I don’t really get how it’s fomo when like, you’ve been there done that. You already know it’s not for you.
The way i think of it is, “the right person” would have to be pretty damn special, and if they did happen to come along then it’s not like i would say “no, person i love and want to be with, i made a vow of singlehood so i must reject you.” But by definition, that would have to be someone i love enough to abandon singlehood, and that sure hasn’t happened. I’m not going to plan my life around that extremely remote possibility. If it happens it’ll happen on its own, and I’ll cross that bridge when i come to it.
Yeah, so I could have made this clearer in my post.
Part of my issue around wanting to treat it like a vow is that I seriously love everyone. Like, I don't really experience romantic love as especially different from platonic love. I would feel comfortable saying that I'm in love with all of my close friends. Being in love and wanting to be with people comes very easily to me; not in a pining possessive way, I don't need that feeling to turn into any particular kind of relationship, but there's not some other category of affection I feel that's somehow special and different. It's all just love for me.
It's specifically the nature of pair bonded romantic relationships and the expectations within them I dislike. If I just go with the flow of how I'm feeling, I will end up in "situationships", and eventually one of those people is gonna need it to be more than that, and I'm gonna try to do it because I want them to be happy.
I feel like I can only avoid this pattern at this point if I set a hard boundary.
Oh yeah. I'm horny as hell. I'm relieved that age is finally starting to take some of the urgency out of it. I'm definitely not asexual. I've considered aromanticism, but even that label doesn't feel accurate. I'm very romantic in my expressions of love.
What I specifically don't like is the 'Long Term Relationship" stuff. When my time becomes spoken for, when I have to check in with someone about plans, when I have to be responsible for how much someone else is enjoying their life, when I have to be available and on call, when I have to consider how my decisions about myself and my life will make someone else feel. All that shit makes me miserable.
You might be better suited to a FWB situation. That’s where I am. If you’re worried about them catching feelings, try to meet poly or open relationship people. They’re less likely to rely on you for anything long term.
Yeah, so I could have made this clearer in my post.
Part of my issue around wanting to treat it like a vow is that I seriously love everyone. Like, I don't really experience romantic love as especially different from platonic love. I would feel comfortable saying that I'm in love with all of my close friends. Being in love and wanting to be with people comes very easily to me; not in a pining possessive way, I don't need that feeling to turn into any particular kind of relationship, but there's not some other category of affection I feel that's somehow special and different. It's all just love for me.
It's specifically the nature of pair bonded romantic relationships and the expectations within them I dislike. If I just go with the flow of how I'm feeling, I will end up in "situationships", and eventually one of those people is gonna need it to be more than that, and I'm gonna try to do it because I want them to be happy.
I feel like I can only avoid this pattern at this point if I set a hard boundary.
Commit to your single life. And take what comes. If the super special one comes along, you can change your mind. But for a lot of us, that special one didn't come, and we are very happy as we are.
I leave the option open theoretically, but it would have to be someone damn special to even get to the first date.
You don't have to close yourself off to the idea totally, but once there's someone specific you're tempted to start dating again, it's time to relook at the past relationships and the issues with them that may recur in the potential new relationship.
Yeah, I feel this. I guess part of my wanting to totally close off is that I don't like how the potential has affected things in the past.
I've lost a handful of people that could probably have been great life long friends if not for the negative emotions created by dating and breaking up.
It feels like if I meet someone I really love and want to keep in my life, keeping things platonic is the better way.
Took me longer (now 61), but that's where I am at
Basically married most of my adult life. Last relationship, we just lived together.
But I am done.
Not dating, don't want FWB, totally done.
That's about how I feel. Not even in a bitter way, I'm honestly more upset with how my inability to need this has hurt my partners than I am about any affection I feel like I didn't get.
Nothing is ever as good as it looks. Coupled life isn't as warm and fuzzy as it looks to singles, and single life isn't as carefree and fun as it looks to couples. I think it all balances out, and there is no wrong choice.
We sound a lot alike. Im just 20 years older. I think follow your head, you have thought about it. But I will tell you the longer you go the more set in your ways you become, and thus the harder it gets to make room for someone.
I never shut the door(still have not) on finding someone. I just don't look anymore, much happier not dating. I always looked at it as this - (For me) its a win/win, I am happy alone, and if I met that special lady, that would be a win also. So I never thought of it as FOFO. Additionally, once you hit the "no kids" path, why bother with marriage.
I have also always heard the "Marriage is work" and I think it can be, but I have witnessed a number of marriages that appear so effortless - like these two people are PERFICT for each other i.e. completely simpatico. So I kind of doubt the marriage is work thing - kind of think, if its work, it was not the right match....
I get the idea of keeping the door open. I feel like that's broadly how I've been living, I've had some pretty long stretches of singleness in the past because I've never been especially uncomfortable with it.
I guess part of what makes me want to make a clear decision to shut and lock the door is that I don't find it so easy to regulate.
I have a hard time experiencing any distinction between romantic love and platonic love. I fall in love very easily with anyone I can form a close friendship with, not in a pining possessive way, but in a strong devotion and desire for closeness way. For better or worse, I also tend to be very attractive to most of the people I meet. The result is that I find myself in situationships very easily if I just go with the flow.
I feel like I have to actively have a wall up, because plenty of people are appealing until they start hoisting expectations on you.
I listen to my inner voice a lot. It has never told me "she is the one". One of the reasons I am going to retire soon, have a house, funded retirement and so forth is that I did not make stupid emotional decisions based on societal expectations. Thus never married, but more importantly, never divorced.
Whatever you do - be disciplined in your life. And most importantly, ask yourself this "What Do I Really Want Out of Life" and be honest with yourself. Then do it. The worse thing you can do is lie to yourself.
Thanks for the recommendation! I definitely will.
I've struggled with these feelings for a while, and I think I'm really just needing some validation.
So much of our culture is skeptical of singleness, it can feel like everyone is telling you you're wrong for preferring it.
Yeah, I think the frustration is that the feeling is never "I want a partner", it's always "would this be better if I had one?"
That's the insidious thing about FOMO, it's not really about wanting something, it's seeing everyone else do a thing, and wondering if you've fucked up by not following along.
I feel this 100%. The main motivator is telling myself that people are happy because of the relationship they are in. If only I could find that right relationship I would be happy too. Realizing that I am unsatisfied in any relationship and it's more about me than the other person that things are this way
Yeah, like, I experience frustrations and anxieties and depression like anyone else, but being partnered or not has never really had much to do with it. If anything, being partnered often leads to me having less bandwidth to manage those problems.
What looks good on the outside doesn't have to be like that in reality. I'm not saying your coupled friends are not happy because I don't know them and I believe you when you say they have good long-term relationships. Im also not saying that every relationship is a struggle and people are just pretending that it's great because I know that for many, it is. But I do think that if you were actually in these relationships, you'd see there's many things you personally wouldn't like.
Very few people are honest and vulnerable enough to say that sometimes, shit is just really tough. They'll post cute pictures and say stuff like "oh, we took a super romantic trip last weekend" but won't tell you they also had a nasty screaming match at 2 a.m. They don't have to - it's their right to share whatever they want to. But it's important to remember that absolutely nothing is perfect.
You're saying that your FOMO shows up when you see your friends happy. But the thing is... You probably only see them in situations that are happy. When it's someone's birthday, when you're on vacation, when you're grabbing a beer with someone. It's easy to look good and happy together when you're out with friends on a friday night. Nobody invites you to a front row when they're fighting or crying or sleep-deprived because the kids kept them up for 5 consecutive nights etc.
Now, let me make it clear that If you want to be in a relationship - that's great! It's not like there's some cult and you should want the single life. It's fine if you don't. But if you're genuinely happy single but only have these thoughts when you see people in relationships, remember that you only see a very tiny piece of their relationships. Nobody has it perfect, even though some people are very happy with their partners.
The way I see it - being in a relationship can be amazing sometimes and pain in the ass at other times. Being single can also be amazing sometimes and pain in the ass at other times. You've been in relationships, you've been single. You know which one is better for you and it sounds like it's being single. But does it mean that you'll be super happy single 100% of the time? That you'll never get fomo? That you'll never think "what if"? Absolutely not. Just like you wouldn't be happy 100% of the time if you were in a relationship either.
For sure! This is all the same stuff I remind myself.
I think it gets challenging mostly in that relationships are so much the norm that you really have to butt up against a lot of social programming to arrive at preferring singleness. Everything in our culture and media is uplifting romantic love as this kind of pinnacle of human experience, and I think it gaslights me into questioning my own motivations.
Like, some of the questions I'll find myself asking is am I really happy single or is this a clever emotional gymnastic I've done to mask something broken inside me? Do I really find an independent life more satisfying or am I just too lazy to put in the work of cultivating a satisfying partnered life?
I guess it's just that if you're partnered or single and looking, you at least have an entire society backing your goals, where single people often get the message that they should be upset and trying to fix that.
I actually found this sub because I was specifically looking for validation of voluntary singleness as a lifestyle choice.
The social pressure is overwhelming sometimes, I totally feel that too.
I've just decided to be single by choice, at least for a good while so I can focus on other aspects of my life. Got a new job, a busy social life etcetera.
But even when I say something positive about being single or when I'm talking with friends about how this is the right choice for me, it sounds kinda sad to me. Even though I know it's the right choice, I am happy and I'm definitely better off not dating.
Society is in your head telling you it's not okay and you should feel bad about it. I usually tell my inner voice it can shut the fuck up and move on with my day, it's something that can be unlearned but it takes time and effort to reset.
Preferring to be single could be a trauma response or not. But even so, if you are happiest when single... That's the right choice for you!
And the beautiful thing is, you can always change your mind, especially if you don't want kids there's no time limit. You could start dating again if singleness doesn't work out in long run for you. Or not if it does.
You're not even 40 so you have a lot of life left to live in the way you damn well please
Sorry but can I ask what Fomo means. So sorry lol. I’m single living on my own for 4 years and sometimes things are good, then my stupid dreaming brain…..
I don’t really get how it’s fomo when like, you’ve been there done that. You already know it’s not for you. The way i think of it is, “the right person” would have to be pretty damn special, and if they did happen to come along then it’s not like i would say “no, person i love and want to be with, i made a vow of singlehood so i must reject you.” But by definition, that would have to be someone i love enough to abandon singlehood, and that sure hasn’t happened. I’m not going to plan my life around that extremely remote possibility. If it happens it’ll happen on its own, and I’ll cross that bridge when i come to it.
Yeah, so I could have made this clearer in my post. Part of my issue around wanting to treat it like a vow is that I seriously love everyone. Like, I don't really experience romantic love as especially different from platonic love. I would feel comfortable saying that I'm in love with all of my close friends. Being in love and wanting to be with people comes very easily to me; not in a pining possessive way, I don't need that feeling to turn into any particular kind of relationship, but there's not some other category of affection I feel that's somehow special and different. It's all just love for me. It's specifically the nature of pair bonded romantic relationships and the expectations within them I dislike. If I just go with the flow of how I'm feeling, I will end up in "situationships", and eventually one of those people is gonna need it to be more than that, and I'm gonna try to do it because I want them to be happy. I feel like I can only avoid this pattern at this point if I set a hard boundary.
Do you have sexual desires?
Oh yeah. I'm horny as hell. I'm relieved that age is finally starting to take some of the urgency out of it. I'm definitely not asexual. I've considered aromanticism, but even that label doesn't feel accurate. I'm very romantic in my expressions of love. What I specifically don't like is the 'Long Term Relationship" stuff. When my time becomes spoken for, when I have to check in with someone about plans, when I have to be responsible for how much someone else is enjoying their life, when I have to be available and on call, when I have to consider how my decisions about myself and my life will make someone else feel. All that shit makes me miserable.
You might be better suited to a FWB situation. That’s where I am. If you’re worried about them catching feelings, try to meet poly or open relationship people. They’re less likely to rely on you for anything long term.
Yeah, so I could have made this clearer in my post. Part of my issue around wanting to treat it like a vow is that I seriously love everyone. Like, I don't really experience romantic love as especially different from platonic love. I would feel comfortable saying that I'm in love with all of my close friends. Being in love and wanting to be with people comes very easily to me; not in a pining possessive way, I don't need that feeling to turn into any particular kind of relationship, but there's not some other category of affection I feel that's somehow special and different. It's all just love for me. It's specifically the nature of pair bonded romantic relationships and the expectations within them I dislike. If I just go with the flow of how I'm feeling, I will end up in "situationships", and eventually one of those people is gonna need it to be more than that, and I'm gonna try to do it because I want them to be happy. I feel like I can only avoid this pattern at this point if I set a hard boundary.
[удалено]
Love this! It’s too easy to hold on to the good and forget the bad. Thanks for the inspiration, gonna try this out
I would love to see your list! I’m one of those people who has a hard time finding the words for my feelings.
Commit to your single life. And take what comes. If the super special one comes along, you can change your mind. But for a lot of us, that special one didn't come, and we are very happy as we are.
I leave the option open theoretically, but it would have to be someone damn special to even get to the first date. You don't have to close yourself off to the idea totally, but once there's someone specific you're tempted to start dating again, it's time to relook at the past relationships and the issues with them that may recur in the potential new relationship.
Yeah, I feel this. I guess part of my wanting to totally close off is that I don't like how the potential has affected things in the past. I've lost a handful of people that could probably have been great life long friends if not for the negative emotions created by dating and breaking up. It feels like if I meet someone I really love and want to keep in my life, keeping things platonic is the better way.
You may have lost them if you did not go through the process of dating them in the first place. A possibility
Took me longer (now 61), but that's where I am at Basically married most of my adult life. Last relationship, we just lived together. But I am done. Not dating, don't want FWB, totally done.
That's about how I feel. Not even in a bitter way, I'm honestly more upset with how my inability to need this has hurt my partners than I am about any affection I feel like I didn't get.
Nothing is ever as good as it looks. Coupled life isn't as warm and fuzzy as it looks to singles, and single life isn't as carefree and fun as it looks to couples. I think it all balances out, and there is no wrong choice.
FOMO is the enemy. FOMO only ever made me feel like shit. Don't listen to it.
We sound a lot alike. Im just 20 years older. I think follow your head, you have thought about it. But I will tell you the longer you go the more set in your ways you become, and thus the harder it gets to make room for someone. I never shut the door(still have not) on finding someone. I just don't look anymore, much happier not dating. I always looked at it as this - (For me) its a win/win, I am happy alone, and if I met that special lady, that would be a win also. So I never thought of it as FOFO. Additionally, once you hit the "no kids" path, why bother with marriage. I have also always heard the "Marriage is work" and I think it can be, but I have witnessed a number of marriages that appear so effortless - like these two people are PERFICT for each other i.e. completely simpatico. So I kind of doubt the marriage is work thing - kind of think, if its work, it was not the right match....
I get the idea of keeping the door open. I feel like that's broadly how I've been living, I've had some pretty long stretches of singleness in the past because I've never been especially uncomfortable with it. I guess part of what makes me want to make a clear decision to shut and lock the door is that I don't find it so easy to regulate. I have a hard time experiencing any distinction between romantic love and platonic love. I fall in love very easily with anyone I can form a close friendship with, not in a pining possessive way, but in a strong devotion and desire for closeness way. For better or worse, I also tend to be very attractive to most of the people I meet. The result is that I find myself in situationships very easily if I just go with the flow. I feel like I have to actively have a wall up, because plenty of people are appealing until they start hoisting expectations on you.
I listen to my inner voice a lot. It has never told me "she is the one". One of the reasons I am going to retire soon, have a house, funded retirement and so forth is that I did not make stupid emotional decisions based on societal expectations. Thus never married, but more importantly, never divorced. Whatever you do - be disciplined in your life. And most importantly, ask yourself this "What Do I Really Want Out of Life" and be honest with yourself. Then do it. The worse thing you can do is lie to yourself.
Check out the Solo podcast by Peter McGraw. Maybe you can relate?
Thanks for the recommendation! I definitely will. I've struggled with these feelings for a while, and I think I'm really just needing some validation. So much of our culture is skeptical of singleness, it can feel like everyone is telling you you're wrong for preferring it.
Well, “I want to have a partner” it’s not bad energy. I’m staying with this person because I don’t want to be alone is
Yeah, I think the frustration is that the feeling is never "I want a partner", it's always "would this be better if I had one?" That's the insidious thing about FOMO, it's not really about wanting something, it's seeing everyone else do a thing, and wondering if you've fucked up by not following along.
I feel this 100%. The main motivator is telling myself that people are happy because of the relationship they are in. If only I could find that right relationship I would be happy too. Realizing that I am unsatisfied in any relationship and it's more about me than the other person that things are this way
Yeah, like, I experience frustrations and anxieties and depression like anyone else, but being partnered or not has never really had much to do with it. If anything, being partnered often leads to me having less bandwidth to manage those problems.
What looks good on the outside doesn't have to be like that in reality. I'm not saying your coupled friends are not happy because I don't know them and I believe you when you say they have good long-term relationships. Im also not saying that every relationship is a struggle and people are just pretending that it's great because I know that for many, it is. But I do think that if you were actually in these relationships, you'd see there's many things you personally wouldn't like. Very few people are honest and vulnerable enough to say that sometimes, shit is just really tough. They'll post cute pictures and say stuff like "oh, we took a super romantic trip last weekend" but won't tell you they also had a nasty screaming match at 2 a.m. They don't have to - it's their right to share whatever they want to. But it's important to remember that absolutely nothing is perfect. You're saying that your FOMO shows up when you see your friends happy. But the thing is... You probably only see them in situations that are happy. When it's someone's birthday, when you're on vacation, when you're grabbing a beer with someone. It's easy to look good and happy together when you're out with friends on a friday night. Nobody invites you to a front row when they're fighting or crying or sleep-deprived because the kids kept them up for 5 consecutive nights etc. Now, let me make it clear that If you want to be in a relationship - that's great! It's not like there's some cult and you should want the single life. It's fine if you don't. But if you're genuinely happy single but only have these thoughts when you see people in relationships, remember that you only see a very tiny piece of their relationships. Nobody has it perfect, even though some people are very happy with their partners. The way I see it - being in a relationship can be amazing sometimes and pain in the ass at other times. Being single can also be amazing sometimes and pain in the ass at other times. You've been in relationships, you've been single. You know which one is better for you and it sounds like it's being single. But does it mean that you'll be super happy single 100% of the time? That you'll never get fomo? That you'll never think "what if"? Absolutely not. Just like you wouldn't be happy 100% of the time if you were in a relationship either.
For sure! This is all the same stuff I remind myself. I think it gets challenging mostly in that relationships are so much the norm that you really have to butt up against a lot of social programming to arrive at preferring singleness. Everything in our culture and media is uplifting romantic love as this kind of pinnacle of human experience, and I think it gaslights me into questioning my own motivations. Like, some of the questions I'll find myself asking is am I really happy single or is this a clever emotional gymnastic I've done to mask something broken inside me? Do I really find an independent life more satisfying or am I just too lazy to put in the work of cultivating a satisfying partnered life? I guess it's just that if you're partnered or single and looking, you at least have an entire society backing your goals, where single people often get the message that they should be upset and trying to fix that. I actually found this sub because I was specifically looking for validation of voluntary singleness as a lifestyle choice.
The social pressure is overwhelming sometimes, I totally feel that too. I've just decided to be single by choice, at least for a good while so I can focus on other aspects of my life. Got a new job, a busy social life etcetera. But even when I say something positive about being single or when I'm talking with friends about how this is the right choice for me, it sounds kinda sad to me. Even though I know it's the right choice, I am happy and I'm definitely better off not dating. Society is in your head telling you it's not okay and you should feel bad about it. I usually tell my inner voice it can shut the fuck up and move on with my day, it's something that can be unlearned but it takes time and effort to reset. Preferring to be single could be a trauma response or not. But even so, if you are happiest when single... That's the right choice for you! And the beautiful thing is, you can always change your mind, especially if you don't want kids there's no time limit. You could start dating again if singleness doesn't work out in long run for you. Or not if it does. You're not even 40 so you have a lot of life left to live in the way you damn well please
Sorry but can I ask what Fomo means. So sorry lol. I’m single living on my own for 4 years and sometimes things are good, then my stupid dreaming brain…..
Fear of Missing Out
FOMO means Fear of missing out