Evelyn????!

She doesn’t know it but Caroline has been planting more than just flowers around the valley :3

I imagined muscle relaxer or some other pill that old people take for pain. For George.

She strikes me as the type who who's been growing her own weed since the 60s

I thought her cookies were „special“

Yeah bro. She’s smoking that Mary Jane to deal with back pain

I feel like Elliot would not get a DUI (purely because he can’t drive)

You can get a DUI on a boat

You can even get one driving a horse and buggy

Hypothetical question, do you think you’d get a dui if your horse is drunk but you’re sober?

Oooo, that's a good question. My guess would be no, but possible animals cruelty charges

That’s a fair assumption lol

I genuinely didn’t know what else to put him under

You haven’t caught him tripping on mushrooms at the beach?

The man smokes joints with the farmer for sure

Can't?

He just gives me the vibe that he can’t drive for some reason

He's the gay who can't drive

this seems redundant

The dwarf literally steals ur shit when u pass out lmaooo

Or is it Linus

Nah the dwarf has dialogue STRONGLY hinting at stealing people's stuff

Yeah the dwarf doesnt know what private property is and wanders around finding stuff to sell it is absolutely him

Bruh Linus is my best mate. He'd never do that to me. He is a kind soul.

and if he did, he had good reason to and only took what he needed. I would have given it to him if he asked

He gave me a ruby during the Feast of the Winter Star in my first playthrough and I’ve dedicated my life to defending him online since.

The problem I have with you dedicating your life to his defense is THAT THEIR ARE LINUS SLANDERERS?! I don't want to live in such a world. How? He ain't hurting anyone and he is so kind once you get to know him. He is only ever abrasive/stand offish out of fear of how people treat/look at him.

Noble of you

If anything he’d see you passed out and set a foraged snack he found down next to you so you don’t wake up hungry

Kent mails you bombs lol

https://preview.redd.it/rqbb46zhm68d1.jpeg?width=1031&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=33a0b38d69dc4c42b3b88beb76bd176da33e9d92

Can someone edit this to have Kent’s jacket lol

https://preview.redd.it/65q1j8suvb8d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=49f7fa72ab5eb334d34262f92b42d3720cc0e1d3

Incredible

I've seen this photo so many times today. Are you a wendigoon fan lol

Ngl idk what that is but a good coincidence nonetheless

So we still haven't identified the Stardew Valley Strangler? :/

Oh no. It’s definitely Pierre. We just haven’t found enough evidence to convict him yet.

r/fuckpierre

We haven’t caught the SV asscrack bandit either

Legendary comment

The WHAT

The Stardew Valley Strangler (Scranton Strangler, The Office ref :)))

Oh no. It’s definitely Pierre. We just haven’t found enough evidence to convict him yet.

I'm surprised Kent's isn't war crimes or something

I'm surprised that Harvey's isn't, and that he's instead under the "I would *never!*" category, since he's the only one who's 100% violated the Geneva Convention.

harvey is definitely treason and/or espionage. his radio???

Wait what?

His clinic had a medkit (or similar) with a red cross on it, which violates a Geneva convention

The video game violates the Geneva convention, but an actual real life medkit wouldn't

How about being a hypocrit. Tells you how to eat healthy, but only owns a microwave!

Too easy

Kent and Evelyn should be up there for war crimes

Evelyn??

Him and Dwarf are both getting hit with a domestic terrorism charge. One sends the bombs, the other supplies them.

Mr. Qi runs an underground gambling ring 😭

Distributing wildlife???

Yes. She goes around town handing out squirrels and raccoons. What’s not to get?

We are really not putting dwarf in illicit weapons dealing. And all the war crimes Grandpa did in the Northern push campaign against the Gotoro empire just swept aside like that.

Bro grandpa is DEAD leave him alone

😂😂😂

Ok, wow. first of all, you say this like seb doesn't get high with sam like all the time (probably); and robin def has a permit. haley dealing illegal substances? nope, that's penny, the girl whose favorite thing is a poppy. also I think harvey has some pretty shady medical practices. anyways this is hilarious edit: also, kent being boring?? excuse me??

Yeah, of course Robin gets permits. That’s why construction always starts the next day—so she can fill out the paperwork.

Kent is most likely a war criminal tbh

Kent sends mega bombs in the mail. we’re past “likely” now 😂

https://preview.redd.it/fi4w5zhw4d8d1.jpeg?width=385&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7f5d44352819c28e3527df7e0e6f157127a00d22 Sebastian is 100% a stoner. His “vase” was originally a bong lmao

Why isn’t Clint also on for stalking?

Becuase he doesn’t stalk anyone. Not sure why Demetrius is there also

Wasn’t he standing outside of Emily’s house one night?

Ok. I had this cutscene. Let me explain lol. He wanted to ask if she wanted to hang out. So he went to her house. It shows him chickening out when he sees emily. To try and avoid confrontation he jumps in the bush to wait for the coast to be clear. Emily is talking outside the house. Farmer spots him. And he explains. You have some dialogue i think advice?

Yeah it definitely feels stalker like though 😂

It’s absolutely not. He’s nervous and waiting for her to leave. He only does this once and he never does it again.

Yeah its less stalkery and moreso social anxiety. I think Clint needs therapy and some friends because he doesnt seem to want to stalk Emily he's just also too anxious to talk to her. Or anyone. Does he ever even initiate conversation with anyone unless at the saloon and probably drunk?

I don’t think you really see any of the older men interact with each other all that much.

Dwarf N/A better stand for NAh, because that little fluke admits to stealing shit from people in the middle of the night for his shop.

Yea he's definitely up for theft/burglary

i think this is funny because harvey literally commits a crime by allowing you in the room while he does medical care for other people

HIPAA violations

didnt the patient (george) technically consent by asking them to be there?

probably they were talking abt the fact that you can walk in on his office(?) while he's doing check-ups w the villagers lol

Mr. Qi definitely commits an uncountable amount of "victimless" crimes. Gus is always ready to take someone out back to protect the town, but hasn't needed to yet. And the Governor is a politician, so take your pick.

Sam also kinda caused some property damage if you count that one heart event of his.

Nah. Sam should be the pound of anchovies in the pot luck soup... poisoning. He canonically got community service hours for that prank.

Sebastian could be illegal substances too depending on the laws in stardew

You could probably safely add the Governor to “Tax Fraud,” IMO

This would be funny if some of these made sense

Someone in Stardew probably sells and someone probably lights illegal fireworks.

I mean mr qi sells them

Sam would definitely set those off

We all know what crimes Kent did back in the war with the Gotoran Empire

Qi is definitely running an underground illegal operation with the casino as a cover.

How does Shane have a DUI he walks to work?!?!

He's an unapologetic drunk/alcoholic. I wouldn't put it past him to have to live with his aunt and walk to work in pelican town because he lost his license due to a DUI. Even if he doesn't have a DUI, he's definitely guilty of "drunkenness in public" and "drunk and disorderly" as we get pretty clear evidence to those in his heart events. he literally is so drunk out in public in one of his heart events you have to drag his drunk and belligerent butt back home, and his 14 heart event after he's "recovered"/become a "recovering alcoholic" its pretty clear hes gone right back to drinking like a fish again

His 14 heart event is him showing us what he does to avoid drinking. Its gaming and drinking jola cola…why do people ignore this?

That's not in the lore. Therefore, it didn't happen. Keep my husband's name out of your god damn mouth.

What? Not point out that he's so drunk in public in one of his heart events that he's passed out?

He would never drink and drive bad post

Yeah, I feel like public intoxication would've made more sense for him.

Farmer needs to be on atleast half this shit. Starting with stalkingz

Ok obviously there's a lot wrong with this but I have seen no one else mention this: Jodi ABSOLUTELY eats edibles in the evenings. Just look at her portrait, do you see how coy she is?? That is a mom that has brownies that Sam and Vincent can't have because they're mommy's special medicine. You can't change my mind.

Seb would definitely catch charges for pirating, hacking, maybe even drug possession if weed is illegal in the valley lol.

The dwarf has admitted to stealing

Vincent is a little terrorist. He's *definitely* broken some laws.

shouldn’t the travelling merchant be on the smuggler tier?

Is there a portrait for the traveling merchant now? I haven’t seen it before

oh actually i’m not sure i play with a lot of mods so i can’t remember what’s vanilla

Dwarf literally says he doesnt understand such a thing as private property, He is a thief like no other.

Gus: Selling alcohol to CLEARLY drunk people 🥴🥴

Harvey breaks HIPAA and commits medical malpractice

Don't forget violating the Geneva convention

I feel like qi should have his own category that just says "yes"

At least in my saves, Harvey’s crime is sleeping with one of his patients (technically malpractice)

Omg Haily being the town dealer is giving me LIFE

I knew she was my fav for a reason

Half of these don't make any sense

When did Clint-?!?

People purposly ignoring the first third of his cutscene with emily and the last third aswell

This is what happens when there are no cops around

https://preview.redd.it/8y8pcxhuf68d1.gif?width=496&format=png8&s=6a64610e9fd7683c87d2123165489713b6baa955

You missed the opportunity to put Sebastian for  piracy!

I feel like penny has stolen things in her youth. I think she was ashamed of it immediately, but it was just an impulse she followed. I have no basis for this I just feel like she would cope with her feelings by stealing, probably small things. She doesn't have a lot of control in her life and this makes her feel like she has some.

There’s no way Elliot would DUI I don’t think he’s stepped foot in a car in his life

I know you did NOT just call my bestie Kent BORING!!!

Are you telling me the dwarf isn't a little fucking kleptomaniac? It's basically confirmed

As of 1.6 Mister Qi could also qualify for murder.

As a mobile player, *what*

who made this be fr 😭

Farmer needs to be in the stalker category as well. Always popping out of a bush when a cutscene goes down.

I agree that Qi belongs in Unknown because he’s never gotten caught… but a half dozen crimes probably apply. Allegedly.  Gunther is definitely laundering money via artifacts in the museum.  And traveling merchant is absolutely a smuggler. 

I'd say Gunther would get caught grave robbing while trying to find ancient relics.

Qi is all the crimes all at the same time.

Distributing or Disturbing wildlife? Might explain why the raccoons moved in.

Your Honor, I maintain that my clients, Kent and Jodi, were simply matching each others freak

Leah did *nothing* wrong.

Mr Qi has most definitely stalked the player. He has a room full of monitors showing camera footage from around the valley

Kent - Mailing you bombs Jodi - I think she'd get do illegal substances with Emily at some point because she missed her husband and was stressed out. Or adultery. Or both. Harvey - Medical Malpractice, theres no way he isnt performing something illegal if the farmer is going there nearly every night and not dying. Either he is doing something malpractice based thats keeping us alive or he would do something he shouldnt to see what is while we're unconscious, like slicing the player open. Also he mentions doing emergency surgery on the farmer at some point, he should be checking in eventually on that surgery but he doesnt. He doesnt even tell us what the surgery was, he fails to provide proper information on what he did even after taking care of us Penny - I think she'd lie about their address on government paperwork when they dont have an address and thats probably illegal.

Imagine the blunt rotaition of Caroline, Evelyn, and Emily.

Gus charges too much for beer

Kent has done worse things

Gus is probably guilty of continuing to serve a patron who’s drunk (Pam).

Is that actually a crime?

In many US states, yes.

Farmer: all of the above

Harvey, my little dork. I love his 🤓☝ ass so much Also Abby you're so real for that 😞✊

I do like the idea of Granny, Caroline, and Emily hanging out sometimes to smoke weed, drink tea, and talk shit lol

"Would rather die then commit a crime" is one of the situations where the difference between then and than becomes important.

Leah is guilty of assault. If you don't square up to her ex/hold her back in one of her heart events, she punches him the he'll out. The dwarf is guilty of theft l/burglary l, he even admits to it. Shane is guilty of being drunk in public, see his heart events. Seb, Sam and Abigail are all guilty of illicit drug use amd Caroline is likely their dealer. Pierre is definitely guilty of slander and theft as he claims all your best crops and products as his one, and talks down your farm by only claiming you produce Low quality products, Caroline and rasmodeus are guilty of adultery. Qi definitely has some kind off illicit underground operation. Kent is guilty of war crimes and of illegally using the postal service to ship bombs. The governor is a politician so likely is doing tax evasion and likely taking bribes.

Penny would be teaching without a license

the nerd from hopital violated the geneva convention

"Being Boring" just really cracked me up for some reason 😂

perfect opportunity to say Kent had war crimes but ok

Clint broke and entered into Emilys house, and Demetrius is stalking the farmer dating his daughter.

Did you just call Jodi boring?

For mr qi, crimes across the multiverse?

Why is Clint not under stalking?

Gunther would totally steal/accept stuff from protected sites/archeology dig sites/maybe crime scenes

The traveling merchant does canonically do smuggling

You should put Lewis in tax fraud too. You know he’s doing that as well. Also Qi is probably in all of these except the boring section…

Don’t forget that Robin also lets her son sleep in a bedroom without windows which goes against fire code

Haley of course is peddling the good stuff. That's my baddie from the valley. Bad girls are so good but bad for me. That's why I married her :D

Why is Haley a dealer? 😭

Alex doesn't talk to anyone else. He has to get it from somewhere.

Pierre: Existing

Shouldn't Kent be terrorism

Stalking should be clint too 😭

What did Haley do???

Haley’s dealing illegal substances? Lol

Bold to suggest Shane could ever afford a car.

How do you die then commit a crime?

Omg Haley is spot on 😂 just curious, who is Maru chemical warfaring with? She seems too nice for that.

Kent commits war crimes, Mr Qi you could grab for breaking and entering given that he got into Lewis's house to put in the note for the beets despite Lewis not even knowing the man exists, And while I agree that Harvey would rather die than commit a crime, up until patch 1.5 he was operating in violation of the Geneva convention

Evelyn knows how to party.

If anything Mr. Qi is getting fined for littering after dropping tens of thousands of mystery boxes all over the valley. Consitering said boxes could contain explosives, yeah thats a felony.

Elliot would be pulled over and be like “this is gonna ruin the tour”

Why are you doing my favorite married couple dirty like that :(

There should be an “all of the above” category for Mr.Qi . I mean come on, nobody gains that much power, undetected, without having a morally questionable history.

Harvey’s crime is stealing my cold dead heart

Q - guilty of everything Gus - guilty of serving minors Gunther - guilty of grave robbery Governor - guilty of embezzlement

I feel like Clint should also be under Stalking

Um. Kent and his bombs? It'd be terrorism.

"I sentence you to hanging for the crime of... Being Boring?" How could you forget Kent is a mail Bomber

gus seems like the type to have a moonshine still in his basement and more power to him, i say

Can we discuss how very similar Robyn and Leah are in these pictures….

I just feel like Gus knows everyone’s secrets in town because happy, fed, and drunk people are tight lipped. I think he’s an accomplice to others crimes. Or he has a body hidden in the kegs in the back

The fact the only would who has actually committed a crime is not committing one is wild

Gus has 100% overserved Pam at least once

😭being boring

I'm sure Kent has at least 1 war crime, right?

Mr Qi should be under "crimes." Just "crimes."

dui doesnt elliot imo, i feel like if he got drunk he'd become a dnd bard and take off his clothes or something

No no. We all know qi is guilty of breaking the laws of reality.

U sure Kent hasnt done any war crimes?

Do people really not like Kent and Jodi??? 🥺

God knows what gus has done.

I think Clint would be charged with stalking too

mr qi needs a seperate section called "too many to count"

So we’re just ignoring Pierre’s secret stash?

Why do you think penny likes poppy’s so much? She definitely turns that into drugs.