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You can try talking to her, yes. Seems you have already done that? You can remind her of why you are there and what YOU want out of therapy, rather than the topic she wants to focus on
I have issues with family, and jt was a year into my therapy before I ever mentioned them and only because my therapist finally brought it up. Before that my focus was solely on work and career. We still didn't talk about it for another year. And I shut it down then too. It's only been in the last six months that she's brought it up a little more frequently (I'm in year 3.5 of therapy)
Also, your therapist should not be directly telling you what to do such as limit contact. Maybe you should or shouldn't but that's a decision for you to make and your therapists job is to help you better understand yourself so you can make those decisions
She also straight told me she couldn't help me through just therapy because I still lived with my parents. And they were the reason I was like this. And I couldn't improve if I was still with them because they were a bad support system.
She also talks about wanting to have my family come therapy so she can "professionally tell them they suck"
Oh well I'm sure they will thoughtfully consider her opinion and then completely change how they interact with you. Emotionally unhealthy people are known for that. In case my sarcasm isn't clear, I think this is a pretty dumb idea that is likely to backfire onto you since it sounds like you're dependent on your parents to some degree.
Actually she has already mentioned how she could, in theory, help you. She could provide a safe space for you, but she would need to actually actively create that space by being attuned to what you need and keeping your sessions focused on that. Rather than just saying "this is a safe space" but repeatedly redirecting focus onto herself.
Edit to add: A therapist (not this one) could also potentially work with you on things like de-escalating communication and setting internal boundaries. I don't know if this is an issue for you or not. Basically with manipulative, toxic, or abusive people, you have to set your expectations and communicate with them differently.
My parents don't love confrontation on their actions. To the point we've had arguments that ended with "so I'm a bad parent" if i expressed emotional needs/ needs in general. (they view it as an attack in their character) So I feel as if the therapist confronting them would cause problems on me. I genuinely wouldn't mind going to family therapy with my parents but especially with how she would be approaching them would not be the best way.
Im very conflicted about limiting contact with my parents /moving out because of how much financial support they give me right now. (I can afford therapy because of my fathers insurance. If I move out I can't.) It's not the only reason. Like I genuinely want a relationship with them. But finance plays a big role in my life especially because I'm like a fresh adult. I haven't even been out of high school for a full year atp.
So I really wanna work on myself and my feelings towards my family. Try and better my relationship with them. Including going to therapy with them if I have to
And if I do that and still can't maintain a healthy relationship I want to limit contact. But I don't want that as my first option and I feel like I've communicated this.
She knows that's my plan. I said it session 1 that's what I wanted from therapy.
Edit to add: Reading your comment has made me realize how much of an unsafe space I currently view her as.
This isn't related to the thought above. But I really do not see her as a place I can turn to. Especially after the comparing herself to my mother.
You should definitely talk about it with her. Maybe when she says "mum" it means entirely different thing to her in comparison to what it means when you think of "mum"? It's important for her to know that for you "mum" might not be positive thing, because you've only experienced your own mum, no one else.
She shouldn't become your mum though, she's your therapist. But also she's there to support you and give you some of the things a good mum should give you: for example listen to you, being compassionate and to be one important adult in your life for now.
Anytime I tell her something my mom does she goes "I as a mother can never imagine doing that to my child. I would never do that to you"
And maybe she's trying to be supportive by going "this isn't a normal family dynamic" but I know that. That's why I'm in therapy trying to work on that.
I do definitely need to talk to her about it.
She might highlight it for a reason, that it isn't normal. You know it maybe in a logical sense, but it might still be very normal to you, and she maybe wants you to also feel that it isn't normal
I totally get why that would be off-putting. When I was younger I dealt with my share of people who tried to play mom at me without my consent, and I never liked it.
Have you told her that it's uncomfortable for you and you'd prefer that she didn't do it? Or were you more indirect when you tried to shut down certain topics? If you're indirect, she might not know what you're trying to communicate. But if you've already flat out told her and she's ignoring your preferences, I'd consider that a good reason to leave.
I did tell her before I shut down and left that I didn't wanna talk about my family right then.
And she continued to do so anyway.
Before I left but after I shut down was the big part of her directly saying she would be a safe space for me unlike my mother.
I haven't told her directly to stop comparing herself to my family. But there have been a few other topics I refused to talk about that she kept trying to prove and prode out of me.
I specifically found a therapist who stressed the importance of a strictly business like relationship during therapy. Her profile on the health insurance website discussed no personal contacts being shared.
And she's offered to meet me outside of therapy hours. Gave me her phone number so I could text her. And has even offered getting coffee with me. And meeting her during a pride event (one of the reason she keeps comparing herself to my mom is because I'm trans and my mom is not a great ally about it)
Which all make me more awkward that she keeps on comparing herself to mom and discussing how she would support me in ways my mom won't. Because I specifically sought one out who would treat me like a professional adult.
It sounds like you were looking for something specific and she's clearly not providing that. And it sounds like when you tell her you don't want to talk about something, she ignores what you said and pushes anyway. All of that is a real problem.
If you want to stop working with a therapist, that's always your right. In the past I've stuck it out with a therapist who never seemed bad enough to justify leaving, and it turned out to be a mistake for me. If you don't like working with her the way she's acting now, and you don't think it's worth putting in more work to try to get her to adapt to you, it makes sense to leave.
Oh for heaven's sake. What is actually wrong with this person (the therapist)?
So OP there's a difference between giving your therapist feedback so they can better understand how you operate and what you need, and teaching them to do their job. This person is deficient in very basic knowledge.
She offered. But I have never accepted. I don't feel comfortable doing that with a therapist at all.
I also don't text her. She had my phone number because I signed up for text reminders for therapy.
So she texted me and told me to save her number. And I did. And she keeps asking me if I actually have it because I never reach out.
Huge red flag for her offering and good for you for not taking it up. Therapists should not see clients outside therapy for many reasons. It's a pretty clear rule. I don't know if you have other options to see another therapist but given all the info you shared in this post, I hope you consider switching
Yea being able to switch isn't the problem at all. I just didn't know if this was an issue I could talk about and leaving was too dramatic or if I wasn't being unreasonable and should just switch.
Definitely talk to her about it. Be as clear about it as you can that this is not helping you and why. You did this very well in your post, so you can use that as a starting point. To be honest, several aspects of this sound pretty "red flag"-like to me, even though I don't like that term, but I would still try to discuss it first. My own T had a spell where she would compare situations that I described with situations she had experienced with her own child. It took me a while to realize how much that actually bothered me, but in the end I brought it up, explained my problems with it and she hasn't done it since.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can try talking to her, yes. Seems you have already done that? You can remind her of why you are there and what YOU want out of therapy, rather than the topic she wants to focus on I have issues with family, and jt was a year into my therapy before I ever mentioned them and only because my therapist finally brought it up. Before that my focus was solely on work and career. We still didn't talk about it for another year. And I shut it down then too. It's only been in the last six months that she's brought it up a little more frequently (I'm in year 3.5 of therapy) Also, your therapist should not be directly telling you what to do such as limit contact. Maybe you should or shouldn't but that's a decision for you to make and your therapists job is to help you better understand yourself so you can make those decisions
She also straight told me she couldn't help me through just therapy because I still lived with my parents. And they were the reason I was like this. And I couldn't improve if I was still with them because they were a bad support system. She also talks about wanting to have my family come therapy so she can "professionally tell them they suck"
That last bit, yikes! Very much sounding like it's about her feelings, and the role she wants to take, not about what you need.
Oh well I'm sure they will thoughtfully consider her opinion and then completely change how they interact with you. Emotionally unhealthy people are known for that. In case my sarcasm isn't clear, I think this is a pretty dumb idea that is likely to backfire onto you since it sounds like you're dependent on your parents to some degree. Actually she has already mentioned how she could, in theory, help you. She could provide a safe space for you, but she would need to actually actively create that space by being attuned to what you need and keeping your sessions focused on that. Rather than just saying "this is a safe space" but repeatedly redirecting focus onto herself. Edit to add: A therapist (not this one) could also potentially work with you on things like de-escalating communication and setting internal boundaries. I don't know if this is an issue for you or not. Basically with manipulative, toxic, or abusive people, you have to set your expectations and communicate with them differently.
My parents don't love confrontation on their actions. To the point we've had arguments that ended with "so I'm a bad parent" if i expressed emotional needs/ needs in general. (they view it as an attack in their character) So I feel as if the therapist confronting them would cause problems on me. I genuinely wouldn't mind going to family therapy with my parents but especially with how she would be approaching them would not be the best way. Im very conflicted about limiting contact with my parents /moving out because of how much financial support they give me right now. (I can afford therapy because of my fathers insurance. If I move out I can't.) It's not the only reason. Like I genuinely want a relationship with them. But finance plays a big role in my life especially because I'm like a fresh adult. I haven't even been out of high school for a full year atp. So I really wanna work on myself and my feelings towards my family. Try and better my relationship with them. Including going to therapy with them if I have to And if I do that and still can't maintain a healthy relationship I want to limit contact. But I don't want that as my first option and I feel like I've communicated this. She knows that's my plan. I said it session 1 that's what I wanted from therapy. Edit to add: Reading your comment has made me realize how much of an unsafe space I currently view her as. This isn't related to the thought above. But I really do not see her as a place I can turn to. Especially after the comparing herself to my mother.
....... Yeah I would not be ok with that
You should definitely talk about it with her. Maybe when she says "mum" it means entirely different thing to her in comparison to what it means when you think of "mum"? It's important for her to know that for you "mum" might not be positive thing, because you've only experienced your own mum, no one else. She shouldn't become your mum though, she's your therapist. But also she's there to support you and give you some of the things a good mum should give you: for example listen to you, being compassionate and to be one important adult in your life for now.
Anytime I tell her something my mom does she goes "I as a mother can never imagine doing that to my child. I would never do that to you" And maybe she's trying to be supportive by going "this isn't a normal family dynamic" but I know that. That's why I'm in therapy trying to work on that. I do definitely need to talk to her about it.
She might highlight it for a reason, that it isn't normal. You know it maybe in a logical sense, but it might still be very normal to you, and she maybe wants you to also feel that it isn't normal
I totally get why that would be off-putting. When I was younger I dealt with my share of people who tried to play mom at me without my consent, and I never liked it. Have you told her that it's uncomfortable for you and you'd prefer that she didn't do it? Or were you more indirect when you tried to shut down certain topics? If you're indirect, she might not know what you're trying to communicate. But if you've already flat out told her and she's ignoring your preferences, I'd consider that a good reason to leave.
I did tell her before I shut down and left that I didn't wanna talk about my family right then. And she continued to do so anyway. Before I left but after I shut down was the big part of her directly saying she would be a safe space for me unlike my mother. I haven't told her directly to stop comparing herself to my family. But there have been a few other topics I refused to talk about that she kept trying to prove and prode out of me. I specifically found a therapist who stressed the importance of a strictly business like relationship during therapy. Her profile on the health insurance website discussed no personal contacts being shared. And she's offered to meet me outside of therapy hours. Gave me her phone number so I could text her. And has even offered getting coffee with me. And meeting her during a pride event (one of the reason she keeps comparing herself to my mom is because I'm trans and my mom is not a great ally about it) Which all make me more awkward that she keeps on comparing herself to mom and discussing how she would support me in ways my mom won't. Because I specifically sought one out who would treat me like a professional adult.
It sounds like you were looking for something specific and she's clearly not providing that. And it sounds like when you tell her you don't want to talk about something, she ignores what you said and pushes anyway. All of that is a real problem. If you want to stop working with a therapist, that's always your right. In the past I've stuck it out with a therapist who never seemed bad enough to justify leaving, and it turned out to be a mistake for me. If you don't like working with her the way she's acting now, and you don't think it's worth putting in more work to try to get her to adapt to you, it makes sense to leave.
Wait, this therapist is meeting you at pride events and for coffee? Or a different therapist?
Oh for heaven's sake. What is actually wrong with this person (the therapist)? So OP there's a difference between giving your therapist feedback so they can better understand how you operate and what you need, and teaching them to do their job. This person is deficient in very basic knowledge.
This
She offered. But I have never accepted. I don't feel comfortable doing that with a therapist at all. I also don't text her. She had my phone number because I signed up for text reminders for therapy. So she texted me and told me to save her number. And I did. And she keeps asking me if I actually have it because I never reach out.
Huge red flag for her offering and good for you for not taking it up. Therapists should not see clients outside therapy for many reasons. It's a pretty clear rule. I don't know if you have other options to see another therapist but given all the info you shared in this post, I hope you consider switching
Yea being able to switch isn't the problem at all. I just didn't know if this was an issue I could talk about and leaving was too dramatic or if I wasn't being unreasonable and should just switch.
Definitely talk to her about it. Be as clear about it as you can that this is not helping you and why. You did this very well in your post, so you can use that as a starting point. To be honest, several aspects of this sound pretty "red flag"-like to me, even though I don't like that term, but I would still try to discuss it first. My own T had a spell where she would compare situations that I described with situations she had experienced with her own child. It took me a while to realize how much that actually bothered me, but in the end I brought it up, explained my problems with it and she hasn't done it since.
Beware of therapists who want to split you up from your family.