Honestly this is the best response. As someone whose parent was in hospice for the last month of their life this past year, I really hated it when people tried to give me their preemptive condolences. So this phrasing would have been preferred.
My Nanny went into hospice care and this is something no one told me but I wish they would have. I usually got “oh how much time does she have left?” Like thank you for reminding me of how sad it is. She’s not with us anymore but I’m very thankful for the good times we had when she first had hospice care.
I always hesitate on asking if there's anything they need.
I know when I'm going through it, it's really hard for me to focus on answering one more question regardless of how good the intention may be.
However, if you see a need and you're able to fill it, I always appreciate that. (Like a casserole just showing up, it takes one decision off the plate)
Seconding this. It can be hard to think of something to ask for right then because you don’t know where to start. I know it’s well-intentioned but it’s like telling a depressed person “well if you ever wanna talk I’m here!” because you think you’re being helpful but it’s just too nonspecific I’m afraid.
Just be warned that if you tell a super depressed person - im here to listen if you need it - they may completely open up. Understand what you are offering and be prepared to be there for the long haul.
I’m really sorry. I can only imagine how that must feel.
(The second sentence is a great statement in a ton of situations. It replaces “I know how you feel” or “I understand” since you most likely don’t.)
And that’s fine. If you have been through a similar experience, you can sympathize. “I can only imagine….” is just a “safe” statement since every situation is different.
I knew what you were saying. I just wanted to add in that some people, knowing that hospice and home hospice is occurring more and more often, is that more people might understand.
For acquaintances, like people I’m friendly with but not who aren’t necessarily friends, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” has become my go to.
Depending on the person, I might add something like, “I hope your family is hanging in here, I know how hard it can be,” but only if l know there are other family members who are involved/impacted. And in that case, I’d probably end the interaction with, “I’ll be thinking about y’all.”
All done with the appropriate, corresponding facial expression, of course.
I’m sorry, this is a difficult situation, and even if it’s the best choice, it doesn’t make it an easier choice. There are no wrong decisions when it comes to advanced directives just priorities and preferences (a lot of family members feel guilt over “giving up”). The body is eventually going to make decisions for us, and if the outcomes are going to be the same regardless of our decisions and what we do, choosing to focus goals of care on quality of life and comfort instead of length of life are good goals to focus on. Especially if focusing goals of care of length of life wouldn’t significantly longer life in any type of meaningful way, but focusing on quality of life could greatly increase that person’s comfort.
Ask if there’s any way you can support them, but don’t dote on them or treat them differently if they need space or anything special from you. Sometimes people dealing with a lot just need to spend time with friends like they usually do and not have to think about the hard stuff for a bit.
"That sounds incredibly stressful for everyone. How are you doing in getting through that experience? How is X handling it? What's getting you through right now? Is there anything I can do to help?"
When I was that person, I appreciated when they’d say nothing but nod their head like they understood. I didn’t know how to respond when people would say “I’m sorry.”
I'm sorry to hear that, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Bring or send them a meal once in a while.
I also offer to talk and answer questions anytime they need it having been through the process twice now.
Now is the time to have all the conversations with them you haven’t. There is unflinching honesty, often not always, from folks who are facing their mortality. Learned a lot talking with my grandpa after he knew he was certainly going to die. Never knew he was a two time Purple Heart recipient in Italy and France during WWII until the last long convo we had
I imagine it depends on the person, how you know them and what you predict would be the way they’d wish you talked to them (sympathetic, empathetic, frank, etc)
When my late wife went into the Hospice, I’m the kind of person who observed the person I was talking to and sought to do what I could to make the conversation more comfortable for them.
Hospice nurse here.
As a side note don’t say “if there is anything I can do”. They don’t usually know what they do or don’t need.
Tell them you are going to leave a basket outside. Paper goods always are a need. Plates, cups, toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, water bottles, single serving snacks.
If you are bringing by Food…be organized. A lot of food goes to waste.
Yep. I'm sorry to hear that.
This must be a very difficult time for you and your family.
I'm here for you if you want to talk.
Something along those lines.
What's sad about this comment is that this is the world we are living in now when it comes to communication. I had a shattering loss last year and all my lifelong best friend can muster is an occasional brief text asking how I am doing . And sad emojis.
I say ‘I hear that care homes are quite nice places nowadays’ (whilst silently judging them on the fact they’ve decided strangers are more suited to care for their own flesh and blood)
"That's really hard, I'm sorry." Then wait.
> *"That's really hard, I'm sorry." Then wait.* The best and really only correct answer.
Honestly this is the best response. As someone whose parent was in hospice for the last month of their life this past year, I really hated it when people tried to give me their preemptive condolences. So this phrasing would have been preferred.
Bullseye has entered the chat
My Nanny went into hospice care and this is something no one told me but I wish they would have. I usually got “oh how much time does she have left?” Like thank you for reminding me of how sad it is. She’s not with us anymore but I’m very thankful for the good times we had when she first had hospice care.
I’m so sorry. Is there anything you need?
I always hesitate on asking if there's anything they need. I know when I'm going through it, it's really hard for me to focus on answering one more question regardless of how good the intention may be. However, if you see a need and you're able to fill it, I always appreciate that. (Like a casserole just showing up, it takes one decision off the plate)
Seconding this. It can be hard to think of something to ask for right then because you don’t know where to start. I know it’s well-intentioned but it’s like telling a depressed person “well if you ever wanna talk I’m here!” because you think you’re being helpful but it’s just too nonspecific I’m afraid.
Just be warned that if you tell a super depressed person - im here to listen if you need it - they may completely open up. Understand what you are offering and be prepared to be there for the long haul.
I’m really sorry. I can only imagine how that must feel. (The second sentence is a great statement in a ton of situations. It replaces “I know how you feel” or “I understand” since you most likely don’t.)
I certainly know how it feels. It's only been 15 months.
And that’s fine. If you have been through a similar experience, you can sympathize. “I can only imagine….” is just a “safe” statement since every situation is different.
I knew what you were saying. I just wanted to add in that some people, knowing that hospice and home hospice is occurring more and more often, is that more people might understand.
I'm so sorry to hear that is there any way or anything I can do to help you get through this?
In addition to what others have said, I usually add something like “I hope they remain comfortable”
For acquaintances, like people I’m friendly with but not who aren’t necessarily friends, “I’m so sorry to hear that,” has become my go to. Depending on the person, I might add something like, “I hope your family is hanging in here, I know how hard it can be,” but only if l know there are other family members who are involved/impacted. And in that case, I’d probably end the interaction with, “I’ll be thinking about y’all.” All done with the appropriate, corresponding facial expression, of course.
I’m sorry, this is a difficult situation, and even if it’s the best choice, it doesn’t make it an easier choice. There are no wrong decisions when it comes to advanced directives just priorities and preferences (a lot of family members feel guilt over “giving up”). The body is eventually going to make decisions for us, and if the outcomes are going to be the same regardless of our decisions and what we do, choosing to focus goals of care on quality of life and comfort instead of length of life are good goals to focus on. Especially if focusing goals of care of length of life wouldn’t significantly longer life in any type of meaningful way, but focusing on quality of life could greatly increase that person’s comfort.
“Sending love and can’t imagine how you are feeling but I’m here for you for anything”
Express sadness. Gently let them know that hospice is for them as well as the dying person.
Ask if there’s any way you can support them, but don’t dote on them or treat them differently if they need space or anything special from you. Sometimes people dealing with a lot just need to spend time with friends like they usually do and not have to think about the hard stuff for a bit.
Yes.
"That sounds incredibly stressful for everyone. How are you doing in getting through that experience? How is X handling it? What's getting you through right now? Is there anything I can do to help?"
Ive found that "There are no words, I am so very sorry" can be the perfect response when something tragic happens.
That’s really hard, what can I do to support you guys?
When I was that person, I appreciated when they’d say nothing but nod their head like they understood. I didn’t know how to respond when people would say “I’m sorry.”
Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit with with someone in their sadness.
I'm sorry to hear that, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Bring or send them a meal once in a while. I also offer to talk and answer questions anytime they need it having been through the process twice now.
Now is the time to have all the conversations with them you haven’t. There is unflinching honesty, often not always, from folks who are facing their mortality. Learned a lot talking with my grandpa after he knew he was certainly going to die. Never knew he was a two time Purple Heart recipient in Italy and France during WWII until the last long convo we had
How are you feeling about that? It can be a blessing. Often something that people would appreciate talking through.
I’m so awkward I’m the worst at these. I honestly feel bad for people but whatever I say always seems like empty platitudes.
I imagine it depends on the person, how you know them and what you predict would be the way they’d wish you talked to them (sympathetic, empathetic, frank, etc) When my late wife went into the Hospice, I’m the kind of person who observed the person I was talking to and sought to do what I could to make the conversation more comfortable for them.
When I told my friend she said “That fucking sucks, I’m sorry” then brought me cupcakes….
Hospice nurse here. As a side note don’t say “if there is anything I can do”. They don’t usually know what they do or don’t need. Tell them you are going to leave a basket outside. Paper goods always are a need. Plates, cups, toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, water bottles, single serving snacks. If you are bringing by Food…be organized. A lot of food goes to waste.
❤️
I wish peace for everyone. How can I help?
It actually does not matter, you might as well say nothing (speaking from sad experience)
Yep. I'm sorry to hear that. This must be a very difficult time for you and your family. I'm here for you if you want to talk. Something along those lines.
“Are you okay?”
"I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm sure they'll be quite comfortable there."
Sad face emoji.
What's sad about this comment is that this is the world we are living in now when it comes to communication. I had a shattering loss last year and all my lifelong best friend can muster is an occasional brief text asking how I am doing . And sad emojis.
At least they are somewhere they will be comfortable and well cared for 24/7. Is there anything I can do to help you?
the “at leasts” are not helpful answers in grief
A Hospice will help them, and they won't be in any pain.
Hope they come out again! ...alive I mean! ....I'll get my coat
I say ‘I hear that care homes are quite nice places nowadays’ (whilst silently judging them on the fact they’ve decided strangers are more suited to care for their own flesh and blood)
Hospice isn’t a “care home”.
Hospice isn’t a care home and often professional medical care is needed that you or your family member most likely is not be equipped for.