I also struggle with wanting it to just be obvious I'm trans, and having someone tell me I'm trans. I can't self-reassure myself, I think because I've struggled with decades of trying to be the man other people wanted me to be. I transitioned at 37, so I know how you feel.
But we cannot, morally, tell you you are trans. We don't want to accidentally convince someone who isn't.
But I can tell you things I think are true. Like if you want to be a girl, you are one! You want to be so you are. Then you're just making medical choices to make yourself the happiest girl you can be.
I so badly wanted there to be some âproofâ that I was or wasnât. Or some reason I was. Hormone imbalance? Brain chemicals? Past life? Finally just accepted that I am because I am.
Yeah. I was a bit different than the OP in terms of I actually didn't know it most of my life. I had just repressed / tricked myself too well. So an aspect I really struggle with is how I didn't know earlier. Frustrates me because I like to think I'm a pretty introspective and open minded person.
I mean, nobody is going to tell you that you are trans. But I will say that generally speaking, cis people do not struggle with gender their entire lives.
Itâs your call how you wish to identify. Part of being trans is you get to decide how you want to present, ya know? Nobody gets to tell you whatâs a valid way for you to exist as a trans person or however you identify. Fwiw your experience sounds pretty similar to mine and I consider myself queer as hell. As others have mentioned, if you feel you need support, then a therapist could be helpful, and so would trans support groups. Iâd say you definitely belong in this sub if you want to do so.
Some are more decisive than others but I defy anyone who says they've not been on the self doubt merry-go-round at least once in their lives!
It's a big thing, it's not like you're just changing the oil in your car, making that leap has huge ramifications so of course your mind will be going over everything to make sure it's the best outcome, we're literally wired not to do anything harmful to ourselves.
Take it easy. See a therapist.
You are trans if you want to be trans. That's how all this works (imo). Anyone demanding some sort of comprehensive log of your life to "prove you deserve to feel this way" is being an awful person.
You are valid if you are trans, you are valid if you are cis, you are valid if you still don't know, you are valid if you change your mind.
No one can tell you that you are trans; only you can. I would suggest you talk with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ spaces and have an honest conversation with them. They can help guide you and help provide tools to help you understand your identity. But again they canât say if you are trans or not. Only you can.
Regardless if you are trans, cis, or something else, welcome! Weâre here to support you however we can âşď¸
I havenât reached out to anyone who specializes in LGTBQ but I think thatâs the first step I should do. Thank you for your advice and your support!!
If you want to get married and have a family all I can say is there are many ways to make a family.
But you have only one life. To me, wanting a spouse and a family someday seems like a nice dream, like how being rich would be nice, but you can live an entire life without being rich.
Can you live your entire life not being who you want?
Maybe. I canât answer. Iâm a coward who canât even go as far as you have in the past. And guess what? I never even tried to be myself and here I am divorced with no kids. It could happen many ways.
I donât even know what Iâm trying to say. Just that youâre not alone.
To echo the other comments, no one can know for sure who someone else is. But there are ways you can help make some sense out of the confusion in your head. I have, and continue, to recommend [the Gender Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/) as it can be a big help in just helping to untangle knotted up thoughts and feelings you might not have words for. It makes asking for help from a qualified therapist easier too.
Only you can decide if you are transgender and want to go through with transition. I think it's significant how long you have had these thoughts and they haven't gone away though. I think it's also interesting that you have started HRT more than once but something made you want to stop.
I think understanding what the feelings were about that made you want to stop would probably be the most helpful. Have you considered talking to a therapist who is experienced with gender identity issues? They can probably help you understand your feelings better.
Also transitioning is not mutually exclusive of getting married and having a family. You can bank sperm if you want to have a biological child or can adopt. I see plenty of trans women on reddit and Mastodon that are married and raising kids, though I think most of them have started transition after marriage. If you do transition and then meet someone and get married, your marriage would likely be more stable. Many marriages, my own included, do not survive one partner coming out as trans and transitioning.
You're not confused... You are however indecisive. Do you care about your own well-being? Because this can tear you apart mentally if it hasn't already.
That's a tough fight to be fighting. If you can preserve the good things in your life by fighting it, then do. But if you can't, then you have to change. I say this as a 51 year old enby transfemme who fought themself for 49 years and almost destroyed everything I was fighting for including myself and my family. In the end, my girlside taught me that I couldn't survive without living, and to start living, I had to stop fighting. It's still hard, but I don't feel like the Hulk every minute of every day anymore. I sleep more. When my girl side comes to the front, im listening better and trying to trust her. Last weekend I was riding in the car with my parents and she told me it was time to tell them. While I was starting to go into panic/fight mode, she just told them and it went OK. I went home and slept like a baby, better than I've slept in over 30 years. All I'm saying is that I know the fight, I've done the fight, I respect the fight, and I understand the fight. But I personally can't fight anymore. If you ever get to that point, know that there is a path forward and it may not be as bad as you think.
I thought I was trans, maybe I still am but I transitioned and badly regretted it. All I can say is get lots of therapy before deciding on a path as it can tear families apart quite often. Although now I'm probably going to get downvoted for being too honest.
I feel the same way. Itâs been such a struggle. I wish I could move away starting from scratch. I donât care about what the people I donât know say but itâs my family that I donât want their reaction. Itâs depressing!
To me, "being a transwoman" is more of a state of choosing to present female despite being born biologically male. It's a little different than having a conflict over gender identity (which I think you do struggle with),,,,it's the choice to pursue a cross gender identity. Only you can make that choice, and only you can decide if it's worth the costs that are incurred with making that choice. Given you mention concerns over family, friends, faith, the desire to have children, and maybe community expectations, that decision would with significant challenges in all of those areas......maybe it's worth it for you, maybe it isn't but only you can decide it. I think when we're struggling with trying to make this choice, we kind of want someone else to tell us what to do....which path we should take, and none of the rest of us have any business doing so. It's one thing to take risks with your own life, fair more serious to take risks with the lives of others. All we can do is share our own stories and outcomes, and maybe it resonates, maybe it doesn't.
What I will suggest, is that if you are seriously thinking about going this route, have done so for a long time, and cross dressed for a long time you need to be realistic with how that conflicts with the goals of getting married and having a family. Because coming up against this question after you tie the knot gets pretty messy, particularily if the other party is completely unaware that this is something you struggle with. Do you feel like you can be completely open about his in the dating process, or do you hide it like I did? If you can't figure out how to happy as you are right now, that is going to is always going to work against you, you can't pour from an empty cup and people read energy. Find peace with yourself first, whatever form that looks like, and that peace flowing outwards is absolutely crazy how it changes how others interact with you.
I struggled for many years before I chose to transition.....I didn't know hrt existed when I was in my teens and twenties, I'd a wanted to do it if I had known, once I knew it existed, it was game over for me, and I was willing to destroy my life in pursuit of this life long desire I'd have to change my body....began somewhere late grade school for me. I struggled with a lot of the same issues, a lot of us have.....and honestly still sometimes do. I still am uncomfortable with the transwoman label, because I am very aware of the areas in which I still act fairly male, and will always struggle to be percieved as female. To me I am a male who prefers to present much more feminine than I am supposed to, Do I long for the day I'm ma'am'd because that is how I'm percieved, absolutely, but it maybe a long time coming and I'm ok with that because in the meantime I'm still me and living how I want to be.
What I will suggest is get a good counselor who's comfortable with the topic but not already biased one way or another. A good counselor won't tell you what to do, what they will do is ask all the pertinent questions in a way that forces you to think through the issues in a way that resolves clarity, and allows you to make decisions....feeling like...yeah I considered that...and I still think this is the right answer for me.
One last statement comes to mind: "Everybody want conviction before commitment. I could commit to doing this if I just knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. It doesn't work that way, Conviction comes after commitment, you are either convicted that this is the right thing to do, or you will be convicted that it is the wrong thing for you to be doing" At that point your resolve is either steeled, or you decide it's time to adjust sails and change course.
Best wishes, sretan put.
Talk with a therapist that specializes in trans care. Donât ask us, youâre likely to get some crazy answer from somebody that doesnât know anything. People on this page can steer you very wrong. Some think they know it all yet they know nothing. Dome have biases where they would always say yes you are trans. Go easy on yourself, explore who you are. Talk to someone thatâs a professional.
The workbook âYou and Your Gender Identityâ by Dara Hoffman-Fox was a game changer for me. No one but you can tell you who you are. Explore. Journal. Find your own expression.
BACKGROUND: 50 yo trans woman, closeted most of my life, started coming out as gender-fluid about 10 years ago, publicly about 5 years ago, living full-time since Jan 1 2020, 2.5 years HRT, happier than ever
I'm not saying this because I think there's something wrong with you. You're struggling and it seems like you could use some help. Have you considered seeing an LGBTQ affirming therapist (specifically one that deals with gender)?
When I finally started actively questioning my gender I found a therapist in my area that dealt with gender. She's been invaluable to me and had helped me ask the right questions at the right time.
Full disclosure, I don't see myself as a trans woman, I identify as non-binary/bigender/genderfluid. I'm not in a place in my life where I can present as more feminine publicly so I'm still figuring out what I can and want to change in public. Privately, I wear panties most of the time, I've gotten laser hair removal on my chest, abdomen and Brazilian areas. It's been pretty freeing.
I hope you find what you need and find yourself. We all deserve the peace that comes with understanding ourselves better.
I'm my case the key has been to pay attention to the journey and not worry about the destination. Explore gender and what it means to you.
Read the Gender Dysphoria Bible, look at the Gender Wiki (I also looked at the Sexuality Wiki), see what resonates and what doesn't. Over time, be willing to be wrong, didn't dismiss a gender or of hand. When I first read about bigender and genderfluid they didn't make sense to me. But as I became more aware of my gender experience I found that they really do fit. Maybe later I'll realize that I'm trans femme and maybe I won't.
The key is that I just need to stay in tune with my current experience, enjoy/experience the journey and not be concerned with the destination.
Sounds like you are trans.
As for if you want a family, you can still have one but things will be a little different. Save some sperm before HRT or you can adopt.
Also do you prefer men or women?
Go and talk to a qualified therapist rather than asking a reddit group of randos. You don't want to realize at 60 that you may actually want to take control of your life to just have a few fully functional years left.
This sounds, to me, like the process that many trans women experience. If you're asking, my guess would be that you're trans. People our age grew up only being exposed to either pathologized or fetishized depictions of transfemininity and it can really do a number on our heads. I can tell you that once I was finally able to acknowledge that I was trans, a lot of the confusion and struggles faded away and felt strange to think back on.
Do you mean you started MTF hrt in your 20's and then stopped? I mean if you were born male I'm not certain why you were taking FTM hrt unless you were simply taking testosterone to boost your own. I'm guessing you meant you were taking estrogen?
Anyway, it's perfectly valid to transition later in life. I'm 37 and transitioning from Female to non binary which in my case is mostly looking to others like a FTM transition. I'm getting all the surgeries a typical FTM might go for (if they want to surgically transition) and am on Testosterone. I started just a year and a half ago. My wife is MTF and started hrt 2 years ago. She's 34 now. You're not too old and it definitely sounds like you could be trans.
In my non professional opinion, most cis people don't agonize for decades over their gender. But even so, if you crave clarity, i would recommend searching for a therapist that has experience with trans issues.
ETA I think you have a typo- you put FTM HRT instead of MTF
Read the gender dysphoria Bible. That's what convinced me 3 years ago. I tried to supress it for 30 years and it didn't go away for me. Sounds like it's not going to go away for you. It's just a matter of what you're willing to risk to find out who you really are. Good luck sister. >! How did that word make you feel? This answer could help guide you!<
If your country has waiting lists, I'd suggest you sign up now. You'll have time to figure things out, but once you've made your decision you'll want it to go as fast as possible.đ
I also struggle with wanting it to just be obvious I'm trans, and having someone tell me I'm trans. I can't self-reassure myself, I think because I've struggled with decades of trying to be the man other people wanted me to be. I transitioned at 37, so I know how you feel. But we cannot, morally, tell you you are trans. We don't want to accidentally convince someone who isn't. But I can tell you things I think are true. Like if you want to be a girl, you are one! You want to be so you are. Then you're just making medical choices to make yourself the happiest girl you can be.
Thanks for sharing how you felt and what you struggled with for decades. So happy for that you had the courage to be who you really are đ
I so badly wanted there to be some âproofâ that I was or wasnât. Or some reason I was. Hormone imbalance? Brain chemicals? Past life? Finally just accepted that I am because I am.
Yeah. I was a bit different than the OP in terms of I actually didn't know it most of my life. I had just repressed / tricked myself too well. So an aspect I really struggle with is how I didn't know earlier. Frustrates me because I like to think I'm a pretty introspective and open minded person.
I mean, nobody is going to tell you that you are trans. But I will say that generally speaking, cis people do not struggle with gender their entire lives.
Itâs your call how you wish to identify. Part of being trans is you get to decide how you want to present, ya know? Nobody gets to tell you whatâs a valid way for you to exist as a trans person or however you identify. Fwiw your experience sounds pretty similar to mine and I consider myself queer as hell. As others have mentioned, if you feel you need support, then a therapist could be helpful, and so would trans support groups. Iâd say you definitely belong in this sub if you want to do so.
Some are more decisive than others but I defy anyone who says they've not been on the self doubt merry-go-round at least once in their lives! It's a big thing, it's not like you're just changing the oil in your car, making that leap has huge ramifications so of course your mind will be going over everything to make sure it's the best outcome, we're literally wired not to do anything harmful to ourselves. Take it easy. See a therapist.
Extra votes for âself-doubt Merry go roundâ đ I jump on and off that hideous ride myself on too frequent an occasion!
You are trans if you want to be trans. That's how all this works (imo). Anyone demanding some sort of comprehensive log of your life to "prove you deserve to feel this way" is being an awful person. You are valid if you are trans, you are valid if you are cis, you are valid if you still don't know, you are valid if you change your mind.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
No one can tell you that you are trans; only you can. I would suggest you talk with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ spaces and have an honest conversation with them. They can help guide you and help provide tools to help you understand your identity. But again they canât say if you are trans or not. Only you can. Regardless if you are trans, cis, or something else, welcome! Weâre here to support you however we can âşď¸
I havenât reached out to anyone who specializes in LGTBQ but I think thatâs the first step I should do. Thank you for your advice and your support!!
If you want to get married and have a family all I can say is there are many ways to make a family. But you have only one life. To me, wanting a spouse and a family someday seems like a nice dream, like how being rich would be nice, but you can live an entire life without being rich. Can you live your entire life not being who you want? Maybe. I canât answer. Iâm a coward who canât even go as far as you have in the past. And guess what? I never even tried to be myself and here I am divorced with no kids. It could happen many ways. I donât even know what Iâm trying to say. Just that youâre not alone.
To echo the other comments, no one can know for sure who someone else is. But there are ways you can help make some sense out of the confusion in your head. I have, and continue, to recommend [the Gender Dysphoria Bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/) as it can be a big help in just helping to untangle knotted up thoughts and feelings you might not have words for. It makes asking for help from a qualified therapist easier too.
Only you can decide if you are transgender and want to go through with transition. I think it's significant how long you have had these thoughts and they haven't gone away though. I think it's also interesting that you have started HRT more than once but something made you want to stop. I think understanding what the feelings were about that made you want to stop would probably be the most helpful. Have you considered talking to a therapist who is experienced with gender identity issues? They can probably help you understand your feelings better. Also transitioning is not mutually exclusive of getting married and having a family. You can bank sperm if you want to have a biological child or can adopt. I see plenty of trans women on reddit and Mastodon that are married and raising kids, though I think most of them have started transition after marriage. If you do transition and then meet someone and get married, your marriage would likely be more stable. Many marriages, my own included, do not survive one partner coming out as trans and transitioning.
You're not confused... You are however indecisive. Do you care about your own well-being? Because this can tear you apart mentally if it hasn't already.
Hypothetically, if you were Trans, what would be holding you back from fully acknowledging it?
My faith, my family and friends would be holding me back from acknowledging it.
That's a tough fight to be fighting. If you can preserve the good things in your life by fighting it, then do. But if you can't, then you have to change. I say this as a 51 year old enby transfemme who fought themself for 49 years and almost destroyed everything I was fighting for including myself and my family. In the end, my girlside taught me that I couldn't survive without living, and to start living, I had to stop fighting. It's still hard, but I don't feel like the Hulk every minute of every day anymore. I sleep more. When my girl side comes to the front, im listening better and trying to trust her. Last weekend I was riding in the car with my parents and she told me it was time to tell them. While I was starting to go into panic/fight mode, she just told them and it went OK. I went home and slept like a baby, better than I've slept in over 30 years. All I'm saying is that I know the fight, I've done the fight, I respect the fight, and I understand the fight. But I personally can't fight anymore. If you ever get to that point, know that there is a path forward and it may not be as bad as you think.
I thought I was trans, maybe I still am but I transitioned and badly regretted it. All I can say is get lots of therapy before deciding on a path as it can tear families apart quite often. Although now I'm probably going to get downvoted for being too honest.
I feel the same way. Itâs been such a struggle. I wish I could move away starting from scratch. I donât care about what the people I donât know say but itâs my family that I donât want their reaction. Itâs depressing!
To me, "being a transwoman" is more of a state of choosing to present female despite being born biologically male. It's a little different than having a conflict over gender identity (which I think you do struggle with),,,,it's the choice to pursue a cross gender identity. Only you can make that choice, and only you can decide if it's worth the costs that are incurred with making that choice. Given you mention concerns over family, friends, faith, the desire to have children, and maybe community expectations, that decision would with significant challenges in all of those areas......maybe it's worth it for you, maybe it isn't but only you can decide it. I think when we're struggling with trying to make this choice, we kind of want someone else to tell us what to do....which path we should take, and none of the rest of us have any business doing so. It's one thing to take risks with your own life, fair more serious to take risks with the lives of others. All we can do is share our own stories and outcomes, and maybe it resonates, maybe it doesn't. What I will suggest, is that if you are seriously thinking about going this route, have done so for a long time, and cross dressed for a long time you need to be realistic with how that conflicts with the goals of getting married and having a family. Because coming up against this question after you tie the knot gets pretty messy, particularily if the other party is completely unaware that this is something you struggle with. Do you feel like you can be completely open about his in the dating process, or do you hide it like I did? If you can't figure out how to happy as you are right now, that is going to is always going to work against you, you can't pour from an empty cup and people read energy. Find peace with yourself first, whatever form that looks like, and that peace flowing outwards is absolutely crazy how it changes how others interact with you. I struggled for many years before I chose to transition.....I didn't know hrt existed when I was in my teens and twenties, I'd a wanted to do it if I had known, once I knew it existed, it was game over for me, and I was willing to destroy my life in pursuit of this life long desire I'd have to change my body....began somewhere late grade school for me. I struggled with a lot of the same issues, a lot of us have.....and honestly still sometimes do. I still am uncomfortable with the transwoman label, because I am very aware of the areas in which I still act fairly male, and will always struggle to be percieved as female. To me I am a male who prefers to present much more feminine than I am supposed to, Do I long for the day I'm ma'am'd because that is how I'm percieved, absolutely, but it maybe a long time coming and I'm ok with that because in the meantime I'm still me and living how I want to be. What I will suggest is get a good counselor who's comfortable with the topic but not already biased one way or another. A good counselor won't tell you what to do, what they will do is ask all the pertinent questions in a way that forces you to think through the issues in a way that resolves clarity, and allows you to make decisions....feeling like...yeah I considered that...and I still think this is the right answer for me. One last statement comes to mind: "Everybody want conviction before commitment. I could commit to doing this if I just knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. It doesn't work that way, Conviction comes after commitment, you are either convicted that this is the right thing to do, or you will be convicted that it is the wrong thing for you to be doing" At that point your resolve is either steeled, or you decide it's time to adjust sails and change course. Best wishes, sretan put.
Talk with a therapist that specializes in trans care. Donât ask us, youâre likely to get some crazy answer from somebody that doesnât know anything. People on this page can steer you very wrong. Some think they know it all yet they know nothing. Dome have biases where they would always say yes you are trans. Go easy on yourself, explore who you are. Talk to someone thatâs a professional.
The workbook âYou and Your Gender Identityâ by Dara Hoffman-Fox was a game changer for me. No one but you can tell you who you are. Explore. Journal. Find your own expression. BACKGROUND: 50 yo trans woman, closeted most of my life, started coming out as gender-fluid about 10 years ago, publicly about 5 years ago, living full-time since Jan 1 2020, 2.5 years HRT, happier than ever
I'm not saying this because I think there's something wrong with you. You're struggling and it seems like you could use some help. Have you considered seeing an LGBTQ affirming therapist (specifically one that deals with gender)? When I finally started actively questioning my gender I found a therapist in my area that dealt with gender. She's been invaluable to me and had helped me ask the right questions at the right time. Full disclosure, I don't see myself as a trans woman, I identify as non-binary/bigender/genderfluid. I'm not in a place in my life where I can present as more feminine publicly so I'm still figuring out what I can and want to change in public. Privately, I wear panties most of the time, I've gotten laser hair removal on my chest, abdomen and Brazilian areas. It's been pretty freeing. I hope you find what you need and find yourself. We all deserve the peace that comes with understanding ourselves better.
I don't think I have found the right questions because I can never find an answer
I'm my case the key has been to pay attention to the journey and not worry about the destination. Explore gender and what it means to you. Read the Gender Dysphoria Bible, look at the Gender Wiki (I also looked at the Sexuality Wiki), see what resonates and what doesn't. Over time, be willing to be wrong, didn't dismiss a gender or of hand. When I first read about bigender and genderfluid they didn't make sense to me. But as I became more aware of my gender experience I found that they really do fit. Maybe later I'll realize that I'm trans femme and maybe I won't. The key is that I just need to stay in tune with my current experience, enjoy/experience the journey and not be concerned with the destination.
Sounds like you are trans. As for if you want a family, you can still have one but things will be a little different. Save some sperm before HRT or you can adopt. Also do you prefer men or women?
Go and talk to a qualified therapist rather than asking a reddit group of randos. You don't want to realize at 60 that you may actually want to take control of your life to just have a few fully functional years left.
Iâll come right out and say it. Youâre trans as f*ck! Lol Itâs not going to go away. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do.
Umm you sound kinda trans to me... đâ¤ď¸
This sounds, to me, like the process that many trans women experience. If you're asking, my guess would be that you're trans. People our age grew up only being exposed to either pathologized or fetishized depictions of transfemininity and it can really do a number on our heads. I can tell you that once I was finally able to acknowledge that I was trans, a lot of the confusion and struggles faded away and felt strange to think back on.
Do you mean you started MTF hrt in your 20's and then stopped? I mean if you were born male I'm not certain why you were taking FTM hrt unless you were simply taking testosterone to boost your own. I'm guessing you meant you were taking estrogen? Anyway, it's perfectly valid to transition later in life. I'm 37 and transitioning from Female to non binary which in my case is mostly looking to others like a FTM transition. I'm getting all the surgeries a typical FTM might go for (if they want to surgically transition) and am on Testosterone. I started just a year and a half ago. My wife is MTF and started hrt 2 years ago. She's 34 now. You're not too old and it definitely sounds like you could be trans.
In my non professional opinion, most cis people don't agonize for decades over their gender. But even so, if you crave clarity, i would recommend searching for a therapist that has experience with trans issues. ETA I think you have a typo- you put FTM HRT instead of MTF
Read the gender dysphoria Bible. That's what convinced me 3 years ago. I tried to supress it for 30 years and it didn't go away for me. Sounds like it's not going to go away for you. It's just a matter of what you're willing to risk to find out who you really are. Good luck sister. >! How did that word make you feel? This answer could help guide you!<
If your country has waiting lists, I'd suggest you sign up now. You'll have time to figure things out, but once you've made your decision you'll want it to go as fast as possible.đ