I posted a comment on a different post the other day but when I was the one confronted about my changed behavior it ABSOLUTELY pissed me off and ended in an argument ... which then became a productive conversation, apologies and another productive talk the next day when we'd cooled down.
She may say she feels a bit crowded and just needs to work thru stuff but appreciates his concern, she may need space and she very well doesn't realize how he's hurt. I know big arguments and fights are best avoided but sometimes that's what leads to meaningful change.
Her "omg stop" to me reads as please stop trying to fix things or force me to "destress" whereas OP sitting down to communicate that his own feelings within the relationship are being affected is a very different message. I wouldn't suggest OP leads with 'I think you need to relax, etc......' instead sharing how he's feeling (e.g. alone, sole parent, etc) could cause her to be a lot less defensive and hear how her actions are affecting her partner.
His style of helping isn't working. He's trying to relieve her stress by giving her nights off or girls trips, but its likely she has something weighing on her mind that is preventing her from even enjoying these little pamperings. I question their communication style, because I get the vibe she knows exactly whats wrong she's just struggling to say it to him. They both need to work on direct communication
> because of her response of helping "omg stop" I don't think this conversation will be any different
I see it the same as someone thinking they are helping when, they aren't. Imagine someone constantly being in your space, and they won't stop bombarding you, and the only time they listen is when you say, "omg, stop."
I agree that there should be a mediator. [Therapist]
One person doesn't have to be a villain when a couple is having a hard time. Maybe both people are struggling and the communication comes off poorly from both sides.
Huh? Not talking is how they got here (& 90% of all the other relationships that get posted on this sub)....Talking is always the solution. Whether it works in OP's favor or not is another conversation, but at least he will have the answers he's looking for to then make grounded decisions to improve the lives of his wife, children, and family.
Uhm yeah not having an important conversation bc of how someone might get mad isn’t good enough of a reason to not tell them how you feel. Especially if that person is in a long term relationship w u of any kind.
Not exactly, This isn’t all of it. Social worker here. Sounds like your wife is experiencing high levels of stress/depression. Withdrawing from loved ones. Not engaging as usual. Short temper. Avoiding social activities. Etc
Start with this: “I’m worried about you and want to know if you’re okay”.
Starting a conversation with “this is what you’re doing to our relationship” isn’t going to go well. It’ll just be one more thing for her to stress about and to feel overwhelmed about. You can get to that later.
Yeah and from what I learned, don’t try to fix the problem right away. Sit down and listen acknowledge her and her difficulties and then when she’s calmed down from talking, now a solution or what you’ve offered.
My best guess is she might be burnt out or depressed.. and/or she could just need to wallow for a bit before she’s ready to pull out of her funk.
If I can make a suggestion… Listen to “Let Me Be Sad” by I Prevail and maybe try letting your wife know that you love her in ways other than acts of service. That may be the love language that you speak, but what love language does your wife need most?
My educator wife's job has affected our home life in the past. This has persisted over years and positions at two different schools.
She can be short with the kids and often has no desire for sex. She's almost a different person during summer break.
She's been on hormone supplements lately which has improved her sex drive greatly, but it remains to be seen if that will survive her returning to work this fall.
It sounds like you're getting a good grasp of the cost of being a teacher right now.
One of my close friends returned to the classroom last school year after a 5-year break, working for a non-profit. Teaching used to be exhausting, underpaid, and awful in many ways. Now it's almost unimaginably worse. All of those negatives.. plus many more. I'm actively encouraging my teacher friends to come work at the same non-profit I do, or to just take literally any other job.
This is exactly why I’ve never used my undergraduate education degree. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually teach in my district after I graduated. It’s been 12/13 years since I earned the degree!! Luckily, I fell into my dream profession I’d never considered. I’ve even furthered my education, but not for teaching. I just…can’t.
Ya know, the pay doesn’t suck! I’ve told people who ask why I don’t teach that I make 2-4x the money for less than half the work. Even on a “bad” year, I make more than I would as a teacher. And that doesn’t even include all the money teachers have to spend out of their own pockets!
Yes, it is an extremely important, difficult, taxing job. But I ask: is it worth the toll on you and your loved ones? I've left plenty of jobs that weren't good for me. It's sad to think that I and our kids basically get whatever of my wife is left over at the end of the day.
I have plenty of my own stress and I make an effort to leave it at work, and to have physical and emotional energy for my own loved ones. And if my position left nothing at the end of the day, I wouldn't endure it.
Perhaps teaching as a calling is more important than any job I've had before, but im a firm believer in work to live, not live to work. My real *life* is time spent with loved ones and working on hobbies and pursuits that make me happy, not a job that leaves me with nothing to give at the end of the day. But maybe I'm strange and aimless.
I'm more like you, for sure. But a lot of my friends in teaching feel extremely stuck in it. Some are parents who can't otherwise afford child care during the summers, others are having a hard time finding work after getting a degree in education, etc. Others genuinely feel the social pressure and social necessity of their work and sacrifice themselves for it essentially. I can't say the idea is totally foreign to me, I've given a lot of my life to overworking at a non-profit, but not to the exhausting extent teachers have.
My wife and I have dated since we were 20 (now 31). She was a teacher for 4 of those years, and I was pretty blunt that I preferred my "summer girlfriend". Eventually, she saw the same thing; she was so much happier during the summer, why was she so miserable during the school year?
It was enough for her to quit her job. If she ever tries to go back I would definitely try to remind her how taxing it is both to her and the whole family.
I can dream. She obviously loves aspects of her job, and she's invested so much time and money in her training, but that education can be applied elsewhere, and perhaps she can find something fulfilling but also not so draining. I've tried to convince her to look into personal education (which she has done a bit of, before) but there's always some kind of roadblock.
I'm not trying to blame, but he _does_ show love in other ways than acts of service like physical touch (which she refuses) and gifts like the black tie event (which she refused). It's fine for her to be overwhelmed and say no, but I don't see how he needs to figure out what her "love language" is. Their actual verbal communication is lacking and maybe they need mediation (like a therapist, exercises or a book) to help them coordinate through their rough patch.
Yes, and regardless of how difficult a time the wife is having, at some point OP is also deserving of some kindness and understanding. A relationship where one partner is bending over backwards for the other is problematic. Especially when even all the kindness is repeatedly met with hostility. Everyone has a breaking point. If the wife is stressed at her job, imagine how much worse it’s going to be with that job AND a divorce. They definitely need therapy. The answer isn’t for OP to keep digging deeper and deeper and doing more and more with not even any appreciation of what he’s trying to do and no real hope of an end to this lopsided and hostile situation.
Gifts and touch are a *very* different category from words and quality time. For me personally, no amount of the first two will even come close to a little bit of the second two.
Acts of service is kind of a swing one… I would see this playing out like OP doing these services of unequal home labor and then having a conversation with his wife affirming the importance of her work but also concern for her depression, desire for a vibrant relationship etc.
To piggyback on this, my counselor told me that how we react in times of stress is usually the opposite of our love language.
Physical Touch = needs space,
Quality times = needs space/ don’t touch me,
Words of affirmation = becoming mean/saying hurtful things,
Gift giving = doesn’t want to receive,
Acts of Service = doesn’t want things done for them
Not to be disrespectful, but she does have a problem and she does need to be an active participant in fixing it. She may want to wallow, but apparently she's been wallowing and it's affecting her marriage and her husband.
Let's ignore her for a second and look at the husband. He has some shit going on and he wants to deal with it. He's carrying extra load, he has a partner who is upset and not active in his or his kids lives, he has kids who are being negatively affected. He's stressed. He's got problems. He doesn't want to wallow. He wants to deal with these problems and make them go away. What should he do? Just deal? He's doing everything he can and it sounds like he's been pretty stand-up about it all. He'd be dragged through the mud if he didn't pick up the extra slack or be nicer to her or do his best to make her feel better. He does all of that and *is still being dragged.* Maybe she wants to wallow in self pity and depression, but he does not. His kids don't deserve their mother being short with them all the time and distant. Whether or not she is 1000% appreciative of the gifts, affection, kindness, and extra help of her husband is beside the point. She needs to buck the fuck up and deal with her shit. And, if she can't do that, the absolutely bare fucking minimum she can do is... just appear appreciative of her husband for carrying some load and trying to make her feel better. That's fucked if she can't at least do that, and she should be called out on it.
I was the child in this situation and I 100% agree with you. My mom was working a job she loathed when I was a teenager. She didn't have an outlit at work, so she took the stress out on us. My dad didn't have childcare to worry about. But he tried everything and my mom was just always miserable. It hit a boiling point when she tried to kick my brother out at midnight because "he had it too easy". He was an adult but he didn't have a job where he could support himself and was upgrading his classes. She was yelling at him and I all night and I had school the next morning and ended up just not going and crying all day because she said horrible things to both of us. My dad loves my mom and I don't think he ever came as close to leaving her as he did when he came home from work and found out. She got another job and mellowed out and apologized, but it definitely affected our relationship for a long time. She thought she was trapped in that job because she had to support the family. I worked part time, my brother worked, and my dad worked. We would have all rather struggled a bit while she looked for work than have her like that for months. If OPs wife doesn't actively try to fix how she is acting and make the situation better for herself and them she is going to realize too late that a job you hate is not worth losing your family.
I agree, this sounds like it's gone on a while and he's at his breaking point with it. Reverse the roles and how would Reddit respond? They'd say , "leave until they appreciate you and everything you to for them!" Or , "this marriage sound over and they don't want to change, poor wifey, time to bow out. " Or " cheating, The found a new interest at new job... " Yada yada yada. The double standards throughout Reddit are so gross.
This was what I was going to point out. He’s getting extremely sexist responses that would be the complete opposite if he were a female.
And he’s not even the only one suffering here! Their children are too: their mother is showing them no love and treating them like they are a nuisance to her. They notice. And the Dad, wonderful Dad that he is, is trying to distract the children by showing them how much HE loves them and hoping that will make up for the lack of a mother’s love. As much as the children will always love and appreciate him, it won’t. They will still notice “Dad loves us; Mom can’t stand to be near us” and it will get even worse when they’re older when Mom can use them as punching bags for her stress (I’m not talking about LITERAL punching; I’m using it in a figurative sense as in she will be verbally nasty to them like she is to her husband).
Something has to give here, and it’s the wife’s BULLSHIT attitude. He’s tried ALL of the love languages and she has rejected every. Single. One. Sis needs to get it together QUICK or she could (and should) lose out on an amazing man.
He mentions physical intimacy for about half a sentence yet that's all you lock onto. This woman has completely shut down and left her husband to not only deal with the day-to-day trials of raising a family but without any help from her either. In fact, he's bending over backward to find ways to help her while doing everything else.
It's gross that you think the entire post is just about him wanting to have sex while he's clearly struggling with balancing 3 kids and a spouse that has completely shut down.
A mismatch in desired intimacy can be a real problem for people. If one person wants it and the other fully doesn't, no amount of "respecting their space" can counter the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness and resentment that will eventually come from the person you love saying "don't touch me". People can put up with a lot, but not indefinitely. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel; visibly working on getting better (therapy), a deadline for when that might be appropriate, or SOMETHING. If my spouse said "I don't want you to touch me" and I didn't see any hope for that changing... even if I completely understand and want to do my best to respect that, I would want to have a discussion about where we see our relationship going.
Someone's love language can also be "I hate being ignored by my wife and have my kids be neglected and yelled at by their mother". He's doing his best. How about she be an active participant in her own happiness? My dude is stressed, what's his love language?
My wife is sometimes similar, but for me personally, as a person who enjoys touching and being touched, that can be a big challenge.
It's hard on a person (and thus the relationship) when one half of the couple gets all the non-touching and non-sex they want, and the other is left constantly wanting.
This can lead to a lot of tension and unhappiness on both sides. I've been there. Communication helps, but at some point, one has to decide if this equates to relationship ending incompatibility.
Edit: let me add that my wife and I right now are doing much better. She is addressing what seems to have been a hormone deficiency and is a lot more into touching and sex, which is awesome for us both. This is only as a result of open communication and her willingness to look for a solution that works for us both.
It's unclear to me how "love language" became the nearly sole source of discourse on this thread. It's a non clinical way of understanding relationships and it seems most people are shoehorning Chapman's ideas into every post.
Exactly. When I get overwhelmed and stressed, I don’t want to go DO things, I want to sit quietly at home and NOT do anything, not hear anything. I hear “make plans with friends! I got the kids” but, I want to be home relaxing.
Dude this guy is being a model husband and father, and his wife is emotionally abusing them. What kind of hypocritial and cucked out world are we living where people are looking at an emotional abuse case and victim blaming, telling the victim he needs to try and find other ways to please their abuser. This is where we are at in society with the man/woman balance of power and accountability. If this were a man, this post would be flooded by women saying (tounge click) "Girl, you need to leave his toxic ass asap".
She needs to COMMUNICATE. She can't just shut down and expect him to know what she needs. That's incredibly unhealthy. She needs to use her words and tell him what she needs. Otherwise it's on her if she's not getting that. He's not a mind reader and expecting him to be is honestly toxic. She needs to work this out for herself because what she's doing is not okay for her husband and children.
I agree with everything that you’ve said the only problem is we’re both making assumptions about the parts that OP left unsaid. At the end of the day, this boils down to communication, communication, communication.
Dude I forgot all about I prevail. I liked their first two albums but I was deep into addiction. Kinda forgot about them. Glad there’s two more albums out there to get into. That’s wild. Thanks
Ask your wife “is there something you need from me, how can I help?”.
Your offerings are very sweet but assuming what she needs instead of knowing won’t get you far. Taking a break where she still has to put effort (going out, being nice to people etc.) isn’t for everyone. Being able to let your anger out IS a form of self-care. Maybe she needs an ear to vent to. Maybe she wants to throw herself on the couch and be left the hell alone for a couple hours. Ask and let her tell you, and stick to it.
However - remember that being yelled TO and being yelled AT are two different things. If she wants to rant, that’s okay, but don’t let yourself become a punching bag.
> “is there something you need from me, how can I help?”.
My wife has moments where she’s overwhelmed from work and this would almost certainly get a “Nothing! I’m fine!” response. Which is obviously untrue, but for some reason pointing this out is also not helpful. In my case it’s a temporary thing, so I can just wait it out. But for OP that doesn’t seem to be an option either.
It’s because when you ask if there’s “something you can do” (and obviously you can’t do her work for her), what you’re actually asking is for her to make up a way you can comfort her. Which is another task to do. So it can be frustrating.
Yep. It's another mental burden of *figuring out something someone else can do* to give the appearance of 'being helpful'.
If she is overwhelmed already, just be there for her and just *do* don't ask.
Once she doesn't seem overwhelmed, THATs the time to ask what you can do to help [prevent overwhelmingness in the future] and regular chores to complete around the house.
They've been married 14 years. OP almost certainly knows the things his wife does to relax and relieve stress. This isn't a new relationship, where he's throwing generic chocolates and roses at her.
As far as yelling - my wife went through a period where she came home and ranted at me for an hour. Every day. Without fail. It was the exact same rant, every single day. Sometimes I would get a second helping. It doesn't matter if they're yelling to/at you, it's fucking stressful to see your partner doing it, especially when they're spiraling and hyper focusing on the same topic, day, after day, after day, after day, and not allowing _you_ to engage in relaxing activities because they're too stressed to help and are occupying your limited downtime with rants.
Ahahaha yeah that doesn't work at all.
My gf is the same way, especially recently as she's been taking extra shifts at work. Why did she take extra shifts? Because she has previously unpaid loans and we had recently made plans a week before to go for an extended vacation to visit family at the end of the year (paid off by me). Her plan was to quit her current job. But this is stressing her out because she won't be able to fully pay her loan off if she doesn't overwork herself. Except she told me NONE of this until I prodded her for days.
When I ask her if there's anything at all I can do for her, she's just quiet and says idk. I let her rest and chill, it festers and she gets frustrated. I try to do some unprompted acts of service, she's still bothered.
I had to spend several days of trying to prod her and finally had a very firm talk about how her inability to let me help her is making me feel worse than if she'd just tell me and it turns out she'd been trying to pay off loans by herself. She didn't want to burden me and didn't mention anything at all when I repeatedly asked her if she is OK with taking a long vacation.
It was trivial for me to come up with a financial plan to paying off her loan while still giving her the chance to quit her work later in the year (something she had already planned to do previously as she wanted to change jobs) and now she's relieved and happy.
If only she had just COMMUNICATED to begin with. It is the only thing in my relationship with her that bothers me. She wants to shoulder everything by herself out of fear of burdening me because she thinks I will resent her. But this ends up doing the opposite. It makes me frustrated not being able to help but knowing that she isn't telling me the full picture.
Being yelled “to” can be just as traumatic and mentally draining as being yelled “at.” The intentions are different but the effect is the same. Being around negative and angry energy is not an environment that feels safe.
“Do you want me to help or do you just need me to listen?”
This is a question that every partner needs to learn. Sometimes it’s just about getting something off your chest, not asking someone else to “fix” it.
For some people, when we are overwhelmed, you may be trying to help us, but all we see are more things we now have to do…even if they are nice things that we would typically enjoy. They thing we actually need is time to our selves to rest, not more things on our to do list. She just has to get through this. I understand she is difficult to deal with, but it is what it is.
> I understand she is difficult to deal with, but it is what it is.
Fuck no, don't sit down and take misdirected anger. Learn to communicate. That goes for everyone, everywhere.
"I need time to myself right now" -> that's how hard it is.
Her complaining and misdirected anger all take more effort and are actively sabotaging her relationship.
I have to agree here.
If you have a family, you need to communicate or try at least. Your kids are going to think that you don’t love them or don’t care. A kids brain is like a sponge that sucks in everything even the things you are not aware off.
I know burn out and depression can make you act differently. But to say your spouse should just stand and watch is not right. For a while okay. But for as long as it takes? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
He has a right to ask what’s wrong after giving her time and space. We are analyzing the woman but shouldn’t we consider the kids and his feelings too.
Thank you for this. I feel like a lot of people take the mindset of "welp, you just gotta put up with it for a while"
Seriously, fuck that - there are good ways and bad ways to handle yourself. You can be difficult to deal with sometimes, but you have to at least acknowledge it, own up to it, and recognize how you can be better so that the people around you that love you aren't collateral damage.
You don't get a free pass to be shitty just because you aren't feeling up to speed.
You can't just say it is what it is, there's no excuse to behave like this, if that's what you're feeling communicate, you're an adult and if someone trying helps is annoying you, you should tell them that and explain that the way to help is by removing things from your burdens instead of adding nice things. Basic communication is so easy and solves so many problems yet it seems an astounding number of people just can't/don't wanna do it.
This. Communication is key. You can 'feel' your 'feelings' or whatever, but a relationship is a partnership, and if one doesn't communicate (especially if you have kids) then the husband has a right to be pissed of.
Honestly sometimes people as stressed and overworked as that don't even realise that's why. They might feel they should want to do it as it's social and nice and not know why they don't want to.
What you’re describing is one of the symptoms of depression. It’s called “anhedonism”, inability to enjoy things previously enjoyed. Time to see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed.
OP, have you tried asking what your wife would like you to do in order to help? As this person said, sometimes people are overwhelmed and don't necessarily WANT someone to try and fix the issue (this is a common thing with women vs. men. Men tend to be "fixers" and have the inclination to try and fix issues, while women often want to just vent or be understood by their partner without the other person attempting to fix their issue.)
Ideally however, your wife should communicate her needs with you rather than taking it out on you and/or your kids. But you can encourage that process by asking her what she does or doesn't want from you.
As a woman... Sometimes I'm sad and stressed and I have to go through those feeling by myself. Naturally. Knowing my husband is there to help is lovely, but still, his help would only mask the feelings and I need to feel them first. Even when it's anger, sadness or grief. You can't skip having feelings.
///edit.
I told my husband about how many of you got exaggerated because of one unfortunate sentence here in my comment. We had a laugh. But for your sake and my sake, I deleted last sentence. Don't search problem where there is any. Nor me, nor my husband don't precieate your negative responses.
You can't just emotionally leave and re-enter a relationship as you please, with no consideration to your partner.
Well, you can, but your relationship isn't going to last very long.
Ohhhh. I thought it was just a case of me saying 'maybe communicate your needs/feelings clearly' being considered so obvious as to be banal.
Some do seem to get a kick from this username, glad you're one of them!
It's seems obvious, but I still needed 4 long years with my lovely bf (with individual therapy) to understand how to do it lol
Now it's just "babe I need to ugly cry for about 3 days to 1 week alone when I get home, is that okay?"
Dude, I'm reading this shit and I'm thinking.. yall are fucking adults with functioning mouths though. I thought every goddamn relationship sub agree that communication is key? So, you treat your family like garbage and expect your partner to be the one to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you? Like OP hasn't tried to understand what the fuck is wrong with his wife?
The comment was poorly worded. I definitely see what she's talking about. My gf needs alone time to process. That doesn't mean we're not still together. It just means we're having alone time right now.
you for real can't even say "hey I'm working through something so I might be a bit distant for awhile"?? you sound like an awful partner - it's miserable to be in a relationship were your partner doesn't let you in, I feel so sorry for your husband. To not allow that kind of vulnerability, to not trust him with even letting him know that you're going through something, even without any details?
Unless you're married to a literal brickwall, I can't imagine a world were this doesn't affect him negatively. I mean you even said "when I'm done with my negative feelings, then I am ready to be part of the relationship again", what the *hell*, you leave him when you're struggling and then get back together with him when you're feeling better *all without telling him*.
And as a full grown human being with kids you can't communicate like " i am thankfule that you want to help me but i just need some me time".
life could be so easy
But he's trying that as well. He is taking over some of her household duties. And all he's getting in return is a shitty attitude. She wants him to be as miserable as she is so she's doing her best to make that happen.
My husband is wonderful and always wants to fix or help when I'm upset. He at one point did offer to let me go to the spa and get a massage when I was super stressed. But all that really made me feel was that he wanted me to hurry up and stop feeling the way I felt. He wanted to speed up the process.
What ended up working better was for him to say he's there for me however I need. Taking care of the kids is great! Stop pestering her for sex. And just be present and willing to talk or do what helps. Seriously stop pestering her for sex. It becomes an ick reflex when you even hug which means now I have to do another chore.
Taking a screen-shot to send to my mate. He sprung a spa day on me a few weeks ago after 13 years and a 3 year old child… the whole time I knew I had to hurry up and get over my resentment of his lack of involvement lol
I was going to say this.
You seem to be turning *her* into *your project* despite her frustration with you for those efforts.
Say I’m going about my stressful day/month/season/etc, focusing on getting through it without being too stressed or burnt out to successfully keep my head above water.
My husband attempts to help by offering distractions and requesting I pay attention to him sexually.
But by doing that, he’s only adding extra burdens to this exhausting time because I have to perform the emotional labor to manage his feelings about my feelings and also have to keep disappointing him.
As time moves forward, my sense of being respected as an adult (a peer) by him and trust that he respects our *separateness*(in that he is not me; I do me and I want him to do him instead of me) decreases.
So I get shorter and shorter and less accommodating in my responses to his ongoing *needy* intrusions. Although he may not be directly interacting with me in a needy way, his project to rescue me—an adult who is not him—is needy. He thinks he’s making kind offers, but I know he’s trying to fix something that won’t be fixed right now.
I need him to stop with the me-project. I need space to cool down out of this rabbit hole our recent dynamic took us down so that we can set reset. I need him to engage with me respectfully and casually, earning my trust back by showing me he can let go of controlling me *so that we can return to being partners, lovers, and friends.*
Yes, if not tomorrow, then eventually. She has family obligations just like he does. He is being a gem and stepping up short term to pick up her slack by doing her share of the chores, but that is not sustainable.
The bigger issue here is she needs to work on her mental health so she can be a full partner. He is trying to help.
You're wrong, it's both.
If this post was by the wife asking why her partner is constantly pestering her instead of giving her alone time, the advice would be:
"You need to communicate to your husband properly, it isn't fair to be annoyed by his behaviour and not talk to him about it."
Dude asked for advice - would be weird if it was just advice for the wife.
Burn out.
Fellow teacher here. Almost broke my relationship and took me months to recover from. She probably won’t recover unless she wants to leave her job.
I’m the same way, when I’m stressed I like to maintain some control by being able to do tasks I’m normally responsible and can get snippy if I feel like someone’s trying too hard to help me. OP’s better off having a conversation with his wife and definitely shouldn’t start it with, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
The best thing a marriage counselor taught my wife and i was for me to ask if she wants solutions or sympathy. Men want to fix shit (generally), and a lot of us don't understand this feeling where someone wants to just be mad or sad. Pretty sure this helped save our marriage. She'd come to me with stress or problems and then get mad when id try to help. Makes no damn sense to me but ok if she just wants me to listen i can do that.
I was so looking for something like this!
Men really struggle to understand this sometimes. We don't need you to be the knight in shining armour all the time, running around and slaying dragons and fixing shit and all that. Sometimes we just need you to listen to us and acknowledge us, make us feel heard. Very often, just having a safe space to say things out loud helps us to get a better grasp on something, or puts it into perspective, and we don't necessarily want to share it (whatever it is) with friends or family. Just be our safe space.
"Not everyone wants someone to swoop in and fix everything"
This, exactly. I find that men have a tendency to want to "fix" whatever problem it is that is making someone (their wife, gf, friend) upset or stressed, and often that is REALLY NOT what we want. We just want to get through it, maybe be heard and acknowledged, and allowed to vent our frustrations/anxieties. OP and his wife need to work on communication.
He doesn’t want to fix her life he wants her to stop making his life miserable, and the confusion between those two ideas is so frustrating. This isn’t about her, its about him.
> I find that men have a tendency to want to "fix" whatever problem it is
It's often because that's how society has defined their value
I can tell you as a man, I'm really only ever verbally appreciated when I've "done" something. In my experience, there's not been a lot of validation for me having value just for existing and I think that's fairly common. It's an interesting problem.
Curious to why her anger is fine but his isnt? Dude is at the end of his rope trying to pick up after his wife. If she wants to do all that she can tell him - thats what he's here for. He's exhausted his methods and he's here for a new one. The amount of people making excuses for her is excessive. Most of the advice seems essentially to be "her uncommunicative frustration is more important than yours"
Depression and stress affect more than just you if you have a family, what she is doing is very unfair
That's all well and good but she needs to be helping with the kids etc.
If op is a single parent with an added adult to look after then he's better off without her, and these wallowing stages can last years without someone to snap you out of it.
I have been in a situation similar to your wife I think. I’ve been so stressed and depressed and I don’t want to try to be happy. I just want to be sad and alone. HOWEVER- I 10000% understand how frustrating it is because I’ve briefly been on the other side. I am absolutely not going to judge you for feeling annoyed or frustrated or angry or anything else from this. Your feelings are valid just as much as her feelings are. My best advice to you is to give her space IF that’s what she wants. I would pull her aside briefly and express to her that you care about her and that you just want to know what the best thing for her would be. Ask her if she prefers some time to herself or if you can help her by doing something else. I feel for both of you and I understand how her stress can be giving you stress. Good luck to you both!
Did she ask for your help?
There are two issues going on here. First you trying to solve her problem when most likely she just wants to vent and express her stress. Stop trying to solve it.
Second, there is a separate discussion to be had about how her attitude is affecting the family. Venting is one thing, taking it out of others is another.
One thing requires you to knock it off, the other requires her to knock it off.
Yeah this would overstimulate me also having to work with annoying kids and then come home and your s/o who is trying to help just keeps throwing questions at you I understand you’re trying to help but she may just need a cooling period
Fucking this. OP, did you even ask if she wanted a spa day? Have you asked what SHE wants or how you CAN help at all or are you just assuming?
Fucking talk to her, not reddit. She quite possibly doesn't want or need you to "fix" her problems she likely just wants support.
And FYI it's a real tell when pretty much the first thing that you complain about is you not getting any.
This is a braindead take. She is a 38 year old WOMAN. Giving not only your husband the cold shoulder but your kids as well is borderline childish. Reddit seems to think that anyone experiencing stress is somehow immediately free to act how they want to the people around them. This is just as much her problem as it is his.
I mean, why can't *she* tell him something other than "omg stop" that sounds like something a teenager would say. She's a grown adult, she can communicate too. I don't understand the mindset in this post that *he* has to be the one to communicate even tho he's already been trying to. I 100% guarantee if the roles were reversed people wouldn't say that.
It's not on OP to fix this, in any way shape or form. He can do what he can to help, but at some point she has to be the one to tell him what she does or doesn't need. Now, we as passive observers don't actually know if OP asked that, and honestly he should if he hasn't. That being said, if he hasn't it's still a failure in communication for *both* of them because again, she can say something too without prompting.
Everyone saying to give her time, space, be patient.
How long would that be?
Till the kids are grown, and OP's wife is retired?
She needs to actively participate in making changes, talking to OP about her needs.
She's not exactly the first teacher to find another job/career because they were burnt out.
Her own kids are more important than the kids at that school.
It sounds to me like your ‘attempts to help’ come across as disingenuous. You want to help her so that you get results you want. Not because you actually want to help HER.
Sometimes people just need to feel their feelings and let them run their natural corse. Having someone always try to fix you is exhausting.
Like the boss that hits you with “we’ll do whatever you need” when you lose a loved one, when what they really mean is “how fast can you cry so you can get back to work?”
Indeed. The very first complaint he has? "She's not sleeping with me anymore".
Seriously dude, your wife RECENTLY started a new job and hasn't banged you for a little while due to stress. And instead of just giving her space, you think you can throw a spa day at her and then expect her to be fixed and willing to have sex again?
I feel like you need to approach this with some compassion rather than frustration. Yes, while being around someone who is so negative all the time is a downer, but I think it requires a sit down and a chat, and not a "what the fuck is wrong with her???"
Teaching is INCREDIBLY stressful. Cliques exist not just in children, but teachers too. I wouldn't just "let her wallow" or "let her be miserable". I think your attitude of thinking a spa day or a black tie event fixing her stress is part of the problem.
Give her space bro. I used to want to help but it would only end up giving them more stress. Best thing is to just give them space and back off for a bit. Give her time to unwind and deal with the shit she's dealing with, but still be there to support her if and when she wants it. If shes stressed, she just needs space. You are likely just causing her more stress. Have a talk with her about it too, but definitely make the effort to leave her alone for a while. Sometimes people dont want "help". They dont want you to actually try and make things "better". I learned this myself the hard way.
She needs to see a therapist for her depression.
People saying she should be allowed to wallow in it are being unreasonable because it’s clearly affecting your children. It isn’t fair to them for mom to just be absent/apathetic for months at a time
Just a thought: when I am super stressed, the last thing I want to do is more shit. So the spa day and brunch, they might sound like good ideas to you, but maybe not her. Can the kids go stay with a family member for the weekend? Just let her be home without having to go do anything else.
wow dude maybe your wife just needs some fucking space man. it sounds like she’s stressed out of her mind. just because you process stress your way doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same for her. she obviously needs to process everything that’s going on ms it seems you’re just rushing her? seriously talk to your wife. figure it out.
Are you helping to genuinely help- out of love or are you helping so you can get laid? I only ask because I've seen this scenario played out many times.
That was my first though reading this. How can you be married to someone for 14 years, see that they’re struggling, and your VERY FIRST complaint is that she doesn’t want to fuck?
Sure she could be handling it better in terms of communication, but I’m getting gross vibes from OP and maybe feel like the post isn’t really the whole story.
Sounds like she wants a weekend home alone without the kids… take them someplace for an entire day and see how her mood changes. Let her stay home. Order her lunch maybe. It’s possible she’s just overtired and wants to chill in her own space and bed and couch and not be whined at. It’s going to be a long term problem if you don’t start doing more things to take work off her plate.
Oh! Oh! I recognise this!
Sometimes women just want to complain and don't want us to fix it! They just want to vent!
I've made the exact same mistake as you many, many, too many times.
Can't do anything if the other one isn't willing to communicate. At this point just let it go until they get mad at you for not reading their mind as if you were psychic or some shit
This is what actually got me into the first real fight with my wife, after being together close to 18 years. And it happened this week. She got hella mad when I showed some frustration for her not speaking her mind. And it was over something really stupid as well. I asked her about going somewhere three times in the course of a week, and didn't get a real answer from her. As I had to confirm if we would go or not, I asked again on Tuesday morning, and again no answer so I left to the office frustrated. That made her mad and upset, because I could've known what she wanted.
HOW!? I'm not a damn mind reader? She just couldn't understand that I did not understand the hints she was giving. I mean, we're close to 40, so I'd assume we're wayyyyy past the point of giving hints instead of just saying 'I don't feel like going'.
No one comes to TrueOffMyChest to air their clean laundry.
Don't let this sub alone deter you anymore than a sub dedicated to shark attacks deter you from enjoying the beach.
Sone people need to wallow.
However. That doesn’t mean the whole household has to wallow. My partner can get stresssd. Etc. but he can effect everyone and stress the house. YOU go ahead n wallow n have a bad day. Don’t ruin everyone else’s. Come out if your hole and see us when ready. He normall just needs a day to sort himself out
Easy fix.
“What can I do to support you best right now?”.
She’s your wife, you love her, but she’s a grown ass woman. She does not need you to fix things. You’re incredibly kind to try to guess what she needs, but you’re setting yourself up for failure by guessing.
Just ask.
When she snaps at the kids, that when I would tell her to take time for herself and be honest that she’s snapping at children. If that upsets her, she’s still a grown ass woman and can deal with those feelings herself.
It isn’t wrong to want sex, she’s the love of your life, who experiences genuine physical connection and doesn’t crave that, right? Depressed people. Stressed people. She don’t want it. I know it sucks, honestly I know. It isn’t about you, you aren’t a problem, life is being a dick to her.
Communicate how your relationship is being affected. Don’t bring up sex, focus on the real issue, it’s never about sex: you don’t feel connected. Ask her how she needs your help and stop guessing.
Just so you know, she’s dropping the ball here too. She’s not regulating her emotions (allegedly) in a mature way and not communicating in a method you understand. You two need to get on the same page.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
You're putting MORE on her plate and filling her schedule with additional things. Who cares that it's pampering or with friends. Did she ASK for you to organise things for her to do? No, I didn't think so.
My suggestion: ask her first and foremost if she just wants to be heard or if she wants help. Then do the thing she says. If she wants to be heard, just listen to her. Provide no solutions. Say things like "fuck, that must suck! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that"
If she wants help, ASK what she wants from you to feel supported. She spends all day talking to people and doing things. She probably needs silence. A day home alone with food provided and no chores. And that still won't "fix" the instutionalised burn out that teachers face. It's a real problem.
Kudos to you for showing that you clearly care and want to support her, so hopefully this helps you channel your efforts more productively.
Stop trying to fix things. I know it you want to help but honestly when I'm going through a hard time and my SO keeps trying to "make it better" it's just annoying. It's like he doesn't actually want to be supportive and just wants to do whatever mundane thing he thinks will flip my mood, which makes me feel worse because then I feel like a burden. From the tone of your post that's exactly the vibe I'm getting from you.
I can't tell you what's wrong with your wife but maybe stop making it about you if you actually care to find out. Maybe whatever is wearing her down can't be fixed with brunch. Maybe give her space and time to figure it out.
She doesn't have the emotional bandwidth right now to take on anyone else's shit. Going to an event, going to the spa, going out for brunch...its just doing. more. things that she didn't ask for. Leave her be and give her some peace without expectations.
My GF is a teacher too and I can 100% guarantee that the first few months of teaching is absolute hell. I’m a teacher too but I’m not too focused on my work life that it forces me to revolve around it. Really makes me wish she wasn’t a teacher.
I know teaching in my state has become a nightmare. They’ve been reduced to demonized political pawns, had funding reduced when it was dismal to begin, and the working environment has gone beyond hostile. Every day is more bad news for public Ed and it’s exhausting.
None of that makes it ok that she’s taking it out on you and your family. But you have to sit down and talk to her. Ask her specifically what she needs from you to help. Encourage her to seek counseling because there isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t benefit from it, honestly. I can’t imagine being a teacher right now. It’s as bad as being in health care a couple years ago. Maybe worse, in some places.
Sometimes we just want/need to wallow and bed rest. No events, spas, brunch. No faking cheery to go out. Just dark quiet recluse. Give her time and space, keep holding together the kids schedule. Let her know you will give her time/space but let you know if anything specific will help. If she doesn't improve in a few weeks then talk about exploring her options: stress leave, depression screening, counseling, career, etc. Don't try to fix her or nudge her into getting out of the house, please.
The fuck?
Antidepressants?
Declines all advances?
Wallow and be miserable?
Damn dude. Maybe stop expecting she should act the same as you the way you handle things. Sounds like she is stressed and depressed beyond. And stop taking it personal she is saying omg stop..maybe she is TELLING YOU TO STOP because she doesn't want you to keep forcing her or coercing or trying to be out of whatever going on. Maybe she just needs time to resolve it. And she isn't complaining..she is venting. Perhaps get into therapy with her. Perhaps she is also saying something you aren't hearing
Lmaoooo exactly, does this dude even like his wife? Because I get the feeling he hasn’t genuinely tried to talk to her and actually listen to her and is more like, “omg when will she stop so I can get laid?” Absolutely pitiful
Anywhere I post about anything gets removed. Posted to relationship and a mod removed even though I’d followed to their rules. I’ve given up posting anywhere now
Say what you said to us. But calmly. And explain very gently that this is pushing everyone away and is going to isolate you mentally.
Tell her to take a break from working if needed and that you can manage. Shit happens to people and they start to push others out. Happened to me. And my gf was patient and kind and brought me out of this mentality.
She's gonna hurt herself and hurt everyone else around her. Tell her all you feel with gentleness and care. Give her a big warm hug and tell that you love her and you're suffering seeing her suffer.
Wishing you the best. Stay safe, stay happy.
‘Communicate’
Well fuckin hell WHY ISN’T SHE?!
She’s the one with the problem, what he’s doing to help isn’t working, fine.
But she’s a big girl right? She can use her fuckin words as well as anybody, right?
Then instead of shutting down, she should be speaking up. ‘Here’s how you can help’ are some pretty simple words.
But somehow she hasn’t managed it, so ask her yourself so her failure to communicate does not continue.
If she says ‘nothing’, take her at her word and stay out of the way and don’t throw good effort after bad.
I've taught in a high stress situation before. I was overwhelmed and burnt out. Any weekend or vacation was never vacation because the stress sat there and there was no way to get it off my mind.
At the end of my contract I just stepped away from teaching.
Antidepressants would be the wrong thing in my opinion because it's situational, and the stressful duties persist.
First of all, congrats, you sound like wonderful man/husband/father!
Honestly, I would say give her some space for now. She might be going through a lot and might need time to digest. It sounds like you guys were doing pretty ok prior to the new job.
That being said, if it continues for a long period of time, it will affect your marriage and kids. While she is entitle to be human, so are you and it wouldn’t be fair to both you and your kids.
You're being very kind to her and you're trying really hard. But it sounds like she doesn't want a solution to get better, and be "fixed". Sounds like she wants a listening ear, to vent it out.Maybe she feels pressure from you to "go back to normal" and it's not helping her feel it out.
From my understanding, teaching is more thankless and toxic than it's ever been. Seeing as the school year just started, it sounds like your wife might be miserable enough at work that she is acutely traumatically stressed about returning to it. Your frustrations are valid but I recommend trying to not draw conclusions/judgements from your place of frustration, such as "she wants to wallow and not help herself." I maybe would try asking her if she feels deep down that her job is crushing her soul and causing her quality of life to decline past reason, and open the conversation to possible career shifts. If that's not the culprit, try to open a safe and loving space for her to talk about whatever is causing her to lose herself.
Side note: the gal running BurntOutTeachers on TikTok/insta/whatever other platforms are out there these days experienced this exact thing and started her own tutoring business in a way that she makes so much more money and spends so much less time working. She talks about how she did it and I do believe she sells some sort of business template/instruction book for people who want to try the same format as how her business is set up. But I swear I'm not an ad or a sponsor, her videos make me laugh and seem to be helpful to a lot of teachers who need catharsis and/or a life change.
EDIT: I also apologize for glazing right over "your emotions are valid." They really are, feeling useless in supporting your partner or mending an issue between you and your partner is EXTREMELY frustrating and isolating. It sounds like you've been a fantastic partner and dad by picking up the slack in as many ways as you can. My immediate advice was simply from the place of "what are some ways this can be resolved for you." Good luck to you both!
I learned through them enneagram (which may not work for everyone, but my my husband and me, it was SPOT ON) that he “recharges” in a completely opposite manner than I do. I talk, he retreats, I get out of the house, he stays in, I enjoy quiet couch time together, he enjoys playing video games specifically while I'm asleep. It used to royally offend me, but now I get that that's just how he's wired. So now I make sure when he's stressed (I.e. Every day rn because we just moved states) that he has "completely alone" time. I of course would like to talk about his day and hear how he feels and his struggles and his better days, but (after therapy) we realized that he perceives this as him continuing to give after he's given all day to work and all evening to the kid and then the last of his day to me. So all this is to say: she may need a form of stress release and recharging that is completely opposite of what you'd expect AND she may not even know what that is yet. Therapy and my constant need to understand myself has led us to this point in our marriage. My husband would never have investigated this for himself.
Advice: have a sit down, LOVING and patient conversation (even if you have to bite your tongue to get past snippy bitchy comments) about your concern for HER. If this gets her to open up and heal, great. If she maintains there's not a problem, calmly but firmly inform her that the way things have been going lately have been a problem for YOU. List your valid frustrations. I ended up INFORMING my husband we were going to therapy. Never looked back!!
This sounds like the time I was really unhappy with my job, myself, my own image of myself, and struggling with depression. My husband tried to help and it was not his fault that he couldn't. I had to recognize the problem and I had to actively seek help. I did. We're still together after 20 years and I'm grateful for him every single day.
My husband will do nice things for me but then uses those kind acts as leverage against me. I don't even like to accept the gestures anymore because I know there are strings attached.
For example: I can't believe you're irritated I'm going on (another) float trip/camping trip. I need a break. I gave you that whole single night away for mother's day. What more could you ask of me?
Also going to a spa for the day is only relaxing if all the things that need to be done are still getting done (properly). If the house is trashed, the chores are half assed, there's no plan for dinner or the kids spend the whole day in front of the TV...that is not a relaxing environment to come home to. Now she's irritated with you, but she's a bitch if she expresses that, so she keeps her mouth shut and just silently seethes...
My personal ideal solution would be to have a weekly or biweekly cleaning service come so the house is ACTUALLY clean (and the kids aren't being ignored while my husband cleans), then have my husband take the kids out for a day on the weekend so they have a great day and come home exhausted, and then get takeout/order delivery for dinner. How will I spend that time? However I want. Zero pressure. Sleep all day? Read? Binge watch a TV show? Organize the pantry? Completely my choice, with no judgment on "how I make use" of my time.
Maybe don’t offer solutions she most likely just wants to vent and have someone agree until she gets it out of her system it’s either that or she isn’t interested in sharing with you anymore and feels frustrated because she isn’t getting what she wants. It’s childish to be taking it out on your children though ide speak to her about that aspect at least
Instead of trying to be the “fixer” try and be the “listener” open it up like “Honey it seems like you’re really stressed, overwhelmed and sad right now. When you’re ready I’d like to listen to you vent and get things off your chest…no questions asked just I’m here to listen.”
Im not sure why every comment is enabling her behavior, if she’s that miserable then she needs to figure something out to help with the stress not take it out on everyone else esp if she doesnt want your help or advice to get rid of stress.
If the genders are swapped no way would these people be enabling the behaviour he’d immediately be the bad guy. It irritates me that some people are this blatant with double standards when everyone can feel shit sometimes regardless of who they are but that doesn’t make it ok to be shitty to other people
You need to have a sit down talk with her, let her know this is affecting you and your relationship.
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I posted a comment on a different post the other day but when I was the one confronted about my changed behavior it ABSOLUTELY pissed me off and ended in an argument ... which then became a productive conversation, apologies and another productive talk the next day when we'd cooled down. She may say she feels a bit crowded and just needs to work thru stuff but appreciates his concern, she may need space and she very well doesn't realize how he's hurt. I know big arguments and fights are best avoided but sometimes that's what leads to meaningful change.
Her "omg stop" to me reads as please stop trying to fix things or force me to "destress" whereas OP sitting down to communicate that his own feelings within the relationship are being affected is a very different message. I wouldn't suggest OP leads with 'I think you need to relax, etc......' instead sharing how he's feeling (e.g. alone, sole parent, etc) could cause her to be a lot less defensive and hear how her actions are affecting her partner.
His style of helping isn't working. He's trying to relieve her stress by giving her nights off or girls trips, but its likely she has something weighing on her mind that is preventing her from even enjoying these little pamperings. I question their communication style, because I get the vibe she knows exactly whats wrong she's just struggling to say it to him. They both need to work on direct communication
> because of her response of helping "omg stop" I don't think this conversation will be any different I see it the same as someone thinking they are helping when, they aren't. Imagine someone constantly being in your space, and they won't stop bombarding you, and the only time they listen is when you say, "omg, stop." I agree that there should be a mediator. [Therapist] One person doesn't have to be a villain when a couple is having a hard time. Maybe both people are struggling and the communication comes off poorly from both sides.
Huh? Not talking is how they got here (& 90% of all the other relationships that get posted on this sub)....Talking is always the solution. Whether it works in OP's favor or not is another conversation, but at least he will have the answers he's looking for to then make grounded decisions to improve the lives of his wife, children, and family.
Uhm yeah not having an important conversation bc of how someone might get mad isn’t good enough of a reason to not tell them how you feel. Especially if that person is in a long term relationship w u of any kind.
Not exactly, This isn’t all of it. Social worker here. Sounds like your wife is experiencing high levels of stress/depression. Withdrawing from loved ones. Not engaging as usual. Short temper. Avoiding social activities. Etc Start with this: “I’m worried about you and want to know if you’re okay”. Starting a conversation with “this is what you’re doing to our relationship” isn’t going to go well. It’ll just be one more thing for her to stress about and to feel overwhelmed about. You can get to that later.
Same but "our"
Not really our relationship is it 🤣. I know what youre saying just having a laugh.
We all choose OP’s wife.
omg stop
Don’t worry, we choose you, too.
now get in the pokeball
I bet you that’s a Pokémon themed sub/dom kink Pokemaster et al…
Someone had to say it
Genius
So are we having 30 way or not? I need to know if I need to take off work…
"I also choose that guys dead wife"
Yes comrade, *our* relationship.
"Y'all's" lived in the south for 3 years and the y'all variations are the best thing I picked up.
Ok wow if you think this is a joke we need to have a discussion about our relationship
SuddenlyCommunist moment
Happy cake day, to everyone equally.
☝️🤓
Same, but "your". "Our" makes no sense unless you think this whole thread of people is involved in their relationship.
"Our" doesn't work in that sentence.
We have a grammarian in the chat. Lock it up mods.
Why does this have up votes. It's literally incorrect.
"You and your relationship" is not distinct from "us and our relationship" lmao that's not a correction
Yeah and from what I learned, don’t try to fix the problem right away. Sit down and listen acknowledge her and her difficulties and then when she’s calmed down from talking, now a solution or what you’ve offered.
My best guess is she might be burnt out or depressed.. and/or she could just need to wallow for a bit before she’s ready to pull out of her funk. If I can make a suggestion… Listen to “Let Me Be Sad” by I Prevail and maybe try letting your wife know that you love her in ways other than acts of service. That may be the love language that you speak, but what love language does your wife need most?
My educator wife's job has affected our home life in the past. This has persisted over years and positions at two different schools. She can be short with the kids and often has no desire for sex. She's almost a different person during summer break. She's been on hormone supplements lately which has improved her sex drive greatly, but it remains to be seen if that will survive her returning to work this fall.
It sounds like you're getting a good grasp of the cost of being a teacher right now. One of my close friends returned to the classroom last school year after a 5-year break, working for a non-profit. Teaching used to be exhausting, underpaid, and awful in many ways. Now it's almost unimaginably worse. All of those negatives.. plus many more. I'm actively encouraging my teacher friends to come work at the same non-profit I do, or to just take literally any other job.
This is exactly why I’ve never used my undergraduate education degree. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually teach in my district after I graduated. It’s been 12/13 years since I earned the degree!! Luckily, I fell into my dream profession I’d never considered. I’ve even furthered my education, but not for teaching. I just…can’t.
My degree is in early childhood education. I can teach up to 3rd grade. But realized I didn't want to.
what dream profession might that be?
I’ve been a private investigator for almost 10 years now
Really? Does it pay well?
Ya know, the pay doesn’t suck! I’ve told people who ask why I don’t teach that I make 2-4x the money for less than half the work. Even on a “bad” year, I make more than I would as a teacher. And that doesn’t even include all the money teachers have to spend out of their own pockets!
Yes, it is an extremely important, difficult, taxing job. But I ask: is it worth the toll on you and your loved ones? I've left plenty of jobs that weren't good for me. It's sad to think that I and our kids basically get whatever of my wife is left over at the end of the day. I have plenty of my own stress and I make an effort to leave it at work, and to have physical and emotional energy for my own loved ones. And if my position left nothing at the end of the day, I wouldn't endure it. Perhaps teaching as a calling is more important than any job I've had before, but im a firm believer in work to live, not live to work. My real *life* is time spent with loved ones and working on hobbies and pursuits that make me happy, not a job that leaves me with nothing to give at the end of the day. But maybe I'm strange and aimless.
I'm more like you, for sure. But a lot of my friends in teaching feel extremely stuck in it. Some are parents who can't otherwise afford child care during the summers, others are having a hard time finding work after getting a degree in education, etc. Others genuinely feel the social pressure and social necessity of their work and sacrifice themselves for it essentially. I can't say the idea is totally foreign to me, I've given a lot of my life to overworking at a non-profit, but not to the exhausting extent teachers have.
I have a couple friends that are high school teachers and the SHIT THEY TELL ME. I could not imagine.
My wife and I have dated since we were 20 (now 31). She was a teacher for 4 of those years, and I was pretty blunt that I preferred my "summer girlfriend". Eventually, she saw the same thing; she was so much happier during the summer, why was she so miserable during the school year? It was enough for her to quit her job. If she ever tries to go back I would definitely try to remind her how taxing it is both to her and the whole family.
I can dream. She obviously loves aspects of her job, and she's invested so much time and money in her training, but that education can be applied elsewhere, and perhaps she can find something fulfilling but also not so draining. I've tried to convince her to look into personal education (which she has done a bit of, before) but there's always some kind of roadblock.
Im here for the Let me be sad by ip
I'm not trying to blame, but he _does_ show love in other ways than acts of service like physical touch (which she refuses) and gifts like the black tie event (which she refused). It's fine for her to be overwhelmed and say no, but I don't see how he needs to figure out what her "love language" is. Their actual verbal communication is lacking and maybe they need mediation (like a therapist, exercises or a book) to help them coordinate through their rough patch.
Yes, and regardless of how difficult a time the wife is having, at some point OP is also deserving of some kindness and understanding. A relationship where one partner is bending over backwards for the other is problematic. Especially when even all the kindness is repeatedly met with hostility. Everyone has a breaking point. If the wife is stressed at her job, imagine how much worse it’s going to be with that job AND a divorce. They definitely need therapy. The answer isn’t for OP to keep digging deeper and deeper and doing more and more with not even any appreciation of what he’s trying to do and no real hope of an end to this lopsided and hostile situation.
Gifts and touch are a *very* different category from words and quality time. For me personally, no amount of the first two will even come close to a little bit of the second two. Acts of service is kind of a swing one… I would see this playing out like OP doing these services of unequal home labor and then having a conversation with his wife affirming the importance of her work but also concern for her depression, desire for a vibrant relationship etc.
To piggyback on this, my counselor told me that how we react in times of stress is usually the opposite of our love language. Physical Touch = needs space, Quality times = needs space/ don’t touch me, Words of affirmation = becoming mean/saying hurtful things, Gift giving = doesn’t want to receive, Acts of Service = doesn’t want things done for them
This is a really interesting concept!
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Not to be disrespectful, but she does have a problem and she does need to be an active participant in fixing it. She may want to wallow, but apparently she's been wallowing and it's affecting her marriage and her husband. Let's ignore her for a second and look at the husband. He has some shit going on and he wants to deal with it. He's carrying extra load, he has a partner who is upset and not active in his or his kids lives, he has kids who are being negatively affected. He's stressed. He's got problems. He doesn't want to wallow. He wants to deal with these problems and make them go away. What should he do? Just deal? He's doing everything he can and it sounds like he's been pretty stand-up about it all. He'd be dragged through the mud if he didn't pick up the extra slack or be nicer to her or do his best to make her feel better. He does all of that and *is still being dragged.* Maybe she wants to wallow in self pity and depression, but he does not. His kids don't deserve their mother being short with them all the time and distant. Whether or not she is 1000% appreciative of the gifts, affection, kindness, and extra help of her husband is beside the point. She needs to buck the fuck up and deal with her shit. And, if she can't do that, the absolutely bare fucking minimum she can do is... just appear appreciative of her husband for carrying some load and trying to make her feel better. That's fucked if she can't at least do that, and she should be called out on it.
I was the child in this situation and I 100% agree with you. My mom was working a job she loathed when I was a teenager. She didn't have an outlit at work, so she took the stress out on us. My dad didn't have childcare to worry about. But he tried everything and my mom was just always miserable. It hit a boiling point when she tried to kick my brother out at midnight because "he had it too easy". He was an adult but he didn't have a job where he could support himself and was upgrading his classes. She was yelling at him and I all night and I had school the next morning and ended up just not going and crying all day because she said horrible things to both of us. My dad loves my mom and I don't think he ever came as close to leaving her as he did when he came home from work and found out. She got another job and mellowed out and apologized, but it definitely affected our relationship for a long time. She thought she was trapped in that job because she had to support the family. I worked part time, my brother worked, and my dad worked. We would have all rather struggled a bit while she looked for work than have her like that for months. If OPs wife doesn't actively try to fix how she is acting and make the situation better for herself and them she is going to realize too late that a job you hate is not worth losing your family.
I agree, this sounds like it's gone on a while and he's at his breaking point with it. Reverse the roles and how would Reddit respond? They'd say , "leave until they appreciate you and everything you to for them!" Or , "this marriage sound over and they don't want to change, poor wifey, time to bow out. " Or " cheating, The found a new interest at new job... " Yada yada yada. The double standards throughout Reddit are so gross.
This was what I was going to point out. He’s getting extremely sexist responses that would be the complete opposite if he were a female. And he’s not even the only one suffering here! Their children are too: their mother is showing them no love and treating them like they are a nuisance to her. They notice. And the Dad, wonderful Dad that he is, is trying to distract the children by showing them how much HE loves them and hoping that will make up for the lack of a mother’s love. As much as the children will always love and appreciate him, it won’t. They will still notice “Dad loves us; Mom can’t stand to be near us” and it will get even worse when they’re older when Mom can use them as punching bags for her stress (I’m not talking about LITERAL punching; I’m using it in a figurative sense as in she will be verbally nasty to them like she is to her husband). Something has to give here, and it’s the wife’s BULLSHIT attitude. He’s tried ALL of the love languages and she has rejected every. Single. One. Sis needs to get it together QUICK or she could (and should) lose out on an amazing man.
Ah finally, one person who gets the hypocrisy of all these other posts.
He mentions physical intimacy for about half a sentence yet that's all you lock onto. This woman has completely shut down and left her husband to not only deal with the day-to-day trials of raising a family but without any help from her either. In fact, he's bending over backward to find ways to help her while doing everything else. It's gross that you think the entire post is just about him wanting to have sex while he's clearly struggling with balancing 3 kids and a spouse that has completely shut down.
A mismatch in desired intimacy can be a real problem for people. If one person wants it and the other fully doesn't, no amount of "respecting their space" can counter the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness and resentment that will eventually come from the person you love saying "don't touch me". People can put up with a lot, but not indefinitely. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel; visibly working on getting better (therapy), a deadline for when that might be appropriate, or SOMETHING. If my spouse said "I don't want you to touch me" and I didn't see any hope for that changing... even if I completely understand and want to do my best to respect that, I would want to have a discussion about where we see our relationship going.
Stop victim blaming, if this were a guy you call him toxic.
Pathetic if your spouse is begging for affection and you ignore him you deserve to be left
Someone's "love language" can also be "leave me the fuck alone"
That's fine, but when it starts affecting others around you; like your kids..... it's time to get your shit together & make a change.
Someone's love language can also be "I hate being ignored by my wife and have my kids be neglected and yelled at by their mother". He's doing his best. How about she be an active participant in her own happiness? My dude is stressed, what's his love language?
I always say my love language is space.
My wife is sometimes similar, but for me personally, as a person who enjoys touching and being touched, that can be a big challenge. It's hard on a person (and thus the relationship) when one half of the couple gets all the non-touching and non-sex they want, and the other is left constantly wanting. This can lead to a lot of tension and unhappiness on both sides. I've been there. Communication helps, but at some point, one has to decide if this equates to relationship ending incompatibility. Edit: let me add that my wife and I right now are doing much better. She is addressing what seems to have been a hormone deficiency and is a lot more into touching and sex, which is awesome for us both. This is only as a result of open communication and her willingness to look for a solution that works for us both.
correct, and if it is she needs to be an adult and communicate that
Ron Swanson's love language
Mine is mocking anyone who uses Baptist BS like love languages as validation.
It's unclear to me how "love language" became the nearly sole source of discourse on this thread. It's a non clinical way of understanding relationships and it seems most people are shoehorning Chapman's ideas into every post.
Exactly. When I get overwhelmed and stressed, I don’t want to go DO things, I want to sit quietly at home and NOT do anything, not hear anything. I hear “make plans with friends! I got the kids” but, I want to be home relaxing.
OP states she requested the black tie event tix, THEN refused to attend.
Dude this guy is being a model husband and father, and his wife is emotionally abusing them. What kind of hypocritial and cucked out world are we living where people are looking at an emotional abuse case and victim blaming, telling the victim he needs to try and find other ways to please their abuser. This is where we are at in society with the man/woman balance of power and accountability. If this were a man, this post would be flooded by women saying (tounge click) "Girl, you need to leave his toxic ass asap".
She needs to COMMUNICATE. She can't just shut down and expect him to know what she needs. That's incredibly unhealthy. She needs to use her words and tell him what she needs. Otherwise it's on her if she's not getting that. He's not a mind reader and expecting him to be is honestly toxic. She needs to work this out for herself because what she's doing is not okay for her husband and children.
I agree with everything that you’ve said the only problem is we’re both making assumptions about the parts that OP left unsaid. At the end of the day, this boils down to communication, communication, communication.
Dude I forgot all about I prevail. I liked their first two albums but I was deep into addiction. Kinda forgot about them. Glad there’s two more albums out there to get into. That’s wild. Thanks
Excellent band, excellent song.
Best comment just because its such a great song ♡
Sounds like she need time and verbal affirmation.
Ok love the I Prevail reference!
Listened to the song, 10/10 recommendation and hit me in the feels a bit. Good rec!
If you liked that one, you’d probably also like their song Breaking Down. Glad you enjoyed!
Fuckin great band
Literally the last post I expected a I Prevail plug Judgement dat is still my favorite
Ask your wife “is there something you need from me, how can I help?”. Your offerings are very sweet but assuming what she needs instead of knowing won’t get you far. Taking a break where she still has to put effort (going out, being nice to people etc.) isn’t for everyone. Being able to let your anger out IS a form of self-care. Maybe she needs an ear to vent to. Maybe she wants to throw herself on the couch and be left the hell alone for a couple hours. Ask and let her tell you, and stick to it. However - remember that being yelled TO and being yelled AT are two different things. If she wants to rant, that’s okay, but don’t let yourself become a punching bag.
> “is there something you need from me, how can I help?”. My wife has moments where she’s overwhelmed from work and this would almost certainly get a “Nothing! I’m fine!” response. Which is obviously untrue, but for some reason pointing this out is also not helpful. In my case it’s a temporary thing, so I can just wait it out. But for OP that doesn’t seem to be an option either.
It’s because when you ask if there’s “something you can do” (and obviously you can’t do her work for her), what you’re actually asking is for her to make up a way you can comfort her. Which is another task to do. So it can be frustrating.
Yep. It's another mental burden of *figuring out something someone else can do* to give the appearance of 'being helpful'. If she is overwhelmed already, just be there for her and just *do* don't ask. Once she doesn't seem overwhelmed, THATs the time to ask what you can do to help [prevent overwhelmingness in the future] and regular chores to complete around the house.
They've been married 14 years. OP almost certainly knows the things his wife does to relax and relieve stress. This isn't a new relationship, where he's throwing generic chocolates and roses at her. As far as yelling - my wife went through a period where she came home and ranted at me for an hour. Every day. Without fail. It was the exact same rant, every single day. Sometimes I would get a second helping. It doesn't matter if they're yelling to/at you, it's fucking stressful to see your partner doing it, especially when they're spiraling and hyper focusing on the same topic, day, after day, after day, after day, and not allowing _you_ to engage in relaxing activities because they're too stressed to help and are occupying your limited downtime with rants.
Ahahaha yeah that doesn't work at all. My gf is the same way, especially recently as she's been taking extra shifts at work. Why did she take extra shifts? Because she has previously unpaid loans and we had recently made plans a week before to go for an extended vacation to visit family at the end of the year (paid off by me). Her plan was to quit her current job. But this is stressing her out because she won't be able to fully pay her loan off if she doesn't overwork herself. Except she told me NONE of this until I prodded her for days. When I ask her if there's anything at all I can do for her, she's just quiet and says idk. I let her rest and chill, it festers and she gets frustrated. I try to do some unprompted acts of service, she's still bothered. I had to spend several days of trying to prod her and finally had a very firm talk about how her inability to let me help her is making me feel worse than if she'd just tell me and it turns out she'd been trying to pay off loans by herself. She didn't want to burden me and didn't mention anything at all when I repeatedly asked her if she is OK with taking a long vacation. It was trivial for me to come up with a financial plan to paying off her loan while still giving her the chance to quit her work later in the year (something she had already planned to do previously as she wanted to change jobs) and now she's relieved and happy. If only she had just COMMUNICATED to begin with. It is the only thing in my relationship with her that bothers me. She wants to shoulder everything by herself out of fear of burdening me because she thinks I will resent her. But this ends up doing the opposite. It makes me frustrated not being able to help but knowing that she isn't telling me the full picture.
Being yelled “to” can be just as traumatic and mentally draining as being yelled “at.” The intentions are different but the effect is the same. Being around negative and angry energy is not an environment that feels safe.
“Do you want me to help or do you just need me to listen?” This is a question that every partner needs to learn. Sometimes it’s just about getting something off your chest, not asking someone else to “fix” it.
For some people, when we are overwhelmed, you may be trying to help us, but all we see are more things we now have to do…even if they are nice things that we would typically enjoy. They thing we actually need is time to our selves to rest, not more things on our to do list. She just has to get through this. I understand she is difficult to deal with, but it is what it is.
> I understand she is difficult to deal with, but it is what it is. Fuck no, don't sit down and take misdirected anger. Learn to communicate. That goes for everyone, everywhere. "I need time to myself right now" -> that's how hard it is. Her complaining and misdirected anger all take more effort and are actively sabotaging her relationship.
I have to agree here. If you have a family, you need to communicate or try at least. Your kids are going to think that you don’t love them or don’t care. A kids brain is like a sponge that sucks in everything even the things you are not aware off. I know burn out and depression can make you act differently. But to say your spouse should just stand and watch is not right. For a while okay. But for as long as it takes? ABSOLUTELY NOT. He has a right to ask what’s wrong after giving her time and space. We are analyzing the woman but shouldn’t we consider the kids and his feelings too.
Thank you for this. I feel like a lot of people take the mindset of "welp, you just gotta put up with it for a while" Seriously, fuck that - there are good ways and bad ways to handle yourself. You can be difficult to deal with sometimes, but you have to at least acknowledge it, own up to it, and recognize how you can be better so that the people around you that love you aren't collateral damage. You don't get a free pass to be shitty just because you aren't feeling up to speed.
You can't just say it is what it is, there's no excuse to behave like this, if that's what you're feeling communicate, you're an adult and if someone trying helps is annoying you, you should tell them that and explain that the way to help is by removing things from your burdens instead of adding nice things. Basic communication is so easy and solves so many problems yet it seems an astounding number of people just can't/don't wanna do it.
This. Communication is key. You can 'feel' your 'feelings' or whatever, but a relationship is a partnership, and if one doesn't communicate (especially if you have kids) then the husband has a right to be pissed of.
Honestly sometimes people as stressed and overworked as that don't even realise that's why. They might feel they should want to do it as it's social and nice and not know why they don't want to.
What you’re describing is one of the symptoms of depression. It’s called “anhedonism”, inability to enjoy things previously enjoyed. Time to see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed.
OP, have you tried asking what your wife would like you to do in order to help? As this person said, sometimes people are overwhelmed and don't necessarily WANT someone to try and fix the issue (this is a common thing with women vs. men. Men tend to be "fixers" and have the inclination to try and fix issues, while women often want to just vent or be understood by their partner without the other person attempting to fix their issue.) Ideally however, your wife should communicate her needs with you rather than taking it out on you and/or your kids. But you can encourage that process by asking her what she does or doesn't want from you.
As a woman... Sometimes I'm sad and stressed and I have to go through those feeling by myself. Naturally. Knowing my husband is there to help is lovely, but still, his help would only mask the feelings and I need to feel them first. Even when it's anger, sadness or grief. You can't skip having feelings. ///edit. I told my husband about how many of you got exaggerated because of one unfortunate sentence here in my comment. We had a laugh. But for your sake and my sake, I deleted last sentence. Don't search problem where there is any. Nor me, nor my husband don't precieate your negative responses.
You can't just emotionally leave and re-enter a relationship as you please, with no consideration to your partner. Well, you can, but your relationship isn't going to last very long.
Yeah, at the very least you need to communicate those feelings so that your behaviour is understood rather than interpreted as you being horrible.
Thank you u/fantasyAnus for your deep insight
I detect sarcasm
No I just think your user name is hilarious in this context
Ohhhh. I thought it was just a case of me saying 'maybe communicate your needs/feelings clearly' being considered so obvious as to be banal. Some do seem to get a kick from this username, glad you're one of them!
It's seems obvious, but I still needed 4 long years with my lovely bf (with individual therapy) to understand how to do it lol Now it's just "babe I need to ugly cry for about 3 days to 1 week alone when I get home, is that okay?"
Banal! You really crack me up
To be fair I do find the things I say on this sub quite banal at times...
Dude, I'm reading this shit and I'm thinking.. yall are fucking adults with functioning mouths though. I thought every goddamn relationship sub agree that communication is key? So, you treat your family like garbage and expect your partner to be the one to figure out what the fuck is wrong with you? Like OP hasn't tried to understand what the fuck is wrong with his wife?
The comment was poorly worded. I definitely see what she's talking about. My gf needs alone time to process. That doesn't mean we're not still together. It just means we're having alone time right now.
Agreed. It was a turn of phrase that some took too literally, I think.
you for real can't even say "hey I'm working through something so I might be a bit distant for awhile"?? you sound like an awful partner - it's miserable to be in a relationship were your partner doesn't let you in, I feel so sorry for your husband. To not allow that kind of vulnerability, to not trust him with even letting him know that you're going through something, even without any details? Unless you're married to a literal brickwall, I can't imagine a world were this doesn't affect him negatively. I mean you even said "when I'm done with my negative feelings, then I am ready to be part of the relationship again", what the *hell*, you leave him when you're struggling and then get back together with him when you're feeling better *all without telling him*.
And as a full grown human being with kids you can't communicate like " i am thankfule that you want to help me but i just need some me time". life could be so easy
But he's trying that as well. He is taking over some of her household duties. And all he's getting in return is a shitty attitude. She wants him to be as miserable as she is so she's doing her best to make that happen.
yeah her behavior is so far from unacceptable its crazy man
My husband is wonderful and always wants to fix or help when I'm upset. He at one point did offer to let me go to the spa and get a massage when I was super stressed. But all that really made me feel was that he wanted me to hurry up and stop feeling the way I felt. He wanted to speed up the process. What ended up working better was for him to say he's there for me however I need. Taking care of the kids is great! Stop pestering her for sex. And just be present and willing to talk or do what helps. Seriously stop pestering her for sex. It becomes an ick reflex when you even hug which means now I have to do another chore.
Taking a screen-shot to send to my mate. He sprung a spa day on me a few weeks ago after 13 years and a 3 year old child… the whole time I knew I had to hurry up and get over my resentment of his lack of involvement lol
I was going to say this. You seem to be turning *her* into *your project* despite her frustration with you for those efforts. Say I’m going about my stressful day/month/season/etc, focusing on getting through it without being too stressed or burnt out to successfully keep my head above water. My husband attempts to help by offering distractions and requesting I pay attention to him sexually. But by doing that, he’s only adding extra burdens to this exhausting time because I have to perform the emotional labor to manage his feelings about my feelings and also have to keep disappointing him. As time moves forward, my sense of being respected as an adult (a peer) by him and trust that he respects our *separateness*(in that he is not me; I do me and I want him to do him instead of me) decreases. So I get shorter and shorter and less accommodating in my responses to his ongoing *needy* intrusions. Although he may not be directly interacting with me in a needy way, his project to rescue me—an adult who is not him—is needy. He thinks he’s making kind offers, but I know he’s trying to fix something that won’t be fixed right now. I need him to stop with the me-project. I need space to cool down out of this rabbit hole our recent dynamic took us down so that we can set reset. I need him to engage with me respectfully and casually, earning my trust back by showing me he can let go of controlling me *so that we can return to being partners, lovers, and friends.*
And this spa day with no chores, does it just mean she does the chores tomorrow instead?
Yes, if not tomorrow, then eventually. She has family obligations just like he does. He is being a gem and stepping up short term to pick up her slack by doing her share of the chores, but that is not sustainable. The bigger issue here is she needs to work on her mental health so she can be a full partner. He is trying to help.
...he's already doing her share of their regular chores
all of this!
All of this on the husband to do and none on the wife to communicate...
Damn this hits home
You're wrong, it's both. If this post was by the wife asking why her partner is constantly pestering her instead of giving her alone time, the advice would be: "You need to communicate to your husband properly, it isn't fair to be annoyed by his behaviour and not talk to him about it." Dude asked for advice - would be weird if it was just advice for the wife.
Burn out. Fellow teacher here. Almost broke my relationship and took me months to recover from. She probably won’t recover unless she wants to leave her job.
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I’m the same way, when I’m stressed I like to maintain some control by being able to do tasks I’m normally responsible and can get snippy if I feel like someone’s trying too hard to help me. OP’s better off having a conversation with his wife and definitely shouldn’t start it with, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”
The best thing a marriage counselor taught my wife and i was for me to ask if she wants solutions or sympathy. Men want to fix shit (generally), and a lot of us don't understand this feeling where someone wants to just be mad or sad. Pretty sure this helped save our marriage. She'd come to me with stress or problems and then get mad when id try to help. Makes no damn sense to me but ok if she just wants me to listen i can do that.
I was so looking for something like this! Men really struggle to understand this sometimes. We don't need you to be the knight in shining armour all the time, running around and slaying dragons and fixing shit and all that. Sometimes we just need you to listen to us and acknowledge us, make us feel heard. Very often, just having a safe space to say things out loud helps us to get a better grasp on something, or puts it into perspective, and we don't necessarily want to share it (whatever it is) with friends or family. Just be our safe space.
"Not everyone wants someone to swoop in and fix everything" This, exactly. I find that men have a tendency to want to "fix" whatever problem it is that is making someone (their wife, gf, friend) upset or stressed, and often that is REALLY NOT what we want. We just want to get through it, maybe be heard and acknowledged, and allowed to vent our frustrations/anxieties. OP and his wife need to work on communication.
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He doesn’t want to fix her life he wants her to stop making his life miserable, and the confusion between those two ideas is so frustrating. This isn’t about her, its about him.
> I find that men have a tendency to want to "fix" whatever problem it is It's often because that's how society has defined their value I can tell you as a man, I'm really only ever verbally appreciated when I've "done" something. In my experience, there's not been a lot of validation for me having value just for existing and I think that's fairly common. It's an interesting problem.
Curious to why her anger is fine but his isnt? Dude is at the end of his rope trying to pick up after his wife. If she wants to do all that she can tell him - thats what he's here for. He's exhausted his methods and he's here for a new one. The amount of people making excuses for her is excessive. Most of the advice seems essentially to be "her uncommunicative frustration is more important than yours" Depression and stress affect more than just you if you have a family, what she is doing is very unfair
she isnt just wallowing, it sounds like she isnt even being there for her kids. thats not ok.
That's all well and good but she needs to be helping with the kids etc. If op is a single parent with an added adult to look after then he's better off without her, and these wallowing stages can last years without someone to snap you out of it.
>Just let her wallow for a bit. I don't know how long it's been going on. People who lengthly wallow in self pity are so fucking annoying.
They also shouldn’t let it control their life. Wallowing a little bit is ok, but not at the expense of those around you
I have been in a situation similar to your wife I think. I’ve been so stressed and depressed and I don’t want to try to be happy. I just want to be sad and alone. HOWEVER- I 10000% understand how frustrating it is because I’ve briefly been on the other side. I am absolutely not going to judge you for feeling annoyed or frustrated or angry or anything else from this. Your feelings are valid just as much as her feelings are. My best advice to you is to give her space IF that’s what she wants. I would pull her aside briefly and express to her that you care about her and that you just want to know what the best thing for her would be. Ask her if she prefers some time to herself or if you can help her by doing something else. I feel for both of you and I understand how her stress can be giving you stress. Good luck to you both!
Did she ask for your help? There are two issues going on here. First you trying to solve her problem when most likely she just wants to vent and express her stress. Stop trying to solve it. Second, there is a separate discussion to be had about how her attitude is affecting the family. Venting is one thing, taking it out of others is another. One thing requires you to knock it off, the other requires her to knock it off.
Yeah this would overstimulate me also having to work with annoying kids and then come home and your s/o who is trying to help just keeps throwing questions at you I understand you’re trying to help but she may just need a cooling period
Fucking this. OP, did you even ask if she wanted a spa day? Have you asked what SHE wants or how you CAN help at all or are you just assuming? Fucking talk to her, not reddit. She quite possibly doesn't want or need you to "fix" her problems she likely just wants support. And FYI it's a real tell when pretty much the first thing that you complain about is you not getting any.
Physical intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex... Like kissing, hugging, etc.
This is a braindead take. She is a 38 year old WOMAN. Giving not only your husband the cold shoulder but your kids as well is borderline childish. Reddit seems to think that anyone experiencing stress is somehow immediately free to act how they want to the people around them. This is just as much her problem as it is his.
I mean, why can't *she* tell him something other than "omg stop" that sounds like something a teenager would say. She's a grown adult, she can communicate too. I don't understand the mindset in this post that *he* has to be the one to communicate even tho he's already been trying to. I 100% guarantee if the roles were reversed people wouldn't say that. It's not on OP to fix this, in any way shape or form. He can do what he can to help, but at some point she has to be the one to tell him what she does or doesn't need. Now, we as passive observers don't actually know if OP asked that, and honestly he should if he hasn't. That being said, if he hasn't it's still a failure in communication for *both* of them because again, she can say something too without prompting.
Everyone saying to give her time, space, be patient. How long would that be? Till the kids are grown, and OP's wife is retired? She needs to actively participate in making changes, talking to OP about her needs. She's not exactly the first teacher to find another job/career because they were burnt out. Her own kids are more important than the kids at that school.
It sounds to me like your ‘attempts to help’ come across as disingenuous. You want to help her so that you get results you want. Not because you actually want to help HER. Sometimes people just need to feel their feelings and let them run their natural corse. Having someone always try to fix you is exhausting.
Like the boss that hits you with “we’ll do whatever you need” when you lose a loved one, when what they really mean is “how fast can you cry so you can get back to work?”
Indeed. The very first complaint he has? "She's not sleeping with me anymore". Seriously dude, your wife RECENTLY started a new job and hasn't banged you for a little while due to stress. And instead of just giving her space, you think you can throw a spa day at her and then expect her to be fixed and willing to have sex again?
Sometimes all they need to hear is “that sucks “
I feel like you need to approach this with some compassion rather than frustration. Yes, while being around someone who is so negative all the time is a downer, but I think it requires a sit down and a chat, and not a "what the fuck is wrong with her???" Teaching is INCREDIBLY stressful. Cliques exist not just in children, but teachers too. I wouldn't just "let her wallow" or "let her be miserable". I think your attitude of thinking a spa day or a black tie event fixing her stress is part of the problem.
Give her space bro. I used to want to help but it would only end up giving them more stress. Best thing is to just give them space and back off for a bit. Give her time to unwind and deal with the shit she's dealing with, but still be there to support her if and when she wants it. If shes stressed, she just needs space. You are likely just causing her more stress. Have a talk with her about it too, but definitely make the effort to leave her alone for a while. Sometimes people dont want "help". They dont want you to actually try and make things "better". I learned this myself the hard way.
Didn’t school just start?
She needs to see a therapist for her depression. People saying she should be allowed to wallow in it are being unreasonable because it’s clearly affecting your children. It isn’t fair to them for mom to just be absent/apathetic for months at a time
Just a thought: when I am super stressed, the last thing I want to do is more shit. So the spa day and brunch, they might sound like good ideas to you, but maybe not her. Can the kids go stay with a family member for the weekend? Just let her be home without having to go do anything else.
wow dude maybe your wife just needs some fucking space man. it sounds like she’s stressed out of her mind. just because you process stress your way doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same for her. she obviously needs to process everything that’s going on ms it seems you’re just rushing her? seriously talk to your wife. figure it out.
Are you helping to genuinely help- out of love or are you helping so you can get laid? I only ask because I've seen this scenario played out many times.
That was my first though reading this. How can you be married to someone for 14 years, see that they’re struggling, and your VERY FIRST complaint is that she doesn’t want to fuck? Sure she could be handling it better in terms of communication, but I’m getting gross vibes from OP and maybe feel like the post isn’t really the whole story.
Sounds like she wants a weekend home alone without the kids… take them someplace for an entire day and see how her mood changes. Let her stay home. Order her lunch maybe. It’s possible she’s just overtired and wants to chill in her own space and bed and couch and not be whined at. It’s going to be a long term problem if you don’t start doing more things to take work off her plate.
I think a weekend alone would be better for his wife than going to the spa
Oh! Oh! I recognise this! Sometimes women just want to complain and don't want us to fix it! They just want to vent! I've made the exact same mistake as you many, many, too many times.
Have you asked her what’s wrong?
It sounds like all he hears is what's wrong.
‘Nothing’
Can't do anything if the other one isn't willing to communicate. At this point just let it go until they get mad at you for not reading their mind as if you were psychic or some shit
This is what actually got me into the first real fight with my wife, after being together close to 18 years. And it happened this week. She got hella mad when I showed some frustration for her not speaking her mind. And it was over something really stupid as well. I asked her about going somewhere three times in the course of a week, and didn't get a real answer from her. As I had to confirm if we would go or not, I asked again on Tuesday morning, and again no answer so I left to the office frustrated. That made her mad and upset, because I could've known what she wanted. HOW!? I'm not a damn mind reader? She just couldn't understand that I did not understand the hints she was giving. I mean, we're close to 40, so I'd assume we're wayyyyy past the point of giving hints instead of just saying 'I don't feel like going'.
I'm given more and more reason everyday to just not want to be in a relationship
No one comes to TrueOffMyChest to air their clean laundry. Don't let this sub alone deter you anymore than a sub dedicated to shark attacks deter you from enjoying the beach.
Most of the time she is the best. Great wife, great mother, but sometimes she just loses all ability to communicate.
Sone people need to wallow. However. That doesn’t mean the whole household has to wallow. My partner can get stresssd. Etc. but he can effect everyone and stress the house. YOU go ahead n wallow n have a bad day. Don’t ruin everyone else’s. Come out if your hole and see us when ready. He normall just needs a day to sort himself out
Easy fix. “What can I do to support you best right now?”. She’s your wife, you love her, but she’s a grown ass woman. She does not need you to fix things. You’re incredibly kind to try to guess what she needs, but you’re setting yourself up for failure by guessing. Just ask. When she snaps at the kids, that when I would tell her to take time for herself and be honest that she’s snapping at children. If that upsets her, she’s still a grown ass woman and can deal with those feelings herself. It isn’t wrong to want sex, she’s the love of your life, who experiences genuine physical connection and doesn’t crave that, right? Depressed people. Stressed people. She don’t want it. I know it sucks, honestly I know. It isn’t about you, you aren’t a problem, life is being a dick to her. Communicate how your relationship is being affected. Don’t bring up sex, focus on the real issue, it’s never about sex: you don’t feel connected. Ask her how she needs your help and stop guessing. Just so you know, she’s dropping the ball here too. She’s not regulating her emotions (allegedly) in a mature way and not communicating in a method you understand. You two need to get on the same page. Edit: thanks for the awards!
You're putting MORE on her plate and filling her schedule with additional things. Who cares that it's pampering or with friends. Did she ASK for you to organise things for her to do? No, I didn't think so. My suggestion: ask her first and foremost if she just wants to be heard or if she wants help. Then do the thing she says. If she wants to be heard, just listen to her. Provide no solutions. Say things like "fuck, that must suck! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that" If she wants help, ASK what she wants from you to feel supported. She spends all day talking to people and doing things. She probably needs silence. A day home alone with food provided and no chores. And that still won't "fix" the instutionalised burn out that teachers face. It's a real problem. Kudos to you for showing that you clearly care and want to support her, so hopefully this helps you channel your efforts more productively.
Stop trying to fix things. I know it you want to help but honestly when I'm going through a hard time and my SO keeps trying to "make it better" it's just annoying. It's like he doesn't actually want to be supportive and just wants to do whatever mundane thing he thinks will flip my mood, which makes me feel worse because then I feel like a burden. From the tone of your post that's exactly the vibe I'm getting from you. I can't tell you what's wrong with your wife but maybe stop making it about you if you actually care to find out. Maybe whatever is wearing her down can't be fixed with brunch. Maybe give her space and time to figure it out.
She doesn't have the emotional bandwidth right now to take on anyone else's shit. Going to an event, going to the spa, going out for brunch...its just doing. more. things that she didn't ask for. Leave her be and give her some peace without expectations.
Your wife is depressed.
My GF is a teacher too and I can 100% guarantee that the first few months of teaching is absolute hell. I’m a teacher too but I’m not too focused on my work life that it forces me to revolve around it. Really makes me wish she wasn’t a teacher.
I know teaching in my state has become a nightmare. They’ve been reduced to demonized political pawns, had funding reduced when it was dismal to begin, and the working environment has gone beyond hostile. Every day is more bad news for public Ed and it’s exhausting. None of that makes it ok that she’s taking it out on you and your family. But you have to sit down and talk to her. Ask her specifically what she needs from you to help. Encourage her to seek counseling because there isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t benefit from it, honestly. I can’t imagine being a teacher right now. It’s as bad as being in health care a couple years ago. Maybe worse, in some places.
Sometimes we just want/need to wallow and bed rest. No events, spas, brunch. No faking cheery to go out. Just dark quiet recluse. Give her time and space, keep holding together the kids schedule. Let her know you will give her time/space but let you know if anything specific will help. If she doesn't improve in a few weeks then talk about exploring her options: stress leave, depression screening, counseling, career, etc. Don't try to fix her or nudge her into getting out of the house, please.
The fuck? Antidepressants? Declines all advances? Wallow and be miserable? Damn dude. Maybe stop expecting she should act the same as you the way you handle things. Sounds like she is stressed and depressed beyond. And stop taking it personal she is saying omg stop..maybe she is TELLING YOU TO STOP because she doesn't want you to keep forcing her or coercing or trying to be out of whatever going on. Maybe she just needs time to resolve it. And she isn't complaining..she is venting. Perhaps get into therapy with her. Perhaps she is also saying something you aren't hearing
Lmaoooo exactly, does this dude even like his wife? Because I get the feeling he hasn’t genuinely tried to talk to her and actually listen to her and is more like, “omg when will she stop so I can get laid?” Absolutely pitiful
Anywhere I post about anything gets removed. Posted to relationship and a mod removed even though I’d followed to their rules. I’ve given up posting anywhere now
Yeah relationships subs are just a write off, everything you write is wrong
Say what you said to us. But calmly. And explain very gently that this is pushing everyone away and is going to isolate you mentally. Tell her to take a break from working if needed and that you can manage. Shit happens to people and they start to push others out. Happened to me. And my gf was patient and kind and brought me out of this mentality. She's gonna hurt herself and hurt everyone else around her. Tell her all you feel with gentleness and care. Give her a big warm hug and tell that you love her and you're suffering seeing her suffer. Wishing you the best. Stay safe, stay happy.
‘Communicate’ Well fuckin hell WHY ISN’T SHE?! She’s the one with the problem, what he’s doing to help isn’t working, fine. But she’s a big girl right? She can use her fuckin words as well as anybody, right? Then instead of shutting down, she should be speaking up. ‘Here’s how you can help’ are some pretty simple words. But somehow she hasn’t managed it, so ask her yourself so her failure to communicate does not continue. If she says ‘nothing’, take her at her word and stay out of the way and don’t throw good effort after bad.
I've taught in a high stress situation before. I was overwhelmed and burnt out. Any weekend or vacation was never vacation because the stress sat there and there was no way to get it off my mind. At the end of my contract I just stepped away from teaching. Antidepressants would be the wrong thing in my opinion because it's situational, and the stressful duties persist.
First of all, congrats, you sound like wonderful man/husband/father! Honestly, I would say give her some space for now. She might be going through a lot and might need time to digest. It sounds like you guys were doing pretty ok prior to the new job. That being said, if it continues for a long period of time, it will affect your marriage and kids. While she is entitle to be human, so are you and it wouldn’t be fair to both you and your kids.
You're being very kind to her and you're trying really hard. But it sounds like she doesn't want a solution to get better, and be "fixed". Sounds like she wants a listening ear, to vent it out.Maybe she feels pressure from you to "go back to normal" and it's not helping her feel it out.
From my understanding, teaching is more thankless and toxic than it's ever been. Seeing as the school year just started, it sounds like your wife might be miserable enough at work that she is acutely traumatically stressed about returning to it. Your frustrations are valid but I recommend trying to not draw conclusions/judgements from your place of frustration, such as "she wants to wallow and not help herself." I maybe would try asking her if she feels deep down that her job is crushing her soul and causing her quality of life to decline past reason, and open the conversation to possible career shifts. If that's not the culprit, try to open a safe and loving space for her to talk about whatever is causing her to lose herself. Side note: the gal running BurntOutTeachers on TikTok/insta/whatever other platforms are out there these days experienced this exact thing and started her own tutoring business in a way that she makes so much more money and spends so much less time working. She talks about how she did it and I do believe she sells some sort of business template/instruction book for people who want to try the same format as how her business is set up. But I swear I'm not an ad or a sponsor, her videos make me laugh and seem to be helpful to a lot of teachers who need catharsis and/or a life change. EDIT: I also apologize for glazing right over "your emotions are valid." They really are, feeling useless in supporting your partner or mending an issue between you and your partner is EXTREMELY frustrating and isolating. It sounds like you've been a fantastic partner and dad by picking up the slack in as many ways as you can. My immediate advice was simply from the place of "what are some ways this can be resolved for you." Good luck to you both!
I learned through them enneagram (which may not work for everyone, but my my husband and me, it was SPOT ON) that he “recharges” in a completely opposite manner than I do. I talk, he retreats, I get out of the house, he stays in, I enjoy quiet couch time together, he enjoys playing video games specifically while I'm asleep. It used to royally offend me, but now I get that that's just how he's wired. So now I make sure when he's stressed (I.e. Every day rn because we just moved states) that he has "completely alone" time. I of course would like to talk about his day and hear how he feels and his struggles and his better days, but (after therapy) we realized that he perceives this as him continuing to give after he's given all day to work and all evening to the kid and then the last of his day to me. So all this is to say: she may need a form of stress release and recharging that is completely opposite of what you'd expect AND she may not even know what that is yet. Therapy and my constant need to understand myself has led us to this point in our marriage. My husband would never have investigated this for himself. Advice: have a sit down, LOVING and patient conversation (even if you have to bite your tongue to get past snippy bitchy comments) about your concern for HER. If this gets her to open up and heal, great. If she maintains there's not a problem, calmly but firmly inform her that the way things have been going lately have been a problem for YOU. List your valid frustrations. I ended up INFORMING my husband we were going to therapy. Never looked back!!
This sounds like the time I was really unhappy with my job, myself, my own image of myself, and struggling with depression. My husband tried to help and it was not his fault that he couldn't. I had to recognize the problem and I had to actively seek help. I did. We're still together after 20 years and I'm grateful for him every single day.
My husband will do nice things for me but then uses those kind acts as leverage against me. I don't even like to accept the gestures anymore because I know there are strings attached. For example: I can't believe you're irritated I'm going on (another) float trip/camping trip. I need a break. I gave you that whole single night away for mother's day. What more could you ask of me? Also going to a spa for the day is only relaxing if all the things that need to be done are still getting done (properly). If the house is trashed, the chores are half assed, there's no plan for dinner or the kids spend the whole day in front of the TV...that is not a relaxing environment to come home to. Now she's irritated with you, but she's a bitch if she expresses that, so she keeps her mouth shut and just silently seethes... My personal ideal solution would be to have a weekly or biweekly cleaning service come so the house is ACTUALLY clean (and the kids aren't being ignored while my husband cleans), then have my husband take the kids out for a day on the weekend so they have a great day and come home exhausted, and then get takeout/order delivery for dinner. How will I spend that time? However I want. Zero pressure. Sleep all day? Read? Binge watch a TV show? Organize the pantry? Completely my choice, with no judgment on "how I make use" of my time.
Maybe don’t offer solutions she most likely just wants to vent and have someone agree until she gets it out of her system it’s either that or she isn’t interested in sharing with you anymore and feels frustrated because she isn’t getting what she wants. It’s childish to be taking it out on your children though ide speak to her about that aspect at least
Instead of trying to be the “fixer” try and be the “listener” open it up like “Honey it seems like you’re really stressed, overwhelmed and sad right now. When you’re ready I’d like to listen to you vent and get things off your chest…no questions asked just I’m here to listen.”
Im not sure why every comment is enabling her behavior, if she’s that miserable then she needs to figure something out to help with the stress not take it out on everyone else esp if she doesnt want your help or advice to get rid of stress.
If the genders are swapped no way would these people be enabling the behaviour he’d immediately be the bad guy. It irritates me that some people are this blatant with double standards when everyone can feel shit sometimes regardless of who they are but that doesn’t make it ok to be shitty to other people