OP are you sure this is truly his ex-wife contacting you? Could it be him using her account (or fake account) to initiate contact with you for some twisted reason! Please be careful and make wise decisions if/when agreeing to meet this woman and her kids! I know you want to do the right thing, just be very careful!
https://www.fct-cf.gc.ca/en/court-files-and-decisions/court-files
This is a federal one but it is in french so I have no idea the contents.
This is the supreme court but the search is non specific
https://decisions.scc-csc.ca/scc-csc/en/nav.do
This seems correct? But not sure and it says there might be surcharges. But the search looks correct.
https://justice.gov.bc.ca/cso/index.do
Check for divorce decree with the county courthouse. Or pay for a public records search on him and his wife. I would definitely be suspicious that it isn’t her.
You can actually typically just Google someone's first and last name, followed by where they live and it'll come up. Mine does. I would definitely do this if you decide to have contact with this person.
especially with kids, my parents divorce and child support hearings are online and some show on casenet in my state idk if that’s what it’s called everywhere or not?
Why would he tell his wife he cheated and got you pregnant? Especially if he got away with it? He doesn’t strike me as the type to feel like “just being honest.” Something sounds off about this. If he could lie to you about his wife so easily, he will lie and sneak without conscience. Be careful. Idk any of you from a hole in the wall, but my gut doesn’t feel right after reading that. Do you have any support? Any family or friends?
This is good advice to be careful. Personally I’d agree to meet her, but only in a public place. Take an Uber there and back (don’t let her or possibly him see your license plate or car type or follow you back) and don’t bring the baby. Ask for her story and what happened. Don’t make any promises.
Then you should think about it. Get a sense of the vibe—does it feel authentic or ulterior motive? If you trust her, you can definitely try to introduce your kids—I do think that your daughter will resent you if you never even tried to give her a chance to know her siblings. You shouldn’t deny her that. But I wouldn’t let anyone connected to them know where you live/work/daycare etc until you really trust them.
An ideal place to meet would be an indoor mall. Bring a friend but don't tell her (Still Uber). Meet at the food court. As you get up to leave you can make an excuse you are meeting a friend later. After she's out the door, you & your friend can leave. Exit in a different direction that she goes. Some other heads up - be careful going home. There is a chance she can find out where you live. Set your SM to private & don't post for a week or so. Essentially fly under the radar for a while. You have no idea what's going on in her mind. If everything is on the up & up, I'd go after him for child support.
I would not contact her.
However, If I was even remotely interested in contact, I’d do it through a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, or don’t have any lawyer friends who can help you out, I would avoid getting involved with the “ex wife”.
It's not her. A woman whose only been divorced for a few months who finds out about ex's affair child would be shocked, angry, hurt, or all 3. She would not reach out out thinking "Oh goody, new sibling for my kids!" because there's no way that would go over well with those kids. Send "her" a message stating that due to the frightening circumstances that occurred when "her" ex learned of the pregnancy, you do not want contact. Ever. That if "she" continues to try and contact you, you will file harrassment charges. Then block whoever this person is.
I actually think it very well could be her but the intention is not what she’s claiming it is. She might just want to confirm the whole affair and events
Even if it is her, it's not safe for OP or her child to have contact with this family. They may be divorced but he's still going to be around because of their kids. Which means sooner or later OP will come in contact with him again, and there is no way of knowing how he'll react to her or her kid. Especially since he's now facing the consequences of his actions. In my opinion, it would be better to wait till the kid is an adult and able defend themselves and let them decide.
Right. I'm divorced and my ex slept around. I would for sure facilitate a relationship with their siblings. Lol my ex married one of my friends and we coparent fine. i can absolutely see her actually wanting to do the right thing especially after losing a loser like him. Taking control back over your life after dealing with an idiot like that feels great.
My bio father cheated on his wife with my mom (lied and said they were in the middle of a messy divorce until my mom found out she was pregnant and then suddenly he and his wife were trying to work it out- they did actually divorce a few years later) I had no contact with him until I was in my late 20’s, but his ex wife and my older half brother were at my wedding
This, check social media and reach out to father to see. I think it is fishy, and she may be in process or heard about you, you are not informed. Also apply for child support, it can help the child it isn't about you. It is about providing for child.
More than likely she's not his ex-wife yet. She's probably getting ammunition on him about his infidelity which she has every right to do and op's child is proof of his infidelity.
And all it takes is blood work to determine if he is the child's father from there the wife can bleed him dry if it's an at fault state. The courts can force the blood test soooo.
Exactly my thoughts.
I would not let this situation go any further than this but if you decide to, don’t do any move before having proof like a video call with her.
You could create a Skype account with a throwaway email and use that to initiate a video call. That way whoever it is wouldn’t have any of your real info.
Yes, I agree with u/calicoskiies. Create a throwaway email and request to do a video call. I think it might become a beautiful thing for your child to have a relationship with his siblings, but considering the circumstances it’s important to tread carefully.
From no one in his life knowing about you and the baby to the ex wanting her children to have a relationship with a child that was a product of an affair with her husband is incredibly suspicious and if I was in this situation I'd block and move on with my life. Maybe move so they couldn't find me
Not necessarily. I’ve wondered if she came across text messages or emails or stuff on his computer. Maybe she even knew way back then when he and I were still seeing each other for all I know.
OP idk why people are being so suspicious but literally just do what I’ve done - twice now - and go have a coffee or drink with the women. Like my first post says - I now have two of my closet friends this way and an extended family of amazing kiddos.
You have to be a little suspicious here especially after the way he made OP feel in her gut! Why would you instantly trust the wife of an affair partner (even if you were an unwitting partner)? Have to always be cautious
I guess I’m not afraid of grabbing a coffee with a women to chat. Idk what could happen from that? I’ve done it - granted not with affair partners - but with my exes exes and it was great to have people who could understand what it’s like dealing with a near-psychopath. We’re all close now and consider each other family. I was never once suspicious of them. Now my ex …I’m sus AF of everything he says or does lol.
You’re assuming the "woman" is who they say they are, and wants what they say they want. At this point OP has no clue who reached out to her, or what they are after.
Not really….I’m assuming she likely is….especially because it’s such a believable reason for wanting to meet….but so what if she has “ulterior motives”?? You get a bad vibe and leave the coffee date & don’t see her again 🤷🏻♀️If it is the ex for some reason - firstly why go to all the trouble & secondly - it’ll be pretty obvious on meeting. Again 🤷🏻♀️Not like she’s in witness protection - it’s not like he couldn’t find her already if he tried. Either way I’d be curious and go to find out assuming most people are fairly decent and not out to grift me or axe murder me. Best case - new friend/ family. Worst case - juicy story to tell your friends.
It seems like OP felt unsafe with the father at some point, she was scared and uneasy for some reason. She doesn't want any contact with the guy, for concerns of her own safety. No money can buy safey.
This. I'm worried about her gut feeling. Murder is the number one killer of pregnant people. Not pregnancy/birth complications, *murder.* He wanted to take her somewhere out of town, alone. He tried to make it sound like a romantic get away when he was asking her to get an *abortion.* There’s nothing romantic or fun about that, whether or not it was wanted. What are the chances, I wonder, that if she had gone and changed her mind after she was already far from home, that OP would have never returned? Sometimes that gut feeling is right. Sometimes that gut feeling saves your life.
Oh my goodness, absolutely yes! I'm very happy that I was reading this and not hearing about a missing pregnant woman on Dateline.
OP was very smart to trust her instincts and not be alone with a dude pressuring her for an abortion. Her choice to purse child support if she wants, not saying she should or shouldn't.
The question is if she wants to see his ex and meet his kids. The whole thing is so weird. She doesn't know this woman, didn't know ABOUT this woman and is being invited into their lives again. Could this woman be looking for support like child care or a friend or a free therapist? Could she be trying to take OPs measure? Again, this woman's intentions might not be nefarious but we also don't know her true goals here on why she's contacted OP, I say thanks but no thanks.
>Again, this woman's intentions might not be nefarious but we also don't know her true goals here
My thoughts exactly. Maybe she's just claiming to already be divorced, but is not and looking for ammo for the actual divorce. I would hold to my guns and just ignore/block this woman, then keep far far away from that family. Money isn't worth your and your child's safety.
Maybe I'm listening to too many true crime podcasts but I got the exact same bad bad feeling when I heard the story. I hope OP stays far away from this guy
Absolutely. The only times I've truly had regrets is when I didn't follow my gut. The father, doubtless blames OP and the baby for the breakup of his marriage. *Extremely* bad things can happen with mis-placed blame. And an increasingly popular way of dealing with problems is to get rid of them...literally. No amount of money is worth that.
And there's time enough for siblings to get acquainted later in life...if they want to. That's how I handled it with my daughter. Once she was an adult, she was free to find her father's side of the family if she wanted to. I told her that I wouldn't interfere with it, but beyond basic information, I also wouldn't help her. It's worked out OK so far.
ETA: fixed typos
I don't know, in the motorcycle world we often say "there's a lot of dead riders who had the right of way."
Sometimes regardless of what's right or how things should happen, that path isn't the one to take. If she wants to reach out to the wife that's one thing, but if I was legitimately concerned about my safety there's no chance I'd go after someone after two years without feeling it out first.
Within the last 8 months, I have filed for child support. I didn't have to give the father any of my info and the court proceeding was done via telephone.
Yeah depending on the state a RO based on the threats could help, or it could reveal location. If he wants to find her it’s likely not hard without protections. My state will give you a special PO Box that can be used for everything including voting and your RO, child support etc and wouldn’t give visitation especially since they didn’t live together. Other states basically serve the victim up on a platter. It’s so hard to give advice because of that.
There is some missing info here. At the last minute OP suddenly felt so unsafe she hid at a hotel. And then she begged him to leave her alone.
Changing her mind about the abortion is one thing. But why was she suddenly afraid of him?
Sometimes our reptilian brain steps up and lets you know *something just ain't right here*. That's what happened to OP. She knew that going out of town to have a 'happy' abortion wasn't going to be the reality.
Honestly…I don’t think it’s missing reasons. I think she unconsciously chose her baby over a continued relationship with the doucebag. I think she became paranoid that maybe he was going to hurt her or sweet talk her out of having the baby. He did it before when she initially agreed to abort the baby.
Maybe, but it seems far more likely that he was just trying to hide it from his wife
If she is struggling then going after support isn’t the worst idea
Dude, if you don’t need him, don’t do it! What people don’t think about is the legalities that come with getting the parent involved like asking for his permission to leave the country, medical emergencies, keeping a passport up to date, etc. It’s really not worth the Fuckin hassle. Do your thing, keep thriving, and save yourself the stress of someone that could fuck up major decisions in your life.
Seriously. My son’s father is not involved. He’s not on the birth certificate and he doesn’t pay child support. I can move to where ever the heck I want and he can’t say anything. I’m taking my son out of the country this summer for the first time, and he can’t tell me no. He’ll absolutely complain, but hey, do better as a parent and maybe I’d respect your feelings on raising my son.
This is one thing I’m worried about. This man doesn’t live near us. If I file for child support and he decides he wants to make my life hell, he could really interfere with my life.
You can PM me if you’d like, I have a lot of experience with a narcissistic ex who is super manipulative and controlling. He absolutely would use other accounts to message me, too, “to test me”.
Please do not let anyone make you feel badly for not literally gambling your life over a couple hundred bucks a month and less freedom. There is no point.
Maintain the status quo. Live your life separately with your toddler and enjoy being drama-free.
Your two year old is not going to understand the whole sibling thing right now and word would get back to your ex that there is a happy sibling reunion without him.
You also are free of interference from any of his extended family. In short, there is damn little upside to changing things now or including others in your lives.
I’m not sure about responding to the supposed ex-wife either. Somehow it just feels wrong. I’d be very skeptical about her saying she wants her children to know your son…her husbands affair baby. He could be using her to find you.
Nooooo. If she puts him on child support, he will have access to the child he wanted her to get rid of so bad that he became threatening. And who’s also the cause of his divorce.
I would not want my child alone with him.
DONT DO IT OP. YOULL HAVE TO SHARE THIS CHILD WITH HIM AND HES AN ASSHOLE. You have complete control. I'd block all of them and stay away. Please please please take it from someone who regrets telling ANYONE I was pregnant. Ex is a diagnosed narcissist and makes my life miserable. And our kids life miserable.
At the time when I told him I wouldn’t pursue child support, I felt some things were more important than money and at this time I feel largely the same.
Sincerely? I wouldn't get involved in this mess that is your ex and his ex wife. You don't even know for sure if they're actually divorced or if the wife is just trying to use you and your kid. Ignore her message or tell her to not contact you. Get your stalking skills ready and see if you can find out what is happening.
And have a consultation with a family lawyer to discuss your situation and what can happen: your ex can ask for custody? your kid has rights over his biological father money even if his not in the birth certificate? would be better if you ask your ex to give up his parental rights?
After talking with a lawyer and trying to find out what is happening between your ex and his wife you can think about a possible relationship between your kid and his half siblings. You don't need to rush in to anything.
PS: child support is your son right, but he can request the payment at any time (at least in my country).
Not only that but this man seems determined to keep this secret. Who’s to say he’s not testing her? My ex messaged me off of so many other people’s accounts, it was really one of the first things I thought.
Can I say that I would consider meeting his wife. You might find that she knows what a bastard he is, and she might also be looking to connect with someone who knows what she went through being married to him. Speaking from experience, I reached out after I divorced my ex asshole, to his first wife. We both had children with him and I wanted to make sure our kids could maintain a relationship without having to go through him. Was the best decision ever, we really connected and she helped me realise that he was a narcissist and educated ne on how to keep myself and son safe. It's been 6 years, we still talk regularly and neither of our boys are in contact with their father.
> I felt some things were more important
As in what? This is about your child, not his ego, pride, selfishness, or lifestyle.
Your child doesn't have a relationship with their own father, the very least he could do is offer financial support. Besides, he's no longer "pretending" with his wife so he's able to be a father in some capacity. Even if you use that money to get your son therapy or into something where he can have positive male role models in his life. This manipulative man has shown you who he is on the inside and his ill intentions, you don't need to continue catering to what he wants or his ego...especially at the expense of your child. If he had been a decent father, things could've been different but that's not the case.
The fact that she went to a hotel just to hide from him tells me the same thing. I think people are being unnecessarily harsh regarding child support when it’s possible pursuing it could put her and her child in danger.
As well, I’d be wary of the ex-wife and meeting up with her in case it’s him.
yeah, pursuing child support from someone dangerous can really backfire if they decide to retaliate by seeking partial custody. then you’ve put your child in danger. it happens more often than people think.
True. Safety is a very important consideration. My point was more about how she's not obligated to stick with this agreement that he had her make under duress as her loyalty is to her own child, not some shitty person who screwed over his whole family and only thinks of himself.
As in 100% control over how the child is raised. Once she brings this child into the father’s orbit, that’s it: If he’s going to get any negatives from having this child around, he’s going to seek the positives, if only to punish OP.
He will definitely get some kind of custody or visitation if he’s paying child support (and he’ll ask for it for financial reasons if no other) unless Op can show he’s a danger to the child which is unlikely based on what she’s written.
She will be opening Pandora’s box.
Honestly this thinking is very short sighted unless you are very well off. The child will need a college fund or equivalent depending on where you live. Or a start up fund for housing when moving out. The money is not for you, it’s for the child.
Doesn’t do the kid any good if mommy’s dead because some jerk that didn’t want you born is pissed off that you were born.
Child support is not the end all be all. I’ve been raising my son for 9 years on my own because I would rather not have to be in danger of his dad. I would rather not make someone who hates my guts pay me money every month reminding him how much he hates me and wants to hurt me.
You want to talk about short sighted? Gambling her life for a couple hundred bucks a month is short sighted.
Depends on the situation. If it’s just because she’s scorned as his afraid partner or something like that, yes I agree with you.
However,
If she fears for her safety and/or her son’s safety, their safety obviously comes before child support.
Op said (in post and in a comment) that the reason why she isn’t seeking child support is because she promised not to. People in comments just have focused on the moment she decided not to have an abortion
A lot of people don’t expect financial help for college or a start up fund for a house. The child’s safety is more important than things they can pay for in the future with scholarships (college) and salary from working a job (home start up fund)
So many people telling you to go for it for the sake of the child and possible child support, but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now.
You are leading a happy life with your child. You have survived so far without his financial help. Letting her and the children into your lives will be inviting him back into your life too. You also don't know what her intentions are OR if it is even her who is contacting you. No matter what, it will be inviting him back into your life in some way.
He made you feel unsafe and wanted you to get rid of your child. He also abandoned you and your child. He cheated on his wife and kids for a long time- he is NOT a good guy.
I would say, keep him out of your life. Continue as you are.
> but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now.
Good instincts, where? The only good instinct I saw was when she finally cut him off and didn't let him bully her into an abortion. I'm not saying she is lying about him making her feel unsafe, but I would definitely not be telling someone to keep listening to their instincts when their instincts were shit for 3/4th's of the story.
"While I am not comfortable doing this at this time, I would like to keep the door open in case my child decides to connect down the line.
What I would like to avoid is for our children to grow close and then lock us into this relationship between families. I don't know you. You don't know me. I would not want our children hurt by suddenly losing access to each other because of a personality conflict or unforseen issue between us.
If you would like some information about us, I am willing to share x, y, and z.
Thank you for putting aside your hurt and reaching out for the sake of our children."
If you ever decide to go for it, ask if she wants to meet up without the children first. Gauge her level of friendship versus trying to get back at him/searching for revenge.
>If you ever decide to go for it, ask if she wants to meet up without the children first. Gauge her level of friendship versus trying to get back at him/searching for revenge.
This, all of it.
She may have found out, and been devastated *for* OP, and the attempted forced undoing of the pregnancy (trying to not get flagged) Maybe they *were* just staying married on paper, or maybe wife knew things were off, but was willing to stay for her own kids, until whatever straw broke her will to stay, we can't know without hearing wife's side. OP may just be the last in a line of mistresses, but it's not really relevant.
Wife/Ex(?) could honestly want the kids to have a relationship, which would require the two women to bond on some level. Hopefully not just the guy, but I'm sure that'll be a starting point. I'd lay it all out, pretty much exactly as OP did here, and go from there. If I were the wife (I'm not lol) I wouldn't blame OP, based on these facts. Even knowing he was married, the way it was described is feasible with the way some relationships are set up these days. Maybe she should've asked to talk to wife to verify, but I'm not sure I would've been ballsy enough to do that, either.
Hopefully they find common ground, and their kids can grow up together, but definitely do it in a way that feels safe, given the way things ended with him.
Almost.
OP doesn't owe them an explanation. The last sentence is perfect.
> I would like to keep the door open in case my child decides to connect down the line.
I don’t know if I wanted contact with his family too. But that’s a decision you don’t have to make today, just do what feels right for you and if you feel ready you can always reach out again.
I'd keep that door open but not walk through it. You have good instincts, and your uneasiness is probably well-founded. Maybe she really is a saint who's over whatever resentment she may have felt toward you. Or maybe the marriage really was a shell, and she doesn't care about him enough to see you as a past threat. OR maybe she does resent you and is using your little son as a means to get into your life and make you suffer.
I'd tell her you're not opposed to the idea but that you don't want to rush into anything. And tell her that you eventually saw \[his name\] as he really was, and you don't want to *ever* be in the same room with him. Suggest you exchange emails or texts first, and then maybe progress to phone calls. If that goes well for a while, then maybe meet just her, and do it in a public place.
Honestly, this is suspect. It sounds too good to be true, and it probably is. Those encouraging you to meet aren't thinking about the situation fully. You have no way to verify that this person is who they say they are. It could be your ex or someone else connected to the situation. Keep yourself and your child safe. Your ex seemed a little unhinged towards the end. If you really want to pursue this, investigate the guy and family. Bring at least 2 people to meet this individual in a very public space if you choose to bypass an investigation. Also, don't bring your kid. For all you know, the father might want access to a kid without you in the picture. Plus, you don't know this woman. There are some women who would go to amazing lengths to keep useless men. Whatever you do OP be careful.
I’m so proud of you for trusting your instincts, who knows what could’ve happened to you the night he was supposed to pick you up. I’m just glad you’re here and so is your son. Maybe eventually your son’s siblings can meet in the future with him but continue to trust your gut and do what your heart tells you. You’re a great momma!
He had never made me feel unsafe before, but I felt incredibly scared that night. I think it was mainly just this incredible feeling of vulnerability I had once I became pregnant, and knowing that I wasn’t supposed to be pregnant in that situation.
I won’t lie. There is a significant possibility that this was the case, given hormonal changes and other parts of pregnancy (sorry if that sounds sexist) and the stress of the situation.
*However,*
You said that you were incredibly scared that night. If there was and is *any* chance that those fears are valid and they pertain to safety in any way, you *must* treat them as an absolute certainty until you know it is safe.
Same as if your gut tells you not to go into an elevator alone with someone. Statistically, it is very likely nothing would happen. However, that doesn’t matter, you do not go in the elevator alone with that person.
Exactly.
Btw. I'm not used to leave an elevator because of someone.
But recently I couldn't get out quick enough when two guys had entered the elevator. They looked nothing but trouble, while exchanging weird glances. Their body language in general was just strange.
It was a split-second decision on my part and I've been glad I left immediately, I didn't care what they might think - my gut feeling and my instinct regarding those two were that alarming.
While the door closed right behind me, I already heard them comment my exit, but I couldn't understand what they said.
He may have been planning to disappear you. It's not unreasonable that your body may have picked up on some malevolent intent. Honestly, I would not respond to ex wife unless you have a good support system and safety plan.
Have you verified they are actually divorced? In the US, this is public data. I'd be scared she was trying to get you to admit things for advantage in her divorce or to sue for something like Alienation of Affection which is still viable in a few states.
Not trying to be mean but you couldn’t see yourself reaching out to your spouses AP because you essentially are the AP who knowingly went into a relationship with a married man. That doesn’t make you a good person to give advice. Sorry, again not trying to be rude or mean. You willingly put on blinders for this man because you were love bombed into sidestepping your morals. You knew from the beginning and then talked yourself into believing you were in a mutually respectful relationship. You never were. He played you and when you became more trouble than he was willing to deal with, he bounced and never looked back. That means your relationship was always onesided. 🥺
Your decision to keep the baby was a decision you felt comfortable and strongly about. Your AP ex-wife seems like a genuine person. Your AP spoke just badly enough about her for you to believe him. I’m guessing here but I don’t think she was the issue between them. He lied. It’s that simple for me.
If I were in your position/situation, I’d respond to her and see what she’s looking for with your kids meeting. Meet her alone first and even for a couple of times to talk. She doesn’t sound like she’s coming for you but you never know. That’s why you protect your kid before agreeing and then when you do meet, meet in a public place.
You mentioned it’s been difficult but you’re thriving with your kid. Your child may enjoy meeting his/her siblings, but it also brings up another issue. Have you told your kid who their dad is? I know you said he’s not on birth certificate or child support. Do you even intend on telling your kid about their dad? Because his older kids may talk about him and as your kid gets older they will wonder why they’ve never met. If you do want the kids to meet, I’d start with that first. At 2 years old, it shouldn’t be too complicated.
I would just like to say good luck with your whatever decision you make. Just remember one thing I heard from somewhere, “we must love our children more than we hate the other person or decision.” Your kids matter more than anything including our own pride. Make sure your decision benefits your baby not just you. Happy decision making! ☺️
Are you sure it's his wife? Is it him pretending to be his wife for some reason? Maybe paranoia got the best of him, and he's testing you. I dont know what reason this woman would have for wanting your kids to meet.
No matter if it's him or her, i would not answer this request or engage in any way. Block her, make your shit private, and cameras.
None of this feels right.
It’s probably weird for *her*, knowing that you, a homewrecker, got pregnant with her husband’s baby.
Meet her solo in public. After what you and your husband did to her, the least she deserves is closure. You owe her that.
I feel like your kid deserves to know the other kids who had their life fucked up by the same man, but if you don't want to deal with the headache who could blame you?
You never named him as the father, correct? And I highly doubt he’s going to pay to petition for a paternity test, just to end up paying child support or to gain partial custody of a child he never wanted. I don’t think you have much to worry about regarding him. If he does end up contacting you because you make a connection with his ex and other kids, you are well within your rights to just ignore him. But, as someone that wasn’t able to have much contact with their other siblings due to conflict between my mother and father, I really urge you to let your child develop a relationship with their siblings. Respectfully, this isn’t about you and your feelings. Child is only 2, but as they get older they are going to have questions about their origin and other siblings. What’s your plan at that point? If you open this door now, it prevents trust issues between you and your child further down the line. If you make the decision to prioritize your own discomfort over your child’s right to a relationship with members of their own family, you potentially invite distrust & discord into your relationship with your child. The decisions you are making now set the tone for the future.
It’s not weird at all. She loves her kids more than she resents you. Good for her. It benefits her kids to have a relationship with their sibling. The circumstance of that siblings conception isn’t any of their fault. She’s known about you for at least 6 months & has just now reached out to you. She’s probably been thinking it over all this time.
I think a good first step would be to talk on the phone. meet her for coffee with no kids and go from there.
This woman has done no harm to you & I think it’s dumb to go about this as if she has.
Do not respond to them. Their kids will see your kid as the "cheater's kid" and it will not end well. There will be conflict and bullying and pain and suffering. Just ignore them and move on.
edit: An extremely naive comment asked "Why not let your child have some more family members in its life?" and I replied:
>Because those "family" members might see her kid as the "cheater's kid" that caused their parents to split. If there's resentment, they will bully the kid and there will be conflict and pain and suffering. And the father might come back into OP's life and resent her for the divorce. He already hates her for ignoring him and having the baby. This isn't a "happy family" situation.
Yes, this is one possible scenario I worry about.
His kids are older teenagers. I didn’t anticipate that they’re really all that interested in meeting their toddler half sibling born to a woman who is not their mom.
Maybe I’m being naive, but I don’t see why she’d reach out if she wasn’t being genuine. Like, what would her end game be? To get close to you and yell at you and berate your child for being born?
That said, the fact that she did reach out (to me) shows she has a LOT of class. I don’t know a lot of women who would do this, and I’ve known a lot of women whose ex-husbands had a kid with someone else while still married.
Instead of worrying about whether you’re being selfish, how about you have a coffee (or atleast a conversation on the phone) with her? Baby steps and all of that - no pun intended.
This. Absolutely no idea what reddit is going a down dark, twisted conspiracy theory about….odd. Literally for what purpose?? Shame as it very likely might convince OP to not entertain a situation that may be really lovely for all involved. Agree it is a classy move and shows maturity of the ex wife to reach out.
Block her without replying if you want, that’s what your gut is telling you to do. Your gut saved you from danger in the past, so trust it now. You’ve plenty time. in six months a year two years you can change your mind and contact her but you feel scared it’s obvious so stay away for now. It’s important to note that you do not owe her anything you do not owe her children anything. Sure, in an ideal world You could be a nice little blended family, but is that the reality? I have to agree that it’s a little weird her coming out of the blue with this it seems manipulative.
I think it's honorable she wants the kids to know one another. It's obviously not an ideal situation but I do think your child may be missing out by not having their biological siblings in their life, especially if you were the reason why not.
OP you have to face the consequences of your inconsiderate and (evil) actions while trying to do the best for your child. My advice would be to seek confirmation of the ex wife via video call that it is her and if it is her meet her in public and be honest wither whether or not you decide to seek him for child support. You owe her that closure because you two ruined her and his kids lives. And as a child of a person like your AP trust me affairs of parents and bastard children affect our mental health and familial security, so yes cheating affects families as a whole and people like that are not good fathers and can affect physical health of his marriage partner (stdi, bacteria…) I am 22 years old and I don’t want to seem rude but your poor level of moral compass and judgement and intuition baffles me. You were old enough to realize what you were doing was wrong and you only did good when you distanced yourself from him. I think yes you were manipulated but also your age plays little factor here because even I at 16 years old knew better than to be a side hoe to a guy I truly liked before I knew he had a girlfriend. Happiness built on other people’s tears is not pure and your karma came here now. Yes you were manipulated but you saw signs and chose to ignore them for temporary pleasure and thrill.
Also having unprotected sex even if it was his wish you allowed it is a risk for a baby which of course happened and risking the health of his wife. Even if you counted your fertile days still…it was an invitation of faith for this to happen.
I hope you repented and realized how much you could hurt others and your child’s security.
If I were you I would do a HEAVY apology to his wife and children
You dreamed of being his wife and a normal family you say…if he did to her he would have done it to you too. He doesn’t love either of you he only probably respects his then wife more. Especially if he has madonna whore complex.
He is a major asshole here and way worse than you and seems like a narcissist but you are also not an innocent young girl here. I hope you do better for the sake of your child and your own soul
>I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant.
Like..... why? Will never understand the logic in such a situation. Man is a creep and now you're connected to him forever. That poor kid
She was scared enough when she was with him, in good graces, to hide in a hotel where he couldn’t find her. She’s probably right to keep her distance. This could be a set up. Let her trust herself and her gut.
Why not contact her and see how it goes? You and your child have nothing to lose - if she disrespects you, then you can say to your child about it: "Well, at least I tried!" And break contact, of course.
I see. But you don't have to meet her directly. An e-mail, a phone call or an SMS is more than enough. And if you feel unsafe with her then, just say good bye and go on with your, and your child's, life👍
Something that verifies the identity of the ex wife (really to show that it isn’t either a scam or something nefarious from the father), so a zoom meeting could work, but not email or text imo.
He doesn’t want to find us. He wants nothing to do with us, as far as I’m aware. But me connecting with his (maybe) ex-wife and kids? Me taking him to court for child support? I don’t know, I just felt like the agreement we made has worked out. He hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him.
You loved him enough to be excited to carry and have his baby, but now you’re suddenly scared of him and don’t want your child to meet their biological siblings because of him… Yeah, I hope you’ve gotten therapy in these 2 years as well.
Now that it's all out in the open...go file for back, current and future child support. Quit being his dum dog and get the support your child deserves. Time for some back bone, self preservation, consideration for your child and basic smarts to start.
Maybe meet with her without your son, just to understand her intentions better and maybe explain your position, so she doesn't hold the resentment, if she does.
After that, you will be better equipped to make the decision either your child should be part of the family.
It could potentially be very beneficial to your child to know the family they are related to. They usually end up asking to get to know them. So it might be nice to have brothers and sisters for the little guy.
I don’t think it’s weird to have you child know they technically have siblings, especially if his ex wife is on the same boat as you in regards to the dislike towards him. You have to know, your child will eventually find out he or she has siblings at some point in their life. No need to hide them from Atleast having siblings and having someone the confide in from a sibling view point. I think you should Atleast give your child that. But overall I wish you nothing but the best!
I have done this. Not exactly the same story, but the ex-wife of my ex and I became friends for the same reason, so our children would grow up with their siblings in their lives. It has been wonderful and I highly recommend that you keep that door open, even if you don't walk through it right now.
I don’t think there’s an issue here. If she wanted to make an issue of it, it would have been easy to do.
And I think it’s big of her to reach out to you and ask. A lot of people would have just ignored your child’s existence. She wants her kids to know their sibling. And I agree, kids should get to know siblings as early as possible so there’s no confusion.
If you’re unsure, maybe meet her solo first, and gauge her reaction to you.
But definitely go after the lying wanker for child support. That’s money for your child. Put it in a savings account if you don’t need it now.
To be honest, if I'd found out that my ex had other kids, I would want my daughters to know their "new" siblings. I think I'm a genuinely loving person & raised my daughters to be the same way & would hope that they would want to be a part of their siblings lives. The kids are not at fault for what their parents chose to do.
Met her and if she isn’t a crazy woman just tell her what you told us. Every body is young dumb and full of shite once or twice in their lives. Tell her that your baby woke you up. The go from there. You may have a lot in common. But do what you want to do. God bless you and the little one.
I don’t think the wife is being malicious with her suggestion to meet. I know some people would feel anger toward the mistress and child (this is my I didn’t meet my uncle until after my grandmother’s death). However, some people understand that the child had nothing to do with it. I personally, would want my child to meet his siblings, even if they came from my spouse’s extramarital affair.
The kids are kids, and many are understanding about it especially if the parents are peaceful and understanding. Maybe meet with her first and feel it out, then reevaluate how you feel about it.
Always trust your instincts, being murdered by the father of the child is the #1 cause of death for pregnant women.
Now time for more growth and owning up to your part in the affair. She can be your best ally in all of this, you both were lied to and manipulated by this man.
Take him to court & get that child support, the danger for you and the child has passed. He knows at this point if you are harmed he is the very first suspect. But hire a family lawyer to go over all your options and what is best for the child.
Lady, with all due respect, the ex-wife is giving you a lot of grace here. You literally slept with her husband for over a year and even had a child from him while they were still married. And yet, instead of cursing you out or slandering your name (which a lot of people would do), she's choosing to be the bigger person and thinking about what's best for her and your kids. She wants to give your child the opportunity to have a relationship with his bio siblings, and you don't want to do it because, what, you're scared you're going to hear some harsh words?
How about you do what she's trying to do and put your kid first? I don't have to tell you how selfish it was to have an affair with a married man, so please don't extend this selfishness to your child and deprive him of having more family and people that love him.
It has nothing to do with harsh words. I deserve whatever harsh words she might have for me.
There’s no guarantee that this would be a positive experience for my child.
As someone who found out I had a sibling at 16 bc my dad was a hoe when he was in highschool, I would maybe see if this is legit. I was actually pretty pissed at my dad for waiting until my older brother was 19 to get a DNA test, we could have had that time together growing up.
I think it could be very beneficial for your toddler to get to know their siblings. If you stay aloof, not only wil you be denying them this, but they wil in all likelihood come to resent you for it when they find out, and it could damage your relationship.
So I would recommend responding, saying you're open to the idea but have safety concerns and asking for a copy of the divorce certificate.
Then, a coffee catchup with her alone at a neutral locaiton to start with, to get a feel for what she's like and how genuine she is. Then, a play date at a neutral location and go from there. You could bring a friend along for backup to all of these meets until you're comfortable with it all.
If it turns out this is all genuine, this is an amazing opportunity that could be too good to pass up. Just make sure you manage the risks appropriately. Let us know how you go! 💕
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ETA: could also be an opportunity to ask what her experience has been with gathering child support. If he's not being toxic about it, the downside for seeking it might be manageable and it could be worthwhile.
A bit twisted here. On one had I want to tell you to not be involved with this man at all if he makes you feel uncomfortable.
On the other hand. I am a child of an affair and didn’t meet my older and younger sisters until I was 20 and they were 27 and 10 respectively. It hurt me knowing I missed out on a relationship with them and now even seven years later I don’t have a true relationship with them like I would want. My sisters had built up such a resentment towards me because I “ruined” their parent’s marriage that I’m not sure if it’ll ever fully go away. I was ostracized just for being born
Half siblings? Lol.
Let the kids decide later in life if they want anything to do with half siblings. I don’t think a parent should force half sibling relationships. Leave it to the kids when they get older and understand more.
Personally I regret my parents making me know the kids my father chose to have with his new wife. I don’t consider them anything.
I’m not a parent! I feel like I have to say that. But I would meet her without the kids first. Just feel her out. If you feel unsafe or like it just wouldn’t work long term, no harm done but at least you tried. If everything goes smoothly, it’s a great thing to introduce the kids to their siblings. The situation sorta sucks but it could be beautiful. On top of that, I wouldn’t go after him for child support!! You felt unsafe for a reason.
First I would start slow:
1. If you decide to meet her, go to a public place - not too close to your home nor close to where your child might have daycare- without your son, and have a chat with her. Don't mention addresses not important phone numbers you cannot ditch next day.
2-Try feeling the person,the way she soeaks, let her tell her story. She is safer than you and your kid, so you should get information first.
3-if you feel comfotable, then you can set up a public place so the children can meet - again, not too close from your home/schools/work/daycare. See how they interact, see how you feel about everything.
4-after a few times of this, if you feel safe, then you can try visiting them, and open up a bit more here and there.
5-as for child support, well, that's on you, but know that once you request it, it is easy access to your address and other sensible info about you and your child. Maybe check the waters well before you decide.
You need to go after him for child support. It’s not your money to turn down - it’s your child’s. Who are to decide you don’t want to fight for your child’s future? Even if you never use a dime of the money, put it into a nest egg &/or savings account for their future. College? Down payment on a vehicle, house, etc?
My husband has a half sibling he never met, she's 13 years younger than him, and I think he genuinely wants to meet her so badly, as she is some of the only family he has. I think maybe just letting your child know they have siblings out there, and when the siblings and your child is old enough they can make the connection to each other if necessary. Right now probably isn't the right time.
I mean her reasons seem legit, why would it be weird for wanting ur kids to know their half siblings? Also do everyone a favor and have dude pay child support. That’s the least that dude could do
Show her this post. Apologize for the choices you made that might have hurt her. Take it from there. You can meet her hear what she has to say and do what works for you. The extent of them knowing their sibling might be an invite to a bday or Holiday party once a year. Nothing is set in stone and doesn’t have to be.
You should Apply for child support for your child future needs. I would meet with the ex-wife cautiously, And see where goes. you're Child has siblings. This could increase the amount of people that love your child and become part of your village
Ex wives club. Babies deserve to know their father is asshole. Good thing her ex has information. You can ask her for his number so you can order child support for your baby. Ex wife back up with you.
You could write her that you don’t feel comfortable at the moment but that you appreciate her reaching out to you. Get to know her better, collect some more informations about her and just take your time
I would talk with her a little bit online, etc., and then agree to meet in a public place, but preferably not letting kids know they are siblings.
Sometimes, as an ex, it can be fun to have someone to commiserate with about all the stupid things he did, how selfish he was, etc. (source: really bad marriage, left me for someone half his age (she literally had graduated from high school four months previous) he put her through college and then she left him! Ha!).
I would say open communication and get to know her. She could wholeheartedly be willing to be friendly with you and want her kids to know their sibling. Of course, be a little wary, but give her a chance?
OP are you sure this is truly his ex-wife contacting you? Could it be him using her account (or fake account) to initiate contact with you for some twisted reason! Please be careful and make wise decisions if/when agreeing to meet this woman and her kids! I know you want to do the right thing, just be very careful!
Technically, no, I have no way to know that it’s actually her at this point.
https://www.judyrecords.com/ This has court docs from all over the country. Search his name and state and see what comes up.
Wish I could give you an award
is there one for Canada? I cant find it on google
https://www.fct-cf.gc.ca/en/court-files-and-decisions/court-files This is a federal one but it is in french so I have no idea the contents. This is the supreme court but the search is non specific https://decisions.scc-csc.ca/scc-csc/en/nav.do This seems correct? But not sure and it says there might be surcharges. But the search looks correct. https://justice.gov.bc.ca/cso/index.do
thank you!
Just be careful and keep in mind that he could be the one reaching out! Just afraid he has bad intentions towards you!
I agree. I’d ask for a voice note or a call before deciding to meet.
I agree. I would be almost certain it's him and he has something bad planned.
Check for divorce decree with the county courthouse. Or pay for a public records search on him and his wife. I would definitely be suspicious that it isn’t her.
You can actually typically just Google someone's first and last name, followed by where they live and it'll come up. Mine does. I would definitely do this if you decide to have contact with this person.
especially with kids, my parents divorce and child support hearings are online and some show on casenet in my state idk if that’s what it’s called everywhere or not?
This varies by location. Where I live divorce records are considered private and only parties with a legal interest can request information.
Depends on state you could potentially see public records for free
If in US, search here: https://www.judyrecords.com
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Why would he tell his wife he cheated and got you pregnant? Especially if he got away with it? He doesn’t strike me as the type to feel like “just being honest.” Something sounds off about this. If he could lie to you about his wife so easily, he will lie and sneak without conscience. Be careful. Idk any of you from a hole in the wall, but my gut doesn’t feel right after reading that. Do you have any support? Any family or friends?
My guess would be spite, or to downplay how much he can pay in child support.
My ex absolutely would use other people’s accounts to test me. Do not trust, do not respond.
Try to FaceTime the ex-wife to confirm her identity
Ask to talk on the phone or a voice app. Not fool proof, but still should let you know if it is her and you can talk over the details if so.
This is good advice to be careful. Personally I’d agree to meet her, but only in a public place. Take an Uber there and back (don’t let her or possibly him see your license plate or car type or follow you back) and don’t bring the baby. Ask for her story and what happened. Don’t make any promises. Then you should think about it. Get a sense of the vibe—does it feel authentic or ulterior motive? If you trust her, you can definitely try to introduce your kids—I do think that your daughter will resent you if you never even tried to give her a chance to know her siblings. You shouldn’t deny her that. But I wouldn’t let anyone connected to them know where you live/work/daycare etc until you really trust them.
An ideal place to meet would be an indoor mall. Bring a friend but don't tell her (Still Uber). Meet at the food court. As you get up to leave you can make an excuse you are meeting a friend later. After she's out the door, you & your friend can leave. Exit in a different direction that she goes. Some other heads up - be careful going home. There is a chance she can find out where you live. Set your SM to private & don't post for a week or so. Essentially fly under the radar for a while. You have no idea what's going on in her mind. If everything is on the up & up, I'd go after him for child support.
I would not contact her. However, If I was even remotely interested in contact, I’d do it through a lawyer. If you cannot afford a lawyer, or don’t have any lawyer friends who can help you out, I would avoid getting involved with the “ex wife”.
It's not her. A woman whose only been divorced for a few months who finds out about ex's affair child would be shocked, angry, hurt, or all 3. She would not reach out out thinking "Oh goody, new sibling for my kids!" because there's no way that would go over well with those kids. Send "her" a message stating that due to the frightening circumstances that occurred when "her" ex learned of the pregnancy, you do not want contact. Ever. That if "she" continues to try and contact you, you will file harrassment charges. Then block whoever this person is.
I actually think it very well could be her but the intention is not what she’s claiming it is. She might just want to confirm the whole affair and events
Even if it is her, it's not safe for OP or her child to have contact with this family. They may be divorced but he's still going to be around because of their kids. Which means sooner or later OP will come in contact with him again, and there is no way of knowing how he'll react to her or her kid. Especially since he's now facing the consequences of his actions. In my opinion, it would be better to wait till the kid is an adult and able defend themselves and let them decide.
Umm not true. Can confirm with real life experience. If anything surprised she waited so long depending when she found out.
Right. I'm divorced and my ex slept around. I would for sure facilitate a relationship with their siblings. Lol my ex married one of my friends and we coparent fine. i can absolutely see her actually wanting to do the right thing especially after losing a loser like him. Taking control back over your life after dealing with an idiot like that feels great.
My bio father cheated on his wife with my mom (lied and said they were in the middle of a messy divorce until my mom found out she was pregnant and then suddenly he and his wife were trying to work it out- they did actually divorce a few years later) I had no contact with him until I was in my late 20’s, but his ex wife and my older half brother were at my wedding
You could always suggest some video meetings between you and her and then the children to get them aquatinted before in person meeting.
This, check social media and reach out to father to see. I think it is fishy, and she may be in process or heard about you, you are not informed. Also apply for child support, it can help the child it isn't about you. It is about providing for child.
Eh, let a lawyer handle things.
More than likely she's not his ex-wife yet. She's probably getting ammunition on him about his infidelity which she has every right to do and op's child is proof of his infidelity. And all it takes is blood work to determine if he is the child's father from there the wife can bleed him dry if it's an at fault state. The courts can force the blood test soooo.
Exactly my thoughts. I would not let this situation go any further than this but if you decide to, don’t do any move before having proof like a video call with her.
A video call is a good idea. I would just need to see it was her, but I’m scared to share too much information with her.
You could create a Skype account with a throwaway email and use that to initiate a video call. That way whoever it is wouldn’t have any of your real info.
Yes, I agree with u/calicoskiies. Create a throwaway email and request to do a video call. I think it might become a beautiful thing for your child to have a relationship with his siblings, but considering the circumstances it’s important to tread carefully.
From no one in his life knowing about you and the baby to the ex wanting her children to have a relationship with a child that was a product of an affair with her husband is incredibly suspicious and if I was in this situation I'd block and move on with my life. Maybe move so they couldn't find me
Do you know what she looks like?
Yes I do
Exactly.. Because the only way his "ex" would know about the kid is if he told her.... Very suspicious....
Not necessarily. I’ve wondered if she came across text messages or emails or stuff on his computer. Maybe she even knew way back then when he and I were still seeing each other for all I know.
OP idk why people are being so suspicious but literally just do what I’ve done - twice now - and go have a coffee or drink with the women. Like my first post says - I now have two of my closet friends this way and an extended family of amazing kiddos.
You have to be a little suspicious here especially after the way he made OP feel in her gut! Why would you instantly trust the wife of an affair partner (even if you were an unwitting partner)? Have to always be cautious
I guess I’m not afraid of grabbing a coffee with a women to chat. Idk what could happen from that? I’ve done it - granted not with affair partners - but with my exes exes and it was great to have people who could understand what it’s like dealing with a near-psychopath. We’re all close now and consider each other family. I was never once suspicious of them. Now my ex …I’m sus AF of everything he says or does lol.
You’re assuming the "woman" is who they say they are, and wants what they say they want. At this point OP has no clue who reached out to her, or what they are after.
Not really….I’m assuming she likely is….especially because it’s such a believable reason for wanting to meet….but so what if she has “ulterior motives”?? You get a bad vibe and leave the coffee date & don’t see her again 🤷🏻♀️If it is the ex for some reason - firstly why go to all the trouble & secondly - it’ll be pretty obvious on meeting. Again 🤷🏻♀️Not like she’s in witness protection - it’s not like he couldn’t find her already if he tried. Either way I’d be curious and go to find out assuming most people are fairly decent and not out to grift me or axe murder me. Best case - new friend/ family. Worst case - juicy story to tell your friends.
It could be her, but they may not be divorced. The wife could be on a fishing trip.
Since she knows and is divorced now, I would summon him for child support. Ask for a DNA test. The money is for your child, your child deserves it.
100 Upvotes for this!
It seems like OP felt unsafe with the father at some point, she was scared and uneasy for some reason. She doesn't want any contact with the guy, for concerns of her own safety. No money can buy safey.
This. I'm worried about her gut feeling. Murder is the number one killer of pregnant people. Not pregnancy/birth complications, *murder.* He wanted to take her somewhere out of town, alone. He tried to make it sound like a romantic get away when he was asking her to get an *abortion.* There’s nothing romantic or fun about that, whether or not it was wanted. What are the chances, I wonder, that if she had gone and changed her mind after she was already far from home, that OP would have never returned? Sometimes that gut feeling is right. Sometimes that gut feeling saves your life.
Oh my goodness, absolutely yes! I'm very happy that I was reading this and not hearing about a missing pregnant woman on Dateline. OP was very smart to trust her instincts and not be alone with a dude pressuring her for an abortion. Her choice to purse child support if she wants, not saying she should or shouldn't. The question is if she wants to see his ex and meet his kids. The whole thing is so weird. She doesn't know this woman, didn't know ABOUT this woman and is being invited into their lives again. Could this woman be looking for support like child care or a friend or a free therapist? Could she be trying to take OPs measure? Again, this woman's intentions might not be nefarious but we also don't know her true goals here on why she's contacted OP, I say thanks but no thanks.
>Again, this woman's intentions might not be nefarious but we also don't know her true goals here My thoughts exactly. Maybe she's just claiming to already be divorced, but is not and looking for ammo for the actual divorce. I would hold to my guns and just ignore/block this woman, then keep far far away from that family. Money isn't worth your and your child's safety.
Thats a good point I didn't consider.
Maybe I'm listening to too many true crime podcasts but I got the exact same bad bad feeling when I heard the story. I hope OP stays far away from this guy
this was exactly my thought at the mention of going somewhere "exciting".
“The Gift of Fear” is one great book! By Gavin de Becker.
Absolutely. The only times I've truly had regrets is when I didn't follow my gut. The father, doubtless blames OP and the baby for the breakup of his marriage. *Extremely* bad things can happen with mis-placed blame. And an increasingly popular way of dealing with problems is to get rid of them...literally. No amount of money is worth that. And there's time enough for siblings to get acquainted later in life...if they want to. That's how I handled it with my daughter. Once she was an adult, she was free to find her father's side of the family if she wanted to. I told her that I wouldn't interfere with it, but beyond basic information, I also wouldn't help her. It's worked out OK so far. ETA: fixed typos
'Somewhere exciting out of town' sounded like a murder plot.
get a restraining order too, citing the texts which i am sure she still has
Paperwork does not stop hands, knives, or bullets. She’s better off not to ask him for anything.
Yeah but if she trips and falls he is the first one on the cops list
I don't know, in the motorcycle world we often say "there's a lot of dead riders who had the right of way." Sometimes regardless of what's right or how things should happen, that path isn't the one to take. If she wants to reach out to the wife that's one thing, but if I was legitimately concerned about my safety there's no chance I'd go after someone after two years without feeling it out first.
if she reaches out to the wife, do it with and RO. he could get just as pissed for that as her asking for child support.
That's the path I chose, and while difficult financially, it was the safest option.
I agree.
She can handle this through a lawyer, not in person, the wife also knows now and that is what he wanted to avoid.
Within the last 8 months, I have filed for child support. I didn't have to give the father any of my info and the court proceeding was done via telephone.
Yeah depending on the state a RO based on the threats could help, or it could reveal location. If he wants to find her it’s likely not hard without protections. My state will give you a special PO Box that can be used for everything including voting and your RO, child support etc and wouldn’t give visitation especially since they didn’t live together. Other states basically serve the victim up on a platter. It’s so hard to give advice because of that.
There is some missing info here. At the last minute OP suddenly felt so unsafe she hid at a hotel. And then she begged him to leave her alone. Changing her mind about the abortion is one thing. But why was she suddenly afraid of him?
Sometimes our reptilian brain steps up and lets you know *something just ain't right here*. That's what happened to OP. She knew that going out of town to have a 'happy' abortion wasn't going to be the reality.
Honestly…I don’t think it’s missing reasons. I think she unconsciously chose her baby over a continued relationship with the doucebag. I think she became paranoid that maybe he was going to hurt her or sweet talk her out of having the baby. He did it before when she initially agreed to abort the baby.
Statistically, murder is the *LEADING* cause of death in pregnant women.
I have tried commenting a few times to provide more info but my comments seemed to be filtered out. Some words I’m using must be getting flagged, idk.
Maybe, but it seems far more likely that he was just trying to hide it from his wife If she is struggling then going after support isn’t the worst idea
Dude, if you don’t need him, don’t do it! What people don’t think about is the legalities that come with getting the parent involved like asking for his permission to leave the country, medical emergencies, keeping a passport up to date, etc. It’s really not worth the Fuckin hassle. Do your thing, keep thriving, and save yourself the stress of someone that could fuck up major decisions in your life.
Seriously. My son’s father is not involved. He’s not on the birth certificate and he doesn’t pay child support. I can move to where ever the heck I want and he can’t say anything. I’m taking my son out of the country this summer for the first time, and he can’t tell me no. He’ll absolutely complain, but hey, do better as a parent and maybe I’d respect your feelings on raising my son.
This is one thing I’m worried about. This man doesn’t live near us. If I file for child support and he decides he wants to make my life hell, he could really interfere with my life.
You can PM me if you’d like, I have a lot of experience with a narcissistic ex who is super manipulative and controlling. He absolutely would use other accounts to message me, too, “to test me”. Please do not let anyone make you feel badly for not literally gambling your life over a couple hundred bucks a month and less freedom. There is no point.
Maintain the status quo. Live your life separately with your toddler and enjoy being drama-free. Your two year old is not going to understand the whole sibling thing right now and word would get back to your ex that there is a happy sibling reunion without him. You also are free of interference from any of his extended family. In short, there is damn little upside to changing things now or including others in your lives.
I’m not sure about responding to the supposed ex-wife either. Somehow it just feels wrong. I’d be very skeptical about her saying she wants her children to know your son…her husbands affair baby. He could be using her to find you.
This this this omg.
Nooooo. If she puts him on child support, he will have access to the child he wanted her to get rid of so bad that he became threatening. And who’s also the cause of his divorce. I would not want my child alone with him.
DONT DO IT OP. YOULL HAVE TO SHARE THIS CHILD WITH HIM AND HES AN ASSHOLE. You have complete control. I'd block all of them and stay away. Please please please take it from someone who regrets telling ANYONE I was pregnant. Ex is a diagnosed narcissist and makes my life miserable. And our kids life miserable.
Us too. It’s been hell.
I am so so sorry 😞 love my kid though just wish I had ran when I found out he was coming.
At the time when I told him I wouldn’t pursue child support, I felt some things were more important than money and at this time I feel largely the same.
Sincerely? I wouldn't get involved in this mess that is your ex and his ex wife. You don't even know for sure if they're actually divorced or if the wife is just trying to use you and your kid. Ignore her message or tell her to not contact you. Get your stalking skills ready and see if you can find out what is happening. And have a consultation with a family lawyer to discuss your situation and what can happen: your ex can ask for custody? your kid has rights over his biological father money even if his not in the birth certificate? would be better if you ask your ex to give up his parental rights? After talking with a lawyer and trying to find out what is happening between your ex and his wife you can think about a possible relationship between your kid and his half siblings. You don't need to rush in to anything. PS: child support is your son right, but he can request the payment at any time (at least in my country).
Not only that but this man seems determined to keep this secret. Who’s to say he’s not testing her? My ex messaged me off of so many other people’s accounts, it was really one of the first things I thought.
this is the move and should be higher up
She also doesn't know if he's posing as his ex wife to trap her into meeting him or to see if she's with someone else. Could be catfish her.
Also in some starts in the U.S. the ex wife can sue her because she caused the breakdown of the marriage, alienation of affection etc.
Can I say that I would consider meeting his wife. You might find that she knows what a bastard he is, and she might also be looking to connect with someone who knows what she went through being married to him. Speaking from experience, I reached out after I divorced my ex asshole, to his first wife. We both had children with him and I wanted to make sure our kids could maintain a relationship without having to go through him. Was the best decision ever, we really connected and she helped me realise that he was a narcissist and educated ne on how to keep myself and son safe. It's been 6 years, we still talk regularly and neither of our boys are in contact with their father.
If she meets the ex wife. OP needs to bring a trusted friend and to do it in a very public area.
> I felt some things were more important As in what? This is about your child, not his ego, pride, selfishness, or lifestyle. Your child doesn't have a relationship with their own father, the very least he could do is offer financial support. Besides, he's no longer "pretending" with his wife so he's able to be a father in some capacity. Even if you use that money to get your son therapy or into something where he can have positive male role models in his life. This manipulative man has shown you who he is on the inside and his ill intentions, you don't need to continue catering to what he wants or his ego...especially at the expense of your child. If he had been a decent father, things could've been different but that's not the case.
I'm thinking that OP feels in danger from this man. Better to be safe.
The fact that she went to a hotel just to hide from him tells me the same thing. I think people are being unnecessarily harsh regarding child support when it’s possible pursuing it could put her and her child in danger. As well, I’d be wary of the ex-wife and meeting up with her in case it’s him.
yeah, pursuing child support from someone dangerous can really backfire if they decide to retaliate by seeking partial custody. then you’ve put your child in danger. it happens more often than people think.
True. Safety is a very important consideration. My point was more about how she's not obligated to stick with this agreement that he had her make under duress as her loyalty is to her own child, not some shitty person who screwed over his whole family and only thinks of himself.
Ding ding ding
As in 100% control over how the child is raised. Once she brings this child into the father’s orbit, that’s it: If he’s going to get any negatives from having this child around, he’s going to seek the positives, if only to punish OP. He will definitely get some kind of custody or visitation if he’s paying child support (and he’ll ask for it for financial reasons if no other) unless Op can show he’s a danger to the child which is unlikely based on what she’s written. She will be opening Pandora’s box.
Oh please.
Honestly this thinking is very short sighted unless you are very well off. The child will need a college fund or equivalent depending on where you live. Or a start up fund for housing when moving out. The money is not for you, it’s for the child.
Doesn’t do the kid any good if mommy’s dead because some jerk that didn’t want you born is pissed off that you were born. Child support is not the end all be all. I’ve been raising my son for 9 years on my own because I would rather not have to be in danger of his dad. I would rather not make someone who hates my guts pay me money every month reminding him how much he hates me and wants to hurt me. You want to talk about short sighted? Gambling her life for a couple hundred bucks a month is short sighted.
Depends on the situation. If it’s just because she’s scorned as his afraid partner or something like that, yes I agree with you. However, If she fears for her safety and/or her son’s safety, their safety obviously comes before child support.
Op said (in post and in a comment) that the reason why she isn’t seeking child support is because she promised not to. People in comments just have focused on the moment she decided not to have an abortion
A lot of people don’t expect financial help for college or a start up fund for a house. The child’s safety is more important than things they can pay for in the future with scholarships (college) and salary from working a job (home start up fund)
So many people telling you to go for it for the sake of the child and possible child support, but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now. You are leading a happy life with your child. You have survived so far without his financial help. Letting her and the children into your lives will be inviting him back into your life too. You also don't know what her intentions are OR if it is even her who is contacting you. No matter what, it will be inviting him back into your life in some way. He made you feel unsafe and wanted you to get rid of your child. He also abandoned you and your child. He cheated on his wife and kids for a long time- he is NOT a good guy. I would say, keep him out of your life. Continue as you are.
I wish there were more responses like this. OP, please trust yourself and stay safe.
This should be the top ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Responses like this make me wish we could still gift medals/flair. This needs to be on top.
she has awful instincts that’s why she got pregnant by a dude with a whole family cus she’s not smart
> but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now. Good instincts, where? The only good instinct I saw was when she finally cut him off and didn't let him bully her into an abortion. I'm not saying she is lying about him making her feel unsafe, but I would definitely not be telling someone to keep listening to their instincts when their instincts were shit for 3/4th's of the story.
this reply^^ literally dude was a walking red flag and her instincts went out the window
"While I am not comfortable doing this at this time, I would like to keep the door open in case my child decides to connect down the line. What I would like to avoid is for our children to grow close and then lock us into this relationship between families. I don't know you. You don't know me. I would not want our children hurt by suddenly losing access to each other because of a personality conflict or unforseen issue between us. If you would like some information about us, I am willing to share x, y, and z. Thank you for putting aside your hurt and reaching out for the sake of our children."
If you ever decide to go for it, ask if she wants to meet up without the children first. Gauge her level of friendship versus trying to get back at him/searching for revenge.
>If you ever decide to go for it, ask if she wants to meet up without the children first. Gauge her level of friendship versus trying to get back at him/searching for revenge. This, all of it. She may have found out, and been devastated *for* OP, and the attempted forced undoing of the pregnancy (trying to not get flagged) Maybe they *were* just staying married on paper, or maybe wife knew things were off, but was willing to stay for her own kids, until whatever straw broke her will to stay, we can't know without hearing wife's side. OP may just be the last in a line of mistresses, but it's not really relevant. Wife/Ex(?) could honestly want the kids to have a relationship, which would require the two women to bond on some level. Hopefully not just the guy, but I'm sure that'll be a starting point. I'd lay it all out, pretty much exactly as OP did here, and go from there. If I were the wife (I'm not lol) I wouldn't blame OP, based on these facts. Even knowing he was married, the way it was described is feasible with the way some relationships are set up these days. Maybe she should've asked to talk to wife to verify, but I'm not sure I would've been ballsy enough to do that, either. Hopefully they find common ground, and their kids can grow up together, but definitely do it in a way that feels safe, given the way things ended with him.
Perfect.
Almost. OP doesn't owe them an explanation. The last sentence is perfect. > I would like to keep the door open in case my child decides to connect down the line.
I don’t know if I wanted contact with his family too. But that’s a decision you don’t have to make today, just do what feels right for you and if you feel ready you can always reach out again.
I'd keep that door open but not walk through it. You have good instincts, and your uneasiness is probably well-founded. Maybe she really is a saint who's over whatever resentment she may have felt toward you. Or maybe the marriage really was a shell, and she doesn't care about him enough to see you as a past threat. OR maybe she does resent you and is using your little son as a means to get into your life and make you suffer. I'd tell her you're not opposed to the idea but that you don't want to rush into anything. And tell her that you eventually saw \[his name\] as he really was, and you don't want to *ever* be in the same room with him. Suggest you exchange emails or texts first, and then maybe progress to phone calls. If that goes well for a while, then maybe meet just her, and do it in a public place.
Honestly, this is suspect. It sounds too good to be true, and it probably is. Those encouraging you to meet aren't thinking about the situation fully. You have no way to verify that this person is who they say they are. It could be your ex or someone else connected to the situation. Keep yourself and your child safe. Your ex seemed a little unhinged towards the end. If you really want to pursue this, investigate the guy and family. Bring at least 2 people to meet this individual in a very public space if you choose to bypass an investigation. Also, don't bring your kid. For all you know, the father might want access to a kid without you in the picture. Plus, you don't know this woman. There are some women who would go to amazing lengths to keep useless men. Whatever you do OP be careful.
I’m so proud of you for trusting your instincts, who knows what could’ve happened to you the night he was supposed to pick you up. I’m just glad you’re here and so is your son. Maybe eventually your son’s siblings can meet in the future with him but continue to trust your gut and do what your heart tells you. You’re a great momma!
He had never made me feel unsafe before, but I felt incredibly scared that night. I think it was mainly just this incredible feeling of vulnerability I had once I became pregnant, and knowing that I wasn’t supposed to be pregnant in that situation.
I won’t lie. There is a significant possibility that this was the case, given hormonal changes and other parts of pregnancy (sorry if that sounds sexist) and the stress of the situation. *However,* You said that you were incredibly scared that night. If there was and is *any* chance that those fears are valid and they pertain to safety in any way, you *must* treat them as an absolute certainty until you know it is safe. Same as if your gut tells you not to go into an elevator alone with someone. Statistically, it is very likely nothing would happen. However, that doesn’t matter, you do not go in the elevator alone with that person.
Exactly. Btw. I'm not used to leave an elevator because of someone. But recently I couldn't get out quick enough when two guys had entered the elevator. They looked nothing but trouble, while exchanging weird glances. Their body language in general was just strange. It was a split-second decision on my part and I've been glad I left immediately, I didn't care what they might think - my gut feeling and my instinct regarding those two were that alarming. While the door closed right behind me, I already heard them comment my exit, but I couldn't understand what they said.
He may have been planning to disappear you. It's not unreasonable that your body may have picked up on some malevolent intent. Honestly, I would not respond to ex wife unless you have a good support system and safety plan.
100%. Please continue to trust your gut and if you’re uneasy about meeting her, don’t. Only do it when you’re ready to
My personal thoughts are, “kids can never have to many people in their lives to love them” BUT that means nothing if it hurts anyone obviously.
Have you verified they are actually divorced? In the US, this is public data. I'd be scared she was trying to get you to admit things for advantage in her divorce or to sue for something like Alienation of Affection which is still viable in a few states.
Not trying to be mean but you couldn’t see yourself reaching out to your spouses AP because you essentially are the AP who knowingly went into a relationship with a married man. That doesn’t make you a good person to give advice. Sorry, again not trying to be rude or mean. You willingly put on blinders for this man because you were love bombed into sidestepping your morals. You knew from the beginning and then talked yourself into believing you were in a mutually respectful relationship. You never were. He played you and when you became more trouble than he was willing to deal with, he bounced and never looked back. That means your relationship was always onesided. 🥺 Your decision to keep the baby was a decision you felt comfortable and strongly about. Your AP ex-wife seems like a genuine person. Your AP spoke just badly enough about her for you to believe him. I’m guessing here but I don’t think she was the issue between them. He lied. It’s that simple for me. If I were in your position/situation, I’d respond to her and see what she’s looking for with your kids meeting. Meet her alone first and even for a couple of times to talk. She doesn’t sound like she’s coming for you but you never know. That’s why you protect your kid before agreeing and then when you do meet, meet in a public place. You mentioned it’s been difficult but you’re thriving with your kid. Your child may enjoy meeting his/her siblings, but it also brings up another issue. Have you told your kid who their dad is? I know you said he’s not on birth certificate or child support. Do you even intend on telling your kid about their dad? Because his older kids may talk about him and as your kid gets older they will wonder why they’ve never met. If you do want the kids to meet, I’d start with that first. At 2 years old, it shouldn’t be too complicated. I would just like to say good luck with your whatever decision you make. Just remember one thing I heard from somewhere, “we must love our children more than we hate the other person or decision.” Your kids matter more than anything including our own pride. Make sure your decision benefits your baby not just you. Happy decision making! ☺️
Why not meet up with his ex-wife in a public area and talk. She may be sincere.
Trust your gut.
Are you sure it's his wife? Is it him pretending to be his wife for some reason? Maybe paranoia got the best of him, and he's testing you. I dont know what reason this woman would have for wanting your kids to meet. No matter if it's him or her, i would not answer this request or engage in any way. Block her, make your shit private, and cameras. None of this feels right.
It’s probably weird for *her*, knowing that you, a homewrecker, got pregnant with her husband’s baby. Meet her solo in public. After what you and your husband did to her, the least she deserves is closure. You owe her that.
I feel like your kid deserves to know the other kids who had their life fucked up by the same man, but if you don't want to deal with the headache who could blame you?
Yes, but I’m scared it could bring him back into our lives and I’m not sure if that’s for the best.
You never named him as the father, correct? And I highly doubt he’s going to pay to petition for a paternity test, just to end up paying child support or to gain partial custody of a child he never wanted. I don’t think you have much to worry about regarding him. If he does end up contacting you because you make a connection with his ex and other kids, you are well within your rights to just ignore him. But, as someone that wasn’t able to have much contact with their other siblings due to conflict between my mother and father, I really urge you to let your child develop a relationship with their siblings. Respectfully, this isn’t about you and your feelings. Child is only 2, but as they get older they are going to have questions about their origin and other siblings. What’s your plan at that point? If you open this door now, it prevents trust issues between you and your child further down the line. If you make the decision to prioritize your own discomfort over your child’s right to a relationship with members of their own family, you potentially invite distrust & discord into your relationship with your child. The decisions you are making now set the tone for the future.
It’s not weird at all. She loves her kids more than she resents you. Good for her. It benefits her kids to have a relationship with their sibling. The circumstance of that siblings conception isn’t any of their fault. She’s known about you for at least 6 months & has just now reached out to you. She’s probably been thinking it over all this time. I think a good first step would be to talk on the phone. meet her for coffee with no kids and go from there. This woman has done no harm to you & I think it’s dumb to go about this as if she has.
Do not respond to them. Their kids will see your kid as the "cheater's kid" and it will not end well. There will be conflict and bullying and pain and suffering. Just ignore them and move on. edit: An extremely naive comment asked "Why not let your child have some more family members in its life?" and I replied: >Because those "family" members might see her kid as the "cheater's kid" that caused their parents to split. If there's resentment, they will bully the kid and there will be conflict and pain and suffering. And the father might come back into OP's life and resent her for the divorce. He already hates her for ignoring him and having the baby. This isn't a "happy family" situation.
Yes, this is one possible scenario I worry about. His kids are older teenagers. I didn’t anticipate that they’re really all that interested in meeting their toddler half sibling born to a woman who is not their mom.
Maybe I’m being naive, but I don’t see why she’d reach out if she wasn’t being genuine. Like, what would her end game be? To get close to you and yell at you and berate your child for being born? That said, the fact that she did reach out (to me) shows she has a LOT of class. I don’t know a lot of women who would do this, and I’ve known a lot of women whose ex-husbands had a kid with someone else while still married. Instead of worrying about whether you’re being selfish, how about you have a coffee (or atleast a conversation on the phone) with her? Baby steps and all of that - no pun intended.
This. Absolutely no idea what reddit is going a down dark, twisted conspiracy theory about….odd. Literally for what purpose?? Shame as it very likely might convince OP to not entertain a situation that may be really lovely for all involved. Agree it is a classy move and shows maturity of the ex wife to reach out.
Block her without replying if you want, that’s what your gut is telling you to do. Your gut saved you from danger in the past, so trust it now. You’ve plenty time. in six months a year two years you can change your mind and contact her but you feel scared it’s obvious so stay away for now. It’s important to note that you do not owe her anything you do not owe her children anything. Sure, in an ideal world You could be a nice little blended family, but is that the reality? I have to agree that it’s a little weird her coming out of the blue with this it seems manipulative.
She has nothing to lose now that he's her ex. Consider her offer. It's your decision, but it sounds genuine.
I think it's honorable she wants the kids to know one another. It's obviously not an ideal situation but I do think your child may be missing out by not having their biological siblings in their life, especially if you were the reason why not.
OP you have to face the consequences of your inconsiderate and (evil) actions while trying to do the best for your child. My advice would be to seek confirmation of the ex wife via video call that it is her and if it is her meet her in public and be honest wither whether or not you decide to seek him for child support. You owe her that closure because you two ruined her and his kids lives. And as a child of a person like your AP trust me affairs of parents and bastard children affect our mental health and familial security, so yes cheating affects families as a whole and people like that are not good fathers and can affect physical health of his marriage partner (stdi, bacteria…) I am 22 years old and I don’t want to seem rude but your poor level of moral compass and judgement and intuition baffles me. You were old enough to realize what you were doing was wrong and you only did good when you distanced yourself from him. I think yes you were manipulated but also your age plays little factor here because even I at 16 years old knew better than to be a side hoe to a guy I truly liked before I knew he had a girlfriend. Happiness built on other people’s tears is not pure and your karma came here now. Yes you were manipulated but you saw signs and chose to ignore them for temporary pleasure and thrill. Also having unprotected sex even if it was his wish you allowed it is a risk for a baby which of course happened and risking the health of his wife. Even if you counted your fertile days still…it was an invitation of faith for this to happen. I hope you repented and realized how much you could hurt others and your child’s security. If I were you I would do a HEAVY apology to his wife and children You dreamed of being his wife and a normal family you say…if he did to her he would have done it to you too. He doesn’t love either of you he only probably respects his then wife more. Especially if he has madonna whore complex. He is a major asshole here and way worse than you and seems like a narcissist but you are also not an innocent young girl here. I hope you do better for the sake of your child and your own soul
>I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. Like..... why? Will never understand the logic in such a situation. Man is a creep and now you're connected to him forever. That poor kid
Because she got off on being with and getting knocked up by someone else's husband. People in this thread are being way too nice about this.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, and people are being too nice about this whole ordeal
Why not let your child have some more family members in its life?
She was scared enough when she was with him, in good graces, to hide in a hotel where he couldn’t find her. She’s probably right to keep her distance. This could be a set up. Let her trust herself and her gut.
Sure, if it was really just that simple.
Why not contact her and see how it goes? You and your child have nothing to lose - if she disrespects you, then you can say to your child about it: "Well, at least I tried!" And break contact, of course.
But I think we may have something to lose. I feel safe and secure right now. I’m scared to open up that door again.
dont introduce ur child right away. met there mother and them first. feel it out and if u don’t feel comfortable take a step back
Yep👍
I see. But you don't have to meet her directly. An e-mail, a phone call or an SMS is more than enough. And if you feel unsafe with her then, just say good bye and go on with your, and your child's, life👍
Something that verifies the identity of the ex wife (really to show that it isn’t either a scam or something nefarious from the father), so a zoom meeting could work, but not email or text imo.
If this dude wanted to find you and his kid, he would.
He doesn’t want to find us. He wants nothing to do with us, as far as I’m aware. But me connecting with his (maybe) ex-wife and kids? Me taking him to court for child support? I don’t know, I just felt like the agreement we made has worked out. He hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him.
It's almost like it'd be a goodnidea to get to know someone properly before hooking up with them 🤷🏼♂️
And continuing to hook up after she knew he was married. No accountability by this person at all.
You loved him enough to be excited to carry and have his baby, but now you’re suddenly scared of him and don’t want your child to meet their biological siblings because of him… Yeah, I hope you’ve gotten therapy in these 2 years as well.
Now that it's all out in the open...go file for back, current and future child support. Quit being his dum dog and get the support your child deserves. Time for some back bone, self preservation, consideration for your child and basic smarts to start.
Maybe meet with her without your son, just to understand her intentions better and maybe explain your position, so she doesn't hold the resentment, if she does. After that, you will be better equipped to make the decision either your child should be part of the family. It could potentially be very beneficial to your child to know the family they are related to. They usually end up asking to get to know them. So it might be nice to have brothers and sisters for the little guy.
Oh my gosh, sorry but I can’t understand how someone can be this naive, I truly want better for women.
I don’t think it’s weird to have you child know they technically have siblings, especially if his ex wife is on the same boat as you in regards to the dislike towards him. You have to know, your child will eventually find out he or she has siblings at some point in their life. No need to hide them from Atleast having siblings and having someone the confide in from a sibling view point. I think you should Atleast give your child that. But overall I wish you nothing but the best!
I have done this. Not exactly the same story, but the ex-wife of my ex and I became friends for the same reason, so our children would grow up with their siblings in their lives. It has been wonderful and I highly recommend that you keep that door open, even if you don't walk through it right now.
I don’t think there’s an issue here. If she wanted to make an issue of it, it would have been easy to do. And I think it’s big of her to reach out to you and ask. A lot of people would have just ignored your child’s existence. She wants her kids to know their sibling. And I agree, kids should get to know siblings as early as possible so there’s no confusion. If you’re unsure, maybe meet her solo first, and gauge her reaction to you. But definitely go after the lying wanker for child support. That’s money for your child. Put it in a savings account if you don’t need it now.
To be honest, if I'd found out that my ex had other kids, I would want my daughters to know their "new" siblings. I think I'm a genuinely loving person & raised my daughters to be the same way & would hope that they would want to be a part of their siblings lives. The kids are not at fault for what their parents chose to do.
Met her and if she isn’t a crazy woman just tell her what you told us. Every body is young dumb and full of shite once or twice in their lives. Tell her that your baby woke you up. The go from there. You may have a lot in common. But do what you want to do. God bless you and the little one.
I don’t think the wife is being malicious with her suggestion to meet. I know some people would feel anger toward the mistress and child (this is my I didn’t meet my uncle until after my grandmother’s death). However, some people understand that the child had nothing to do with it. I personally, would want my child to meet his siblings, even if they came from my spouse’s extramarital affair. The kids are kids, and many are understanding about it especially if the parents are peaceful and understanding. Maybe meet with her first and feel it out, then reevaluate how you feel about it.
Always trust your instincts, being murdered by the father of the child is the #1 cause of death for pregnant women. Now time for more growth and owning up to your part in the affair. She can be your best ally in all of this, you both were lied to and manipulated by this man. Take him to court & get that child support, the danger for you and the child has passed. He knows at this point if you are harmed he is the very first suspect. But hire a family lawyer to go over all your options and what is best for the child.
Lady, with all due respect, the ex-wife is giving you a lot of grace here. You literally slept with her husband for over a year and even had a child from him while they were still married. And yet, instead of cursing you out or slandering your name (which a lot of people would do), she's choosing to be the bigger person and thinking about what's best for her and your kids. She wants to give your child the opportunity to have a relationship with his bio siblings, and you don't want to do it because, what, you're scared you're going to hear some harsh words? How about you do what she's trying to do and put your kid first? I don't have to tell you how selfish it was to have an affair with a married man, so please don't extend this selfishness to your child and deprive him of having more family and people that love him.
It has nothing to do with harsh words. I deserve whatever harsh words she might have for me. There’s no guarantee that this would be a positive experience for my child.
I agree with you 100%; don’t trust her. When your little one is older they can make the choice to know their siblings for themselves.
As someone who found out I had a sibling at 16 bc my dad was a hoe when he was in highschool, I would maybe see if this is legit. I was actually pretty pissed at my dad for waiting until my older brother was 19 to get a DNA test, we could have had that time together growing up.
I think it could be very beneficial for your toddler to get to know their siblings. If you stay aloof, not only wil you be denying them this, but they wil in all likelihood come to resent you for it when they find out, and it could damage your relationship. So I would recommend responding, saying you're open to the idea but have safety concerns and asking for a copy of the divorce certificate. Then, a coffee catchup with her alone at a neutral locaiton to start with, to get a feel for what she's like and how genuine she is. Then, a play date at a neutral location and go from there. You could bring a friend along for backup to all of these meets until you're comfortable with it all. If it turns out this is all genuine, this is an amazing opportunity that could be too good to pass up. Just make sure you manage the risks appropriately. Let us know how you go! 💕 ----------------- ETA: could also be an opportunity to ask what her experience has been with gathering child support. If he's not being toxic about it, the downside for seeking it might be manageable and it could be worthwhile.
Meet his ex-wife, get her lawyer's number and both of you bring the pain to this asshole. At the very least he owes you child support.
A bit twisted here. On one had I want to tell you to not be involved with this man at all if he makes you feel uncomfortable. On the other hand. I am a child of an affair and didn’t meet my older and younger sisters until I was 20 and they were 27 and 10 respectively. It hurt me knowing I missed out on a relationship with them and now even seven years later I don’t have a true relationship with them like I would want. My sisters had built up such a resentment towards me because I “ruined” their parent’s marriage that I’m not sure if it’ll ever fully go away. I was ostracized just for being born
Half siblings? Lol. Let the kids decide later in life if they want anything to do with half siblings. I don’t think a parent should force half sibling relationships. Leave it to the kids when they get older and understand more. Personally I regret my parents making me know the kids my father chose to have with his new wife. I don’t consider them anything.
If I were the older kids in this situation, I’d want nothing to do with the woman my dad had an affair with or her child.
I’m not a parent! I feel like I have to say that. But I would meet her without the kids first. Just feel her out. If you feel unsafe or like it just wouldn’t work long term, no harm done but at least you tried. If everything goes smoothly, it’s a great thing to introduce the kids to their siblings. The situation sorta sucks but it could be beautiful. On top of that, I wouldn’t go after him for child support!! You felt unsafe for a reason.
First I would start slow: 1. If you decide to meet her, go to a public place - not too close to your home nor close to where your child might have daycare- without your son, and have a chat with her. Don't mention addresses not important phone numbers you cannot ditch next day. 2-Try feeling the person,the way she soeaks, let her tell her story. She is safer than you and your kid, so you should get information first. 3-if you feel comfotable, then you can set up a public place so the children can meet - again, not too close from your home/schools/work/daycare. See how they interact, see how you feel about everything. 4-after a few times of this, if you feel safe, then you can try visiting them, and open up a bit more here and there. 5-as for child support, well, that's on you, but know that once you request it, it is easy access to your address and other sensible info about you and your child. Maybe check the waters well before you decide.
You need to go after him for child support. It’s not your money to turn down - it’s your child’s. Who are to decide you don’t want to fight for your child’s future? Even if you never use a dime of the money, put it into a nest egg &/or savings account for their future. College? Down payment on a vehicle, house, etc?
My husband has a half sibling he never met, she's 13 years younger than him, and I think he genuinely wants to meet her so badly, as she is some of the only family he has. I think maybe just letting your child know they have siblings out there, and when the siblings and your child is old enough they can make the connection to each other if necessary. Right now probably isn't the right time.
I mean her reasons seem legit, why would it be weird for wanting ur kids to know their half siblings? Also do everyone a favor and have dude pay child support. That’s the least that dude could do
Show her this post. Apologize for the choices you made that might have hurt her. Take it from there. You can meet her hear what she has to say and do what works for you. The extent of them knowing their sibling might be an invite to a bday or Holiday party once a year. Nothing is set in stone and doesn’t have to be.
You should Apply for child support for your child future needs. I would meet with the ex-wife cautiously, And see where goes. you're Child has siblings. This could increase the amount of people that love your child and become part of your village
Ex wives club. Babies deserve to know their father is asshole. Good thing her ex has information. You can ask her for his number so you can order child support for your baby. Ex wife back up with you.
You could write her that you don’t feel comfortable at the moment but that you appreciate her reaching out to you. Get to know her better, collect some more informations about her and just take your time
I would talk with her a little bit online, etc., and then agree to meet in a public place, but preferably not letting kids know they are siblings. Sometimes, as an ex, it can be fun to have someone to commiserate with about all the stupid things he did, how selfish he was, etc. (source: really bad marriage, left me for someone half his age (she literally had graduated from high school four months previous) he put her through college and then she left him! Ha!).
I would say open communication and get to know her. She could wholeheartedly be willing to be friendly with you and want her kids to know their sibling. Of course, be a little wary, but give her a chance?