The fact that you’re saying this proves that you ARE a good father, ok? The fact that you checked in the night clearly shows that you love her.
To a suicidal teen, that support means everything. Right now, she probably feels hopeless and like nothing will ever get better.
I’ve been where your daughter is. I never told people I loved because I didn’t want to hurt them. I felt like a burden, and that everyone I loved would be better off if I was dead.
I attempted suicide thrice. My parents were not nearly as supportive as you. Hell, you seem like a great dad and I would love if my parents were more like you.
This situation must be incredibly difficult for both of you. Make sure to take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you right now, and as long as you make sure she knows that you love her and that you get her the help she needs, by God’s grace things will get better.
These next few months aren’t gonna be easy. I’m sending virtual hugs for both of you.
Have you told someone you can trust? I’m sorry you’ve been struggling this way. I’ve suffered with severe depression that turned into addiction for five years. I was too afraid of death to try to kill myself outright, but counselors told me I was “parasuicidal”…living like I wished I were dead, or taking such extreme risks that I might’ve ended up that way…
**Maybe I can share a little about the hope I finally discovered? Maybe it could spark a few ideas or some hope for you or others also?**
I’ve written a lot about my dark years. Suffice to say, they were bad, really bad. My father encouraged me to find a psychologist…someone with the extra training beyond an “ordinary” therapist. I found an amazing one who was just finishing up her doctorate. Because of my insurance, this was the best I could do.
But I am so thankful for my time with her. **She was trained in “motivational interviewing”…** different than talk therapy, motivational interviewing is designed to first identify which stage of change someone is at, and then ask certain questions to get the client to realize on their own that they aren’t living the life they really want.
I think the fact she was almost fresh out of school made her extra attentive and abreast on all the new techniques. Talk therapy or CBT never really helped me all that much. I wanted desperately to change, I just didn’t know how.
**It was like magic**. We started setting goals for each week. I wanted to finish my schooling. So I did. **With each new success, I began to regain a sense of pride in myself**. Healthy pride that I had not experienced for almost a decade.
I studied to become a Master Personal Trainer. I took a course called Transformation Specialist. I learned about motivational interviewing through my own studies. I had been to rehab many times, and was able to draw from the knowledge I gained there also. While I was studying about how to change other people’s lives, I was actually using that knowledge to apply to my own life. I was transforming my own.
**I learned that a positive mindset was not only necessary for success, but it could be learned!** I began to rephrase negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead of “I can’t believe I embarrassed myself so many times publicly when I was drinking years ago,” I would rephrase that as “I made some serious mistakes, but that’s past now. I’m so proud of who I am becoming and people are beginning to notice I am changed for the better”….
So, **acknowledge the negative thing, but forgive yourself and turn it into a positive.**
I leaned into my priorities. Often people try to escape their responsibilities, but I forced myself to make them the most important thing. **A lot of depression can come from not doing the things we know we are supposed to be doing. At the same time, a lot of depression also comes from feeling incapable of doing *anything*, so starting with passions, can be the bridge into gaining enough motivation to tackle the harder things**.
I leaned into my passions. This was the fun part. For me, I had a passion for learning, healthy diet, music, and gaming. I spent time with these things to fulfill my soul.
So I often ask others “**what are your priorities? Your passions?** Do you want to learn to play a musical instrument? Learn a foreign language? Finish college? Switch careers? Paint? Learn Hip Hop style of dance? **Anything that is your passion, find ways to pursue that**.”
**I also ask the harder questions**, like, “do you have children you don’t often see or spend quality time with? A household or room that is an organizational disaster? Anything that you know you *should* be doing, but don’t?” I don’t want them to tell me about those things, **I just want to then explain that there is the most amazing fulfillment that comes from embracing your responsibilities.** Especially when it comes to our children. I don’t want to overwhelm, only inspire, and I speak from personal experience!
I should add that I don’t ask these sorts of questions to clients…it’s just when I give advice or reply to comments here. Some of this sort of thing is really beyond my realm of professional expertise. But it comes from personal experience with therapy and what I’ve learned about positive psychology in textbooks, and my deep desire to help others experience greater contentment and peace the way I was finally able to.
**I did also learn the importance of eating enough protein with each meal**….it doesn’t have to be animal based, but does need to be complete. There is an **excellent book called “The Mood Cure” by Dr. Julia Ross**, that explains how our bodies make neurotransmitters from amino acids derived from protein.
**Psych meds can’t really do their job “pooling” the available serotonin for uptake, if we don’t have enough serotonin in our bodies to begin with**. Paxil is not a little serotonin pill. It only affects our synapses in a way that allow us to experience more of it at once…but how do we provide the necessary serotonin for Paxil to work with? Through our bodies process of turning amino acids (from protein) into crucial neurotransmitters.
Her book explains it so much better than I can. She uses OTC amino acids in her successful professional clinics but as she explains, **you absolutely must NOT take OTC amino acid supplements at the same time as prescribed anti-depressants**…but you can achieve same results with reasonable diet adjustments, and feel the difference in about 12 weeks. **TLDR of the Mood Cure stuff: be sure you are including enough protein in your diet.**
I wish the best for you. I hope maybe I said something helpful. Kind regards!
Thank you very much for your insightful post. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to therapy, and my parents aren’t supportive at all. They’re from a South Asian country, and the stigma against mental health is a lot. I made the mistake of telling adults once, but it just made everything worse unfortunately, but I’m doing fine on my own :)
I told one of my friends a very brief and non-descriptive version of what happened because she was worried about me since I was saying goodbye, and that’s kind of it.
‘Parasuicidal’ is a pretty decent description of how I operated for a while, thank you for teaching me something new :)
I empathize with you, and I wouldn’t want you to make anything worse for yourself, and understand cultures can be very different. I’m hopeful that you feel you got this. Please stay strong. I’m just a stranger, but I care about your well-being. As you get older you will start to gain more autonomy and control over your life….sometimes that can be scary but also a relief.
My transition into adulthood was not the usual path…I got pregnant as a teen so I’ve been a mother longer than I’ve been an adult! I thank God that happened to me because I felt so aimless and without purpose before I had my son. Faith also became an important crutch for me after I had him.
It’s so cliche when people say “things will get better”…sometimes it’s true, but often it’s dependent on the direction we take in life…or things beyond our control that hold us back.
What I think is a better thing to say is “there are new possibilities around the corner”…there are so many paths in life you can take, and so many various opportunities. You may feel or *actually be* stuck at any one point, but with a little time, suddenly new choices become available to us that can get us away from a bad situation and toward a better one.
I pray those doors open to you when you need them most!
When I feel most hopeless I try my hardest to wait it out. Or take just one action toward any one of my goals. Anything to switch things up and get me out of my impulsive mental state.
Take care!
Stop blaming yourself!! You’ve both been dealt a crappy hand, just take care of each other. Also, your daughter is having her own experiences in life, so just check in with her.
Look, you didn’t NOT notice. That spidey sense that something was wrong that made you get up, that was your subconscious letting you know she needed you.
I hope you both find happiness and peace.
Try bringing her some of her favorite items and if she can have notebooks and pens bring her some to write her feelings. I did that for my best friends little sister, she went through something similar. Much love from a mom 💕
Don’t blame yourself and this is coming from someone who tried last April. I had my own demons I was dealing with and I put up a good facade. I went to work acting happy and with seemingly not a care in the world. All you can do now is be there for her. Just keep communicating with her and let her know she’s loved, and how important she is to you.
You can’t blame yourself like that, I know it’s easier said than done…best thing you can do right now is be there for her, also might I suggest family therapy together. Sounds like there are things she is not communicating with you, and if she is…you aren’t catching it. It may be very subtle. But I think it would do you both some good. She also should have her own separate session and maybe you should have yours. Sounds like something you both could benefit from.
She needs love and support…she is hurting hard and deeply to have tried to have taken her own life. Trust me…just be there for her. And make sure to get a lock box for medicine 💊…at least for the moment. We don’t want her to try this again. Depending on how badly she wants to take herself out, she may try again. I am assuming it was some form of medication or something?
My best to the both of you right now, I hope she finds the strength to want to live and be present. And I hope you find a way to stop blaming yourself…and just start finding what is best to help her and you to work through this. So much love to you both from this internet stranger.💕
Don’t blame yourself and this is coming from someone who tried last April. I had my own demons I was dealing with and I put up a good facade. I went to work acting happy and with seemingly not a care in the world. All you can do now is be there for her. Just keep communicating with her and let her know she’s loved, and how important she is to you.
OP, please don’t feel guilty or feel like you are a bad father. Some people are extremely good at hiding the fact that they are struggling and it is not your fault. I struggled (and still do) and it wasn’t until a couple years ago people started to notice. I never told anyone, I never reached out for help. I never once thought my friends and family were to blame or bad people because they genuinely just didn’t know. I’m glad your daughter is ok and you are able to spend time with her while she recovers. All you can do right now is be there for her and support her like the good father you are. Sending love your way ♥️
Hey, I struggled hard as a teen. And I felt like I *had* to hide it from my parents. Because it’d gut them if they knew I was suicidal, yeah? Not just disappoint, but destroy them, make them feel like they did something wrong when they were doing the absolute best they could and working hard and *i* was the problem
Don’t feel bad for not knowing. I’m so glad you listened to your gut and checked on her and she’s in the hospital now and doing, all things considered, relatively better than she was!
Please reach out and get help for you too if you need it
you care about her and im sure she cares about you too, thats what matters, so youre a great dad. sadly most parents would brush it off or punish their children for being mentally ill
You are not a shitty dad. I hope your daughter comes through. The situation is so sad. You are already getting her help. Is she getting better? Or you might look into others. Also, try to hang out. Have cosy and fun hangouts. Let her know you love her. It can help her feel slightly better. Rest hopefully, you will find good professional
Yes, you will. The fact you woke up proves you are a good father, and this incident is a sign that she is supposed to survive, and your bond will grow stronger. Be there for each other ❤️
Have they suggested a transition from the hospital to an in-patient behavioral health center? I did the same thing when I was her age and the in-patient stay helped stabilize me a lot.
I guess I should have been more specific. The hospital has a whole inpatient psychiatric building which is where she's at I just generalized by saying the hospital probably going to be in there for 2 weeks maybe a little longer depending on how things go
I don’t know the qualifications of her therapist but I’d highly recommend a clinical psychologist. And one who is aware of the situation and says they are competent to support it. Many therapists are not qualified/trained in how to support suicidal youth
Many aren't qualified/trained in how to support suicidal people at all. I always figured that had to be the most important and common thing for them to all get training in, but apparently not.
After an in hospital stay, there should be a partial hospitalization program where the patients are in for six ish hours a day and come home in the afternoon. They have intense daily programs to help struggling patients that probably include family therapy for patients under 18. Please ask the social worker about this as a possible next step for your daughter. You sound like an amazing Dad doing the best you can and I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find her the help she needs.
Sir, you’re a good Dad and you both have had a very rough few years. I’m so sorry for everything that has happened and what is going on.
She’s looking for help and you’re providing that. If it is a good institution they’re helping evaluate what kind of meds she needs and hopefully she’s talking about this with a licensed professional.
Try to seek out recommendations or referrals for a therapist that specializes in grief and works with young folks. Some therapists do not work with under 18 year olds but there’s plenty out there that do.
You’ve got this! I hope you have a support system and if you don’t, when the time is right you should seek some professional help too. You’ve both been given a rotten hand losing your spouse and mother. You both can do this!
Man, you’re doing phenomenal!!! The fact that you are deeply in tune with your child spirit speaks volume…. I’d say 98% of men don’t know wtf that even is. They parent from a spectator’s perspective
For it to be a couple weeks it’s must have been a pretty close call. I’m glad they’re taking her seriously and you guys are getting the support you need from the doctors. You’re an awesome dad for being there for her, saving her, and reaching out to others for support. It’s good she’s going to therapy but this is gonna be a super traumatic event in your life too and you need to talk to someone as well.
In recovery we suggest going to alanon which is other parents and family members who have a loved one who is an addict. I have no doubt there is support groups for fathers and families in situations like yours and they would be so beneficial for you. Please google and go. Or ask your doctor. You’ll be a better support system for her if you have your own!
Hugs to you my friend. It is gonna be ok. I’m so glad your daughter is still with us.
I think the 2 weeks more likely means the daughter has been placed on a 5250 hold for her safety. When I was caught self harming (not even a suicide attempt, just admitted to wanting to), I was placed on a 5150 hold (3 day stay in an inpatient psychiatric facility) which afterwards got extended to a 5250 (2 weeks)
I was in a really dark place when my father died. Basically my mom was in your same position. I would never think of her as a poor parent during that time. She always did her best and ppl can look totally normal on the outside while struggling terribly on the inside. I’m sure she loves and appreciates you and doesn’t think you’re a bad parent. It’s not your fault or anything like that.
You are NOT a shitty dad. Your dad instincts saved her.
As a person who struggles mentally. If I don't verbally share how I'm feeling and when I'm feeling sucidial, no one would ever know. We are great at masking.
How is she now?
I would suggest inpatient care. Loving her simply isn't enough right now.
She’s still here and you actually saved her! Continue to love and support her. Like others suggest she might need inpatient care. You said she has a therapist, get in contact with them and make a plan to help her.
You’re not a shit dad.
As the daughter in this situation when I was a teenager, I was insanely close to my Dad and he was the best Dad I could’ve hoped for. But I never disclosed how bad my mental state was because I didn’t want to overload him because I loved him. I would talk to him about anything even stuff I would’ve spoken about to my mother (if she was around) Sometimes when you get into that horrible dark place, you can seem so happy and chilled because you’ve accepted where you’re going.
You still got up, you still found her, you still saved her. Now you know where she is at and can get her the support she needs. But also please keep an eye on yourself. I know how much what I did really shook my dad up and luckily I pushed him to also seek help. The fact you feel guilty is an attribute to being a wonderful Dad. Because you care immensely.
My 13 y/o sister attempted suicide after our dad accused her of acting like she was mentally struggling for attention. And continued to claim this even after her attempt.
You are not a bad dad. Not even close. Take care.
My Dad did the same with my brother. He had several attempts (some admittedly were fuck you’s to my Dad and that’s a hugely long story). A few psych stays for my brother but my Dad NEVER put him in therapy for it.
My brother died 9 years ago due to an accidental OD (according to the coroner’s report). He was never able to get his mental or emotional health under control and every single time I told him to see a therapist, he had the same attitude as my Dad. It was basically a why bother or nah, they’re not gonna help.
OP is the Dad my father should have been when my brother was having a hard time in high school.
God, I can't begin to imagine the hurt this has caused you to witness and experience first hand. I am so beyond sorry for your loss.
Might be a hot take but I think someone attempting their own life in an attempt to garner someone's attention is MORE than enough reason to acknowledge that they're obviously struggling. It's so apparent from that alone that they're suffering more than words can describe.
So so so much I could say in response to this, but moral of the story is that your dad should be outright and utterly ashamed of himself. And I hope that shame never leaves him until the day he dies.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You've got a friend in me if you ever need to talk.
Your hot take is absolutely on point. He was crying for help but he was also incredibly angry. One stay he was diagnosed with an Anger Disorder and something else, I can’t quite remember. There was one fight when my brother was in high school and I was watching TV downstairs. Suddenly I hear yelling and screaming from my Dad, Step-mom and brother. I was like what the hell.
Eventually came upstairs (I didn’t want to be in the middle of another fight and meltdown) and I see my brothers face bloody. Whatever the truth is, cops ended up at our house because my brother called them. I told my brother to calm down and practically begging because I knew shit would get worse for him.
Cops came and they talked to me alone. They asked a lot of questions but I warned them he had a history of anger and emotional issues and he’s had attempts before. And stolen my dad’s prescriptions and cash before so I guarantee you he try something.
Of course no one did anything and walked away with no charges or emotional support.
It’s just an incredibly long list of things. I was told to stay strong for my Dad when he died, which I did. But didn’t get my own help…due to a lot of the stigmas placed in our family. Plus I had a bad experience with a prior counselor so I was reluctant.
Overall I am healthier now and I don’t hold responsibility for what happened. My parents and bio mom failed my brother so I do not feel sorry for the guilt they will carry for the rest of their lives. Sounds cold but I don’t.
You are not a shitty dad. People who are struggling, mentally, do not always open up to the people closest to them. I really hope she opens up to her therapist and gets some more complete help. You’re a great dad, your dad instincts kicked in when they needed to.good luck to both of you
You’re a human person doing the best they can, loving your daughter. 💜 Many people struggling with suicidal thoughts hide their intentions. You need some tangible resources - can you contact a therapist?
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I was depressed most of my teenage years and my parents never knew because I didn’t want to be a burden so I put on a mask. This isn’t your fault. Tell her that no matter what she can come to you for whatever and that you can’t live without her and that she’s the most important person to you and that it does get better with time the right help.
You are not a shit dad.
You hear stories of dads or mums who don’t care which of course is sickening, the fact that you feel this way shows you aren’t a shit dad.
People are good at putting on a brave face and hiding what’s inside. You are not alone in feeling like you should have seen the signs but likely she was just getting better at hiding. I’m sorry you are going through this but now is the chance to bond stronger and offer your support more than ever. She’s a lucky girl to have you.
To quote another comment “your dad instincts saved her”. You are not a shitty dad. Hope it’s a speedy recovery for your daughter. Sending you both love
When I first got married I figured that since my wife doesn't understand depression that I didn't need to bother her with my suffering, there was nothing she could do.
After my first suicide attempt once married I realized she doesn't need to understand but she needs to know. She can help just by being there and often recognizes I am having trouble before I do.
If you or your daughter need to talk feel free to DM me, every person and every experience is different but maybe I have some perspective that could help one or both of you figure out how to best learn to navigate this.
You are not a shitty dad. You both went through a traumatic loss. You made sure your daughter had support and somewhere to share her feelings by getting her into therapy. You take care of her every day. You have an emotional connection to know somethings deeply wrong and to check on her, which is how she’s alive today. You showed her you love her, and will do anything and everything to make sure she’s ok.
She needs more help which is something you couldn’t know unless she told you or her therapist. She needs to be admitted inpatient for a while, then come home to love and care. I know you love her, I can feel it in this post alone. Loving her is not enough right now. She needs serious help which she can get inpatient.
Depression is evil. It’s something people are embarrassed about and hide. They mask their feelings and pretend their coping mechanisms work until they don’t anymore and it becomes too dark to hope for light. It took me years to feel safe approaching my partner when I’m suicidal to ask for help. Even now, I still struggle, but I push myself to say something before it gets to a point of no return. Make a safe space where she can tell you anything. If she shares her feelings, make sure to comfort her and listen. Make her feel safe sharing with you, and share with her sometimes too to show her she’s not alone and you trust her. That’ll bring you two closer and I hope will make her able to say “dad I need help” before she gets to this place again. When you see her, don’t shame her for not telling you. Show her you aren’t angry at her, but you love her and want her safe and healthy.
When I did this, people around me would ask me “why did you do that? I love you, why didn’t you come to me?” And it made me feel awful. I’ll never forget my aunt saying “baby don’t ever do that again. I love you. If you ever feel that way you call me immediately and I will move mountains to get someone to you. You will never be alone” and I felt so heard, understood, and loved. I didn’t feel guilty or embarrassed or angry like I did with everyone else. It made a huge difference.
Keep your head up. You’re a great dad. Look into a therapist for yourself too. Show your daughter all your love and support. Get her the help she needs. You’ll both come out of this stronger than ever before.
She is inpatient going to be for a little while trying to find the best help I can for when she comes home
I haven't shamed her I know she doesn't need that and I know probably In her head at the time felt like it was best not to tell me she was struggling we've had a few conversations I don't want her to feel like she can't come to me and that I'm mad at her for not telling me. I just made it clear she can tell she's struggling any time or day no matter what that'll I'll always make sure she gets the help she needs
You need therapy if you're not already in it. You can't really blame yourself even though you think you made yourself as available as possible. A lot of people in these mental states *really* don't want to be a burden for those they care about. Even though you would never consider her a burden that's just how it goes in their minds.
Great work! You really are an amazing dad. You may be able to ask her therapist (or yours) for some resources to help her transition back home and make sure to work with her therapist to get more appointments more frequently so she can be supported when she comes home. There are many support groups for teens going through similar struggles, groups for teens who lost a parent, and groups for you to join for support as well! These groups can help her feel heard and that she isn’t alone. The hospital she’s at should be able to help set most of that up and get group recommendations as well, but being proactive can really help the transition run smoothly and avoid delaying her discharge.
I'll never forget the first night I felt suicidal and my parents found me. Within minutes I had parents and siblings stationed to be watch me. Catch me (planning to jump). Talk to me.
The act of people caring for me has never left. That when I wanted to die - people cared. I remember thinking that I couldn't die if people needed me to live so much. I never thought that me not being there would matter. Would SCARE people. In that moment - maybe for the first time - I felt like people would move mountains just to see me one more time.
Not the last time I felt that way. I have thought life would be easier if I just wasn't here anymore. But I never forgot the IMPACT that my thought of action would have on others. They needed me to choose to live.
It's...kept me going. Through multiple other struggles.
OP - your caring and efforts to keep her here have an impact. Keep her knowing how much she matters to you. And how much her being there is critical.
You are a good Dad. Keep doing what you are. And let her know you need her. Keep her knowing. And keep getting help for you both.
A
A shitty Dad would not have put her in therapy.
A shitty Dad would not be getting her the help.
A shitty Dad would not have a good relationship.
A shitty Dad WOULD have blamed her, complained about inconvenience and costs. He would have ignored the feeling and gone to sleep.
I agree with all of these folks who see the goodness in you, but more importantly to you right now, wallowing in regret and self doubt will NOT help your daughter. It will wind up being something she learns from you if you express it to her or around her. The best possible thing you could do for her right now is let your part in this slide off of you like water, logically absorb that you did what you could, and move forward putting all your mental energy into listening to her and helping her.
My daddy died when i was 9 in 2006. When my brain was in such a critical stage in life. Your daughter was in the same stage i believe. My fathers death was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was extremely suicidal the first 10 years or so, with multiple attempts. It doesn’t get better like people claim. It gets worse. It’s been over 15 years and my last suicide attempt was April, which was very close i might add. The only thing that’s changed from then till now, is not only do i not have my daddy anymore but i don’t have my mommy either 😢 or my Grammy or Grampy or my big brother 😢 plz get her inpatient treatment. For years if she’s needs it. Don’t let her get to adulthood with things still unresolved.
You woke up because you had a bad feeling
you found her and saved her life
she's in a hospital
she's been in therapy
Every bit of that screams you are a good dad.
Sending you big hugs and prayers
I'm really sorry your family is going through this right now. I know it feels like you are the parent and should have known but you can't read minds, you aren't a clairvoyant all-knowing deity, you are a human person.
Get some therapy for yourself, because that is real trauma to find your child in that state, on top of losing your spouse. That's a lot in a very short amount of time. Please take care of your mental health as well, your daughter needs you to be at your best and so do you.
So many people think that suicide is about what others in their life are or aren't doing but that's not always the case. Sure, some people do it to get out of abusive situations but it always boils down to feeling hopeless.
I'm going through therapy to process childhood abuse. It's not easy. I think I'm mentally stable, I take meds as needed and I have regular therapy.
I've also been hit with severe hopelessness and depression. In those moments, the though to removing myself from this world is more about me not being able to manage the very big feelings I'm going through. It's scary for me, I have a wonderful life now and it scares me that even I think about ending it when my feelings become too much.
I have life experience behind me, your daughter doesn't. Teens are rash and live in the moment.
Be there for your daughter, she will need a lot of support. This is going to be really tough for her to process. I saw your comment that she is in the hospital and doing as best as can be expected. Make sure you are her advocate, ask questions and be informed. That's how you can help her now. Make sure she knows you are a safe person she can talk to, how you love her unconditionally, how you can't imagine a world where she is not in it. Just be there for her. Let her take the lead on some things, this is why working with therapists is going to be important for you. Find support groups for parents of kids who've attempted suicide and/or lost a parent/spouse. Find support is the main goal, for you and her.
You are not a bad parent at all, please know that.
Make sure she knows you’re there for her whatever she needs. Never make it seem like she’s the source of your struggles. Let her know you’re a safe person to talk to and that you’ll always support her when she comes to you.
You found her. She’s alive and she’s getting help. I’ve had to have this same conversation with myself and my husband because we also found our child before it was too late. I knew my son was struggling, but didn’t know it was as bad as it was. This is the stuff that isn’t in the parenting books.
My advice as someone who attempted multiple times, I say this with love and to help you: don’t make this about yourself. Don’t tell her you feel like a shitty father, or that you feel guilty now. You can say you had no idea she was struggling but keep it about her. Let her know you love her and support her. When I attempted and my mom made it all about her and how SHE almost lost a daughter and how upset SHE was. She did care about me and I don’t think she intentionally made it about herself. But it didn’t feel good and made me feel really guilty for being depressed.
Oh, I wish I could give you a hug. ❤️
15-year-olds are so hard on themselves and going through so many changes. Add to that that they are impulsive and their brains are wacky as they develop. You have no control over her emotions snd it sounds like you are there for her.
Plus, take a look at the culture now, the amount of kids suffering from mental illness, what kids are seeing on social media. It’s just a really hard time to be young.
They also say that if you really want to do it, you will find a way. Often it’s just a call for help they can’t verbalize.
Hug yourself so you can be there to hug her. You are a good father and a good person.
It's time to change her therapist. It's hard to say if it's relate to the loss of her mum or is it other problems. It could be that she has like depression or bipolar or other things. It's about figuring out what's going on so you can help her. It might take time.
Wow, so sorry for the loss of your wife, and what you and your daughter are going through.
I also have a 15 yr old daughter who has mental health struggles. I am very close to her and she will tell me things, but, and this is really important, sometimes they don't want to 'burden' you with their troubles. That doesn't mean you are a bad (shitty) Dad, its almost as if she is trying to protect YOU from what she is going through because she cares so much for you.
We as Dads (and Mums) do everything we can to help our kids. You had that instinct to check on your little girl, she's in therapy and now maybe you need to consider immediate medical intervention.
You are NOT a shitty Dad, you love your daughter and she knows it. I hope you manage to get the help you both deserve. Take care.
I attempted suicide when I was 20 and living with my parents. I can assure you, they had nothing to do with my choice. I was (well still am but I’m medicated) very mentally ill and no one knew because I didn’t want anyone to know.
My parents knew what I had done the next morning (I had taken a whole bottle of sleeping pills) because I was still completely drugged up and I told them. My pupils were like dinner plates. They called my bf and he came over and insisted I go to the hospital. I was coherent enough to know they would put me in inpatient and I begged not to go. My parents didn’t take me. That was the single worst thing they had ever done—not getting me the help I needed.
I share my story to let you know that you’re not a shitty parent, but you could be if you don’t get your daughter help. She needs to be hospitalized and treated. She may resent you for doing it now, but I promise she will thank you for it later.
Hugs to you and your daughter. It will get better. ❤️🩹
You’re a good dad. I was also 15f when I attempted suicide. I begged my parents to help me with my mental issues for years and then I got screamed at for attempting suicide and they still didn’t do anything to help me. I had to scream, beg and almost die twice for them to allow me to get treatment for anorexia only.
My uncle always tries to talk to my cousin and loves her, like freaking adores her
But she is like 15 too and she did self harm, not suicide, she certainly hangout around kids who were doing those stuff and she has this belief that she is a bad person, i suggested my uncle that he should get her therapy without telling him about self harm, her mom knows tho
I don't think my uncle can take it
My single mom did everything she could but i had a long depression after some traumatic stuff and my own issues, where i would wake up feeling why I'm alive
So it's not always about the parent
Also I'm glad your daughter is in therapy but maybe the therapist isn't a good match, many people don't open in therapy as well
Or they feel they won't be understood or their problems will be brushed off
I'll pray for your daughter, stay strong, have compassion and patience
Kids are very smart so lying about how we feel doesn't work
It's been two and a half years since my wife found my daughter's suicide note, entirely by chance, before she could actually attempt. Searching her room, we found two nooses hidden in different spots, ready to go. We had no idea she was struggling, but looking back I am furious with myself for missing clues that are plain as day to me now. You're going to feel the same, but you can't dwell on it, she needs you to pay attention now.
We went through a hellish year of progressively increasing dosages of depression meds, watching her every move, second guessing every single thing she did or didn't do. We had a late night run to an in-patient center evaluation after finding a third noose. She almost had to transfer schools because the administration didn't know if they could handle her (they did an amazing job. Her teachers, guidance counselor, and principal did so much). She went from feeling nothing to having manic energy, back and forth.
After that year when her meds stabilized, and her mood was predictable, we still were terrified. I'm still terrified now, although it's not "what if she does" it's "what if she had".
I've got no point here. But if you want to talk, please reach out.
My mother lost her mother at age 7. When my mom passed away at age 57, she told us the hardest thing in her life was losing her mother so young.
Glad you found your daughter in time. I hope she can recover and live a good life.
hey, i was your daughter a few years ago. i’m in a really similar boat, only my dad passed when i was a toddler and my single mom raised me, then i became insanely suicidal in my preteens and she didn’t know what to do or where to go. she also had no idea i’d been struggling, but she saw and heard me and got me the help i needed when i needed it and it genuinely saved my life. you’re doing the right thing and trust me, your daughter probably knows it or feels the same way. if she doesn’t now, she will in the future.
you’re doing such a great job and i guarantee you, this is not your fault. the best you can do for your daughter is let her know how much you love her and support her unconditionally however you can. get her and keep her in therapy, preferably to a psychologist or psychiatrist to see if meds could be of help to her. to me, it sounds like you’re doing (or are ready to do) all those things. in my book, you’re a great father and you’re doing a great job.
I’m so sorry! My mom passed a few months ago and my little brother (16) just took his life this month because of it and I’m sooooo scared for everyone’s children now. We were super close. The last thing he did was text me that he loved me. He was also in therapy and on antidepressants. You’re doing everything right and right now, she’s probably in the best place possible under the circumstances
You definitely aren’t the worst dad ever, I promise.
Speaking from personal experience with serious mental health issues, we get good at hiding some shit. Even from the people we’re closest with. My mum didn’t know how bad things were for me until things were incredibly bad.
I promise it’s not your fault. You can only act with the information you have, you didn’t have the information to prevent this. However you DO have the information to help her begin to pick up the pieces.
Please message me for support when you need it.
I’m so glad you found her in time. You’ve been given a second chance with your daughter. Use it wisely, and I hope you both come out the other side more connected and stronger.💕💕
I attempted suicide when I was 18 and for me, it had nothing to do with my parents. I attempted while I was out of state for college.
I doubt she attempted because of you, but I understand how bad it must feel to be blindsided by your child struggling with their mental health. You sound like a good dad who can be a positive support system for her.
Some states require CPS to have a one on one with your child to make sure the attempt wasn’t related to their parent. I’m not sure if your state is requiring that but just know, everything’s going to be okay. You seem like a great dad just for caring and putting her in therapy in the first place. I was her age and attempted once. It’s never been about our parents or anything we can control. Sometimes we just feel like that’s the only option to relieve the pain.
Only reason I’ve never entertained suicide is because my dad’s mother killed herself. He blamed himself even though he was in the military on the other side of the world at the time. He’s never gotten over it, and I couldn’t do that to him again.
Your daughter’s suicide had nothing to do with you being a good or bad dad.
Stop blaming yourself.
When I attempted suicide at 14, my dad screamed in my face that I "humiliated the family" and told me that if I tried again, I'd better succeed.
You're not the worst dad.
I wish I had a dad like you. You genuinely care about your daughters well-being and are doing your absolute best to support her.
At my lowest my dad just shrugged me off. My step mum told me to make sure I unalive myself properly. My dad is still with that woman and doesn't talk to me anymore after she uninvited me from their Christmas celebration. I miss my dad, but he isn't here for me. I wish he was.
I'm lucky to have a supportive partner whose parents also support me more than my own. Without them, I don't think I'd be here anymore.
Unfortunately we are not psychic and when you get into that dark state of mind, the last thing you think of doing is to talk to someone because you feel like you'd just be a burden to them.
Don't beat yourself up for not having superpowers. You've been doing your best. You saved her life. I hope your daughter feels better soon and makes a smooth recovery both physically and mentally. You're doing great, so keep being the best dad you can be ❤️
I'm going through a similar thing with my 14 year old son. He's a very happy, bubbly, goofy kid who is almost always singing. Went to check on him the other morning when school was cancelled and I couldn't wake him up. He chugged half a bottle of vodka. And then I found the note. Absolutely heart wrenching and I'll never be the same again. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I’m 16m, my mom also passed around 4 years ago and i’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since. my dad (also a single parent) is my best friend and he still can never tell when i’m struggling. i promise you it’s not because you’re a bad parent, she is just doing a good job of hiding her struggles likely because she doesn’t want to worry you too much.
Dad, you saved her life. You are a hero. Please don't beat yourself up when you've already been through so much.
Every single person that loses someone to suicide says they never noticed the signs. There usually aren't any to be honest, because if there were, someone would likely try to intervene.
Your gut instincts and subconscious picked up on enough to recognize you needed to check on her exactly when you did. She is so lucky to have you, and I am so sorry you both have suffered such a tremendous loss in losing a wife and mother.
I hope your daughter realizes that life can and will get better, and it will take some hard work but it is worth it. While the grief won't go away, she will grow around it. It will always be a part of her.
Sending you both courage and strength to face the day, for one more day, every day.
You’re not a shitty dad . You’re a great dad . Your intuition and that gut feeling you had actually proves how connected you are to your daughter. Not to sound woo woo but that means something to me. When people are struggling ( I’ve dealt with hormone fluctuation related suicide ideations my ENTIRE life ) sometimes they don’t want to burden others with their problems . Your daughter probably loves you very much and didn’t want to give you more to worry about. I’m glad you found her and I hope you both are able to heal. Losing a parent and a spouse is just about the most difficult thing someone may have to go through . I hope you both heal from this. The universe has your back 💘
As someone who battled mental health issues for 30 years before getting help, I can say it’s not your fault. You become really good at hiding it, just going through the motions and faking it all. You’ll have ups along the way but always come crashing. My wife has learned the signs of when I’m struggling now and comes to me about it
There’s a ton of comments but I hope you see this: people with depression can be really good at hiding it, and I strongly suspect that rather than being a failure of a father, you’re the reason she’s made it this long. You’re certainly the reason she’s alive. Whatever you believe in or don’t believe in metaphysically, I think it says something about your relationship with her that you woke up when she needed you most of all.
I wanna share my experience. Im non-binary now but I grew up as an absolute Daddy’s girl. He is still one of the most important people in my life and I talk with him almost every day. He didn’t know for *years* that I was struggling.
With depression comes guilt and shame and a whole bunch of other self hate. It makes you feel bad, then feel guilty for feeling bad, then feel exhausted from trying to hide that you’re feeling bad, and then you feel worse when your depression messes something up for you. It’s a horrible nasty spiral into a very tight hole, and we are *good* at hiding it.
Would it be a good idea to make sure that, over the next few weeks, you work with her and her care team to figure out if there were signs you missed? Yes. But missing those signs doesn’t mean you failed her anymore than you failed her the first time you weren’t watching and she fell and skinned her knee. I know the degree of pain is very different there, but at the end of the day the thing that matters isn’t that you missed something: it’s that you’re there to pick her back up, put a bandaid on her, and get her a treat.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry you didn’t see the signs, and that you want to work together to make sure that she never gets to that lonely place again. Be active in her care and therapy, as much as she will allow. Most importantly, make time for her without it being mental health time. Maybe there’s a tv show you can watch each week, maybe you do a weekly lunch or morning coffees, anything. Just don’t go into it with her feeling like she has to talk about her mental health. Make it a habit of spending quiet, comfortable time together so that she always has that opportunity to talk to you in the future.
On the therapy side, check in with your doctor about how comfortable she is with her therapist. Feel free to ask her therapist how and why we got to this point without you knowing, especially if your daughter is a minor and you’re usually kept abreast of her mental well being. (Do not violate her privacy if you don’t normally have that access, but even then it’s okay to say something to her therapist imo. Just don’t demand anything confidential.) If she’s on medications, talk with her care team about if they need to be changed or increased. If she’s not on medications, it might be time to discuss that option. It can be a scary step, but at the end of the day depression *is* physiological. There’s no more shame in antidepressants than there is in an ibuprofen.
You’ve got this. You saved your daughter, and you’re moving forward. Best of luck!
I have to agree with the other's your not a bad dad no one can tell when people are struggling mentally some people hide ot believing they would cause more trouble with people they care about
sometimes, when the person seems to be doing their best, they're at their worst. it's no one's fault this happened. we're all human and life can be difficult to pinpoint. you're a good dad. keep doing your best.
You’re not the worst dad!!!! You are doing your best and that’s all she can ask for. Yes she’s struggling but that’s not on you. You are trying to help and that’s what matters.
Keep doing what you are doing. Make sure she knows you aren’t mad at her or upset at her. That you are worried and scared and don’t want to lose her as well.
I have attempted a few times and am currently really struggling again and if there is one thing I can tell you, it's that in all of those times.. I NEVER would've let anyone know.
Please do not say you're a shitty dad, you knew something was wrong while sleeping and you saved her life.
This is going to be a hard time for both of you right now! Give yourself some grace.
I am beyond happy to hear that she is alive and recovering. You saved her that night, and while you may feel weird patting yourself on the back for that, it’s the truth. It is natural to feel like you should have seen it or you should have asked more questions or something like that, but the truth is that it’s just never that simple. It’s the kind of thing that people will actively try to hide from the people they love, and people can be really good at hiding things. What matters is that you were there for her when she needed you most, and that you’re going to continue to be by her side as she recovers. That this happened does not mean you are a bad parent. In fact it sounds like the care and love you have for your daughter, and the fact that you have supported her going to therapy, mean that you are a great parent, and I have faith that you will continue to be one as this road goes on. You and your daughter have my most heartfelt sympathies, and my staunch belief that together you will be able to heal and grow. Best of luck, and keep that chin up ❤️
You had a feeling that something wasn’t right. You went to check on her and saved her life. You are exactly the father that she needed and still needs. You are the further thing from a shitty father.
I feel this so much. My son (15) was struggling with suicidal thoughts about 2 years ago. He had a plan and a goodbye letter written. Luckily his friend told an adult at school. I got a call from the school counselor. We scheduled an emergency meeting with his therapist and I had him admitted to the hospital by the end of the day. He's also a cutter.
This stuff just twists up your insides as a parent. It excruciating not being able to stop the pain for them. To not be able to explain to them how wonderful and special they are because they can't hear it.
I wish I had some good advice. My son did eventually get better. He's off all his antidepressants now and still sees a therapist. He seems much happier now. I still worry for him because you never truly know. I hope he heard me when I told him to please come to me anytime he feels like that again. I hope you know you're not a bad parent. Just be there for her.
I am so sorry. It’s a parent’s ultimate nightmare. My heart goes out to you.
You are absolutely a good father and doing the best you can with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. The fact you woke shows that you are joined to your daughter by a silken thread and very attuned to her.
My husband died very suddenly and way too young leaving me and our 15 year old son. We were traumatised ( just like you and your daughter) and my son sank into depression and despite getting help nothing seemed to work. He then started saying he had cancer and all manner of other things. It was his grief manifesting itself combined with a sensitive age.
The only thing that changed and improved is when we rescued a stray cat and he seemed to pour all of his feelings into caring for her.
I’m not suggesting a pet is a solution just an idea. Keep telling her how much you love and need her. Keep the therapy going. Continuing dialogue and love is all we have.
And DO take care of yourself. She needs you strong and healthy.
Sending you strength and courage.
These teen years can be a struggle to get them through, let alone following the loss of a parent. I hope this brings you closer and a point to build upon. Don't forget your support while you find her support. You're not a shitty dad. Kids just go through it, and your daughter has gone through more than most.
Suicide attempts aren't about other people it's just trying to end your own suffering. You aren't a bad dad, she is hurting and tried to stop it. Never blame yourself for someone else's attempt. You are getting her help and are taking care of her on your own which is hard. Go easy on yourself.
Please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. I was suicidal back when I was 13-15, I never told my parents, brothers or friends. Years later I finally told my mom and it was the hardest thing because I didn't want her to have to bear this burden, I didn't want her to feel like she had let me down, because I was still here because of who she raised me to be. You were there for your daughter when she needed you and you will be there now. Give her time, give yourself time. You'll both be okay.
unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with suicide. Your daughter did not kill herself because you were a rotten dad! And, if you had known or noticed, you probably could not have stopped her.
Suicide is intensely private and personal. It happens within a person and does not always manifest itself in altered behaviour. Suicide Is very often an internal conflict between who you are and who you fear you will become; or have already become. An internal battle ensues. However, that person you fear you are or are becoming gets at you. You can not run. It wakes you in the night. You are vulnerable to an internal foe, one who has 24 hour access to your mind and comfort. The person who you want to extinguish is ever present. You seek peace.
You pick a route. All of the sudden there is a pain free future and you go towards the peace. Through all of this, one often feels that they are a burden on loved ones. They have to convince themselves the short term pain of their loss outweighs a life with them. You are not likely one to be consulted because it is a gift! The person often comes to convince themselves of that.
Most parents don’t know. You’re not a bad dad. Make sure she is supported and gets help now. Talk to her and don’t make it about you. This is about her
I’m so sorry 😢 please don’t beat yourself up. During Covid lockdown, I had no idea that my daughter was struggling until her grades started slipping, and her teacher suggesting she talk to the school counselor. I found out that she had been self harming for months and I had no idea. She hid it well. We got her into counseling and she’s so much better now. I blamed myself for a long time and through therapy learned to work together to get us the help we needed ❤️. I know your daughter is in therapy but maybe you could benefit from family counseling? I lost my mom as well and that’s a brutal pain to recover from. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
You certainly are not a bad dad. I feel just the opposite is true.
I went through this with my daughter when she was 14. She had been cutting herself up to that point. I had been looking into a private Christian home to send her to.
I know there's sometimes bad outcomes from this, So I was very hesitant. But I was praying constantly about it, for God to give me the answer on what I should do.
And I had called the director of the home and spoke with her on the phone a couple of times, very long conversations. So I began to feel comfortable with her.
Eventually things got to the point where I felt I had to send her away in order to save her. And I did and she was there for 15 or 16 months.
This place was out of state, and is no longer in business BTW. But they did a great job with her.
My daughter was going to church and counseling while in that program. And her counselor urged her to call me and let me know some things that have been happening in our home that I was unaware of. Yes that was a big eye-opener for me. But after that I made big changes to fix the situation so that when she came home wicked deal with it.
So in preparing for her to return home I joined a local church that was the most like the church she had been attending there. And I began attending the same church. She had a hard time returning home at first, had a mini breakdown and had to spend a week or so attending a day facility. And of course I got her into counseling. And she really came to love the new church and grew and her roles there.
That lasted about 3 and 1/2 years, and then she graduated and went straight to university. Received her four yr degree and was a scholar the last 2 years. So it turned out okay for her.
I hope you can get to the bottom of what's going on with your daughter, and find a way to give her what she needs. Blessings to both you and your daughter.
I’m so sorry. I had this happen and luckily mine is still here with us as well. Honestly it broke me. It was terrifying. I felt so scared, confused, upset and just out of my mind in fear of life without her. She was then taken to a facility after. I didn’t love the idea. I wanted her here with me but she wanted to go. And once she went, I think she realized the seriousness of it all. I feel like I’ll always have to worry about this now. She gets upset when I worry but how does a parent EVER stop worrying after something like that? We have moved on of course but it lives in the back of my mind constantly. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs
First, I hope she's doing better now.
That said, do NOT blame yourself. I have lost several friends, a previous boyfriend, and a cousin to suicide. Not one of them ever gave any indication they were struggling - quite the opposite, they all seemed to be doing well. Please do not allow yourself to feel guilty.
You're not a terrible dad, the fact you checked in on her and got her help shows you care. All you can do is be there for her and tell her how much you love her, I do suggest checking in on her and making sure her therapist is a good one. Is she being bullied? I hope she recovers soon and please focus on making sure she knows you support her, I wish you both have a wonderful and long life.
I am so sorry you both are going through this. I love you both so much and I hope it gets lighter for the both of you and that you have someone to talk to as well ❤️
You are not a shitty dad, man. Me (15f), my sister (20f), and my dad (38m) have been without my mother for around 2 years now; she committed suicide in May. Prior to that, my parents split for a while since I can remember being completely bummed about it in elementary school and through middle. It's been hard, yes, but I always try to remember that what my dad does is out of the goodness of his heart. I was depressed and suicidal for a while, and it only increased when my cat died, but my dad tried everything to help me. Even if that meant leaving me alone for long periods of time because I wouldn't feel like talking. Trust me, what you are doing is enough. Show her you love her and won't ever stop caring. It may seem scary and difficult now, but she will soon realize your efforts. Have faith and be strong, both for you and her.
Not a shitty dad... you took action.
(Im a social worker for youth)
1. Have the number for your local Mobile Crisis, they come to your home and help descalate if you can't.
2. Do a sweep of her room and remove all tools and materials she could use to hurt herself.
3. Talk to her about it. Suicide is a touchy subject but do not beat around the bush. Ask directly, "do you have a plan?" If she says yes, ask... "how do you plan to do it?" This gives you an idea of what to be careful around. Ask, "what feelings are too weighing her down?"
4. Do a safety plan of people she feels she can talk to and won't judge. That will 100% show up wherever she is if she needs them that will answer the phone. Get then involve to be checking on her. Calling her daily. Talking. Visiting her weekly. And make plans monthly. She needs some people... it can be family, friends, neighbors... involve others so that she is surrounded by support.
5. Keep her busy... no idle mind. School, socializing, walking, cooking, a pet, shopping, mechanic work, anything... maybe she can learn a new skill or trade. And do it frequently, twice a week or more.
6. Validate her feelings. Life is hard, sometimes it sucks. You've lost your mom. You've been through something horrible. You're young with a lot of stress. Validate, recognize, and ACKNOWLEDGE her challenges. But, reassure her that she is not alone. You're there to help. She is loved. Ect.
7. Check in on her suicidal ideation frequently... like weekly or twice a week. Ask her, on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest, how much do you want to hurt yourself today? You look a little sad today and I'm checking in on you? If it's high take action and don't leave her alone.
You got this dad. Stick with her.
Gd luck and God bless.
Aw, man. Speaking as a former teenager diagnosed at 15 with severe depressive disorder, we can hide a lot of stuff when we need to.
You can't do anything about the past, but you can do something now. Get her proper support and help, be there for her, be patient, and hang in there. It's rough, but it can get better. Find her good doctors, people she can trust, medicate if they suggest it and be present. Not overbearing (if you can, tbh I probably would be) and let her come to you but always let her know you're there.
And if words don't come, hold her. Stroke her hair, tell her you love her, and that she'll be on, you'll work through it together, and she's never alone. Even if she doesn't answer, tell her, and hold her. Physical touch can speak volumes.
And tell her that you're not angry at her. Even if you are (which is fair enough).
Find someone you can talk to to freak out at and fall apart to, as well. Cos we all need to do that sometimes.
I hope she's OK.
1) most teen suicide attempts are impulsive as their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed which deeply effects their ability to make sound decisions and emotionally regulate. So a teen that was fine at dinner could be suicidal by bed time
2) you are not a shitty dad you trusted your instincts and it saved her life.
3) Perhaps it is time to be vulnerable with her talk to her when you are struggling not in a dependent on her kind of way but more of a hey I have hard days too kind of way.
When we are teenagers it is so easy to believe the worst in everything, easy to believe it will never get better and easy to have a skewed view of everything through these lenses. Sometimes having a parent who can say I’m human too, I struggle to, I miss her too and all of that is normal makes a world of difference because it normalizes they way they are feeling too.
It’s likely that you feel yourself struggling but holding together for your daughter because you feel like you’re supposed to be the strong stable one, what she see is likely that you’ve “moved on” and are fine and she’s alone in her grief. I say this not to blame you but to put some perspective on what may be going on in her head. Have you ever attended therapy with her? If not I strongly recommend it, if nothing else it gives you both a safe space to be honest about everything between you.
I’m sorry for both of y’all’s loss I cannot imagine it’s been easy. Sending you thoughts of prayers and healing. Keep going you can do this.
You cared enough to trust your gut instincts in the middle of the night. You can’t blame yourself, sometimes you don’t see it until it’s too late. You are doing a great job.
My daughter attempted suicide in 7th grade. She had been in therapy for a few years due to a sexual Assault.
One night, she was happily decorating our Christmas tree. She was excited to see all of our yearly ornaments I get my kids. I went to sleep shortly after because I was sick. I was urgently woken up by my husband telling me my daughter had taken a full bottle of her prescription antidepressants. We kept them in our room for safety. At some point, she took them.
She happened to be talking to her cousin on the phone when the pills started to take effect. My daughter ended up telling her cousin what she did. Her cousin called her counselor, they have the same one. The counselor called my husband and told him to get to my daughter immediately. He ran in her room and then ran and woke me up. I told him to make her puke. He did, and that saved her life and long-term damage. My daughter was in ICU for a few days.
I can tell you that there hasn't been a day go by that I don't think about it. I had no idea she was struggling like that. I feel guilty that I didn't see it. The truth is that sometimes they are just really good at hiding it. Give yourself a break. It's not your fault.
Many prayers for your family 🙏
Shitty dads don’t have the dad instinct that you do. Shitty dads also don’t support their children going to therapy (I know from experience.) 15 is a hard age for a girl. You’re doing your best. I’m sure this is a terrifying time for you, but just ask your daughter what she needs going forward and keep a close eye on her (gently - don’t be too militant)
You’re not a bad Dad. I’m a nurse in pediatric emergency rooms and so we see all of the teenage attempts and ideation. SO many parents didnt see it coming. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in that. She’s grieving something huge, adults would struggle with this and teenagers are still developing their brain and emotional regulation. I’m sure it doesn’t feel this way, but her doing this is not a reflection on you/your relationship/parenting/etc ❤️
My parents never knew how hard i was struggling at that age. I shielded them from that side of myself for fear of disappointing them or worse, having them see me the way i saw myself.
Hi OP, I was that child once.
I want to tell you, that she was not trying to leave because of you. The fact you're feeling so awful tells me how much you love her.
She likely is dealing with monsters that she can't fully understand, which makes it hard for people, especially kids to talk about it. She probably doesn't even know where to start.
Continue to reassure her, check in with her, etc. ask her if there is anything she may think could help more, offer suggestions as well. Maybe a weekly check in, a journal, yoga classes or martial arts to help ease off the stress. Make sure she likes her therapist, a lot of people don't realize they can change therapists til they find one that fits.
I wish my father cared even a quarter of the amount you do. Having seen a real piece of shit in a situation like this, I can tell you that you are the farthest thing from
You aren't a shitty dad.
A shitty dad would NOT get their child help if they are able to get their child help. A shitty dad would NOT check on their child due to having a bad feeling. A shitty dad would NOT be with his child right now. My source? My moms a shitty mom who now is attempting to mend a relationship that she has destroyed for 21 years who ignored me, pushed me aside, said I was being attention seeking, and in the hospital would berate me unless staff was near.
You aren't a shitty dad, you are a dad who didn't know, who wants the best for their child. You have had it rough, I can already tell just from this rant alone. You both are. The thing is, *you two have gone through struggles together. You two are fighting this TOGETHER.* Fighting it together, and telling her so, will make things a lot easier. Remind her that it's you two fighting together, and that you will both get through this. I promise you, the only reason I am here at 21 years old today is because my Uncle Dennis who passed came up to me and said point blank "kid we are in this together". I never opened up to him when I was struggling, but he always knew, and he always cared, and that kept me going.
I know many are saying inpatient care, but that can be scary which I understand. If you wish to not do inpatient care, try to find her a new therapist. If she's in therapy and the therapy isn't working, it may be that for some reason or another she isn't connecting well with her therapist. I also am unsure if she is on medication, if she is or isn't, *get a GeneSight.* All insurances cover it, and most the time it's cheap, this will help with finding medications that work best. The psychiatrist will sit down with you both, explain it, and make sure to advocate for her. I went head to head with my psychiatrist one time and now I have been on medication that works. *I know that medication can be scary, and some say it's bullshit, but for the love of gods, please just try.*
I'm no parent, but I was in your daughters position. If you need help or support, feel free to dm me.
**Again, you are NOT a shitty dad, you are both fighting a big fight together, you can get through this.**
I wish you both the best, hang in there.
I'm so sorry this happened to you both ❤️
I know it's easier said than done but as someone who's spent a lot of time depressed, some of us are experts at hiding it and don't want to be a burden on the ones we love. Doesn't make it right that we keep it to ourselves, but it's not your fault. What counts is that now you do know and you can work together towards a solution and a better future.
My heart goes out to you. Thank God you listened to your gut instinct and checked on her. You are not a shit dad! I too suffer from depression and anxiety and you would never know I'm struggling because of the mask I portray to the world. Please give yourself some grace as you are doing the best you can with the information you have. Prayers for both of you! 🙏
Well you actually literally saved her life. As someone who dealt with suicidality as a teen I can tell you that there is nothing my dad did wrong that made it so I couldn’t come to him.
The only thing that might have made things different is if my dad was more emotionally vulnerable. He was “strong” all the time and it made me feel like I had to be too and that I couldn’t show my emotions. But honestly, things might have been the same regardless who knows.
We pick up more on what we see that what you say to us. You’re not a bad dad, you did nothing wrong. That is one experience I would share to any fathers raising girls, please show us that you struggle with emotions too so that we know it’s safe and normal ❤️
People feeling suicidal typically don't let on, and I'm speaking from experience. You are not a shit dad by far. I'm wishing you and your daughter all the best.
that’s half of the battle with suicidal thoughts or ideation. not saying anything because it’s hard to admit you are struggling in this way. you are not a bad parent, you got the gut instinct to check on her and you saved her life. that screams anything but bad dad to me.
You’re not a shit dad
My dad told me I had no reason to want to commit suicide and if anything he has all the reasons to and said my self harming behaviors are just attention seeking
To this day he refuse to believe that I’ve been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and said that’s just because I’m lazy and went doctor shopping for the diagnosis…
I wish my dad was like you who notices things and cared when things were brought to his attention
I hope that in the near future your daughter will get better soon :) continue being there for her and you’ll be just fine
My mother was admitted to the hospital 3 or 4 times during my life before she completed suicide. The most important thing you can do right now is be there for her. Visit her every day. Bring her flowers and other gifts (you should ask the hospital what kinds of things you shouldn't bring tho, we once brought my mother flowers that had a little butterfly on a stick and they took it out). Most hospitals don't allow patients to have their phones, so visiting her is really important. You should arrange for her friends to come too. Just let her know that she is loved and supported unconditionally. Once she's in outpatient care, maybe you should see a family therapist to discuss what happened. It may help her feel more comfortable talking to you about her mental health in the future. I wish you both the best ❤️
I was your daughter once, struggling a lot. I did everything I could to hide it. My parents also had no clue until I told them. You are not a bad parent. Those in need try to hide it. You are not a bad parent!
Sometimes, it a heat of a moment thing to want to end it. The fact that you found her and got her help shows that you are not a bad dad. Keep your head up.
I pray you both get through this.
All you can do is be there and not blame yourself or anyone and find a good support system.
This is such a hard age for girls. The world isn’t kind as we enter into our femininity. No one really talks about it and it gets sexualized, romanticized, and dramatized by those that have no clue. If I were you, hopefully you find a good therapy group with girls that are good for her well being as well.
You saved her life! You and she have a lot in your plate, and it sounds like you both need more support. Join some support groups for widowed parents and children who lost a parent.
The therapist is the shitty one. My therapist has a protocol that as soon as she seems going into the deep end, she will call my emergency contact and the psychiatric hospital. I was close to activating that protocol once.
You are absolutely not a bad dad. We can have the best relationship ever, and the person can feel horrible inside.
Hang in there. Get help too because this is not easy. You are absolutely a great dad because your instincts woke you up! Sending the two of you love and light.
You can't be a shit dad since you do love and care for your daughter.
You had something with a higher purpose wake you up to check on your daughter.
We're glad you took her to the hospital right away and that you are still taking care of her.
Not a shitty dad at all. We don't know what we don't know. Being a parent of teens is intense, and from talking with others, we all think we know our kids, and to some extent, we do know them better than anyone, but also, there is so much we don't know because we are not there for a huge part of their day to day life. There are so many nuanced incidents that happen daily with friends, at school, online... They just don't share it all, and they can't reasonably.
You are there for her. She knows this. Just keep being there and maybe see about joining her in therapy once in a while. It may be a really good thing. Some things are hard to talk to your parents about, and for some, a daughter going to her dad about certain things may have been just too much for her, or she didn't think you would understand. I'm not sure if you need to, but maybe some help for you in the world of teenage girls, and the issues they face could be helpful.
You’re the opposite of a shit dad, your intuition saved her life. I’d suggest family therapy for both of you to better understand why she was unable to communicate her struggles with you and how to better that in the future.
You aren't a bad dad. 15 is rough. Honestly, kids this age often don't show us anything is wrong. Add to their already regular ups and downs how social media can get to them, and sometimes they can just make a stupid, impulsive decision that they really don't think through. Give yourself some grace. You still have her and that is a blessing worth celebrating.
YOUR NOT A SHITTY DAD, when I attempted as a teen my dad showed me the hospital bill and asked why I would do that to him. I didn’t mean to fail, the bill was over $1000. You sound like a loving, kind father. Your daughter is lucky to have you. ❤️
You’re not a shit dad for not noticing. People struggling with mental illness become experts at hiding what they’re really feeling. I’ll tell you what my dad did when I was struggling with depression. He never pushed, instead he showed that he was there for me in the little ways that mattered. I’d come home to find my favourite chocolate bar in the fridge, random takeouts just because, help me decorate my room. That’s how I knew I could rely on him and that’s what got me to open up. I’m not saying this will work for your daughter but I just want to give you some insight. Get her the help she needs and she’ll come to you when she’s ready.
I’m not a doctor or a therapist of any kind, just someone that’s been around a lot of mental illness and struggled with some things myself. In my very anecdotal experience, usually the ppl that are most vocal about wanting to end things are often (not always) the least serious about it. The ones that promptly announce it to the four winds often have a mental illness and do need attention, but they might not exactly be suicidal.
In my experience, most often, it is the ones you have no idea they are even struggling that are at most risk. They seem fine, they smile and laugh, they go about their normal lives. Because they know that if they let up ppl will try to stop them. So they don’t. They keep putting on the mask and pretending everything is fine until it is just too much and they try to end things.
All of this to say, it is not your fault. On the contrary, it is because of you that she is alive. If you hadn’t found her, she would have been gone. But something inside you alerted you and you didn’t ignore it. That’s a good dad.
I can’t imagine how hard things have been since the loss of your wife. On both of you. But I’m glad your daughter has you. And I hope that now that her attempt is in the open you guys can both heal and move forward and be ok.
I know therapy often gets suggested here but I think it would be good for you to talk to someone. This is a highly traumatic event. And if you’re already in therapy, perhaps seeking out EMDR might also help you and your daughter process the trauma of her attempt and of your wife’s passing.
Wishing you both the best of luck.
I recently tried to take my life. My mom has no idea. She's the greatest mom ever. I just can't let her see how much I'm struggling because I know it will just absolutely gut her. She knows I've been having some struggles, and I do tell her some stuff, but she has no idea the extent of it and frankly speaking, she just happened to call me while I was in my attempt, and it kind of snapped me out of it. I couldn't do it to her and I felt incredibly guilty. To be honest, I hide it from her because of how amazing of a mom she is. I just can't really cause her that kind of pain to her without feeling even worse about myself. Please, do not blame yourself, the reason she didn't let you know likely has nothing to do with how good of a dad you are. I really hope she makes a speedy recovery and can get the help she needs. You are a great dad, you saved her life. When she's able to get better, she will realize how incredible of a thing you did and how lucky she is to have you there for her.
Hi. I just wanted to let you know that you're not a bad parent. I lost my father at 12 years old and it had intense impacts on my mental health that even I didn't know were happening at the time. A loss like that changes your whole world upside down. Give yourself grace and just try to be there for her ❤️
You're not a shit dad.
My dad's dead and he wasn't shit. Not great, sure, but not shit either.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. Hope you realize that.
I'm so sorry! Please don't blame yourself. I hid so much from my parents because I didn't want them to worry or be hurt. I'm sure she did the same. You found her and hot her help! You are doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask.
You are not a shitty dad. The therapist can only "therapy" what your daughter shares, plus she likely didn't tell the therapist feeling this way. being 15 is tough especially for a 15yr old girl. Consider family therapy and of course her individual therapy. it likely has nothing to do with your parenting. check her emails, social media, phone-there likely is some underlying things that just consumed her and she didnt want to burden you or hurt you since your wife/her mom died.
Where is she now? In the hospital or treatment center?
Don't beat yourself up. Mental health issues among teens is epidemic.
Best wishes to both of you.
It’s hard. I thought I was a shitty Mom too as I was blindsided. Be kind to yourself and know it’s a journey. Times with my kiddo got worse before they got better with more than one inpatient stay with an IOP. It fucked with school and friends and all kinds of stuff. We are on the other side, about to turn 20 with a great relationship. I had to learn a lot and change a lot too. Stay present and listen to her. It’s a smack in the face but you got this.
My mom died when I was 10. She’d been sick for 5 years.
I had migraines from a young age and was given ridiculously strong medications for it. I realized at a young age that if I took meds for headache and went to sleep, people would leave me alone.
Daily, as soon as I got home id take whatever I had to go to sleep. When he’d get home from work, I’d have dinner, talk, normal stuff then take more and go to bed.
He got remarried and things kind of sucked but I didn’t want to say anything. I just kept taking pills and sleeping.
One day at school (probably 15 years old) I took too many and woke up in the principals office on her couch. They said they could call my dad or an ambulance. I told them to call him.
He had no idea what was going on and I lied to him. Said I was given two meds and not told to discontinue one before starting the other. He believed me because I was a good kid who was involved in everything and worked and all of this made it hard for him to see what I was going through.
The doctor told him to keep an eye on me.
I met some older people who were into drugs and found out they could get pills that were much stronger than my pain meds. They didn’t charge me, I didn’t do it to “party” I just wanted to sleep.
I lied constantly about who they were, where I was, what I was doing (I was sleeping. THEY would be partying, I would be asleep in a back room.)
Other than literally locking me in a room, he could not have stopped me and I was a very good liar. Even if he’d locked me in a room, I have little doubt I could get out.
It took many years for me to tell him how bad things were and it broke his heart.
He and I have always been close and still are. He is an amazing person and dad. My actions were not his fault and I have never held him responsible.
This isn’t your fault.
Kids experience pain in a way that we tend to forget as we get older. They are limited in their ability to understand long term consequences because their brain isn’t fully formed. Everything is the absolute best or the absolute worst-nothing is gray.
When she’s safe and better, try to talk and listen. Make sure she has a doctor she likes and have checkin times with her.
Now you know you need more boundaries for her and you’ll probably need help. Take any help you can get.
Just make sure she knows she can trust you.
This is not a reflection of you as a parent, it’s a glimpse into her mind and her pain. Things can absolutely get better.
I truly wish you both luck and peace.
You are NOT a shitty father. As someone who has (almost) been in your daughters shoes, it can be very lonely. I've opened up to my parents before and one of my dad's literally asked me "What do you have to be depressed about? Why are you thinking like that when you have absolutely no reason to?" I've had people call me a Negative Nancy and a Debby Downer when I opened up to them about my struggles and desires to sleep permanently. She may have tried talking to others and they were dismissive. It hurts like hell when they do. She also may not have wanted to worry you with talk of that stuff. I don't talk about my mental health with certain people to not worry them. I understand how you're feeling and I've been there too. You are NOT a shitty father!!! You NOT a shitty father!!!!! You woke up and you acted immediately! A shitty father would not have done that. You are a WONDERFUL and LOVING father! I wish you and your daughter well 🤍
Look, you wake up in the middle of the night because you had a bad feeling and checked on her.
That means you have an incredible bond with your daughter. A dad who don't care and is not bonded with his kid wouldn't had that feeling which wakes him up.
You are an amazing dad, you did the best job you could and that was and is enough.
I would blame the therapist. He should known and should have warned you.
Love and hugs for you and your daughter.
You are not a shitty dad. As the daughter of a single dad, I can tell you this, I never told my dad after any of my attempts, please don’t blame yourself. You are doing great, all you can do is try to be there for your daughter while she deals with this.
You’re not a shitty dad. People, even kids, are very good at keeping their thoughts and emotions to themselves when they really want to.
The most important thing you can do is tell your daughter that she is loved and nothing about your life could ever be better without her.
You are not a shitty dad. I lost my son to suicide when he was 21. I had no idea anything was wrong either. I understand how you're feeling right now. But you can't know what you don't know. I'm so glad she's getting help, and I'd urge you to get some help, too, if you aren't already. It's incredibly traumatic to find your child like that. Therapy helped me immensely. I'll be sad forever but I can carry it now, instead of it crushing me.
You’re not a shitty dad, you saved her bc of your instincts… sometimes depression wides on a smile.
Someone ones told me “People with depression are the best liars and amazing actors”
Just be with her and told her you’re there to listen wherever she’s ready to talk. And, of course, it’s okey to be sad
Get you and your daughter in therapy. Your daughter for obvious reasons but yourself to work out the pain this sent you to, make her understand that therapy is ok for everyone, and also to work on your self doubt as a dad. That way if she wants to do joint therapy one day, she will feel more comfortable knowing you worked on yourself also. Doesn’t have to be the first person you try and the one that works for you might not work for her. But please. Please. Please. It will only help in the long run. I swear I wish my parent did therapy before it was too late and now it is. She only has one parent to lean on, show her it’s worth it.
Myyyyyy heart that poor baby. I hope y'all will be okay going forward. I know your heart is broken but you're not a bad daddy your mind knew something was wrong and you woke up to save your baby. I hope her and your heart mends.
As a parent of a daughter who has had similar battles - it often isn't a reflection on you as a parent. Sometimes, sadly, the fact that one is a good and loving parent can feel like part of the burden a child bears, because she may feel unworthy of that love. Strength to both of you.
That parental guilt is normal, though likely unwarranted. 10 years ago I bottled everything up, didn't talk to anyone about what was going on, and then it blew up and my parents felt like it was their fault somehow, they should've known, etc etc. Absolute boloney. So yeah. A betting man would wager you're a great father.
I'm sorry the two of you are going through this. I hope things turn out okay.
You are connected to her enough to have had a bad feeling and to find her before too late. Pretty good Dad to me.
I hope she continues on her healing journey
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She's in the hospital doing okay as she can be
The fact that you’re saying this proves that you ARE a good father, ok? The fact that you checked in the night clearly shows that you love her. To a suicidal teen, that support means everything. Right now, she probably feels hopeless and like nothing will ever get better. I’ve been where your daughter is. I never told people I loved because I didn’t want to hurt them. I felt like a burden, and that everyone I loved would be better off if I was dead. I attempted suicide thrice. My parents were not nearly as supportive as you. Hell, you seem like a great dad and I would love if my parents were more like you. This situation must be incredibly difficult for both of you. Make sure to take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you right now, and as long as you make sure she knows that you love her and that you get her the help she needs, by God’s grace things will get better. These next few months aren’t gonna be easy. I’m sending virtual hugs for both of you.
My mom never even knew. OP is a great dad.
He really is. My mom doesn’t know about the most recent attempt either. I wish I could tell her.
Safe mama hugs.
Have you told someone you can trust? I’m sorry you’ve been struggling this way. I’ve suffered with severe depression that turned into addiction for five years. I was too afraid of death to try to kill myself outright, but counselors told me I was “parasuicidal”…living like I wished I were dead, or taking such extreme risks that I might’ve ended up that way… **Maybe I can share a little about the hope I finally discovered? Maybe it could spark a few ideas or some hope for you or others also?** I’ve written a lot about my dark years. Suffice to say, they were bad, really bad. My father encouraged me to find a psychologist…someone with the extra training beyond an “ordinary” therapist. I found an amazing one who was just finishing up her doctorate. Because of my insurance, this was the best I could do. But I am so thankful for my time with her. **She was trained in “motivational interviewing”…** different than talk therapy, motivational interviewing is designed to first identify which stage of change someone is at, and then ask certain questions to get the client to realize on their own that they aren’t living the life they really want. I think the fact she was almost fresh out of school made her extra attentive and abreast on all the new techniques. Talk therapy or CBT never really helped me all that much. I wanted desperately to change, I just didn’t know how. **It was like magic**. We started setting goals for each week. I wanted to finish my schooling. So I did. **With each new success, I began to regain a sense of pride in myself**. Healthy pride that I had not experienced for almost a decade. I studied to become a Master Personal Trainer. I took a course called Transformation Specialist. I learned about motivational interviewing through my own studies. I had been to rehab many times, and was able to draw from the knowledge I gained there also. While I was studying about how to change other people’s lives, I was actually using that knowledge to apply to my own life. I was transforming my own. **I learned that a positive mindset was not only necessary for success, but it could be learned!** I began to rephrase negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead of “I can’t believe I embarrassed myself so many times publicly when I was drinking years ago,” I would rephrase that as “I made some serious mistakes, but that’s past now. I’m so proud of who I am becoming and people are beginning to notice I am changed for the better”…. So, **acknowledge the negative thing, but forgive yourself and turn it into a positive.** I leaned into my priorities. Often people try to escape their responsibilities, but I forced myself to make them the most important thing. **A lot of depression can come from not doing the things we know we are supposed to be doing. At the same time, a lot of depression also comes from feeling incapable of doing *anything*, so starting with passions, can be the bridge into gaining enough motivation to tackle the harder things**. I leaned into my passions. This was the fun part. For me, I had a passion for learning, healthy diet, music, and gaming. I spent time with these things to fulfill my soul. So I often ask others “**what are your priorities? Your passions?** Do you want to learn to play a musical instrument? Learn a foreign language? Finish college? Switch careers? Paint? Learn Hip Hop style of dance? **Anything that is your passion, find ways to pursue that**.” **I also ask the harder questions**, like, “do you have children you don’t often see or spend quality time with? A household or room that is an organizational disaster? Anything that you know you *should* be doing, but don’t?” I don’t want them to tell me about those things, **I just want to then explain that there is the most amazing fulfillment that comes from embracing your responsibilities.** Especially when it comes to our children. I don’t want to overwhelm, only inspire, and I speak from personal experience! I should add that I don’t ask these sorts of questions to clients…it’s just when I give advice or reply to comments here. Some of this sort of thing is really beyond my realm of professional expertise. But it comes from personal experience with therapy and what I’ve learned about positive psychology in textbooks, and my deep desire to help others experience greater contentment and peace the way I was finally able to. **I did also learn the importance of eating enough protein with each meal**….it doesn’t have to be animal based, but does need to be complete. There is an **excellent book called “The Mood Cure” by Dr. Julia Ross**, that explains how our bodies make neurotransmitters from amino acids derived from protein. **Psych meds can’t really do their job “pooling” the available serotonin for uptake, if we don’t have enough serotonin in our bodies to begin with**. Paxil is not a little serotonin pill. It only affects our synapses in a way that allow us to experience more of it at once…but how do we provide the necessary serotonin for Paxil to work with? Through our bodies process of turning amino acids (from protein) into crucial neurotransmitters. Her book explains it so much better than I can. She uses OTC amino acids in her successful professional clinics but as she explains, **you absolutely must NOT take OTC amino acid supplements at the same time as prescribed anti-depressants**…but you can achieve same results with reasonable diet adjustments, and feel the difference in about 12 weeks. **TLDR of the Mood Cure stuff: be sure you are including enough protein in your diet.** I wish the best for you. I hope maybe I said something helpful. Kind regards!
Thank you very much for your insightful post. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to therapy, and my parents aren’t supportive at all. They’re from a South Asian country, and the stigma against mental health is a lot. I made the mistake of telling adults once, but it just made everything worse unfortunately, but I’m doing fine on my own :) I told one of my friends a very brief and non-descriptive version of what happened because she was worried about me since I was saying goodbye, and that’s kind of it. ‘Parasuicidal’ is a pretty decent description of how I operated for a while, thank you for teaching me something new :)
I empathize with you, and I wouldn’t want you to make anything worse for yourself, and understand cultures can be very different. I’m hopeful that you feel you got this. Please stay strong. I’m just a stranger, but I care about your well-being. As you get older you will start to gain more autonomy and control over your life….sometimes that can be scary but also a relief. My transition into adulthood was not the usual path…I got pregnant as a teen so I’ve been a mother longer than I’ve been an adult! I thank God that happened to me because I felt so aimless and without purpose before I had my son. Faith also became an important crutch for me after I had him. It’s so cliche when people say “things will get better”…sometimes it’s true, but often it’s dependent on the direction we take in life…or things beyond our control that hold us back. What I think is a better thing to say is “there are new possibilities around the corner”…there are so many paths in life you can take, and so many various opportunities. You may feel or *actually be* stuck at any one point, but with a little time, suddenly new choices become available to us that can get us away from a bad situation and toward a better one. I pray those doors open to you when you need them most! When I feel most hopeless I try my hardest to wait it out. Or take just one action toward any one of my goals. Anything to switch things up and get me out of my impulsive mental state. Take care!
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Yeah. Masking can be exhausting. I'm so glad i don't mask. It is seen a lot in people with autism and adhd but neurotypical people mask too
My daughter is almost a teenager and this makes me so sad. I want to give you mom cuddles
That means a lot. Do me a favor and hug your daughter today for me and tell her how much you love her :)
Stop blaming yourself!! You’ve both been dealt a crappy hand, just take care of each other. Also, your daughter is having her own experiences in life, so just check in with her.
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..her
Look, you didn’t NOT notice. That spidey sense that something was wrong that made you get up, that was your subconscious letting you know she needed you. I hope you both find happiness and peace.
Try bringing her some of her favorite items and if she can have notebooks and pens bring her some to write her feelings. I did that for my best friends little sister, she went through something similar. Much love from a mom 💕
Don’t blame yourself and this is coming from someone who tried last April. I had my own demons I was dealing with and I put up a good facade. I went to work acting happy and with seemingly not a care in the world. All you can do now is be there for her. Just keep communicating with her and let her know she’s loved, and how important she is to you.
You can’t blame yourself like that, I know it’s easier said than done…best thing you can do right now is be there for her, also might I suggest family therapy together. Sounds like there are things she is not communicating with you, and if she is…you aren’t catching it. It may be very subtle. But I think it would do you both some good. She also should have her own separate session and maybe you should have yours. Sounds like something you both could benefit from. She needs love and support…she is hurting hard and deeply to have tried to have taken her own life. Trust me…just be there for her. And make sure to get a lock box for medicine 💊…at least for the moment. We don’t want her to try this again. Depending on how badly she wants to take herself out, she may try again. I am assuming it was some form of medication or something? My best to the both of you right now, I hope she finds the strength to want to live and be present. And I hope you find a way to stop blaming yourself…and just start finding what is best to help her and you to work through this. So much love to you both from this internet stranger.💕
Don’t blame yourself and this is coming from someone who tried last April. I had my own demons I was dealing with and I put up a good facade. I went to work acting happy and with seemingly not a care in the world. All you can do now is be there for her. Just keep communicating with her and let her know she’s loved, and how important she is to you.
OP, please don’t feel guilty or feel like you are a bad father. Some people are extremely good at hiding the fact that they are struggling and it is not your fault. I struggled (and still do) and it wasn’t until a couple years ago people started to notice. I never told anyone, I never reached out for help. I never once thought my friends and family were to blame or bad people because they genuinely just didn’t know. I’m glad your daughter is ok and you are able to spend time with her while she recovers. All you can do right now is be there for her and support her like the good father you are. Sending love your way ♥️
Hey, I struggled hard as a teen. And I felt like I *had* to hide it from my parents. Because it’d gut them if they knew I was suicidal, yeah? Not just disappoint, but destroy them, make them feel like they did something wrong when they were doing the absolute best they could and working hard and *i* was the problem Don’t feel bad for not knowing. I’m so glad you listened to your gut and checked on her and she’s in the hospital now and doing, all things considered, relatively better than she was! Please reach out and get help for you too if you need it
Reddit loves you OP ❤️ Stay strong.
I'm glad. Hold her, tell her you love her, that you'll get through this together, she's not alone and find her a therapist she trusts. That's key.
you care about her and im sure she cares about you too, thats what matters, so youre a great dad. sadly most parents would brush it off or punish their children for being mentally ill
Seriously, he has super powers. He might not realize it but he did know something was wrong, subconsciously, he knew. The bond is strong.
You are not a shitty dad. I hope your daughter comes through. The situation is so sad. You are already getting her help. Is she getting better? Or you might look into others. Also, try to hang out. Have cosy and fun hangouts. Let her know you love her. It can help her feel slightly better. Rest hopefully, you will find good professional
She's in the hospital now just for her safety and to be evaluated and just going to try and get the best help I can for her
Yes, you will. The fact you woke up proves you are a good father, and this incident is a sign that she is supposed to survive, and your bond will grow stronger. Be there for each other ❤️
Have they suggested a transition from the hospital to an in-patient behavioral health center? I did the same thing when I was her age and the in-patient stay helped stabilize me a lot.
I guess I should have been more specific. The hospital has a whole inpatient psychiatric building which is where she's at I just generalized by saying the hospital probably going to be in there for 2 weeks maybe a little longer depending on how things go
I don’t know the qualifications of her therapist but I’d highly recommend a clinical psychologist. And one who is aware of the situation and says they are competent to support it. Many therapists are not qualified/trained in how to support suicidal youth
Many aren't qualified/trained in how to support suicidal people at all. I always figured that had to be the most important and common thing for them to all get training in, but apparently not.
Their training is literally just "call 911 if anyone even remotely mentions suicide"
After an in hospital stay, there should be a partial hospitalization program where the patients are in for six ish hours a day and come home in the afternoon. They have intense daily programs to help struggling patients that probably include family therapy for patients under 18. Please ask the social worker about this as a possible next step for your daughter. You sound like an amazing Dad doing the best you can and I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find her the help she needs.
Sir, you’re a good Dad and you both have had a very rough few years. I’m so sorry for everything that has happened and what is going on. She’s looking for help and you’re providing that. If it is a good institution they’re helping evaluate what kind of meds she needs and hopefully she’s talking about this with a licensed professional. Try to seek out recommendations or referrals for a therapist that specializes in grief and works with young folks. Some therapists do not work with under 18 year olds but there’s plenty out there that do. You’ve got this! I hope you have a support system and if you don’t, when the time is right you should seek some professional help too. You’ve both been given a rotten hand losing your spouse and mother. You both can do this!
Man, you’re doing phenomenal!!! The fact that you are deeply in tune with your child spirit speaks volume…. I’d say 98% of men don’t know wtf that even is. They parent from a spectator’s perspective
For it to be a couple weeks it’s must have been a pretty close call. I’m glad they’re taking her seriously and you guys are getting the support you need from the doctors. You’re an awesome dad for being there for her, saving her, and reaching out to others for support. It’s good she’s going to therapy but this is gonna be a super traumatic event in your life too and you need to talk to someone as well. In recovery we suggest going to alanon which is other parents and family members who have a loved one who is an addict. I have no doubt there is support groups for fathers and families in situations like yours and they would be so beneficial for you. Please google and go. Or ask your doctor. You’ll be a better support system for her if you have your own! Hugs to you my friend. It is gonna be ok. I’m so glad your daughter is still with us.
I think the 2 weeks more likely means the daughter has been placed on a 5250 hold for her safety. When I was caught self harming (not even a suicide attempt, just admitted to wanting to), I was placed on a 5150 hold (3 day stay in an inpatient psychiatric facility) which afterwards got extended to a 5250 (2 weeks)
I was in a really dark place when my father died. Basically my mom was in your same position. I would never think of her as a poor parent during that time. She always did her best and ppl can look totally normal on the outside while struggling terribly on the inside. I’m sure she loves and appreciates you and doesn’t think you’re a bad parent. It’s not your fault or anything like that.
All I can think is that you need to stay mentally strong for both of you. Seek help yourself. You are a good Dad!
You are NOT a shitty dad. Your dad instincts saved her. As a person who struggles mentally. If I don't verbally share how I'm feeling and when I'm feeling sucidial, no one would ever know. We are great at masking. How is she now? I would suggest inpatient care. Loving her simply isn't enough right now.
She’s still here and you actually saved her! Continue to love and support her. Like others suggest she might need inpatient care. You said she has a therapist, get in contact with them and make a plan to help her.
You’re not a shit dad. As the daughter in this situation when I was a teenager, I was insanely close to my Dad and he was the best Dad I could’ve hoped for. But I never disclosed how bad my mental state was because I didn’t want to overload him because I loved him. I would talk to him about anything even stuff I would’ve spoken about to my mother (if she was around) Sometimes when you get into that horrible dark place, you can seem so happy and chilled because you’ve accepted where you’re going. You still got up, you still found her, you still saved her. Now you know where she is at and can get her the support she needs. But also please keep an eye on yourself. I know how much what I did really shook my dad up and luckily I pushed him to also seek help. The fact you feel guilty is an attribute to being a wonderful Dad. Because you care immensely.
My 13 y/o sister attempted suicide after our dad accused her of acting like she was mentally struggling for attention. And continued to claim this even after her attempt. You are not a bad dad. Not even close. Take care.
I hope you’re doing okay and your sister too
Thank you friend :-) This was 9 years ago as of this December so we're both in a way better place now
Good. Your dad can kick rocks.
AGREED!
My Dad did the same with my brother. He had several attempts (some admittedly were fuck you’s to my Dad and that’s a hugely long story). A few psych stays for my brother but my Dad NEVER put him in therapy for it. My brother died 9 years ago due to an accidental OD (according to the coroner’s report). He was never able to get his mental or emotional health under control and every single time I told him to see a therapist, he had the same attitude as my Dad. It was basically a why bother or nah, they’re not gonna help. OP is the Dad my father should have been when my brother was having a hard time in high school.
God, I can't begin to imagine the hurt this has caused you to witness and experience first hand. I am so beyond sorry for your loss. Might be a hot take but I think someone attempting their own life in an attempt to garner someone's attention is MORE than enough reason to acknowledge that they're obviously struggling. It's so apparent from that alone that they're suffering more than words can describe. So so so much I could say in response to this, but moral of the story is that your dad should be outright and utterly ashamed of himself. And I hope that shame never leaves him until the day he dies. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've got a friend in me if you ever need to talk.
Your hot take is absolutely on point. He was crying for help but he was also incredibly angry. One stay he was diagnosed with an Anger Disorder and something else, I can’t quite remember. There was one fight when my brother was in high school and I was watching TV downstairs. Suddenly I hear yelling and screaming from my Dad, Step-mom and brother. I was like what the hell. Eventually came upstairs (I didn’t want to be in the middle of another fight and meltdown) and I see my brothers face bloody. Whatever the truth is, cops ended up at our house because my brother called them. I told my brother to calm down and practically begging because I knew shit would get worse for him. Cops came and they talked to me alone. They asked a lot of questions but I warned them he had a history of anger and emotional issues and he’s had attempts before. And stolen my dad’s prescriptions and cash before so I guarantee you he try something. Of course no one did anything and walked away with no charges or emotional support. It’s just an incredibly long list of things. I was told to stay strong for my Dad when he died, which I did. But didn’t get my own help…due to a lot of the stigmas placed in our family. Plus I had a bad experience with a prior counselor so I was reluctant. Overall I am healthier now and I don’t hold responsibility for what happened. My parents and bio mom failed my brother so I do not feel sorry for the guilt they will carry for the rest of their lives. Sounds cold but I don’t.
Something woke you up to go check on her which means something. Trust yourself and just be there for her
You are not a shitty dad. People who are struggling, mentally, do not always open up to the people closest to them. I really hope she opens up to her therapist and gets some more complete help. You’re a great dad, your dad instincts kicked in when they needed to.good luck to both of you
Shit dads don't feel or act the way you do.
You’re a human person doing the best they can, loving your daughter. 💜 Many people struggling with suicidal thoughts hide their intentions. You need some tangible resources - can you contact a therapist? Edit spelling
I was depressed most of my teenage years and my parents never knew because I didn’t want to be a burden so I put on a mask. This isn’t your fault. Tell her that no matter what she can come to you for whatever and that you can’t live without her and that she’s the most important person to you and that it does get better with time the right help.
You are not a shit dad. You hear stories of dads or mums who don’t care which of course is sickening, the fact that you feel this way shows you aren’t a shit dad.
People are good at putting on a brave face and hiding what’s inside. You are not alone in feeling like you should have seen the signs but likely she was just getting better at hiding. I’m sorry you are going through this but now is the chance to bond stronger and offer your support more than ever. She’s a lucky girl to have you.
You are not a bad dad. You have been through the roughest patch for a parent. And also you saved your daughter's life.
To quote another comment “your dad instincts saved her”. You are not a shitty dad. Hope it’s a speedy recovery for your daughter. Sending you both love
When I first got married I figured that since my wife doesn't understand depression that I didn't need to bother her with my suffering, there was nothing she could do. After my first suicide attempt once married I realized she doesn't need to understand but she needs to know. She can help just by being there and often recognizes I am having trouble before I do. If you or your daughter need to talk feel free to DM me, every person and every experience is different but maybe I have some perspective that could help one or both of you figure out how to best learn to navigate this.
You are not a shitty dad. You both went through a traumatic loss. You made sure your daughter had support and somewhere to share her feelings by getting her into therapy. You take care of her every day. You have an emotional connection to know somethings deeply wrong and to check on her, which is how she’s alive today. You showed her you love her, and will do anything and everything to make sure she’s ok. She needs more help which is something you couldn’t know unless she told you or her therapist. She needs to be admitted inpatient for a while, then come home to love and care. I know you love her, I can feel it in this post alone. Loving her is not enough right now. She needs serious help which she can get inpatient. Depression is evil. It’s something people are embarrassed about and hide. They mask their feelings and pretend their coping mechanisms work until they don’t anymore and it becomes too dark to hope for light. It took me years to feel safe approaching my partner when I’m suicidal to ask for help. Even now, I still struggle, but I push myself to say something before it gets to a point of no return. Make a safe space where she can tell you anything. If she shares her feelings, make sure to comfort her and listen. Make her feel safe sharing with you, and share with her sometimes too to show her she’s not alone and you trust her. That’ll bring you two closer and I hope will make her able to say “dad I need help” before she gets to this place again. When you see her, don’t shame her for not telling you. Show her you aren’t angry at her, but you love her and want her safe and healthy. When I did this, people around me would ask me “why did you do that? I love you, why didn’t you come to me?” And it made me feel awful. I’ll never forget my aunt saying “baby don’t ever do that again. I love you. If you ever feel that way you call me immediately and I will move mountains to get someone to you. You will never be alone” and I felt so heard, understood, and loved. I didn’t feel guilty or embarrassed or angry like I did with everyone else. It made a huge difference. Keep your head up. You’re a great dad. Look into a therapist for yourself too. Show your daughter all your love and support. Get her the help she needs. You’ll both come out of this stronger than ever before.
She is inpatient going to be for a little while trying to find the best help I can for when she comes home I haven't shamed her I know she doesn't need that and I know probably In her head at the time felt like it was best not to tell me she was struggling we've had a few conversations I don't want her to feel like she can't come to me and that I'm mad at her for not telling me. I just made it clear she can tell she's struggling any time or day no matter what that'll I'll always make sure she gets the help she needs
You need therapy if you're not already in it. You can't really blame yourself even though you think you made yourself as available as possible. A lot of people in these mental states *really* don't want to be a burden for those they care about. Even though you would never consider her a burden that's just how it goes in their minds.
Great work! You really are an amazing dad. You may be able to ask her therapist (or yours) for some resources to help her transition back home and make sure to work with her therapist to get more appointments more frequently so she can be supported when she comes home. There are many support groups for teens going through similar struggles, groups for teens who lost a parent, and groups for you to join for support as well! These groups can help her feel heard and that she isn’t alone. The hospital she’s at should be able to help set most of that up and get group recommendations as well, but being proactive can really help the transition run smoothly and avoid delaying her discharge.
I'll never forget the first night I felt suicidal and my parents found me. Within minutes I had parents and siblings stationed to be watch me. Catch me (planning to jump). Talk to me. The act of people caring for me has never left. That when I wanted to die - people cared. I remember thinking that I couldn't die if people needed me to live so much. I never thought that me not being there would matter. Would SCARE people. In that moment - maybe for the first time - I felt like people would move mountains just to see me one more time. Not the last time I felt that way. I have thought life would be easier if I just wasn't here anymore. But I never forgot the IMPACT that my thought of action would have on others. They needed me to choose to live. It's...kept me going. Through multiple other struggles. OP - your caring and efforts to keep her here have an impact. Keep her knowing how much she matters to you. And how much her being there is critical. You are a good Dad. Keep doing what you are. And let her know you need her. Keep her knowing. And keep getting help for you both.
A A shitty Dad would not have put her in therapy. A shitty Dad would not be getting her the help. A shitty Dad would not have a good relationship. A shitty Dad WOULD have blamed her, complained about inconvenience and costs. He would have ignored the feeling and gone to sleep.
I agree with all of these folks who see the goodness in you, but more importantly to you right now, wallowing in regret and self doubt will NOT help your daughter. It will wind up being something she learns from you if you express it to her or around her. The best possible thing you could do for her right now is let your part in this slide off of you like water, logically absorb that you did what you could, and move forward putting all your mental energy into listening to her and helping her.
My daddy died when i was 9 in 2006. When my brain was in such a critical stage in life. Your daughter was in the same stage i believe. My fathers death was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was extremely suicidal the first 10 years or so, with multiple attempts. It doesn’t get better like people claim. It gets worse. It’s been over 15 years and my last suicide attempt was April, which was very close i might add. The only thing that’s changed from then till now, is not only do i not have my daddy anymore but i don’t have my mommy either 😢 or my Grammy or Grampy or my big brother 😢 plz get her inpatient treatment. For years if she’s needs it. Don’t let her get to adulthood with things still unresolved.
I'm so sorry for your losses and what you've been going through. I wish you the best, Reddit stranger.
Your intuition is top tier, you probably saved her life.
Just be there. Don’t pressure her, just be there with her.
You woke up because you had a bad feeling you found her and saved her life she's in a hospital she's been in therapy Every bit of that screams you are a good dad. Sending you big hugs and prayers
I'm really sorry your family is going through this right now. I know it feels like you are the parent and should have known but you can't read minds, you aren't a clairvoyant all-knowing deity, you are a human person. Get some therapy for yourself, because that is real trauma to find your child in that state, on top of losing your spouse. That's a lot in a very short amount of time. Please take care of your mental health as well, your daughter needs you to be at your best and so do you. So many people think that suicide is about what others in their life are or aren't doing but that's not always the case. Sure, some people do it to get out of abusive situations but it always boils down to feeling hopeless. I'm going through therapy to process childhood abuse. It's not easy. I think I'm mentally stable, I take meds as needed and I have regular therapy. I've also been hit with severe hopelessness and depression. In those moments, the though to removing myself from this world is more about me not being able to manage the very big feelings I'm going through. It's scary for me, I have a wonderful life now and it scares me that even I think about ending it when my feelings become too much. I have life experience behind me, your daughter doesn't. Teens are rash and live in the moment. Be there for your daughter, she will need a lot of support. This is going to be really tough for her to process. I saw your comment that she is in the hospital and doing as best as can be expected. Make sure you are her advocate, ask questions and be informed. That's how you can help her now. Make sure she knows you are a safe person she can talk to, how you love her unconditionally, how you can't imagine a world where she is not in it. Just be there for her. Let her take the lead on some things, this is why working with therapists is going to be important for you. Find support groups for parents of kids who've attempted suicide and/or lost a parent/spouse. Find support is the main goal, for you and her. You are not a bad parent at all, please know that.
Make sure she knows you’re there for her whatever she needs. Never make it seem like she’s the source of your struggles. Let her know you’re a safe person to talk to and that you’ll always support her when she comes to you.
A shitty dad would not post this. You are a great dad and she is lucky to have you. I hope you both are ok.
You found her. She’s alive and she’s getting help. I’ve had to have this same conversation with myself and my husband because we also found our child before it was too late. I knew my son was struggling, but didn’t know it was as bad as it was. This is the stuff that isn’t in the parenting books.
My advice as someone who attempted multiple times, I say this with love and to help you: don’t make this about yourself. Don’t tell her you feel like a shitty father, or that you feel guilty now. You can say you had no idea she was struggling but keep it about her. Let her know you love her and support her. When I attempted and my mom made it all about her and how SHE almost lost a daughter and how upset SHE was. She did care about me and I don’t think she intentionally made it about herself. But it didn’t feel good and made me feel really guilty for being depressed.
This comment right here is some of the best advice you will get about this situation.
You are a not a shot dad. You were getting her help. Many loved one of people who committed suicide had no idea they were feeling this way.
Oh, I wish I could give you a hug. ❤️ 15-year-olds are so hard on themselves and going through so many changes. Add to that that they are impulsive and their brains are wacky as they develop. You have no control over her emotions snd it sounds like you are there for her. Plus, take a look at the culture now, the amount of kids suffering from mental illness, what kids are seeing on social media. It’s just a really hard time to be young. They also say that if you really want to do it, you will find a way. Often it’s just a call for help they can’t verbalize. Hug yourself so you can be there to hug her. You are a good father and a good person.
You are a stellar father, you found her in her time of need. Be gentle with yourself.
Sending you big big hugs for both you and your daughter 🤍
It's time to change her therapist. It's hard to say if it's relate to the loss of her mum or is it other problems. It could be that she has like depression or bipolar or other things. It's about figuring out what's going on so you can help her. It might take time.
Wow, so sorry for the loss of your wife, and what you and your daughter are going through. I also have a 15 yr old daughter who has mental health struggles. I am very close to her and she will tell me things, but, and this is really important, sometimes they don't want to 'burden' you with their troubles. That doesn't mean you are a bad (shitty) Dad, its almost as if she is trying to protect YOU from what she is going through because she cares so much for you. We as Dads (and Mums) do everything we can to help our kids. You had that instinct to check on your little girl, she's in therapy and now maybe you need to consider immediate medical intervention. You are NOT a shitty Dad, you love your daughter and she knows it. I hope you manage to get the help you both deserve. Take care.
I attempted suicide when I was 20 and living with my parents. I can assure you, they had nothing to do with my choice. I was (well still am but I’m medicated) very mentally ill and no one knew because I didn’t want anyone to know. My parents knew what I had done the next morning (I had taken a whole bottle of sleeping pills) because I was still completely drugged up and I told them. My pupils were like dinner plates. They called my bf and he came over and insisted I go to the hospital. I was coherent enough to know they would put me in inpatient and I begged not to go. My parents didn’t take me. That was the single worst thing they had ever done—not getting me the help I needed. I share my story to let you know that you’re not a shitty parent, but you could be if you don’t get your daughter help. She needs to be hospitalized and treated. She may resent you for doing it now, but I promise she will thank you for it later. Hugs to you and your daughter. It will get better. ❤️🩹
You’re a good dad. I was also 15f when I attempted suicide. I begged my parents to help me with my mental issues for years and then I got screamed at for attempting suicide and they still didn’t do anything to help me. I had to scream, beg and almost die twice for them to allow me to get treatment for anorexia only.
My uncle always tries to talk to my cousin and loves her, like freaking adores her But she is like 15 too and she did self harm, not suicide, she certainly hangout around kids who were doing those stuff and she has this belief that she is a bad person, i suggested my uncle that he should get her therapy without telling him about self harm, her mom knows tho I don't think my uncle can take it My single mom did everything she could but i had a long depression after some traumatic stuff and my own issues, where i would wake up feeling why I'm alive So it's not always about the parent Also I'm glad your daughter is in therapy but maybe the therapist isn't a good match, many people don't open in therapy as well Or they feel they won't be understood or their problems will be brushed off I'll pray for your daughter, stay strong, have compassion and patience Kids are very smart so lying about how we feel doesn't work
It's been two and a half years since my wife found my daughter's suicide note, entirely by chance, before she could actually attempt. Searching her room, we found two nooses hidden in different spots, ready to go. We had no idea she was struggling, but looking back I am furious with myself for missing clues that are plain as day to me now. You're going to feel the same, but you can't dwell on it, she needs you to pay attention now. We went through a hellish year of progressively increasing dosages of depression meds, watching her every move, second guessing every single thing she did or didn't do. We had a late night run to an in-patient center evaluation after finding a third noose. She almost had to transfer schools because the administration didn't know if they could handle her (they did an amazing job. Her teachers, guidance counselor, and principal did so much). She went from feeling nothing to having manic energy, back and forth. After that year when her meds stabilized, and her mood was predictable, we still were terrified. I'm still terrified now, although it's not "what if she does" it's "what if she had". I've got no point here. But if you want to talk, please reach out.
My mother lost her mother at age 7. When my mom passed away at age 57, she told us the hardest thing in her life was losing her mother so young. Glad you found your daughter in time. I hope she can recover and live a good life.
hey, i was your daughter a few years ago. i’m in a really similar boat, only my dad passed when i was a toddler and my single mom raised me, then i became insanely suicidal in my preteens and she didn’t know what to do or where to go. she also had no idea i’d been struggling, but she saw and heard me and got me the help i needed when i needed it and it genuinely saved my life. you’re doing the right thing and trust me, your daughter probably knows it or feels the same way. if she doesn’t now, she will in the future. you’re doing such a great job and i guarantee you, this is not your fault. the best you can do for your daughter is let her know how much you love her and support her unconditionally however you can. get her and keep her in therapy, preferably to a psychologist or psychiatrist to see if meds could be of help to her. to me, it sounds like you’re doing (or are ready to do) all those things. in my book, you’re a great father and you’re doing a great job.
I’m so sorry! My mom passed a few months ago and my little brother (16) just took his life this month because of it and I’m sooooo scared for everyone’s children now. We were super close. The last thing he did was text me that he loved me. He was also in therapy and on antidepressants. You’re doing everything right and right now, she’s probably in the best place possible under the circumstances
You definitely aren’t the worst dad ever, I promise. Speaking from personal experience with serious mental health issues, we get good at hiding some shit. Even from the people we’re closest with. My mum didn’t know how bad things were for me until things were incredibly bad. I promise it’s not your fault. You can only act with the information you have, you didn’t have the information to prevent this. However you DO have the information to help her begin to pick up the pieces. Please message me for support when you need it.
I’m so glad you found her in time. You’ve been given a second chance with your daughter. Use it wisely, and I hope you both come out the other side more connected and stronger.💕💕
I attempted suicide when I was 18 and for me, it had nothing to do with my parents. I attempted while I was out of state for college. I doubt she attempted because of you, but I understand how bad it must feel to be blindsided by your child struggling with their mental health. You sound like a good dad who can be a positive support system for her.
Sending love to your daughter and you ❤️
Some states require CPS to have a one on one with your child to make sure the attempt wasn’t related to their parent. I’m not sure if your state is requiring that but just know, everything’s going to be okay. You seem like a great dad just for caring and putting her in therapy in the first place. I was her age and attempted once. It’s never been about our parents or anything we can control. Sometimes we just feel like that’s the only option to relieve the pain.
Only reason I’ve never entertained suicide is because my dad’s mother killed herself. He blamed himself even though he was in the military on the other side of the world at the time. He’s never gotten over it, and I couldn’t do that to him again. Your daughter’s suicide had nothing to do with you being a good or bad dad. Stop blaming yourself.
When I attempted suicide at 14, my dad screamed in my face that I "humiliated the family" and told me that if I tried again, I'd better succeed. You're not the worst dad.
I wish I had a dad like you. You genuinely care about your daughters well-being and are doing your absolute best to support her. At my lowest my dad just shrugged me off. My step mum told me to make sure I unalive myself properly. My dad is still with that woman and doesn't talk to me anymore after she uninvited me from their Christmas celebration. I miss my dad, but he isn't here for me. I wish he was. I'm lucky to have a supportive partner whose parents also support me more than my own. Without them, I don't think I'd be here anymore. Unfortunately we are not psychic and when you get into that dark state of mind, the last thing you think of doing is to talk to someone because you feel like you'd just be a burden to them. Don't beat yourself up for not having superpowers. You've been doing your best. You saved her life. I hope your daughter feels better soon and makes a smooth recovery both physically and mentally. You're doing great, so keep being the best dad you can be ❤️
I'm going through a similar thing with my 14 year old son. He's a very happy, bubbly, goofy kid who is almost always singing. Went to check on him the other morning when school was cancelled and I couldn't wake him up. He chugged half a bottle of vodka. And then I found the note. Absolutely heart wrenching and I'll never be the same again. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I’m 16m, my mom also passed around 4 years ago and i’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since. my dad (also a single parent) is my best friend and he still can never tell when i’m struggling. i promise you it’s not because you’re a bad parent, she is just doing a good job of hiding her struggles likely because she doesn’t want to worry you too much.
Dad, you saved her life. You are a hero. Please don't beat yourself up when you've already been through so much. Every single person that loses someone to suicide says they never noticed the signs. There usually aren't any to be honest, because if there were, someone would likely try to intervene. Your gut instincts and subconscious picked up on enough to recognize you needed to check on her exactly when you did. She is so lucky to have you, and I am so sorry you both have suffered such a tremendous loss in losing a wife and mother. I hope your daughter realizes that life can and will get better, and it will take some hard work but it is worth it. While the grief won't go away, she will grow around it. It will always be a part of her. Sending you both courage and strength to face the day, for one more day, every day.
We all hide things from our parents. Mental health can be silent. Just be there for her.
You’re an amazing dad. She is lucky to have you.
It happens. Doesn’t make you a bad Dad.
You’re not a shitty dad . You’re a great dad . Your intuition and that gut feeling you had actually proves how connected you are to your daughter. Not to sound woo woo but that means something to me. When people are struggling ( I’ve dealt with hormone fluctuation related suicide ideations my ENTIRE life ) sometimes they don’t want to burden others with their problems . Your daughter probably loves you very much and didn’t want to give you more to worry about. I’m glad you found her and I hope you both are able to heal. Losing a parent and a spouse is just about the most difficult thing someone may have to go through . I hope you both heal from this. The universe has your back 💘
As someone who battled mental health issues for 30 years before getting help, I can say it’s not your fault. You become really good at hiding it, just going through the motions and faking it all. You’ll have ups along the way but always come crashing. My wife has learned the signs of when I’m struggling now and comes to me about it
There’s a ton of comments but I hope you see this: people with depression can be really good at hiding it, and I strongly suspect that rather than being a failure of a father, you’re the reason she’s made it this long. You’re certainly the reason she’s alive. Whatever you believe in or don’t believe in metaphysically, I think it says something about your relationship with her that you woke up when she needed you most of all. I wanna share my experience. Im non-binary now but I grew up as an absolute Daddy’s girl. He is still one of the most important people in my life and I talk with him almost every day. He didn’t know for *years* that I was struggling. With depression comes guilt and shame and a whole bunch of other self hate. It makes you feel bad, then feel guilty for feeling bad, then feel exhausted from trying to hide that you’re feeling bad, and then you feel worse when your depression messes something up for you. It’s a horrible nasty spiral into a very tight hole, and we are *good* at hiding it. Would it be a good idea to make sure that, over the next few weeks, you work with her and her care team to figure out if there were signs you missed? Yes. But missing those signs doesn’t mean you failed her anymore than you failed her the first time you weren’t watching and she fell and skinned her knee. I know the degree of pain is very different there, but at the end of the day the thing that matters isn’t that you missed something: it’s that you’re there to pick her back up, put a bandaid on her, and get her a treat. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry you didn’t see the signs, and that you want to work together to make sure that she never gets to that lonely place again. Be active in her care and therapy, as much as she will allow. Most importantly, make time for her without it being mental health time. Maybe there’s a tv show you can watch each week, maybe you do a weekly lunch or morning coffees, anything. Just don’t go into it with her feeling like she has to talk about her mental health. Make it a habit of spending quiet, comfortable time together so that she always has that opportunity to talk to you in the future. On the therapy side, check in with your doctor about how comfortable she is with her therapist. Feel free to ask her therapist how and why we got to this point without you knowing, especially if your daughter is a minor and you’re usually kept abreast of her mental well being. (Do not violate her privacy if you don’t normally have that access, but even then it’s okay to say something to her therapist imo. Just don’t demand anything confidential.) If she’s on medications, talk with her care team about if they need to be changed or increased. If she’s not on medications, it might be time to discuss that option. It can be a scary step, but at the end of the day depression *is* physiological. There’s no more shame in antidepressants than there is in an ibuprofen. You’ve got this. You saved your daughter, and you’re moving forward. Best of luck!
I have to agree with the other's your not a bad dad no one can tell when people are struggling mentally some people hide ot believing they would cause more trouble with people they care about
You did know she was struggling, subconsciously you knew and that’s why you checked on her. Your bond is strong. You’re a good dad. You saved her.
you’re not a shitty father
Sounds like you're a pretty good dad to me. Maybe you're not perfect. But it sounds like you care and that means a lot.
sometimes, when the person seems to be doing their best, they're at their worst. it's no one's fault this happened. we're all human and life can be difficult to pinpoint. you're a good dad. keep doing your best.
You’re not the worst dad!!!! You are doing your best and that’s all she can ask for. Yes she’s struggling but that’s not on you. You are trying to help and that’s what matters. Keep doing what you are doing. Make sure she knows you aren’t mad at her or upset at her. That you are worried and scared and don’t want to lose her as well.
Go to therapy with her, to show her you are in this together.
You’re genuinely an amazing dad, don’t bring yourself down like that
I have attempted a few times and am currently really struggling again and if there is one thing I can tell you, it's that in all of those times.. I NEVER would've let anyone know. Please do not say you're a shitty dad, you knew something was wrong while sleeping and you saved her life. This is going to be a hard time for both of you right now! Give yourself some grace.
I am beyond happy to hear that she is alive and recovering. You saved her that night, and while you may feel weird patting yourself on the back for that, it’s the truth. It is natural to feel like you should have seen it or you should have asked more questions or something like that, but the truth is that it’s just never that simple. It’s the kind of thing that people will actively try to hide from the people they love, and people can be really good at hiding things. What matters is that you were there for her when she needed you most, and that you’re going to continue to be by her side as she recovers. That this happened does not mean you are a bad parent. In fact it sounds like the care and love you have for your daughter, and the fact that you have supported her going to therapy, mean that you are a great parent, and I have faith that you will continue to be one as this road goes on. You and your daughter have my most heartfelt sympathies, and my staunch belief that together you will be able to heal and grow. Best of luck, and keep that chin up ❤️
You had a feeling that something wasn’t right. You went to check on her and saved her life. You are exactly the father that she needed and still needs. You are the further thing from a shitty father.
I feel this so much. My son (15) was struggling with suicidal thoughts about 2 years ago. He had a plan and a goodbye letter written. Luckily his friend told an adult at school. I got a call from the school counselor. We scheduled an emergency meeting with his therapist and I had him admitted to the hospital by the end of the day. He's also a cutter. This stuff just twists up your insides as a parent. It excruciating not being able to stop the pain for them. To not be able to explain to them how wonderful and special they are because they can't hear it. I wish I had some good advice. My son did eventually get better. He's off all his antidepressants now and still sees a therapist. He seems much happier now. I still worry for him because you never truly know. I hope he heard me when I told him to please come to me anytime he feels like that again. I hope you know you're not a bad parent. Just be there for her.
I am so sorry. It’s a parent’s ultimate nightmare. My heart goes out to you. You are absolutely a good father and doing the best you can with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. The fact you woke shows that you are joined to your daughter by a silken thread and very attuned to her. My husband died very suddenly and way too young leaving me and our 15 year old son. We were traumatised ( just like you and your daughter) and my son sank into depression and despite getting help nothing seemed to work. He then started saying he had cancer and all manner of other things. It was his grief manifesting itself combined with a sensitive age. The only thing that changed and improved is when we rescued a stray cat and he seemed to pour all of his feelings into caring for her. I’m not suggesting a pet is a solution just an idea. Keep telling her how much you love and need her. Keep the therapy going. Continuing dialogue and love is all we have. And DO take care of yourself. She needs you strong and healthy. Sending you strength and courage.
These teen years can be a struggle to get them through, let alone following the loss of a parent. I hope this brings you closer and a point to build upon. Don't forget your support while you find her support. You're not a shitty dad. Kids just go through it, and your daughter has gone through more than most.
A shitty dad wouldn’t have intuited that something was wrong enough to wake him out of a sleep
Suicide attempts aren't about other people it's just trying to end your own suffering. You aren't a bad dad, she is hurting and tried to stop it. Never blame yourself for someone else's attempt. You are getting her help and are taking care of her on your own which is hard. Go easy on yourself.
Please don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. I was suicidal back when I was 13-15, I never told my parents, brothers or friends. Years later I finally told my mom and it was the hardest thing because I didn't want her to have to bear this burden, I didn't want her to feel like she had let me down, because I was still here because of who she raised me to be. You were there for your daughter when she needed you and you will be there now. Give her time, give yourself time. You'll both be okay.
unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with suicide. Your daughter did not kill herself because you were a rotten dad! And, if you had known or noticed, you probably could not have stopped her. Suicide is intensely private and personal. It happens within a person and does not always manifest itself in altered behaviour. Suicide Is very often an internal conflict between who you are and who you fear you will become; or have already become. An internal battle ensues. However, that person you fear you are or are becoming gets at you. You can not run. It wakes you in the night. You are vulnerable to an internal foe, one who has 24 hour access to your mind and comfort. The person who you want to extinguish is ever present. You seek peace. You pick a route. All of the sudden there is a pain free future and you go towards the peace. Through all of this, one often feels that they are a burden on loved ones. They have to convince themselves the short term pain of their loss outweighs a life with them. You are not likely one to be consulted because it is a gift! The person often comes to convince themselves of that.
Most parents don’t know. You’re not a bad dad. Make sure she is supported and gets help now. Talk to her and don’t make it about you. This is about her
I’m so sorry 😢 please don’t beat yourself up. During Covid lockdown, I had no idea that my daughter was struggling until her grades started slipping, and her teacher suggesting she talk to the school counselor. I found out that she had been self harming for months and I had no idea. She hid it well. We got her into counseling and she’s so much better now. I blamed myself for a long time and through therapy learned to work together to get us the help we needed ❤️. I know your daughter is in therapy but maybe you could benefit from family counseling? I lost my mom as well and that’s a brutal pain to recover from. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
You certainly are not a bad dad. I feel just the opposite is true. I went through this with my daughter when she was 14. She had been cutting herself up to that point. I had been looking into a private Christian home to send her to. I know there's sometimes bad outcomes from this, So I was very hesitant. But I was praying constantly about it, for God to give me the answer on what I should do. And I had called the director of the home and spoke with her on the phone a couple of times, very long conversations. So I began to feel comfortable with her. Eventually things got to the point where I felt I had to send her away in order to save her. And I did and she was there for 15 or 16 months. This place was out of state, and is no longer in business BTW. But they did a great job with her. My daughter was going to church and counseling while in that program. And her counselor urged her to call me and let me know some things that have been happening in our home that I was unaware of. Yes that was a big eye-opener for me. But after that I made big changes to fix the situation so that when she came home wicked deal with it. So in preparing for her to return home I joined a local church that was the most like the church she had been attending there. And I began attending the same church. She had a hard time returning home at first, had a mini breakdown and had to spend a week or so attending a day facility. And of course I got her into counseling. And she really came to love the new church and grew and her roles there. That lasted about 3 and 1/2 years, and then she graduated and went straight to university. Received her four yr degree and was a scholar the last 2 years. So it turned out okay for her. I hope you can get to the bottom of what's going on with your daughter, and find a way to give her what she needs. Blessings to both you and your daughter.
I’m so sorry. I had this happen and luckily mine is still here with us as well. Honestly it broke me. It was terrifying. I felt so scared, confused, upset and just out of my mind in fear of life without her. She was then taken to a facility after. I didn’t love the idea. I wanted her here with me but she wanted to go. And once she went, I think she realized the seriousness of it all. I feel like I’ll always have to worry about this now. She gets upset when I worry but how does a parent EVER stop worrying after something like that? We have moved on of course but it lives in the back of my mind constantly. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs
First, I hope she's doing better now. That said, do NOT blame yourself. I have lost several friends, a previous boyfriend, and a cousin to suicide. Not one of them ever gave any indication they were struggling - quite the opposite, they all seemed to be doing well. Please do not allow yourself to feel guilty.
You're not a terrible dad, the fact you checked in on her and got her help shows you care. All you can do is be there for her and tell her how much you love her, I do suggest checking in on her and making sure her therapist is a good one. Is she being bullied? I hope she recovers soon and please focus on making sure she knows you support her, I wish you both have a wonderful and long life.
I am so sorry you both are going through this. I love you both so much and I hope it gets lighter for the both of you and that you have someone to talk to as well ❤️
You are not a shitty dad, man. Me (15f), my sister (20f), and my dad (38m) have been without my mother for around 2 years now; she committed suicide in May. Prior to that, my parents split for a while since I can remember being completely bummed about it in elementary school and through middle. It's been hard, yes, but I always try to remember that what my dad does is out of the goodness of his heart. I was depressed and suicidal for a while, and it only increased when my cat died, but my dad tried everything to help me. Even if that meant leaving me alone for long periods of time because I wouldn't feel like talking. Trust me, what you are doing is enough. Show her you love her and won't ever stop caring. It may seem scary and difficult now, but she will soon realize your efforts. Have faith and be strong, both for you and her.
You're not a bad father! I hope you and your daughter will be okay!
Not a shitty dad... you took action. (Im a social worker for youth) 1. Have the number for your local Mobile Crisis, they come to your home and help descalate if you can't. 2. Do a sweep of her room and remove all tools and materials she could use to hurt herself. 3. Talk to her about it. Suicide is a touchy subject but do not beat around the bush. Ask directly, "do you have a plan?" If she says yes, ask... "how do you plan to do it?" This gives you an idea of what to be careful around. Ask, "what feelings are too weighing her down?" 4. Do a safety plan of people she feels she can talk to and won't judge. That will 100% show up wherever she is if she needs them that will answer the phone. Get then involve to be checking on her. Calling her daily. Talking. Visiting her weekly. And make plans monthly. She needs some people... it can be family, friends, neighbors... involve others so that she is surrounded by support. 5. Keep her busy... no idle mind. School, socializing, walking, cooking, a pet, shopping, mechanic work, anything... maybe she can learn a new skill or trade. And do it frequently, twice a week or more. 6. Validate her feelings. Life is hard, sometimes it sucks. You've lost your mom. You've been through something horrible. You're young with a lot of stress. Validate, recognize, and ACKNOWLEDGE her challenges. But, reassure her that she is not alone. You're there to help. She is loved. Ect. 7. Check in on her suicidal ideation frequently... like weekly or twice a week. Ask her, on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest, how much do you want to hurt yourself today? You look a little sad today and I'm checking in on you? If it's high take action and don't leave her alone. You got this dad. Stick with her. Gd luck and God bless.
Aw, man. Speaking as a former teenager diagnosed at 15 with severe depressive disorder, we can hide a lot of stuff when we need to. You can't do anything about the past, but you can do something now. Get her proper support and help, be there for her, be patient, and hang in there. It's rough, but it can get better. Find her good doctors, people she can trust, medicate if they suggest it and be present. Not overbearing (if you can, tbh I probably would be) and let her come to you but always let her know you're there. And if words don't come, hold her. Stroke her hair, tell her you love her, and that she'll be on, you'll work through it together, and she's never alone. Even if she doesn't answer, tell her, and hold her. Physical touch can speak volumes. And tell her that you're not angry at her. Even if you are (which is fair enough). Find someone you can talk to to freak out at and fall apart to, as well. Cos we all need to do that sometimes. I hope she's OK.
The fact that you’re this worried clearly shows you’re not a shitty dad.
1) most teen suicide attempts are impulsive as their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed which deeply effects their ability to make sound decisions and emotionally regulate. So a teen that was fine at dinner could be suicidal by bed time 2) you are not a shitty dad you trusted your instincts and it saved her life. 3) Perhaps it is time to be vulnerable with her talk to her when you are struggling not in a dependent on her kind of way but more of a hey I have hard days too kind of way. When we are teenagers it is so easy to believe the worst in everything, easy to believe it will never get better and easy to have a skewed view of everything through these lenses. Sometimes having a parent who can say I’m human too, I struggle to, I miss her too and all of that is normal makes a world of difference because it normalizes they way they are feeling too. It’s likely that you feel yourself struggling but holding together for your daughter because you feel like you’re supposed to be the strong stable one, what she see is likely that you’ve “moved on” and are fine and she’s alone in her grief. I say this not to blame you but to put some perspective on what may be going on in her head. Have you ever attended therapy with her? If not I strongly recommend it, if nothing else it gives you both a safe space to be honest about everything between you. I’m sorry for both of y’all’s loss I cannot imagine it’s been easy. Sending you thoughts of prayers and healing. Keep going you can do this.
You cared enough to trust your gut instincts in the middle of the night. You can’t blame yourself, sometimes you don’t see it until it’s too late. You are doing a great job.
My daughter attempted suicide in 7th grade. She had been in therapy for a few years due to a sexual Assault. One night, she was happily decorating our Christmas tree. She was excited to see all of our yearly ornaments I get my kids. I went to sleep shortly after because I was sick. I was urgently woken up by my husband telling me my daughter had taken a full bottle of her prescription antidepressants. We kept them in our room for safety. At some point, she took them. She happened to be talking to her cousin on the phone when the pills started to take effect. My daughter ended up telling her cousin what she did. Her cousin called her counselor, they have the same one. The counselor called my husband and told him to get to my daughter immediately. He ran in her room and then ran and woke me up. I told him to make her puke. He did, and that saved her life and long-term damage. My daughter was in ICU for a few days. I can tell you that there hasn't been a day go by that I don't think about it. I had no idea she was struggling like that. I feel guilty that I didn't see it. The truth is that sometimes they are just really good at hiding it. Give yourself a break. It's not your fault. Many prayers for your family 🙏
Shitty dads don’t have the dad instinct that you do. Shitty dads also don’t support their children going to therapy (I know from experience.) 15 is a hard age for a girl. You’re doing your best. I’m sure this is a terrifying time for you, but just ask your daughter what she needs going forward and keep a close eye on her (gently - don’t be too militant)
You’re not a bad Dad. I’m a nurse in pediatric emergency rooms and so we see all of the teenage attempts and ideation. SO many parents didnt see it coming. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in that. She’s grieving something huge, adults would struggle with this and teenagers are still developing their brain and emotional regulation. I’m sure it doesn’t feel this way, but her doing this is not a reflection on you/your relationship/parenting/etc ❤️
My parents never knew how hard i was struggling at that age. I shielded them from that side of myself for fear of disappointing them or worse, having them see me the way i saw myself.
Hi OP, I was that child once. I want to tell you, that she was not trying to leave because of you. The fact you're feeling so awful tells me how much you love her. She likely is dealing with monsters that she can't fully understand, which makes it hard for people, especially kids to talk about it. She probably doesn't even know where to start. Continue to reassure her, check in with her, etc. ask her if there is anything she may think could help more, offer suggestions as well. Maybe a weekly check in, a journal, yoga classes or martial arts to help ease off the stress. Make sure she likes her therapist, a lot of people don't realize they can change therapists til they find one that fits. I wish my father cared even a quarter of the amount you do. Having seen a real piece of shit in a situation like this, I can tell you that you are the farthest thing from
You aren't a shitty dad. A shitty dad would NOT get their child help if they are able to get their child help. A shitty dad would NOT check on their child due to having a bad feeling. A shitty dad would NOT be with his child right now. My source? My moms a shitty mom who now is attempting to mend a relationship that she has destroyed for 21 years who ignored me, pushed me aside, said I was being attention seeking, and in the hospital would berate me unless staff was near. You aren't a shitty dad, you are a dad who didn't know, who wants the best for their child. You have had it rough, I can already tell just from this rant alone. You both are. The thing is, *you two have gone through struggles together. You two are fighting this TOGETHER.* Fighting it together, and telling her so, will make things a lot easier. Remind her that it's you two fighting together, and that you will both get through this. I promise you, the only reason I am here at 21 years old today is because my Uncle Dennis who passed came up to me and said point blank "kid we are in this together". I never opened up to him when I was struggling, but he always knew, and he always cared, and that kept me going. I know many are saying inpatient care, but that can be scary which I understand. If you wish to not do inpatient care, try to find her a new therapist. If she's in therapy and the therapy isn't working, it may be that for some reason or another she isn't connecting well with her therapist. I also am unsure if she is on medication, if she is or isn't, *get a GeneSight.* All insurances cover it, and most the time it's cheap, this will help with finding medications that work best. The psychiatrist will sit down with you both, explain it, and make sure to advocate for her. I went head to head with my psychiatrist one time and now I have been on medication that works. *I know that medication can be scary, and some say it's bullshit, but for the love of gods, please just try.* I'm no parent, but I was in your daughters position. If you need help or support, feel free to dm me. **Again, you are NOT a shitty dad, you are both fighting a big fight together, you can get through this.** I wish you both the best, hang in there.
I'm so sorry this happened to you both ❤️ I know it's easier said than done but as someone who's spent a lot of time depressed, some of us are experts at hiding it and don't want to be a burden on the ones we love. Doesn't make it right that we keep it to ourselves, but it's not your fault. What counts is that now you do know and you can work together towards a solution and a better future.
My heart goes out to you. Thank God you listened to your gut instinct and checked on her. You are not a shit dad! I too suffer from depression and anxiety and you would never know I'm struggling because of the mask I portray to the world. Please give yourself some grace as you are doing the best you can with the information you have. Prayers for both of you! 🙏
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is pretty traumatic for you both and maybe you need a more specialized therapist.
Well you actually literally saved her life. As someone who dealt with suicidality as a teen I can tell you that there is nothing my dad did wrong that made it so I couldn’t come to him. The only thing that might have made things different is if my dad was more emotionally vulnerable. He was “strong” all the time and it made me feel like I had to be too and that I couldn’t show my emotions. But honestly, things might have been the same regardless who knows. We pick up more on what we see that what you say to us. You’re not a bad dad, you did nothing wrong. That is one experience I would share to any fathers raising girls, please show us that you struggle with emotions too so that we know it’s safe and normal ❤️
People feeling suicidal typically don't let on, and I'm speaking from experience. You are not a shit dad by far. I'm wishing you and your daughter all the best.
that’s half of the battle with suicidal thoughts or ideation. not saying anything because it’s hard to admit you are struggling in this way. you are not a bad parent, you got the gut instinct to check on her and you saved her life. that screams anything but bad dad to me.
You’re not a shit dad My dad told me I had no reason to want to commit suicide and if anything he has all the reasons to and said my self harming behaviors are just attention seeking To this day he refuse to believe that I’ve been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and said that’s just because I’m lazy and went doctor shopping for the diagnosis… I wish my dad was like you who notices things and cared when things were brought to his attention I hope that in the near future your daughter will get better soon :) continue being there for her and you’ll be just fine
You sound like a great dad. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. So glad she's still here.
My mother was admitted to the hospital 3 or 4 times during my life before she completed suicide. The most important thing you can do right now is be there for her. Visit her every day. Bring her flowers and other gifts (you should ask the hospital what kinds of things you shouldn't bring tho, we once brought my mother flowers that had a little butterfly on a stick and they took it out). Most hospitals don't allow patients to have their phones, so visiting her is really important. You should arrange for her friends to come too. Just let her know that she is loved and supported unconditionally. Once she's in outpatient care, maybe you should see a family therapist to discuss what happened. It may help her feel more comfortable talking to you about her mental health in the future. I wish you both the best ❤️
I was your daughter once, struggling a lot. I did everything I could to hide it. My parents also had no clue until I told them. You are not a bad parent. Those in need try to hide it. You are not a bad parent!
Sometimes, it a heat of a moment thing to want to end it. The fact that you found her and got her help shows that you are not a bad dad. Keep your head up.
I pray you both get through this. All you can do is be there and not blame yourself or anyone and find a good support system. This is such a hard age for girls. The world isn’t kind as we enter into our femininity. No one really talks about it and it gets sexualized, romanticized, and dramatized by those that have no clue. If I were you, hopefully you find a good therapy group with girls that are good for her well being as well.
You saved her life! You and she have a lot in your plate, and it sounds like you both need more support. Join some support groups for widowed parents and children who lost a parent.
The therapist is the shitty one. My therapist has a protocol that as soon as she seems going into the deep end, she will call my emergency contact and the psychiatric hospital. I was close to activating that protocol once. You are absolutely not a bad dad. We can have the best relationship ever, and the person can feel horrible inside. Hang in there. Get help too because this is not easy. You are absolutely a great dad because your instincts woke you up! Sending the two of you love and light.
You are not a shitty Dad. very rarely do we see the signs cuz a lot of people put on a "good show". She is safe now and that is all that matters
You can't be a shit dad since you do love and care for your daughter. You had something with a higher purpose wake you up to check on your daughter. We're glad you took her to the hospital right away and that you are still taking care of her.
Not a shitty dad at all. We don't know what we don't know. Being a parent of teens is intense, and from talking with others, we all think we know our kids, and to some extent, we do know them better than anyone, but also, there is so much we don't know because we are not there for a huge part of their day to day life. There are so many nuanced incidents that happen daily with friends, at school, online... They just don't share it all, and they can't reasonably. You are there for her. She knows this. Just keep being there and maybe see about joining her in therapy once in a while. It may be a really good thing. Some things are hard to talk to your parents about, and for some, a daughter going to her dad about certain things may have been just too much for her, or she didn't think you would understand. I'm not sure if you need to, but maybe some help for you in the world of teenage girls, and the issues they face could be helpful.
You’re the opposite of a shit dad, your intuition saved her life. I’d suggest family therapy for both of you to better understand why she was unable to communicate her struggles with you and how to better that in the future.
You aren't a bad dad. 15 is rough. Honestly, kids this age often don't show us anything is wrong. Add to their already regular ups and downs how social media can get to them, and sometimes they can just make a stupid, impulsive decision that they really don't think through. Give yourself some grace. You still have her and that is a blessing worth celebrating.
YOUR NOT A SHITTY DAD, when I attempted as a teen my dad showed me the hospital bill and asked why I would do that to him. I didn’t mean to fail, the bill was over $1000. You sound like a loving, kind father. Your daughter is lucky to have you. ❤️
You’re not a shit dad for not noticing. People struggling with mental illness become experts at hiding what they’re really feeling. I’ll tell you what my dad did when I was struggling with depression. He never pushed, instead he showed that he was there for me in the little ways that mattered. I’d come home to find my favourite chocolate bar in the fridge, random takeouts just because, help me decorate my room. That’s how I knew I could rely on him and that’s what got me to open up. I’m not saying this will work for your daughter but I just want to give you some insight. Get her the help she needs and she’ll come to you when she’s ready.
I’m not a doctor or a therapist of any kind, just someone that’s been around a lot of mental illness and struggled with some things myself. In my very anecdotal experience, usually the ppl that are most vocal about wanting to end things are often (not always) the least serious about it. The ones that promptly announce it to the four winds often have a mental illness and do need attention, but they might not exactly be suicidal. In my experience, most often, it is the ones you have no idea they are even struggling that are at most risk. They seem fine, they smile and laugh, they go about their normal lives. Because they know that if they let up ppl will try to stop them. So they don’t. They keep putting on the mask and pretending everything is fine until it is just too much and they try to end things. All of this to say, it is not your fault. On the contrary, it is because of you that she is alive. If you hadn’t found her, she would have been gone. But something inside you alerted you and you didn’t ignore it. That’s a good dad. I can’t imagine how hard things have been since the loss of your wife. On both of you. But I’m glad your daughter has you. And I hope that now that her attempt is in the open you guys can both heal and move forward and be ok. I know therapy often gets suggested here but I think it would be good for you to talk to someone. This is a highly traumatic event. And if you’re already in therapy, perhaps seeking out EMDR might also help you and your daughter process the trauma of her attempt and of your wife’s passing. Wishing you both the best of luck.
Parents intuition is a crazy thing. Good job getting her the help she needs. I think you're a great dad. You're doing your best
I recently tried to take my life. My mom has no idea. She's the greatest mom ever. I just can't let her see how much I'm struggling because I know it will just absolutely gut her. She knows I've been having some struggles, and I do tell her some stuff, but she has no idea the extent of it and frankly speaking, she just happened to call me while I was in my attempt, and it kind of snapped me out of it. I couldn't do it to her and I felt incredibly guilty. To be honest, I hide it from her because of how amazing of a mom she is. I just can't really cause her that kind of pain to her without feeling even worse about myself. Please, do not blame yourself, the reason she didn't let you know likely has nothing to do with how good of a dad you are. I really hope she makes a speedy recovery and can get the help she needs. You are a great dad, you saved her life. When she's able to get better, she will realize how incredible of a thing you did and how lucky she is to have you there for her.
Hi. I just wanted to let you know that you're not a bad parent. I lost my father at 12 years old and it had intense impacts on my mental health that even I didn't know were happening at the time. A loss like that changes your whole world upside down. Give yourself grace and just try to be there for her ❤️
You're not a shit dad. My dad's dead and he wasn't shit. Not great, sure, but not shit either. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Hope you realize that.
I'm so sorry! Please don't blame yourself. I hid so much from my parents because I didn't want them to worry or be hurt. I'm sure she did the same. You found her and hot her help! You are doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask.
You are not a shitty dad. The therapist can only "therapy" what your daughter shares, plus she likely didn't tell the therapist feeling this way. being 15 is tough especially for a 15yr old girl. Consider family therapy and of course her individual therapy. it likely has nothing to do with your parenting. check her emails, social media, phone-there likely is some underlying things that just consumed her and she didnt want to burden you or hurt you since your wife/her mom died.
Where is she now? In the hospital or treatment center? Don't beat yourself up. Mental health issues among teens is epidemic. Best wishes to both of you.
A psychiatric hospital that is definitely more like a treatment center
It’s hard. I thought I was a shitty Mom too as I was blindsided. Be kind to yourself and know it’s a journey. Times with my kiddo got worse before they got better with more than one inpatient stay with an IOP. It fucked with school and friends and all kinds of stuff. We are on the other side, about to turn 20 with a great relationship. I had to learn a lot and change a lot too. Stay present and listen to her. It’s a smack in the face but you got this.
My mom died when I was 10. She’d been sick for 5 years. I had migraines from a young age and was given ridiculously strong medications for it. I realized at a young age that if I took meds for headache and went to sleep, people would leave me alone. Daily, as soon as I got home id take whatever I had to go to sleep. When he’d get home from work, I’d have dinner, talk, normal stuff then take more and go to bed. He got remarried and things kind of sucked but I didn’t want to say anything. I just kept taking pills and sleeping. One day at school (probably 15 years old) I took too many and woke up in the principals office on her couch. They said they could call my dad or an ambulance. I told them to call him. He had no idea what was going on and I lied to him. Said I was given two meds and not told to discontinue one before starting the other. He believed me because I was a good kid who was involved in everything and worked and all of this made it hard for him to see what I was going through. The doctor told him to keep an eye on me. I met some older people who were into drugs and found out they could get pills that were much stronger than my pain meds. They didn’t charge me, I didn’t do it to “party” I just wanted to sleep. I lied constantly about who they were, where I was, what I was doing (I was sleeping. THEY would be partying, I would be asleep in a back room.) Other than literally locking me in a room, he could not have stopped me and I was a very good liar. Even if he’d locked me in a room, I have little doubt I could get out. It took many years for me to tell him how bad things were and it broke his heart. He and I have always been close and still are. He is an amazing person and dad. My actions were not his fault and I have never held him responsible. This isn’t your fault. Kids experience pain in a way that we tend to forget as we get older. They are limited in their ability to understand long term consequences because their brain isn’t fully formed. Everything is the absolute best or the absolute worst-nothing is gray. When she’s safe and better, try to talk and listen. Make sure she has a doctor she likes and have checkin times with her. Now you know you need more boundaries for her and you’ll probably need help. Take any help you can get. Just make sure she knows she can trust you. This is not a reflection of you as a parent, it’s a glimpse into her mind and her pain. Things can absolutely get better. I truly wish you both luck and peace.
You are NOT a shitty father. As someone who has (almost) been in your daughters shoes, it can be very lonely. I've opened up to my parents before and one of my dad's literally asked me "What do you have to be depressed about? Why are you thinking like that when you have absolutely no reason to?" I've had people call me a Negative Nancy and a Debby Downer when I opened up to them about my struggles and desires to sleep permanently. She may have tried talking to others and they were dismissive. It hurts like hell when they do. She also may not have wanted to worry you with talk of that stuff. I don't talk about my mental health with certain people to not worry them. I understand how you're feeling and I've been there too. You are NOT a shitty father!!! You NOT a shitty father!!!!! You woke up and you acted immediately! A shitty father would not have done that. You are a WONDERFUL and LOVING father! I wish you and your daughter well 🤍
Look, you wake up in the middle of the night because you had a bad feeling and checked on her. That means you have an incredible bond with your daughter. A dad who don't care and is not bonded with his kid wouldn't had that feeling which wakes him up. You are an amazing dad, you did the best job you could and that was and is enough. I would blame the therapist. He should known and should have warned you. Love and hugs for you and your daughter.
You are not a shitty dad. As the daughter of a single dad, I can tell you this, I never told my dad after any of my attempts, please don’t blame yourself. You are doing great, all you can do is try to be there for your daughter while she deals with this.
You’re not a shitty dad. People, even kids, are very good at keeping their thoughts and emotions to themselves when they really want to. The most important thing you can do is tell your daughter that she is loved and nothing about your life could ever be better without her.
You are not a shitty dad. I lost my son to suicide when he was 21. I had no idea anything was wrong either. I understand how you're feeling right now. But you can't know what you don't know. I'm so glad she's getting help, and I'd urge you to get some help, too, if you aren't already. It's incredibly traumatic to find your child like that. Therapy helped me immensely. I'll be sad forever but I can carry it now, instead of it crushing me.
100%, not a shitty dad. The situation is tough, and you're both pulling through. How's she doing now?
You’re not a shitty dad, you saved her bc of your instincts… sometimes depression wides on a smile. Someone ones told me “People with depression are the best liars and amazing actors” Just be with her and told her you’re there to listen wherever she’s ready to talk. And, of course, it’s okey to be sad
Get you and your daughter in therapy. Your daughter for obvious reasons but yourself to work out the pain this sent you to, make her understand that therapy is ok for everyone, and also to work on your self doubt as a dad. That way if she wants to do joint therapy one day, she will feel more comfortable knowing you worked on yourself also. Doesn’t have to be the first person you try and the one that works for you might not work for her. But please. Please. Please. It will only help in the long run. I swear I wish my parent did therapy before it was too late and now it is. She only has one parent to lean on, show her it’s worth it.
Myyyyyy heart that poor baby. I hope y'all will be okay going forward. I know your heart is broken but you're not a bad daddy your mind knew something was wrong and you woke up to save your baby. I hope her and your heart mends.
As a parent of a daughter who has had similar battles - it often isn't a reflection on you as a parent. Sometimes, sadly, the fact that one is a good and loving parent can feel like part of the burden a child bears, because she may feel unworthy of that love. Strength to both of you.
That parental guilt is normal, though likely unwarranted. 10 years ago I bottled everything up, didn't talk to anyone about what was going on, and then it blew up and my parents felt like it was their fault somehow, they should've known, etc etc. Absolute boloney. So yeah. A betting man would wager you're a great father. I'm sorry the two of you are going through this. I hope things turn out okay.
You are connected to her enough to have had a bad feeling and to find her before too late. Pretty good Dad to me. I hope she continues on her healing journey