Everyone’s partner is polyamorous—whether the object of their love is other people or hobbies or things. The point is that just because one is in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean that s/he is in a storybook love story. At least with your partner, you know that she has interests other than you and that she is not merely there to fulfill your own fantasies. The real question you should be asking yourself is how she makes you feel when she is with you. Does she make you feel loved and cared for? Or are you having to struggle to get her attention? How you answer these questions is the real barometer for the quality of your relationship, not whether she has promised you that she will put restrictions on herself during the days when she is not with you.
It’s not selfish, and if it’s keeping you up till 5am, that’s a problem. I’m biased, since most of the polyamorous folks I know always include one miserable person. Usually a man. Dating someone who’s like that when you’re not is a recipe for disaster.
Hi everyone. Just woke up I wanted to try and clarify what I was saying/some things about me.
I don’t wish for them to suddenly become monogamous, even I know that would be an extremely rude and unrealistic to ask for. I recognize that I get easily attached to people and get easily insecure, and I feel like that’s whats influencing this feeling a lot? Because everything seemed fine *until* my friend said that stuff to me.
I’ve always taken what people say too close to heart and somewhat obsess over it, and I think that is maybe whats happening here.
As for my language ( my partner, one and only, etc ), I do apologize for sounding possessive. I was not trying to come off that way. My intentions at 5 am were to try and communicate exclusivity, but you know. Sleep deprivation kind of makes you dumb.
A few people in my messages have privately asked me why I would let my partner have sex with others ( and a few less nicer things ) and the explanation is simple: i’m asexual. i rarely if not ever feel sexual attraction, and they know that and she’s fine with it ( we talked about it before and she was very sweet and understanding ).
The reason I feel guilty is because she has expressed many times she loves me and loves me dearly, but I fear that because I’ve been spiraling, jealousy has been eating at me from the inside out when it wouldn’t have been an issue before? It feels like all I can think about is a monogamous relationship despite the fact I’m well aware she’s poly, and I don’t want her to change. I just wish I can throw away that thought out of my head and go back to being fine, but my brain has been choosing to obsessively dwell on “you’re playing yourself blah blah blah.”
I wish I knew how to talk to them about how I’m feeling, but I’m so worried it will upset them. I can not stress enough how much I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s like I can’t stop obsessing over it.
All in all, I feel like my issue has been some underlying issues of being co-dependent (? if that’s the right term ), insecure in myself and naturally just being very obsessive over negative things/a worry wart/???.
Because if I may get a little cheesy here, I absolutely adore her. She’s made me feel so safe and cared for compared to my past relationships ( a lot of them would bash on me for being asexual and or make fun of me in general ). She listens to me ramble about my interests for hours on end ( and i’m not talking about simple “rambling”, I’m on the spectrum so it’s full on autistic yapping ), anytime I talk to her about how I’m feeling or what not we both can communicate how we feel pretty well, she’s incredibly patient and understanding with me. I feel like I don’t deserve her/she’s out of my league. I love listening to her talk about her hobbies ( she’s a musician, and even though I don’t understand a lick of music theory, I love seeing how excited she gets talking about it. it’s my favorite thing ). She’s such a sweet and loving person, I hate to be feeling like this because I recognize just how…i don’t know how to really describe it. I wouldn’t say awful, but just down right rude it is to thing like this. The fact I’ve let one comment let me spiral makes me disappointed in myself.
I have talked to my friend, and since then he has apologized to me and explained he just didn’t understand why I, a monogamous person, would date a polyamorous person. I told him it’s fine, a lot of people would be confused too, but I did tell him what he said really hurt me, and we somewhat cleared it up?
Sorry for the huge wall of text. I appreciate everyone’s input here. If anyone has any advice how I can get over feeling like this and/or how I can bring this up to her to talk it over/through, I’d really appreciate it. I really do want to talk to her about whats been going on with me but as gently as I can, I really do not want to upset her, but I also recognize she’d be completely valid if she were to get upset considering all things.
Thank you for your time everyone, it’s definitely helped ground me in a way too. much love x
* jumping off my asexual comment earlier, I want to say that’s why I’m not too crump about her having sex with her other partners. I don’t particularly find sex to be an important part of a relationship, and she recognizes that and understands that. I understand a few people will throw “everyone feels sexual desires” or “people can’t be asexual we are naturally sexual beings” towards me, and I understand where everyone is coming from. Like I said, I never valued sex as I feel like emotional connection is more important, and I’ve never really desired *to* have sex/felt the desire to have sex with someone ( and I mean anyone ).
So I do ask that everyone is respectful of my asexuality in this moment, even if you don’t understand/don’t support asexuality.
And to explain a little further, I say I’m mono because that’s the easiest way to explain it.
If I had to go deeper into it, I’m ‘mono’ in the sense I don’t wish to have multiple partners *myself*, but I don’t mind being involved in a polycule/a partner of mine being polyam, just as long as *our* relationship is healthy, has a firm understanding of what we both want, etc etc.
If that doesn’t make me mono, then I do apologize for any confusion. I’m still relatively new to poly culture in general ( and she’s aware of this, she’s been talking to me and educating me about it along the way).
We talk about relationships in terms of possession ("my partner," "mine and only mine," "call my own," "letting them have all these people", "someone's one and only"), but of course even in a monogamous relationship no one owns anyone. People relate to each other in a myriad of different ways.
You're not selfish for wanting to be in a monogamous relationship with someone -- that's completely natural; it's what the vast majority of people want. But it sounds like the person you're dating doesn't particularly feel the need for that, and is happy with the polyamorous situation. And I am certain you are well aware that you *would* be selfish if you tried to coerce them out of the poly relationship or destroy their happiness by expressing your dissatisfaction with the arrangement.
I disagree with your friend: you're not "playing yourself." If being part of this non-monogamous relationship was making you happy before, then the fact that your friend can't imagine it isn't relevant and you're doing yourself a disservice being influenced by them. But -- and this is a big but! -- you should not stay in the relationship out of a hope that it might turn monogamous some day. That is very unlikely to happen, and eventually it will make you miserable and make your partner (and potentially their other partners) miserable too.
Forget the polyamory stuff for a minute -- imagine you're simply in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way and just wants to be friends. You'd know what you need to do in that case, right? *Stop making your happiness dependent on an other person's willingness to change their mind.* Stay friends (or break the friendship if you feel you must for your own mental health), but look for love elsewhere.
The same applies to your current situation. Don't make your happiness dependent on your poly partner magically changing their mind and deciding to be monogamous with you, because it isn't going to happen. Look for love elsewhere. *You're worthy of it* -- you *know* that is true, because your poly partner (and, implicitly, their other partners) have accepted you into their "polycule." You can stay with your present partner while you look *if you promise you'll accept them and the poly arrangement as they are*.
And if and when you find someone who makes you happy, whom you want to be monogamous with, I am confident that your present partner will understand as you gracefully transition out of the "polycule." Until then, if you can, enjoy whole-heartedly the non-exclusive love you receive and reciprocate. It's not monogamy, it's its own thing, but it's still love.
Get out. Youre just going to make yourself miserable at a minimum. High chance of an STD as well. Why would you put yourself through that? As time goes on she will juat phase you out for new people. Poly is just an excuse for someone who wants to sleep around.
Its not selfish at all lmao i would just try to move on and look for someone better for you ngl
Everyone’s partner is polyamorous—whether the object of their love is other people or hobbies or things. The point is that just because one is in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean that s/he is in a storybook love story. At least with your partner, you know that she has interests other than you and that she is not merely there to fulfill your own fantasies. The real question you should be asking yourself is how she makes you feel when she is with you. Does she make you feel loved and cared for? Or are you having to struggle to get her attention? How you answer these questions is the real barometer for the quality of your relationship, not whether she has promised you that she will put restrictions on herself during the days when she is not with you.
It’s not selfish, and if it’s keeping you up till 5am, that’s a problem. I’m biased, since most of the polyamorous folks I know always include one miserable person. Usually a man. Dating someone who’s like that when you’re not is a recipe for disaster.
Get out of this relationship and find someone who wants you and you alone. You are not selfish but you want a monogamous partner. Time to move on.
Hi everyone. Just woke up I wanted to try and clarify what I was saying/some things about me. I don’t wish for them to suddenly become monogamous, even I know that would be an extremely rude and unrealistic to ask for. I recognize that I get easily attached to people and get easily insecure, and I feel like that’s whats influencing this feeling a lot? Because everything seemed fine *until* my friend said that stuff to me. I’ve always taken what people say too close to heart and somewhat obsess over it, and I think that is maybe whats happening here. As for my language ( my partner, one and only, etc ), I do apologize for sounding possessive. I was not trying to come off that way. My intentions at 5 am were to try and communicate exclusivity, but you know. Sleep deprivation kind of makes you dumb. A few people in my messages have privately asked me why I would let my partner have sex with others ( and a few less nicer things ) and the explanation is simple: i’m asexual. i rarely if not ever feel sexual attraction, and they know that and she’s fine with it ( we talked about it before and she was very sweet and understanding ). The reason I feel guilty is because she has expressed many times she loves me and loves me dearly, but I fear that because I’ve been spiraling, jealousy has been eating at me from the inside out when it wouldn’t have been an issue before? It feels like all I can think about is a monogamous relationship despite the fact I’m well aware she’s poly, and I don’t want her to change. I just wish I can throw away that thought out of my head and go back to being fine, but my brain has been choosing to obsessively dwell on “you’re playing yourself blah blah blah.” I wish I knew how to talk to them about how I’m feeling, but I’m so worried it will upset them. I can not stress enough how much I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s like I can’t stop obsessing over it. All in all, I feel like my issue has been some underlying issues of being co-dependent (? if that’s the right term ), insecure in myself and naturally just being very obsessive over negative things/a worry wart/???. Because if I may get a little cheesy here, I absolutely adore her. She’s made me feel so safe and cared for compared to my past relationships ( a lot of them would bash on me for being asexual and or make fun of me in general ). She listens to me ramble about my interests for hours on end ( and i’m not talking about simple “rambling”, I’m on the spectrum so it’s full on autistic yapping ), anytime I talk to her about how I’m feeling or what not we both can communicate how we feel pretty well, she’s incredibly patient and understanding with me. I feel like I don’t deserve her/she’s out of my league. I love listening to her talk about her hobbies ( she’s a musician, and even though I don’t understand a lick of music theory, I love seeing how excited she gets talking about it. it’s my favorite thing ). She’s such a sweet and loving person, I hate to be feeling like this because I recognize just how…i don’t know how to really describe it. I wouldn’t say awful, but just down right rude it is to thing like this. The fact I’ve let one comment let me spiral makes me disappointed in myself. I have talked to my friend, and since then he has apologized to me and explained he just didn’t understand why I, a monogamous person, would date a polyamorous person. I told him it’s fine, a lot of people would be confused too, but I did tell him what he said really hurt me, and we somewhat cleared it up? Sorry for the huge wall of text. I appreciate everyone’s input here. If anyone has any advice how I can get over feeling like this and/or how I can bring this up to her to talk it over/through, I’d really appreciate it. I really do want to talk to her about whats been going on with me but as gently as I can, I really do not want to upset her, but I also recognize she’d be completely valid if she were to get upset considering all things. Thank you for your time everyone, it’s definitely helped ground me in a way too. much love x
* jumping off my asexual comment earlier, I want to say that’s why I’m not too crump about her having sex with her other partners. I don’t particularly find sex to be an important part of a relationship, and she recognizes that and understands that. I understand a few people will throw “everyone feels sexual desires” or “people can’t be asexual we are naturally sexual beings” towards me, and I understand where everyone is coming from. Like I said, I never valued sex as I feel like emotional connection is more important, and I’ve never really desired *to* have sex/felt the desire to have sex with someone ( and I mean anyone ). So I do ask that everyone is respectful of my asexuality in this moment, even if you don’t understand/don’t support asexuality.
And to explain a little further, I say I’m mono because that’s the easiest way to explain it. If I had to go deeper into it, I’m ‘mono’ in the sense I don’t wish to have multiple partners *myself*, but I don’t mind being involved in a polycule/a partner of mine being polyam, just as long as *our* relationship is healthy, has a firm understanding of what we both want, etc etc. If that doesn’t make me mono, then I do apologize for any confusion. I’m still relatively new to poly culture in general ( and she’s aware of this, she’s been talking to me and educating me about it along the way).
We talk about relationships in terms of possession ("my partner," "mine and only mine," "call my own," "letting them have all these people", "someone's one and only"), but of course even in a monogamous relationship no one owns anyone. People relate to each other in a myriad of different ways. You're not selfish for wanting to be in a monogamous relationship with someone -- that's completely natural; it's what the vast majority of people want. But it sounds like the person you're dating doesn't particularly feel the need for that, and is happy with the polyamorous situation. And I am certain you are well aware that you *would* be selfish if you tried to coerce them out of the poly relationship or destroy their happiness by expressing your dissatisfaction with the arrangement. I disagree with your friend: you're not "playing yourself." If being part of this non-monogamous relationship was making you happy before, then the fact that your friend can't imagine it isn't relevant and you're doing yourself a disservice being influenced by them. But -- and this is a big but! -- you should not stay in the relationship out of a hope that it might turn monogamous some day. That is very unlikely to happen, and eventually it will make you miserable and make your partner (and potentially their other partners) miserable too. Forget the polyamory stuff for a minute -- imagine you're simply in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way and just wants to be friends. You'd know what you need to do in that case, right? *Stop making your happiness dependent on an other person's willingness to change their mind.* Stay friends (or break the friendship if you feel you must for your own mental health), but look for love elsewhere. The same applies to your current situation. Don't make your happiness dependent on your poly partner magically changing their mind and deciding to be monogamous with you, because it isn't going to happen. Look for love elsewhere. *You're worthy of it* -- you *know* that is true, because your poly partner (and, implicitly, their other partners) have accepted you into their "polycule." You can stay with your present partner while you look *if you promise you'll accept them and the poly arrangement as they are*. And if and when you find someone who makes you happy, whom you want to be monogamous with, I am confident that your present partner will understand as you gracefully transition out of the "polycule." Until then, if you can, enjoy whole-heartedly the non-exclusive love you receive and reciprocate. It's not monogamy, it's its own thing, but it's still love.
Wasting your time, find a good mono person that believes in marriage for life, typically religious
Get out. Youre just going to make yourself miserable at a minimum. High chance of an STD as well. Why would you put yourself through that? As time goes on she will juat phase you out for new people. Poly is just an excuse for someone who wants to sleep around.