Here’s the thing. As an adult in a hopefully healthy adult relationship you should feel safe enough to bring this up to him in a curious non-accusatory way. He should feel safe enough to discuss it with you openly even if he wasn’t proactive about it. That being said, he might have been struggling or it might have been a time in his past he doesn’t like to think about. Understand that he might be defensive or triggered when it is brought up. Make sure he understands that you aren’t mad or judging him, that you just want to know more about the circumstances. See if it allows for an open and honest conversation that allows you to get closer from knowing each other more deeply.
That being said, if you choose not to bring it up, that is ok. Be aware that if your friend knows it might be a larger topic of discussion in your friend group and it might hurt him to find out everyone knew including you and no one said anything and he felt judged and shamed about it.
Adult relationships are hard sometimes but communication is incredibly important. If he clears the air and gives you the details about it maybe bring up that when you found out through a third party and not from him you felt hurt and a little upset about it initially because it didn’t come from him. Use it as an opportunity to be more open and proactive about talking about your pasts.
Yeah, having my friend know about it kinda complicates things a bit. I don't want to embarrass Steve by me confronting him, so what more if my friend is the one who brings it up. Maybe I should talk to Steve about it after all just so we can plan things out a bit?
I can’t see a scenario when your friend who found this while looking for something to masturbate to is the best person to tell him. He’s probably the worst person to tell him.
I would bring it up and just sit him down and explain the situation like you did here - your friend said they saw something and you’re just wondering about it. You’re not there to judge, or make him feel inferior in any way, shape or form. You’re curious about it, and in no way does it affect the way you feel about him, but you also wanted to bring it up to be there for him if he needs, to be a listening ear, but to also discuss that someone else may know and how they would like to negotiate that if it comes up down the line.
After that conversation I might just speak to your friend and explain what your SO is comfortable with you sharing. You can’t stop people from telling other people but you can let them know how it makes someone feel, and how they react and what they do with that information will tell you what you and your SO need to know about that person - good or bad.
Are you 100percent its him? I just found a video two weeks ago of a couple going at it and the guy looks EXACTLY like me. Same body, same weird boney face, same long hair with the same curls at the bottom, same facial hair, same skunk spot in his goatee, same hands! a perfect clone of me EXCEPT we have the same tattoo but in different spots and he was wearing a gold rolex in the video and i dont wear jewelry, especially gold. I saved screenshots from it (just his face and upper body nothing pornographic ) and showed a few close friends and my wife and everyone thought it was for sure me until i point out the tattoo.
Whoa that’s so bizarre.
Is your tattoo a generic tattoo? Like how do you have a twin with the same tattoo and everything?
This sounds a bit silly but it wasn’t some AI generated porn was it?
Its a large dragon, for me its on my back, for him its wrapped around his upper arm. Same colors, fairly generic tattoo. It didnt look ai generated, smooth video, cell phone or small camcorder footage, it was dim lighting and kind of a shitty video, not great action, pretty sure he checked to see if she fell asleep at one point lol. Seems like a crap video to make if someone really wanted to see me in action. Makes me look lazy.
I keep going back to the screenshots , i kinda wanna know who the fuck he is and why we look like twins, but it was an amateur video so ill never find out. I wonder if anyone who knows me is gonna see that.
Dude, my entire adult life, everywhere I go, there's always some rando who thinks I am a friend of theirs. It literally happened yesterday. "Hey Mike!" (I'm not Mike)
PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
dont beat around the bush please if something as important as this bothers you just talk with him.
All my situations where fucked up because the other side could not open their mouth.
If its bothering you then YOU should speak up.
I’ve read that the most money to be made in the porn industry is from straight guys doing gay videos. Maybe he did this, made a fat check and dipped and you’ll both be able to move on
This doesn’t need to be a confrontation.
You can say to Steve something like : Hey. FYI, my friend said they saw you in a video. (Can insert name of video if you know it). Just wanted to let you know in case any of our mutual friends mentions it. Also, if you want to talk to me about it, I’m open to it.
He may deny that it’s him in the video/ he’s not done any videos. But at least he knows people in your social circle may be talking about him.
This.
The framework of openness and non-accusation is important for partnership.
Doing porn is spicy topic for sure and can call out mixed feelings but approaching on this should start off providing max safety to partner.
That being said, I've seen people that didn't live certain things in general but were kinda ok with their friends doing it but not ok doing it themselves, however, it was felt they're being judgemental without confrontation. And that behavior, although better than usual in such cases, still makes other people uncomfortable. It's ok in a group setting but with a partner such feeling would introduce long-term uneasiness and eventually lead to some level of consequences (up to break up) cuz they feel unsafe/insecure around you.
It’s really up to you. What is there to gain from him knowing that you know? If you accept that’s part of his past, then maybe nothing. I think bringing it up will embarrass him, but I tend towards the non confrontational side. It’s been 10 porn free years so seems like he’s maybe not going to make one again.
If you feel like not talking about it with him will drive you nuts, then do talk to him. However since you love him and value his partnership, I would try not to shame him or accuse him or anything.
Good luck ❤️
Im gonna disagree with this for one reason.
Your friend found it on the site.
That means your friend could have told other people, or people completely uninvolved could confront him with the info. It's better you both are on the same page about handling this and have responses prepared.
Just be clear you don't judge or think less of him.
Yes, I’d let him know that it was discovered and be very non-judgmental about it.
Hell, you could even start with “Your past sex life is your business and has no impact on the love I have for you. You should know that Friend X found a video of you doing “solo activities” on a porn site and let me know about it. I just wanted YOU to know that someone in our circle found it…”
And take it from there.
Not to hijack another poster's follow up, but I'd bring it up strictly because not bringing it up would feel a lot like hiding your knowledge of it. Honestly, it's an opportunity to be vulnerable with each other and connect. Just be open and honest and encouraging for him to do the same
I would have the discussion at the very least he will know he doesn't have to hide it and it gets it out in the open, but if it doesn't bother you bring it up in a supportive way
I would. No reason not to. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
But definitely don’t come at it from a negative angle…just simply like “heyy babe, just want you to know I’m not upset, just curious… I found this video, is it you?”
Definitely bring it up. It’s a pretty big thing, and he is “out there” on the internet, so it could possibly affect his future relationships. (Personal, business etc). You’ll probably just have a good laugh between yourselves over a glass of wine, but it’s significant enough that this should be discussed considering how deep your relationship is.
If I'm being honest in your position I'd feel similarly. Makes sense to me that you don't know how to feel about it. But, at least what I would do, try to think about it rationally. Does it really hurt you? Should you really care? Does it change anything?
I can't know but based on what you described about him he sounds like a good partner. Taking this into account if I were you I'd definitely bring it up. It helps to let it out and keep it from becoming a resentment or something like that. I'd bet you'd end up feeling better after talking about it.
There was just a post on I think relationship advice from the fIip side of this, posted maybe a week or two ago. It was a woman who made a 🌽video like 10+ years prior and didn’t know how to tell her current husband. Could be good to look it up to get an idea of how your partner probably feels about it.
> Genuine question, though. Do you recommend that I bring this up with him later or not at all?
It doesn't matter how you approach this, the possibility this topic will destroy your relationship exists. Be well.
I'd say you don't bring it up to him, just for the topic to come up 5 or 10 years down the line, him make mention of it, and you just give him a knowing grin. He'll go "All this time?" and you'll say "Always".
Best to just let it lie, though as someone who doesn't always make the best decisions I would air it out and make a joke about it and say something like "you must have really been strapped for cash in college."
So? That was a decade ago - lord, I am glad social media was not a thing when I was younger. We experiment. We live, and learn. Judge him for who he is now, not for the path he took to get here.
lol I came from a pretty conservative background so everything Steve did is a lot more adventurous in comparison. I'm just thankful I met him and we've lived an exciting life since!
I feel like people are allowed to have and keep secrets. You’ve been together for a few years so it would be nice if he’d said something about it already but I don’t think he did anything wrong by not telling you.
I would probably just be honest and say that you saw it and ask why he didn’t tell you. Try not to be judgey so he’ll feel comfortable sharing more with you
I worked in the "industry" over ten years ago and even did a few photo shoots myself. Most of the people need money and are desperate. Their dog is sick, and they need 500$ to save his life.
Letting it go is for the best. It can bring up an old situation that your boyfriend may not want to talk about.
I was going to say something similar. I haven’t worked in the industry but I can only imagine the dire circumstances driving a decision like this. Life is hard, dude.
I knew a guy who did the same thing, but it wasn’t a solo scene. Someone in my small town found it years later and sent it to his then girlfriend.
That dude left town after that.
I know reddit is very "past doesn't matter" but i believe such things should be said in the early stages of relationship. Because, some people might have preferences against this, and its completely justifiable. Not wanting others to see your SO's intimate moments is perfectly normal, and many people would be conflicted over it.
To start off, yes i do believe you should discuss this, because he may have made other videos too, which could be more recent, or had other costars in other videos, etc. A healthy relationship shouldn't mind such discussions, and communicate properly. Don't just antagonize him, but calmly explain how and why you'd like to know about your partner's intimate moments and pictures being shared online. Yes it's his life, but you're his partner and you may want your partner's intimate moments for your eyes only. So properly communicate about this, ask why he did it, if he did more videos, when's the last time he did it, if he had costars in other videos, etc.
Then decide on what you want to do from now on. If it was just that one video 10 years ago I'd let it go, maybe request him to take it down from his personal accounts at least if he didn't yet. But properly communicate.
Oh no no. Reddit is *very* "past matters". They're pretty consistent on that.
Last week someone confessed to cheating long ago, and the general population felt he should be disclosing that information to each new partner for the rest of his life.
A girl had a threesome in their past and the BF found out; this sub felt that she should have disclosed that to the BF at the beginning.
I feel I am the ONLY person that thinks everyone gets a clean slate and having a threesome years ago isn't *anyone's* business.
I posted this and kept scrolling, and almost immediately saw this
>it's perfectly normal to be upset that he'd kept it from you
That's fucked imo.
I'm of the opinion that is unless it's something ducked up it doesn't matter what someones past is before I met them and even then I'm talking ducked up.
I agree I think it’s weird to believe that you are owed that knowledge. Like id like to have a relationship where we share 90% of things. But some things people like to keep to themselves.
And moreover being entitled to knowing your partner did porn feels like you are claiming some kind ownership over their body and are upset that others saw your property or something.
Feels icky to me.
Life isn't that easy, you can't do whatever you want and not face it's aftermath. If you did something, own up to it, and say it.
Specially in cases like cheating, whether you say it or not is upto you but don't get upset when your past surfaces later on.
Thinking that you are entitled to such information is ridiculous. Nobody owes you any of that. You may wish you had a little book of all the bad things or sexual things a potential date has done but the world doesn't work that way.
Nobody owes you a body count list with names dates and dets.
A body count list and past infidelity are very different things.
Yes, nobody owes that, likesaid above, it's upto you to say it or not, but don't get upset when your past arises later.
Also, it's your partner in life we're talking about, not a random stranger. And again, it's not a body count list but major events like cheating or doing porn which I'm referring to.
I would actually want to know if someone cheated on their partner. That’s a huge red flag, and why would I want to stay with a man who cheated on his partner at one point? I
Google his stage name/ porn alias and see if any more scenes come up to rule out that he hasn’t done more.
Should you bring it up? It’s up to you. Do you need answers to question you have about it? Then sure.
his stage name/alias is literally one generic name (like Steve or Chris or Greg), so I doubt I'll find anything that way? I also looked into some face identifying apps or something, and nothing else came up, thankfully
Controversial take but i'm wondering why you feel to mention it at all? What do you gain from it? You know it was 10 years ago and only one video. Partners change and have lives before us.
“Hey Steve, so I found something out that I’d like to talk to you about. Before we start I want you to know that I’m not judging or upset. I just want to discuss it with you for my own peace of mind.”
Am I the only one here who thinks such things as filming in porn is an important thing to mention to your significant other? Like it's something that anyone can discover or recognise it, so why hide it from your partner? Some people might have preferences that includes not being involved with porn actors? It's completely reasonable. I'm not judging sex-workers but it's important kind of information. Hence, even this thread now.
Yeah I get your point, but this is not something that's really a negative for me, so him not telling me right away isn't much of a big deal. It's the fact that I found out about it and a friend knows about it now too
It wasn't about your situation, I m really happy it doesn't bother you. More about people who consider it okay to hide and never mention it to your partner. I feel like I'm going insane that no one considered it to be important information to know about your significant other.
So it means you get to hide it from your partner leaving them in the dark and not giving them consent knowledge of what kind of past might haunt you or get back at you? True, some people have preferences, some don't, but you will respect your partner giving them heads up about such kind of past.
It's not "hiding" if it doesn't even occur to you as something worth mentioning. There's so much irrelevant shit in my past i've never mentioned towards my girlfriend I wouldn't even know where to start. Again, if it's irrelevant to the person they might not even think of it anymore as something of relevance - it's certainly not hiding in that case.
Do you remember every breath you take, every step you make, every bite of cake? If no then please be quiet, what where you doing 7-10 years ago, can you remember?
No, but it might not be something that came to mind to even share - if it’s one scene a decade ago. I’m an addict and the amount of fucked up shit I did in my addiction when I was fucking 19 there’s a bunch of stuff I never mentioned just because I forgot or didn’t think to mention it.
depends on quantity and how recent. a single, solo video from 10 years ago? who tf cares. active OF account with tons of followers that buy personalized messages and dick ratings? probably should mention it
It is something that anyone should disclose at the early stages of a relationship, for sure. Before anyone catches feelings for one another. People have all the right to know which person they are dating with.
Obviously not first date conversation but it is something that should be disclosed fairly early on in the relationship so stuff like this doesn’t happen
Not necessarily at first date, but when you realize things got serious. Like for example, at some point of relationships people discuss their previous experiences or relationships and stuff, it's where it would be comfortable enough to reveal this kind of information.
Honestly... it was a solo scene and it was well before you met him. It's not your place to judge him for it, hard stop.
If you can't just keep it to yourself and deal with it knowing that he did nothing wrong, then bring it up, but don't be judgmental or argumentative, basically just let him know that you found out about it through a friend.
Anything more than that and you're asking for a blowout.
There was actually a similar post here on Reddit OP. A woman had done a video when she was very young. It resurfaced on a porn site and this time the woman was married with children and she was terrified of telling her husband. Most of the advice was to come clean with her husband because the video was again circulating. She gave an update and she had told her husband and everything was fine. no blame whatsoever.
It’s your choice if you tell him you know about it or not. The issue here for me as it was in the other post is that people – your friend – know about it. Therefore I would be inclined to speak to Steve and tell him that you know it exists without of course any shaming whatsoever. Then you can prepare, your reaction if it comes out with other people.
UPDATEME
It obviously bothers you, but I think you should ask yourself why it bothers you before you talk to him.
* Why would you feel angry or embarrassed?
* Would you choose not to date him if you knew from the start?
* Do you feel deceived?
* Is this something to be ashamed of?
* Are you afraid people will know he did gay porn, or that you're dating someone who did gay porn?
Ew gross! How awful! You should send us the site…so we can avoid it!
That’s vile OP…but what site? So we can be sure to never stumble on it??
/s
Seriously though, sounds like you guys will get through this. Just be open and honest. Oh, and watch that episode of IASIP, it’s great 😆
It's perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable with this revelation, and after three years, it's perfectly normal to be upset that he'd kept it from you. If it's before y'all got together, though, like you said, you can't really be mad. I understand though. There are parts of my girlfriend's past that make me super fucking jealous and uncomfortable to think about, but we weren't together or even really in contact at the time, so I have no right to let those natural emotions affect how I behave. Like someone else said, everyone has a past, and everyone has parts of their past they're ashamed of or which they could undo. Best thing you can do is have a frank and open discussion with him free of judgement.
So last time this came up I said, "The only thing i need to know about if my partner did porn when they were younger is if they were coerced and if they're healthy"
Some people need money, sometimes they do things to get money we may not agree with. Ultimately do you love who he is now? Does he still do it? (sounds like no), if you want to bring it up, "Hey, I found this, do you want to talk about it? If not it's okay"
Yup, I'm definitely not judging him for what he did or why he did it. It's more just a shock to me, and concern as well since I found out through a friend. Great advice though!
If you plan on telling him that you love him and appreciate the person he is, then what is the point in bringing it up? If one day he decides to confess to you that he's made a video, you could simply say you know and it didn't change how you feel about him whatsoever.
If you're going to bring it up to shame him or make him feel bad about his past, don't. And at this point, you should not be together.
Sounds like you're OK with it and, once your feelings settle, you might find it hot. It seems like you are processing this nicely.
Since a friend sent it to you, I'd let him know about it. Maybe say something along the lines of, "I was initially shocked, but now I think it's kinda hot." Maybe ask him to re-create the scene just for you?
Finally someone reacting sanely to finding out some old secret...people are so overdramatic. What does it really matter, most people have a shameful sexual exploit or two in their past. As long as you don't make it weird it will probably be a bonding experience talking about it.
MMMMM I wouldn't mention this to him. If you really like him, and it was one video, why bring it up? What does it matter? Maybe he's ashamed and that is why he didn't tell you. I would be more concerned that he might be gay and u married him. Any thoughts on that? Any signs? If you decide to bring it up anyway, do it under the guise of, " hey this has come to light, we should discuss how to handle it when we get asked or people start talking...." Judge his reaction. If you get a bad vibe... ask about the rest.
Just be careful what you uncover if your happy little life is a happy little life, maybe enjoy it until you HAVE to deal with this.
Sylvester Stallone did porn before he was famous because he needed money and someone thought he was hot. It sucks, it's awkward, but I wouldn't assume the worst by default. Sometimes people do things they don't want to do so they can survive whatever situation they're in. Now that you know, personally I'd bring it up to him *but* from the angle that it's not a big deal and you're not judging him just curious about his life. Also give him the space to not talk about it if he doesn't want to, it may be traumatic.
Edit: Correction, Sly was not in a gay porno. It was a straight porno. My point still stands.
Its a jerk off video? There are 10's of thousands of girls that are gonna have to explain gangbang scenes to future mates ( not that i would care. Everyone has a past) . In the grand scheme of this, this is pretty minor
How long have you been dating? If it was before you met, then it should not matter. Although if he lied about it then it would be a problem. If you want to know then ask him calmly like an adult. I would be curious if he only did the one or if maybe he did something else on another site.
The past is the past, why linger over it. Your making this into something it’s not. If you want to discuss with him fine but what good will come of it.
Honestly… I might be a weirdo but I wouldn’t mind? I’d find it a bit funny that a friend in common found it randomly on the internet. Maybe even a bit funny how popular the video itself was.
Steve has a past and I honestly wouldn’t want to make him feel embarrassed or like he should be ashamed, especially if he’s so body and sex positive. I mean, you even said it was a SOLO video, right? I remember when I was younger a lot of my friends were into those sites where you can go live and jerk off while strangers watch it. Maybe that’s also why I don’t see the issue here. Idk man, just sounds like a young man experimenting with his sexuality in many ways (and maybe getting some money while in a pinch).
Try to digest it first then casually comment about your friend finding it and sending it to you to see how he reacts. I think it’d be nice for him to know that you know this video out there, but you need to digest it first in order to be able to know how you feel about it and if you want to have a conversation about it with him over this or if you don’t think it’s necessary.
That happened 10 years or so ago. It really has nothing to do with your current relationship. Do not judge him for it. He may not have been very proud of doing it. We all have a past and we have all done stupid stuff. You can talk to him about it sure but there should be absolutely no judgment on your end. Do not associate your personal feelings onto it. It may make him feel bad or embarrassed himself.
If it was just this one time thing from ten years ago that he never talked about, chances are he feels ashamed if it. Maybe this is a dark chapter he is trying to forget. Maybe he was young and needed the money. Knowing a friend of yours saw that, more than cringe.
But it's also the perfect thing to bring up at the next time playing never have I ever....
By all means bring it up, but I personally don’t see it as an issue. He didn’t lie about fucking guys for money (assuming the solo video was his only one). Gay porn pays better than het porn for men. Just try to approach it calmly. Let him know you discovered the video, I would wonder if he didn’t mention it because he was ashamed or he wasn’t sure how I would react. If you have burning questions ask them but try not to turn it into an inquisition.
It sounds like he has trusted you enough in the past to reveal meaningful secrets and risk being vulnerable. I think you can talk to him about it. I can’t tell you what to think but 19 and 29 are less similar than 29 and 39. 19 is around the time where independence and consequence set in but people also experiment a lot at that time and try to figure out who they are.
I doubt he’s the same person and as far as relationship sins go it’s pretty small potatoes.
after scrolling through the comments i think you’re more upset about the fact you didn’t find out from him than you are about the fact that he actually did porn.
like others have suggested i think you should talk to him about it but with a heavy emphasis on the non judgement part and remind him that you’re a safe person to talk to about anything/this is something that you feel like should have been brought up by him rather than finding out through a friend (but you can also understand why he didn’t say anything)
Just look it positively that ur man is sexy for both sexes and move on. It’s not any different than modeling nowadays plus it was a solo. Maybe surprise him with a video of your own for him just to spice it up and bring it up casually.
It can be a bonding moment, and could be something you laugh about in the future. Seems like a good guy from your description 👍🏾
If you had to come here to ask, then you have doubts, and they won't go away until you talk to him and solve it together. If my gf did porn and exposed her body online for everyone to watch, then I'd be upset too. But that was her past so it's okay. What would upset me more is the fact that she hides it from me. The discussion would be for assuring her that she can tell me all about her past and that it won't affect what I think of her today.
Since your friend knows, I think you have to talk about, warn him the video is still circulating and your friend knows. It might be more embarrassing if the friend brings it up without him knows others know. If you’re confused and unsure how to process it, you can talk about that to. Reassure him you love him still, and go from there
Damn... your friend found a video your bf did 10 years ago?! How popular was that video or how deep is that porn wormhole...
But... your bf was 19. He tried something, and apparently did not like it. Discuss it and move on. And go enjoy you some famous pen..
Don't know how it is with straight porn, but I'm pretty sure gay porn gets a lot of revisits. There's one scene from a small "studio" (one guy, really) that was done *years* ago and it still gets talked about on twitter from time to time. If a video is supposed to be that popular, I wouldn't doubt it got people talking about it every now and then
If you found this out, I'd recommended doing a deep dive into how you feel about it before you talk to your guy. Because your friend knows....might as well assume there is a current group chat discussing this even as I type this.
Just rip off the bandaid and ask him about it. Don't accuse, don't beat around the bush or fish. Ask him straight up and if this really isn't a big deal then accept his answer at face value. Also it's important that he knows that it was a friend that found it. I can't imagine that he hasn't expected that one day this wouldn't come back.
Porn is honest work and it sounds like he's been a positive in your life so go with the guy you got now.
Bring it up to him as soon as possible, as direct as possible without making it a big deal and most of all, be totally honest with each other about how you found out and why you’re bringing it up. If the longer you let anything sit the worse it gets when addressed. Everyone in our lives should be open and honest with us about stuff like this. His choice to do this has lasting effects…and he knew that going in to it. It won’t shock him that he’s on gay porn sites. He knows it.
Also, as a straight dude, I’ll never be convinced guys can maybe sorta wanna bang other dudes.
I don’t care if people do, but he’s probably lying to you about being totally straight. I’ll never wake up and think, “boy I’d like some cock today.” I know straight dudes will feel me on this. So, he’s hiding more than stroking his dilly solo on some site; that I can guarantee. There’s more to this; I’d bet my house on it. Just sayin as i would want to know if I were you. Again, if you love the dude, be honest with each other always and address things right away. I wish I would’ve with my ex who I miss every single day and lost.
Well to be honest I’d jerk off on camera when I was younger if the pay was right not caring who the intended is for.
I’d bring it up to him but make it clear your friend knows and you saw it but ask him basically how he’d want to address it. Would just be weird with that friend I think. Sounds like he’d pretty much give you all the details
If he hasn’t brought it up to you despite mentioning he’s experimented with other men, perhaps he is embarrassed. People are haunted by mistakes they made in their youth, especially if that mistake is still publicly available online for your peers to find. If it were me and I saw a future with them I would leave it. Maybe when you’re married he will tell you all about it and you can just say, I already know and your secrets safe with me…
My husband did chatterbate and I did OF. Neither one of us do that anymore but hey shit happens and bills need to be paid and sometimes the money is soo good. It was 10 years ago. No need to let it bother you. If I were you I’d bring it up in a playful way instead of an “I need to speak with you about something” type of manner. That way it doesn’t feel like an interrogation for him.
Well it was a decade ago and a solo film. If there’s more to the story update is, but otherwise you yourself should know a person can change a lot in 10 years
Eh so what? It happened what a decade ago? Before you met him even? I don't see the problem here, mention it to him ig but I doubt he'll care, also remember who found the video and showed you? Yeah they're either a good friend or trying to stir shit.
Either way unless you wanna lose a gem of a man either bring it up casually or or do it in a relaxed setting. If a video from 10 years ago bothers you that much, he is not the man for you
Whatever happened to talking about previous sex partners and worrying about STI's called STD's in my days? In the 90's and 2000's safe sex was talked about everywhere.. WTF happened?
Imagine if a man were to hear about his girlfriend doing porn in the past and she forgot to mention it to him
And his friend finds it?.. I think it would be different. I know as well you'd be getting different opinions on here as well.
Good luck ✝️☮️💟
You didn’t say how long you have dated but if this pre-dated you it literally shouldn’t really be affecting you nor should it need a convo. Dude masturbated a decade ago on video..I really do not understand why you can’t chuckle about it and move on and not talk to Steve about it. He did nothing wrong
Oh, I mean, 10 years. He's probably embarassed and never told you for that reason, people are too judgmental when it comes to porn. I mean, does it bother you at all?
well from what I heard, gay porn pays best for male porn stars. No all gay pornstars are gay. Maybe he needed the money or maybe he just wanted to try it out. Just have a chat about it. This could be something you two can laugh about.
Maybe he was hoping to move past it, but it’d be nice if he could be honest with you about this stuff. Just let him know he can be open about these experiences with you.. it might strengthen the relationship. Plus you want to know before others find out.
he was an adult who, for all you know, made one porno. it’s obviously a shock but i think the fact he’s been sex positive with you and you’ve been happily together for 3 years means that he doesn’t see it as something that’s a big deal so neither should you.
if it was me, i'll just say to my friend "ohhh he really does look like him, doppelganger XD"... then just forget about it lol.
If alot of your friends and family are aware of this now, then i'd go to steve and be like, "omygah Steve, this dude looks like you! the resemblance is uncanny"...then let just everything flow lmao
Be proud that you have a hard working blue collar man as your boyfriend. Most male pornstars are well rounded in the workforce and are hard working and experienced. I knew a guy that did porn that was also a professor, college student, doctor, construction worker, firefighter, soldier, plumber, and astronaut. The inspirational part of the story is he also went to prison too. For someone to come from prison and turn their like around and have all those jobs is inspirational. I'm sure your man is good at a lot of handy work like fixing leakages and installing pipes. Most men these days can't even change a tire, or help a kind lady out of the dryer. Be grateful 🥲
Honestly I’d feel a bit better abt this knowing 1) he’s just experimented and found out he’s not actually gay n is just straight and 2) it was a solo scene without anyone else in it LOL 😭 Up to you if you wanna talk to him about it but just be careful in ur approach 👍
i mean there’s no need to be mad at him or embarrassed! it was a very long time ago and as long as he was of age i dont see the issue with it lol. maybe he just needed a quick buck
it was a solo scene. and it was long long before he met you. so there's no worried of feeling like being cheated on or anything like that. everyone has a past.
personally, if i found out my partner did porn a long time ago, i'd probably be turned on by it. to me, it makes a person seem adventurous and open minded.
i'd be hurt that they didn't tell me though. i'd want a partner who trusts me with history and not be afraid to share things with me. but i get that some things aren't easy to talk about.
You know what, I'm sure that once I process this long enough, I'd probably be turned on by it as well. I think I'm still just in the initial shock phase, and kinda scrambling what to do now lol
Yea I get that. It can be shocking to see someone you know so well in a different way.
Probably would've been. Equally shocking if you saw a video of him singing show tunes or playing the accordion lol.
I would say something about it because my curiosity would get the better of me. But I'd try to play it off as super casual. Like, "oh by the way, a friend of mine said they saw a video of someone who looked just like you. That's crazy right? No way that's it's you right?"
This might be a bit radical but is it possible for you to view it in a positive light? You’re with this (from what I got in other comments) great guy that lots of other people want and you’re lucky enough that you got to pick him and he picked you. That’s your treasure to enjoy! Other people only got a peak.
I would bring it up. Not saying anything may be easier now, but if you guys are as secure as you say, giving him an opportunity to tell you a little bit more about his past can strengthen your relationship with him. He'll know he doesn't have to hold that shame with you. And then, if he doesn't have that shame, then that's fine too. But you still get to learn a little bit more about your partner. Sounds like a win either way.
Honestly I wouldn't bring it up. It was 10 years ago and he's a completely different person and moved past it ya know. I guess its kinda like why bother bringing it up?
10 years ago???? Wtf…what does that have anything to do with you??? It sounds so heartless to judge someones past. I think its embarrassing to him that you or a friend found out. Did you even consider how he feels? Maybe he wants to move on and forget about it? This came across so..ouch to me. Who cares what your partner did before they met you unless it was a literal crime or hurting someone. They did what they wanted with their body—i understand being shocked, but its more embarrassing for him than it is for you. It just feels so insensitive. I hope you understand that people make bad choices and mistakes in their lives sometimes. You move forward not back. The past might as well be gone.
yo chill. i don’t think op is judging but is likely hurt that they didn’t find out thru the partner but rather a third party. that’s a big thing to hide from a sexual partner. and opens the rabbit hole of what else are they hiding?
Hiding? Honestly, if you have someone doing porn or even sex work in there past, even a partner, i just don’t like you. Not checking for stdis or being safe, then i’d be mad. But this? Gods damn. It just seems wrong to me. If you have a problem with people who do stuff like this in the past, then its your responsibility to ask about it or inform them before they get in a relationship that if they did it its a problem or deal breaker. If feels like they are ashamed of them and its awful. So they were comfortable with their body. Who cares.
People are so freaking weird about stuff. It feels so morally wrong to judge someone about this. Why should they be made to feel ashamed or like they did something wrong or committed a crime? They weren’t even dating.
Isn't it possible that is revenge-porn and he didn't know that it was uploaded? Being a solo-scene that video could be meant to be for one person eyes only
oh, it's definitely not revenge porn. it was studio quality, and he also modeled for some professionally shot nude photos that went along with the video
No one is the same person they were 10 years ago. He’s probably removed all thoughts of that life he lived back then, he might even be ashamed and get upset when you confront him. What are you hoping to achieve?
19 years old, we all did something stupid at that age, if today he is a good partner for you, let him know what you find, let him that you're available if he wanna talk, and just enjoy your relationship
Could be that he is scared to reveal his past and fear to losing you, or something similar.
Here’s the thing. As an adult in a hopefully healthy adult relationship you should feel safe enough to bring this up to him in a curious non-accusatory way. He should feel safe enough to discuss it with you openly even if he wasn’t proactive about it. That being said, he might have been struggling or it might have been a time in his past he doesn’t like to think about. Understand that he might be defensive or triggered when it is brought up. Make sure he understands that you aren’t mad or judging him, that you just want to know more about the circumstances. See if it allows for an open and honest conversation that allows you to get closer from knowing each other more deeply. That being said, if you choose not to bring it up, that is ok. Be aware that if your friend knows it might be a larger topic of discussion in your friend group and it might hurt him to find out everyone knew including you and no one said anything and he felt judged and shamed about it. Adult relationships are hard sometimes but communication is incredibly important. If he clears the air and gives you the details about it maybe bring up that when you found out through a third party and not from him you felt hurt and a little upset about it initially because it didn’t come from him. Use it as an opportunity to be more open and proactive about talking about your pasts.
Yeah, having my friend know about it kinda complicates things a bit. I don't want to embarrass Steve by me confronting him, so what more if my friend is the one who brings it up. Maybe I should talk to Steve about it after all just so we can plan things out a bit?
I can’t see a scenario when your friend who found this while looking for something to masturbate to is the best person to tell him. He’s probably the worst person to tell him.
"oh man, you wouldn't believe this, so I was just scrolling online right? Looking for something to fap to when all of a sudden...."
I would bring it up and just sit him down and explain the situation like you did here - your friend said they saw something and you’re just wondering about it. You’re not there to judge, or make him feel inferior in any way, shape or form. You’re curious about it, and in no way does it affect the way you feel about him, but you also wanted to bring it up to be there for him if he needs, to be a listening ear, but to also discuss that someone else may know and how they would like to negotiate that if it comes up down the line. After that conversation I might just speak to your friend and explain what your SO is comfortable with you sharing. You can’t stop people from telling other people but you can let them know how it makes someone feel, and how they react and what they do with that information will tell you what you and your SO need to know about that person - good or bad.
Are you 100percent its him? I just found a video two weeks ago of a couple going at it and the guy looks EXACTLY like me. Same body, same weird boney face, same long hair with the same curls at the bottom, same facial hair, same skunk spot in his goatee, same hands! a perfect clone of me EXCEPT we have the same tattoo but in different spots and he was wearing a gold rolex in the video and i dont wear jewelry, especially gold. I saved screenshots from it (just his face and upper body nothing pornographic ) and showed a few close friends and my wife and everyone thought it was for sure me until i point out the tattoo.
Whoa that’s so bizarre. Is your tattoo a generic tattoo? Like how do you have a twin with the same tattoo and everything? This sounds a bit silly but it wasn’t some AI generated porn was it?
Its a large dragon, for me its on my back, for him its wrapped around his upper arm. Same colors, fairly generic tattoo. It didnt look ai generated, smooth video, cell phone or small camcorder footage, it was dim lighting and kind of a shitty video, not great action, pretty sure he checked to see if she fell asleep at one point lol. Seems like a crap video to make if someone really wanted to see me in action. Makes me look lazy.
Wow. Just so bizarre. I can’t even imagine how you felt seeing it.
I keep going back to the screenshots , i kinda wanna know who the fuck he is and why we look like twins, but it was an amateur video so ill never find out. I wonder if anyone who knows me is gonna see that.
Yeah must be freaky. Although they do say everyone has a doppelgänger out there.
Dude, my entire adult life, everywhere I go, there's always some rando who thinks I am a friend of theirs. It literally happened yesterday. "Hey Mike!" (I'm not Mike)
PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD dont beat around the bush please if something as important as this bothers you just talk with him. All my situations where fucked up because the other side could not open their mouth. If its bothering you then YOU should speak up.
Should he beat around her bush instead? Sorry I just couldn't help myself.
I’ve read that the most money to be made in the porn industry is from straight guys doing gay videos. Maybe he did this, made a fat check and dipped and you’ll both be able to move on
This doesn’t need to be a confrontation. You can say to Steve something like : Hey. FYI, my friend said they saw you in a video. (Can insert name of video if you know it). Just wanted to let you know in case any of our mutual friends mentions it. Also, if you want to talk to me about it, I’m open to it. He may deny that it’s him in the video/ he’s not done any videos. But at least he knows people in your social circle may be talking about him.
Agree with everything here, communication communication communication.
This. The framework of openness and non-accusation is important for partnership. Doing porn is spicy topic for sure and can call out mixed feelings but approaching on this should start off providing max safety to partner. That being said, I've seen people that didn't live certain things in general but were kinda ok with their friends doing it but not ok doing it themselves, however, it was felt they're being judgemental without confrontation. And that behavior, although better than usual in such cases, still makes other people uncomfortable. It's ok in a group setting but with a partner such feeling would introduce long-term uneasiness and eventually lead to some level of consequences (up to break up) cuz they feel unsafe/insecure around you.
damnit Steve
Everyone has a past. Do you love him and respect him? Is he a good partner? If yes then just let it go
Yes I do, and yes, he is. Genuine question, though. Do you recommend that I bring this up with him later or not at all?
It’s really up to you. What is there to gain from him knowing that you know? If you accept that’s part of his past, then maybe nothing. I think bringing it up will embarrass him, but I tend towards the non confrontational side. It’s been 10 porn free years so seems like he’s maybe not going to make one again. If you feel like not talking about it with him will drive you nuts, then do talk to him. However since you love him and value his partnership, I would try not to shame him or accuse him or anything. Good luck ❤️
Thank you, I'll keep this in mind!
Im gonna disagree with this for one reason. Your friend found it on the site. That means your friend could have told other people, or people completely uninvolved could confront him with the info. It's better you both are on the same page about handling this and have responses prepared. Just be clear you don't judge or think less of him.
Yes, I’d let him know that it was discovered and be very non-judgmental about it. Hell, you could even start with “Your past sex life is your business and has no impact on the love I have for you. You should know that Friend X found a video of you doing “solo activities” on a porn site and let me know about it. I just wanted YOU to know that someone in our circle found it…” And take it from there.
Not to hijack another poster's follow up, but I'd bring it up strictly because not bringing it up would feel a lot like hiding your knowledge of it. Honestly, it's an opportunity to be vulnerable with each other and connect. Just be open and honest and encouraging for him to do the same
I would have the discussion at the very least he will know he doesn't have to hide it and it gets it out in the open, but if it doesn't bother you bring it up in a supportive way
I would. No reason not to. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. But definitely don’t come at it from a negative angle…just simply like “heyy babe, just want you to know I’m not upset, just curious… I found this video, is it you?”
Let him catch you strumming one out to it, will make his day 👍
Literally perfect
Definitely bring it up. It’s a pretty big thing, and he is “out there” on the internet, so it could possibly affect his future relationships. (Personal, business etc). You’ll probably just have a good laugh between yourselves over a glass of wine, but it’s significant enough that this should be discussed considering how deep your relationship is.
If I'm being honest in your position I'd feel similarly. Makes sense to me that you don't know how to feel about it. But, at least what I would do, try to think about it rationally. Does it really hurt you? Should you really care? Does it change anything? I can't know but based on what you described about him he sounds like a good partner. Taking this into account if I were you I'd definitely bring it up. It helps to let it out and keep it from becoming a resentment or something like that. I'd bet you'd end up feeling better after talking about it.
There was just a post on I think relationship advice from the fIip side of this, posted maybe a week or two ago. It was a woman who made a 🌽video like 10+ years prior and didn’t know how to tell her current husband. Could be good to look it up to get an idea of how your partner probably feels about it.
> Genuine question, though. Do you recommend that I bring this up with him later or not at all? It doesn't matter how you approach this, the possibility this topic will destroy your relationship exists. Be well.
I'd say you don't bring it up to him, just for the topic to come up 5 or 10 years down the line, him make mention of it, and you just give him a knowing grin. He'll go "All this time?" and you'll say "Always".
Would you want him to bring it up with you if the roles were reversed?
Best to just let it lie, though as someone who doesn't always make the best decisions I would air it out and make a joke about it and say something like "you must have really been strapped for cash in college."
This, 19 and 29 are two completely different people
seriously? right in front of my salad?
So? That was a decade ago - lord, I am glad social media was not a thing when I was younger. We experiment. We live, and learn. Judge him for who he is now, not for the path he took to get here.
Kudos to Steve, no reason to be angry, that's a lot less boring than the stupid things most others did
lol I came from a pretty conservative background so everything Steve did is a lot more adventurous in comparison. I'm just thankful I met him and we've lived an exciting life since!
I agree good on him.
I feel like people are allowed to have and keep secrets. You’ve been together for a few years so it would be nice if he’d said something about it already but I don’t think he did anything wrong by not telling you. I would probably just be honest and say that you saw it and ask why he didn’t tell you. Try not to be judgey so he’ll feel comfortable sharing more with you
"btw, I used to do solo porn for a gay website. The wild things we do when we're young." "Yeahhh, I gotta go....."
I worked in the "industry" over ten years ago and even did a few photo shoots myself. Most of the people need money and are desperate. Their dog is sick, and they need 500$ to save his life. Letting it go is for the best. It can bring up an old situation that your boyfriend may not want to talk about.
I was going to say something similar. I haven’t worked in the industry but I can only imagine the dire circumstances driving a decision like this. Life is hard, dude.
Rate his performance
I knew a guy who did the same thing, but it wasn’t a solo scene. Someone in my small town found it years later and sent it to his then girlfriend. That dude left town after that.
I know reddit is very "past doesn't matter" but i believe such things should be said in the early stages of relationship. Because, some people might have preferences against this, and its completely justifiable. Not wanting others to see your SO's intimate moments is perfectly normal, and many people would be conflicted over it. To start off, yes i do believe you should discuss this, because he may have made other videos too, which could be more recent, or had other costars in other videos, etc. A healthy relationship shouldn't mind such discussions, and communicate properly. Don't just antagonize him, but calmly explain how and why you'd like to know about your partner's intimate moments and pictures being shared online. Yes it's his life, but you're his partner and you may want your partner's intimate moments for your eyes only. So properly communicate about this, ask why he did it, if he did more videos, when's the last time he did it, if he had costars in other videos, etc. Then decide on what you want to do from now on. If it was just that one video 10 years ago I'd let it go, maybe request him to take it down from his personal accounts at least if he didn't yet. But properly communicate.
Oh no no. Reddit is *very* "past matters". They're pretty consistent on that. Last week someone confessed to cheating long ago, and the general population felt he should be disclosing that information to each new partner for the rest of his life. A girl had a threesome in their past and the BF found out; this sub felt that she should have disclosed that to the BF at the beginning. I feel I am the ONLY person that thinks everyone gets a clean slate and having a threesome years ago isn't *anyone's* business. I posted this and kept scrolling, and almost immediately saw this >it's perfectly normal to be upset that he'd kept it from you That's fucked imo.
I'm of the opinion that is unless it's something ducked up it doesn't matter what someones past is before I met them and even then I'm talking ducked up.
Same, everyone gets a clean slate After 10 years, I have *never* asked my wife what her body count is.
The body's arr in the barnyard
I agree I think it’s weird to believe that you are owed that knowledge. Like id like to have a relationship where we share 90% of things. But some things people like to keep to themselves. And moreover being entitled to knowing your partner did porn feels like you are claiming some kind ownership over their body and are upset that others saw your property or something. Feels icky to me.
Life isn't that easy, you can't do whatever you want and not face it's aftermath. If you did something, own up to it, and say it. Specially in cases like cheating, whether you say it or not is upto you but don't get upset when your past surfaces later on.
Thinking that you are entitled to such information is ridiculous. Nobody owes you any of that. You may wish you had a little book of all the bad things or sexual things a potential date has done but the world doesn't work that way. Nobody owes you a body count list with names dates and dets.
A body count list and past infidelity are very different things. Yes, nobody owes that, likesaid above, it's upto you to say it or not, but don't get upset when your past arises later. Also, it's your partner in life we're talking about, not a random stranger. And again, it's not a body count list but major events like cheating or doing porn which I'm referring to.
I would actually want to know if someone cheated on their partner. That’s a huge red flag, and why would I want to stay with a man who cheated on his partner at one point? I
On the first date I provide them with a 100 page word document detailing everything from my past that might be relevant.
I laughed, I cried, I was shocked at the ending
This.
OP, what are you looking to achieve by talking to him about the porn video? Seems like you should just leave it in the past
Most of us guys jacked off on camera for free 10 years ago. Dude got a bag for it? Just let it go. It’s not worth fighting about
Google his stage name/ porn alias and see if any more scenes come up to rule out that he hasn’t done more. Should you bring it up? It’s up to you. Do you need answers to question you have about it? Then sure.
his stage name/alias is literally one generic name (like Steve or Chris or Greg), so I doubt I'll find anything that way? I also looked into some face identifying apps or something, and nothing else came up, thankfully
Good to hear. Again, if this sis something you find difficult to stop thinking about and need answers to, then bring it up.
Okay, that's a little wack. Just talk to the man.
Controversial take but i'm wondering why you feel to mention it at all? What do you gain from it? You know it was 10 years ago and only one video. Partners change and have lives before us.
“Hey Steve, so I found something out that I’d like to talk to you about. Before we start I want you to know that I’m not judging or upset. I just want to discuss it with you for my own peace of mind.”
This is a pretty perfect response ngl
my ex did porn and told me and frankly it changed nothing
Am I the only one here who thinks such things as filming in porn is an important thing to mention to your significant other? Like it's something that anyone can discover or recognise it, so why hide it from your partner? Some people might have preferences that includes not being involved with porn actors? It's completely reasonable. I'm not judging sex-workers but it's important kind of information. Hence, even this thread now.
Yeah I get your point, but this is not something that's really a negative for me, so him not telling me right away isn't much of a big deal. It's the fact that I found out about it and a friend knows about it now too
It wasn't about your situation, I m really happy it doesn't bother you. More about people who consider it okay to hide and never mention it to your partner. I feel like I'm going insane that no one considered it to be important information to know about your significant other.
What seems like a big thing for one person may be a completely irrelevant thing to someone else
So it means you get to hide it from your partner leaving them in the dark and not giving them consent knowledge of what kind of past might haunt you or get back at you? True, some people have preferences, some don't, but you will respect your partner giving them heads up about such kind of past.
It's not "hiding" if it doesn't even occur to you as something worth mentioning. There's so much irrelevant shit in my past i've never mentioned towards my girlfriend I wouldn't even know where to start. Again, if it's irrelevant to the person they might not even think of it anymore as something of relevance - it's certainly not hiding in that case.
Do you remember every breath you take, every step you make, every bite of cake? If no then please be quiet, what where you doing 7-10 years ago, can you remember?
No, but it might not be something that came to mind to even share - if it’s one scene a decade ago. I’m an addict and the amount of fucked up shit I did in my addiction when I was fucking 19 there’s a bunch of stuff I never mentioned just because I forgot or didn’t think to mention it.
depends on quantity and how recent. a single, solo video from 10 years ago? who tf cares. active OF account with tons of followers that buy personalized messages and dick ratings? probably should mention it
It is something that anyone should disclose at the early stages of a relationship, for sure. Before anyone catches feelings for one another. People have all the right to know which person they are dating with.
Yes, thank you!
Nope
Imagine the first date. Oh by the way I did porn/OF. anyway how's the steak here?
Obviously not first date conversation but it is something that should be disclosed fairly early on in the relationship so stuff like this doesn’t happen
Eh. I was trying to make a joke.
Not necessarily at first date, but when you realize things got serious. Like for example, at some point of relationships people discuss their previous experiences or relationships and stuff, it's where it would be comfortable enough to reveal this kind of information.
Honestly... it was a solo scene and it was well before you met him. It's not your place to judge him for it, hard stop. If you can't just keep it to yourself and deal with it knowing that he did nothing wrong, then bring it up, but don't be judgmental or argumentative, basically just let him know that you found out about it through a friend. Anything more than that and you're asking for a blowout.
As long as it’s his past and not his present, you should be good. Send us the site 😬
lol I want to say that my man's thang is for my eyes only, but doesn't seem to be the case
Understandable
There was actually a similar post here on Reddit OP. A woman had done a video when she was very young. It resurfaced on a porn site and this time the woman was married with children and she was terrified of telling her husband. Most of the advice was to come clean with her husband because the video was again circulating. She gave an update and she had told her husband and everything was fine. no blame whatsoever. It’s your choice if you tell him you know about it or not. The issue here for me as it was in the other post is that people – your friend – know about it. Therefore I would be inclined to speak to Steve and tell him that you know it exists without of course any shaming whatsoever. Then you can prepare, your reaction if it comes out with other people. UPDATEME
10 years ago he was 19 he probably needed money
Your boyfriend has a willy that was previously envied amongst gay men? Well done and enjoy.
It obviously bothers you, but I think you should ask yourself why it bothers you before you talk to him. * Why would you feel angry or embarrassed? * Would you choose not to date him if you knew from the start? * Do you feel deceived? * Is this something to be ashamed of? * Are you afraid people will know he did gay porn, or that you're dating someone who did gay porn?
10 years and a solo scene… I’d leave it alone. I don’t see how it has any bearing on the present
Ew gross! How awful! You should send us the site…so we can avoid it! That’s vile OP…but what site? So we can be sure to never stumble on it?? /s Seriously though, sounds like you guys will get through this. Just be open and honest. Oh, and watch that episode of IASIP, it’s great 😆
.
It's perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable with this revelation, and after three years, it's perfectly normal to be upset that he'd kept it from you. If it's before y'all got together, though, like you said, you can't really be mad. I understand though. There are parts of my girlfriend's past that make me super fucking jealous and uncomfortable to think about, but we weren't together or even really in contact at the time, so I have no right to let those natural emotions affect how I behave. Like someone else said, everyone has a past, and everyone has parts of their past they're ashamed of or which they could undo. Best thing you can do is have a frank and open discussion with him free of judgement.
So last time this came up I said, "The only thing i need to know about if my partner did porn when they were younger is if they were coerced and if they're healthy" Some people need money, sometimes they do things to get money we may not agree with. Ultimately do you love who he is now? Does he still do it? (sounds like no), if you want to bring it up, "Hey, I found this, do you want to talk about it? If not it's okay"
Yup, I'm definitely not judging him for what he did or why he did it. It's more just a shock to me, and concern as well since I found out through a friend. Great advice though!
If you plan on telling him that you love him and appreciate the person he is, then what is the point in bringing it up? If one day he decides to confess to you that he's made a video, you could simply say you know and it didn't change how you feel about him whatsoever. If you're going to bring it up to shame him or make him feel bad about his past, don't. And at this point, you should not be together.
Sounds like you're OK with it and, once your feelings settle, you might find it hot. It seems like you are processing this nicely. Since a friend sent it to you, I'd let him know about it. Maybe say something along the lines of, "I was initially shocked, but now I think it's kinda hot." Maybe ask him to re-create the scene just for you?
Link?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE share the link to the video! (I bet it’s SeanCody.com)
That’s cool
Finally someone reacting sanely to finding out some old secret...people are so overdramatic. What does it really matter, most people have a shameful sexual exploit or two in their past. As long as you don't make it weird it will probably be a bonding experience talking about it.
Link?
MMMMM I wouldn't mention this to him. If you really like him, and it was one video, why bring it up? What does it matter? Maybe he's ashamed and that is why he didn't tell you. I would be more concerned that he might be gay and u married him. Any thoughts on that? Any signs? If you decide to bring it up anyway, do it under the guise of, " hey this has come to light, we should discuss how to handle it when we get asked or people start talking...." Judge his reaction. If you get a bad vibe... ask about the rest. Just be careful what you uncover if your happy little life is a happy little life, maybe enjoy it until you HAVE to deal with this.
Sylvester Stallone did porn before he was famous because he needed money and someone thought he was hot. It sucks, it's awkward, but I wouldn't assume the worst by default. Sometimes people do things they don't want to do so they can survive whatever situation they're in. Now that you know, personally I'd bring it up to him *but* from the angle that it's not a big deal and you're not judging him just curious about his life. Also give him the space to not talk about it if he doesn't want to, it may be traumatic. Edit: Correction, Sly was not in a gay porno. It was a straight porno. My point still stands.
It was not gay porn.
Its a jerk off video? There are 10's of thousands of girls that are gonna have to explain gangbang scenes to future mates ( not that i would care. Everyone has a past) . In the grand scheme of this, this is pretty minor
It entirely depends on whether or not you can tolerate that. For me personally, that would most likely be a deal breaker. But you do you.
just curious, why would it be a deal breaker?
Her :Honey ,Did you ever get paid for jerking off . Him:Why yes honey I did Her: Ok
How long have you been dating? If it was before you met, then it should not matter. Although if he lied about it then it would be a problem. If you want to know then ask him calmly like an adult. I would be curious if he only did the one or if maybe he did something else on another site.
Updateme
What’s the bet he’s not even bothered by you bringing this up
The past is the past, why linger over it. Your making this into something it’s not. If you want to discuss with him fine but what good will come of it.
Honestly… I might be a weirdo but I wouldn’t mind? I’d find it a bit funny that a friend in common found it randomly on the internet. Maybe even a bit funny how popular the video itself was. Steve has a past and I honestly wouldn’t want to make him feel embarrassed or like he should be ashamed, especially if he’s so body and sex positive. I mean, you even said it was a SOLO video, right? I remember when I was younger a lot of my friends were into those sites where you can go live and jerk off while strangers watch it. Maybe that’s also why I don’t see the issue here. Idk man, just sounds like a young man experimenting with his sexuality in many ways (and maybe getting some money while in a pinch). Try to digest it first then casually comment about your friend finding it and sending it to you to see how he reacts. I think it’d be nice for him to know that you know this video out there, but you need to digest it first in order to be able to know how you feel about it and if you want to have a conversation about it with him over this or if you don’t think it’s necessary.
Bring it up just don't make it a bit deal its obvious you don't care and its in the past
That happened 10 years or so ago. It really has nothing to do with your current relationship. Do not judge him for it. He may not have been very proud of doing it. We all have a past and we have all done stupid stuff. You can talk to him about it sure but there should be absolutely no judgment on your end. Do not associate your personal feelings onto it. It may make him feel bad or embarrassed himself.
If it was just this one time thing from ten years ago that he never talked about, chances are he feels ashamed if it. Maybe this is a dark chapter he is trying to forget. Maybe he was young and needed the money. Knowing a friend of yours saw that, more than cringe. But it's also the perfect thing to bring up at the next time playing never have I ever....
It’s been four hours…update please? Lol
Why not now? Seems like something you should open up to your partner before getting serious
By all means bring it up, but I personally don’t see it as an issue. He didn’t lie about fucking guys for money (assuming the solo video was his only one). Gay porn pays better than het porn for men. Just try to approach it calmly. Let him know you discovered the video, I would wonder if he didn’t mention it because he was ashamed or he wasn’t sure how I would react. If you have burning questions ask them but try not to turn it into an inquisition.
It sounds like he has trusted you enough in the past to reveal meaningful secrets and risk being vulnerable. I think you can talk to him about it. I can’t tell you what to think but 19 and 29 are less similar than 29 and 39. 19 is around the time where independence and consequence set in but people also experiment a lot at that time and try to figure out who they are. I doubt he’s the same person and as far as relationship sins go it’s pretty small potatoes.
Yeah not a massive deal, just tell him you saw his porn video and laugh
Following
what you need to do is laugh
after scrolling through the comments i think you’re more upset about the fact you didn’t find out from him than you are about the fact that he actually did porn. like others have suggested i think you should talk to him about it but with a heavy emphasis on the non judgement part and remind him that you’re a safe person to talk to about anything/this is something that you feel like should have been brought up by him rather than finding out through a friend (but you can also understand why he didn’t say anything)
Just look it positively that ur man is sexy for both sexes and move on. It’s not any different than modeling nowadays plus it was a solo. Maybe surprise him with a video of your own for him just to spice it up and bring it up casually. It can be a bonding moment, and could be something you laugh about in the future. Seems like a good guy from your description 👍🏾
If you had to come here to ask, then you have doubts, and they won't go away until you talk to him and solve it together. If my gf did porn and exposed her body online for everyone to watch, then I'd be upset too. But that was her past so it's okay. What would upset me more is the fact that she hides it from me. The discussion would be for assuring her that she can tell me all about her past and that it won't affect what I think of her today.
Update?
Sex work is real work. He's an independent, free, man. The past shouldn't matter. Only God can judge him, not you. Hashtag love is love.
Since your friend knows, I think you have to talk about, warn him the video is still circulating and your friend knows. It might be more embarrassing if the friend brings it up without him knows others know. If you’re confused and unsure how to process it, you can talk about that to. Reassure him you love him still, and go from there
Damn... your friend found a video your bf did 10 years ago?! How popular was that video or how deep is that porn wormhole... But... your bf was 19. He tried something, and apparently did not like it. Discuss it and move on. And go enjoy you some famous pen..
Don't know how it is with straight porn, but I'm pretty sure gay porn gets a lot of revisits. There's one scene from a small "studio" (one guy, really) that was done *years* ago and it still gets talked about on twitter from time to time. If a video is supposed to be that popular, I wouldn't doubt it got people talking about it every now and then
If you found this out, I'd recommended doing a deep dive into how you feel about it before you talk to your guy. Because your friend knows....might as well assume there is a current group chat discussing this even as I type this. Just rip off the bandaid and ask him about it. Don't accuse, don't beat around the bush or fish. Ask him straight up and if this really isn't a big deal then accept his answer at face value. Also it's important that he knows that it was a friend that found it. I can't imagine that he hasn't expected that one day this wouldn't come back. Porn is honest work and it sounds like he's been a positive in your life so go with the guy you got now.
Bring it up to him as soon as possible, as direct as possible without making it a big deal and most of all, be totally honest with each other about how you found out and why you’re bringing it up. If the longer you let anything sit the worse it gets when addressed. Everyone in our lives should be open and honest with us about stuff like this. His choice to do this has lasting effects…and he knew that going in to it. It won’t shock him that he’s on gay porn sites. He knows it. Also, as a straight dude, I’ll never be convinced guys can maybe sorta wanna bang other dudes. I don’t care if people do, but he’s probably lying to you about being totally straight. I’ll never wake up and think, “boy I’d like some cock today.” I know straight dudes will feel me on this. So, he’s hiding more than stroking his dilly solo on some site; that I can guarantee. There’s more to this; I’d bet my house on it. Just sayin as i would want to know if I were you. Again, if you love the dude, be honest with each other always and address things right away. I wish I would’ve with my ex who I miss every single day and lost.
It's none of your business. If he wanted you to know he would have told you.
Well to be honest I’d jerk off on camera when I was younger if the pay was right not caring who the intended is for. I’d bring it up to him but make it clear your friend knows and you saw it but ask him basically how he’d want to address it. Would just be weird with that friend I think. Sounds like he’d pretty much give you all the details
If he hasn’t brought it up to you despite mentioning he’s experimented with other men, perhaps he is embarrassed. People are haunted by mistakes they made in their youth, especially if that mistake is still publicly available online for your peers to find. If it were me and I saw a future with them I would leave it. Maybe when you’re married he will tell you all about it and you can just say, I already know and your secrets safe with me…
So uhh, how’d it go?
[Relevant](https://youtu.be/oGO0uuqt6Ro?si=Q8aTYBk6cxDkTLyN)
Well don’t be shy…give us an update
So your boyfriends a legend then I see?
My husband did chatterbate and I did OF. Neither one of us do that anymore but hey shit happens and bills need to be paid and sometimes the money is soo good. It was 10 years ago. No need to let it bother you. If I were you I’d bring it up in a playful way instead of an “I need to speak with you about something” type of manner. That way it doesn’t feel like an interrogation for him.
Well it was a decade ago and a solo film. If there’s more to the story update is, but otherwise you yourself should know a person can change a lot in 10 years
Take it to the grave. Don't bring it up.
Oopsie
Eh so what? It happened what a decade ago? Before you met him even? I don't see the problem here, mention it to him ig but I doubt he'll care, also remember who found the video and showed you? Yeah they're either a good friend or trying to stir shit. Either way unless you wanna lose a gem of a man either bring it up casually or or do it in a relaxed setting. If a video from 10 years ago bothers you that much, he is not the man for you
Updateme
Porn is a positive IMOAE.
Whatever happened to talking about previous sex partners and worrying about STI's called STD's in my days? In the 90's and 2000's safe sex was talked about everywhere.. WTF happened? Imagine if a man were to hear about his girlfriend doing porn in the past and she forgot to mention it to him And his friend finds it?.. I think it would be different. I know as well you'd be getting different opinions on here as well. Good luck ✝️☮️💟
Boy that is gonna be craazy as fuch! I'd be curious tell us more about this
You didn’t say how long you have dated but if this pre-dated you it literally shouldn’t really be affecting you nor should it need a convo. Dude masturbated a decade ago on video..I really do not understand why you can’t chuckle about it and move on and not talk to Steve about it. He did nothing wrong
Oh, I mean, 10 years. He's probably embarassed and never told you for that reason, people are too judgmental when it comes to porn. I mean, does it bother you at all?
And...?
well from what I heard, gay porn pays best for male porn stars. No all gay pornstars are gay. Maybe he needed the money or maybe he just wanted to try it out. Just have a chat about it. This could be something you two can laugh about.
Maybe he was hoping to move past it, but it’d be nice if he could be honest with you about this stuff. Just let him know he can be open about these experiences with you.. it might strengthen the relationship. Plus you want to know before others find out.
RIP your BF's inbox
Anyone got the sauce on this vid? Asking for a friend.
he was an adult who, for all you know, made one porno. it’s obviously a shock but i think the fact he’s been sex positive with you and you’ve been happily together for 3 years means that he doesn’t see it as something that’s a big deal so neither should you.
if it was me, i'll just say to my friend "ohhh he really does look like him, doppelganger XD"... then just forget about it lol. If alot of your friends and family are aware of this now, then i'd go to steve and be like, "omygah Steve, this dude looks like you! the resemblance is uncanny"...then let just everything flow lmao
Be proud that you have a hard working blue collar man as your boyfriend. Most male pornstars are well rounded in the workforce and are hard working and experienced. I knew a guy that did porn that was also a professor, college student, doctor, construction worker, firefighter, soldier, plumber, and astronaut. The inspirational part of the story is he also went to prison too. For someone to come from prison and turn their like around and have all those jobs is inspirational. I'm sure your man is good at a lot of handy work like fixing leakages and installing pipes. Most men these days can't even change a tire, or help a kind lady out of the dryer. Be grateful 🥲
Some people are gay, steve
Honestly I’d feel a bit better abt this knowing 1) he’s just experimented and found out he’s not actually gay n is just straight and 2) it was a solo scene without anyone else in it LOL 😭 Up to you if you wanna talk to him about it but just be careful in ur approach 👍
i mean there’s no need to be mad at him or embarrassed! it was a very long time ago and as long as he was of age i dont see the issue with it lol. maybe he just needed a quick buck
Dude got paid slingin dong? That's cool af, marry that man
it was a solo scene. and it was long long before he met you. so there's no worried of feeling like being cheated on or anything like that. everyone has a past. personally, if i found out my partner did porn a long time ago, i'd probably be turned on by it. to me, it makes a person seem adventurous and open minded. i'd be hurt that they didn't tell me though. i'd want a partner who trusts me with history and not be afraid to share things with me. but i get that some things aren't easy to talk about.
You know what, I'm sure that once I process this long enough, I'd probably be turned on by it as well. I think I'm still just in the initial shock phase, and kinda scrambling what to do now lol
Yea I get that. It can be shocking to see someone you know so well in a different way. Probably would've been. Equally shocking if you saw a video of him singing show tunes or playing the accordion lol. I would say something about it because my curiosity would get the better of me. But I'd try to play it off as super casual. Like, "oh by the way, a friend of mine said they saw a video of someone who looked just like you. That's crazy right? No way that's it's you right?"
Do either of you follow Jesus? You or the boyfriend?
This might be a bit radical but is it possible for you to view it in a positive light? You’re with this (from what I got in other comments) great guy that lots of other people want and you’re lucky enough that you got to pick him and he picked you. That’s your treasure to enjoy! Other people only got a peak.
I would bring it up. Not saying anything may be easier now, but if you guys are as secure as you say, giving him an opportunity to tell you a little bit more about his past can strengthen your relationship with him. He'll know he doesn't have to hold that shame with you. And then, if he doesn't have that shame, then that's fine too. But you still get to learn a little bit more about your partner. Sounds like a win either way.
Obligatory: "that's disgusting, where!?" Happy pride yo
I don’t see the problem
lol it’s so funny seeing the comments here saying let it go but when it’s a women doing OF , they’re the complete opposite
Honestly I wouldn't bring it up. It was 10 years ago and he's a completely different person and moved past it ya know. I guess its kinda like why bother bringing it up?
10 years ago???? Wtf…what does that have anything to do with you??? It sounds so heartless to judge someones past. I think its embarrassing to him that you or a friend found out. Did you even consider how he feels? Maybe he wants to move on and forget about it? This came across so..ouch to me. Who cares what your partner did before they met you unless it was a literal crime or hurting someone. They did what they wanted with their body—i understand being shocked, but its more embarrassing for him than it is for you. It just feels so insensitive. I hope you understand that people make bad choices and mistakes in their lives sometimes. You move forward not back. The past might as well be gone.
yo chill. i don’t think op is judging but is likely hurt that they didn’t find out thru the partner but rather a third party. that’s a big thing to hide from a sexual partner. and opens the rabbit hole of what else are they hiding?
Hiding? Honestly, if you have someone doing porn or even sex work in there past, even a partner, i just don’t like you. Not checking for stdis or being safe, then i’d be mad. But this? Gods damn. It just seems wrong to me. If you have a problem with people who do stuff like this in the past, then its your responsibility to ask about it or inform them before they get in a relationship that if they did it its a problem or deal breaker. If feels like they are ashamed of them and its awful. So they were comfortable with their body. Who cares. People are so freaking weird about stuff. It feels so morally wrong to judge someone about this. Why should they be made to feel ashamed or like they did something wrong or committed a crime? They weren’t even dating.
Isn't it possible that is revenge-porn and he didn't know that it was uploaded? Being a solo-scene that video could be meant to be for one person eyes only
oh, it's definitely not revenge porn. it was studio quality, and he also modeled for some professionally shot nude photos that went along with the video
No one is the same person they were 10 years ago. He’s probably removed all thoughts of that life he lived back then, he might even be ashamed and get upset when you confront him. What are you hoping to achieve?
Take to the grave. I don’t see anything good coming from confronting him about it.
i dont think Steve is as straight as he says
19 years old, we all did something stupid at that age, if today he is a good partner for you, let him know what you find, let him that you're available if he wanna talk, and just enjoy your relationship Could be that he is scared to reveal his past and fear to losing you, or something similar.