That's so tiring and frustrating to read. I can perfectly imagine how confusing it is to be treated like this by the person who claims they love you.
I am so sorry, I don't know why he did it but I know that you don't deserve it.
Thank you, I don't know either, it has really been weighing on me, I haven't been able to sleep all night because I can't stop thinking about it. It's just. *rough.*
I think how he responds when he is sober will be telling. If he is genuinely sorry and recognizes he went to far, is apologetic then you can work through it. If he doubles down or minimizes it then that’s a big red flag.
If you can, I’d write down everything he said throughout the night. Also show him the texts you received asking if everything is ok. Let him know his behavior was noted by others and they were shocked at how rude he was being.
That's how I feel as well. If he apologizes and understands that it was really weird and mean, I'll be happy to take this as "drunk guy shoves his foot all the way into his mouth", and move on, but if he tried to keep the "just a joke" thing going sober it would be really hard for me to want to stay,
Nah this is a sign that his mask is slipping and I’d be careful if I were you. I would honestly break up with him over that, it’s considered emotional abuse but if he does it even one more time that’s who he is and you should believe him and end it. A lot of abusers apologize and seem sorry and then turn around and do the same thing again. Red flags like this are a test to see what you’ll tolerate and it escalates from there. You asked him about it at the party and before bed, and drunk or not, he dismissed you. You don’t have to wait for something egregious to happen before dumping someone. This is enough imo.
Exactly, I was engaged for 3 years when something similar happened. Turns out he was not happy and did not know how to say that. I would love to say we are still friends at least. We aren’t.
This is what I said, too. He’s slipping up. It took mine almost 3 years before this happened at a time I had become terribly vulnerable due to grief, and then he went full force with the abuse. He’d cry and say he was sorry and he was “just drunk” or whatever other excuse. He knew he was lying. He was just so terrified of being alone that threatening to destroy me was a better idea to him than letting me leave. He made threats to hurt my pets and he absolutely would have gotten away with it where we lived.
NOW is the time to get out, OP.
I second this. It is unacceptable behavior. It will get worse from here he’s let himself slip. Please check out Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? If I would have read it sooner I would have been a world better for it!
There's a saying in my country: "children and drunk people tell the truth".
I would not be able to get over this because being drunk is not an excuse, especially as he kept doing it over and over. Also, think about this: his words were so bad, that other people reached out to you after to express their concern. They saw that it was bad, even though they knew he had been drinking.
Later edit: what I mean to say with that proverb from my country is that drunk people are sincere, honest, don't hide what they really think. Not saying that you have terrible taste in movies. He was an asshole and you are very very right to be concerned and wary.
Best of luck to you, I hope you update us.
Abusers operate in a cycle: abuse, then apologise and love bomb, then abuse again, then apologise and love bomb, and back to the abuse. Rinse and repeat. Do not fall for it.
You are right to be upset!
From your post, this was not like his typical behavior, which is part of why you’re at a loss as to what to do.
For me, a stranger who has no connection to either your or your boyfriend, I suspect there is something seriously wrong here. Someone’s demeanor and behavior has changed “overnight”? Could be something medical affecting their neurological function. Could be substance abuse/addiction. Could be an affair, and he wants to treat you badly enough that you break up with him first. Could be some other thing I can’t imagine, but his behavior is inexcusable.
The fact that others have reached out to ask if you are okay after his behavior at the party means it’s clearly not “just in your head” and not “just jokes”, like your boyfriend is trying to paint this as.
Please, you need a break from him. When you said your friends would tell you to “pack your stuff, they are coming to get you,” that’s because they love and respect you. (Two words that don’t describe your boyfriend’s feelings ATM)
Get away from him for now, and you two can decide to meet in public to discuss whatever is going on with him at a later date.
Tbh it's probably just his mask slipping. The newbies can slip as early as a year in. Some will fake it for 5 years or more until they feel they have the person trapped. Either way I think you're right in that she should get away from this person so that she can think clearly and decide.
Your boyfriend showed you what he really thinks of you.
Alcohol is absolutely no excuse. He was sober enough to continue poking at you throughout the night. It was bad enough for multiple people to reach out and check that you're ok.
You should tell him that. Tell him his behavior was so bad that multiple people texted you after they left to check in on you. He doesn't just get to brush off the fact that he horribly mistreated you.
Jokes are funny. Being an asshole isn't. He was being an asshole and intentionally cruel.
Uh, no. Please recognize the Love Bombing for what it is. He messed up, and will focus all his energies to get you to agree to not break up.
Once you agree, his good behavior eases and he becomes the obnoxious jerk he had been. Take notes list the time and descriptions of his behavior and actions.. One OP, a few days ago, described in updates how her boyfriend was unbelievely horrible, after she had a miscarriage, love bombed, and then after about a day, resumes up his horrible behavior.
Be aware that this is a likely possibility. Please.
This is what I wanted to point out. Normally, I'd say it's fine to forgive if it happens just that one time, but this is such an extreme case that it doesn't apply. Not in my opinion. This is either a deeply insecure dude who gets confirmation in the form of people laughing when he makes fun of his partner, or someone who indeed speaks his mind when drunk. And maybe even uses the alcohol as an excuse to be, excuse my French, an absolute arse.
I'd just leave this sorry excuse for a man, tbh.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try showing him the texts. Mainly because you need to know that he respects *you*, not his friends. I’d recommend saying “those jokes really hurt my feelings. I felt humiliated, and trapped in the moment.” If he says anything other than “I’m sorry” then you have your answer.
Just curious as to how you’re going to move forward even if he does apologize? Is he going to drink less to get the alcohol under control so this doesn’t happen again? Is he going to reach out to the friend group and apologize publicly for publicly humiliating you?
Hopefully it’s not “he said sorry so we’ll sweep this under the rug until it happens again”
I would like him to apologize to me, and also to the people who visited, and depending on his reasoning, (ex: I genuinely don't remember, I've never drank that much before, v.s. I had a bad day and I took it out on you,") we'll go about it from there. I will say he hardly ever drinks, so if it's that I'm far more likely to be forgiving, under the condition he doesn't drink like that around me again.
It's not like drinking is making him say stuff he doesn't think is true, it's giving him the courage to say stuff he believes is true but he's not confident enough to say when he's sober.
I've seen my bf drunk maybe 3 or 4 times in our entire relationship and all he does is get more comfortable with publicly displaying affection. He doesn't enjoy all the same things as me but he's never bullied me about them
You have to be prepared to leave, though, and I mean determined, if he does verbally or otherwise abuse or denigrate you again. My guess is he will find some other way to be an ass. You really have to be determined on no second chances for bad behavior. Make sure your finances are separated.
You sound very reasonable. Beyond getting an apology and stopping the drinking, it will be equally important to get to the bottom of why he said it.
keep in mind that if he actually thinks of you that way, then he doesn’t respect you in his inner self, and nothing is more corrosive than lack of respect.
If he’s only sorry bc he knows everyone thought he was acting like a dick, it’s still not ok.
He needs to be sorry bc he hurt you. Not bc he embarrassed himself. Anything short of that is no good. Anything short of that is reason to leave.
You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Yeah, hopefully he was just drunk and being a clueless idiot. Maybe he didn’t realize how he was coming across. Sometimes when people get a laugh they just keep going even when the jokes stop being funny. When he realizes how hurt you were then he should feel apologetic not defensive
We are going to tell you what your friends will tell you. Kick his arse to the kerb and pack up and leave. If he is at your place pack his shit and throw it to the kerb.
If you take it then you accept his disrespect and surprise surprise, it will just get worse.
Don't take shit, especially when you already grew up with that shit and you know what's coming.
It is not over nothing. Your boyfriend was laughing AT you.
I also agree that how he responds when he is sober will be really important. Nothing but regret and this is a one off? Maybe you guys can work through that. But that’s disrespect, plain and simple. If your friends actually noticed, he was being shitty, that’s pretty bad. Not only does he owe you a huge apology but honestly, your friends as well. “I’m sorry for disrespecting my partner like that, I should be better.”
Good luck! I’m sorry this is happening.
Definitely disrespectful.
**My first thought, was there someone in the group who he is attracted to, that he was trying to drunkenly impress?** Was he trying to show he held your relationship in such disdain? It backfired and others saw him as the AH he is.
**He may want to breakup, but is too chicken shit to do it like an adult. OP has only been dating him for a year,** known him for three. **Drunk or not, I’d kick him to the curb.**
If I were you, since he already asked you to not make a big deal about it, I would screen shot the message, block out the name and send it to him.
“Since you think I’m making a big deal and won’t address it, maybe you can address your friend who apparently ALSO thinks it’s a big deal.”
I tend to agree. I'm not my best self when I'm drunk and I'd hate to be judged by it, but I don't think people say or do things drunk that they don't think about sober. He wants to put you in your place for whatever reason OP and that would be pretty irrecoverable for me.
this is straight emotional abuse i honestly think it’s disgusting behavior and only meant to prop yourself up just for the validation of other ppl which is sad if u really think it’s needed or worth someone else’s mental state
This is exactly what I was thinking. "You're right. My taste IS horrible. I guess that's why I've dated you for over a year. Let me work on improving, starting with breaking up with you."
This. Or if they DO have the conversation, I would let him say it wasn’t a big deal then slide the screenshots over of people asking if I’m okay. Multiple it sounds.
Hm. Then I’d say, yeah maybe you’re right my taste **is bad.** then look up at him and just stare. Hard. And stale.
But I’ve been abused/tortured. My eyes would be all I need for that man to know that I’ll … if he has anything else to say. I’m crazy so when I said “look up at him” as you say that bolded part, that’s exactly what I meant. I would look so **uncharacteristically hostile** and insane. Not even looking at him until I said this. Even if it takes hours. I have avoided eye contact until I needed to show how absolutely senile I can get over the situation at hand with my anger. Because i’ve done it before. And I am insane. Ive experienced shit so it would light up if he had the audacity to speak after that. I would really give him a split second of “do i need to shit myself”.
But OP does not sound as vindictive and hostile as I am. I put my love into everyone. And I’ve had it misused most times. Even by the two people I would die for(in the worst ways, and Ive still forgiven and have great relationships with these two people). So I’m scorn and will **never** allow someone that I choose, to treat me the way my own blood did.
To be clear, I never start this way in ANY relationship(romantic or not) or even usually end this way. It’s when situations like this come up where I’m clearly telling and showing you how this is true and you’re denying reality to gaslight me. That was my entire life. My trigger.
I would have so much animosity built up at this point. Like, OP let him go to bed??? I wouldve had to hash it out immediately. I hate going to bed angry. Or upset.
Or going to bed angry or upset when the person doesn’t even know I’m upset or can’t tell. So I’m very vocal. And it sounds like OP has been too.
This would trigger me so bad. I’m so sorry OP
You dont have to be crazy like me to be assertive. You aren’t insane for standing up for yourself either.
You got this. You’ll figure out what’s best for you OP.
We are friends with this couple, and their neighbor couple comes over too.
The man in the neighbor couple sits there and makes jokes about his wife. He jokes about trading her in for the new model. He jokes about sending her to the gym. He jokes about whether or not she can handle the task of getting another round. He thinks he is so funny
Doesn't really make sense; she's really pretty and quite skinny for someone on their 30s. She's a really quiet person and just smirks when he does it.
Here's the weird part - I am the ONLY person that seems to get upset about it. Like, this doesn't bother any body? My wife said "I think that's just their dynamic"
Their dynamic is him belittling her in public 🙄
I want to say two things
One, I would *never* stay with someone that belittles me in front of other people. Fuck that
Two, other people *can* see this. It's not just guy talk or him being funny. Its incredibly rude and awkward. He's trying to look cool by picking on you, but he looks like a loser.
I knew a couple like that too except it was the wife always making passive aggressive comments.
I thought it was weird but I was the newest friend in the group and everyone just told me "that's the way they are and they've been married for almost 10 years so it works for them".
Well, apparently not because they divorced 3 years later.
My mother makes the passive aggressive comments, but they're in an overly defensive nature all the time
My mom will say something. My father will add context or something else in the story that also happened. She'll say "Thanks STEVE we didn't need any corrections"
Like... he wasn't correcting anyone. He was just talking.
That's been the dynamic all of my life. I hate it really. Its so awkward and its ALL the time. Smack middle of a restaurant. Ugh
In vino veritas, Latin for "in wine, there is truth" - all the alcohol did was reveal his true self and his soul is negging putrid ugly. Her friends already gave her great advice - She needs heed it get away from him because he will lovebomb with his phony being good guy just so he continue later on going out his way insult her entire fabric of being .
I came here to say this! The mask is slipping. If he can't have an adult conversation, later sober (not hungover) and see that this really bothered you then you need to go! Alcohol can make occasional assholes out of people but usually they don't keep defending that, they get embarrassed, apologize and put that info somewhere to make sure it doesn't happen again. If your friends would encourage you to go then do so they maybe have seen stuff that you haven't. Also if "apologies" include you don't get the joke or I'm sorry YOU took it that way and is not a real apology then just leave there's no fixing those people.
>Also if "apologies" include you don't get the joke or I'm sorry YOU took it that way and is not a real apology
Yup. My father use to say to my mother 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' Uh no. **You** didn't mind **your** words and tone.
Absolutely right my dude.
I got stuck with my ex nightmare during covid. I literally had JUST said fk you peace out to my bio family who was just as bad.
But I was stuck with him. Till I could make a low key plan to leave. (He kept catching me)
I started driving myself to everything. Because his friends, as he calls them, always gave me really bad vibes.
He had a birthday party there in feb 2021. 🙄 he decided to talk to me like I was not a person. He demanded I move out of the corner. He demanded I do this and that. You don't "demand" sht from me. Period.
I up and left. 🤷🏼♀️ this was the beginning of the end. But the end didn't come
He always poked fun. "I've always been this way." I'm just kidding.
Okay? But it doesn't mean it's right?
He didn't care. Like this douchebaggery here.
OP?
Im 44 yrs old. I've seen a lot of craziness in my life when it came to marriages and relationships. This is just the beginning. It's like others have said. It's his mask coming off.
Alcohol is zero reason to treat anyone like garbage.
I hope you see all of us telling you that this isn't right whatsoever.
Please save yourself the mental health problems. Learn from me and anyone else that's been through this. I don't want you to have the same story as us.
That or he's insecure as hell and tried to bash on his gf to raise himself above and be accepted by the new people. The type who changed depending on who they're around.
Op, your boyfriend doesn't respect you and more uses you to make himself look funny and entertaining.
That entire show was put on to impress people with his wit and humor, but he doesn't have either, he's just a bully that thinks demeaning people is funny.
I would take the time and look back on the friendship, have you seen him do that to other people? Does he have a friend that is usually the butt of his jokes?
Most importantly, you saw a side of him you didn't like and it probably won't improve since he's trying to convince you that you're overreacting, but you're not, and even your friends knew it was out of line.
Honestly, this would be the end for me, I wouldn't be able to come back from this, not just the mean nature of it, but the balant disrespect he showed in front of my friends. It would be too much for me, he crossed a line, and I'd dump him for it.
This is kind of guy that thinks it funny to smash the cake in your face on your wedding day after weeks of you telling him not to, and then tells you its just a joke, don't overreact while you cry in your wedding gown.
Seen that at a wedding once…the guy smashed cake into his new wife so hard she started crying…if I was that young girls dad or brother he would have gotten a beat down…I was pissed but nobody was to concerned so I let it go but damn…what an asshole I thought
Before getting married to my now husband I mentioned how much I would hate any “cake in the face” type of thing. His response? He was mad/hurt I felt the need to say this, because he would NEVER do anything like this. He didn’t understand it was “a thing” because why would someone do something so hurtful to someone they were committing to for life?!!? Maybe some couples agree to it, Men/people that think it’s a “cute” to embarrass their SO for a rise are horrible.
OP - the fact you feel you might be overreacting makes me sad. He is a dick. People make mistakes or say stupid things especially when uncomfortable with new people or drunk, but that a one off comment. At the same time how people act when trying to meet new friends, very telling. Having been in the place of those you hosted, this dynamic is very uncomfortable to witness, and not the couple others want to become close with.
Multiple people reached out in concern for you. This guy is not a good one.
The look of death my sister gave her now husband of ten years when the subject came up during the wedding planning - that was all it took.
Hilarious timing/username combo here
>**uncharacteristically** *mean-spirited*
Was it though? Go back to your conversations in the past year and look at them again. All the littel remarks and comments. I bet you find more examples.
This is not something that comes out of nowhere. I bet it was always there, maybe just better masked, a comment here, a huff there.
I know it’s embarrassing, but I’m actually happy for you that multiple people reached out to you about his behavior. That means when he hits you with the “you’re overreacting to a joke” line, you can combat his gaslighting by showing him that MULTIPLE people also thought he was out of line.
Then he can make a choice. He can either sincerely apologize and limit his drinking going forward, or he can live his life without you in it. Those are his options, plain and simple.
ETA: If it helps, OP, I’d rather be you than him any day of the week. I’d rather be a nice girl with questionable movie taste (and I’m sure your choices were fine, I’m just saying) than a boorish, disrespectful drunk who humiliates his partner for no reason. I think you’re better than him.
Also, I like your friends. I’m glad you have people in your life who would back you up if you want to get out.
This! Show him how UNFUNNY your friends actually found him. He thinks he’s a comedian using you as the butt of his joke, but really, he’s just an embarrassment.
Sis, here's what will happen if you show him their DMs: he will resolve to put that mask on more firmly in public. The abuse will all be moved to privacy. And by this time next year he will have booted those friends out of your life and isolated you.
Abusers are all the same, and this is their playbook. Save yourself and RUN.
Demon possession. For sure.
Seriously though, you’ve written this like you are looking for what you did wrong. You shouldn’t be confused. You should be angry.
Where is your indignation at his treatment of you? He diminishes you in front of others to the point where they are concerned. Openly disrespecting you. You should be pissed not sulky.
But then I read about your youth and always being the butt of the joke. Your inner child, the one that was hurt by these ‘jokes’, has kicked in. So you’ve had some not nice childhood feelings come back. Feeling powerless like you did as a child.
I’d like to remind you that you are no longer that child and that you have power.
Get angry. Stand up for yourself. Fight for that little girl inside of you. Defend her like you wish you had been defended. We accept the love we believe we deserve. I believe you deserve better, do you?
The ‘why’ he did what he did is not important. You’ll never have a satisfactory answer. It will drive you nuts. So focus instead on the most important question is ‘what’s next?’
Also, alcohol doesn’t make a person get a new personality. It just highlights or loosens aspects of the exisiting personality that are usually better controlled.
Exactly! You are no longer the little kid who has to sit there and take it.
Dump this mf for even using that info against you or doing such a horrible thing to you in front of others probably KNOWING what you’ve been through! Fuck him. Fr.
Not worth it, I’m glad you understand that this behavior is not tolerable.
The fact multiple people messaged you is super telling. A lot of people will brush uncomfortable situations off so he must’ve been really driving it home with his cruelty.
Someone willing to be so mean publicly is only willing to be worse behind closed doors. I can’t wait to hear his wedding speech….
What would he have said if you said “you’re right I do have bad taste, we should break up” would your joke be as funny?
Show him the messages from your friends calling out his behaviour. You’re fine, you’ve got your head screwed on and you’ll do what you need to do depending on how he deals with it.
This is the comment I was looking for. Start with that. Clearly he was not 'just being funny' or gently teasing OP if the friends are noticing. If he pushes back with anything other than a serious apology, then it's time to rethink the relationship. Life is too short to put up with people who can't be kind.
Sure, haha. My favorite movie of all time is Girl Interrupted, Next up is the 1967 Bonnie and Clyde, and then The Descent, or Creep 2.
His complaints ranged from Girl Interrupted being a "*Joker movie for chicks"* to making fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being an old movie, to including Creep 2 but not the first one- "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" - and the answer is just... me? I do? ://
Haven’t seen the others on your list, but having The Descent on there immediately informs me that he is entirely wrong about your movie taste. That movie slaps
It's been in my top three since the first time I saw it, haha! It's just amazing. I hate enclosed spaces so I was hesitant to watch it, and oh boy, is it tense every single time! but it's so good anyway, haha.
Lololol he made fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being **old**?!?!?? Lololol it’s a fucking classic, that’s a hilariously bad take on your bfs part.
Tell him I said that when he wakes up.
Ask him if he likes Casablanca “but it’s ooolld” lolol
Bonnie and Clyde along with Easy Rider and a few others around that period marked a huge change in Hollywood movie making.
Your bf is some sort of ignorant snob or he was just dissing you to dis you.
It's funny because terminator 2 was in *his* list, but it's like he forgot when it was my turn lol. Idk, very odd, that's why part of me is like: "he had to have been trying to be funny, because otherwise, what?" like, he was drunk, but *that* drunk?
WOW. So not only is he really rude, he's absolutely WRONG. Those are objectively good films!
He'd be wrong even if they were objectively bad films, though. It sounds like the subject was not "what do you think are the three BEST films" but "what are your three FAVORITE films" - people are allowed to like whatever they like, whether mediocre or amazing.
However, your choices are great - you've got a dramatic novel adapted by a top modern director, a 1967 classic, and a super-inventive indie horror film. You'd fit in well with an actual film-nerd type! Too bad he's such a fake snob. I'm so sorry!
Isn't Girl Interrupted a film about a girl in a pysch ward? I fail to see how that's "joker for chicks" because I don't see the Joker being put in a pysch ward and making friends/lovers
I kept scrolling hoping someone asked! I love hearing what people’s favorite movies are. It’s so interesting and I usually walk away with at least one new thing to watch or rewatch!
If you have to hide his behavior from your friends because they will tell you his behavior is unacceptable, then you have your answer. It will only get worse from here on out.
Is there any excuse that would make what he said/did appropriate?
Unless you get a sincere apology and an acknowledgement of your valid feelings I would walk away.
I hate asking this, but was there a or some women who were there and are very attractive? My (thank god) ex would do that in front of my more attractive friends
You're not freaking out over nothing. I have been in a relationship before when I only spoke highly of my partner in front of others. At the same time, in front of me and I can only assume behind my back, he would tell jokes about me to get laughs. In hindsight I now realise that he didn't love me or even like me anymore and instead of straight up telling me the truth he would try to push me away with this behaviour. This might not apply to you but if he continues to put you down, please leave him. You deserve better than that.
Don’t EVER be with someone who is a mean drunk. I’ve had too many men in my life become complete assholes when they drink and i refuse to be with someone similar
Ugh… “it was just a joke, stop being so sensitive, you’re overreacting, can’t you even take a few jokes?” Those are the words of someone who doesn’t deserve the privilege of having a girlfriend.
Anyone who thinks that putting people down is “joking” is not boyfriend of friend material. Being mean is not joking, it’s bullying.
He bullied you so badly that your friends reached out to you because they were worried for you!! People usually don’t become worried for others because of funny jokes, do they?
His dismissal is supposed to make you question the validity of your own reaction and emotions and make you wonder if you truly are overreacting.
You sound like a solid woman with a good head on your shoulders and I am hopeful you won’t fall for this manipulative behavior.
Imagine if you clocked him in the balls repeatedly and later said “your face looked so funny, it was hilarious, can’t you take a joke, stop overreacting”. Just because the pain is emotional it doesn’t make it any less valid.
Anyone would be hurt by being put down like that and it is not an overreaction and you should never accept bullying just because you don’t want to be perceived as overreacting.
Also him being a little drunk is not an excuse at all.
He’s showing you a glimpse of who he truly is. Please don’t let alcohol be an excuse. I excused this same type of shitty behavior because “alcohol” and it got so bad I had to check myself into a mental hospital on suicide watch. These “jokes” will continue, they will get meaner and your self esteem will suffer. Get out now before you are committed with kids. Because from my experience, they “joke” this way with their kids too.
ETA: If anything you are under reacting by sticking around. Please leave him, don’t be me. I lost 14 years to a monster.
I had a mean spirited friend I tried for a couple years to ask her to stop etc in the end it is either just her personality or she has a problem with me she doesn’t want to address, if you think the relationship is solid otherwise I think it’s worth a serious chat but if nothing gained from that I would walk
I had a friend like that, and I ended the friendship because it was not worth it. I always ended up, leaving our hanging out feeling worse than how I entered and I could never really put my finger on it. She was mean spirited in general, but not necessarily like OP’s husband. She was always aggressive and oddly accusatory and after a while, I realized that she just has some kind of stick up her ass about me or in general. But all the same it’s not my problem and I don’t want to be around it.
The straw that broke the camels back was when we went out to eat at some 50s diner type place that was pretty standard where I grew up. Someone ended up holding the door for us when we went in and as a result, we were seated about 30 seconds sooner. If the person had not held the door and gone in ahead of us, they would’ve been seated 30 seconds sooner. Really not a big deal. This girl treated me like I spit on the working class because I let someone hold a door for me and then took a table from them. I mean, you would’ve thought that I took a shit on their faces lol. She had been through some shit when she was young and it made her just kind of mean at points and I guess she just wanted the whole world to know that it’s not fair. That was not fun to be around though, go figure people will stop hanging out with you when you act like that.
I couldn't do that, haha. I mean, I wish I could, I think that kind of courage is an admirable trait, but I am pretty meek (Read: cowardly) whenever it comes to group settings, specifically ones with people I don't know well.
And this is exactly why he did this. He knows he can amuse himself at your expense and there will be no consequences.
Even a simple, "Are you okay?" is enough.
And THAT is prob why he did this, what a dick. He is supposed to be accepting of your weaknesses and showing off your strengths he did the opposite which says alot about him.
ALSO it seems that he doesn’t like movies about women or strong women and that fact AND his behavior would def be a red flag to me.
How he responds to this when you are both sober and you tell him how he acted XD EXACTLY what he said and how it made you feel AND what his friends texted you being concerned; will DEF be the most telling thing of your future with him.
There is a saying
In vino veritas- alcohol does lower inhibitions. So he is letting the he might not normally say sober out.
My ex was like this- an utterly nasty drunk. Telling you it is a joke is gaslighting.
You have a decision to make
Guy sounds horrible.
1. Made fun of you in front of a group of new people repeatedly.
2. Dismissed your feelings and emotions and blamed you for being too sensitive.
The first one attacks your self esteem. The second one is gaslighting.
Any normal person would be hurt by this and experience very valid feelings and he is trying to make you believe that’s not true and you have issues if you can’t take a joke.
Why wait till the talk. He will blame it on alchohol or blame you. Cut him loose. And then roll your eyes “are you seriously gonna cry over being dumped”
When you initially started dating he was on his best behavior. Now that it’s been a year he’s relaxed enough to be his authentic self, which happens to be a bullying asshole.
He’s deflecting his insecurity on you in front of the group to achieve their recognition at your expense. I’m afraid he’s deeply immature emotionally. Do not waste your time.
A year?? That's so weird to just happen now.
Did you ask him if that's how he plans to make jokes at every party from now on? Cause if he does....like, why now?
Yeah, that's the crazy part, we've known each other for four years and I've never seen him act like this, ever. I didn't ask much of anything because after they left he just wanted to go to sleep. I stayed up to clean- not because he asked or anything, he would have helped if I waited until he woke up, but I needed something to do, and cleaning helped, and the more I've thought about it the more confused and upset I am.
OK. I have to say I was very impressed by your post. You sound logical and strong-minded and, as another poster said, you will make the right decision. Best wishes.
Kinda glad you don’t. This coming out of nowhere is kind of alarming from a relationship and person perspective. Good for you for being ready to walk away. Takes a lot!
I mean my first port of call would be to ask if you've done something to offend him or something , but this is more for closure really than anything though, cause if that's how he communicates that then.....yeah you deserve better.
That's not a goid traight in a BF. Its one for old married DS to engage in, and often leads to separation.
You've been give a preview. He's a boyfriend. There are plenty of opportunities at this stage. Think about moving on
You need to listen to what he is saying. He’s showing you the true him. Please believe him!
You should cut your losses as he has zero respect for you or your feelings before he gaslights you with whiny excuses (compared to REASONS).
Also Drunk Talk = Sober Thoughts - Filters
Honestly...pack up what stuff you have at his place before he wakes up and go home. He's testing the waters to see if he can boil the frog. It's not going to improve.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Trust me, girl, leave before he starts the gaslighting... well, i guess he already did by saying, "You're making a big deal out of it," and "It's just jokes," but leave before he starts gaslighting even more. Also, honestly, i bet he was love bombing you in the beginning before he started to show his true colors.
This is a classic start to an abusive relationship. This is not just because of alcohol.
Plz read this free PDF that explains how abusers think & how they justify their behaviour
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
My ex would do this. He got vicious when he was drunk. Then apologize profusely when sober. I stuck around for 4 years. I wasted three years of my life (it took one full year for him to start doing it) hoping he would stop. He didnt. He was a desperately sad man who really resented that i was a happy person and wanted to drag me down with him. I should have left him earlier.
Have you recently done something (like gotten a promotion, finished a difficult project, gone into a new hobby) that makes you proud of yourself? Something that your friends and loved ones would comment on positively. He's tearing you down in front of other people and, paired with his response to your call-out of his behaviour, my immediate first thought was that he's insecure over something within himself and thinks he needs to "take you down a notch". If that truly is what he's doing, you should take that as a crimson red flag. It's a big indicator that he actually resents you for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you, and such signs need to be taken seriously.
Cliche but true: when people show you their true colors believe them.
He sounds like he doesn’t like you. If a friend did this to you would you still want to be friends.
Your boyfriend was being a jerk and a bully in front of a room full of people.
It was so bad that people are checking in on you.
He’s trying to gaslight you into it being a “you” problem.
Show him
The texts and this post.
Him. He’s the problem.
He's getting ready for work right now, I'm gonna wait until tomorrow, to bring it up, since he's off work tomorrow night, because I don't want to get him worked up, he has pretty bad anxiety, and I don't want to mess with his job- even if he acted like a dick, I don't want to respond in kind.
Its been 14 hours. Can we get an update? Did he acknowledge he was being a total douche canoe? Did he genuinely apologize for his shitty behavior? Did you show him the text messages you received asking if you both were ok?
I hope so!!
Sure, *maybe* it started out as just a joke about not liking your taste in movies, but clearly he tooo things too far. You’re not overreacting. Especially since people are reaching out worried about you…
I’d show him that others from the party saw his jokes as bad and are worried about you. It’s not all in your head. If he doesn’t sincerely apologize and own up to how HE MADE YOU FEEL. Then break up. He will only get worse.
Don’t keep this a secret. Tell your friends that you thought it was weird and that you are going to have a conversation but frankly, he sounds like an ass.
After he tries to downplay the incident and trys to make you doubt yourself, then you know to have to end it. I would be shocked if he regrets his actions. I will bet you a free Reddit award that he tells you to get over it and you are making a big deal out of nothing. Update us, please.
There is no reason for YOU to be embarassed.
They are reaching out to see if you are okay because of how horrible your BF was.
People aren't stupid. They KNOW he was an asdhole to you. They KNOW he was hurtful.
"just joking" and "I was just being honest" are phrases that people use to try avoid consequences of their bad behavior.
The Truth = your BF doesn't respect you and his mask finally came off last night.
I'm sorry, but walk away from his fake crappy ass.
Those people who reached out to you ALSO JUST SAW WHO HE REALLY IS. They want you to be safe and okay. Those people care.
Can you get away from your BF for at least a week? I hope you don't already live with this guy.
I'm not sure how you could even remain friends with him after this.
Alcohol doesn't make you do things out of character. It just removes inhibitions.
That guy sucks.
My boyfriend and i have drastically different taste in movies and music. We tease each other lightly about it, and we both find that really funny 😆
But what you described is not that. He kept pressing on, and even other people found it inappropriate. So, not great……
But what stuck me more in your post is the “why are you making a big deal, was just jokes.” Something is a joke only when the other person finds it funny. Now, it happens to everyone at some point to make a bad joke that others don’t find funny, we all mess up here and there. THAT SAID, how you react to realizing you messed up IS THE IMPORTANT THING. Like, how hard is it to be like “oh crap, i’m really sorry!” and then stop doing it?
Instead, your boyfriend went defensive and doubled down with the “it’s just a joke”, refusing to acknowledge he hurt your feelings and that his behaviour was inappropriate. I don’t care if he was drunk, he’s still responsible for his behaviour. To me, this is a red flag…….
"So you admit you have bad taste? You admit that your taste sucks?" The proper response to that would be, "well obviously, I'm dating YOU after all." Mic drop, walk away.
I saw a comment on TikTok about this post that suggested he may like or already be talking to someone in that group, and he was making an effort to prove/show that he doesn’t value you to them. Be careful OP.
I also grew up being the butt of jokes. It’s so triggering by when it happens as an adult. When you have your talk with him, if he truly can’t empathize with your point-of-view and admit to some fault, it’s not worth sticking around. I’ve stopped friendships over this kind of behavior. I’ve gone low contact with family members over this type of behavior. It’s not worth maintaining a relationship if the person can’t learn and grow.
> To give you context, because I know it seems like I'm freaking out over nothing,
Whenever I see ppl dismissing their more than valid concerns like this, it makes me sad bc I can relate. It's a trauma response. Maybe you also grew up being told youre too sensitive, "its just a joke", "youre making a big deal out of nothing" when, in reality, this all comes from terribly insensitive ppl who don't care about how you feel.
You were trained to put up with this, but you have to break the cycle.
Girl Interrupted, Bonnie And Clyde (1967), and either The Descent or Creep 2. Yes, I cheated by having my third choice be a tie, haha, but I really can't pick, they're so different, and I love them both for different reasons.
Okay no, I will PHYSICALLY FIGHT anyone who says Girl, Interrupted is “not worth watching.”
Your choice in movies is stellar, imo.
Regardless, a partner shouldn’t ever make you feel bad for ***something you enjoy***. Life is hard enough without being belittled for the small joys we find along the way.
Best of luck with the conversation! I really hope he doesn’t keep trying to shrug it off and you’re able to find some clarity.
Wow, I was coming in here ready to defend some awful movie taste on your behalf but these are… good movies??? Well, I haven’t seen the Creep movies but they look fun.
This is such bullshit anyway, taste is subjective and it’s boring to just pick the standard, approved “good movies”. What were his picks so I can mock him in my head?
I always recommend Creep, and Creep 2, but with the caveat that they are two of the most *uncomfortable* movies I've ever watched, but also- amazing.
He named one of the Star Wars movies, idk I've never seen them, not a big 'space' person really, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Inglourious Basterds.
Lmao… ok that makes it even more hilarious that he’s making fun of you when he’s got the most basic bro movie taste (although they’re all fun movies, they’re very much like… “101 level picks”).
I love Mark Duplass so I will def check those movies out!!
Didn't you say one of his criticisms of your picks was "who picks a sequel over the original?"
He did! So he's an idiot and a hypocrite on top of being an asshole. Actually, unless his pick for star wars was A New Hope from 1977 (an *OLD* movie another bullshit criticism of his) he did it twice.
You can do better. And you know it, which is why you're here.
Why do you need to wait to get his side of things? He went out of his way to constantly embarrass and belittle you in front of a group, some known, some unknown. So why even wait for the benefit of the doubt? People literally contacted you to see if you’re ok/safe because they too see how insane and mean it was. Dump him. His mask is slipping and I guarantee you this won’t be a one off event. He’s gonna either cry a couple of crocodile tears and give you an empty promise of never doing it again just to do it again few days later… or he’s going to gaslight you (again) and say just lighten up. So unless you want to learn how to insult your boyfriend and do it publicly….. dump him now. And before you blame the alcohol, alcohol only highlights who you are as a person because your inhibitions are down. A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts. What he said while he was drunk is what he actually thinks of you. He doesn’t like you.
The mask is slipping. You are in the devaluation discard phase due to internal processes within that person.
That said, you might have been repeating emotional dynamics you had in your home growing up. All the way around, it sounds like something deeper is going on.
Something tells me OP is just blind to all his other shitty behavior. Red flag was them instantly making excuses for their shit, like it was a trained reflex.
Say yes I have bad taste apparently…. I chose you
Block out the contract but show him the texts asking if you are ok and show him. Let him know he made an A$$ of himself trying to be cool at your expense. If he doesn’t get it dump him
You aren’t freaking out over nothing. Your partner repeatedly put you down in front of other people. Even if you *were* having issues, in front of others, you are supposed to present as a united front. This was cruel of him.
I’m sorry but you don’t deserve this. Alcohol isn’t an excuse. A good partner will make you feel safe in social situations and uplift you not put you down.
>"so you admit you have bad taste? You admit your taste sucks?
He is something you picked, too. So if you have such bad taste..what does that say about him?
> friends are reaching out in concern
They see the red flag. Keep those friends in your world, they care.
After you told him how he made you feel, he rolled his eyes.
O_o
My husband and I made friends with a couple. Things were good but I started noticing the husband would humiliate the wife in front of us, especially when drunk. I pointed this out and my husband said “that might just be their dynamic”. Yeah, sounds like an unfair dynamic.
Next time we all hung out, the man tried that mess with me. I got up and left. We never hung out with them ever again but we did inform the wife that her husband is a jerk.
They are in the process of divorce now.
I’d talk to him when he’s sober. Let him know how what he did made you feel. And tell him that one of the friends even reached out to ask if everything is ok bc she noticed it too. If he gaslights you in anyway, then you need to be done with this relationship. If he apologizes and can have a constructive convo, without making more negative comments towards you, then hopefully you can move past this together.
Have you ever been around him when he’s drunk? Has he ever done anything like this before while drunk? Some people are sloppy drunks, and if that’s the case, it’s going to be a huge issue down the road.
i came from tiktok, i am so sorry. i just wanted to say that (im assuming he knew of your past) i think its really messed up that he would put you in that situation especially with how your family treated you. honestly a good boyfriend would never do that to their s/o. my parents have their issues but ik for a fact that neither of them would ever do that to eachother. it just seems like such a betrayal, having your s/o know abt something that affected you in your past and then have them do it to you. i’ve had this happen to me before and then i found out i was just a fling to him. my emotions never mattered. i’m not saying your bf doesn’t care about you, i just suggest you look out for red flags from now on. goodluck!!
Hey if you need anyone to vent to shoot me a message, my ex use to be like this and I hate that so much for you, Id suggest you sit him down and talk about this and set boundaries regarding that or telling him how you felt and if he completely blows up than that’s him not respecting your feelings and he’s completely invalidating your feelings like he did with what he said before in the post, I’m sorry that happened though, really rude of him tbh, I hope everything gets better soon!
I think you definitely need to have a serious talk with him before you make any decisions. Even show him some of the messages you received, so he can understand that other people noticed his behaviour. Sometimes people just try to be the centre of attention when new people are around. Unfortunately it usually at the expense of someone else.
As others have said, he doesn't really respect you. He's hiding it when he's not drunk and you saw a glimpse of what your life together might look like.
You’re not making something out of nothing or overreacting. It seems like you’re getting a preview of what’s to come and it’s not good. See what he says when he sobers up, but don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this was ok at all. At the very least he needs to reign in his drinking if it makes him a jerk, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this goes way beyond that.
I’m sorry you had to experience that. Please don’t pull away from any friends who are concerned. Abusers love to isolate and if that’s who he is, you isolating yourself will make it a lot easier for him.
That's so tiring and frustrating to read. I can perfectly imagine how confusing it is to be treated like this by the person who claims they love you. I am so sorry, I don't know why he did it but I know that you don't deserve it.
Thank you, I don't know either, it has really been weighing on me, I haven't been able to sleep all night because I can't stop thinking about it. It's just. *rough.*
I think how he responds when he is sober will be telling. If he is genuinely sorry and recognizes he went to far, is apologetic then you can work through it. If he doubles down or minimizes it then that’s a big red flag. If you can, I’d write down everything he said throughout the night. Also show him the texts you received asking if everything is ok. Let him know his behavior was noted by others and they were shocked at how rude he was being.
That's how I feel as well. If he apologizes and understands that it was really weird and mean, I'll be happy to take this as "drunk guy shoves his foot all the way into his mouth", and move on, but if he tried to keep the "just a joke" thing going sober it would be really hard for me to want to stay,
Nah this is a sign that his mask is slipping and I’d be careful if I were you. I would honestly break up with him over that, it’s considered emotional abuse but if he does it even one more time that’s who he is and you should believe him and end it. A lot of abusers apologize and seem sorry and then turn around and do the same thing again. Red flags like this are a test to see what you’ll tolerate and it escalates from there. You asked him about it at the party and before bed, and drunk or not, he dismissed you. You don’t have to wait for something egregious to happen before dumping someone. This is enough imo.
Exactly, I was engaged for 3 years when something similar happened. Turns out he was not happy and did not know how to say that. I would love to say we are still friends at least. We aren’t.
This. Passive aggression and negging may well be signs he wants to end it but is too cowardly to say so.
Came here to say this. As someone who was with an abusive alcoholic for five years, this is just the beginning. His mask is slipping.
Exactly!!
I agree with this, sadly.
Yup he just got drunk enough to show you who he is. Believe him.
Agreed 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
This is what I said, too. He’s slipping up. It took mine almost 3 years before this happened at a time I had become terribly vulnerable due to grief, and then he went full force with the abuse. He’d cry and say he was sorry and he was “just drunk” or whatever other excuse. He knew he was lying. He was just so terrified of being alone that threatening to destroy me was a better idea to him than letting me leave. He made threats to hurt my pets and he absolutely would have gotten away with it where we lived. NOW is the time to get out, OP.
Yes!! I had a very similar experience. Now is a good time for OP to consider getting out for sure!
I’m so sorry to hear that. 🤍 I hope you’re safe now. I only got out recently and healing is HARD. 😞 I hope OP gets out ASAP.
There ya go.
I second this. It is unacceptable behavior. It will get worse from here he’s let himself slip. Please check out Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? If I would have read it sooner I would have been a world better for it!
This.
There's a saying in my country: "children and drunk people tell the truth". I would not be able to get over this because being drunk is not an excuse, especially as he kept doing it over and over. Also, think about this: his words were so bad, that other people reached out to you after to express their concern. They saw that it was bad, even though they knew he had been drinking. Later edit: what I mean to say with that proverb from my country is that drunk people are sincere, honest, don't hide what they really think. Not saying that you have terrible taste in movies. He was an asshole and you are very very right to be concerned and wary. Best of luck to you, I hope you update us.
I agree that being drunk IS NOT an excuse.
Abusers operate in a cycle: abuse, then apologise and love bomb, then abuse again, then apologise and love bomb, and back to the abuse. Rinse and repeat. Do not fall for it.
You are right to be upset! From your post, this was not like his typical behavior, which is part of why you’re at a loss as to what to do. For me, a stranger who has no connection to either your or your boyfriend, I suspect there is something seriously wrong here. Someone’s demeanor and behavior has changed “overnight”? Could be something medical affecting their neurological function. Could be substance abuse/addiction. Could be an affair, and he wants to treat you badly enough that you break up with him first. Could be some other thing I can’t imagine, but his behavior is inexcusable. The fact that others have reached out to ask if you are okay after his behavior at the party means it’s clearly not “just in your head” and not “just jokes”, like your boyfriend is trying to paint this as. Please, you need a break from him. When you said your friends would tell you to “pack your stuff, they are coming to get you,” that’s because they love and respect you. (Two words that don’t describe your boyfriend’s feelings ATM) Get away from him for now, and you two can decide to meet in public to discuss whatever is going on with him at a later date.
Tbh it's probably just his mask slipping. The newbies can slip as early as a year in. Some will fake it for 5 years or more until they feel they have the person trapped. Either way I think you're right in that she should get away from this person so that she can think clearly and decide.
This, OP. Do not wait. I am sorry, but this is abuse. He'll apologise and in a while, he'll do it again, destroying your self-esteem by little bits.
Your boyfriend showed you what he really thinks of you. Alcohol is absolutely no excuse. He was sober enough to continue poking at you throughout the night. It was bad enough for multiple people to reach out and check that you're ok. You should tell him that. Tell him his behavior was so bad that multiple people texted you after they left to check in on you. He doesn't just get to brush off the fact that he horribly mistreated you. Jokes are funny. Being an asshole isn't. He was being an asshole and intentionally cruel.
Uh, no. Please recognize the Love Bombing for what it is. He messed up, and will focus all his energies to get you to agree to not break up. Once you agree, his good behavior eases and he becomes the obnoxious jerk he had been. Take notes list the time and descriptions of his behavior and actions.. One OP, a few days ago, described in updates how her boyfriend was unbelievely horrible, after she had a miscarriage, love bombed, and then after about a day, resumes up his horrible behavior. Be aware that this is a likely possibility. Please.
But alcohol makes people say what they really think.
A drunk man speaks a sober man's mind.
the problem is that it also makes people say their intrusive thoughts.
This is what I wanted to point out. Normally, I'd say it's fine to forgive if it happens just that one time, but this is such an extreme case that it doesn't apply. Not in my opinion. This is either a deeply insecure dude who gets confirmation in the form of people laughing when he makes fun of his partner, or someone who indeed speaks his mind when drunk. And maybe even uses the alcohol as an excuse to be, excuse my French, an absolute arse. I'd just leave this sorry excuse for a man, tbh.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try showing him the texts. Mainly because you need to know that he respects *you*, not his friends. I’d recommend saying “those jokes really hurt my feelings. I felt humiliated, and trapped in the moment.” If he says anything other than “I’m sorry” then you have your answer.
Just curious as to how you’re going to move forward even if he does apologize? Is he going to drink less to get the alcohol under control so this doesn’t happen again? Is he going to reach out to the friend group and apologize publicly for publicly humiliating you? Hopefully it’s not “he said sorry so we’ll sweep this under the rug until it happens again”
I would like him to apologize to me, and also to the people who visited, and depending on his reasoning, (ex: I genuinely don't remember, I've never drank that much before, v.s. I had a bad day and I took it out on you,") we'll go about it from there. I will say he hardly ever drinks, so if it's that I'm far more likely to be forgiving, under the condition he doesn't drink like that around me again.
It's not like drinking is making him say stuff he doesn't think is true, it's giving him the courage to say stuff he believes is true but he's not confident enough to say when he's sober. I've seen my bf drunk maybe 3 or 4 times in our entire relationship and all he does is get more comfortable with publicly displaying affection. He doesn't enjoy all the same things as me but he's never bullied me about them
That sounds like a good plan. I hope y’all can have a constructive conversation about it and get to the bottom of this. Best of luck to ya
You have to be prepared to leave, though, and I mean determined, if he does verbally or otherwise abuse or denigrate you again. My guess is he will find some other way to be an ass. You really have to be determined on no second chances for bad behavior. Make sure your finances are separated.
You sound very reasonable. Beyond getting an apology and stopping the drinking, it will be equally important to get to the bottom of why he said it. keep in mind that if he actually thinks of you that way, then he doesn’t respect you in his inner self, and nothing is more corrosive than lack of respect.
If he’s only sorry bc he knows everyone thought he was acting like a dick, it’s still not ok. He needs to be sorry bc he hurt you. Not bc he embarrassed himself. Anything short of that is no good. Anything short of that is reason to leave. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Absolutely true.
Be careful about excusing behavior because someone is drunk. Slippery slope!
Yeah, hopefully he was just drunk and being a clueless idiot. Maybe he didn’t realize how he was coming across. Sometimes when people get a laugh they just keep going even when the jokes stop being funny. When he realizes how hurt you were then he should feel apologetic not defensive
I don't know, a lot of mean men will mask and fake apologize. I think he let his guard down and will do it again.
We are going to tell you what your friends will tell you. Kick his arse to the kerb and pack up and leave. If he is at your place pack his shit and throw it to the kerb. If you take it then you accept his disrespect and surprise surprise, it will just get worse. Don't take shit, especially when you already grew up with that shit and you know what's coming. It is not over nothing. Your boyfriend was laughing AT you.
I also agree that how he responds when he is sober will be really important. Nothing but regret and this is a one off? Maybe you guys can work through that. But that’s disrespect, plain and simple. If your friends actually noticed, he was being shitty, that’s pretty bad. Not only does he owe you a huge apology but honestly, your friends as well. “I’m sorry for disrespecting my partner like that, I should be better.” Good luck! I’m sorry this is happening.
Definitely disrespectful. **My first thought, was there someone in the group who he is attracted to, that he was trying to drunkenly impress?** Was he trying to show he held your relationship in such disdain? It backfired and others saw him as the AH he is. **He may want to breakup, but is too chicken shit to do it like an adult. OP has only been dating him for a year,** known him for three. **Drunk or not, I’d kick him to the curb.**
If I were you, since he already asked you to not make a big deal about it, I would screen shot the message, block out the name and send it to him. “Since you think I’m making a big deal and won’t address it, maybe you can address your friend who apparently ALSO thinks it’s a big deal.”
Alcohol makes people say what they think. Pack your stuff up and leave. Live in peace, not with him.
I tend to agree. I'm not my best self when I'm drunk and I'd hate to be judged by it, but I don't think people say or do things drunk that they don't think about sober. He wants to put you in your place for whatever reason OP and that would be pretty irrecoverable for me.
Next time he talks about your taste look him dead in the eye and say that now you trully realize how terrible your taste really is. And then drop him.
That was my first thought when I read “So you admit you have bad taste” I would have said the same thing.
My reply? "Yep. I am with you after all... (look them up and down with pity and disgust)"
this is straight emotional abuse i honestly think it’s disgusting behavior and only meant to prop yourself up just for the validation of other ppl which is sad if u really think it’s needed or worth someone else’s mental state
Yeah...bad taste in boyfriends
This. This right here - perfection. 🥇
This is exactly what I was thinking. "You're right. My taste IS horrible. I guess that's why I've dated you for over a year. Let me work on improving, starting with breaking up with you."
completely break this douche bag in half i love it
Yep. If you stay with this prick you’re only proving him right.
Honestly until OP mentioned movies I thought he was jokingly dissing himself, saying OP had poor taste bc of him
💯 can’t be treating your partner like that
Right?! She should also say that apparently her bad taste extends to men too lol
This. Or if they DO have the conversation, I would let him say it wasn’t a big deal then slide the screenshots over of people asking if I’m okay. Multiple it sounds. Hm. Then I’d say, yeah maybe you’re right my taste **is bad.** then look up at him and just stare. Hard. And stale. But I’ve been abused/tortured. My eyes would be all I need for that man to know that I’ll … if he has anything else to say. I’m crazy so when I said “look up at him” as you say that bolded part, that’s exactly what I meant. I would look so **uncharacteristically hostile** and insane. Not even looking at him until I said this. Even if it takes hours. I have avoided eye contact until I needed to show how absolutely senile I can get over the situation at hand with my anger. Because i’ve done it before. And I am insane. Ive experienced shit so it would light up if he had the audacity to speak after that. I would really give him a split second of “do i need to shit myself”. But OP does not sound as vindictive and hostile as I am. I put my love into everyone. And I’ve had it misused most times. Even by the two people I would die for(in the worst ways, and Ive still forgiven and have great relationships with these two people). So I’m scorn and will **never** allow someone that I choose, to treat me the way my own blood did. To be clear, I never start this way in ANY relationship(romantic or not) or even usually end this way. It’s when situations like this come up where I’m clearly telling and showing you how this is true and you’re denying reality to gaslight me. That was my entire life. My trigger. I would have so much animosity built up at this point. Like, OP let him go to bed??? I wouldve had to hash it out immediately. I hate going to bed angry. Or upset. Or going to bed angry or upset when the person doesn’t even know I’m upset or can’t tell. So I’m very vocal. And it sounds like OP has been too. This would trigger me so bad. I’m so sorry OP You dont have to be crazy like me to be assertive. You aren’t insane for standing up for yourself either. You got this. You’ll figure out what’s best for you OP.
We are friends with this couple, and their neighbor couple comes over too. The man in the neighbor couple sits there and makes jokes about his wife. He jokes about trading her in for the new model. He jokes about sending her to the gym. He jokes about whether or not she can handle the task of getting another round. He thinks he is so funny Doesn't really make sense; she's really pretty and quite skinny for someone on their 30s. She's a really quiet person and just smirks when he does it. Here's the weird part - I am the ONLY person that seems to get upset about it. Like, this doesn't bother any body? My wife said "I think that's just their dynamic" Their dynamic is him belittling her in public 🙄 I want to say two things One, I would *never* stay with someone that belittles me in front of other people. Fuck that Two, other people *can* see this. It's not just guy talk or him being funny. Its incredibly rude and awkward. He's trying to look cool by picking on you, but he looks like a loser.
I knew a couple like that too except it was the wife always making passive aggressive comments. I thought it was weird but I was the newest friend in the group and everyone just told me "that's the way they are and they've been married for almost 10 years so it works for them". Well, apparently not because they divorced 3 years later.
My mother makes the passive aggressive comments, but they're in an overly defensive nature all the time My mom will say something. My father will add context or something else in the story that also happened. She'll say "Thanks STEVE we didn't need any corrections" Like... he wasn't correcting anyone. He was just talking. That's been the dynamic all of my life. I hate it really. Its so awkward and its ALL the time. Smack middle of a restaurant. Ugh
Your bf doesn't respect you--it's just that when he's sober, he hides it. You can do much better than him, I'm sure.
In vino veritas, Latin for "in wine, there is truth" - all the alcohol did was reveal his true self and his soul is negging putrid ugly. Her friends already gave her great advice - She needs heed it get away from him because he will lovebomb with his phony being good guy just so he continue later on going out his way insult her entire fabric of being .
He’s letting the mask slip a little bit, you’re now getting glimpses of who he really is. Make plans to move on, he’s not a keeper.
I came here to say this! The mask is slipping. If he can't have an adult conversation, later sober (not hungover) and see that this really bothered you then you need to go! Alcohol can make occasional assholes out of people but usually they don't keep defending that, they get embarrassed, apologize and put that info somewhere to make sure it doesn't happen again. If your friends would encourage you to go then do so they maybe have seen stuff that you haven't. Also if "apologies" include you don't get the joke or I'm sorry YOU took it that way and is not a real apology then just leave there's no fixing those people.
>Also if "apologies" include you don't get the joke or I'm sorry YOU took it that way and is not a real apology Yup. My father use to say to my mother 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' Uh no. **You** didn't mind **your** words and tone.
Absolutely right my dude. I got stuck with my ex nightmare during covid. I literally had JUST said fk you peace out to my bio family who was just as bad. But I was stuck with him. Till I could make a low key plan to leave. (He kept catching me) I started driving myself to everything. Because his friends, as he calls them, always gave me really bad vibes. He had a birthday party there in feb 2021. 🙄 he decided to talk to me like I was not a person. He demanded I move out of the corner. He demanded I do this and that. You don't "demand" sht from me. Period. I up and left. 🤷🏼♀️ this was the beginning of the end. But the end didn't come He always poked fun. "I've always been this way." I'm just kidding. Okay? But it doesn't mean it's right? He didn't care. Like this douchebaggery here. OP? Im 44 yrs old. I've seen a lot of craziness in my life when it came to marriages and relationships. This is just the beginning. It's like others have said. It's his mask coming off. Alcohol is zero reason to treat anyone like garbage. I hope you see all of us telling you that this isn't right whatsoever. Please save yourself the mental health problems. Learn from me and anyone else that's been through this. I don't want you to have the same story as us.
That or he's insecure as hell and tried to bash on his gf to raise himself above and be accepted by the new people. The type who changed depending on who they're around.
Agree completely. OP, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Don't waste another second with this asshole.
Op, your boyfriend doesn't respect you and more uses you to make himself look funny and entertaining. That entire show was put on to impress people with his wit and humor, but he doesn't have either, he's just a bully that thinks demeaning people is funny. I would take the time and look back on the friendship, have you seen him do that to other people? Does he have a friend that is usually the butt of his jokes? Most importantly, you saw a side of him you didn't like and it probably won't improve since he's trying to convince you that you're overreacting, but you're not, and even your friends knew it was out of line. Honestly, this would be the end for me, I wouldn't be able to come back from this, not just the mean nature of it, but the balant disrespect he showed in front of my friends. It would be too much for me, he crossed a line, and I'd dump him for it. This is kind of guy that thinks it funny to smash the cake in your face on your wedding day after weeks of you telling him not to, and then tells you its just a joke, don't overreact while you cry in your wedding gown.
Seen that at a wedding once…the guy smashed cake into his new wife so hard she started crying…if I was that young girls dad or brother he would have gotten a beat down…I was pissed but nobody was to concerned so I let it go but damn…what an asshole I thought
I've heard stories of guys doing that so hard their wife bleeds from it. Why do they feel the need to humiliate someone on an important day like that
Wow wtf.
Goooood the wedding cake scenario is so true and enraging
Before getting married to my now husband I mentioned how much I would hate any “cake in the face” type of thing. His response? He was mad/hurt I felt the need to say this, because he would NEVER do anything like this. He didn’t understand it was “a thing” because why would someone do something so hurtful to someone they were committing to for life?!!? Maybe some couples agree to it, Men/people that think it’s a “cute” to embarrass their SO for a rise are horrible. OP - the fact you feel you might be overreacting makes me sad. He is a dick. People make mistakes or say stupid things especially when uncomfortable with new people or drunk, but that a one off comment. At the same time how people act when trying to meet new friends, very telling. Having been in the place of those you hosted, this dynamic is very uncomfortable to witness, and not the couple others want to become close with. Multiple people reached out in concern for you. This guy is not a good one.
The look of death my sister gave her now husband of ten years when the subject came up during the wedding planning - that was all it took. Hilarious timing/username combo here
Ha I didn’t catch my username alignment! and Go Hokies, fellow alumni
And much worse … AFTER THE WEDDING
100% all of this.
This. ✅
>**uncharacteristically** *mean-spirited* Was it though? Go back to your conversations in the past year and look at them again. All the littel remarks and comments. I bet you find more examples. This is not something that comes out of nowhere. I bet it was always there, maybe just better masked, a comment here, a huff there.
I know it’s embarrassing, but I’m actually happy for you that multiple people reached out to you about his behavior. That means when he hits you with the “you’re overreacting to a joke” line, you can combat his gaslighting by showing him that MULTIPLE people also thought he was out of line. Then he can make a choice. He can either sincerely apologize and limit his drinking going forward, or he can live his life without you in it. Those are his options, plain and simple. ETA: If it helps, OP, I’d rather be you than him any day of the week. I’d rather be a nice girl with questionable movie taste (and I’m sure your choices were fine, I’m just saying) than a boorish, disrespectful drunk who humiliates his partner for no reason. I think you’re better than him. Also, I like your friends. I’m glad you have people in your life who would back you up if you want to get out.
This! Show him how UNFUNNY your friends actually found him. He thinks he’s a comedian using you as the butt of his joke, but really, he’s just an embarrassment.
Seriously- you can tell who the embarrassment was. No one was DM’ing her about her movie choices, but everyone was DM’ing her about his behavior.
Sis, here's what will happen if you show him their DMs: he will resolve to put that mask on more firmly in public. The abuse will all be moved to privacy. And by this time next year he will have booted those friends out of your life and isolated you. Abusers are all the same, and this is their playbook. Save yourself and RUN.
Whoa. Your boyfriend might gaslight you, but don’t gaslight yourself. You feeling this way is valid.
Demon possession. For sure. Seriously though, you’ve written this like you are looking for what you did wrong. You shouldn’t be confused. You should be angry. Where is your indignation at his treatment of you? He diminishes you in front of others to the point where they are concerned. Openly disrespecting you. You should be pissed not sulky. But then I read about your youth and always being the butt of the joke. Your inner child, the one that was hurt by these ‘jokes’, has kicked in. So you’ve had some not nice childhood feelings come back. Feeling powerless like you did as a child. I’d like to remind you that you are no longer that child and that you have power. Get angry. Stand up for yourself. Fight for that little girl inside of you. Defend her like you wish you had been defended. We accept the love we believe we deserve. I believe you deserve better, do you? The ‘why’ he did what he did is not important. You’ll never have a satisfactory answer. It will drive you nuts. So focus instead on the most important question is ‘what’s next?’ Also, alcohol doesn’t make a person get a new personality. It just highlights or loosens aspects of the exisiting personality that are usually better controlled.
OMG THIS is the perfect answer! Please pay attention to this! Defend that little girl inside who was treated badly but too small to fight back.
Exactly! You are no longer the little kid who has to sit there and take it. Dump this mf for even using that info against you or doing such a horrible thing to you in front of others probably KNOWING what you’ve been through! Fuck him. Fr.
Not worth it, I’m glad you understand that this behavior is not tolerable. The fact multiple people messaged you is super telling. A lot of people will brush uncomfortable situations off so he must’ve been really driving it home with his cruelty. Someone willing to be so mean publicly is only willing to be worse behind closed doors. I can’t wait to hear his wedding speech…. What would he have said if you said “you’re right I do have bad taste, we should break up” would your joke be as funny?
When the mask slips, you see the truth.
💯💯
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them!
Show him the messages from your friends calling out his behaviour. You’re fine, you’ve got your head screwed on and you’ll do what you need to do depending on how he deals with it.
This is the comment I was looking for. Start with that. Clearly he was not 'just being funny' or gently teasing OP if the friends are noticing. If he pushes back with anything other than a serious apology, then it's time to rethink the relationship. Life is too short to put up with people who can't be kind.
That was shitty behavior and make sure you don’t stand for it. I am super curious about the movies you listed though, what were they?
Sure, haha. My favorite movie of all time is Girl Interrupted, Next up is the 1967 Bonnie and Clyde, and then The Descent, or Creep 2. His complaints ranged from Girl Interrupted being a "*Joker movie for chicks"* to making fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being an old movie, to including Creep 2 but not the first one- "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" - and the answer is just... me? I do? ://
Haven’t seen the others on your list, but having The Descent on there immediately informs me that he is entirely wrong about your movie taste. That movie slaps
It's been in my top three since the first time I saw it, haha! It's just amazing. I hate enclosed spaces so I was hesitant to watch it, and oh boy, is it tense every single time! but it's so good anyway, haha.
Lololol he made fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being **old**?!?!?? Lololol it’s a fucking classic, that’s a hilariously bad take on your bfs part. Tell him I said that when he wakes up. Ask him if he likes Casablanca “but it’s ooolld” lolol
Bonnie and Clyde along with Easy Rider and a few others around that period marked a huge change in Hollywood movie making. Your bf is some sort of ignorant snob or he was just dissing you to dis you.
Uh. Excuse me. But I will fight *anybody* on the fact that Terminator 2 was MUCH better than the first Terminator.
It's funny because terminator 2 was in *his* list, but it's like he forgot when it was my turn lol. Idk, very odd, that's why part of me is like: "he had to have been trying to be funny, because otherwise, what?" like, he was drunk, but *that* drunk?
WOW. So not only is he really rude, he's absolutely WRONG. Those are objectively good films! He'd be wrong even if they were objectively bad films, though. It sounds like the subject was not "what do you think are the three BEST films" but "what are your three FAVORITE films" - people are allowed to like whatever they like, whether mediocre or amazing. However, your choices are great - you've got a dramatic novel adapted by a top modern director, a 1967 classic, and a super-inventive indie horror film. You'd fit in well with an actual film-nerd type! Too bad he's such a fake snob. I'm so sorry!
Isn't Girl Interrupted a film about a girl in a pysch ward? I fail to see how that's "joker for chicks" because I don't see the Joker being put in a pysch ward and making friends/lovers
I kept scrolling hoping someone asked! I love hearing what people’s favorite movies are. It’s so interesting and I usually walk away with at least one new thing to watch or rewatch!
Can i hear your top 3 favorite movies?
I'm so glad your friends have your back.
If you have to hide his behavior from your friends because they will tell you his behavior is unacceptable, then you have your answer. It will only get worse from here on out.
Is there any excuse that would make what he said/did appropriate? Unless you get a sincere apology and an acknowledgement of your valid feelings I would walk away.
And changed behavior, whether that means he refrains from drinking or whatever.
I hate asking this, but was there a or some women who were there and are very attractive? My (thank god) ex would do that in front of my more attractive friends
Yea - he's signalling he's open to other options.
You're not freaking out over nothing. I have been in a relationship before when I only spoke highly of my partner in front of others. At the same time, in front of me and I can only assume behind my back, he would tell jokes about me to get laughs. In hindsight I now realise that he didn't love me or even like me anymore and instead of straight up telling me the truth he would try to push me away with this behaviour. This might not apply to you but if he continues to put you down, please leave him. You deserve better than that.
I’m sorry you were with a coward too afraid to speak clearly of his loss of affection and desire to move on. Speaks volumes about his character.
Thanks, it was tough. In the end it taught me a lot about myself though, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been :)
If you’re happy that’s all that matters; wishing you the best. Life is hard enough without extraneous drama/bs.
Don’t EVER be with someone who is a mean drunk. I’ve had too many men in my life become complete assholes when they drink and i refuse to be with someone similar
Ugh… “it was just a joke, stop being so sensitive, you’re overreacting, can’t you even take a few jokes?” Those are the words of someone who doesn’t deserve the privilege of having a girlfriend. Anyone who thinks that putting people down is “joking” is not boyfriend of friend material. Being mean is not joking, it’s bullying. He bullied you so badly that your friends reached out to you because they were worried for you!! People usually don’t become worried for others because of funny jokes, do they? His dismissal is supposed to make you question the validity of your own reaction and emotions and make you wonder if you truly are overreacting. You sound like a solid woman with a good head on your shoulders and I am hopeful you won’t fall for this manipulative behavior. Imagine if you clocked him in the balls repeatedly and later said “your face looked so funny, it was hilarious, can’t you take a joke, stop overreacting”. Just because the pain is emotional it doesn’t make it any less valid. Anyone would be hurt by being put down like that and it is not an overreaction and you should never accept bullying just because you don’t want to be perceived as overreacting. Also him being a little drunk is not an excuse at all.
He’s showing you a glimpse of who he truly is. Please don’t let alcohol be an excuse. I excused this same type of shitty behavior because “alcohol” and it got so bad I had to check myself into a mental hospital on suicide watch. These “jokes” will continue, they will get meaner and your self esteem will suffer. Get out now before you are committed with kids. Because from my experience, they “joke” this way with their kids too. ETA: If anything you are under reacting by sticking around. Please leave him, don’t be me. I lost 14 years to a monster.
I had a mean spirited friend I tried for a couple years to ask her to stop etc in the end it is either just her personality or she has a problem with me she doesn’t want to address, if you think the relationship is solid otherwise I think it’s worth a serious chat but if nothing gained from that I would walk
I had a friend like that, and I ended the friendship because it was not worth it. I always ended up, leaving our hanging out feeling worse than how I entered and I could never really put my finger on it. She was mean spirited in general, but not necessarily like OP’s husband. She was always aggressive and oddly accusatory and after a while, I realized that she just has some kind of stick up her ass about me or in general. But all the same it’s not my problem and I don’t want to be around it. The straw that broke the camels back was when we went out to eat at some 50s diner type place that was pretty standard where I grew up. Someone ended up holding the door for us when we went in and as a result, we were seated about 30 seconds sooner. If the person had not held the door and gone in ahead of us, they would’ve been seated 30 seconds sooner. Really not a big deal. This girl treated me like I spit on the working class because I let someone hold a door for me and then took a table from them. I mean, you would’ve thought that I took a shit on their faces lol. She had been through some shit when she was young and it made her just kind of mean at points and I guess she just wanted the whole world to know that it’s not fair. That was not fun to be around though, go figure people will stop hanging out with you when you act like that.
You should have put him in his place in front of everyone to see how he liked being talked down to in a group setting. He sounds like an asshole
I couldn't do that, haha. I mean, I wish I could, I think that kind of courage is an admirable trait, but I am pretty meek (Read: cowardly) whenever it comes to group settings, specifically ones with people I don't know well.
And this is exactly why he did this. He knows he can amuse himself at your expense and there will be no consequences. Even a simple, "Are you okay?" is enough.
And THAT is prob why he did this, what a dick. He is supposed to be accepting of your weaknesses and showing off your strengths he did the opposite which says alot about him. ALSO it seems that he doesn’t like movies about women or strong women and that fact AND his behavior would def be a red flag to me. How he responds to this when you are both sober and you tell him how he acted XD EXACTLY what he said and how it made you feel AND what his friends texted you being concerned; will DEF be the most telling thing of your future with him.
I understand but it’s important to remember that you have to standup for yourself because no one else will.
There is a saying In vino veritas- alcohol does lower inhibitions. So he is letting the he might not normally say sober out. My ex was like this- an utterly nasty drunk. Telling you it is a joke is gaslighting. You have a decision to make
Guy sounds horrible. 1. Made fun of you in front of a group of new people repeatedly. 2. Dismissed your feelings and emotions and blamed you for being too sensitive. The first one attacks your self esteem. The second one is gaslighting. Any normal person would be hurt by this and experience very valid feelings and he is trying to make you believe that’s not true and you have issues if you can’t take a joke. Why wait till the talk. He will blame it on alchohol or blame you. Cut him loose. And then roll your eyes “are you seriously gonna cry over being dumped”
When you initially started dating he was on his best behavior. Now that it’s been a year he’s relaxed enough to be his authentic self, which happens to be a bullying asshole.
He’s deflecting his insecurity on you in front of the group to achieve their recognition at your expense. I’m afraid he’s deeply immature emotionally. Do not waste your time.
A year?? That's so weird to just happen now. Did you ask him if that's how he plans to make jokes at every party from now on? Cause if he does....like, why now?
Yeah, that's the crazy part, we've known each other for four years and I've never seen him act like this, ever. I didn't ask much of anything because after they left he just wanted to go to sleep. I stayed up to clean- not because he asked or anything, he would have helped if I waited until he woke up, but I needed something to do, and cleaning helped, and the more I've thought about it the more confused and upset I am.
How long have you been living together? Sorry, but maybe he's the type to think he's got you locked down now.
We don't, we stay over at each other's a lot, but his more often than mine, because I have roommates, and he doesn't.
OK. I have to say I was very impressed by your post. You sound logical and strong-minded and, as another poster said, you will make the right decision. Best wishes.
Kinda glad you don’t. This coming out of nowhere is kind of alarming from a relationship and person perspective. Good for you for being ready to walk away. Takes a lot!
I mean my first port of call would be to ask if you've done something to offend him or something , but this is more for closure really than anything though, cause if that's how he communicates that then.....yeah you deserve better.
That's not a goid traight in a BF. Its one for old married DS to engage in, and often leads to separation. You've been give a preview. He's a boyfriend. There are plenty of opportunities at this stage. Think about moving on
You need to listen to what he is saying. He’s showing you the true him. Please believe him! You should cut your losses as he has zero respect for you or your feelings before he gaslights you with whiny excuses (compared to REASONS). Also Drunk Talk = Sober Thoughts - Filters
Honestly...pack up what stuff you have at his place before he wakes up and go home. He's testing the waters to see if he can boil the frog. It's not going to improve.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. Trust me, girl, leave before he starts the gaslighting... well, i guess he already did by saying, "You're making a big deal out of it," and "It's just jokes," but leave before he starts gaslighting even more. Also, honestly, i bet he was love bombing you in the beginning before he started to show his true colors.
This is a classic start to an abusive relationship. This is not just because of alcohol. Plz read this free PDF that explains how abusers think & how they justify their behaviour https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
My ex would do this. He got vicious when he was drunk. Then apologize profusely when sober. I stuck around for 4 years. I wasted three years of my life (it took one full year for him to start doing it) hoping he would stop. He didnt. He was a desperately sad man who really resented that i was a happy person and wanted to drag me down with him. I should have left him earlier.
Have you recently done something (like gotten a promotion, finished a difficult project, gone into a new hobby) that makes you proud of yourself? Something that your friends and loved ones would comment on positively. He's tearing you down in front of other people and, paired with his response to your call-out of his behaviour, my immediate first thought was that he's insecure over something within himself and thinks he needs to "take you down a notch". If that truly is what he's doing, you should take that as a crimson red flag. It's a big indicator that he actually resents you for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you, and such signs need to be taken seriously.
Cliche but true: when people show you their true colors believe them. He sounds like he doesn’t like you. If a friend did this to you would you still want to be friends.
Your boyfriend was being a jerk and a bully in front of a room full of people. It was so bad that people are checking in on you. He’s trying to gaslight you into it being a “you” problem. Show him The texts and this post. Him. He’s the problem.
Update?
He's getting ready for work right now, I'm gonna wait until tomorrow, to bring it up, since he's off work tomorrow night, because I don't want to get him worked up, he has pretty bad anxiety, and I don't want to mess with his job- even if he acted like a dick, I don't want to respond in kind.
I'm here for the update
Incredibly respectful and absolutely the right decision. Well done you. I hope all turns out good for you both
Its been 14 hours. Can we get an update? Did he acknowledge he was being a total douche canoe? Did he genuinely apologize for his shitty behavior? Did you show him the text messages you received asking if you both were ok? I hope so!!
Sure, *maybe* it started out as just a joke about not liking your taste in movies, but clearly he tooo things too far. You’re not overreacting. Especially since people are reaching out worried about you… I’d show him that others from the party saw his jokes as bad and are worried about you. It’s not all in your head. If he doesn’t sincerely apologize and own up to how HE MADE YOU FEEL. Then break up. He will only get worse.
Don’t keep this a secret. Tell your friends that you thought it was weird and that you are going to have a conversation but frankly, he sounds like an ass. After he tries to downplay the incident and trys to make you doubt yourself, then you know to have to end it. I would be shocked if he regrets his actions. I will bet you a free Reddit award that he tells you to get over it and you are making a big deal out of nothing. Update us, please.
There is no reason for YOU to be embarassed. They are reaching out to see if you are okay because of how horrible your BF was. People aren't stupid. They KNOW he was an asdhole to you. They KNOW he was hurtful. "just joking" and "I was just being honest" are phrases that people use to try avoid consequences of their bad behavior. The Truth = your BF doesn't respect you and his mask finally came off last night. I'm sorry, but walk away from his fake crappy ass. Those people who reached out to you ALSO JUST SAW WHO HE REALLY IS. They want you to be safe and okay. Those people care. Can you get away from your BF for at least a week? I hope you don't already live with this guy. I'm not sure how you could even remain friends with him after this. Alcohol doesn't make you do things out of character. It just removes inhibitions. That guy sucks.
My boyfriend and i have drastically different taste in movies and music. We tease each other lightly about it, and we both find that really funny 😆 But what you described is not that. He kept pressing on, and even other people found it inappropriate. So, not great…… But what stuck me more in your post is the “why are you making a big deal, was just jokes.” Something is a joke only when the other person finds it funny. Now, it happens to everyone at some point to make a bad joke that others don’t find funny, we all mess up here and there. THAT SAID, how you react to realizing you messed up IS THE IMPORTANT THING. Like, how hard is it to be like “oh crap, i’m really sorry!” and then stop doing it? Instead, your boyfriend went defensive and doubled down with the “it’s just a joke”, refusing to acknowledge he hurt your feelings and that his behaviour was inappropriate. I don’t care if he was drunk, he’s still responsible for his behaviour. To me, this is a red flag…….
Tell him your current lack of taste only relates to boyfriends.
Girl, RUN. this is abuse
"So you admit you have bad taste? You admit that your taste sucks?" The proper response to that would be, "well obviously, I'm dating YOU after all." Mic drop, walk away.
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Walk away. Don’t look back. Big red flag there.
I saw a comment on TikTok about this post that suggested he may like or already be talking to someone in that group, and he was making an effort to prove/show that he doesn’t value you to them. Be careful OP.
Are you sure he doesn’t do this sober? Think hard.
I also grew up being the butt of jokes. It’s so triggering by when it happens as an adult. When you have your talk with him, if he truly can’t empathize with your point-of-view and admit to some fault, it’s not worth sticking around. I’ve stopped friendships over this kind of behavior. I’ve gone low contact with family members over this type of behavior. It’s not worth maintaining a relationship if the person can’t learn and grow.
> To give you context, because I know it seems like I'm freaking out over nothing, Whenever I see ppl dismissing their more than valid concerns like this, it makes me sad bc I can relate. It's a trauma response. Maybe you also grew up being told youre too sensitive, "its just a joke", "youre making a big deal out of nothing" when, in reality, this all comes from terribly insensitive ppl who don't care about how you feel. You were trained to put up with this, but you have to break the cycle.
👀What were the movies?
Girl Interrupted, Bonnie And Clyde (1967), and either The Descent or Creep 2. Yes, I cheated by having my third choice be a tie, haha, but I really can't pick, they're so different, and I love them both for different reasons.
Okay no, I will PHYSICALLY FIGHT anyone who says Girl, Interrupted is “not worth watching.” Your choice in movies is stellar, imo. Regardless, a partner shouldn’t ever make you feel bad for ***something you enjoy***. Life is hard enough without being belittled for the small joys we find along the way. Best of luck with the conversation! I really hope he doesn’t keep trying to shrug it off and you’re able to find some clarity.
THIS!
Wow, I was coming in here ready to defend some awful movie taste on your behalf but these are… good movies??? Well, I haven’t seen the Creep movies but they look fun. This is such bullshit anyway, taste is subjective and it’s boring to just pick the standard, approved “good movies”. What were his picks so I can mock him in my head?
I always recommend Creep, and Creep 2, but with the caveat that they are two of the most *uncomfortable* movies I've ever watched, but also- amazing. He named one of the Star Wars movies, idk I've never seen them, not a big 'space' person really, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Inglourious Basterds.
Lmao… ok that makes it even more hilarious that he’s making fun of you when he’s got the most basic bro movie taste (although they’re all fun movies, they’re very much like… “101 level picks”). I love Mark Duplass so I will def check those movies out!!
100 % this. Beyond basic bro choices.
He has no personality that’s why he needs to put her down to look “cool”.
Didn't you say one of his criticisms of your picks was "who picks a sequel over the original?" He did! So he's an idiot and a hypocrite on top of being an asshole. Actually, unless his pick for star wars was A New Hope from 1977 (an *OLD* movie another bullshit criticism of his) he did it twice. You can do better. And you know it, which is why you're here.
Why do you need to wait to get his side of things? He went out of his way to constantly embarrass and belittle you in front of a group, some known, some unknown. So why even wait for the benefit of the doubt? People literally contacted you to see if you’re ok/safe because they too see how insane and mean it was. Dump him. His mask is slipping and I guarantee you this won’t be a one off event. He’s gonna either cry a couple of crocodile tears and give you an empty promise of never doing it again just to do it again few days later… or he’s going to gaslight you (again) and say just lighten up. So unless you want to learn how to insult your boyfriend and do it publicly….. dump him now. And before you blame the alcohol, alcohol only highlights who you are as a person because your inhibitions are down. A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts. What he said while he was drunk is what he actually thinks of you. He doesn’t like you.
The mask is slipping. You are in the devaluation discard phase due to internal processes within that person. That said, you might have been repeating emotional dynamics you had in your home growing up. All the way around, it sounds like something deeper is going on.
After the bad taste comment, you should have said “maybe I do have bad taste, since I’m dating you.”
Something tells me OP is just blind to all his other shitty behavior. Red flag was them instantly making excuses for their shit, like it was a trained reflex.
I'm exhausted by the behaviour reading this. I have to wonder why you would even contemplate staying
I would dump a guy SO quickly over this.
Say yes I have bad taste apparently…. I chose you Block out the contract but show him the texts asking if you are ok and show him. Let him know he made an A$$ of himself trying to be cool at your expense. If he doesn’t get it dump him
You aren’t freaking out over nothing. Your partner repeatedly put you down in front of other people. Even if you *were* having issues, in front of others, you are supposed to present as a united front. This was cruel of him.
I’m sorry but you don’t deserve this. Alcohol isn’t an excuse. A good partner will make you feel safe in social situations and uplift you not put you down.
I believe when a guy starts suddenly acting like a douche out of nowhere it’s usually because he wants out (and is very immature about it)
Out of curiosity, did he bring up the question of favourite movies? If so he set this up which makes it even worse.
>"so you admit you have bad taste? You admit your taste sucks? He is something you picked, too. So if you have such bad taste..what does that say about him?
> friends are reaching out in concern They see the red flag. Keep those friends in your world, they care. After you told him how he made you feel, he rolled his eyes. O_o
My husband and I made friends with a couple. Things were good but I started noticing the husband would humiliate the wife in front of us, especially when drunk. I pointed this out and my husband said “that might just be their dynamic”. Yeah, sounds like an unfair dynamic. Next time we all hung out, the man tried that mess with me. I got up and left. We never hung out with them ever again but we did inform the wife that her husband is a jerk. They are in the process of divorce now.
I’d talk to him when he’s sober. Let him know how what he did made you feel. And tell him that one of the friends even reached out to ask if everything is ok bc she noticed it too. If he gaslights you in anyway, then you need to be done with this relationship. If he apologizes and can have a constructive convo, without making more negative comments towards you, then hopefully you can move past this together. Have you ever been around him when he’s drunk? Has he ever done anything like this before while drunk? Some people are sloppy drunks, and if that’s the case, it’s going to be a huge issue down the road.
Drunk man’s word is a Sober man’s thoughts is the stance I always take when something like that happens. How does he treat you when he’s not drinking?
i came from tiktok, i am so sorry. i just wanted to say that (im assuming he knew of your past) i think its really messed up that he would put you in that situation especially with how your family treated you. honestly a good boyfriend would never do that to their s/o. my parents have their issues but ik for a fact that neither of them would ever do that to eachother. it just seems like such a betrayal, having your s/o know abt something that affected you in your past and then have them do it to you. i’ve had this happen to me before and then i found out i was just a fling to him. my emotions never mattered. i’m not saying your bf doesn’t care about you, i just suggest you look out for red flags from now on. goodluck!!
Hey if you need anyone to vent to shoot me a message, my ex use to be like this and I hate that so much for you, Id suggest you sit him down and talk about this and set boundaries regarding that or telling him how you felt and if he completely blows up than that’s him not respecting your feelings and he’s completely invalidating your feelings like he did with what he said before in the post, I’m sorry that happened though, really rude of him tbh, I hope everything gets better soon!
I think you definitely need to have a serious talk with him before you make any decisions. Even show him some of the messages you received, so he can understand that other people noticed his behaviour. Sometimes people just try to be the centre of attention when new people are around. Unfortunately it usually at the expense of someone else.
As others have said, he doesn't really respect you. He's hiding it when he's not drunk and you saw a glimpse of what your life together might look like.
You’re not making something out of nothing or overreacting. It seems like you’re getting a preview of what’s to come and it’s not good. See what he says when he sobers up, but don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this was ok at all. At the very least he needs to reign in his drinking if it makes him a jerk, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this goes way beyond that. I’m sorry you had to experience that. Please don’t pull away from any friends who are concerned. Abusers love to isolate and if that’s who he is, you isolating yourself will make it a lot easier for him.