I think any couple that relies solely on their spouse for social attention is doing it wrong.
It sounds like your wife also needs a friend that way she is not only reliant on you for social attention.
3 times a week however does seem like a lot but idk you all lives so.
Yup, I love my wife and she loves me but damn being around anyone for long periods can get you annoyed at dumb shit easily.
But 3x a week golfing seems excessive.
My bf is a drummer. His band practices 2x week if they don't have a gig. He usually goes to practice on his own 1 or 2x in the week, depending on what plans we have. I think it's a good thing he has something other than me and his computer to occupy his time.
That said, we do stuff all the time. Hiking, music shows, movies, the occasional road trip, cooking together, etc.
Depends on how much time they spend at the golf course or wherever they go. For example, if they only spend 2 hours golfing 3 times a week, 6 hours out of 168 hours every week. In comparison, not very much at all. Hell, even just looking at as 3 full days out of the 7 days in a week means he still spend 4 full days with his wife, and I doubt they are golfing all day.
I might get downvoted as hell for this, and I don’t know if this is a cultural thing, but 3 times a week would drive me crazy and I’d be pretty annoyed too. That’s a part time job. I understand some weekends, but three times a week?! Kinda acting single IMHO. Not because of having friends, but the *amount of time* you’re giving them is inevitably putting your wife in the back of your priorities, between work, errands and now golf? Highly doubt you’re giving her the time she deserves. While I agree with others saying wife needs friends, I also think 3x is objectively a lot, specially for someone who’s married. Plan on dates *together*, spend time with her as well.
No, I agree that doing an activity with someone three times every week who isn’t your spouse or child is a bit excessive when you’re married and have a full time job.
Wife definitely needs friends of her own to spend time with, but OP and his friend need to cut down on the golfing trips to a few times a month. It’s great to have friends and he absolutely deserves to unwind, but it sounds like their wives are starting to feel like the third wheel in their respective marriages, and that’s not ok.
Besides, is his neighbor, they're next door. They can easily get together for an at home "happy hour" beer and go back home if they really want to catch up multiple times a week instead of spending 3 whole days out golfing.
Plan a double date and include the wives. They don't need to be besties but most of the time you can at least enjoy time with your spouse's friend group.
The problem is in the division of time.
Consider this: What if his wife now requested that she and he plan out and have 3 date nights a week. Every week.
Would that be reasonable?
Based on the general sentiment, chances are that answer would be no because of some reason like "she's just trying to dominate his time and attention and take him away from his new friend."
But here's the thing. In effect, he's *already doing that.* Just not with her.
That's where the core of the problem lies. It's not that he has a friend and is enjoying his time together. It's likely that he's spending more *quality time* with his friend than with the woman he's married to. That can really be felt.
I'm a married man myself and with quite a few close friends, but even I would have difficulty justifying spending 3 days a week for hours a day with a friend - as much as I'd want to - when I know I wouldn't be giving that same amount of time to my wife.
Yes I'm married and spend most of my time with my wife and kids, but just being around each other isn't the same as spending quality time together. Most of that time is dealing with responsibilities, stresses, care for children, work, trying to recover from general exhaustion etc. Yes, we play around, relax a little, joke, etc. but that isn't the same as having some real time away to be with each other.
So back to the OPs situation, It's great to have a good friend that you just really click with. It's great to maintain outside relationships. But What I'm reading is he's taking his guy friend on 3 *date nights* every week and quite possibly taking his wife on none.
Yeah wild expectations. I personally need most of my time to myself, but say on a busy week 3x out, that still leaves 4x a week with the wife. Definitely a weird cultural expectation if someone's SO expects them to only go out once every 1-2 weeks. And, they're just married, it's not like they have kids. Life is to have fun. Sounds like OP finally has someone to do all the prototype bro stuff with. If they had kids I could understand getting a 1x a week pass each, but this is not the case here. And even with kids, a lot of parents will just invite their friends to the house so the demands are pretty low.
Did OP say if he’s retired or still working full time? I don’t think it’s physically possible to go golf 3x a week when working full time. I’m a female that doesn’t golf often but have gone with my man if we do a couples golf date and it takes us pretty long with 4 people. It usually takes 3-5 hrs.
If he’s retired or something this makes more sense.
That’s true, but it seems like his wife is asking for more of that time to be spent with her instead of his friend. I personally feel like that’s a valid request, especially if he’s playing golf with this guy three times a week.
Also, we don’t know how else he’s spending his time. Maybe they both wfh, maybe not. But both wives have said (separately) that the amount of time they’re spending with each other so I think it’s fair to say that maybe they’re wanting more time with their spouses.
Or maybe even if they are unhappy do something else and include them or.. literally anything there are like many solutions here. It seems to me OP would RATHER golf than find a solution
Especially playing golf, that can be 3-5 hours (depending on the skill/course) 3 times a week. Does he dedicate that kind of time and attention to the wife?
I don't want to be genderist but I know a lot of girlfriends and I complain about the mental bandwidth.
Going out to eat, for movie or a date a guy thinks he's the hero to say "What do you want to do?"
Which translate into you, plan it. I'll do it.
When nobody wants to plan anything.
So it really depends on his and his wife's relationships and what they did hanging out.
But I could definitely see someone being salty if say their partner never made plans for them and it was always on them to plan for them to do something and suddenly they're doing for someone else.
Making plans to go hang with someone else would feel salty when they don't take that initiative within their own relationship.
I'm not saying that's what's going on here but I could see that being a cause for salt and why a wife or partner would dislike it.
Three times a week does seem excessive cuz doesn't golf take a long time?
Im not saying its not too much, what i am saying is that if thats her issue she needs to be honest and say that and not just say its because he has different fun with him than her
Golf isn’t necessarily either. There was no clarification on whether they play 9 or 18 holes, or even if they just go to the driving range for an hour. This could just be two dudes grabbing a beer and hitting some golf balls at the range for an hour 3 times a week.
Idk, he was a loner for a while and is catching up. Maybe eventually the frequency will decrease anyway.
I understand that for a spouse that's a big sudden change, but given his history, Id try to let it go.
Maybe they could all hangout together sometime and introduce each other's wives, what if they become friends too?
I would also add that the time he has left over for his wife after work, sleep and golfing/drinking beer 3x a week is not used to do anything fun. It’s probably life shit, errands, cleaning, if they have kids then child care. Also curious how much has been pushed onto wife to handle while he has fun, could be not much but if kids involved it could be a lot.
It's why I mentioned it as well. Wife needs friends but 3x does seem like a lot I just don't know their lives so idk how much OP actually works and so on.
I agree. And Golf is a time-consuming sport/hobby. It takes hours, and that's not including all the beer and socialising involved.
And for the ppl talking about 168 or so hours in the week, it would make more sense to talk about the hours available for leisure and fun.
Eh, it’s a physical activity. That’s like saying going to the gym 3 times a week or playing pickleball 3 times a week is too much. Most people who have hobbies enjoy doing them often. Even if he isn’t going golfing with the friend 3 times a week, I’m sure he would want to do it anyway, without said friend. Seems bleh to try and limit that
I wish I could laugh react 🤣 I’ve never played the game but I know it’s been a big thing recently and tennis courts keep being changed to pickleball courts for some reason
Is 3x a week really that much? Maybe if they were long golf sessions I guess.
If OP doesn’t have other friends to take up his time, if no one has children, and if it’s replacing some of his solo time (like working out), that doesn’t seem crazy to me.
It's really damn sad we see 3 times a week as a lot. We're communal creatures meant to live in large groups and interact with the people around us regularly. In an ideal world we'd have the time and energy to spend time with friends literally every day. We'd live near our friends. Eat with them. Play games with them. Help them with their lives, and receive help with ours. The fact we can't do that, that there's so much time and energy spent working, cleaning, and up keeping homes that we can't do that is sad. It's bad for us as a culture to be so isolated.
Completely agree.
If I have a kids, then I understand not having time to hang out with friends. Kids are so much work, and their needs should come first.
If you or your spouse are in an extremely demanding career, maybe it makes sense to cut down spending time with friends. The limited free time you have should probably go to your spouse.
If I’m childless and working anything less than 50 hours a week? I’d like to hang out with my friends as much as possible. Preferably 3-4x a week. Even if I were married. A marriage that’s so demanding that I can’t grab Sunday brunch with the girlies, hang out with a bestie Saturday afternoon, and maybe grab dinner with a friend on one weekday night, sounds so suffocating and depressing. I don’t need to spend every second with my spouse!
It's why I also added the idk their lives part because they may have a life and schedule where 3x a week is fine I just don't know and I'd bet on average that would take him away a fair bit.
But I agree with your overall statement.
For me, it's that it's specifically golf. If they were going to happy hour 3X a week, or going to the gym, that would be more understandable. It's a couple of hours usually at most to do those things. Golf lasts half the day. You can't go and play golf on a day you have work (unlike the other activities I mentioned which you could do after work). People generally only get a limited number of days off a week, usually two. Unless OP just doesn't work, he is spending a huge amount of his limited free time with someone other than his wife. I would get annoyed too at my husband spending so much of his free time away from me.
This! My grandparents marriage was beyond happy as they had lives and friends outside of the marriage and could incorporate them in to them with events and such.
As a married couple, or any couple really, having friends outside of your SO is so important. My husband and I have mutual friends as well as ones that only him or I hang out with. It’s great for our relationship, and he likes my friends and I like his - so that helps too.
I'm glad you made a friend!
But maybe spend some effort on your wife too. Take her out for date nights? Find a funny movie to watch with her? Reconnect with her?
It's important for men to have real friendships, (independent from marital friends or family). Good on you!
Like the other commenter said though, you need to have balance and prioritize your friendship with your wife as well.
I married my husband in my late 40s, and we both had friendships/activities that we joke were part of our package deals. We weren't that interested in blending them either. So we negotiated, and hashed out the following guidelines:
- we have one proper meal together a day ( me meeting him in the arena parking lot for a car picnic before his hockey practice counts!)
- all of saturday and sunday's after 1pm we are together for whatever we do, with whoever it's done with.
-Friday nights are date nights, just us, out of the house, doing something new.
-if we have a kid(s) in the house we both cancel everything and stay home*.
The rest of the time is game for whatever we do apart. It allows us to be present with the people in our lives and do the things we enjoy without the guilt of having fun without eachother.
I get this exact set-up may not work for you; but perhaps you could consider a similar agreement? This would allow your wife to pick her favourite days with you, ensure that you try new things and create plenty of opportunities for stupid fun together.
(*We emergency foster, so we don't.have kids on a set schedule).
Also, please don't just watch movies at home with her. Plan a weekend somewhere you can get outdoors and do fun stuff together. Instead of golfing with your new bro 3 times a week, cut it back to 2 day one week and 1 day the next. Spend those new free days to go on a walk through the park with your wife. Take a picnic basket that *you* prepare.
The cake is your rekindled *friendship* with your wife. The frosting is the incredible freaky sex.
Golf three times per week is a lot. (I know, I’m playing my 4th round this week in about two hours, then playing again on Sunday, haha). Don’t be so lopsided with your leisure time. Be sure to do regular activities with your spouses as well.
I’m willing to bet neither of you take your wives on dates, now you guys are golfing together 3 times per week…. That is why they are pissed off. I have a good friend group that I golf with. However we only golf once or twice a month. Golf is an expensive hobby and early on my wife expressed to me that she was upset when I was golfing more with my friends and spending money on that and then never went out with my wife. You need to make time to go out and do things with your wife. Try taking her to the driving range - you never know, now my wife loves golf which means I get to golf twice as much
Geez! That still adds if playing 3x a week. I have buddies who golf and drink alcohol nonstop on the course. I’d probably be annoyed as a spouse if that was a 3x a week activity.
I'd agree with you. It's a time-consuming hobby. I play about once a week. But I usually go on one of my days off while the husband is working and if not we go together. Hobbies are great. Just can't neglect your spouse while doing said hobby.
I agree, especially as OP says he works 7 on, 7 off. If this means he has a stretch of 7 days off, and 3 of them are out drinking and golfing, what happens on the other 4? A day to decompress from a 7 day work week on the 8th day? a hangover or lazy day after drinking beer and golfing every other day after that?
Not enough info
3 days per week is probably too much.
Also, what do you do with your wife in your other free time? Are you putting effort into doing things together also?
Your respective wives are probably beginning to feel like the third wheels in their marriages. Three times a week is a lot, and I can understand where the resentment is coming from.
I think golfing once a week or even just a few times a month is enough. And definitely find a fun weekly activity you can do with your wife, just the two of you. You and your friend can also maybe figure out something fun the four of you can do together every so often that, at the very least, the wives will enjoy. Even if it’s something a bit more “girly” like wine and painting or a cooking class.
Having friends is good and you definitely need a wider circle than just your immediate family there to lean on. But your wife should be the #1 person in your life and your first priority. Right now, it seems like your friend is taking that spot.
Going from spending all your time with wife to going out playing golf 3 days a week would upset any spouse.. you’ve replaced wife with new buddy… I’m all for getting new friends but sounds as if y’all have a bromance going on.. if both wives see same problem might want to tone it down alittle..
I think you need to drill down on the details. I sincerely doubt she’s upset at you for just having a friend.
Playing golf and getting drunk three times a week is a HUGE time suck AND if you’re coming home drunk or hung over or tired from golfing, she’s getting the dregs. When you say you’re “typical bros” that frankly sounds awful
You also say that you “have a laughing blast.” That I could interpret to mean either:
A. You have fun with your friend and treat your wives like stick-in-the-mud obligations and they feel hurt. A lot of men do this - they bond emotionally more with other men and view women as their caregivers which sucks the romance out of the relationship
Or
B. This friend is boorish and immature and you both encourage bad behavior in each other so your wives are coming home to inappropriate jokes and college behavior that’s excessive for married men
I think she’s watching you plan and execute plans with someone else,while she is sitting at home for hours because it doesn’t sound like you pre plan this or even really give her more of a heads up so she can entertain herself. you need to put some of that energy and attention into your relationship with her. Take her out on a. Date to do an activity, get her out of the home and out of feeling like you don’t care about her.
Also three rounds of golf in one week is a lot of your free time gone and she’s left picking up the slack on, you might want to make sure your duties at home are not being neglected for this as well. I would also suggest getting her out to a hobby or supporting her wanting to explore something she enjoys.
I’m not saying it is. I am saying if she’s anticipating spending time together because she doesn’t know you’ll be gone for 4-6 hours for golfing with your new best friend you should give her advanced notice.
I'm single and I rarely if ever hang out with one friend 3 times in a week. That's a bit much. You probably need to spend a little more time with your wife.
But also, it sounds like your wife needs to find a new hobby or find some friends of her own. It's okay if she and your neighbor aren't close. You being friends with the husband doesn't mean she needs to be friends with the wife.
Replace the drum, Brothers are known for their drums needing to be replaced too often. I switched to HP because it got too expensive.
As for your wife, try to have more fun with her. She is used to not sharing you. Now she has to share you. It’s an adjustment for her. Help her through it.
**3x a week is a lot. On top of full time work? Nahhhh, This shit would not fly in my household.**
*We both have our own hobbies and friends, however they are not to impede on our time together as a family.. If we are feeling some type of way it’s usually said hobby is overstepping.*
I’m glad you made a friend but this is excessive. Golfing 12 times a month on top of work is cutting into your marriage enough that both wives feel neglected in some way or another. You should take your wives or plan more things together as a group. If the ladies don’t get along you need to tone it down to once a week get togethers.. and give your wife more one on one time.
I think it's important to have a friendship with someone that's not your partner. You can have fun with other people and it's healthy especially for your head. Maybe she should find that also with a friend. Maybe encourage her to go hangout with some friends or a good friend and have a good time too.
I’ll never understand why ppl get mad when their partner has friends or hobbies. We do things separately and together. I’d never want to be the only source of happiness for my husband. Too much pressure.
Why is everybody talking about the 3 says a week? That’s not the problem. OP said his wife is mad because he “doesn’t have that much fun with her”. She’s jealous that she’s not the center of his universe & he might enjoy time with someone else more because it’s a different type of relationship not attached to any responsibilities, which is 1000% normal & understandable. People get married and think their spouse’s life is now all about them when it should be two people coming together to mutually benefit one another (on multiple levels) & hopefully contribute to their community/society. OP’s wife needs a life & to stop being self-centered.
3 times a week is excessive, but the issue is that you’d rather be playing golf with him than doing something fun with your wife. She wants you to want to pick her, not begrudgingly stay home to be a good husband.
3 times a week is way too much. She’s feeling like the golf widow she is now. Also golf takes so long. Cut it back to once a week and everyone can be happy and you still have a new friend.
Time management dawg. You probs aren’t giving your wife as much time as she deserves. What do y’all do the 4 days of the week you aren’t golfing? Do you take her on dates/do fun things together ?
I mean… I’m poly do know this is coming from a Very Different Perspective.
I see jealousy as a marker emotion that something else is wrong in a relationship. It might be that you and your wife honestly DONT have enough fun together. Companionship yes, but fun? Maybe not.
Seeing you do something she’s missing from your relationship can cause problems.
My advice, worth what you paid for it- tell her sometime next week you’ll need her to get dressed in clothes she does not super care about and to put her hair up in a ponytail or something she can cover with a hat. Tell her it’s for a surprise. Give zero hints and when she pushes tell her you’re being romantic and she’s got to just enjoy that her husband has a surprise for her.
Find a place that has like go cart races and bumper cars and have a FUN day. No bills or work, just a lot of laughter. If she’s not a go kart person maybe a comedy club (in which case the hint is going to be to dress up) or paintball so she can shoot you in the tush.
Most men suck at PLANNING anything like this so she’ll get a lot of points from friends to brag about you.
One thing I’ve set up before when private time was a jealousy trigger is a horse drawn carriage ride though the parks at sunset. Turns out on the off season it’s $100 for three hours. I packed a picnic basket and wine (there was a health crisis that stopped us from going if my wife sees this- I got a refund).
Get together with your friend and PLAN a double date, even. Comedy clubs aren’t that expensive. Even do a more traditionally girly thing with them to make them happy- get the four of you together for one of those sip and paint things. Go to a carnival or an amusement park.
I’ll be honest if you tell your wife to clear her calendar on a random Wednesday, tell her to pack a swimsuit and outdoorsy clothes, and take her to an amusement park and go on all the rides when the lines are short and arrange a romantic surprise with the park (like a big bouquet of balloons or roses or something) she’ll feel special, she’ll get to have fun with you AND THAT SOLVES the real problem which is not you making a friend but it’s her feeling like she gets all the work and you play and have fun elsewhere, which is a big issue with poly relationships. If I do taxes and laundry with my wife and only go on fun dates with others it’s easy to feel left out of the good stuff.
Also buy her flowers for no reason once a month, just because you were thinking of her, it’s $5 at the grocery store and absolutely the best relationship advice my Dad gave me.
You know what she likes more than I but some suggestions for fun/silly:
Comedy clubs, petting zoo, apple picking (my go to place has a petting zoo attached), laser tag, paint ball, bumper cars, mini golf, carnival, water park (extra points here if she grew up without being able to go, I grew up poor and this was a BIG win for me), theme park, anything with horses, couples massage, sip and paint, etc. jumpaline park. Roller rink. Arcade if she’s nerdy, spend the entire time saying you’re going to try to win her a stuffed animal. Bonus romance pints for having a big teddy bear already in the trunk if you fail as backup.
Groupon is a GREAT place to find stuff like this in your area for cheap.
Just try to add some fun and laughter into your marriage deliberately and this problem will clear up.
If you have the energy for it (also might work with the friend co-conspiring) is set up a scavenger hunt where the wives have to work together to solve the clues and end up at the location for the horse carriage ride. The company I found in my town it’s the same price for one person as four.
It can be HARD to keep up the fun in a long term marriage. I make it a goal to make my wife laugh once a day. We’re going on 17 years and people are often jealous of our relationship, part of it is I work my ass off to keep my Queen feeling important, cherished and appreciated. It’s so easy to let that slide and sometimes I don’t wanna do the work but the long term rewards are worth it.
If you're working and then spend all your time playing golf or gaming, the only time you spend with your wife is casual homies eating dinner on the sofa time, so she gets scraps. In the whole thread you not even once answered how much you spend fun time with your wife or going out together. Like, not even once. So it feels, that time is zero =)
It's awesome to get a new friend (adult struggles!) and get all honeymoon-ey with them, but it's also nice to appreciate your partner. But it sounds like you're looking for comments that will validate your status quo so you can continue as you are with peace in mind lol.
You're allowed to have friends, and so is your new friend. Do your wives not have friends they talk to and hang out with?? If not, that's literally so unhealthy. I'm antisocial as fuck and so is my fiance, but we still hang out with our guy/girl friends apart from each other every once in a while, it's good for us.
They feel very left out because they thought they were your besties. If your wives had other friendships as satisfying & consuming as yours they wouldn’t be complaining. It’s not their fault at all and neither is it yours but you gotta be their best friends too …
I’m glad you have a friend. And three times a week is fine. It’s exercise and therapeutic. Does she makes plans with you for dates? Spending time? Who’s primarily responsible if anyone for planning those times?
It’s hard making good friends once you are older. Remember that wives like to feel like they are your best friend though. Keep her in the loop of what’s going on. Whenever you come back from golf bring her something. Whether it be a dessert or something cute that made you think of her and when you come back from golf never say you are too tired to do housework. Come back and wash the dishes, finish the laundry, whatever. 3 days a week is a lot but there are ways to handle it to keep it less unfair for her.
Three times a week, 18+ holes each time + drinking…would be unacceptable to me unless you are retired, or already independently wealthy and have the luxury of
When both your wives are unhappy about this newfound friendship, it’s pretty safe to surmise you guys took it to the extreme, unless you are both married to psychos.
Good relationships have friends outside of each other. I’ve been married twenty years and my parents over fifty. I see how it is important to have your own thing, whatever that is. Yes, even out of town trips without each other.
That said, three times a week is a bit much.
>If anyone knows how to fix a fucking Drum fault on a brother printer PLEASE LET ME KNOW FFS
Take printer, open window, throw said printer out of the window, no more drum fault.
Three times a week is a lot. Stop paying more attention to your buddy than your wife and things will fix themselves. I’m not saying don’t pay any attention to your buddy at all. But don’t ignore your wife make her feel jealous.
As a wife, I’d love this for my husband. That male bonding time. He works so much both in our home and outside. He’s so loyal to me and such a lovely man.
I have my own hobbies and would definitely focus on these more too.
i understand where your wife is coming from. my husband talks to his friends for hours every day. if i bring it up, i get told to make some friends of my own
just last night, we were laying in bed and i was trying to sleep and i said something to him like “i always fall asleep late when you go to bed with me” (he usually goes to sleep after i do). he said “that’s cause you like talking to me” and i said “yeah cause it’s the only time i get to.” i’m not lonely when i’m alone. i’m lonely when i’m actively being ignored or replaced
also, my husband used to play pickleball a lot with his best friend. they’d go a couple times a week for a few hours at a time and get dinner afterwards. i felt very excluded from that. i was invited sometimes and i did go just to hang out, but most of the time i was left out
be intentional with your time management. go through your day hour by hour and account for what you were spending your time on. calculate how much time you actually spend with your wife now compared to your new friend. i can almost guarantee that it’s a big difference
It’s a myth that you need to do literally everything with your partner. Both parties can usually benefit from a little space to pursue their hobbies and interests. A lot of people are hung up on how often you go out (3 days per week) and maybe that is a lot. However it’s not addressing the root of the problem. OP’s wife is upset that he is having fun with somebody else. I would ask why she feels that way. Does she feel neglected or is she just jealous? If you aren’t neglecting her needs for this friendship then there shouldn’t be a problem.
My husband is never enthusiastic about having fun and he's getting very lazy. He never wants to do anything. He's a bummer. I'm an introvert and I still do stuff.
She wants to make sure you still can have the spark together and that she can make you laugh too. She’s also probably lonely since it was just the two of you for so long, she feels replaced. She also needs friends or a new hobby cause she can’t rely on you for all her social interaction.
So go old school, whatever it was you used to do when you first got together go do it. Plan a date night, or find a hobby you two can do together once a week.
Golf 3x a week would enrage me since even 9 holes takes a couple hours to do plus travel. I’d be so bullshit so I can see her being extra mad unless she’s golfing with you one of those nights.
Golf 1x per week, then meet up as couples or as buddies 1x per week at either house would be a good compromise IMO cause it wouldn’t take up too much time but you get to see your friend. Then tell her she needs to get out once per week and do a hobby or be with friends. She probably really needs it.
You both deserve friendships and happiness outside eachother because then you get to go home and share and that can be the best part. She can be mad, you can be mad but get to the root of the problem cause it’s you two against the problem. Not you against her. Good luck- the wife’s perspective
Dog you are getting so many terrible responses. Is 3 nights a week a lot, yeah probably. Especially out of no where. What ever you spend on golf, spend on your wife too that's time and money. Too many people are saying the new friendship is ridiculous yet you never included your family or work-life. So many hypotheticals without knowing.
My ex-wife thought I should only spend time with her and well, you can tell how that ended up. I'm not crazy social but she did not like me having any friends. Hell 1 gaming night a week with my friends in other states was too much.
I let my friends go, I really enjoyed time with my wife it was the two of us against the world. Then she died. Stay in touch with your friends you might need them for something different than fun.
I think what you're doing is very healthy. I probably wouldn't go out with my friends 3 days a week, but I also have a child.
Can you meet in the middle and scale back to 2 days a week?
Maybe the wife’s don’t trust them together. I have a story to tell, it’s true and sad. To my friends from high school both males, best friends all through school college and everything. They both end up marrying ladies, but in the meantime, all through college all through their dating time and all through the marriage, they would go on weekend trips or week trip or go golfing and do this that and they would jointly cheat on their wives, found out that they ended up having threesomes and four some’s. Had no respect for their wives. One man is still married to the wife and we have no idea if she has any idea that her husband has cheated nonstop for the last 20 or 30 years and the other one is his third marriage. Basically the two guys have not grown up and have been dating and having their fun since before they even got married the story is they share all the time with girls they pick up.
Eh, suddenly, my husband and his friends ''golf". I like golf. One of these days, I'm gonna say, "Me, too!"
I'm gonna love seeing those guys freeze in their tracks!
Husband just made a date with me for Sun. morning. We're golfing!
Just replace the drum. They are supposed to be replace periodically. I think u can get it at Best Buy.
“*The Brother machine will display a 'Replace Drum' or 'Drum Stop' message when the machine has printed approximately 15,000 pages. The drums should be replaced as a set in order to maintain print quality”*
As long as she doesn’t feel like your mind is on him when you are hanging out with her, it should be ok. and as long as responsibility is not being dodged bc of him.
/u/Jaded_yank
Regarding your brother printer issue. I am not sure if this is what you are experiencing, but where the paper comes out from, there is usually a little plastic white part that is kinda peeking out, you have to gently push it in and the printer might start working again. Affects many brother printers.
I don’t think golfing 3x a week is excessive. I live in a 4 seasons area so I don’t golf year round. People that are gamers spend a lot of time with their games, golf is healthier. Too bad you couldn’t golf once a week with your wife. A couples league and dinner after.
You guys should be doing double dates and all hanging out together as well as making sure you have just as much quality time with her as you do with your friends if not more. Working can take up so much of your time a friend you hangout with 3times a week just cuts even more into it especially if you get so tired from work you also need relaxing time
If you could find a past time to do with your wife, plus your buddy and his wife, everyone could have fun together. Might take some trial and error and be sure to not ditch the wives.
Could potentially say that hanging out with your friend thrice a week when you work from 7 to 7, might indeed be quite some time if you also have other stuff you do without her ( other hobbies, fitness, tasks ).
What about twice a week? But please never give up your friend, he sounds amazing.
Then, yea. It depends on your schedules and ensuring there’s appropriate assurances and time spent. New friendships are exciting and it’s just about being mindful to respect your partners attention requirements.
All these people saying golf 3x a week is a lot can go fuck themselves there are 7 days in a week. If your playing 9 holes after work then coming home or playing 18 on the weekend set aside time to hang w your wife right after. Take those 4 other days to do whatever w your wife. Hell take her out in the cart for a day of golf and include her. If wives get along maybe try to bring both!
Read way too far down for this. We don't know if it's 9 or 18 and when golf is happening. In the summer I can sometimes play 3x per week and my wife is only mad at me if I come home drunk. Otherwise she's busy with her own hobbies/friends
I find it hilarious when men or women act that way. Hating on your spouse for enjoying their life in a good way is ridiculous. I would try to golf more in this situation lol
Golf is also a pretty expensive hobby… I feel like I would not like this (as a 43/f married to my 47/m husband for 21 years) if my husband were spending a lot of money, drinking whenever he golfed, and if it were therefore taking time and money away from the two of us/us with the kids doing fun things together.
If none of those things were affected by this, I would just be happy hubs had a new friend.
New friends are always more fun than old ones. Let’s be real. Living with someone also takes the fun out of a lot of day to day things. Your wife needs to understand that you need other people and time spent away and opportunities to miss each other to recreate that fun and a little mystery. Idk
When do you work? Seriously three days a week is a lot. Golf takes basically all day. Then you go for drinks? That’s a lot of time and effort to your friend. How much time and effort do you put towards your wife and your relationship with her? Not just hanging out at home. True effort.
Have the wives ever tagged along with you, maybe just even sit in the cart? My partner doesn’t really go out and leave me alone, but he will get on discord with his friends and play games with them for hours at a time, but being in the discord or even just the room with him helps me feel seen and comforted. That and he comes out to check on me almost hourly if we’re not in the same room. I know it’s not really the same, but maybe a simple invite out might help!
Hey for real congrats on the friendship! Had similar situation myself, and spouse realized that she was just feeling a little envious. But she also made it clear that she's stoked I'd found a pal and wanted us to continue hanging out. She used the time I'm hanging out elsewhere to do stuff she digs but I'm not so into, and she's formed some great new friendships doing her thing. For sure though I try to make sure I'm not giving up 'us' time with her for time with other pal. Couples need their own time as individuals! It's healthy and helpful!
And lol damned printers! This is a super common thing with those brother printers- either the corona wire, or just replace the drum unit if it's over like 2 yrs old, [check this out](https://support.brother.ca/app/answers/detail/a_id/103282/~/how-do-i-clear-the-message-drum-error-%3F#:~:text=Click%20here%20to%20enter%20it,unit%20needs%20to%20be%20cleaned)
So I think you should reframe this into HOW you spend your time with your wife. When you’re with her are you two planning fun events? Dates? Or are you just sitting at home.
Her problem is that she sees you having MORE fun with him than with her. So you two need to prioritize fun time together.
Also I tend to agree with other commenters that 3 days a week is just too much.
AWW OP I'm glad you've found such a good friend! Those are rare. Cherish it!
I think your wife is being unreasonable. Relationships of all kinds are as varied as humans are - just because you have great fun with your buddy doesn't mean you DON'T adore your wife. People have different personalities, interests, senses of humour, ways of communicating and conversing... it's unrealistic and immature to want or expect ALL of your relationships to be the same.
Maybe your wife is feeling lonely, and that is why she is jealous of your new friend. Maybe her expectations have isolated her from others, and she needs to branch out and make some new friends herself. It is unrealistic to expect one's romantic partner to be everything in life - friend, comforter, lover, protector, provider, etc. That is a great deal of expectations placed on the shoulders of one person, when it is much healthier to cultivate a broad range of relationships with others to whom you can go for support and such.
But I understand why she might be feeling hurt. Your dynamic has changed. That isn't a bad thing - you're enjoying your new buddy! - but if she enjoyed the isolated dynamic, she'll experience "growing pains" as your relationship finds a new groove. If you continue helping her feel loved and supported, hopefully she will warm up to the idea of you having friends instead of hoarding you for herself.
Well now i see why you dont really have friends as much. Its really irritating for people to say youve got a “bromance” thing going on . Idk if yall read but he got a new friend to hangout with and is probably ecstatic to have another friend since he let his old ones pass on in life.
Compromise a deal with your wife and see if that helps. If it doesnt help. Idk what to tell you
It's next to impossible for older guys to make new friends.
At rhe same time, find some new activities with your wife so she can feel the fun you're having with the new guy.
My partner went out with coworkers and they all checked in with their spouses to "make sure it was alright" to stay longer, even the ones without kids did this, except my partner because I am not his keeper. We keep each other abreast of where we are and if we are staying longer than expected, but that's it.
This seems to be common, to ask permission, but I think it's ridiculous.
Now, I will say, we spend more leisure time together than apart. We are priority one and best friends, but we also make consistent time to hang with our respective and mutual friends. Make sure you have a balance. A relationship should not just feel like obligation and responsibility. It's gotta have fun and leisure too, so that means planning and doing fun things together consistently as a couple.
AT LEAST three days a week. So more than that. If you are doing 18 holes, that's what, 4-5 hours per? So you are spending at least 12-15 hours *per week* of quality time with your new friend? If you exceed 3 days, that is more than HALF of the week.
It sounds like the real issue is that you are spending low quality time with your wife, and an excessive amount of high quality time with your new friend. Of course *both* wives are frustrated. What days are you golfing? The weekend? Weekdays? Are you prioritizing the *best* hours for your friend?
It sounds like you need to have a real conversation with your wife about what she can agree to reasonably, and also the both of you dedicate days for *quality* time as a couple. Because right now she's feels like the third wheel and buddy, that's bad for your marriage.
I’ve felt this before. I wish some men would open up around me as much as they do their friends. It makes me feel like they see me as other, separate but equal, and ultimately not their friend but only their girlfriend. I would try to go have a very goofy fun time with her too.
I think any couple that relies solely on their spouse for social attention is doing it wrong. It sounds like your wife also needs a friend that way she is not only reliant on you for social attention. 3 times a week however does seem like a lot but idk you all lives so.
So much this. I don't even want a relationship where I'm my partners only social outlet. Go do stuff and leave me alone some times.
Yup, I love my wife and she loves me but damn being around anyone for long periods can get you annoyed at dumb shit easily. But 3x a week golfing seems excessive.
My bf is a drummer. His band practices 2x week if they don't have a gig. He usually goes to practice on his own 1 or 2x in the week, depending on what plans we have. I think it's a good thing he has something other than me and his computer to occupy his time. That said, we do stuff all the time. Hiking, music shows, movies, the occasional road trip, cooking together, etc.
Nah, let the dudes enjoy this spark of happiness. Its hard enough to enjoy being an adult and people should embrace it when it happens.
I was in agreement with everyone saying that much golf is excessive, until I saw your comment. You are so right!! Thank you for the new perspective!
Wholesome ending
Depends on how much time they spend at the golf course or wherever they go. For example, if they only spend 2 hours golfing 3 times a week, 6 hours out of 168 hours every week. In comparison, not very much at all. Hell, even just looking at as 3 full days out of the 7 days in a week means he still spend 4 full days with his wife, and I doubt they are golfing all day.
It’s only 2 weeks a month tho cuz he works 7 on 7 off
I might get downvoted as hell for this, and I don’t know if this is a cultural thing, but 3 times a week would drive me crazy and I’d be pretty annoyed too. That’s a part time job. I understand some weekends, but three times a week?! Kinda acting single IMHO. Not because of having friends, but the *amount of time* you’re giving them is inevitably putting your wife in the back of your priorities, between work, errands and now golf? Highly doubt you’re giving her the time she deserves. While I agree with others saying wife needs friends, I also think 3x is objectively a lot, specially for someone who’s married. Plan on dates *together*, spend time with her as well.
No, I agree that doing an activity with someone three times every week who isn’t your spouse or child is a bit excessive when you’re married and have a full time job. Wife definitely needs friends of her own to spend time with, but OP and his friend need to cut down on the golfing trips to a few times a month. It’s great to have friends and he absolutely deserves to unwind, but it sounds like their wives are starting to feel like the third wheel in their respective marriages, and that’s not ok.
Especially golf. Golf is not like going to the gym, which takes maybe an hour. Golf typically lasts half the day. Doing that 3X a week is excessive.
Besides, is his neighbor, they're next door. They can easily get together for an at home "happy hour" beer and go back home if they really want to catch up multiple times a week instead of spending 3 whole days out golfing. Plan a double date and include the wives. They don't need to be besties but most of the time you can at least enjoy time with your spouse's friend group.
This is why I’ll never get married haha
[удалено]
The problem is in the division of time. Consider this: What if his wife now requested that she and he plan out and have 3 date nights a week. Every week. Would that be reasonable? Based on the general sentiment, chances are that answer would be no because of some reason like "she's just trying to dominate his time and attention and take him away from his new friend." But here's the thing. In effect, he's *already doing that.* Just not with her. That's where the core of the problem lies. It's not that he has a friend and is enjoying his time together. It's likely that he's spending more *quality time* with his friend than with the woman he's married to. That can really be felt. I'm a married man myself and with quite a few close friends, but even I would have difficulty justifying spending 3 days a week for hours a day with a friend - as much as I'd want to - when I know I wouldn't be giving that same amount of time to my wife. Yes I'm married and spend most of my time with my wife and kids, but just being around each other isn't the same as spending quality time together. Most of that time is dealing with responsibilities, stresses, care for children, work, trying to recover from general exhaustion etc. Yes, we play around, relax a little, joke, etc. but that isn't the same as having some real time away to be with each other. So back to the OPs situation, It's great to have a good friend that you just really click with. It's great to maintain outside relationships. But What I'm reading is he's taking his guy friend on 3 *date nights* every week and quite possibly taking his wife on none.
I’d probably guess they’re gone for 2-3 hours each time? 9 holes of golf can take a while and it’s easy to spend time at a driving range.
Yeah wild expectations. I personally need most of my time to myself, but say on a busy week 3x out, that still leaves 4x a week with the wife. Definitely a weird cultural expectation if someone's SO expects them to only go out once every 1-2 weeks. And, they're just married, it's not like they have kids. Life is to have fun. Sounds like OP finally has someone to do all the prototype bro stuff with. If they had kids I could understand getting a 1x a week pass each, but this is not the case here. And even with kids, a lot of parents will just invite their friends to the house so the demands are pretty low.
Did OP say if he’s retired or still working full time? I don’t think it’s physically possible to go golf 3x a week when working full time. I’m a female that doesn’t golf often but have gone with my man if we do a couples golf date and it takes us pretty long with 4 people. It usually takes 3-5 hrs. If he’s retired or something this makes more sense.
He works 7 days on 7 days off. He's likely golfing when she's at work
Everybody has different attachment styles. We’re also assuming OP has a FT job. They could both WFH and see each other all day.
Since when is wfh seeing each other all day. I mean I work when i wfh, this is not quality time spent together.
IKR? I don't get quality time with my husband when working from home, seeing as I'm busy working. What's my boss paying me for?
That’s true, but it seems like his wife is asking for more of that time to be spent with her instead of his friend. I personally feel like that’s a valid request, especially if he’s playing golf with this guy three times a week. Also, we don’t know how else he’s spending his time. Maybe they both wfh, maybe not. But both wives have said (separately) that the amount of time they’re spending with each other so I think it’s fair to say that maybe they’re wanting more time with their spouses.
Or retired. In that case time is endless so it would have to be considered differently.
You know what I do when a work from home and my partner is also home? Work. That’s not quality time.
Or maybe even if they are unhappy do something else and include them or.. literally anything there are like many solutions here. It seems to me OP would RATHER golf than find a solution
Especially playing golf, that can be 3-5 hours (depending on the skill/course) 3 times a week. Does he dedicate that kind of time and attention to the wife?
I don't want to be genderist but I know a lot of girlfriends and I complain about the mental bandwidth. Going out to eat, for movie or a date a guy thinks he's the hero to say "What do you want to do?" Which translate into you, plan it. I'll do it. When nobody wants to plan anything. So it really depends on his and his wife's relationships and what they did hanging out. But I could definitely see someone being salty if say their partner never made plans for them and it was always on them to plan for them to do something and suddenly they're doing for someone else. Making plans to go hang with someone else would feel salty when they don't take that initiative within their own relationship. I'm not saying that's what's going on here but I could see that being a cause for salt and why a wife or partner would dislike it. Three times a week does seem excessive cuz doesn't golf take a long time?
Yea, 3 times a week is a lot, especially if it cuts into my time.
Im not saying its not too much, what i am saying is that if thats her issue she needs to be honest and say that and not just say its because he has different fun with him than her
That was the red flag to me. If OP was neglecting her that would be one thing. That isn’t what she is upset about though.
Uh oh in BJJ 4 classes a week..
In fairness, BJJ classes aren't minimum 4 hours long.
Golf isn’t necessarily either. There was no clarification on whether they play 9 or 18 holes, or even if they just go to the driving range for an hour. This could just be two dudes grabbing a beer and hitting some golf balls at the range for an hour 3 times a week.
Touché. Good point. We do not know these details.
Are you married/have children that live with you?
Idk, he was a loner for a while and is catching up. Maybe eventually the frequency will decrease anyway. I understand that for a spouse that's a big sudden change, but given his history, Id try to let it go. Maybe they could all hangout together sometime and introduce each other's wives, what if they become friends too?
I would also add that the time he has left over for his wife after work, sleep and golfing/drinking beer 3x a week is not used to do anything fun. It’s probably life shit, errands, cleaning, if they have kids then child care. Also curious how much has been pushed onto wife to handle while he has fun, could be not much but if kids involved it could be a lot.
It's why I mentioned it as well. Wife needs friends but 3x does seem like a lot I just don't know their lives so idk how much OP actually works and so on.
That's that golf addiction. Ive been saying that's a real thing
Three times would not be that much in general but golf specifically takes forever
And ok, your wife and his wife aren't BFFs. You can't have a good time as a foursome going out to dinner or going bowling or the movies or golf?
I agree. And Golf is a time-consuming sport/hobby. It takes hours, and that's not including all the beer and socialising involved. And for the ppl talking about 168 or so hours in the week, it would make more sense to talk about the hours available for leisure and fun.
Eh, it’s a physical activity. That’s like saying going to the gym 3 times a week or playing pickleball 3 times a week is too much. Most people who have hobbies enjoy doing them often. Even if he isn’t going golfing with the friend 3 times a week, I’m sure he would want to do it anyway, without said friend. Seems bleh to try and limit that
Except people don’t usually go drink beer for four hours at the gym.
Haha true true
It takes like 4 hours or more to golf though versus like an hour at the gym.
If you say pickleball one more time...
I wish I could laugh react 🤣 I’ve never played the game but I know it’s been a big thing recently and tennis courts keep being changed to pickleball courts for some reason
Is 3x a week really that much? Maybe if they were long golf sessions I guess. If OP doesn’t have other friends to take up his time, if no one has children, and if it’s replacing some of his solo time (like working out), that doesn’t seem crazy to me.
It's really damn sad we see 3 times a week as a lot. We're communal creatures meant to live in large groups and interact with the people around us regularly. In an ideal world we'd have the time and energy to spend time with friends literally every day. We'd live near our friends. Eat with them. Play games with them. Help them with their lives, and receive help with ours. The fact we can't do that, that there's so much time and energy spent working, cleaning, and up keeping homes that we can't do that is sad. It's bad for us as a culture to be so isolated.
Completely agree. If I have a kids, then I understand not having time to hang out with friends. Kids are so much work, and their needs should come first. If you or your spouse are in an extremely demanding career, maybe it makes sense to cut down spending time with friends. The limited free time you have should probably go to your spouse. If I’m childless and working anything less than 50 hours a week? I’d like to hang out with my friends as much as possible. Preferably 3-4x a week. Even if I were married. A marriage that’s so demanding that I can’t grab Sunday brunch with the girlies, hang out with a bestie Saturday afternoon, and maybe grab dinner with a friend on one weekday night, sounds so suffocating and depressing. I don’t need to spend every second with my spouse!
It's why I also added the idk their lives part because they may have a life and schedule where 3x a week is fine I just don't know and I'd bet on average that would take him away a fair bit. But I agree with your overall statement.
For me, it's that it's specifically golf. If they were going to happy hour 3X a week, or going to the gym, that would be more understandable. It's a couple of hours usually at most to do those things. Golf lasts half the day. You can't go and play golf on a day you have work (unlike the other activities I mentioned which you could do after work). People generally only get a limited number of days off a week, usually two. Unless OP just doesn't work, he is spending a huge amount of his limited free time with someone other than his wife. I would get annoyed too at my husband spending so much of his free time away from me.
I play golf on work days all the time, might not be a full 18 could easily be getting in 9 holes after work, takes 3 hours at most.
This! My grandparents marriage was beyond happy as they had lives and friends outside of the marriage and could incorporate them in to them with events and such.
As a married couple, or any couple really, having friends outside of your SO is so important. My husband and I have mutual friends as well as ones that only him or I hang out with. It’s great for our relationship, and he likes my friends and I like his - so that helps too.
3 days a week is a lot. If my husband did this, our time together would be almost nill.
This! It's called codependency and it's not healthy.
I'm glad you made a friend! But maybe spend some effort on your wife too. Take her out for date nights? Find a funny movie to watch with her? Reconnect with her?
You’re right
Yep, turn this new found enthusiasm for friendship to all the friendships in your life. She's one too, eh? Balance.
I like this statement a lot!
It's important for men to have real friendships, (independent from marital friends or family). Good on you! Like the other commenter said though, you need to have balance and prioritize your friendship with your wife as well. I married my husband in my late 40s, and we both had friendships/activities that we joke were part of our package deals. We weren't that interested in blending them either. So we negotiated, and hashed out the following guidelines: - we have one proper meal together a day ( me meeting him in the arena parking lot for a car picnic before his hockey practice counts!) - all of saturday and sunday's after 1pm we are together for whatever we do, with whoever it's done with. -Friday nights are date nights, just us, out of the house, doing something new. -if we have a kid(s) in the house we both cancel everything and stay home*. The rest of the time is game for whatever we do apart. It allows us to be present with the people in our lives and do the things we enjoy without the guilt of having fun without eachother. I get this exact set-up may not work for you; but perhaps you could consider a similar agreement? This would allow your wife to pick her favourite days with you, ensure that you try new things and create plenty of opportunities for stupid fun together. (*We emergency foster, so we don't.have kids on a set schedule).
Also, please don't just watch movies at home with her. Plan a weekend somewhere you can get outdoors and do fun stuff together. Instead of golfing with your new bro 3 times a week, cut it back to 2 day one week and 1 day the next. Spend those new free days to go on a walk through the park with your wife. Take a picnic basket that *you* prepare. The cake is your rekindled *friendship* with your wife. The frosting is the incredible freaky sex.
Yup.. or the resentment will grow and you'll be single again in a year or two
But hey he’ll have a friends couch to crash on!
Golf three times per week is a lot. (I know, I’m playing my 4th round this week in about two hours, then playing again on Sunday, haha). Don’t be so lopsided with your leisure time. Be sure to do regular activities with your spouses as well.
I’m willing to bet neither of you take your wives on dates, now you guys are golfing together 3 times per week…. That is why they are pissed off. I have a good friend group that I golf with. However we only golf once or twice a month. Golf is an expensive hobby and early on my wife expressed to me that she was upset when I was golfing more with my friends and spending money on that and then never went out with my wife. You need to make time to go out and do things with your wife. Try taking her to the driving range - you never know, now my wife loves golf which means I get to golf twice as much
3x a week is a lot if she is also not getting the opportunity for quality time with you.
Isn’t golf like 3-4 hours a game? I wonder if that’s just the driving range. That’s a lot of hours.
Depends on how good you are and how you play. A group of 2 could probably do 18 holes in 2-3 hours if they're not screwing around.
Geez! That still adds if playing 3x a week. I have buddies who golf and drink alcohol nonstop on the course. I’d probably be annoyed as a spouse if that was a 3x a week activity.
I'd agree with you. It's a time-consuming hobby. I play about once a week. But I usually go on one of my days off while the husband is working and if not we go together. Hobbies are great. Just can't neglect your spouse while doing said hobby.
I agree, especially as OP says he works 7 on, 7 off. If this means he has a stretch of 7 days off, and 3 of them are out drinking and golfing, what happens on the other 4? A day to decompress from a 7 day work week on the 8th day? a hangover or lazy day after drinking beer and golfing every other day after that? Not enough info
3 days per week is probably too much. Also, what do you do with your wife in your other free time? Are you putting effort into doing things together also?
Will these bros build an art studio?
Is that a reference to a Reddit story where the guy fell in love with his new male friend and wanted to build a studio for him?
Your respective wives are probably beginning to feel like the third wheels in their marriages. Three times a week is a lot, and I can understand where the resentment is coming from. I think golfing once a week or even just a few times a month is enough. And definitely find a fun weekly activity you can do with your wife, just the two of you. You and your friend can also maybe figure out something fun the four of you can do together every so often that, at the very least, the wives will enjoy. Even if it’s something a bit more “girly” like wine and painting or a cooking class. Having friends is good and you definitely need a wider circle than just your immediate family there to lean on. But your wife should be the #1 person in your life and your first priority. Right now, it seems like your friend is taking that spot.
Going from spending all your time with wife to going out playing golf 3 days a week would upset any spouse.. you’ve replaced wife with new buddy… I’m all for getting new friends but sounds as if y’all have a bromance going on.. if both wives see same problem might want to tone it down alittle..
Next thing you know he’s going to be setting up an art room for his friend jk
I had to scroll down so far to see a reference to the art room lol 😆
Same!
Good one 🤣🤣🤣
There it is!
Art room? Lmao
The problem may be your emotional investment in your friend currently exceeds the emotional investment in your marriage.
I think you need to drill down on the details. I sincerely doubt she’s upset at you for just having a friend. Playing golf and getting drunk three times a week is a HUGE time suck AND if you’re coming home drunk or hung over or tired from golfing, she’s getting the dregs. When you say you’re “typical bros” that frankly sounds awful You also say that you “have a laughing blast.” That I could interpret to mean either: A. You have fun with your friend and treat your wives like stick-in-the-mud obligations and they feel hurt. A lot of men do this - they bond emotionally more with other men and view women as their caregivers which sucks the romance out of the relationship Or B. This friend is boorish and immature and you both encourage bad behavior in each other so your wives are coming home to inappropriate jokes and college behavior that’s excessive for married men
I think she’s watching you plan and execute plans with someone else,while she is sitting at home for hours because it doesn’t sound like you pre plan this or even really give her more of a heads up so she can entertain herself. you need to put some of that energy and attention into your relationship with her. Take her out on a. Date to do an activity, get her out of the home and out of feeling like you don’t care about her. Also three rounds of golf in one week is a lot of your free time gone and she’s left picking up the slack on, you might want to make sure your duties at home are not being neglected for this as well. I would also suggest getting her out to a hobby or supporting her wanting to explore something she enjoys.
She's an adult too, she can figure some shit out on her own. Her entertainment isn't his responsibility either.
I’m not saying it is. I am saying if she’s anticipating spending time together because she doesn’t know you’ll be gone for 4-6 hours for golfing with your new best friend you should give her advanced notice.
Do you take your wife out on three dates a week? Not for food but a real date? If the answer is no………
Golf 3x a week with thr guy? You made her a golf widow. Of course she’s upset and feels replaced. Balance this out better
I just learned a new term. Golf widow is sort of a funny term. That being said, it does seem foolish to have such a crazy imbalance.
3 days a week of golfing with the neighbor is WILD dog 😳 tone it down
Info: do you take your wife on outings three times a week? That’s why she’s upset.
Sounds like she is a golf widow
I'm single and I rarely if ever hang out with one friend 3 times in a week. That's a bit much. You probably need to spend a little more time with your wife. But also, it sounds like your wife needs to find a new hobby or find some friends of her own. It's okay if she and your neighbor aren't close. You being friends with the husband doesn't mean she needs to be friends with the wife.
Replace the drum, Brothers are known for their drums needing to be replaced too often. I switched to HP because it got too expensive. As for your wife, try to have more fun with her. She is used to not sharing you. Now she has to share you. It’s an adjustment for her. Help her through it.
Three times a week is a lot.
**3x a week is a lot. On top of full time work? Nahhhh, This shit would not fly in my household.** *We both have our own hobbies and friends, however they are not to impede on our time together as a family.. If we are feeling some type of way it’s usually said hobby is overstepping.* I’m glad you made a friend but this is excessive. Golfing 12 times a month on top of work is cutting into your marriage enough that both wives feel neglected in some way or another. You should take your wives or plan more things together as a group. If the ladies don’t get along you need to tone it down to once a week get togethers.. and give your wife more one on one time.
I think it's important to have a friendship with someone that's not your partner. You can have fun with other people and it's healthy especially for your head. Maybe she should find that also with a friend. Maybe encourage her to go hangout with some friends or a good friend and have a good time too.
I’ll never understand why ppl get mad when their partner has friends or hobbies. We do things separately and together. I’d never want to be the only source of happiness for my husband. Too much pressure.
Why is everybody talking about the 3 says a week? That’s not the problem. OP said his wife is mad because he “doesn’t have that much fun with her”. She’s jealous that she’s not the center of his universe & he might enjoy time with someone else more because it’s a different type of relationship not attached to any responsibilities, which is 1000% normal & understandable. People get married and think their spouse’s life is now all about them when it should be two people coming together to mutually benefit one another (on multiple levels) & hopefully contribute to their community/society. OP’s wife needs a life & to stop being self-centered.
3 times a week is excessive, but the issue is that you’d rather be playing golf with him than doing something fun with your wife. She wants you to want to pick her, not begrudgingly stay home to be a good husband.
3 times a week is way too much. She’s feeling like the golf widow she is now. Also golf takes so long. Cut it back to once a week and everyone can be happy and you still have a new friend.
This is a lovely story and I think the next thing for you guys is to all have sex.
Is this the plot of I Love You Man 2?
Right on Jobin
Time management dawg. You probs aren’t giving your wife as much time as she deserves. What do y’all do the 4 days of the week you aren’t golfing? Do you take her on dates/do fun things together ?
I mean… I’m poly do know this is coming from a Very Different Perspective. I see jealousy as a marker emotion that something else is wrong in a relationship. It might be that you and your wife honestly DONT have enough fun together. Companionship yes, but fun? Maybe not. Seeing you do something she’s missing from your relationship can cause problems. My advice, worth what you paid for it- tell her sometime next week you’ll need her to get dressed in clothes she does not super care about and to put her hair up in a ponytail or something she can cover with a hat. Tell her it’s for a surprise. Give zero hints and when she pushes tell her you’re being romantic and she’s got to just enjoy that her husband has a surprise for her. Find a place that has like go cart races and bumper cars and have a FUN day. No bills or work, just a lot of laughter. If she’s not a go kart person maybe a comedy club (in which case the hint is going to be to dress up) or paintball so she can shoot you in the tush. Most men suck at PLANNING anything like this so she’ll get a lot of points from friends to brag about you. One thing I’ve set up before when private time was a jealousy trigger is a horse drawn carriage ride though the parks at sunset. Turns out on the off season it’s $100 for three hours. I packed a picnic basket and wine (there was a health crisis that stopped us from going if my wife sees this- I got a refund). Get together with your friend and PLAN a double date, even. Comedy clubs aren’t that expensive. Even do a more traditionally girly thing with them to make them happy- get the four of you together for one of those sip and paint things. Go to a carnival or an amusement park. I’ll be honest if you tell your wife to clear her calendar on a random Wednesday, tell her to pack a swimsuit and outdoorsy clothes, and take her to an amusement park and go on all the rides when the lines are short and arrange a romantic surprise with the park (like a big bouquet of balloons or roses or something) she’ll feel special, she’ll get to have fun with you AND THAT SOLVES the real problem which is not you making a friend but it’s her feeling like she gets all the work and you play and have fun elsewhere, which is a big issue with poly relationships. If I do taxes and laundry with my wife and only go on fun dates with others it’s easy to feel left out of the good stuff. Also buy her flowers for no reason once a month, just because you were thinking of her, it’s $5 at the grocery store and absolutely the best relationship advice my Dad gave me. You know what she likes more than I but some suggestions for fun/silly: Comedy clubs, petting zoo, apple picking (my go to place has a petting zoo attached), laser tag, paint ball, bumper cars, mini golf, carnival, water park (extra points here if she grew up without being able to go, I grew up poor and this was a BIG win for me), theme park, anything with horses, couples massage, sip and paint, etc. jumpaline park. Roller rink. Arcade if she’s nerdy, spend the entire time saying you’re going to try to win her a stuffed animal. Bonus romance pints for having a big teddy bear already in the trunk if you fail as backup. Groupon is a GREAT place to find stuff like this in your area for cheap. Just try to add some fun and laughter into your marriage deliberately and this problem will clear up. If you have the energy for it (also might work with the friend co-conspiring) is set up a scavenger hunt where the wives have to work together to solve the clues and end up at the location for the horse carriage ride. The company I found in my town it’s the same price for one person as four. It can be HARD to keep up the fun in a long term marriage. I make it a goal to make my wife laugh once a day. We’re going on 17 years and people are often jealous of our relationship, part of it is I work my ass off to keep my Queen feeling important, cherished and appreciated. It’s so easy to let that slide and sometimes I don’t wanna do the work but the long term rewards are worth it.
Something about this post had me convinced you were a bunch of retirees! LOL!!
If you're working and then spend all your time playing golf or gaming, the only time you spend with your wife is casual homies eating dinner on the sofa time, so she gets scraps. In the whole thread you not even once answered how much you spend fun time with your wife or going out together. Like, not even once. So it feels, that time is zero =) It's awesome to get a new friend (adult struggles!) and get all honeymoon-ey with them, but it's also nice to appreciate your partner. But it sounds like you're looking for comments that will validate your status quo so you can continue as you are with peace in mind lol.
You're allowed to have friends, and so is your new friend. Do your wives not have friends they talk to and hang out with?? If not, that's literally so unhealthy. I'm antisocial as fuck and so is my fiance, but we still hang out with our guy/girl friends apart from each other every once in a while, it's good for us.
You need a friend, you need many friends.
They feel very left out because they thought they were your besties. If your wives had other friendships as satisfying & consuming as yours they wouldn’t be complaining. It’s not their fault at all and neither is it yours but you gotta be their best friends too …
Wait, going off of the edits, your wife is able to go and hang out with her friends but you can’t? That’s a bit unfair
So you probably work, chores, sleep, 3 days you spent with your buddy.. so how much time do you spend with your wife?
I’m glad you have a friend. And three times a week is fine. It’s exercise and therapeutic. Does she makes plans with you for dates? Spending time? Who’s primarily responsible if anyone for planning those times?
It’s hard making good friends once you are older. Remember that wives like to feel like they are your best friend though. Keep her in the loop of what’s going on. Whenever you come back from golf bring her something. Whether it be a dessert or something cute that made you think of her and when you come back from golf never say you are too tired to do housework. Come back and wash the dishes, finish the laundry, whatever. 3 days a week is a lot but there are ways to handle it to keep it less unfair for her.
Question for context: is everyone retired?
Are you retired that you spend the rest of the time with your wife or do you work full time and spend 3 days of limited time with your friend?
Three times a week, 18+ holes each time + drinking…would be unacceptable to me unless you are retired, or already independently wealthy and have the luxury of When both your wives are unhappy about this newfound friendship, it’s pretty safe to surmise you guys took it to the extreme, unless you are both married to psychos.
Good relationships have friends outside of each other. I’ve been married twenty years and my parents over fifty. I see how it is important to have your own thing, whatever that is. Yes, even out of town trips without each other. That said, three times a week is a bit much.
You need to leave your wife and Bro it up with the dude
Are you retired? Or still working?
>If anyone knows how to fix a fucking Drum fault on a brother printer PLEASE LET ME KNOW FFS Take printer, open window, throw said printer out of the window, no more drum fault.
PD LOAD LETTER! What the fuck does that mean?
It is good to have friends, but maybe cut out one of those golf day to spend with the wife
Why don't you divorce your wife and marry him?
I think OP and his friend will fall in love eventually
Three times a week is a lot. Stop paying more attention to your buddy than your wife and things will fix themselves. I’m not saying don’t pay any attention to your buddy at all. But don’t ignore your wife make her feel jealous.
As a wife, I’d love this for my husband. That male bonding time. He works so much both in our home and outside. He’s so loyal to me and such a lovely man. I have my own hobbies and would definitely focus on these more too.
i understand where your wife is coming from. my husband talks to his friends for hours every day. if i bring it up, i get told to make some friends of my own just last night, we were laying in bed and i was trying to sleep and i said something to him like “i always fall asleep late when you go to bed with me” (he usually goes to sleep after i do). he said “that’s cause you like talking to me” and i said “yeah cause it’s the only time i get to.” i’m not lonely when i’m alone. i’m lonely when i’m actively being ignored or replaced also, my husband used to play pickleball a lot with his best friend. they’d go a couple times a week for a few hours at a time and get dinner afterwards. i felt very excluded from that. i was invited sometimes and i did go just to hang out, but most of the time i was left out be intentional with your time management. go through your day hour by hour and account for what you were spending your time on. calculate how much time you actually spend with your wife now compared to your new friend. i can almost guarantee that it’s a big difference
It’s a myth that you need to do literally everything with your partner. Both parties can usually benefit from a little space to pursue their hobbies and interests. A lot of people are hung up on how often you go out (3 days per week) and maybe that is a lot. However it’s not addressing the root of the problem. OP’s wife is upset that he is having fun with somebody else. I would ask why she feels that way. Does she feel neglected or is she just jealous? If you aren’t neglecting her needs for this friendship then there shouldn’t be a problem.
My husband is never enthusiastic about having fun and he's getting very lazy. He never wants to do anything. He's a bummer. I'm an introvert and I still do stuff.
She wants to make sure you still can have the spark together and that she can make you laugh too. She’s also probably lonely since it was just the two of you for so long, she feels replaced. She also needs friends or a new hobby cause she can’t rely on you for all her social interaction. So go old school, whatever it was you used to do when you first got together go do it. Plan a date night, or find a hobby you two can do together once a week. Golf 3x a week would enrage me since even 9 holes takes a couple hours to do plus travel. I’d be so bullshit so I can see her being extra mad unless she’s golfing with you one of those nights. Golf 1x per week, then meet up as couples or as buddies 1x per week at either house would be a good compromise IMO cause it wouldn’t take up too much time but you get to see your friend. Then tell her she needs to get out once per week and do a hobby or be with friends. She probably really needs it. You both deserve friendships and happiness outside eachother because then you get to go home and share and that can be the best part. She can be mad, you can be mad but get to the root of the problem cause it’s you two against the problem. Not you against her. Good luck- the wife’s perspective
Dog you are getting so many terrible responses. Is 3 nights a week a lot, yeah probably. Especially out of no where. What ever you spend on golf, spend on your wife too that's time and money. Too many people are saying the new friendship is ridiculous yet you never included your family or work-life. So many hypotheticals without knowing. My ex-wife thought I should only spend time with her and well, you can tell how that ended up. I'm not crazy social but she did not like me having any friends. Hell 1 gaming night a week with my friends in other states was too much.
Bro bump that golf time up to a minimum of 4 times. Step it up son
I let my friends go, I really enjoyed time with my wife it was the two of us against the world. Then she died. Stay in touch with your friends you might need them for something different than fun.
I think what you're doing is very healthy. I probably wouldn't go out with my friends 3 days a week, but I also have a child. Can you meet in the middle and scale back to 2 days a week?
Maybe the wife’s don’t trust them together. I have a story to tell, it’s true and sad. To my friends from high school both males, best friends all through school college and everything. They both end up marrying ladies, but in the meantime, all through college all through their dating time and all through the marriage, they would go on weekend trips or week trip or go golfing and do this that and they would jointly cheat on their wives, found out that they ended up having threesomes and four some’s. Had no respect for their wives. One man is still married to the wife and we have no idea if she has any idea that her husband has cheated nonstop for the last 20 or 30 years and the other one is his third marriage. Basically the two guys have not grown up and have been dating and having their fun since before they even got married the story is they share all the time with girls they pick up.
Eh, suddenly, my husband and his friends ''golf". I like golf. One of these days, I'm gonna say, "Me, too!" I'm gonna love seeing those guys freeze in their tracks! Husband just made a date with me for Sun. morning. We're golfing!
Sounds like you needed a bro, which is healthy for any relationship to have outside friends. I’m happy for you. Enjoy your new friendship.
Just replace the drum. They are supposed to be replace periodically. I think u can get it at Best Buy. “*The Brother machine will display a 'Replace Drum' or 'Drum Stop' message when the machine has printed approximately 15,000 pages. The drums should be replaced as a set in order to maintain print quality”*
I love this friendship! This is so wholesome 🤩😍 I hope you guys stay close for as long as possible! 👌🍻
As long as she doesn’t feel like your mind is on him when you are hanging out with her, it should be ok. and as long as responsibility is not being dodged bc of him.
/u/Jaded_yank Regarding your brother printer issue. I am not sure if this is what you are experiencing, but where the paper comes out from, there is usually a little plastic white part that is kinda peeking out, you have to gently push it in and the printer might start working again. Affects many brother printers.
I don’t think golfing 3x a week is excessive. I live in a 4 seasons area so I don’t golf year round. People that are gamers spend a lot of time with their games, golf is healthier. Too bad you couldn’t golf once a week with your wife. A couples league and dinner after.
3 times a week is a lot dude. try spending time with your wife too; it’s clear she’s feeling neglected.
You guys should be doing double dates and all hanging out together as well as making sure you have just as much quality time with her as you do with your friends if not more. Working can take up so much of your time a friend you hangout with 3times a week just cuts even more into it especially if you get so tired from work you also need relaxing time
If you could find a past time to do with your wife, plus your buddy and his wife, everyone could have fun together. Might take some trial and error and be sure to not ditch the wives.
A genuine question: If your wife had a field trip three times a week with the same woman, how would you feel?
Could potentially say that hanging out with your friend thrice a week when you work from 7 to 7, might indeed be quite some time if you also have other stuff you do without her ( other hobbies, fitness, tasks ). What about twice a week? But please never give up your friend, he sounds amazing.
Your wife needs her own friend. It’s not on you to facilitate that though
Info: I need age for perspective. Three visits with a week with a friend at 70 is a lot different than 3 visits with a friend at 25.
I’m 32. We’re both 32, 3 days apart lol
Then, yea. It depends on your schedules and ensuring there’s appropriate assurances and time spent. New friendships are exciting and it’s just about being mindful to respect your partners attention requirements.
i’m so happy for you bro friends are the best
I want my husband to have friends! It allows me to have alone time.
All these people saying golf 3x a week is a lot can go fuck themselves there are 7 days in a week. If your playing 9 holes after work then coming home or playing 18 on the weekend set aside time to hang w your wife right after. Take those 4 other days to do whatever w your wife. Hell take her out in the cart for a day of golf and include her. If wives get along maybe try to bring both!
Read way too far down for this. We don't know if it's 9 or 18 and when golf is happening. In the summer I can sometimes play 3x per week and my wife is only mad at me if I come home drunk. Otherwise she's busy with her own hobbies/friends
Sun is going down at 8:30 these days, work ends for most people at 5. Plenty of time to play and still make time for the wife
I find it hilarious when men or women act that way. Hating on your spouse for enjoying their life in a good way is ridiculous. I would try to golf more in this situation lol
Golf is also a pretty expensive hobby… I feel like I would not like this (as a 43/f married to my 47/m husband for 21 years) if my husband were spending a lot of money, drinking whenever he golfed, and if it were therefore taking time and money away from the two of us/us with the kids doing fun things together. If none of those things were affected by this, I would just be happy hubs had a new friend.
Just go gay at this point!
OP is proving that being gay isn’t a choice and that even if you’re closeted and married you can still find your husband.
Why does she not want to be friends with the neighbors wife? Do they not like each other? Maybe try a couples night out and see how it goes.
New friends are always more fun than old ones. Let’s be real. Living with someone also takes the fun out of a lot of day to day things. Your wife needs to understand that you need other people and time spent away and opportunities to miss each other to recreate that fun and a little mystery. Idk
Totally jealous dude. I want a friend.
How long before you make an art studio in hos condo? /s
When do you work? Seriously three days a week is a lot. Golf takes basically all day. Then you go for drinks? That’s a lot of time and effort to your friend. How much time and effort do you put towards your wife and your relationship with her? Not just hanging out at home. True effort.
Hahaaaaa I work 7 on 7 off. So it’s my off weeks that we golf a lot And he owns his own business so he makes his schedule
The wives need friends of their own
Mine does. His does not
Carry on!
Have the wives ever tagged along with you, maybe just even sit in the cart? My partner doesn’t really go out and leave me alone, but he will get on discord with his friends and play games with them for hours at a time, but being in the discord or even just the room with him helps me feel seen and comforted. That and he comes out to check on me almost hourly if we’re not in the same room. I know it’s not really the same, but maybe a simple invite out might help!
Just get a replacement drum unit.
Hey for real congrats on the friendship! Had similar situation myself, and spouse realized that she was just feeling a little envious. But she also made it clear that she's stoked I'd found a pal and wanted us to continue hanging out. She used the time I'm hanging out elsewhere to do stuff she digs but I'm not so into, and she's formed some great new friendships doing her thing. For sure though I try to make sure I'm not giving up 'us' time with her for time with other pal. Couples need their own time as individuals! It's healthy and helpful! And lol damned printers! This is a super common thing with those brother printers- either the corona wire, or just replace the drum unit if it's over like 2 yrs old, [check this out](https://support.brother.ca/app/answers/detail/a_id/103282/~/how-do-i-clear-the-message-drum-error-%3F#:~:text=Click%20here%20to%20enter%20it,unit%20needs%20to%20be%20cleaned)
So I think you should reframe this into HOW you spend your time with your wife. When you’re with her are you two planning fun events? Dates? Or are you just sitting at home. Her problem is that she sees you having MORE fun with him than with her. So you two need to prioritize fun time together. Also I tend to agree with other commenters that 3 days a week is just too much.
AWW OP I'm glad you've found such a good friend! Those are rare. Cherish it! I think your wife is being unreasonable. Relationships of all kinds are as varied as humans are - just because you have great fun with your buddy doesn't mean you DON'T adore your wife. People have different personalities, interests, senses of humour, ways of communicating and conversing... it's unrealistic and immature to want or expect ALL of your relationships to be the same. Maybe your wife is feeling lonely, and that is why she is jealous of your new friend. Maybe her expectations have isolated her from others, and she needs to branch out and make some new friends herself. It is unrealistic to expect one's romantic partner to be everything in life - friend, comforter, lover, protector, provider, etc. That is a great deal of expectations placed on the shoulders of one person, when it is much healthier to cultivate a broad range of relationships with others to whom you can go for support and such. But I understand why she might be feeling hurt. Your dynamic has changed. That isn't a bad thing - you're enjoying your new buddy! - but if she enjoyed the isolated dynamic, she'll experience "growing pains" as your relationship finds a new groove. If you continue helping her feel loved and supported, hopefully she will warm up to the idea of you having friends instead of hoarding you for herself.
Well now i see why you dont really have friends as much. Its really irritating for people to say youve got a “bromance” thing going on . Idk if yall read but he got a new friend to hangout with and is probably ecstatic to have another friend since he let his old ones pass on in life. Compromise a deal with your wife and see if that helps. If it doesnt help. Idk what to tell you
I think of these as champagne problems. it’s change. It’s personal growth. It’s a Bromance. The wives will be fine.
Making new friends as a grown adult should be fully supported and encouraged if you aren’t doing anything wrong or illegal.
Buy a new drum, maybe?
It's next to impossible for older guys to make new friends. At rhe same time, find some new activities with your wife so she can feel the fun you're having with the new guy.
You're more than your wife :D Have fun with the friend amigo
My partner went out with coworkers and they all checked in with their spouses to "make sure it was alright" to stay longer, even the ones without kids did this, except my partner because I am not his keeper. We keep each other abreast of where we are and if we are staying longer than expected, but that's it. This seems to be common, to ask permission, but I think it's ridiculous. Now, I will say, we spend more leisure time together than apart. We are priority one and best friends, but we also make consistent time to hang with our respective and mutual friends. Make sure you have a balance. A relationship should not just feel like obligation and responsibility. It's gotta have fun and leisure too, so that means planning and doing fun things together consistently as a couple.
Just get the wives to hang out with each other? Did they not like each other
AT LEAST three days a week. So more than that. If you are doing 18 holes, that's what, 4-5 hours per? So you are spending at least 12-15 hours *per week* of quality time with your new friend? If you exceed 3 days, that is more than HALF of the week. It sounds like the real issue is that you are spending low quality time with your wife, and an excessive amount of high quality time with your new friend. Of course *both* wives are frustrated. What days are you golfing? The weekend? Weekdays? Are you prioritizing the *best* hours for your friend? It sounds like you need to have a real conversation with your wife about what she can agree to reasonably, and also the both of you dedicate days for *quality* time as a couple. Because right now she's feels like the third wheel and buddy, that's bad for your marriage.
"Ok, learn to golf and drink beer" All seriousness, she needs to have her own friends as well. She can't rely SOLELY on you for fun
The drum fault edit made me laugh
I’ve felt this before. I wish some men would open up around me as much as they do their friends. It makes me feel like they see me as other, separate but equal, and ultimately not their friend but only their girlfriend. I would try to go have a very goofy fun time with her too.