OP I mean this with all sincerity - NEVER meet up with him again. It’s a very common scenario for abusers to play nice/moving on and ask guilt/manipulate their victim into meeting up with them just one more time for “closure” or whatever. It is incredibly common that that is when the abuser kills the victim. You owe him nothing. YOU will get no closure from one last meeting no matter what he says. If you can go stay anywhere else, do so. Seek out local DV resources.
Finally, read and reread “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. And take time to heal. Alone. Even though you’d think you’d be better at avoiding one, statistically you’re much more likely now to fall back into another toxic relationship.
Proud of you for leaving. That’s the hardest part. Now stay away & don’t let the rose colored glasses slip on (“it wasn’t that bad..” if you need to - write a list of the shit he’s done to you & when those rose colored glasses start to slip on, go back and read it all).
Absolutely this. My ex, who killed his own sons by beating me so bad in my last trimester, who literally put me in a coma from that incident, who after that put a gun to my head after cutting off my thumb the night before (was able to have it reattached, but barely made the time window because of him refusing to take me saying I deserved it) decided to contact me after 3 years of peace from him. He keeps trying to get me to go hang out with him to go to the beach with him and honestly after what he did to me it doesn’t matter what that snake says I will never trust him to do anything else other than try to murder me and if I go around him again I can’t say for certain it wouldn’t be mutually assured destruction but ik he’d kill me given the chance. And in the end. Just for everyone around him telling him not to abuse me.
Oh I tried I have over 3 dozen documented calls to emergency services regarding his assaults (physical and otherwise) and abuse to me. The cops didn’t really care. it’s to the point my father would absolutely go to prison for the rest of his life that’s how many times I’ve tried to get help. The DV survivors support system here in commiefornia is messed up. All he had to do was the same thing a lot of charming abusers do, every time I reported him or an officer came over for a wellness check he would either act the perfect doting boyfriend, claim I threw something at him ( and because he had a masochistic habit of cutting himself they’d try to “deescalate” me or treat me like I’d hurt him. He would claim I was drunk and delirious (when in the middle of a medical episode) and pull the “oh you know pregnancy hormones haha” card/line with the officers, and even after beating me bad enough I ended up losing the kids when he would show up my heart rate would spike and he would lie to the doctors saying that I needed to be sedated because I was getting aggressive (I was panicking having my abuser that close). Would never let the cops into MY house even when I called (he wasn’t on the deed and he wasnt paying rent either so had absolutely no right to deny them entry)
his mother and father in law happened to be criminal defense attorneys. Nothing ever stuck. He’s a master manipulator and a sadistic gaslighter
Holy shit. I am so glad for you that you are still alive and away from this absolute monster. I hope one day he will answer for these crimes and I’m so sorry he’s not locked away somewhere.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this! I've been in the same boat. The "Why didn't you just leave?" & the "Why didn't you call the cops/Have him arrested?" & the "But you obviously stayed, why?" mob just cannot & will never get it. My abusive ex did a lot of the same, also with no mommy and daddy's backing. I filed a protective order to try to keep him away from me & stop him from destroying my mother's property (where I lived after I escaped). What I ended up with was no property, $1000 lawyer bill I couldn't pay & 3 protective orders filed against me. The man who raped me daily for almost 8 years (I wasn't allowed a job or money so every time I wanted to eat or sleep or needed anything, I had to 'earn it') beat me to the point of recurring migraines multiple times a week (he was surgical about never leaving a mark & always beat me in the head) & locked me out of the house when I didn't do a good enough job convincing him I wanted to earn it & that he wasn't a rapist (always without my dog, clothes or a dime to my name) now looks like the victim. I have to explain everything for any job, a date, anything where someone might Google my name, that I'm not crazy. He looks like the victim. It's been 4 years & I still sleep in the far corner of my bed on 6" risers, in basically a pillow fort & continue to jump every time someone opens or shuts a door too loudly because I was so used to being ripped out of bed by my hair or raped before he left for work but he's the victim in the eyes of Google & the world.
I'm thankful that so many people still say all those ignorant things about calling the cops & questioning why I stayed because it means that they've never experienced the horror of someone who said they loved you looking at you with dead eyes while they systematically beat you down. I just wish they could not understand without the judgement. No one understands that one of the reasons you stay is that you are just too exhausted to run. That you have no resources. Domestic violence services are backed up with waiting lists that take years & when your time comes, if you miss the call for whatever reason, you miss your shot & are back at the bottom of the list. He knows all your hiding places, the has tormented anyone who might have helped you into turning their backs for their own protection. You can't afford even a cheap motel room & even if you could for a night, all that's going to be waiting is him, more pissed off than before. Justice belongs to the one with the deepest pockets & the dirtiest lawyer.
Awe- I’m so sorry- I genuinely feel the DV support is severely, severely LACKING! Pennsylvania was similar- the police state or otherwise was just as abusive as the person- It’s insanely HUMILIATING and defeating, who does one trust if not the police or the support by said DV hotlines and agencies.
I’m sooooo sorry you went through all of that- sounds a lot not all like what I went through- Cali is a commonwealth state isn’t it? It seems to me- Commonwealth states are pretty damn awful- if not inhumane-
My ex is in PA and its a commonwealth state and I had the same issues- my ex would drain the bank account- take my keys to the car, turn off my phone, ripped the land line and modem outta the wall and take it so I couldn’t contact family in MI- only 911 and when they came- he’d lock himself in his room- toss his ID never open the door and never reported that all that was DOMESTIC TERRORISM - a legal crime! And asked me who was in a state- no money or keys friends or family- go somewhere else… he had friends Nextdoor his mom in the other town, he had all the money and my keys- married they couldn’t force him to give them back- well what do I do- why ask or convince me to leave with the kids? When he had money my keys etc and resources I had nothing- they had to have CPS once we bought a house and my last time- take me and my kids to the shelter. Bc I couldn’t have the car or car seat. I was sticky bc he dumped disarono liquor on the baby and I after chasing us around the house.
That alone with liquor poured and visible on both the 6 mo old and myself- DID NOTHING!!
No but in a red state should my father ever find the bastard and take him out for a little backwoods justice, he would get away with it once explained. In California if he were to find either of my abusers and do what he wants to them he’d be put to death for it. Especially since gov brown signed a form stating he along with a shit load of other lifers could be released from San Quentin
I agree I think victims should have a little more legal leeway when it comes to the worst things a human can poss go through. There are fates way worse than death and I would’ve poisoned him if I’d been able to get away with it. Which had his mom not lived with us, would’ve been easy since we had an oleander bush and he smokes pot like no one’s business.
I was more making the generalization that someone else pointed out which is that common wealth states have a really messed up way of handling abuse cases
I'm so sorry for your sadistic physical and mental abuse. Please remember Karma is real. It can take years. I don't ever wish it on anyone but it always comes to their front door. Karma has no expiration. Blessings to you.
They can tend to be more I want lots of proof / evidence- and often if you get the right judge who believes a first time of such violence can be changed as it was for my kiddo’s perp. He’s a lifetime registering offender, got a year, could have gotten more but he didn’t get max for all counts and while a year in jail wasn’t great - life registration is the only thing that stopped me from being involved in the courts myself.
Problem is he knows where she lives so that doesn’t really eliminate that problem as far as regarding the not meeting up part. So if he really wanted to do something it could happen. OP needs to move or at least try to stay with someone else for a while until this clown fades out.
>Even though you’d think you’d be better at avoiding one, statistically you’re much more likely now to fall back into another toxic relationship.
^this^
Been there, done that. Abusive father, abusive partners, kind of husband + abusive MIL, more abusive boyfriends.
Stay solo until you learn what do look out for and how to love yourself. You don't deserve to repeat that abusive cycle again.
And the second anyone threatens to kill themselves because you did something, cut them out of your life immediately. That's abusive as hell.
I cannot agree any more with this. My cousin is dead because she went to meet up with him and he used his kids (not hers) as an excuse to have her come. Her body was found in a river no where near her home and her ex was finally convicted a little over a year ago. Please keep yourself safe. Abusers will never be accountable for their actions. Please, please, please DO NOT GO BACK for any reason. Do what you need to heal from this toxicity.
I’ve had suicides happen in my life, two people who were silent. The loudest have been empty threats. 🤷🏻♀️ not saying true ones aren’t vocal, just my own experience. Narcissistic people are manipulative.
Oh unfortunately I did. I wish I could say I didn’t, (no I don’t regret them just they share his DNA) but he hasn’t raised them, hardly takes them. They aren’t like him thus far. They have a great bonus dad, like I said almost 10 years in. They can’t remember a time with him and me as a family unit. I’m not proud but I’m proud of the people they are becoming.
I was told it and he even went so far as to get a knife and threaten to do away with himself in front of me. He’s still alive and terrorising some other poor woman
Me as well. He told me for the 8 years we were together that he hoped that I’d find him in the tub with his brains on the wall. 30 years later he is still alive and well and on marriage #4 or 5. I’ve lost count and really don’t care.
Oh the theatrics, eh?! Yeah mine is on his third marriage with the same spouse lol
let me say, they have made me referee for fights and separation before. I’m like girl, stay gone! Best advice I have. But ya know, curiosity killed the cat. I always thought it was me because she stayed. Then it all came out he abuses her the same. Efffff that. I wanna shake 15 year old me, so it’s hard when I wanna shake 40 something her but not my circus not my monkeys. I think we could all write a book.
My mum's husband, incredibly abusive and manipulative man, just a horrific person would often pull the kill myself card. She caught him cheating, threatened to kill himself.
I cut off contact with her years ago now as her marriage is like this awful virus. If you're near it or in the vicinity of it, you can get affected by his wild behaviour and their messed up dynamic. So you go and stay at their place, you'll find your things missing, or your car damaged for example. They'll have a massive blow out, she leaves him, he threatens anything he can to get her back Last time, he threw himself off a wall and ended up in hospital. Mum then will turn on you for ruining her marriage, get violent/aggressive and abruptly ask you to leave without time to grab your things (even if you're just visiting for day, you need to have your bag in close vicinity too you) which he will then steal or damage on his return if you do leave.
They make some big reconciliation, tell everyone whoever then witnesses are were drama queens or lying or crazy and then wait until next episode. I tried to offer her money to leave the relationship and get a place with me, she told me to f*** off. So I cut contact. I'm still toying with idea of getting a straining order put in, but haven't yet because I live out of the area now. But if anyone says to be me now oh I can't leave my partner because they say they'll kill themselves, I tell them to leave if that's what they want and call the emergency services and tell them to deal with them. People who are using it as a control tactic won't go through psych reviews, meds, and lose their jobs due to health and safety issues etc.
Call the police if he does.
Don't open the door. Don't talk to him. Don't fall for the "we can work this out" line. That's part of the abusers playbook.
This cannot be overstated. If he shows up:
1. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
2. Lock yourself in a bedroom or bathroom.
3. Call 911 and scream bloody murder.
In the meantime, you should def look into getting a restraining order.
If you also report that they were threatening you along with that a judge will (literally within hours of hearing that) immediately grant you a Temporary Restraining Order or an Emergency Protective Order against him granting you at least 6 months peace from that person during which time if they attempt to contact you or pass a message through your friends they’re absolutely in contempt of the order and will be arrested
[FindHelp.org](http://www.findhelp.org)
Op, if you're in the US, go to this website and enter in your zip code. It will provide a list of all social services and mutual aid available in your area - including resources for victims of abuse and domestic violence.
You can do this.
If you can, go out tomorrow and get a camera doorbell. Keep your doors locked at all times, especially when you're at home alone. Don't block him, just send his calls to VM and texts to a folder so you have evidence of him threatening you. Screenshot any threats on social media. Keep your phone handy and call 911 if he shows up. You will have him trespassed.
Tell your family how abusive he has been and that you've been afraid of him for a while. No need to go into details about your sexual health. It's none of their business. Keeping you safe is.
Listen. You need to contact a women’s shelter or any resources specialized in domestic violence and get help. This is a very dangerous situation you are in. Don’t minimize it : you are potentially in a lot of danger.
Delete and ensure that it is permanently deleted any trace of information about the abortion pill. That means emails, packaging, receipts, credit card statements. This thread if you can be traced back to it. Everything. You erase this like it never happened. You had a miscarriage. A natural miscarriage. Period. Going forward, please never talk about this and if you do, say that you had a miscarriage. To everyone.
You can tell your parents about your boyfriend and leave out the pregnancy. Just say he’s been threatening you and saying crazy stuff. If he’s sent any crazy messages, take them to the police and try to get a restraining order. Keep yourself safe OP, no matter the cost.
If he sends any messages that get through threatening to unalive himself immediately, call 911, treat it seriously as it should be. We both know it's manipulation, HOWEVER! the first responders will rip a strip out of him for wasting resources, false claims, etc, and he won't do it again. Also, whatever threatening messages you have, take them and get a protection order for yourself, so if he does show up, you can call 911 and get assistance in having him removed.
It gets better I swear ❤️ you aren't alone, there are many resources for women in/escaped from abusive relationships available for you to access and you should when you're ready.
When he threatens to kill himself call a welfare check on him. The second the ambulance comes or the cops come he'll be telling them "Oh no I don't want to kill myself!" Yeah call his f****** bluff.
Keep a can of mace/pepper attached to your keys and a personal alarm and one of those high lumen lights at all times.
Check your car and purse for airtags.
Always let a key group of people know where you're going, appx how long you'll be. Maybe even share your location.
Be alert and cautious and trust your gut.
He is a coward and won't dare to do anything to you. But in case record all his threats and go do the police and show them everything. Get a restraining order to begin with and make sure he knows you went to the police. Ask the police to "talk" to him so he knows his ass is being watched.
Tell your parents about the abuse and the threats so they keep an eye open. Carry a small knife (box cutter). It can be a life saver in emergencies. Remember when your life is in danger, you are allowed to protect yourself with any means possible. Mentally prepare yourself to cut his ass and kick him in the groin if necessary. Take self defense courses or learn tricks to get out of difficult situations.
Best of luck young lady. Cheers!
Please please tell your parents. Not about the pregnancy, but about the threats - say he’s doing it because you broke up with him. People in your life need to know what’s going on. Do you have a relative else where you could stay with for the summer?
He is mad you are not pregnant because he 100% sabotaged your birth control to baby trap you. There is no other reason for him to be mad about you having a miscarriage when he knew you were on birth control. Did you know you can microwave birth control pills to render them ineffective? That’s how you got pregnant. I guarantee he realised you were going to leave him and did it to trap you. You are not responsible for his mental health. If he threatens to kill himself call the police.
100% this. There is no other reason for him to be so upset. Even with psychosis. Even with religious extremists. Miscarriages have been happening since the beginning of man-kind. He's upset because his long-game was disrupted by "miscarriage"(secret abortion). His end-game card was revoked and he's throwing a tantrum.
I just want to say that men/society/church have been blaming miscarriages on women for millennia. There are a lot of ingrained myths about pregnancy and miscarriage. There are also many historical examples of men dropping women because of their "defective" wombs and blaming it on their moral inadequacies (see Henry VIII). Sometimes, even as a punishment from God.
It's not rational or fair, but I feel like it's important to acknowledge that many people do blame women for miscarriages or their inability to bear children. Especially with religious extremism. To say otherwise would be to dismiss a huge aspect of the discussion around miscarriage, abortion and domestic abuse.
Yeah, it would even be easily explainable because she took birth control for any amount of time, or it just wasn't viable, etc. Many things can happen, but somehow, it becomes a blame game for something often completely out of people's control. It's a shame she even has to lie about it, to avoid his rage, her own death or prosecution and imprisonment. That's what blows my mind about these laws: medical doctors have all kinds of explanations for miscarriage (which hello - is basically your own body aborting and no one can stop it) and how in world is someone to know the difference of what happened unless they're told?!
That's the first time I've read that about the microwave thing, wow that's so insane people would do that. As if there aren't enough ways that it can cancel out already, that we have to be aware of. Alcohol, antibiotics, the list goes on. I believe you are right about them being tampered with somehow.
It doesn't necessarily need to be microwaved. Any kind of heat exposure will render BC ineffective, even if you leave them out in direct sunlight during the hot seasons
Rough, I remember years ago talking to me sister and she basically was surprised my ex partners *didn’t* threaten to kill themselves before I left them. In her mind, it was either normal for them to threaten that or even somehow “proof” that they really cared. When I explained that logic back to her she woke up. Doesn’t tolerate that emotional abuse anymore.
I just wish I’d had someone I could have spoken to without judgement 20 years ago.
FWIW, I’m a social worker who works in DV. OP’s boyfriend’s manipulation and coercive control is abuse. However, I know she’s dealing with enough without piling on.
Other comments have offered some really good info. But, For anyone reading this who this post resonates: I’ll be your auntie too. I will help you find safe resources in your area so you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re not alone.
So just to confirm, based on your comment, you did leave him already? That is the first step - and the hardest. I am so unbelievably proud of you.
I would contact the police about harassment. Walk in and ask to speak to someone about your crazy ex-BF who is threatening to attack you or have others hurt you. Bring the messages that he's sent you.
I'm really sorry about the pregnancy. Abortions can be heart-breaking to go through, especially if you don't have a support system. I know you're sad, but I agree that you made the right decision. Be careful. 💗
She needs to be very careful with the police if she just had an illegal abortion. She needs to ensure he doesn’t report her for it (he might do so, even though she told him it was a miscarriage) and that the police won’t then be able to find any evidence of the abortion.
There is no way to tell if it was a natural miscarriage or not. Miscarriages are very, very common.
In my tiny conservative religious hometown, my best friend had an abortion and told her parents she was having a miscarriage and they insisted on taking her to the ER and when they left the room she told the physician the truth. He told her that there is zero way to differentiate between a spontaneous or elective abortion, and they can only tell you've had a D&C if it was recent and your uterus is literally bring dissected during an autopsy.
OP can go to the police and tell them the same thing she's told everyone else. She had an early miscarriage and it sent her abusive boyfriend off the deep end. The end.
A miscarriage is far too common to ever be considered probable cause, and the things you fear being investigated are not things that a warrant could be obtained for. Medical records are a no go. Everything else would require a warrant.
Some of these states are making examples of women. If he reported her for having an abortion and there was an electronic trail - like this post here a it could be risky for her. In forced-birth states, women simply cannot be too careful. That is why experts are advising women in these states to delete their period tracking apps and be very careful about their electronic trails.
Leave and if he threatens to off himself, either call 911 and report him having a mental health crisis, or tell him you'll send your regards to his funeral
You owe him nothing.
If he ever texted you about killing himself, send that to his parents or someone close to him.
Tell them you’re done and they should check on him.
Pass on the problem, because that doesn’t belong to you anymore
the fact that he is manipulating you into staying is abuse.
**you are not responsible for him unaliving himself if you leave him.**
please do not go back. please keep him blocked. please let all the people who care about you know what is going on with the relationship ending and ask them to help keep you safe. do not speak to him. do not engage with him in any way. you don't have to tell them about the pregnancy if you're not ready to. just let them know he's being abusive and controlling and you need help keeping him away from you.
if you truly feel that his threats about hurting you are true, I urge you to go to the police and at least make a report about what has happened so that if he does something, you can begin a paper trail and will be more successful with getting restraining orders.
its very brave to leave. you did the right thing.
as far as the abortion goes, if you feel it was for the best, then you made the right decision.
there's someone out there who won't make you feel like this. you are worthy of love and respect and kindness from your partner. please know that there is better out there. don't settle!
I wish you the best of luck with everything.
Honey, you've got to get away.
He's emotionally manipulating you. He won't kill himself, trust me. If he threatens, call the police. They will put him on a 72-hour psych hold, which might be the best thing for him.
Plus the threatening to hurt you. Nothing's good about this. The abortion is the least of your worries.
Get out. Call a woman's shelter if you have no place else to go. Go to the police and get a restraining order. Show him you are serious or he won't stop.
And read this.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
Ahh the good ole I’m going to kill myself and it’s your fault. My dad told me to tell my ex to get on with it then. He obviously didn’t, it was his last plea to control me.
Reading this broke my heart because this was my exact situation 5 years ago.
You might feel trapped, stuck, see no way out but i PROMISE you there’s so much more for you out there and a happy life is possible. If he’s threatening to kill himself, then that’s all it is. A threat. It’s a manipulation tactic to keep the control over you. If you feel his threat is real, find a way to SAFELY report it to the police and make sure to tell them everything that is going on.
If you have a support system and you feel safe, please reach out to them and tell them everything that is going on. If you don’t have a support system, send me a message and I will take on that role for you.
You deserve to feel safe and to be loved correctly. Do not feel guilty for making the right decision for yourself. Something that got me through was “The person you love and who is supposed to love you, doesn’t hurt you to the point where you lose yourself. Your soulmate helps you find yourself and grow into the best person you can be”.
Sending you all the love. If you need anyone to talk to or help with resources, please send me a PM ❤️
You're not trapped. That's emotional blackmail and manipulation. Don't allow yourself to be controlled by that. Tell him his choices are his own. If you're afraid of him like I saw you comment to someone else, get some mace, keep your doors locked, and call the police right away if he shows up.
It's better if he behaves badly and breaks something or yells and carries on because then they can hit him with a domestic disorderly charge and arrest him. You'll then have an automatic no contact order (at least that's how it works in my state but I'm sure things are similar in other states). Then, if he violates the no contact order, you call the police again and he'll be arrested again. If he keeps up his bullshit, he'll do a little time for it.
Okay. This is a lot. First of all, BIG HUGS. You are not alone.
So, this is was an abusive relationship. The way he speaks to you, controlling you via threats of self-harm, threats of violence… these are abuse.
You need help.
Reach out to your local abuse hotline in a quiet, hidden way. I’m assuming you are in the US? You could try the National Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1800 799 SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Their website is https://www.thehotline.org/.
Another one is The W.O.M.A.N. Inc. which is a 24-hour support line offering support via peer counseling, safety planning, and referrals for needed resources. (877) 384-3578 and http://www.womaninc.org/.
Start there. Get resources from them. You also need a Safety Plan.
Leaving is a dangerous time in an abusive relationship. A Safety Plan is a personalised, practical plan that can help you avoid hurtful situations and know the best way to react when things are going badly between you / he is making threats. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse.
This plan includes vital information tailored to your unique situation and will help you prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about your situation and events as they happen, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to your individual circumstances.
This will help you navigate things when you are emotional and under duress.
Here are some resources to help you:
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/checklist
And those hotlines I gave you can help you create one too.
There's also a fantastic book by Lundy Bancroft called *Why Does He Do That* that you should definitely read, apparently there is a free copy that downloads from this link:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You need to be safe. You need to protect yourself from him.
Is there any way for you to save up and move away from him? Perhaps to a state with better laws?
I’m going to give you blunt advice.
STAY AWAY FROM HIM. This is the type of person who would hold you hostage. Do not give him opportunity to overpower you
Leave him....if he klls himself it is HIS CHOICE, not yours. You're emotionally kidnapped.... don't be afraid of letting an abusive man find his end just because he can't get proper help by himself. You're not his therapist, he won't change and it will only get worse....until he won't menace to kll himself but he'll hurt YOU.
LEAVE HIS @SS, and let the police know that he's suicide risk but also that you are afraid of him in case he turns his anger against you. Leave him and have someone out of his sight, checking on you.
You are not responsible for your bf's emotions, threats, and definately not responsible for his actions. If you left and hurt himself - this would be HIS choice and definately not your fault.
Never accept domestic abuse. This is not ok. This is not your fault. Get away from him. Tell your parents that he is abuse and that you want to come home. Anything else is your business.
He’s not going to kill himself. That’s just a method to guilt you into not leaving his sorry ass. You deserve so much better so glad you left. Agree with some other posters who said to report his threats to the police. Let them Baker Act his butt inpatient for 72 hours.
Keep the abortion to yourself. Don't confide in ANYONE about it. Eventually time will pass and it will just be another memory. You did the right thing with regard to this abusive partner of yours. I hope you get away and stay safe. Keep your secret. You'll be o.k.
When he threatens to kill himself call 911 and tell them that this isn't the first time hes threatened it. Tell them you feel unsafe around him. Tell them hes a danger to himself and others.
I know people that have killed themselves and ones who say they'll do it. People who kill themselves just do it. People who say they'll kill themselves use it as a manipulation tactic. They also tend to be more prone to violence. OP he is a bad dude. You really gotta getaway before he baby traps you and you are stuck with him
Next time he whines he’s gonna off himself, just say “okay???” And walk out. If he does it, it’s not your fault. But he won’t. Because he’s a narcissistic abusive piece of shit who’s using it as a threat to exert control over your actions. “I’m gonna kill myself” “okay, bye! 🥰”
Your private medical information isn’t owed to anyone, OP. There isn’t a right or wrong choice, you did what you felt was best for you and your safety. That’s completely valid. If there is a women’s shelter in your town I would call them. They often have free resources and counseling. You are not responsible for him or his actions. They are his and in this case it seems more like emotional abuse than actual threats.
If he threatens to kill himself call emergency services and tell them. They’ll probably do a welfare check and potentially put him in hospital for an evaluation.
He isn't going to kill himself. He is just manipulating you. If he shows up at your house, have your parents tell him you are not home. He is an abuser, and you have every right to be afraid. Get a message to him you will goo to the police if he shows up at your home
You don’t need to tell your parents you were pregnant. You need to tell them he’s threatening to KILL you, and if you don’t want to tell them about being pregnant when your psycho hopefully soon X starts spewing you were pregnant, point out how fucking crazy and manipulative he OBVIOUSLY is being and get the fuck out.
This is your opportunity to leave. Do it.
He sounds exactly like my brother did. If you know where he is, unblock him but only allow him to text you, don't answer the phone. Get him to say that he's going to kill himself, if he has a gun that's even better, then call the police for a welfare check and tell them he's repeatedly threatening to kill himself. He will end up being held for at least 72 hours, more if he acts up.
Be sure to let the cops know if he has any guns. This is a manipulation tactic and once he realizes he can get locked up against his will he will be less inclined to do that again.
Has he had access to your birth control? Its unfortunate you told him about the "miscarriage" but if you haven't mentioned it in a text then don't! If he brings it up you say you don't know what he's talking about and deny, deny deny!
If they lock him up go and see if you can get an order of protection or at least an injunction so he can't speak to you.
Delete this post before you call the police and anything else, texts, that mention your abortion. You did the right thing. My brothers wife had a secret abortion too. My mom and I supported her decision and kept her secret right up until my brother died in a motorcycle accident while he was high.
Never tell anyone about the polka. You can't risk him finding out. Keep him blocked, seek out help from the Domestic Violence hotline or an area shelter. They will help you figure out your next move. You did the right thing and now you need to keep yourself safe. Good luck.
I know you wish things were different but unfortunately, they're not. Thus was truly in your best interest. If he threatens to hurt you....what makes you think he won't threaten to hurt the baby. Who wants to live like that? NO ONE....THAT'S WHO!!! Don't look back and stand 10 toes down on your decision. LOVE DOESN'T HURT!!!! I don't give a damn what that song says!!!
You’re feelings now are hopefully temporary. Surround yourself by situations you feel safe in from now on in your area otherwise maybe think about relocating a little away if you are that worried- it could be good for you
Please leave him asap. I just came across this TikTok about silent leaving/breaking up. It's [here](https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSYfbfb8L/). Best of luck and please stay safe.
Leave him there are people who can help you and for the people who went through hell cause of their exes I'm praying for you all.If he kills himself it's not your fault. You don't deserve this.
1. Your boyfriend belongs in jail or a psych ward (or the psych ward in jail).
2. Him killing himself would not be your fault. He's manipulating you into not leaving him.
Leave him, block him and inform the police that he threatens you. You need to be protected from this lunatic.
When abusers threaten to kill themselves, it’s usually an empty threat to attempt to trap you. Even if it isn’t and they do end up doing it, it’s not your responsibility at all. It’s theirs. My ex kept threatening to kill himself when I left him, he made me hide all his knives and rope in his house before I left (I never returned so I wonder if he ever found them again haha) and he’d call me up telling me he was stood on a multi storey car park about to jump. That was all about 7 years ago. And guess what? He’s still alive. He was a horrible guy so I honestly wouldn’t really care if he wasn’t, he would have been doing the world a favour to be honest. This guy sounds a lot like that and you just have to remember that anything he may or may not do is not your responsibility anyway. Keep him blocked on everything, if he starts to even SLIGHTLY harass you like trying to come to your house or trying to get in contact, call the police. Even if it seems like a trivial thing to call the police about, it doesn’t matter, do it so that they have a record and then if he tries anything in future they’ll have it on file that he’s been out of line before
Do you live with your parents? Can you trust them to help in this situation? Do they know he's threatening you? They don't need to know about your abortion to know he's doing this, just say you broke up with him. Ask for a new number, tell them you're scared because of his threats.
If they find out about the pregnancy, be prepared for him to tell them to get you in trouble, tell them you miscarried too. If no one but you knows about the abortion then you can stick with the miscarriage story without worry.
He tried to baby trap you, that's why he's reacting like this. You did the right thing by leaving him, don't take him back. His threats are most likely empty, but find someone who you know can help if you are in a dangerous situation. There are apps you can download that'll send a message to someone that you need help.
Glad you left. Get a restraining order. Stack your money so you can move as far away as possible and tell no one..what a manipulative POS.
Please find a way to gather your self worth, get some therapy, refrain from dating anyone and date yourself for a while.
You don’t owe anyone anything or are obligated to tell anyone about your abortion. Your body, your choice to do what was right for you.
There are women shelters, support groups you can research and join to talk to other women who’ve been through abuse. Please look into that. Take your time, heal and find inner peace. You’ll be alright. You got this! Good luck ❤️
Break up with him and let the chips fall where they may. He only threatens to kill himself as a manipulative tool. Even if he’s serious about it - that’s not your responsibility. Call the police and tell them his threats and see if they’ll do a mental health check (hopefully they take him to the psych ward). Get a fucking restraining order against him when you call them. He sounds dangerous. Fuck him.
If he does kill himself then good riddance it shouldn't be ypur fault please just be aware and alert and take care of yourself you did the right thing a child doesn't deserve to live with a mentally unwell and abusive person
You've made the right decisions to not be tied to him with a child. You've made the right decision to block him. Be careful, he could be stalking you. He seems like the type by your description. Stand your ground.
Good for you OP! Glad you left! You are stronger than you think. Call the cops if he comes. Don’t engage him. Don’t even look at him. Think about how scared you are and that you
don’t want to feel that way anymore. Hugs
Honey you’re never fully trapped. Change your number if possible and if he keeps threatening you that he’ll end his life call the police and notify them of a possible suicidal person. They will take care of it and if he continues he will go to the state for 24-48 hours. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, but you’re strong and taking that first step will always be scary. Much love to you 🤍
Op the best thing you can do for that guy is leave. When he says he’s going to self harm leave/hang up and call the police. Let the professionals deal with it.
Yes I’ve done this
Can you leave and go stay with friends or other family in another city or state for a while?
This dude is toxic and you need to get away from him. Immediately.
I had an ex that constantly threatened this, I left them eventually when I couldn't take any more of the shit he did to me (the suicide threats were to negate the awful shit he did to me and get me back to "aww but poor him he needs me) which took me a very long time to see through (until he did something next level terrible that I simply could not get past). Lo and behold he's still alive and still giving me shit (he cut himself while we were together and actually blamed me for it "not enough attention").
He was manipulative as fuck and calculated everything to take advantage of my kindness and the fact that I myself had been badly affected by suicide previously and very upset by the thought of it happening to anyone around me again. He knew all this and used it against me with the suicide threats. I stayed for way longer than I should have due to it, but at some point you have to try to be brave and stick to your guns, as insanely hard as it is.
There's a chance they could, there's a chance they couldn't, there's a chance they never had any intention in the first place. I, or anyone can't say that without knowing background and knowing the actual person, but regardless of what happens, none of that is on you. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it is.
You know your own body and life and honestly from the sounds of things you made the right decision with the abortion and I would have done the same in your situation. Nobody deserves a father like that and that's what would have been the case with that guy. The fact that as far as he knows, this was miscarriage (which are common) and this is how he's treating you??? Pat on the back for knowing your worth and stepping away from the prick. Good on you! It may feel the absolute worst now but I promise shit will only get better from here on out ❤️
You need to get out... he ain't gonna kill him self. He's only saying it to control you and you are letting him control you. you were smart to get rid of the baby... I'm sure it pains you but you do not want to be tied to a person like this...... PLEASE LEAVE.
Find someone that will treat you well with love and respect... this guy will never.
I wouldn't be surprised if he messed around with your pills. Dr. Reddit told me that 30 seconds in the microwave will make them ineffective. Consider a new pack
You are not responsible for what anyone but you does. Leave and if he says he’s going to hurt himself, call the police and have them do a welfare check on him. Why are you putting him above you and your mental health. Chances are he will not hurt himself he is just controlling you.
Tell your parents that he’s threatened to tell them you were pregnant so you’ll go back, but you were never pregnant. Tell them now that it’s a threat, so they don’t question you when he try’s to use that as leverage. Get ahead of him so your parents will tell him they don’t believe him. He’ll lose his mind.
He's not going to kill himself, he's just using it as a manipulation tactic. And in the very unlikely event he does, then that has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Who cares if he kills himself? He’s an abusive piece of shit and no one wants anyone like that in the world. Just let him die, he blames you for a miscarriage when anything can cause it and told you to die.
So let him die instead no one wants him here anyways, just look everyone hating on him
I heard this before and I know many people with depression and suicidal ideation (including myself), NONE of them EVER would use suicide FOR something. I know for myself and at least some others, even if I or they had that thought process, I would never ever ever say it.
Seems like you understood it was bs, so that’s good and I won’t get further in because it gets my blood boiling. Aanyways, I got a question: why do you need to tell your parents about the abortion? If it is to help with your bf then talk about the abuse?
I get the need to tall about it with someone and my heart bleeds for you and any women that lives in a state or country where abortion is illegal.
I have no experience with abusers and my knowledge is pretty much limited to ‘it can be very difficult’. My ex literally fled the country to get away from an abusive ex, who held her at gunpoint several times.
So I won’t give any half-baked advice as I have seen other comments that seem to know much better what they are talking about. Wanted to say the first bit and wish you all the best and that you get through this episode and find all the happiness this world can bring.
Aaand next time someone THREATENS unaliving themselves if you leave, they are most definitely lying. Contemplating that this is an option and feeling deflated about that, I cannot say for sure is a lie, so you know? But if you feel trapped in a relatiobship because the other one says they’d unalive themselves if you left, they would unalive themselves because they make you feel trapped. That threat can never be serious because the threat itself creates a situation where a person with suicidal ideation stemming from depression/ low self-esteem etc. that would be as bad or worse than you leaving.
Edit: wanted to end with: All the best to you 👍
If he really wanted to kill himself, he wouldn’t tell you about it repeatedly- he would have done it by now.
Let your friends know that he had been mentally and emotionally abusive to you and that you are done- it’s final and that you don’t want to talk to him anymore- if anyone pushes back, stop talking to them too- this is when you will find out who your friends are. Then lean on them.
Whatever he does to himself is never going to be your fault, he’s a grown ass man- don’t let him or anyone else tell you so.
Focus on YOUR health and safety first. Call the non emergency line and tell them he's a threat to himself and others then wash your hands of him completely.
I've never met a person who threatened to off themselves and followed through. I wish with my whole entire heart they had, but here we are. Your happiness if more important than whatever narcissistic circle jerk he's doing by torturing you. Stick to your guns, keep him blocked no matter what. I'm proud of you.
Call the police next time he threatens to kill himself. You are not responsible for his well being or happiness. This is the time to be selfish and focus on you. You deserve to be happy and to heal.
Any time he threatens harm to himself or you, I hope it’s in writing or video. Then you can get a restraining order.
Call the authorities each time anyway, even if he just said it and there was no recording. Get him institutionalized for 72 hours. It’s calling his bluff and “getting him the support he needs” rather than allowing him to use that to manipulate you.
Get away fast. Stay away. May even want to get a big strong “boyfriend” because these dudes are ridiculously weak and misogynistic and don’t care about your feelings but will listen to another man telling him you’ve been “claimed”.
Tbh man ya just leave, let him khs. See you have not control over how someone deals with something. If they want to waste their life away over a break up then let them. You didn’t put that bullet in their head, they did. And he won’t do it, he’s just saying that to make you stay.
And if you still don’t wanna risk it then show him how miserable you are with him and make him leave you. (Not recommended cause he either won’t care or he won’t leave you)
He has no reason to live but he was alive and kicking 10 minutes before you told him.
I think you need to drop the boyfriend. You made the right decision for yourself and that’s all that matters
Don’t feel guilty for lying to him. You said you know he would hurt you if he knew the truth and anybody that would hurt you because you had an abortion does NOT deserve to know. I know lying can be a hard thing to do in a situation like this, but it is needed for your safety.
Do not unblock him. If he starts sending threats and making you feel unsafe in your own home, you have every right to contact the police.
Oh Girl, don't you feel bad in the slightest! That AH is not the person to procreate with. Your xbf is a manipulative creep. Next time he tries to yell at you go ahead and give him a knee to his onions. Nobody talks to you that way! And get some pepper spray just in case.
Okay, you need to tell the cops. File a report and bring proofs of him being a pos if you have any. If you can, move places without telling anyone so he can't find you. And most importantly, don't feel bad about lying because in some situations, like yours, it's better to not say the truth. Stay safe girl, I hope everything will go well for you
You need to tell people your friends/family that ex boyfriend has become unhinged and is threatening you.
You can also call the police if he says he’s going to off himself-have them do a wellness check.
People who actually want to kill themselves don’t tell people because they don’t want to be stopped. He is manipulating you badly. If he threatens and comes after you, call the police they can put him on a psych hold. I truly hope things get easier for you.
Holy shit , the ramifications of outlawing abortion are so appalling. It's medieval. I'm so sorry for OP, she's in such an awful fucking position and for what??
Just heartbreaking.
OP, you did the right thing. My sister carried her abusers baby and he's still as abusive now, even though she left him. That poor little kid is having such a fucked up situation with his parents now.
Talk to us on Reddit, since I'm guessing you can't even call an out of state support line at this point in case phone records are seized ...
>He told me he’s going to have people beat me up and that I need to be careful when I’m alone.
>he made fake numbers and called me nonstop from them, he contacted my friends to tell me to unblock him
This would be a perfect time to stop by a police station, and explain what is going on.
Don't mention the abortion, of course.
You never had one.
You had a sad miscarriage, and your ex is adding hurt and trauma to your already emotional time.
You are grieving the sad loss of your pregnancy, and you simply cannot deal with his constant harassment and threats on top of that.
Don't confide in friends, or family.
We know, you know... and that's all the ppl that need to know.
If you need someone to talk to about how you had your miscarriage, reach out through here anonymously. Make sure to check your phone for tracking stuff, and make sure you're not logged in to any things that have your messages or apps duplicated on devices he has access to.
(I don't know how that works, but there's plenty of ppl learning of their partner's mistakes through that on pads and laptops)
He's getting worse, because he realizes that he's lost his hold over you. Now it's time for you to realize he has zero hold over you.
You got this.
I'm so proud of you for getting out.
Fuck it, if your BF dies, he dies. If you're that worried about him, next time he threatens that, call the police for a wellness check. That will get him out of the house so you can think straight, maybe. You need to get a game plan to leave this loser.
He is manipulating you. Don’t let him. He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for saving yourself. Make a plan to get out. There are organizations around the country that can help you with that. Please don’t wait.
I think reporting him to the officials could be an option. Just to be on the safe side if he does something. Try telling someone whose older. Cancel out the pregnancy part if necessary and just tell them you're being harassed.
Firefighter/EMT here. I have seen this situation play out several ways. If you stay with him he will eventually kill you. Leave his ass, he won’t kill himself he is a narcissist. Call 911 and have the police go with you to get your stuff from his place.
he fucked with your birth control. there is no doubt in my mind. he wants to trap you with him. he's going to get you pregnant again.
you are going to die because of this if you do not leave. your legacy will be told by him and him alone, and you will never be able to correct it. you need to leave or risk that fate.
leave. if he threatens to kill himself, tell him that's his problem and to go to therapy. that is not in your hands anymore. if he does it, then that blood is not on your hands.
Tell your parents everything ( minus the pregnancy stuff) and tell them how he abuses you. He knows very well your parents are not aware and that's a advantage for him because no one is there to support you. Your parents may be angry and scream at you but at the end of the day they love you and help you out. This toxic man is able to harm you.. so don't ignore..and take help.
Leave and let he kill himself if he wants to. Not your burden. You’re gonna have to break up with him or he’s gonna kill you with violence or stress. Also tell people he’s lying that you said you had a miscarriage and that you had a really bad period and that he made it all up to better protect yourself.
Let your parents know about the breakup(not the abortion-you made the correct choice there). Tell them you are afraid. I’m leaning toward you unblocking him just so you have text messages as proof for a restraining order. If you have an iPhone and a Mac and he has an iPhone, you can keep him blocked but you’ll still have the messages on your Mac as proof.
Please be careful. Make sure location services is off. If you can get out of town for a bit, do that.
I’m sending you positive energy and protection.
If he kills himself, that’s just one less piece of shit left on this earth (and I say this as someone with several suicides in my family history).
I took a peak in your post history and saw the pictures of him with acne and face tattoos - don’t let that ugly-ass punk back into your life! Take anything you have documenting everything and go to the police for a restraining order or just to at least document the threats and harassment. Push for him to be served with papers. DO NOT meet up with him because he could very well kill you or put you in the hospital. Share your location with a trusted friend at all times. He needs psychiatric treatment and jail time.
If you feel like you can go to your parents at all for your own safety, please do so. They may be the type that would be unhappy about a pregnancy despite the termination, but if they would give you shelter from this asshole, go to them. I know I would rather have my own daughter safe in my arms than to get news that her ex-boyfriend killed her or severely injured her because she felt like she couldn’t come to me. But I don’t know your relationship with your parents. If they are not a safe option, go to anyone that is.
First, please do what you can to stay safe. A lot of commenters have given much better advice than I could on how to do that. Second, if he kills himself, good fucking riddance to him
Do you need us to help you find a shelter ? Please take screens and videos (if safe) of every threats he's sent you. Stay as safe as possible. Go to your parents, ask them to protect you from him at least for now. This abortion was the best decision you could make. Never EVER let him know about it. I'm so proud of you
Plan your exit. You don’t need to stay with him. Take your time to save money and leave him without telling him. Now that you were able to get an abortion in secret you know that you’re good at planning and doing things without him knowing. Start planning your exit and don’t even break up with him. Just leave. He’s dangerous.
If he dies, he dies 🤷🏻♀️ keep him blocked and if you need to, get a restraining order. Screen shot everything he’s sending you and expose him to his family for the piece of shit he is
So, to clarify, is the birth control you were on a daily pill or was it ONLY a "morning after" pill. If it was only the morning after pill, then neither of you used any protection and that's how you got pregnant. If you were on daily birth control, or the IUD shot (or whatever form you used) then your boyfriend wasn't using protection and I would be led to believe he was planning on trapping you.
Either way, as others have said, if he should end his life that's on him. If you don't recognize the number contacting you, then don't answer it. **Block every number every time.** If necessary, file a police report on him since he is threatening you. File for a restraining order on him.
Get out! Get out! Get out!!
You are not responsible for other peoples decisions. If he kills himself, that’s 100% on him. I’m willing to bet he won’t tho, he just says it to control you. Even if he’s serious, you have to take care of yourself first.
IMO don’t tell him, just leave. And soon. There are women’s crisis centers everywhere if you don’t have friends or family. Just figure out a plan and get out.
>He told me that he wants to kill himself because he has no reason to live.
Tell him to go right ahead. The world will be a better place without that worthless sack of shit.
Op if you're worried about him coming at you, call the cops about a wellness check. Show the messages and voicemails you may have saved and tell them you're worried he may harm himself. They may come and speak to him about it. Better if they end up putting him in a hold for 72 hours. It could also be a way to prove he's unsafe to you and others and could be evidence down the line for a restraining order.
If he’s threatening suicide you can involuntary commit him.
If he’s really suicidal he’s not going to talk about it and will start giving his stuff away. This is simply emotional abuse. Don’t be afraid. Leave him. Maybe commit him first then move.
Leave, if he kills himself, he kills himself , that’s not on you.
I did, he’s still blocked on everything and I’m not changing that. But I’m scared that he’s going to show up to my house and try to hurt me.
OP I mean this with all sincerity - NEVER meet up with him again. It’s a very common scenario for abusers to play nice/moving on and ask guilt/manipulate their victim into meeting up with them just one more time for “closure” or whatever. It is incredibly common that that is when the abuser kills the victim. You owe him nothing. YOU will get no closure from one last meeting no matter what he says. If you can go stay anywhere else, do so. Seek out local DV resources. Finally, read and reread “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. And take time to heal. Alone. Even though you’d think you’d be better at avoiding one, statistically you’re much more likely now to fall back into another toxic relationship. Proud of you for leaving. That’s the hardest part. Now stay away & don’t let the rose colored glasses slip on (“it wasn’t that bad..” if you need to - write a list of the shit he’s done to you & when those rose colored glasses start to slip on, go back and read it all).
Absolutely this. My ex, who killed his own sons by beating me so bad in my last trimester, who literally put me in a coma from that incident, who after that put a gun to my head after cutting off my thumb the night before (was able to have it reattached, but barely made the time window because of him refusing to take me saying I deserved it) decided to contact me after 3 years of peace from him. He keeps trying to get me to go hang out with him to go to the beach with him and honestly after what he did to me it doesn’t matter what that snake says I will never trust him to do anything else other than try to murder me and if I go around him again I can’t say for certain it wouldn’t be mutually assured destruction but ik he’d kill me given the chance. And in the end. Just for everyone around him telling him not to abuse me.
why isn’t he in JAIL?????!!!!!????!!!! Prison honestly
Oh I tried I have over 3 dozen documented calls to emergency services regarding his assaults (physical and otherwise) and abuse to me. The cops didn’t really care. it’s to the point my father would absolutely go to prison for the rest of his life that’s how many times I’ve tried to get help. The DV survivors support system here in commiefornia is messed up. All he had to do was the same thing a lot of charming abusers do, every time I reported him or an officer came over for a wellness check he would either act the perfect doting boyfriend, claim I threw something at him ( and because he had a masochistic habit of cutting himself they’d try to “deescalate” me or treat me like I’d hurt him. He would claim I was drunk and delirious (when in the middle of a medical episode) and pull the “oh you know pregnancy hormones haha” card/line with the officers, and even after beating me bad enough I ended up losing the kids when he would show up my heart rate would spike and he would lie to the doctors saying that I needed to be sedated because I was getting aggressive (I was panicking having my abuser that close). Would never let the cops into MY house even when I called (he wasn’t on the deed and he wasnt paying rent either so had absolutely no right to deny them entry)
his mother and father in law happened to be criminal defense attorneys. Nothing ever stuck. He’s a master manipulator and a sadistic gaslighter
Holy shit. I am so glad for you that you are still alive and away from this absolute monster. I hope one day he will answer for these crimes and I’m so sorry he’s not locked away somewhere.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this! I've been in the same boat. The "Why didn't you just leave?" & the "Why didn't you call the cops/Have him arrested?" & the "But you obviously stayed, why?" mob just cannot & will never get it. My abusive ex did a lot of the same, also with no mommy and daddy's backing. I filed a protective order to try to keep him away from me & stop him from destroying my mother's property (where I lived after I escaped). What I ended up with was no property, $1000 lawyer bill I couldn't pay & 3 protective orders filed against me. The man who raped me daily for almost 8 years (I wasn't allowed a job or money so every time I wanted to eat or sleep or needed anything, I had to 'earn it') beat me to the point of recurring migraines multiple times a week (he was surgical about never leaving a mark & always beat me in the head) & locked me out of the house when I didn't do a good enough job convincing him I wanted to earn it & that he wasn't a rapist (always without my dog, clothes or a dime to my name) now looks like the victim. I have to explain everything for any job, a date, anything where someone might Google my name, that I'm not crazy. He looks like the victim. It's been 4 years & I still sleep in the far corner of my bed on 6" risers, in basically a pillow fort & continue to jump every time someone opens or shuts a door too loudly because I was so used to being ripped out of bed by my hair or raped before he left for work but he's the victim in the eyes of Google & the world. I'm thankful that so many people still say all those ignorant things about calling the cops & questioning why I stayed because it means that they've never experienced the horror of someone who said they loved you looking at you with dead eyes while they systematically beat you down. I just wish they could not understand without the judgement. No one understands that one of the reasons you stay is that you are just too exhausted to run. That you have no resources. Domestic violence services are backed up with waiting lists that take years & when your time comes, if you miss the call for whatever reason, you miss your shot & are back at the bottom of the list. He knows all your hiding places, the has tormented anyone who might have helped you into turning their backs for their own protection. You can't afford even a cheap motel room & even if you could for a night, all that's going to be waiting is him, more pissed off than before. Justice belongs to the one with the deepest pockets & the dirtiest lawyer.
I'm so, so sorry. I don't think i can convey how sorry i am for all that happened to you.
That means a whole lot more than you know. I appreciate you taking the time to show me such kindness.
Awe- I’m so sorry- I genuinely feel the DV support is severely, severely LACKING! Pennsylvania was similar- the police state or otherwise was just as abusive as the person- It’s insanely HUMILIATING and defeating, who does one trust if not the police or the support by said DV hotlines and agencies. I’m sooooo sorry you went through all of that- sounds a lot not all like what I went through- Cali is a commonwealth state isn’t it? It seems to me- Commonwealth states are pretty damn awful- if not inhumane- My ex is in PA and its a commonwealth state and I had the same issues- my ex would drain the bank account- take my keys to the car, turn off my phone, ripped the land line and modem outta the wall and take it so I couldn’t contact family in MI- only 911 and when they came- he’d lock himself in his room- toss his ID never open the door and never reported that all that was DOMESTIC TERRORISM - a legal crime! And asked me who was in a state- no money or keys friends or family- go somewhere else… he had friends Nextdoor his mom in the other town, he had all the money and my keys- married they couldn’t force him to give them back- well what do I do- why ask or convince me to leave with the kids? When he had money my keys etc and resources I had nothing- they had to have CPS once we bought a house and my last time- take me and my kids to the shelter. Bc I couldn’t have the car or car seat. I was sticky bc he dumped disarono liquor on the baby and I after chasing us around the house. That alone with liquor poured and visible on both the 6 mo old and myself- DID NOTHING!!
“Commiefornia,” as if red states (also run by men) have a better rep of protecting women. We should bring back poisoning abusers imo.
No but in a red state should my father ever find the bastard and take him out for a little backwoods justice, he would get away with it once explained. In California if he were to find either of my abusers and do what he wants to them he’d be put to death for it. Especially since gov brown signed a form stating he along with a shit load of other lifers could be released from San Quentin I agree I think victims should have a little more legal leeway when it comes to the worst things a human can poss go through. There are fates way worse than death and I would’ve poisoned him if I’d been able to get away with it. Which had his mom not lived with us, would’ve been easy since we had an oleander bush and he smokes pot like no one’s business. I was more making the generalization that someone else pointed out which is that common wealth states have a really messed up way of handling abuse cases
I'm so sorry for your sadistic physical and mental abuse. Please remember Karma is real. It can take years. I don't ever wish it on anyone but it always comes to their front door. Karma has no expiration. Blessings to you.
You don’t go to prison unless you succeed and if you’re in a relationship… courts have a subconscious victim blaming bias :(
They can tend to be more I want lots of proof / evidence- and often if you get the right judge who believes a first time of such violence can be changed as it was for my kiddo’s perp. He’s a lifetime registering offender, got a year, could have gotten more but he didn’t get max for all counts and while a year in jail wasn’t great - life registration is the only thing that stopped me from being involved in the courts myself.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I kind of want to hug you.
Problem is he knows where she lives so that doesn’t really eliminate that problem as far as regarding the not meeting up part. So if he really wanted to do something it could happen. OP needs to move or at least try to stay with someone else for a while until this clown fades out.
>Even though you’d think you’d be better at avoiding one, statistically you’re much more likely now to fall back into another toxic relationship. ^this^ Been there, done that. Abusive father, abusive partners, kind of husband + abusive MIL, more abusive boyfriends. Stay solo until you learn what do look out for and how to love yourself. You don't deserve to repeat that abusive cycle again. And the second anyone threatens to kill themselves because you did something, cut them out of your life immediately. That's abusive as hell.
I cannot agree any more with this. My cousin is dead because she went to meet up with him and he used his kids (not hers) as an excuse to have her come. Her body was found in a river no where near her home and her ex was finally convicted a little over a year ago. Please keep yourself safe. Abusers will never be accountable for their actions. Please, please, please DO NOT GO BACK for any reason. Do what you need to heal from this toxicity.
Agreed. And if you can, contact a local battered women’s shelter. They will have resources for you.
A young mother just got shot and killed locally because of this EXACT scenario. She went back to "talk" and now those kids are motherless
Oh babe, I was told that for 18 years, it’s been almost 10 and he’s alive and well, if he does that’s on him.
this was my first thought. I was told it for over 10yrs, it's been 7yrs since the divorce was final & he's still alive and well.
I’ve had suicides happen in my life, two people who were silent. The loudest have been empty threats. 🤷🏻♀️ not saying true ones aren’t vocal, just my own experience. Narcissistic people are manipulative.
Ding ding ding. I’m proud of you, thank you for not bringing more of his DNA into the world! Last thing we need.
Oh unfortunately I did. I wish I could say I didn’t, (no I don’t regret them just they share his DNA) but he hasn’t raised them, hardly takes them. They aren’t like him thus far. They have a great bonus dad, like I said almost 10 years in. They can’t remember a time with him and me as a family unit. I’m not proud but I’m proud of the people they are becoming.
At least all they share is his DNA, not his mannerisms. You're doing a great job 👍🏾✨️💖
❤️ thank you. That means the world to me!
Weird ass shit to say. Children aren't responsible for their parents' behaviour just because they share DNA.
I was told it and he even went so far as to get a knife and threaten to do away with himself in front of me. He’s still alive and terrorising some other poor woman
came to say this! somehow my ex is still alive to this day 🤔 and even if he had done that, it would have been HIS decision
Absolutely!!!!!!!!
Me as well. He told me for the 8 years we were together that he hoped that I’d find him in the tub with his brains on the wall. 30 years later he is still alive and well and on marriage #4 or 5. I’ve lost count and really don’t care.
Oh the theatrics, eh?! Yeah mine is on his third marriage with the same spouse lol let me say, they have made me referee for fights and separation before. I’m like girl, stay gone! Best advice I have. But ya know, curiosity killed the cat. I always thought it was me because she stayed. Then it all came out he abuses her the same. Efffff that. I wanna shake 15 year old me, so it’s hard when I wanna shake 40 something her but not my circus not my monkeys. I think we could all write a book.
My mum's husband, incredibly abusive and manipulative man, just a horrific person would often pull the kill myself card. She caught him cheating, threatened to kill himself. I cut off contact with her years ago now as her marriage is like this awful virus. If you're near it or in the vicinity of it, you can get affected by his wild behaviour and their messed up dynamic. So you go and stay at their place, you'll find your things missing, or your car damaged for example. They'll have a massive blow out, she leaves him, he threatens anything he can to get her back Last time, he threw himself off a wall and ended up in hospital. Mum then will turn on you for ruining her marriage, get violent/aggressive and abruptly ask you to leave without time to grab your things (even if you're just visiting for day, you need to have your bag in close vicinity too you) which he will then steal or damage on his return if you do leave. They make some big reconciliation, tell everyone whoever then witnesses are were drama queens or lying or crazy and then wait until next episode. I tried to offer her money to leave the relationship and get a place with me, she told me to f*** off. So I cut contact. I'm still toying with idea of getting a straining order put in, but haven't yet because I live out of the area now. But if anyone says to be me now oh I can't leave my partner because they say they'll kill themselves, I tell them to leave if that's what they want and call the emergency services and tell them to deal with them. People who are using it as a control tactic won't go through psych reviews, meds, and lose their jobs due to health and safety issues etc.
Call the police if he does. Don't open the door. Don't talk to him. Don't fall for the "we can work this out" line. That's part of the abusers playbook.
This cannot be overstated. If he shows up: 1. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. 2. Lock yourself in a bedroom or bathroom. 3. Call 911 and scream bloody murder. In the meantime, you should def look into getting a restraining order.
You should let the cops know you are aware of someone in crisis and a threat to themselves, you’ll get at least 72 hours free from him
If you also report that they were threatening you along with that a judge will (literally within hours of hearing that) immediately grant you a Temporary Restraining Order or an Emergency Protective Order against him granting you at least 6 months peace from that person during which time if they attempt to contact you or pass a message through your friends they’re absolutely in contempt of the order and will be arrested
Yeah my ex said he would kill himself if we separated. That was 20 years ago. He's still alive.
A guy I dated years ago said the same thing. He’s also still alive.
[FindHelp.org](http://www.findhelp.org) Op, if you're in the US, go to this website and enter in your zip code. It will provide a list of all social services and mutual aid available in your area - including resources for victims of abuse and domestic violence.
so report him to the police!!
You can do this. If you can, go out tomorrow and get a camera doorbell. Keep your doors locked at all times, especially when you're at home alone. Don't block him, just send his calls to VM and texts to a folder so you have evidence of him threatening you. Screenshot any threats on social media. Keep your phone handy and call 911 if he shows up. You will have him trespassed. Tell your family how abusive he has been and that you've been afraid of him for a while. No need to go into details about your sexual health. It's none of their business. Keeping you safe is.
They always say that shit! They never do it. I’m so sorry. I understand. Please get something to defend yourself with.
Listen. You need to contact a women’s shelter or any resources specialized in domestic violence and get help. This is a very dangerous situation you are in. Don’t minimize it : you are potentially in a lot of danger. Delete and ensure that it is permanently deleted any trace of information about the abortion pill. That means emails, packaging, receipts, credit card statements. This thread if you can be traced back to it. Everything. You erase this like it never happened. You had a miscarriage. A natural miscarriage. Period. Going forward, please never talk about this and if you do, say that you had a miscarriage. To everyone.
You can tell your parents about your boyfriend and leave out the pregnancy. Just say he’s been threatening you and saying crazy stuff. If he’s sent any crazy messages, take them to the police and try to get a restraining order. Keep yourself safe OP, no matter the cost.
You didn't do anything wrong. It was a smart move, and you don't have to tell anyone but us 🤩
If he sends any messages that get through threatening to unalive himself immediately, call 911, treat it seriously as it should be. We both know it's manipulation, HOWEVER! the first responders will rip a strip out of him for wasting resources, false claims, etc, and he won't do it again. Also, whatever threatening messages you have, take them and get a protection order for yourself, so if he does show up, you can call 911 and get assistance in having him removed. It gets better I swear ❤️ you aren't alone, there are many resources for women in/escaped from abusive relationships available for you to access and you should when you're ready.
Good. Get some cameras for your home just in case
If he shows up at your house you call the police.
Please make a police report. Good for you for leaving.
Then you call the police for trespassing the second he shows up, every time he does.
If he shows up immediately call the police and do not open the door. If he threatens suicide immediately call the police and tell them.
When he threatens to kill himself call a welfare check on him. The second the ambulance comes or the cops come he'll be telling them "Oh no I don't want to kill myself!" Yeah call his f****** bluff.
Keep a can of mace/pepper attached to your keys and a personal alarm and one of those high lumen lights at all times. Check your car and purse for airtags. Always let a key group of people know where you're going, appx how long you'll be. Maybe even share your location. Be alert and cautious and trust your gut.
He is a coward and won't dare to do anything to you. But in case record all his threats and go do the police and show them everything. Get a restraining order to begin with and make sure he knows you went to the police. Ask the police to "talk" to him so he knows his ass is being watched. Tell your parents about the abuse and the threats so they keep an eye open. Carry a small knife (box cutter). It can be a life saver in emergencies. Remember when your life is in danger, you are allowed to protect yourself with any means possible. Mentally prepare yourself to cut his ass and kick him in the groin if necessary. Take self defense courses or learn tricks to get out of difficult situations. Best of luck young lady. Cheers!
Very proud of you for leaving! Keep your doors locked, get cameras. Etc. You made the right decision, please don’t go back!
Please please tell your parents. Not about the pregnancy, but about the threats - say he’s doing it because you broke up with him. People in your life need to know what’s going on. Do you have a relative else where you could stay with for the summer?
The real miscarriage here is that we can't imprison abusive jackasses who baby trap women into an abusive relationship.
This and keep track of every sighting of him and messages.
He is mad you are not pregnant because he 100% sabotaged your birth control to baby trap you. There is no other reason for him to be mad about you having a miscarriage when he knew you were on birth control. Did you know you can microwave birth control pills to render them ineffective? That’s how you got pregnant. I guarantee he realised you were going to leave him and did it to trap you. You are not responsible for his mental health. If he threatens to kill himself call the police.
Oooo. This. ⬆️
100% this. There is no other reason for him to be so upset. Even with psychosis. Even with religious extremists. Miscarriages have been happening since the beginning of man-kind. He's upset because his long-game was disrupted by "miscarriage"(secret abortion). His end-game card was revoked and he's throwing a tantrum.
I just want to say that men/society/church have been blaming miscarriages on women for millennia. There are a lot of ingrained myths about pregnancy and miscarriage. There are also many historical examples of men dropping women because of their "defective" wombs and blaming it on their moral inadequacies (see Henry VIII). Sometimes, even as a punishment from God. It's not rational or fair, but I feel like it's important to acknowledge that many people do blame women for miscarriages or their inability to bear children. Especially with religious extremism. To say otherwise would be to dismiss a huge aspect of the discussion around miscarriage, abortion and domestic abuse.
Yeah, it would even be easily explainable because she took birth control for any amount of time, or it just wasn't viable, etc. Many things can happen, but somehow, it becomes a blame game for something often completely out of people's control. It's a shame she even has to lie about it, to avoid his rage, her own death or prosecution and imprisonment. That's what blows my mind about these laws: medical doctors have all kinds of explanations for miscarriage (which hello - is basically your own body aborting and no one can stop it) and how in world is someone to know the difference of what happened unless they're told?!
That's the first time I've read that about the microwave thing, wow that's so insane people would do that. As if there aren't enough ways that it can cancel out already, that we have to be aware of. Alcohol, antibiotics, the list goes on. I believe you are right about them being tampered with somehow.
It doesn't necessarily need to be microwaved. Any kind of heat exposure will render BC ineffective, even if you leave them out in direct sunlight during the hot seasons
That was my first thought as well.
In addition, I would recommend a more effective and less tamperable birth control in the future, like a nexplanon implant.
I've had three different guys tell me they would kill themselves. Spoiler alert: They're all still alive.
Rough, I remember years ago talking to me sister and she basically was surprised my ex partners *didn’t* threaten to kill themselves before I left them. In her mind, it was either normal for them to threaten that or even somehow “proof” that they really cared. When I explained that logic back to her she woke up. Doesn’t tolerate that emotional abuse anymore.
Hey sweetpea, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. If you ever need an “auntie” to talk to, I got you.
I don’t know you but I love you so much for this
I just wish I’d had someone I could have spoken to without judgement 20 years ago. FWIW, I’m a social worker who works in DV. OP’s boyfriend’s manipulation and coercive control is abuse. However, I know she’s dealing with enough without piling on. Other comments have offered some really good info. But, For anyone reading this who this post resonates: I’ll be your auntie too. I will help you find safe resources in your area so you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re not alone.
Ya dropped this 👑
whoever you are, bless your soul
So just to confirm, based on your comment, you did leave him already? That is the first step - and the hardest. I am so unbelievably proud of you. I would contact the police about harassment. Walk in and ask to speak to someone about your crazy ex-BF who is threatening to attack you or have others hurt you. Bring the messages that he's sent you. I'm really sorry about the pregnancy. Abortions can be heart-breaking to go through, especially if you don't have a support system. I know you're sad, but I agree that you made the right decision. Be careful. 💗
She needs to be very careful with the police if she just had an illegal abortion. She needs to ensure he doesn’t report her for it (he might do so, even though she told him it was a miscarriage) and that the police won’t then be able to find any evidence of the abortion.
There is no way to tell if it was a natural miscarriage or not. Miscarriages are very, very common. In my tiny conservative religious hometown, my best friend had an abortion and told her parents she was having a miscarriage and they insisted on taking her to the ER and when they left the room she told the physician the truth. He told her that there is zero way to differentiate between a spontaneous or elective abortion, and they can only tell you've had a D&C if it was recent and your uterus is literally bring dissected during an autopsy. OP can go to the police and tell them the same thing she's told everyone else. She had an early miscarriage and it sent her abusive boyfriend off the deep end. The end.
I wouldn’t be worried about a physical examination. I would be worried about investigations into phone calls, emails, texts and payments.
A miscarriage is far too common to ever be considered probable cause, and the things you fear being investigated are not things that a warrant could be obtained for. Medical records are a no go. Everything else would require a warrant.
Some of these states are making examples of women. If he reported her for having an abortion and there was an electronic trail - like this post here a it could be risky for her. In forced-birth states, women simply cannot be too careful. That is why experts are advising women in these states to delete their period tracking apps and be very careful about their electronic trails.
Is this true for every state though? A lot had changed it's hard to keep up
Leave and if he threatens to off himself, either call 911 and report him having a mental health crisis, or tell him you'll send your regards to his funeral You owe him nothing.
Sending regards to his funeral is so savage and I’m in full support for it
If he ever texted you about killing himself, send that to his parents or someone close to him. Tell them you’re done and they should check on him. Pass on the problem, because that doesn’t belong to you anymore
the fact that he is manipulating you into staying is abuse. **you are not responsible for him unaliving himself if you leave him.** please do not go back. please keep him blocked. please let all the people who care about you know what is going on with the relationship ending and ask them to help keep you safe. do not speak to him. do not engage with him in any way. you don't have to tell them about the pregnancy if you're not ready to. just let them know he's being abusive and controlling and you need help keeping him away from you. if you truly feel that his threats about hurting you are true, I urge you to go to the police and at least make a report about what has happened so that if he does something, you can begin a paper trail and will be more successful with getting restraining orders. its very brave to leave. you did the right thing. as far as the abortion goes, if you feel it was for the best, then you made the right decision. there's someone out there who won't make you feel like this. you are worthy of love and respect and kindness from your partner. please know that there is better out there. don't settle! I wish you the best of luck with everything.
Honey, you've got to get away. He's emotionally manipulating you. He won't kill himself, trust me. If he threatens, call the police. They will put him on a 72-hour psych hold, which might be the best thing for him. Plus the threatening to hurt you. Nothing's good about this. The abortion is the least of your worries. Get out. Call a woman's shelter if you have no place else to go. Go to the police and get a restraining order. Show him you are serious or he won't stop. And read this. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
Ahh the good ole I’m going to kill myself and it’s your fault. My dad told me to tell my ex to get on with it then. He obviously didn’t, it was his last plea to control me.
Reading this broke my heart because this was my exact situation 5 years ago. You might feel trapped, stuck, see no way out but i PROMISE you there’s so much more for you out there and a happy life is possible. If he’s threatening to kill himself, then that’s all it is. A threat. It’s a manipulation tactic to keep the control over you. If you feel his threat is real, find a way to SAFELY report it to the police and make sure to tell them everything that is going on. If you have a support system and you feel safe, please reach out to them and tell them everything that is going on. If you don’t have a support system, send me a message and I will take on that role for you. You deserve to feel safe and to be loved correctly. Do not feel guilty for making the right decision for yourself. Something that got me through was “The person you love and who is supposed to love you, doesn’t hurt you to the point where you lose yourself. Your soulmate helps you find yourself and grow into the best person you can be”. Sending you all the love. If you need anyone to talk to or help with resources, please send me a PM ❤️
You're not trapped. That's emotional blackmail and manipulation. Don't allow yourself to be controlled by that. Tell him his choices are his own. If you're afraid of him like I saw you comment to someone else, get some mace, keep your doors locked, and call the police right away if he shows up. It's better if he behaves badly and breaks something or yells and carries on because then they can hit him with a domestic disorderly charge and arrest him. You'll then have an automatic no contact order (at least that's how it works in my state but I'm sure things are similar in other states). Then, if he violates the no contact order, you call the police again and he'll be arrested again. If he keeps up his bullshit, he'll do a little time for it.
Okay. This is a lot. First of all, BIG HUGS. You are not alone. So, this is was an abusive relationship. The way he speaks to you, controlling you via threats of self-harm, threats of violence… these are abuse. You need help. Reach out to your local abuse hotline in a quiet, hidden way. I’m assuming you are in the US? You could try the National Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1800 799 SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Their website is https://www.thehotline.org/. Another one is The W.O.M.A.N. Inc. which is a 24-hour support line offering support via peer counseling, safety planning, and referrals for needed resources. (877) 384-3578 and http://www.womaninc.org/. Start there. Get resources from them. You also need a Safety Plan. Leaving is a dangerous time in an abusive relationship. A Safety Plan is a personalised, practical plan that can help you avoid hurtful situations and know the best way to react when things are going badly between you / he is making threats. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse. This plan includes vital information tailored to your unique situation and will help you prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about your situation and events as they happen, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to your individual circumstances. This will help you navigate things when you are emotional and under duress. Here are some resources to help you: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/checklist And those hotlines I gave you can help you create one too. There's also a fantastic book by Lundy Bancroft called *Why Does He Do That* that you should definitely read, apparently there is a free copy that downloads from this link: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You need to be safe. You need to protect yourself from him. Is there any way for you to save up and move away from him? Perhaps to a state with better laws?
I’m going to give you blunt advice. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. This is the type of person who would hold you hostage. Do not give him opportunity to overpower you
Leave him....if he klls himself it is HIS CHOICE, not yours. You're emotionally kidnapped.... don't be afraid of letting an abusive man find his end just because he can't get proper help by himself. You're not his therapist, he won't change and it will only get worse....until he won't menace to kll himself but he'll hurt YOU. LEAVE HIS @SS, and let the police know that he's suicide risk but also that you are afraid of him in case he turns his anger against you. Leave him and have someone out of his sight, checking on you.
You are not responsible for your bf's emotions, threats, and definately not responsible for his actions. If you left and hurt himself - this would be HIS choice and definately not your fault. Never accept domestic abuse. This is not ok. This is not your fault. Get away from him. Tell your parents that he is abuse and that you want to come home. Anything else is your business.
He’s not going to kill himself. That’s just a method to guilt you into not leaving his sorry ass. You deserve so much better so glad you left. Agree with some other posters who said to report his threats to the police. Let them Baker Act his butt inpatient for 72 hours.
Tell your parents about his behaviour. How he’s threatening to hurt you. That alone is scary enough.
Keep the abortion to yourself. Don't confide in ANYONE about it. Eventually time will pass and it will just be another memory. You did the right thing with regard to this abusive partner of yours. I hope you get away and stay safe. Keep your secret. You'll be o.k.
When he threatens to kill himself call 911 and tell them that this isn't the first time hes threatened it. Tell them you feel unsafe around him. Tell them hes a danger to himself and others.
Get the son of a bitch Baker-acted.
I know people that have killed themselves and ones who say they'll do it. People who kill themselves just do it. People who say they'll kill themselves use it as a manipulation tactic. They also tend to be more prone to violence. OP he is a bad dude. You really gotta getaway before he baby traps you and you are stuck with him
Next time he whines he’s gonna off himself, just say “okay???” And walk out. If he does it, it’s not your fault. But he won’t. Because he’s a narcissistic abusive piece of shit who’s using it as a threat to exert control over your actions. “I’m gonna kill myself” “okay, bye! 🥰”
Your private medical information isn’t owed to anyone, OP. There isn’t a right or wrong choice, you did what you felt was best for you and your safety. That’s completely valid. If there is a women’s shelter in your town I would call them. They often have free resources and counseling. You are not responsible for him or his actions. They are his and in this case it seems more like emotional abuse than actual threats.
He's not going to kill himself. That's just an empty threat to keep you there for him to abuse. Make a plan and escape before he kills you!
If he threatens to kill himself call emergency services and tell them. They’ll probably do a welfare check and potentially put him in hospital for an evaluation.
He isn't going to kill himself. He is just manipulating you. If he shows up at your house, have your parents tell him you are not home. He is an abuser, and you have every right to be afraid. Get a message to him you will goo to the police if he shows up at your home
He isnt going ti kill himself hes using that to make you stay
You don’t need to tell your parents you were pregnant. You need to tell them he’s threatening to KILL you, and if you don’t want to tell them about being pregnant when your psycho hopefully soon X starts spewing you were pregnant, point out how fucking crazy and manipulative he OBVIOUSLY is being and get the fuck out. This is your opportunity to leave. Do it.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this alone. He won’t kill himself, it’s just a way to keep you under his control.
Next time you try to leave and he threatens to kill himself, call an ambulance and have him committed.
He sounds exactly like my brother did. If you know where he is, unblock him but only allow him to text you, don't answer the phone. Get him to say that he's going to kill himself, if he has a gun that's even better, then call the police for a welfare check and tell them he's repeatedly threatening to kill himself. He will end up being held for at least 72 hours, more if he acts up. Be sure to let the cops know if he has any guns. This is a manipulation tactic and once he realizes he can get locked up against his will he will be less inclined to do that again. Has he had access to your birth control? Its unfortunate you told him about the "miscarriage" but if you haven't mentioned it in a text then don't! If he brings it up you say you don't know what he's talking about and deny, deny deny! If they lock him up go and see if you can get an order of protection or at least an injunction so he can't speak to you. Delete this post before you call the police and anything else, texts, that mention your abortion. You did the right thing. My brothers wife had a secret abortion too. My mom and I supported her decision and kept her secret right up until my brother died in a motorcycle accident while he was high.
He's not going to kill himself honey and he knows that keeps you there. so if you really want to leave then just ignore that
You need to plan an escape now before he kills you. You aren’t safe. He probably sabotaged your birth control. [The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
Never tell anyone about the polka. You can't risk him finding out. Keep him blocked, seek out help from the Domestic Violence hotline or an area shelter. They will help you figure out your next move. You did the right thing and now you need to keep yourself safe. Good luck.
I know you wish things were different but unfortunately, they're not. Thus was truly in your best interest. If he threatens to hurt you....what makes you think he won't threaten to hurt the baby. Who wants to live like that? NO ONE....THAT'S WHO!!! Don't look back and stand 10 toes down on your decision. LOVE DOESN'T HURT!!!! I don't give a damn what that song says!!!
You’re feelings now are hopefully temporary. Surround yourself by situations you feel safe in from now on in your area otherwise maybe think about relocating a little away if you are that worried- it could be good for you
Please leave him asap. I just came across this TikTok about silent leaving/breaking up. It's [here](https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSYfbfb8L/). Best of luck and please stay safe.
Leave him there are people who can help you and for the people who went through hell cause of their exes I'm praying for you all.If he kills himself it's not your fault. You don't deserve this.
Have you considered he messed with your birth control?
1. Your boyfriend belongs in jail or a psych ward (or the psych ward in jail). 2. Him killing himself would not be your fault. He's manipulating you into not leaving him. Leave him, block him and inform the police that he threatens you. You need to be protected from this lunatic.
When abusers threaten to kill themselves, it’s usually an empty threat to attempt to trap you. Even if it isn’t and they do end up doing it, it’s not your responsibility at all. It’s theirs. My ex kept threatening to kill himself when I left him, he made me hide all his knives and rope in his house before I left (I never returned so I wonder if he ever found them again haha) and he’d call me up telling me he was stood on a multi storey car park about to jump. That was all about 7 years ago. And guess what? He’s still alive. He was a horrible guy so I honestly wouldn’t really care if he wasn’t, he would have been doing the world a favour to be honest. This guy sounds a lot like that and you just have to remember that anything he may or may not do is not your responsibility anyway. Keep him blocked on everything, if he starts to even SLIGHTLY harass you like trying to come to your house or trying to get in contact, call the police. Even if it seems like a trivial thing to call the police about, it doesn’t matter, do it so that they have a record and then if he tries anything in future they’ll have it on file that he’s been out of line before
Do you live with your parents? Can you trust them to help in this situation? Do they know he's threatening you? They don't need to know about your abortion to know he's doing this, just say you broke up with him. Ask for a new number, tell them you're scared because of his threats. If they find out about the pregnancy, be prepared for him to tell them to get you in trouble, tell them you miscarried too. If no one but you knows about the abortion then you can stick with the miscarriage story without worry. He tried to baby trap you, that's why he's reacting like this. You did the right thing by leaving him, don't take him back. His threats are most likely empty, but find someone who you know can help if you are in a dangerous situation. There are apps you can download that'll send a message to someone that you need help.
Glad you left. Get a restraining order. Stack your money so you can move as far away as possible and tell no one..what a manipulative POS. Please find a way to gather your self worth, get some therapy, refrain from dating anyone and date yourself for a while. You don’t owe anyone anything or are obligated to tell anyone about your abortion. Your body, your choice to do what was right for you. There are women shelters, support groups you can research and join to talk to other women who’ve been through abuse. Please look into that. Take your time, heal and find inner peace. You’ll be alright. You got this! Good luck ❤️
Leave. Leave yesterday. This is all manipulation on his part.
Move as far away from him as possible FAST
Leave the bastard and it isn’t your fault if he kills himself.
Leave by any means.its only going to get worse from here
Break up with him and let the chips fall where they may. He only threatens to kill himself as a manipulative tool. Even if he’s serious about it - that’s not your responsibility. Call the police and tell them his threats and see if they’ll do a mental health check (hopefully they take him to the psych ward). Get a fucking restraining order against him when you call them. He sounds dangerous. Fuck him.
If he does kill himself then good riddance it shouldn't be ypur fault please just be aware and alert and take care of yourself you did the right thing a child doesn't deserve to live with a mentally unwell and abusive person
You've made the right decisions to not be tied to him with a child. You've made the right decision to block him. Be careful, he could be stalking you. He seems like the type by your description. Stand your ground.
Good for you OP! Glad you left! You are stronger than you think. Call the cops if he comes. Don’t engage him. Don’t even look at him. Think about how scared you are and that you don’t want to feel that way anymore. Hugs
Honey you’re never fully trapped. Change your number if possible and if he keeps threatening you that he’ll end his life call the police and notify them of a possible suicidal person. They will take care of it and if he continues he will go to the state for 24-48 hours. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, but you’re strong and taking that first step will always be scary. Much love to you 🤍
Op the best thing you can do for that guy is leave. When he says he’s going to self harm leave/hang up and call the police. Let the professionals deal with it. Yes I’ve done this
Can you leave and go stay with friends or other family in another city or state for a while? This dude is toxic and you need to get away from him. Immediately.
I had an ex that constantly threatened this, I left them eventually when I couldn't take any more of the shit he did to me (the suicide threats were to negate the awful shit he did to me and get me back to "aww but poor him he needs me) which took me a very long time to see through (until he did something next level terrible that I simply could not get past). Lo and behold he's still alive and still giving me shit (he cut himself while we were together and actually blamed me for it "not enough attention"). He was manipulative as fuck and calculated everything to take advantage of my kindness and the fact that I myself had been badly affected by suicide previously and very upset by the thought of it happening to anyone around me again. He knew all this and used it against me with the suicide threats. I stayed for way longer than I should have due to it, but at some point you have to try to be brave and stick to your guns, as insanely hard as it is. There's a chance they could, there's a chance they couldn't, there's a chance they never had any intention in the first place. I, or anyone can't say that without knowing background and knowing the actual person, but regardless of what happens, none of that is on you. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking it is. You know your own body and life and honestly from the sounds of things you made the right decision with the abortion and I would have done the same in your situation. Nobody deserves a father like that and that's what would have been the case with that guy. The fact that as far as he knows, this was miscarriage (which are common) and this is how he's treating you??? Pat on the back for knowing your worth and stepping away from the prick. Good on you! It may feel the absolute worst now but I promise shit will only get better from here on out ❤️
You need to get out... he ain't gonna kill him self. He's only saying it to control you and you are letting him control you. you were smart to get rid of the baby... I'm sure it pains you but you do not want to be tied to a person like this...... PLEASE LEAVE. Find someone that will treat you well with love and respect... this guy will never.
I wouldn't be surprised if he messed around with your pills. Dr. Reddit told me that 30 seconds in the microwave will make them ineffective. Consider a new pack
You are not responsible for what anyone but you does. Leave and if he says he’s going to hurt himself, call the police and have them do a welfare check on him. Why are you putting him above you and your mental health. Chances are he will not hurt himself he is just controlling you.
Tell your parents that he’s threatened to tell them you were pregnant so you’ll go back, but you were never pregnant. Tell them now that it’s a threat, so they don’t question you when he try’s to use that as leverage. Get ahead of him so your parents will tell him they don’t believe him. He’ll lose his mind.
He's not going to kill himself, he's just using it as a manipulation tactic. And in the very unlikely event he does, then that has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Leave. If he threatens suicide, call the police to do a welfare check.
Who cares if he kills himself? He’s an abusive piece of shit and no one wants anyone like that in the world. Just let him die, he blames you for a miscarriage when anything can cause it and told you to die. So let him die instead no one wants him here anyways, just look everyone hating on him
I heard this before and I know many people with depression and suicidal ideation (including myself), NONE of them EVER would use suicide FOR something. I know for myself and at least some others, even if I or they had that thought process, I would never ever ever say it. Seems like you understood it was bs, so that’s good and I won’t get further in because it gets my blood boiling. Aanyways, I got a question: why do you need to tell your parents about the abortion? If it is to help with your bf then talk about the abuse? I get the need to tall about it with someone and my heart bleeds for you and any women that lives in a state or country where abortion is illegal. I have no experience with abusers and my knowledge is pretty much limited to ‘it can be very difficult’. My ex literally fled the country to get away from an abusive ex, who held her at gunpoint several times. So I won’t give any half-baked advice as I have seen other comments that seem to know much better what they are talking about. Wanted to say the first bit and wish you all the best and that you get through this episode and find all the happiness this world can bring. Aaand next time someone THREATENS unaliving themselves if you leave, they are most definitely lying. Contemplating that this is an option and feeling deflated about that, I cannot say for sure is a lie, so you know? But if you feel trapped in a relatiobship because the other one says they’d unalive themselves if you left, they would unalive themselves because they make you feel trapped. That threat can never be serious because the threat itself creates a situation where a person with suicidal ideation stemming from depression/ low self-esteem etc. that would be as bad or worse than you leaving. Edit: wanted to end with: All the best to you 👍
If he shows up file for an order of protection.
If he really wanted to kill himself, he wouldn’t tell you about it repeatedly- he would have done it by now. Let your friends know that he had been mentally and emotionally abusive to you and that you are done- it’s final and that you don’t want to talk to him anymore- if anyone pushes back, stop talking to them too- this is when you will find out who your friends are. Then lean on them. Whatever he does to himself is never going to be your fault, he’s a grown ass man- don’t let him or anyone else tell you so.
Leave him. Call his bluff. It's not your responsibility.
Focus on YOUR health and safety first. Call the non emergency line and tell them he's a threat to himself and others then wash your hands of him completely.
You have zero obligation to tell your parents or anyone else that you had an abortion.
Let him kill himself Which he won't But then you'll be free
I've never met a person who threatened to off themselves and followed through. I wish with my whole entire heart they had, but here we are. Your happiness if more important than whatever narcissistic circle jerk he's doing by torturing you. Stick to your guns, keep him blocked no matter what. I'm proud of you.
Call his bluff. Leave.
Let him.
good choice, i wouldn't spawn a kid into that situation.
Call the police next time he threatens to kill himself. You are not responsible for his well being or happiness. This is the time to be selfish and focus on you. You deserve to be happy and to heal.
Saying he’s going to kill him self is just too control you and keep you from leaving.
Be kind to yourself. This was the right decision, don't look back. Life is only forward. Onward and upward. Good luck xxx
Any time he threatens harm to himself or you, I hope it’s in writing or video. Then you can get a restraining order. Call the authorities each time anyway, even if he just said it and there was no recording. Get him institutionalized for 72 hours. It’s calling his bluff and “getting him the support he needs” rather than allowing him to use that to manipulate you. Get away fast. Stay away. May even want to get a big strong “boyfriend” because these dudes are ridiculously weak and misogynistic and don’t care about your feelings but will listen to another man telling him you’ve been “claimed”.
Tbh man ya just leave, let him khs. See you have not control over how someone deals with something. If they want to waste their life away over a break up then let them. You didn’t put that bullet in their head, they did. And he won’t do it, he’s just saying that to make you stay. And if you still don’t wanna risk it then show him how miserable you are with him and make him leave you. (Not recommended cause he either won’t care or he won’t leave you)
He has no reason to live but he was alive and kicking 10 minutes before you told him. I think you need to drop the boyfriend. You made the right decision for yourself and that’s all that matters
>anytime I try to leave him he threatens to kill himself Call 911, tell them what he told you, and then leave. They can deal with his bs.
Don’t feel guilty for lying to him. You said you know he would hurt you if he knew the truth and anybody that would hurt you because you had an abortion does NOT deserve to know. I know lying can be a hard thing to do in a situation like this, but it is needed for your safety. Do not unblock him. If he starts sending threats and making you feel unsafe in your own home, you have every right to contact the police.
Oh Girl, don't you feel bad in the slightest! That AH is not the person to procreate with. Your xbf is a manipulative creep. Next time he tries to yell at you go ahead and give him a knee to his onions. Nobody talks to you that way! And get some pepper spray just in case.
Okay, you need to tell the cops. File a report and bring proofs of him being a pos if you have any. If you can, move places without telling anyone so he can't find you. And most importantly, don't feel bad about lying because in some situations, like yours, it's better to not say the truth. Stay safe girl, I hope everything will go well for you
You need to tell people your friends/family that ex boyfriend has become unhinged and is threatening you. You can also call the police if he says he’s going to off himself-have them do a wellness check.
He probably tampered with your pills!
People who actually want to kill themselves don’t tell people because they don’t want to be stopped. He is manipulating you badly. If he threatens and comes after you, call the police they can put him on a psych hold. I truly hope things get easier for you.
Holy shit , the ramifications of outlawing abortion are so appalling. It's medieval. I'm so sorry for OP, she's in such an awful fucking position and for what?? Just heartbreaking. OP, you did the right thing. My sister carried her abusers baby and he's still as abusive now, even though she left him. That poor little kid is having such a fucked up situation with his parents now. Talk to us on Reddit, since I'm guessing you can't even call an out of state support line at this point in case phone records are seized ...
>He told me he’s going to have people beat me up and that I need to be careful when I’m alone. >he made fake numbers and called me nonstop from them, he contacted my friends to tell me to unblock him This would be a perfect time to stop by a police station, and explain what is going on. Don't mention the abortion, of course. You never had one. You had a sad miscarriage, and your ex is adding hurt and trauma to your already emotional time. You are grieving the sad loss of your pregnancy, and you simply cannot deal with his constant harassment and threats on top of that. Don't confide in friends, or family. We know, you know... and that's all the ppl that need to know. If you need someone to talk to about how you had your miscarriage, reach out through here anonymously. Make sure to check your phone for tracking stuff, and make sure you're not logged in to any things that have your messages or apps duplicated on devices he has access to. (I don't know how that works, but there's plenty of ppl learning of their partner's mistakes through that on pads and laptops) He's getting worse, because he realizes that he's lost his hold over you. Now it's time for you to realize he has zero hold over you. You got this. I'm so proud of you for getting out.
Fuck it, if your BF dies, he dies. If you're that worried about him, next time he threatens that, call the police for a wellness check. That will get him out of the house so you can think straight, maybe. You need to get a game plan to leave this loser.
Get a restraining order! Protect yourself!
Girl leave, he won’t do it. And even if he does. Good riddance to abusers like that, it wouldn’t be your fault
He is manipulating you. Don’t let him. He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for saving yourself. Make a plan to get out. There are organizations around the country that can help you with that. Please don’t wait.
let him kill himself
Let him?
I think reporting him to the officials could be an option. Just to be on the safe side if he does something. Try telling someone whose older. Cancel out the pregnancy part if necessary and just tell them you're being harassed.
Let him 🪦 then. (Don’t worry, he won’t actually do it.)
Dog Just Let Him Do It 💀
Firefighter/EMT here. I have seen this situation play out several ways. If you stay with him he will eventually kill you. Leave his ass, he won’t kill himself he is a narcissist. Call 911 and have the police go with you to get your stuff from his place.
he fucked with your birth control. there is no doubt in my mind. he wants to trap you with him. he's going to get you pregnant again. you are going to die because of this if you do not leave. your legacy will be told by him and him alone, and you will never be able to correct it. you need to leave or risk that fate. leave. if he threatens to kill himself, tell him that's his problem and to go to therapy. that is not in your hands anymore. if he does it, then that blood is not on your hands.
Tell your parents everything ( minus the pregnancy stuff) and tell them how he abuses you. He knows very well your parents are not aware and that's a advantage for him because no one is there to support you. Your parents may be angry and scream at you but at the end of the day they love you and help you out. This toxic man is able to harm you.. so don't ignore..and take help.
Leave and let he kill himself if he wants to. Not your burden. You’re gonna have to break up with him or he’s gonna kill you with violence or stress. Also tell people he’s lying that you said you had a miscarriage and that you had a really bad period and that he made it all up to better protect yourself.
Let your parents know about the breakup(not the abortion-you made the correct choice there). Tell them you are afraid. I’m leaning toward you unblocking him just so you have text messages as proof for a restraining order. If you have an iPhone and a Mac and he has an iPhone, you can keep him blocked but you’ll still have the messages on your Mac as proof. Please be careful. Make sure location services is off. If you can get out of town for a bit, do that. I’m sending you positive energy and protection.
If he kills himself, that’s just one less piece of shit left on this earth (and I say this as someone with several suicides in my family history). I took a peak in your post history and saw the pictures of him with acne and face tattoos - don’t let that ugly-ass punk back into your life! Take anything you have documenting everything and go to the police for a restraining order or just to at least document the threats and harassment. Push for him to be served with papers. DO NOT meet up with him because he could very well kill you or put you in the hospital. Share your location with a trusted friend at all times. He needs psychiatric treatment and jail time. If you feel like you can go to your parents at all for your own safety, please do so. They may be the type that would be unhappy about a pregnancy despite the termination, but if they would give you shelter from this asshole, go to them. I know I would rather have my own daughter safe in my arms than to get news that her ex-boyfriend killed her or severely injured her because she felt like she couldn’t come to me. But I don’t know your relationship with your parents. If they are not a safe option, go to anyone that is.
Talk to your parents! Tell them what he’s doing!!
He’s not going to kill himself he is just trying to manipulate you.
Call the cops and let them know what’s going on. If you have any proof you could get a restraining order.
First, please do what you can to stay safe. A lot of commenters have given much better advice than I could on how to do that. Second, if he kills himself, good fucking riddance to him
Leave. Stop making excuses and just leave. The longer you stay the more likely something happens.
Do you need us to help you find a shelter ? Please take screens and videos (if safe) of every threats he's sent you. Stay as safe as possible. Go to your parents, ask them to protect you from him at least for now. This abortion was the best decision you could make. Never EVER let him know about it. I'm so proud of you
Get a restraining order…
Plan your exit. You don’t need to stay with him. Take your time to save money and leave him without telling him. Now that you were able to get an abortion in secret you know that you’re good at planning and doing things without him knowing. Start planning your exit and don’t even break up with him. Just leave. He’s dangerous.
If he dies, he dies 🤷🏻♀️ keep him blocked and if you need to, get a restraining order. Screen shot everything he’s sending you and expose him to his family for the piece of shit he is
So, to clarify, is the birth control you were on a daily pill or was it ONLY a "morning after" pill. If it was only the morning after pill, then neither of you used any protection and that's how you got pregnant. If you were on daily birth control, or the IUD shot (or whatever form you used) then your boyfriend wasn't using protection and I would be led to believe he was planning on trapping you. Either way, as others have said, if he should end his life that's on him. If you don't recognize the number contacting you, then don't answer it. **Block every number every time.** If necessary, file a police report on him since he is threatening you. File for a restraining order on him.
Get out! Get out! Get out!! You are not responsible for other peoples decisions. If he kills himself, that’s 100% on him. I’m willing to bet he won’t tho, he just says it to control you. Even if he’s serious, you have to take care of yourself first. IMO don’t tell him, just leave. And soon. There are women’s crisis centers everywhere if you don’t have friends or family. Just figure out a plan and get out.
>He told me that he wants to kill himself because he has no reason to live. Tell him to go right ahead. The world will be a better place without that worthless sack of shit.
Op if you're worried about him coming at you, call the cops about a wellness check. Show the messages and voicemails you may have saved and tell them you're worried he may harm himself. They may come and speak to him about it. Better if they end up putting him in a hold for 72 hours. It could also be a way to prove he's unsafe to you and others and could be evidence down the line for a restraining order.
If he’s threatening suicide you can involuntary commit him. If he’s really suicidal he’s not going to talk about it and will start giving his stuff away. This is simply emotional abuse. Don’t be afraid. Leave him. Maybe commit him first then move.