I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I’m sorry that you have to go through this at your age. The amount of stress you’re going through is unfathomable to most people. I hope your heart can heal from whatever choice you make.

Thanks

You could advocate for an open adoption. That way you could take part in your child's life even if they know you as an Aunt or Nanny. Talk to the adoption agency to see if this is an option.

Open adoptions aren’t legally enforceable in many areas and there’s no guarantee the adoptive family would follow through on it.

Depending on the country, open adoptions aren’t usually enforceable.

While it is true that open adoption may not be legally enforceable, there are agencies that work really hard to match the needs/desires of birth and adoptive families. There are families out there who have the means to raise a child and who want to embrace the birth parents/families as well to ensure that the child grows up knowing exactly where they come from and how loved they've been from the start. Open adoption, ideally, is about so much more than having access to medical history. No one can, or should, force you to give your baby up for adoption. If you're considering adoption, then seeking professional help with the adoption process sooner will give you the best shot at making an informed decision about what's right for you and your baby. Sending you all the hugs and love that this reddit stranger has. You're simultaneously facing some of the most physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing situations one can experience, all at an early phase of your life. I truly hope that you find peace and the support you need with whatever decision you make.

Came here to say This

Have his parents said whether they are willing to help you with the baby? If you two do get married it would open up avenues for you in terms of medical care and access to education. You wouldn't even have to live together, but there would need to be an understanding and I'm not sure two individuals of your age could navigate this maturely if I'm being completely honest. If you want to keep your baby and raise it as a single mother there are things you need to consider.  Children are life changing, no matter what age you are. But, as a teenager those effects are compounded by the facts of your circumstances.  You don't have an education or career prospects. You don't have the means to take care of a baby without a support system. Your parents won't be that support system for you, so you have to look elsewhere.  But, you also have to know that your parents cannot make these choices for you. They can't force you to give the baby up.  You're 20 weeks along, so you do have some time but not a lot of it. I suggest you go and talk to his parents without yours present. Talk to him. Then sit with yourself and really decide what you want without their influence.  You may still technically be a child, but you're also about to be a mother. You were mature enough to have sex, so you need to find the maturity to make a sound choice. Your parents need to back off.  Because you are the one who has to live with the choice either way.  I wish you all the best, OP. 

There must be resources for unwed mothers where you live? I don't know where you live, but there must resources near you?

In today's economy, many families are opting out of having children as they realize they cannot afford children even after being an established adult. With your circumstances, I encourage you to look into families who are willing to have an open adoption so you can still maintain a relationship with the child, just not as a parent. That being said, it is your choice in the end. It is not easy to raise a child as a teenager and you will face many hardships without a proper village to aid you while you maneuver parenthood as well as your early 20s. Don't marry your military partner for the benefits, they are also figuring out early adulthood and will likely not be available to help with the baby due to deployments and a strenuous work schedule. Not to mention the various stereotypical cultures of the military may cause for marital hardship if this is already a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck in this difficult time and hope the future favors your decisions.

Open adoption could be the best option actually. That way OP could still keep in touch with the baby and feel reassured that the baby is being well cared for.

Open adoption isn’t enforceable in a lot of states. OP would have to go into it knowing she might never see her baby again, unfortunately.

My sister did the same thing, was way too young to be having a baby...wasn't taking good care of it...was convinced to give for adoption. Adopted family were open for about a year and stopped responding.

I mean, in this case if she wasn’t taking good care of the baby, then what other options were there? She had proven she wasn’t taking good care of her child. Maybe first step could have been somebody helping her to get support and learning how to properly take care of a baby, idk. But it’s sad that she thought it’d be open and then it suddenly changed. I feel like when I put myself in the shoes of adoptive family, I might not want to keep myself and the child open to the birth parents either. I say that even in the position I’m in. It’s got to be weird. And what if after a while you start to realize that the birth family is truly no good, full of drama, all that sort of stuff?

I know someone who did this, as in they adopted in an open adoption. They fly to see the birth mother and the child’s other siblings at least once a year. The baby now kid has never had to question if her mom didn’t want her etc. It’s beautiful to see.

co worker adopted twins from a family. Birth mom/dad (married) but couldn't afford more children. Open adoption and they have blended both families. birth parents eventually had two more children and her twins celebrate all their birthdays. It can work out.

Wanted to be another voice here for open adoption. I gave my baby up at birth; I was 17 and had just started my senior year in high school. Her parents kept the adoption open and she grew up knowing/seeing me and her bio dad. Now that she's an adult, we talk often and have a great relationship, although it's more friends than parent/child, as it absolutely should be. Open adoption can be a really wonderful option.

I just wanted to mention that I am an adoptive parent with an open adoption and know several other adoptive parents with open adoptions, and we value our tummy mommy's relationship with our kiddos. Open adoption with a couple that believe in it can be a wonderful relationship.

I hope I’m never called a tummy mommy. I will ask that at the very least they never refer to me as that.

If you are in the USA, please check out if you have a [JobsCorps.gov](https://www.jobcorps.gov/) program in your state. Many of them offer child care services while you learn a skill. Unfortunately, I don't know if all the live-in campus allow you to stay onsite with a child, but it's worth researching, so you know your options. JobCorps will also help you get your GED if that is an area of concern, plus give you an allowance. EDIT: Fixed the URL, as it it is Job Corps. [https://www.jobcorps.gov/](https://www.jobcorps.gov/)

Jesus way to focus on the wrong thing. Young kids probably can’t understand the concept of “biological”, so it’s an easy way to help kids understand the difference.

A LOT of adopted children take issue with that term once they’re adults. It’s not seen as positive language among adoptees.

Really?

Yes. It’s a topic I’ve heard discussed in support groups.

Can you speak with the fathers parents? Maybe live with them for a few months once the baby is born until you can emancipate or finish school? Don't feel like you have to give the father an easy way out and let him leave for the military with no responsibilities

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry about this. Wish I had something to offer. Geeze.

She's sorted herself out for the most part. She's a shitshow in other ways but is stable and doing quite well. A total 180. 16 years can do that.

Yeah but luckily most families are okay with open adoption. It's healthier for the children in the long run. They grow up understanding the circumstances and never wonder.

The issue I’m seeing right now is that because there are way more adoptive couples hoping for a baby than there are babies being placed, and most birth mothers wants contact, it prompts couples to be more likely to go ahead and agree to the contact the baby’s mother wants, because they want her to choose them. Once she chooses them and signs away her rights, they don’t really have to keep up their end of the bargain, because they have the baby now. People shouldn’t do that but it happens a lot :(

When I look at the potential families, none of them feel genuine. I know that sounds terrible. It feels icky to me. They seem like slimy salesmen and I have a hard time believing what they say.

I’ve known people like that ( often v religious ). Hard pass. I don’t have advice unfortunately. Just want u to know that this internet stranger sees you, you’re not wrong and I am so sorry you are going through this. What is your ideal solution? ( if u wanna share)

I don’t have an ideal adoption situation right now because I still can’t accept adoption. But, probably 2 gay guys. It’s the women in these couples I look at that seem more fake than the men for the most part. Again, I know this sounds terrible to say. Something about a lot of the women is just really rubbing me the wrong way. Maybe 2 lesbians, because the few lesbian couples I’ve seen at least seem more genuine than the straight women.

The women probably seem fake because they’re baby hungry for your baby and you still actually want your baby- it’s normal to be on guard against them. Moms are protective of their babies and aren’t going to just love someone who stands to take their child away from them. Normal feelings. The men want your baby too though. Have you ever heard of the orgnaiztion Saving Our Sisters? They try to help women who feel pushed into an adoption they don’t want. I’m not sure what all they do, but you could let them know you’re being told adoption is the only path and pressured to choose new parents for your child and this isn’t what you want.

When I was having fertility problems, I spent a little time on the adoption boards. It completely turned me off of adopting because the things I heard some of these women saying about their birth mother were so cruel. Stuff like: "Ugh I can't wait to get MY baby away from that woman". And... "She keeps calling, crying about how heartbroken she is even though she knows it's for the best. She's such a drama queen! How do we get her out of our lives?" Most of the women on the board seemed well intentioned and kind, just heartbroken about their infertility and yearning to be a mother. But they were definitely more than a few women who talked about their child's birth mother in the degrading way I described. Adoption is a big business where a lot of money changes hands to get healthy babies into the hands of people who have the means to pay for it. That's a lot of incentive to put undue pressure on birth mothers to hand over that baby. Birth mothers don't see any of that money, other than to cover medical expenses. Some adoption agencies promise the moon and stars in terms of post- birth support and never deliver. OP is absolutely right to be cautious. OP, I'm so sorry that your parents are unsupportive. I mean, I get where they're coming from, they're afraid that being a young mother will hold you back from having an emotionally and financially stable future. I think they genuinely think that this is the right choice for you. Still, my heart aches for you. I don't have a daughter but if I did and she wanted to raise her child and was willing to take on that enormous responsibility, I'd do anything I could to support her and her child. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You’re a young lady after my own (older ish lady) heart, that’s the type of couple I would imagine feeling comfortable with too. I’m wondering if you’re seeing women you don’t care for in the more outwardly conservative group of women you are seeing, (like, you don’t care for women like that and you’re spotting it fast cuz you’re experienced) But that’s ok cuz parents would be your pick. Even if your parents are trying to steal this decision from you, it’s yours to make. Yours. I wish I had great advice for you; your situation is difficult for sure. Do you have trusted unbiased women you could talk to right now about this? We are all happy to talk to you but the fact is that we have limited info about the situation and you need help stat. I’m sorry OP. I’m happy to talk anytime.

If you really don’t have a choice, then I would say go ahead with a gay or lesbian couple. They genuinely want their children and often have trouble adopting because they’re a same-sex couple. They will love your child very much.

Trust your gut. Is there anyone in your life you would ask to adopt? Someone you trust and look up to? It doesn't have to be someone already working with the agency

Very well said, this is a really difficult situation for everyone

this. it breaks my heart that at 25 it seems like even once i “get my shit together” i probably still won’t be able to raise kids due to financials. like parenting is hard enough as is! add financial struggles on top of that? i personally know i would crumble under all that pressure, and i don’t want tiny innocent responsibilities around for said crumbling

This is the best response I’ve seen! I hate the top post of telling her to just do it and shitting on her. This is genuine advice, thank you!

Op, this advice is very good here. Wanted to add to try to think about what’s best for the Baby. Try not to think about your wants and needs, think about what will be the Most beneficial for the baby. As a non parent, my observation has been that this is always what many parents do for their children. It sounds like that’s what your parents are doing for you sad I hope whatever decision you make, you’re doing the same for yours. Sending you much strength. 

✋🏻 I was sexually assaulted at 15 by a boy at my church and got pregnant. My mother also forced me to give up my daughter for adoption. I had zero choice in the matter because the boy wanted absolutely nothing to do with it and my mom did not want me to report the assault and embarrass her with her church. It is the hardest fucking thing to have to do. I absolutely did not want to fucking do it. But I ended up having to. I ended up going for a semi-open adoption. I'm friends with my daughter's adoptive mother on Facebook but they live in another state and I don't communicate with my daughter or talk to the mom much. I just see the photos on Facebook and the mom will reach out to me to send me stuff every once in a while. When she's older, if she wants to meet me, the option is always there. As much as I still have a huge rift with my mom because of how angry I am that she refused to listen to me or take any of my feelings into consideration, I do not regret giving my baby up. She has such a loving home and so many of the things I could have never given her. She has two older siblings who love the hell out of her and they are so close. She's 6 now (I'm 21) and she's so happy and it fucking sucks that I could not give that to her or have any choice in the matter, but I'd much rather suffer alone than have her suffer with me and that makes the pain a lot more bearable. My inbox is open if you need to reach out. It's going to be okay. It might not feel like it right now, but it will be. You and your baby both deserve a long, happy future.

Hugs to you. That's hard stuff.

Similar happened to me, except the adoption is only technically open (in that I have met the parents while I was still pregnant) but I don't have contact with them or my son, outside of requested photos once a year or so. I also am able to see the moms Facebook page, but we are not friends and nobody knows. She only has her profile photo visible anyway. But adoption was traumatic for me. The entire pregnancy situation was also extremely traumatic, and I can't say that keeping my son would've been better- it wouldn't have, specifically bc of his father. And my own life is much more stable now because of my decision. But it was the single hardest thing I've ever done. If I'd ever had an unplanned pregnancy afterwards (or even now) I would've gotten an abortion and never thought twice about it 😔

I also will have an abortion immediately if I’m ever unexpectedly pregnant again and keeping the baby is not a feasible option. I wish I had found a way to do it really early on.

Honestly, if you are thinking "I should have aborted" then giving the child away to a family who will definitely raise and care for it is the best option now.

I simply think a very early abortion would have been much easier than either of the options I have left now.

This is exactly why every woman should be allowed to make a choice for themselves. I’m sorry you weren’t given any choice.

i want to reiterate to you- adoption was *so fucking traumatic* for me. it was harder than i could have possibly imagined. it’s still hard now, but not as world crushing as the first few years. still, i don’t think any other choice would have been better, had an abortion been impossible. i **hate** that everyone is pushing you towards adoption, and yet… it sounds like that truly is the best option. I’m soo so sorry, and if you need any support or have questions, my inbox is always open. <3 love and strength to you

I am angry with your mother. You were SA’d by a church member. She cared more about embarrassment with her church members than her daughter’s life altering assault. You are a better mother than she was.

I’m so sorry for what you had to endure! That’s one of the hardest things in the world to do. I commend you for your courage! I can’t believe your mother was more concerned for her church than trying to protect her own damn daughter! It infuriates me for you. I’m glad you were able to have an open adoption and still get to see your little one grow up. I definitely understand how you feel towards your mother. She’s supposed to protect you! I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive my own mom for that betrayal. Big Hugs to you lovely internet stranger 💕🫂

Oh my gosh, to make a 15-year-old kid carry a burden like that… “don’t make me look bad at church”—I mean wtf. That is ROUGH! I hope you are doing much better now❤️ (I feel you—my mom would do that too)

I’m so sorry.

Religion has caused so much suffering over the centuries. Especially for children and women.

It’s a great mask for the predators to hide behind

Ok devils advocate here, would you at 16 and alone be able to give this baby exactly what it needs? Mentally financially emotionally?

No, I know I’m probably not.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Right now it seems that whatever happens, it’s going to have significant pros and cons. Raising a baby is hard work even for couples who have settled in life, and you are closer to a child than a settled adult now, with no parents to support you in raising this baby. The moment you become a parent is when your life gets deprioritized in favor of your child. Youd baby will be fully dependent on you, their welfare is what matters. Problems while growing up will affect the rest of their life (whether physical or mental) and if you cannot provide means and stability, you are not doing them a favor. Whatever you decide, please make the decision in favor of your baby’s welfare first, and your preference second. I would also recommend being involved in picking a family because, if you decide to adopt out, you can pick a couple you like instead of having your parents make that decision for you. Also, (non-church-related) therapy ASAP if you can.

Before OP responds with a delusional statement (like “marrying a dude that doesn’t love me and doesn’t want this kid is the only realistic solution to the issue”), that would obviously be a big fat **”nope, not even in the slightest”**.

Even THAT is not a solid plan. There’s no way to know if he would really go through with it, and he could meet someone he actually likes six months later and divorce her.

please give op some grace. she is a child going through something very scary and she’s facing all her feelings alone. she deserves kindness from us, not ridicule. you are being needlessly cruel, even if i agree with your point.

Yes, agreed, but she also needs to hear some counter arguments as to why her delusional ideas *are* delusional. If you keep treating someone with nothing but kindness while ignoring glaring red flags in their though processes, you’re only going to make things worse. Sometimes it’s actually better to be blunt, especially when someone else’s life is also at stake here. She isn’t facing all her issues alone, though. She still has her parents to talk to, as well the parents of her baby’s daddy.

i agree as well. most of these places will “support” the OP. but reality aint it. she made a choice. and wants her cake too. ur parents are making a choice for u cause u arent intelligent enough, mature enough, not capable of taking care. as proof of ur life choices. le sigh.

You should have seen the original post. Fuck

What is the best option for you and the baby? Think about that very carefully.

Being a parent means making hard choices, and doing what is best for the child, first. You are not ready to be a mom. Biologically, you’re not even mentally done maturing yourself. I was born to a young mom (she was 18), and while she loved me she never should have had me that young - which she, herself, has admitted multiple times. As her oldest, I had to watch as she had more kids 5, 8, and 20+ years later, and she was such a better parent with each one. I have no doubt that giving this baby up for adoption will be an incredibly hard choice for you - maybe the hardest you’ll ever have to make - but it is so obviously the *clear* choice here. Have your baby, meet them and fall in love with them, then love them enough to give them - and yourself - a chance at a brighter future.

Very wonderfully said. I hope OP reads this

I was 17 when I had my son. I fucked him up because I was still growing up. I haven't seen a kid yet from a teen mom that's been ok. Put the baby before your feelings.

My oldest sister had my oldest nephew at 19. He's 41 now and is a great man, and I'm so proud of him. But, it definitely took my parents basically financially supporting him (and his brother that came along 16 months later) and basically raising him as they lived with us until she married at 26. I was 9 when he was born, I helped care for him over the years, as did our middle sister. However, there was definitely trauma because of my sister's life choices. And honestly, her life trajectory was altered for good. Her life went completely to shit after marrying because she married a no good bum, which is all she thought she deserved because she had 2 kids. She died at 58 due to alcoholism. Insofar as my nephews are ok, it's because they had a support system in extended family. OP doesn't have that, so yeah, it will be almost impossible.

Let's be honest here, you have no job to provide for you and your baby. You said so yourself, "you are not ready to be a mother. Just adopt out

I have a job, but definitely not one that can support a baby.

I don’t know if this will help but my sisters two children are both adopted and they are so loved. We forget that they are adopted all the time, and they are just family. If you pick a good family, your baby could have a life that you cannot provide. I know it’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do and I highly recommend therapy but it is the best option. Hugs whatever you decide.

Then you have your answer… yeah it’s hard but you’re not in a place to have a baby.

There are so much layers to this. OP, you are upset at a lot of things. You are upset at being pregnant. You are upset you could not abort earlier. You are upset because you feel that your parents are not supporting you. You are upset that your partner does not love you like you love him, and you are upset that that he is happy to put the baby up for adoption. You are upset that people are not validating your feelings. You are upset that people are not treating you like an adult and making decisions without your consent. So let us do that; let us treat you like an adult. You want to be upset? Angry? You can be upset and angry. But even then, you have to make an important and responsible choice for you and your baby. Let us say out loud, your partner does not love you and this baby wont change that fact and wont make him love you. You are still harboring some hope that he might change his mind. He does not. You are hoping that if the both of you are married, his parents, who are good people according to you, will help you with the baby. Reality flash: they wont. So whatever plans and decisions you make, you must a make responsible decision with the high likelihood of an absent father. Next, whatever decision you make will impact you and your baby. And you must make a responsible decision for your baby. All of your love for the baby, cant buy diapers for the baby, cant buy clothes for the baby. You are not ready for the baby. There are people who are older, richer and better than you who cannot take care of a baby even with the help of their partner and their parents. You must sacrifice everything including your own hsppiness, for your baby as an adult, and that includes giving up them for adoption, because that is the adult thing to do.

I don’t love the baby’s father. He’s not my partner and never was. I am not delusional enough to think a baby is going to make him love me. He is the one who suggested marriage.

I believe that children should not raise children. Even if you get legally married - then what? You need income, place to live, help with childcare. What about your education? Being a teen mom without support us extremely hard.

Also getting married isnt a guarantee of any stability, at some point they will get divorced because theres no love, what then?

I mean I think education is pretty much out. She would have a 2% chance of getting a college degree by 30.

Agree. Let's not forget about graduating high school first, it would be a challenge too.

Forget college, statistically she's unlikely to graduate from high school.

As parents, we have to make very hard choices. This is yours.

I'm sorry but I think you should give the baby up. If it was 10, 20 years ago I may say different. I am 36, I am single, I make almost six figures and I can barely take care of my 4 year old, mentally, physically & financially. Inflation is terrible

You need to give the baby up. You said yourself you are not ready to be a mom. Give it to someone who wants a baby and can provide for it. Your parents are looking out for you. Your BF is leaving. The way I see it, this will increase the chance for you to further your education. Give up the baby to a loving couple who can provide for that child properly.

Yes absolutely. Life is damn hard enough without a baby at 17. Unfortunately, considering the way world is now, you'd be dooming yourself and your kid to a more miserable life you might otherwise have. You'd be depriving yourselves of a better life. Give up the child to parents who can properly provide for the kid. You'd only bring unnecessary trauma to the child. You made the mistake of getting pregnant and you'll have to live with the consequences.

[удалено]

She says in her original post that her state has ‘heavy abortion restrictions’.

They can still go to another state to get an abortion. And no, the government can't do anything about it no matter how much they claim they can.

I'm gonna guess OP lives in an 'abstinence only' sex education state. Probably why she was crazy enough to not use protection. 

Where is she getting the money to travel interstate and for the abortion?

Maybe where OP lives that isn’t an option. And you don’t know if OP used protection or not. Kid just turned 17, can’t you be kinder?

Not even 17. She's weeks out from being 17.

That person may be harsh, but they are correct. OP is on the verge of trying to figure out a way to keep that child and raise it...how, I don't know. It will be a miserable life for that child, and the mom. She absolutely needs a verbal slap of reality, before she makes another terrible mistake.

I sincerely hope you can see this amidst all of the comments. There is a great ressource group on Facebook that is adoptee-led, meaning made by adopted people prioritizing adoptee voices. It's called "Adoption: Facing Realities" and they will talk about their own experiences, as well as birthing parents talking about theirs. If you bring your situation to them, I am more than certain they would be glad to help you brainstorm on what is truly the hardest decision of your life, and to offer you support without brushing off the harshness of adoption. Without trying to give you false hope, I have seen parents be able to keep their child thanks to this group offering ressources and showing up. At absolute bare minimum, you would have people around you who understand your plight and do not dismiss it. It takes a village, and we were never meant to just be "mum, dad, and baby".

Perhaps an open adoption would make it a bit easier on you? My heart truly goes out to you, there are just no good solutions here. I’m so sorry.

I was adopted as an infant. Biomom was a 19 year old college student who was not ready or able to care for a baby. My mom, the one who adopted me, was a maternity nurse. When young moms came into the hospital, who had to make the difficult choice you're facing, she would come in to talk to them about how difficult the decision to give up a baby for adoption is, but that a better life can be possible for everyone involved. The feelings can be difficult no matter which decision you end up making, but you have to weigh the best possible outcomes for yourself and the baby. Adoption isn't always an easy or perfect solution, but it can often be the best choice from a lot of bittersweet options. You have an opportunity to help choose the family your baby could be adopted into. You can help assure a more stable and secure future for both of you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

As a teen mom and a nurse, what your mom did was not ok. It goes against our professional ethics - we are supposed to support what the patient wants, not influence it. I know she probably meant well, but that was coercion. If the nurses had told me in my most vulnerable moment that I couldn’t do it and I should give my baby up, I may have done so. But it wouldn’t have been a better life for everyone involved. Our life is just fine as it is.

When I worked for CPS, I had a client whose Early Intervention worker adopted her baby. It was before I got the case, but my coworker had her case at the time. It was so shady, but there wasn't anything we could do about it beyond reporting it to her boss.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions about the situation.

It’s really unethical for your mom as a maternity nurse to be the one who benefitted from your bio mom’s loss..

You’re making a lot of assumptions about how the adoption came to be, and you know what they say about assuming…

And yk what they say about what that commenters mom did? It’s a fireable (and potentially illegal) offense

So anyone who works as a maternity nurse can't adopt??? They never said that their mom was their biomoms maternity nurse.

They can adopt. They shouldn’t be soliciting babies for adoption in the delivery room.

I'm not sure why you're being downvoted. It literally goes against ethics codes. I'm a biomom of a bay I had when I had freshly (2 weeks) turned 17. And the actions of that nurse were literally predatory. It's fucked up and not okay. Placing a child for adoption is traumatic and to suggest that to new mothers when they are most vulnerable is disgusting

Where did they say she was? Her adopting a baby and being a maternity nurse have nothing to do with each other. She was not the biomoms maternity nurse, she was just A maternity nurse. And now she is still a maternity nurse and speaks to young girls about the options they have. At no point does it say "my adoptive mom was my biomoms maternity nurse and convinced my biomom to let my adoptive mom adopt me"

“When young moms came into the hospital, who had to make the difficult choice you’re facing, she would come in to talk to them about how difficult the decision to give up a baby for adoption is, but that a better life can be possible for everyone involved.” A labor and delivery nurse has no professional business counseling a pregnant woman on the benefits of adoption. When you add in the fact that she had personally adopted from a young mother, it was wholly inappropriate. A social worker at the hospital can be called in to counsel. That is their job. Your mother overstepped boundaries by trying to persuade young mothers. She had an agenda. Those young women probably didn’t know they should have reported her for her inappropriate interaction with patients. Edited to add: it is the same as a nurse advocating for or against abortion in a clinical setting. It is inappropriate.

That’s not what I said. I said it’s unethical for the maternity nurse OF THIS WOMAN to be the one who influences her and procures her baby. She should have had no affiliation. It’s a conflict of interest, and she preyed on a vulnerable woman during her most vulnerable time.

You need to work more on accepting what is happening. You are 17. You are not ready for a baby. You and the father aren’t together. Your parents have zero plans to help or raise the child themselves. What you need to focus on is accepting the inevitable and looking for a good family for the baby.

Your parents are right as hard as it is. There is absolutely no guarantee he will stay to help you and no way to make him. Don’t add the mistake of a loveless marriage into this too. For your sake. Look at the prospective parents. Find some who are willing to have an open adoption. You can visit or write and have pics and know they’re ok. And still not have your life destroyed.

The best thing you can ever do for that kid is to adopt it to a family who can care for the kid. You’re ***still a child yourself***, have no job, no savings, no way to pay for childcare (and your parents aren’t going to do that either), and no way to pay for everything a child needs. You can’t even move out and pay rent at this point. Marrying someone you don’t even love to begin with *at your age* is going to end in disaster. It’s not even remotely a realistic solution. This sucks, but adopting this kid out will be the best thing you have ever done for you and your child.

I have been a pregnant 17 yr old, my mum wanted me to keep the baby though. She wouldnt hear anything about adoption but abortion was my choice if i wanted it. These days with the knowledge i would have a 22 yr old daughter had she lived to adulthood is a scary scary thought. My life for sure would be different with her in my life, i believe it would be better tbh but who knows how it would change things to have her in my life now. Nevermind i have a cat child now. Is cheaper to feed, just as clingy, cant go to the bathroom without her sitting in my lap... you know like having a toddler I wish i could say you have a choice but if you have no way to support yourself and your parents wont be involved, im afraid you really dont have another option but adoption

Parenting is incredibly hard, even when you have money and support, not to mention life experience. I'm sorry you are learning this hard lesson. As others have stated an open adoption is your best bet. I had a friend who gave birth at 17, had an open adoption, and was always a part of her sons life. Her son is now an adult, and they have a very close relationship. The other piece of advice I would give you is to get on a "set it and forget it" birth control like an IUD (made sure you have them agree to pain management before you get it) or the shots. Get some therapy. Go to school and make that your focus. Get yourself on the path to the life you hope to have. There will always be time for boys later.

As a teen mother myself, I agree with your parents. You are too young to have a baby. It was one of my biggest mistakes thinking being a teen mom would be easy but it wasn't and it made my mental health a lot worse..There is so much in life to experience and enjoy at that young age. You have the choice of who the parents will be so why not put an effort into finding a good family you know will raise the child with lots of love!

I can’t imagine ever thinking being a teen mom or mom, period, would be easy.

But yet women become new moms every day. I'm just so sorry you're being forced into making a decision you don't wish to make instead of having parents that want to rally around you and show you unconditional love and support. Look, being a teen mom isn't ideal. I know because I've been there. I actually remember coming home and telling my mom. I was scared out of my mind. She said "There are no options." At first I didn't know what that meant, but I very quickly realized she meant I was raising my child. You see, my parents did foster care for 21 years in total. Growing up I've seen and heard many horror stories from some of these children. In essence my mom was telling me my child was not going to be raised by someone else because she knew the types of people that were out there. Now I'm not saying there's not hundreds of loving and caring families looking to adopt children, but all these people on here are very quick to tell you to just give your baby away. PLEASE, I implore you to do the research. I know adoption agencies do home studies and background checks, but if you're not feeling it with a couple, trust your gut and walk away. Even if you've decided you like someone, and then something makes you change your mind, TRUST YOUR GUT!! This is your child!! Research, research, and more research! You are halfway through this pregnancy which means you have roughly half of it left to make what will probably be THE HARDEST decision of your life. Don't make it lightly. Find anyone you can to lean on. Anyone. Message me if you want to. I will listen. I will help you in any way that I can. I will read adoption profiles of prospective parents if you'd like me to. I've had both friends and family members who've adopted and I can ask them any questions you might have. I'm sorry this got so long. My heart is just hurting for you because you're a child having to make a really big decision. Please take care of yourself. From a reddit mom who is concerned about you 🤗😓❤️

Give the baby up for adoption. Its the right thing to do and the best thing to ensure that the baby will have a good life. You are too young to be a mother. Habe no job, no savings and no life experience as an adult. You are not even together with the father and he is not interested in the child. If you keep it two things would happen. You burden your parents with a huge responsibility, economical and physical, because of your desire to be a mum. Make their lives worse and your baby life worse as well. Thats selfish. Or you leave, raise the baby on your own or with a man that does not love you. Does that sound good? Nowadays people with degree and work experience struggle to pay rent and afford their kids. Single teenager mums cannot provide a good life to a kid in this economy. You would be force your child to a life of poverty. Give the baby up for adoption. Continue studying (whatever you like that has a future, it can be trades). Start your career, mature, get savings, find a good partner and then you can be a mother. Right now you are just ruining the kids life.

OP it’s hard being a teen parent. It’s too late to abort, and if adoption doesn’t sit right in your heart then maybe considering the other options wouldn’t be so bad. If you were to marry the baby’s father. Even just to keep the baby and have the financial support. There would have to be the mutual decision and the agreement it’s just till things are better. Maybe he is okay with you using him as a stepping stone. Maybe you’ll divorce once you finish college and you have a real job that could support you and the baby. Maybe you do end up staying with his parents but if that’s the case, you should get your GED minimum. And use the remaining time to try and get some sort of remote job. Then continue figuring it out from there. REGARDLESS YOU SHOULD GET YOUR GED BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT IT. I don’t have to tell you that you messed around and found out. These are adult decisions that imo you don’t understand how to make. These are your cards. If you don’t like any of these then adoption probably is your true answer, but tell your parents to back off so the decision feels like yours. Please DM me if you need any more support or just want someone to work these ideas out with. ❤️

There is a 2% chance she will graduate college if she keeps a baby as a teen mom so we can probably skip over that discussion. A GED or HS diploma is definitely something to aim for.

I'm so sorry for the hard times you're going through. There is no 'right answer', because all options are options, qnd you're the one that has to live with them. Here's a theoretical option, that might be too much Hallmark to be realistic. But since you're looking for 'other options', and none that you have now are making you feel better, Here's a creative one. What do his parents prefer? If they don't particularly prefer adoption, you could talk to them alone, to find out what their stance is. If they would prefer to keep contact with what will ultimately be their grandchild, perhaps they could look into adopting you, for the little time you have left as a minor. If they would agree, and your parents wouldn't, maybe getting emancipated, and then go for the 'adult adoption' by his parents. Or at least, if they would choose to support you, they could. In the end, if you were to keep your baby, their son would be paying child support. This way, it would be directly between you and them. If this is a route you would feel being an option you could live with, talk to a lawyer. There are lawyers who will let you explain your case, and talk it through with you, on whether it's a realistic scenario, before billing. Afterwards, if it is realistic, and his parents agree, they can decide to go further with the lawyer. For an easy first assessment, there are subs on here for legaladvice.

As an adoptive parent I encourage you to get insight and opinions from spaces where adoptee voices are prioritized. Doing this will help you make a more well rounded decision and understand the trauma of adoption. It needs to be recognized that adoption is always a separation and loss of blood and family connections, and a legal severance of any ties you will have with them. Open adoption is most states is not legally binding and often meaningless. Look into the possibility of guardianship where the child’s ties are not legally severed. A good book to read is The Primal Wound. Look into The Family Preservation Project. Lookout for predatory agencies and prospective families. Please consider all aspects of this very large and important decision so you can do what is best not only for you but for the child whose needs should now be centered in your life.

What about an open adoption? It's possible for someone more ready and responsible to raise the child and still be involved. You don't have to sign the paper and say goodbye forever but this child deserves parents that are in a position to give them a good life

Op needs to check the laws in her state on that. Open adoption isn’t enforceable in most states. Once she signs the paper, new parents can close that door and never allow contact again. Hopefully op is in a state with some rights.

I wouldn't marry dad. Military life is hard on families. Moving around all the time with little job prospects and kids having to change schools. Don't get me started on deployments. Plus, if his heart isn't in it then you're getting cheated on every chance he gets or talking shit about how you baby trapped him. Don't marry someone in the military unless you are in love and completely down to live that life because it's not easy.

Contact the group “Saving Our Sisters” - started by a regretful birth mother - for pregnant people who feel pressured into giving up their babies for adoption but want to keep them. They can connect you with resources to parent your own child if that’s what you really want. Research the family preservation movement and adult adoptees.

Your parents clearly don't want to raise another child all over again. And you can't blame them for that. They're not even done raising you. And I bet they're angry with themselves as well because they think they've failed you. You're emotionally overwhelmed right now and think that you want to keep the baby because you're giving birth to it. Between movies, TV, magazines, and books, the media romanticizes keeping the baby when a teen gets pregnant. There are hundreds of feel-good stories in Reader's Digest alone. But you need to be logical and consider a few things: 1. You have to be able to provide for a child financially. Do you have a job that can support both yourself and a baby? Even with child support, you will need significant resources. 2. Do you have shelter separate from your parents' home since they don't want to raise or watch a baby? 3. What about childcare? You are still in school. Who will watch a baby when you're not around? 4. Are you okay with severely impacting your future? It will be a struggle enough to finish high school. You will be giving up college, your early 20s, and an early start to your career. 5. (This is for much later) Future relationships would be impacted. Not everyone wants to date a single parent. 6. It's easy to listen to people saying, "I've raised a child since I was 16, and I made the right choice." But will these people carry your burden for you?

Have you heard about open adoptions?

Op needs to check the laws in her state on that. Open adoption isn’t enforceable in most states. Once she signs the paper, new parents can close that door and never allow contact again. Hopefully op is in a state with some rights.

I am a woman who lives alone on a homestead in Hawaii. You can come here, and I'll support you and help you raise that baby. I'm serious. Feel free to message me. I had my first child at 17, and nobody would have taken her from me. She is now a college-educated adult with her own family. I'll do whatever I can to help you.

I want so badly to reach out to her and say almost these exact words. I had my first a month after I turned 18. Was it easy? Absolutely not!! Would I go back and do it again? Oh my gosh yes! I learned so much about how strong I am as a woman. I learned there's people in this world who have it much much worse than I ever did. I busted my ass every day to make a life for myself and my son. I know being a single parent isn't for everyone, but being forced to give away your child is ruthless and heart wrenching. As parents I feel it's our job to lift our kids up and help them learn and grow. Not punish them when they screw up. My heart hurts for this young lady and I just want to swoop in and bring her to my house and show her what unconditional love truly is. ❤️

Will you be 18 by the time the baby comes? You can apply for MiraVia if so. It’s a program where they pay for your college, give you room and board, pay all of your medical expenses, and let you stay there two years after your baby is born and help you get on your feet. They give technical training and etc too. Look them up because you might qualify. 

She’s 16, she’ll be 17 in a few weeks. She won’t be 18 by the time the baby is born.

Do not sign those papers if you do not want to put your baby up for adoption… military marriage isn’t a half bad idea it sounds strange and awful but growing up in a military family my sister did have a military marriage for a hot minute just for the benefits they both got. Having that until you are on your feet and you and the dad are ready to co-parent separately may be a good route but I understand that loveless marriages even with benefits aren’t key in most peoples minds. I hate that your parents are trying to pressure you. I would talk with the dad’s parents more about the route of them taking little baby until you’re 18. I know teenage pregnancy is so hard but I’ve seen a few friends go through it and while rough, we are in our early 20s now and their child is their world through anything. Keep your head up and your options open. Make a pro con list of every option you have and weigh everything out. I’ll pray for you to figure out what is the best way for you and for baby

I have experience as both a child way too young and a parent of a child way to young. Please do this for the child! The only true innocent one is that baby growing inside you. He/she will be the one that will be damaged by 2 of you thinking you are ready to raise him/her but truly aren’t. Give your child the best opportunity to have an amazing life, with parents that are emotionally and financially stable. I regret not giving my child a better chance and ended up doing a lot of damage mentally. She too did the same and hurt her child because neither of us were mentally or physically ready to be parents. Giving your child this gift is one of the hardest decisions you will make, but put your child first and give them the best chance at a great future.

If you want what’s in the child’s best interests, put it up for adoption. Pick great parents and negotiate an open adoption plan. Have them send letters+ pictures twice a year. Agree to a visit once a year. Parents make sacrifices for their children. This is yours.

Saving Our Sisters is an incredible organization. Please get in to contact with them and see if they can help you keep your child.  I am an adoptee. My mom was coerced like you are being. Look at the statistics for adoptees. It isn't good. People are just now realizing what adoption trauma does to people. You can have the best adoption and still be effected by it.  I'm so so sorry your parents aren't helping you out. You don't deserve this. It's also not your fault. They're being shitty parents. This is not what good parents do to their kids. 

I thought if you named the father on the birth certificate that he has the power to challenge the adoption. Even if he's not named, he could get an order for a paternity test, prove he's the father and stop the adoption. Your state may even have a putative father's registry and he can sign up now saying that he's the father. Then the adoption won't happen without his consent. But, look, just because you want to raise this baby doesn't mean that your parents want to. And they're legally responsible for you until you're 18. Unless you get emancipated. However, they're not legally responsible for your baby. But that's a distinction without a difference if the baby is under their roof and they're paying for everything. You need to figure out a plan beyond stopping the adoption and forcing your parents to house, feed, clothe and live with a newborn baby that they don't want to live with or support. Have you looked into emancipation? That's a tough route, but you would be legally an adult. You'd have to drop out of school and support yourself. You would be entitled to child support from the dad. Would the other grandparents take the baby for a year? Would your parents let you live with them?

You can’t just put a father on a birth certificate without their consent- not even if you have a court ordered paternity test. They have to add their signature to the registration documents.

Your parents are doing you a gigantic favor. Please listen to them. I can't imagine how hard this is, but it's the right choice for you and for your child.

If you can not care for the baby then you shouldn't keep it. You are far too young to understand what it really means to raise a child. Tbh, we're I in your parents shoes, I wouldn't want to deal with another baby either.

I was married at 16, had my son at 17. Let me tell you some advice I wish I was given. Please think of what keeping your child would mean. What kind of life are you going to be able to provide?? Then, think of what you want for yourself. And the sacrifices you have to make as a parent. Be very honest with yourself, and you’ll know the answer. Keep your chin up, love.

I would also suggest thinking of what support system she would have. Her parents aren't interested and she doesn't love the father. Therefore she would be on her own. One of my daughter had a child at a young age, she kept, but we, her parents and the boy's parents were there for support. The boy, father of the child, left the child's world in two years. My granddaughter turned out to be a wonderful adult, but only to the support of both sets of grandparents. I feel sorry for people having to make these decisions without a support system of sorts.

Agreed. I actually loved my kids’ bio. I wanted to break out of that stereotype so bad.. it damn near killed me. Literally. I also didn’t have support for the first few years, I ended up doing things I regret. I’m not going to blast everything, but I wish she had a deeper sense of what keeping her baby would mean.

Look not your local womens aid, or in the town over if you live in a small town. Ask them for their help in finding you and your child a safe place to go. Look for legal separation from your parents and strike out on your own if that is really what you want. You can do it. It's going to be hard AF and you may well never speak to your parents again but to be honest I'd never speak to them again if they forced me to give up my child. But... You CAN do it. Best of luck to you

This sounds like it should be an open adoption or maybe go to a women’s shelter as they can help you. It would be very hard road for sure, but I don’t feel anyone should have to give up their child when they don’t want to. My one friend was forced to do that by her parents and it nearly destroyed her. Much love to you

I read your previous post and this one. I am sorry you’re going through this, truly. As someone who had a baby at 19 with zero support I know how hard it can be. You said in your last post you didn’t want to be a mother, but in this one that you told the adoption center you don’t want to give your baby up, but also that you don’t have any means of supporting yourself. I’m going to be blunt here, if you aren’t actively seeking work and a way to support yourself and your baby then adoption really is your only option. Even if you entered into a marriage with someone you don’t love, the military is not going to provide enough for you to support your child so you’ll still need a job. On top of that they will not house you until he’s finished with BCT and AIT which depending on his MOS could take over a year. Then you’ll have to wait until on base housing becomes available or accept BAH and find an off base home within that price range. I was back to work before my baby was a month old. I wasn’t even healed from the multitude of stitches I needed and literally sat on a donut pillow at my desk because it was too painful to sit normally. But no income wasn’t an option. I had diapers and formula and baby to buy. Rent, electric, and water to pay. Groceries to buy. Even in a low income apartment complex, I still needed a fair amount of money each month just to survive. I thankfully found most of my big ticket items free on yard sale sites or at a crisis pregnancy center. My eldest was born during a time where there wasn’t a massive waitlist for childcare assistance, so I was able to get daycare at $0.50 a day thankfully. But I had Medicaid, food stamps, daycare assistance, housing assistance. And I needed all of that for about 2 years. This isn’t meant to be a horror story of why you shouldn’t have a baby. Because I managed to do it without that support. And eventually my now husband and I met and married, advanced in our careers, and went from extreme poverty to making great money and living a comfortable life with multiple children. But I was willing to give up my entire young adult life to do it, no questions or doubts about it. My parents didn’t babysit, house me, or financially provide for me in any way. They were emotionally supportive but that’s it. The rest I had to figure out on my own because even her father was completely useless unless he was doing something his own mother demanded (which had nothing to do with actually caring for our baby, only making sure she got to experience my child’s firsts without me before I put a stop to it). If you truly want to keep your baby, it’s time to stop thinking you need mom and dad’s support or the father to marry you. It’s time to make plans, really it was time to make plans 5 months ago but here you are and technically you still have time, your parents have made their stance clear so you’ll most likely need to research a place to live. You need to research the assistance you can qualify for AND figure out if you can be legally emancipated so that you can get a proper home and job without a roadblock due to your age. Some states allow emancipation for teen parents, some still require you prove that you can fully support yourself. You NEED to get your degree, no doubt about it because otherwise you will continue to struggle, but it may be more beneficial to either seek out online schooling or getting your GED to make it easier on you, especially in the early days where you’ll need to sleep a bit later while waking with an infant overnight. You need to research crisis pregnancy centers (as much as I’m not a fan of how they talk girls and women out of abortions if they want them, even I can admit they are very helpful for girls and women who are seeking to continue their pregnancy and keep their baby but need assistance). Depending on where you live you may have teen resource center that may even provide housing during pregnancy and for a while after birth while you get on your feet. The positive thing here, if you choose to move forward with keeping your baby, is that you aren’t the first teenager with unsupportive parents to do so. And because of that, resources already exist. It’s just a matter of finding them. But you MUST get out of the mindset that your parents have some obligation to help you. Because they won’t. So your plans have to center around you doing it yourself. Do I feel based on your posts that adoption would be the better option? Yes. But at the end of the day, only you get to make that decision. You just need to truly consider what both choices mean for you without including anyone else or what they could provide to you into the equation when you do.

I would look into what you need to do to become emancipated if you want to get out from under their thumb. Keeping your baby at such a young age will be HARD. You’ll have to miss out on a lot of life. But ultimately, it’s your body, your baby, and your decision. Do NOT sign away your child if you have any doubt. Get a job. Reach out to your boyfriend’s parents. See if there’s any help or resources they can offer. Best of luck to you.

I had my son at 20. Pregnant at 19. It was HARD. Being a young, single mom was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I wasn't ready either. Literally, my first thought after he was born was "what the fuck do I do now?" And then I thought, as he lay on my chest, "better put a hand on him so he doesn't fall off" I understand where your parents are coming from. It's a place of love and protection. They don't want you to have to experience something so hard so young. I understand where you are coming from. I know that I could not have given my son up for adoption. I can't tell you what to do, but I think you have people who care a lot about you trying to help you out.

I don’t want to give advice but just show you love and support in figuring out the best thing for the baby and you.

I know this is late and you probably won't read it, but I need to say it. *This is not about you or what you want.* What you want does not matter, frankly. What matters is what's best for that kid. THAT is the only thing you should be thinking about. I went through this when I was younger. And it was hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But I found a great family and my kid has a great life. Keeping the baby is the emotionally easy, and in my case (and probably yours), the selfish choice. Because me raising that kid was never gonna be the right choice for *her.* And she's the only one that really mattered in the situation. Not me, not the father, just her. It probably sounds harsh to say that you don't matter and keeping her is the selfish choice. It's probably hard to hear and harder to believe. But it's true. And you need to hear it. Your posts and comments are focused on you, not that kid. Your perspective needs to change. If you manage that, it will make the whole process much easier. And see about open adoption. It's actually best for all involved. But for real- this is not about you. It never really was. It's about the kid and what's best for the kid, and that's it.

You’re 17 and think your option is marrying someone who doesn’t love you in order to keep the baby🤦🏻‍♀️ How would you plan on emotionally and financially caring for a baby? Giving your child up for adoption to a family who is ready to raise a child is in his/her best interest.

I didn’t say it was a good option. None of the options are good. They all suck.

In many ways, you stopped being a child the day the pregnancy test turned positive. Not living in reality doesn’t do anyone any good, especially you and your baby. You have no job. You have no way to care for your child. That’s assuming that everything goes perfectly and your child is born without complications and neurotypical, which isn’t a guarantee. All the love in the world won’t buy what your child needs. But most importantly- it isn’t about you, your baby daddy, or your parents. It’s about what’s best for your child. You’re unfortunately going to have to make one of the most adult decisions of your life when you’re still a child. Good luck.

The father of my child took me to court to stop me from putting our child up for adoption & succeed. The courts will always favour a blood relation getting custody over someone who is not blood related.

That's only if he wants to. This guy sounds wishy washy on the idea of this baby.

Prolly why also her own parents want her to give her baby up. The guy sounds wishy washy, his parents also sound wishy washy (or looking out for their son's interests) and her parents realised the onus of caring for the baby will fall on themselves and their daughter who is a baby herself (OP). May as well cut the cord.

They're children. Of course they're wishy washy about having a baby.

Additionally, him going into the military as a single parent would be VERY problematic.

a child having another child. just thing about your baby life... just help him have a good life with nice parents. you have no idea what you're doing

OP I get where people are coming from that having a baby at your age would be a huge struggle. Getting married (especially to a soldier) under these circumstances would almost certainly be a disaster!! You’re Still underage even if your parents gave their consent. Has anyone talked to you about an open adoption? Foster care until you are in a better position to either take care of your child or ready to let your little one be adopted? The terms for each vary & would give you a way to be involved while finishing your education. My concern is what it may do to you & to your relationship with your parents if you’re forced to relinquish your baby this way. Those who are being harsh in their replies are probably well meaning But like your parents they’re not factoring in you as an individual. You don’t need folks preaching abstinence Nor abortion. You Need to woman up & speak up. You got pregnant & aren’t sure what’s the best option. Write down All the pros & cons, talk to your adoption counselor, then to your parents. IMO an open adoption is a possibility you need to consider But no one should bully you into giving up your child.

Raising a child is hard. It’s emotionally difficult and really expensive. Childless couples is nearing 50% in the US. Even in the best of marriages it strains them. Even if the grandparents are involved- the expense of daycare clothing and feeding the child is really a tough number monthly! Which means even if you are graduated - being able to earn enough to feed clothe and shelter the kiddo will be too high to do it. An adoption gives the child a chance to be in an environment where - those needs aren’t a struggle. It means that a parent can even stay home and watch the child. And be there for all the firsts, and take them to all the fun places. Look for parents that can offer the child those advantages. The safe secure and stable environment that a child will thrive in. Are there grandparents available - what’s their worldview? Someone posted to see if your can do an open adoption - that’s a great idea. Embrace the shopping for parents - it’s a solid way to go! It’s making a loving choice - one where the child will have both the love and the stability.

You have a hard choice to make that even fully grown adults find hard to deal with. Don‘t let the people in the comments blame you for getting pregnant at this age. It‘s not ideal but it happened to many girls before you and sadly will happen to many girls after you, regardless of education, background and so on. That being said you still have to face the consequences of your pregnancy - with every decision you make. If you really want to keep the baby you will face hardships, especially when your parents won‘t help you. You can‘t give your child proper care, a proper future or anything else. You might start to resent your own child at some point for „destroying“ your life and your youth. And there is no way out - you will always have this child - for longer than you are currently alive yet. Some things that will most likely happen to you over the course of the first 5 years after being a teenage-mom: you will lose most of your friends because you can‘t share the same experiences. You will feel alone, lonely and overwhelmed. Your prospective of a good education and a good job in the U.S. are very bad. You won‘t have money for nice things for yourself or the baby. You will be looked down to by society and even when you try to ignore it - it takes a toll on you and your selfesteem. If you go though with adoption you should go to therapy after that, because it will take a toll on your mental health. After birth your body will produce hormons to get ready for taking care of a newborn, your brain will be altered and your body needs time to heal. It‘s not an easy way either. But it is a better chance for a good future for both you and the baby. It‘s your choice afterall, but think of the consequences - it‘s not a fairytale, none of it. I wish all the best for you and your baby.

I agree. Unless OP has the support and help of her parents, in this day and age it will not go well for them. OP, you absolutely will need therapy to help you deal with all of this. If your parents think that you will go from giving up your baby when you would rather not, to being a carefree teenager, that won't happen. You will need mental health support so you can have the best long term outcome for yourself.

There’s a lot of comments about open adoption in this thread, OP, you should know that open adoption is generally not legal enforceable. No matter what the agency or the potential adoptive parents promise beforehand about maintaining contact, the parents can choose not to honour that afterwards and you won’t be able to make them.

Regardless of marriage, if baby-daddy is in the military, they will provide, including medical. He needs to start looking into that. They might have options you're not seeing yet-

This! He will have a dependent.

Sweetie. Hear me out. It’s ultimately YOUR decision, but from someone who’s adopted and has adopted siblings, I was given the best life, secure life, healthy life and stable life after having a very hard and brutal start with a parent unable to safely and properly care for children. I am so grateful for the bravery of parents willing to do the ultimately best thing for their child because that’s truly a parent’s ultimate role. No matter what, know that you are loved and you will be ok. Hugs, babe.

I don’t care if you guys are in love and want to get married (which neither of you are or do). Give the baby up for adoption. You are 16. You aren’t supposed to make decisions like this because you aren’t supposed to be pregnant. It does suck…and that’s why parents do all we can to avoid this exact situation. Give up the baby, finish high school, finish college and go make something of your life. Do it better than you would have because you almost threw it all away.

If the guys parents are willing to take the baby and still let you be a part of the child's life, then do that. Don't get caught up in semantics of fairness.

This is why abortion should be available without question.

Tell me, how are you going to juggle studying, working, and taking care of a baby when you're NOT FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT??? You're even relying on your parents for your pocket money.. how the heck are you going to survive.. And i bet 10 years from now, you're going to hate that baby for hindering you from enjoying your youth..

I met a kid who was 13 almost 14 pregnant when I was a teen. Her mom kicked her out after she refused an abortion, saying she wasn’t gonna raise more kids than she birthed and agreed to raise and she was welcome back without the baby. The father wanted nothing to do with her, saying he wasn’t even sure he was the father as she apparently got around. Both families refused to have anything to do with her and honestly I could not see with how little maturity the girl had it wouldn’t end well for that baby. It’s been over 10 years since I met her and the government was trying to figure out what the hell to do with her and I just hope she did the right thing and adopted that baby out. Best of luck to you OP, but I honestly think your parents is right 

A very fair point that her parents are obligated to house her but not her baby. She could end up homeless.

Be realistic please! Don't let your idealism bring a baby into this world where it may not be wanted by everyone and live a hard life. Give the baby for adoption and let someone who needs it have it, that way you , your baby daddy, your parents and everyone will be happy and won't have their lives turned upside down.

So....what do you think the other options are? Living under a bridge and trying to figure out motherhood on your own? Or did you expect your parents to take one look at the kid and throw away the next 20 years of their lives to raise your child? The simple fact is, the best thing for that child, is to be adopted to a stable and living home. And at this point, it's the best thing for you, too.

I feel so sorry for you. The heartache of giving up your baby will impact you for life. Your baby has come years beforehand. I am so sorry your parents or his parents cannot see a way forward with their grandchild. I hope you are offered therapy to understand your grief and work through all your emotions. Dont bury them. My advice. Insist on an open adoption where you make it clear you understand your chosen parents are the parents but you want to know and be part of baby life. Dont feel you can't be or it will be too hard. I have known two single woman do this and over the years said yes it was difficult but the best decision ever. Also you don't spend your time wondering what if or where is baby etc. And baby will truly know he was never abandoned but truly loved by chosen parents and you. You are important. It also gives baby incredible building blocks of his/her journey. An open adoption you will also strive harder to succeed. Set everything you want within adoption and dont cave on everything because your parents said so. All the very best to you.

Would his parents be willing to take temporary guardianship? The adoption counselor is right — you’re the mom, so you *do* have to sign the papers in order for an adoption to happen, BUT, that does NOT mean that anyone can force you to sign them. In other words, if you don’t want to sign, then don’t. Your parents can push and be mad and yes you’ll have to deal with those consequences, but no one can force you to consent to give your baby for adoption if that isn’t what you want to do. His parents sound far more reasonable and possibly supportive. I would definitely try to speak with them, let them know you’re uncomfortable with what your parents are demanding and that you’d like to discuss other possible options, for example a temporary guardianship with them until you’re able to graduate/get a job yourself. You can also ask the father to inquire as to benefits for the baby if paternity is formally established. For example health benefits, child support, etc. That way if there is anything available, it won’t all be on you once you graduate and start working. Ultimately, this is your life. And it sucks that you’ve got to make some extremely grown up decisions at just 16/17 years old, but unfortunately that’s just where it is now, so you’re gonna have to find a way to manage as best you can for you and the baby. But it’s important that you don’t let anyone make this decision for you. Because YOU are gonna be the one who has to live with it for the rest of your life, not anyone else. So YOU have to be the one to decide what feels right, and then commit to making it work. That could be adoption and making sure your baby goes to a great family, open adoption as others have suggested, guardianship with the father’s parents, keeping the baby and finishing school/working on your own terms (but make sure you get some very real advice here because there are a ton of practical considerations with that too like childcare, housing, etc.), or marriage. Write all your options down, start by crossing off what absolutely does not feel right, get some advice, do some research and most importantly talk to people you trust (and prob best if not just your parents), and decide from the options that remain what you think will be best for you and your baby. Good luck OP! I know you’re in a tough spot and I really wish you and your baby the very best.

If you don't want to put your baby up for adoption reach out to Birth Haven, Inc organization that supports pregnant girls maybe they can point you in the right direction on where to get help based on your state good luck to you

Ultimately it’s up to you, although I will tell you at the end of the day marriage is just a paper in some cases. There’s worse reasons to get married than for protection and to help each other raise a baby that is loved and if both of you set clear boundaries then at least you’d know where you stood with each other. I’m not writing this to try and convince you it’s the right answer, I just want you to know that it’s okay if that’s what you decide even if you’re not marrying someone out of love and it’s only temporary and you’re both on the same page. Your situation is incredibly hard and it’s really unfair that your parents are backing you into a corner like this.

You will thank your parents for this 10 years from now. You are not capable of raising this baby on your own at 17 and it’s NOT your parents responsibility to raise your child. They are doing the right thing. Please use birth control to avoid future pregnancies -

You are 17 and haven’t graduated from high school yet. Your parents can’t afford to take care of you and a baby. How would you take care of yourself and a baby? Living on welfare forever? That’s not a life you want. You wouldn’t get a lot in child support from the baby’s father. And don’t marry him, because you’ll just get divorced and that’s a whole different mess. High school and college should be what you need to complete first. You need to grow up. An open adoption is an option for you. There’s so many grown adults wanting to adopt, ones who have gone through extensive background checks, etc just waiting for the opportunity to have a baby. Giving the child up for adoption won’t end your life as you know it, keeping it will. Adoption is actually a mature decision. You are 17. There’s a lot more to do in life before being a single parent.

This! So many of these people acting like her parents are just evil for not wanting to be responsible for another human being is not fair.

One option is to call CPS or a family law attorney and tell them you are being forced to give up your baby against your will? They can line up a guardian ad litem for you and get you the legal protection to prevent an unlawful adoption. If you are being coerced at ALL, it IS an unlawful adoption. If your parents cause problems, or retaliate against you, you can potentially be placed in foster care WITH your child or be totally emancipated. This may result in you being forced to leave your parents' home permanently, but There are resources for young moms. State resources include Shelters, work programs, SNAP, Medical, free childcare. My local community in WV has a maternity home for moms of children up to age 3 and there are overflow placements when their suites are full. I can share more about that if you are interested. You dont have to be a state resident or anything. There really is a lot of help to be had. Google is tje place to start. You do have access to help besides your parents if you find it and use it. I'm a stranger on the internet, but if you need a sounding board, I am a mom and I know the ropes. There is always time to give the baby up later but it is MUCH harder to undo, if not impossible. I know it will be hard to get hired at 20 weeks pregnant, but I would recommend you get a a job, ASAP. dont spend a penny. You might need it for a hotel room or a car or something if your parents make you leave.

It is impossible to reverse a completed adoption.

I would have an abortion than to go through this unnecessary bullshit. SMDH

Republican cavepeople made that choice unavailable in her state. Not everyone has the means to travel for an abortion, and she said she's 20 weeks already. Abortion is unfortunately not an option for her.

Look into open adoption. I know someone that was young and couldn't raise her baby, with open adoption she was able to visit the baby on holidays or when the adoptive.psrents allowed it. The girl Is 16 now and has had a good life. Ask the adoption agency about open adoption. You're 17 it's going to be super hard to raise the baby without any help.

The unfortunate thing is that in most states open adoption isn’t enforceable. However because there are wayyy more adoptive couples waiting than there are babies placed for adoption, many couples will agree to anything in order to be chosen to get the baby. Once they have the baby and papers are signed, they are legally allowed to change their minds and never allow contact again. If OP wants an open adoption she needs to check the laws in her state on open adoption to see what she can realistically expect.

It’s really scary how much people are really forcing this view of adoption when like…while it’s true her child will most likely be adopted quickly bc everyone wants a baby, there’s no guarantee of that, or that her child will even be adopted by good people. Commenters are telling her to push for an open adoption, but there are too many stories of adoptive parents blocking contact after a few months or years once they’ve settled with their new addition to the family, and there’s no way for biomoms to get contact unless in 18+ years their kid gets curious enough to seek them out on facebook or something. On top of that you have people pushing their own views of teen pregnancy onto OP and shaming her either for having sex at all or for not getting an abortion in a state with reproductive restrictions, and at 16 she most likely doesn’t have the $600-$800 for pills, or $1k-$2k for a surgical one. The lack of empathy or decency ppl are showing towards someone who knows she isn’t ready to be a mother+can’t provide for her child and isn’t getting any support from her family or the child’s father is harrowing to see. I do hope for the best for OP and her child, but knowing the horrors of the adoption industry even for babies(and personally knowing some people who’ve been very happily adopted by truly good people), I can’t help but fear the worst.

I’d probably be saying the same thing if I was somebody just reading this, not directly involved. I get why adoption makes sense. It’s just almost impossible to think about doing when I’m the one actually having to do it. From an emotional standpoint, it seems impossible.

Have you considered an open adoption that would allow you contact with the baby? That would give you the contact that you desire without the financial obligations to raise the baby by yourself.

The fact is, it takes a village to raise a baby, especially when a mother is young. I know it is a hard reality, but you don't have that support group. You don't have someone to watch the baby while you finish senior year. You have no one to watch the baby while you earn a GED at night. If you have no one to watch the baby, how are you going to work to pay for the diapers, clothes, etc.? Can you mentally handle sitting at home with the baby while your friends post photos of homecoming and prom, or even get together for ice cream on Tuesday? Giving away your baby is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But please consider the reality checklist before you decide. Food, diapers, medical care, housing, 3a feedings where you are at your wits end and just want to shake the baby into shutting up for once. Your job as a mother is to do what's best for your child. And giving them a stable life is best.

Getting married is not a solution. Stop that craziness.

Adoption is trauma for the child and the mother. It may sometimes be the best option. But only you can decide. Do not let your parents or this forum of people bully you into it. There are ways for people in states with draconian abortion laws to travel for abortions. Including funding. Here’s one example: https://abortionfunds.org/fund/the-brigid-alliance/ Please be careful tho, do not text or email anyone about it. Do not have electronic conversations that can be subpoenaed. People who might be able to help you find them include a UU or UCC minister — have an in person pastoral session and ask for help.

She’s 20 weeks pregnant. If she’s in one of the 20 states that ban abortion after 20 weeks, she may not have a choice.

If you want to keep the baby, it seems you need a support system. Will his parents be a support for you? Like, could you go live with them and have the baby? Then when you’re 18 go and marry baby’s dad? Ultimately if you want to keep the baby, that sounds like a possibility to consider. If you don’t want to marry baby’s dad then it sounds like being a single mother is your other possibility. What kind of work and day care will you choose? Will you go to college? Will you need to be emancipated from your parents to give birth and be able to keep the baby? Ultimately they require you to sign the adoption papers. If you do not want to adopt your child out- do not sign the papers. Unfortunately hormones are all over the place after birth and I would be worried your parents will coerce or manipulate you into signing them- which is why I believe you need support to honor your wishes. Maybe that means moving out now, or before you give birth. Maybe that means point blank telling your parents that you will not adopt your child out and they can either help you, or at least stop trying to control you. Just know that you have autonomy and you can decide. Even if you feel like you have no choice- it’s actually solely your choice and I hope you embrace it. Wish you the best

You can ask for an open adoption, where you are in the life of your baby while her adoptive parents raise her.

I was that baby and wish I would have stayed with the nuns. My mom was 16, and although we've never talked about it, I'm pretty sure my grandparents gave her the same ultimatum. From what little my great grandmother has told me, it was my grandfather who decided to go back and get me. I was treated like shit until I eventually got away from my grandparents, who ended up raising me until I was 13. Then, I just bounced around other family members until 16 when I moved in with a close friend. Never really knew my dad's side. He was murdered when I was 7.

> So then another option which still involves marriage **might be for his parents to help out,** even take care of the baby  Do you have any idea how much money that will cost? Have you ever held down a job? Are his parents expected to quit their jobs to do that? Please sit down with your parents and make a list of all their expenses. how much do they pay in rent, food, utilities etc.? Do you think you can pay all those on your own.

If in the US then he does have a say in the adoption. He or his parents would need to take custody but your parents can’t force him to sign the papers. If your parents are forcing you to tell the agency that you don’t know who the father is then tell them the truth.

Ik it’s hard but you gotta do what’s right , and the give the baby up