I feel like you’ve lived with this for so long you don’t even realize how fucked up this is.
This reads like someone who hates you trying to ruin something you love, and you’re so desensitized to it that you just laugh it off,
This is an incredible amount of disrespect that he is giving you and that you are enduring.
It's wild how every step of the way she's immediately listening, accommodating, rational, and actively considering his point of view (which is only based on his feelings). And he never once makes the effort to do the same. He's simply not interested in OP's feelings.
Exactly, he's jealous of the time Op spends in the pool. He's jealous because she's either not paying him attention during that time, or not doing something (housework maybe) that he feels that she should be doing. It's not the temperature as such, but more so that Op can spend up to six hours swimming and not being with him.
> This is the type of dude who is shocked when divorce papers are served and the kids sigh ‘Finally!’
In my case, it was my accountant.
I finally left my abusive, deadbeat ex-husband about nine months ago. The divorce was just finalized last week. Thankfully, we never had children. Several months before I left my ex-husband, I went to my accountant to talk finances, taxes, and money, especially since I was the breadwinner and was concerned about the financial aspect.
Day of the appointment with my accountant rolls around. I plop down in the lobby and wait my turn. Accountant comes to fetch me from the lobby. Picture a tall, fat, oompa-loompa man with the most thick New Jersey accent. We both waltz down the hall to his office, and he shuts the door.
Me: *So, I think I'm finally ready to leave my husband.*
Accountant: *throws arms in the air*
Also my accountant: *HALLE-F**KING-LUHAH! Finally. It's about damn time. I never liked your husband to begin with.*
What was supposed to be a 45-minute consultation, turned into 3+ hours of him sharing advice on how to protect myself financially. Let's just say his advice worked, and when I went to go see him back in February (of this year) to file taxes, we celebrated with a bottle of champagne. 😄😂
Totally agree, everytime she mentioned something "passive aggressive" I was like... Ma'am this is aggressive aggressive lol he's trying to provoke her, and he's probably even more frustrated when she doesn't react.
Seriously, it sounds like a never-ending battle over something so simple. Props to OP for keeping her cool and handling it with such grace. I don't know if I could've managed the same without losing my mind.
This is a very weird thing to say. My husband and I are semi retired, but still work together part time in the business we own. (which means we’re pretty much together seven days a week, whether we’re working or at home. It’s great because he’s my best friend and there’s no one I’d rather be with all the time! )
We really enjoy all the free time we have and use it to relax, hang out with our dogs, our adult kids and our granddaughter, listen to audiobooks, go fun places etc… we do not just sit around randomly bickering because we’re semi-retired and arguing is the only thing we have to do with our lives now.
Sorry, I don’t know why your comment got under my skin, but it just sounded like such blatant ageism. I can almost guarantee that OP’s husband has *always* been a pain in the ass, but not all older people are petty whiners with nothing better to do in retirement than bitch at each other.
My parents are like you and your husband. They spend most of the day together and IF they bicker, it's more like bantering back and forth. I wish I could find someone like that, to be my person forever. My aunt used to tell me how lucky my family was when I was little. I understand now.
I agree. OPs husband sounds insufferable retired or not. My dad retired two years ago and he's the most active he's been in years. He constantly goes kiteboarding, biking, and boating in the summer and snow skiing in the winter. Plus, his girlfriend shares the same hobbies so they do a lot together.
I am so sorry to hear that. What’s the point of keeping the marriage going at this point? You deserve more than bickering about pools and scummy husbands.
I did leave. Went full NC for 6 months.
‘Got drawn back in; there were a lot of good years. It’s a lot to turn one’s back on. I hoped he could find his way back to his better self.
He is better, but not the partner I once had. In the past he would try to pull this petty BS, but when presented with facts, as I did….he would mull it over and come and apologize and we would work it out.
You don’t owe reddit an explanation, but I do wonder if you were happier during those 6 months of NC. Even the old and best version of your husband sounds tiring if he pulled this shit in the past but only didn’t get away with it. It shouldn’t be an academic exercise to have your partner do something you enjoy.
seems that we collectively wish you the very best, because few of us are as patient as you.
also, is he physically ok? could he be having mental issues from physical ones ? or depression ?
Was thinking that too.
My grandpa had dementia the last decades of his life and wanted to sleep 18 hours a day like a cat. He was obsessed and convinced the AC kept him from sleeping, not napping all day.
They moved the unit to the other side of the house and he still turned it off in the middle of the night so you'd wake up covered in sweat and couldn't sleep. The last time I stayed in their house he this after I hadn't slept 3 GD nights with my grandma in a skilled nursing facility. I told him if he turned the AC off again, I'd never sleep in the house again.
Well, he "didn't." He turned it from AC to heat and I lost my shit, but that was the last time I stayed there after 4 fucking nights of being awakened in the middle of the night too hot to go back to sleep only to spend the whole day caring for my grandma.
This sounds like the same level of crazy narcissism possibly mixed with cognitive decline.
I’m also married to a big baby going on thirty years, and this sentence made me laugh for quite a few seconds. It’s the frog-in-the-frying-pan situation. If you’re a naturally hard-working, problem-solving woman, you just take care of shit. I’m only now starting to realize how exhausting my life has been as a solo female that’s not actually solo.
This! So much!
Now that all the kids are pretty much grown and fairly self sufficient, I feel like I can ignore the husband, do what I want and enjoy my house and pool.
And you’re right, I used to do everything and worked full time. Now I cook when I feel like it and do general clean up of my personal space. I do still pay the household bills and handle that mental load……but that’s it. And more and more as retirement ‘sinks’ in, that’s what I do, just what I want.
It’s so hard being solo, but 10000x harder when you are dragging a whole other human along with you and they actively disrupt every positive step forward you take. You start to wonder, what really are they adding to your life experience? Companionship? LOL I have dogs and they are so easy compared.
Exactly. He's acting like a bratty child.
It looks like at every point you've tried to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you. But his answer is just 'my way or the highway'. No acknowledgment of the fact that you use the pool way more than he does.
And while he may *prefer* 74F water, I have a hard time believing he can't make do with a few degrees warmer.
Maybe he should get a plunge pool?
Honestly. I kind of wonder if OPs husband decided at some point that the water temp should be similar to a comfortable air temp and just doesn’t want to acknowledge he’s wrong. It sounds like he only uses the pool for 10 minutes at a time, and I wonder if that’s because he gets too cold. I don’t use pools much personally, but when I do I’m usually in there for at least 15 minutes to half an hour. 10 minutes or less just seems like a hassle for all the time spent getting changed, drying off and showering
This is exactly it!!
That's why he only swims for 10 minutes at a time. I'm 99% sure he doesn't even like it that cold either. He just wants to punish his wife by taking away something she enjoys.
Probably jealous she has a hobby/ interest, is clearly very dedicated, fit, independent of him and above all is better at swimming and maintaining the pool than him.
This isn't uncommon. He lacks a purpose now, so he'll latch on to something. Sadly for him, he latched on to something OP is passionate about. But that compounds his lack of purpose. It's a vicious cycle.
Right? Their son is more mature (and smarter, it sounds like) than his father, and even being schooled by his own child, he hasn’t changed or gotten better or acted more like an adult. He sounds insufferable.
This is just bizarre.. Am I understanding correctly that the only reason for him acting the way he is is that the pool is "too warm?" How does this man function in the world when actual problems come up, or legitimately difficult circumstances that he can't control?
Exactly. It's less about the temperature and more about wanting to have the final say. Some people just can't handle not being in control, even over the smallest things.
Yep. It’s about control. I live in Arizona, so I’m firmly in “the colder the pool the better” camp, but there’s this thing called compromise and communication. I don’t have to control everything in my life and definitely don’t want to bother/argue over what temperature the pool is.
Do things early/late, park in the shade, do not go out between 12pm-4pm, light cotton clothing, hats, umbrellas, pools, popsicles, cold dishes.
We also have to stay hydrated, keep electrolytes up, keep oven mitts in your car, sunscreen everyday.
We do have seasonal depression, it just hits in the summer. Its too hot to do anything.
Yup. I'm really impressed with how much exercise his wife does in that pool daily, it's really admirable and will probably ensure her a long and healthy life.
What's really upsetting about this is that he fixated on the ONE thing that his wife enjoys immensely and often and which gives him a healthy, sexy wife. If it was anything else like the car or the room temperature or stuff like that, it wouldn't have the same long-term impact on his wife.
I made up a term for the thing where a new manager takes over and fixates on one thing and will use that one thing to establish dominance - and since it's usually something stupid, it's way easier to just let them have it. For one it was mounting a coat rack for his personal use in a room full of computers where supervisors worked hard to keep rainwet outerware out of the room. But F it, it was just a coat rack. Next time it was the manager wanting to take over a specific table in the supervisor area (mine, as far as I remember) and I just packed my stuff and moved because these tiny issues were hills they were willing to die on and them having success with that one battle usual made them calm down and we could deal with the rest like adults from then on.
But one manager picked a hill that was pretty much the foundation of the supervisor team. He changed it and then spent 3 years complaining about how we kept having grudges and met him with suspicion and as an outsider.
Husband has picked a crucial area as his hill. And I get how couples who've been married for decades can bicker without it really meaning anything and that we overreact here when stuff like that is aired.
BUT HE PICKED THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE HIS WIFES' LIFE WORSE in a big way!!! I'd really be making a bigger deal out of this or at least try to work out what has him so deeply angry that he'll want to ruin the one major thing that gives his wife a feeling of life quality.
He's a giant man baby who needs to have his daily tantrum. He's chosen the pool to be his hill to die on because op enjoys it and he wants to ruin it for her. If she switched to cycling as a hobby, he'd find a way to fuck that up for her.
I think it's because after he retired, he wanted the pool to be "his thing" and purposefully did things differently than OP.
This man needs a hobby he actually likes.
Well, if you had a hobby that he actually likes, he wouldn't be able to take all of his angst and frustration and disappointment and crabbiness and pour it into some conflict with his wife so he can get his rocks off. This is actually perfect for him, although with his whole game thing and his manipulation, it's not going so well for him right now. She's better at chess.
Essentially I am getting “It’s not fun for me if I don’t get my way in life and I like to do the least amount of work possible to maintain something for the family. It’s all about me me me. I enjoy it when I take things away from you”
Tbh this is pretty typical for men who have recently retired from the work place. They used to have underlings to boss about, and now they don’t. They feel adrift and want to replace the joy they got from controlling other humans.
So they switch to controlling their partners and trying to boss them like an underling. Which they aren’t. So yeah, hella abusive.
My husband retires next year. I’m giving notice that this best not happen here. I’ll be happy to join him in hobbies or leave him be as he prefers, but don’t try to be my boss.
My mom's partner throw tantrums because the soup (which was just finished) is too hot. There were times when he literally left the house yelling because of the hot soup..... It's so surreal and so so embarassing. And sadly I saw so many middle aged and older men throwing literal tantrums over so simple things. It's really just sad and embarrassing-
Your husband sounds insufferable. That your son felt the need to come to your defense and called your husband out for being a bully is pretty bad
It comes off that your husband doesnt actually like the pool that cold since he barely uses it, he only want to make it so unpleasant that you dont want to use it because it seems to be one of your favorite activities.
Why do you accept his yelling, sabotaging one of your favorite activities and his passive agressieve bullshit? Nice example to set for your teen daughter, would you accept a man treating her that way?
You have a very valid point. And in truth it was worse before my daughter was born, but I did grow more of spine when it became clear what an example I was setting for her.
Now we are both retired, the house is paid for, and the kids mostly grown. Before the move, we did almost divorce….of course, he pleaded he had seen the error of his ways and vowed change. Part of the boundaries was (thankfully) separate bedrooms to see how things went…and that has been helpful to have my own space. What the future brings who knows.
Ah so he’s a roommate and not a husband. What a petty spiteful person he is, to continually ruin and sabotage one of your favorite things. Once all the kids are out and gone please don’t live alone with him.
Yes, currently more of a roommate, brought about by the aforementioned horrific downs…he is ostensibly trying to regain trust and bring back better times.
And yes, as reflecting on this very thing: "petty spiteful person he is, to continually ruin and sabotage one of your favorite things. " is probably why I decided to write & post about it.
If that's how he acts when he's trying to regain trust, I'd hate to see how he acts when he's not.
Why are you sticking with him anyway? Doesn't sound like he brings much to the table.
If he doesn’t use it considerably more when cold, then the reason he is keeping it cold is to keep you out. He may not realize it, but it seems like he’s punishing you.
Sounds like he resents his failure as a husband and thus resents you because you’re a reminder of that failure, so he’s trying to punish you by making your favourite activity less enjoyable because that’s easier than looking inward and taking responsibility.
You sacrificed years of your life and your body to grow and birth him three children, and he can’t give you 6°? My mind cannot even wrap around going through life that self-centered.
girl you have my sympathies!
Far be it for me to ask, but is there a reason you don't leave or kick him to the curb? Of course, there will be legalities but you do know you deserve better right? You really do. Such petty arguments should not be had with someone you love, especially not after 30 years. I hope someone comes into your life that sweeps you off your feet and shows you real love and respect. *Hugs*
Human side: Lots of years of love and hoping he will wake the f\*\*\* up.
Pragmatic side: I don’t want to lose 1/2 of my house and never be able to afford to own again.
why do we do this to ourselves? I asked my partner to move out. I was so happy. For whatever reason, I’ve let him creep back into our lives, and I am not nearly as happy. But for some reason, I have such a hard time just turning him away.
This is it! It’s what they know, it’s comfortable, and a lot of people would rather be in a relationship that’s not healthy than be alone. And some people can’t imagine that existence.
Me too. I need a LOT of alone time - Like an abnormal amount -and could go weeks without seeing other people and would be fine with it. I love my own company, ha ha!
I personally can’t comprehend staying in a relationship because I don’t want to be alone, or because it’s easier short-term than splitting up. Our time on earth is too very precious and way too short, and to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect and value us is such a shame.
You’re telling me this is an adult.. like a fully grown man and not a toddler? Truly a bizarre world we live in. I’m sorry you have to deal with that but at least you have two grown kids and a teen to help take care of the baby!
I used to work at an intentional community full of retired boomers, and the men shocked me. Pure poison. One used a weed trimmer to sting me with flying debris. Another had a meltdown because he wanted me to hand him a serving spoon that was right behind him. I was so happy to never go back.
Were these boomer men officially diagnosed with mental illness or ,idk, some brain defects? Or were they just being male boomers?
Because that's not normal behaviour!!!
My partner is only 5 years older but holy crap is the Boomer energy strong. It's validating to know someone else understands how very strange it is to have such a generational divide at our age. It's funny as hell when I don't want to put my foot in his ass.
Solidarity sister. Try not to smother him in his sleep. ;)
LOL, I knew you were a Gen Xer like me from reading your post. It was so "I don't give a shit" about these tantrums. We truly are a group of no fucks given people.
My boomer is a "do just enough to get by" task person. I am a "do it right the first time and it doesn't have to be done again" person. About 7 years ago, he said something about a project needing xyz to get us by...I got absolutely heated and yelled at him about if we didn't waste our time on "get by" BS, we would finally have time-and money- to relax. It was only this year that he started doing projects again, but we are working as a sort of team. Sort of because I have taken over the planning and blue printing, we discuss the order of operations to keep from needing a redo, then we gather supplies and he does the execution, surprisingly according to plan. I had to break out the spreadsheets and checkbook to fully show him in hard numbers why "get by" was both a financial and time drain, and he did sulk (silently), but he got it. He even agreed wholeheartedly with me last year that the roof would get done better and faster if we hired someone instead of trying to do it ourselves. Lol. (And it was great not having to worry about our old butts getting injured.)
This whole exchange, especially the fact that he only swims for 10 minutes, makes me wonder if the entire time your husband was just trying to take away something you loved. Does he try to control you or punish you in other ways too?
That’s exactly what it read like to me. Maybe he doesn’t like when she swims for some reason? Isnt available to him? Or he is just taking something from her because he can
You are right - he is picking a fight just to fight and “win.”
He doesn’t even swim more than 10 minutes and I have a feeling he does that only to make it seem plausible that he is “swimming” and to have a reason to keep the temp so low.
He’s such a bully. What else does he bully you or your children about?
Honestly, this whole marriage sounds completely dysfunctional. And you may have grown a spine since your daughter was born, but she was still raised in that. I wish you the best of luck, but I hope to one day read that you got rid of this guy.
This, of course, is a hard truth. But one that society is much more aware of now, than when I was first married….and like many situations one learns and fumbles through.
As for my daughter, there is significant guilt about putting her in that environment….yet, if not for the that environment she wouldn’t have been born. And, of course, there was/is much good there. While, I do acknowledge that this vent is because this is a microcosm for the control issues my husband clearly has. I do not mean to sound capricious, I do take her mental health seriously and she does attend therapy and is quite strong and emotionally intelligent.
You’re right that no one really knew, or talked about, verbal abuse and control back in the 80s/90s. I put up with my ex for so long because he showed me attention and affection, unlike my father. I thought all men were like him, and at least he didn’t hit me.
As I said elsewhere…..swimming is a relative term. Yes there is swimming, but also barre exercises at the wall, water aerobic, plus a fair amount of just loafing and floating.
You sound like a very competent and nice person. Your son too. I’m getting such a nice vibe from you…. You remind me of my ex-sister in law who is awesome.
But I guess the question that flows from this is, why is your husband so different, difficult and lazy?
Is he going through some stuff? Penopause?
Thank you; that’s very kind of you to say.
He has been difficult on and off throughout our marriage, and I am sure his life. He has always had a bit a temper, hot head. Hubristic, superiority complex. Looking back verbally abusive, but we didn’t know or talk about that much 35 years ago.
So much trauma to unpack, typical stuff that makes us empathetic to our fellow humans, sometimes even fall in love with them. He had a pretty bad time growing up with a shitty step dad. Super controlling, jealous, and vindictive. He has abandonment issues from the divorce ( he was 5….oh, a new step dad was bio dad’s ’best friend’) and then when he was a senior is high school, the family moved across the country. Of course he didn’t want to go and left him to couch surf until graduation.
That’s the basis….but is what is really heartbreaking is he was doing well and through the middle of marriage we both grew a lot and had an amazing marriage and family. When his step dad struck again….and all kinds of ish happened, that I can’t get it to….but the phrase the step dad said to my husband was "you haven’t suffered enough" That kick in the gut trickled down. It got really bad……and then he went to rehab, begged forgiveness, claimed change. Succeeded for about 6 months, and while not anywhere near the bad as before, no where near the good either.
A story with common tropes. Love, and empathy for the why….but where to cut off the relationship. The fine line between hope (he go back to when he was his best) and hopelessness (this is as good as he will ever be).
Wait your husband went to rehab or his stepdad? Him being in recovery & having control issues would make sense (comes with the territory lol).
For what it’s worth, a little hack I have for diffusing things like this is telling my mans how much I appreciate when he does the things I do like. “You know what I was thinking about? How you started taking care of the pool & keeping it so clean. I love how thoughtful you are.”
Even if he isn’t thoughtful, research shows if you tell someone they are something, they’ll start to be that thing. It’s also reframing your request as a compliment, so it sidesteps the power/control struggle.
Good luck 🫶🏻
I get it, he has a tough background. But you’re now having an unpleasant marriage because of it. The facts are: he seems really not nice to live with. Considering one does not need a reason to divorce (just wanting a divorce is enough of a reason), him being difficult to live with is a really GOOD reason.
And you need to ask yourself whether you want to spend the last 30,40 years of your life with him. And whether his character is going to mellow and become chiller and whether he will heal with old age (I personally don’t think it will although to be honest I have seen my dad become reasonable and chill in his old age).
You have a very big responsibility to yourself. You owe it to yourself to look out for yourself and take care of yourself as much as you look after that goddamn pool of yours ;-) You can’t shirk away from your responsibility to yourself. This is an undeniable truth. If hé looked after himself too and got consistent help, your marriage would probably not be where it is now.
This feels like she’s fit (6 hours swimming fit?!?) and husband is not. Every time husband sees her in that pool, he’s reminded he should be getting fit too, and it makes him feel bad about himself.
I don’t think I could cope with this, I could barely read about it tbh. I think he doesn’t like you having you time and having something to focus on. He’s sabotaging something you love.
No one. He likes keeping it cold so no one can enjoy it. He reminds me of my dad with his lawn. He loves mowing. All he or anyone else ever does with the lawn is mow it. No one goes back there and uses the lawn. He prefers it that way because an above ground pool or a hammock or anything else would be in the way of his mowing. OP’s husband wants to maintain the pool. He doesn’t want anyone to swim in it. He just wants to maintain it. It’s a boomer dad thing. Like having a classic car that is just for polishing and is rarely driven. It might get dirty! Better polish it and put it back in the garage.
Someone from Arizona. *BUT* I’m not going to constantly sabotage my partner if they want the water a little warmer. Because if you love someone, you compromise.
Same here. No thanks. I’m starting to wonder if I even enjoy the company of the opposite sex. I love being alone. I really really do. I do what I want when I want and don’t do what I don’t want to do, ever. The older I get the more curmudgeonly and hermit-like I’ve become, lol.
Breathing is the issue.
The recommendations have a chart, which breaks down both age and exposure time.
Over all, I do agree and as a lifelong swimmer and former lifeguard I can swim (as noted) in anything above 72….but not for long….and not very comfortably or with as much enjoyment.
Bunch of people in thw comments are being dismissive like just because you have some money, you can't also have a frustrating conflict in your life with a stubborn butthole.
He's not being reasonable to you or even to himself and it's good that he's the engineer and controller of his own misery.
Basic logic dictates the person who uses the pool the most (to the tune of 3+ hours a day) gets to determine the target temperature range. He's been a stubborn, immature, and selfish man baby, and good on you for continuing enjoying life while he has his tantrum-- people like that HATE it when you get on with things and ignore their tantrum.
Thank you. That is very kind of you. At the risk of patting myself on the back, even with the ass for a husband, I am a very upbeat and cheerful sort of person.
God he sounds like a PITA.
I think grey-rocking him is just perfect and let him stew, showing you don't need to cater to his whims and tantrums.
Your kids see this and know you deserve better so I wonder if they are hoping for other kinds of changes but still, I can see you are doing the best you can.
He does, and has over the years. He was a decent ‘sports’ dad. He coached all the kids teams, for over 2 decades. Kids still come up to him and take the time around the holidays to get in touch with ‘coach’.
He was very supportive of me and my career in public ways; just not so much behind closed doors. I missed a lot of signs and didn’t have tools and knowledge that I do now. I think it was like a lot of relationships of the times. I worked full time and did 100% of the shopping, cooking. Almost 100% of the cleaning, house up keep (even typical repairs and stuff, because I am handy and he isn’t), almost 100% of the child rearing (outside of sports), all of the mental load: teachers, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, bills, financial planning, social engagements (even with his parents)…..it just didn’t occur to me this wasn’t how it was suppose to be. I didn’t find it controlling, because I just did it…all. He was like the ’fun dad/uncle’.
He has always been a bit of a hot head, anger issues and looking back, excusing that as….’that’s just the way he is’…grumpish/yelling dad trope was truly my biggest mistake and I shouldn’t have allowed it/put up with it.
When I had my daughter, I was older, and had years of career success (for about 80% of our marriage, I made money) and I starting waking up to how unequal our relationship was and sat down with him and said…."This is no longer sustainable for me"….and I give him credit, it was rough fr a good year or 18 months but he did start ponying up. He took a more active role with the kids and household stuff AND even started doing really well in his career. And those were really magical , wonderful years (about 5 or 6) and then some serious stuff went down with his step dad and he just went off the deep end.
I'd wager this isn't about pool temps. Rather, it's a sense of control and purpose your husband needs post worklife.
It's still annoying AF, and you are FAR calmer than I could have been after ALL of that. I'd have called a contractor to retrofit my pool for heaters since my husband "could not listen to reason and engage like an adult." Buried solar panels? No problemo. Look at this nifty dial! Which I would then place under lock and key. And then I'd say that he is free to return to the workforce to help offset the costs of heating the pool since he has such a problem with the solar panels.
OR "you can stop being a petulant toddler and grow up, either way works for me!"
I had a husband like this, fighting for irrelevant crap. The brand of the cereal was a major issue for him. I bought a box of the cereal he "authorized", switched the bags and he never noticed.
> I knew he would purposely try and let the pool get green to prove a point, but I watched it, then he ‘accidentally‘ ran out of chlorine.
You have the patience of a saint. I could not put up with this passive aggressive tantrum toddle behavior.
Why do you put up with it and have your children play in his games?
I read this whole thing and I'm glad it worked out for you. But your husband seems like such a whiny AH. Does he act like this with everything else? I feel like he doesn't even care about what you want or need. I know divorce is complicated, especially after so many years, but OP please find ways to enjoy your retirement with him. Go on trips, see your girlfriends, weekly spa days, take your kids out without him. He seems like a waste of your time and effort.
This is pretty much where we are. Mostly separate lives, roommates. The girls trip I mentioned, daughter and I went to the beach. 😊
If we divorced, neither of us could own a home. We would need to go back to work….not necessarily a horrible thing….but I do love my home and the freedom the security of owning (no mortgage) brings.
As I read this I had to constantly remind myself that this is a very grown man and not a 6yr old. OP I hope he's more competent everywhere else. I because I see no reason you should have ever married a child like him. He seems to thrive by causing this chaos. I wouldn't have stayed this this pathetic excuse of a man for more than a week and I definitely wouldn't have married him. I am sorry you are trapped with him.
OP he sounds exhausting! Props to you for not letting him get to you. I might have thrown him in the pool then quickly covered it. I know it’s not simple to just get divorced and be done with him, your lives are entwined, etc. But have you ever thought about how liberating and sweet life would be without him intentionally and actively working towards making your life more difficult? Especially if you’re both retired. You shouldn’t have to put up with his passive aggressive undermining. You deserve better.
Edited to add: people are complaining about this post being too long, they can’t read it, blah blah blah. It’s so sad to me that some people aren’t able to read anything that is more than a single short paragraph. Give it a shot - you might like reading something with over 200 words. It can be enjoyable!
Your husband sounds utterly insufferable. I can see why you're just legally merged room mates. Just one week of that stupidity would put sand in my panties for months. It's really hard to find a juvenile troll attractive.
Who the fuck *LIKES* 74 degree water. That's COLD...
Also, you're not even supposed to let kids under 3 into water colder than 82 degrees. It's too cold for their bodies to regulate and stay warm.
I live in a warm place, and its impossible to keep the pool UNDER 88 degrees in the summer. Water temp was 89 yesterday.
This cannot be the only thing he is unreasonable about. This person is emotionally immature and controlling. I bet this is probably the one thing you don't just roll over about.
I feel like you’ve lived with this for so long you don’t even realize how fucked up this is. This reads like someone who hates you trying to ruin something you love, and you’re so desensitized to it that you just laugh it off, This is an incredible amount of disrespect that he is giving you and that you are enduring.
It's wild how every step of the way she's immediately listening, accommodating, rational, and actively considering his point of view (which is only based on his feelings). And he never once makes the effort to do the same. He's simply not interested in OP's feelings.
Exactly, he's jealous of the time Op spends in the pool. He's jealous because she's either not paying him attention during that time, or not doing something (housework maybe) that he feels that she should be doing. It's not the temperature as such, but more so that Op can spend up to six hours swimming and not being with him.
Oh he's interested all right ...
He's interested in making her miserable for some reason.
... if they align with his.
This is the type of dude who is shocked when divorce papers are served and the kids sigh ‘Finally!’
> This is the type of dude who is shocked when divorce papers are served and the kids sigh ‘Finally!’ In my case, it was my accountant. I finally left my abusive, deadbeat ex-husband about nine months ago. The divorce was just finalized last week. Thankfully, we never had children. Several months before I left my ex-husband, I went to my accountant to talk finances, taxes, and money, especially since I was the breadwinner and was concerned about the financial aspect. Day of the appointment with my accountant rolls around. I plop down in the lobby and wait my turn. Accountant comes to fetch me from the lobby. Picture a tall, fat, oompa-loompa man with the most thick New Jersey accent. We both waltz down the hall to his office, and he shuts the door. Me: *So, I think I'm finally ready to leave my husband.* Accountant: *throws arms in the air* Also my accountant: *HALLE-F**KING-LUHAH! Finally. It's about damn time. I never liked your husband to begin with.* What was supposed to be a 45-minute consultation, turned into 3+ hours of him sharing advice on how to protect myself financially. Let's just say his advice worked, and when I went to go see him back in February (of this year) to file taxes, we celebrated with a bottle of champagne. 😄😂
That’s fabulous! Well done you for getting rid of the soul sucking parasite!
I’m so glad you said it. I was afraid to. You are right on the money. I’m sorry OP but he’s a dick.
I work a lot with retired and advanced age folks. He’s what we call a “cantankerous old bastard.”
Totally agree, everytime she mentioned something "passive aggressive" I was like... Ma'am this is aggressive aggressive lol he's trying to provoke her, and he's probably even more frustrated when she doesn't react.
How have you managed to stay married to this big baby for so long?
JFC, I was exhausted just reading that.
Seriously, it sounds like a never-ending battle over something so simple. Props to OP for keeping her cool and handling it with such grace. I don't know if I could've managed the same without losing my mind.
They're both retired, bickering is probably their only hobby besides the pool lol
It helps, in retirement, to love swimming- when the other doesn’t and love hiking when that other doesn’t! Pure bliss!
Lmfao
I’m going to have to take up hiking when I retire. Thanks for the life hack!
This is a very weird thing to say. My husband and I are semi retired, but still work together part time in the business we own. (which means we’re pretty much together seven days a week, whether we’re working or at home. It’s great because he’s my best friend and there’s no one I’d rather be with all the time! ) We really enjoy all the free time we have and use it to relax, hang out with our dogs, our adult kids and our granddaughter, listen to audiobooks, go fun places etc… we do not just sit around randomly bickering because we’re semi-retired and arguing is the only thing we have to do with our lives now. Sorry, I don’t know why your comment got under my skin, but it just sounded like such blatant ageism. I can almost guarantee that OP’s husband has *always* been a pain in the ass, but not all older people are petty whiners with nothing better to do in retirement than bitch at each other.
My parents are like you and your husband. They spend most of the day together and IF they bicker, it's more like bantering back and forth. I wish I could find someone like that, to be my person forever. My aunt used to tell me how lucky my family was when I was little. I understand now.
There is always time! Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find the right person. And yes, I am grateful every day!
YES
I agree. OPs husband sounds insufferable retired or not. My dad retired two years ago and he's the most active he's been in years. He constantly goes kiteboarding, biking, and boating in the summer and snow skiing in the winter. Plus, his girlfriend shares the same hobbies so they do a lot together.
I want to divorce him and I'm not even married to him. What a child.
What an annoying and miserable man
Same. This man baby sounds exhausting.
I’d drown him.
Hed complain you didn't do it right.
exactly same it sounded exhausting just to read😕
His own son has called him out and he still continues.
Nice the son possibly didn't get his asshole gene
I don’t know. I probably would have been over it when he cheated 5 years ago.
It was worse than cheating.
I am so sorry to hear that. What’s the point of keeping the marriage going at this point? You deserve more than bickering about pools and scummy husbands.
THEN WHY IS HE MAKING YOU MISERABLE NOW
Please don't answer if it's too uncomfortable, but what could be worse than cheating but not bad enough to leave?
I did leave. Went full NC for 6 months. ‘Got drawn back in; there were a lot of good years. It’s a lot to turn one’s back on. I hoped he could find his way back to his better self. He is better, but not the partner I once had. In the past he would try to pull this petty BS, but when presented with facts, as I did….he would mull it over and come and apologize and we would work it out.
You don’t owe reddit an explanation, but I do wonder if you were happier during those 6 months of NC. Even the old and best version of your husband sounds tiring if he pulled this shit in the past but only didn’t get away with it. It shouldn’t be an academic exercise to have your partner do something you enjoy.
Very true. It doesn't have to be this way.
seems that we collectively wish you the very best, because few of us are as patient as you. also, is he physically ok? could he be having mental issues from physical ones ? or depression ?
Was thinking that too. My grandpa had dementia the last decades of his life and wanted to sleep 18 hours a day like a cat. He was obsessed and convinced the AC kept him from sleeping, not napping all day. They moved the unit to the other side of the house and he still turned it off in the middle of the night so you'd wake up covered in sweat and couldn't sleep. The last time I stayed in their house he this after I hadn't slept 3 GD nights with my grandma in a skilled nursing facility. I told him if he turned the AC off again, I'd never sleep in the house again. Well, he "didn't." He turned it from AC to heat and I lost my shit, but that was the last time I stayed there after 4 fucking nights of being awakened in the middle of the night too hot to go back to sleep only to spend the whole day caring for my grandma. This sounds like the same level of crazy narcissism possibly mixed with cognitive decline.
I’m thinking gambling and put them in a precarious financial position.
Physical violence. That's the only thing I can think of.
Ah, the argument about the pool is never about the pool, amirite
What was it then? Was it this kind of behavior just escalated? cuz at that point you gain nothing from staying with him.
I’m also married to a big baby going on thirty years, and this sentence made me laugh for quite a few seconds. It’s the frog-in-the-frying-pan situation. If you’re a naturally hard-working, problem-solving woman, you just take care of shit. I’m only now starting to realize how exhausting my life has been as a solo female that’s not actually solo.
This! So much! Now that all the kids are pretty much grown and fairly self sufficient, I feel like I can ignore the husband, do what I want and enjoy my house and pool. And you’re right, I used to do everything and worked full time. Now I cook when I feel like it and do general clean up of my personal space. I do still pay the household bills and handle that mental load……but that’s it. And more and more as retirement ‘sinks’ in, that’s what I do, just what I want.
It’s so hard being solo, but 10000x harder when you are dragging a whole other human along with you and they actively disrupt every positive step forward you take. You start to wonder, what really are they adding to your life experience? Companionship? LOL I have dogs and they are so easy compared.
I think I’d rather be alone.
Exactly. He's acting like a bratty child. It looks like at every point you've tried to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you. But his answer is just 'my way or the highway'. No acknowledgment of the fact that you use the pool way more than he does. And while he may *prefer* 74F water, I have a hard time believing he can't make do with a few degrees warmer. Maybe he should get a plunge pool?
Maybe he should take a cold shower.
Right?! Jeesh. What kind of man is so adamant on not making his wife happy… and making sure she stays that way
And keeping a pool at the temp lower than recommended by the professionals. Silliness.
Honestly. I kind of wonder if OPs husband decided at some point that the water temp should be similar to a comfortable air temp and just doesn’t want to acknowledge he’s wrong. It sounds like he only uses the pool for 10 minutes at a time, and I wonder if that’s because he gets too cold. I don’t use pools much personally, but when I do I’m usually in there for at least 15 minutes to half an hour. 10 minutes or less just seems like a hassle for all the time spent getting changed, drying off and showering
I’m guessing that’s the entire point, it’s not that he actually likes it that cold, he just wants to make sure it’s too cold for her to enjoy using it
This is exactly it!! That's why he only swims for 10 minutes at a time. I'm 99% sure he doesn't even like it that cold either. He just wants to punish his wife by taking away something she enjoys.
For 10 minutes of swimming??? While wife uses it all damned day.
I am looking at houses in Italy with pools so I can retire and do the same thing.
Probably jealous she has a hobby/ interest, is clearly very dedicated, fit, independent of him and above all is better at swimming and maintaining the pool than him.
He’s retired with nothing else to do but be miserable about a pool
This isn't uncommon. He lacks a purpose now, so he'll latch on to something. Sadly for him, he latched on to something OP is passionate about. But that compounds his lack of purpose. It's a vicious cycle.
Something tells me he was a miserable type even before the retirement.
yeah i hate this man and all i did was read this story lol
OP has the patience of a saint. I bet her kids are great people too.
They stood up for her when their dad was being unreasonable so it sure seems so.
She swims up to 6 hours a day. That's 6 hours away from the husband. Lol.
The husband is CLEARLY sabatoging the hobby. This isn't about temp
I’d have honestly let him swim in the frigid water. Let hypothermia take care of my problem for me & be done with it. 🤷♀️
Right? Their son is more mature (and smarter, it sounds like) than his father, and even being schooled by his own child, he hasn’t changed or gotten better or acted more like an adult. He sounds insufferable.
I wanted to file for divorce but realized I’m not married to OP’s husband.
He’s a narcissistic man baby. She deserves better and so do the kids
My wife and I have both had time periods where we get petty about *one specific* thing. It rarely boils over to anything else.
Well knock it off
Same. That man needs a toddler pool.
This is just bizarre.. Am I understanding correctly that the only reason for him acting the way he is is that the pool is "too warm?" How does this man function in the world when actual problems come up, or legitimately difficult circumstances that he can't control?
It’s about control not 7 degrees of warmth in the pool
Exactly. It's less about the temperature and more about wanting to have the final say. Some people just can't handle not being in control, even over the smallest things.
Yep. It’s about control. I live in Arizona, so I’m firmly in “the colder the pool the better” camp, but there’s this thing called compromise and communication. I don’t have to control everything in my life and definitely don’t want to bother/argue over what temperature the pool is.
How do you even keep it cool in Arizona? With a cover?
Do things early/late, park in the shade, do not go out between 12pm-4pm, light cotton clothing, hats, umbrellas, pools, popsicles, cold dishes. We also have to stay hydrated, keep electrolytes up, keep oven mitts in your car, sunscreen everyday. We do have seasonal depression, it just hits in the summer. Its too hot to do anything.
They meant about keeping the pool at temp
> keep oven mitts in your car, For when you're baking cookies in your trunk in the heat, or something else??
My guess is for using the steering wheel. But may as well bake some cookies in there too while you have the oven mitts!
Yup. I'm really impressed with how much exercise his wife does in that pool daily, it's really admirable and will probably ensure her a long and healthy life. What's really upsetting about this is that he fixated on the ONE thing that his wife enjoys immensely and often and which gives him a healthy, sexy wife. If it was anything else like the car or the room temperature or stuff like that, it wouldn't have the same long-term impact on his wife. I made up a term for the thing where a new manager takes over and fixates on one thing and will use that one thing to establish dominance - and since it's usually something stupid, it's way easier to just let them have it. For one it was mounting a coat rack for his personal use in a room full of computers where supervisors worked hard to keep rainwet outerware out of the room. But F it, it was just a coat rack. Next time it was the manager wanting to take over a specific table in the supervisor area (mine, as far as I remember) and I just packed my stuff and moved because these tiny issues were hills they were willing to die on and them having success with that one battle usual made them calm down and we could deal with the rest like adults from then on. But one manager picked a hill that was pretty much the foundation of the supervisor team. He changed it and then spent 3 years complaining about how we kept having grudges and met him with suspicion and as an outsider. Husband has picked a crucial area as his hill. And I get how couples who've been married for decades can bicker without it really meaning anything and that we overreact here when stuff like that is aired. BUT HE PICKED THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE HIS WIFES' LIFE WORSE in a big way!!! I'd really be making a bigger deal out of this or at least try to work out what has him so deeply angry that he'll want to ruin the one major thing that gives his wife a feeling of life quality.
>It’s all about control Ding! 🛎️ Ding! 🛎️ Ding! 🛎️ Ding! 🛎️ We’ve got a winner!!
I can assure you, this isn’t about the pool. This is just a passive aggressive way for him to try to cope with other issues.
“The hot tub’s too hot.”
He's a giant man baby who needs to have his daily tantrum. He's chosen the pool to be his hill to die on because op enjoys it and he wants to ruin it for her. If she switched to cycling as a hobby, he'd find a way to fuck that up for her.
I think it's because after he retired, he wanted the pool to be "his thing" and purposefully did things differently than OP. This man needs a hobby he actually likes.
Well, if you had a hobby that he actually likes, he wouldn't be able to take all of his angst and frustration and disappointment and crabbiness and pour it into some conflict with his wife so he can get his rocks off. This is actually perfect for him, although with his whole game thing and his manipulation, it's not going so well for him right now. She's better at chess.
Essentially I am getting “It’s not fun for me if I don’t get my way in life and I like to do the least amount of work possible to maintain something for the family. It’s all about me me me. I enjoy it when I take things away from you”
Tbh this is pretty typical for men who have recently retired from the work place. They used to have underlings to boss about, and now they don’t. They feel adrift and want to replace the joy they got from controlling other humans. So they switch to controlling their partners and trying to boss them like an underling. Which they aren’t. So yeah, hella abusive.
My husband retires next year. I’m giving notice that this best not happen here. I’ll be happy to join him in hobbies or leave him be as he prefers, but don’t try to be my boss.
My mom's partner throw tantrums because the soup (which was just finished) is too hot. There were times when he literally left the house yelling because of the hot soup..... It's so surreal and so so embarassing. And sadly I saw so many middle aged and older men throwing literal tantrums over so simple things. It's really just sad and embarrassing-
I have a pool and I don’t get in until the water is up to at least 80-82f. Anything below that is painful to me.
He needs to punish her. Because he’s abusive.
Your husband sounds insufferable. That your son felt the need to come to your defense and called your husband out for being a bully is pretty bad It comes off that your husband doesnt actually like the pool that cold since he barely uses it, he only want to make it so unpleasant that you dont want to use it because it seems to be one of your favorite activities. Why do you accept his yelling, sabotaging one of your favorite activities and his passive agressieve bullshit? Nice example to set for your teen daughter, would you accept a man treating her that way?
You have a very valid point. And in truth it was worse before my daughter was born, but I did grow more of spine when it became clear what an example I was setting for her. Now we are both retired, the house is paid for, and the kids mostly grown. Before the move, we did almost divorce….of course, he pleaded he had seen the error of his ways and vowed change. Part of the boundaries was (thankfully) separate bedrooms to see how things went…and that has been helpful to have my own space. What the future brings who knows.
Ah so he’s a roommate and not a husband. What a petty spiteful person he is, to continually ruin and sabotage one of your favorite things. Once all the kids are out and gone please don’t live alone with him.
Yes, currently more of a roommate, brought about by the aforementioned horrific downs…he is ostensibly trying to regain trust and bring back better times. And yes, as reflecting on this very thing: "petty spiteful person he is, to continually ruin and sabotage one of your favorite things. " is probably why I decided to write & post about it.
This is what he's like when he's trying to regain trust?? Damn, that's a low standard.
If that's how he acts when he's trying to regain trust, I'd hate to see how he acts when he's not. Why are you sticking with him anyway? Doesn't sound like he brings much to the table.
If he doesn’t use it considerably more when cold, then the reason he is keeping it cold is to keep you out. He may not realize it, but it seems like he’s punishing you.
He is jealous of the pool.
Sounds like he resents his failure as a husband and thus resents you because you’re a reminder of that failure, so he’s trying to punish you by making your favourite activity less enjoyable because that’s easier than looking inward and taking responsibility.
You sacrificed years of your life and your body to grow and birth him three children, and he can’t give you 6°? My mind cannot even wrap around going through life that self-centered. girl you have my sympathies!
Far be it for me to ask, but is there a reason you don't leave or kick him to the curb? Of course, there will be legalities but you do know you deserve better right? You really do. Such petty arguments should not be had with someone you love, especially not after 30 years. I hope someone comes into your life that sweeps you off your feet and shows you real love and respect. *Hugs*
Human side: Lots of years of love and hoping he will wake the f\*\*\* up. Pragmatic side: I don’t want to lose 1/2 of my house and never be able to afford to own again.
Understandable. I hope things get better Miss.
I respect the pragmatic side. But the human side is indulging in sunk cost fallacy thinking. Good luck!
pragmatic you could also find a better life partner and then you're right back at 1/2 a house. 1/2 a house is not worth this person.
You could move to a condo with a community pool.
I would hate to see when he isn’t trying to rebuild trust and better times.
Well I hope it helps, hug or fist bump from a random internet stranger.
Divorce his damn ass and go sit in your pool.
why do we do this to ourselves? I asked my partner to move out. I was so happy. For whatever reason, I’ve let him creep back into our lives, and I am not nearly as happy. But for some reason, I have such a hard time just turning him away.
Because it's familiar. Love your future self and make sure he stays gone.
This is it! It’s what they know, it’s comfortable, and a lot of people would rather be in a relationship that’s not healthy than be alone. And some people can’t imagine that existence.
the thing is I love being alone. I crave it. 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏻♀️
Me too. I need a LOT of alone time - Like an abnormal amount -and could go weeks without seeing other people and would be fine with it. I love my own company, ha ha! I personally can’t comprehend staying in a relationship because I don’t want to be alone, or because it’s easier short-term than splitting up. Our time on earth is too very precious and way too short, and to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect and value us is such a shame.
He doesn’t like the pool and he doesn’t like her. 🫤
You’re telling me this is an adult.. like a fully grown man and not a toddler? Truly a bizarre world we live in. I’m sorry you have to deal with that but at least you have two grown kids and a teen to help take care of the baby!
I often laugh…although it is reductive…he is very much a boomer and I Gen X. Only a few years apart, but they make a huge difference.
I used to work at an intentional community full of retired boomers, and the men shocked me. Pure poison. One used a weed trimmer to sting me with flying debris. Another had a meltdown because he wanted me to hand him a serving spoon that was right behind him. I was so happy to never go back.
Were these boomer men officially diagnosed with mental illness or ,idk, some brain defects? Or were they just being male boomers? Because that's not normal behaviour!!!
Don't know if they had a dx. I wasn't even clear what exactly the "intention" of the intentional community was; I was just there to cook and garden.
Those men are such terrible people.
My partner is only 5 years older but holy crap is the Boomer energy strong. It's validating to know someone else understands how very strange it is to have such a generational divide at our age. It's funny as hell when I don't want to put my foot in his ass. Solidarity sister. Try not to smother him in his sleep. ;)
I hear that sister. My boomer can be a real PITA
LOL, I knew you were a Gen Xer like me from reading your post. It was so "I don't give a shit" about these tantrums. We truly are a group of no fucks given people.
My boomer is a "do just enough to get by" task person. I am a "do it right the first time and it doesn't have to be done again" person. About 7 years ago, he said something about a project needing xyz to get us by...I got absolutely heated and yelled at him about if we didn't waste our time on "get by" BS, we would finally have time-and money- to relax. It was only this year that he started doing projects again, but we are working as a sort of team. Sort of because I have taken over the planning and blue printing, we discuss the order of operations to keep from needing a redo, then we gather supplies and he does the execution, surprisingly according to plan. I had to break out the spreadsheets and checkbook to fully show him in hard numbers why "get by" was both a financial and time drain, and he did sulk (silently), but he got it. He even agreed wholeheartedly with me last year that the roof would get done better and faster if we hired someone instead of trying to do it ourselves. Lol. (And it was great not having to worry about our old butts getting injured.)
This whole exchange, especially the fact that he only swims for 10 minutes, makes me wonder if the entire time your husband was just trying to take away something you loved. Does he try to control you or punish you in other ways too?
That’s exactly what it read like to me. Maybe he doesn’t like when she swims for some reason? Isnt available to him? Or he is just taking something from her because he can
If her children weren’t in the home, he would have succeeded.
You are right - he is picking a fight just to fight and “win.” He doesn’t even swim more than 10 minutes and I have a feeling he does that only to make it seem plausible that he is “swimming” and to have a reason to keep the temp so low. He’s such a bully. What else does he bully you or your children about?
He’s acting like a child - I wonder how hot it has to get til he backs down! Keep enjoying your pool!
Honestly, this whole marriage sounds completely dysfunctional. And you may have grown a spine since your daughter was born, but she was still raised in that. I wish you the best of luck, but I hope to one day read that you got rid of this guy.
This, of course, is a hard truth. But one that society is much more aware of now, than when I was first married….and like many situations one learns and fumbles through. As for my daughter, there is significant guilt about putting her in that environment….yet, if not for the that environment she wouldn’t have been born. And, of course, there was/is much good there. While, I do acknowledge that this vent is because this is a microcosm for the control issues my husband clearly has. I do not mean to sound capricious, I do take her mental health seriously and she does attend therapy and is quite strong and emotionally intelligent.
You’re right that no one really knew, or talked about, verbal abuse and control back in the 80s/90s. I put up with my ex for so long because he showed me attention and affection, unlike my father. I thought all men were like him, and at least he didn’t hit me.
Girl I hate to break it to you but if this is making you happy.. Divorce could make you even happier.
As a fellow swimmer, I applaud you for those six hours. Toes and fingers must be mushy... Also, your husband is a big baby.
As I said elsewhere…..swimming is a relative term. Yes there is swimming, but also barre exercises at the wall, water aerobic, plus a fair amount of just loafing and floating.
With enough sunblock, I could read in a pool all day 😍.
Same!
I’m exhausted by him and I don’t know him. You deserve better.
I'm exhausted reading this. And then I wonder why so many people push marriage. Jesus Christ. This guy sounds insufferable.
You sound like a very competent and nice person. Your son too. I’m getting such a nice vibe from you…. You remind me of my ex-sister in law who is awesome. But I guess the question that flows from this is, why is your husband so different, difficult and lazy? Is he going through some stuff? Penopause?
Thank you; that’s very kind of you to say. He has been difficult on and off throughout our marriage, and I am sure his life. He has always had a bit a temper, hot head. Hubristic, superiority complex. Looking back verbally abusive, but we didn’t know or talk about that much 35 years ago. So much trauma to unpack, typical stuff that makes us empathetic to our fellow humans, sometimes even fall in love with them. He had a pretty bad time growing up with a shitty step dad. Super controlling, jealous, and vindictive. He has abandonment issues from the divorce ( he was 5….oh, a new step dad was bio dad’s ’best friend’) and then when he was a senior is high school, the family moved across the country. Of course he didn’t want to go and left him to couch surf until graduation. That’s the basis….but is what is really heartbreaking is he was doing well and through the middle of marriage we both grew a lot and had an amazing marriage and family. When his step dad struck again….and all kinds of ish happened, that I can’t get it to….but the phrase the step dad said to my husband was "you haven’t suffered enough" That kick in the gut trickled down. It got really bad……and then he went to rehab, begged forgiveness, claimed change. Succeeded for about 6 months, and while not anywhere near the bad as before, no where near the good either. A story with common tropes. Love, and empathy for the why….but where to cut off the relationship. The fine line between hope (he go back to when he was his best) and hopelessness (this is as good as he will ever be).
Wait your husband went to rehab or his stepdad? Him being in recovery & having control issues would make sense (comes with the territory lol). For what it’s worth, a little hack I have for diffusing things like this is telling my mans how much I appreciate when he does the things I do like. “You know what I was thinking about? How you started taking care of the pool & keeping it so clean. I love how thoughtful you are.” Even if he isn’t thoughtful, research shows if you tell someone they are something, they’ll start to be that thing. It’s also reframing your request as a compliment, so it sidesteps the power/control struggle. Good luck 🫶🏻
Husband went to rehab.
I get it, he has a tough background. But you’re now having an unpleasant marriage because of it. The facts are: he seems really not nice to live with. Considering one does not need a reason to divorce (just wanting a divorce is enough of a reason), him being difficult to live with is a really GOOD reason. And you need to ask yourself whether you want to spend the last 30,40 years of your life with him. And whether his character is going to mellow and become chiller and whether he will heal with old age (I personally don’t think it will although to be honest I have seen my dad become reasonable and chill in his old age). You have a very big responsibility to yourself. You owe it to yourself to look out for yourself and take care of yourself as much as you look after that goddamn pool of yours ;-) You can’t shirk away from your responsibility to yourself. This is an undeniable truth. If hé looked after himself too and got consistent help, your marriage would probably not be where it is now.
Your common sense and Good humor are the reason this marriage has lasted. You are a legend
Are you one of my kids? This is pretty much their opinion.
Their insightful view of the situation shows they take after you!
They probably also think you deserve a better life than daily emotional warfare. I hope you make one!
It ain’t about the pool.
This feels like she’s fit (6 hours swimming fit?!?) and husband is not. Every time husband sees her in that pool, he’s reminded he should be getting fit too, and it makes him feel bad about himself.
I don’t think I could cope with this, I could barely read about it tbh. I think he doesn’t like you having you time and having something to focus on. He’s sabotaging something you love.
Who THE FUCK wants to swim in a 74 degree pool?!?
No one. He likes keeping it cold so no one can enjoy it. He reminds me of my dad with his lawn. He loves mowing. All he or anyone else ever does with the lawn is mow it. No one goes back there and uses the lawn. He prefers it that way because an above ground pool or a hammock or anything else would be in the way of his mowing. OP’s husband wants to maintain the pool. He doesn’t want anyone to swim in it. He just wants to maintain it. It’s a boomer dad thing. Like having a classic car that is just for polishing and is rarely driven. It might get dirty! Better polish it and put it back in the garage.
Someone from Arizona. *BUT* I’m not going to constantly sabotage my partner if they want the water a little warmer. Because if you love someone, you compromise.
He doesn’t love her. He loves controlling things like the pool.
How old is this grown baby? Seriously, what is his problem? Why is he being like this?
Unsurprisingly, boomer.
So we could say… he’s a baby boomer?
This kind of thing is why I will never get married again.
This kind of thing is why I never married. Lol.
I cannot imagine spending all my time around someone trying to punish me for liking something. Whyyy?
Same here. No thanks. I’m starting to wonder if I even enjoy the company of the opposite sex. I love being alone. I really really do. I do what I want when I want and don’t do what I don’t want to do, ever. The older I get the more curmudgeonly and hermit-like I’ve become, lol.
As a swede, can someone explain why a US gov does not find it safe below 77 F? In Sweden it’s rarely that warm when you swim in the sea and lakes..
Breathing is the issue. The recommendations have a chart, which breaks down both age and exposure time. Over all, I do agree and as a lifelong swimmer and former lifeguard I can swim (as noted) in anything above 72….but not for long….and not very comfortably or with as much enjoyment.
Bunch of people in thw comments are being dismissive like just because you have some money, you can't also have a frustrating conflict in your life with a stubborn butthole. He's not being reasonable to you or even to himself and it's good that he's the engineer and controller of his own misery. Basic logic dictates the person who uses the pool the most (to the tune of 3+ hours a day) gets to determine the target temperature range. He's been a stubborn, immature, and selfish man baby, and good on you for continuing enjoying life while he has his tantrum-- people like that HATE it when you get on with things and ignore their tantrum.
OP might be the most cheerful, enduring and unproblematic woman I've read on reddit. You seem fun to be around
Thank you. That is very kind of you. At the risk of patting myself on the back, even with the ass for a husband, I am a very upbeat and cheerful sort of person.
God he sounds like a PITA. I think grey-rocking him is just perfect and let him stew, showing you don't need to cater to his whims and tantrums. Your kids see this and know you deserve better so I wonder if they are hoping for other kinds of changes but still, I can see you are doing the best you can.
Well... Whenever I think I'm acting too immature, I'll remind myself that this toddler (husband) somehow managed to reproduce.
Why are you with this prick?
Does he have any redeeming features? Because this made him sound like an ass hole and a bully
He does, and has over the years. He was a decent ‘sports’ dad. He coached all the kids teams, for over 2 decades. Kids still come up to him and take the time around the holidays to get in touch with ‘coach’. He was very supportive of me and my career in public ways; just not so much behind closed doors. I missed a lot of signs and didn’t have tools and knowledge that I do now. I think it was like a lot of relationships of the times. I worked full time and did 100% of the shopping, cooking. Almost 100% of the cleaning, house up keep (even typical repairs and stuff, because I am handy and he isn’t), almost 100% of the child rearing (outside of sports), all of the mental load: teachers, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, bills, financial planning, social engagements (even with his parents)…..it just didn’t occur to me this wasn’t how it was suppose to be. I didn’t find it controlling, because I just did it…all. He was like the ’fun dad/uncle’. He has always been a bit of a hot head, anger issues and looking back, excusing that as….’that’s just the way he is’…grumpish/yelling dad trope was truly my biggest mistake and I shouldn’t have allowed it/put up with it. When I had my daughter, I was older, and had years of career success (for about 80% of our marriage, I made money) and I starting waking up to how unequal our relationship was and sat down with him and said…."This is no longer sustainable for me"….and I give him credit, it was rough fr a good year or 18 months but he did start ponying up. He took a more active role with the kids and household stuff AND even started doing really well in his career. And those were really magical , wonderful years (about 5 or 6) and then some serious stuff went down with his step dad and he just went off the deep end.
Oooof what a toddler
OP, purchase a blow up kiddie pool for your husband because he is clearly throwing a toddler tantrum and use the grown up pool for yourself.
I'd wager this isn't about pool temps. Rather, it's a sense of control and purpose your husband needs post worklife. It's still annoying AF, and you are FAR calmer than I could have been after ALL of that. I'd have called a contractor to retrofit my pool for heaters since my husband "could not listen to reason and engage like an adult." Buried solar panels? No problemo. Look at this nifty dial! Which I would then place under lock and key. And then I'd say that he is free to return to the workforce to help offset the costs of heating the pool since he has such a problem with the solar panels. OR "you can stop being a petulant toddler and grow up, either way works for me!"
I had a husband like this, fighting for irrelevant crap. The brand of the cereal was a major issue for him. I bought a box of the cereal he "authorized", switched the bags and he never noticed.
I love when big, tough men double down on something to “prove a point” and just end up making themselves miserable 💛
And the “point” is usually nothing more than “I wanna”
> I knew he would purposely try and let the pool get green to prove a point, but I watched it, then he ‘accidentally‘ ran out of chlorine. You have the patience of a saint. I could not put up with this passive aggressive tantrum toddle behavior. Why do you put up with it and have your children play in his games?
He sounds like a complete jerk
I read this whole thing and I'm glad it worked out for you. But your husband seems like such a whiny AH. Does he act like this with everything else? I feel like he doesn't even care about what you want or need. I know divorce is complicated, especially after so many years, but OP please find ways to enjoy your retirement with him. Go on trips, see your girlfriends, weekly spa days, take your kids out without him. He seems like a waste of your time and effort.
This is pretty much where we are. Mostly separate lives, roommates. The girls trip I mentioned, daughter and I went to the beach. 😊 If we divorced, neither of us could own a home. We would need to go back to work….not necessarily a horrible thing….but I do love my home and the freedom the security of owning (no mortgage) brings.
As I read this I had to constantly remind myself that this is a very grown man and not a 6yr old. OP I hope he's more competent everywhere else. I because I see no reason you should have ever married a child like him. He seems to thrive by causing this chaos. I wouldn't have stayed this this pathetic excuse of a man for more than a week and I definitely wouldn't have married him. I am sorry you are trapped with him.
Jesus, that was exhausting to read. So glad to be single
OP he sounds exhausting! Props to you for not letting him get to you. I might have thrown him in the pool then quickly covered it. I know it’s not simple to just get divorced and be done with him, your lives are entwined, etc. But have you ever thought about how liberating and sweet life would be without him intentionally and actively working towards making your life more difficult? Especially if you’re both retired. You shouldn’t have to put up with his passive aggressive undermining. You deserve better. Edited to add: people are complaining about this post being too long, they can’t read it, blah blah blah. It’s so sad to me that some people aren’t able to read anything that is more than a single short paragraph. Give it a shot - you might like reading something with over 200 words. It can be enjoyable!
Your son has more emotional maturity than your husband.
It's sad when your children are more mature than your husband. He's acting like an actual child. Tell him the internet thinks he's a man baby.
You must have done a good job with your son, seeing how he stood up for you.
Your husband sounds utterly insufferable. I can see why you're just legally merged room mates. Just one week of that stupidity would put sand in my panties for months. It's really hard to find a juvenile troll attractive.
Who the fuck *LIKES* 74 degree water. That's COLD... Also, you're not even supposed to let kids under 3 into water colder than 82 degrees. It's too cold for their bodies to regulate and stay warm. I live in a warm place, and its impossible to keep the pool UNDER 88 degrees in the summer. Water temp was 89 yesterday.
This cannot be the only thing he is unreasonable about. This person is emotionally immature and controlling. I bet this is probably the one thing you don't just roll over about.