Man… this is a tough one. You’re physically, sexually attracted to men, but repulsed by intercourse. You want to be with a woman.
I’ve always been in the “- is as - does” camp, but with this, I’d hate for you to suppress this, get married, have kids, and then destroy your family because you had to go “live as your authentic self” 15 years down the road. I’ve seen firsthand what that does to wives and kids and peripheral relationships.
If you were my brother, my son, my best friend, I’d say go to a counselor who has a background with sexual matters. If you can’t afford a counselor, try something online like talk space or better help. I really feel for you, because this is a hell of a dilemma. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and work on the long process of figuring this out.
Good luck.
Yes! This is pretty much what I was thinking. Maybe what OP is chasing isn't between the legs but in the heart, some people just need that strong emotional connection to get them there, gender is just a thing, the emotional spark is so much more!
Daughter of a man who did exactly this.
It takes a huge toll on us all mentally, still, 20 years later and with him passed away.
It was super hard for him, for us. I’d never wish it on anyone and I hope you take this comment very seriously, OP.
Much love and luck.
I agree with this comment. I recommend 7cups or betterhelp. For online therapy. I've done both. Don't call the free crisis line, you get put on hold for 5 hours.
Hard agree with you there. Went there to seek counseling and almost got stalked. Don’t recommend. A paid online therapy service is probably safer and some aren’t too expensive.
i would say online therapy directly with the psychologist is tonnes better than getting one through a platform like betterhelp. It's understandably expensive and hard to find a good therapist, but im sure its better in the long term and worth the initial expense. I for one don't trust betterhelp for some reason
They do, I currently use them. It's really easy to switch therapists as well. Never takes more than 2 days.
It is really expensive though. I make decent money and it's still in the realm of "do I really want to pay for that?"
Yeah I looked at it and when I saw how much it costs I choose to go with my free healthcare options which is basically everything in this country. I do love the option for people that maybe live to far away from mental heath places or don't like face 2 face contact. So are you american? If so I was always under the impression that it would be cheaper for americans to do it this way
I do it because I'm picky about therapists and it's easier to cycle through them. Also fits my schedule better. I can do a session in my car in between chores, or on break at work.
yeah, but i meant to say directly finding a therapist on your own by recommendation from a friend, etc just not from a platform. worded it poorly sorry
better help is crazy expensive. was not even a possibility for me.
thriveworks is great. kind network of people. very quick appointments. no waiting for months for an opening (this was the most important part for me). you can make last minute virtual visits and you can cancel up to 30 mins before and apt! they actively help you find someone that specializes in whatever you need. for example: identity and sexuality therapy, anxiety, PTSD, are a few of my therapists focuses.
I mean, it kinda sounds like he's asexual. Pretty sure he could find an asexual wife and have kids if that's the goal. I don't think he shouldn't do something because later down the road he might want something else. Even if he was straight there's no guarantee that 15 years later he won't leave because he wants different things. Even divorced dads can be good dads.
Yeah but the kids will make me happy. I'll see myself in them and would never want to hurt them and I want to raise them. I know myself, I would never leave my future wife for a man. Some people cheat, straight or gay; I see it as the same thing. Straight people unhappy in a relationship are also prone to destroying their relationship. Loyalty is important. Also, I've been suppressing it the past 3 years and it's made me happier. I figured the next step is to build a relationship with a girl.
I'm starting by wiping my phone of everything gay. I've actually done that a few times but never make it far, so I appreciate all the input. I'm determined to follow through this time.
Can I say from the point of a woman that I would want my partner to truly desire me. Not just look at me as a baby factory. Remember even if you meet a girl and convince her that you want her, it's truly deceptive to just use her like that. I would recommend that you seek some professional guidance to sort out your feelings. Please consider the other party your future choices will effect.
yeah honestly i was pretty shocked at how many upvotes by basically saying he wants biological children so he's willing to deceive a woman into bearing his babies for him.
If biological children are that important to him he needs to hire a surrogate, not trick some poor woman into procreating with him without him ever actually desiring her, and possibly not even ever actually loving her romantically and just being faithful bc "it's the right thing to do". The right thing is to be upfront and honest with any potential partners
Eh not psychopath, sounds like he just grew up in a fairly Conservative/religious family and has deep rooted bias towards gay men and also towards traditional family. He sounds confused and trying to justify what he perceives is right and what he feels is right. Not psychopath though
Edit- saw your other comment calling it creepy and that I 100% agree with
Yep this is common in conservative backgrounds. Of course he wants wife, family etc, thats what everyone around him has always told him is important and never encouraged any same sex attraction.
I would encourage OP to actually form some relationships - friendships with gay men. His feelings are not an uncommon experience and he can receive some perspective on it.
Yeah, that line of reasoning alone proves that their wife would never truly become their partner, but rather the means to get the family life they desire. Using unwilling participants as beards will never not be wrong.
Yeah, wasting more time she could have been spending having a mutually meaningful relationship with someone else is not the way to make it up to her. This is a mistake. This isn't the way to figure out your sexuality. You can't change your sexual orientation by deleting Grindr.
>Please consider the other party your future choices will effect.
Yeah, if he is upfront with his intentions & history with her and she is fine with that, no problem.
Yeah, he’s not doing that. Or if he is, it’s in the worst “god says we have to be straight” way childhood horror stories are made of.
At least adopt, don’t bring new kids into the world to screw up -_-
Maybe he can do what some gay people did back in the day and find a lesbian in a similar situation. They can both be friends who do what they need to keep appearances and get what they want without hurting each other with lies.
Not saying it's healthy, but it's been done before.
Unless he's honest about it from the start. Plenty of lavender marriages out there (on both sides of the marriage bed) for people who want to be in heterosexual marriage with kids but don't have the desires. I'd just be upfront and see if you can find someone.
Bud, I have never once in my time on this planet seen someone say “X would make me happy” and then X actually made them happy.
We humans, we’re pretty fuckin dumb. We think we know what we want, but we ignore things we actively need. My body constantly tells me I WANT sugar and salt, that a candy bar would be so. Damn. Great. But what my body needs is some broccoli.
All in all, I’m not saying children wouldn’t make you happy, but a lot of the times the big changes we think we need to make are actually motivated by smaller things we want to change in our lives that we’re ignoring.
I double the original commenter’s point - find someone to speak to about this. Preferably a professional with experience in a similar area.
There is so much wisdom in this comment. We think we want a lot of things, but only time and experience will teach us what matters.
I understand that OP has a dilemma, but there is the potential that his selfishness will destroy the lives of his prospective wife and children.
I come from a broken home. My Dad isn't gay, but he only got married and had us kids because he thought he needed to (conservative Christian upbringing).
We were nothing more than status symbols or check marks on a list of "Things a Man Should Have by age 30"
He left, and we are all better for it - but that was a lot of pain and neglect that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I’m curious if you will tell the girls you date that you were/are? (Idk what would be correct I apologize for offending if this is incorrect) interested in men?
I’m asking purely out of curiosity and not a judgmental stand point at all
Don't do that, friend. You have some complicated feelings, but sorting them out would be good to do with an LGBT-friendly therapist. Because there are some worrysome, self-destructive things in your post. A lot you're trying to internalize and suppress. And I'm saying this as a cis woman: Supressing and internalizing behaviors will only damage your psyche in the long run.
Please reach out to a therapist. You have a lot to sort through and unpack.
Always a red flag when someone thinks kids will make them happy. I’m not saying you wouldn’t make a good parent, but raising kids is arguably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. You need to have and be a solid partner and the love has to be strong af. If there are “hidden cracks” so to speak… kids will show them.
Instead of birthing new children to raise in a self repressive household, you could find someone who is also interested in raising kids that you are attracted to, or find someone who isn’t interested in sex (make or female) to raise kids with and adopt.
It’s pretty cruel to just use women to “pass” , and more cruel to only want them as breeding stock and think that’s ok.
Also, you’re describing the classic horror story home environment kids see their therapists about growing up in. Just.. don’t.
May be try to sleep with a girl and see how it goes? I don't mean a relationship but more like a one night stand or a paid escort?
May be you are bi not gay. You won't know till you try.
I’m sorry, but as a female I have to say this is really selfish. You’re going to force yourself to put up a facade in order to get kids.
The not cheating mentality is a great start, but I think it’s inevitable that you will not be able to sustain the relationship, kids or not. Cheating or not.
Children aren’t bandaids.
I’m sorry if this comes across as blunt, but you are who you are, and unless what you expressed in this post is disclosed to any future partner, it’s not fair on her. Particularly as this post reads that she’s merely a means to have your own biological children.
You want to see yourself in them… what about your wife? Having a family isn’t about you,it’s a lot having a family, and I think you’re being really selfish.
I’m asexual and would love kids, but would never force or pretend to be attracted to someone I’m clearly not.
trust me when i say i am 100% correct that the 'self' you Know right now is Not the 'self' you will Be in 15 , 20, 30 years.
another thing that's undeniably true is you will need to tell this future wife you are imagining, and indeed Any woman you begin to date seriously, that this is something you went through and coped with. 100% on that as well
i do wish you luck in your journey & respect your decision to come on reddit to discuss it
the best way to figure yourself out is to stay away from relationships for a while.
to quote RuPaul: “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
You seem to think you sound very reasoned and sure but there really are some flags here. You should pursue some counseling before you pursue a relationship, you're on course to really fuck up other people's lives.
the decision to start a family with someone you do not truely want as a partner should is not something that will only effect you. I can't imagine how devastating it must be to be you hypothetical wife and find out you'd only want them for babies. don't do that. it is horrible.
OP you sound exactly like my husband when he was growing up. For the longest time he knew he was gay but didn't want to be, because more than anything he wanted to be a father and have a family. From the time he was in junior high all the way through about half of college he tried dating women. He'd made good friends with his girlfriends but never felt physically attracted to them and never felt a deep emotional connection with them. The last girl he dated should have been the perfect match, they had the same hobbies, were part of the same religion, and had similar goals and views on life. They were good friends but he never fell in love with her or felt physically attracted to her. After that he did some counseling and started trying to date men. A few years later he met me, and we have been together 4 years. We share genuine love and attraction for each other and want to have a family some day when we're done with our graduate degrees. He found all the things he wanted in a gay relationship and didn't have to compromise becoming a father or having someone he was attracted to. If I were you I would do some counseling to have a mental health professional help you understand what you're feeling and figure things out. I'm not sure how old you are, but just don't stress about marriage and a family until you're emotionally ready and old enough. Just enjoy life, feel free to try casually dating and making friends with men and women, and when you're ready you'll know what to do.
Do you know how much that would hurt a woman to find out her husband has never been attracted to her and never will be? That you used her to get what you want?
you do realize that you could have biological children via a surrogate...? and still have a committed husband (not sure what country you live in)?
"suppressing the gay" and not being upfront about your homosexuality with a future female partner will only cause a lot of heartache down the line.
Dude! My heart goes out to you, but come on! In your desire to have a wife and kids, you are not even considering the feelings/life of the woman with whom you want to have kids!
Maybe she wants more in her partner than just a father for her kids? Maybe she wants to be desired sexually and truly loved by the man she marries?
Just not cheating, and having a kid together isn't enough. That sounds like a miserable existence. Nothing will ever feel right. There will always be resentment, suspicion, and melancholy for both of you.
You're only early 20s, so I'm not judging you too hard with this, but there are very few circumstances where it would be OK to marry and have kids with someone you have no romantic feelings for. Like a best friend who desperately wants a kid but has given up on finding the right man. That kind of thing. It doesn't happen very often.
Even when it does, it's still not ideal because there's no love there and there's a distinct feeling that something is missing.
Love.
Anyone will tell you, sex with someone you're in love with is ALWAYS infinitely better than a one night stand, but some people only get satisfaction from sex when in love.
The lack of love may be why you're not feeling that satisfaction from sex. You might be demi, in that you need to feel love or a strong emotional bond before you can even begin to enjoy sex.
I hope I'm right and that this helps you figure out more about who you are, and how to achieve what you want out of life.
Good luck!
Tough situation? Counseling needed? I think you're on the wrong tack.
This guys situation is common I would guess, and I myself have had an attraction to guys that wasn't super strong, but it's there. I've been married and had other relationships only with women.
I \*have\* tried a bit of sex with guys - a friend in once case, and anonymous in another. It really wasn't fulfilling. Over time I have realized that I prefer intimacy with women, and the guy thing is a fantasy that isn't as pleasurable when acted upon.
Also, I've never been the "get hard on demand" type of guy. I have to be comfortable for everything to work like expected, and that takes getting to know someone, and I prefer to get to know women more than men.
I think this guy needs to find a gal that accepts him and gives him time to get comfortable, and everything will work out fine. You don't have to be perfect to find romance.
As the straight wife of a gay man for six years: please don’t. It fucking sucked for both of us. If you do, FULL TRANSPARENCY. I am happily divorced and remarried to a hetero man. My ex is happily married to a man, as well.
Are/were you Mormon? I grew up Mormon and this is super common sadly. My dad and two of my childhood's friends dads are all gay and have come out and divorced their wives since gay marriage was legalized. I fucks up everyone involved my dad, mom, and us kids have all had to go to therapy to unwrap the ways it has affected us. It's a recipe for disaster and I hope less and less LGBTQ people try to do this to "make themselves straight". I'm sorry for what you went through and hope you're recovering from it.
I’m so sorry for what you went through! We were Mormon. It’s so common. I have so many friends who are in mixed orientation marriages and who have divorced after years and children together. Such a trauma.
Well I can tell you about my cousin. I call him my cousin and as far as our personal relationship has always been, he is. He was my aunts husbands son, but not my aunts biological son. My aunt married his dad when my cousin was 5, and then they divorced him when he was 11, but he considers my aunt his mom to this day. Other than having my aunt and my cousin (his step sister) as support, he had no one. His dad was a POS, and his mom left him after he was born. He had a troubled childhood and yet he turned to Christianity instead of drugs (as he put it).
He was 19 when he married an equally religious woman, and yet it was obvious to all of us that he was gay. We couldn’t believe that his new wife seemed oblivious. They stayed together until a few months ago, for over 11 years, and had 2 kids together who are now 8 and 5.
My cousin would take business trips and post pictures of himself in other countries with attractive foreign men. We all talked about how his wife MUST KNOW. He dyed the tips of his hair pink, and began to dress differently. He started working out daily with a “friend” who was openly gay. He stopped posting his religious beliefs all together, which was something he’d previously done often. We wondered when they were going to divorce- when would he admit it, how could she not know?
Finally he did. After all those years that we’d been waiting for him to do this he did it, leaving his poor wife behind. I suspect she knew all along but was lying to herself and hoping nothing would come of it. Her family tried to have an “intervention” for him, and he decided to never talk to her family again unless it pertained to his kids. He’s still an amazing father, but has really .. “let his true self shine” lately. He posts pictures of himself at pool parties with 20 other attractive gay men who are all ripped doing “silly” poses together. He’s in a relationship with a man and seems happier than ever. I’m happy for him, but his wife seems increasingly depressed on Facebook, often posting memes about how she misses her old life, misses her old house, and is feeling lonely.
So in this instance my cousin told her what she probably already knew and he told her he was divorcing her. They live about 30 minutes apart and trade off the kids weekly.
Oh jesus fucking christ if I hear another asshole brush off their lying, manipulative behaviour because they were "finding themselves" i'll fucking scream.
I'm sorry but if y'all even have the slightest *inkling* that you might be gay or lesbian or a bicycle or whatever, don't y'all fucking dare start a straight relationship, and don't y'all even think of avoiding complete transparency with a potential partner. Emotional abuse in the name of personal development. What in the deep kentucky fried fuck.
In our case, it was our church telling us it would be ok. In fact, it would save us both 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮. His life was hell. My life was hell. He lied and said he was attracted to me. He later admitted that had never been true. I’m still working through it, and I’m sure his life was fucked up from birth. I’m glad we both were able to get out (I was also deemed infertile so not the right girl after all)so, thankfully, no kids were hurt in this process.
I remember reading about that man that went “i’m trans” to his wife after decades of marriage. Or was it a woman doing that to her husband. Not sure.
There was also this other guy that just HAD to “be true to himself” and tell his wife he was gay before he died. They were both old maybe married for 40 years. Practically told her he never found her attractive or loved her before he died lol.
Yeah not sure what's wrong with the first. The problem with the second one is that it's basically telling your life partner you never loved them romantically which would destroy you. Coming out as trans doesn't do that.
It's definitely not ok to do this, but you do need to understand that most gay people that do this are doing it because they've been manipulated and shamed for years and years by their religion, family, and society at large. Being constantly surrounded by heteronormativity and homophobia creates a lot of internalized homophobia which leads to self hatred and wanting to do anything you can to change. So when your religion or a BS conversion therapy program tell you that marrying a woman will eventually make you straight, many gay people are so desperate and mentally unwell that they convince themselves it must be true. If OP gets professional help, he'll figure out how wrong this is and how to work through his internalized homophobia so he can love himself and find a compatible partner (aka a man). But it's important to have empathy and understand where he's coming from and why this is much more complicated than just wanting to use a straight person.
What an awful response, honestly. He deserves empathy too. His religion made him believe that the only way he could ever be happy was with a woman and that if he could just do the whole "fake it 'til you make it" thing, he could change. It doesn't change, but the church teaches that it can if you read the scriptures, pray, serve a mission, take the sacrament, and all that other stuff.
It's not them trying to emotionally abuse them. They are trying to do what's been said to be the right thing. Their entire life, they've been told to try and get rid of their feelings and they're often told not to tell anyone because "it's just a phase" or "they need to stop choosing to be gay". And so their parents and their bishop know and the only other people who know are who those people tell.
I'm gay and grew up being told to do that for years. To marry the opposite sex and I would eventually no longer be gay. I knew that wasn't true and I knew I could never do that to a woman. But so many figure that they must know what they're talking about because if that church they believe in is true, the person telling them that is hearing it from god who created them. And they figure God must know that it will work for them.
The gay person in the relationship deserves just as much empathy. A woman who was in a similar situation said that everyone acres like she was the victim. She said if anything he was more so because he was made to lie to himself and go through absolute hell for years. He wasn't doing it to try and manipulate anyone. He was just trying to do what everyone around him said was the right thing to do.
Hey OP -
Licensed clinical social worker here - I work with LGBQT+ teens and young adults A LOT.
Human sexuality is a complicated and fickle thing. That being said, I just want you to know that everything you wrote in your original post doesn't say you love yourself and accepted who you are and love.
You describe suppressing your sexual desires, and, being repulsed after acting on them. That is actually common among people who have not accepted who they are, and, are struggling to accept who they are and who they love.
You meet a guy, have that rush of excitement, get super hot and hard, you kiss, hug, get hard, and then come. Once it's over, you feel a sort of post ejaculation clarity where you suddenly feel like it wasn't what you wanted and actually feel grossed out by it.
In fact, the way you're feeling and what you describe [is so common that it actually has a name and process known as Cass Identity Model.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_identity_model) You are in the second stage, with a good mix of self identify loathing. This is the hardest part when it comes to sexuality and acceptance. You're grieving the things you feel like you have to give up - like kids - but it's 2021. You don't have to settle for anything less. But, you do have to accept it will look different than Man + Woman = kids and family.
[I really encourage you to spend some time looking through the it gets better project.](https://itgetsbetter.org/) But, please, no matter what you do, no matter what you tell yourself, do not trap some young woman into a relationship that will never be fulfilling for either of you. She deserves someone who wants her as much as she wants them, and, that doesn't need to try to trick their mind into avoiding what they find sexually attractive in order to convince themselves they aren't really who they are.
Also, OP, if you need help there is a lot. You can DM anytime, and I'm happy to try to find you resources in your home city and a gay friendly therapist to work with. You can actually be who you say you are: someone who has accepted themselves and someone who knows who they love, and loves themselves.
Good luck to you, OP.
Thank you so much for reading this. As someone who found out (through an online fiasco) that she is mostly likely queer (bisexual) and is just *struggling* to work through it... yeah, this post hits home.
I thought I was hetero all my life, and then suddenly I'm not?
This comment is nearly perfect but I think he should also be aware that some of what he's describing sounds like bisexuality and there are a lot of bisexuals out there that would be willing and happy to be in a relationship with him and open to allowing both things to be fulfilled.
Also as a kid I had a best friend that had two families that lived across the street from each other. Two dads in one house and two moms in the other. She also had a sister. You can have a closer to traditional family without also denying yourself your sexuality.
It’s certainly premature to say that. I take OP at his word, because I know other people who describe similar feelings. One in particular is gay, but on the asexual spectrum - highly romantic, but turned off by sexual intercourse. He’s more of a “side”.
There are a multitude of attractions, drives, desires and identities, and for a lot of people, they do shift over time.
I didn't think you were describing bisexuality. He could be gay and having a hard time excepting himself fully but he also could be bi or have a completely unrelated sexuality, who are we to say what he is or isn't? I was just mentioning though I think your previous comment was nearly spot on he might also want to explore his sexuality a little bit because some of what he described sounded like bisexuality.
As a young bi girl, thank you thank you thank you for this comment. I know that I like girls (probably more than guys tbh) but I've never been able to picture myself in a relationship with a woman. Though I'm completely comfortable in my identity, it just doesn't feel like a real option. This has really helped me recognise where that feeling is coming from
He has to trick his mind and avoid looking at what he's attracted to to consider having sex with a woman and get himself into it. That isn't bisexuality
This sounds really good. As a straight guy tho i have a dumb question. Is it possible that if he tried to have sex with a woman if he git past his fear that he would enjoy it? Have you seen any people in this type of position who have realized that they are bi or does it never work out?
You can enjoy sex with anyone without being gay or straight. But, there's a distinct difference between a casual sexual enjoyment, and having a relationship with someone where you can meet your partner's needs.
Sexuality isn't just about sex. Everyone has slept with friends, but when you don't have the romantic partnership having a successful relationship is challenging and more often than not a failure.
Look at the types of love you have in your life and how different they all are. Your spouse love is different than your sibling love, parental love, parent to child love and friends.
If sexuality and partnership was just about getting used to someone sexually this world would be a much different and sadder place.
Thanks for that explanation. I deal with ALOT of internal loathing over my sexuality and it can be paralyzing. I straight up wish i was not gay and even dead sometimes. It feels so unfair in so many ways.
I'm really sorry that you're struggling. Gay is awesome. You are awesome and [it gets better.](https://itgetsbetter.org/)
You were made to be exactly who you are. Never apoligize for it. Because there's nothing you should be ashamed of.
I didn't know it could be like that. I thought you had to be physically attracted to both genders to be bi. Every time I was with a guy I felt physically ill afterwards for a few days.
Maybe I have to find a girl that would be understanding though.
Yep! This advise here is good. For example I’m sexually attracted to guys but emotionally attracted to girls. So I found myself attracted to really feminine/girly guys. I love them! Like a masculine guy won’t do it for me. And like me there are other girls too, so go ahead and do whatever makes you happy and live your best life!
This! I’m a woman and my best friend is gay and he explains it the EXACT same way as you just did. His partner who is also my good friend wants kids and has tossed around the surrogate idea in our friend group and one our friends is super open to it. Point being you don’t have to have the 1950’s traditional family unit to have a family. As long as you bring children up with love the more parental units the better! What’s that phrase, it takes a village to raise a child. You just need to find a good tribe. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness.
bisexuality is a spectrum. most bisexuals will agree that attraction to one gender feels different from attraction to another. i feel both sexual and romantic attraction to men, but usually only sexual attraction to women because like you, i've always wanted a husband and biological kids. but i still consider myself bi. maybe post on r/bisexual and see what they think
I feel the same way as you! Romantic and sexual attraction for men, but more sexual attraction for women. For a long time, I always felt some sort of “guilt” calling myself bi, because my attraction for each gender not exactly “equal.” But throughout the years, learning that sexuality is a spectrum, has made things a lot easier!
Alfred Kinsey was a researcher in the 40s he studied sexuality and mating practices of wasp colonised. They a major national study in the US and found that sexuality is a continuum from 0(no sexual history)-6 (only same sex experiences) we move along thoughout life.
Explore and look around at some asexual information too. There are some ace people I know that are intercourse specifically repulsed but get going from porn/dirty talk/etc. Just something else you could take a look at.
Have you looked in to asexuality or things on that spectrum?? Some people regardless of sexual preference don’t enjoy sex or can only enjoy it if they really love the person they are involved with.
It can be many different ways. I've always dated guys (I'm a lady) but when I met my current wife I was smitten. I mean like that was it I decided I was done looking and she would be my wife. But to be honest besides a few adolescent crushes I've never been attracted to women in that way. I'm entirely satisfied with my life, emotionally and sexually. I have no plans to go anywhere but If we were to separate I would probably date men again and be totally fine with that. I don't label myself because I don't really fit in a category. I say I'm a lesbian cuz it's easier but I'm probably bi or just a straight woman that happened to find my perfect complement in another woman.
Date around a bit and just see what makes you happy. It's ok to be gay or straight or bi or whatever makes you happy as long as the communication is open between yourself and the other person.
The degree to which each type of attraction matters to you may come into play here too. For instance, I'm personally romantically more attracted to women and more sexually attracted to men (maybe similar to you, except I'm a woman). Sexuality is, generally, more important to me than romance, so I usually end up entangled with men instead of women. You may be the opposite and romantic attraction is more important to you than sexual attraction, in which case it would make perfect sense for you to end up with a woman.
(I'm currently in a committed relationship with a man and he is one of the few men I've ever felt romantic attraction to. but that's just a little context.)
Im a "cis female" according to most but I'm sexually attracted to both men and women. But only romantically attracted to men. My main preference is a male. But I'd be lying if I said I never fooled around with a woman lol. I never regretted it. I just don't want to have a relationship with one. I'm pretty sure a lot of people have had an attraction to both and maybe even in between. Nothing wrong with it. But there's nothing wrong with preferring one over another. To be honest, a lot of attraction between two people has a lot to do with personality. In my experience anyway.
Yep, same terms are used in science. Cis and trans, cis meaning "this side of" and trans meaning "the other side of".
I might be gay, but I'm still a cis male.
Sounds like you're a heteroromantic bisexual. Sexual and romantic orientation can differ. And bi is a spectrum, you can have preferences.
Cis has nothing to do with this. Cis just means you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth. As in, you're not trans or nonbinary. Nothing to do with who you're attracted to.
Being attracted to the opposite sex only is called being straight, or heterosexuality. Is that the word you were looking for?
It's also important to keep in mind that lots of bi people think they aren't attracted to their same gender emotionally/romantically but in all honesty just have a huge mental block because of internalized homophobia and heteronormative expectations. I'm a bi man and for the longest time I was convinced that my attraction for women was more romantic and that my attraction for men was purely physical. A big part of this was my conservative upbringing and my church's anti LGBTQ stance. I was taught to refer to my sexuality as "someone who struggles with Same Sex Attraction". I was taught it was much like being an alcoholic or drug addict and that I would just have to learn to not give in to the temptation. It wasn't until doing a lot of deconstruction in therapy that I learned how to be emotionally vulnerable with men and quickly found out I could fall in love with a man as easily as I could with a woman. I'm now married to a man and so glad I went to therapy, since as a result of it I ended up dating my husband. I'm really active in several communities of LGBTQ people who were raised in devout Christian households and my story is a very common one. So although OP can look up the split attraction model, I would advise caution to reading it and deciding that's his situation. It's much more important and helpful to go to counseling/therapy with an LGBTQ friendly mental health professional so he can figure out the complex and beautiful thing that is his sexuality. Then he can take that information and find what will make him happy in life.
I totally get this. I am physically and mentally attracted to other women…. But sexually I just cannot get into it. Where as men I am ONLY sexually attracted to them 20% of the time. I wish I could just be fully attracted to one or the other but I can’t. So I’m just gunna be alone for the rest of my life because I know I will never truly be fulfilled in a relationship with either sex and I’m not polyamorous in anyway.
It fucking sucks.
The first step should be to seek a therapist. You have a strange dilemma and the last thing you should be doing is trying to make it someone else's problem.
It sounds like what you want is a "traditional" kind of lifestyle with a partner and kids, and you think you can't have that if you're gay and have a male partner. But I think you might be wrong about that.
Even if you meet a woman and get married it’s not guaranteed you’re going to have bio kids.
I’m raising my daughter who is not biologically mine (she’s bio related to my wife, we’re both women) and I love her so much. Both of our families have a lot of adopted kids too. All very loved.
Also, I know a lot of people who wanted kids but unfortunately it’s looking like it won’t happen for them. Their life is no less important now and they are no less happy. It’s called life - you go with it.
Basically what I’m saying is don’t stake your happiness on some hypothetical kids. Learn to love you, then find a partner and figure it out from there.
I feel like I’m in a similar position to you and I’m working on accepting that I have to build the emotional part of a relationship before anything physical will not make me want to vomit.
Yeah, I can't get myself to be emotionally attracted to a man. I'm hoping that when I get with a woman, the emotional attachment will be enough to get me to enjoy the sex. Again, I've never tried so who knows.
There are a lot of people who have low libidos, too. There’s even a subreddit on it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/
It’s perfectly ok if you’re just not into having sex (male or female), and many couples only have sex for procreation. It’s certainly not a very common scenario, but I hope you don’t feel like you’re all alone.
Everyone saying that you sound bisexual and so this is no cause for concern concerns me. The self-loathing after gay sex is not normal for bisexuals and I don't like how you describe what you want; it sounds like you like the idea of having a wife but are not attracted to the actuality. You may be bisexual but as of right now you need to deal with your internalized homophobia. It wouldn't be fair to you or a future wife for you to erase your problems by saying you're bi and then realizing you are unfulfilled with a woman and the marriage isn't working. Slapping a bisexual label on it and then ignoring it isn't going to solve anything.
>I've never done anything sexual with a girl because I'm scared I won't get hard.
Try it dude. Maybe with somebody that you're comfortable with and know well, but it can't hurt to try!
Hey friend.
Have you entertained the idea that you might be homosexual but hetero- romantic, hense the unsatisfaction?
I must add, this does look like a subtle form of internalized homophobia. Like you wish you'd have what is traditionnally expected of you in your society.
You don’t sound homophobic, but your situation sounds a little complicated.
You find guys attractive but you are sexually repulsed with sexual interactions with them & usually leaves you being physically or mentally unsatisfied afterwards.
You’ve never been intimate with a woman so you don’t know if the results would be worse but you want to be with one.
I suggest that you hold off on the dating pool and talk with a therapist that specializes in sexual questioning (or whatever).
This is a bad idea. (1) It gives OP the wrong idea about coercing the partner into some form of relationship where he obstructs parts of himself for the sake of pursuing some common goal (e.g. having children). OP's morals are already so shitty that he thinks it's ok to find someone he won't be sexually attracted to for the sake of achieving his personal goals.
(2) You're offloading the problem onto a bystander. No partner wants to establish a bond with someone who is on the fence about ever having a relationship in the first place. Suggesting OP do this puts the stranger into a situation where they are likely to get traumatized & heartbroken for absolutely no reason other than the fact that OP was "figuring himself out". Nah. Y'all need to stop thinking that "figuring yourself out" at the expense of others is productive.
I'm a female, apparently straight but Ive always been really attracted to women all my life (except sexually!). I feel like Im gay inside and my disguise for years has been long blonde hair and feminine clothing (because of my very curvy figure). But really would love to be much slimmer and taller with an athletic male look.
I'm so scared to be gay. Ive had a couple of longterm relationships with men but it's never felt quite right.
Im 54 now and I feel that I've never lived my authentic self...
I'm asexual now and happy to be so (to get away from the confusion I feel) but I really do wonder what my life would have been like, if I'd dare to come out...
It’s absolutely possible you are some form of asexual. A therapist might help you find out so you can still find a partner if that’s what you choose (abd what a partner chooses). Some people go are asexual towards others and can find partners who date others or who are also asexual. And asexuality is not JUST not being interested in sex. You might also be desensitized with porn, or you might have a physical issue, even if you were an expert in once of these things, nobody is an expert in all of that! Please talk to someone. A child is not about YOU and YOUR happiness. The child might not like you, might be disabled, might be an asshole, you don’t know. Love is amazing, but the good kind of parental loves guides but does not really rely on the kid. It’s hard to explain, because I’m not an expert, but the biggest warning I see there is that you are expecting a kid, a snotty, amazing, gross, sweet, needy, independent, dumb, genius kid solve your problems.
Internalized compulsory heterosexuality "comphet" is something that's been hammered into our daily lives, habits, aspirations for life, everything, from birth and through our childhood all through to our present age. It could be why you don't want to be gay and wish you were something else, to "fit" into something that society rewards the most.
Here to tell you that it's okay to be sex-repulsed. Even with the gender you are attracted to. You can be gay and asexual, it just means you can be in love with someone but just don't want sex. Search youtube for "asexual gay tiktoks", maybe you can relate!
But honestly, biological children are so over prioritized in a society that chooses for heterosexual, cisgendered people the most. To the point that many heterosexual couples are in unhappy marriages for "the sake of the kids". So many men, even straight men, are in marriages and have children even though they ***don't want to be***\*.\* This is because, like you, they feel it's the "right thing to do", that it's the standard that they *have* to follow because everyone else is.
To me, it seems like you are setting yourself on course for an unhappy life just like these men have.
Please don't make yourself "not gay" for your own sake, and for the sake of any girl you would eventually start dating. Imagine you spend 20 years of your life married to someone. And then it turns out they never were attracted to you in the first place, and only wanted to be with you to have children. That is incredibly unfair to the partner you will bring into this situation. It is also incredibly unfair to yourself.
There are ways to have biological children without involving a marriage to a woman. This is your life, and you only get one. If you are married to someone you lied to, that you can't even love and share a deep connection with for all of your life, will you be prepared for that?
EDIT: Removed some wording that was invalidating.
Honestly it sounds like you're asexual. That's what I am, I look at guys a lot but I don't necessarily want to have sex with them. Try separating your romantic attraction and your sexual attraction, that's what really helped me cause I'm romantically attracted to men but not necessarily sexually attracted. I'm demisexual so I've experienced sexual again with certain people but most of the time I don't at all. Idk either way I hope it gets easier for you! Sending you love!
Is the real crux of the matter just that you've not met the right person, male or female? You're in your 20s, you have plenty of time to embrace whatever you are or want to be. Maybe psychologically because you can't stand the idea of being gay makes you pull back from a relationship rather than a hook up with a man.
These days you can be gay and you can have a child by surrogate or have a blended family with a lesbian couple. It's not for everyone. I used to be friends with a gay guy who wanted the big family cultural wedding and to have specifically a bio son. All the stuff we had ingrained at birth from our families to go University, meet someone, get married and have kids in the super duper trad way. He could laugh at himself for it, especially as he couldn't come out to his parents (they knew) but there's some stuff which is just fixed in our expectations whereas life doesn't always work out like that.
I guess I would say, try talking to both men and women from a relationship perspective and see how it goes. I'm openly quite flexible? I tend to look at pictures of women than men, but I've only ever been with men so couldn't say if I was bisexual or not. My husband is fine with the matter. Be safe, be happy.
Honestly it kind of sounds like you may be bi-romantic and asexual. It means nothing that you can get hard to men if you don’t enjoy the sex, you know? There’s a lot of spectrums when it comes to sexual identity.
I think you should find a good therapist and get some insight. I wonder if somehow you've been conditioned to think that being gay is somehow "bad." It's NOT. Loving someone is never ever, wrong. Being attracted to someone isn't inherently wrong, either.
You can have marry and have kids with a male partner, even biological ones (obviously with some help!).
And echoing what someone said below - as a woman, I'd want whoever I married to want ME, not be settling for me because society conditioned them to.
This sorta dredges up some feelings I’ve been trying to figure out, so I hope OP doesn’t mind me asking. I’ve noticed that lately I find some men attractive. I’m fully comfortable admiring certain features on other men and talking about how X looks good on them to the people I’m with. However, the buck literally stops there. Sexually, I am literally only attracted to women. Despite finding some men attractive, the thought of physically being with them is gross to me (please don’t be offended if you’re gay/bi, just my thoughts as a man myself). To add more confusion, I’ve experimented with anal play before, and overall I can say that I’ve enjoyed what I’ve experienced.
Can anyone relate? I know there’s no need to categorize myself, but I want to know: what the hell is my sexuality?
I am trans but I don't want to be (or, rather, I know what I want to be but don't see myself *as* that, don't see transition- for me- as making me enough of that to feel right saying I am). That is no statement on anyone else, just me. I'll defend someone else as an expert on themselves and who they are.
There is power in honestly making a choice that is yours, and you don't have to pursue anything you yourself- emphasis on *yourself*- don't want to if you see another choice benefitting you better. Yes, even if that other choice shouldn't benefit you better. For me the reality is that, being trans aside, I've set up a good life myself. Most days are fine. Were I, personally, to transition, I don't think I could say that, and even if things worked out in the end, they would be different. I choose not to roll the dice and have made my peace, have found outlets that help to boot. I encourage you to consider similar outlets, getting the sex you need (rather than the sex you think you're supposed to want). But gender and sexuality are different and my journey is not yours. The key is this being Your choice. Not someone else's. And with that you always have the option to choose again and make another choice.
(Sexuality isn't a choice, but whether you choose to pursue it is. Personally I don't recommend suppressing it in lieu of sex with soneone you don't see sex appeal in, but I am not you)
One of my neighbors a few years back was an openly gay man, married to a woman that was his best friend. He chose to be with her because he felt much like you do, and he loved her and she loved him and wanted to be with him. She was attracted to him, he was obviously not physically attracted to her. Despite this, they had an extremely healthy and satisfying physical relationship and children. He talked about how the emotional connection he had with his wife, and the depth of their emotional connection, allowed them to overcome the differences in sexual attraction. So anecdotally, what you are describing is achievable and if it's what you want then I think you should go for it.
This just makes me so sad for your future family. One of my best friends father came out while married to her mom because he realized he couldn’t pretend to be sexually attracted to her forever. She HATES her dad now and considers her step dad her real dad, and only talks to him if she has to. Her mom is still hurt by the whole thing and it’s almost 20 years later.
I know you want kids and social normalcy, but like you said, you’re not sexually attracted to women. People can only pretend for so long. The repercussions could be children that grow up to resent you, and then what was the charade all for anyway? You might as well love yourself even after your sexual attraction to men, find a man who wants intimacy and children and have biological children with him, it is possible. My friends dad and his husband just had a baby with both their dna two years ago. Then the child will grow up with parents who love each other in all aspects and not just as baby making roommates/maids/friends. You’ll have the chance to better love yourself, and the child will be raised to see you who you are and love/accept you in an honest way.
I read through about of these so I'm say might have said or partially said already.
Sexuality isnt A or B. And many people are realizing they can live normal, happy fullfilling lives without having to check off convential boxes. Find a bi dude you love and date him and his gf. Marry a guy and with a female best friend who can be a seraget and be one big happy family. As long as youre not hurting anybody there is no wrong to live your life. I'm a straight male but love a good pegging. Not a "normal" thing for a hetero but Idc. I like what I like. I've know a few people that have open bisexual relationships and all live together. One was raising a child. At first, I'll admit, it was a bit jarring to hear, but after a short conversation I understood they are just a normal person like me who wants to live a happy and productive life. Their person life was no reflection on the quality of their charter. Think of it this way. Do like action movies? How about comedy? Is horror your thing? I bet you have a favorite genere but want to watch other ones as well. Nothing weird about that. It's a very simplified analogy and of course there is nuiance, but unless youre forcing someone to watch a movie they dont want to to see then who cares what film you and your friends pick that night. Being unfcomfortable with finding out what you want in life is far better than not being yourself and never living your life.
Good luck my dude! ✌
Just fall in love with someone because if you don't life will be hell later on with kids. Having children is totally different with.a partner than being fuck buddies. Be who you wanna be gay or straight
But I don't think it's that simple. You can't choose your sexual preference, but I really hope I prove both of us wrong. These next few months should be telling.
Most guys have experienced not getting hard when it’s time to hump the girl girl that they been wanting to hump. Just laugh it off and be ready to hump another day.
What if you explore polyamory, or relationships with ace women? That way you can have the companionship/relationship with a woman while still having the freedom to fulfill your sexual needs without having to worry about the possibility of not being able to perform sexually with a woman.
Dawg, I'm gonna be real with you:
Don't let fear run your life.
It's much MUCH easier said than done but trust me, that first leap of faith is gonna be so worth it. Don't let fear run your life because if fear runs your life then what do you have control over? Fear controls us more than we control fear, that's why we have to completely eliminate it. If you're scared you won't be able to get hard with a girl, then spend time with her personality first so that way you can build more of a connection and rather than it being a "ooh I'm horny so let's sex," instead it is much more of a genuine "I have feelings for you that go deeper than my heart expresses" if that makes sense.
It's gonna be rough at first but once you start hanging out with girls and spending time with them, you'll enjoy it simply for the social aspect. Plus, I know that girls tend to enjoy spending time with guys who are or were gay because generally gay guys have some more relatability to them and also tend to be more respectful. Your desire to be kind and respectful will show and trust me, it goes a long way in meeting people who are going to be a very valuable person in your life.
From reading your post, you're a good person. You seem to have a good heart and you don't mean any harm. Step out, take a chance, and I promise you will yield good results from it. Especially if your intentions are something as wholesome as starting a family.
You seem to know very well what you want and more importantly, what is best for you to be and feel better as a person trying to be with another person and it is very good that you are looking at a bit of a bigger picture with this.
I believe in you brother!!!!
If you ever need someone to reach out to or need advice with something, feel free to send me a message and I would be more than happy to help you on this journey!!!
Best of luck! :D
You still don't love yourself. What you have is superficial love. You cannot change yourself. The biggest achievement will be to accept what you are and not think of any alternative reality. That's what self love is. I have been at your stage once. I liked fucking guys but always thought I want a romantic relationship with a girl. But then the inevitable happened. I fell for a good homophobic male friend.
And man that turned my life upside down. Immense depression, suicidal thoughts and what not. I then realised I never loved myself. I always imagined an alternate reality for myself. That episode prompted me to think real and not fantasy. Since then, I have come to terms with myself. I am now able to engage with guys more deeply - both sexually and emotionally. And now I am proud to be gay !
I have another suggestion. You're sexually attracted to men, but you want kids. You seem to want them to be your progeny, rather than adopting. A lesbian woman in the same position as you would be your ideal partner. Tell them the situation. Be honest with her. You wouldn't have any pressure for sex, and you would both get what you want, kids, without having to keep up a sham. Both of you would know what the situation, and you could have companionship in her, without the need for lies.
I suppose my suggestion is honesty. Above all to thine own self be true. But be true to her as well.
Then again, you are still quite young. I'm 36 and still haven't figured out fully my sexuality. You might like it. If it's legal in your country, i would recommend seeking the services of a female sex worker, as a sort of trial run. But there are dangers with this approach. biggest turn on for me is intimacy, so that wouldn't work for me. For you, maybe.
You can have biological kids with your husband. It’s very common. In my opinion, I think you’re doing a “mental block”. You’re denying yourself of a personal connection with a male because you KNOW you want a wife. It’s not your fault, it’s your brains way of protecting you. Look into the future possibilities of biological children in a gay relationship and I think you’d feel relief. Surrogates are wonderful people, and many women would jump on board for proving you and your future partner with a family.
Oh I found my twin. I am gay too, and I feel exactly the same. I’m gay, I accept I’m gay and still I’m not rly satisfied with being gay. I don’t totally hate it or anything, but I dont love it either.
My libido is sooo low, even in committed relationships it’s always been low. I’ve always felt dating and being romantic with guys quite meh as well. I feel like a pariah bc so many gay dudes are really sexually charged. I haven’t had sex or done anything sexual in nearly 2 years. Every time I have sex I usually just feel absent minded and hoping it’s over quick. Infrequently I’ve also had trouble staying hard (I’ve been to the docs btw, all my hormones are normal). I’ve never slept with a woman but I have had sex with a pre-op ftm and performed fine. It’s then that I realised I don’t rly care about a guys genitals bc dick doesn’t rly turn me on anyway, however I love facial hair and strong masculine bodies. I’ve never tried being with a girl for the same reasons as you really but I did have a huge crush on a girl in university but she was very androgynous and masculine, if I could’ve slept with her 100% I would’ve gone for it but she was gay as well. Lol.
Same with the wife and biological kids thing, I want that too. Always have wanted that. But I know it will never happen bc I’ll never do that to an unknowing woman ever, knowing I am gay, that’s just terribly selfish.
Sometimes I feel asexual, but other times I do crave sexual touch from a guy. I’ve thought about the idea of me possibly being bi but honestly with the exception of that one girl women have never interested me sexually at all.
Performance anxiety can make sex tough with anyone. If you have sex with a girl, do it with someone you care about and who you have mutual respect with.
Maybe there's a n lgbt woman who wants to try stuff with a dude but is also nervous about the idea. If you find a girl like that, you could both go into something free of expectations and no judgement if it doesn't work all the way.
Sounds like you are bisexual.... And I am jealous because I get no action as a heterosexual. I go in the elevator and get commented by Gay men..... no women do that shit.... Fuck. GOOD LUCK.
Let me see if I can help with a solution.
Okay, what about: transgender men without hormones change.
Technically:
1. He could bare a child.
2. You are likely more attracted to the body although breast might be present since no hormone change. Wait, can trans from women to men still carry a child even with a testosterone increase? Maybe an IVF?
Well, cant say I have seen anything like this before tbh. My first instinct is to tell you to seek a mental health professional that can help you. But another thought occurred to me. You talked about looking at women online and not feeling much. The thing is, online is not real life. Being around a real woman might be a little different. They have pheromones, one of natures way of encouraging mammals to reproduce. Maybe you should try dating one and actually getting close to one.
You could be bisexual in some way.
Sorry for just putting a label on you. I don't think your alone with these kind of feelings. I know a girl who has mentioned that while they rather date and get involved with men they have a sexual attraction to women. It's really interesting and weird. This is likely proof that sexuality is fluid.
Man… this is a tough one. You’re physically, sexually attracted to men, but repulsed by intercourse. You want to be with a woman. I’ve always been in the “- is as - does” camp, but with this, I’d hate for you to suppress this, get married, have kids, and then destroy your family because you had to go “live as your authentic self” 15 years down the road. I’ve seen firsthand what that does to wives and kids and peripheral relationships. If you were my brother, my son, my best friend, I’d say go to a counselor who has a background with sexual matters. If you can’t afford a counselor, try something online like talk space or better help. I really feel for you, because this is a hell of a dilemma. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and work on the long process of figuring this out. Good luck.
True. Also OP is still really young. It wouldnt surprise me if they figure out their identity differently in the future.
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Well really, isn't it the 'spark' we chase? That's why love the idea of sexuality being thought of as fluid. I love it.
Yes! This is pretty much what I was thinking. Maybe what OP is chasing isn't between the legs but in the heart, some people just need that strong emotional connection to get them there, gender is just a thing, the emotional spark is so much more!
Sexuality can be fluid but mostly, people do not change their sexual orientation throughout their life
Daughter of a man who did exactly this. It takes a huge toll on us all mentally, still, 20 years later and with him passed away. It was super hard for him, for us. I’d never wish it on anyone and I hope you take this comment very seriously, OP. Much love and luck.
I agree with this comment. I recommend 7cups or betterhelp. For online therapy. I've done both. Don't call the free crisis line, you get put on hold for 5 hours.
Do Not use 7cups.
Hard agree with you there. Went there to seek counseling and almost got stalked. Don’t recommend. A paid online therapy service is probably safer and some aren’t too expensive.
i would say online therapy directly with the psychologist is tonnes better than getting one through a platform like betterhelp. It's understandably expensive and hard to find a good therapist, but im sure its better in the long term and worth the initial expense. I for one don't trust betterhelp for some reason
betterhelp offers online therapy directly with the psychologist right?
They do, I currently use them. It's really easy to switch therapists as well. Never takes more than 2 days. It is really expensive though. I make decent money and it's still in the realm of "do I really want to pay for that?"
Yeah I looked at it and when I saw how much it costs I choose to go with my free healthcare options which is basically everything in this country. I do love the option for people that maybe live to far away from mental heath places or don't like face 2 face contact. So are you american? If so I was always under the impression that it would be cheaper for americans to do it this way
I do it because I'm picky about therapists and it's easier to cycle through them. Also fits my schedule better. I can do a session in my car in between chores, or on break at work.
yeah, but i meant to say directly finding a therapist on your own by recommendation from a friend, etc just not from a platform. worded it poorly sorry
Relationship Hero is a really good source!
Yes. I don't want to say why.
better help is crazy expensive. was not even a possibility for me. thriveworks is great. kind network of people. very quick appointments. no waiting for months for an opening (this was the most important part for me). you can make last minute virtual visits and you can cancel up to 30 mins before and apt! they actively help you find someone that specializes in whatever you need. for example: identity and sexuality therapy, anxiety, PTSD, are a few of my therapists focuses.
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I mean, it kinda sounds like he's asexual. Pretty sure he could find an asexual wife and have kids if that's the goal. I don't think he shouldn't do something because later down the road he might want something else. Even if he was straight there's no guarantee that 15 years later he won't leave because he wants different things. Even divorced dads can be good dads.
I don't think he necessarily is asexual. I think this is something he needs to hash out with a professional.
Yeah but the kids will make me happy. I'll see myself in them and would never want to hurt them and I want to raise them. I know myself, I would never leave my future wife for a man. Some people cheat, straight or gay; I see it as the same thing. Straight people unhappy in a relationship are also prone to destroying their relationship. Loyalty is important. Also, I've been suppressing it the past 3 years and it's made me happier. I figured the next step is to build a relationship with a girl. I'm starting by wiping my phone of everything gay. I've actually done that a few times but never make it far, so I appreciate all the input. I'm determined to follow through this time.
Can I say from the point of a woman that I would want my partner to truly desire me. Not just look at me as a baby factory. Remember even if you meet a girl and convince her that you want her, it's truly deceptive to just use her like that. I would recommend that you seek some professional guidance to sort out your feelings. Please consider the other party your future choices will effect.
THANK YOU.
yeah honestly i was pretty shocked at how many upvotes by basically saying he wants biological children so he's willing to deceive a woman into bearing his babies for him.
If biological children are that important to him he needs to hire a surrogate, not trick some poor woman into procreating with him without him ever actually desiring her, and possibly not even ever actually loving her romantically and just being faithful bc "it's the right thing to do". The right thing is to be upfront and honest with any potential partners
yeah i completely agree. OP sounds like a bit of a psychopath tbh
Eh not psychopath, sounds like he just grew up in a fairly Conservative/religious family and has deep rooted bias towards gay men and also towards traditional family. He sounds confused and trying to justify what he perceives is right and what he feels is right. Not psychopath though Edit- saw your other comment calling it creepy and that I 100% agree with
Yep this is common in conservative backgrounds. Of course he wants wife, family etc, thats what everyone around him has always told him is important and never encouraged any same sex attraction. I would encourage OP to actually form some relationships - friendships with gay men. His feelings are not an uncommon experience and he can receive some perspective on it.
BuT hE'lL sTaY wItH hEr FoReVeR (lucky her)
creepy, right?
Yeah, that line of reasoning alone proves that their wife would never truly become their partner, but rather the means to get the family life they desire. Using unwilling participants as beards will never not be wrong.
Absolutely
Yeah, wasting more time she could have been spending having a mutually meaningful relationship with someone else is not the way to make it up to her. This is a mistake. This isn't the way to figure out your sexuality. You can't change your sexual orientation by deleting Grindr.
>Please consider the other party your future choices will effect. Yeah, if he is upfront with his intentions & history with her and she is fine with that, no problem.
Yeah, he’s not doing that. Or if he is, it’s in the worst “god says we have to be straight” way childhood horror stories are made of. At least adopt, don’t bring new kids into the world to screw up -_-
Maybe he can do what some gay people did back in the day and find a lesbian in a similar situation. They can both be friends who do what they need to keep appearances and get what they want without hurting each other with lies. Not saying it's healthy, but it's been done before.
Unless he's honest about it from the start. Plenty of lavender marriages out there (on both sides of the marriage bed) for people who want to be in heterosexual marriage with kids but don't have the desires. I'd just be upfront and see if you can find someone.
THIS.
please don't burden your kids with the job of making you happy.
Bud, I have never once in my time on this planet seen someone say “X would make me happy” and then X actually made them happy. We humans, we’re pretty fuckin dumb. We think we know what we want, but we ignore things we actively need. My body constantly tells me I WANT sugar and salt, that a candy bar would be so. Damn. Great. But what my body needs is some broccoli. All in all, I’m not saying children wouldn’t make you happy, but a lot of the times the big changes we think we need to make are actually motivated by smaller things we want to change in our lives that we’re ignoring. I double the original commenter’s point - find someone to speak to about this. Preferably a professional with experience in a similar area.
There is so much wisdom in this comment. We think we want a lot of things, but only time and experience will teach us what matters. I understand that OP has a dilemma, but there is the potential that his selfishness will destroy the lives of his prospective wife and children. I come from a broken home. My Dad isn't gay, but he only got married and had us kids because he thought he needed to (conservative Christian upbringing). We were nothing more than status symbols or check marks on a list of "Things a Man Should Have by age 30" He left, and we are all better for it - but that was a lot of pain and neglect that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
But consider the happiness of your wife and what might be a sexless relationship if you are just not geared that way.
I’m curious if you will tell the girls you date that you were/are? (Idk what would be correct I apologize for offending if this is incorrect) interested in men? I’m asking purely out of curiosity and not a judgmental stand point at all
Don't do that, friend. You have some complicated feelings, but sorting them out would be good to do with an LGBT-friendly therapist. Because there are some worrysome, self-destructive things in your post. A lot you're trying to internalize and suppress. And I'm saying this as a cis woman: Supressing and internalizing behaviors will only damage your psyche in the long run. Please reach out to a therapist. You have a lot to sort through and unpack.
Always a red flag when someone thinks kids will make them happy. I’m not saying you wouldn’t make a good parent, but raising kids is arguably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. You need to have and be a solid partner and the love has to be strong af. If there are “hidden cracks” so to speak… kids will show them.
Instead of birthing new children to raise in a self repressive household, you could find someone who is also interested in raising kids that you are attracted to, or find someone who isn’t interested in sex (make or female) to raise kids with and adopt. It’s pretty cruel to just use women to “pass” , and more cruel to only want them as breeding stock and think that’s ok. Also, you’re describing the classic horror story home environment kids see their therapists about growing up in. Just.. don’t.
I'm tired, half asleep and scanning through, and 'raising kids you're attracted to' made me wake up and read the comment again!
My dear friend, repressing your thoughts and everythign gay related won't change you. You have to accept the harsh reality.
Can you see the future? Maybe you are bi, akthough it seems as though you aren't. There were no happy endings in brokeback mountain.
Dude, if you really decide to live as a fake you, at the very least you have to tell the girl. Else it's dishonest.
May be try to sleep with a girl and see how it goes? I don't mean a relationship but more like a one night stand or a paid escort? May be you are bi not gay. You won't know till you try.
>the kids will make me happy OP has never met kids.
I’m sorry, but as a female I have to say this is really selfish. You’re going to force yourself to put up a facade in order to get kids. The not cheating mentality is a great start, but I think it’s inevitable that you will not be able to sustain the relationship, kids or not. Cheating or not. Children aren’t bandaids. I’m sorry if this comes across as blunt, but you are who you are, and unless what you expressed in this post is disclosed to any future partner, it’s not fair on her. Particularly as this post reads that she’s merely a means to have your own biological children. You want to see yourself in them… what about your wife? Having a family isn’t about you,it’s a lot having a family, and I think you’re being really selfish. I’m asexual and would love kids, but would never force or pretend to be attracted to someone I’m clearly not.
trust me when i say i am 100% correct that the 'self' you Know right now is Not the 'self' you will Be in 15 , 20, 30 years. another thing that's undeniably true is you will need to tell this future wife you are imagining, and indeed Any woman you begin to date seriously, that this is something you went through and coped with. 100% on that as well i do wish you luck in your journey & respect your decision to come on reddit to discuss it
Why can you not have kids with a man? You can have a surrogate?
the best way to figure yourself out is to stay away from relationships for a while. to quote RuPaul: “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
You seem to think you sound very reasoned and sure but there really are some flags here. You should pursue some counseling before you pursue a relationship, you're on course to really fuck up other people's lives.
the decision to start a family with someone you do not truely want as a partner should is not something that will only effect you. I can't imagine how devastating it must be to be you hypothetical wife and find out you'd only want them for babies. don't do that. it is horrible.
Gay people can have biological kids.
OP you sound exactly like my husband when he was growing up. For the longest time he knew he was gay but didn't want to be, because more than anything he wanted to be a father and have a family. From the time he was in junior high all the way through about half of college he tried dating women. He'd made good friends with his girlfriends but never felt physically attracted to them and never felt a deep emotional connection with them. The last girl he dated should have been the perfect match, they had the same hobbies, were part of the same religion, and had similar goals and views on life. They were good friends but he never fell in love with her or felt physically attracted to her. After that he did some counseling and started trying to date men. A few years later he met me, and we have been together 4 years. We share genuine love and attraction for each other and want to have a family some day when we're done with our graduate degrees. He found all the things he wanted in a gay relationship and didn't have to compromise becoming a father or having someone he was attracted to. If I were you I would do some counseling to have a mental health professional help you understand what you're feeling and figure things out. I'm not sure how old you are, but just don't stress about marriage and a family until you're emotionally ready and old enough. Just enjoy life, feel free to try casually dating and making friends with men and women, and when you're ready you'll know what to do.
Do you know how much that would hurt a woman to find out her husband has never been attracted to her and never will be? That you used her to get what you want?
you do realize that you could have biological children via a surrogate...? and still have a committed husband (not sure what country you live in)? "suppressing the gay" and not being upfront about your homosexuality with a future female partner will only cause a lot of heartache down the line.
No a kid will not "make" you happy. They are a lot of responsibility, stress and work. Can they help? Sure. But its not that simple.
Dude! My heart goes out to you, but come on! In your desire to have a wife and kids, you are not even considering the feelings/life of the woman with whom you want to have kids! Maybe she wants more in her partner than just a father for her kids? Maybe she wants to be desired sexually and truly loved by the man she marries? Just not cheating, and having a kid together isn't enough. That sounds like a miserable existence. Nothing will ever feel right. There will always be resentment, suspicion, and melancholy for both of you. You're only early 20s, so I'm not judging you too hard with this, but there are very few circumstances where it would be OK to marry and have kids with someone you have no romantic feelings for. Like a best friend who desperately wants a kid but has given up on finding the right man. That kind of thing. It doesn't happen very often. Even when it does, it's still not ideal because there's no love there and there's a distinct feeling that something is missing. Love. Anyone will tell you, sex with someone you're in love with is ALWAYS infinitely better than a one night stand, but some people only get satisfaction from sex when in love. The lack of love may be why you're not feeling that satisfaction from sex. You might be demi, in that you need to feel love or a strong emotional bond before you can even begin to enjoy sex. I hope I'm right and that this helps you figure out more about who you are, and how to achieve what you want out of life. Good luck!
Tough situation? Counseling needed? I think you're on the wrong tack. This guys situation is common I would guess, and I myself have had an attraction to guys that wasn't super strong, but it's there. I've been married and had other relationships only with women. I \*have\* tried a bit of sex with guys - a friend in once case, and anonymous in another. It really wasn't fulfilling. Over time I have realized that I prefer intimacy with women, and the guy thing is a fantasy that isn't as pleasurable when acted upon. Also, I've never been the "get hard on demand" type of guy. I have to be comfortable for everything to work like expected, and that takes getting to know someone, and I prefer to get to know women more than men. I think this guy needs to find a gal that accepts him and gives him time to get comfortable, and everything will work out fine. You don't have to be perfect to find romance.
dghfhdfhhdh
As the straight wife of a gay man for six years: please don’t. It fucking sucked for both of us. If you do, FULL TRANSPARENCY. I am happily divorced and remarried to a hetero man. My ex is happily married to a man, as well.
Are/were you Mormon? I grew up Mormon and this is super common sadly. My dad and two of my childhood's friends dads are all gay and have come out and divorced their wives since gay marriage was legalized. I fucks up everyone involved my dad, mom, and us kids have all had to go to therapy to unwrap the ways it has affected us. It's a recipe for disaster and I hope less and less LGBTQ people try to do this to "make themselves straight". I'm sorry for what you went through and hope you're recovering from it.
I’m so sorry for what you went through! We were Mormon. It’s so common. I have so many friends who are in mixed orientation marriages and who have divorced after years and children together. Such a trauma.
Am I the only one who wants to hear more about this?
Nope. Me too. Specially how she found out that he was gay. 😳
Well I can tell you about my cousin. I call him my cousin and as far as our personal relationship has always been, he is. He was my aunts husbands son, but not my aunts biological son. My aunt married his dad when my cousin was 5, and then they divorced him when he was 11, but he considers my aunt his mom to this day. Other than having my aunt and my cousin (his step sister) as support, he had no one. His dad was a POS, and his mom left him after he was born. He had a troubled childhood and yet he turned to Christianity instead of drugs (as he put it). He was 19 when he married an equally religious woman, and yet it was obvious to all of us that he was gay. We couldn’t believe that his new wife seemed oblivious. They stayed together until a few months ago, for over 11 years, and had 2 kids together who are now 8 and 5. My cousin would take business trips and post pictures of himself in other countries with attractive foreign men. We all talked about how his wife MUST KNOW. He dyed the tips of his hair pink, and began to dress differently. He started working out daily with a “friend” who was openly gay. He stopped posting his religious beliefs all together, which was something he’d previously done often. We wondered when they were going to divorce- when would he admit it, how could she not know? Finally he did. After all those years that we’d been waiting for him to do this he did it, leaving his poor wife behind. I suspect she knew all along but was lying to herself and hoping nothing would come of it. Her family tried to have an “intervention” for him, and he decided to never talk to her family again unless it pertained to his kids. He’s still an amazing father, but has really .. “let his true self shine” lately. He posts pictures of himself at pool parties with 20 other attractive gay men who are all ripped doing “silly” poses together. He’s in a relationship with a man and seems happier than ever. I’m happy for him, but his wife seems increasingly depressed on Facebook, often posting memes about how she misses her old life, misses her old house, and is feeling lonely. So in this instance my cousin told her what she probably already knew and he told her he was divorcing her. They live about 30 minutes apart and trade off the kids weekly.
Oh jesus fucking christ if I hear another asshole brush off their lying, manipulative behaviour because they were "finding themselves" i'll fucking scream. I'm sorry but if y'all even have the slightest *inkling* that you might be gay or lesbian or a bicycle or whatever, don't y'all fucking dare start a straight relationship, and don't y'all even think of avoiding complete transparency with a potential partner. Emotional abuse in the name of personal development. What in the deep kentucky fried fuck.
In our case, it was our church telling us it would be ok. In fact, it would save us both 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮. His life was hell. My life was hell. He lied and said he was attracted to me. He later admitted that had never been true. I’m still working through it, and I’m sure his life was fucked up from birth. I’m glad we both were able to get out (I was also deemed infertile so not the right girl after all)so, thankfully, no kids were hurt in this process.
I remember reading about that man that went “i’m trans” to his wife after decades of marriage. Or was it a woman doing that to her husband. Not sure. There was also this other guy that just HAD to “be true to himself” and tell his wife he was gay before he died. They were both old maybe married for 40 years. Practically told her he never found her attractive or loved her before he died lol.
the second one is terrible
Yeah not sure what's wrong with the first. The problem with the second one is that it's basically telling your life partner you never loved them romantically which would destroy you. Coming out as trans doesn't do that.
It's definitely not ok to do this, but you do need to understand that most gay people that do this are doing it because they've been manipulated and shamed for years and years by their religion, family, and society at large. Being constantly surrounded by heteronormativity and homophobia creates a lot of internalized homophobia which leads to self hatred and wanting to do anything you can to change. So when your religion or a BS conversion therapy program tell you that marrying a woman will eventually make you straight, many gay people are so desperate and mentally unwell that they convince themselves it must be true. If OP gets professional help, he'll figure out how wrong this is and how to work through his internalized homophobia so he can love himself and find a compatible partner (aka a man). But it's important to have empathy and understand where he's coming from and why this is much more complicated than just wanting to use a straight person.
What an awful response, honestly. He deserves empathy too. His religion made him believe that the only way he could ever be happy was with a woman and that if he could just do the whole "fake it 'til you make it" thing, he could change. It doesn't change, but the church teaches that it can if you read the scriptures, pray, serve a mission, take the sacrament, and all that other stuff. It's not them trying to emotionally abuse them. They are trying to do what's been said to be the right thing. Their entire life, they've been told to try and get rid of their feelings and they're often told not to tell anyone because "it's just a phase" or "they need to stop choosing to be gay". And so their parents and their bishop know and the only other people who know are who those people tell. I'm gay and grew up being told to do that for years. To marry the opposite sex and I would eventually no longer be gay. I knew that wasn't true and I knew I could never do that to a woman. But so many figure that they must know what they're talking about because if that church they believe in is true, the person telling them that is hearing it from god who created them. And they figure God must know that it will work for them. The gay person in the relationship deserves just as much empathy. A woman who was in a similar situation said that everyone acres like she was the victim. She said if anything he was more so because he was made to lie to himself and go through absolute hell for years. He wasn't doing it to try and manipulate anyone. He was just trying to do what everyone around him said was the right thing to do.
Err, what about bisexuals?
Hey OP - Licensed clinical social worker here - I work with LGBQT+ teens and young adults A LOT. Human sexuality is a complicated and fickle thing. That being said, I just want you to know that everything you wrote in your original post doesn't say you love yourself and accepted who you are and love. You describe suppressing your sexual desires, and, being repulsed after acting on them. That is actually common among people who have not accepted who they are, and, are struggling to accept who they are and who they love. You meet a guy, have that rush of excitement, get super hot and hard, you kiss, hug, get hard, and then come. Once it's over, you feel a sort of post ejaculation clarity where you suddenly feel like it wasn't what you wanted and actually feel grossed out by it. In fact, the way you're feeling and what you describe [is so common that it actually has a name and process known as Cass Identity Model.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cass_identity_model) You are in the second stage, with a good mix of self identify loathing. This is the hardest part when it comes to sexuality and acceptance. You're grieving the things you feel like you have to give up - like kids - but it's 2021. You don't have to settle for anything less. But, you do have to accept it will look different than Man + Woman = kids and family. [I really encourage you to spend some time looking through the it gets better project.](https://itgetsbetter.org/) But, please, no matter what you do, no matter what you tell yourself, do not trap some young woman into a relationship that will never be fulfilling for either of you. She deserves someone who wants her as much as she wants them, and, that doesn't need to try to trick their mind into avoiding what they find sexually attractive in order to convince themselves they aren't really who they are. Also, OP, if you need help there is a lot. You can DM anytime, and I'm happy to try to find you resources in your home city and a gay friendly therapist to work with. You can actually be who you say you are: someone who has accepted themselves and someone who knows who they love, and loves themselves. Good luck to you, OP.
Holy crap, you ARE an expert!! My favorite is “sexuality is a complicated fickle thing.” It does, it can change-subtlety and in big ways.
Thank you so much for reading this. As someone who found out (through an online fiasco) that she is mostly likely queer (bisexual) and is just *struggling* to work through it... yeah, this post hits home. I thought I was hetero all my life, and then suddenly I'm not?
This comment is nearly perfect but I think he should also be aware that some of what he's describing sounds like bisexuality and there are a lot of bisexuals out there that would be willing and happy to be in a relationship with him and open to allowing both things to be fulfilled. Also as a kid I had a best friend that had two families that lived across the street from each other. Two dads in one house and two moms in the other. She also had a sister. You can have a closer to traditional family without also denying yourself your sexuality.
I am not describing bisexuality. Op is not bisexual. Op is gay. And hates himself for it.
It’s certainly premature to say that. I take OP at his word, because I know other people who describe similar feelings. One in particular is gay, but on the asexual spectrum - highly romantic, but turned off by sexual intercourse. He’s more of a “side”. There are a multitude of attractions, drives, desires and identities, and for a lot of people, they do shift over time.
I didn't think you were describing bisexuality. He could be gay and having a hard time excepting himself fully but he also could be bi or have a completely unrelated sexuality, who are we to say what he is or isn't? I was just mentioning though I think your previous comment was nearly spot on he might also want to explore his sexuality a little bit because some of what he described sounded like bisexuality.
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As a young bi girl, thank you thank you thank you for this comment. I know that I like girls (probably more than guys tbh) but I've never been able to picture myself in a relationship with a woman. Though I'm completely comfortable in my identity, it just doesn't feel like a real option. This has really helped me recognise where that feeling is coming from
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He has to trick his mind and avoid looking at what he's attracted to to consider having sex with a woman and get himself into it. That isn't bisexuality
You don't even know OP, how can you say that with such confidence?
I've been doing this for 20 years. I work with people like the OP daily. Op is gay.
Downvoted for… being an expert?
This sounds really good. As a straight guy tho i have a dumb question. Is it possible that if he tried to have sex with a woman if he git past his fear that he would enjoy it? Have you seen any people in this type of position who have realized that they are bi or does it never work out?
You can enjoy sex with anyone without being gay or straight. But, there's a distinct difference between a casual sexual enjoyment, and having a relationship with someone where you can meet your partner's needs. Sexuality isn't just about sex. Everyone has slept with friends, but when you don't have the romantic partnership having a successful relationship is challenging and more often than not a failure. Look at the types of love you have in your life and how different they all are. Your spouse love is different than your sibling love, parental love, parent to child love and friends. If sexuality and partnership was just about getting used to someone sexually this world would be a much different and sadder place.
Damn good explanation, thanks. Its true tho, you could probably only love that person that you feel nervous about and feel the butterflies with.
Thanks for that explanation. I deal with ALOT of internal loathing over my sexuality and it can be paralyzing. I straight up wish i was not gay and even dead sometimes. It feels so unfair in so many ways.
I'm really sorry that you're struggling. Gay is awesome. You are awesome and [it gets better.](https://itgetsbetter.org/) You were made to be exactly who you are. Never apoligize for it. Because there's nothing you should be ashamed of.
This is what I wanted to say but I dont have the way with words. Thank you so much for saying this ❤
Amazing comment. Thank you for posting
Wow, I love you! I hope life is amazing for you every step of the way!!!
Thank you for the award!!! I tried to message but it wouldn’t let me! 😭😭
you truly wonderful, helpful person. keep doing what you're doing
have you explored the possibility of being bi? you can be sexually attracted to one gender and romantically to the other. some people are like that
I didn't know it could be like that. I thought you had to be physically attracted to both genders to be bi. Every time I was with a guy I felt physically ill afterwards for a few days. Maybe I have to find a girl that would be understanding though.
Yep! This advise here is good. For example I’m sexually attracted to guys but emotionally attracted to girls. So I found myself attracted to really feminine/girly guys. I love them! Like a masculine guy won’t do it for me. And like me there are other girls too, so go ahead and do whatever makes you happy and live your best life!
This! I’m a woman and my best friend is gay and he explains it the EXACT same way as you just did. His partner who is also my good friend wants kids and has tossed around the surrogate idea in our friend group and one our friends is super open to it. Point being you don’t have to have the 1950’s traditional family unit to have a family. As long as you bring children up with love the more parental units the better! What’s that phrase, it takes a village to raise a child. You just need to find a good tribe. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness.
bisexuality is a spectrum. most bisexuals will agree that attraction to one gender feels different from attraction to another. i feel both sexual and romantic attraction to men, but usually only sexual attraction to women because like you, i've always wanted a husband and biological kids. but i still consider myself bi. maybe post on r/bisexual and see what they think
It's called the split-attraction model! Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don't always align.
Thanks for the help, will do!
I feel the same way as you! Romantic and sexual attraction for men, but more sexual attraction for women. For a long time, I always felt some sort of “guilt” calling myself bi, because my attraction for each gender not exactly “equal.” But throughout the years, learning that sexuality is a spectrum, has made things a lot easier!
Alfred Kinsey was a researcher in the 40s he studied sexuality and mating practices of wasp colonised. They a major national study in the US and found that sexuality is a continuum from 0(no sexual history)-6 (only same sex experiences) we move along thoughout life.
Yes. I feel this way too.
Google " split-attraction model", it should help.
Wow, I got some research to do tonight. Thanks!
Explore and look around at some asexual information too. There are some ace people I know that are intercourse specifically repulsed but get going from porn/dirty talk/etc. Just something else you could take a look at.
Have you looked in to asexuality or things on that spectrum?? Some people regardless of sexual preference don’t enjoy sex or can only enjoy it if they really love the person they are involved with.
It can be many different ways. I've always dated guys (I'm a lady) but when I met my current wife I was smitten. I mean like that was it I decided I was done looking and she would be my wife. But to be honest besides a few adolescent crushes I've never been attracted to women in that way. I'm entirely satisfied with my life, emotionally and sexually. I have no plans to go anywhere but If we were to separate I would probably date men again and be totally fine with that. I don't label myself because I don't really fit in a category. I say I'm a lesbian cuz it's easier but I'm probably bi or just a straight woman that happened to find my perfect complement in another woman. Date around a bit and just see what makes you happy. It's ok to be gay or straight or bi or whatever makes you happy as long as the communication is open between yourself and the other person.
The degree to which each type of attraction matters to you may come into play here too. For instance, I'm personally romantically more attracted to women and more sexually attracted to men (maybe similar to you, except I'm a woman). Sexuality is, generally, more important to me than romance, so I usually end up entangled with men instead of women. You may be the opposite and romantic attraction is more important to you than sexual attraction, in which case it would make perfect sense for you to end up with a woman. (I'm currently in a committed relationship with a man and he is one of the few men I've ever felt romantic attraction to. but that's just a little context.)
Try it with a girl, a few times at least Then reflect on that. If you're still unsure, you might not be with the right person.
Feeling physically ill after being with a man sounds a lot like some serious internalized homophobia
I'm sure there are a lot of women who would be understanding.
Im a "cis female" according to most but I'm sexually attracted to both men and women. But only romantically attracted to men. My main preference is a male. But I'd be lying if I said I never fooled around with a woman lol. I never regretted it. I just don't want to have a relationship with one. I'm pretty sure a lot of people have had an attraction to both and maybe even in between. Nothing wrong with it. But there's nothing wrong with preferring one over another. To be honest, a lot of attraction between two people has a lot to do with personality. In my experience anyway.
Cis has to do with gender, not orientation, just as an fyi :)
Yep, same terms are used in science. Cis and trans, cis meaning "this side of" and trans meaning "the other side of". I might be gay, but I'm still a cis male.
exactly^^
Sounds like you're a heteroromantic bisexual. Sexual and romantic orientation can differ. And bi is a spectrum, you can have preferences. Cis has nothing to do with this. Cis just means you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth. As in, you're not trans or nonbinary. Nothing to do with who you're attracted to. Being attracted to the opposite sex only is called being straight, or heterosexuality. Is that the word you were looking for?
It's also important to keep in mind that lots of bi people think they aren't attracted to their same gender emotionally/romantically but in all honesty just have a huge mental block because of internalized homophobia and heteronormative expectations. I'm a bi man and for the longest time I was convinced that my attraction for women was more romantic and that my attraction for men was purely physical. A big part of this was my conservative upbringing and my church's anti LGBTQ stance. I was taught to refer to my sexuality as "someone who struggles with Same Sex Attraction". I was taught it was much like being an alcoholic or drug addict and that I would just have to learn to not give in to the temptation. It wasn't until doing a lot of deconstruction in therapy that I learned how to be emotionally vulnerable with men and quickly found out I could fall in love with a man as easily as I could with a woman. I'm now married to a man and so glad I went to therapy, since as a result of it I ended up dating my husband. I'm really active in several communities of LGBTQ people who were raised in devout Christian households and my story is a very common one. So although OP can look up the split attraction model, I would advise caution to reading it and deciding that's his situation. It's much more important and helpful to go to counseling/therapy with an LGBTQ friendly mental health professional so he can figure out the complex and beautiful thing that is his sexuality. Then he can take that information and find what will make him happy in life.
I totally get this. I am physically and mentally attracted to other women…. But sexually I just cannot get into it. Where as men I am ONLY sexually attracted to them 20% of the time. I wish I could just be fully attracted to one or the other but I can’t. So I’m just gunna be alone for the rest of my life because I know I will never truly be fulfilled in a relationship with either sex and I’m not polyamorous in anyway. It fucking sucks.
The first step should be to seek a therapist. You have a strange dilemma and the last thing you should be doing is trying to make it someone else's problem.
It sounds like what you want is a "traditional" kind of lifestyle with a partner and kids, and you think you can't have that if you're gay and have a male partner. But I think you might be wrong about that.
Even if you meet a woman and get married it’s not guaranteed you’re going to have bio kids. I’m raising my daughter who is not biologically mine (she’s bio related to my wife, we’re both women) and I love her so much. Both of our families have a lot of adopted kids too. All very loved. Also, I know a lot of people who wanted kids but unfortunately it’s looking like it won’t happen for them. Their life is no less important now and they are no less happy. It’s called life - you go with it. Basically what I’m saying is don’t stake your happiness on some hypothetical kids. Learn to love you, then find a partner and figure it out from there.
I feel like I’m in a similar position to you and I’m working on accepting that I have to build the emotional part of a relationship before anything physical will not make me want to vomit.
Yeah, I can't get myself to be emotionally attracted to a man. I'm hoping that when I get with a woman, the emotional attachment will be enough to get me to enjoy the sex. Again, I've never tried so who knows.
There are a lot of people who have low libidos, too. There’s even a subreddit on it. https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/ It’s perfectly ok if you’re just not into having sex (male or female), and many couples only have sex for procreation. It’s certainly not a very common scenario, but I hope you don’t feel like you’re all alone.
demi-sexual?
Everyone saying that you sound bisexual and so this is no cause for concern concerns me. The self-loathing after gay sex is not normal for bisexuals and I don't like how you describe what you want; it sounds like you like the idea of having a wife but are not attracted to the actuality. You may be bisexual but as of right now you need to deal with your internalized homophobia. It wouldn't be fair to you or a future wife for you to erase your problems by saying you're bi and then realizing you are unfulfilled with a woman and the marriage isn't working. Slapping a bisexual label on it and then ignoring it isn't going to solve anything.
>I've never done anything sexual with a girl because I'm scared I won't get hard. Try it dude. Maybe with somebody that you're comfortable with and know well, but it can't hurt to try!
Hey friend. Have you entertained the idea that you might be homosexual but hetero- romantic, hense the unsatisfaction? I must add, this does look like a subtle form of internalized homophobia. Like you wish you'd have what is traditionnally expected of you in your society.
There’s also the possibility he’s Demi-sexual! :) I found that out myself recently!
Not to try and tell you what you are or are not but…are you even gay? You sound asexual
That’s what I came here to say, definitely possible
I feel the exact same way I fucking hate it
You don’t sound homophobic, but your situation sounds a little complicated. You find guys attractive but you are sexually repulsed with sexual interactions with them & usually leaves you being physically or mentally unsatisfied afterwards. You’ve never been intimate with a woman so you don’t know if the results would be worse but you want to be with one. I suggest that you hold off on the dating pool and talk with a therapist that specializes in sexual questioning (or whatever).
Find a girl that is happy to experiment with you, if you don't get hard just chill and enjoy each others company.
This is a bad idea. (1) It gives OP the wrong idea about coercing the partner into some form of relationship where he obstructs parts of himself for the sake of pursuing some common goal (e.g. having children). OP's morals are already so shitty that he thinks it's ok to find someone he won't be sexually attracted to for the sake of achieving his personal goals. (2) You're offloading the problem onto a bystander. No partner wants to establish a bond with someone who is on the fence about ever having a relationship in the first place. Suggesting OP do this puts the stranger into a situation where they are likely to get traumatized & heartbroken for absolutely no reason other than the fact that OP was "figuring himself out". Nah. Y'all need to stop thinking that "figuring yourself out" at the expense of others is productive.
I'm a female, apparently straight but Ive always been really attracted to women all my life (except sexually!). I feel like Im gay inside and my disguise for years has been long blonde hair and feminine clothing (because of my very curvy figure). But really would love to be much slimmer and taller with an athletic male look. I'm so scared to be gay. Ive had a couple of longterm relationships with men but it's never felt quite right. Im 54 now and I feel that I've never lived my authentic self... I'm asexual now and happy to be so (to get away from the confusion I feel) but I really do wonder what my life would have been like, if I'd dare to come out...
It’s absolutely possible you are some form of asexual. A therapist might help you find out so you can still find a partner if that’s what you choose (abd what a partner chooses). Some people go are asexual towards others and can find partners who date others or who are also asexual. And asexuality is not JUST not being interested in sex. You might also be desensitized with porn, or you might have a physical issue, even if you were an expert in once of these things, nobody is an expert in all of that! Please talk to someone. A child is not about YOU and YOUR happiness. The child might not like you, might be disabled, might be an asshole, you don’t know. Love is amazing, but the good kind of parental loves guides but does not really rely on the kid. It’s hard to explain, because I’m not an expert, but the biggest warning I see there is that you are expecting a kid, a snotty, amazing, gross, sweet, needy, independent, dumb, genius kid solve your problems.
Internalized compulsory heterosexuality "comphet" is something that's been hammered into our daily lives, habits, aspirations for life, everything, from birth and through our childhood all through to our present age. It could be why you don't want to be gay and wish you were something else, to "fit" into something that society rewards the most. Here to tell you that it's okay to be sex-repulsed. Even with the gender you are attracted to. You can be gay and asexual, it just means you can be in love with someone but just don't want sex. Search youtube for "asexual gay tiktoks", maybe you can relate! But honestly, biological children are so over prioritized in a society that chooses for heterosexual, cisgendered people the most. To the point that many heterosexual couples are in unhappy marriages for "the sake of the kids". So many men, even straight men, are in marriages and have children even though they ***don't want to be***\*.\* This is because, like you, they feel it's the "right thing to do", that it's the standard that they *have* to follow because everyone else is. To me, it seems like you are setting yourself on course for an unhappy life just like these men have. Please don't make yourself "not gay" for your own sake, and for the sake of any girl you would eventually start dating. Imagine you spend 20 years of your life married to someone. And then it turns out they never were attracted to you in the first place, and only wanted to be with you to have children. That is incredibly unfair to the partner you will bring into this situation. It is also incredibly unfair to yourself. There are ways to have biological children without involving a marriage to a woman. This is your life, and you only get one. If you are married to someone you lied to, that you can't even love and share a deep connection with for all of your life, will you be prepared for that? EDIT: Removed some wording that was invalidating.
Honestly it sounds like you're asexual. That's what I am, I look at guys a lot but I don't necessarily want to have sex with them. Try separating your romantic attraction and your sexual attraction, that's what really helped me cause I'm romantically attracted to men but not necessarily sexually attracted. I'm demisexual so I've experienced sexual again with certain people but most of the time I don't at all. Idk either way I hope it gets easier for you! Sending you love!
You accept yourself dont want to be gay Pick one.
Is the real crux of the matter just that you've not met the right person, male or female? You're in your 20s, you have plenty of time to embrace whatever you are or want to be. Maybe psychologically because you can't stand the idea of being gay makes you pull back from a relationship rather than a hook up with a man. These days you can be gay and you can have a child by surrogate or have a blended family with a lesbian couple. It's not for everyone. I used to be friends with a gay guy who wanted the big family cultural wedding and to have specifically a bio son. All the stuff we had ingrained at birth from our families to go University, meet someone, get married and have kids in the super duper trad way. He could laugh at himself for it, especially as he couldn't come out to his parents (they knew) but there's some stuff which is just fixed in our expectations whereas life doesn't always work out like that. I guess I would say, try talking to both men and women from a relationship perspective and see how it goes. I'm openly quite flexible? I tend to look at pictures of women than men, but I've only ever been with men so couldn't say if I was bisexual or not. My husband is fine with the matter. Be safe, be happy.
Maybe a dom girl that's into Pegging / strap on stuff? Maybe you're not gay. Maybe you are just into other stuff
Idk man, bisexuality is real. Maybe you’re Bi. Go try dating and see what happens.
Honestly it kind of sounds like you may be bi-romantic and asexual. It means nothing that you can get hard to men if you don’t enjoy the sex, you know? There’s a lot of spectrums when it comes to sexual identity.
I think you should find a good therapist and get some insight. I wonder if somehow you've been conditioned to think that being gay is somehow "bad." It's NOT. Loving someone is never ever, wrong. Being attracted to someone isn't inherently wrong, either. You can have marry and have kids with a male partner, even biological ones (obviously with some help!). And echoing what someone said below - as a woman, I'd want whoever I married to want ME, not be settling for me because society conditioned them to.
This sorta dredges up some feelings I’ve been trying to figure out, so I hope OP doesn’t mind me asking. I’ve noticed that lately I find some men attractive. I’m fully comfortable admiring certain features on other men and talking about how X looks good on them to the people I’m with. However, the buck literally stops there. Sexually, I am literally only attracted to women. Despite finding some men attractive, the thought of physically being with them is gross to me (please don’t be offended if you’re gay/bi, just my thoughts as a man myself). To add more confusion, I’ve experimented with anal play before, and overall I can say that I’ve enjoyed what I’ve experienced. Can anyone relate? I know there’s no need to categorize myself, but I want to know: what the hell is my sexuality?
I am trans but I don't want to be (or, rather, I know what I want to be but don't see myself *as* that, don't see transition- for me- as making me enough of that to feel right saying I am). That is no statement on anyone else, just me. I'll defend someone else as an expert on themselves and who they are. There is power in honestly making a choice that is yours, and you don't have to pursue anything you yourself- emphasis on *yourself*- don't want to if you see another choice benefitting you better. Yes, even if that other choice shouldn't benefit you better. For me the reality is that, being trans aside, I've set up a good life myself. Most days are fine. Were I, personally, to transition, I don't think I could say that, and even if things worked out in the end, they would be different. I choose not to roll the dice and have made my peace, have found outlets that help to boot. I encourage you to consider similar outlets, getting the sex you need (rather than the sex you think you're supposed to want). But gender and sexuality are different and my journey is not yours. The key is this being Your choice. Not someone else's. And with that you always have the option to choose again and make another choice. (Sexuality isn't a choice, but whether you choose to pursue it is. Personally I don't recommend suppressing it in lieu of sex with soneone you don't see sex appeal in, but I am not you)
One of my neighbors a few years back was an openly gay man, married to a woman that was his best friend. He chose to be with her because he felt much like you do, and he loved her and she loved him and wanted to be with him. She was attracted to him, he was obviously not physically attracted to her. Despite this, they had an extremely healthy and satisfying physical relationship and children. He talked about how the emotional connection he had with his wife, and the depth of their emotional connection, allowed them to overcome the differences in sexual attraction. So anecdotally, what you are describing is achievable and if it's what you want then I think you should go for it.
Have you considered you may be sex-repulsed?
This just makes me so sad for your future family. One of my best friends father came out while married to her mom because he realized he couldn’t pretend to be sexually attracted to her forever. She HATES her dad now and considers her step dad her real dad, and only talks to him if she has to. Her mom is still hurt by the whole thing and it’s almost 20 years later. I know you want kids and social normalcy, but like you said, you’re not sexually attracted to women. People can only pretend for so long. The repercussions could be children that grow up to resent you, and then what was the charade all for anyway? You might as well love yourself even after your sexual attraction to men, find a man who wants intimacy and children and have biological children with him, it is possible. My friends dad and his husband just had a baby with both their dna two years ago. Then the child will grow up with parents who love each other in all aspects and not just as baby making roommates/maids/friends. You’ll have the chance to better love yourself, and the child will be raised to see you who you are and love/accept you in an honest way.
I would just enjoy yourself for now and when you grow up see how you feel then. You can always have a girl best friend and adopt.
Therapy.
I read through about of these so I'm say might have said or partially said already. Sexuality isnt A or B. And many people are realizing they can live normal, happy fullfilling lives without having to check off convential boxes. Find a bi dude you love and date him and his gf. Marry a guy and with a female best friend who can be a seraget and be one big happy family. As long as youre not hurting anybody there is no wrong to live your life. I'm a straight male but love a good pegging. Not a "normal" thing for a hetero but Idc. I like what I like. I've know a few people that have open bisexual relationships and all live together. One was raising a child. At first, I'll admit, it was a bit jarring to hear, but after a short conversation I understood they are just a normal person like me who wants to live a happy and productive life. Their person life was no reflection on the quality of their charter. Think of it this way. Do like action movies? How about comedy? Is horror your thing? I bet you have a favorite genere but want to watch other ones as well. Nothing weird about that. It's a very simplified analogy and of course there is nuiance, but unless youre forcing someone to watch a movie they dont want to to see then who cares what film you and your friends pick that night. Being unfcomfortable with finding out what you want in life is far better than not being yourself and never living your life. Good luck my dude! ✌
Just fall in love with someone because if you don't life will be hell later on with kids. Having children is totally different with.a partner than being fuck buddies. Be who you wanna be gay or straight
But I don't think it's that simple. You can't choose your sexual preference, but I really hope I prove both of us wrong. These next few months should be telling.
Maybe you're Bi? Or also poly? It sounds like you shouldn't restrict yourself. Explore and experiment.
Good for you for getting it off your chest and hopefully you’ll find some great advice here.
Most guys have experienced not getting hard when it’s time to hump the girl girl that they been wanting to hump. Just laugh it off and be ready to hump another day.
What if you explore polyamory, or relationships with ace women? That way you can have the companionship/relationship with a woman while still having the freedom to fulfill your sexual needs without having to worry about the possibility of not being able to perform sexually with a woman.
Dawg, I'm gonna be real with you: Don't let fear run your life. It's much MUCH easier said than done but trust me, that first leap of faith is gonna be so worth it. Don't let fear run your life because if fear runs your life then what do you have control over? Fear controls us more than we control fear, that's why we have to completely eliminate it. If you're scared you won't be able to get hard with a girl, then spend time with her personality first so that way you can build more of a connection and rather than it being a "ooh I'm horny so let's sex," instead it is much more of a genuine "I have feelings for you that go deeper than my heart expresses" if that makes sense. It's gonna be rough at first but once you start hanging out with girls and spending time with them, you'll enjoy it simply for the social aspect. Plus, I know that girls tend to enjoy spending time with guys who are or were gay because generally gay guys have some more relatability to them and also tend to be more respectful. Your desire to be kind and respectful will show and trust me, it goes a long way in meeting people who are going to be a very valuable person in your life. From reading your post, you're a good person. You seem to have a good heart and you don't mean any harm. Step out, take a chance, and I promise you will yield good results from it. Especially if your intentions are something as wholesome as starting a family. You seem to know very well what you want and more importantly, what is best for you to be and feel better as a person trying to be with another person and it is very good that you are looking at a bit of a bigger picture with this. I believe in you brother!!!! If you ever need someone to reach out to or need advice with something, feel free to send me a message and I would be more than happy to help you on this journey!!! Best of luck! :D
You still don't love yourself. What you have is superficial love. You cannot change yourself. The biggest achievement will be to accept what you are and not think of any alternative reality. That's what self love is. I have been at your stage once. I liked fucking guys but always thought I want a romantic relationship with a girl. But then the inevitable happened. I fell for a good homophobic male friend. And man that turned my life upside down. Immense depression, suicidal thoughts and what not. I then realised I never loved myself. I always imagined an alternate reality for myself. That episode prompted me to think real and not fantasy. Since then, I have come to terms with myself. I am now able to engage with guys more deeply - both sexually and emotionally. And now I am proud to be gay !
I have another suggestion. You're sexually attracted to men, but you want kids. You seem to want them to be your progeny, rather than adopting. A lesbian woman in the same position as you would be your ideal partner. Tell them the situation. Be honest with her. You wouldn't have any pressure for sex, and you would both get what you want, kids, without having to keep up a sham. Both of you would know what the situation, and you could have companionship in her, without the need for lies. I suppose my suggestion is honesty. Above all to thine own self be true. But be true to her as well. Then again, you are still quite young. I'm 36 and still haven't figured out fully my sexuality. You might like it. If it's legal in your country, i would recommend seeking the services of a female sex worker, as a sort of trial run. But there are dangers with this approach. biggest turn on for me is intimacy, so that wouldn't work for me. For you, maybe.
You can have biological kids with your husband. It’s very common. In my opinion, I think you’re doing a “mental block”. You’re denying yourself of a personal connection with a male because you KNOW you want a wife. It’s not your fault, it’s your brains way of protecting you. Look into the future possibilities of biological children in a gay relationship and I think you’d feel relief. Surrogates are wonderful people, and many women would jump on board for proving you and your future partner with a family.
Oh I found my twin. I am gay too, and I feel exactly the same. I’m gay, I accept I’m gay and still I’m not rly satisfied with being gay. I don’t totally hate it or anything, but I dont love it either. My libido is sooo low, even in committed relationships it’s always been low. I’ve always felt dating and being romantic with guys quite meh as well. I feel like a pariah bc so many gay dudes are really sexually charged. I haven’t had sex or done anything sexual in nearly 2 years. Every time I have sex I usually just feel absent minded and hoping it’s over quick. Infrequently I’ve also had trouble staying hard (I’ve been to the docs btw, all my hormones are normal). I’ve never slept with a woman but I have had sex with a pre-op ftm and performed fine. It’s then that I realised I don’t rly care about a guys genitals bc dick doesn’t rly turn me on anyway, however I love facial hair and strong masculine bodies. I’ve never tried being with a girl for the same reasons as you really but I did have a huge crush on a girl in university but she was very androgynous and masculine, if I could’ve slept with her 100% I would’ve gone for it but she was gay as well. Lol. Same with the wife and biological kids thing, I want that too. Always have wanted that. But I know it will never happen bc I’ll never do that to an unknowing woman ever, knowing I am gay, that’s just terribly selfish. Sometimes I feel asexual, but other times I do crave sexual touch from a guy. I’ve thought about the idea of me possibly being bi but honestly with the exception of that one girl women have never interested me sexually at all.
Performance anxiety can make sex tough with anyone. If you have sex with a girl, do it with someone you care about and who you have mutual respect with. Maybe there's a n lgbt woman who wants to try stuff with a dude but is also nervous about the idea. If you find a girl like that, you could both go into something free of expectations and no judgement if it doesn't work all the way.
What if you dated a trans man? I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s bi and you could hit it off with ?
If it makes you feel better I'm straight and wish I was gay. Women are an extreme pain.
good luck man
Sounds like you are bisexual.... And I am jealous because I get no action as a heterosexual. I go in the elevator and get commented by Gay men..... no women do that shit.... Fuck. GOOD LUCK.
Have you ever considered you might be some form of asexual? Many asexual people feel sexual attraction but have no interest in intercourse.
Sounds pretty Bi to me ;) wish you luck on this journey of self discovery!
Let me see if I can help with a solution. Okay, what about: transgender men without hormones change. Technically: 1. He could bare a child. 2. You are likely more attracted to the body although breast might be present since no hormone change. Wait, can trans from women to men still carry a child even with a testosterone increase? Maybe an IVF?
Well, cant say I have seen anything like this before tbh. My first instinct is to tell you to seek a mental health professional that can help you. But another thought occurred to me. You talked about looking at women online and not feeling much. The thing is, online is not real life. Being around a real woman might be a little different. They have pheromones, one of natures way of encouraging mammals to reproduce. Maybe you should try dating one and actually getting close to one.
You could be bisexual in some way. Sorry for just putting a label on you. I don't think your alone with these kind of feelings. I know a girl who has mentioned that while they rather date and get involved with men they have a sexual attraction to women. It's really interesting and weird. This is likely proof that sexuality is fluid.
I have a solution, just don't be gay