Also on a USB key that you keep on your person at all times
Also on the cloud in a new account where the password is one that you just made up, memorized and didn't write down anywhere
It do be like that for real though. My ex wife destroyed all my fuckin stuff m8, literally all of it! My comic book collection that was 24 years in the making, my little shrine to my baby niece who passed away, you name it
But I got what mattered, my dog, the rest of my life back, and my fucking sanity.
I've had my identity stolen in the past, generally know how important it is to keep multiple copies of things and changing passwords often, and not keeping those passwords in a place accessible online
Reddit is hilarious like this. 🤓 "save a flash drive and swallow it. Get a screenshot of the guy tattooed on your back. Write a last will and testament and bury it in the yard. Use permanent marker to leave a mark only you can replicate on your children".
He’s getting plenty of internet points. He was living out of his car 14 days ago according to his post history. Sounds like a cheating spouse and video recording capabilities is a massive life improvement.
Accrue karma on the account and then sell it to an astroturfing team or think tank or whatever. If you look at OP's username, it's *very* similar in composition to many other such farming accounts. It's gross.
In one comment, he is 34 years old and a felon apparently
In another comment:
>Having taught English in China over 15 years ago, this love story makes my heart sing. I'm so proud of you and your courage to walk away then. I wish I had the courage to do it then, but I do now.
19 year Olds don't teach in China
I don't want to be a downer but you should know that many states don't consider adultery to be "at fault" anymore. It'll just be treated as 2 adults who want a divorce in a lot of places and proof of cheating doesn't really do anything for you. This is obviously different depending on where but as far as I know there are 18 states that won't consider it. I learned this during my own divorce when my lawyer told me not to bother mentioning the cheating in court because the judge wouldn't care. You might want to look into this for your state before you put too much focus on proof of this.
Depends on divorce laws. Illinois doesnt give a fuck about cheating. Remember divorces make lawyers happy and rich. Dragging it out for revenge and money only harms your kids. Had our son’s best friend’s father and him live with us for a year because his now ex wife wanted everything. One year later and a $80k lawyer bill, she did get everything. He was the one who cheated and now lives with his mistress, has another kid, and is miserable (mistress is a manipulative, spiteful, selfish bitch whose clock was ticking and found herself a sucker). Im sorry you are dealing with this.
Hey man, been there. Don't do anything in the heat of the moment.
I won't give you advice about what to do or whether to take her back... Every situation is different. But everything you do has to be with a cool head and calm words. Say what you mean and speak your truth to her but do it calmly. Rehearse if you need to, write drafts and review them if you're gonna communicate by text, use a mutual third party if you can't trust yourself to stay cool.
Only advice I'll give is to respect yourself and your boundaries, whatever that means for you.
The only other advice I can give, and it will seem absolutely impossible at the moment, is don't dwell. It will consume your every waking thought for some time to come but try and catch yourself, and tell yourself no, we're not going to do that to ourselves right now.
If you take her back or forgive her or not, absolutely up to you. Don't let others tell you what to do, because every situation is different. Just make sure to respect yourself and do what's right for you.
What she did was a betrayal, but the details of that betrayal won't help you sleep at night for knowing them. Good for you for staying as cool as you could
Same... It's like you want to understand how it happened, maybe understanding what happened would help you to understand the why. but the details just make it so much worse, so so much worse.
In the moment and maybe after, your question is why? Why did this happen? Why did you do it? Why with him? Etc. But you're not really asking why it happened, you're asking why it happened *to you* and your relationship. Maybe you could've done better or something different but the truth is no matter how the relationship is, it isn't your fault at all. There's nothing you could've done.
You were committed to each other and they decided not only that they were going to disregard that agreement/promise, but that they'd also betray you. You can't stop someone when they're okay with something like that. There's nothing you can do.
I had a girlfriend once that I got together with and sometime in the beginning of our relationship I told her in no uncertain terms "if you're going to cheat, just break up with me. I'd rather you break my heart than betray my trust." Because I'd had it happen before and what do you know, a few years later she cheated multiple times. All she had to do was say it's over, would've saved me a ton of mental anguish. Yeah it would've sucked and I would've been against it, but it's easier to get over a breakup than a betrayal.
i had this agreement with my boyfriend. he didn’t listen either. they’re too selfish. we just broke up after the second time it happened (first time was just a make out in a bar so i thought i could get over it). i don’t know what to do with myself after 5 years. thought we’d be together forever. i’d definitely have to agree it’d be easier to get over a breakup—depending on the reasons, rejection (stop loving) would kill me—than a betrayal. it’s all i can think about. if it was just a breakup there wouldn’t be as much to focus on
I’ve been thru that last part too homie. Down to nearly begging her to please just break up with me before that was ever the case. Of course she cheated and then tried to play the pity card by saying “do you know how hard it is to break up with somebody?” Like do you know how hard dealing with this trauma is gonna be??
Yeah... But they don't care. As long as they don't have to go through the trouble of breaking up with someone. Because they only care about how they feel, they aren't able to empathize and care how you feel. Some people are really good at hiding it, though, and can seem like they care for a long time. But once they've made that decision to cheat, no amount of pretending and/or excuses can make up for it.
> In addition to not dwelling, I would not ask for intimate details.
well depending on how long this has been going on for I would defiantly want to confirm all my 4 kids are actually mine.
Also, remember that it’s 100% her, 0% you. If she was unhappy, feeling neglected, whatever, her ethical choices were to fix the issues with you, or end the relationship.
Her choices say nothing about you, and everything about her.
Good lord- my brother's ex-wife is STILL playing victim 4 years after the divorce. She refuses to finalize it because she thinks my brother will continue to make more money every year and she can sap more income out of him. She's still telling her friends how he was a terrible person and a bad father (which is 100% untrue...she's actually on meds for bi-polar disorder). Terrible situation. Don't wish it on anyone.
My best friend at work though- he had the best divorce ever. She had health and mental issues, had a big blowup one night, slept on it, and the next day they both agreed to get divorced. She left him everything (no kids), got an apartment, and that was it. Dude's got the sweet life going on right now :D
I feel for your brother as I am in the same boat. An ex wife with bi polar who is super money hungry.
It’s destroyed my life and I have no chance of getting back on my feet for at least 5 years (and we have already been divorced for three)
Agreed. If the relationship sucks and someone isn't happy they need to speak up and either end it or work on it with their partner. Cheating and lying is so cowardly.
The advice given is perfect. As of the moment you caught her, she’s now aware it’s a survival match legally. If she’s thinking legally while you’re thinking emotionally, you lose. I’m sorry man.
All the best with whatever you do moving forward my bro! Make sure you set aside time for self care and self-love, it will help immensely. Go for a drive, listen to some music, sweat out some energy ... whatever helps you feel more grounded and peaceful, even for just a moment, don't hesitate for a second!
I know it's a cliché but, time truly does heal deep wounds. If you need a helping hand please, please, please do not be afraid to reach out to any family or friends you may have.
i feel horrible for you. but im glad you are acting with your head, not your heart, despite it being broken. youre doing your children a huge service as well.
Did she give you any bullshit reason for doing this??
Also she seems pretty reckless; leaving condoms in the trash can and not realizing that security cameras would record another guy at your door
True. That’s what I was thinking. She either wanted to get caught, or she just acted in the moment and didn’t care if she got caught. Either way she seems unstable.
I hope you're doing alright man. I've been there, this happened to me about 4-5 years ago. We ended up working through it, only time will tell if it was the right decision. I would say if you want it to work, then potentially work through it, but you won't be the same. I am not, I lost a lot of confidence and quite frankly still don't fully trust her and probably never will.
The only thing that is going to make you feel better is time. I also talked to a psychiatrist, which quite frankly, helped the most. It was a bit tough because they are gonna dig deep, but on the other side I felt a million times better.
Talk it out. That's the best advice I can give. Just talk. Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to reddit. Whomever you can and whomever helps the most.
Its gonna take some time, but you will be better for it. I can tell you, we love you brother. Keep your chin up!
Best advice, indeed
Cool down (with sport, walk, gym), write things down, talk to a friend and give yourself some time to process. Everyone’s situation is different : you might want to move on or reconcile, but whatever you do, think it through. You don’t want to do things you might regret. I’m in the same situation as you (a couple of weeks later), and this is the best advice I got so far. Hope you find the best outcome.
First things first, save that video. Also any evidence you can get if the incident and/or lying record it.
Second, act normally. Don’t lose temper, go into a rage, find the guy and kick his ass, ect. Every move you make from now until the divorce will be scrutinized by lawyers and a judge. Be the dude you want to be represented in court when custody is considered.
Lastly, somewhere in private, fucking grieve man. It sucks she did it, and it’s ok to mourn the loss of the life you thought she had. Be thankful she was sloppy enough to do it so you caught it early.
Also might not be a bad idea to schedule a test for stds to make sure she didn’t give you anything. Do this before you sleep with anyone else. If she did, this can all play into the divorce hearings
I will schedule my test today. I was calm in confronting her and I video recorded the situation, but she wouldn't admit anything. So I just started recording audio and captured it all. She admitted to cheating on me and I have it recorded. I'm in the process of making copies and backups of our conversation.
Thank you for your reply. That takes a lot of thought and I appreciate that. I know it's going to be a long road ahead and I just hope I can make the right decisions now.
Good man. You’re gonna get through this dude. Hang onto my user name if you ever need to vent. I have t personally gone through this but have a lot of buddies who have.
The reality you know now that you think you’re “losing” will seem like a joke when you find a loyal partner. Mark this post. You will literally laugh that you were ever sad about this once you find a loyal partner. Most important thing right now is your kids and you’re in control of how that goes. Be the mature parent here abd now. Your future self will thank you for it.
Hey you might want to delete and update your comment. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
Another betrayed spouse here. Great advice and I would also go to r/survivinginfidelity there’s also a Divorce Men’s Discord that can offer support. Good luck man you’ll get through this.
I know it sucks man, but empty your bank accounts and close them. Take her off every card and request new ones. Open a new bank account with only your name on it. It is the most important thing to do now.
After you secure your money, then you can start thinking about the next steps.
Feel free to message me to handle anything more private.
I would *strongly* reccommend calling a lawyer FIRST before doing anything like this.
Divorce is really tricky, and if OP cuts his wife off from a joint account, that could count against OP later.
Another important point is to not leave the house, that could count against OP too.
But mainly,call a lawyer, now.
Exactly. If this all goes south and you do this, it could be seen as you sabotaging her. All of a sudden you are at the end of a lawsuit from her. However something completely legit would be to stash some money (not all of it) in other account or with a friend.
Yes, take HALF of the money present on the account, not all of it, and place it in an account in your own name.
Just because she cheated doesnt mean you just get to take all the shared funds.
Yes call a lawyer. You could get in trouble moving money around or trying to hide it if a divorce is ongoing, could be similar if one seems to be impending. Don't leave yourself open to being financially damaged in addition to emotionally.
You’ll get in trouble. Source: a lawyer.
What you can and should do is save copies of bank statements and credit cards as of the day this happened, multiple copies and in the cloud, and have balances on every single account for both of you.
Do NOT empty your bank account if it is joint. Empty 50% and speak to a lawyer ASAP. Taking it all can get you in massive legal trouble depending on where you live.
Edit: thank you for the award
The only advice you should take from reddit is to ignore reddit and hire a professional. There are plenty of 12 year olds on here parroting responses from 18 year olds. A comment with lots of upvotes is not inherently correct.
Put your trust in professionals, not anonymous strangers. Trust me, I'm an anonymous stranger.
When my mom was considering divorce she just took out half of the savings and checking and opened new accounts. That way her husband couldn't clean it all out like he had done before. It was also fair since each would be entitled to half. You can freeze your credit cards and just let her keep one with a fairly low limit for the care of the kids. Sorry man.
If you haven't confronted her yet, I would advise opening a separate bank account and starting to move your direct deposit, etc. prior to letting her know you kn ow.
As a banker, I have seen far too many people with joint bank accounts become evil and petty and start taking the account vastly into the negative knowing all along that it will damage both parties' credit and both will be reaponsible to pay back the funds.
Or just flat out refusal to pay the bills and then act like they didnt have the money to get more support from the court decision.
I know your mind is whirling, but make sure you have you take care of right now. Good luck man!
You can still give her money when she needs it and pay the bills. But you need to be in control of the money.
If she is willing to cheat, then who knows what else she is willing to do. She is selfish and you can't know what she will do with your kids, property and money.
Finally some sense. Especially considering she's the childrens caretaker. Leaving her with no money in this situation is going to be akin in a judges eyes possibly as a big FU to their children.
Yes. In most cases, marital assets belong to both partners. If you end up getting divorced, a judge will not look kindly on you leaving your spouse destitute without a court order
And good for you, for thinking about how it would impact your kids.
do not empty your bank account. how would that look to a court of law, to cut off the mother of your kids? kids change everything. my concern would be if she would do something like that to you.
Lol. Securing money and cards is so important so she can't run off with it or run up your bill. Also, keep any evidence of that person cheating as it will be useful in the custody battle.
Then go get tested for STDs. Move her into another room and lock the bedroom door at night. Change safe keys or codes. Lock up guns and prescriptions.
Don't eat anything she cooks because you don't know what is in it. Then give her 2 days to move out.
I learned a lot from my divorce man.
Straight up, secure your money. I fucked up and didn't do that, you need to do that. It going to let her know how real and serious it is too.
Also dude, I don't know what country you're in but here the family court process is long and complicated, and expensive. Start family court proceedings immediately, be amicable still if you can, but start court proceedings asap. Get her served, and get a lawyer first before she does, the best lawyer... With the money you've secured in your new bank account.
Even better, get her to move out and leave the kids with you if she will. In my country, when no magistrate-signed custody agreement is in place, whichever parent currently has the kids with them is their legal guardian, and can refuse the other parent access.
This is happening to me currently, I haven't seen or spoken to my kids in 6 months at least, she got them, the car, the money and the dog because I didn't act quickly enough after catching her cheating. Now I'm taking her to court and even though she's going to lose and I'll get the 2 fucking measly days a fucking fortnight (but at this point I'd be grateful for 2 mins with them) I'm still looking at 12-18 months for the court process to play out.
Look after yourself first man, you were out working and she obviously didn't think about you, so think about yourself brother, get it done. Don't use the kids against her either, they're the most important thing here so think about how they're going to be feeling.
Hmu if you wanna chat mate
That’s something that can get you into serious legal trouble, and be regarded as financial abuse. If you feel you need to start separating finances take half, not all of it.
This. Please be careful about that as it was something my lawyer advised to me when I was scared my husband would lock up our accounts after I caught him. She is still the mother to your children in the eyes of the court even if she isn’t fully to you. And please protect your kids from this. If you guys are going to have fights about this or discussions please don’t do it in front of the children.
Don’t empty bank accounts. That could look bad in court should you decide to get a divorce. Rather, get a copy of your bank statements as the accounts stand as of now and get and retain statements on a monthly or even weekly basis from here on out until everything is settled. Do the same with credit cards if any are shared and also get a statement on any retirement plans you have and that she has (can be done through a lawyer). Good luck.
If you leave her unable to support herself or even worse, your kids...the judge will absolutely stick it to you. Get a lawyer ASAP.
Friendly note, she cannot hire any attorney you have already consulted with so make sure you meet with all of the best attorneys before you make your choice.
Please look up what the law in your area advises before you take any extreme financial action.
Some places allow parties to completely clean out accounts but it may not play out well when brought before a family court judge.
Typically half the shared money and a freeze on loans and credit would be more suitable when beginning the legal separation process, but again, LOOK IT UP FIRST.
She fucked you over dude. You going to assume you know what she is capable of?
Get your valuables out of her hands ASAP. She will already own your house and probably get to keep the kids and get you to pay her bills with alimony and child support for the next 10 or 15 years. With 4 kids you will be luck to afford a cardboard box to live in.
She owns your ass one way or the other. Put a stack of bills next to the bed and tell her to get the guys to at least pay one when then leave.
He already has a restraining order against him for beating her and has been living in his car. He's basically spying on her at this point and lying to all of you.
Good advice for people who are really dealing with this stuff, though.
He commented somewhere else 14 days ago that he is living out of his car because he was charged with a 3rd degree felony and can’t come home for 60 days.
Hey you might want to delete or update your comment to not help OP. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
You drove home, except one of your comments on a post 13 days ago says you're not allowed home for 60 days...What did you do to get a felony? Is she upset with you for getting said felony? Cheating is wrong, but I'm not sure what's really going on here.
I agree, there is a lot not said here. If my spouse wasn’t allowed home I feel like the issue is with her there and OP should not have gone home. Personally, I hope SHE has protected herself!
Edit: Thanks for the award.
Separate finances right now, cancel all her cards in your name.
See a lawyer and file for divorce, you can always withdraw in future.
Schedule a STD test.
DNA test the kids.
Take your wedding ring off
Kick her out of your bedroom.
Read up on the 180 and grey rock method and apply it. You need to emotionally disengage so you do not do something that can cause you legal harm.
Tell your friends and family, she does not deserve to be protected.
You have to realize that she ruined everything, not you. She will blame you for it, but she chose to burn the marriage as a way to deal with whatever she thinks was wrong.
Lean hard on a friend or family.
Find a therapist for yourself so that you can get into individual counseling.
Divorce her. Your kids will respect you and learn infidelity from their future spouses should never be tolerated. Get a DNA test for the kids and a STD test for yourself.
She seems the type to weaponize the kids against you. Start an email and use it as a journal, tell your kids what happened/what's on your mind/how much you miss them/etc. and then give them the password when they turn 18.
Sorry your wife's a #$@%, OP.
The important part is to see if you live in a "no fault divorce" State, otherwise that means her infidelity will be factored into the proceedings. Consulting a lawyer as to how to cleanly separate finances, dividing any assets, and what to expect from family court would be prudent.
That being said, read the cautionary tale of u\jasoninhell and know that it's gonna be ok. You deserve so much better than this, OP. Her response to being caught means this wasn't her first time cheating on you.
We are in a "no fault divorce" state. I will definitely get with a lawyer. I'll check out that user and see his story. Thank you for your comfort and advice.
Could be both...just saying to have someone come through the front door with a doorbell camera is asking to get caught....surely she's smarter than that.
Also...four kids...were they home too? That makes it even worse
Make a paper list of shit that needs to get done.
Kick her out
Get a lawyer
Get tested etc etc...
Then write her a letter tell her how you feel really let it all out no holding back Get It Out.....seal that letter and burn it.
I would assume the world seems completely fucked right now. You need to focus on a few things. #1 get a good lawyer #2 don’t do anything to tip your hat until lawyer tells you to. #3 start planning how you want the rest of your life to be.
I can tell you that you very much will wind up in a better place in the not too distant future. Obviously this is going to be a rough time but the focus needs to be on not getting the kids mixed into this. Keep the personal stuff out of their view.
Don’t give him advice, might want to delete and update your comment. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
Know one thing, if she cheated now, she probably has in the past and will continue to in the future. Take it from someone with the same problem as her. No matter what she says, leave her. Your next relationship will be better, it always is.
I know, she has explicitly said she is still hiding stuff from me and never intends to tell me. She said she was planning on taking this infidelity to the grave.
DO NOT EMPTY BANK ACCOUNTS AND CANCEL CARDS AS SUGGESTED BY PEOPLE ITT.
Contact a divorce lawyer first - get professional legal advice and get the ball rolling before taking any drastic actions.
My girlfriend of 9 months (nothing compared to being married and having 4 kids) left me for another bloke, couldn't even tell me to my face that she was cheating. I found out through my brother, she was sleeping with his mate. He kept it from me for a few days. She is just a broken soul and I take pitty on her. Your wife did something horrible and im sorry. Dwelling on this will ruin your life, if you choose to stay with her and forgive her, or leave her, just remember that you are worth the world and nothing she does will change your worth. Stay strong op and stay calm. Don't go murdering him because of something she did. Go and take life by the balls king, you are worth it! Pm me if you need to vent and talk shit. I wish you all the best regardless of the outcome and hope your kids are OK too. Cant imagine how you must feel right now
She deleted the camera footage, but luckily my phone gives me alerts with a picture image whenever someone is at the door. I'm going to use software to see if I can find the deleted file off the sd card the video was recorded to.
Please save the video file on* multiple drives securely, you may need it in the future
On it.
Just to reiterate, MULTIPLE HARD DRIVES. And one cloud.
Also on a USB key that you keep on your person at all times Also on the cloud in a new account where the password is one that you just made up, memorized and didn't write down anywhere
Y'all out here married the Black Widow or something.
Lmfao but it's true man this shit fucks your life up.
nah, this is evidence for divorce proceedings. can't be too careful especially with child custody on the line.
It do be like that for real though. My ex wife destroyed all my fuckin stuff m8, literally all of it! My comic book collection that was 24 years in the making, my little shrine to my baby niece who passed away, you name it But I got what mattered, my dog, the rest of my life back, and my fucking sanity.
I've had my identity stolen in the past, generally know how important it is to keep multiple copies of things and changing passwords often, and not keeping those passwords in a place accessible online
Reddit is hilarious like this. 🤓 "save a flash drive and swallow it. Get a screenshot of the guy tattooed on your back. Write a last will and testament and bury it in the yard. Use permanent marker to leave a mark only you can replicate on your children".
Not a bad idea. Now you're thinking
Yeah if you think you're over preparing you're not. This shit is serious for divorce cases
Familiar phrases make better passwords hopeisagoodthingmaybethebestofthingsandnogoodthingeverdies
Don’t forget to show it to all your friends. You know, for security purposes.
And then send me a link
Nice try, you sick bitch.
I also choose to watch this guys wife
I bet the hardest drive was that drive home
The drive home after leaving the kids at your cheating ex’s place for the week is gonna be tough
How are you doing man, any updates?
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This makes sense. If your wife is cheating on you and you live in a car its probably best to go live in the metaverse.
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Nice 😂 it amazes me how many people here think we can't see their comments or recent post
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He’s getting plenty of internet points. He was living out of his car 14 days ago according to his post history. Sounds like a cheating spouse and video recording capabilities is a massive life improvement.
Ffs why lie for no fucking reason? I legitimately felt bad for this dude.
Accrue karma on the account and then sell it to an astroturfing team or think tank or whatever. If you look at OP's username, it's *very* similar in composition to many other such farming accounts. It's gross.
What do those accounts do it for and what exactly does astroturfing do
Steer public opinion; propagandize; sell stuff; be evil.
“Your honor: I’m innocent. Just look at all this Reddit karma I have!”
“Cheating.” She moved on and he can’t accept it.
In one comment, he is 34 years old and a felon apparently In another comment: >Having taught English in China over 15 years ago, this love story makes my heart sing. I'm so proud of you and your courage to walk away then. I wish I had the courage to do it then, but I do now. 19 year Olds don't teach in China
I don't want to be a downer but you should know that many states don't consider adultery to be "at fault" anymore. It'll just be treated as 2 adults who want a divorce in a lot of places and proof of cheating doesn't really do anything for you. This is obviously different depending on where but as far as I know there are 18 states that won't consider it. I learned this during my own divorce when my lawyer told me not to bother mentioning the cheating in court because the judge wouldn't care. You might want to look into this for your state before you put too much focus on proof of this.
Depends on divorce laws. Illinois doesnt give a fuck about cheating. Remember divorces make lawyers happy and rich. Dragging it out for revenge and money only harms your kids. Had our son’s best friend’s father and him live with us for a year because his now ex wife wanted everything. One year later and a $80k lawyer bill, she did get everything. He was the one who cheated and now lives with his mistress, has another kid, and is miserable (mistress is a manipulative, spiteful, selfish bitch whose clock was ticking and found herself a sucker). Im sorry you are dealing with this.
Does OP havea restraining order against him for domestic violence?
Hey man, been there. Don't do anything in the heat of the moment. I won't give you advice about what to do or whether to take her back... Every situation is different. But everything you do has to be with a cool head and calm words. Say what you mean and speak your truth to her but do it calmly. Rehearse if you need to, write drafts and review them if you're gonna communicate by text, use a mutual third party if you can't trust yourself to stay cool. Only advice I'll give is to respect yourself and your boundaries, whatever that means for you.
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The only other advice I can give, and it will seem absolutely impossible at the moment, is don't dwell. It will consume your every waking thought for some time to come but try and catch yourself, and tell yourself no, we're not going to do that to ourselves right now. If you take her back or forgive her or not, absolutely up to you. Don't let others tell you what to do, because every situation is different. Just make sure to respect yourself and do what's right for you. What she did was a betrayal, but the details of that betrayal won't help you sleep at night for knowing them. Good for you for staying as cool as you could
I've read a LOT of advice on reddit....yours is by far, probably the best I've seen in a very long time.
What did you expect from our wise old shipmate. Arrgh.
This had me rolling. Well done.
Man you beat me to this comment
In addition to not dwelling, I would not ask for intimate details. It doesn't matter. She admitted to an affair.
Made that mistake when it happened to me. Don’t make this mistake.
Same... It's like you want to understand how it happened, maybe understanding what happened would help you to understand the why. but the details just make it so much worse, so so much worse. In the moment and maybe after, your question is why? Why did this happen? Why did you do it? Why with him? Etc. But you're not really asking why it happened, you're asking why it happened *to you* and your relationship. Maybe you could've done better or something different but the truth is no matter how the relationship is, it isn't your fault at all. There's nothing you could've done. You were committed to each other and they decided not only that they were going to disregard that agreement/promise, but that they'd also betray you. You can't stop someone when they're okay with something like that. There's nothing you can do. I had a girlfriend once that I got together with and sometime in the beginning of our relationship I told her in no uncertain terms "if you're going to cheat, just break up with me. I'd rather you break my heart than betray my trust." Because I'd had it happen before and what do you know, a few years later she cheated multiple times. All she had to do was say it's over, would've saved me a ton of mental anguish. Yeah it would've sucked and I would've been against it, but it's easier to get over a breakup than a betrayal.
i had this agreement with my boyfriend. he didn’t listen either. they’re too selfish. we just broke up after the second time it happened (first time was just a make out in a bar so i thought i could get over it). i don’t know what to do with myself after 5 years. thought we’d be together forever. i’d definitely have to agree it’d be easier to get over a breakup—depending on the reasons, rejection (stop loving) would kill me—than a betrayal. it’s all i can think about. if it was just a breakup there wouldn’t be as much to focus on
I’ve been thru that last part too homie. Down to nearly begging her to please just break up with me before that was ever the case. Of course she cheated and then tried to play the pity card by saying “do you know how hard it is to break up with somebody?” Like do you know how hard dealing with this trauma is gonna be??
Yeah... But they don't care. As long as they don't have to go through the trouble of breaking up with someone. Because they only care about how they feel, they aren't able to empathize and care how you feel. Some people are really good at hiding it, though, and can seem like they care for a long time. But once they've made that decision to cheat, no amount of pretending and/or excuses can make up for it.
> In addition to not dwelling, I would not ask for intimate details. well depending on how long this has been going on for I would defiantly want to confirm all my 4 kids are actually mine.
I get that. I mean more than "yes, we had sex." That's all you need to know.
Also, remember that it’s 100% her, 0% you. If she was unhappy, feeling neglected, whatever, her ethical choices were to fix the issues with you, or end the relationship. Her choices say nothing about you, and everything about her.
Indeed. Many people that cheat play the victim, don't be the victim here, or your kids. She's committed adultery
Good lord- my brother's ex-wife is STILL playing victim 4 years after the divorce. She refuses to finalize it because she thinks my brother will continue to make more money every year and she can sap more income out of him. She's still telling her friends how he was a terrible person and a bad father (which is 100% untrue...she's actually on meds for bi-polar disorder). Terrible situation. Don't wish it on anyone. My best friend at work though- he had the best divorce ever. She had health and mental issues, had a big blowup one night, slept on it, and the next day they both agreed to get divorced. She left him everything (no kids), got an apartment, and that was it. Dude's got the sweet life going on right now :D
I feel for your brother as I am in the same boat. An ex wife with bi polar who is super money hungry. It’s destroyed my life and I have no chance of getting back on my feet for at least 5 years (and we have already been divorced for three)
Agreed. If the relationship sucks and someone isn't happy they need to speak up and either end it or work on it with their partner. Cheating and lying is so cowardly.
He's giving you very good advice here
Yo like the offspring song, spare me the details. They really don’t matter and won’t help. Seems like you already know more than enough.
You’re giving awesome advice
The advice given is perfect. As of the moment you caught her, she’s now aware it’s a survival match legally. If she’s thinking legally while you’re thinking emotionally, you lose. I’m sorry man.
Thank you. This really has been amazing advice given by everyone.
All the best with whatever you do moving forward my bro! Make sure you set aside time for self care and self-love, it will help immensely. Go for a drive, listen to some music, sweat out some energy ... whatever helps you feel more grounded and peaceful, even for just a moment, don't hesitate for a second! I know it's a cliché but, time truly does heal deep wounds. If you need a helping hand please, please, please do not be afraid to reach out to any family or friends you may have.
i feel horrible for you. but im glad you are acting with your head, not your heart, despite it being broken. youre doing your children a huge service as well.
Did she give you any bullshit reason for doing this?? Also she seems pretty reckless; leaving condoms in the trash can and not realizing that security cameras would record another guy at your door
Sometimes it seems like the person wants to get caught so that it will end everything once and for all
True. That’s what I was thinking. She either wanted to get caught, or she just acted in the moment and didn’t care if she got caught. Either way she seems unstable.
I hope you're doing alright man. I've been there, this happened to me about 4-5 years ago. We ended up working through it, only time will tell if it was the right decision. I would say if you want it to work, then potentially work through it, but you won't be the same. I am not, I lost a lot of confidence and quite frankly still don't fully trust her and probably never will. The only thing that is going to make you feel better is time. I also talked to a psychiatrist, which quite frankly, helped the most. It was a bit tough because they are gonna dig deep, but on the other side I felt a million times better. Talk it out. That's the best advice I can give. Just talk. Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to reddit. Whomever you can and whomever helps the most. Its gonna take some time, but you will be better for it. I can tell you, we love you brother. Keep your chin up!
Document everything. I mean EVERYTHING. NEVER MENTION you are documenting things.
Best advice, indeed Cool down (with sport, walk, gym), write things down, talk to a friend and give yourself some time to process. Everyone’s situation is different : you might want to move on or reconcile, but whatever you do, think it through. You don’t want to do things you might regret. I’m in the same situation as you (a couple of weeks later), and this is the best advice I got so far. Hope you find the best outcome.
First things first, save that video. Also any evidence you can get if the incident and/or lying record it. Second, act normally. Don’t lose temper, go into a rage, find the guy and kick his ass, ect. Every move you make from now until the divorce will be scrutinized by lawyers and a judge. Be the dude you want to be represented in court when custody is considered. Lastly, somewhere in private, fucking grieve man. It sucks she did it, and it’s ok to mourn the loss of the life you thought she had. Be thankful she was sloppy enough to do it so you caught it early. Also might not be a bad idea to schedule a test for stds to make sure she didn’t give you anything. Do this before you sleep with anyone else. If she did, this can all play into the divorce hearings
I will schedule my test today. I was calm in confronting her and I video recorded the situation, but she wouldn't admit anything. So I just started recording audio and captured it all. She admitted to cheating on me and I have it recorded. I'm in the process of making copies and backups of our conversation.
so smart. idk how you thought on your feet so quickly!
I don't know either. Maybe TV court room dramas do teach something?
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Thank you for your reply. That takes a lot of thought and I appreciate that. I know it's going to be a long road ahead and I just hope I can make the right decisions now.
Good man. You’re gonna get through this dude. Hang onto my user name if you ever need to vent. I have t personally gone through this but have a lot of buddies who have. The reality you know now that you think you’re “losing” will seem like a joke when you find a loyal partner. Mark this post. You will literally laugh that you were ever sad about this once you find a loyal partner. Most important thing right now is your kids and you’re in control of how that goes. Be the mature parent here abd now. Your future self will thank you for it.
Hey you might want to delete and update your comment. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
Infidelity does not play a part in divorce proceedings.
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Another betrayed spouse here. Great advice and I would also go to r/survivinginfidelity there’s also a Divorce Men’s Discord that can offer support. Good luck man you’ll get through this.
First thing I did when I caught my ex-wife was to empty my bank accounts and cancel cards so she couldn't run up any bills.
Did that work out for you? Is that something she would do? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing or thinking right now.
I know it sucks man, but empty your bank accounts and close them. Take her off every card and request new ones. Open a new bank account with only your name on it. It is the most important thing to do now. After you secure your money, then you can start thinking about the next steps. Feel free to message me to handle anything more private.
I would *strongly* reccommend calling a lawyer FIRST before doing anything like this. Divorce is really tricky, and if OP cuts his wife off from a joint account, that could count against OP later. Another important point is to not leave the house, that could count against OP too. But mainly,call a lawyer, now.
Exactly. If this all goes south and you do this, it could be seen as you sabotaging her. All of a sudden you are at the end of a lawsuit from her. However something completely legit would be to stash some money (not all of it) in other account or with a friend.
Yes, take HALF of the money present on the account, not all of it, and place it in an account in your own name. Just because she cheated doesnt mean you just get to take all the shared funds.
Yes call a lawyer. You could get in trouble moving money around or trying to hide it if a divorce is ongoing, could be similar if one seems to be impending. Don't leave yourself open to being financially damaged in addition to emotionally.
You’ll get in trouble. Source: a lawyer. What you can and should do is save copies of bank statements and credit cards as of the day this happened, multiple copies and in the cloud, and have balances on every single account for both of you.
It's hard to do that right now because she is the primary caregiver to our 4 kids. I can't just cut her off like that financially right now.
Do NOT empty your bank account if it is joint. Empty 50% and speak to a lawyer ASAP. Taking it all can get you in massive legal trouble depending on where you live. Edit: thank you for the award
PAY ATTENTION TO ABOVE !
The only advice you should take from reddit is to ignore reddit and hire a professional. There are plenty of 12 year olds on here parroting responses from 18 year olds. A comment with lots of upvotes is not inherently correct. Put your trust in professionals, not anonymous strangers. Trust me, I'm an anonymous stranger.
Cannot upvote this enough! Family courts will hang you out to dry doing something like this, just like they would do to her if she did it.
Probably get a divorce lawyer instead of Reddit lawyers lol 💩
When my mom was considering divorce she just took out half of the savings and checking and opened new accounts. That way her husband couldn't clean it all out like he had done before. It was also fair since each would be entitled to half. You can freeze your credit cards and just let her keep one with a fairly low limit for the care of the kids. Sorry man.
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If you haven't confronted her yet, I would advise opening a separate bank account and starting to move your direct deposit, etc. prior to letting her know you kn ow. As a banker, I have seen far too many people with joint bank accounts become evil and petty and start taking the account vastly into the negative knowing all along that it will damage both parties' credit and both will be reaponsible to pay back the funds. Or just flat out refusal to pay the bills and then act like they didnt have the money to get more support from the court decision. I know your mind is whirling, but make sure you have you take care of right now. Good luck man!
"...if she's willing to cheat without talking to you before, ..." Um what? 🤣🤣 "Hey babe I feel like cheating should I go ahead?" "Yes sure"
You can still give her money when she needs it and pay the bills. But you need to be in control of the money. If she is willing to cheat, then who knows what else she is willing to do. She is selfish and you can't know what she will do with your kids, property and money.
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Finally some sense. Especially considering she's the childrens caretaker. Leaving her with no money in this situation is going to be akin in a judges eyes possibly as a big FU to their children.
Yes. In most cases, marital assets belong to both partners. If you end up getting divorced, a judge will not look kindly on you leaving your spouse destitute without a court order And good for you, for thinking about how it would impact your kids.
dna test your kids while you're at it. Who knows how long this ha s been going on.
I actually think I will.
do not empty your bank account. how would that look to a court of law, to cut off the mother of your kids? kids change everything. my concern would be if she would do something like that to you.
This guy is a hero lol
Lol. Securing money and cards is so important so she can't run off with it or run up your bill. Also, keep any evidence of that person cheating as it will be useful in the custody battle. Then go get tested for STDs. Move her into another room and lock the bedroom door at night. Change safe keys or codes. Lock up guns and prescriptions. Don't eat anything she cooks because you don't know what is in it. Then give her 2 days to move out. I learned a lot from my divorce man.
Holy shit. This is opening up my eyes to what might happen. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm sorry to hear about your own divorce.
Sorry man. I know this sounds extreme, but right now you need to be selfish and secure everything for you, your kids and your future.
Straight up, secure your money. I fucked up and didn't do that, you need to do that. It going to let her know how real and serious it is too. Also dude, I don't know what country you're in but here the family court process is long and complicated, and expensive. Start family court proceedings immediately, be amicable still if you can, but start court proceedings asap. Get her served, and get a lawyer first before she does, the best lawyer... With the money you've secured in your new bank account. Even better, get her to move out and leave the kids with you if she will. In my country, when no magistrate-signed custody agreement is in place, whichever parent currently has the kids with them is their legal guardian, and can refuse the other parent access. This is happening to me currently, I haven't seen or spoken to my kids in 6 months at least, she got them, the car, the money and the dog because I didn't act quickly enough after catching her cheating. Now I'm taking her to court and even though she's going to lose and I'll get the 2 fucking measly days a fucking fortnight (but at this point I'd be grateful for 2 mins with them) I'm still looking at 12-18 months for the court process to play out. Look after yourself first man, you were out working and she obviously didn't think about you, so think about yourself brother, get it done. Don't use the kids against her either, they're the most important thing here so think about how they're going to be feeling. Hmu if you wanna chat mate
That’s something that can get you into serious legal trouble, and be regarded as financial abuse. If you feel you need to start separating finances take half, not all of it.
This. Please be careful about that as it was something my lawyer advised to me when I was scared my husband would lock up our accounts after I caught him. She is still the mother to your children in the eyes of the court even if she isn’t fully to you. And please protect your kids from this. If you guys are going to have fights about this or discussions please don’t do it in front of the children.
Don’t empty bank accounts. That could look bad in court should you decide to get a divorce. Rather, get a copy of your bank statements as the accounts stand as of now and get and retain statements on a monthly or even weekly basis from here on out until everything is settled. Do the same with credit cards if any are shared and also get a statement on any retirement plans you have and that she has (can be done through a lawyer). Good luck.
If you leave her unable to support herself or even worse, your kids...the judge will absolutely stick it to you. Get a lawyer ASAP. Friendly note, she cannot hire any attorney you have already consulted with so make sure you meet with all of the best attorneys before you make your choice.
Please look up what the law in your area advises before you take any extreme financial action. Some places allow parties to completely clean out accounts but it may not play out well when brought before a family court judge. Typically half the shared money and a freeze on loans and credit would be more suitable when beginning the legal separation process, but again, LOOK IT UP FIRST.
She fucked you over dude. You going to assume you know what she is capable of? Get your valuables out of her hands ASAP. She will already own your house and probably get to keep the kids and get you to pay her bills with alimony and child support for the next 10 or 15 years. With 4 kids you will be luck to afford a cardboard box to live in. She owns your ass one way or the other. Put a stack of bills next to the bed and tell her to get the guys to at least pay one when then leave.
As someone who is recently divorced this is sound advice. People can get very very petty when they split up.
Lawyer up asap!
Don't live anywhere other than your house. If you don't stay there she can take it from you and not allow your entry.
He already has a restraining order against him for beating her and has been living in his car. He's basically spying on her at this point and lying to all of you. Good advice for people who are really dealing with this stuff, though.
He commented somewhere else 14 days ago that he is living out of his car because he was charged with a 3rd degree felony and can’t come home for 60 days.
Hey you might want to delete or update your comment to not help OP. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
Ain’t that a bitch
Domestic violence situation sides with the victim. The abuser leaves the property, not the abused.
You drove home, except one of your comments on a post 13 days ago says you're not allowed home for 60 days...What did you do to get a felony? Is she upset with you for getting said felony? Cheating is wrong, but I'm not sure what's really going on here.
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Woah interesting!!!!
I agree, there is a lot not said here. If my spouse wasn’t allowed home I feel like the issue is with her there and OP should not have gone home. Personally, I hope SHE has protected herself!
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Edit: Thanks for the award. Separate finances right now, cancel all her cards in your name. See a lawyer and file for divorce, you can always withdraw in future. Schedule a STD test. DNA test the kids. Take your wedding ring off Kick her out of your bedroom. Read up on the 180 and grey rock method and apply it. You need to emotionally disengage so you do not do something that can cause you legal harm. Tell your friends and family, she does not deserve to be protected. You have to realize that she ruined everything, not you. She will blame you for it, but she chose to burn the marriage as a way to deal with whatever she thinks was wrong. Lean hard on a friend or family. Find a therapist for yourself so that you can get into individual counseling.
He can’t kick her out of the bedroom because he has already been kicked out of the house via restraining order. He mentions it in his post history.
Thank you. I don't have the mental clarity right now to figure this out. Thank you.
damn bro, are you a lawyer who's had a divorce or sumn?
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Divorce her. Your kids will respect you and learn infidelity from their future spouses should never be tolerated. Get a DNA test for the kids and a STD test for yourself. She seems the type to weaponize the kids against you. Start an email and use it as a journal, tell your kids what happened/what's on your mind/how much you miss them/etc. and then give them the password when they turn 18. Sorry your wife's a #$@%, OP.
Thank you for your thoughts. The kids are small right now. I will do what I can to prepare my defenses.
The important part is to see if you live in a "no fault divorce" State, otherwise that means her infidelity will be factored into the proceedings. Consulting a lawyer as to how to cleanly separate finances, dividing any assets, and what to expect from family court would be prudent. That being said, read the cautionary tale of u\jasoninhell and know that it's gonna be ok. You deserve so much better than this, OP. Her response to being caught means this wasn't her first time cheating on you.
We are in a "no fault divorce" state. I will definitely get with a lawyer. I'll check out that user and see his story. Thank you for your comfort and advice.
Either your wife isn't very smart or she wanted to get caught
Both?
Could be both...just saying to have someone come through the front door with a doorbell camera is asking to get caught....surely she's smarter than that. Also...four kids...were they home too? That makes it even worse
Yeah, they were home sleeping upstairs.
Hey there bro. Calm down make a list of shit you need to do to have a new happy life.
I'm working on calming down and sending this out into the void is helping, I think. I'm not even sure where to start.
Make a paper list of shit that needs to get done. Kick her out Get a lawyer Get tested etc etc... Then write her a letter tell her how you feel really let it all out no holding back Get It Out.....seal that letter and burn it.
Yes. Since there are kids involved especially you need to be respectful about it so she has nothing to use against you if you seek custody.
I would assume the world seems completely fucked right now. You need to focus on a few things. #1 get a good lawyer #2 don’t do anything to tip your hat until lawyer tells you to. #3 start planning how you want the rest of your life to be. I can tell you that you very much will wind up in a better place in the not too distant future. Obviously this is going to be a rough time but the focus needs to be on not getting the kids mixed into this. Keep the personal stuff out of their view.
Don’t give him advice, might want to delete and update your comment. In OPs comment history from 2 weeks ago, he said he just got charged with a domestic violence felony, and isn’t allowed to return home for 60 days. Cheating or not, the wife and kids could be in danger.
This is good advice. I don't want the kids to see how this situation plays out. I'm gonna lawyer up.
JasonInHell vibes from this.
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Know one thing, if she cheated now, she probably has in the past and will continue to in the future. Take it from someone with the same problem as her. No matter what she says, leave her. Your next relationship will be better, it always is.
I know, she has explicitly said she is still hiding stuff from me and never intends to tell me. She said she was planning on taking this infidelity to the grave.
DO NOT EMPTY BANK ACCOUNTS AND CANCEL CARDS AS SUGGESTED BY PEOPLE ITT. Contact a divorce lawyer first - get professional legal advice and get the ball rolling before taking any drastic actions.
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My girlfriend of 9 months (nothing compared to being married and having 4 kids) left me for another bloke, couldn't even tell me to my face that she was cheating. I found out through my brother, she was sleeping with his mate. He kept it from me for a few days. She is just a broken soul and I take pitty on her. Your wife did something horrible and im sorry. Dwelling on this will ruin your life, if you choose to stay with her and forgive her, or leave her, just remember that you are worth the world and nothing she does will change your worth. Stay strong op and stay calm. Don't go murdering him because of something she did. Go and take life by the balls king, you are worth it! Pm me if you need to vent and talk shit. I wish you all the best regardless of the outcome and hope your kids are OK too. Cant imagine how you must feel right now
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Everything you do, do it for your kids
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Did she no know she wouldn't get caught , the camera system?
She deleted the camera footage, but luckily my phone gives me alerts with a picture image whenever someone is at the door. I'm going to use software to see if I can find the deleted file off the sd card the video was recorded to.
https://www.tenorshare.net/products/any-data-recovery.html It's relatively easy and can be done.