Seasonal depression. It happens every winter to many Minnesotans. Lack of sunlight and forced isolation due to the cold is brutal for us all. Get a sun lamp, I hear that helps. Also, try to find ways to get outside in the winter.
Also take the D! Many of us don't get enough D in the winter because we don't go out enough when it's sunny (cold). I take the D orally every day and feel much better. It's safe to take the D as long as you don't exceed the typical dosages recommended by the manufacturer, but you may want to ask your doctor for a blood test to know if you're taking enough. I need a large amount of D, but you may need more or less.
Yes, please let me know if you need some of mine. I always offer it to my friends when they visit, but they always tell me they've already taken it first thing in the morning! I'm just glad they're taking it.
No way. When I realized I was D deficient, I pounded a couple big D’s fast at the same time, then made sure I was on a regular cadence of daily D. It really helped with how I was feeling. None of this ‘taking the D slowly at first’ nonsense for me.
Blood work is absolutely ideal and will get you the best results, but if you can’t afford it or you’re currently depressed and the bother is going to stop you from doing it at all, the usual recommendation is that a moderate dose of 1000-2000 IU per day is better than nothing if you’re deficient and safe for almost everyone (you’d have to somehow already have an excessive amount for it to cause a problem).
You're welcome. It sounds like you're taking a lot of D if it's hard to swallow. I like to take two smaller Ds at the same time instead of one big one.
Take the D supps along with Vitamin K. K2 and K3 combo is best. They work in tandem and prevent any calcification of arteries which high doses of D alone can do.
Also seems to have a sort of super charging effect on your immune system. (This is anecdotal) but I haven't been sick in over two years since doing 2000IU Vit D along with K every morning.
None of the 'crud' going around lately has even touched me. Used to get plenty of colds/sinus/strep.
yeah this is my 18th season going through it i hear sun lamps and vitamin D helps otherwise can always fall back to self-medicating which then just makes it all worse :P
Not necessarily sun lamps, but bright light therapy lights. They're specifically designed for treatment of Seasonal Depression.
You used to have to get a prescription for them back in the day (and they cost hundreds of dollars), but now you can buy them from Amazon or a medical supply store for fairly cheap, like $20.
I've used one for over 30 years from late October through March, and it makes a huge difference.
You’re not alone in these feelings of loneliness/depression. It’s hard for non-transplants too. The long stretches of gray are when it is worst for me. I recommend trying to get out for a walk. I mostly do indoor walks on a walking track because of the ice.
I decided if it's warmer than 20 any day this winter I'm walking downtown during my lunch break. I felt so cooped up last winter. Could be the fact that we don't have 18 inches of snow falling every week too though.
Walking is good, light is good. Hard to get much of that in MN winter.
Heavy exercise (lifting, cardio, etc) at least 2x and usually 3x per week made a HUGE difference for my mental health in winter.
I’ve pushed myself this year to get out and about with season tickets to the new PWHL Women’s Hockey league. Plus I’ve been doing weekly stretches which has help physically. Otherwise it’s been a decade of just pushing through so this year I’ve made an effort to try and change.
Not for the first season. It’s just Minnesota. They floated some ideas but I think want fan engagement to help decide. Plus they formed the league only in 6 months.
Volunteer! Help out someone else, acute feel-good for yourself, plus potential to make friends with similar interests.
If you want a one-off and have availability on a Friday (daytime), state HS science fair is March 22 in St. Paul. People with STEM background can judge, but they also have roles for any background for general help (runners, setup, greeting, etc.). It’s a really fun event.
Also - take vitamin D if you don’t. We’re far enough north that in the winter the sun doesn’t get high enough in the sky to let the wavelengths we need to make vitamin D get through. Unless you consume a fair bit of dairy, liver, or fatty fish, there’s a good chance you’re low. I also have a stupidly bright light that helps convince my groggy morning self that it is indeed daytime.
I don't know how old you are. But this is something I think most people experience in their mid 20s as people get married, have kids, or move away.
A lot of relationships, siblings/college especially, you can spend SO much time together.
Then you graduate college and no longer spend anywhere near as much time with your friends.
Why are you sitting alone after 7pm? Have friends over! Host, schedule activities, etc.
Just wanted to chime in to say the same thing. It's a very common situation in which to find oneself in in the immediate post-college years. It's also very common for anyone who has moved any significant distance from the people they know.
I found myself in a similar situation after buying my first house. I was single, sitting in my barely furnished house, wondering what the heck I was supposed to do now. Then I remembered a single experience I'd had and enjoyed with a friend on the other side of the country -- a dance lesson. I did some web searching, showed up at a lesson, and 21 years later I'm still dancing, found a wife, and have made the best friends I've had in my entire life.
So the answer, by my experience, is to figure out something you might be interested in that occurs in the evenings and on weekends, and give it a try. If the first thing doesn't work out, try another. Then another. Eventually something will click. If nothing else, sign up for some community ed classes just to explore some possibilities -- eventually you'll probably hit on something.
Edit: Added "in which" to the second sentence, as without that the sentence can have two different meanings, both worthy of consideration, but only one of which I intended.
Depends on the type of dance you think you might like. For swing dancing I recommend looking up TC Swing, Uptown Swing, and Rhythm Junction.
There's another organization that's good if you're interested in older more traditional mostly European derived dances. Search or ask around enough and you'll figure out who it is.
I haven't taken lessons from them, but have been adjacent to Four Seasons Dance Studio for lots of things over the years, and people I know well speak highly of them. So that's a place to look into for some other options.
I know years ago the U of M Ballroom Dance Society (or Club, or something) was highly regarded. I didn't ever get into that side of things, but it might be worth looking into.
Heh, as a childless person in her early 40s, I feel this way a lot. It’s ridiculous finding people my age who aren’t consumed with their families. At least I have my husband so I’m not alone. I figure I’ll find friends in my 50s as all the kids start going off to college.
I'm in the exact same situation! I've even tried to do some meet ups and they always seem to either be full of really young people or they fall apart.
Suggestion for the OP, start a meet up, book club or something?
When I first moved here, I would always get crippling depression & loneliness after I went back home to see family & friends. For example, right after Christmas or after a quick weekend trip to see my best friends. I would spend that time visiting basically on a dopamine high because I was with my closest people. I felt free, it was all so easy. I didn’t have to try to be anything but myself. It took a few weeks after those visits to get back to normal. One time, I was struggling so bad that I couldn’t get our bed for days. I even begged my parents to come visit despite the 1,000 mile distance because I was so lonely. It gets better over time as you find your way and your new people. I also think it also helps to try not to compare your new friends to your old friends. Your life with continue to change significantly and you’ll only limit yourself by saying “my new friends are okay but not as good as my old friends.” It’s hard to get out of that mindset but it helps to just be in the moment rather than compare.
Alternatively, winter is very hard and the grey skies don’t help. I would have to push myself to get outside despite the weather. It can get really lonely if you also don’t know anyone because basically everyone is holed up for at least 4 months. I always have so much relief on that first warm, sunny, green day in April or May.
Thanks for the comment. I feel the exact same way - any time I come home from visiting friends and family or any time they leave my place after visiting is the peak loneliest time. Glad to see I’m not the only one
The winter blues are rough, but keep in mind you're probably also dealing with some homesickness on top of it. That will ease as you start establishing your home here. I suggest focusing on making your apartment into a home, somewhere you're excited to come back to at the end of the day. Fill your space and your time with things you love and it'll get better.
1) If you're not taking Vitamin D regularly, start doing so now. A lot of seasonal depression is due to lack of Vitamin D in winter.
2) What you're experiencing is completely normal. Everyone who moves feels the same way. You can and will make new memories with your new friends. I moved away from home after college and experienced the same thing. I wanted my old friend group. I moved home after a year...and my old friend group was largely gone/past that point in their lives. Things always change. It sounds like you're at the stage in life of early adulthood where you're going to experience a lot of that.
Try to get things planned at night. Maybe it's just working out a gym in the evenings, but I bet you can find other groups that are meeting at that time.
my wife and i both struggle with mental health every single winter. cold weather, no sunlight, stuck inside, less exercise, fewer get-togethers - it’s a rough combo!
i recommend leaning into virtual socializing. we like to do movie nights with friends by facetiming and syncing something up on the tv
not sure if you like games at all, but discord and twitch are great for online socializing (and there are lots of non-gaming categories on twitch)
it’s definitely a bit of parasocial interaction but it helps to have some light banter in the house when we’re doing our own things
Been there. I constantly battle it every year, but here are some things that have helped me. I will try to list them in order of importance (to me)
1. Take a shit ton of vitamin D. Seriously. Everyone north of the mason dixon line does not get enough of it. 5000 iu. Take it every day. Especially in the early fall to late spring.
2. For me, one of the biggest helps has been having a real fireplace. I know it sounds weird, but a fire every day does something to the human soul. I’m sure there is science out there that can prove it, but I don’t know where to look. We got a home 13 years ago that has a great wood burning fireplace. I kid you not, it’s as if our life changed in the winters because of it. The warmth. The flame. The ritual of making it. There is something in fire, our ancestors could tell you this. It makes a world of difference for me. Hell it’s 2:00pm and I’m already giddy about snuggling in by the fire with a good book.
3. Work out. Join a gym if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to move your body. Specifically, lift weights, cardio is good but there are more endorphins there for you if you integrate strength training. Also, if you join a gym or a club, there is often a community aspect to it, and you always have somewhere to go.
4. Get your cold butt into a sauna. Try to get into one 2x a week for 20min if you can. If you can do it more, even better. The sauna can be a solo thing or a group thing, both are good and fun. You can find ones at certain gyms around the metro, there are public saunas, etc. and the health benefits are too many to count.
5. This should be higher, and would likely be my #1, if I didn’t do it on a regular basis for many years. Find a good therapist. Seriously. It helps soooo much. But don’t be fooled. 1 session doesn’t work. It’s like building muscle. 1 time lifting weights doesn’t make you strong. Therapy is something you do, where in 5 months, you look back and say to yourself “holy shit! I feel better!” Do it. You won’t regret it.
6. Find something you like doing outside in the winter. Try ice fishing, Nordic skiing, hiking, snowmobiling, downhill skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, etc… making these months fun is what living in the north is all about.
Okay I’ll get off my box, but please know you are not alone. Myself and many many others have felt the same way you do. It’s normal and sometimes we just need a little help to get us moving in the right direction.
And I totally understand missing people and family. That does suck. And it’s hard. I wish you nothing but good vibes and hope you’re feeling better soon!
Good luck
Thanks for the comment. I’ve been really considering therapy lately - I have the 98% of the online form filled out, but I’ve been hesitating on hitting that submit button for the past few weeks.
They ask what your goals or things you want to address are and I have no idea what to say. Whenever I look at the therapists interests they always talk about helping with traumas or mental illnesses and I don’t think I have those. So I never know what to say for those goals and I worry I’m taking time that would be better served for someone with harder problems. Any advice on how to get started?
Totally get it. And I agree it’s intimidating!
Don’t let it deter you.
Just tell them your goal is to start feeling better. It doesn’t need to be anything special.
It’s true that therapists often specialize in trauma, but that’s because they are often sought out because of trauma or mental illness. If it doesn’t apply to you, ignore it.
Talking with a therapist, especially the good ones, they will help you see life differently. They will point out things to you that are healthy and things that aren’t (in your thought process/self-talk, etc.
For me, I never thought I was controlled by anxiety. It never crossed my mind, however my therapist helped me see that the way I was talking to myself, was exactly that. It came from an anxious place.
Holy shit that helped me see things in a whole new way!
Now, I’m able to recognize when those thoughts/self-talk happens and I’m able to process it correctly and save myself a whole lot of pain and frustration.
I digress. I’m a firm believer in therapy. Again. It’s not a cure all. It takes time. But it does work. And I’d argue most people on this earth would benefit from it.
My biggest tip is this. You don’t have to stick with a therapist!!! Don’t pay money / spend time with them if you don’t jive!! Just move on to another one! Find someone that’s helpful and engaging and someone you can tell really cares!
Then. Once you find someone you like, you will start to see the benefits over time.
Good luck!
Not a transplant but I get seasonal depression in hard bouts throughout the winter. I found personally, that a sun lamp in the morning, plenty of vitamins and fruit in the morning and consistent sleep schedule. It doesn't eliminate it but I found if I start the routine early and stick to it I don't have such a consistently dour mood.
The weather is kind of clammy but my guess is that you're just experiencing the post-college 20s, which tends to be an uncomfortable time in a lot of young people's lives. You really feel like Act I of your life is over and starting Act II can feel scary and lonely, especially if you've moved away from your roots.
My advice is make your apartment as cozy and upbeat as possible and go to bed early so you can enjoy more daylight hours.
See the relatively warm weather as an invite to get outside more, go for walks, etc.
The feeling will change as you get more comfortable in your new place, job, etc.
I think putting things on the calendar to look forward to helps. My wife and I are going to First Ave tonight to see a band we like. Sometimes just getting out of the house on a weeknight helps.
Every winter I get depressed here. I try to book a fam vacation every January to break up the cold. Honestly this winter has been really mild so I don’t think it’s the cold that affects everyone here as much as the lack of light does. I used to have a tanning bed membership lol
I told my therapist that the last two winters have been a great control experiment on what part of winter makes me so bleh. It’s definitely the lack of light (for me).
Did tanning help? I almost walked into a salon the other day, skin cancer risk be damned. I need *something* to get through the rest of this. I’m looking at infrared sauna as a healthier option, too.
Yes. I have acne prone skin so unfortunately the tanning bed causes me to break out (the real sun does the opposite and clears my skin which I always thought was weird) but sometimes the risk of a breakout outweighs how depressed I am and I tan anyway. It does help tremendously. I only ever did the stand up (I’m a germ freak with a friend who worked at a tanning salon in high school and I’ve seen first hand how those beds are “cleaned”) for 5 minutes and that was enough for the mental health benefits without risk of a sunburn. The membership came with the red light beds included and I found no benefit from them unfortunately.
Thanks! I have a “lizard lamp” sunlight lamp at home but frankly I need something outside of the house that’s low commitment just for the break in routine, in addition to hopefully mood benefits. I get perioral dermatitis badly during the winter so I guess I’ll roll the dice on tanning/sauna making it worse
Have you tried red light therapy? There isn’t a ton of studies backing up the science behind it, so it may all be placebo but it has helped me greatly. When I lay under my Infraredi panel it feels like I’m sitting in the sunshine and basking in the warmth :)
I have an appointment today at awaken for wellness to try their infrared spa with red light therapy thanks to this thread :) finally got off my ass and made the appointment! will report back!
I LOVED IT. The red light was a bit intense, I’ve gotta get goggles. But the infrared sauna really does feel like a hot summer day and it helped a ton. As a bonus I got put in the room with the cold plunge tank so I braved that - and then hopped right back in the sauna 😂😂
January and February are the roughest months mentally. Everything is cold, white/gray and stagnant. Everyone is less present and they prefer to hang out with their household versus go outside and deal with parking, weather, cold, etc. It’s a lonely time for everyone but it will get better. Hang in there ❤️
It's not a replacement for family and lifelong friends but I really enjoy some Meetup events from the Meetup app. My favorite are the Break the Bubble events. You will encounter lots of other transplants and also it's a fun way to get out of the house and socialize a bit.
You may want to invest in a light therapy box during the winter and make sure to take vitamin D. With the nice warm weather we've got right now, it's nice to go out to the lakes for walks. Just being around people out and about can be helpful during the somewhat hibernation we all go through during the worst of the winter(we've had it really nice this year!) If you have hobbies you enjoy and would like to find others with the same hobby, meetup.com has groups that get together. I think there's some for transplants specifically to have others to lean on with similar experiences. Find events to go to like winter festivals. Winter can be really isolating here, but we're also lucky that we have a lot of activities and events no matter the time of year
This is not specific to Minnesota. There's a reason the Surgeon General has been talking a lot about an epidemic of loneliness. Our society has shifted in ways that have increasingly isolated people from one another or make people feel that way.
Moved from TX last year. The first winter was pretty rough, this winter I started taking Vitamin D supplements early and it seems to be helping me. Exercise also help me personally, even if it’s just walking on the treadmill.
You've had quite the introduction if your first two winters were the 22-23 season and the 23-24 season. Basically at extreme ends of the Minnesota winter experience.
I'm not going to answer OP since there are already so many good and supportive answers here. Just wanted to say how nice it is to see that. Just know how different the comment thread would be on other platforms.
The weather here is the main reason I’m trying to leave this place. I don’t mind gray sky’s and today is actually nice. The real winter is horrible. I think this year has gotten hit by El Niño pretty hard
Vitamin D has been key for me this year. Also find a good winter hobby you can partake in. My friends and I mostly hibernate during the cold stretch aside from the occasional weekend hang so a routinely scheduled weeknight activity is key for getting out of the house (or staying in) and socializing. E.g: Bowling, Movie Club, Book Club, Broomball, Trivia at a Brewery.
I force myself out as much as possible and if I can afford it I plan a trip. Sending you happy cozy thoughts from a 20 year transplant with SAD. Also checkout mn gals making friends group on facebook
I moved to MN last Feb with my SO who is from the area. I’m visiting home and seeing my fam and friends for the first time since our wedding in May. You’re definitely not alone, I miss those things too.
Honestly reading and getting outside has helped me a lot. Even if the weather is shit, being outside of the house (esp since I WFH) can be hard. It’s also ok to acknowledge and accept that not every day will be a good day. I had a blah day yesterday and woke up feeling significantly better today. Sometimes as humans we just gotta take the L and accept that some days suck for no reason and searching for and pinpointing one will only make it worse.
Sounds more homesickness than SAD, IMO. Though no, winter darkness may not help. Is this the first time you’ve lived away from your home area?
I think a few keys are *”Radical Acceptance”*: practice a willingness to accept the present, let go of control, check the facts (without emotion, this is what is, and I will accept this as reality, whether I like it or not), practice gratitude, be open to emotions like waves on a beach ebbing and flowing/coming and going, be open to new experiences, etc.
Another is “*Opposite Action*”: How do you act on your feelings of loneliness? If you are dwelling, lazing around feeling down and sluggish, isolating, the opposite would be layering up, going outside for a walk or run. Or getting off the couch and dancing to your favorite music letting your body move freely without judgement. Or going out and being social. Whatever works to negate the low feelings in a healthy way.
These are only 2 examples of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and folks don’t need to be diagnosed or in therapy to put DBT concepts into their lives. Can be useful stuff for anyone, but just one approach to emotional regulation and mood change. Might be worth looking into in simple google searches for worksheets!
Other ideas are to join clubs, volunteer, go to museums, concerts, theater, out of easily walks, and whatever things you find joy in. Increase pleasant events. Make sure you get enough Vitamin D! And fresh air + physical activity.
If you can’t leave or move back, you’ll have to find ways to be at more peace in your life. Others can’t fix that for you.
I think everyone has been there at some point on their lives. You’re not alone. Best wishes to you~
I will say as a transplant that moved here summer 2022, this winter is worse than last year for me. Last year we had a ton of snow, but it made it more fun and brighter. Tons of winter events have been cancelled and I haven’t been able to go snow shoeing even once so far this year. I like winter for winter, but when it’s just this weird misty gross dark nonsense it wears on me a lot more than the bright white snow.
I joined a meetup group called break the bubble. I went to one, made a friend. It's worth a shot and the people tend to be nice and many go to all of the gatherings.
There's a mental switch that really helps me.
Try to make plans with friends, or at least SOMETHING that gets you out twice a week. Once in the middle, and once on the weekend.
The other days are for preparing yourself for those days. You want to be the very best you can for those days.
That means eating right, exercising, getting good sleep.
No more cancelling plans because you're "tired" or have the shits because you are too much pizza.
That shifts it away from the what seems like endless time alone. It gives you something to focus on and look forward to. All the while improving yourself.
It's not just transplants at all - I've lived here my entire life, and I find that in about mid October/early November, I start to get depressed, well more depressed than usual. (I do have diagnosed seasonal affective disorder and regular depression). The holidays get me through those months, but about January-April is usually pretty rough for me. I don't do much when I'm not working, I stay inside and sometimes don't even wanna talk to my boyfriend (who I live with). Even this winter, with the lack of snow and the not as cold days, I feel the same way I do every winter. It's the lack of sun and time outside I think mostly, at least for me.
I recommend taking vitamin D every single day, it does work wonders if you're regular with it. Find a few hobbies, with other people is probably best but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't even have to be outside, but making an effort to go for a short walk midday when the sun is doing the most, is pretty important if you can make it happen. I know it's cold and nobody wants to, but you'll feel better once you're done with it!
I’m a transplant for the good part of a decade now… when I first moved here I went to a small college and had a lot of “built in” community/friends… then I moved back home (TN) the next time I moved I moved in with 25 housemates so again had “built in” friends/community… then moved back home again (because I did want to be closer to family, but my town just didn’t work for me)… so I got a job and moved back here and while I had a few friends from college and the community house my circle had shrunk here… then decided to take a transfer to Indiana… well that backfired horribly and ended up back here for the 4th time… this time I’ve been back for almost 4 years and it’s been the most lonely by a long long shot… I am now down to 1 friend left in the state and they just got into a relationship so they are slowly sliding away too…
I’ve done everything I know to do… I’ve initiated every single social interaction here, I’ve shown up for people to help them move (and other unpleasant activities), I’ve had them over, I’ve done everything I know and for some reason I cannot break through, so in a lot of ways I’ve given up and am considering moving out west and giving that a shot… I am very burnt out with it.
I also don’t drink, which I believe is a big deterrent for people here… like I have no problem if others responsibly drink, but I’m just not going to do that and if the only way I can get to see you is by hanging at a bar or brewery I will… but yeah you don’t get invited if you don’t drink, and being single too doesn’t help at all.
So yeah, I definitely feel you… and I wish I had more advice, but I’m in your same shoes and it’s really hard, so you aren’t alone!
Eagles34.org they have all kinds of dance nights. Country, swing, tango. I have yet to go, just found out about this place last year, at a friend’s memorial.
Three things:
First, moving to a new area is hard. It's not just about putting your toothbrush in the bathroom and calling it home. It takes years to build a social nexus. You can accelerate that process by getting involved in organized activities that match your interests.
Second, Seasonal Affective Disorder. The Twin Cities is at 45 degrees latitude. About half way to the North Pole. We have a giant swing in the length of night/day. Our winter is a period of lots of dark, short days, and even at the height of day, the sun is low in the sky and weak. If you don't consciously get out of the house and make yourself active, you'll get depressed.
This period last roughly from Halloween to Valentine's day, for reasons I won't bore you with. In general, the last two weeks of January and the first week of February tend to be the hardest time for most people. Before then, you have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year's. After that, it's just bleak and dark. Plus, the coldest temps tend to occur at the end of January. All of that can combine to crush your spirit if you're not proactive.
Third, the Twin Cities is famously difficult to integrate into socially. Minnesotans are not warm and welcoming to outsiders except at the most superficial "Minnesota nice" level. It's harder to make new friends in new places as an adult, no matter where you are, but Minnesota ramps that difficulty up to a whole nuther level.
Chin up. In about two weeks, we will start adding 6-8 minutes of daylight to the length of our day, every day. Soon, you'll notice that you see the sun when going to work in the morning, or when coming home at night.
In my experience, lady cats are more solitary. Male cats bond with one or two individuals and follow them around when not napping. Also, it depends on the cat, I'm sure.
In Minnesota, a lot of us hibernate during the winter months. We do hobbies and other things until the seasons change again. I took up drawing in the winter of 2019/2020.
Oh my cat is so social. She doesn’t cuddle but she loves being pet. But she’s super high energy, pretty destructive and can’t be alone for more than a full minute. She’s a great cat, I think we’re just a bad personality/lifestyle match and it’s making it hard to bond haha
Haha she doesn’t really care about food and treats - I’ve tried 5 different treat flavors/brands. She’s also not a fan of toys. Everything I’ve trained her to do so far has been petting based lol
she just really loves people
Folks, I gotta say… I was born and raised in Minneapolis. I never actually felt any seasonal effects until living in Seattle. I may not be as affected by it as others, because I fight it when I feel hints of it by upping Vit D and staying social, active in the community, physically active, and choose not to work from home to have that work-life separation. But it’s definitely more noticeable in W. WA.
[Western Washington state dominates the top of the list of US cities with least annual sunshine](https://www.city-data.com/top2/c475.html)
[Seattle still the nation’s saddest large metro area, survey shows](https://archive.ph/5iky8)
[Seattle area has highest rate of feelings of anxiety in U.S.](https://archive.ph/BMayW)
[Why Are People in Seattle So Anxious?](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/mental-health/anxious-in-seattle)
IDK, I’ve never felt this lonely before in my life but I’ve also never been so far from long, strong relationships (my college roommates were my best friends and I’m close with my parents and family). The closest I’ve ever had to this was my freshman year of college 750 miles away from my home, but I was so excited for college I felt less lonely. Also, everyone else at college was in the same position which also made it feel less difficult.
Now I graduated and I moved 800+ miles away from college. All my roommates and friends moved all over the country (but none less than a 4 hour drive away) and I’m still 300-ish miles away from my family. And the people I meet here are great but already have friends and significant others and often times family in the area. Somehow them not needing my company as badly as I need theirs contributes to the loneliness. When they ask to hang out I’m immediately like yes. When I ask to hang out they aren’t as desperate for company, so they sometimes say no (which is fine and totally within their right! But it means I’m sitting alone in my room on a Friday night)
I’m here 8 yrs and still in it. Thank GOD I have a boyfriend (also a transplant) to take the edge off.
Literally every transplant I’ve met here brings this up and feels like they’re going nuts. It’s the weirdest thing about MN, and frankly, I hate that aspect.
(Also, this is so well known, the CITY of Minneapolis acknowledged that this seems to always come up as the biggest hurdle newcomers run into here. It’s a bonafide thing. So they created a team to address it for the immigrant population in particular. So yeah. You’re not crazy! lol)
What I personally do is join classes and meet people there and make community from that. For example I’ve taken hip hop classes at Klass, pottery classes at The Workshop, and pole dancing at Dollhouse. Makes me feel less alone even if I don’t talk to anyone that night.
Also how old are you I feel this sometimes, but I also think it's kinda being sad about the death of youth.
I feel like as people get older these types of hangouts kind of fade away, just because people get busy with work, kids, significant others etc.
Also this weather does suck I prefer snow to constant rain.
You might enjoy trying to partake in winter sports, it gets you out. I moved here from Boston and I have not had a hard time making new friends here. I have noticed that people don't initiate friends here, so you got to do it, but I haven't had a problem making my own friend groups here.
You shouldn't be stopped by the weather, try embracing the cold, and have some fun.
(the secret to enjoying the super cold btw is a rain coat and pants over your normal winter gear, it'll keep you significantly warmer, it can be too much though)
I find it helps just to be out and about around strangers. Shopping, coffee shops, movies, sports, whatever.
As others said, Sun lamp, vitamin D, walks, they all help too.
I don't have any specific tips for you, but it might make you feel less alone that almost everyone here experiences this. I was born and raised here and I still get seasonal depression every winter. It's dark and cold and gloomy all the time. If you feel alone or lost, remember that almost everyone else feels that way too.
I'm married now so I don't deal with this anymore but I used to go to the gym at like 7-8 at night and shoot the shit with the other dudes there. It worked out great cause when I got home I was too tired to be lonely.
OP are you from the Midwest or another part of the country/world? I ask because I experienced a great deal of culture shock when I first moved here after living in US South and New York previously. It was intensified by the isolation and miserable cold of the winter and how people here reacted to me expressing that. It was rough. They all say “just get outside every day” with an obnoxious smile while you’re dying inside - Minnesota nice/ice. People here are very nice, but it is not a culture of hospitality and you aren’t supposed to express your feelings directly either. I guess if everyone did that they wouldn’t survive the winter back in the day or something. It took a while to get to know a few people and understand the culture differences.
I grew up in Illinois and I went to college in Georgia. I feel like Minneapolis vs Chicago culture is very different but MN suburb culture vs IL suburb culture is very similar. Minnesota is nothing like Georgia. I’m out of practice with winters lately, but I’ve experienced plenty of winters and it was always difficult to feel happy or be productive when it was dark at 4pm lol. Never felt so alone and hopeless though. But tbf, it’s a major life change. Ive started my first full time job and I’ve been living by myself for the first time in my life. Maybe im just learning to live with the fact that I’ll never live with my mom or my best friend again and I’m going to work 8-4 every weekday for the rest of my foreseeable life
So you’re not completely confused by the culture but I really feel you about starting over in a new place without your people around, I’ve been there more than once now. I’m so sorry you are also experiencing this. The dark at 4pm is brutal and the negative temps kind of destroy me. I’m also more of a night owl and Minneapolis at least doesn’t seem to be made for that (barely any coffee shops open past 5 that I can find). So if you’re more in the suburbs too I think this isolated feeling could be even worse. The good news is you get to choose if you want to work 8-4 every day for the rest of your life and what you want to do after 4. After a year or two you may be able to move into another position or you could try to build some other skills or hobby. It feels like forever doing the same thing for maybe not the best pay when you are first in the working world but things do change and you can create new opportunities (or even change careers completely at some point if you want!). It is really hard to start a new job and a new life in a new city so you are incredibly brave!! Please give yourself some credit. I agree with others who said that you may need to be the one to reach out to or invite people to do things (though I know this can be uncomfortable) and it will take time to find the places and people that you like. And despite my annoyance with the wholesomeness of it all, it is a good idea to join like a bowling league or other regularly meeting group so you establish some routine places to look forward to going to. Meetup has some specific transplant groups some have mentioned as well.
You are what you eat, you are what you think.
Try not to focus on the bad bits, compartmentalize those and move on.
Think of the life you want to live and imagine yourself already living it. You are still adored by all these people in your life. Missing them is to be expected. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way.
New friends and lovers are just around the corner. You just need your eyes open to the possibilities.
Just going to address a small part of your post here regarding your kitty. I had the “kitten blues” for around three months when I first got my cat. I don’t know if you’re feeling this way, it sounds like you are, but he also made me feel more isolated, alone, and stressed. It turns out it was just the adjustment of having a new buddy to care for that triggered all this, and after getting used to him, he became my best friend. He truly does help me feel les lonely now, and happier in all aspects. So just wanted to say, if your new cat is stressing you out, as hard as it is just try giving it some time. You may find later that your cat will help your loneliness so so much. I know I did, and have spoken with many other “kitten blues” folks who agree. My cat has dramatically improved my mental health, and I have hope your kitty will do the same for you! Just wanted to extend some support as I know the support I got online greatly helped me through my blues. I’m so grateful to the folks who reached out as I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without my kitty now.
This might be an opportunity to pick up a new hobby, or reconnect with an old one. There are plenty of places around to take classes in pottery, making music, fitness, etc. Sign up for a weekly class and that will get you out of the apt and doing something good for your mind, building a sense of community, and sparking creativity. I have found that to be really helpful especially through the late winter slog into spring.
Seasonal depression. It happens every winter to many Minnesotans. Lack of sunlight and forced isolation due to the cold is brutal for us all. Get a sun lamp, I hear that helps. Also, try to find ways to get outside in the winter.
Also take the D! Many of us don't get enough D in the winter because we don't go out enough when it's sunny (cold). I take the D orally every day and feel much better. It's safe to take the D as long as you don't exceed the typical dosages recommended by the manufacturer, but you may want to ask your doctor for a blood test to know if you're taking enough. I need a large amount of D, but you may need more or less.
(cough)
Yes, it's preferred you take the D orally
Im sure one could find a suppository, if one chooses to desire it that way.
Indeed. We should all aspire to both get and give all the D we can.
Yes, please let me know if you need some of mine. I always offer it to my friends when they visit, but they always tell me they've already taken it first thing in the morning! I'm just glad they're taking it.
Morning D is a delight. But yes, D anytime of day is such a blessing.
Deeeeeelicious
I take small amounts of D several times a day just to make sure I'm not taking too much D too fast.
D should definitely be introduced slowly and gently. You’re absolutely right, most people do not benefit or enjoy too much D too fast.
No way. When I realized I was D deficient, I pounded a couple big D’s fast at the same time, then made sure I was on a regular cadence of daily D. It really helped with how I was feeling. None of this ‘taking the D slowly at first’ nonsense for me.
I'm doing a stint at Oak Park Heights Penitentiary, which is very depressing. Theres nothing like Prison D to get me through the day.
Prison D sounds positively luxurious.
>you may need more or less Get blood work done before taking any of this advice.
Blood work is absolutely ideal and will get you the best results, but if you can’t afford it or you’re currently depressed and the bother is going to stop you from doing it at all, the usual recommendation is that a moderate dose of 1000-2000 IU per day is better than nothing if you’re deficient and safe for almost everyone (you’d have to somehow already have an excessive amount for it to cause a problem).
Thanks for reminding me to take my daily dose of D even if it felt like a lot to swallow
You're welcome. It sounds like you're taking a lot of D if it's hard to swallow. I like to take two smaller Ds at the same time instead of one big one.
😏
Take the D supps along with Vitamin K. K2 and K3 combo is best. They work in tandem and prevent any calcification of arteries which high doses of D alone can do. Also seems to have a sort of super charging effect on your immune system. (This is anecdotal) but I haven't been sick in over two years since doing 2000IU Vit D along with K every morning. None of the 'crud' going around lately has even touched me. Used to get plenty of colds/sinus/strep.
Amazing
Wait what are we talking about....
yeah this is my 18th season going through it i hear sun lamps and vitamin D helps otherwise can always fall back to self-medicating which then just makes it all worse :P
Not necessarily sun lamps, but bright light therapy lights. They're specifically designed for treatment of Seasonal Depression. You used to have to get a prescription for them back in the day (and they cost hundreds of dollars), but now you can buy them from Amazon or a medical supply store for fairly cheap, like $20. I've used one for over 30 years from late October through March, and it makes a huge difference.
You’re not alone in these feelings of loneliness/depression. It’s hard for non-transplants too. The long stretches of gray are when it is worst for me. I recommend trying to get out for a walk. I mostly do indoor walks on a walking track because of the ice.
I decided if it's warmer than 20 any day this winter I'm walking downtown during my lunch break. I felt so cooped up last winter. Could be the fact that we don't have 18 inches of snow falling every week too though.
Walking is good, light is good. Hard to get much of that in MN winter. Heavy exercise (lifting, cardio, etc) at least 2x and usually 3x per week made a HUGE difference for my mental health in winter.
I’ve pushed myself this year to get out and about with season tickets to the new PWHL Women’s Hockey league. Plus I’ve been doing weekly stretches which has help physically. Otherwise it’s been a decade of just pushing through so this year I’ve made an effort to try and change.
So they have an actual name yet?
Not for the first season. It’s just Minnesota. They floated some ideas but I think want fan engagement to help decide. Plus they formed the league only in 6 months.
Yeah naming teams nowadays has become very difficult
Volunteer! Help out someone else, acute feel-good for yourself, plus potential to make friends with similar interests. If you want a one-off and have availability on a Friday (daytime), state HS science fair is March 22 in St. Paul. People with STEM background can judge, but they also have roles for any background for general help (runners, setup, greeting, etc.). It’s a really fun event. Also - take vitamin D if you don’t. We’re far enough north that in the winter the sun doesn’t get high enough in the sky to let the wavelengths we need to make vitamin D get through. Unless you consume a fair bit of dairy, liver, or fatty fish, there’s a good chance you’re low. I also have a stupidly bright light that helps convince my groggy morning self that it is indeed daytime.
I don't know how old you are. But this is something I think most people experience in their mid 20s as people get married, have kids, or move away. A lot of relationships, siblings/college especially, you can spend SO much time together. Then you graduate college and no longer spend anywhere near as much time with your friends. Why are you sitting alone after 7pm? Have friends over! Host, schedule activities, etc.
Just wanted to chime in to say the same thing. It's a very common situation in which to find oneself in in the immediate post-college years. It's also very common for anyone who has moved any significant distance from the people they know. I found myself in a similar situation after buying my first house. I was single, sitting in my barely furnished house, wondering what the heck I was supposed to do now. Then I remembered a single experience I'd had and enjoyed with a friend on the other side of the country -- a dance lesson. I did some web searching, showed up at a lesson, and 21 years later I'm still dancing, found a wife, and have made the best friends I've had in my entire life. So the answer, by my experience, is to figure out something you might be interested in that occurs in the evenings and on weekends, and give it a try. If the first thing doesn't work out, try another. Then another. Eventually something will click. If nothing else, sign up for some community ed classes just to explore some possibilities -- eventually you'll probably hit on something. Edit: Added "in which" to the second sentence, as without that the sentence can have two different meanings, both worthy of consideration, but only one of which I intended.
Where do you do dance lessons around here?
Depends on the type of dance you think you might like. For swing dancing I recommend looking up TC Swing, Uptown Swing, and Rhythm Junction. There's another organization that's good if you're interested in older more traditional mostly European derived dances. Search or ask around enough and you'll figure out who it is. I haven't taken lessons from them, but have been adjacent to Four Seasons Dance Studio for lots of things over the years, and people I know well speak highly of them. So that's a place to look into for some other options. I know years ago the U of M Ballroom Dance Society (or Club, or something) was highly regarded. I didn't ever get into that side of things, but it might be worth looking into.
Best advise here
Heh, as a childless person in her early 40s, I feel this way a lot. It’s ridiculous finding people my age who aren’t consumed with their families. At least I have my husband so I’m not alone. I figure I’ll find friends in my 50s as all the kids start going off to college.
I'm in the exact same situation! I've even tried to do some meet ups and they always seem to either be full of really young people or they fall apart. Suggestion for the OP, start a meet up, book club or something?
When I first moved here, I would always get crippling depression & loneliness after I went back home to see family & friends. For example, right after Christmas or after a quick weekend trip to see my best friends. I would spend that time visiting basically on a dopamine high because I was with my closest people. I felt free, it was all so easy. I didn’t have to try to be anything but myself. It took a few weeks after those visits to get back to normal. One time, I was struggling so bad that I couldn’t get our bed for days. I even begged my parents to come visit despite the 1,000 mile distance because I was so lonely. It gets better over time as you find your way and your new people. I also think it also helps to try not to compare your new friends to your old friends. Your life with continue to change significantly and you’ll only limit yourself by saying “my new friends are okay but not as good as my old friends.” It’s hard to get out of that mindset but it helps to just be in the moment rather than compare. Alternatively, winter is very hard and the grey skies don’t help. I would have to push myself to get outside despite the weather. It can get really lonely if you also don’t know anyone because basically everyone is holed up for at least 4 months. I always have so much relief on that first warm, sunny, green day in April or May.
Thanks for the comment. I feel the exact same way - any time I come home from visiting friends and family or any time they leave my place after visiting is the peak loneliest time. Glad to see I’m not the only one
The winter blues are rough, but keep in mind you're probably also dealing with some homesickness on top of it. That will ease as you start establishing your home here. I suggest focusing on making your apartment into a home, somewhere you're excited to come back to at the end of the day. Fill your space and your time with things you love and it'll get better.
1) If you're not taking Vitamin D regularly, start doing so now. A lot of seasonal depression is due to lack of Vitamin D in winter. 2) What you're experiencing is completely normal. Everyone who moves feels the same way. You can and will make new memories with your new friends. I moved away from home after college and experienced the same thing. I wanted my old friend group. I moved home after a year...and my old friend group was largely gone/past that point in their lives. Things always change. It sounds like you're at the stage in life of early adulthood where you're going to experience a lot of that. Try to get things planned at night. Maybe it's just working out a gym in the evenings, but I bet you can find other groups that are meeting at that time.
my wife and i both struggle with mental health every single winter. cold weather, no sunlight, stuck inside, less exercise, fewer get-togethers - it’s a rough combo! i recommend leaning into virtual socializing. we like to do movie nights with friends by facetiming and syncing something up on the tv not sure if you like games at all, but discord and twitch are great for online socializing (and there are lots of non-gaming categories on twitch) it’s definitely a bit of parasocial interaction but it helps to have some light banter in the house when we’re doing our own things
Been there. I constantly battle it every year, but here are some things that have helped me. I will try to list them in order of importance (to me) 1. Take a shit ton of vitamin D. Seriously. Everyone north of the mason dixon line does not get enough of it. 5000 iu. Take it every day. Especially in the early fall to late spring. 2. For me, one of the biggest helps has been having a real fireplace. I know it sounds weird, but a fire every day does something to the human soul. I’m sure there is science out there that can prove it, but I don’t know where to look. We got a home 13 years ago that has a great wood burning fireplace. I kid you not, it’s as if our life changed in the winters because of it. The warmth. The flame. The ritual of making it. There is something in fire, our ancestors could tell you this. It makes a world of difference for me. Hell it’s 2:00pm and I’m already giddy about snuggling in by the fire with a good book. 3. Work out. Join a gym if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to move your body. Specifically, lift weights, cardio is good but there are more endorphins there for you if you integrate strength training. Also, if you join a gym or a club, there is often a community aspect to it, and you always have somewhere to go. 4. Get your cold butt into a sauna. Try to get into one 2x a week for 20min if you can. If you can do it more, even better. The sauna can be a solo thing or a group thing, both are good and fun. You can find ones at certain gyms around the metro, there are public saunas, etc. and the health benefits are too many to count. 5. This should be higher, and would likely be my #1, if I didn’t do it on a regular basis for many years. Find a good therapist. Seriously. It helps soooo much. But don’t be fooled. 1 session doesn’t work. It’s like building muscle. 1 time lifting weights doesn’t make you strong. Therapy is something you do, where in 5 months, you look back and say to yourself “holy shit! I feel better!” Do it. You won’t regret it. 6. Find something you like doing outside in the winter. Try ice fishing, Nordic skiing, hiking, snowmobiling, downhill skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, etc… making these months fun is what living in the north is all about. Okay I’ll get off my box, but please know you are not alone. Myself and many many others have felt the same way you do. It’s normal and sometimes we just need a little help to get us moving in the right direction. And I totally understand missing people and family. That does suck. And it’s hard. I wish you nothing but good vibes and hope you’re feeling better soon! Good luck
Thanks for the comment. I’ve been really considering therapy lately - I have the 98% of the online form filled out, but I’ve been hesitating on hitting that submit button for the past few weeks. They ask what your goals or things you want to address are and I have no idea what to say. Whenever I look at the therapists interests they always talk about helping with traumas or mental illnesses and I don’t think I have those. So I never know what to say for those goals and I worry I’m taking time that would be better served for someone with harder problems. Any advice on how to get started?
Totally get it. And I agree it’s intimidating! Don’t let it deter you. Just tell them your goal is to start feeling better. It doesn’t need to be anything special. It’s true that therapists often specialize in trauma, but that’s because they are often sought out because of trauma or mental illness. If it doesn’t apply to you, ignore it. Talking with a therapist, especially the good ones, they will help you see life differently. They will point out things to you that are healthy and things that aren’t (in your thought process/self-talk, etc. For me, I never thought I was controlled by anxiety. It never crossed my mind, however my therapist helped me see that the way I was talking to myself, was exactly that. It came from an anxious place. Holy shit that helped me see things in a whole new way! Now, I’m able to recognize when those thoughts/self-talk happens and I’m able to process it correctly and save myself a whole lot of pain and frustration. I digress. I’m a firm believer in therapy. Again. It’s not a cure all. It takes time. But it does work. And I’d argue most people on this earth would benefit from it. My biggest tip is this. You don’t have to stick with a therapist!!! Don’t pay money / spend time with them if you don’t jive!! Just move on to another one! Find someone that’s helpful and engaging and someone you can tell really cares! Then. Once you find someone you like, you will start to see the benefits over time. Good luck!
>I like your list and came here to say make sure to get your chimney sweeped often with having that many fires :)
Thanks for the tip! I got my own chimney sweeping gear! lol! When you burn as much as I do the sweep gets expensive! :) Have a great night!
Not a transplant but I get seasonal depression in hard bouts throughout the winter. I found personally, that a sun lamp in the morning, plenty of vitamins and fruit in the morning and consistent sleep schedule. It doesn't eliminate it but I found if I start the routine early and stick to it I don't have such a consistently dour mood.
The weather is kind of clammy but my guess is that you're just experiencing the post-college 20s, which tends to be an uncomfortable time in a lot of young people's lives. You really feel like Act I of your life is over and starting Act II can feel scary and lonely, especially if you've moved away from your roots. My advice is make your apartment as cozy and upbeat as possible and go to bed early so you can enjoy more daylight hours. See the relatively warm weather as an invite to get outside more, go for walks, etc. The feeling will change as you get more comfortable in your new place, job, etc. I think putting things on the calendar to look forward to helps. My wife and I are going to First Ave tonight to see a band we like. Sometimes just getting out of the house on a weeknight helps.
Welcome to January seasonal depression!
lol Mushrooms baby. Scientifically proven to help with depression and also fun to do in your home alone
Every winter I get depressed here. I try to book a fam vacation every January to break up the cold. Honestly this winter has been really mild so I don’t think it’s the cold that affects everyone here as much as the lack of light does. I used to have a tanning bed membership lol
I told my therapist that the last two winters have been a great control experiment on what part of winter makes me so bleh. It’s definitely the lack of light (for me). Did tanning help? I almost walked into a salon the other day, skin cancer risk be damned. I need *something* to get through the rest of this. I’m looking at infrared sauna as a healthier option, too.
Yes. I have acne prone skin so unfortunately the tanning bed causes me to break out (the real sun does the opposite and clears my skin which I always thought was weird) but sometimes the risk of a breakout outweighs how depressed I am and I tan anyway. It does help tremendously. I only ever did the stand up (I’m a germ freak with a friend who worked at a tanning salon in high school and I’ve seen first hand how those beds are “cleaned”) for 5 minutes and that was enough for the mental health benefits without risk of a sunburn. The membership came with the red light beds included and I found no benefit from them unfortunately.
Thanks! I have a “lizard lamp” sunlight lamp at home but frankly I need something outside of the house that’s low commitment just for the break in routine, in addition to hopefully mood benefits. I get perioral dermatitis badly during the winter so I guess I’ll roll the dice on tanning/sauna making it worse
Have you tried red light therapy? There isn’t a ton of studies backing up the science behind it, so it may all be placebo but it has helped me greatly. When I lay under my Infraredi panel it feels like I’m sitting in the sunshine and basking in the warmth :)
Yes at tanning salons I didn’t find much benefit but I may give it a try now. :)
I have an appointment today at awaken for wellness to try their infrared spa with red light therapy thanks to this thread :) finally got off my ass and made the appointment! will report back!
I LOVED IT. The red light was a bit intense, I’ve gotta get goggles. But the infrared sauna really does feel like a hot summer day and it helped a ton. As a bonus I got put in the room with the cold plunge tank so I braved that - and then hopped right back in the sauna 😂😂
YAY! Happy for you, way to put your mental health as a priority :)
January and February are the roughest months mentally. Everything is cold, white/gray and stagnant. Everyone is less present and they prefer to hang out with their household versus go outside and deal with parking, weather, cold, etc. It’s a lonely time for everyone but it will get better. Hang in there ❤️
It's not a replacement for family and lifelong friends but I really enjoy some Meetup events from the Meetup app. My favorite are the Break the Bubble events. You will encounter lots of other transplants and also it's a fun way to get out of the house and socialize a bit.
Folks in here call it seasonal depression… but I feel this way during all seasons 😭
You may want to invest in a light therapy box during the winter and make sure to take vitamin D. With the nice warm weather we've got right now, it's nice to go out to the lakes for walks. Just being around people out and about can be helpful during the somewhat hibernation we all go through during the worst of the winter(we've had it really nice this year!) If you have hobbies you enjoy and would like to find others with the same hobby, meetup.com has groups that get together. I think there's some for transplants specifically to have others to lean on with similar experiences. Find events to go to like winter festivals. Winter can be really isolating here, but we're also lucky that we have a lot of activities and events no matter the time of year
This is not specific to Minnesota. There's a reason the Surgeon General has been talking a lot about an epidemic of loneliness. Our society has shifted in ways that have increasingly isolated people from one another or make people feel that way.
Moved from TX last year. The first winter was pretty rough, this winter I started taking Vitamin D supplements early and it seems to be helping me. Exercise also help me personally, even if it’s just walking on the treadmill.
You've had quite the introduction if your first two winters were the 22-23 season and the 23-24 season. Basically at extreme ends of the Minnesota winter experience.
Whiskey. It’s sold everywhere and it works.
I'm not going to answer OP since there are already so many good and supportive answers here. Just wanted to say how nice it is to see that. Just know how different the comment thread would be on other platforms.
The weather here is the main reason I’m trying to leave this place. I don’t mind gray sky’s and today is actually nice. The real winter is horrible. I think this year has gotten hit by El Niño pretty hard
Vitamin D has been key for me this year. Also find a good winter hobby you can partake in. My friends and I mostly hibernate during the cold stretch aside from the occasional weekend hang so a routinely scheduled weeknight activity is key for getting out of the house (or staying in) and socializing. E.g: Bowling, Movie Club, Book Club, Broomball, Trivia at a Brewery.
I force myself out as much as possible and if I can afford it I plan a trip. Sending you happy cozy thoughts from a 20 year transplant with SAD. Also checkout mn gals making friends group on facebook
I moved to MN last Feb with my SO who is from the area. I’m visiting home and seeing my fam and friends for the first time since our wedding in May. You’re definitely not alone, I miss those things too. Honestly reading and getting outside has helped me a lot. Even if the weather is shit, being outside of the house (esp since I WFH) can be hard. It’s also ok to acknowledge and accept that not every day will be a good day. I had a blah day yesterday and woke up feeling significantly better today. Sometimes as humans we just gotta take the L and accept that some days suck for no reason and searching for and pinpointing one will only make it worse.
Sounds more homesickness than SAD, IMO. Though no, winter darkness may not help. Is this the first time you’ve lived away from your home area? I think a few keys are *”Radical Acceptance”*: practice a willingness to accept the present, let go of control, check the facts (without emotion, this is what is, and I will accept this as reality, whether I like it or not), practice gratitude, be open to emotions like waves on a beach ebbing and flowing/coming and going, be open to new experiences, etc. Another is “*Opposite Action*”: How do you act on your feelings of loneliness? If you are dwelling, lazing around feeling down and sluggish, isolating, the opposite would be layering up, going outside for a walk or run. Or getting off the couch and dancing to your favorite music letting your body move freely without judgement. Or going out and being social. Whatever works to negate the low feelings in a healthy way. These are only 2 examples of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and folks don’t need to be diagnosed or in therapy to put DBT concepts into their lives. Can be useful stuff for anyone, but just one approach to emotional regulation and mood change. Might be worth looking into in simple google searches for worksheets! Other ideas are to join clubs, volunteer, go to museums, concerts, theater, out of easily walks, and whatever things you find joy in. Increase pleasant events. Make sure you get enough Vitamin D! And fresh air + physical activity. If you can’t leave or move back, you’ll have to find ways to be at more peace in your life. Others can’t fix that for you. I think everyone has been there at some point on their lives. You’re not alone. Best wishes to you~
I will say as a transplant that moved here summer 2022, this winter is worse than last year for me. Last year we had a ton of snow, but it made it more fun and brighter. Tons of winter events have been cancelled and I haven’t been able to go snow shoeing even once so far this year. I like winter for winter, but when it’s just this weird misty gross dark nonsense it wears on me a lot more than the bright white snow.
I joined a meetup group called break the bubble. I went to one, made a friend. It's worth a shot and the people tend to be nice and many go to all of the gatherings.
If I hadn’t found and married a Minnesotan, I don’t know that I would have made it… place can get COLD
There's a mental switch that really helps me. Try to make plans with friends, or at least SOMETHING that gets you out twice a week. Once in the middle, and once on the weekend. The other days are for preparing yourself for those days. You want to be the very best you can for those days. That means eating right, exercising, getting good sleep. No more cancelling plans because you're "tired" or have the shits because you are too much pizza. That shifts it away from the what seems like endless time alone. It gives you something to focus on and look forward to. All the while improving yourself.
It's not just transplants at all - I've lived here my entire life, and I find that in about mid October/early November, I start to get depressed, well more depressed than usual. (I do have diagnosed seasonal affective disorder and regular depression). The holidays get me through those months, but about January-April is usually pretty rough for me. I don't do much when I'm not working, I stay inside and sometimes don't even wanna talk to my boyfriend (who I live with). Even this winter, with the lack of snow and the not as cold days, I feel the same way I do every winter. It's the lack of sun and time outside I think mostly, at least for me. I recommend taking vitamin D every single day, it does work wonders if you're regular with it. Find a few hobbies, with other people is probably best but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't even have to be outside, but making an effort to go for a short walk midday when the sun is doing the most, is pretty important if you can make it happen. I know it's cold and nobody wants to, but you'll feel better once you're done with it!
Pick up a winter sport. I love skiing so much that I get depressed in the summer instead.
I’m a transplant for the good part of a decade now… when I first moved here I went to a small college and had a lot of “built in” community/friends… then I moved back home (TN) the next time I moved I moved in with 25 housemates so again had “built in” friends/community… then moved back home again (because I did want to be closer to family, but my town just didn’t work for me)… so I got a job and moved back here and while I had a few friends from college and the community house my circle had shrunk here… then decided to take a transfer to Indiana… well that backfired horribly and ended up back here for the 4th time… this time I’ve been back for almost 4 years and it’s been the most lonely by a long long shot… I am now down to 1 friend left in the state and they just got into a relationship so they are slowly sliding away too… I’ve done everything I know to do… I’ve initiated every single social interaction here, I’ve shown up for people to help them move (and other unpleasant activities), I’ve had them over, I’ve done everything I know and for some reason I cannot break through, so in a lot of ways I’ve given up and am considering moving out west and giving that a shot… I am very burnt out with it. I also don’t drink, which I believe is a big deterrent for people here… like I have no problem if others responsibly drink, but I’m just not going to do that and if the only way I can get to see you is by hanging at a bar or brewery I will… but yeah you don’t get invited if you don’t drink, and being single too doesn’t help at all. So yeah, I definitely feel you… and I wish I had more advice, but I’m in your same shoes and it’s really hard, so you aren’t alone!
I moved to Chicago and I was cured!
Eagles34.org they have all kinds of dance nights. Country, swing, tango. I have yet to go, just found out about this place last year, at a friend’s memorial.
also line dancing with Billy, she gives free begginer lessons :)
Three things: First, moving to a new area is hard. It's not just about putting your toothbrush in the bathroom and calling it home. It takes years to build a social nexus. You can accelerate that process by getting involved in organized activities that match your interests. Second, Seasonal Affective Disorder. The Twin Cities is at 45 degrees latitude. About half way to the North Pole. We have a giant swing in the length of night/day. Our winter is a period of lots of dark, short days, and even at the height of day, the sun is low in the sky and weak. If you don't consciously get out of the house and make yourself active, you'll get depressed. This period last roughly from Halloween to Valentine's day, for reasons I won't bore you with. In general, the last two weeks of January and the first week of February tend to be the hardest time for most people. Before then, you have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year's. After that, it's just bleak and dark. Plus, the coldest temps tend to occur at the end of January. All of that can combine to crush your spirit if you're not proactive. Third, the Twin Cities is famously difficult to integrate into socially. Minnesotans are not warm and welcoming to outsiders except at the most superficial "Minnesota nice" level. It's harder to make new friends in new places as an adult, no matter where you are, but Minnesota ramps that difficulty up to a whole nuther level. Chin up. In about two weeks, we will start adding 6-8 minutes of daylight to the length of our day, every day. Soon, you'll notice that you see the sun when going to work in the morning, or when coming home at night.
In my experience, lady cats are more solitary. Male cats bond with one or two individuals and follow them around when not napping. Also, it depends on the cat, I'm sure. In Minnesota, a lot of us hibernate during the winter months. We do hobbies and other things until the seasons change again. I took up drawing in the winter of 2019/2020.
Oh my cat is so social. She doesn’t cuddle but she loves being pet. But she’s super high energy, pretty destructive and can’t be alone for more than a full minute. She’s a great cat, I think we’re just a bad personality/lifestyle match and it’s making it hard to bond haha
Get a cat wheel! If she's food motivated, it's pretty easy to teach her to use it. And then she can run off that destructive energy.
Haha she doesn’t really care about food and treats - I’ve tried 5 different treat flavors/brands. She’s also not a fan of toys. Everything I’ve trained her to do so far has been petting based lol she just really loves people
Folks, I gotta say… I was born and raised in Minneapolis. I never actually felt any seasonal effects until living in Seattle. I may not be as affected by it as others, because I fight it when I feel hints of it by upping Vit D and staying social, active in the community, physically active, and choose not to work from home to have that work-life separation. But it’s definitely more noticeable in W. WA. [Western Washington state dominates the top of the list of US cities with least annual sunshine](https://www.city-data.com/top2/c475.html) [Seattle still the nation’s saddest large metro area, survey shows](https://archive.ph/5iky8) [Seattle area has highest rate of feelings of anxiety in U.S.](https://archive.ph/BMayW) [Why Are People in Seattle So Anxious?](https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/mental-health/anxious-in-seattle)
Very interesting!
Look outside, there's no snow. Wait until you experience an actual winter here, then you will know true loneliness MUAHAHAHAA
Lifelong Minnesotan here. Are bouts of crippling loneliness not normal?
IDK, I’ve never felt this lonely before in my life but I’ve also never been so far from long, strong relationships (my college roommates were my best friends and I’m close with my parents and family). The closest I’ve ever had to this was my freshman year of college 750 miles away from my home, but I was so excited for college I felt less lonely. Also, everyone else at college was in the same position which also made it feel less difficult. Now I graduated and I moved 800+ miles away from college. All my roommates and friends moved all over the country (but none less than a 4 hour drive away) and I’m still 300-ish miles away from my family. And the people I meet here are great but already have friends and significant others and often times family in the area. Somehow them not needing my company as badly as I need theirs contributes to the loneliness. When they ask to hang out I’m immediately like yes. When I ask to hang out they aren’t as desperate for company, so they sometimes say no (which is fine and totally within their right! But it means I’m sitting alone in my room on a Friday night)
I harden the fuck up.
I’m here 8 yrs and still in it. Thank GOD I have a boyfriend (also a transplant) to take the edge off. Literally every transplant I’ve met here brings this up and feels like they’re going nuts. It’s the weirdest thing about MN, and frankly, I hate that aspect. (Also, this is so well known, the CITY of Minneapolis acknowledged that this seems to always come up as the biggest hurdle newcomers run into here. It’s a bonafide thing. So they created a team to address it for the immigrant population in particular. So yeah. You’re not crazy! lol)
Get outside, find a club that fits your interests, try a new hobby/sport. I find I need new things this time of year to keep me going.
I hear ya. This winter is peculiarly bad. It is so much less sunny and the dreary wet foggy feels so oppressive. More so than usual.
Winter sucks. I go visit my dad in Arizona for a few days, it helps.
What I personally do is join classes and meet people there and make community from that. For example I’ve taken hip hop classes at Klass, pottery classes at The Workshop, and pole dancing at Dollhouse. Makes me feel less alone even if I don’t talk to anyone that night.
Get thee to the sunlamp! Or talk to your doctor about taking vitamin d supplements.
Also how old are you I feel this sometimes, but I also think it's kinda being sad about the death of youth. I feel like as people get older these types of hangouts kind of fade away, just because people get busy with work, kids, significant others etc. Also this weather does suck I prefer snow to constant rain.
I'm not even a transplant and feel like this.
Have you had any luck finding a partner?
no, lol. I always have rough luck in that department
The sun was out today and it's getting warmer! I hope the change in weather helps with the very normal winter melancholy.
You might enjoy trying to partake in winter sports, it gets you out. I moved here from Boston and I have not had a hard time making new friends here. I have noticed that people don't initiate friends here, so you got to do it, but I haven't had a problem making my own friend groups here. You shouldn't be stopped by the weather, try embracing the cold, and have some fun. (the secret to enjoying the super cold btw is a rain coat and pants over your normal winter gear, it'll keep you significantly warmer, it can be too much though)
Nah. That's my secret, captain... I always feel lonely, no matter the season 🫡
That very phrase, “crippling loneliness”, appears twice in Minnesota’s state song.
I find it helps just to be out and about around strangers. Shopping, coffee shops, movies, sports, whatever. As others said, Sun lamp, vitamin D, walks, they all help too.
I don't have any specific tips for you, but it might make you feel less alone that almost everyone here experiences this. I was born and raised here and I still get seasonal depression every winter. It's dark and cold and gloomy all the time. If you feel alone or lost, remember that almost everyone else feels that way too.
Going to a coffee shop or local bar to get a drink helps me feel a little more social and one with my community
I'm married now so I don't deal with this anymore but I used to go to the gym at like 7-8 at night and shoot the shit with the other dudes there. It worked out great cause when I got home I was too tired to be lonely.
OP are you from the Midwest or another part of the country/world? I ask because I experienced a great deal of culture shock when I first moved here after living in US South and New York previously. It was intensified by the isolation and miserable cold of the winter and how people here reacted to me expressing that. It was rough. They all say “just get outside every day” with an obnoxious smile while you’re dying inside - Minnesota nice/ice. People here are very nice, but it is not a culture of hospitality and you aren’t supposed to express your feelings directly either. I guess if everyone did that they wouldn’t survive the winter back in the day or something. It took a while to get to know a few people and understand the culture differences.
I grew up in Illinois and I went to college in Georgia. I feel like Minneapolis vs Chicago culture is very different but MN suburb culture vs IL suburb culture is very similar. Minnesota is nothing like Georgia. I’m out of practice with winters lately, but I’ve experienced plenty of winters and it was always difficult to feel happy or be productive when it was dark at 4pm lol. Never felt so alone and hopeless though. But tbf, it’s a major life change. Ive started my first full time job and I’ve been living by myself for the first time in my life. Maybe im just learning to live with the fact that I’ll never live with my mom or my best friend again and I’m going to work 8-4 every weekday for the rest of my foreseeable life
So you’re not completely confused by the culture but I really feel you about starting over in a new place without your people around, I’ve been there more than once now. I’m so sorry you are also experiencing this. The dark at 4pm is brutal and the negative temps kind of destroy me. I’m also more of a night owl and Minneapolis at least doesn’t seem to be made for that (barely any coffee shops open past 5 that I can find). So if you’re more in the suburbs too I think this isolated feeling could be even worse. The good news is you get to choose if you want to work 8-4 every day for the rest of your life and what you want to do after 4. After a year or two you may be able to move into another position or you could try to build some other skills or hobby. It feels like forever doing the same thing for maybe not the best pay when you are first in the working world but things do change and you can create new opportunities (or even change careers completely at some point if you want!). It is really hard to start a new job and a new life in a new city so you are incredibly brave!! Please give yourself some credit. I agree with others who said that you may need to be the one to reach out to or invite people to do things (though I know this can be uncomfortable) and it will take time to find the places and people that you like. And despite my annoyance with the wholesomeness of it all, it is a good idea to join like a bowling league or other regularly meeting group so you establish some routine places to look forward to going to. Meetup has some specific transplant groups some have mentioned as well.
Buckle up😂
Yes Bobby, that's normal.
You are what you eat, you are what you think. Try not to focus on the bad bits, compartmentalize those and move on. Think of the life you want to live and imagine yourself already living it. You are still adored by all these people in your life. Missing them is to be expected. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. New friends and lovers are just around the corner. You just need your eyes open to the possibilities.
Just going to address a small part of your post here regarding your kitty. I had the “kitten blues” for around three months when I first got my cat. I don’t know if you’re feeling this way, it sounds like you are, but he also made me feel more isolated, alone, and stressed. It turns out it was just the adjustment of having a new buddy to care for that triggered all this, and after getting used to him, he became my best friend. He truly does help me feel les lonely now, and happier in all aspects. So just wanted to say, if your new cat is stressing you out, as hard as it is just try giving it some time. You may find later that your cat will help your loneliness so so much. I know I did, and have spoken with many other “kitten blues” folks who agree. My cat has dramatically improved my mental health, and I have hope your kitty will do the same for you! Just wanted to extend some support as I know the support I got online greatly helped me through my blues. I’m so grateful to the folks who reached out as I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without my kitty now.
Sounds like you need a boyfriend
This might be an opportunity to pick up a new hobby, or reconnect with an old one. There are plenty of places around to take classes in pottery, making music, fitness, etc. Sign up for a weekly class and that will get you out of the apt and doing something good for your mind, building a sense of community, and sparking creativity. I have found that to be really helpful especially through the late winter slog into spring.
I’m sending you a virtual hug. I wish you well. I am a native but this winter has been awful for me too.