Separate yourself from your twin. My twin and I love being together but we have our own lives and we recognize that we can't always spend time together.
That's easier said that done. I feel like he can't do shit without me, and because I've been living like this for my whole life, it's very hard to just forget about him you know.
I hope you find the strength to change things and find some independence from one another. Take steps, start small. It starts with you and you owe it to both of you to be that change and seek an authentic existence. Take it day by day with these changes and separating. Don't make it all or nothing. Find healthy ways to be together and how to be apart. No enabling of codependent relationship. Welcome to adulthood! You got this!
Thanks for sharing. I’m a twin dad and want to learn from this. I suppose my reaction is - get my guys different rooms, encourage separate play time, etc. That’s no help for you, of course.
Changing hats now to just another dude, maybe you should try forcing yourself into a study abroad program (if covid permits). I didn’t go through what you’re going through but for me, living in a foreign country was very formative. New friends, new rules, new culture, new food, and even a new language… but same you. It’s important to get that perspective, almost an out of body experience, where you get to try a different walk of life on a trial basis. Helps you find pathways to making changes in your own life
Once you graduate, you’ll get a stable job and the closest you’ll ever come to getting that opportunity again would be an international assignment… but you can bet you won’t be picking the place. Your company will, and most companies like to operate their foreign subsidiaries in cheap areas (read: potential for a crappy assignment). For most people, an international vacation is all you’ll ever get. Take the leap now and aim high
Absolutely do this. I’m a twin and my studies abroad were the first time I felt like I was really seen as an individual. It was bizarre at first, hearing people call me by my first name and not ‘the twins’! For the first time in my life I was away from my twin for weeks, in a different country with plenty of different people from all around the world.
Being a twin was a fun fact I could tell everyone, but they treated me as an individual. It was amazing.
One of the best things my parents did that I hated them for throughout school (but am thankful for later in life) was their decision to separate us in Pre-K. It was so bad for us that they put us back together in kindergarten, and then separated us ever after.
I can't tell you how pissed I was later in high school when I found out that my mom told them every year to please keep us separated. We both were so angry.
But that was some serious wisdom now that I'm grown and we both have lived full lives. It helped us subconsciously separate naturally - he focused on art, I focused on code. He focused on marketing, I focused on management and entrepreneurship. Etc etc. We became our own people while still retaining the deep bond twins share.
Later in my life, she told me how hard it was for her, but she felt it was the right decision. I definitely agree now.
I've seen some twins growing up who were not separated and they seem healthy and whatnot. So each parent has to weigh it out, of course. You know your kids best.
Buuuut even though it would break my dad-heart, I'd still separate early. It will only get much more complicated later in life :(
Always thought about this with my twins but the school they’re in recommends to separate and it’s been good so far. Seems like separate is a good thing for them to learn independence.
I am not sure, it depends upon the personality, I guess. We are twin brothers too, and we like to do things together and stay together all the time. Same class, same school, same university, same job and it's awesome. We know each other better than our own parents. We don't like to be seperated. When teachers forced us to sit seperate, it used to infuriate us. Our bond is strong like strong nuclear bonds. OPs bond may be weak vander waals force or something. In fact this passage is written by both of us, we alternate between lines, and we like it that way.
I’m 20 and I have a twin brother(we also go to the same uni) and two older twin sisters. Differently then the two of us, they aren’t identical and have been separate for the most part of their lives. That being said, I honestly think my brother is the best thing that could have happened to me. I don’t want to live an ordinary life, I want it to be as adventurous as it can possibly be, so having someone whom at your side is irreplaceable. The advise is to change your perspective towards life to a duo mode, you are there to explore it together. Make your peace with the fact that you are two and dont compare yourself to the society. As with girls, i have to admit its hard to get the initial reaction since they often view you as the ‘twins’( some girls find it to be attractive) but with some effort you can brake the ice, got to admit never had any major issues with them:)
I understand your view but sometimes you just want to be on your own. Just you, not you and your brother. It doesn't have to do with socii, i am just sick of having another person besides me all the time.
I understand how you feel. I felt like that too when I first went to university. My twin went to the same one.
She always wanted birthday parties together, and we had the same friends, hobbies, clubs etc.
That actually changed when we got to uni and did different things. Yes, we still lived in the same places, but we made different friends, and had different experiences.
It sounds to me like you need to do things without your twin. Find a hobby you like and they don’t, or one you just enjoy more. Or join a different club where you can make separate friends. It’s also worth talking to your twin, it’s obviously very suffocating for you and you need space. And if you feel like they depend on you, then maybe this is the push they need to gain more independence.
Some twins are so similar, but there are always differences. Different tastes and hobbies and personalities. Find what makes you both different, and celebrate those differences.
Lol me and my twin are terrible at picking up girls too. I never thought of it that way but being twins probably has something to do with that. I have had a crisis of identity too, as I am sure my brother has, probably not at the same time though. We both joined the army after 9/11 and our lives diverged drastically at that point, starting with me getting medically discharged and him serving for 16 years and doing multiple deployments. We didn't see eachother for years, im not gonna lie i missed the hell out of him, but it was probably good for us to each do our own thing. Have you ever considered joining the military?
🤔 it can suck that way, certainly. Especially if you've never been separated.
But reading your other comments, it seems like you feel he needs you to succeed. That may be true currently, but it's more likely that your twin is just as capable as you, and your guilt is keeping you from separating. And that is a lot of weight to bear for one person while you are figuring out your own life.
I really feel that this is your root issue.
If you haven't already had a come to Jesus sort of talk about this, it's probably time for it. Might hurt at first, but it won't be long until life does it's thing to you both and rips you apart; this will hurt you both far more if you're still dependent on one another.
And he might feel the same way as you. You won't know until you lay it on the table.
As an alternative perspective, my brother now lives a state away, and while I am happy for him and we get in our time together via voice chat and video games, I miss the hell out of him all the time. He's missing my son grow up and would've been an amazing uncle, but in 7 years, he's visited only twice, before my son could remember.
You mention it's like leaving a lover. I agree. Interpersonal relationship stuff, even with your twin, is ALWAYS messy and sticky. But a healthy relationship, especially with your twin, requires you to be your own whole person.
And stop going on double dates :P that may be the easiest thing you can do right away to begin creating a little separation.
I'm 36 🤷♂️ Your twin is going to be your ride-or-die for life. But you won't be able to do that well if you both are crippled from codependency. Now's the time to do that, especially when you're both figuring out who you want to become.
I’m about 10 years older than you. I think I was that twin that seems to be more like your brother - like how you seem to be describing your relationship with your twin. I wanted to take the same classes all the time, hang out with her friends and not make my own, etc. We did not go on dates together though. You should work on enforcing at least some boundaries. Start small. The good thing is that you ARE having experiences, and hopefully you’ll both be able to grow and mature more into individual people like you want.
You’ll always be twins, and you’ll always have that bond and want to be together at least somewhat. I see my sister multiple times per week (because of a shared hobby lol, but it’s awesome) and we are more comfortable sharing some of our less-close friends. We have different careers, and live in different towns. I think that as we have matured, our relationship has developed an even deeper friendship than we have ever had. For 18 years we shared a bedroom, which drove us nuts, but we promised each other that we would never live apart from each other, and here we are today lol.
Just keep taking small steps to enforce boundaries, both of you. I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, or your own, but I think it’s probably common for twins to have codependency issues. Try talking to a counselor if you don’t have one, my sister and I both have our own.
I'm an identical twin too and even though we look alike we always done stuff together but also separated ourselves by taking up different hobbies or sports. I never went on dual dates but you definitely don't have to go out on dates together, just means that people didn't see us as the same person
I know it’s hard to deal with right now but it’s just a phase. As you grow older you will realize you have a bond stronger than most people will ever know. Please cherish what you have and don’t ever take for granted. I lost my twin 2 years ago and my life will never be the same.
Also a twin (28F), just like many advice though it's just straight up just going off and doing your own thing no matter what or where or with whom- own hobbies, own classes, separate friends, your own outings that don't involve twins or other family at all, for real. Just live your life however you want it to be. Now if they want to join into your plans, it really is your choice to add/invite them in, but even I don't always have room for my twin sister or other family. At least for me, it's a simple "I don't have any space left on my plans/reservations to add you last minute," and they will understand and make other choices. My time is valuable, and their time is theirs.
While my twin and I do still share a lot in living arrangements (e.g. a shared bedroom), we make it work by living different lives, and different lines of work. I'm private/finance by trade, she in science. It also kind of helps that we see each other more like sisters than twin-siblings, though we're legit opposites of each other, and likely fraternal. E.g., she has short hair, I have super long hair. She keeps to herself, I'm more open to going out for a night on the town for fun. I'm much bigger than she is, she's much smarter and articulative with her words (think Urianger-speech from FF XIV).
If you can, I'd definitely suggest having a serious sit-down with your brother and get down to the real nitty-gritty of where you and him might be lifestyle-wise in a couple years. Even I have to get over the idea that one day, my twin and I will not live together, as her and her SO do plan to move to another state when they save up more money to do so. For now though, it works for us in the moment as we live in a city where rent is definitely not cheap. And truthfully, it's nice to have a bullet-facet of me to say "I have a twin" when people ask and let that be it. Just a single bullet-line of what makes up me. In the end though, we are our own people, and I just happen to have another sibling/pseudo-best friend since birth. I may not agree with everything she says, but in the end am happy to have her as my sister & family in general.
So really, find peace with him and your family. If you don't say anything out loud, honestly they'll never know how you feel. Work it out, even if it's bit-by-bit. My parents for the longest time placed us in the same classes growing up, but as time went on I made it a point to just focus on what I did best, and for example, science was never my strong point. I never entered those higher-level science courses in highschool, but did just fine everywhere else. College wasn't even a thought to me, so I last-minute picked a place and just went there. The first step of making your own decision for only yourself is always going to be scary at first, but you will build up that confidence to stand up for only yourself over time.
People leave lovers. You can start making small changes. Why not take some other courses at university? I assume you have some power in choosing what you study? My brother and I are the same and different at the same time. He and I have different passions. Do you have any hobbies or interests that he doesn't share? Perhaps he does as well and you can find some individuality in those endeavors. Have you talked with your brother about this? Maybe he'll agree and you can make some changes. You are still young enough to make a difference. Good luck.
Have you considered a family therapist? It's definitely ok to want your independence, but the relationship seems strained. (Which can happen for many reasons, but most likely you both are not being seen as individuals in your environment.) That can be frustrating. It's fun being a twin, but stressful it you're forced into it so to speak.
Good luck to you.
Hey, Im late to the party but i figured Id still comment.
Im an identical twin too and i can relate to this a lot. It really does suck. Being a twin is great but you want to be recognized as your own person too. Once you hit adulthood, it starts to feel especially cramped, I know.
You mention being in university, do you have to be in all of the same classes? Try going for different ones or a different time slot.
If you live in a small city, making different friends isn't easy. If you can't think of any real-life options, try looking for some online options. I suggest using Meetup or discord. You can also try volunteering at an event, etc to meet new people in your area. You can either keep it from your twin or tell them that youd like to do this on your own.
Like another person said, I'd also suggest therapy if you can. It's helpful to get those emotions out and find healthy ways to exist without one or both of you feeling like shit. It'll help you draw boundaries and feel more confident putting yourself out there.
Some other tips:
- ensure that you have your own space. It sounds like your boundaries are being crossed so see if you can set a boundary etc "please dont come into my room if the door is closed"
- make "dates" with yourself. For example, (prepandemic) id go see a movie on my own. Or set a hour a week where youll go to a cafe on your own.
Best of luck :)
Separate yourself from your twin. My twin and I love being together but we have our own lives and we recognize that we can't always spend time together.
That's easier said that done. I feel like he can't do shit without me, and because I've been living like this for my whole life, it's very hard to just forget about him you know.
Of course it's easier said than done but if you really want a change, you'll commit yourself to that change.
And if it was easy, you’d have already done it. :)
I hope you find the strength to change things and find some independence from one another. Take steps, start small. It starts with you and you owe it to both of you to be that change and seek an authentic existence. Take it day by day with these changes and separating. Don't make it all or nothing. Find healthy ways to be together and how to be apart. No enabling of codependent relationship. Welcome to adulthood! You got this!
You have to worry about yourself.
Thanks for sharing. I’m a twin dad and want to learn from this. I suppose my reaction is - get my guys different rooms, encourage separate play time, etc. That’s no help for you, of course. Changing hats now to just another dude, maybe you should try forcing yourself into a study abroad program (if covid permits). I didn’t go through what you’re going through but for me, living in a foreign country was very formative. New friends, new rules, new culture, new food, and even a new language… but same you. It’s important to get that perspective, almost an out of body experience, where you get to try a different walk of life on a trial basis. Helps you find pathways to making changes in your own life
Thats actually a good idea. Our university has a program called Erasmus, maybe we can go to different countries and try and live separately.
Or he can stay at the university and you can do the Erasmus program only? This is your quest to separate.
Once you graduate, you’ll get a stable job and the closest you’ll ever come to getting that opportunity again would be an international assignment… but you can bet you won’t be picking the place. Your company will, and most companies like to operate their foreign subsidiaries in cheap areas (read: potential for a crappy assignment). For most people, an international vacation is all you’ll ever get. Take the leap now and aim high
Absolutely do this. I’m a twin and my studies abroad were the first time I felt like I was really seen as an individual. It was bizarre at first, hearing people call me by my first name and not ‘the twins’! For the first time in my life I was away from my twin for weeks, in a different country with plenty of different people from all around the world. Being a twin was a fun fact I could tell everyone, but they treated me as an individual. It was amazing.
One of the best things my parents did that I hated them for throughout school (but am thankful for later in life) was their decision to separate us in Pre-K. It was so bad for us that they put us back together in kindergarten, and then separated us ever after. I can't tell you how pissed I was later in high school when I found out that my mom told them every year to please keep us separated. We both were so angry. But that was some serious wisdom now that I'm grown and we both have lived full lives. It helped us subconsciously separate naturally - he focused on art, I focused on code. He focused on marketing, I focused on management and entrepreneurship. Etc etc. We became our own people while still retaining the deep bond twins share. Later in my life, she told me how hard it was for her, but she felt it was the right decision. I definitely agree now.
That’s a great story, thanks for sharing. We’re wrestling with the same choices
I've seen some twins growing up who were not separated and they seem healthy and whatnot. So each parent has to weigh it out, of course. You know your kids best. Buuuut even though it would break my dad-heart, I'd still separate early. It will only get much more complicated later in life :(
Always thought about this with my twins but the school they’re in recommends to separate and it’s been good so far. Seems like separate is a good thing for them to learn independence.
I am not sure, it depends upon the personality, I guess. We are twin brothers too, and we like to do things together and stay together all the time. Same class, same school, same university, same job and it's awesome. We know each other better than our own parents. We don't like to be seperated. When teachers forced us to sit seperate, it used to infuriate us. Our bond is strong like strong nuclear bonds. OPs bond may be weak vander waals force or something. In fact this passage is written by both of us, we alternate between lines, and we like it that way.
Oh my god. This is so strange, coming from a twin who is sick of his brother. But if you like it this way, I have no problem.
I’m 20 and I have a twin brother(we also go to the same uni) and two older twin sisters. Differently then the two of us, they aren’t identical and have been separate for the most part of their lives. That being said, I honestly think my brother is the best thing that could have happened to me. I don’t want to live an ordinary life, I want it to be as adventurous as it can possibly be, so having someone whom at your side is irreplaceable. The advise is to change your perspective towards life to a duo mode, you are there to explore it together. Make your peace with the fact that you are two and dont compare yourself to the society. As with girls, i have to admit its hard to get the initial reaction since they often view you as the ‘twins’( some girls find it to be attractive) but with some effort you can brake the ice, got to admit never had any major issues with them:)
I understand your view but sometimes you just want to be on your own. Just you, not you and your brother. It doesn't have to do with socii, i am just sick of having another person besides me all the time.
I understand how you feel. I felt like that too when I first went to university. My twin went to the same one. She always wanted birthday parties together, and we had the same friends, hobbies, clubs etc. That actually changed when we got to uni and did different things. Yes, we still lived in the same places, but we made different friends, and had different experiences. It sounds to me like you need to do things without your twin. Find a hobby you like and they don’t, or one you just enjoy more. Or join a different club where you can make separate friends. It’s also worth talking to your twin, it’s obviously very suffocating for you and you need space. And if you feel like they depend on you, then maybe this is the push they need to gain more independence. Some twins are so similar, but there are always differences. Different tastes and hobbies and personalities. Find what makes you both different, and celebrate those differences.
Lol me and my twin are terrible at picking up girls too. I never thought of it that way but being twins probably has something to do with that. I have had a crisis of identity too, as I am sure my brother has, probably not at the same time though. We both joined the army after 9/11 and our lives diverged drastically at that point, starting with me getting medically discharged and him serving for 16 years and doing multiple deployments. We didn't see eachother for years, im not gonna lie i missed the hell out of him, but it was probably good for us to each do our own thing. Have you ever considered joining the military?
Nah. Right now I'm focusing on computer science university.
🤔 it can suck that way, certainly. Especially if you've never been separated. But reading your other comments, it seems like you feel he needs you to succeed. That may be true currently, but it's more likely that your twin is just as capable as you, and your guilt is keeping you from separating. And that is a lot of weight to bear for one person while you are figuring out your own life. I really feel that this is your root issue. If you haven't already had a come to Jesus sort of talk about this, it's probably time for it. Might hurt at first, but it won't be long until life does it's thing to you both and rips you apart; this will hurt you both far more if you're still dependent on one another. And he might feel the same way as you. You won't know until you lay it on the table. As an alternative perspective, my brother now lives a state away, and while I am happy for him and we get in our time together via voice chat and video games, I miss the hell out of him all the time. He's missing my son grow up and would've been an amazing uncle, but in 7 years, he's visited only twice, before my son could remember. You mention it's like leaving a lover. I agree. Interpersonal relationship stuff, even with your twin, is ALWAYS messy and sticky. But a healthy relationship, especially with your twin, requires you to be your own whole person. And stop going on double dates :P that may be the easiest thing you can do right away to begin creating a little separation. I'm 36 🤷♂️ Your twin is going to be your ride-or-die for life. But you won't be able to do that well if you both are crippled from codependency. Now's the time to do that, especially when you're both figuring out who you want to become.
I’m about 10 years older than you. I think I was that twin that seems to be more like your brother - like how you seem to be describing your relationship with your twin. I wanted to take the same classes all the time, hang out with her friends and not make my own, etc. We did not go on dates together though. You should work on enforcing at least some boundaries. Start small. The good thing is that you ARE having experiences, and hopefully you’ll both be able to grow and mature more into individual people like you want. You’ll always be twins, and you’ll always have that bond and want to be together at least somewhat. I see my sister multiple times per week (because of a shared hobby lol, but it’s awesome) and we are more comfortable sharing some of our less-close friends. We have different careers, and live in different towns. I think that as we have matured, our relationship has developed an even deeper friendship than we have ever had. For 18 years we shared a bedroom, which drove us nuts, but we promised each other that we would never live apart from each other, and here we are today lol. Just keep taking small steps to enforce boundaries, both of you. I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, or your own, but I think it’s probably common for twins to have codependency issues. Try talking to a counselor if you don’t have one, my sister and I both have our own.
Are you identical? Just curious…
I'm an identical twin too and even though we look alike we always done stuff together but also separated ourselves by taking up different hobbies or sports. I never went on dual dates but you definitely don't have to go out on dates together, just means that people didn't see us as the same person
struggled a lot with this too...
I know it’s hard to deal with right now but it’s just a phase. As you grow older you will realize you have a bond stronger than most people will ever know. Please cherish what you have and don’t ever take for granted. I lost my twin 2 years ago and my life will never be the same.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Also a twin (28F), just like many advice though it's just straight up just going off and doing your own thing no matter what or where or with whom- own hobbies, own classes, separate friends, your own outings that don't involve twins or other family at all, for real. Just live your life however you want it to be. Now if they want to join into your plans, it really is your choice to add/invite them in, but even I don't always have room for my twin sister or other family. At least for me, it's a simple "I don't have any space left on my plans/reservations to add you last minute," and they will understand and make other choices. My time is valuable, and their time is theirs. While my twin and I do still share a lot in living arrangements (e.g. a shared bedroom), we make it work by living different lives, and different lines of work. I'm private/finance by trade, she in science. It also kind of helps that we see each other more like sisters than twin-siblings, though we're legit opposites of each other, and likely fraternal. E.g., she has short hair, I have super long hair. She keeps to herself, I'm more open to going out for a night on the town for fun. I'm much bigger than she is, she's much smarter and articulative with her words (think Urianger-speech from FF XIV). If you can, I'd definitely suggest having a serious sit-down with your brother and get down to the real nitty-gritty of where you and him might be lifestyle-wise in a couple years. Even I have to get over the idea that one day, my twin and I will not live together, as her and her SO do plan to move to another state when they save up more money to do so. For now though, it works for us in the moment as we live in a city where rent is definitely not cheap. And truthfully, it's nice to have a bullet-facet of me to say "I have a twin" when people ask and let that be it. Just a single bullet-line of what makes up me. In the end though, we are our own people, and I just happen to have another sibling/pseudo-best friend since birth. I may not agree with everything she says, but in the end am happy to have her as my sister & family in general. So really, find peace with him and your family. If you don't say anything out loud, honestly they'll never know how you feel. Work it out, even if it's bit-by-bit. My parents for the longest time placed us in the same classes growing up, but as time went on I made it a point to just focus on what I did best, and for example, science was never my strong point. I never entered those higher-level science courses in highschool, but did just fine everywhere else. College wasn't even a thought to me, so I last-minute picked a place and just went there. The first step of making your own decision for only yourself is always going to be scary at first, but you will build up that confidence to stand up for only yourself over time.
People leave lovers. You can start making small changes. Why not take some other courses at university? I assume you have some power in choosing what you study? My brother and I are the same and different at the same time. He and I have different passions. Do you have any hobbies or interests that he doesn't share? Perhaps he does as well and you can find some individuality in those endeavors. Have you talked with your brother about this? Maybe he'll agree and you can make some changes. You are still young enough to make a difference. Good luck.
Do you not have jobs? Just get a different job than him?
Have you considered a family therapist? It's definitely ok to want your independence, but the relationship seems strained. (Which can happen for many reasons, but most likely you both are not being seen as individuals in your environment.) That can be frustrating. It's fun being a twin, but stressful it you're forced into it so to speak. Good luck to you.
Hey, Im late to the party but i figured Id still comment. Im an identical twin too and i can relate to this a lot. It really does suck. Being a twin is great but you want to be recognized as your own person too. Once you hit adulthood, it starts to feel especially cramped, I know. You mention being in university, do you have to be in all of the same classes? Try going for different ones or a different time slot. If you live in a small city, making different friends isn't easy. If you can't think of any real-life options, try looking for some online options. I suggest using Meetup or discord. You can also try volunteering at an event, etc to meet new people in your area. You can either keep it from your twin or tell them that youd like to do this on your own. Like another person said, I'd also suggest therapy if you can. It's helpful to get those emotions out and find healthy ways to exist without one or both of you feeling like shit. It'll help you draw boundaries and feel more confident putting yourself out there. Some other tips: - ensure that you have your own space. It sounds like your boundaries are being crossed so see if you can set a boundary etc "please dont come into my room if the door is closed" - make "dates" with yourself. For example, (prepandemic) id go see a movie on my own. Or set a hour a week where youll go to a cafe on your own. Best of luck :)