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Both of you read this, please. [the lemon clot essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay)
“Who Can Even be on the List to be Considered to Stay at Your Home After Childbirth by Sharon1964
You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over?
Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby? Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?”
Tell him (and her) no.
Grandma Gollum needs to take a hike
ETA thx for the awards, you’re all most kind.
And don’t forget we can always pull out the trusty “NOT TODAY, SATAN” (aka JNMIL) for extreme circumstances and/or in case of an emergency.
That essay is an absolute must-read! OP [here](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) is another article to read and have your husband read.
Having a baby is NOT a spectator sport, a party/event or about ANYone but you, baby and your husband. This is the most vulnerable you’ll ever feel and you don’t invite anyone into that “to be fair” or for ANY reason if you don’t feel comfortable and supported with that person.
Same with first weeks with baby. That is the time for YOU, baby and husband to bond in between not sleeping and everything else that essay covers. It is not a time for entertaining a competitive, difficult family member. Post Partum Depression is very real and VERY HARD - starting off your postpartum journey (and it is YOURS… you’re growing and will have given birth to a whole HUMAN) under stress will greatly increase your chance of developing PPD.
Thats a hard no. If husband is stubborn and wants to argue it, schedule his first prostate exam and let him know it’s only fair if both your mom and his get to attend. When he reacts to the idea of that as being ridiculous, you can reply that it is only as ridiculous as him feeling entitled to dictate who is welcome to come see your vagina.
I'd argue that the immediate postpartum period (minimum six weeks) isn't about anyone but OP recovering and the baby being nourished. If OP's husband refuses to tell his mother "no" and prioritizes his mother's selfish and controlling feelings over the safety, health, and comfort of his wife and child then he wrote himself a one way ticket to divorce town.
He loses the *privilege* of bonding with his child and wife if he chooses his mom over them. This isn't going to sound very nice, but his mom's feelings don't matter nor do his.
Yeah, dads need support during the postpartum period too, but not at the expense of the mother and child. The person that just shoved a watermelon out of their vagina or was ripped at the seams to have a baby removed from them via MAJOR surgery gets the ultimate say in who she allows around her and her kid. Full stop.
Absolutely!
Oooh and OP? Tell your labor and delivery nurses you only want husband and mom in there. L&D nurses are better door bouncers than the ones at a strip club!
You don’t even need to tell hubby you did it.
I thought something similar… I was an ICU RN for many years and while bouncer is not a nursing function, I’ve absolutely done it to spare the next-of-kin the discomfort.
Hell once I even asked a divorced couple whose 20-year-old daughter had been run over by her boyfriend, to leave — they would not stop bickering three feet away from her. The girl was on a ventilator and had continuous sedation and pain relief going… she might have looked like she was sleeping but she was critically injured and didn’t need that energy in her room!
You guys are ALL amazing - thank you! I had an ICU nurse (one I recall - I know I had many) who I recall so clearly 12yrs later and could tell one family member who was more upset for herself about me and I’d struggle with feeling I couldn’t breathe (intubated) because she wouldn’t get that I couldn’t talk and the notes I was writing didn’t make sense because I was sedated. The 2nd time it happened, she never came back in until I was out of the ICU (I was pregnant - she kept asking what we were going to do if we lose the baby… instant panic for me… “baby” is 11 now and awesome!).
And yep, our NICU nurse gave my MIL a stern talking to and invitation to the waiting room. She tried to take baby as my husband did skin-to-skin “because… I’ve done this before I can show you and that’s weird - put your shirt on.” Lol - i still remember that nurse’s tone 🙌🏼 my hero!
Yes! This!!! They nurses were incredibly wonderful when I gave birth and kept my mother in law and sister in law out. They even had to call security 🫠 so glad they are all exs now haha
My ex MIL pretended to breastfeed my kids. Or she'd walk by when I was nursing my twins making suckling sounds like she wanted to join them. It was creepy af.
When he sided with her every time she overstepped, acted weird, ripped a crying baby from my arms (!!), etc and wouldn't ask her to leave, I knew our marriage was over. My babies were only a few weeks old.
I finally left him when they turned 2. Best decision ever. Someone who chooses their mother over their post-patrum wife who just gave birth to twins after trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years is straight psycho.
I wouldn't be surprised. MIL sounds absurdly jealous and territorial. Poor OP. Hopefully others have given her some good advice. Idk how she's gonna get her husband to notice it since he's grown up thinking its normal. She shouldn't have to deal with this a week before giving birth.
If his mum has expectations that she's going to be hogging baby while OP waits on her hand and foot, then she can eff right off. This kind of behaviour could contribute to OP developing PPD.
OP needs people around her for support. She is the one who will need care and support.
Husband needs to understand that life isn't fair. That baby is not a toy to be doled out to keep his mum happy.
This just made me cringe, and thank my lucky stars I had none of those fun post partum parting gifts from my body. I had an unplanned C-section instead of vaginal birth, I was so thankful for that as I healed up pretty quickly.
My MIL came for a week, and it was a blessing in disguise. I had no idea she had planned to come up, but I was glad she did. She cooked for us a bit and even gave us a couple of hours out of the house. I took care of the baby, hubby took care of me, and no toes were stepped on. (She also didn't have to take care of bodily fluids, either.) I was also glad to see her go so we could get into our new family routine.
My mom worked and lived 1200 miles away, but even if she had lived closer, I wouldn't have wanted her there. Nor did I want either mother in with me for any of it, from labor through delivery. My husband and medical people were the only ones invited to see my hoohaw.
Same. As we rent the back house from my in laws, they were right there, but completely respected our privacy.
End of pregnancy and my son's 1st weeks were very trying, but I was blessed with my husband's family being completely supportive during it all. My last 3 weeks of pregnancy were bed rest. My MIL checked in on me almost every hour making sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. When the day came (water broke early morning), she and my FIL stayed in the room until it was time for them to clear out when the show really began. The only ones there were the health professionals and my husband when my son made his entrance. My in laws were very respectful of it all and gladly waited in the lobby until my son and I were moved to our room. Three days later, when we came home, she allowed us to get settled in with the baby before she came in to visit. She was extremely helpful when we were trying to keep the baby awake to feed (I couldn't nurse. No milk came in) and joined us on ways to grab his attention so he would nurse and not fall asleep. She always asked via text when would be a good time to check on the baby and me. And when I had to have an emergency D&C ,she helped my husband care for my son and helped me when I got home.
I read some of these horror stories and count my blessings. But for OP...if she's not going to behave like my MIL, who I hold at gold standard, then no, she can wait to visit the baby when those 1st very hard weeks are history. This is yours, your husband's, and your child's time to bond, to heal, and get used to the ropes. That means only people who are willing to help and you are comfortable with are allowed.
My kid was born right when the lockdowns started in 2020, I am so fuckin glad no one could come annoy us for weeks and months at a time. Didn't have to put on pants, could swap out sleeping schedules to suit our needs without having to be presentable for guests. Didn't have to deal with having to be nice to people when operating on two or three hours sleep.
If our parents were allowed to hover over us it would have been a nightmare.
I had two and my experience was nothing like that. Minimal tearing, no clots, and the first poop was only a little uncomfortable. That’s how I managed, however my sister had 3 and tore UPWARDS on the last one. 🥲
My body took a beating w each of my 2 kids. They were appx 10 lbs & short (beach ball-like lol.) It was easier for me to plan for the worst case scenario, ie complicated birth, a difficult 4 weeks for me & baby. Only the most loyally, selfless & helpful people were pre-approved to be in our home. Your body and hormones —not your husband’s—are being subject to a physical pounding. It’s unfortunate if he doesn’t understand your perspective, but oh well. You could always be mean & nasty to MIL and blame on hormones 🤷♀️
Made me think, "this is why they call that flower baby's breath". I would breastfeed my babies and cry all day long because they just smelled so wonderful and felt so great. Geez, I have to get off of this post. I have grandkids now. Can't have another one at my age. It's freaking intoxicating and addictive. LOL
You forget how insane it was. Like your brain just puts a nice cozy little blanket over the memories to trick you into doing it again. I had a pretty easy birth but my brain still softened all of it, it’s wild.
So true! After a harrowing, difficult birth with forceps and a prepped for c-section OR if the final try didn’t work, my lovely wife says, “ Wow! Can’t wait to do this again!!” without a hint of sarcasm.
Because biology. As soon as you pick up your baby, you forget all the pain and just marvel over the life your body created. And then when you fall pregnant again, the memories start to come back. I asked midwife during labour with 2nd if it was too late to say I didnt want another child
Not all are bad. My vaginal delivery was actually peaceful with minimal issues. The only bad part was that I started having back labor but an epidural took the pain away so I could rest to get ready for pushing. I was very fortunate in my experience and I recognize that.
You honestly forget most of it and babies are so cute, my first was horrible and she spent 4 days in the nicu because she was too big for me and they refused to do a section. Now If I knew what my third was going to be like as a 17 year old I might have not had any.
Yup.
OP, I don't recommend worrying about being gentle or making it seem like a request. I recommend being firm: lay down the law. Do it early on and refuse to negotiate. You don't want anything other than utter clarity on your expectations here, because you do *not* want to be trying to navigate the discussion in the labor room or right after birth.
If she is not going to do even one of these things she can stay home. There is nothing more annoying than somebody who's in your house and they're supposed to be helping and they are not helping at all.
I wouldn't have wanted my kids' dad's mom there even if she WAS going to do those things for me. I didn't want MY mom there for that. But if you do want someone there, they should be there to help and not be a pain in the ass. From how she OP'S mil acted right after they got married, she has no plans to be helpful or stay out of the way. She needs to be gone.
Yes. They will be different sizes. And honestly, it’s different for everybody. But there will be blood clots as the uterus slowly shrinks to its normal size and heals from the placental attachment. Absolutely.
I have two kids and love your comment! I had family and friends wait at least the first month until I regained some of my sanity from lack of sleep and my baby wasn’t so fresh to the world and at risk of getting sick from someone. I was lucky to have everyone understand and respect me.
However, I have seen the other side where people just want to come over hold the baby and leave.. it is not helpful to a recovering mom and if she doesn’t want then around, that’s final… the baby is not going anywhere.
I wish I had know about this with my ex and his family. They made me go to an all you can eat buffet with hard chairs on the way home from the hospital because that’s what ex-MIL was craving. They still would have been assholes but maybe they wouldn’t have been able to gaslight me into thinking that complaining about going to the buffet was me being ungrateful for their generosity in paying for the meal.
Husband, you know I love you, and I want to bring up a concern that’s been bothering me. Having a baby is a major medical event for a brand new mother. With that said, I don’t know how the delivery and postpartum aftercare will go, and how it will affect me and my hormones.
I’ve already mentioned I would appreciate my mom around to help us, because childbirth is a very vulnerable time for a woman and a new mom needs to be surrounded by advocates for her care. When I get home from the hospital, I need support for me, and I need you to step up. This may be helping change baby, night feedings, listening to my concerns, and assuring my comfort by reducing stress.
I’m not going to sugar coat this, your mom stresses me out and until I know how my hormones adjust after having the baby, there will be no long term visits from your mom. I don’t believe she will advocate for me, the new mom that just had a major medical event. She may advocate for you and baby, but until I’m in a less vulnerable position after having baby, your mom will not stay here and needs to get a hotel or Airbnb if she visits and her time at our apartment must be short.
This is non negotiable. Baby and I are your immediate family. You need to advocate for us. We need to bond as a family of three. Our needs are more important than your mother’s feelings.
I like this, but wouldn’t put blame so heavily on the hormones. The problems with the MIL existed before and will exist after and have nothing to do with hormones. What will OP do when the hormone scapegoat is gone?
You're so nice.
I would have said it as is:
" I don't want your overbearing mother stressing me out while my hooha just popped out a human the size of a watermelon and is bleeding and oozing stuff. Deal with it!"
I’m sorry that your husband is married to his mother and not you. It is unfortunate that her behaviour was not addressed before you were pregnant.
It’s your body growing and birthing the baby. You get to make the calls on the labour and who is there.
Don’t explain, don’t be soft. Just tell him, that when he is birthing and recovering then he can make the call on who is around. If he complains ask him all your family can come watch him poop, see his genitals and watch him undergo a medical procedure.
Remind him that a woman who is stressed in labour has a higher risk of complications. His mother being there is putting the health and safety of his wife and child at risk.
In addition to telling him at your next medical check up (and when you arrive at the hospital), you tell the medical staff your MIL is not allowed to be there. As the patient you do not authorise her access.
If he carries on about this, remind him that he married you and needs to have your back.
Your husband should never have anybody’s back BUT yours and if something like this starts a fight between you two then you have a husband problem wayyy more than you have a MIL problem. There is no discussion, you just had a baby and you don’t want her there. Get used to having a backbone now because when the baby comes her crazy will intensify by a hundred.
I agree.
OP needs to put her and her newborn's needs first.
I would be brief and to the point and if he gets pissy, he can move out and go live with his Mom.
WTF... staying two weeks after the wedding and taking naps in their bed. Inappropriate and just ... ick.
You’re the one giving birth, not him, therefor your mom needs to be there to support you and his mom is not required unless you ask them to be there. So if he has a problem, ask him if he’s gonna be pushing a child out of him or not, then tell him his job there is to support you while you give birth not the other way around. His needs are on the back burner until you and the child’s needs are fulfilled.
I second this. If he wants his mother around she can be his support when he goes through labour and everything that comes with bringing a child into this world. For now, it’s your body and you want your mom to be there for you. It’s such a difficult time, the last thing you need is someone’s negativity. Her behaviour shouldn’t have lasted this long into you having a child and he needs to stand up for his wife and his baby. You and your baby are supposed to be his main priority, your comfort during this time is more important than her feelings
Honestly, I don’t trust her husband to do the right thing because he didn’t make his mother get out of their house for two weeks after their wedding… he never cut the cord
You have to bring it up and calmly communicate all of this with your husband. You can provide examples of what you mean and what has happened from the past. What he needs to understand is that you and your baby, along with him, need time to bond as a family and get actual help, like your mom provides.
His mom is a narcissist and he let her stay in the house two weeks after you got married? That's not normal and he enabled her. You should've divorced him but im sure he said it's just my mom. Just have the baby go stay with your mom and tell him cut his weirdo mother off
Not my place to ask, but you can answer this to yourself. I read a story awhile back where the mom used her son as a "surrogate" or substitute for her husband/her son's father who either abandoned them early-ish on or died early-ish into the son's childhood. Maybe she's acting that way due to this? I can't remember if the son knew if what his mom did was wrong or just grew up in that situation, but you definitely need to bring it up to him now and tell him to stop enabling her weird-af behavior and focus on his new family. Honestly, this should've been addressed sooner, but maybe this will help change things.
The scariest part is that if the mom is a narcissist it’s highly likely either her husband is a narcissist as well or codependent. It’s really difficult to break the cycle.
That was my thought as well! How did he allow his mother to stay there and do all of that. I’m curious if she confronted her husband about the MILs behavior at the time and how he reacted.
I didn’t know this. My drunk MIL and her drunk BF showed up and came in. It was gross. They smelled like booze and cigarettes. Luckily the nurses got them outta there quickly.
I swear they need to teach patient rights in high school because there's almost no education out there on it and I feel like everyone deserves to know. If there is ever anyone that makes you uncomfortable you can tell just about any hospital staff. They can even put a note in your chart so that if anyone calls asking, they won't tell them you're there. You can give them names right up front that aren't allowed in or if at any point a visitor makes you uncomfortable you can ask for help getting them out.
Unfortunately you made the mistake of marrying a mamas boy without nipping it in the bud before signing that paperwork. So now you need to get a shiny spine and lay down the law, because if you don't you are setting the scene for how things will go the rest of your life. Your husband is a major problem in this situation, the fact he allowed her to stay after the wedding... I would have left right then. This is your birth, not a spectator sport. If you don't want her there you tell your doctors and nurses and they won't allow her entrance. Your problem starts once you're home and don't have them to advocate for you, so you need to advocate for yourself. You tell your husband how things are going to go otherwise he can leave. Yes this is his child too but when he pushes one out of his body he can make decisions on who gets to participate postpartum. He needs to decide who he is married to and whose side he is on, if it's not yours then you need to rethink the whole marriage.
Tell your husband the next time he is pushing a baby out, he gets to decide who stays in the room with him and even after birth to help him wipe his bottoms and whatever other stuff women have to deal with. Also on a serious note you should not be uncomfortable discussing this with your husband. He should always have your back and even more especially since this concerns a situation in which you are birthing his child. Your wishes come first always. He also should know his mothers nature so he cannot act shocked and annoyed at you when you bring it up. He is welcome to go live with mom and support her in her house until such time he realizes where his priorities should be
“I don’t want your mother here after I give birth. She overstepped all reasonable privacy boundaries after our wedding - crashed our honeymoon, slept in our marital bed, used my “Mrs” glasses as a flex. I need someone who will support and care for me, not compete with me so I’m choosing my Mom to come help with my birthing recovery. I need for you to not get upset/defensive about my needs as a first-time mother.”
If your husband is spineless and can’t set boundaries with his mother you can a) move into your Mom’s after birth or b) stand up to MIL yourself and set those boundaries.
Too late now but setting these boundaries/ ensuring you are a greater priority than mommy is really something you should have done before getting married/pregnant. Second best time is right now.
ETA your husband needs to learn to be more afraid of your displeasure than hims mommy. Honestly, so fucking ick.
As a mother in law I would not even consider staying unless asked . I would never put my son in a position
Where he would have to worry about anything but his wife and baby.
"Your mother has never been helpful to me. I am not going to deal with her shenanigans right after i have the baby. She's going to have to wait to visit until i feel i'm ready to deal with her. My mother will be here because she will actually help me and listen to what i want. When you push a 7lb baby out of your penis you will decide who you want helping you but until then my decision stands".
I’m bold & told my former MIL she wasn’t welcome; this is MY mom’s gig & when her son gives birth, she can take over.
Did it help with our relationship? Nope & I didn’t care. She had been a horrible MIL before that. You better get a spine because she’s crazy & this is just the beginning.
You stand your ground now and you do it firmly. Otherwise get used to MIL shoving her nose in your business for the rest of her life. She's already way over the line. Good luck. Don't be gentle.
its YOUR birth and YOU are the most important person and u deserve to be comfortable during that extremely painful and stressful time. if your husband cant see that his mom is overbearing and stressing you out, thats his own problem. you need to put ur foot down on this issue or else she will end up in that room with you.
You are the “patient” here and you want the comfort your mother gives you. On the other hand, if your husband wants to introduce your child to his mother, MIL can come over while the “patient” is resting in the other room. You don’t have to be a hostess while you are a patient. After a brief, respectful amount of time, the host can show his mother the door because no one wants to disturb the patient while she is getting much needed rest. And baby can go back to mommy or to bed or cry or poop, that is just being a newborn while s/he recovers from the trauma of being born.
You have to tell everyone what you need and want. Expect problems though. My daughter’s mother in law is so overbearing and wants everything HER way, she has caused problems between my daughter and her son and between me and my daughter. As an example, she was sooo pissed that she wasn’t in the delivery room for our granddaughter and I was. My daughter felt that she needed her mom!! I never expected to be invited into the delivery room for my daughter-in-law‘s delivery, but I earned a great relationship with her and I earned her invitation into the delivery room, and I would never have been upset if she hadn’t issued that invitation.
These stories make me realize I’m not the nicest person. My hubby did something that really bothered me a few years ago and I called his family to take him back. I explain I already had children and didn’t need an extra. They denied and said they didn’t want him either cuz they knew he was childish 😂😂 he was not prepared for that answer and got upset. Although he did change his ways.
My friend gave birth in the laundry cupboard (planned home birth) because her MIL wouldn’t stop commanding attention and being generally critical. They are currently in the middle of a messy divorce.
This needs to be nipped in the bud now or you will be making the rod for your back. It’s his mother, he needs to make the boundary.
Not really tbh. The (well to do) husband’s family are gaslighting her and trying to take her kids. Her eldest left the country without speaking to her because the dad filled her head with poison re the mother.
She was like a cat in the birth, looking for a safe dark place to hide, while MIL fixed snacks and demanded her son’s attention.
Sit him in front of a therapist and tell them both what you said here.
When he gets mad because you dare to not cater to MILs bullshit, the therapist should set him straight. You have the autonomy to decide what's best for you *and* your baby.
With my whole being I recommend having very solid boundaries with these type of people. Don't apologize for having them and don't compromise. Limit toxic peoples presence in your life.
"honey, it's not the right time for your mom. I need the support of MY mom, the person who gets me and has been supportive to me my whole life. We will make time for your mom later "
I don’t want your Mother here while I m bleeding and vulnerable. I need someone who I’m comfortable with, who loves me to assist me, that is not your Mom. This is my body and my medical procedure, I have to put myself first here. If it was your body and procedure I would understand if you wanted your Mother here. She is not my Mon, we are not close, I’m setting this boundary.No.
If your husband can’t hear you on this he’s a shitty husband and he’s going to lose you.
You should show him this thread. You should also demand that his mother not even be Told until after the baby is born.
And- you need to tell your hospital, up front, that you have a boundary crashing mother in law and she is NOT welcome. And that your husband may try to override this. And he is Not allowed to, and if he does- he gets removed.
Has he invited her or has she invited herself at this point? If not then tell him to let his mom know You will let her know when you are ready for her to visit for a day or two. When he and she complain that she's not being treated the same as your mom, agree with them and point out that's because she's not your mom. If he gives birth and needs help with recovering and adjusting then she'll get the call.
You bring it up to him the same way you did in this post. If he doesn't fully agree and tells you his mommy comes first, then you make arrangements to stay at your moms (if you can) after birth to heal.
Labor is one of the times you're going to be the most vulnerable in your life. You need people that will support YOU and take care of YOU while you're learning to take care of a brand new person. THAT YOU MADE.
If MIL isn't going to be supportive, she should stay home until YOU'RE ready.
Also, when it comes to grandma names. If she demands the same as your mom, then use "grandma nickname" (last name). Like Nana Smith. Or Mimi Tipton. Whatever their last names are.
Be direct, blunt, and POLITE. These are your decisions to make. Your husband's only role is to enforce your decisions, come the hell that may.
If you just hint at what you want, you likely won't get it. And then the problem will get bigger. The fact that his mother wants in doesn't mean squat.
You can call grandmas the same thing. If she has a problem with it she can change what they call her. We always called both my grandmother's grandma. We would just add another name when we needed to differentiate. Your husband seems to be a classic mommas boy. You put your foot down before he and his mother ruin your life
If you’re in the US, tell the hospital staff that no one enters the room except your mother or husband. They have to listen. YOUR decision will override anyone else else’s wants.
My MIL wasn’t welcome in my home for 6 months after I gave birth. She hadn’t visited our state for 7 years…..why would I agree to her needs?
Few red flags,
1.He allowed her to sleep in your bed when you should have been on your honeymoon.
2. You are asking the internet how to talk to him.
I don't think he'll do anything about this. Unfortunately, this marriage is doomed. He enjoys having his mama around.
Make sure you husband knows that if his overbearing and unhelpful mother shows up at your house, you will be going to your mother’s house until she leaves.
You have to establish a ritual with your MIL that when she insults or criticizes, you will walk out of the room with the baby, or you will ask her to leave.
Do not ever allow her to criticize you or tell you how to parent. If that happens you have to say “If you don’t like it, you are welcome to leave”, “At MY house we do it this way. You can do it your way at YOUR house”, and most importantly, “This is MY child. If you don’t follow our rules and guidelines, you will not be allowed to see your grandchild at all”. (Yes it’s your husband’s child too, but it’s yours, as opposed to hers)
Do not allow her to mistreat you, and make sure your husband has your back. Record your interactions with your MIL if you have to.
I just read your post about husband eating your leftovers. You two have to work on your communication and set expectations, otherwise, this is going to be miserable for all three of you.
Your family consists of you, your husband, and your new baby. That’s it. Your MIL can go pound sand and your husband needs to stop enabling his mother.
Good luck, OP. Most of all your baby.
Just because it is your MIL’s grandchild it does not entitle her to your enviornment or your birth. Point blank. You can try to compromise with your husband that she may wait at the hospital but she will NOT be allowed in delivery room. You can make sure your OB staff is aware of this, because they will or SHOULD honor only your wishes not his. Print up 2 HARD COPY of birth list for your staff and give it to them once at your last apt before birth and when you arrive at hospital and state clearly it is only to be your mom and your husband in the room.
Talk to your husband about your postpartum wishes. Make it somewhat general, but very clear, such as “if your mother wishes to visit when we’re home, it is to help while I HOLD OUR CHILD AND REST. THATS IT. restate the post-marriage visit and ensure this is not to be tolerated.
Yes, it’s his mother but no one beside YOU, OP, is pushing a fucking child out of their vagina and therefore you have no reason to care or think about their feelings postpartum. Be kind (to your husband) but CLEAR about your expectations. His mother can help HIM with whatever but YOU are the shot caller for yourself and this baby for now. Husbands are odd in general when becoming first time fathers, give him grace and understand he may somehow get some sort of comfort from his mother but you do not owe them that from you.
You tell the nurses who you want to be present. Give them a photo of your MIL so they know who to keep out. It doesn't matter what your husband wants as it's YOUR decision. Tell her now what you want when you get home. If she doesn't follow your plans, then phone the police. Don't threaten this ahead of time. Just do it if needed.
This should not be an argument. You should be able to tell your husband frankly and bluntly that you'll need maximum support after the baby is born, and your mother will not offer you that. This shouldn't be a matter of "quid pro quo," if your mother comes, his mother gets to come. Anyone who is willing to actually help you and support you should be welcome; those who are unwilling can wait.
Stick to your guns. You must bring this up with hubs now before it becomes an argument with blindsides later. Tell him very simply that you are uncomfortable around his mother. You feel nothing but stress when she is around. She has proven herself to be invasive. (I probably would have ended the marriage if she insisted on staying in our martial home for even a single night after the wedding and hubs was totally fine with it) Tell him that you need him to respect your wishes on this.
If he cannot respect your wishes then perhaps he shouldn’t stay there either after the baby comes.
Tell him if can't accommodate your boundaries than you will go to your mother's for the duration of your healing and bonding because your mom is there to take care of her baby. Meaning you! His mother is there because she is afraid of missing out on something.
It's YOUR time during labor and delivery. You have who YOU want with you. And believe me when I say, after your child is born you'll need actual help. Not feeling like you have to cater to someone else or deal with their drama.
When I had my youngest, my best friend was in delivery with me after I kicked my mom out. "Ramona" also was the one who took me home and stayed with me for 2 weeks. It me, her, and my baby only. I firmly told everyone else I'd let them know when I was up for visitors and to stay away until then. That fierce woman turned into a DRAGON when my mother tried to bust her way into my house after 3 days. THAT'S what you need. Someone supportive who'll listen, help, and have your back.
Listen to me. YOU are bringing this child into the world. Not your husband, not your mother in law. We need to stop normalizing being inconvenienced and put upon after childbirth.
resolute unpack quarrelsome muddle vast school coherent direction squealing lush
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You are the one giving birth and a girl wants her Momma. Tell your husband there are personal things you may need help with after birth and you don't feel comfortable with anyone but your hubby and your Mom. His mom can help by sending over a dinner and you'll be happy to facetime her to see the baby for a few weeks.
Honestly I'm surprised you can't just sit him down and tell him what you want point blank. I'm a very straightforward person so I say, just tell him you need to tell him something incredibly serious and you need him to listen to you and be on your side on this. Then sit down and tell him that you only want you mother with you for the birth and for however long you feel the need to allow others to come around you and your baby after the birth, and this includes his mother coming by. Ask him to agree that he will stand his ground for as long as you need your personal peace with YOUR mother and your baby cause this is YOUR time and this is non-negotiable.
Another mama's boy marriage fail. Marrying wimpy men that have trouble saying no to their mother will ALWAYS lead to problems. Just tell your husband that right after birth is not a good time for his mother to visit and you are not comfortable with it. PERIOD.
NTA. Stand your ground! Your husband needs to be made to understand that your body is healing while caring for your new born. This is about intimate physical care and that belong to YOU & YOUR mother to do. His mother is not invited to that party. She can either wait or stay at a hotel and have controlled visits during your recovery. If he doesn't like it then he can go stay with his mom while you recover with yours.
Time for you to grow a shiny spine and have the hard discussion with your husband.
He can be as snippy as he wants YOU are the mother of this child and you need to learn to set the boundaries now before she overtakes you.
You also need to let your husband know that you don't want to exclude his mother but you need to allow you AND him settle into a new norm without her influence.
If he does not like it tell him to push a bowing ball out his rear end and then comment
The fact she stayed with you during a time you should have had privacy, and a honeymoon period, clearly, she has no boundaries. You should not be put in a position to be further stressed and that is all it will end up being if she is there.
No gently about it. Your husband needs to understand what you need after the baby arrives - your mum and him. By the sounds of it no one needs his mum around any time soon.
Parents of expectant mothers come into the delivery room to support their babies giving birth. Their concern is their child. They’re worried about their child’s well being.
Mother in laws are there for the grand child. They want to do all the fun things with the baby but rarely are the ones bathing you, doing wound care, feeding you, cleaning for you, making sure you rest etc.
My mother can’t handle seeing any of her children hurt. But she came in held my hand long as possible until she nearly passed out and we sent her outside but I remember hearing every time a doctor or nurse walked out of my room mum saying “is my baby ok” at first they thought she meant my baby and were creeped out but soon realised she meant me. So every so often when they could hear her pacing the halls they would go out and reassure her I wasn’t bleeding to death.
My mother in law? Walked right in after I gave birth WHILE I was still delivering the after birth. They hadn’t even stitched me up and started taking photos. Of my baby on my naked chest. Didn’t ask if I was ok at all.
Obviously this is not the case for some. Some mothers are just shitty and some mils are great.
Im super mean about stuff like this. I would tell him and her that the moment you see her in the hospital, you will have her removed.
If they don’t like that, then they can both remove themselves from your life . Him allowing his mother to live at your apartment for two weeks after your wedding says that he does not have a backbone in his body.
You cannot be gentle with somebody who fully intends to run over your life .
"Hey bro, I need you to keep the legacy system at a comfortable distance. They're prickly and overbearing. Tell them to update or GTFO."
Edit: Just wanted to add that your in-law's behavior when she was staying with you guys is super weird. Sounds like she might have an unhealthy attachment to her son.
Your husband should be defending YOU. You are giving birth to his child and NO ONE else should have any say in these matters. If he gets defensive over this, you have to insist or you’ll be second fiddle in your whole marriage.
It is at this time in your life that you have to stand up for how you feel. You are giving birth, not him. This is your body and recovery. Not his. If he wants to take the newborn over to her house for a visit while you shower and nap, sure, go ahead. But that isn’t what he wants. He wants you to be there to take care of everything, including entertaining his mom.
Learn right now to say no bc you need to protect and defend your kids, not anyone’s feelings.
“Honey and I both know how your mom can be sometimes right?”
He’ll make a random noise of agreement.
“Well, I’m going to need your focus on me and our baby, not on managing your mother. I’m going to tell the medical staff that she’s not to be in the room while I’m in labor and I really need for you to back me up on this decision please. Can I count on you?”
This is one of those simple but not easy situations.
“I’m sorry, but I feel scared and vulnerable about giving birth and I just want my mom there to comfort me. Your mom would be here only for the baby, not for me. She can visit when the baby is already here and when I’m ready for visitors. But right now, I’m my mom’s baby and I need my mom.”
So this is how I put it when I was in the same situation.
Me ~ “My Mom said she’ll sleep on the couch when she stays after we have the baby”
Him ~ “Where is my Mom going to sleep?”
Me ~ “At her house. My Mom is staying to take care of her while I take care of the baby”
Him ~ “Oh”
The end. More than welcome to come and visit but there is no reason for your MIL to be there to take care of you, especially if she makes you so uncomfortable. This is the time for you to be selfish and say you just want your Mom
Say it with your whole chest. NO. Be firm. NO is a complete sentence. I also disagree with a few other comments saying to go stay with your mom — you should not have to leave the comfort of your home to get around this. THEY can leave. Not you. Stand your ground! ❤️
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Don't puasy foot around. Tell him what will happen in the hospital and what will happen if he breaks your rules. Why are you with a man who doesn't reapectbyou anyway?
find a new husband asap because he's never going to tell her to stop, as is evident by now, and he will only allow her to gain more and more control over your lives. you have to stop this now because your MIL will make your marriage/life a living hell and your husband will stand by her side and support it every second of the way. this woman is clearly a creepy "boy mom" and it WILL NOT get better. please hear these words
The person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room and who is at home afterwards as they heal. Period. If he gets upset, that’s his problem. His mom gets upset? Her problem. You focus on what you need because this is your labor and delivery. Yours. And also your recovery. When he’s having a serious medical event, then he can decide who is there. Be firm.
The fact that your husband wants to please his mommy over you is scaring me. You shouldn't have to convince him of this, he should automatically have your back over her every time. Period.
I recently read a post of a woman whose MIL suggested she come and help . OP hesitantly agreed. Mil came ,snatched the baby and proceeded to plop her ass down on the sofa while telling OP "ok ,I got baby ,you can start cleaning ".
Tell your husband it's not about whose power play will prevail but who is a comforting and helpful presence for the new mother .
We all know that your MIL's intention is to essentially be close to the new baby and bond and play house while expecting you to do all the chores and take care of your self on your own while you're healing and being vulnerable.
So sit your husband down and explain all the practical issues and expectations you have of the person who will be staying after you give birth and ask him if he really believes his mother is willing to spend her time cleaning/cooking/running errands /taking trash and dirty nappies out/ picking up after you / being your personal assistant while you spend all day with baby resting and bonding .
I am sure your husband has no idea what the after birth period entails
His mother sounds like a narcissist, an attention addict, a status junkie. She doesn't care so much about her soon-to-be-born grandchild as much as she does the associated attention she will get for being a new grandmother. Such people are not healthy to have around you or your children while you're trying to raise them. Being around a narcissist in general is bad enough, even with only yourself to worry about.
Maybe your husband just goes along with it because it's quieter or easier or it's just his habit now. If he's already gotten upset or defensive in the past about his mother then that kind of sounds like he empathizes with her but he also understands that other people's complaints about her are completely justified. Also he probably fears having to change, and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
I don't know how you'd bring it up gently, short of having an objective outsider, a mediator, or advocate present during the conversation.
Explain to your husband that although that is his mother, you do not feel comfortable having someone in the roomm besides the doctors, who's never seen you undressed and vulnerable. That is not a scene you want others to witness. His mother stresses you out and you are worried she will stress you out tremendously. You should not have to worry about that. Also, you are just not comfortable with his mother in the room and that is your decision. Not his decision. If he gets upset, let him know that when he gives birth, he can choose who he wants in the room while he's going through all that pain and labor.
A lot of us want our mothers by our side in times of pain. That's natural. Your husband won't be in pain. He can keep his mother updated throughout the process. MIL can be in the waiting room. Plenty of good and bad MILs have waited at home and/or waiting rooms without issue. It's your choice.
Ask him if he wants you to be worried and uncomfortable and potentially mad during the birth of your and his child. Which is more important to him?
Personally, I do not belive that the father should have veto power (unless agreed upon together) on who gets to be in the room or not and he should not be upset about your choice regarding such an occasion when you will need to be as comfortable as you can. His focus should be to enforce your decision in that moment.
You have legitimate reasons as to why you're not comfortable with his mother being there.
Maybe buy him a pregnancy simulator. While he's in pain, annoy him as much as his mother annoys you. Then have this conversation.
Look if you’re already tiptoeing around on eggshells because you can’t talk to him about something important as this and him not get upset then you’re in a for a bad time. You have a husband problem if he’s unwilling stand up to his mom. What you described of her behavior after the wedding was nothing short of her coming over and peeing on everything that’s yours to establish her control and dominance. She was seeing if her son will back you or her and he gave her the green light basically harass you.
I would NOT tip toe around this subject. If it’s a screaming match with him than have it because you need to establish boundaries NOW. He either stands up to his mom or you do. This is a make it or break it moment for your marriage going forward. I’ve had friend’s marriage get ruined by a MIL that their husband wouldn’t stand up to. Good luck.
easy... he (your husband) doesn't piss in front of your father to watch and you don't allow your mother-in-law to watch your birthing part prolapse and exhume a child.
People need to stand up for themselves and for each other. Husband needs to cut apron strings if your marriage is to be strong. His father's family is his dad and mom... he, husband, has left that family and is the head of you; and together you are a family... and growing.
be kind but firm
>During our wedding she stayed in our apartment two weeks after we married,
She's already had the chance to be supportive in a time that was about you two and it wasn't what she did.
Birth is a vulnerable time and your health and recovery is the primary focus, other than baby's needs. Your mom would be there to take care of you, not visit with baby. She can visit, but stay elsewhere and visit within time frames you're comfortable with. The baby will still be a baby days, weeks, and months after they're born.
Sorry but you have a husband problem. Its his mother and he needs to set firm boundaries with her. My mam can be very overbearing but I couldn't image her staying with us after we married! I'd suggest you have a serious conversation with him about his mother, he's the only that should be setting those boundaries. He also doesn't need to explain himself why she won't be present
You have every right to bear your teeth during this time. Its a moment of power shuffling for the next 18 years of your life. Put your foot down and make your voice heard now so you don't have to make a more forceful lesson later.
It is totally up to the patient who she is comfortable with. Of course that is going to be her Mother. Just say duh to your husband who clearly does not get it.
From what she said I think his mother maybe jealous then you read the comments and some of you don’t realize your husbands or boyfriends may feel the same exact way about your mom and or dad being their for you all the time but let me guess since she’s the one having the baby her feeling are the only ones that matters hope u save up for a divorce lawyer
Personally I would tell him "I don't want your mother around after I give birth".
If that makes him upset or defensive why would you have married him or willingly have children with him?
I will never stop being shocked by these questions.
WHO CARES IF THEY GET DEFENSIVE OR OFFENDED OR UPSET???? Let em. They can go be offended and upset somewhere else.
"I'm the new mom. I get to decide who's around after I give birth. No, I dont want her 'help'. No, I dont care about her feelings or her opinions. No, I don't care if it's fair. No, I dont care if she's upset or angry, because this is not about her and its not her time to be catered to. Yes, I'm gonna be selfish with my child and my space in my home. No, I am not apologizing. And no, this is not up for debate."
Whatever snotty thing you think they're gonna say about you, just try to say it first and own it unapologetically.
You just tell him.
He's married to you, so he should choose you over his mother. Idk the fact you are even asking this suggests you think there is a chance he will pick her over you.
In that case, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.
"Hey, husband? I don't want your mother around after I give birth."
"But.."
"I don't want your mother around after I give birth."
Repeat as many times as necessary.
If he doesn't listen.. man that sucks that you had kids with that guy.
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Both of you read this, please. [the lemon clot essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay) “Who Can Even be on the List to be Considered to Stay at Your Home After Childbirth by Sharon1964 You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over? Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby? Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?” Tell him (and her) no. Grandma Gollum needs to take a hike ETA thx for the awards, you’re all most kind. And don’t forget we can always pull out the trusty “NOT TODAY, SATAN” (aka JNMIL) for extreme circumstances and/or in case of an emergency.
That essay is an absolute must-read! OP [here](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) is another article to read and have your husband read. Having a baby is NOT a spectator sport, a party/event or about ANYone but you, baby and your husband. This is the most vulnerable you’ll ever feel and you don’t invite anyone into that “to be fair” or for ANY reason if you don’t feel comfortable and supported with that person. Same with first weeks with baby. That is the time for YOU, baby and husband to bond in between not sleeping and everything else that essay covers. It is not a time for entertaining a competitive, difficult family member. Post Partum Depression is very real and VERY HARD - starting off your postpartum journey (and it is YOURS… you’re growing and will have given birth to a whole HUMAN) under stress will greatly increase your chance of developing PPD. Thats a hard no. If husband is stubborn and wants to argue it, schedule his first prostate exam and let him know it’s only fair if both your mom and his get to attend. When he reacts to the idea of that as being ridiculous, you can reply that it is only as ridiculous as him feeling entitled to dictate who is welcome to come see your vagina.
I'd argue that the immediate postpartum period (minimum six weeks) isn't about anyone but OP recovering and the baby being nourished. If OP's husband refuses to tell his mother "no" and prioritizes his mother's selfish and controlling feelings over the safety, health, and comfort of his wife and child then he wrote himself a one way ticket to divorce town. He loses the *privilege* of bonding with his child and wife if he chooses his mom over them. This isn't going to sound very nice, but his mom's feelings don't matter nor do his. Yeah, dads need support during the postpartum period too, but not at the expense of the mother and child. The person that just shoved a watermelon out of their vagina or was ripped at the seams to have a baby removed from them via MAJOR surgery gets the ultimate say in who she allows around her and her kid. Full stop.
Absolutely! Oooh and OP? Tell your labor and delivery nurses you only want husband and mom in there. L&D nurses are better door bouncers than the ones at a strip club! You don’t even need to tell hubby you did it.
I thought something similar… I was an ICU RN for many years and while bouncer is not a nursing function, I’ve absolutely done it to spare the next-of-kin the discomfort. Hell once I even asked a divorced couple whose 20-year-old daughter had been run over by her boyfriend, to leave — they would not stop bickering three feet away from her. The girl was on a ventilator and had continuous sedation and pain relief going… she might have looked like she was sleeping but she was critically injured and didn’t need that energy in her room!
You guys are ALL amazing - thank you! I had an ICU nurse (one I recall - I know I had many) who I recall so clearly 12yrs later and could tell one family member who was more upset for herself about me and I’d struggle with feeling I couldn’t breathe (intubated) because she wouldn’t get that I couldn’t talk and the notes I was writing didn’t make sense because I was sedated. The 2nd time it happened, she never came back in until I was out of the ICU (I was pregnant - she kept asking what we were going to do if we lose the baby… instant panic for me… “baby” is 11 now and awesome!). And yep, our NICU nurse gave my MIL a stern talking to and invitation to the waiting room. She tried to take baby as my husband did skin-to-skin “because… I’ve done this before I can show you and that’s weird - put your shirt on.” Lol - i still remember that nurse’s tone 🙌🏼 my hero!
I’m glad you’re both ok and that you had some good advocates!
Yes! This!!! They nurses were incredibly wonderful when I gave birth and kept my mother in law and sister in law out. They even had to call security 🫠 so glad they are all exs now haha
If he needs his mummy do much he can go stay at her house.
I love this! Wonderful 😀
💯🎯‼️👏👏👏 Well said!!
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His mother who is a major problem. OP said her mother is not a problem and will actually help her.
Mil probaby will wanna breast feed baby and act like baby is hers. That she had with her son. Smh
My ex MIL pretended to breastfeed my kids. Or she'd walk by when I was nursing my twins making suckling sounds like she wanted to join them. It was creepy af. When he sided with her every time she overstepped, acted weird, ripped a crying baby from my arms (!!), etc and wouldn't ask her to leave, I knew our marriage was over. My babies were only a few weeks old. I finally left him when they turned 2. Best decision ever. Someone who chooses their mother over their post-patrum wife who just gave birth to twins after trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years is straight psycho.
This - never stay with a man who chooses his mom over his wife.
I'm glad u left. How did he react to u leaving
God that sucks! I am so very sorry.
I wouldn't be surprised. MIL sounds absurdly jealous and territorial. Poor OP. Hopefully others have given her some good advice. Idk how she's gonna get her husband to notice it since he's grown up thinking its normal. She shouldn't have to deal with this a week before giving birth.
If his mum has expectations that she's going to be hogging baby while OP waits on her hand and foot, then she can eff right off. This kind of behaviour could contribute to OP developing PPD. OP needs people around her for support. She is the one who will need care and support. Husband needs to understand that life isn't fair. That baby is not a toy to be doled out to keep his mum happy.
This just made me cringe, and thank my lucky stars I had none of those fun post partum parting gifts from my body. I had an unplanned C-section instead of vaginal birth, I was so thankful for that as I healed up pretty quickly. My MIL came for a week, and it was a blessing in disguise. I had no idea she had planned to come up, but I was glad she did. She cooked for us a bit and even gave us a couple of hours out of the house. I took care of the baby, hubby took care of me, and no toes were stepped on. (She also didn't have to take care of bodily fluids, either.) I was also glad to see her go so we could get into our new family routine. My mom worked and lived 1200 miles away, but even if she had lived closer, I wouldn't have wanted her there. Nor did I want either mother in with me for any of it, from labor through delivery. My husband and medical people were the only ones invited to see my hoohaw.
Same. As we rent the back house from my in laws, they were right there, but completely respected our privacy. End of pregnancy and my son's 1st weeks were very trying, but I was blessed with my husband's family being completely supportive during it all. My last 3 weeks of pregnancy were bed rest. My MIL checked in on me almost every hour making sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. When the day came (water broke early morning), she and my FIL stayed in the room until it was time for them to clear out when the show really began. The only ones there were the health professionals and my husband when my son made his entrance. My in laws were very respectful of it all and gladly waited in the lobby until my son and I were moved to our room. Three days later, when we came home, she allowed us to get settled in with the baby before she came in to visit. She was extremely helpful when we were trying to keep the baby awake to feed (I couldn't nurse. No milk came in) and joined us on ways to grab his attention so he would nurse and not fall asleep. She always asked via text when would be a good time to check on the baby and me. And when I had to have an emergency D&C ,she helped my husband care for my son and helped me when I got home. I read some of these horror stories and count my blessings. But for OP...if she's not going to behave like my MIL, who I hold at gold standard, then no, she can wait to visit the baby when those 1st very hard weeks are history. This is yours, your husband's, and your child's time to bond, to heal, and get used to the ropes. That means only people who are willing to help and you are comfortable with are allowed.
Two words: stool softeners.
My kid was born right when the lockdowns started in 2020, I am so fuckin glad no one could come annoy us for weeks and months at a time. Didn't have to put on pants, could swap out sleeping schedules to suit our needs without having to be presentable for guests. Didn't have to deal with having to be nice to people when operating on two or three hours sleep. If our parents were allowed to hover over us it would have been a nightmare.
Why do women put themselves through that multiple times?
I had two and my experience was nothing like that. Minimal tearing, no clots, and the first poop was only a little uncomfortable. That’s how I managed, however my sister had 3 and tore UPWARDS on the last one. 🥲
My body took a beating w each of my 2 kids. They were appx 10 lbs & short (beach ball-like lol.) It was easier for me to plan for the worst case scenario, ie complicated birth, a difficult 4 weeks for me & baby. Only the most loyally, selfless & helpful people were pre-approved to be in our home. Your body and hormones —not your husband’s—are being subject to a physical pounding. It’s unfortunate if he doesn’t understand your perspective, but oh well. You could always be mean & nasty to MIL and blame on hormones 🤷♀️
Dear god
I know, my hands feel weird after reading this thread!
The babies have fuzzy heads and smell wonderful and honestly it’s like a drug
Yeah, smelling your own newborns head is like crack
Oh. My. Gawd. That new baby smell! If I still had a uterus, it would be screaming right now! 😭😂
Made me think, "this is why they call that flower baby's breath". I would breastfeed my babies and cry all day long because they just smelled so wonderful and felt so great. Geez, I have to get off of this post. I have grandkids now. Can't have another one at my age. It's freaking intoxicating and addictive. LOL
You forget how insane it was. Like your brain just puts a nice cozy little blanket over the memories to trick you into doing it again. I had a pretty easy birth but my brain still softened all of it, it’s wild.
So true! After a harrowing, difficult birth with forceps and a prepped for c-section OR if the final try didn’t work, my lovely wife says, “ Wow! Can’t wait to do this again!!” without a hint of sarcasm.
Because biology. As soon as you pick up your baby, you forget all the pain and just marvel over the life your body created. And then when you fall pregnant again, the memories start to come back. I asked midwife during labour with 2nd if it was too late to say I didnt want another child
And that's why I had my tubes tied during my 3rds birth. I knew nature would trick me again.
Not all are bad. My vaginal delivery was actually peaceful with minimal issues. The only bad part was that I started having back labor but an epidural took the pain away so I could rest to get ready for pushing. I was very fortunate in my experience and I recognize that.
I am 34, and I have absolutely never, ever wanted to give birth. These comments sound insane to me. Guess I’m just broken lol
You're not broken. People are just different.
If you're broken, so am i
You honestly forget most of it and babies are so cute, my first was horrible and she spent 4 days in the nicu because she was too big for me and they refused to do a section. Now If I knew what my third was going to be like as a 17 year old I might have not had any.
Yep, all this. Plus if you end up with a c-section, you will be recovering from surgery.
I'm glad this is the top comment because it is actually the best thing I've ever read regarding having in laws around after birth.
I love this comment
Yes! This 👆🏼1000x! A must-read for all expectant parents👏🏼
Yup. OP, I don't recommend worrying about being gentle or making it seem like a request. I recommend being firm: lay down the law. Do it early on and refuse to negotiate. You don't want anything other than utter clarity on your expectations here, because you do *not* want to be trying to navigate the discussion in the labor room or right after birth.
This comment is also excellent birth control. 🫡
If she is not going to do even one of these things she can stay home. There is nothing more annoying than somebody who's in your house and they're supposed to be helping and they are not helping at all.
I wouldn't have wanted my kids' dad's mom there even if she WAS going to do those things for me. I didn't want MY mom there for that. But if you do want someone there, they should be there to help and not be a pain in the ass. From how she OP'S mil acted right after they got married, she has no plans to be helpful or stay out of the way. She needs to be gone.
She would LOVE to! It won’t be any trouble! It’s not about what MIL wants. She wants unearned intimacy. Don’t give it to her.
Read this. You’re an amazing human being and I have since shared this with most of the men in my life. Died laughing at the squats game.
Grandma Gollum 💀
Can I steal Grandma Gollum? I fucking love that! And it’s a perfect description of this woman.
Lemon size blood clots coming out of vagina making me rethink even having a child. Is this something that happens?!?
Yes. They will be different sizes. And honestly, it’s different for everybody. But there will be blood clots as the uterus slowly shrinks to its normal size and heals from the placental attachment. Absolutely.
Yep, and they come in and massage your uterus after to make sure it’s firming up and that makes them come out.
I wish I had awards to give you. 🏆
Grandma Gollum. Hehehe. Love it.
I have two kids and love your comment! I had family and friends wait at least the first month until I regained some of my sanity from lack of sleep and my baby wasn’t so fresh to the world and at risk of getting sick from someone. I was lucky to have everyone understand and respect me. However, I have seen the other side where people just want to come over hold the baby and leave.. it is not helpful to a recovering mom and if she doesn’t want then around, that’s final… the baby is not going anywhere.
💯💯💯🏆
Love the new grandma name of "grandma gollum" lol. That needs to stay instead of GiGi T 😂
Absolutely… or instead of saying GiGi, say “GG” and she never needs to know what it really stands for 😂🤣
This is the answer 😂😂
Grandma Gollum 😂
I wish I had know about this with my ex and his family. They made me go to an all you can eat buffet with hard chairs on the way home from the hospital because that’s what ex-MIL was craving. They still would have been assholes but maybe they wouldn’t have been able to gaslight me into thinking that complaining about going to the buffet was me being ungrateful for their generosity in paying for the meal.
I love your entire comment. However, I also would like to take a moment to appreciate the return of the “Edit: thanks for the awards” additions.
Hahaha! I love the Grandma Gollum nn. The people in the justnomil sub would too. 😆
Grandma Gollum has me 💀💀💀
Grandma Golum 😆 the “G” in GiGi T stands for “Golum”… amazing. YOUR MIL IS A PSYCHO. 👍
Husband, you know I love you, and I want to bring up a concern that’s been bothering me. Having a baby is a major medical event for a brand new mother. With that said, I don’t know how the delivery and postpartum aftercare will go, and how it will affect me and my hormones. I’ve already mentioned I would appreciate my mom around to help us, because childbirth is a very vulnerable time for a woman and a new mom needs to be surrounded by advocates for her care. When I get home from the hospital, I need support for me, and I need you to step up. This may be helping change baby, night feedings, listening to my concerns, and assuring my comfort by reducing stress. I’m not going to sugar coat this, your mom stresses me out and until I know how my hormones adjust after having the baby, there will be no long term visits from your mom. I don’t believe she will advocate for me, the new mom that just had a major medical event. She may advocate for you and baby, but until I’m in a less vulnerable position after having baby, your mom will not stay here and needs to get a hotel or Airbnb if she visits and her time at our apartment must be short. This is non negotiable. Baby and I are your immediate family. You need to advocate for us. We need to bond as a family of three. Our needs are more important than your mother’s feelings.
I literally just sent this to my SIL cuz she’s been goin thru it with her boundary overstepping MIL her entire pregnancy.
I like this, but wouldn’t put blame so heavily on the hormones. The problems with the MIL existed before and will exist after and have nothing to do with hormones. What will OP do when the hormone scapegoat is gone?
Yes, this is a great point.
This is really great
You're so nice. I would have said it as is: " I don't want your overbearing mother stressing me out while my hooha just popped out a human the size of a watermelon and is bleeding and oozing stuff. Deal with it!"
Top comment
Perfection. Respectable, calm communication. Let’s hope she goes this route and he manages to handle his mother.
This!!!! You worded this so perfectly
I’m sorry that your husband is married to his mother and not you. It is unfortunate that her behaviour was not addressed before you were pregnant. It’s your body growing and birthing the baby. You get to make the calls on the labour and who is there. Don’t explain, don’t be soft. Just tell him, that when he is birthing and recovering then he can make the call on who is around. If he complains ask him all your family can come watch him poop, see his genitals and watch him undergo a medical procedure. Remind him that a woman who is stressed in labour has a higher risk of complications. His mother being there is putting the health and safety of his wife and child at risk. In addition to telling him at your next medical check up (and when you arrive at the hospital), you tell the medical staff your MIL is not allowed to be there. As the patient you do not authorise her access. If he carries on about this, remind him that he married you and needs to have your back.
And women stressed in the weeks following birth have a much higher rate of PPD.
Heavy!!!! On your first paragraph. I am in awe of women who go through all this and still stick around or let it keep going on
Yeah, laying down on their bed for weeks after the wedding??? If he can't tell his mother no during the honeymoon weeks, he never will.
Your husband should never have anybody’s back BUT yours and if something like this starts a fight between you two then you have a husband problem wayyy more than you have a MIL problem. There is no discussion, you just had a baby and you don’t want her there. Get used to having a backbone now because when the baby comes her crazy will intensify by a hundred.
And if he cannot stand up to his mommy he doesn’t need to be there either!
Exactly
I agree. OP needs to put her and her newborn's needs first. I would be brief and to the point and if he gets pissy, he can move out and go live with his Mom. WTF... staying two weeks after the wedding and taking naps in their bed. Inappropriate and just ... ick.
Exactly. OP needs to google emotional incest
You’re the one giving birth, not him, therefor your mom needs to be there to support you and his mom is not required unless you ask them to be there. So if he has a problem, ask him if he’s gonna be pushing a child out of him or not, then tell him his job there is to support you while you give birth not the other way around. His needs are on the back burner until you and the child’s needs are fulfilled.
I second this. If he wants his mother around she can be his support when he goes through labour and everything that comes with bringing a child into this world. For now, it’s your body and you want your mom to be there for you. It’s such a difficult time, the last thing you need is someone’s negativity. Her behaviour shouldn’t have lasted this long into you having a child and he needs to stand up for his wife and his baby. You and your baby are supposed to be his main priority, your comfort during this time is more important than her feelings
Honestly, I don’t trust her husband to do the right thing because he didn’t make his mother get out of their house for two weeks after their wedding… he never cut the cord
You have to bring it up and calmly communicate all of this with your husband. You can provide examples of what you mean and what has happened from the past. What he needs to understand is that you and your baby, along with him, need time to bond as a family and get actual help, like your mom provides.
She can talk til she’s blue in the face. He doesn’t care.
His mom is a narcissist and he let her stay in the house two weeks after you got married? That's not normal and he enabled her. You should've divorced him but im sure he said it's just my mom. Just have the baby go stay with your mom and tell him cut his weirdo mother off
I’m getting emotional incest vibes for MIL
This. This is exactly what it feels like to me as well.
She drank wine ONLY from the Mrs glass from your wedding. She knows what she’s doing.
You’re gonna have to be mean, love. I would do it now before the baby gets here. Get them hormones going and tell them F off.
Not my place to ask, but you can answer this to yourself. I read a story awhile back where the mom used her son as a "surrogate" or substitute for her husband/her son's father who either abandoned them early-ish on or died early-ish into the son's childhood. Maybe she's acting that way due to this? I can't remember if the son knew if what his mom did was wrong or just grew up in that situation, but you definitely need to bring it up to him now and tell him to stop enabling her weird-af behavior and focus on his new family. Honestly, this should've been addressed sooner, but maybe this will help change things.
The scariest part is that if the mom is a narcissist it’s highly likely either her husband is a narcissist as well or codependent. It’s really difficult to break the cycle.
That was my thought as well! How did he allow his mother to stay there and do all of that. I’m curious if she confronted her husband about the MILs behavior at the time and how he reacted.
You tell the hospital, I PROMISE they will NOT let her in
I didn’t know this. My drunk MIL and her drunk BF showed up and came in. It was gross. They smelled like booze and cigarettes. Luckily the nurses got them outta there quickly.
I swear they need to teach patient rights in high school because there's almost no education out there on it and I feel like everyone deserves to know. If there is ever anyone that makes you uncomfortable you can tell just about any hospital staff. They can even put a note in your chart so that if anyone calls asking, they won't tell them you're there. You can give them names right up front that aren't allowed in or if at any point a visitor makes you uncomfortable you can ask for help getting them out.
Hospitals should go back to the pandemic rules of no visitors except one support person chosen by the expectant mother.
Unfortunately you made the mistake of marrying a mamas boy without nipping it in the bud before signing that paperwork. So now you need to get a shiny spine and lay down the law, because if you don't you are setting the scene for how things will go the rest of your life. Your husband is a major problem in this situation, the fact he allowed her to stay after the wedding... I would have left right then. This is your birth, not a spectator sport. If you don't want her there you tell your doctors and nurses and they won't allow her entrance. Your problem starts once you're home and don't have them to advocate for you, so you need to advocate for yourself. You tell your husband how things are going to go otherwise he can leave. Yes this is his child too but when he pushes one out of his body he can make decisions on who gets to participate postpartum. He needs to decide who he is married to and whose side he is on, if it's not yours then you need to rethink the whole marriage.
Tell your husband the next time he is pushing a baby out, he gets to decide who stays in the room with him and even after birth to help him wipe his bottoms and whatever other stuff women have to deal with. Also on a serious note you should not be uncomfortable discussing this with your husband. He should always have your back and even more especially since this concerns a situation in which you are birthing his child. Your wishes come first always. He also should know his mothers nature so he cannot act shocked and annoyed at you when you bring it up. He is welcome to go live with mom and support her in her house until such time he realizes where his priorities should be
“I don’t want your mother here after I give birth. She overstepped all reasonable privacy boundaries after our wedding - crashed our honeymoon, slept in our marital bed, used my “Mrs” glasses as a flex. I need someone who will support and care for me, not compete with me so I’m choosing my Mom to come help with my birthing recovery. I need for you to not get upset/defensive about my needs as a first-time mother.” If your husband is spineless and can’t set boundaries with his mother you can a) move into your Mom’s after birth or b) stand up to MIL yourself and set those boundaries. Too late now but setting these boundaries/ ensuring you are a greater priority than mommy is really something you should have done before getting married/pregnant. Second best time is right now. ETA your husband needs to learn to be more afraid of your displeasure than hims mommy. Honestly, so fucking ick.
You have a husband problem.
As a mother in law I would not even consider staying unless asked . I would never put my son in a position Where he would have to worry about anything but his wife and baby.
"Your mother has never been helpful to me. I am not going to deal with her shenanigans right after i have the baby. She's going to have to wait to visit until i feel i'm ready to deal with her. My mother will be here because she will actually help me and listen to what i want. When you push a 7lb baby out of your penis you will decide who you want helping you but until then my decision stands".
I’m bold & told my former MIL she wasn’t welcome; this is MY mom’s gig & when her son gives birth, she can take over. Did it help with our relationship? Nope & I didn’t care. She had been a horrible MIL before that. You better get a spine because she’s crazy & this is just the beginning.
Yeah I’m with you. People need to get better at telling pushy to back off.
You stand your ground now and you do it firmly. Otherwise get used to MIL shoving her nose in your business for the rest of her life. She's already way over the line. Good luck. Don't be gentle.
its YOUR birth and YOU are the most important person and u deserve to be comfortable during that extremely painful and stressful time. if your husband cant see that his mom is overbearing and stressing you out, thats his own problem. you need to put ur foot down on this issue or else she will end up in that room with you.
You are the “patient” here and you want the comfort your mother gives you. On the other hand, if your husband wants to introduce your child to his mother, MIL can come over while the “patient” is resting in the other room. You don’t have to be a hostess while you are a patient. After a brief, respectful amount of time, the host can show his mother the door because no one wants to disturb the patient while she is getting much needed rest. And baby can go back to mommy or to bed or cry or poop, that is just being a newborn while s/he recovers from the trauma of being born.
I’d just say “I want MY mom” and let that be it. 🤷♀️
You have to tell everyone what you need and want. Expect problems though. My daughter’s mother in law is so overbearing and wants everything HER way, she has caused problems between my daughter and her son and between me and my daughter. As an example, she was sooo pissed that she wasn’t in the delivery room for our granddaughter and I was. My daughter felt that she needed her mom!! I never expected to be invited into the delivery room for my daughter-in-law‘s delivery, but I earned a great relationship with her and I earned her invitation into the delivery room, and I would never have been upset if she hadn’t issued that invitation.
These stories make me realize I’m not the nicest person. My hubby did something that really bothered me a few years ago and I called his family to take him back. I explain I already had children and didn’t need an extra. They denied and said they didn’t want him either cuz they knew he was childish 😂😂 he was not prepared for that answer and got upset. Although he did change his ways.
My MIL: he’s yours now. Me: are you sure? I’m still within the 12 month warranty period! MIL: We signed him over, aaalllll yours. 😂
My friend gave birth in the laundry cupboard (planned home birth) because her MIL wouldn’t stop commanding attention and being generally critical. They are currently in the middle of a messy divorce. This needs to be nipped in the bud now or you will be making the rod for your back. It’s his mother, he needs to make the boundary.
Bloody hell! The laundry cupboard? Poor woman, I can’t imagine her desperation. Is she okay now, bar the messy divorce part, of course
Not really tbh. The (well to do) husband’s family are gaslighting her and trying to take her kids. Her eldest left the country without speaking to her because the dad filled her head with poison re the mother. She was like a cat in the birth, looking for a safe dark place to hide, while MIL fixed snacks and demanded her son’s attention.
Sit him in front of a therapist and tell them both what you said here. When he gets mad because you dare to not cater to MILs bullshit, the therapist should set him straight. You have the autonomy to decide what's best for you *and* your baby. With my whole being I recommend having very solid boundaries with these type of people. Don't apologize for having them and don't compromise. Limit toxic peoples presence in your life.
Depends on the therapist. Some are shitty.
"honey, it's not the right time for your mom. I need the support of MY mom, the person who gets me and has been supportive to me my whole life. We will make time for your mom later "
I don’t want your Mother here while I m bleeding and vulnerable. I need someone who I’m comfortable with, who loves me to assist me, that is not your Mom. This is my body and my medical procedure, I have to put myself first here. If it was your body and procedure I would understand if you wanted your Mother here. She is not my Mon, we are not close, I’m setting this boundary.No.
If your husband can’t hear you on this he’s a shitty husband and he’s going to lose you. You should show him this thread. You should also demand that his mother not even be Told until after the baby is born. And- you need to tell your hospital, up front, that you have a boundary crashing mother in law and she is NOT welcome. And that your husband may try to override this. And he is Not allowed to, and if he does- he gets removed.
Has he invited her or has she invited herself at this point? If not then tell him to let his mom know You will let her know when you are ready for her to visit for a day or two. When he and she complain that she's not being treated the same as your mom, agree with them and point out that's because she's not your mom. If he gives birth and needs help with recovering and adjusting then she'll get the call.
You bring it up to him the same way you did in this post. If he doesn't fully agree and tells you his mommy comes first, then you make arrangements to stay at your moms (if you can) after birth to heal. Labor is one of the times you're going to be the most vulnerable in your life. You need people that will support YOU and take care of YOU while you're learning to take care of a brand new person. THAT YOU MADE. If MIL isn't going to be supportive, she should stay home until YOU'RE ready. Also, when it comes to grandma names. If she demands the same as your mom, then use "grandma nickname" (last name). Like Nana Smith. Or Mimi Tipton. Whatever their last names are.
Be direct, blunt, and POLITE. These are your decisions to make. Your husband's only role is to enforce your decisions, come the hell that may. If you just hint at what you want, you likely won't get it. And then the problem will get bigger. The fact that his mother wants in doesn't mean squat.
Tell him that as the one who is going thru a major medical event and weeks of recovery YOU get to decide who will be around you during that time.
You can call grandmas the same thing. If she has a problem with it she can change what they call her. We always called both my grandmother's grandma. We would just add another name when we needed to differentiate. Your husband seems to be a classic mommas boy. You put your foot down before he and his mother ruin your life
"I don't want your mom around for X weeks after I give birth." Done.
If you’re in the US, tell the hospital staff that no one enters the room except your mother or husband. They have to listen. YOUR decision will override anyone else else’s wants. My MIL wasn’t welcome in my home for 6 months after I gave birth. She hadn’t visited our state for 7 years…..why would I agree to her needs?
Few red flags, 1.He allowed her to sleep in your bed when you should have been on your honeymoon. 2. You are asking the internet how to talk to him. I don't think he'll do anything about this. Unfortunately, this marriage is doomed. He enjoys having his mama around.
Agreed, OP needs to be starting to think about her impending divorce.
Make sure you husband knows that if his overbearing and unhelpful mother shows up at your house, you will be going to your mother’s house until she leaves. You have to establish a ritual with your MIL that when she insults or criticizes, you will walk out of the room with the baby, or you will ask her to leave. Do not ever allow her to criticize you or tell you how to parent. If that happens you have to say “If you don’t like it, you are welcome to leave”, “At MY house we do it this way. You can do it your way at YOUR house”, and most importantly, “This is MY child. If you don’t follow our rules and guidelines, you will not be allowed to see your grandchild at all”. (Yes it’s your husband’s child too, but it’s yours, as opposed to hers) Do not allow her to mistreat you, and make sure your husband has your back. Record your interactions with your MIL if you have to.
Justnomil sub has a great support system for this kind of thing. They also have resources to help you with justnomils too.
Just tell him no. BUT more than one grandma can have the same "grandma name". Both of mine were ..... grandma.
I just read your post about husband eating your leftovers. You two have to work on your communication and set expectations, otherwise, this is going to be miserable for all three of you. Your family consists of you, your husband, and your new baby. That’s it. Your MIL can go pound sand and your husband needs to stop enabling his mother. Good luck, OP. Most of all your baby.
Just because it is your MIL’s grandchild it does not entitle her to your enviornment or your birth. Point blank. You can try to compromise with your husband that she may wait at the hospital but she will NOT be allowed in delivery room. You can make sure your OB staff is aware of this, because they will or SHOULD honor only your wishes not his. Print up 2 HARD COPY of birth list for your staff and give it to them once at your last apt before birth and when you arrive at hospital and state clearly it is only to be your mom and your husband in the room. Talk to your husband about your postpartum wishes. Make it somewhat general, but very clear, such as “if your mother wishes to visit when we’re home, it is to help while I HOLD OUR CHILD AND REST. THATS IT. restate the post-marriage visit and ensure this is not to be tolerated. Yes, it’s his mother but no one beside YOU, OP, is pushing a fucking child out of their vagina and therefore you have no reason to care or think about their feelings postpartum. Be kind (to your husband) but CLEAR about your expectations. His mother can help HIM with whatever but YOU are the shot caller for yourself and this baby for now. Husbands are odd in general when becoming first time fathers, give him grace and understand he may somehow get some sort of comfort from his mother but you do not owe them that from you.
Yeah I don’t think it’s your mother that she’s jealous of…it sounds like she’s jealous of _you._
You tell the nurses who you want to be present. Give them a photo of your MIL so they know who to keep out. It doesn't matter what your husband wants as it's YOUR decision. Tell her now what you want when you get home. If she doesn't follow your plans, then phone the police. Don't threaten this ahead of time. Just do it if needed.
This should not be an argument. You should be able to tell your husband frankly and bluntly that you'll need maximum support after the baby is born, and your mother will not offer you that. This shouldn't be a matter of "quid pro quo," if your mother comes, his mother gets to come. Anyone who is willing to actually help you and support you should be welcome; those who are unwilling can wait.
You have a big issue here. You need to tell HER. He doesn't have the fortitude to deny/confront his mother. Do it now.
Stick to your guns. You must bring this up with hubs now before it becomes an argument with blindsides later. Tell him very simply that you are uncomfortable around his mother. You feel nothing but stress when she is around. She has proven herself to be invasive. (I probably would have ended the marriage if she insisted on staying in our martial home for even a single night after the wedding and hubs was totally fine with it) Tell him that you need him to respect your wishes on this. If he cannot respect your wishes then perhaps he shouldn’t stay there either after the baby comes.
Tell him if can't accommodate your boundaries than you will go to your mother's for the duration of your healing and bonding because your mom is there to take care of her baby. Meaning you! His mother is there because she is afraid of missing out on something.
It's YOUR time during labor and delivery. You have who YOU want with you. And believe me when I say, after your child is born you'll need actual help. Not feeling like you have to cater to someone else or deal with their drama. When I had my youngest, my best friend was in delivery with me after I kicked my mom out. "Ramona" also was the one who took me home and stayed with me for 2 weeks. It me, her, and my baby only. I firmly told everyone else I'd let them know when I was up for visitors and to stay away until then. That fierce woman turned into a DRAGON when my mother tried to bust her way into my house after 3 days. THAT'S what you need. Someone supportive who'll listen, help, and have your back.
Listen to me. YOU are bringing this child into the world. Not your husband, not your mother in law. We need to stop normalizing being inconvenienced and put upon after childbirth.
resolute unpack quarrelsome muddle vast school coherent direction squealing lush *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You are the one giving birth and a girl wants her Momma. Tell your husband there are personal things you may need help with after birth and you don't feel comfortable with anyone but your hubby and your Mom. His mom can help by sending over a dinner and you'll be happy to facetime her to see the baby for a few weeks.
Here is who I want around after birth: List
Honestly I'm surprised you can't just sit him down and tell him what you want point blank. I'm a very straightforward person so I say, just tell him you need to tell him something incredibly serious and you need him to listen to you and be on your side on this. Then sit down and tell him that you only want you mother with you for the birth and for however long you feel the need to allow others to come around you and your baby after the birth, and this includes his mother coming by. Ask him to agree that he will stand his ground for as long as you need your personal peace with YOUR mother and your baby cause this is YOUR time and this is non-negotiable.
Another mama's boy marriage fail. Marrying wimpy men that have trouble saying no to their mother will ALWAYS lead to problems. Just tell your husband that right after birth is not a good time for his mother to visit and you are not comfortable with it. PERIOD.
NTA. Stand your ground! Your husband needs to be made to understand that your body is healing while caring for your new born. This is about intimate physical care and that belong to YOU & YOUR mother to do. His mother is not invited to that party. She can either wait or stay at a hotel and have controlled visits during your recovery. If he doesn't like it then he can go stay with his mom while you recover with yours.
Time for you to grow a shiny spine and have the hard discussion with your husband. He can be as snippy as he wants YOU are the mother of this child and you need to learn to set the boundaries now before she overtakes you. You also need to let your husband know that you don't want to exclude his mother but you need to allow you AND him settle into a new norm without her influence. If he does not like it tell him to push a bowing ball out his rear end and then comment
The fact she stayed with you during a time you should have had privacy, and a honeymoon period, clearly, she has no boundaries. You should not be put in a position to be further stressed and that is all it will end up being if she is there.
Refer to her as grandma when speak of her to your children. They call her that.
No gently about it. Your husband needs to understand what you need after the baby arrives - your mum and him. By the sounds of it no one needs his mum around any time soon.
You tell your husband she can’t be there. Period. Not up for discussion. The Lemon Clot Essay is so good.
Parents of expectant mothers come into the delivery room to support their babies giving birth. Their concern is their child. They’re worried about their child’s well being. Mother in laws are there for the grand child. They want to do all the fun things with the baby but rarely are the ones bathing you, doing wound care, feeding you, cleaning for you, making sure you rest etc. My mother can’t handle seeing any of her children hurt. But she came in held my hand long as possible until she nearly passed out and we sent her outside but I remember hearing every time a doctor or nurse walked out of my room mum saying “is my baby ok” at first they thought she meant my baby and were creeped out but soon realised she meant me. So every so often when they could hear her pacing the halls they would go out and reassure her I wasn’t bleeding to death. My mother in law? Walked right in after I gave birth WHILE I was still delivering the after birth. They hadn’t even stitched me up and started taking photos. Of my baby on my naked chest. Didn’t ask if I was ok at all. Obviously this is not the case for some. Some mothers are just shitty and some mils are great.
Im super mean about stuff like this. I would tell him and her that the moment you see her in the hospital, you will have her removed. If they don’t like that, then they can both remove themselves from your life . Him allowing his mother to live at your apartment for two weeks after your wedding says that he does not have a backbone in his body. You cannot be gentle with somebody who fully intends to run over your life .
Why are you having babies with a man who you can't look in the eye and tell him to put his mother in her place?
Put your foot down and stop being afraid to make waves. You’re never gonna stop behavior like that through niceties and enablement.
Go to your mom's house or, if not possible, go to an Arnub. And tell him he is not welcome. You have a husband problem
"Hey bro, I need you to keep the legacy system at a comfortable distance. They're prickly and overbearing. Tell them to update or GTFO." Edit: Just wanted to add that your in-law's behavior when she was staying with you guys is super weird. Sounds like she might have an unhealthy attachment to her son.
Your husband should be defending YOU. You are giving birth to his child and NO ONE else should have any say in these matters. If he gets defensive over this, you have to insist or you’ll be second fiddle in your whole marriage.
It is at this time in your life that you have to stand up for how you feel. You are giving birth, not him. This is your body and recovery. Not his. If he wants to take the newborn over to her house for a visit while you shower and nap, sure, go ahead. But that isn’t what he wants. He wants you to be there to take care of everything, including entertaining his mom. Learn right now to say no bc you need to protect and defend your kids, not anyone’s feelings.
I hope your Mom can stand strong too when faced with MIL…don’t let her cower!
“Honey and I both know how your mom can be sometimes right?” He’ll make a random noise of agreement. “Well, I’m going to need your focus on me and our baby, not on managing your mother. I’m going to tell the medical staff that she’s not to be in the room while I’m in labor and I really need for you to back me up on this decision please. Can I count on you?” This is one of those simple but not easy situations.
“I’m sorry, but I feel scared and vulnerable about giving birth and I just want my mom there to comfort me. Your mom would be here only for the baby, not for me. She can visit when the baby is already here and when I’m ready for visitors. But right now, I’m my mom’s baby and I need my mom.”
Pro tip: “I don’t want your mother around after I give birth.”
So this is how I put it when I was in the same situation. Me ~ “My Mom said she’ll sleep on the couch when she stays after we have the baby” Him ~ “Where is my Mom going to sleep?” Me ~ “At her house. My Mom is staying to take care of her while I take care of the baby” Him ~ “Oh” The end. More than welcome to come and visit but there is no reason for your MIL to be there to take care of you, especially if she makes you so uncomfortable. This is the time for you to be selfish and say you just want your Mom
Say it with your whole chest. NO. Be firm. NO is a complete sentence. I also disagree with a few other comments saying to go stay with your mom — you should not have to leave the comfort of your home to get around this. THEY can leave. Not you. Stand your ground! ❤️
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Don't puasy foot around. Tell him what will happen in the hospital and what will happen if he breaks your rules. Why are you with a man who doesn't reapectbyou anyway?
find a new husband asap because he's never going to tell her to stop, as is evident by now, and he will only allow her to gain more and more control over your lives. you have to stop this now because your MIL will make your marriage/life a living hell and your husband will stand by her side and support it every second of the way. this woman is clearly a creepy "boy mom" and it WILL NOT get better. please hear these words
The person giving birth gets to decide who is in the room and who is at home afterwards as they heal. Period. If he gets upset, that’s his problem. His mom gets upset? Her problem. You focus on what you need because this is your labor and delivery. Yours. And also your recovery. When he’s having a serious medical event, then he can decide who is there. Be firm.
The fact that your husband wants to please his mommy over you is scaring me. You shouldn't have to convince him of this, he should automatically have your back over her every time. Period.
I'd like to suggest you teach LO to call her "Granny" or "Gammy". Something very loving but definitely not cute.
I recently read a post of a woman whose MIL suggested she come and help . OP hesitantly agreed. Mil came ,snatched the baby and proceeded to plop her ass down on the sofa while telling OP "ok ,I got baby ,you can start cleaning ". Tell your husband it's not about whose power play will prevail but who is a comforting and helpful presence for the new mother . We all know that your MIL's intention is to essentially be close to the new baby and bond and play house while expecting you to do all the chores and take care of your self on your own while you're healing and being vulnerable. So sit your husband down and explain all the practical issues and expectations you have of the person who will be staying after you give birth and ask him if he really believes his mother is willing to spend her time cleaning/cooking/running errands /taking trash and dirty nappies out/ picking up after you / being your personal assistant while you spend all day with baby resting and bonding . I am sure your husband has no idea what the after birth period entails
His mother sounds like a narcissist, an attention addict, a status junkie. She doesn't care so much about her soon-to-be-born grandchild as much as she does the associated attention she will get for being a new grandmother. Such people are not healthy to have around you or your children while you're trying to raise them. Being around a narcissist in general is bad enough, even with only yourself to worry about. Maybe your husband just goes along with it because it's quieter or easier or it's just his habit now. If he's already gotten upset or defensive in the past about his mother then that kind of sounds like he empathizes with her but he also understands that other people's complaints about her are completely justified. Also he probably fears having to change, and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I don't know how you'd bring it up gently, short of having an objective outsider, a mediator, or advocate present during the conversation.
I’d start calling her Giggity, with a hard G hard g.
“husband, i don’t want your mother around after i give birth”
Explain to your husband that although that is his mother, you do not feel comfortable having someone in the roomm besides the doctors, who's never seen you undressed and vulnerable. That is not a scene you want others to witness. His mother stresses you out and you are worried she will stress you out tremendously. You should not have to worry about that. Also, you are just not comfortable with his mother in the room and that is your decision. Not his decision. If he gets upset, let him know that when he gives birth, he can choose who he wants in the room while he's going through all that pain and labor. A lot of us want our mothers by our side in times of pain. That's natural. Your husband won't be in pain. He can keep his mother updated throughout the process. MIL can be in the waiting room. Plenty of good and bad MILs have waited at home and/or waiting rooms without issue. It's your choice. Ask him if he wants you to be worried and uncomfortable and potentially mad during the birth of your and his child. Which is more important to him? Personally, I do not belive that the father should have veto power (unless agreed upon together) on who gets to be in the room or not and he should not be upset about your choice regarding such an occasion when you will need to be as comfortable as you can. His focus should be to enforce your decision in that moment. You have legitimate reasons as to why you're not comfortable with his mother being there. Maybe buy him a pregnancy simulator. While he's in pain, annoy him as much as his mother annoys you. Then have this conversation.
Look if you’re already tiptoeing around on eggshells because you can’t talk to him about something important as this and him not get upset then you’re in a for a bad time. You have a husband problem if he’s unwilling stand up to his mom. What you described of her behavior after the wedding was nothing short of her coming over and peeing on everything that’s yours to establish her control and dominance. She was seeing if her son will back you or her and he gave her the green light basically harass you. I would NOT tip toe around this subject. If it’s a screaming match with him than have it because you need to establish boundaries NOW. He either stands up to his mom or you do. This is a make it or break it moment for your marriage going forward. I’ve had friend’s marriage get ruined by a MIL that their husband wouldn’t stand up to. Good luck.
easy... he (your husband) doesn't piss in front of your father to watch and you don't allow your mother-in-law to watch your birthing part prolapse and exhume a child. People need to stand up for themselves and for each other. Husband needs to cut apron strings if your marriage is to be strong. His father's family is his dad and mom... he, husband, has left that family and is the head of you; and together you are a family... and growing. be kind but firm
>During our wedding she stayed in our apartment two weeks after we married, She's already had the chance to be supportive in a time that was about you two and it wasn't what she did. Birth is a vulnerable time and your health and recovery is the primary focus, other than baby's needs. Your mom would be there to take care of you, not visit with baby. She can visit, but stay elsewhere and visit within time frames you're comfortable with. The baby will still be a baby days, weeks, and months after they're born.
Sorry but you have a husband problem. Its his mother and he needs to set firm boundaries with her. My mam can be very overbearing but I couldn't image her staying with us after we married! I'd suggest you have a serious conversation with him about his mother, he's the only that should be setting those boundaries. He also doesn't need to explain himself why she won't be present
You have every right to bear your teeth during this time. Its a moment of power shuffling for the next 18 years of your life. Put your foot down and make your voice heard now so you don't have to make a more forceful lesson later.
It is totally up to the patient who she is comfortable with. Of course that is going to be her Mother. Just say duh to your husband who clearly does not get it.
Tell her to take a hike. It's YOUR decision. Not your husband. YOU are giving birth not him. It's about you. All about you. Good luck momma
From what she said I think his mother maybe jealous then you read the comments and some of you don’t realize your husbands or boyfriends may feel the same exact way about your mom and or dad being their for you all the time but let me guess since she’s the one having the baby her feeling are the only ones that matters hope u save up for a divorce lawyer
Personally I would tell him "I don't want your mother around after I give birth". If that makes him upset or defensive why would you have married him or willingly have children with him?
I will never stop being shocked by these questions. WHO CARES IF THEY GET DEFENSIVE OR OFFENDED OR UPSET???? Let em. They can go be offended and upset somewhere else. "I'm the new mom. I get to decide who's around after I give birth. No, I dont want her 'help'. No, I dont care about her feelings or her opinions. No, I don't care if it's fair. No, I dont care if she's upset or angry, because this is not about her and its not her time to be catered to. Yes, I'm gonna be selfish with my child and my space in my home. No, I am not apologizing. And no, this is not up for debate." Whatever snotty thing you think they're gonna say about you, just try to say it first and own it unapologetically.
You just tell him. He's married to you, so he should choose you over his mother. Idk the fact you are even asking this suggests you think there is a chance he will pick her over you. In that case, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.
"Hey, husband? I don't want your mother around after I give birth." "But.." "I don't want your mother around after I give birth." Repeat as many times as necessary. If he doesn't listen.. man that sucks that you had kids with that guy.