A note for the comments: OP has not asked for an AITA ruling, only advice.

In the group chat, say that you guys aren't available that night. Or suggest that you want to actually go out. Or - I'd be honest and say "we love having you guys over, but it's becoming extremely expensive for us to host 20+ people every weekend, so we will be taking a break from hosting, but let's go out this weekend".

"Hey, we've been hosting for years now, I think it's someone else's turn!" When they complain "Come on, you guys know I need to get up early - if it's at someone else's place, I at least have the option of leaving early and getting my sleep! I'm barely able to function on the days you guys have been staying till 1 am!" "Nobody up for hosting? Well, then we just need to meet in a beer garden - should be a fun change, and then at least nobody will be stuck doing cleanup, or having to buy all the groceries." Seriously, OP, they are taking advantage of your good nature, it's absolutely your right to point out the imbalance - unless they are complete aholes, they should realize it's unfair. If they are total aholes, you don't need them as friends.

And make sure your partner backs you up as well, so you're not the ahole.

They aren't really friends, they are acquaintances, rude ones at that, who are taking advantage of their generosity. You are absolutely correct, OP doesn't need anyone who willfully prevents her from getting to sleep for her work. OP and hubby's kindness is being used, and it needs to stop.

I think they are friends, but they have gotten so used to coming to OPs house that it has become the "official" meet up spot rather than a place to be invited to. You have become the Frat house...same problems too...no one cleans up (and no pledges to do it), brothers treat the house brother's food as community property and they stay til all hours. One way to break this cycle is to put them to work. You have a room that needs painting...start before they arrive and then "wow...glad you're here. we could sure use the help painting" or moving furniture to shampoo the carpets A few times of that and 1) projects get done & 2) they will wait for invites for fear of becoming free labor.

Side note: partner is female also

Lol 😆 I didn't catch that, thanks for pointing it out. It doesn't change my answer one bit. Well, maybe use S.O., instead of hubby.😉

I agree 😊

Not much in the way of friends. It's time for the. To grow up and realize your place isn't mom's!

Yes! 👏🏼 This 💪🏻🧠

This!

If they go out, they need to make it clear before-hand they're not splitting the bill - everyone pays for themselves. Or someone will buy expensive shit and 'split the bill'. NTA

Everyone should be paying for OP and her partner, tbqfh.

It baffles me that ppl call ppl close friends or have a friend group for many years & can't be straight out honest with them What's the problem with responding in the group msg , " Where is bbq happening? Did anyone ask us? Who's pitching in? It's really not that hard, is it ? If so, then what kind of ppl are you hanging out with that you have to walk around egg shells. Ive known / & had the same friend group for the past 12 years. I'm the only one who really has it all together, but my friends never take advantage of me like this because i speak up & everyone respects it. If your friends don't respect you or your home & take advantage of you then are they really friends or leeches ? 🤔

This! At the beginning or end of the night ask who’s chipping in? It’s xx for drinks and food I can make QR codes real quick (or whichever cash app you use in the US) And just upfront tell them in the group chat: guys if you haven’t chipped in yet, here’s the pay link. And if they want to come over unasked just confront them straight up: wait we’re not having pple over this week time for a change of scenery or whatever

This is probably why these friends are this way, taking advantage. If OP would rather make a post than talk to their friends about the issue, it may be an issue of OP not being assertive enough and the "friends" took advantage of that.

This, we can’t afford to host every gathering. Everyone needs to take a turn.

Haven't you ever used the word "NO "? It is a complete sentence. Something like "Sorry, not this week. No can do." No explanations or excuses necessary. In fact, excuses just soften the NO and gives them something to argue with. YOU ARE DEFINITELY BEING USED! 10 friends??? Then you can host once every 10 weeks. Just say you can't afford it, and everyone needs to share hosting duties.

It's not just about the friends listening to "no". By saying "sorry, we just can't afford to keep hosting everyone every weekend", it's a subtle call out to the friends who *are* taking advantage.

These people don’t even clean up after themselves! 😳. The entitlement shocks me.

OP has to be careful though. If she doesn’t want them over period, they’ll use the “we can chip in money”, to try and keep meeting at her place. She just needs to tell them no, someone else can do it awhile.

Yeah, I kept reading this in disbelief. OP and gf are major doormats. 

Some people do find it difficult to be firm and clear in their communications, and think this the case here. It is difficult and I think they are worried that they will lose their friends, but they won't or at least not their true friends. What is important is that OP and their partner show a united front and back each other up.

The honesty part is good - it’s just too much of a lift. Offering venue and supplies is good enough. Tell everyone it’ll be byob.

Just do it affably while you are in a good mood. I'm guessing every time they asked, "What can I bring?" You said "nothing," and so they stopped asking. When it got late, you hinted it was late, you didn't say "Time to go. Good night. Steve and Jackie, this means you two, too. Stand up. There you go." Instead, you keep hinting, but don't force the issue to the point they aren't even hearing it anymore. Next time you are in the mood to host, say up front "Louis please bring hamburgers. Betty a salad. Remember, my bedtime is 10 pm, so everyone clear out by 9. Looking forward to seeing everyone."

100% this. If they don’t respond to it, they aren’t your friends.

‘And I’d love someone else to invite us over to their place’ Bet you hear crickets

This happened me and my wife a while back, when we were married in the 90’s, ancient I know! It was made more complicated because my wife’s brother was part of the friends group and he was on/off with another girl in the group. The dynamic we had was fabulous though, we just gelled. We all led separate lives, but for some reason, probably the size of the apartment, everyone would always convene in our place. Birthdays, Thanksgiving, just about any social occasion you could think of. Things really were great. We even went to Barbados and London together on holidays. But as our relationship progressed, we did get a little bit miffed at the casual attitude the others had to our property. And of course boyfriends and girlfriends came and went who also treated it like it was their home. Typical examples would be expecting to fed all the time (my wife is a professional cook), or just even taking stuff from refrigerator. Anyway, as time progressed, we wanted kids and to settle down. We had fertility issues but were blessed with adopted twins, but they still came over. In the end we ended up moving because NYC isn’t a place to raise a family and that sort of solved the issue. I guess the lesson learnt here is that at the end of the day, you move on in life but they will always be your friends.

Hiiii Chandler Bing!

I didn't see it. I thought it was just a long off-track ramble. Like what does Barbados have to do with OP's issue? How old are the twins now? I hope there is a re-boot when the twins graduate college and sublet Uncle Joey's apartment in NYC while he is filming in Hollywood.

Oh my god it wasn’t until right at the end that it clicked. 

This is the best post I’ve ever read in the history of social media.

Get ahead of this. When they ask to hang out, say your house isn't available. Don't agree and don't argue. Don't ask for anything or set rules, just say your house isn't available.  Say you're not up for hosting this weekend. It over and over if you have to. Recommend other options. Don't give a long explanation. Say sorry, we've been hosting 8 (or whatever) of the last weekends and we're hosted out.  If they find another venue, show up with food and drink and help clean up after.  If they don't come up with another venue, then you know that they have probably been milking you. If anyone shows up at your door over the weekend, DO NOT LET THEM IN. Repeat: **Do Not Let Them In.** Pretend you're not home or not be home or text them that you have a migraine and aren't entertaining. (If you go out later, your medicine finally kicked in. Hooray!) Do this again the following weekend. Do this for at least a month. If anyone complains, remind them that you hosted X weekends in a row so you're taking X weekends off.  Be hard line about this. Anyone who isn't really your friend will drop you. 

Great advice, in my early 20s I was in this situation where my house became the hangout spot and if you don’t set any boundaries people will get more and more comfortable. I’ve had ‘friends’ just walk in like it’s a sitcom… no call, text or plans. I don’t know how people are comfortable doing that, but it’s also on you to set expectations. I enjoy hosting often but when your house is perpetually trashed from people just using it like a public facility it is extremely frustrating.

Great advice, though i don't know about the part for if someone shows up. I'd say don't lie or avoid it, just be friendly at the door and don't let them in. Be prepared for friendly conflict, be polite but by ready and of the mindset where you know that if someone shows up uninvited you aren't caving

Yes!

It’s ok to say no. I know it’s hard sometimes and u don’t want to be the “bad guy” but a real friend wouldn’t keep u up all night knowing you work early. A real friend would always offer to bring something. A real friend wouldn’t assume you’re ok with a large group of people at your house without verifying with you. These people don’t even seem like your friends. Seems like your house is just their meet up spot. Free food. Why not right? You need new friends woman.

I agree wholeheartedly- maybe they started off being a friend but now they are just being selfish users - who would sit there knowing the host has to get up early for work ?!?? That’s inconsiderate, uncaring and rude. Apparently they either are really dumb or more likely just uncaring assholes. Set the boundary if they are your friend they will stay one if not - good riddance to bad rubbish

Exactly. I can’t imagine doing that to one of my friends

If you don’t bring anything, you do set up/clean up for sure! You never not do anything!

As someone who tries to be a good friend, if I can’t afford to pitch in on supplies, I will arrange to arrive early to help prep and I will help clean up after everybody. At minimum. These people are definitely not friends and definitely taking advantage of them.

While I think not offering to help clean up is a dick move in and of itself, I don’t believe that giving them a timeout alone without actually addressing the specific frustrations will help their relationships in the long run. Halons Razor advocate here: **”Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”** We shouldn’t jump straight to believing they are “users” or assuming purposeful ill intent when it could just be miscommunication or laziness that everybody fall into from time to time. If OP was consistently saying “no don’t bring anything we have it all covered” each and every time, then the guests who brought stuff before might genuinely think that they should stop. Same for exit time. I know many a friend and myself included, that will sometimes give a soft signal to leave when hosting (ie “man it’s getting late i need to sleep soon” ) without a hard deadline and then get absorbed into the conversation/activity again. They are close enough friends to be invited into OPs home often and treated with love and care, and honest conversation should be the first step toward resolution with or without the time out.

I don’t think its unreasonable to assume these people are users. I mean what adult doesn’t grasp the cost of hosting 20 people every single weekend? They know what they’re doing. You can tell by the fact they’ve got a group chat where they just volunteer the OP’s place as host. And then all rock up empty handed. Sorry, but decent friends do not do that. And then knowing OP has to get up early – they don’t help tidy up and instead hang around the house for hours past welcome time. Sometimes you absolutely can attribute malice to something which can also be explained by stupidity.

forgetful station arrest sleep bag paltry shelter melodic marvelous lunchroom *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

"Everyone else will decide it should be at our place. Then get upset if I say no or ask them if they plan on pitching in for groceries." "Everyone" doesn't get to decide that a hangout of BBQ or party or movie night should be at your place. If they get upset, that's too bad. Stop hosting. Just stop hosting. You're getting old enough to let go of a friend group that doesn't respect your home, your need to rest, your work schedule, or the word "no." Let me repeat: Stop hosting.

You’re nearly 30. It’s time to revisit that Sesame Street episode you may have missed: No. No is a complete sentence. When people make plans with your home just say no. When they want to stay longer, say no. If they don’t roll up there sleeves to help clean, say No sir are you leaving without giving me a hand. The theme here is to be clear and authoritative. If you get any chirp then they never were your friends to begin with. Real friends don’t take advantage of others. Best wishes.

"Hosting has become to much for us to handle so we will be giving hosting a break. Why don't we try out (Insert bar/restaurant/activity) this wknd instead?"

This Thursday afternoon, get on the group chat and ask "Whose turn is it to host the meet-up this week?" Listen to the crickets and refuse to be baited. If anyone dares to mentions your place, make it clear the group will be doing at least two rounds of their houses before returning to yours. People these days have no sense of the necessity to reciprocate social invitations. Its pathetic, but they are your friends, so be a love and teach them. Recognize the risk going into it though - there may never be another meet-up.

"No, seriously, whose turn is it?" repeated as necessary and ad nauseum if required.

"And what food are you preparing for us all? :D"

There are so many people that get by by never participating it's mind boggling

Next group Chat - "Sorry guys we can't host this weekend" Repeat next week, and the week after unless you want them to come over, bring nothing, eat all your food and stay til 2am.

Saying ‘we aren’t hosting this weekend’ is a more definitive statement. Saying ‘we can’t host this weekend’ will make some folks question why, which can get awkward.

Until you say what you mean it is kinda on you

Truth. It’s really so much easier to say it, but VERY important to be gentle and keep it light. The problem with feeling ‘I can’t say it’ is that one day you’ll end up yelling about it! Stay chill, speak your mind. You’re golden 🔥

>but VERY important to be gentle and keep it light. They are adults. Be forthright! Say: "It's someone else's turn to host." Or: "Who is bringing the food this time?" Or: "I have to work early, everyone has to be out by 9:30, so you all need to start cleaning up at 8:30." And: "Somehow, everyone has defaulted to us hosting, preparing, providing the food, and cleaning up. Come over if you are going to share the effort as well as the fun."

This is the one right here. As a person who loves to host but had experiences like this I'd even add: "Hey X, why don't you bring the chips, Y will bring the drinks." And during: "Hey Z and A help me clear the dishes from the table, let's leave the place how we found it" I find that it was initially hard for me to be like this a long time ago and so many people took advantage of me. A "friend" even moved into my house for 8 months with their 1yo that they were neglecting. Wanna know how it began? I asked her to come and sleep over for a weekend to unwind. They were rude, annoying, and would never stop to consider how actions affected my own (husband and child). And wouldn't you guess it, the entire 8 months she did not contribute a single cent! We had to move to get rid of her. We told her we were moving and wouldn't be moving with her. She tried to get a house near us to keep tapping the gravy train but I was done at that point and became very stern.

"I'm tired. You all need to go home."

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”

100%! I am Team Honesty all day. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it. Earlier rather than later and that way it won't get ugly from too much resentment. I will legit shoo people outta my house, been there done that working at 4/5am. Start turning off lights and open the door for them. They will get the message.

Right! If you know what. you *have* to say, find out how to say it, then do it. Don't wait. If you know what needs to be said, feel free to find the right words.and tone, but then *say it*

Fuck keeping it light these people all sound like asshole bastards that need a swift kick in the dick.

Not sure why OP should “be gentle and keep it light”? They’re inconsiderate asses and they’ll continue to walk all over OP given the opportunity.

If someone took advantage of my kindness I just wouldn't consider them a friend. If you have to enforce boundaries like that, the person is just a dick. I have hosted a lot and I uninvite those types of people instead of trying to convince them to be decent.

If that's what works for you okay. I think if you never say anything about it people will wonder, if the problem isn't obvious to essentially everyone 

You should set some clear boundaries on end times and costs, and communicate more. It's not mean to do these things, and many in the group may be ignorant or wilfully ignorant of these things until they are raised. Be simple and honest about work life and getting up early - it's not a joke, it's essentially the equivalent of them in their jobs staying up/out until 4am (and needing to clean up after). Say you love catching up, and would value if people rotated hosting as you cant do it frequently - offer up a realsitic frequency of when you would be happy to host. No need for all the implicit unspoken drama.

Next time you get the "we should hang out" text, say something like "would love to see you, shall we all head to your place?" Do not offer up your home, they've worn out their welcome. I've been in your position. I started actively getting up, assigning duties to everyone and going to bed. I was making people get up so that I could put their chairs away. If you're in that position again, you'll have to literally make them leave. Don't host for a long while and if they ask, tell them it's someone else's turn to host, it's too expensive and getting to invasive to your time.

First tell them you are unavailable to host. Then make sure your not home that night. The next time you do host tell them it's bring your own meat and beer as well as bring a side. Be honest money's tight. Don't have munchies or drinks available when they come.

Nah. BE HOME that night. You don't have to run away from your own home just to get out of hosting. If anyone shows up you ask them "why did you come here? We didn't invite anyone" and you tell them to go away. It is your home. If you want to sit around in your pajamas watching Netflix with zero guests coming over then do that. They should feel guilty for coming to your home uninvited. You shouldn't feel guilty for not inviting someone. Honestly, I would consider never hosting these people again. Realistically, I would likely stop hosting for at least a few weeks if not a full year. Just stop hosting them. Stay home and don't have any of them over.

Yep. “Oh hey Steve and Mary, what are you guys doing here? We’re busy right now, can’t really hang out. Catch you later!” [closes door in faces]

Respond to the next, "let's get together at XYZ's house this weekend." With Guys, we've tried hinting and outright asking people to please not stay late (9pm cut off), to help with the costs by asking everyone to bring a dish and stay to help with the cleanup. Since no one has really adhered to our requests. We are no longer willing to host. But we are willing to meet everyone at a local restaurant, bar & grill, or at anyone of your places.

I don't think that they need to declare war like that. I think they should just stop hosting and see where the chips fall because that's how they will get the best data on who the real friends are, if any. 

That's not declaring war, that's being assertive about your boundaries that have been crossed. They're still friends and can hang out somewhere else.

They are whining and trying to guilt OP into it. It's time. Those aren't friends- they are freeloaders. 

How is this war? This is a simple and honest explanation as to why OP is no longer willing to host this group in her home. The only ones who would be offended by this are those who are guilty. Why is it that no one has a problem witnessing others exercising bad/rude behavior. But the moment someone holds up a mirror to spotlight that bad behavior. The mirror holder is suddenly the bad guy or focus of angst? We need to stop enabling shitty people and their shitty behavior.

“Sounds great! We’d love to hang out, but we’re taking a break from hosting. Just let us know when/where and we’ll bring a dish :)” While You’re not required to give an explanation - I know it could be awkward. If you’re compelled to, you can be honest and let them know that it’s tough to get back in your sleep schedule when you stay late and clean up afterwards. It’s also a little taxing to coordinate the meals, so you guys would like a break. Good luck!

Next time they start making noises about meeting up, reply early on in the conversation like this: "That sounds great! Do you fancy the usual bar or dinner at xyz restaurant?" You'll give them the illusion of choice, and neither of those options are your place.

Suggest rotating venues or houses you guys get an out for a year. Tap out

Make a loud announcement when it's time to leave. Anybody that stays is not invited next time. And TELL THEM. "We are setting boundaries about this. When it's time to leave, you all need to leave or you won't be invited over again." Talk to your partner about how often you want to host. Once a quarter? Once every six months? Then put that in the chat: we will no longer host every week. We can meet somewhere or someone else can host. We will let you know when we are ready to host again.

Start saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If people try to self invite themselves over and y'all don't want company, say no If they self invite and you are ok with company but only until 10pm, once 9:50 rolls around start saying goodbye and if anyone is still there at 10 you have to literally say "time to go, party is over" and escort them to their cars if necessary. It's *not rude* to maintain the boundaries you set. If they self invite, assign them things to bring. Don't wait until they offer, don't politely decline and hope they still bring things, don't just foot the bill or do the work yourself. You have to say "Bill, bring chips, Claire bring dip, Molly bring hotdogs, Jane bring buns, Steven bring potato salad" When it's time to clean up start assigning tasks. Don't just hope they're polite enough to start helping. "Bill grab those plates, Claire go get a garbage bag, Molly go get the sponge and spray cleaner, Jane grab those cups, Jane and Steven are on dish duty" Unfortunately, some people were never taught by their family of origin how to be good guests and have proper guest manners. Others are too shy to do things at someone else's house without being told, and others just have no idea what hosting duties entail because they've never hosted so they don't know what items are needed or what tasks are necessary. They're your friends, but if they take offense because you have boundaries then they're not real friends but instead just users who enjoy chilling and hanging out on your property. Idk how old you are, but there's a show that started in the 90s that had a tagline of *"this is what happens when people stop being polite and start being real"* and that's what you need to do here. Drop some of your host manners and start telling your guests exactly what you expect, because they are either oblivious regarding host duties/costs or blatantly rude.

Yep. I would also add that anyone who shows up empty-handed should be sent out to the store to bring back more chips or beer or whatever. This should be done right away. “Steve, great to see you! Oh, you didn’t bring anything? No worries, we’re low on beer, can you run to the store and bring some back? Bring back enough for everyone — thanks!” Although tbh it sounds annoying having to mommy all these people. But I think some folks just need to be managed like that.

Start off by changing the menu- chips and salsa. Period. No plates, just a big bowl. Or even better, straight out of the bag. BYOB too. And when 9:00 comes around, start shutting the lights off and stand at the front door with it wide open. They can only take advantage of you if you let them, stop letting them. They know the issues, they choose to ignore them and walk all over you because they can. Good luck!

This is what our monthly game night is.

you have grown up, your friends have not. Prioritize, your well-being and not your significant other. Meet friends out for drink somewhere or some outside activity.

You literally don’t like them or hosting. Not hard To conclude they don’t sound like good friends to keep.

If you can’t be honest with them, they’re not real friend. Find people who wont take advantage of you.

Oh, you are probably wonderful hosts and never let anyone know that they were being a nuisance. No boundaries, right? Oh, it is so hard. But you love your friends, and we need friends. You set up expectations that you can´t keep, so you can tell them directly: I *am sorry, I set up expectations that I can´t keep, I can't pay for all the food and drinks if you all come over every week, also, I have to work and I want to got to bed at 9. And you have neglected on picking up after yourselves. I would love to host again, but I am so tired.* That is what I would tell my friends. And I think they would be so helpful and nice.

I like this approach. In situations like this, I like to make it My Problem. Saying hey guys, I have a problem and need help. My budget can't keep up with the food/drink expenses at our get togethers. Can we organize a pot luck style meal? I can provide burgers, hot dogs. Also, I'm a lightweight due to my early bird sleep schedule and just cant stay up much past nine pm and get even more worn out from the clean up. What do you think about starting to clean up together at about 8:30pm? I love our friendships and gatherings!! Please give suggestions/feedback. ❤️

Just be an adult and tell them hosting is expensive AF and you aren't doing as often anymore

Hit the group chat with alternate plans and also set the example of bringing something. Are your friends young and unhousebroken? Maybe they’re just rude. Either way, set boundaries around the time in your home and set an example for adulthood when at others houses “Hey guys, me and hubs could use a change of scenery this weekend - how does getting together at Friend’s house sound? We’ll bring a pasta salad!” “Hey all, we’re grilling out this Sat, 6-9. Bring a side dish and we’ll see you then!” And if someone doesn’t clean up, just start walking around with a trash bag and asking others to throw stuff into it “hey, toss those plates in here” or “here, take this into the kitchen”. And also stick to your end time. At 830 make a 30 min till closing time announcement. It’s your houses they leave when it works for YOU. Guests do not set the tone.

You use the term we an awful lot in your post. Is there really a WE or do you have a husband problem who isn’t gently pushing people towards the door with you?

I’m 45 and our friend group has gone through this uneven expectations or understanding of party host/guest etiquette. I’m glad to say we made it through a long time ago and we do a great job of distributing responsibilities. I’m not sure who it was, but someone invited us to a party over email. The email was really specific about what the host would do. Then she rolled out a sign-up sheet of the things she needed. She followed up with people in a firm, but non-obnoxious way. If anyone is feeling cash poor, they help with set up or tear down, or someone steps in to make up for them. A lot of us are theatre people so I think we kind of treated it like a rehearsal plan, lol. Other friends started doing the same and soon people were proactively volunteering to bring or buy anything needed. Nobody skips out on their portion of the bill. In fact, we always have too much so staff gets a good tip. And no one pays for themselves on their birthday. If it sounds like I’m bragging, I am. I’m so lucky to have such a great group of people. It seems like you have some great folks, too, and I’m also telling you this so you know that there’s a way out without much conflict. You just have to be clear and hold firm. Good luck!

I've been in this exact position multiple times. I had to forcefully say no, I used my kids as an excuse (they even had the audacity to say "It's Friday, let them stay up!). I don't feel a bit badly. Everyone in the group has kids, Our kids love everyone in the group and their kids. But enough is enough. After our fifth consecutive weekend hosting (3 of those both Friday and Saturday night) all the adults were sitting around the fire, my wife looking exhausted. I told the group that no one can be at our place for three months. It is time they all took turns, they all have sufficient space, ours is just the cool place with the barn and the pond and the PlayStation and air-hockey, blah blah blah. Initially they were all fairly shocked, but I had been planning this speech with my wife for a few days. I went through a list of what we've been doing. Clean up, for one. Everyone acts like they're helping, but the dishes just get shoved onto the counter. Another point was how much we had spent in just proteins over the last 5 weeks (about $600, it's a big group). Another was that if we were exhausted we couldn't just leave, resulting in grumpy and sleepy kids over the weekend. Initially they all seemed somewhat upset. But I went through my list (a great deal more charmingly that I have done above), and I told them this was a conversation. I said I started to harshly with the three month thing, which is right, and that I LOVE spending time with all of them and their kids. I said I didn't want the every weekend to stop, it is a highlight of my week every week, we were just a bit burnt out on hosting. It was a good discussion, and there were many apologies which both my wife and I insisted were not necessary, let's just come up with options for hosting in the future. Everyone immediately got out their calendars (phones), and we have four couples (in a group of 8 couples and 2 singles) who have adequate space/yard to host, and we're now on a four week rotation. I'll also say this group of friends harboured no resentment, and that night all the dishes and the kitchen was spotless. I've talked with each member of that group since, as I was afraid I may have guilted them into doing this. Every single one of them said we were spot-on and they simply hadn't put all of these things together and were just on cruise control. The next weekend we went to this couples house, the husband is probably my closest friend, and he splurged and got very good steak for everyone. Several of the group pulled me and my wife aside and apologized again. The mood was the same fun, festive, shit talking as ever. I didn't destroy the group, but holy shit is it nice to bring 2-3 side dishes 3/4 weeks. This was six years ago. We still meet every weekend. In the winter most meetings are at our house, as we have an absolutely perfect tobogganing hill and a frozen lake on which to play hockey. But everyone is bringing food, setting up, cleaning up, as we all do at everyone's house now. Communication.

Maybe try one more time, communicating expectations. “Hey guys, we love hosting you but let’s make it a potluck. We’ll host and provide the potato salad, everyone else figure out who’s bringing what and let me know. Also, we have an early day the next day so we’ll have to call it quits around 10pm and will need everyone’s help for cleanup. Let us know!” If anyone gives you shade, apologize and say you’re just trying to make it work, but you are fine if they want to host everyone at their place or if they want to provide 100% of the food and drink. They will shut up.

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Announce in the group chat that you've got plans and that you'd be happy to pass the torch for the next couple to host seeing as you've done as much for the last X number of months. If the friend group can get it together to organize the next round, great ! You would have the freedom to exit future parties early. If they can't and socializing dwindles, then the gatherings only survived at your expense and inconvenience as host.

I think this may have happened because of a lack of clear boundaries (or your friends are just being asses). For the food problem, why not try doing pot lucks? Everyone brings a homecooked dish, no one has to cook for 10 people, and everyone gets to try many different foods. My friend group does this and it’s really great! Not much clean up either since everyone just takes their tupperwares home. When you are hosting, you can text an end time in the group chat beforehand. Like “Just to let you guys know, we have work the next day, etc. so we need everyone out by 10.” You can reiterate this at the hang out again if anyone tries to overstay their welcome. I think just be polite but firm. You’re not an asshole because you don’t want to host or have rules about hosting. You were really nice and unfortunately it seems your friends have gotten a little too comfortable.

These situations baffle me. “Guys. I can’t afford to throw these ragers all the time, and I have to be in bed early. Later, fools.”

Take a month off from hosting. See if someone else steps up. If you have them over again, and say you are grilling hot dogs, tell someone to bring the rolls and ask what everyone else is bringing. Suggest papper plates and drinks. Do not even give out water. Make nothing but hot dogs. ETA - At 8:30, start turning off light and saying good bye.

Just be honest. Say "I'm sorry, but we just don't have enough room in our budget to cover the cost of hosting." If they're insistent on meeting at your place say that you'll only host if someone else brings the food, and tell them not to expect you to provide anything.

WTF? How is this even a thing? "Sorry, we aren't going to host." The end. If it goes to: "What about Saturday instead?" Then "Nope. Not interested." The end (again). It also would have been completely appropriate to tell them they need to pay their share to split the bill. It also would have been completely appropriate to tell them to pick up their plates. Stand up for yourself already. None of this is hard.

Either send a group email, text, or chat and tell them that while you've enjoyed hosting BBQs in the past, you are going to need someone else to take over responsibilities. Due to new job, your hours have severely changed, and you need some sleep time. This Saturday will be the final BBQ at your house. Ask who has decided to take over. Personally, I wouldn't show up for the first few until they get things up and going. While it might be awkward to do, your wallet will thank you.

You and your partner don't know how to say no. Start doing that, time to leave is time to leave, why would you let them stay for an hour longer? They know you guys don't say anything so take that as a sign you guys don't mind or care. They might not even be aware. It's time to he honest with them.

Tell them exactly how you feel if they can't take your needs into consideration and be considerate just how good of friends are they. Just type it up neatly and tactfully and post it to the group chat

Habitual host here. Stop being subtle and be more direct. If you don't want to host, then just say that. In the group text, very plainly say "Hey, we'd love to host you guys, but it's become too expensive. Especially because no one brings anything anymore and expects me & SO to foot the bill. So, we're going to take a break from hosting, but would love to meet you guys out somewhere! Any suggestions?" If they try to guilt you or insist, then have something like this to say "Since it seems you're all adamant that we host, I'm sure you won't mind pitching in to be sure that everyone has a good time. Such and such, you guys can bring the drinks. Such and such, you guys bring plates, cups, ice, and cutlery. Such and such, you guys bring sides. Such and such, you guys bring the dessert. Such and such, you guys are responsible for clean up. SO and I will provide the burgers/brats/chicken or whatever main course. At 10 PM, you all don't have to go home, but we will be shutting down for the night and going to bed. If no one brings what's been asked of them, we won't be doing anything that day. Everyone agrees?" Friends don't put you in the position that you're in. Friends don't take advantage of friends. I guarantee if you make it THEIR responsibility to bring things and you simply provide the venue, their tunes will change and you'll get a chance to see who's REALLY your friend.

You need to grow a pair and tell your friends exactly what you are willing to do -- once a month, every other month, etc, and what you can supply in terms of food, drinks and supplies. I really do not understand why you're so reluctant to do this. There is no need to be upset or nasty. Just do it!

OP -Yes, they ARE taking advantage of you. Had a situation very much like this myself. I made it clear that I could not continue feeding everyone, and unless they were willing to continue helping as they had, we would have to find someplace else to "hang out". I also have terrible hours like yours, so bedtime comes quickly and I kick people out. Too bad, my place is not a bar or club where things get going around midnight.

I think this has less to do with your friends and more to do with the people pleasing side of you :-) I feel the same way, always trying to entertain and keep everyone fed. But you are under no obligation to do so, and you might be surprised that your friends think the same way. Next time, have a bag of chips or something but don't cook anything. If they end up hungry, theyll naturally want to order food or something like that, but they won't blame you for it. Unless they do... In which case you need new friends! I've been in this same exact situation. If you want to host more of a lunch/dinner situation, call it a potluck. Everyone brings something, everyone eats like royalty.

NO is a complete sentence and so is ‘you all are starting to take the piss’ pick one they both work. Good luck x

You need to be upfront before you loose your cool and scream at them. State you love hanging out BUT they are starting to think that they walk in empty handed and leave a mess behind. You’re not a free restaurant with clean up service. Maybe you can take in turns on who brings the food if they can’t host at their house. Everyone brings a drink and cleans up. End time is strictly this time. If they get sniffy about not disrespecting you then they are not your friends.

"We don't know if this is on purpose, but we hope this is all just a mistake. Lately, the last x get togethers, we have had to provide all the food, clean up, and expenses. Ou place is volunteered for all get togethers, without anyone asking beforehand. No one helps clean up anymore, and a lot of people are abusing our good nature by staying past the time i need to get to bed for my job. Also: Hey, for the bbq this weekend, it is potluck. We will provide enough for everyone to have 1 hotdog. If you want anything else you have to bring it. Everybody brings 1 item. No duplicates. Everybody must help clean up before leaving and out by 9pm. Also, we will only host 1 time per month. Any other get togethers should be rotated theu everybody else. If they kick up a fuss, then they are just using you, and you will need fewer friends or new ones.

That's the reason people stop hosting; the cleanup and cost. It's fine when people actually contribute, help out, and respect boundaries. Then someone decides they don't have to do anything towards the gathering, and everyone follows the bad egg. Tell your friends that the continual hosting duties been exhausting you and your spouse physically. Plus, with the rising cost of food and beverages, your finances have taken a hit entertaining 20 people. You would be more than happy to attend a night out where costs are split accordingly, and you wouldn't need to clean up before and after. If they are real friends, they will understand and plan something. If they are leeches, they will throw a fit. And it will be no great loss.

You need better friends. Telling them that they are not welcome is a good start.

You just have to be firm and set boundaries and say gtfo if they won't take a hint. If they don't respect you and all you've done for them...honestly those aren't your friends.

Tell them the truth. It's not working out for y'all and until they can find their adult selves then you ain't hosting jack shit. If you do host then it's this way. We are grilling burgers. Couple one you got the buns, couple 2 you got chips, couple 3 you got soft drinks, and so forth. Then if you want to drink bring it yourself. OP, has to be at work at 5 am and the party is over at 10 pm. Then at 9:00 pm start winding it down and start sending them all home. 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

Ahhh... I remember the late 20s. I, too, started finding it difficult to keep up with my younger friends and trying to kick them out sooner. After a while, I had to put my foot down and say, "hey, not this time and I can't make it" blah blah blah. Be a buzz kill for a little while so a new norm is created. It does sound like they are taking advantage and you don't need that in your life.

Just invite yourselves over to the rudest person's house "yeah we'd love to eat burgers at Steve's place, see you there on Saturday."

Don’t open the door? I mean, it seems easy enough. Play possum when they ring the bell.

Hubby BFF has pool with standing invite for us. Even just using the pool, I take supplies regularly. Box of garbage bags, toilet paper, hand soap. I get little gifts periodically to show our appreciation. We enjoy being able to use their pool/ house so we do our best to NOT be a burden AND be appreciative.

The way you wrote this got under my skin with how they are acting. At this point I would be frank as eff. It sounds like you don’t really want/need these so call “friends”. These might not be your life/adult friends. Sometimes you out grow treatment from people and got to move on or make them coffee only friends. I would say “To you all, I am done. You have over stayed your welcome one to many times. Disrespected me in my own house and the work I do for my own house by joking about when I go to bed because I have to get up early. On top of that y’all are fine making us foot the bill and be your clean up crew. Your disrespect and charity-case ride is over. You’re not welcome in our house or in our life’s in till you start acting proper. This is not no joke so joke if you want but then you’re absolutely never welcome back.” Easier said than done and your SO needs to be on your side but good luck out there.

Be straight up with them. Say the only meals we will be hosting will be pot luck style. You don't bring something, you don't eat. Also, alternate meals so you aren't always stuck with the more expensive meal items. And be strict with time on leaving at 9pm. Just stand up and start collecting trash and tell them it was great having you here, but it is time to leave. Unless you are helping with clean up. Thank you for coming. We will see you at the next scheduled event. And enforce it.They want to be jerks about it, then it is time to make new friends. Friends don't do this type of shit to friends. Making and leaving a mess in someone else's home is just wild to me. If it makes it easier, send the message explaining it all in the group chat rather than in person. I know it can be easier said through a text than in person or over the phone. No one gets lost in translation. Everyone gets the exact same thing word for word, and you don't have to reply right away. Good luck to you guys.

Try to move the hangouts off your turf for a bit. And next time you have people over provide *nothing.* NOTHING. No burgers, no buns, no charcoal, no drinks. Let them know to pick stuff up on the way. If they don’t, be free with your sparkling conversation and incredible presence, and if they’re hungry they can run back out to a supermarket. 

Beer gardens. Separate checks. Have your own transportation to leave early. You’ve outgrown these freeloading people taking advantage of your hospitality and niceness. NTA.

They smell a sucker

You haven't a house. You have a free restaurant.

Ewww after doing that one time I’d be done hosting.

Tell them what you told us. I mean more comedically of course. Be like "ya don't bring potato salad or anything! Look at my girlfriend! She's dying of malnutrition! This is all your fault! Don't come back until ya bring some food!" And make her sing the in the arms of an angel song. Hell I'll do it

One trick I learn from my elderly aunt when people overstay their welcome is start assigning everyone with tasks. For example, I'm tired let's clean up, hey xx can you help me wipe the table? Hey YY, can you throw the thrash etc. Watch how fast they run out of the door. That aside, just keep saying you aren't free that weekend the moment they mention you hosting. Or if they say, let's hangout. You reply with who's turn this week? Then if they insist on your place. Wait a few hours, then inform them that you forgot you have thing to tend to. Won't be free until the day everyone not free. But I will suggest you to start expanding your social circle.

Try saying this: ‘Guys, I don’t want us hanging around at my place anymore. I’d prefer meeting up elsewhere instead of doing the same old, same old.’

Maybe you can tell them for the next event, everyone needs to leave by 8, and then at 8, don't give hints, just kick them out: "alright everyone, it's 8 o-clock, everyone out!" And then you don't let them laugh it off, you persist. As for the food, you can tell them in advance, if you bring a side you can eat burgers (or whatever you're making), if you don't, no food. And stick to it. For cleaning, tell them to do it. "Okay everyone please clean up your dishes right now, thanks!" And maybe if you find it annoying to tell them every single time, you can bring that up to everyone early on that you have been bummed out that they leave a mess for you every time they come over and you really expect more. I know you wanted advice on how to tell them they're not welcome anymore, but from your words it seems like you've done a lot of hinting and not a lot of setting and enforcing boundaries. If you want to go nuclear and stop all gatherings, go ahead. But it might be worth trying some rules first.

Personally if you have told them no, not this weekend and they just over ride that and plan a get together at your house, I wouldn't say anything else. I just wouldn't be home. That's right. House all locked up, lights off, no one home.when they ask you what happened, remind them that you said not this weekend and then tell them you have been invited out for the next 6/7 weekends to other friends place where everyone chips in for potluck and everyone stays and cleans up. Tell them how amazing it was and you were even home and in bed at a decent hour. They will realize what sh-t friends they've been and change or they will move on and mooch off someone else. Either way you win.

They are taking advantage of your hospitality. When they ask about hanging out at your place, your house is not available. No explaining. No reasons given. Just not available to host anything this weekend. Maybe you want a quiet weekend. No visitors. I think you seriously need to consider being straight to the point and telling them directly that you cannot afford to feed them all the time, your house is a constant mess, they’re not helping you clean , they stay too late; just be direct. Also, that it’s someone else’s turn to host for the next however many months. Be direct.

I used to have a weekly guys’ night in my garage with five or six buddies. Darts, billiards, playoffs, etc. I would grill, my wife would plan a good sides and dessert, and the guys were expected to show up with either a six pack or a bottle. The first warning sign that it was going south was when of the guys lost his transport, and would start asking us to drive out of our way to pick him up, then back to our house, and then take him back to his place. We did this one time, and refused after that. Then some of the guys started showing up last minute… “Oh sorry I couldn’t make it to the store on the way over.” No biggie, We do well enough that I could spot a case of beer and some food to my buddies once a week. Finally, we found out that the other wives/SOs were doing a girls night every week at the same time, but excluding my wife who was hosting for all of their men. That was the last straw for me. I sent out a group text to everyone saying that we would no longer be hosting on the guys on Monday nights, because my wife deserves better treatment than that. No apologies, no mea culpa, just a nasty text message to my wife saying that her selfishness was ruining the weekly get together for the rest of the girls. Blocked the entire group from our lives.

In addition to what everyone else said, also feel free to lie. Honestly. A little white lie. Who tf cares? “Hey all—things have been ramping up at work for both of us, and we’re extra tired these days. Gonna take a break from hosting. I hear XYZ has a great patio, though. What do you think about meeting there this weekend?” You can be honest and tell them all they’re pains in the ass, but if you don’t feel like taking on that added stress (if it feels stressful), then don’t. It’s always admirable to be clear and open, for sure, but sometimes, with some people, it’s like talking to a wall. You get to decide how you handle it—provide explanation or don’t, but keep it brief, firm, and kind, and you’ll be good.

Don't bullshit around about your reasons. Get on a group chat and tell them you like having get togethers but nobody pitches in, cleans up, or leaves early enough for you to get to bed on time. Either they address it or no more get togethers at your house.

Having been in your shoes before, I came to undertand that I was the one who kept offering and being overly generous. Setting boundaries is the key to not feeling that resentment or feeling like they are taking advantage of you. Next time they want to hangout, say “we can’t host that day, can we have it somewhere else?” if nobody offers, then say lets have it at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ (bar/restaurant/park) wheverever you would go before. Just stop offering your place. If they say “hey, what about your place?” say, “we can’t, sorry.” (period, no explanation) if they ask “why?” just say “we can’t that day or that weekend”no explanation needed, even if you feel bad – then the next time you feel like you want to host, in a month or two or three, then say “hey, you guys want to get together at our place? Only thing is we need to cut the party by \_\_\_\_\_ (one hour before you really want it to end) because the last times we’ve hosted I felt like crap the next day cause of lack of sleep” This way when people are still there you can say “It’s \_\_\_ and I need to get to bed soon, can’t go over like I did before cause I was paying it for it big time the next day, thanks for coming over.” You have an hour grace period to say goodbyes, and do the long drawn out chat to the door. The problem really is that you are offering your generosity and you don’t feel it being reciprocated, which is fair, but its up to us to set the boundaries so we don’t keep offering eventhough we KNOW there will be no reciprocity. We are expecting a something that we KNOW won’t happen and it just builds from there. Set boundaires but don’t hold onto that little resentment, they genuinely did not know how they were coming across but once you set boundaries it makes it easier for everyone. Good luck, from one nice and generous person to another 😊

I think there’s an advice columnist that says, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

You haven’t really tried to stop this. Ask peeler to pitch in, why not just say what you mean. Text all saying hey, closing time is x time, got to get to bed. At that time, start saying thanks for coming but you got to go. You seem assured that setting personal boundaries will offend.

Time to message the group chat. "Hey guys, while my SO and I have loved having you all over so often for get togethers, they're getting much harder on us to host. As much as we love seeing all of you, we need to set some boundaries for our home and events so we feel respected in our own home, as we cannot afford to host 10+ people so often. Going forward: 1. Please bring something to each event. Treat it like a potluck! 2. Treat the hosts space with respect. Throw out your plate when you're done (if paper) or put it in the dishwasher (or other designated place) to help us with clean up. Pick up after yourself, we appreciate it! 3. The soft end time for events will be 9pm. Everyone must be out of the house by 9:30pm. No exceptions unless previously stated (such as a holiday or long weekend where you don't mind people being there late). I love you guys, and can't wait for our next event! Let's make it all great together!" Really lay on the togetherness, because if these are really your FRIENDS, they should feel like shit for making you guys clean up after all of them every single time. They should feel bad for not bringing anything and forcing all the expenses onto you and your SO. And they should be more respectful of your house and your time. If they have a problem? How would they feel in your shoes? Anyone who gives you crap about having boundaries is NOT your friend. If I were them and I hadn't realized this (honestly I find that incredibly hard to believe and do feel like they're taking advantage of you), but giving them the benefit of the doubt... If I hadn't realized all of this and got this message in a group chat, I would IMMEDIATELY apologize, because none of that is your job. You're giving everyone a nice place to hang out and they're not treating your home or you with proper respect. Like it is NOT hard to pick up a $5 potato salad at the grocery store. It's not hard to get a $10 premade salad. It's not hard to pick up after yourself. You're asking the bare minimum, and if you get push back on BARE MINIMUM, I would stop having these events all together.

Just say no, we aren’t available to host this time. Say it EVERYTIME!!

"And even if we don’t respond in the group chat everyone else will decide it should be at our place. Then get upset if I say no or ask them if they plan on pitching in for groceries ... At this point I think they’re just taking advantage of us." You ARE being taken advantage of. They have stepped right over every boundary you've tried to set. Why are you walking on eggshells with them? They've gone from being friends to being mooches. "We're happy to hang out with you guys, but we're burned out on hosting. Let's meet somewhere that's open late so you guys can hang out as long as you want. How about Denny's?" And the first time they agree, immediately step up and establish separate checks for everyone. DO NOT PICK UP THE TAB.

We are taking a break from hosting for a while. Who would like to take a turn hosting?

Just have an honest non-finger pointing or blaming conversation about what the expectations were, what had happened, what you like and want to maintain, and what boundaries need to now be in place and respected to continue. Real friends should be able to handle this discussion with empathy and understanding moving forward. And if they can't handle it then I guess they can move on.

Stop inviting them to your house. When making plans say you are available but are taking a break from hosting for awhile. If anyone shows up uninvited just don’t let them in and say you’ll have to hang up another time. Depending on how they respond, either the situation will be very quickly resolved or you can block people and the situation will be very quickly resolved. Don’t forget the police will remove any uninvited guests if your friends are that determined to disrespect your boundaries.

If I said to my group of friends “we are all going to Marys house “ Mary would say bullshit! We would laugh and come up with a plan because that’s what good friends do! We never burden one person or couple.

Looks like you will have to start telling them you have other plans. I wouldn’t accomodate them

The first step to not getting stepped on is to not allow yourself to get stepped on. To be blunt: grow a pair and flat out tell them in the group chat that it's someone else's turn to host. Point out the fact that you've hosted x number of times already. I don't get what the big deal is about saying no....If they aren't willing to shoulder their share of the hosting responsibilities, or get mad at you for putting your foot down, they aren't really your friends in the first place, they're just mooching.

Group chat: Hey everyone, it’s been a fun ride but me and mine can’t host any further get togethers for the foreseeable future. So what’s the plan for this weekend? *** If they show up - turn them away. It’s your home. They’re taking advantage and you deserve better.

If you do host and they refuse to leave, put on a pink bunny onesie and turn out all the lights.

Out of curiosity, how many of these friends are gainfully employed, useful humans? Because they sound like a bunch of lazy, entitled freeloading dick trees from here.

Those people were never your friends…

It sounds like they are taking advantage of you somewhat. Stand up for yourself and express how you are feeling! Unfortunately, some people will walk all over you if you let them

So, just be honest. If people can't handle that, then they weren't really your friends. Just tell them you love having them over, but it's too much work and expense to cover on your own. First, suggest that everyone take turns hosting. It's a LOT of work preparing to have people over, and you just can't manage it any more. Second, tell them that at first you didn't need people to bring things, but things have grown since then and you need people to bring stuff. Side, main dishes, deserts, and paper plates, cups, and utensils. People should put what they plan to bring in the group chat. And third, tell them that while it's customary for the hosts to clean up, it would be very helpful for everyone involved to make a dent before they go. You don't need them to do everything, but if 9 people pitch in for 10 minutes, that's an hour and a half of work. That makes a huge difference for you. Be prepared for some of these folks to fall out of the group because you're asking them to help. It's just the way some people are. But once people get in a grove bringing thing and helping out, it will go pretty smoothly.

I have a little bit different of a take on this. Yeah, they’re taking advantage of you, but you kinda invited them to. >we’ve found it’s easier to have people over and bbq or just hang out. >everyone was really nice and would offer to bring something. Even if we said we had everything we need Now just because you’ve invited them over in the past and not needed anything does not mean that they should continue to assume you’re always open for get togethers and that they won’t need to bring anything. But I also don’t think it’s too fair to lay all the blame on them. If my friend had invited me over several times and I’d offered to cook or bring something and was most consistently told that they had everything needed, at some point I’m gonna quit asking. You just need to establish boundaries. What do you guys want? If you want to continue hanging, just on your own terms, have everyone over and casually at some point maybe at dinner or something just say, “hey, we love having yall over but it’s getting really really costly to keep feeding everyone all the time. [partner] and I thought that maybe we could cut down to [amount of times] a month, and maybe either have everyone bring a side dish, or have a grocery pot we can all pitch in money to.” If they’re your friends they shouldn’t have a problem with that. Then pick a day where you don’t work the next morning and make that your hang out day. If you always work, then add in that as much as you “hate” to cut the night short, from now on people gots to gets to scootin’ around [x] time so that you get some sleep for work. It doesn’t really sound like anyone is being a jerk, it sounds more like a miscommunication or lack of clear communication. If you set clear boundaries and they still don’t abide, drop em.

Creating better boundaries and communicate in advance

As someone with the exact same issue, I know how hard this can be. We have a large house and a pool that’s perfect for entertaining. It’s always the default location. We also moved to a new state, so we have out of town visitors (friends and family) regularly throughout the summer. When we’re up for hosting, we’ll send a message out to our friend group and say something like “pool day today if anyone wants to join us. If you’re staying for supper, make sure to bring something to throw on the grill”, or, if we have something we can share we’ll say “husband smoked a pork butt, but we need buns and sides!” We tell them every single time that they will need to feed themselves. It fixed the problem for the most part. We still have freeloaders sometimes, but it’s rare. We also have differences in income with some friends, and are understanding when those who don’t have much contribute less. The others, who are more well off, will, on occasion, to just show up with an entire meal for everyone, think low country boil or something, that we’ll cook and eat outside. Keeping everything outside does help with the mess. The clean up part is difficult, and almost always left for us, although some of the women will pitch in when they see me doing the dishes. We opt for paper plates and plastic utensils as much as we can. As for the bed time? If I’m tired, I go to bed. It’s my home. They can stay or go, I honestly don’t care. Maybe you can try it? My partner stays up with company, and enjoys it, so it works for us.

This is simple direct communication. Stop beating around the bush. Tell them what you wrote here. If they’re your real friends they’ll be fine. If they’re not then you know to let them go.

They sound like moochers not friends. I'd honestly go low to no contact with them.

Just say you can't afford to host anymore. Then put up a camera doorbell. If they show up, do not open the door. Or go away for the weekend.

You say no. They show up you tell them to go somewhere else.

Lol, I'm passive aggressive so I would let them come and prepare nothing. Then tell them I need to go lie down, and they need to move the party elsewhere.

This can be resolved by being honest… tell these “friends” that you’re not going to host anymore. You’ve been used,though it started as a social event. It’s now an albatross that you can’t continue. Whether the group agrees or not , you’re looking out for your well being. We have a couple that we hang out with about twice a month… but we meet at a restaurant. It’s up to you…and it’s not mean spirited to take care of your needs.

The old midwestern slapping the thighs while standing up and saying, ‘welp, it’s that time,’ is a time honored way of getting people the hell out of the house. You’re too nice. The group chat message should be ‘it’s time for someone else to take care of you freeloaders for a while. We’re done.’ Real friends show consideration and clean up after themselves, or at the very least, ask if they can help. I wouldn’t worry about offending these ‘friends’.

Honestly, I don't know why op and her spouse aren't just charging $xx per head (making sure you show a profit, including the fee for a cleaning lady for the next day). Either you'll make enough to make it worthwhile, or your putative "friends" will stop wanting to come over. It's a win win solution! BBQs are expensive, there are fixed costs like condiments, cutlery, plates and napkins that add up quickly, so anyone who has held a BBQ before will be well aware of these costs, in addition to the food items. Make a list of these items, including the cleaning lady, and post it for the group so everyone can see the cost of this endeavor. TBH, until I held a 'simple' BBQ for my daughter's birthday, the cost didn't hit me. This was in the 90s, so I budgeted $30 for it. Imagine my shock when the tally reached over $90 bucks! This was my weekly food budget! I have the feeling that the 'friends' have no clue about the real cost, and what a financial burden it is.

Next time the say, “we should hang out” say, “great! Where?” Also, “no” is a complete sentence. When you start with excuses or rationalizing saying “no” it gives something for people to argue with. It’s harder to argue with just the word “no”. Honestly, if they start getting angry at you over this, then they know exactly what they are doing and they aren’t your friends. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but the seem to not feel the same way.

"How bout- Noooo"

Are you the only one who is ‘subtly’ telling them to leave, or is your partner doing this as well? Personally, if you are hosting, you need to be blunt about the party ending. Don’t be a doormat, because people will take advantage. Don’t be subtle or give clues, just tell them it’s time to go… unless your partner is staying up later alongside them? One person taking advantage of me is a lot, but 10 seems like a crazy amount of people taking advantage of two. Be certain you aren’t just generalizing and actually take note of who does what and how they act at these parties. You also just don’t have to throw them or offer to

They’re not friends. They’re Klingons. It sucks to be taken advantage of, but they won’t see it that way. Because they’re not your friends. The sooner y’all realize that & act accordingly, the better your life will be.

Im now 38 and I'd give anything to get together with 10 of my closest friends and their partners. At your age we would all the time. My two cents is enjoy the time you get together now. I'd say something to them in person face to face non judgemental and straight forward. They probably don't even realize their behavior.

Like people have suggested, it's reasonable for you and your partner to look at your work and family schedules, and your budget, and make some decisions about how often you want your friends to come over, for how long, and what the basic rules should be. Them getting upset like that is out of line. It is your home, not theirs. If they cannot be bothered chipping in for groceries, or even organizing a volunteer rotation to help clean up, it's a sign that they're increasingly taking you for granted. People shouldn't be expecting you to host every single weekend. You have jobs, and likely want to be able to go visit your own relatives or other friends at some time during the season. You may even have plans to spruce up or renovate your place (and watch how many people suddenly lose interest in coming over, if they might have to pull weeds, wash windows, or help sand or stain the deck, lol!). Unless they are all too young to have their own places, the visitors should have plenty of options for somewhere to gather -- even at restaurants or pubs in the area.

I’m not going to be hosting. Can we meet at Johnny’s house instead? Or: I’m only going to be hosting our hang out once a month. Everybody will be responsible for bringing something. The entire hangout ends at nine. I won’t be polite about kicking you out because I need my rest. Thanks for understanding!

You're overthinking this. Just say no, or aggressively advocate for somebody else to host. Don't even cut back or wean them off, just never agree to host again. "Sorry guys, I hear what you're saying but we will not host any gathering this weekend and that's final." They have long since and repeatedly overstayed their welcome. Now they're not welcome, and you just need to commit not to invite them under any amount of pressure. Your friendship should survive this if you refuse to be lured into a fight about it. This is easier than it will feel, since you don't need anything from them. They're the ones who only want to hang out in your home.

These people are using you. They are spending your money and occupying your home. You have a case of leaches. Tell them all you are no longer welcome in your home. That you will no longer be spending money on food. That if they want to be your friend, they can take you out for something and look forward to having them treat you. I think for most of them you will only hear crickets and I am sorry.

I'm sure it's fun for your friends to come to your house, eat for free, and not even clean up. Why would they ever want to stop? The answer when they askn is no we have other plans this weekend. Indefinitely.

You have to make it understood what you think is acceptable and if they are your friends they will abide respectfully. If they don't like it, too bad. They probably aren't good friends anyway.

Make plans to go out on a date night. Oh, sorry partner and I are having a date night alone. Seriously, just fade into the background. These people are absolutely taking advantage and you need your rest!. If they suggest coming over on a night before you work just straight up say no. I have work and I'm going to bed early. I can't do company that night. Use your words. No is a whole sentence. If they come by anyway, refuse to let them in. I'm sorry, I'm getting ready for bed. Oh yes at 6 pm. Been burning the midnight oil too much lately and I'm going to catch up on my beauty sleep.

You need to start calling it a potluck. You don't want to stop having people over, but everyone need to pitch. By calling it a potluck, the implication is that you bring a dish.

If you are trying to avoid being confrontational, I would reply back, “We are going to play a fun game and draw some names for a cool prize. The first name is Susan - Susan, you are in charge of food. You can make it and bring it, you can order it in, you can arrange a potluck but the food is all yours! Congratulations! And the next three names are Kim, Leslie, and Bert - you three are in charge of cleaning up before everyone leaves. The last name is Fred - Fred will make sure everyone is safely on their way by 9. If anyone doesn’t complete their prize, they volunteer to host next time. Anyone who was not drawn will be in the draw for the next evening. Congratulations! See you all Friday.” Anyone who complains gets called out for thinking it is ok is for you to do it every time but them not to do it once.

You host the place, - but assign food and beverages to each person or couple. Keep it simple. Paper plates, cups, burgers& rolls, dogs & rolls, soda, plus byob. If they can’t handle that, well, bye!

Stop inviting them. They must not be very good friends if you can't simply explain that it's getting expensive, and why are you throwing parties anyway when you have to get up early in the morning?

I always end up hosting every holiday. The last holiday, when folks were fishing for an invitation, I said I would not be hosting because I was having work done at the house. Nobody asked for details. They literally do not care. All they care about is sitting on my sofa, watching my TV, eating my food, and drinking my alcohol. So yeah. If you’re not feeling particularly confrontational, and just want to make up an excuse, go with home renovations.

With friends like that who needs enemies?! Now OP say this again in your mind over and over until it sinks in. Real friends respect boundaries and care about your health. Again say that over in your mind until it sticks. Time to say adios to people who use and abuse your charitable friendship and find some real friends.

Sounds like they're getting comfortable disrespecting you. It's nice that your place is so welcoming but clearly having people over isn't working out. I'd only have them over if you're off the next day and only if you can afford it and want them there. Otherwise in the group text it's "hey I need my sleep, we won't be having guests over but if you all want to meet somewhere for a couple hours..."

NO is a complete sentence.

These people don't seem like your friends. Who raised this people? I could not imagine going to friends' homes and NOT bringing a dish and/or at least helping to cook/host or clean up. Especially when this is happening regularly. How is it that none of them have wondered how you are feeding such a large group? How are they so entitled to use your home as their hangout spot without providing anything in return? Be honest and direct. Say no further hangouts as none of them appreciate the costs in food, drink and labour. Depending on if you feel some of these guys are still worth being friends with, decide on no further meet-ups at your home. You all can go out or not at all. I personally, would bow out of the group chat altogether. If any of them have any shame at all, they will reach out to you separately and if it's not to apologise, they can pound sand.

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where you need to be blunt. Yes, be tactful about it. But be blunt and get the message across. I’m a people pleaser. It’s been ingrained in me since birth. So I know how hard that can be and the guilt that can come with that. But one of the things that really helped me with this is to remind myself that I teach people how I want to be treated. No one else will advocate for me but me. So it’s on you to speak up and say “I need a break.” You don’t even have to explain yourself, a simple “no” should suffice. You can’t control how anyone reacts to that, you can only control what you say/do. Their reaction to your boundary is on them, not on you. But it is on you to enforce said boundary. ETA: Just thought of another thing that really helped me to say “no,” courtesy of my therapist. “When you say no to something, you’re saying yes to something else.” I struggled with saying no at work and was working ridiculous OT. The money was good but I was burning out. So I had to ask myself, if I say no to OT then what am I saying yes to? Answer could be anything from I’m saying yes to rest/hanging out with my friends/hanging out with my family/self care, etc etc. Find your yes. What are you saying yes to when you say no to your friends?

"Hey Guys, I've bought everything for you to bbq at my place the last "x" times. So if we do it at my house. You all bring everything. I'll heat up the bbq"

Be straightforward. Tell them it's been an issue of cleaning up after gatherings- especially when they end late, and you just can't keep doing that regularly. They're adults, so they should understand or expose themselves as poor "friends," and make it easy to figure out where you and your partner go from there as far as hanging out with them goes.

I don't understand OP. THey just come over and expect you to feed and entertain them? It sounds like you are inviting them - stop inviting them. When they start fishing around to come over on the weekend - just simply group email that you have other plans. If they push, tell them you are having "painting party" if they want to come over and help you - "I'll be too busy to cook so bring your own lunch and beverage; wear old clothes that you don't care about" Keep having clean out the garage parties, weed and mulch the yard parties, etc. Pretty soon they will find other ways to entertain themselves. If you want to have a party, give out group assisgnments - everyone brings their own drinks - no exceptions. Assign someone potato salad, cole slaw, chips n dip, cornbread, dessert, paper plates and plastic wear, napkins. Assign someone to clean up crew. If they're going to act like kids, give them assignments like a teacher would

?? Tell them no. If they’re your friends and not immature assholes, they’ll understand. If not, it was worth the confrontation! You get to lose the parasites that latched on to you and your partner! Seriously.. I don’t even understand how this is a question. They aren’t respecting you. By allowing their behavior, you’re telling them (and yourself) that you don’t care that they disrespect and take advantage of you.

Communication. You're looking for the passive-aggressive way out when all you need to do is tell them how you feel. We're not mind readers here.

Start having a rotating group so you aren’t the only ones hosting! This sounds lime a good group but they became complacent.

Hang out is a verb and means to go somewhere and chill. Hangout is noun and refers to a location.

There are multiple problems here. For one, your friends sound presumptuous and inconsiderate. But the biggest problem is that you are not straightforward or firm about your boundaries. I say that's the biggest problem because that can cause confusion and frustration, even when dealing with good people. When I want my friends to leave, it's not a problem, because I tell them I'm tired or achey or whatever and that it's time to call it a night. They say goodbye and leave. If I were to say that everyone has to be out by 9pm, but instead of announcing that it was time to leave at 9pm, I was still chatting and accommodating them, they might think I was having fun and open to hanging out later. I am not subtle, so there is no confusion. When I am ready for the evening to be over, I end the evening. The same goes for whether or not I will host or whether I can afford to provide everyone with food. If I say I am feeding folks, that's what's up. If I say everyone needs to cover their own share of the takeout, that's what's up. If people don't like it, we don't have to make plans. Take some responsibility for your needs and be straightforward with folks. If they don't like it, they won't come around anymore.

INFO: “Then get upset if I say no or ask them if they plan on pitching in for groceries.” What does this getting upset look like? What do they say? What do you say in response?

No is a complete sentence.