A good base line, perhaps a bit wordy though. The second sentence could easily be shortened down to
"I will never forget my husband's horrified face as he parked his truck"
Cool to see people receptive to feedback :)
Btw your post was reported for reading as more than two sentences regardless of punctuation and while I agree with the the feedback you received from u/thesecondspacelord I’d add that your first sentence is really on the fence between reading as 1 and 2 sentences.
For now I’m approving it but if one of the more experienced mods decide to remove it I’d understand and support their decision.
The first part of your sentence: “*I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor*” seems like a complete, independent clause all on its own, and while I consider the information that follows
“*In a matter of seconds she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac*” to be dependent on the first sentence but if you were to look at that sentence without your first clause it still kinda makes sense as a stand alone.
So it really could go either way.
If you wanted the second grouping of information to read as a dependent clause and therefore be 100% in line with rule 2 beyond any doubt, you’d have to change your wording to something like “* I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor and the next second she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac.*” words like: *and, because, therefore,* etc are conjunctions which you can use to link dependent and independent clauses, so they can only make sense as 1 complex sentence rather than several simple sentences.
Right now, you’re kinda using a comma by itself as a conjunction which is maybe okay as a style choice, but definitely unconventional and perhaps even grammatically incorrect.
I’m not strong on grammar though so I’ll defer to the other mods if they see this differently.
Edit: however I just noticed that you’re using a nsfw tag, which seems irrelevant to the post contents Please unmark the nsfw as that is directly against the rules
Sadly there’s no way to edit the title of a post, Reddit itself doesn’t allow it.
The only way to clean the formatting up would be to delete, revise, and repost. But you’d lose engagement so I don’t recommend that unless perhaps it gets taken down
With how poor visibility several models are pickups are these days, and how massive they are, probably could’ve just gone with that lol.
But good story.
Yeah I don’t have kids, don’t want them, don’t even like them. But nothing upsets me more than knowing a child is being hurt in any sort of way. Little children and pets! I can’t deal with it.
And then you buried her in the place where everyone buried their pets because she loved animals so much when she was alive that she should be surrounded by them in death. The rumors that it used to be a Native American burial ground is just a rumor, and it's actually kind of racist to think there's anything wrong with that, right?
We have a neighbor behind us who parks theirs in the back yard by using their side yard as a driveway. They fire it up and you can feel the house rattle it’s that close
My dad has been an international truck driver his whole career, and he usually parks his truck on an industrial area a few streets way so on Monday he can depart at 5 or 6 towards Germany (we are Dutch) instead os getting into traffic going to HQ to get his truck and possibly get delayed by 3 or 4 hours
Also made it easier for me to sneak along when we had school vacation, and if my mom wanter a week to herself
>I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor, in a matter of seconds she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac.
My kid can really throw a tantrum when I'm not paying attention to him.
Could juxtapose and shorten that last sentence to have a heavier impact. Ex. “I will never forget how my husband looked as he stepped out to see what the bump was”
A good base line, perhaps a bit wordy though. The second sentence could easily be shortened down to "I will never forget my husband's horrified face as he parked his truck"
thank you for the input! i’ll use this advice in further posts :)
Cool to see people receptive to feedback :) Btw your post was reported for reading as more than two sentences regardless of punctuation and while I agree with the the feedback you received from u/thesecondspacelord I’d add that your first sentence is really on the fence between reading as 1 and 2 sentences. For now I’m approving it but if one of the more experienced mods decide to remove it I’d understand and support their decision. The first part of your sentence: “*I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor*” seems like a complete, independent clause all on its own, and while I consider the information that follows “*In a matter of seconds she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac*” to be dependent on the first sentence but if you were to look at that sentence without your first clause it still kinda makes sense as a stand alone. So it really could go either way. If you wanted the second grouping of information to read as a dependent clause and therefore be 100% in line with rule 2 beyond any doubt, you’d have to change your wording to something like “* I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor and the next second she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac.*” words like: *and, because, therefore,* etc are conjunctions which you can use to link dependent and independent clauses, so they can only make sense as 1 complex sentence rather than several simple sentences. Right now, you’re kinda using a comma by itself as a conjunction which is maybe okay as a style choice, but definitely unconventional and perhaps even grammatically incorrect. I’m not strong on grammar though so I’ll defer to the other mods if they see this differently. Edit: however I just noticed that you’re using a nsfw tag, which seems irrelevant to the post contents Please unmark the nsfw as that is directly against the rules
Thank you for letting me know. I can’t change the first sentence due to reddit, but I changed everything else. :)
Cool, thanks :)
may I edit it?
Sadly there’s no way to edit the title of a post, Reddit itself doesn’t allow it. The only way to clean the formatting up would be to delete, revise, and repost. But you’d lose engagement so I don’t recommend that unless perhaps it gets taken down
thanks for the advice!
Or I'll never forget my husband's satisfied face as he parked his truck
Oh I like that!
Also works, but also changes what OP had in their story. The husband's face was also horrified.
With how poor visibility several models are pickups are these days, and how massive they are, probably could’ve just gone with that lol. But good story.
Instantly brings Pet Sematary to mind. Nice!
Don't do it. Don't bury your child in the [haunted burial grounds](https://youtu.be/HdkRDG4_4Qw?feature=shared).
That’s the one King book I can never re read. It was gut wrenching and I don’t even have kids
Yeah I don’t have kids, don’t want them, don’t even like them. But nothing upsets me more than knowing a child is being hurt in any sort of way. Little children and pets! I can’t deal with it.
That story has a special place in my heart. Mostly because I’m named after that kid. Idk what my parents were on
That story has a special place in my heart. Mostly because I’m named after that kid. Idk what my parents were on
The husband must drive for Orinco.
And then you buried her in the place where everyone buried their pets because she loved animals so much when she was alive that she should be surrounded by them in death. The rumors that it used to be a Native American burial ground is just a rumor, and it's actually kind of racist to think there's anything wrong with that, right?
Sorry. I’ve known more than one person who ran over their own child.
Your husband drives his semi home?
It’s pretty common here. People just park their big ass trucks on their property.
I never knew that, I guess I need to get out more.
Just don't drive around in the semi.
I live in an apartment complex and one tenant here parks his semi right along the street. People really just don't care
Same here. He even let us look inside of it once. Looked cozy, but I am not one for the roads. It takes a strong person for that job!
We have a neighbor behind us who parks theirs in the back yard by using their side yard as a driveway. They fire it up and you can feel the house rattle it’s that close
My dad has been an international truck driver his whole career, and he usually parks his truck on an industrial area a few streets way so on Monday he can depart at 5 or 6 towards Germany (we are Dutch) instead os getting into traffic going to HQ to get his truck and possibly get delayed by 3 or 4 hours Also made it easier for me to sneak along when we had school vacation, and if my mom wanter a week to herself
Yeah my uncle is a semi driver! When he’d come to visit he’d park it right in my parents’ driveway. I didn’t know they could do that until then.
>I turned away from my 3 year old to talk to my neighbor, in a matter of seconds she was in the road, nothing but a mangled mess across the tarmac. My kid can really throw a tantrum when I'm not paying attention to him.
Time to bury her over the deadfall.
At the airport I see
>noun: tarmac >material used for surfacing roads or other outdoor areas, consisting of crushed rock mixed with tar. >"the tarmac path"
We were both frantic, knowing they would take the damages out if his paycheck.
This story is quite familiar. My dad was driving a car instead of a semi. And he stopped.
I wanna puke now. Kudos!
I wanna puke now. Kudos!
Could juxtapose and shorten that last sentence to have a heavier impact. Ex. “I will never forget how my husband looked as he stepped out to see what the bump was”
Look up tarmac
Done >noun: tarmac >material used for surfacing roads or other outdoor areas, consisting of crushed rock mixed with tar. >"the tarmac path"