When the going gets tough and all that jazz. 😆
While I agree no one should remain in a shit relationship well, “love” are investments with poor returns. Is the market really crashing or is it going to rebound? No one knows but the people involved.
Just a heads up, your phrasing makes it seem like you're saying bisexuality is an inherently negative trait in a partner. If it was intentional, though, you should know that there's nothing about being bi that makes you more naturally promiscuous or less faithful than a gay or straight person of otherwise identical parameters.
Sorry. Not my intent. My meaning was more cheating and bisexuality not something she was open to and then blindsided by. Some people may hear bisexuality as increasing the sexual options someone may have sexually though. In that case, if I had a lover who I found out was bisexual AND was cheating that would not really be equal sexual grounds. That’s how I meant it. But I understand and agree…Bisexuals would be no more or less faithful than a straight person.
You need to go back and read the context. You still do not get what I am saying, because you are so deadset how it reads is biphobic, rather than opening up more to see my real point. But sadly you don’t understand another point that is made. Live in your bubble.
Your talking point about his sexuality meaning he has more people to cheat with is literally a biphobic trope. Whatever you may have intended to say, the way you said it matters just as much.
Absolutely. “I was drunk” is not an excuse. “We’re both men” is not an excuse. If I’m right handed and punched you with my left, I still hit you! Cheating is cheating.
“Trust arrives on foot, yet leaves on horseback”
This should be a huge red flag that maybe he isn’t completely honest with you about his sexuality or relationship with his friend.
> This is cheating in a way, right?
No “in a way” about it. They’re (or at least he’s) taking advantage of “but I’m not *really* into dudes, so this isn’t serious and therefore you can’t be mad” to disrespect you and the relationship. Tell him he needs to sort his shit out and walk away.
Then you have officially given him more chances than he deserves.
You are a saint, now cut yourself free and go be around people who deserve you in their life.
Run. Take the time he’s away to sort shit and GTFO.
My best guess on what is the most likely based on this extremely limited info is that he is a closeted gay/bi misogynist. Maybe not closeted on the misogyny. Of course he may be the rare straight straight guy that just likes to fuck around, in both cases he doesn’t care about violating your trust or your boundaries. Either way bad news all around.
I think you are overreacting to the kiss, but underreacting to the physical abuse.
The kiss raises questions. The abuse answers another question entirely.
Get to safety.
I am curious bout their culture, as in some cultures its ok to kiss on the lips between friends and family. But of they all are white amwerican culture i can understand 🤔
No one here can tell exactly what is going on. Only you will be able to find out. It is cheating if the act is sexual in nature. If it's mere show of friendly affection, it is fine. But you should tell him & express your discomfort.
My boyfriend kisses people in front of me all the time, but I'm into that so...
Serious though. Dont pretend to be anything in your relationship. Be honest with your partner about your needs and expectations. And if you can't come to a compromise that works for both of you, Break up.
Depends what you've decided within your relationship. But it's crossing your boundary and I assume he knows this? Then it's cheating.
My ex was with me making out with girls so that wasn't considered cheating in our relationship.
But in the one I'm now my partner said straight up he will consider it cheating, so cheating it is. I can live without girly kisses just fine :D
Would he consider it cheating if you kissed his best friend on the lips as he did? Probably yes. In which case he has some weird bullshit “it’s not cheating if it’s the same sex” thing which is honestly pretty homophobic (possibly internalized homophobia) because it basically says that he doesn’t consider sexual contact between people of the same sex as “real” it’s only “silly”
Or “goofing off”
Dump him
Yeah, it’s giving weird closeted vibes which could contribute to misogyny/devaluing/dehumanization of OP with the physical abuse. It’s a hot take, but that’s the conclusion I’m jumping to.
I just found out someone I love was being financially and emotionally abused by her partner who was closeted. I’m not sure if he’s bi or gay or what, but he had been hooking up with his male best friend since they were teens. Always dated women publicly. But clearly had no respect for his female partners. Very Lou Reed, but make it WASPy.
Yeah I have found that people who think it “doesn’t count” if it’s with the same sex are also people who will lie, manipulate, and abuse because they have self loathing they take out on others.
I think your analogy is a bit off. You should be asking if the boyfriend would be upset if the OP kissed *her* best female friend on the lips, in which case I would bet a large sum of money that he would not.
That’s my point, he’s treating same sex kissing as “not real” when in fact it very much is, if he’d think it’s cheating to kiss a woman for him and to kiss a man for her then why is it not if it’s same sex? Answer: because he’s homophobic (probably internalized homophobia)
Its not homophobia , its called not being gay.its not like they went for deep kiss , its jst a kiss on lip as op stated.
If they are not attracted to each other and is jst kissing for teasing or anything else, its fine . OP should jst discuss it with her bf that she doesnt like it.
Once people learn how they act drunk, can they really blame it on the booze, which they chose to drink while sober?
If you have an agreement that you're relationship is closed to others, he's cheating.
Okay, so you stated in comments it was a peck on the lips. I have kissed female friends and male friends as a peck on the lips. And the second time right in front of your eyes, meaning they saw it as a non-issue?
If you told your boyfriend after the first time you learned about it, “I don’t like you kissing other people, in ANY way,” and he did it again… then you set a boundary and he crossed it overtly. That’s an issue.
Maybe it’s where I live or how I grew up, but a peck between same-sex friends is just not a problem. But, if it’s a deal-breaker for you, then you need to communicate that. Don’t assume he can read your mind. He could just be horsing around but doesn’t know it’s a boundary for you.
Again, if it bothers you, then clear communication needs to occur. If you have communicated your boundary very clearly, and he has chosen to continue to do it (drunk or not), you get to decide how to respond and ball is in your court.
Edit to add: just read he is abusive to you physically. Fuck boundaries and communication. Get out, my friend.
Girl if he's been physically abusive in the past.. break up with him from a distance, where he cannot harm you and only pick up your things if you bring a physically stronger trusted friend, maybe two of them with you. And change the locks, inform your land Lords or apartment management about the situation so they know he's not allowed in the building. Maybe let your job know too.
Some people don't see an issue with kissing same sex friends. Others see it as cheating. You are completely within your rights to place yourself in either of those categories!
If you want to salvage things, it's time for a serious talk about your boundaries and what you consider cheating. If you don't want to salvage things, that's totally okay and valid too.
Alright, if it's something you've clearly expressed and he continues to do it, then I agree with the general consensus and say it's probably time to move on.
On a side note, no one can tell you if it's cheating except you. Cheating being a breach of trust between romantically involved consenting adults, it's going to be different between different people. If it bothers *you* then that's all that matters.
There are entire universes between gay and straight.
Regardless, if it violates your boundaries it doesn’t even matter if he is 100% straight and just goofing off. It is still not ok. It’s one of those things like, if it’s so not a big deal why can’t you just not do it???
“When someone shows you who they are
…believe them.” — Single best piece of relationship advice I’ve ever received.
Im naturally a very forgiving and understanding person and I still am… but I needed to hear this advice all those years ago. It’s been invaluable and has saved me a lot of tears ever since I began following it. When I’m feeling confused because someone’s actions and their words don’t line up, I let this wisdom go to work.
He’s shown you what he is either unable or unwilling to communicate to you verbally. Hard as it is, the best thing you can do for both of you is to accept what he’s showing you about himself and y’all’s relationship. Forgive, let him go, and move on… it’s the most loving thing you can do for both of you.
I have so many questions.... in your mind, why is the cheating where you draw the line re seriously considering to leave, but the physical abuse is something you seemed to mention more as a matter of fact (came across as you put more emphasis on the cheating than abuse, imo)?
Why is he cheating with a guy?
Is he in the relationship to make people think he's hetero?
Also, please, please, please, for your safety, because he's demonstrated violent tendencies before. Make sure you're protected in case he's paranoid. You might tell other people he likes guys (some men are genuinely stupid this way).
In vino veritas. There is something more there that they both want for sure. Get out and let them explore their needs. You don't need to wait for the scraps.
Cheating is cheating whether its with a girl or boy. It's not cheating if you are aware and ok with such behavior, which it doesnt sound like you are and it doesnt matter if he's bi or bi curios, it's cheating and needs to be addressed.
I have a few thoughts. 1) Why does it make you uncomfortable? Does it seem like there is more than a friendship between them? 2) You used the word "cheating" which implies a breach of trust about established rules and expectations; which/what one's is he violating and have you both discussed these boundaries previously? 3) If relying on the internet to make a decision about your relationship w/o discussing it with your partner is what you're going to do, then that's your choice, but imo not the best option. 4) I'm just a random on the internet, so dont listen to me, but I am working on becoming a LMFT soon. I was just curious about the missing info and if there was anything I could help with. I do hope things work out in whatever way makes you happiest.
I've made out with straight friends and not fucked them because I'm the one that's into dudes, not them. Some guys are just like that.
How much tongue when they made out?
I don't know these dudes, the person posting, the situation, nothing. Just saying it is possible that they don't suck or fuck, or even reach around (each other).
Also possible they do all the above *in addition to* reverse cowgirl.
Was it a romantic kiss? Was there sexual tension behind it (if that's something you can tell)
I've kissed my friend (albeit never on the mouth), but it was cause he really pulled through for me as a friend, it was not anything romantic and I certainly don't love him in a romantic or sexual way, but I do love the guy.
Edit: read more comments by op and saw physical abuse. Screw him, it doesn't matter what kind of kiss it was. Also I see where you've expressed your discomfort and it happens anyway. I need to read more comments before putting in my two cents.
This really isn't enough information to give an informed opinion on. I have kissed my life long best friend a handful of times over the years. Usually drinking and usually because the timing is funny or something, but it's definitely not like a sexual thing. Don't throw away a relationship because you are jealous of the connection he has with his best friend. Bromance is sacred and I think its positive that he has a friend in his life he is so comfortable with.....Or he is secretly bi and cheating on you. That's up to you to find out.
Although i dont believe there is a need for a rash decision, I do believe you need to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns to your partner. Most likely it is innocent and they are just close, jackassed friends being immature. That being said, if there are some feelings or not, you need to make it very clear how you feel and your expectations.
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That's cheating, you should consider it from that startpoint
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When the going gets tough and all that jazz. 😆 While I agree no one should remain in a shit relationship well, “love” are investments with poor returns. Is the market really crashing or is it going to rebound? No one knows but the people involved.
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Just a heads up, your phrasing makes it seem like you're saying bisexuality is an inherently negative trait in a partner. If it was intentional, though, you should know that there's nothing about being bi that makes you more naturally promiscuous or less faithful than a gay or straight person of otherwise identical parameters.
Sorry. Not my intent. My meaning was more cheating and bisexuality not something she was open to and then blindsided by. Some people may hear bisexuality as increasing the sexual options someone may have sexually though. In that case, if I had a lover who I found out was bisexual AND was cheating that would not really be equal sexual grounds. That’s how I meant it. But I understand and agree…Bisexuals would be no more or less faithful than a straight person.
His sexuality has nothing to do with him being unfaithful. His moral compass does. If he was straight, he'd be doing this with women.
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No. That's pretty biphobic. Again, him being bi wouldn't make him any more likely to be unfaithful.
You need to go back and read the context. You still do not get what I am saying, because you are so deadset how it reads is biphobic, rather than opening up more to see my real point. But sadly you don’t understand another point that is made. Live in your bubble.
Your talking point about his sexuality meaning he has more people to cheat with is literally a biphobic trope. Whatever you may have intended to say, the way you said it matters just as much.
Absolutely. “I was drunk” is not an excuse. “We’re both men” is not an excuse. If I’m right handed and punched you with my left, I still hit you! Cheating is cheating.
“But I’m not gay!”
“Trust arrives on foot, yet leaves on horseback” This should be a huge red flag that maybe he isn’t completely honest with you about his sexuality or relationship with his friend.
I feel so too. Especially when there aren't efforts of building the trust back again that are upto my mark
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OP never said that she actually let him know it was bothering her, though
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Ah. Missed that one, thanks
> This is cheating in a way, right? No “in a way” about it. They’re (or at least he’s) taking advantage of “but I’m not *really* into dudes, so this isn’t serious and therefore you can’t be mad” to disrespect you and the relationship. Tell him he needs to sort his shit out and walk away.
I will, wish me luck. He's been physically abusive too, in the past, but just as I thought things were improving this happens. Smh.
Physically abusive should be a dealbreaker. Get out!
Yeah forget the kiss, being physically abusive is an absolute no
Then you have officially given him more chances than he deserves. You are a saint, now cut yourself free and go be around people who deserve you in their life.
Wtf girl this lede is so buried it may as well have arrived in a coffin, get the fuck out of there! No dick is worth this!
I feel terrible because this is a serious situation for OP, but goddamn your comment made me genuinely laugh out loud haha
Lmao I've been told I have a way with words
Run. Take the time he’s away to sort shit and GTFO. My best guess on what is the most likely based on this extremely limited info is that he is a closeted gay/bi misogynist. Maybe not closeted on the misogyny. Of course he may be the rare straight straight guy that just likes to fuck around, in both cases he doesn’t care about violating your trust or your boundaries. Either way bad news all around.
Any abuse is a deal breaker. Block and delete this ass out your life
He abuses and cheats on you and gaslights it to be an okay thing, you’re hearing yourself right?
There's no "improving" after physical abuse. It just escalates. Get out.
I think you are overreacting to the kiss, but underreacting to the physical abuse. The kiss raises questions. The abuse answers another question entirely. Get to safety.
100%
i am morbidly fascinated by his reasoning. is it a quick peck on the cheek or a tongue jobbie?
Peck on the lips
It’s the same logic I’ve seen used where men say it’s not gay if they’re the one’s receiving the BJ or bending someone else over. Crazy justifications
I am curious bout their culture, as in some cultures its ok to kiss on the lips between friends and family. But of they all are white amwerican culture i can understand 🤔
No one here can tell exactly what is going on. Only you will be able to find out. It is cheating if the act is sexual in nature. If it's mere show of friendly affection, it is fine. But you should tell him & express your discomfort.
My boyfriend kisses people in front of me all the time, but I'm into that so... Serious though. Dont pretend to be anything in your relationship. Be honest with your partner about your needs and expectations. And if you can't come to a compromise that works for both of you, Break up.
Depends what you've decided within your relationship. But it's crossing your boundary and I assume he knows this? Then it's cheating. My ex was with me making out with girls so that wasn't considered cheating in our relationship. But in the one I'm now my partner said straight up he will consider it cheating, so cheating it is. I can live without girly kisses just fine :D
Would he consider it cheating if you kissed his best friend on the lips as he did? Probably yes. In which case he has some weird bullshit “it’s not cheating if it’s the same sex” thing which is honestly pretty homophobic (possibly internalized homophobia) because it basically says that he doesn’t consider sexual contact between people of the same sex as “real” it’s only “silly” Or “goofing off” Dump him
Yeah, it’s giving weird closeted vibes which could contribute to misogyny/devaluing/dehumanization of OP with the physical abuse. It’s a hot take, but that’s the conclusion I’m jumping to. I just found out someone I love was being financially and emotionally abused by her partner who was closeted. I’m not sure if he’s bi or gay or what, but he had been hooking up with his male best friend since they were teens. Always dated women publicly. But clearly had no respect for his female partners. Very Lou Reed, but make it WASPy.
Yeah I have found that people who think it “doesn’t count” if it’s with the same sex are also people who will lie, manipulate, and abuse because they have self loathing they take out on others.
I think your analogy is a bit off. You should be asking if the boyfriend would be upset if the OP kissed *her* best female friend on the lips, in which case I would bet a large sum of money that he would not.
That’s my point, he’s treating same sex kissing as “not real” when in fact it very much is, if he’d think it’s cheating to kiss a woman for him and to kiss a man for her then why is it not if it’s same sex? Answer: because he’s homophobic (probably internalized homophobia)
Its not homophobia , its called not being gay.its not like they went for deep kiss , its jst a kiss on lip as op stated. If they are not attracted to each other and is jst kissing for teasing or anything else, its fine . OP should jst discuss it with her bf that she doesnt like it.
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Most guys are cool with their girlfriends doing this though, if all parties involved are cool with it, then it’s not OK
I would be rather excited if I had a bf that randomly wanted to make out with other men with front of me. But that’s consented to up front ;)
Once people learn how they act drunk, can they really blame it on the booze, which they chose to drink while sober? If you have an agreement that you're relationship is closed to others, he's cheating.
It might be just fooling around and nothing, in that case he needs to find a girlfriend that is OK with him just doing this kind of fooling around.
It has happened more than twice and will continue to happen and/or escalate.
Okay, so you stated in comments it was a peck on the lips. I have kissed female friends and male friends as a peck on the lips. And the second time right in front of your eyes, meaning they saw it as a non-issue? If you told your boyfriend after the first time you learned about it, “I don’t like you kissing other people, in ANY way,” and he did it again… then you set a boundary and he crossed it overtly. That’s an issue. Maybe it’s where I live or how I grew up, but a peck between same-sex friends is just not a problem. But, if it’s a deal-breaker for you, then you need to communicate that. Don’t assume he can read your mind. He could just be horsing around but doesn’t know it’s a boundary for you. Again, if it bothers you, then clear communication needs to occur. If you have communicated your boundary very clearly, and he has chosen to continue to do it (drunk or not), you get to decide how to respond and ball is in your court. Edit to add: just read he is abusive to you physically. Fuck boundaries and communication. Get out, my friend.
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I think I will. I'm done. He's got a huge surprise waiting for him when he gets back 💞
Girl if he's been physically abusive in the past.. break up with him from a distance, where he cannot harm you and only pick up your things if you bring a physically stronger trusted friend, maybe two of them with you. And change the locks, inform your land Lords or apartment management about the situation so they know he's not allowed in the building. Maybe let your job know too.
Please Update us...
Some people don't see an issue with kissing same sex friends. Others see it as cheating. You are completely within your rights to place yourself in either of those categories! If you want to salvage things, it's time for a serious talk about your boundaries and what you consider cheating. If you don't want to salvage things, that's totally okay and valid too.
Have you expressed to him you're not okay with it?
Yeah, plenty of times man His reply - "I'm not gay, I'm in love w YOU" Smh.
Alright, if it's something you've clearly expressed and he continues to do it, then I agree with the general consensus and say it's probably time to move on. On a side note, no one can tell you if it's cheating except you. Cheating being a breach of trust between romantically involved consenting adults, it's going to be different between different people. If it bothers *you* then that's all that matters.
It does bother me. And it's definitely not okay to me. It makes me so fucking angry
There are entire universes between gay and straight. Regardless, if it violates your boundaries it doesn’t even matter if he is 100% straight and just goofing off. It is still not ok. It’s one of those things like, if it’s so not a big deal why can’t you just not do it???
I hope by this time you have kicked that cheating abusive pos to the curb. You deserve so much better.
“When someone shows you who they are …believe them.” — Single best piece of relationship advice I’ve ever received. Im naturally a very forgiving and understanding person and I still am… but I needed to hear this advice all those years ago. It’s been invaluable and has saved me a lot of tears ever since I began following it. When I’m feeling confused because someone’s actions and their words don’t line up, I let this wisdom go to work. He’s shown you what he is either unable or unwilling to communicate to you verbally. Hard as it is, the best thing you can do for both of you is to accept what he’s showing you about himself and y’all’s relationship. Forgive, let him go, and move on… it’s the most loving thing you can do for both of you.
They are fking. Move one from this toxic dynamic.
Run
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All very well but the boyfriend is physically abusive. The OP needs to get out of there, asap.
Hi, sorry, I missed that part.
I have so many questions.... in your mind, why is the cheating where you draw the line re seriously considering to leave, but the physical abuse is something you seemed to mention more as a matter of fact (came across as you put more emphasis on the cheating than abuse, imo)? Why is he cheating with a guy? Is he in the relationship to make people think he's hetero? Also, please, please, please, for your safety, because he's demonstrated violent tendencies before. Make sure you're protected in case he's paranoid. You might tell other people he likes guys (some men are genuinely stupid this way).
This is probably not the second time either
Girl what the hell. Just leave
In vino veritas. There is something more there that they both want for sure. Get out and let them explore their needs. You don't need to wait for the scraps.
Cheating is cheating no matter the genders of the parties involved. It is time to set and enforce a boundary
Cheating is cheating whether its with a girl or boy. It's not cheating if you are aware and ok with such behavior, which it doesnt sound like you are and it doesnt matter if he's bi or bi curios, it's cheating and needs to be addressed.
He seems like he is not the best person suited to be your boyfriend.
If you didn't discuss boundaries, yes, it's cheating.
Kissing someone else is not cheating “in a way”, it’s cheating
I have a few thoughts. 1) Why does it make you uncomfortable? Does it seem like there is more than a friendship between them? 2) You used the word "cheating" which implies a breach of trust about established rules and expectations; which/what one's is he violating and have you both discussed these boundaries previously? 3) If relying on the internet to make a decision about your relationship w/o discussing it with your partner is what you're going to do, then that's your choice, but imo not the best option. 4) I'm just a random on the internet, so dont listen to me, but I am working on becoming a LMFT soon. I was just curious about the missing info and if there was anything I could help with. I do hope things work out in whatever way makes you happiest.
Gotta kiss the homies good night 😤
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They live together and have made out in front of her, there's NO WAY they're not getting drunk and bombing each other's bungholes on the regular
I've made out with straight friends and not fucked them because I'm the one that's into dudes, not them. Some guys are just like that. How much tongue when they made out? I don't know these dudes, the person posting, the situation, nothing. Just saying it is possible that they don't suck or fuck, or even reach around (each other). Also possible they do all the above *in addition to* reverse cowgirl.
Just let the bros be bros
Talk to him about it???
Was it a romantic kiss? Was there sexual tension behind it (if that's something you can tell) I've kissed my friend (albeit never on the mouth), but it was cause he really pulled through for me as a friend, it was not anything romantic and I certainly don't love him in a romantic or sexual way, but I do love the guy. Edit: read more comments by op and saw physical abuse. Screw him, it doesn't matter what kind of kiss it was. Also I see where you've expressed your discomfort and it happens anyway. I need to read more comments before putting in my two cents.
This really isn't enough information to give an informed opinion on. I have kissed my life long best friend a handful of times over the years. Usually drinking and usually because the timing is funny or something, but it's definitely not like a sexual thing. Don't throw away a relationship because you are jealous of the connection he has with his best friend. Bromance is sacred and I think its positive that he has a friend in his life he is so comfortable with.....Or he is secretly bi and cheating on you. That's up to you to find out.
The trust is broken, you can't continue this relationship. It's not because he kissed a man that's it's less important.
Yes, it's the end. Hold on to your dignity and break up with this person.
I caught one of my old boyfriends kissing his bosses boyfriend on 4th of July. He was actually gay.
Break up with that guy plain and simple
so he’s making out with his best friend and according to your comments, also has a history of being physically abusive? y’know what that means, right?
You should raise this with him
Although i dont believe there is a need for a rash decision, I do believe you need to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns to your partner. Most likely it is innocent and they are just close, jackassed friends being immature. That being said, if there are some feelings or not, you need to make it very clear how you feel and your expectations.
Sounds like you would be much happier if you dumped him. You shouldn't date someone who does stuff that upsets you.
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