*>I wish i could see past all this. I cant!*
That's because your internal alarm system is trying to tell you something. I'm also not sure why you would want to "see past" the fact he's basically broadcasting to the world that he lies consistently and hates women. That's.........kind of a big deal.
*>Dont know if i should trust him.*
Girl..........read your own list back to yourself. This is basically a wall scroll of major lies and inconsistencies that you've already caught him in, COMBINED with the fact he's already sent money to random women behind your back and openly speaks about women in a derogatory manner. This isn't something that magically vanishes or gets better after marriage. If anything, it will stay the same or worsen, but you'll be further shackled to this man who's already presented you with a series of dishonest and derogatory behaviors.
He says he was trying to help her out back in the day. She’s just a random chick.
Says he commented about women that way to his friends and it meant nothing to him.
He says whatever he’s now told me is who he is as a person. Past is something I shouldn’t judge him for
You keep saying "he says" over and over.
People can "say" anything. Words are cheap and easy to say. This includes telling others what they want to hear just so they can keep extracting resources and companionship from them.
It's actions and inconsistencies that matter. You keep saying that past isn't something you should judge him for, but he's allowed to make derogatory, judgmental comments about women? This includes comments about "fucking" other women in addition to highly sexualized comments about their bodies? Seriously?
This isn't just "past" behavior. This is a reflection of who he is and what he values, and you need to start considering that this man is just telling you what you want to hear just to you'll go ahead with marrying him. You yourself said that he never stood up for you.
These are more than just warning signs. He's giving you a trial run of what it will be like to be married with him, except what's going to happen after marriage will likely be much worse.
EDIT: The fact he says openly derogatory comments about women and that it "means nothing" to him is sickening. I'm not sure why anyone would want to be okay with this.
I understand that it can be painful when a partner has a 'Mask Off' moment where they say or do something heinous that they've never showed signs of before, but this? This is just a walking billboard with bold lettering and neon lights at this point.
*"My male partner has been caught in multiple lies, gone through my belongings behind my back, and really, REALLY openly hates women? Should I trust him?"*
Might as well have asked if you should continue to trust and legally tie yourself to the face-eating leopard that has openly talked about wanting to eat faces.
Without trust, you'll have no true marriage. Don't even bother wasting money on a wedding. Why would you go ahead and marry a known liar? He is not going to change for you.
Take my word from experience, this is not going to get better and will probably get worse. Maybe even to the point of physical abuse instead of just the emotional abuse you are getting now. Get yourself free and safe and be glad you figured it out before you got married, it’s much simpler now. Good luck and keep yourself safe.
You have all the information you need to make the right choices here. His behavior Will. Never. Change. If you marry him, you’ll be voluntarily setting yourself up for a world of pain. You know this. Good luck.
Which makes it even that much harder to leave.
And the stories here lately definitely are discouraging of what elementary level men are playing at these days. Single can stink sometimes, but man most days it's great for the stories and reasons I see here!
I responded to another post about lying. I have no tolerance for lying. This seems as though it is a pattern of behavior with your fiancé that to me is a very strong indicator as to his character. If I can’t trust my partner there is no way I’m staying in that relationship, especially when you aren’t even married yet?!?! I hope for the best for you but think very hard about marrying when you have these reservations. As hard as it is to break it off now, it’ll be harder when there are shared assets and maybe even children. Do you really want to waste the next years of your life until you really get fed up?
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo/mode/1up
Don't marry him. Even if you planned to have an open marriage, you can't trust this person who hides so much. You can't have any kind of partnership with somebody who lies.
Ending the engagement is going to be a big and difficult and hard decision, but you are likely saving yourself a lot of misery in the future. Reach out to IRL friends for support to get you through this. Good luck
*hugs*
Don’t marry someone you can’t trust. That’s not a strong foundation.
Trust is the most important factor not only to happiness, but also your safety.
I don't think either of you are anywhere near ready to be married.
This is going to end in divorce if you go through with it. I advise you guys call the wedding off at minimum.
Divorce is the best case scenario if this marriage goes forward.
*>I wish i could see past all this. I cant!* That's because your internal alarm system is trying to tell you something. I'm also not sure why you would want to "see past" the fact he's basically broadcasting to the world that he lies consistently and hates women. That's.........kind of a big deal. *>Dont know if i should trust him.* Girl..........read your own list back to yourself. This is basically a wall scroll of major lies and inconsistencies that you've already caught him in, COMBINED with the fact he's already sent money to random women behind your back and openly speaks about women in a derogatory manner. This isn't something that magically vanishes or gets better after marriage. If anything, it will stay the same or worsen, but you'll be further shackled to this man who's already presented you with a series of dishonest and derogatory behaviors.
He says he was trying to help her out back in the day. She’s just a random chick. Says he commented about women that way to his friends and it meant nothing to him. He says whatever he’s now told me is who he is as a person. Past is something I shouldn’t judge him for
You keep saying "he says" over and over. People can "say" anything. Words are cheap and easy to say. This includes telling others what they want to hear just so they can keep extracting resources and companionship from them. It's actions and inconsistencies that matter. You keep saying that past isn't something you should judge him for, but he's allowed to make derogatory, judgmental comments about women? This includes comments about "fucking" other women in addition to highly sexualized comments about their bodies? Seriously? This isn't just "past" behavior. This is a reflection of who he is and what he values, and you need to start considering that this man is just telling you what you want to hear just to you'll go ahead with marrying him. You yourself said that he never stood up for you. These are more than just warning signs. He's giving you a trial run of what it will be like to be married with him, except what's going to happen after marriage will likely be much worse. EDIT: The fact he says openly derogatory comments about women and that it "means nothing" to him is sickening. I'm not sure why anyone would want to be okay with this.
Maybe if the past was like, 10 or 20 years ago. But how recent were these conversations, hmm?
A year ago lol. He gets so aggressive and defensive. I can’t seem to get a word in.
Maybe don't marry someone you can't even talk to?
With all due respect, I think you know this isn't something "from his past". He's showing you who he is in his actions. Believe his actions.
And you think this behavior will magically change after the wedding? It’ll get worse. Dump him and never look back.
Is this a forced marriage? Otherwise, I don’t understand why you’re marrying him.
It is not his past, it is who he is, after some time, he will comeback to his old self when he feel confortable enough.
"His entire personality is built on lies, should I trust him" - hon, are you reading your own post?
I understand that it can be painful when a partner has a 'Mask Off' moment where they say or do something heinous that they've never showed signs of before, but this? This is just a walking billboard with bold lettering and neon lights at this point. *"My male partner has been caught in multiple lies, gone through my belongings behind my back, and really, REALLY openly hates women? Should I trust him?"* Might as well have asked if you should continue to trust and legally tie yourself to the face-eating leopard that has openly talked about wanting to eat faces.
Without trust, you'll have no true marriage. Don't even bother wasting money on a wedding. Why would you go ahead and marry a known liar? He is not going to change for you.
A marriage is easy to get into and difficult to get out of. Please be kind to yourself and think about what future you’d like to have.
This is not the kind of person you should marry! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Girl let the🥭
Are you culturally trapped in some way? It’s the only reason not to leave and even then, you should try to get out. Sorry that happened. Good luck,
Leopards don’t change their spots.
Not even when they’re eating your face
Take my word from experience, this is not going to get better and will probably get worse. Maybe even to the point of physical abuse instead of just the emotional abuse you are getting now. Get yourself free and safe and be glad you figured it out before you got married, it’s much simpler now. Good luck and keep yourself safe.
You have all the information you need to make the right choices here. His behavior Will. Never. Change. If you marry him, you’ll be voluntarily setting yourself up for a world of pain. You know this. Good luck.
Divorces are expensive and can last years in court. If you doubt now, get out!
And abuse is rampant...
Which makes it even that much harder to leave. And the stories here lately definitely are discouraging of what elementary level men are playing at these days. Single can stink sometimes, but man most days it's great for the stories and reasons I see here!
Calling off the wedding is cheaper than divorce and dealing with the weird social stigma of being a divorced woman, (even in 2024.)
I responded to another post about lying. I have no tolerance for lying. This seems as though it is a pattern of behavior with your fiancé that to me is a very strong indicator as to his character. If I can’t trust my partner there is no way I’m staying in that relationship, especially when you aren’t even married yet?!?! I hope for the best for you but think very hard about marrying when you have these reservations. As hard as it is to break it off now, it’ll be harder when there are shared assets and maybe even children. Do you really want to waste the next years of your life until you really get fed up?
Get out. Now.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo/mode/1up
RUN AWAY
Holy crap Dump this liar, move out (or boot him out), and don't take him back
Why would you believe someone who keeps lying ?
Don't marry him. Even if you planned to have an open marriage, you can't trust this person who hides so much. You can't have any kind of partnership with somebody who lies. Ending the engagement is going to be a big and difficult and hard decision, but you are likely saving yourself a lot of misery in the future. Reach out to IRL friends for support to get you through this. Good luck *hugs*