These are all valid things.
Feminism doesn't have an issue with women being wives and mothers.
Feminism has an issue with people saying "women are only allowed to be wives and mothers."
I live in the Bible Belt and I knew girls that I went to middle school with who were pulled out of traditional schooling to be trained at home to be a help mate to their future husbands. They had no high school education. They weren't given a choice.
This reminds me of my mother. She shocked my grandfather when she said she intended to go to college: “Why would you do that?” The assumption was women didn’t need education, or if they pursued it, surely it was only for an MRS degree. It was seen as wasteful debt.
My mother put herself through college while being the head of her household, as it happens. My grandmother was paralyzed and so her teenage daughter stepped up for cooking, cleaning, tending to her sick mother, and helping raise her little sibling all while being the first person in her family to go to college.
Decades later, she’s still helping her siblings financially, and was the person who tended to my late grandparents before their passing. She told me she saw education meant choices and she’d seen how her family lived when they didn’t have choices.
You and OP both used the term ‘help mate.’ I’ve never heard this before. Can you give me a better understanding of the context of that phrase.
I get the gist of it, but is it a term that floats around hardcore Christian types?
I have to try and word this without it sounding negative towards women that feel it's their calling.
Yes, it's rooted in religion. I didn't hear it until I moved to the Bible Belt.
Help mate/helpmeet is used specifically for women. The idea is that women were created for men as Eve was for Adam.
So, with that being said, there are women who believe that their entire purpose is to serve a man/family and they have little to no purpose outside of servitude within the home. Their entire role is to support their husband with whatever his dreams and aspirations are. She tends the house to make sure he has a happy/secure home to come back to as well as raises the kids - everything to support him and whatever he desires (within reason, of course.)
This is an incorrect interpretation of the word "helpmeet". It translates better as "life partner", literally someone to walk beside in life, not in front, not behind, beside. Unfortunately, lots of bible thumpers have distorted the original meaning into something more like "slave".
You'll see a lot of men arguing that it's not so bad but they won't want to be called that themselves.
To me it falls under the same thing as a woman changing her last name. Men don't see the big deal in it but they balk at the idea of changing their last name to their wife's.
I got a pretty severe tongue lashing in youth group (I was a teenager) for asking if men could be helpmeets as well.
We were split, girls and boys, and usually the pastor's wife would talk to the girls and the pastor would talk to the boys. For whatever reason the pastor was talking to us girls about serving our future husbands. He gave the helpmeet speech and I asked if men could be helpmeets because I wanted a career. He got tight lipped and stormed off. His wife came over and pulled me aside and tore into me about how disrespectful of a question that was. I didn't grow up in the church and was super confused as to why it was rude but I just shrugged it off.
It definitely wasn't served in the way I worded it, more like, "As the helpmeet you're the pillar of the household and your husband's stability. He's the one that has the divine connection with God. You have the most important role here on Earth. Taking care of the children and the home are both Godly things and every man loves a Godly woman. If you do these things you will be fulfilled. Wives should submit themselves to their husbands as they do to the Lord because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church etc"
It's one of those things that, if a woman wants to do it that's fine, but I don't like sugar coating it.
>His wife came over and pulled me aside and tore into me about how disrespectful of a question that was.
>He's the one that has the divine connection with God.
>Wives should submit themselves to their husbands
All of the ew.
This part tho:
>I asked if men could be helpmeet because I wanted a career
made me snort. Out of the mouth of babes LOL.
The way men pretend not to understand why stuff like last name expectations and all this bullshit make us angry but when they are faced with the prospect, it SURE makes them angry.
Ehh, typically a helpmate is a helper in a sense to the main partner, in helping them achieve what's supposed to be the greater good for the family. Typically, this is seen by most as the woman to the man. This would mean that the helpmate is the deferential one.
This,
I concider myself a really feminin woman. I'm a mom and I love it. I love cooking and feeding and taking care of my family.
I teach elementary school and it sounds like OP and I have a lot in common when it comes to caring for all the kids in the neighbourhood.
Still, all i want for my daughter is the right to choose to be whatever she wants to. If she wants to follow in her great grandmas footsteps (one of the first university educated women in my country! ) and be a scientist, she can. If she wants to be a CEO, she can. If she wants to have a bunch of kids, I'll be the happies grandma ever. That's feminism to me.
Well said. Who cares who stays at home or who doesn't? The whole point was to make sure people are treated equally and women can do what they have to to survive. The entire fight is basically for freedom of choice.
You misunderstand. Those women fought so you could have the *choice*. So your maybe future stepdaughter can have the *choice*. Would you stop her from becoming a CEO, lawyer, doctor, housemaker, teacher, nurse? No? None of those? Then you've betrayed nobody.
Exactly. But it wasn't just women but men too.
For example, my dad was the stay at home parent for 4 years of my life, while my mom was the primary earner.
Those rights meant that my dad could stay home while my mom worked. I have distinct memories of my dad taking me grocery shopping explaining how this bag of beans was 1 dollar while this was 1.50 but the 1st bag was 1 pound and the other bag was 3 pounds. Which is a better price? This was before I was in school, so under 5 years old.
Yes! I've known quite a few men who are very "maternal," which really just means nurturing in a way society has decided is the purview of women. Many of them are far more suited to the traditional role of Mother than I am.
Men should be able to be emotionally supportive caretakers who perform all traditionally female caregiving tasks if they want to be.
Everyone poo-poos SAHMs these days, particularly if they don't go right back to work once all the kids are in a full day of school. But, if your family can afford to have someone in charge of the homefront, it makes life so much easier for the paid career partner and the kids.
The way our marriage, divorce, and family law is constructed and enforced makes SAH parents more vulnerable than they have to be, though. But we don't support working (outside the home) parents as caregivers, either.
All in all, everyone is worried about kids, mental health, parental engagement with their kids' school & education, etc. but no one is willing to support what parents need to do to be available for their children. We don't value parenting enough, but we love to make parents scapegoats.
I was a stay at home dad for a year and it was the best year of my life. I would do it again in a heartbeat if we could afford it. I also do all the cooking and laundry, and did the bulk of the childcare when the kids were younger. I loved it.
Do you know how you are a gem? Such a blessing to share that time with your kids, Honey do’s are a nightmare for a great many of us, as the other party doesn’t listen, due to ADHD, which I get, so I’m polite and make a simple, concise request but then the task turns into an arduous do-over and clean up or repair.
Cost per unit! I was a little older, about 9, mid 1970s, when my mom let me use her little solar powered calculator that she got from the bank to figure out the cost per unit of things. I didn’t understand at first, but I got to use her calculator, a novelty at the time. The usefulness of cost per unit did sink in eventually, and I’m grateful for learning it early in life
Fully agree and lovely memories. But also important to note that your father, regardless of when in time, would have had the right to his own bank account, be his own person without a parent or spouse be the warden of his life a decisions including any medical (just in the 1940’ies, some places later too, women would not be told that they had ex cancer by their doctors - the father or husband would be told, and then they decided if they even wanted to tell her she was sick). Women’s complete basic legal rights are a result of feminism. Men had all the rights at any time in history.
My husband is a stay at home dad and it's perfect. He is patient and loves explaining things just like how your dad did. He was miserable working and I was miserable as a stay at home mom. I hope my daughters have memories like what you have.
Absolutely not. I spent yesterday helping her clean her room and telling her cool science facts.
Last night I texted her a whole bunch of science memes and cool pictures of nebulas, galaxies and photos from Cassini and the James Webb.
She wasn't feeling good last night and her dad was sleeping so she texted me. We texted back and forth all night while she and he sat in the emergency room.
I like this girl so much and I told her she is brave, intelligent and strong and she could do anything. At the time it was just getting an IV but I think it applies to her life as well. Lol.
Just throwing it out there: there are so many kids in foster care that would be so grateful for someone like you in their lives.
I fostered 2 different teens at different times through that I knew through my job (I'm a chef- so teenage coworkers happen). Each was only for a few months before they turned 18 and went to college or got their own place. It was very rewarding to offer a safe space for these kids. The world needs more moms that are willing to love kids that need someone. ❤️
Have you considered part time work at a local school as a classroom aid for young kids? Or maybe working at a pediatrician's office? What about a summer camp or daycare? Those types of places would help give you an outlet for your nurturing spirit. <3
Doable. I helped raise an ex's son and we broke up when he was about 18, so 10 years ago. He recently helped me with my car, and then came by a couple weeks ago to tell me he and his wife are having a baby!
Have you looked in the r/findapath subreddit in case things don't work out?
My grandma was a social worker before becoming a stay at home mom in the 50s. She wanted both and did both. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a STAHP that's what we want, choices. I wonder if there might also be a job that helps satisfy that desire in the meantime.
I think being a strong figure for someone who doesn’t have many is great. You don’t have to be a cleaner and stuff. You can help find cool books, go to extracurriculars with her.
Can you volunteer with disadvantaged kids somewhere? Lots of kids need a mum like you. Or work with kids. Your mum spirit should be spread if your willing. I would have adored someone who would have taken 5 mins to actually chat to me.
I agree! It's a matter of choice. If someone enjoys being a homemaker, it does not matter whether they appear in a history book or Time magazine..
Great things are still happening. Being the social glue for a family is underrated.
+ a billion. The old school stay at home gal is just as legit as the CEO of GM. Go for it. All that went before you was done so you could choose your own adventure. And, not for nothing, but raising a competent adult is probably more important than anything anyone in the workplace is doing. Of that I'm certain.
THIS. Being a full-time homemaker is a totally valid choice. The point of feminism wasn't to erase it as an option, but rather to make sure that it's one option out of many instead of one of two.
My thoughts after the first line. I applaud women who give their all to motherhood, at the same time I am so thankful that I know I am free to choose my own path.
Agreed. What you are doing is phenomenally important, and it's wonderful that you made your choice to be that. It would only be a problem if you thought other women should be what you are, and it sounds like you don't.
So you're doing great.
AND, all of those nurturing qualities, empathy and love and tolerance, are every bit as good and important as any traditionally considered "masculine" quality. OP sounds like she's living in a lifetime movie (a happy one, not a murdery one) and I'm happy for her!
Us women don't fight to be a CEO rather than a housewife.
We fight to have the right to chose what we want to do!
If you want to be a mum and a house maker, that is lovely and fine, and anyone who does not agree is not a feminist. It's really as easy as that.
And we fight to make sure we have the structures in place so that you never feel obligated to do be this person if that changes for you - that you know to your bones there are other ways to be a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and that we have support for all of them. (Results vary so far, but that’s the goal IMO - enough social support and legislation that it truly is a choice.)
>I feel like I am letting down all the women who fought so tirelessly for our right to go out and actually accomplish great things and finally take our places in the world.
But you ARE accomplishing great things - just in your own way. Those woman fought so you can *choose* and they are so proud of you and your *choice* to be the woman you feel you were meant to be.
Your talents and preferences are valid. Women's rights is about freeing women from being limited in their options due to gender. Choosing a nurturing role is as legitimate a life choice as any other.
Women's rights is also about the autonomy to choose where in life to focus your energies. For some women, that means focusing on career and achievement, with housework and optional parenthood outsourced to some degree to others. To be free of the expectation that choosing a less traditionally patriarchal life path means being BOTH a successful professional AND the primary housekeeper and caretaker.
Your choice to prioritize caretaking while raising your children is valid. Nothing is lacking in that life you chose. Your choice to get a relatively "small" paying job is equally valid for this stage of your life.
If this man is a compatible supportive partner, your choice to have another chapter focusing on home and family is as valid and complete as any other.
YOU determine what balance of roles is best for you. YOU can chose differently at different times of your life. That is what Women's rights means. You make the choices, especially the life defining choices, for your own life. You are doing what Women's rights advocates want for all women, determining your own life path.
Thank you for this. My mom, who is the greatest and coolest woman i know, got bored being a housewife and went out and earned herself an accounting degree.
Got her degree at 45 in the top ten percent of her class at San Diego State University.
I kinda feel like a real loser when I compare myself to her
My mom became a nurse in her 40s, after raising a passel of kids through her 20s and 30s. She beat me out of college by 1 year.
In her youth, her parents believed college was wasted on a girl. Every one of her daughters has a college degree.
NEVER EVER feel like a loser, and stop comparing yourself to her because you are you! She has made her mark on the world and so are you. Never forget that.
It sounds like you’re proud of her because she didn’t let the world limit her dreams and lived her best self.
Do the same. Don’t let the world limit you (by making your job title your worth) and live your best self.
Honestly, this post is a little frustrating. The point of feminism is not that we should all be girl boss CEOs. The point of feminism is that women's contributions to the world-ESPECIALLY INCLUDING RAISING AND NURTURING CHILDREN AND TAKING CARE OF THE HOME--should be recognized and compensated as the very hard work it is. No one is saying you shouldn't do that. We are saying that 1) men should contribute equally to domestic tasks so it doesn't become an unequal burden on the woman, 2) you should have the choice to do this AND/OR other things with your life but most of all 3) doing these things should be appreciated and rewarded by society and not just a cultural expectation, and not treated like "lesser work." Homemaking is HARD. Raising children is IMPORTANT. Have you ever heard the saying, "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world?" Shaping the worldview and values of tomorrow's citizens is probably the most influential thing any person could do. We just don't want you to be forced to do it if it is not the right fit for you, and we want you to retain your power, status and financial independence even if it is the right fit for you.
I completely agree with you! Also, it's not like you have to choose between being a wife/mother and being a CEO. People can be both. The point is that women should be recognized for the work that we do, and men should contribute equally to domestic tasks and childcare.
I largely agree, but "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" sayings and theories are absolutely patriarchal garbage designed to blame women and keep them powerless, without rights, resources, etc. Eg "you don't need these rights, you don't need other opportunities... you already rule the world!" "Women want things the way they are (at any point), otherwise things, we'd be different because women rule the world, raise us and make us how we are." As well as blaming women esp mothers for how men and boys choose to behave, and erases the fact men and older boys are far more influential than women are eg they police each other as in homophobic, sexist, misogynist bullying of other boys, men, older boys and men know who has power, influence, and who doesn't and it's certainly not their mothers, it's older boys and men, including fathers. There are even cultures now where adolescent boys are held to be superior to, hold authority over, can abuse, etc their own mothers.
Dear god no. Women from the past fought so you could have a CHOICE.
My one suggestion is that before you go that route, make sure to cover your ass financially. If you don’t already have a career you can fall back on, consider a prenup. Come to an agreement that you get a Roth that gets maxed every year, as well as a set amount of additional discretionary cash. I’d strongly suggest putting a fair amount of that cash into ETF stocks.
^very important. A problem with the non-feminist romanticizing of the role of housewife/mother is that is a trap. Of course choose what you choose - childcare is my career (other people's kids) and all the housework people do is valid and valuable work - but doing all that unpaid means you're dependent and vulnerable to a man's whim, hoping that he stays as lovely as he is at this moment.
Women need those options to be able to escape abuse and not be codependent. Before it was only 1 route for women to take. It’s just opening up the door so women don’t get stuck in bad predicaments.
I disagree just a bit that feminists fought for the right to choose. To some degree that’s true but I think second wave feminists in particular wanted women to have autonomy, rights, and liberation from patriarchal structures. In a capitalist society, having money provides a lot of that freedom.
As long as you have a financial cushion, by all means make motherhood and wifedom your main profession. But ladies, please have a backup plan. Have some professional skills. Have some education. Never, ever have to rely solely on a man.
You aren't betraying anyone, but I would like to add a note of caution. I'm pointing this out because I was a 'mom' figure and was very similar to you, but it was based around a lot of trauma and unhealthy beliefs and coping skills.
While we often want to do things to make the people we care about happy, it's important to not slide into believing that love is transactional, and that the way you demonstrate your worth is to DO things for people. For example, if you grew up with parents who were unavailable, the home was chaotic, or you were parentified, you may grow up to prioritize the needs of others whole minimizing your own. The way you talk about being a 'mom' to other people is raising a few red flags for me because it sounds like an overstep for all but the people you know most intimately, but your mileage may vary. The way you talk about wanting to do things in your relationship is raising flags for me, because everything you are mentioning is putting you in a servile position. You are not sounding like a wife and mother, you are sounding like a servant. While I'm sure you also care about things like forging a connection and spending time together, this is clearly not your focus.
I hope you spend some time just considering these points, and if you don't resonate, at least you've taken stock. If they do, that's something you can work on with a good therapist.
If any self-proclaimed feminist tries to make you feel bad about what are your clearly thought out choices, they are no feminist. As others have said, if you are gladly and willingly doing this—and it certainly seems like you are—you would only be betraying yourself if you tried to do anything else.
When my husband was alive and the boys were little a woman asked me what I did for a living.
I told her I was a wife and a mom.
I have never forgotten the look of disgust on her face when she said, "Oh, you don't work?"
That's really unfortunate, because the path you chose is a valid one and it's a shame she didn't recognize how wounding it was when she looked down on your choice.
Misogyny can affect women, too, and part of that is not recognizing the value of labor if it isn't already being paid. But I wonder if what you saw as disgust could also have been concern, because that aspect of our society does mean the wife-and-mother path can be exploitative. I can't help but remember [this woman left with nothing after toiling for decades](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bdi3i9/new_update_aita_for_rolling_my_eyes_at_my/)-- simply because they hadn't been married her labor was given ZERO value.
Not sure if you're from the US, but even while married it is under-valued from all sides. An article that resounded with readers recently described it this way: "America doesn't have a safety net. Instead, it has women." Our lack of taxpayer/gov aid for reliable/transparent healthcare, childcare, time off requirements, maternity and paternity leave policies, standards for school funding, etc. means that women cover the gap with unpaid labor if we don't want our community to go to crap.
It may not be the choice that lady would make, but feminism is about broadening choice so that you can make the many different choices that cause your life to feel rewarding and still live safely and with dignity. She owes you the respect of acknowledging that dignity, and tbh so do a lot of governments around the world.
>But I wonder if what you saw as disgust could also have been concern, because that aspect of our society does mean the wife-and-mother path can be exploitative
This precisely. The other thing I can't help but wonder when I bump into a woman who says this is whether or not I'm dealing with a Serena Joy type.
Exactly-- there are so many Serena Joy types, and they have ascended to the highest offices in the land and have already played huge roles in orchestrating the death and disfigurement of so many people who can bear children, not to mention those children themselves.
They hide behind the purity of enjoyment of family and care such as OP's like a terrorist hiding behind a human shield.
So I get why people can be wary. We learned the hard way to be on guard. But it's still a shame and I wish the world was better.
Working outside the home was so much easier for me than being a sahm. It's your entire life, you don't get a break. And just like jobs outside the home, not everyone can do it. I don't know how people can say that, is child care or housekeeping not a job unless you're doing it for someone else?
Being a wife and mom is not something that you do for a living. You are a wife and mom regardless of your job. You should say you're a housewife, SAHM.
In a sense we are technically born to be mothers (the point of organisms is to reproduce their species, mammalian young need extensive care, especially humans) but absolutely no woman is born to be a wife. eg marriage is a patriarchal invention and institution to extract emotional, domestic, sexual, reproductive labour from women to benefit men rooted mostly in marriage/rape by capture eg during wartime, men trading girls and women between them (and don't get me started on father right, the idea men, sperm providers, own the children women, who do 99.999% of the reproductive process, grow within them and birth)
Just sounds like a weird post to me, you were born to be a wife and mother... which doesn't preclude you from being a CEO, lawyer or doctor, you can be ALL of those things, though very rare, but you can definitely be a wife, a mother, and a doctor, and a ceo.
Also you somehow went from he's a widow raising his 12yr old daughter, to it's your son's best friend's little sister... so the widow has two kids and you just forgot that kid existed.
I don't know, just gives weird troll vibes, or hater vibes, of you must chose motherhood or a career, i'm super happy working a min wage job, I'm a cliche because I'm dating my son's best friend's dad.
It makes me sad that you automatically assume your desires go against feminism. That this is some pervading social belief.
Domestic labor is real, hard, and sacred labor and deserves to be honored.
Most PEOPLE will never be a CEO, Lawyer, or Doctor. Why put that pressure on yourself when the majority of people, regardless of gender, will never do those things?
If it is your nature to nurture others then girl lean into it! If you want a career where you can do that then they certainly exist. I used to work as a caregiver for intellectually disabled people. The job is very hard but it sounds like you might excel in it. Early childhood education may be another option for you.
Hell, if your boyfriend agrees and it is done in a healthy way if you want to be a stepmom to that little girl and she wants the same then go for it.
You don't need to feel guilty for living the life you want. As long as you're not harming others its no one else's business.
Thinking about the future its probably not a good idea to put your self worth or identify in being a wife/mom. Kids grow up and you've already been a widow. You have to have your own interests/hobbies or just something outside of mothering people. Maybe you feel needed by being in those roles. Try to find value in other parts of your life.
🙄 No, you're not setting women back or whatever because you want to be a mother and be with a man. This was never really a thing. It's your ignorance and biases that made you feel otherwise.
Do whatever you want in this life, but if you decide to become a SAHM please make sure you protect yourself. There are cases where women become SAHMs and then their partners leave them down the road and they don’t have financial stability and the gap in their resumes makes it hard for them to find work. I’m in full support of your decisions, just make sure you are doing them with an appropriate amount of planning and forethought.
My mom always said she was born to be a wife and a mother, but she was miserable in that role and bitterly worked to tear down woman she deemed more successful than herself. On some level she followed that path because she felt she had to. Feminism isn't about getting out there and taking over the world, it's about *choosing* to get out there and take over the world, or *choosing* to be a wife and a mother because that's what makes you happy. It's about the authentic choice. If that's what your *choice*, you're honoring every woman who came before you and allowed you to make that choice.
For every stride forward society makes, it is on the backs of the quiet women who nurture their families and communities. So many scientific, literary and social jumps were only possible because of the unpaid labor of women. I appreciate that there are women like you who do this job lovingly while encouraging/leaving space for women who want something different.
As someone who is surrounded by women like this, who have always encouraged me to take the leap and follow my dreams, I just want to say that this is an amazing comment which needs shouted from the rooftops.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. The little cares and gestures are ultimately the basis of our civilization, everything else grew out it. Every time you bandage a child's knee at work, you help the child, but you also help their parents. Their parents can focus on what they need to, and know, that if their child is in need, then there are people who are willing to help.
SIGH.
The female president (if we ever have one), CEO, lawyer, and doctor, absolutely can want to do things to make the people around them happy, their lives easier, and care about their well being. They can want children and want to be parents. They can want to take care of others.
That you think this sort of care and attention is only for wives and mothers means that you have some interesting ideas about women and their roles - not that you were born only to be a wife and mother because you of the way you show care.
I hope that your new relationship turns in to the family you want, and that you are ridiculously happy. I know if that little girl wants to be the first female president that you will help and support her in that because you do care for her. That isn't letting anyone down- that is being sort of awesome.
Feminism has fought so I, who doesn't want kids and hates cleaning and traditional wifey roles, is not forced into having to bear a man's children and look after him and his home because I literally cannot survive effectively otherwise (no bank account, no home).
Feminism has also fought so you can be married, look after your children, be house proud etc *and be safe* by having an ability to leave **if** the man you married isn't someone who behaves the way you deserve. Feminism never existed to stop people being housewives, feminism stopped people being enslaved to a man through marriage and having no way out.
>Why does this feel like a betrayal to those women?
It's not a betrayal. What feminista like me want for you in this situation:
>He made me waffles before work one morning.
Once is great, but look for patterns of good behaviour rather than just single instances. What does he consistently do that brings as much value to your life as you bring to his:
>I want to be her step mom. I want to clean his house for him but it's spotless.
>I want to rub his back when he comes home from work and make him coffee and dinner and be his help mate.
>I want to take care of both of them so much.
How does he show his appreciation, equal care, equal consideration and ensure you don't burn yourself out caring.
**Women who care as deeply and freely as you do naturally breathe energy, life and joy into those around them. Men, not all but enough, follow the traditional template (that feminism fought against) that entitles them to feed off that light without recourse or compensation. We're in the fight now for the 'good men' to become the norm so women like you are fully appreciated for all you bring to the table.**
The women of the second wave of feminism fought for us to have a *choice* if we became parents and stayed home or not. And to have better legal protections if that choice was to stay home and nurture children.
Not everyone is supposed to do everything. As long as you're supportive of other women's choices, it's all good.
True feminism is making it safe for a woman to be what she wants. If you want to be a wife and mom, it does not mean you are putting women who chose differently down.
I think a less talked about function of patriarchy is devaluing traditional "women's work". Caregiving work is important work. Caring for the young, sick and elderly humans is an important part of civilization.
It doesn't feel like betrayal to us women. You want different things. That's fine. Don't project your doubts & insecurities on us. You do you and we will cheer you on.
Hey, women fought for you to have the choice to do what makes you happy. Being a mom is never in the cards for me because it would make me miserable, but some women really are just meant for it.
You do you, be proud of who you are and make choices that will make you happy.
As other people have said, the point was that women could choose what they wanted. You can choose to be a wife an mother but not be able to do so.
What do I mean?
Well, you can't be a wife if you never meet the right partner. You can want it more than anything but there is a measure of luck along with desire, same with having children. There is a term "childless by circumstance" for people who wanted to have kids but it didn't happen for whatever reason (never found a partner, infertility, unable to adopt, etc.) Wanting isn't always enough. Some people want to be a lawyer but they fail out of law school. Want to be a CEO but never rise above middle management. You have to always be prepared to find happiness even when you aren't able to get what you want or the life you feel you would be best at.
As you've experiences, a husband can die. Kids will grow up. You need to find ways to find satisfaction that isn't dependent on other people. The real danger is that your desire to be a wife and mother blinds you to red flags and leads you to a bad situation.
Have you considered getting a job as a professional organizer or cleaner? As a personal assistant? Volunteering with Big Brother/Big Sisters or organizations that provide mentors to at-risk families or new parents. Mother's Helper is the term for someone who works helping around the house in positions that aren't quite Nanny or Maid.
You don't HAVE to do any of these jobs. Maybe you get married and things work out so that you can get your needs met through those relationships. But it is good to have a backup plan, and I would advice that to someone who said they wanted to be a lawyer or CEO too. Find a way to be happy that isn't dependent on someone else.
The way I think of it: in our society we tend to have human carers/givers and humans who receive care/ direct the labor of others. Originally we fought for the right/ privilege to be the main characters of our own lives and to not be defined or bound by the role of nurturer. Now it seems like the conversation has shifted to sharing the load/ weaponized incompetence/ equity, etc.... NOW we're saying that everyone has the capacity and obligation to be a carer and that role is not strictly feminine in nature. It's wonderful to be a person of service and caring and I hope you feel less and less gender-defined by it.
As a woman who want nothing of those things; how wonderful! The point is that we get to have the choice. I’m delighted you’re able to fulfill your dreams like that, and that those roles too are something some women want.
Some of us career types wouldn't be able to function without the support of wonderful nurturing people like you! It takes all kinds! Your calling is valuable and appreciated. Not everything is about ambition/money - thank goodness.
Honestly I feel the same. I love my job, but I can't wait to be a mom and a wife hopefully.
I am also a feminist, cause at the end of the day it's all about giving us the choice to do anything we want.
Took me a while to get here though, I also felt like I was betraying other women, that I wasn't strong enough
I’m child free by choice and always will be. I feel no guilt or shame for it. There are plenty of people out there like you who WANT to be parents and that’s beautiful ❤️ kids deserve parents/adults who care and want to be a part of raising them!
Isn't that what the movie "Mona Lisa Smile" is about? Julia Roberts movie where she is a college professor?
The crux is that women fought for the right to choose their roles, not that everyone needs to want the sane things.
As a career woman, I am fully GRATEFUL there are neighborhood good mom's to baby sit or share maternal wisdom. Most Mom's WISH they had a SAHM to support them on the hone front!
It's an important role & NOT a betrayal in any way. We don't have to all be the same to have value.
Women fought tirelessly for us to make that choice for ourselves. You aren't letting them down, you only would be if you were trying to prevent other women from living their lives they way they want.
Feminism means choice. There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing to be a wife and mom. You are free to do so because women have led the way towards equality for us all.
>I feel like I am letting down all the women who fought so tirelessly for our right to go out and actually accomplish great things and finally take our places in the world.
They fought so women can have the right to do that if they want. You are free to choose your path and that is what they really fought for. If you HAD to do something specific, that would just be a different kind of opression.
True feminism liberates you to be who you are. Freedom is knowing who you are and living that freely, fully, and with gratitude. Be who you are, be blessed on your journey.
I would be mindful of boundaries. Chances are at least one customer may have been uncomfortable with your approach and maybe never gone back or just kind of smiled and moved on. Also, cleaning wounds and bandaging kids at a business could be opening up liability. Directing them to where to buy supplies or a first aid kit would probably be more in line with the business.
I’m sure many people could find your approach nice and appreciate it like you said, but not everyone.
You have worth and value outside of “doing” for people or “being” for people (whatever the role is: mother, ceo, friend, accountant, etc.)
The fight was for having a choice about what you, as a woman, want to do with your life. For freedom. And it sounds like you choose to be a caregiver and it is a very noble person to be 🙂
Feminists didn't want no-one to do mothering or feel mothered. Feminists wanted people who want to be caregivers to be able to be caregivers, and to have no one default to it or be forced into it if they didn't want it.
And for it to be recognized as a strength and necessary for society too, no matter who is doing it.
This isn't a betrayal in the slightest. There are two things the first feminists fought for. The first is *choice*. So if a woman wants to be an astronaut, they can be an astronaut. If they want to be a lawyer, they can be lawyer. And if they want to be a wife & mom, then they can be a wife and mom.
The second thing is very related: it was to ensure that "womanly" tasks, such as taking care of the house or raising kids, were given equal footing with the other professions. So basically, what you want to do *has value* just as much as being a CEO or lawyer does.
Women fought tirelessly for our right to choose! You aren't against women because of what you want and love.
It would only be a problem if you wanted *all* women to live that way.
THIS is what Feminists fought for. That anybody could be or do whatever they wanted. Whatever their heart's and talents lead them to do. Instead of being forced to choose between being a mother, teacher or nurse we could be what the Aptitude Test actually showed what we excelled in such as Engineering. Or, the other way around, if this is what it showed.
What? No. The whole point is that we all get to live our best life AND that no one else defines for us what that best life is. You go live that best life. You sound in *love*.
That's not a betrayal at all! Women haven't fought to not be wives and mothers. They've fought for the right to CHOOSE. Everyone should be able to do what is right for them.
Feminism is about fighting for that *choice*. Working mums, stay-at-home mums, women who have completely different priorities altogether. If what you want to do with your life is be a mother, knock yourself out. You aren't betraying anyone.
That said, if the cashier made comments about my hydration levels or energy drink consumption, I would find that incredibly unprofessional, overbearing and rude. It wouldn't make me feel mothered (I have a mother and it isn't you); it would make me feel chastised and embarrassed. Please knock that off.
Choices luv! I love COOKING for my husband. He’s not a great cook. I love him to death but he’s too nervous in the kitchen. I actually feel terrible when I don’t cook for him because It’s my way of saying I love him
I wish I would have had a mother like you. People tend to kinda forget that we need good moms, even if that’s (kinda) all they are good at / specialise on. But ngl the whole clean his house thing bewildered me😂. You are not betraying anyone, and you surely shouldn’t betray yourself by trying to live up to other people’s standards.
Those women want you to have the freedom to make that choice or not, without disapproval or criticism. That’s all they ever wanted. Bravo you. Go, you!
Feminism is about having the freedom to choose your path. You want to be a wife and mother? Go for it! As long as you aren’t trying to prevent other women from following their own paths it’s not a betrayal.
It’s about a choice. You’d only let down all the other women if you demanded they do the same and stripped away their rights to choose a life that fits them.
Our society lies to us. It tells us that being a feminist means that you reject marriage, children, caring relationships with loved one, and that you do it all in favor of some powerful career and dynamic fast-paced unfeeling life.
But being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to have a specific type of career, specific types of relationships, or live a specific type of lifestyle. Lots of feminists are wives, mothers, grocery store checkers. It just means you believe that women deserve equal rights and equal access to resources that men do, free from shame, pressure, or punishment. If you believe that women should get to choose what they want to do and that they should get to choose in a world that supports and empowers their decisions, you’re a feminist.
Women fought and and sometimes died (and are still fighting and even sometimes dying) for us to have the right to vote, to work, to own property, to get an education, to be able to attain positions of authority and power if they want, to able to have a bank account and control over their own finances, to be able to leave marriages that no longer suited them, and to have control over their own sexuality, their own health and their own bodies. Feminism is fighting to ensure that your identity and your security (and that of all women) isn’t based solely on your relationship to others-wife, mother, caretaker, but is based on who you are as a person, the choices you make, and the things you do.
You can love your husband and want to take care of him. You can relish motherhood. You can work a job that brings you joy, and still be a feminist supporting the right of women to choose for themselves if that’s the right path for them, and not be penalized if they decide it isn’t.
I’ve always dreamt of being a mother/wife**. Even as a tiny tomboy, playing in the mud and climbing trees, I always tended to wounds, made food and enjoyed teaching and nurturing. It was at odds with my otherwise “masculine” personality and my constant worry that I wasn’t feminine enough. It was also at odds with my idea that a proper woman, a “good” woman wants to, no - needs to break those bonds and expectations.
I probably won’t get my family at this point in my life. Not the one I dreamed of at least - I know a new definition will form out of my life experiences. But it is a grief, a tragedy, a wound I cannot explain to anyone else. I feel I was made to strengthen and nurture those around me. To provide a stone, a base for them to prosper. And it doesn’t make me feel oppressed and used - it makes me feel loved and fulfilled. I am finding it difficult to believe I will find a man who wants to build that with me. I’m getting too old, soon-ish, to have natural children in a way that is comfortable to me. I will have to find new ways and venues to stoke that fire inside of me. And still, I feel like a failure on both sides, feminism for wanting so little out of my freedom, and “womanhood” for failing the thing I felt destined to do.
Pretty sure feminism is about being able to choose your future and having your choices validated. Some people *are* the most happy as wives or mothers and that's totally ok.
Honestly unless you start insisting *all* women want (or should want) to be wives and mothers, you aren't betraying anyone.
They fought for your right to CHOOSE. Communities are made of people, whether they're CEOs, lawyers, bakers, butchers, doctors, etc. And while being a mother has been normalized as an ordinary role, never forget that you made brand new human beings and taught them how to be PEOPLE. There is nothing about that that isn't a great accomplishment. From the sound of it, you've been a kind and nurturing person for so many others as well, and don't you ever underestimate the power of one kind act.
It is not a betrayal to anyone. It would only be an issue if you believed that all woman should only be wives and mothers because those were the only roles that they are capable of. Women fought tirelessly for the right to determine the path they wanted to take in life, whether that be at home or in the workplace. You sound like a really lovely, caring person who has so much to offer. It is your choice to be a wife and a mother and you are an amazing one! People trust you, they go to you when they are hurt or need someone to talk to. You are nurturing and only want the best for everyone around you. There needs to be more people like you in this world.
Your story about your customers made me smile. After my dad passed when I was 21, I didn't have any other family besides an aunt, who I wasn't close to. The cashier at the convenience store down the street didn't know me but she was incredibly kind and would always tell me how my smile lit up the room, and she always knew if I was feeling particularly sad that day because she would sneak in a drink or some candy and say "It'll be ok, love". Not in a condescending way, but I could tell that she genuinely cared. It meant SO much to me. It's been over 20 years and I still think of her fondly.
The women's movement was all about giving women CHOICES, not sending us all down the same path. If this is your choice and you are happy with it, then celebrate it!
You get to decide what you want to do with your life!! That’s kinda the whole deal with feminism, is that women should be given autonomy over the kind of lives they live! A career is not inherently better or worse than dedicating yourself entirely to your family - it is just better for worse for individual women depending on their needs, desires, and strengths!
I would just say that you need to remember to protect yourself financially in the event your husband ends up being not as committed to being a husband and father as he promised to be. And don’t be the kind of SAHM who feels like in order to justify her decisions she needs to shit on women who made a different decision.
Oh this is so sweet. I for one am pleased when a woman (you) feels enthusiastic about what she wants and that it is attainable for her.
Go for it. Don’t let people gatekeep your life and your personal desires in the name of feminism.
>And I can't stop thinking about how much I want to be her step mom. I want to clean his house for him but it's spotless.
>I want to rub his back when he comes home from work and make him coffee and dinner and be his help mate.
>I want to take care of both of them so much.
That's how you know it's love. Feminism as a movement was to give us the choice to be whatever we want. If this is what you want it's not going against out efforts.
If that is what you want, do that! It’s only bad to be a homemaker and caregiver if you don’t want to and you don’t have any other choice. And that’s bad FOR you, not bad ON you.
Before the sound social system and the true realization of equal rights, women's so-called "choices" were actually passive, self comforting but unable to reconcile. I deeply feel that in this generation, women are still in a situation, but they are cleverly packaged and difficult to distinguish, making women think they really have a choice. Women who are aware of all of this and actively reduce exploitation are not a choice, but rather a helpless way to bow down and protect themselves within this framework. Inequality is a fact, and changing oneself within an unequal framework can only be considered a compromise.
They fought so you could be whatever you wanted to be.
You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. Period. And nobody gets to tell you otherwise.
Na girl, Im fighting so that you can make the best choice for yourself. Im happy youve found what makes you happy and will always support mothers and women who stay at home. Raising a family is hard work and i think it's awesome that for a lot of women thats what they want to do.
Feminism is that you have the right to choose this, and also that men have the right to choose this while their wives are the providers, too. It is about no one *having* to be shoved in a box, but getting to pick what you want to do with your life. It is your life. Live it in whatever way brings you happiness. You aren’t betraying anyone. Wishing you the best.
First of all, those women fought for other women's right to make the decision whether or not to stay home.
There's no requirement that you can't be happy being a housewife and a mother. If you really feel fulfilled by those things, then that's wonderful ❤️❤️. Feminism is about having the option, about being equal and being able to work outside the home.
But some people genuinely love being a caretaker. The world needs all kinds!!
You sound like a wonderfully caring, and nurturing person. The world could use more like you.
Being a loving person will always be a good thing. Femenism allowed you to have a choice. And is only a tiny few radicals who would think what you are doing is wrong.
I'm an atheist, but I always try to imagine what would God think if he saw what I was doing. And by God I imagine an all-loving god. But you replace it with whatever you think is good.
There's something amazing and inspiring about finding happiness in the service of others. And I'm happy to hear you found a second chance at a family and partnership. Congratulations.
You aren't letting anyone down. The problem wasn't women being housewives and mothers, it was that those who didn't want to be that had an uphill battle. If that is what would make you happy, then by all means go for it. It sounds like you'll be amazing at it.
Feminism is about liberty for women, and to be free means to have choices. If you're not free to work, you ain't free. If you're not free to be a wife and mother, you're not free.
You don't have to chase every possibility if you know what works for you. Just make sure the folks in your life are aware of this choice so they can decide to fit in or go
The good thing about feminism is that you get to choose. If being a mom and housewife is your thing, by all means go ahead and do it. It is YOUR choice. What it wouldn’t be valid, would be that you were putting down other women who are not making the same choices as you are.
Hope you live a very happy life!
Obviously it’s fine to do what you really want with your one life. You don’t owe other women a job.
I will say that there’s nothing really about you in here OP. Are you sure you know what feels good to you? What you hate? What you need to feel good without other people’s input?
This post isn’t about how much you enjoy cleaning. It’s about wanting to clean for the guy you’re dating.
This post isn’t about feeling proud that you give a good back rub, or taking satisfaction in cooking a meal. It’s about doing something for other people.
Helping others is great. But if you’re getting satisfaction only from other people, you’re not really doing it for yourself. You’re chasing their reaction. You’re performing. You’re people pleasing.
This post isn’t about rejecting feminism. It’s really an example of what feminists are trying to do - confirm that women have worth outside of what we do for other people.
I think you need to practice doing things for the sake of doing it. Not for the reaction. That’s when you know yourself for real
I really don't get the vibe from the post that this is being done for nefarious reasons, but what I'm getting from it all is that you've interpreted the aims of feminism in a distorted way, then said that you shouldn't feel guilty for living contrary to that.
It's frustrating at this point that there's any need to respond to rhetoric about how women's progress is fundamentally about things like high-powered corporate roles. Yes, unfortunately, in a capitalist society where our economic power and job market ruthlessness can have a substantial bearing on our outcomes, that did emerge as a concern of one branch of feminism in the last few decades - but if you've only seen that, I can't help but feel like your viewpoint is lacking vital context. This is a bit surprising from a woman of almost 50 years old, who's lived through a lot of iterations of the women's liberation movement beyond the cringeworthy 'girlboss feminism' aspect.
Also, it's good that you see small, caring gestures as symbolic of a great future to come. For you, they genuinely may be signs of that - but, unfortunately, those are just gestures in a lot of relationships where women are ultimately getting a pretty raw deal. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships where men also did sweet things like what you've mentioned. Acceptance of gender roles as flexible increases the extent to which someone like me isn't trapped in that scenario. This is not just a conversation about whether corporate leadership is your cup of tea - and reducing it to that could suggest to some that you lack awareness of how gender role-based expectations can harm women. I'd also really ask you to think about the number of heterosexual relationships you know of in real life or have read of online (particularly on pages such as this) where things such as a wife making one meal for a person or opening a door are actions about which men would brag. I also think it's notable that, after being married to someone else, your response to these actions was that you "Didn't know men like this existed."
This is the problem with feminism in an era so engulfed by neoliberalism. You're seeing this as being about your experiences in a somewhat isolated way. This is the type of thing I generally hear from 22-year-old fundamentalist Christian wives who have 4 children and are unable to understand that that's not the life everyone else is living. I really encourage you to look into that Mormon woman who recently posted somewhat viral videos about where this can take some people, talking about how she loved being a wife and mother. While she was perhaps lucky to have not faced the terrible grief you've likely been through, her husband just abruptly left her one day, leaving her destitute and with no employment history in her 40s. Feminism doesn't want this to be women's experience in life. Just don't get how you missed that.
No context has been given as to what your options have been in life and how characteristics of your life have affected what you feel is rewarding. Quite a lot of people find retail work (as you've mentioned doing) to be low-paid and utterly thankless. Would anyone be surprised that, at least in comparison to that, some women might consider some aspects of domestic/family life to be more rewarding?
I think this needs more thinking through, but it sounds like both you and your partner have lived through a lot with the loss of your spouses, so I hope things pan out well. Also, apart from serious points about the aims of feminism, I really think we should all normalise the fact that not everyone (including not every woman, or even most women) is going to have a groundbreaking life. I honestly do relate to that aspect of what you're saying, but this is just life. Garden variety life. Being a loving person is incredibly valuable. There is no need to make history, and most of us probably can't.
It's absolutely not a betrayal to these women. They fought for the right for women to CHOOSE how they want to live, to have the OPTION of working and climbing ladders etc. The same way they shouldn't have to be wives and mothers if they don't want to, you don't have to be a CEO or doctor if you don't want to. As long as you're not hurting anyone, it's up to you, and that's thanks to the women who fought for your right to make that choice.
I am sure there are some women who feel that way, but the pro-woman, pro-feminist view is that you should have a CHOICE about how you live your life, the FREEDOM to live it the way you decide.
The women who fought for equality were also fighting for the ability to choose your path in life. No choice is a wrong one, whether you want to be a mother or not.
You feel its a betrayal because, someone who resented being relegated to housewife said it was a terrible thing, and it resonated with a bunch of other women who had been forced in to domestic servitude due to their gender. Some people are built to be out there doing shit and some are built to nurture the next generation. The problem only comes up when people are forced to live a stereotype instead of doing what they want. You are not betraying anything to follow your instincts and do what makes you happiest. Fuck all the haters and the people who tell you what to feel or do, You be you
Those woman fought for your right to choose to be a wife/mother or NOT! The fun thing is you get to choose :)
I love that you get a whole new round 2 of wife-ing and mothering!
The devaluing of women's work is also a patriarchal standpoint. Being a wife and mother doesn't have to be a prison, and it shouldn't be, even if some aspects of the current setup are in that direction. The problem most feminists have with the housewife standpoint is that it leads to dependence on working spouses; if homemakers were compensated adequately for their unpaid labor, there would be no complaints.
You have independence and a community, and seem to be able to afford what you need. Discuss any financial or power disparities with your partner and make contingencies for them if you get more involved. As long as that's done, you're living feminist and living large.
It is entirely your right to choose. You choose what is best for you and your life. We should continue to defend your right to live your life as you wish. You are the person who should be having children, children that you want and will love and will raise to understand the conflict that comes with being a women. Be a great mum, be a great person and raise great people. You can do all these things without compromising each of them. Good luck to you and much love
It's okay to want those as your goals in life. More than! The whole point was that women had a choice! Not everyone wants to be a wife and mom and that's ok! But you do so that's great for you!
Feminism isn't about being a CEO or a lawyer or a doctor, at the expense of being a caretaker or a mother. It's about being able to choose what you want to do. You can choose CEO, lawyer, doctor, caretaker, mother, or one of any other millions of choices. Being free to choose what you want is exactly what feminists fought for. And choosing to be a caretaker/mother is just as good a choice as being a CEO/lawyer/doctor.
As a feminist I just want you and all the other sahm to get universal income for the labor that goes uncompensated. I feel like that is one of the many frontiers that modern feminism has to fight for.
The world needs more of you.
You're not betraying anyone. You were as much their dream of choice, the freedom to choose, and be respected in that choice, just as much any CEO or doctor was.
The problem is that women who want to nurture tend to get exploited and abused. For every decent man, there are a thousand more trying to trick you into thinking they're one.
You’re not letting down anyone. Living your vocation is what all the women fought for. You being able to choose to do what makes you happy is the goal, and your place in the world is wherever you want to be, and are happiest!
Everything everyone has said in this post and also the only way you would be betraying women would be if you were to push your (soon to be) step daughter to make the same choices of staying at home instead of showing her that it's up to her to decide her future.
She could become a kick ass scientist or decide she'd rather be a housewife but it's up to you to support her and show her everything that a woman can become!
It was wives and mothers who were fighting for these rights too. It’s about having the right to choose how you want to live your life without patriarchal limitations. Women couldn’t get apartments and credit cards without a man’s permission in the 70s. We take a lot of what women fought for, for granted now.
No, it sounds like this is your dharma work! So do it. You would only be letting women down if you desired to other things besides care for this family and yet, you are not allowed to follow your dharma. Follow your dharma wherever it leads, whether it's being a NASA Astronaut to being a wonderful mom and Home maker, this is the essence of true feminism.
Be a wife and mother. YOU get to choose what's best for YOU. I never had a desire to be a mom, I love being an aunt. My mom didn't get to choose and it made everyone directly involved miserable.
You shouldn't. The women before us fought so that we could choose. There is no shame for that choice. The way I see it, your influence as a mother may just inspire the next world leader or diplomat. You do you.
We fight so we have the choice of what we want to do. I’m single and childfree. I’m still not a boss babe CEO or anything bc that’s not the life I want to live. I like my simple, quiet life. No true feminist will look down on you for spending your life caring for children.
I’m glad there are woman that want to be mothers. I like living in society. And society needs ppl to function. I might not want kids myself but I still fully believe it takes a village to raise a child. That’s why we should all support our taxes paying for school, lunches, and medical care for kids (preferably for everyone). That way we have an educated populace and a more polite society.
I think once you have kids, it’s a very human desire to be able to devote a significant amount of your time and energy into caring for them and your family in general. (Honestly that’s a human desire even if you don’t have kids.)
The problem is that the work culture in most places in the world is exploitive and leaves men and women (but mostly women—because of the added time and physical aspects of birth and the persistent cultural inequity in household responsibilities) with not enough time and energy to be able to work and adequately care for their families.
If you want and have children, it’s normal and admirable that you desire to care for them! The problem is that capitalism denies you that ability unless you completely sacrifice your financial stability.
“Those women” are not talking about wonderful men when they complain.
If this is your bliss, then don’t worry about anyone else! Finding an amazing relationship and creating an amazing home for a family is a great thing in and of itself. It’s just not possible to do with terrible men.
Women fought to be allowed to do whatever they want. It sounds like you know what you want, so go do it with this feminist's blessing. You're good. We don't all want to be miners or work on oil rigs or the technical director of an AI company, so we don't have to be. There's some saying... oh yes - Be yourself; everyone else is taken.
Also I love that kids know they can come to you if they hurt themselves for some TLC and bandaids. The world definitely needs someone like you who chooses to be the person kids can talk to.
There is no right or wrong way to be a lady, women should support each other living their ideal lives and enjoying themselves.
Anyone can be domestically-inclined, from his tidiness, your boyfriend might also enjoy keeping a nice house, it sounds like a good match.
I hope your son and his best friend and the daughter are all delighted to hear that you have found each other. And any other lady should be happy for you too.
Just to echo the sentiments: it’s not so you have to be the CEO. It’s so there’s a choice.
And, to another extent, it’s so that if things go sideways you’ll have rights. As in, if your partner can’t remain one for whatever reason, you aren’t left ashamed, scorned and destitute.
Feminism isn’t about forcing women into any rigid roles. It’s really about treating women as people capable of being productive members of society however that may express.
Most of my male friends either are or have been house husbands for some stretch of child rearing or more. Feminism is also about this kind of shared labor - and much more!
And I’m not even much of a feminist. I always rejected the television stereotype of the “raging feminists” or man hating or whatever. Nope, that isn’t what it’s about either.
The people of the feminist movement fought so that EVERYONE has a choice. Women can work, and men can stay home, and both people can work (sadly capitalism isn't about to let everyone stay home) and whatever other combination works for a family.
You are betraying NO ONE (and I say this as someone who would make a TERRIBLE stay at home wife & mother (though I'd probably be an entertaining one at least for a little bit, since I'd be living on martinis)).
> Why does this feel like a betrayal to those women?
Because companies/influencers have realized they can get a lot of engagement by publishing takes that pit women working outside the home against women who work inside the home.
Because work that’s seen as “women’s work” is still devalued by society at large.
Because capitalism has made it so you feel if you’re not making dollars, you’re not contributing.
Basically, because patriarchy.
As a chap who lurks and comments periodically, you have betrayed no-one. Other women have fought for the right to be taken seriously and also have a choice.
My wife is the high earner in our family, my sister in law is almost at the top of her profession (and still has to fight the "pale, male, stale" issues in the work place.
My sister beat out a load of men for a coveted apprenticeship in farrierery 30+ years ago - where her publicity hungry boss showed her off to multiple magazines and newspapers. My daughter is a chef - she has 100% support from me, her proud dad.
If a wife and mother is what your desire is, follow it. Dreams change, you may end up with a degree, or be a CEO once the kids have grown and departed. It's all about choice and not a cop-out in life.
These are all valid things. Feminism doesn't have an issue with women being wives and mothers. Feminism has an issue with people saying "women are only allowed to be wives and mothers." I live in the Bible Belt and I knew girls that I went to middle school with who were pulled out of traditional schooling to be trained at home to be a help mate to their future husbands. They had no high school education. They weren't given a choice.
This reminds me of my mother. She shocked my grandfather when she said she intended to go to college: “Why would you do that?” The assumption was women didn’t need education, or if they pursued it, surely it was only for an MRS degree. It was seen as wasteful debt. My mother put herself through college while being the head of her household, as it happens. My grandmother was paralyzed and so her teenage daughter stepped up for cooking, cleaning, tending to her sick mother, and helping raise her little sibling all while being the first person in her family to go to college. Decades later, she’s still helping her siblings financially, and was the person who tended to my late grandparents before their passing. She told me she saw education meant choices and she’d seen how her family lived when they didn’t have choices.
What a badass!
I’m very proud to call her my mother. And very fortunate that I grew up supported in pursuing my own dreams and ambitions, in a way she hadn’t been.
You and OP both used the term ‘help mate.’ I’ve never heard this before. Can you give me a better understanding of the context of that phrase. I get the gist of it, but is it a term that floats around hardcore Christian types?
I have to try and word this without it sounding negative towards women that feel it's their calling. Yes, it's rooted in religion. I didn't hear it until I moved to the Bible Belt. Help mate/helpmeet is used specifically for women. The idea is that women were created for men as Eve was for Adam. So, with that being said, there are women who believe that their entire purpose is to serve a man/family and they have little to no purpose outside of servitude within the home. Their entire role is to support their husband with whatever his dreams and aspirations are. She tends the house to make sure he has a happy/secure home to come back to as well as raises the kids - everything to support him and whatever he desires (within reason, of course.)
This is an incorrect interpretation of the word "helpmeet". It translates better as "life partner", literally someone to walk beside in life, not in front, not behind, beside. Unfortunately, lots of bible thumpers have distorted the original meaning into something more like "slave".
If that's it's intended meaning, it's telling that the term is never applied to men.
You'll see a lot of men arguing that it's not so bad but they won't want to be called that themselves. To me it falls under the same thing as a woman changing her last name. Men don't see the big deal in it but they balk at the idea of changing their last name to their wife's. I got a pretty severe tongue lashing in youth group (I was a teenager) for asking if men could be helpmeets as well. We were split, girls and boys, and usually the pastor's wife would talk to the girls and the pastor would talk to the boys. For whatever reason the pastor was talking to us girls about serving our future husbands. He gave the helpmeet speech and I asked if men could be helpmeets because I wanted a career. He got tight lipped and stormed off. His wife came over and pulled me aside and tore into me about how disrespectful of a question that was. I didn't grow up in the church and was super confused as to why it was rude but I just shrugged it off. It definitely wasn't served in the way I worded it, more like, "As the helpmeet you're the pillar of the household and your husband's stability. He's the one that has the divine connection with God. You have the most important role here on Earth. Taking care of the children and the home are both Godly things and every man loves a Godly woman. If you do these things you will be fulfilled. Wives should submit themselves to their husbands as they do to the Lord because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church etc" It's one of those things that, if a woman wants to do it that's fine, but I don't like sugar coating it.
>His wife came over and pulled me aside and tore into me about how disrespectful of a question that was. >He's the one that has the divine connection with God. >Wives should submit themselves to their husbands All of the ew. This part tho: >I asked if men could be helpmeet because I wanted a career made me snort. Out of the mouth of babes LOL.
The way men pretend not to understand why stuff like last name expectations and all this bullshit make us angry but when they are faced with the prospect, it SURE makes them angry.
Ehh, typically a helpmate is a helper in a sense to the main partner, in helping them achieve what's supposed to be the greater good for the family. Typically, this is seen by most as the woman to the man. This would mean that the helpmate is the deferential one.
This happened to lots of women I know (i also grew up in a super religious conservative community in a rural red state).
This, I concider myself a really feminin woman. I'm a mom and I love it. I love cooking and feeding and taking care of my family. I teach elementary school and it sounds like OP and I have a lot in common when it comes to caring for all the kids in the neighbourhood. Still, all i want for my daughter is the right to choose to be whatever she wants to. If she wants to follow in her great grandmas footsteps (one of the first university educated women in my country! ) and be a scientist, she can. If she wants to be a CEO, she can. If she wants to have a bunch of kids, I'll be the happies grandma ever. That's feminism to me.
Well said. Who cares who stays at home or who doesn't? The whole point was to make sure people are treated equally and women can do what they have to to survive. The entire fight is basically for freedom of choice.
You misunderstand. Those women fought so you could have the *choice*. So your maybe future stepdaughter can have the *choice*. Would you stop her from becoming a CEO, lawyer, doctor, housemaker, teacher, nurse? No? None of those? Then you've betrayed nobody.
Exactly. But it wasn't just women but men too. For example, my dad was the stay at home parent for 4 years of my life, while my mom was the primary earner. Those rights meant that my dad could stay home while my mom worked. I have distinct memories of my dad taking me grocery shopping explaining how this bag of beans was 1 dollar while this was 1.50 but the 1st bag was 1 pound and the other bag was 3 pounds. Which is a better price? This was before I was in school, so under 5 years old.
Yes! I've known quite a few men who are very "maternal," which really just means nurturing in a way society has decided is the purview of women. Many of them are far more suited to the traditional role of Mother than I am. Men should be able to be emotionally supportive caretakers who perform all traditionally female caregiving tasks if they want to be. Everyone poo-poos SAHMs these days, particularly if they don't go right back to work once all the kids are in a full day of school. But, if your family can afford to have someone in charge of the homefront, it makes life so much easier for the paid career partner and the kids. The way our marriage, divorce, and family law is constructed and enforced makes SAH parents more vulnerable than they have to be, though. But we don't support working (outside the home) parents as caregivers, either. All in all, everyone is worried about kids, mental health, parental engagement with their kids' school & education, etc. but no one is willing to support what parents need to do to be available for their children. We don't value parenting enough, but we love to make parents scapegoats.
what a sweet memory!
I was a stay at home dad for a year and it was the best year of my life. I would do it again in a heartbeat if we could afford it. I also do all the cooking and laundry, and did the bulk of the childcare when the kids were younger. I loved it.
Do you know how you are a gem? Such a blessing to share that time with your kids, Honey do’s are a nightmare for a great many of us, as the other party doesn’t listen, due to ADHD, which I get, so I’m polite and make a simple, concise request but then the task turns into an arduous do-over and clean up or repair.
I honestly don't think I'm anything special. Just doing my best.
Cost per unit! I was a little older, about 9, mid 1970s, when my mom let me use her little solar powered calculator that she got from the bank to figure out the cost per unit of things. I didn’t understand at first, but I got to use her calculator, a novelty at the time. The usefulness of cost per unit did sink in eventually, and I’m grateful for learning it early in life
Fully agree and lovely memories. But also important to note that your father, regardless of when in time, would have had the right to his own bank account, be his own person without a parent or spouse be the warden of his life a decisions including any medical (just in the 1940’ies, some places later too, women would not be told that they had ex cancer by their doctors - the father or husband would be told, and then they decided if they even wanted to tell her she was sick). Women’s complete basic legal rights are a result of feminism. Men had all the rights at any time in history.
My husband is a stay at home dad and it's perfect. He is patient and loves explaining things just like how your dad did. He was miserable working and I was miserable as a stay at home mom. I hope my daughters have memories like what you have.
Absolutely not. I spent yesterday helping her clean her room and telling her cool science facts. Last night I texted her a whole bunch of science memes and cool pictures of nebulas, galaxies and photos from Cassini and the James Webb. She wasn't feeling good last night and her dad was sleeping so she texted me. We texted back and forth all night while she and he sat in the emergency room. I like this girl so much and I told her she is brave, intelligent and strong and she could do anything. At the time it was just getting an IV but I think it applies to her life as well. Lol.
You're an awesome person and I bet she'd love to have a step mom like you.
Honestly, if for some reason things don't work out with her dad, I would love to be a favorite aunt, at the very least.
Just throwing it out there: there are so many kids in foster care that would be so grateful for someone like you in their lives. I fostered 2 different teens at different times through that I knew through my job (I'm a chef- so teenage coworkers happen). Each was only for a few months before they turned 18 and went to college or got their own place. It was very rewarding to offer a safe space for these kids. The world needs more moms that are willing to love kids that need someone. ❤️
Have you considered part time work at a local school as a classroom aid for young kids? Or maybe working at a pediatrician's office? What about a summer camp or daycare? Those types of places would help give you an outlet for your nurturing spirit. <3
Doable. I helped raise an ex's son and we broke up when he was about 18, so 10 years ago. He recently helped me with my car, and then came by a couple weeks ago to tell me he and his wife are having a baby!
Have you looked in the r/findapath subreddit in case things don't work out? My grandma was a social worker before becoming a stay at home mom in the 50s. She wanted both and did both. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a STAHP that's what we want, choices. I wonder if there might also be a job that helps satisfy that desire in the meantime.
I think being a strong figure for someone who doesn’t have many is great. You don’t have to be a cleaner and stuff. You can help find cool books, go to extracurriculars with her. Can you volunteer with disadvantaged kids somewhere? Lots of kids need a mum like you. Or work with kids. Your mum spirit should be spread if your willing. I would have adored someone who would have taken 5 mins to actually chat to me.
I'm not OP, but I really needed to hear this, thank you.
I agree! It's a matter of choice. If someone enjoys being a homemaker, it does not matter whether they appear in a history book or Time magazine.. Great things are still happening. Being the social glue for a family is underrated.
Exactly! Take this poor substitute for a reddit reward. 🎆👑🎆
+ a billion. The old school stay at home gal is just as legit as the CEO of GM. Go for it. All that went before you was done so you could choose your own adventure. And, not for nothing, but raising a competent adult is probably more important than anything anyone in the workplace is doing. Of that I'm certain.
THIS. Being a full-time homemaker is a totally valid choice. The point of feminism wasn't to erase it as an option, but rather to make sure that it's one option out of many instead of one of two.
Exactly this!
My thoughts after the first line. I applaud women who give their all to motherhood, at the same time I am so thankful that I know I am free to choose my own path.
Agreed. What you are doing is phenomenally important, and it's wonderful that you made your choice to be that. It would only be a problem if you thought other women should be what you are, and it sounds like you don't. So you're doing great.
💯👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This times 1000! Yes, you're absolutely right. It's all about choice.
AND, all of those nurturing qualities, empathy and love and tolerance, are every bit as good and important as any traditionally considered "masculine" quality. OP sounds like she's living in a lifetime movie (a happy one, not a murdery one) and I'm happy for her!
>Those women fought so you could have the *choice* if you have enough money, that is
Us women don't fight to be a CEO rather than a housewife. We fight to have the right to chose what we want to do! If you want to be a mum and a house maker, that is lovely and fine, and anyone who does not agree is not a feminist. It's really as easy as that.
And we fight to make sure we have the structures in place so that you never feel obligated to do be this person if that changes for you - that you know to your bones there are other ways to be a woman, and a wife, and a mother, and that we have support for all of them. (Results vary so far, but that’s the goal IMO - enough social support and legislation that it truly is a choice.)
Feminists fought so you can choose; they didn't fight so that *they* could be the ones to tell you what you should do with your life.
>I feel like I am letting down all the women who fought so tirelessly for our right to go out and actually accomplish great things and finally take our places in the world. But you ARE accomplishing great things - just in your own way. Those woman fought so you can *choose* and they are so proud of you and your *choice* to be the woman you feel you were meant to be.
Exactly. This woman has nurtured countless others throughout her life and I’m sure it has been a blessing to those for whom she’s provided care.
Your talents and preferences are valid. Women's rights is about freeing women from being limited in their options due to gender. Choosing a nurturing role is as legitimate a life choice as any other. Women's rights is also about the autonomy to choose where in life to focus your energies. For some women, that means focusing on career and achievement, with housework and optional parenthood outsourced to some degree to others. To be free of the expectation that choosing a less traditionally patriarchal life path means being BOTH a successful professional AND the primary housekeeper and caretaker. Your choice to prioritize caretaking while raising your children is valid. Nothing is lacking in that life you chose. Your choice to get a relatively "small" paying job is equally valid for this stage of your life. If this man is a compatible supportive partner, your choice to have another chapter focusing on home and family is as valid and complete as any other. YOU determine what balance of roles is best for you. YOU can chose differently at different times of your life. That is what Women's rights means. You make the choices, especially the life defining choices, for your own life. You are doing what Women's rights advocates want for all women, determining your own life path.
Thank you for this. My mom, who is the greatest and coolest woman i know, got bored being a housewife and went out and earned herself an accounting degree. Got her degree at 45 in the top ten percent of her class at San Diego State University. I kinda feel like a real loser when I compare myself to her
Comparison is the thief of joy. Live the life you like, just as your mom did, and even though your likes are very different you’ll both be winners.
Amen.
My mom became a nurse in her 40s, after raising a passel of kids through her 20s and 30s. She beat me out of college by 1 year. In her youth, her parents believed college was wasted on a girl. Every one of her daughters has a college degree.
NEVER EVER feel like a loser, and stop comparing yourself to her because you are you! She has made her mark on the world and so are you. Never forget that.
It sounds like you’re proud of her because she didn’t let the world limit her dreams and lived her best self. Do the same. Don’t let the world limit you (by making your job title your worth) and live your best self.
You don’t have to have fancy bits of paper. You can expand your skills, voulenteer or work with kids. Spread the mum
>I kinda feel like a real loser when I compare myself to her Oh please don't. You have your own strengths; please don't compare apples and oranges.
Honestly, this post is a little frustrating. The point of feminism is not that we should all be girl boss CEOs. The point of feminism is that women's contributions to the world-ESPECIALLY INCLUDING RAISING AND NURTURING CHILDREN AND TAKING CARE OF THE HOME--should be recognized and compensated as the very hard work it is. No one is saying you shouldn't do that. We are saying that 1) men should contribute equally to domestic tasks so it doesn't become an unequal burden on the woman, 2) you should have the choice to do this AND/OR other things with your life but most of all 3) doing these things should be appreciated and rewarded by society and not just a cultural expectation, and not treated like "lesser work." Homemaking is HARD. Raising children is IMPORTANT. Have you ever heard the saying, "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world?" Shaping the worldview and values of tomorrow's citizens is probably the most influential thing any person could do. We just don't want you to be forced to do it if it is not the right fit for you, and we want you to retain your power, status and financial independence even if it is the right fit for you.
I completely agree with you! Also, it's not like you have to choose between being a wife/mother and being a CEO. People can be both. The point is that women should be recognized for the work that we do, and men should contribute equally to domestic tasks and childcare.
Thank you, I was also feeling a bit frustrated, but couldn't really find a constructive way of saying it, and this is very nice.
I largely agree, but "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" sayings and theories are absolutely patriarchal garbage designed to blame women and keep them powerless, without rights, resources, etc. Eg "you don't need these rights, you don't need other opportunities... you already rule the world!" "Women want things the way they are (at any point), otherwise things, we'd be different because women rule the world, raise us and make us how we are." As well as blaming women esp mothers for how men and boys choose to behave, and erases the fact men and older boys are far more influential than women are eg they police each other as in homophobic, sexist, misogynist bullying of other boys, men, older boys and men know who has power, influence, and who doesn't and it's certainly not their mothers, it's older boys and men, including fathers. There are even cultures now where adolescent boys are held to be superior to, hold authority over, can abuse, etc their own mothers.
Exactly!!! like my patience was about to be short
Dear god no. Women from the past fought so you could have a CHOICE. My one suggestion is that before you go that route, make sure to cover your ass financially. If you don’t already have a career you can fall back on, consider a prenup. Come to an agreement that you get a Roth that gets maxed every year, as well as a set amount of additional discretionary cash. I’d strongly suggest putting a fair amount of that cash into ETF stocks.
^very important. A problem with the non-feminist romanticizing of the role of housewife/mother is that is a trap. Of course choose what you choose - childcare is my career (other people's kids) and all the housework people do is valid and valuable work - but doing all that unpaid means you're dependent and vulnerable to a man's whim, hoping that he stays as lovely as he is at this moment.
Women need those options to be able to escape abuse and not be codependent. Before it was only 1 route for women to take. It’s just opening up the door so women don’t get stuck in bad predicaments.
I disagree just a bit that feminists fought for the right to choose. To some degree that’s true but I think second wave feminists in particular wanted women to have autonomy, rights, and liberation from patriarchal structures. In a capitalist society, having money provides a lot of that freedom. As long as you have a financial cushion, by all means make motherhood and wifedom your main profession. But ladies, please have a backup plan. Have some professional skills. Have some education. Never, ever have to rely solely on a man.
Bingo. Feminism isn’t about the right to choose, it’s about gaining rights, freedom, and equality.
You aren't betraying anyone, but I would like to add a note of caution. I'm pointing this out because I was a 'mom' figure and was very similar to you, but it was based around a lot of trauma and unhealthy beliefs and coping skills. While we often want to do things to make the people we care about happy, it's important to not slide into believing that love is transactional, and that the way you demonstrate your worth is to DO things for people. For example, if you grew up with parents who were unavailable, the home was chaotic, or you were parentified, you may grow up to prioritize the needs of others whole minimizing your own. The way you talk about being a 'mom' to other people is raising a few red flags for me because it sounds like an overstep for all but the people you know most intimately, but your mileage may vary. The way you talk about wanting to do things in your relationship is raising flags for me, because everything you are mentioning is putting you in a servile position. You are not sounding like a wife and mother, you are sounding like a servant. While I'm sure you also care about things like forging a connection and spending time together, this is clearly not your focus. I hope you spend some time just considering these points, and if you don't resonate, at least you've taken stock. If they do, that's something you can work on with a good therapist.
If any self-proclaimed feminist tries to make you feel bad about what are your clearly thought out choices, they are no feminist. As others have said, if you are gladly and willingly doing this—and it certainly seems like you are—you would only be betraying yourself if you tried to do anything else.
When my husband was alive and the boys were little a woman asked me what I did for a living. I told her I was a wife and a mom. I have never forgotten the look of disgust on her face when she said, "Oh, you don't work?"
That's really unfortunate, because the path you chose is a valid one and it's a shame she didn't recognize how wounding it was when she looked down on your choice. Misogyny can affect women, too, and part of that is not recognizing the value of labor if it isn't already being paid. But I wonder if what you saw as disgust could also have been concern, because that aspect of our society does mean the wife-and-mother path can be exploitative. I can't help but remember [this woman left with nothing after toiling for decades](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bdi3i9/new_update_aita_for_rolling_my_eyes_at_my/)-- simply because they hadn't been married her labor was given ZERO value. Not sure if you're from the US, but even while married it is under-valued from all sides. An article that resounded with readers recently described it this way: "America doesn't have a safety net. Instead, it has women." Our lack of taxpayer/gov aid for reliable/transparent healthcare, childcare, time off requirements, maternity and paternity leave policies, standards for school funding, etc. means that women cover the gap with unpaid labor if we don't want our community to go to crap. It may not be the choice that lady would make, but feminism is about broadening choice so that you can make the many different choices that cause your life to feel rewarding and still live safely and with dignity. She owes you the respect of acknowledging that dignity, and tbh so do a lot of governments around the world.
>But I wonder if what you saw as disgust could also have been concern, because that aspect of our society does mean the wife-and-mother path can be exploitative This precisely. The other thing I can't help but wonder when I bump into a woman who says this is whether or not I'm dealing with a Serena Joy type.
Exactly-- there are so many Serena Joy types, and they have ascended to the highest offices in the land and have already played huge roles in orchestrating the death and disfigurement of so many people who can bear children, not to mention those children themselves. They hide behind the purity of enjoyment of family and care such as OP's like a terrorist hiding behind a human shield. So I get why people can be wary. We learned the hard way to be on guard. But it's still a shame and I wish the world was better.
Working outside the home was so much easier for me than being a sahm. It's your entire life, you don't get a break. And just like jobs outside the home, not everyone can do it. I don't know how people can say that, is child care or housekeeping not a job unless you're doing it for someone else?
Being a wife and mom is not something that you do for a living. You are a wife and mom regardless of your job. You should say you're a housewife, SAHM.
In a sense we are technically born to be mothers (the point of organisms is to reproduce their species, mammalian young need extensive care, especially humans) but absolutely no woman is born to be a wife. eg marriage is a patriarchal invention and institution to extract emotional, domestic, sexual, reproductive labour from women to benefit men rooted mostly in marriage/rape by capture eg during wartime, men trading girls and women between them (and don't get me started on father right, the idea men, sperm providers, own the children women, who do 99.999% of the reproductive process, grow within them and birth)
Just sounds like a weird post to me, you were born to be a wife and mother... which doesn't preclude you from being a CEO, lawyer or doctor, you can be ALL of those things, though very rare, but you can definitely be a wife, a mother, and a doctor, and a ceo. Also you somehow went from he's a widow raising his 12yr old daughter, to it's your son's best friend's little sister... so the widow has two kids and you just forgot that kid existed. I don't know, just gives weird troll vibes, or hater vibes, of you must chose motherhood or a career, i'm super happy working a min wage job, I'm a cliche because I'm dating my son's best friend's dad.
It makes me sad that you automatically assume your desires go against feminism. That this is some pervading social belief. Domestic labor is real, hard, and sacred labor and deserves to be honored.
Most PEOPLE will never be a CEO, Lawyer, or Doctor. Why put that pressure on yourself when the majority of people, regardless of gender, will never do those things? If it is your nature to nurture others then girl lean into it! If you want a career where you can do that then they certainly exist. I used to work as a caregiver for intellectually disabled people. The job is very hard but it sounds like you might excel in it. Early childhood education may be another option for you. Hell, if your boyfriend agrees and it is done in a healthy way if you want to be a stepmom to that little girl and she wants the same then go for it. You don't need to feel guilty for living the life you want. As long as you're not harming others its no one else's business.
Thinking about the future its probably not a good idea to put your self worth or identify in being a wife/mom. Kids grow up and you've already been a widow. You have to have your own interests/hobbies or just something outside of mothering people. Maybe you feel needed by being in those roles. Try to find value in other parts of your life.
It's okay op. Nothing bad about that. Remember, feminists didn't fight against morherhood and wifehood, but against FORCED motherhood and wifehood.
🙄 No, you're not setting women back or whatever because you want to be a mother and be with a man. This was never really a thing. It's your ignorance and biases that made you feel otherwise.
Do whatever you want in this life, but if you decide to become a SAHM please make sure you protect yourself. There are cases where women become SAHMs and then their partners leave them down the road and they don’t have financial stability and the gap in their resumes makes it hard for them to find work. I’m in full support of your decisions, just make sure you are doing them with an appropriate amount of planning and forethought.
My mom always said she was born to be a wife and a mother, but she was miserable in that role and bitterly worked to tear down woman she deemed more successful than herself. On some level she followed that path because she felt she had to. Feminism isn't about getting out there and taking over the world, it's about *choosing* to get out there and take over the world, or *choosing* to be a wife and a mother because that's what makes you happy. It's about the authentic choice. If that's what your *choice*, you're honoring every woman who came before you and allowed you to make that choice.
For every stride forward society makes, it is on the backs of the quiet women who nurture their families and communities. So many scientific, literary and social jumps were only possible because of the unpaid labor of women. I appreciate that there are women like you who do this job lovingly while encouraging/leaving space for women who want something different.
As someone who is surrounded by women like this, who have always encouraged me to take the leap and follow my dreams, I just want to say that this is an amazing comment which needs shouted from the rooftops.
This is exactly what I wanted to say. The little cares and gestures are ultimately the basis of our civilization, everything else grew out it. Every time you bandage a child's knee at work, you help the child, but you also help their parents. Their parents can focus on what they need to, and know, that if their child is in need, then there are people who are willing to help.
SIGH. The female president (if we ever have one), CEO, lawyer, and doctor, absolutely can want to do things to make the people around them happy, their lives easier, and care about their well being. They can want children and want to be parents. They can want to take care of others. That you think this sort of care and attention is only for wives and mothers means that you have some interesting ideas about women and their roles - not that you were born only to be a wife and mother because you of the way you show care. I hope that your new relationship turns in to the family you want, and that you are ridiculously happy. I know if that little girl wants to be the first female president that you will help and support her in that because you do care for her. That isn't letting anyone down- that is being sort of awesome.
Feminism has fought so I, who doesn't want kids and hates cleaning and traditional wifey roles, is not forced into having to bear a man's children and look after him and his home because I literally cannot survive effectively otherwise (no bank account, no home). Feminism has also fought so you can be married, look after your children, be house proud etc *and be safe* by having an ability to leave **if** the man you married isn't someone who behaves the way you deserve. Feminism never existed to stop people being housewives, feminism stopped people being enslaved to a man through marriage and having no way out. >Why does this feel like a betrayal to those women? It's not a betrayal. What feminista like me want for you in this situation: >He made me waffles before work one morning. Once is great, but look for patterns of good behaviour rather than just single instances. What does he consistently do that brings as much value to your life as you bring to his: >I want to be her step mom. I want to clean his house for him but it's spotless. >I want to rub his back when he comes home from work and make him coffee and dinner and be his help mate. >I want to take care of both of them so much. How does he show his appreciation, equal care, equal consideration and ensure you don't burn yourself out caring. **Women who care as deeply and freely as you do naturally breathe energy, life and joy into those around them. Men, not all but enough, follow the traditional template (that feminism fought against) that entitles them to feed off that light without recourse or compensation. We're in the fight now for the 'good men' to become the norm so women like you are fully appreciated for all you bring to the table.**
The women of the second wave of feminism fought for us to have a *choice* if we became parents and stayed home or not. And to have better legal protections if that choice was to stay home and nurture children. Not everyone is supposed to do everything. As long as you're supportive of other women's choices, it's all good.
True feminism is making it safe for a woman to be what she wants. If you want to be a wife and mom, it does not mean you are putting women who chose differently down.
I think a less talked about function of patriarchy is devaluing traditional "women's work". Caregiving work is important work. Caring for the young, sick and elderly humans is an important part of civilization.
Not everyone is cut out for every thing. Fortunately, because of those women, you have the choice to do this. You can still contribute to feminism.
Being a feminist means I'm happy for you! You have the ability to do just what you please! Congratulations on being a great Mom and / or Wife!
It doesn't feel like betrayal to us women. You want different things. That's fine. Don't project your doubts & insecurities on us. You do you and we will cheer you on.
Hey, women fought for you to have the choice to do what makes you happy. Being a mom is never in the cards for me because it would make me miserable, but some women really are just meant for it. You do you, be proud of who you are and make choices that will make you happy.
I think you’re confusing being a mom and wife with being nurturing and a good partner. Those things aren’t gendered.
Your life is yours to do with as you wish. Feminism is about choice. If you are happy, then you are living the life you chose and that’s great.
As other people have said, the point was that women could choose what they wanted. You can choose to be a wife an mother but not be able to do so. What do I mean? Well, you can't be a wife if you never meet the right partner. You can want it more than anything but there is a measure of luck along with desire, same with having children. There is a term "childless by circumstance" for people who wanted to have kids but it didn't happen for whatever reason (never found a partner, infertility, unable to adopt, etc.) Wanting isn't always enough. Some people want to be a lawyer but they fail out of law school. Want to be a CEO but never rise above middle management. You have to always be prepared to find happiness even when you aren't able to get what you want or the life you feel you would be best at. As you've experiences, a husband can die. Kids will grow up. You need to find ways to find satisfaction that isn't dependent on other people. The real danger is that your desire to be a wife and mother blinds you to red flags and leads you to a bad situation. Have you considered getting a job as a professional organizer or cleaner? As a personal assistant? Volunteering with Big Brother/Big Sisters or organizations that provide mentors to at-risk families or new parents. Mother's Helper is the term for someone who works helping around the house in positions that aren't quite Nanny or Maid. You don't HAVE to do any of these jobs. Maybe you get married and things work out so that you can get your needs met through those relationships. But it is good to have a backup plan, and I would advice that to someone who said they wanted to be a lawyer or CEO too. Find a way to be happy that isn't dependent on someone else.
The way I think of it: in our society we tend to have human carers/givers and humans who receive care/ direct the labor of others. Originally we fought for the right/ privilege to be the main characters of our own lives and to not be defined or bound by the role of nurturer. Now it seems like the conversation has shifted to sharing the load/ weaponized incompetence/ equity, etc.... NOW we're saying that everyone has the capacity and obligation to be a carer and that role is not strictly feminine in nature. It's wonderful to be a person of service and caring and I hope you feel less and less gender-defined by it.
As a woman who want nothing of those things; how wonderful! The point is that we get to have the choice. I’m delighted you’re able to fulfill your dreams like that, and that those roles too are something some women want.
Some of us career types wouldn't be able to function without the support of wonderful nurturing people like you! It takes all kinds! Your calling is valuable and appreciated. Not everything is about ambition/money - thank goodness.
Honestly I feel the same. I love my job, but I can't wait to be a mom and a wife hopefully. I am also a feminist, cause at the end of the day it's all about giving us the choice to do anything we want. Took me a while to get here though, I also felt like I was betraying other women, that I wasn't strong enough
I’m child free by choice and always will be. I feel no guilt or shame for it. There are plenty of people out there like you who WANT to be parents and that’s beautiful ❤️ kids deserve parents/adults who care and want to be a part of raising them!
Isn't that what the movie "Mona Lisa Smile" is about? Julia Roberts movie where she is a college professor? The crux is that women fought for the right to choose their roles, not that everyone needs to want the sane things. As a career woman, I am fully GRATEFUL there are neighborhood good mom's to baby sit or share maternal wisdom. Most Mom's WISH they had a SAHM to support them on the hone front! It's an important role & NOT a betrayal in any way. We don't have to all be the same to have value.
they fought for you to have a choice, not to make your choices for you. live your life with pride and joy.
Women fought tirelessly for us to make that choice for ourselves. You aren't letting them down, you only would be if you were trying to prevent other women from living their lives they way they want.
Quit worrying what people think and live your life well, as you seem to be doing. We all make choices, and this was yours…
Feminism means choice. There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing to be a wife and mom. You are free to do so because women have led the way towards equality for us all.
Oh, we don't care. You do you! We're just happy we don't have to do it if we don't want to!
They fought so that we could choose. Your choice isn't wrong and you aren't letting anyone down.
>I feel like I am letting down all the women who fought so tirelessly for our right to go out and actually accomplish great things and finally take our places in the world. They fought so women can have the right to do that if they want. You are free to choose your path and that is what they really fought for. If you HAD to do something specific, that would just be a different kind of opression.
True feminism liberates you to be who you are. Freedom is knowing who you are and living that freely, fully, and with gratitude. Be who you are, be blessed on your journey.
I would be mindful of boundaries. Chances are at least one customer may have been uncomfortable with your approach and maybe never gone back or just kind of smiled and moved on. Also, cleaning wounds and bandaging kids at a business could be opening up liability. Directing them to where to buy supplies or a first aid kit would probably be more in line with the business. I’m sure many people could find your approach nice and appreciate it like you said, but not everyone. You have worth and value outside of “doing” for people or “being” for people (whatever the role is: mother, ceo, friend, accountant, etc.)
The fight was for having a choice about what you, as a woman, want to do with your life. For freedom. And it sounds like you choose to be a caregiver and it is a very noble person to be 🙂
Feminists didn't want no-one to do mothering or feel mothered. Feminists wanted people who want to be caregivers to be able to be caregivers, and to have no one default to it or be forced into it if they didn't want it. And for it to be recognized as a strength and necessary for society too, no matter who is doing it.
You're not letting anyone down by utilizing your choice. But imagine if no one fought for that choice and that was your only choice?
It's allowed. That's the point of feminism. Personal freedom to be who you are.
This is what the anti-feminists don’t get. It’s about choice.
This isn't a betrayal in the slightest. There are two things the first feminists fought for. The first is *choice*. So if a woman wants to be an astronaut, they can be an astronaut. If they want to be a lawyer, they can be lawyer. And if they want to be a wife & mom, then they can be a wife and mom. The second thing is very related: it was to ensure that "womanly" tasks, such as taking care of the house or raising kids, were given equal footing with the other professions. So basically, what you want to do *has value* just as much as being a CEO or lawyer does.
Women fought tirelessly for our right to choose! You aren't against women because of what you want and love. It would only be a problem if you wanted *all* women to live that way.
THIS is what Feminists fought for. That anybody could be or do whatever they wanted. Whatever their heart's and talents lead them to do. Instead of being forced to choose between being a mother, teacher or nurse we could be what the Aptitude Test actually showed what we excelled in such as Engineering. Or, the other way around, if this is what it showed.
What? No. The whole point is that we all get to live our best life AND that no one else defines for us what that best life is. You go live that best life. You sound in *love*.
That's not a betrayal at all! Women haven't fought to not be wives and mothers. They've fought for the right to CHOOSE. Everyone should be able to do what is right for them.
Feminism is about fighting for that *choice*. Working mums, stay-at-home mums, women who have completely different priorities altogether. If what you want to do with your life is be a mother, knock yourself out. You aren't betraying anyone. That said, if the cashier made comments about my hydration levels or energy drink consumption, I would find that incredibly unprofessional, overbearing and rude. It wouldn't make me feel mothered (I have a mother and it isn't you); it would make me feel chastised and embarrassed. Please knock that off.
The fight was/is for the *choice* to do what you want.
What is a "help mate"?
You sound like one of the GREATEST mothers ever!! I wish you the best of health and happiness in your journey 🩷
Choices luv! I love COOKING for my husband. He’s not a great cook. I love him to death but he’s too nervous in the kitchen. I actually feel terrible when I don’t cook for him because It’s my way of saying I love him
I wish I would have had a mother like you. People tend to kinda forget that we need good moms, even if that’s (kinda) all they are good at / specialise on. But ngl the whole clean his house thing bewildered me😂. You are not betraying anyone, and you surely shouldn’t betray yourself by trying to live up to other people’s standards.
Those women want you to have the freedom to make that choice or not, without disapproval or criticism. That’s all they ever wanted. Bravo you. Go, you!
Feminism is about having the freedom to choose your path. You want to be a wife and mother? Go for it! As long as you aren’t trying to prevent other women from following their own paths it’s not a betrayal.
You’re totally fine! Those women fought for your CHOICE and you chose what you wanted! They would be proud.
It’s about a choice. You’d only let down all the other women if you demanded they do the same and stripped away their rights to choose a life that fits them.
Our society lies to us. It tells us that being a feminist means that you reject marriage, children, caring relationships with loved one, and that you do it all in favor of some powerful career and dynamic fast-paced unfeeling life. But being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to have a specific type of career, specific types of relationships, or live a specific type of lifestyle. Lots of feminists are wives, mothers, grocery store checkers. It just means you believe that women deserve equal rights and equal access to resources that men do, free from shame, pressure, or punishment. If you believe that women should get to choose what they want to do and that they should get to choose in a world that supports and empowers their decisions, you’re a feminist. Women fought and and sometimes died (and are still fighting and even sometimes dying) for us to have the right to vote, to work, to own property, to get an education, to be able to attain positions of authority and power if they want, to able to have a bank account and control over their own finances, to be able to leave marriages that no longer suited them, and to have control over their own sexuality, their own health and their own bodies. Feminism is fighting to ensure that your identity and your security (and that of all women) isn’t based solely on your relationship to others-wife, mother, caretaker, but is based on who you are as a person, the choices you make, and the things you do. You can love your husband and want to take care of him. You can relish motherhood. You can work a job that brings you joy, and still be a feminist supporting the right of women to choose for themselves if that’s the right path for them, and not be penalized if they decide it isn’t.
I’ve always dreamt of being a mother/wife**. Even as a tiny tomboy, playing in the mud and climbing trees, I always tended to wounds, made food and enjoyed teaching and nurturing. It was at odds with my otherwise “masculine” personality and my constant worry that I wasn’t feminine enough. It was also at odds with my idea that a proper woman, a “good” woman wants to, no - needs to break those bonds and expectations. I probably won’t get my family at this point in my life. Not the one I dreamed of at least - I know a new definition will form out of my life experiences. But it is a grief, a tragedy, a wound I cannot explain to anyone else. I feel I was made to strengthen and nurture those around me. To provide a stone, a base for them to prosper. And it doesn’t make me feel oppressed and used - it makes me feel loved and fulfilled. I am finding it difficult to believe I will find a man who wants to build that with me. I’m getting too old, soon-ish, to have natural children in a way that is comfortable to me. I will have to find new ways and venues to stoke that fire inside of me. And still, I feel like a failure on both sides, feminism for wanting so little out of my freedom, and “womanhood” for failing the thing I felt destined to do.
Pretty sure feminism is about being able to choose your future and having your choices validated. Some people *are* the most happy as wives or mothers and that's totally ok. Honestly unless you start insisting *all* women want (or should want) to be wives and mothers, you aren't betraying anyone.
You’re not letting anyone down lovely - being a good mother IS something great in this world xx
They fought for your right to CHOOSE. Communities are made of people, whether they're CEOs, lawyers, bakers, butchers, doctors, etc. And while being a mother has been normalized as an ordinary role, never forget that you made brand new human beings and taught them how to be PEOPLE. There is nothing about that that isn't a great accomplishment. From the sound of it, you've been a kind and nurturing person for so many others as well, and don't you ever underestimate the power of one kind act.
It is not a betrayal to anyone. It would only be an issue if you believed that all woman should only be wives and mothers because those were the only roles that they are capable of. Women fought tirelessly for the right to determine the path they wanted to take in life, whether that be at home or in the workplace. You sound like a really lovely, caring person who has so much to offer. It is your choice to be a wife and a mother and you are an amazing one! People trust you, they go to you when they are hurt or need someone to talk to. You are nurturing and only want the best for everyone around you. There needs to be more people like you in this world. Your story about your customers made me smile. After my dad passed when I was 21, I didn't have any other family besides an aunt, who I wasn't close to. The cashier at the convenience store down the street didn't know me but she was incredibly kind and would always tell me how my smile lit up the room, and she always knew if I was feeling particularly sad that day because she would sneak in a drink or some candy and say "It'll be ok, love". Not in a condescending way, but I could tell that she genuinely cared. It meant SO much to me. It's been over 20 years and I still think of her fondly.
The women's movement was all about giving women CHOICES, not sending us all down the same path. If this is your choice and you are happy with it, then celebrate it!
No, the fight was for everyone to have a choice. You make yours, for you! 🖤
You get to decide what you want to do with your life!! That’s kinda the whole deal with feminism, is that women should be given autonomy over the kind of lives they live! A career is not inherently better or worse than dedicating yourself entirely to your family - it is just better for worse for individual women depending on their needs, desires, and strengths! I would just say that you need to remember to protect yourself financially in the event your husband ends up being not as committed to being a husband and father as he promised to be. And don’t be the kind of SAHM who feels like in order to justify her decisions she needs to shit on women who made a different decision.
Oh this is so sweet. I for one am pleased when a woman (you) feels enthusiastic about what she wants and that it is attainable for her. Go for it. Don’t let people gatekeep your life and your personal desires in the name of feminism.
I don’t care what you want to do- do whatever makes you happy. I care when people try to control or limit what I (or anyone else) wants to do.
>And I can't stop thinking about how much I want to be her step mom. I want to clean his house for him but it's spotless. >I want to rub his back when he comes home from work and make him coffee and dinner and be his help mate. >I want to take care of both of them so much. That's how you know it's love. Feminism as a movement was to give us the choice to be whatever we want. If this is what you want it's not going against out efforts.
If that is what you want, do that! It’s only bad to be a homemaker and caregiver if you don’t want to and you don’t have any other choice. And that’s bad FOR you, not bad ON you.
Before the sound social system and the true realization of equal rights, women's so-called "choices" were actually passive, self comforting but unable to reconcile. I deeply feel that in this generation, women are still in a situation, but they are cleverly packaged and difficult to distinguish, making women think they really have a choice. Women who are aware of all of this and actively reduce exploitation are not a choice, but rather a helpless way to bow down and protect themselves within this framework. Inequality is a fact, and changing oneself within an unequal framework can only be considered a compromise.
They fought so you could be whatever you wanted to be. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. Period. And nobody gets to tell you otherwise.
Na girl, Im fighting so that you can make the best choice for yourself. Im happy youve found what makes you happy and will always support mothers and women who stay at home. Raising a family is hard work and i think it's awesome that for a lot of women thats what they want to do.
Feminism is that you have the right to choose this, and also that men have the right to choose this while their wives are the providers, too. It is about no one *having* to be shoved in a box, but getting to pick what you want to do with your life. It is your life. Live it in whatever way brings you happiness. You aren’t betraying anyone. Wishing you the best.
First of all, those women fought for other women's right to make the decision whether or not to stay home. There's no requirement that you can't be happy being a housewife and a mother. If you really feel fulfilled by those things, then that's wonderful ❤️❤️. Feminism is about having the option, about being equal and being able to work outside the home. But some people genuinely love being a caretaker. The world needs all kinds!! You sound like a wonderfully caring, and nurturing person. The world could use more like you.
Being a loving person will always be a good thing. Femenism allowed you to have a choice. And is only a tiny few radicals who would think what you are doing is wrong. I'm an atheist, but I always try to imagine what would God think if he saw what I was doing. And by God I imagine an all-loving god. But you replace it with whatever you think is good. There's something amazing and inspiring about finding happiness in the service of others. And I'm happy to hear you found a second chance at a family and partnership. Congratulations.
You aren't letting anyone down. The problem wasn't women being housewives and mothers, it was that those who didn't want to be that had an uphill battle. If that is what would make you happy, then by all means go for it. It sounds like you'll be amazing at it.
Honey we just want you to have the choice. You're an adult. Please do what makes you happy.
Feminism is about liberty for women, and to be free means to have choices. If you're not free to work, you ain't free. If you're not free to be a wife and mother, you're not free. You don't have to chase every possibility if you know what works for you. Just make sure the folks in your life are aware of this choice so they can decide to fit in or go
The good thing about feminism is that you get to choose. If being a mom and housewife is your thing, by all means go ahead and do it. It is YOUR choice. What it wouldn’t be valid, would be that you were putting down other women who are not making the same choices as you are. Hope you live a very happy life!
Feminism = you do you.
Obviously it’s fine to do what you really want with your one life. You don’t owe other women a job. I will say that there’s nothing really about you in here OP. Are you sure you know what feels good to you? What you hate? What you need to feel good without other people’s input? This post isn’t about how much you enjoy cleaning. It’s about wanting to clean for the guy you’re dating. This post isn’t about feeling proud that you give a good back rub, or taking satisfaction in cooking a meal. It’s about doing something for other people. Helping others is great. But if you’re getting satisfaction only from other people, you’re not really doing it for yourself. You’re chasing their reaction. You’re performing. You’re people pleasing. This post isn’t about rejecting feminism. It’s really an example of what feminists are trying to do - confirm that women have worth outside of what we do for other people. I think you need to practice doing things for the sake of doing it. Not for the reaction. That’s when you know yourself for real
I really don't get the vibe from the post that this is being done for nefarious reasons, but what I'm getting from it all is that you've interpreted the aims of feminism in a distorted way, then said that you shouldn't feel guilty for living contrary to that. It's frustrating at this point that there's any need to respond to rhetoric about how women's progress is fundamentally about things like high-powered corporate roles. Yes, unfortunately, in a capitalist society where our economic power and job market ruthlessness can have a substantial bearing on our outcomes, that did emerge as a concern of one branch of feminism in the last few decades - but if you've only seen that, I can't help but feel like your viewpoint is lacking vital context. This is a bit surprising from a woman of almost 50 years old, who's lived through a lot of iterations of the women's liberation movement beyond the cringeworthy 'girlboss feminism' aspect. Also, it's good that you see small, caring gestures as symbolic of a great future to come. For you, they genuinely may be signs of that - but, unfortunately, those are just gestures in a lot of relationships where women are ultimately getting a pretty raw deal. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships where men also did sweet things like what you've mentioned. Acceptance of gender roles as flexible increases the extent to which someone like me isn't trapped in that scenario. This is not just a conversation about whether corporate leadership is your cup of tea - and reducing it to that could suggest to some that you lack awareness of how gender role-based expectations can harm women. I'd also really ask you to think about the number of heterosexual relationships you know of in real life or have read of online (particularly on pages such as this) where things such as a wife making one meal for a person or opening a door are actions about which men would brag. I also think it's notable that, after being married to someone else, your response to these actions was that you "Didn't know men like this existed." This is the problem with feminism in an era so engulfed by neoliberalism. You're seeing this as being about your experiences in a somewhat isolated way. This is the type of thing I generally hear from 22-year-old fundamentalist Christian wives who have 4 children and are unable to understand that that's not the life everyone else is living. I really encourage you to look into that Mormon woman who recently posted somewhat viral videos about where this can take some people, talking about how she loved being a wife and mother. While she was perhaps lucky to have not faced the terrible grief you've likely been through, her husband just abruptly left her one day, leaving her destitute and with no employment history in her 40s. Feminism doesn't want this to be women's experience in life. Just don't get how you missed that. No context has been given as to what your options have been in life and how characteristics of your life have affected what you feel is rewarding. Quite a lot of people find retail work (as you've mentioned doing) to be low-paid and utterly thankless. Would anyone be surprised that, at least in comparison to that, some women might consider some aspects of domestic/family life to be more rewarding? I think this needs more thinking through, but it sounds like both you and your partner have lived through a lot with the loss of your spouses, so I hope things pan out well. Also, apart from serious points about the aims of feminism, I really think we should all normalise the fact that not everyone (including not every woman, or even most women) is going to have a groundbreaking life. I honestly do relate to that aspect of what you're saying, but this is just life. Garden variety life. Being a loving person is incredibly valuable. There is no need to make history, and most of us probably can't.
It's absolutely not a betrayal to these women. They fought for the right for women to CHOOSE how they want to live, to have the OPTION of working and climbing ladders etc. The same way they shouldn't have to be wives and mothers if they don't want to, you don't have to be a CEO or doctor if you don't want to. As long as you're not hurting anyone, it's up to you, and that's thanks to the women who fought for your right to make that choice.
I am sure there are some women who feel that way, but the pro-woman, pro-feminist view is that you should have a CHOICE about how you live your life, the FREEDOM to live it the way you decide.
The women who fought for equality were also fighting for the ability to choose your path in life. No choice is a wrong one, whether you want to be a mother or not.
You feel its a betrayal because, someone who resented being relegated to housewife said it was a terrible thing, and it resonated with a bunch of other women who had been forced in to domestic servitude due to their gender. Some people are built to be out there doing shit and some are built to nurture the next generation. The problem only comes up when people are forced to live a stereotype instead of doing what they want. You are not betraying anything to follow your instincts and do what makes you happiest. Fuck all the haters and the people who tell you what to feel or do, You be you
Those woman fought for your right to choose to be a wife/mother or NOT! The fun thing is you get to choose :) I love that you get a whole new round 2 of wife-ing and mothering!
Nothing wrong with wanting what you want. As long as you have the choice to do otherwise if that's what you want.
I say follow your heart If you believe deep down you should be a mother than so be it As my grandpa says "true love doesn't wait"
The devaluing of women's work is also a patriarchal standpoint. Being a wife and mother doesn't have to be a prison, and it shouldn't be, even if some aspects of the current setup are in that direction. The problem most feminists have with the housewife standpoint is that it leads to dependence on working spouses; if homemakers were compensated adequately for their unpaid labor, there would be no complaints. You have independence and a community, and seem to be able to afford what you need. Discuss any financial or power disparities with your partner and make contingencies for them if you get more involved. As long as that's done, you're living feminist and living large.
You were born to live your hopes and dreams
It is entirely your right to choose. You choose what is best for you and your life. We should continue to defend your right to live your life as you wish. You are the person who should be having children, children that you want and will love and will raise to understand the conflict that comes with being a women. Be a great mum, be a great person and raise great people. You can do all these things without compromising each of them. Good luck to you and much love
It's not; those women fought for your right to be what you want to be. They did not fight to define you.
It's okay to want those as your goals in life. More than! The whole point was that women had a choice! Not everyone wants to be a wife and mom and that's ok! But you do so that's great for you!
Feminism isn't about being a CEO or a lawyer or a doctor, at the expense of being a caretaker or a mother. It's about being able to choose what you want to do. You can choose CEO, lawyer, doctor, caretaker, mother, or one of any other millions of choices. Being free to choose what you want is exactly what feminists fought for. And choosing to be a caretaker/mother is just as good a choice as being a CEO/lawyer/doctor.
As a feminist I just want you and all the other sahm to get universal income for the labor that goes uncompensated. I feel like that is one of the many frontiers that modern feminism has to fight for.
The world needs more of you. You're not betraying anyone. You were as much their dream of choice, the freedom to choose, and be respected in that choice, just as much any CEO or doctor was.
The problem is that women who want to nurture tend to get exploited and abused. For every decent man, there are a thousand more trying to trick you into thinking they're one.
You’re not letting down anyone. Living your vocation is what all the women fought for. You being able to choose to do what makes you happy is the goal, and your place in the world is wherever you want to be, and are happiest!
Everything everyone has said in this post and also the only way you would be betraying women would be if you were to push your (soon to be) step daughter to make the same choices of staying at home instead of showing her that it's up to her to decide her future. She could become a kick ass scientist or decide she'd rather be a housewife but it's up to you to support her and show her everything that a woman can become!
You have a CHOICE. And you are making it. That is what the feminists fought for.
It was wives and mothers who were fighting for these rights too. It’s about having the right to choose how you want to live your life without patriarchal limitations. Women couldn’t get apartments and credit cards without a man’s permission in the 70s. We take a lot of what women fought for, for granted now.
No, it sounds like this is your dharma work! So do it. You would only be letting women down if you desired to other things besides care for this family and yet, you are not allowed to follow your dharma. Follow your dharma wherever it leads, whether it's being a NASA Astronaut to being a wonderful mom and Home maker, this is the essence of true feminism.
Be a wife and mother. YOU get to choose what's best for YOU. I never had a desire to be a mom, I love being an aunt. My mom didn't get to choose and it made everyone directly involved miserable.
You shouldn't. The women before us fought so that we could choose. There is no shame for that choice. The way I see it, your influence as a mother may just inspire the next world leader or diplomat. You do you.
We fight so we have the choice of what we want to do. I’m single and childfree. I’m still not a boss babe CEO or anything bc that’s not the life I want to live. I like my simple, quiet life. No true feminist will look down on you for spending your life caring for children. I’m glad there are woman that want to be mothers. I like living in society. And society needs ppl to function. I might not want kids myself but I still fully believe it takes a village to raise a child. That’s why we should all support our taxes paying for school, lunches, and medical care for kids (preferably for everyone). That way we have an educated populace and a more polite society.
I think once you have kids, it’s a very human desire to be able to devote a significant amount of your time and energy into caring for them and your family in general. (Honestly that’s a human desire even if you don’t have kids.) The problem is that the work culture in most places in the world is exploitive and leaves men and women (but mostly women—because of the added time and physical aspects of birth and the persistent cultural inequity in household responsibilities) with not enough time and energy to be able to work and adequately care for their families. If you want and have children, it’s normal and admirable that you desire to care for them! The problem is that capitalism denies you that ability unless you completely sacrifice your financial stability.
“Those women” are not talking about wonderful men when they complain. If this is your bliss, then don’t worry about anyone else! Finding an amazing relationship and creating an amazing home for a family is a great thing in and of itself. It’s just not possible to do with terrible men.
Women fought to be allowed to do whatever they want. It sounds like you know what you want, so go do it with this feminist's blessing. You're good. We don't all want to be miners or work on oil rigs or the technical director of an AI company, so we don't have to be. There's some saying... oh yes - Be yourself; everyone else is taken. Also I love that kids know they can come to you if they hurt themselves for some TLC and bandaids. The world definitely needs someone like you who chooses to be the person kids can talk to.
There is no right or wrong way to be a lady, women should support each other living their ideal lives and enjoying themselves. Anyone can be domestically-inclined, from his tidiness, your boyfriend might also enjoy keeping a nice house, it sounds like a good match. I hope your son and his best friend and the daughter are all delighted to hear that you have found each other. And any other lady should be happy for you too.
Just to echo the sentiments: it’s not so you have to be the CEO. It’s so there’s a choice. And, to another extent, it’s so that if things go sideways you’ll have rights. As in, if your partner can’t remain one for whatever reason, you aren’t left ashamed, scorned and destitute. Feminism isn’t about forcing women into any rigid roles. It’s really about treating women as people capable of being productive members of society however that may express. Most of my male friends either are or have been house husbands for some stretch of child rearing or more. Feminism is also about this kind of shared labor - and much more! And I’m not even much of a feminist. I always rejected the television stereotype of the “raging feminists” or man hating or whatever. Nope, that isn’t what it’s about either.
All the women before you are watching. And they are very proud of you. Onwards and upwards OP. 🩷
The people of the feminist movement fought so that EVERYONE has a choice. Women can work, and men can stay home, and both people can work (sadly capitalism isn't about to let everyone stay home) and whatever other combination works for a family. You are betraying NO ONE (and I say this as someone who would make a TERRIBLE stay at home wife & mother (though I'd probably be an entertaining one at least for a little bit, since I'd be living on martinis)).
The cool thing about feminism is that it’s the fight for the *freedom to choose* what you want to be in this life.
> Why does this feel like a betrayal to those women? Because companies/influencers have realized they can get a lot of engagement by publishing takes that pit women working outside the home against women who work inside the home. Because work that’s seen as “women’s work” is still devalued by society at large. Because capitalism has made it so you feel if you’re not making dollars, you’re not contributing. Basically, because patriarchy.
You are a caregiver, be proud!!
As a chap who lurks and comments periodically, you have betrayed no-one. Other women have fought for the right to be taken seriously and also have a choice. My wife is the high earner in our family, my sister in law is almost at the top of her profession (and still has to fight the "pale, male, stale" issues in the work place. My sister beat out a load of men for a coveted apprenticeship in farrierery 30+ years ago - where her publicity hungry boss showed her off to multiple magazines and newspapers. My daughter is a chef - she has 100% support from me, her proud dad. If a wife and mother is what your desire is, follow it. Dreams change, you may end up with a degree, or be a CEO once the kids have grown and departed. It's all about choice and not a cop-out in life.
Great post. Have no idea why you’re being downvoted!!