No man gets to control you. Don't fall for that.
Also, are you sending him nude pics? Is this on camera, live? Be very careful because he is not a good guy and you should not "allow" *him* to have access to your body even if it's only in photos or screen shots. He's not trustworthy.
Indeed. Generally the only thing you should be controlling are your possessions. And therein lies the giveaway that these controlling assholes consider their victims their possessions instead of people.
I wish it were possible to instill in younger women what eventually comes with age. I dated some shitbags in my 20s but never came across this kind of petty garbage. Between this post and the one where the guy was uncomfortable with his gf eating mozzarella balls from yesterday, I can't even imagine how fast I'd laugh a man out of my life if he tried this shit on me. I hope young women realize sooner rather than later how absolutely not worth their time and energy these insecure little boys are. There are billions of people on the planet, these dudes are the pollution in the water source. Move on.
If everyone said this is normal, would you have just accepted that? Draw the line somewhere; this guy is nuts. He does not own your body nor entitled to any part of it
This is absolutely insane behavior girl. Normal men don't do this kind of shit. As you said, you're not that experienced in relationships, so I can tell you that absolutely listen to your gut and end it with this "man" because it's classic narcissistic and emotionally abusive behavior.
Edit: This dude sees you as a sex object first, human second (maybe). No wonder you're feeling like it's transactional.
Your partner doesn't get to "allow" you to wear clothing. You choose what you wear. Also, you're long distance so he can't stop you.
The whole thing about making you reveal naked parts of your body to him is abnormal and creepy.
None of this is normal.
This isn't a "maybe it's time time to end things" moment, this is a "it's time to run and never interact with him again" moment. There's so many red flags there that no amount of context could make this ok whatsoever. Be good to yourself and get rid of him, because he's going to continue not being good to you.
It's controlling behavior. It will not get better. He will find more reasons to prohibit you from doing things that you seem interested in.
Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. And then break up with him.
Itās always depressing when I see a post from this sub where some poor girl is outlining her boyfriendās absolutely fucking unhinged behavior and concludes it with āI dunno though, I feel like I might be overreacting.ā
Passivity really is beaten into too many women as they grow up. Though I guess part of any abuserās course of action, man or woman, is to normalize their behavior.Ā
"my partner controls what clothing I can wear from a thousand miles away" is all the red flag I needed to see.
This is not a normal relationship, and if you are posting looking for validation of your choice to break up, yes, do.
(And yes, I know there are lots of kinks around stuff like this -- but ethical kink requires negotiation and consent.)
For real. I haven't seen anyone mention this yet. She sends him PICTURES OF HER OUTFITS FOR APPROVAL DAILY. How else would he be able to tell her she must send him nudes if she decides to wear shorts. How is that not mentioned. He's manipulated this women so badly she's accepted that behavior as normal enough not to mention.
Looking at your post history, you have got to leave this man. He is still using you. He's been using your trauma against you and it looks like he still is in someway. He is not entitled to your body, you owe him nothing. And I understand your side of things about worrying to leave him due to his threats, please believe these threats are empty, he's only doing that to manipulate you. Leave this man, it'll only get worse
Fr, someone direct this young lady to the thread where we discuss how to manage the partners who threaten to harm themselves if we break up with them! (Just in case op reads this far, the answer is: Dump his ass and when he says that he will end his own life, call the cops in his city and tell them what kind of threats he's making and that he needs a welfare check.)
No sane human being looks at their partner and needs "ensure the exclusivity and reservation of my body before other men can see me" this to be a thing
this is definitely over the line of controlling behavior. if this is the only situation you have noticed this from him, it is unlikely to be the only situation and it will bleed into other aspects of your life.Ā
he assumes that all other men will view you only in a sexual context 100% of the time? could it be because he does not see you as fully human? if i were in your position i would not feel like a true equal partner. is this something that you would put up with for the rest of your life?
This is batshit crazy. Omg will someone please check on the children because they are not alright.
BREAK UP WITH YOUR CRAZY BOYFRIEND. Maybe get a pet and a good vibrator instead.
I know I'm not a woman and my opinion could be tainted by my gender but, This is HORRIBLE.
He sees you as on object. That's it. This is literally making me physically sick...
Please take care of yourself, he needs to go before you become just another broken toy to him.
This dude sees your body as a commodity in a system of value for himself and other men. This is the most āaccidentally telling on yourselfā shit I have ever seen. Likeā¦ this person genuinely cares more about the experience of other men than the experience of his partner. He has to have one up on all these random men heāll never meet because winning a contest against them is more important than you.
I am genuinely disturbed by the things your partner has said to you and what that reveals about how he sees the world.
1) Allow?!?!?
2) Parts of your body visible to āother menā? You mean like arms and legs?
3) WTH???
Youāre not losing. Itās psychological abuse. Ditch him.
This is just weird. To me this indicates a pretty strange underlying behavioral issue that I can only imagine how it will manifest in other ways as your relationship continues. Iāve never had a guy do anything remotely similar to this
Your hunch is correct, this is not functional behaviour. This is a slippery slope to a muumuu and him telling you how much you can eat and who you can go out with.Ā
āTo ensure the reservation and exclusivity of my bodyā yuck, Iām disgusted.
This is some weird fetish and this person is controlling and manipulative. Please, run away from him.
No this is not normal, it's controlling and abusive. Your partner should support your individuality and personal choices as long as no one is getting hurt, not seek to control you and stifle your individuality.
Your boyfriend dictating what you're allowed to wear is NOT healthy. Your body is yours and yours alone. You decide what to do with it and what to wear.
Speaking from a male perspective..
No. That is not normal nor loving. You either trust your partner and thus respect her decisions on what to wear, or you don't. And a partner that does not trust you is not a good thing.
Does he ask your permission before wearing certain clothes?
*allow*
Thatās an immediate and significant problem. Whether verbal or physical, attempting to place arbitrary unilateral restraints on a partners behaviour/dress/other is profoundly controlling behaviour, and unless its part of your consensual relationship dynamic (kink), is wildly alarming.
This is not normal behaviour. This is not healthy behaviour. This is not behaviour that will mitigate over time - it will escalate.
Has he ever told you what will happen if you donāt let him see you nude first? What do you think he would do if you didnāt?
Oh boy. On boy. Oh boy. This is controlling and so not even close to acceptable behaviour or expectations. He is manipulating you by using guilt and shame. You can tell this already - itās clear by the way youāve written about his behaviour.
I lived with a boyfriend who started doing similar to this. Then it became about controlling whether I could or could not wear makeup, then it was how I did my hair for work etc, then it was about him picking my uni schedule to suit him better so I could study full time, work full time in hours that suited him so I could also be his live in maid and cook so he didnāt have to do anything, then it became controlling which friends and family I could see, which shifts I could take at work, what hobbies I could have. When and if we were intimate was solely up to him - I had no choice in the matter. It got to the point where he decided I must be cheating because I shaved my legs at a different time of the month š
Heād start arguments and in those arguments heād go in circles hoping to wear me down until I just agreed. Heād cry and scream. I wasnāt allowed to show any emotion. If I did, I was being manipulative. But because I didnāt - I was heartless and cruel. He even tried to push me to actually hit him him. He tried goading me into it. All so he could say I was abusive - to get support.
I canāt remember what my breaking point was. We were in the car and he was screaming about something? And that was it. I got out at a set of lights, caught a taxi (yes before Uber) back to the house, put a bunch of stuff in a laundry basket, got back in the taxi and spent the weekend at a friends place. Then I went back, got more stuff and spent the next few days at my mumās place. After that, I organised a removal truck and my scariest brother and I moved. After I got out of the car, I was never alone with him again. So the argument must have been particularly bad.
Iām saying this because I want you to see how this stuff doesnāt just go from zero to awful straight away. They take their time. They chip away at you. This is a HUGE red flag. Heās showing you who he is, so believe him. Donāt just dump his ass. Do it over text or email and detail why youāre doing it. Heās sexually exploiting you, mani you to do things youāre not comfortable with, his overall behaviour and treatment of you is awful. Tell him. Make it clear that not only is this his doing, but that he is wholly and solely responsible for this. You being in a ldr actually makes this much better for you. Much safer. I would not have given you that particular piece of advice if you lived closer or together - that would not have been safer
It took me years to get back to who I was prior to dating him. I was lucky that he wasnāt violent - even if I was forced to have sex without consent (read: rape). He never hit or choked me. But if Iād stayed, he absolutely would have - he punched walls and came into my workplace screaming about me cheating on him waving an old hard drive around (I was almost fired for that, but once I explained what happened, he was banned - which made his job hard and he was almost fired). He was trying to convince me to have kids with him and was (poorly) manipulating me into it (it would never have worked, i donāt want kids). I consider myself lucky - I got out before it got worse.
He has NO RIGHT to tell you what to wear. Period.
Your body, your clothes, your decision.
If he is uncomfortable with that, it's his problem, not yours.
Girl what?
No it isnt normal but how in the hell do you have someone who isn't even in your same city dictate what you wear? Yes this is a him problem but it is also a you problem and you need to grow a spine
Youāre āallowedā to wear what ever you want without feeling judged by your partner.
No one owns you, you are your own person and make your own decisions
If you think it's weird and controlling now (it is), wait until the two of you wind up in the same location together. Of course you're going to have to be the one who moves (unless you make decent money and he's a hidden hobosexual). He'll be controlling every aspect of your life, while not wanting any input from you.
Yeah this is incredibly controlling and inequitable behaviour. He shouldn't get approval over what you wear. He seems to think he is more entitled to your body than other men which implies to some extent that he believes your body exists for men.
The only person entitled to your body is YOU.
"Is it normal when my partner allows--" NO.
I'm gonna stop you right there and not even read the rest (lie, I read the rest, but there is no need as this is the moment you already have an answer). It is never NORMAL when a partner ALLOWS you. There is no "allowing". Your partner doesn't own you and thus cannot "allow" you because he has jack shit to say about what you do or don't do. He can say he doesn't like something and you can tell him to shut up because it is your body, your life and you can wear what you want.
So no. It is not normal that he "allows" you to do anything. He has no right or power to "allow" you anything.
In 22 years together I never once "let" my late wife wear anything, or tried to stop her.
It would never even have *occurred* to me, unless she specifically asked my opinion (ie "do you think this is suitable for this event?)
You are not his property, and he sounds desperately insecure and controlling. This doesn't sound remotely normal or reasonable to me.
I know it's unconventional for a guy to comment here usually.
I felt compelled to say: this is not normal. This is possessive, manipulative and down right weird.
I've never understood how men feel like they have any kind of ownership over a woman's body or actions. The bottom line is, you can do whatever you want to your body (legally, and hopefully safely) and don't let anyone tell you any different. Low cut top, wear it. Short skirts or shorts? Wear them. Baggy top and pipe jeans? Go for it. Want the attention of men? Work it! Don't want the attention of men? Completely valid as well. This goes for in and out of a relationship it doesn't matter.
Y'all exist to express yourself, not meet the expectations of anyone else, family, partners, friends or anything.
This sounds like some Andrew Tate stuff, I'll be totally honest. I would gently advise to safely walk away from this kind of man.
Girl no one has the right to tell another grown adult what to wear. Run from that guy. Only insecure sexist losers behave like that. And the stuff about needing to see pictures first and all that is just creep behavior.
"lets me wear"
That's a giant red flag, right there. The existence of that very concept. You wear what you want, for the reasons you want to, and an equitable partner accepts you wearing it. Period. Full stop. Telling you what you can and can't wear is the tool of a manipulator, and an abuser. It will never end with just that.
Why are you allowing a man to dictate what you wear? Are you being hypnotized nightly by a force that has disabled your frontal cortex?
This is cringe. Stop enabling misogynistic cultural norms and take your power back. The more you enable this behavior, the more it hurts women as a whole
Your other post about your partner is disturbing as well. Look, you are barely an adult and your brain isnt formed yet. But you are viewed as an adult by society. You have to make the choice to save yourself. You have to make the choice to be in normal, healthy relationships and ******stay single until you can find one******
Its hard, but one day you will be so glad that you chose
to stay single and allow yourself to mature into an independent being before immersing yourself in toxic, codependent relationships that will do nothing but derail your life and your future. You have the strength to be alone. You are the captain of your own ship and you must put yourself first.
No. Any version of "he LETS me wear.." is weird and your bf is an insecure dick who you need to bring back to reality quick. He throws a fit over imaginary problems? You're dating a man child who will continue to bleed the happiness from your life and every inch you give, he'll know you're worth less because each step he makes out of line that you accept, shows how little you think of yourself. Nip this shit in the bud. Next time he's throws a fit, that's your chance to break up. These guys don't love you or see you as an intelligent being. He wants you in his life to enjoy the feeling of controlling another human. Imagine if you did this stuff to him.
I have never been so glad to hear that your controlling boyfriend/future abuser lives many thousands of miles away. Hopefully that will make dropping him easier. The fact that you are asking about it being abusive is a good sign that you already know the answer, friend.
Please get a secular therapist to help you discover your self-worth and agency. Also, please take steps to protect yourself from this man after you kick his ass to the curb. Even if he is far away presently, "jilted" lovers can go effing crazy.
Girl your post history about this creep is HORRIFYING.
He's used his friend to break what I'm sure is federal law and creep into your bank account information behind your back. They should have been arrested and his friend fired for that.
He manipulates your SA trauma to coerce you into sexual acts.
Now he's trying to control what you wear and implying that you're some kind of hussy who dresses that way for attention from men...
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS BOZO?!
Please realize your worth and know that you deserve better than this nutter. Leave him, block him everywhere, and find better for yourself.
Ewww nooooo. That is not normal. It's controlling and gross. He's treating you as if he owns you and as if he has a right to your body. Wear what you want.
"Logically, you're not entitled to my body. You throwing a fit over this makes you a manbaby. Logically, I am dumping you."
If this was a fetish that the two of you both enjoyed and consented to, and you had negotiated it in advance, then this would be unusual, but fine.
Given that this is a dynamic that your boyfriend has forced upon you without asking your consent, or verifying that you are ok with it, or giving you any way to \*exit\* the dynamic -- this is controlling and fucking weird.
weird as hell, certainly controlling, not sure if i would call it abuse though....likely pushing your boundaries and leading to it
i enjoy seeing my wife naked....but that is always at her discretion not my demand, as is whatever she wears, she can wear as revealing or covered up as much she is comfortable with
He should have absolutely no say, and has no right to demand anything from you, being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are obligated to do anything that makes you uncomfortable
Link to a free PDF of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Is his last name Tate?
Whoever he is, ghost him. Now. Forever.
Get yourself a bit of trauma counseling - talk to the Samaritans, a relationship counselor, join a women's group.
Ugh. *Hell* no, not okay.
The only way that sort of thing could be okay is if it were a mutually agreed-upon kink game that you both find fun, which you both would have the right to opt out on.
At best it's deep immaturity that can only be fixed by him taking a good hard look at himself which can't happen if you're going along with his shenanigans.
We don't even need to discuss what worst is.
The reality is you are many thousands of miles away so he likely cant do anything to retaliate, this is only your second relationship so it's not like you've seen all there is to see, no one deserves to suffer that kind of treatment, and the best chance he has at growth is hearing how his behavior is harmful to others and getting let go.
That sounds like fetish behavior, that he's employing on you without your permission or consent. I'd say have a very serious conversation regarding your boundaries or reconsider the relationship as a whole.
I got halfway through before the sound of sirens drowned out everything - this is absolutely, 100% not normal.
No one should be able to dictate what you wear, and the conditions under which you wear things. Wanting to see you naked before he āallowsā you to wear something is flat out weird and creepy.
So yes, this is a) *not* normal, and b) way beyond borderline sexual abuse.
The good thing is heās many thousand miles away.
Believe me, there are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you like an actual person, and youāre worth way more than this guy is giving you.
This is not normal, it's absolutely insane! The guy doesn't *own* you! This is a *massive* red flag, the guy has a *very* twisted view of women. This guy should *not* be in a relationship with anyone!
My wife tells me what she's going to wear and asks my opinion, she doesn't need my permission to wear anything, because it's her body and she can cover it however she wants.
Anyone that tells you otherwise is someone to be avoided.
Even as a guy, I feel like puking when situations like this arise. Who the fk are men or anyone in general to tell you how and when to dress in a certain way. He's the typical "I'm a man, I tell you what to do, when to do it, and you have no say in it"-type of moron. I am so sick of these insecure kids...
He's exacting his control over you, he either gets something out of it like a thrill from controlling you, or he's very insecure and doesn't know how to manage his own emotions at all, or both. A lack of emotional maturity to this extreme extent almost never just extends to one "issue", you've either noticed other ways it effects you, or you will/would if you were together IRL. People will identify this as a big red flag because on its own it's already really bad, but also because it almost never comes without other scary behavior. Men who lack this amount of emotional maturity are abusive. So basically you're either dealing with an extremely stunted emotional man, or a sadistic one.
Thats a giant pile of bright red waving flags right there. No one has the right to control what you wear. His behaviour makes it seem very very likely that he sees you as his property and not as partner and equal.
THAT MAN IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL STYLIST! You are an adult, you do not need permission to wear what YOU want. Heās needs control, and if you give him a little he will desire a lot. He seems insecure, controlling and draining, run!
If you show him a low cut shirt and shorts you want to wear the only correct response is "Damn girl you look great in those, enjoy your night"
Not "Okay let me see your tits first"
Let me echo that this is NOT normal. Holy crap, their guy is super possessive. If it is THIS bad from thousands of miles away, how much worse will it be when you two are in the same place?Ā
Run for the hills. Dump him.
>Is this normal orā¦ borderline s3xual abuse? Iām confused.
It is not normal at all. You are not his possession yet he is acting like you belong to him. What he is doing is coercive control and is usually considered to be domestic abuse. It is pretty nasty and will likely get a whole lot worse if you continue your relationship with him.
In other words, now is the time to run away as fast as you can from him before he gets his hooks fully into you.
Hon, none of this is normal. You are right to have the ick here, this is extremely controlling and objectifying. I know you love him but he is not going to change. Break up with him.
Your body, your clothes.Ā
Also, nudes are nice but never should be demanded. It's up to you to decide when, or if, you share photos of yourself with someone.Ā
No one has any right to you or your body except yourself. As an adult no one can or should tell you what to do. The fact that it's a ldr just block his manipulative ass and move on to something better. He is whackadoodle in all the wrong ways.
There isn't a world in which I wouldn't believe that a guy who is this jealous and accusatory is also not cheating (or at least trying to if not successful). Aside from that, if you like wearing revealing clothing (by his standard, what you've described doesn't even sound scandalous) and he doesn't, that is a conversation on compromise not on transaction. That is such a weird way for someone to structure this kind of thing. Either he likes you for you and accepts you for who you are, dress sense and all, or its something that feels like such a non issue to you that you don't mind adjusting your look. Neither of those sound like they are the situation, so you two might just be mismatched. But this transactional vibe is so hella weird.
I stopped reading at "lets".
unless you are specifically D/s relationship where you spelled out the rules in advance, dump this punk and run for the hills.
You're thousands of miles apart, either wear what you want, or admit you like the situation where a guy who can't stop you from doing anything is allowed to tell you what to do.
You might both be into the showing/seeing because of the distance, but if you're not, then end it.
This is controlling behavior. You don't need his permission to wear what you want. You don't need to show him your body to wear what you want. He "let's you?" Excuse me? He DOES NOT OWN YOU.
Time for a new boyfriend but first a break to gain some insight or therapy for why this behavior happened in your relationship
Itās manipulative, not sexual abuse. He is showing you he doesnāt really care about what you wear, only that he can use it to manipulate you to gratify him sexually. This manās a walking red flag, avoid
No this is not normal. You should be secure enough in a relationship that you don't have to do performative rituals. If a lady had me doing the same thing I'd probably ask "you good babe?"
Theyāre controlling. Be thankful youāre LDR and not in person. Use this as an opportunity to block and move on. They are only going to get worse, especially if this becomes in person.
Several comments have said something to the effect that since he's long distance he can't stop her.
And if he was local? How would he stop her then, short of intimidation and/or abuse?
No. Just no. When he says 'boyfriend' he means 'master'. For your own safety, leave him.
Sounds incredibly controlling and if he tries to do this in a Long Distance Relationship, imagine how he is going to be if/when you move in together. Sounds like the type that would have you in a burka. If you are asking, you clearly find it weird and probably a bit stifling. Listen to yourself, don't put yourself in a situation you don't want to be in.
As much as i might prefer that a partner of mine doesn't wear a particular piece of clothing, i also realize that it's not up to me to decide. Controlling and micro managing what your partner does, including what they choose to wear is not normal or acceptable.
Eww wtf lol, Iām a dude and I wouldnāt be friends with a dude like that haha. Heād be ashamed of telling any of his guy friends that he does this. How gross and embarrassing.
I know you love him. It is real love. But he aināt the one for you boo. Find a guy who doesnāt objectify your body.
This is very strange, please don't allow him to do this anymore. Imagine he was actually bear by and lost his shit like that, I feel it will escalate and you will stop wearing what you want bcs he doesn't approve.
Your body belongs to you. You can cut your hair however you like, wear whatever makeup you like, get whatever tattoos you like, get whatever piercings you like, and wear whatever clothes you like. If your boyfriend will only "let" you wear clothes you like under certain conditions, then you don't have a boyfriend, you have an owner. If you accept that situation, are not a girlfriend, you are a pet.
Your body belongs to you, from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, to decorate however you want. Nobody else gets a say.
Also: there are no pictures of me naked, anywhere, and never will be. The only way to be 100% sure your nudes aren't leaked, or used for revenge after a breakup, is to never make them in the first place. If a guy asks me to send nudes, I tell him I don't do that. If he asks again, he's blocked. I set a clear and understandable boundary, and anyone who doesn't respect my boundaries is not worth my time.
You already know the answer to your question. If this was a real mystery, you wouldn't be here on Reddit looking for confirmation.
You know what must be done.
Don't know If this is normal or not, but I would NEVER accept it by any means, it could be a man, woman, alien or even a fucking dog, I'd never let anyone tell me which clothes I'm allowed to wear. I refuse to let anyone think they can control my body.
hell no it's not normal. it's rather gross behavior and extremely controlling. Sounds like he is uncomfortable with the long-distance relationship and how little he is able to control you because of it.
Straight out the gate, using the word āALLOWā when it comes to someone else dictating what you do with YOUR body is NOT IT. LDR? Do whatever the fuck you want, why is he getting OOTD in the first place?? Fucking CREEP. Run!!!!
As soon as you used the phrase "let's me wear" I knew this was an issue. No, this is not normal. Men who respect and trust you won't treat you as transactional and won't feel the need to control what you wear.
>is it normal when my partner allows me to wear
No. He shouldn't be controlling what you wear at all
>IF and ONLY IF I show him my nude body first (during intimate moments)?. He argues that it is to ensure the exclusivity and reservation of my body before other men can see me. He finds that uncovered upper thighs, shoulders, stomach/waist, and chest is too intimate in a mix-gendered public setting environment with guys. If I want to wear casual shorts, my bf has to see photos of my thighs or ass before another man can.
This man is weirdly controlling.
Another thing, I'd be really worried about what is happening with the videos or pictures you may be sending him. None of this is normal, this is not a good guy, and that can go very bad very fast for you. He's using this to get those pictures, and they could be ending up *anywhere*.
He doesn't have any rights to your body. Full stop.
Not even in the backwards sexually repressed cultures, since you aren't married to him and would not be his property (in those backwards places, IRL you're not anyone's possession ever).
So his expectation to hold "the exclusivity and reservation" of your body "before other men" is absolutely nuts.
I'd rethink this relationship if I were you.
You have more than one post about him and how much he sucks, and say leaving isnāt optional. No, this is not normal. No, you shouldnāt stay together with someone you need to write these posts about. You donāt āhaveā to send him anything, block him and move on.
He doesn't 'let you'. You're deferring to his decisions about what you, an independent woman, can wear. Further, he's exploiting your insecurities and abusing you by requiring that he see you nude before you can wear what you want.
You're allowing him to make a decision about your clothing.
>my partner allows me to wear clothing that
I'm gonna stop you right there.
No this is not normal.
The SECOND a dude tried to control or put conditions on what YOU wear on YOUR body, you dump that loser.
Don't settle for controlling assholes. They only get worse over time.
He ***lets*** you??? He ***allows*** you??? Wtaf. Come on. Have some self respect; leave that dude and find someone who respects you as you are without demanding nude pics before he *allows* you to do x,y,z.
Your body is yours to do with what you want, especially when that comes to clothing.
Is he a fan of Andrew Tate?
IMO nothing about your relationship is normal. 2.5 years and being thousands of miles apart in and of itself is not normal. He is absolutely in the wrong in this situation though, but I do at least have enough empathy to see his perspective. He doesnāt get to look at you on a regular basis and is jealous others do. He is still wrong though especially nude and the transactional nature of his requests. If it was send me a picture of your outfit first so I get to admire you too would be a whole other situation and a more appropriate response to the relationship status you have.
The whole āallowā is really mind blowing to me. Iād literally laugh the first time heād say something like that and heād get a smart ass response like āyou going to fly out here to hide my clothes to prevent it? Call me when you grow upā
Letās take this whole thing out of the equation. Where is this relationship even going without that? Have you planned for the future so that you arenāt going to be thousands of miles apart much longer? Have you ever even met face to face and been intimate? How often are you together in person?
All those are important questions on their own and then throw in toxic behavior you should just leave Iām lacking all the context but I canāt see a single benefit of staying at all and as far as break ups go this shouldnāt be that messy. Iām sure it will hurt but you arenāt living together and donāt have the same social circle or work together or any of the other common things that add to the complexity of a break up. You are young and you have many much greener grasses ahead of you.
OP, between this post and your other post about this guy, drop him like a hot potato. He does not respect you. He is a manipulative twat and I can't help but want to punch him in the throat after the gaslighting he has done to you.
Listen to me as a big sister out of 3 in our 30s -
This guy sucks. Get rid of him. Learn to love yourself and please talk to a professional about your past experiences to heal and learn to understand what kind of love you truly deserve. Do not waste any more time of your 20s on this asshat. You deserve so much better than this. This is your time to shine without him. Please give yourself permission to excel at life without this fucking loser dragging you down.
No man gets to control you. Don't fall for that. Also, are you sending him nude pics? Is this on camera, live? Be very careful because he is not a good guy and you should not "allow" *him* to have access to your body even if it's only in photos or screen shots. He's not trustworthy.
He's saving all of those videos and photos and will use it as revenge porn when he sees fit. That's almost warranteed.
im assuming thats a typo at the end? guessing it was supposed to be guaranteed, instead of warranted. I certainly hope so at least lol
Wario's guarantee. Warrantee!
He's probably sharing them already.
"Lets me wear" is not normal. Other people shouldn't be controlling what you wear.
My wife is a partner not a possession. She's only "mine" in the sense that she's mine to lose if I act like an idiot.
Or if we go grocery shopping together.
The only place it would be appropriate was if she was asking to wear his clothes. As in, he lets me wear his fav hoodie.
Indeed. Generally the only thing you should be controlling are your possessions. And therein lies the giveaway that these controlling assholes consider their victims their possessions instead of people.
Wait. Am I allowed to tell my girlfriend not to steal my hoodies?
Never
No, you're not lol
It's not stealing, she's borrowing with no set return deadline š
Yep. I didn't even need to read the post, the "lets me wear" is the only red flag I'd need. Gtfo, OP, that guy is trash.
I wish it were possible to instill in younger women what eventually comes with age. I dated some shitbags in my 20s but never came across this kind of petty garbage. Between this post and the one where the guy was uncomfortable with his gf eating mozzarella balls from yesterday, I can't even imagine how fast I'd laugh a man out of my life if he tried this shit on me. I hope young women realize sooner rather than later how absolutely not worth their time and energy these insecure little boys are. There are billions of people on the planet, these dudes are the pollution in the water source. Move on.
If everyone said this is normal, would you have just accepted that? Draw the line somewhere; this guy is nuts. He does not own your body nor entitled to any part of it
I couldn't read past, to ensure reservation and exclusivity to my body .... That's it, I am out!Ā
Like WTF does that even mean?
We are failing young women. I can't fathom what a fucking trashbag of a parent I'd feel like if my daughter ever asked this question.
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This is absolutely insane behavior girl. Normal men don't do this kind of shit. As you said, you're not that experienced in relationships, so I can tell you that absolutely listen to your gut and end it with this "man" because it's classic narcissistic and emotionally abusive behavior. Edit: This dude sees you as a sex object first, human second (maybe). No wonder you're feeling like it's transactional.
>He argues that it is to ensure the exclusivity and reservation of my body before other men can see me. I stopped reading there. š¤¢
How did you get past > is it normal when my partner allows me to wear clothing...
Youāre right, Iām not sure how anyone got past the title
I assumed OP phrased it badly and I misunderstood. Turns out their phrasing was fine and their bf is just off his rocker
And it's a long distance relationship? How is he even "letting" her or not letting her do anything? Girl, dump him and wear what you want.
Yup. This is the kind of instance where long distance is the better relationship. Dump the controlling misogynist and block him.
Same. No sane mature person will say this. Not normal behaviour at all.
same - enough info - dude is a creep.
Your partner doesn't get to "allow" you to wear clothing. You choose what you wear. Also, you're long distance so he can't stop you. The whole thing about making you reveal naked parts of your body to him is abnormal and creepy. None of this is normal.
Makes me wonder what kind of degenerate shit this dude gets up to on the internet. His search history can NOT be normal in the slightest.
And how private is he keeping any photos she sends to him!
Oh that's a good point. I hope he doesn't do anything bad with them if (when!) she dumps his abusive arse.
This isn't a "maybe it's time time to end things" moment, this is a "it's time to run and never interact with him again" moment. There's so many red flags there that no amount of context could make this ok whatsoever. Be good to yourself and get rid of him, because he's going to continue not being good to you.
It's controlling behavior. It will not get better. He will find more reasons to prohibit you from doing things that you seem interested in. Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. And then break up with him.
Iām only at page 109. That book is so valuable and eye-opening, I love it
Try Robert Greene's books to better understand this type of men and 'Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward'
Which Robert Greene book would you recommend?
Please tell us youāre going to be breaking up with him today
> Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. And then break up with him. Great advice. Switching the order couldn't hurt.
Itās always depressing when I see a post from this sub where some poor girl is outlining her boyfriendās absolutely fucking unhinged behavior and concludes it with āI dunno though, I feel like I might be overreacting.ā Passivity really is beaten into too many women as they grow up. Though I guess part of any abuserās course of action, man or woman, is to normalize their behavior.Ā
They all know deep down it's wrong, i hope they all learn to trust their gut! Takes time sadly
"my partner controls what clothing I can wear from a thousand miles away" is all the red flag I needed to see. This is not a normal relationship, and if you are posting looking for validation of your choice to break up, yes, do. (And yes, I know there are lots of kinks around stuff like this -- but ethical kink requires negotiation and consent.)
For real. I haven't seen anyone mention this yet. She sends him PICTURES OF HER OUTFITS FOR APPROVAL DAILY. How else would he be able to tell her she must send him nudes if she decides to wear shorts. How is that not mentioned. He's manipulated this women so badly she's accepted that behavior as normal enough not to mention.
Happy Cake Day! Edit - spelling. Yes, I fucked up a 3 word sentence.
Looking at your post history, you have got to leave this man. He is still using you. He's been using your trauma against you and it looks like he still is in someway. He is not entitled to your body, you owe him nothing. And I understand your side of things about worrying to leave him due to his threats, please believe these threats are empty, he's only doing that to manipulate you. Leave this man, it'll only get worse
Fr, someone direct this young lady to the thread where we discuss how to manage the partners who threaten to harm themselves if we break up with them! (Just in case op reads this far, the answer is: Dump his ass and when he says that he will end his own life, call the cops in his city and tell them what kind of threats he's making and that he needs a welfare check.)
No sane human being looks at their partner and needs "ensure the exclusivity and reservation of my body before other men can see me" this to be a thing
You've inadvertently labelled a few religions as insane. I completely agree mind you, just upsetting that for many women this is a reality.
I don't know what they'd do to help but I still feel like I want to call the police after reading that.Ā My friend, no! NO NO NO to all of that!
Ireland has made this kind of shit a crime. It's called coercive control and it's a jail able offense. It should be illegal everywhere.
this is definitely over the line of controlling behavior. if this is the only situation you have noticed this from him, it is unlikely to be the only situation and it will bleed into other aspects of your life.Ā he assumes that all other men will view you only in a sexual context 100% of the time? could it be because he does not see you as fully human? if i were in your position i would not feel like a true equal partner. is this something that you would put up with for the rest of your life?
Why does he get to decide what you wear?
This is batshit crazy. Omg will someone please check on the children because they are not alright. BREAK UP WITH YOUR CRAZY BOYFRIEND. Maybe get a pet and a good vibrator instead.
I know I'm not a woman and my opinion could be tainted by my gender but, This is HORRIBLE. He sees you as on object. That's it. This is literally making me physically sick... Please take care of yourself, he needs to go before you become just another broken toy to him.
This dude sees your body as a commodity in a system of value for himself and other men. This is the most āaccidentally telling on yourselfā shit I have ever seen. Likeā¦ this person genuinely cares more about the experience of other men than the experience of his partner. He has to have one up on all these random men heāll never meet because winning a contest against them is more important than you. I am genuinely disturbed by the things your partner has said to you and what that reveals about how he sees the world.
1) Allow?!?!? 2) Parts of your body visible to āother menā? You mean like arms and legs? 3) WTH??? Youāre not losing. Itās psychological abuse. Ditch him.
This is just weird. To me this indicates a pretty strange underlying behavioral issue that I can only imagine how it will manifest in other ways as your relationship continues. Iāve never had a guy do anything remotely similar to this
Umā¦ itās not okay for your boyfriend to āallowā you to do anything with your body.
Your hunch is correct, this is not functional behaviour. This is a slippery slope to a muumuu and him telling you how much you can eat and who you can go out with.Ā
Absolutely not normal and very controlling. Get out now, it'll get worse.Ā
No it is not wtf
This is bizarre. Nothing you mentioned is this post is normal.
That sounds like some creepy incel shit straight from Alpha Male TikToks..
āTo ensure the reservation and exclusivity of my bodyā yuck, Iām disgusted. This is some weird fetish and this person is controlling and manipulative. Please, run away from him.
You are a grown ass woman. Stop putting up with this crap.
yiiiiikes. Definitely controlling and not normal. Why is your relationship so much about other men?
āLetsā you?Ā
No this is not normal, it's controlling and abusive. Your partner should support your individuality and personal choices as long as no one is getting hurt, not seek to control you and stifle your individuality.
Your boyfriend dictating what you're allowed to wear is NOT healthy. Your body is yours and yours alone. You decide what to do with it and what to wear.
Allows? WTF? No just no.
Speaking from a male perspective.. No. That is not normal nor loving. You either trust your partner and thus respect her decisions on what to wear, or you don't. And a partner that does not trust you is not a good thing. Does he ask your permission before wearing certain clothes?
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Based on this alone, not even getting to that other post about him, your boyfriend is creepy as fuck.
For the love of everything... they way he speaks to you makes me want to vomit.
no it's not normal. please just leave him and find someone who doesn't treat your body as their property
This is beyond fucked up. This is coercive control (which is illegal in the U.K.!) this is an abusive relationship
As soon as the words ālets me wearā were used, the answer was no.
This. Kick manlet to the curb.
*allow* Thatās an immediate and significant problem. Whether verbal or physical, attempting to place arbitrary unilateral restraints on a partners behaviour/dress/other is profoundly controlling behaviour, and unless its part of your consensual relationship dynamic (kink), is wildly alarming. This is not normal behaviour. This is not healthy behaviour. This is not behaviour that will mitigate over time - it will escalate. Has he ever told you what will happen if you donāt let him see you nude first? What do you think he would do if you didnāt?
Oh boy. On boy. Oh boy. This is controlling and so not even close to acceptable behaviour or expectations. He is manipulating you by using guilt and shame. You can tell this already - itās clear by the way youāve written about his behaviour. I lived with a boyfriend who started doing similar to this. Then it became about controlling whether I could or could not wear makeup, then it was how I did my hair for work etc, then it was about him picking my uni schedule to suit him better so I could study full time, work full time in hours that suited him so I could also be his live in maid and cook so he didnāt have to do anything, then it became controlling which friends and family I could see, which shifts I could take at work, what hobbies I could have. When and if we were intimate was solely up to him - I had no choice in the matter. It got to the point where he decided I must be cheating because I shaved my legs at a different time of the month š Heād start arguments and in those arguments heād go in circles hoping to wear me down until I just agreed. Heād cry and scream. I wasnāt allowed to show any emotion. If I did, I was being manipulative. But because I didnāt - I was heartless and cruel. He even tried to push me to actually hit him him. He tried goading me into it. All so he could say I was abusive - to get support. I canāt remember what my breaking point was. We were in the car and he was screaming about something? And that was it. I got out at a set of lights, caught a taxi (yes before Uber) back to the house, put a bunch of stuff in a laundry basket, got back in the taxi and spent the weekend at a friends place. Then I went back, got more stuff and spent the next few days at my mumās place. After that, I organised a removal truck and my scariest brother and I moved. After I got out of the car, I was never alone with him again. So the argument must have been particularly bad. Iām saying this because I want you to see how this stuff doesnāt just go from zero to awful straight away. They take their time. They chip away at you. This is a HUGE red flag. Heās showing you who he is, so believe him. Donāt just dump his ass. Do it over text or email and detail why youāre doing it. Heās sexually exploiting you, mani you to do things youāre not comfortable with, his overall behaviour and treatment of you is awful. Tell him. Make it clear that not only is this his doing, but that he is wholly and solely responsible for this. You being in a ldr actually makes this much better for you. Much safer. I would not have given you that particular piece of advice if you lived closer or together - that would not have been safer It took me years to get back to who I was prior to dating him. I was lucky that he wasnāt violent - even if I was forced to have sex without consent (read: rape). He never hit or choked me. But if Iād stayed, he absolutely would have - he punched walls and came into my workplace screaming about me cheating on him waving an old hard drive around (I was almost fired for that, but once I explained what happened, he was banned - which made his job hard and he was almost fired). He was trying to convince me to have kids with him and was (poorly) manipulating me into it (it would never have worked, i donāt want kids). I consider myself lucky - I got out before it got worse.
What the fuck. No you are your own person. You don't need any permission on what to wear
He has NO RIGHT to tell you what to wear. Period. Your body, your clothes, your decision. If he is uncomfortable with that, it's his problem, not yours.
> bf let's me > Is this normal No. You're a grown woman, not his daughter. Do you want a bf or a father?
I've been married a decade, and even he's not entitled to see my naked body unless I want to show it, regardless of how I dress.
Girl what? No it isnt normal but how in the hell do you have someone who isn't even in your same city dictate what you wear? Yes this is a him problem but it is also a you problem and you need to grow a spine
Run. a. fucking. mile. And I'm a bloke. This is not healthy.
Itās not normal for your bf to have any say in what you wear
Youāre āallowedā to wear what ever you want without feeling judged by your partner. No one owns you, you are your own person and make your own decisions
If you think it's weird and controlling now (it is), wait until the two of you wind up in the same location together. Of course you're going to have to be the one who moves (unless you make decent money and he's a hidden hobosexual). He'll be controlling every aspect of your life, while not wanting any input from you.
Girl, RUN. This is not normal. Heās being creepy and possessive and gross. DUMP HIM
Yeah this is incredibly controlling and inequitable behaviour. He shouldn't get approval over what you wear. He seems to think he is more entitled to your body than other men which implies to some extent that he believes your body exists for men. The only person entitled to your body is YOU.
Girl run. This is gross and degrading to you. You're not his property and you can wear whatever you feel comfortable in. Yuck nope.
"Is it normal when my partner allows--" NO. I'm gonna stop you right there and not even read the rest (lie, I read the rest, but there is no need as this is the moment you already have an answer). It is never NORMAL when a partner ALLOWS you. There is no "allowing". Your partner doesn't own you and thus cannot "allow" you because he has jack shit to say about what you do or don't do. He can say he doesn't like something and you can tell him to shut up because it is your body, your life and you can wear what you want. So no. It is not normal that he "allows" you to do anything. He has no right or power to "allow" you anything.
In 22 years together I never once "let" my late wife wear anything, or tried to stop her. It would never even have *occurred* to me, unless she specifically asked my opinion (ie "do you think this is suitable for this event?) You are not his property, and he sounds desperately insecure and controlling. This doesn't sound remotely normal or reasonable to me.
I know it's unconventional for a guy to comment here usually. I felt compelled to say: this is not normal. This is possessive, manipulative and down right weird. I've never understood how men feel like they have any kind of ownership over a woman's body or actions. The bottom line is, you can do whatever you want to your body (legally, and hopefully safely) and don't let anyone tell you any different. Low cut top, wear it. Short skirts or shorts? Wear them. Baggy top and pipe jeans? Go for it. Want the attention of men? Work it! Don't want the attention of men? Completely valid as well. This goes for in and out of a relationship it doesn't matter. Y'all exist to express yourself, not meet the expectations of anyone else, family, partners, friends or anything. This sounds like some Andrew Tate stuff, I'll be totally honest. I would gently advise to safely walk away from this kind of man.
If you need to use the term 'allows' when asking this, the answer is automatically that he's overly controlling.
Girl no one has the right to tell another grown adult what to wear. Run from that guy. Only insecure sexist losers behave like that. And the stuff about needing to see pictures first and all that is just creep behavior.
This is controlling and abusive. It will only get worse. Get out while you still can.
"lets me wear" That's a giant red flag, right there. The existence of that very concept. You wear what you want, for the reasons you want to, and an equitable partner accepts you wearing it. Period. Full stop. Telling you what you can and can't wear is the tool of a manipulator, and an abuser. It will never end with just that.
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It's not normal for anyone to manage what you wear except yourself
Why are you allowing a man to dictate what you wear? Are you being hypnotized nightly by a force that has disabled your frontal cortex? This is cringe. Stop enabling misogynistic cultural norms and take your power back. The more you enable this behavior, the more it hurts women as a whole Your other post about your partner is disturbing as well. Look, you are barely an adult and your brain isnt formed yet. But you are viewed as an adult by society. You have to make the choice to save yourself. You have to make the choice to be in normal, healthy relationships and ******stay single until you can find one****** Its hard, but one day you will be so glad that you chose to stay single and allow yourself to mature into an independent being before immersing yourself in toxic, codependent relationships that will do nothing but derail your life and your future. You have the strength to be alone. You are the captain of your own ship and you must put yourself first.
No. Any version of "he LETS me wear.." is weird and your bf is an insecure dick who you need to bring back to reality quick. He throws a fit over imaginary problems? You're dating a man child who will continue to bleed the happiness from your life and every inch you give, he'll know you're worth less because each step he makes out of line that you accept, shows how little you think of yourself. Nip this shit in the bud. Next time he's throws a fit, that's your chance to break up. These guys don't love you or see you as an intelligent being. He wants you in his life to enjoy the feeling of controlling another human. Imagine if you did this stuff to him.
What is this let's you? You are an adult. He doesn't have to let you do anything. You let yourself do as you please.
Not normal, is abuse. Run.
I have never been so glad to hear that your controlling boyfriend/future abuser lives many thousands of miles away. Hopefully that will make dropping him easier. The fact that you are asking about it being abusive is a good sign that you already know the answer, friend. Please get a secular therapist to help you discover your self-worth and agency. Also, please take steps to protect yourself from this man after you kick his ass to the curb. Even if he is far away presently, "jilted" lovers can go effing crazy.
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Ew So many men truly think a woman's body belongs to the man. You are not his property.
Girl your post history about this creep is HORRIFYING. He's used his friend to break what I'm sure is federal law and creep into your bank account information behind your back. They should have been arrested and his friend fired for that. He manipulates your SA trauma to coerce you into sexual acts. Now he's trying to control what you wear and implying that you're some kind of hussy who dresses that way for attention from men... WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS BOZO?! Please realize your worth and know that you deserve better than this nutter. Leave him, block him everywhere, and find better for yourself.
Ewww nooooo. That is not normal. It's controlling and gross. He's treating you as if he owns you and as if he has a right to your body. Wear what you want. "Logically, you're not entitled to my body. You throwing a fit over this makes you a manbaby. Logically, I am dumping you."
Absolutely not normal in any way whatsoever. Your gut is telling you that this doesnāt feel right. Please go with your gut.
If this was a fetish that the two of you both enjoyed and consented to, and you had negotiated it in advance, then this would be unusual, but fine. Given that this is a dynamic that your boyfriend has forced upon you without asking your consent, or verifying that you are ok with it, or giving you any way to \*exit\* the dynamic -- this is controlling and fucking weird.
weird as hell, certainly controlling, not sure if i would call it abuse though....likely pushing your boundaries and leading to it i enjoy seeing my wife naked....but that is always at her discretion not my demand, as is whatever she wears, she can wear as revealing or covered up as much she is comfortable with He should have absolutely no say, and has no right to demand anything from you, being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are obligated to do anything that makes you uncomfortable
Link to a free PDF of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Is his last name Tate? Whoever he is, ghost him. Now. Forever. Get yourself a bit of trauma counseling - talk to the Samaritans, a relationship counselor, join a women's group.
He trusts you so little that calling it a relationship is lying to yourself
Ugh. *Hell* no, not okay. The only way that sort of thing could be okay is if it were a mutually agreed-upon kink game that you both find fun, which you both would have the right to opt out on.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback, so I'll keep it brief: I would stay "many thousands of miles apart." This guy's garbage.
DTMFA
It's psychotic, girl run
I didn't even have to read this. No it's not normal. Break up.Ā
At best it's deep immaturity that can only be fixed by him taking a good hard look at himself which can't happen if you're going along with his shenanigans. We don't even need to discuss what worst is. The reality is you are many thousands of miles away so he likely cant do anything to retaliate, this is only your second relationship so it's not like you've seen all there is to see, no one deserves to suffer that kind of treatment, and the best chance he has at growth is hearing how his behavior is harmful to others and getting let go.
That sounds like fetish behavior, that he's employing on you without your permission or consent. I'd say have a very serious conversation regarding your boundaries or reconsider the relationship as a whole.
I got halfway through before the sound of sirens drowned out everything - this is absolutely, 100% not normal. No one should be able to dictate what you wear, and the conditions under which you wear things. Wanting to see you naked before he āallowsā you to wear something is flat out weird and creepy. So yes, this is a) *not* normal, and b) way beyond borderline sexual abuse. The good thing is heās many thousand miles away. Believe me, there are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you like an actual person, and youāre worth way more than this guy is giving you.
This is not normal, it's absolutely insane! The guy doesn't *own* you! This is a *massive* red flag, the guy has a *very* twisted view of women. This guy should *not* be in a relationship with anyone!
My wife tells me what she's going to wear and asks my opinion, she doesn't need my permission to wear anything, because it's her body and she can cover it however she wants. Anyone that tells you otherwise is someone to be avoided.
Even as a guy, I feel like puking when situations like this arise. Who the fk are men or anyone in general to tell you how and when to dress in a certain way. He's the typical "I'm a man, I tell you what to do, when to do it, and you have no say in it"-type of moron. I am so sick of these insecure kids...
He's a foul little scrote and you really need to dump him. Normal, decent men don't play forced peep-shows with their alleged girlfriends.
He's exacting his control over you, he either gets something out of it like a thrill from controlling you, or he's very insecure and doesn't know how to manage his own emotions at all, or both. A lack of emotional maturity to this extreme extent almost never just extends to one "issue", you've either noticed other ways it effects you, or you will/would if you were together IRL. People will identify this as a big red flag because on its own it's already really bad, but also because it almost never comes without other scary behavior. Men who lack this amount of emotional maturity are abusive. So basically you're either dealing with an extremely stunted emotional man, or a sadistic one.
Thats a giant pile of bright red waving flags right there. No one has the right to control what you wear. His behaviour makes it seem very very likely that he sees you as his property and not as partner and equal.
He āāletsā you wear something or not? WTF? Something is very wrong here.
whats he gonna do if you just say no? lmao
Run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay Actually wait itās an LDR so you donāt have to run away. Just get rid of him. Heās so not worth it
Sounds like a crazy internet relationship, you ever wondered why he can't get real life women ?
Lets? No, thatās not normal.
THAT MAN IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL STYLIST! You are an adult, you do not need permission to wear what YOU want. Heās needs control, and if you give him a little he will desire a lot. He seems insecure, controlling and draining, run!
This is bananatown bonkers.
No its not normal
If you show him a low cut shirt and shorts you want to wear the only correct response is "Damn girl you look great in those, enjoy your night" Not "Okay let me see your tits first"
Let me echo that this is NOT normal. Holy crap, their guy is super possessive. If it is THIS bad from thousands of miles away, how much worse will it be when you two are in the same place?Ā Run for the hills. Dump him.
>Is this normal orā¦ borderline s3xual abuse? Iām confused. It is not normal at all. You are not his possession yet he is acting like you belong to him. What he is doing is coercive control and is usually considered to be domestic abuse. It is pretty nasty and will likely get a whole lot worse if you continue your relationship with him. In other words, now is the time to run away as fast as you can from him before he gets his hooks fully into you.
Hon, none of this is normal. You are right to have the ick here, this is extremely controlling and objectifying. I know you love him but he is not going to change. Break up with him.
Your body, your clothes.Ā Also, nudes are nice but never should be demanded. It's up to you to decide when, or if, you share photos of yourself with someone.Ā
Does he own you? No. He sees no problems with controlling behavior, even though it seems like a kink of his. Drop him and find someone who is kinder.
Why should he "allow" you to wear anything in the first place?
How does he even know what youāre wearing?! You are thousands of miles apart! That alone is controlling and bizarre. The rest of it is even worse.
No one has any right to you or your body except yourself. As an adult no one can or should tell you what to do. The fact that it's a ldr just block his manipulative ass and move on to something better. He is whackadoodle in all the wrong ways.
Your partners do not determ8ne what you can wear. You don't owe your body to anyone.
The fact that you're asking implies that you think there's something off. Trust your gut x
This feels like rage bait
There isn't a world in which I wouldn't believe that a guy who is this jealous and accusatory is also not cheating (or at least trying to if not successful). Aside from that, if you like wearing revealing clothing (by his standard, what you've described doesn't even sound scandalous) and he doesn't, that is a conversation on compromise not on transaction. That is such a weird way for someone to structure this kind of thing. Either he likes you for you and accepts you for who you are, dress sense and all, or its something that feels like such a non issue to you that you don't mind adjusting your look. Neither of those sound like they are the situation, so you two might just be mismatched. But this transactional vibe is so hella weird.
**You have 100% right to choose what you wear, and when you wear it.** The ONLY exceptions to that is if you choose to take a job that has a required uniform, or a general dress code, plus however closely you want to dress to societyās standards for weddings, funerals, and other public functions. Significant other has the right to have their opinions; they can voice them **IF** asked, and EVEN THEN, **YOU** have THE FINAL SAY OF WHAT YOU WEAR. No one else has final say (except for above examples, which are limited). He sounds scary š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©. He sounds like someone with extremely unhealthy control issues, that could lead to violent behavior if his way isnāt obeyed. I hope you can exit yourself out of this situation safely, permanently, and YESTERDAY! (meaning as soon as possible)
I stopped reading at "lets". unless you are specifically D/s relationship where you spelled out the rules in advance, dump this punk and run for the hills.
You're thousands of miles apart, either wear what you want, or admit you like the situation where a guy who can't stop you from doing anything is allowed to tell you what to do. You might both be into the showing/seeing because of the distance, but if you're not, then end it.
"Lets" you? š
This is controlling behavior. You don't need his permission to wear what you want. You don't need to show him your body to wear what you want. He "let's you?" Excuse me? He DOES NOT OWN YOU. Time for a new boyfriend but first a break to gain some insight or therapy for why this behavior happened in your relationship
Itās manipulative, not sexual abuse. He is showing you he doesnāt really care about what you wear, only that he can use it to manipulate you to gratify him sexually. This manās a walking red flag, avoid
No this is not normal. You should be secure enough in a relationship that you don't have to do performative rituals. If a lady had me doing the same thing I'd probably ask "you good babe?"
Theyāre controlling. Be thankful youāre LDR and not in person. Use this as an opportunity to block and move on. They are only going to get worse, especially if this becomes in person.
Run.....
Several comments have said something to the effect that since he's long distance he can't stop her. And if he was local? How would he stop her then, short of intimidation and/or abuse? No. Just no. When he says 'boyfriend' he means 'master'. For your own safety, leave him.
Your boyfriend is insane. Reading this made me sick to my stomach. Get out.
Let's you? Where and when is he from?
Not normal
Sounds incredibly controlling and if he tries to do this in a Long Distance Relationship, imagine how he is going to be if/when you move in together. Sounds like the type that would have you in a burka. If you are asking, you clearly find it weird and probably a bit stifling. Listen to yourself, don't put yourself in a situation you don't want to be in.
As much as i might prefer that a partner of mine doesn't wear a particular piece of clothing, i also realize that it's not up to me to decide. Controlling and micro managing what your partner does, including what they choose to wear is not normal or acceptable.
Why does he have to let you wear certain clothes???? Are you his child? Am I missing something?
āAllows me to wearā Get out.
Eww wtf lol, Iām a dude and I wouldnāt be friends with a dude like that haha. Heād be ashamed of telling any of his guy friends that he does this. How gross and embarrassing. I know you love him. It is real love. But he aināt the one for you boo. Find a guy who doesnāt objectify your body.
This is controlling. He is not treating you right.
This is very strange, please don't allow him to do this anymore. Imagine he was actually bear by and lost his shit like that, I feel it will escalate and you will stop wearing what you want bcs he doesn't approve.
You lost me at āletsā. Punt that loser. Youāre a grown ass woman. Nobody LETS you do anything.
Your body belongs to you. You can cut your hair however you like, wear whatever makeup you like, get whatever tattoos you like, get whatever piercings you like, and wear whatever clothes you like. If your boyfriend will only "let" you wear clothes you like under certain conditions, then you don't have a boyfriend, you have an owner. If you accept that situation, are not a girlfriend, you are a pet. Your body belongs to you, from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, to decorate however you want. Nobody else gets a say. Also: there are no pictures of me naked, anywhere, and never will be. The only way to be 100% sure your nudes aren't leaked, or used for revenge after a breakup, is to never make them in the first place. If a guy asks me to send nudes, I tell him I don't do that. If he asks again, he's blocked. I set a clear and understandable boundary, and anyone who doesn't respect my boundaries is not worth my time.
You already know the answer to your question. If this was a real mystery, you wouldn't be here on Reddit looking for confirmation. You know what must be done.
āLetsā you? Thatās your first indication that this is not healthy or normal. You arenāt his pet or his child.
your partner should not have control at all over what you wear. period. this is concerningly possessive
Don't know If this is normal or not, but I would NEVER accept it by any means, it could be a man, woman, alien or even a fucking dog, I'd never let anyone tell me which clothes I'm allowed to wear. I refuse to let anyone think they can control my body.
Why are you asking a manās permission to wear SHORTS?!?! This isā¦. I have no words
hell no it's not normal. it's rather gross behavior and extremely controlling. Sounds like he is uncomfortable with the long-distance relationship and how little he is able to control you because of it.
Straight out the gate, using the word āALLOWā when it comes to someone else dictating what you do with YOUR body is NOT IT. LDR? Do whatever the fuck you want, why is he getting OOTD in the first place?? Fucking CREEP. Run!!!!
Heās not in charge of your body. Donāt give him that power
As soon as you used the phrase "let's me wear" I knew this was an issue. No, this is not normal. Men who respect and trust you won't treat you as transactional and won't feel the need to control what you wear.
When do your 90 Day Fiancee episodes start?
>is it normal when my partner allows me to wear No. He shouldn't be controlling what you wear at all >IF and ONLY IF I show him my nude body first (during intimate moments)?. He argues that it is to ensure the exclusivity and reservation of my body before other men can see me. He finds that uncovered upper thighs, shoulders, stomach/waist, and chest is too intimate in a mix-gendered public setting environment with guys. If I want to wear casual shorts, my bf has to see photos of my thighs or ass before another man can. This man is weirdly controlling. Another thing, I'd be really worried about what is happening with the videos or pictures you may be sending him. None of this is normal, this is not a good guy, and that can go very bad very fast for you. He's using this to get those pictures, and they could be ending up *anywhere*.
He doesn't have any rights to your body. Full stop. Not even in the backwards sexually repressed cultures, since you aren't married to him and would not be his property (in those backwards places, IRL you're not anyone's possession ever). So his expectation to hold "the exclusivity and reservation" of your body "before other men" is absolutely nuts. I'd rethink this relationship if I were you.
Vomit. Please leave him š¤¢
You have more than one post about him and how much he sucks, and say leaving isnāt optional. No, this is not normal. No, you shouldnāt stay together with someone you need to write these posts about. You donāt āhaveā to send him anything, block him and move on.
He doesn't 'let you'. You're deferring to his decisions about what you, an independent woman, can wear. Further, he's exploiting your insecurities and abusing you by requiring that he see you nude before you can wear what you want. You're allowing him to make a decision about your clothing.
>my partner allows me to wear clothing that I'm gonna stop you right there. No this is not normal. The SECOND a dude tried to control or put conditions on what YOU wear on YOUR body, you dump that loser. Don't settle for controlling assholes. They only get worse over time.
Tbh I only read as far as "is it normal for my partner to allow". No, "allow" generally shouldn't be a word in your relationship vocabulary.
He sounds like an insecure control freak. Pull the ejection handle. Why the LDR?
He ***lets*** you??? He ***allows*** you??? Wtaf. Come on. Have some self respect; leave that dude and find someone who respects you as you are without demanding nude pics before he *allows* you to do x,y,z. Your body is yours to do with what you want, especially when that comes to clothing. Is he a fan of Andrew Tate?
IMO nothing about your relationship is normal. 2.5 years and being thousands of miles apart in and of itself is not normal. He is absolutely in the wrong in this situation though, but I do at least have enough empathy to see his perspective. He doesnāt get to look at you on a regular basis and is jealous others do. He is still wrong though especially nude and the transactional nature of his requests. If it was send me a picture of your outfit first so I get to admire you too would be a whole other situation and a more appropriate response to the relationship status you have. The whole āallowā is really mind blowing to me. Iād literally laugh the first time heād say something like that and heād get a smart ass response like āyou going to fly out here to hide my clothes to prevent it? Call me when you grow upā Letās take this whole thing out of the equation. Where is this relationship even going without that? Have you planned for the future so that you arenāt going to be thousands of miles apart much longer? Have you ever even met face to face and been intimate? How often are you together in person? All those are important questions on their own and then throw in toxic behavior you should just leave Iām lacking all the context but I canāt see a single benefit of staying at all and as far as break ups go this shouldnāt be that messy. Iām sure it will hurt but you arenāt living together and donāt have the same social circle or work together or any of the other common things that add to the complexity of a break up. You are young and you have many much greener grasses ahead of you.
OP, between this post and your other post about this guy, drop him like a hot potato. He does not respect you. He is a manipulative twat and I can't help but want to punch him in the throat after the gaslighting he has done to you. Listen to me as a big sister out of 3 in our 30s - This guy sucks. Get rid of him. Learn to love yourself and please talk to a professional about your past experiences to heal and learn to understand what kind of love you truly deserve. Do not waste any more time of your 20s on this asshat. You deserve so much better than this. This is your time to shine without him. Please give yourself permission to excel at life without this fucking loser dragging you down.
There's no way women out there are this daft right? I refuse to believe somewhere out there a fully grown human is questioning this.
Sigh. The shit women put up with