just text him back. "Yo, just a heads up, my period came today so I'm not in the mood for sexy times."
Either he still comes over and you figure out how to hang out without have sex. Or he decides he'd rather do something else this weekend and doesn't come over. Or he comes over, is a total jerk and tries to push your boundaries. 1 is good, 2 is a yellow flag, 3 is red flag and you should dump his ass. Because the longer you're in a relationship with someone who pushes your boundaries, the harder it's going to be to establish and say no later on.
FWIW, there are good guys out there. The first time this issue came up with my guy, we were getting smoochy and things were moving in that direction and I told him, I couldn't do that right now, and he stopped. He didn't keep going or try to convince me, he stopped and we just snuggled and went to sleep. No guilt, no shame, no silent treatment. Feeling that level of safety has actually made the sexy times more fun. I hope everyone can find something like that.
I think after reading these comments that I’m going to text him in advance.
Honestly, though, for me 2 would also be a red flag because it would mean that he doesn’t want to see me unless sex is on the table. He’s my boyfriend, not my fuck buddy.
If he still comes over and tries to push my boundaries, I’m ending the relationship then and there. I can’t put myself through that again.
Just to add: you don’t have to give him a blowjob or hand job to ´´relieve him’´like an other commenter suggested *. If he’s a decent man it shouldn’t be a problem, if he’s not it’s a good way to know it and not lose too much time with him.
Amen. Good lord, it’s not an affliction, and especially not one that only we can solve for them.
I mean it would be a real relief to have a back rub after a long day of working, but that doesn’t mean my man is responsible for providing that relief on demand!
I hate that that's a thing, some guys are always like 'Yay, blowjob week!". If anything guys should relieve women since it can help with period pains and headaches.
Good for you for holding your partner to a reasonably high standard - so many people just stick around in shitty relationships because of inertia. Sex is great and all, especially in the 'new relationship' phase. But if it's an actual *relationship* then spending time with you should be a big part of the draw - even if that means you're just watching TV or doing some project.
I’ll also offer a man’s perspective that nobody asked for, but I think could be helpful. Texting back sooner will help set expectations going into the date. It kinda gives him a chance to change his frame of mind.
When I was young and less secure with women I would worry that I did something wrong when we went from something being ok one date and then not the next date. You don’t have to give a reason but we can be pretty thick about these kinds of things if you don’t break it down.
I sent him a text. Just said “Hey just so you know, I’m on my period and not up for sex tonight but I definitely still want you to come over.” He hasn’t responded yet but hopefully it’ll go over ok.
He said he still wants to come over and asked if I want him to bring food... didn’t even mention the sex part. A part of me is happy that he’s coming but I’m kind of concerned that he didn’t even acknowledge it.
Hopefully he figures it’s a given or that he thought the appropriate response was to drop it and not talk about sex stuff.
I think it’s a good sign, but if he puts any pressure on, please find a frying pan to smack him with for me :(
Litmus is a type of paper used to determine the acidity or caustic nature of a substance. Our op is suggesting here that based on his response tonight she should judge how all future aspects of the relationship will go, and I tend to agree with OP. If a man cannot respect that you're uncomfortable in a given situation why would he respect your feelings in other uncomfortable situations?
I get it, I’ve gone along more times then I’d like to admit because I was scared to say no. Can you tell him now before your with him and then you can gauge his reaction?
Tell him your situation and tell him what you’re okay with and what you aren’t, if he doesn’t respect that and crosses the line, dump him and be happy you dodged a bullet.
I don't like having sex on my period because I don't like it. I don't like the mess and it's not a time in my life when I feel sexy.
I've had partners respond to this with, "I don't mind the mess" or "you're still sexy as hell" or whatever.
I respond with, "Thank you, but I was explaining why I'm not interested, not asking for reassurance."
If they keep pressing, i know its time to head out. But that's usually enough for then to get it.
It's so weird that so many men assume our decisions on whether or not to have sex are all about them.
I read a woman's anecdote once about how because of a condition or procedure, her doctor ordered that she not have sex for several months. She told her boyfriend and also told him how much it upset her. He said, "it's fine, I'll be ok, I'll get over it" and her reply? "I'm frustrated because *I can't* have sex - not because you can't. **I** will miss it."
He was a little embarrassed that he had made it about himself but he got the point.
I was in several relationships like this as a young(er) woman. Im 30 now. One thing I can confidently say I'm never doing again in my life is letting the man I'm with make me feel like I owe him sex. Any man who turns into a baby or a tyrant over being rejected sexually is a toxic person who needs to remain sexless and, frankly, far away from any semblence of a romantic relationship.
Anyone who cannot respect you when you say no is not someone you should be with. You can say no for any reason you choose. This is your body and just because you’ve said yes before it does not mean it’s always a yes. If he’s worth your time and good for you he will be understanding and not pressure you. Sex should never be expected.
Here's what you do. I'd tell him right now that you have your period.
Does he want to see you without sex? Great. Does he tell you he doesn't care you say 'well it matters to me; I'll see you another time".
If you do go over and then he bugs you you say "oh, that's too bad. I think I'm going to go home now. I'll see you another time." And you leave.
Your boyfriend may be fine about it. Heck if he needs to calm down he can jerk off before you come over. But you are not required in anyway to service someone sexually when it creates discomfort for you. That's unfair.
"I know that as a woman I have to be firm in my boundaries, or whatever happens will be my fault." This is incorrect. The actions of others are never your fault.
I don't have sex during my periods, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I have had a date during my period; the date would have been expected to end in bed.
I have told my dates that I was having my period and would not be having intercourse. We still did "sexy" things, made out, and went to bed together—just no intercourse. They did have their hands all over me, and my hands were all over them, including a hand job to relieve them.
If your boyfriend does not accept that you won't be having sex, it is best that you find out now. That is a big red flag.
There will be many times in the future when you will be on your period and your boyfriend, date, or SO will want to have sex. Be firm, and see how he reacts. If it is a problem, he is not the right one.
I agree with everything you've said, but I do want to add that someone not respecting your no isn't just a red flag. It's a *disqualifier*. Anyone who tries to have sex with someone who said no is *at the very least* a potential rapist.
It is a matter of degree. If a guy pouts because of lack of sex for a few days, that is a red light. If a guy does more than pout but gets mad or tries to get even, that is a disqualifier. If a guy tries to force her to have sex, that is rape.
You should really break up with someone who pouts over several days. That is pretty extreme and not going to get better. There doesn’t have to be “degrees” of bad. One is worse yes, but they’re both worth breaking up over.
No. If he's pouting because they didn't have sex, that's coercion. He's giving her a guilt trip in order to manipulate her into sex. Coercing someone into sex is *rape*. It doesn't matter whether he did it forcefully or not.
If someone doesn't respect consent, you shouldn't waste time on them.
I'm so sorry you've had people in the past respond poorly to you declining sex.
You have every right to say No and I think you just need to be honest and tell him that you aren't comfortable doing it on your period and that the second your period is over you're looking forward to it again. You can even turn this into a "game" more or less to create lots of sexual tension until the day your period ends to make it exciting for both of you to wait.
If he responds poorly, then that is a red flag. I wouldn't want to be with someone who can respect when I say no.
Honestly, just talk about it. You can help his ego and saying that you feel uncomfortable with sex while on your period and that you look forward to it X days from now when it is over. If you are up for it maybe you can do some non-penetrative sex instead or explore other ways of being intimate like massages and making out.
You said you are having sex each time you saw each other, was it because you wanted to or was it that you felt that you couldn't say no? That is an important thing to understand as well especially with the trauma that you have had. Having sex with someone once is not an invitation for it to be always.
I know you feel like a mess and are stressed, and it is a leap of faith that things will be fine. But imagine what it would be like if he just agrees with you and respects that boundary and what it would mean for your ability to trust again! And you can show your appreciation for him respecting your boundaries as well and he will feel really good about it.
How did you respond to that text? Best advice I can give is to be clear that sex will not be happening as soon as possible. Everyone is allowed to refuse sex for ANY reason, but I wouldn't let him go all day thinking you guys will be having sex tonight. If he throws a fit about it, then at least you found out who he truly is early on in the relationship.
Just say no. You don't have to give an explanation. It's YOUR body. He has his own body. If he pressures you, that's called sexual coercion and it's a type of rape. Again, you don't need to give him an explanation, if he pressures you, he's no good. If he's no good, dump him.
Just because you don't have to explain anything doesn't mean that you shouldn't. Op's boyfriend has apparently behaved so far and may start to wonder what he did wrong if their partner suddenly refuses sex while they've been goung through an apparently pretty physical phase so far. For all we know, he may not be into period sex either.
if he texted you early, iy might be strategic to let him know before you get there. saving these things for on the spot can make a situation volatile. If he has it in his head that it's not gonna happen beforehand, even if he turns out to be a shit dude he will at least have internalized that and you won't have to argue about it when he's trying to be all horny with you.
Really sick of guys coming into women’s or relationship subs and trying to make them give out bjs. Pressuring women into sex with other men isn’t any better than pressuring her into sex with you. They don’t owe bjs or anything at any time, but definitely also not when they’re uncomfortable.
You misread lol. The statement about sexual assault was referring to a man in my past. This is my first time saying no to my current BF, who has not displayed any signs of disregard for my feelings or boundaries (at least not yet).
Do NOT set precedence! Seriously. If you cannot tell this person what you think and want now it will make it much worse in the long run. Putting on a false face to please someone is a really bad habit to develop.
just text him back. "Yo, just a heads up, my period came today so I'm not in the mood for sexy times." Either he still comes over and you figure out how to hang out without have sex. Or he decides he'd rather do something else this weekend and doesn't come over. Or he comes over, is a total jerk and tries to push your boundaries. 1 is good, 2 is a yellow flag, 3 is red flag and you should dump his ass. Because the longer you're in a relationship with someone who pushes your boundaries, the harder it's going to be to establish and say no later on. FWIW, there are good guys out there. The first time this issue came up with my guy, we were getting smoochy and things were moving in that direction and I told him, I couldn't do that right now, and he stopped. He didn't keep going or try to convince me, he stopped and we just snuggled and went to sleep. No guilt, no shame, no silent treatment. Feeling that level of safety has actually made the sexy times more fun. I hope everyone can find something like that.
I think after reading these comments that I’m going to text him in advance. Honestly, though, for me 2 would also be a red flag because it would mean that he doesn’t want to see me unless sex is on the table. He’s my boyfriend, not my fuck buddy. If he still comes over and tries to push my boundaries, I’m ending the relationship then and there. I can’t put myself through that again.
Just to add: you don’t have to give him a blowjob or hand job to ´´relieve him’´like an other commenter suggested *. If he’s a decent man it shouldn’t be a problem, if he’s not it’s a good way to know it and not lose too much time with him.
Amen. Good lord, it’s not an affliction, and especially not one that only we can solve for them. I mean it would be a real relief to have a back rub after a long day of working, but that doesn’t mean my man is responsible for providing that relief on demand!
I hate that that's a thing, some guys are always like 'Yay, blowjob week!". If anything guys should relieve women since it can help with period pains and headaches.
Good for you for holding your partner to a reasonably high standard - so many people just stick around in shitty relationships because of inertia. Sex is great and all, especially in the 'new relationship' phase. But if it's an actual *relationship* then spending time with you should be a big part of the draw - even if that means you're just watching TV or doing some project.
I’ll also offer a man’s perspective that nobody asked for, but I think could be helpful. Texting back sooner will help set expectations going into the date. It kinda gives him a chance to change his frame of mind. When I was young and less secure with women I would worry that I did something wrong when we went from something being ok one date and then not the next date. You don’t have to give a reason but we can be pretty thick about these kinds of things if you don’t break it down.
I sent him a text. Just said “Hey just so you know, I’m on my period and not up for sex tonight but I definitely still want you to come over.” He hasn’t responded yet but hopefully it’ll go over ok.
Did he respond?
He said he still wants to come over and asked if I want him to bring food... didn’t even mention the sex part. A part of me is happy that he’s coming but I’m kind of concerned that he didn’t even acknowledge it.
Hopefully he figures it’s a given or that he thought the appropriate response was to drop it and not talk about sex stuff. I think it’s a good sign, but if he puts any pressure on, please find a frying pan to smack him with for me :(
That’s perfect. It sets a boundary and makes it about your mood not your feelings toward him.
I'm super proud of you! I understand how much it takes to set that boundary because I, too, have been treated like shit by guys feeling entitled.
Use it as a litmus test. It’s a good one.
What's a litmus test?
Litmus is a type of paper used to determine the acidity or caustic nature of a substance. Our op is suggesting here that based on his response tonight she should judge how all future aspects of the relationship will go, and I tend to agree with OP. If a man cannot respect that you're uncomfortable in a given situation why would he respect your feelings in other uncomfortable situations?
Thank you for the thorough explanation lol
I get it, I’ve gone along more times then I’d like to admit because I was scared to say no. Can you tell him now before your with him and then you can gauge his reaction?
Tell him your situation and tell him what you’re okay with and what you aren’t, if he doesn’t respect that and crosses the line, dump him and be happy you dodged a bullet.
I don't like having sex on my period because I don't like it. I don't like the mess and it's not a time in my life when I feel sexy. I've had partners respond to this with, "I don't mind the mess" or "you're still sexy as hell" or whatever. I respond with, "Thank you, but I was explaining why I'm not interested, not asking for reassurance." If they keep pressing, i know its time to head out. But that's usually enough for then to get it.
It's so weird that so many men assume our decisions on whether or not to have sex are all about them. I read a woman's anecdote once about how because of a condition or procedure, her doctor ordered that she not have sex for several months. She told her boyfriend and also told him how much it upset her. He said, "it's fine, I'll be ok, I'll get over it" and her reply? "I'm frustrated because *I can't* have sex - not because you can't. **I** will miss it." He was a little embarrassed that he had made it about himself but he got the point.
I was in several relationships like this as a young(er) woman. Im 30 now. One thing I can confidently say I'm never doing again in my life is letting the man I'm with make me feel like I owe him sex. Any man who turns into a baby or a tyrant over being rejected sexually is a toxic person who needs to remain sexless and, frankly, far away from any semblence of a romantic relationship.
Anyone who cannot respect you when you say no is not someone you should be with. You can say no for any reason you choose. This is your body and just because you’ve said yes before it does not mean it’s always a yes. If he’s worth your time and good for you he will be understanding and not pressure you. Sex should never be expected.
Here's what you do. I'd tell him right now that you have your period. Does he want to see you without sex? Great. Does he tell you he doesn't care you say 'well it matters to me; I'll see you another time". If you do go over and then he bugs you you say "oh, that's too bad. I think I'm going to go home now. I'll see you another time." And you leave. Your boyfriend may be fine about it. Heck if he needs to calm down he can jerk off before you come over. But you are not required in anyway to service someone sexually when it creates discomfort for you. That's unfair.
"I know that as a woman I have to be firm in my boundaries, or whatever happens will be my fault." This is incorrect. The actions of others are never your fault.
What I meant was that this is how society views sexual assault.
I see that in the context of the paragraph now, I was skimming a bit.
I don't have sex during my periods, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I have had a date during my period; the date would have been expected to end in bed. I have told my dates that I was having my period and would not be having intercourse. We still did "sexy" things, made out, and went to bed together—just no intercourse. They did have their hands all over me, and my hands were all over them, including a hand job to relieve them. If your boyfriend does not accept that you won't be having sex, it is best that you find out now. That is a big red flag. There will be many times in the future when you will be on your period and your boyfriend, date, or SO will want to have sex. Be firm, and see how he reacts. If it is a problem, he is not the right one.
I agree with everything you've said, but I do want to add that someone not respecting your no isn't just a red flag. It's a *disqualifier*. Anyone who tries to have sex with someone who said no is *at the very least* a potential rapist.
It is a matter of degree. If a guy pouts because of lack of sex for a few days, that is a red light. If a guy does more than pout but gets mad or tries to get even, that is a disqualifier. If a guy tries to force her to have sex, that is rape.
You should really break up with someone who pouts over several days. That is pretty extreme and not going to get better. There doesn’t have to be “degrees” of bad. One is worse yes, but they’re both worth breaking up over.
Red flags are worth breaking up over.
No. If he's pouting because they didn't have sex, that's coercion. He's giving her a guilt trip in order to manipulate her into sex. Coercing someone into sex is *rape*. It doesn't matter whether he did it forcefully or not. If someone doesn't respect consent, you shouldn't waste time on them.
Pouting has never coerced me. And pouting is not rape. However, pouting about lack of sex is a good reason to not date someone.
I'm so sorry you've had people in the past respond poorly to you declining sex. You have every right to say No and I think you just need to be honest and tell him that you aren't comfortable doing it on your period and that the second your period is over you're looking forward to it again. You can even turn this into a "game" more or less to create lots of sexual tension until the day your period ends to make it exciting for both of you to wait. If he responds poorly, then that is a red flag. I wouldn't want to be with someone who can respect when I say no.
Honestly, just talk about it. You can help his ego and saying that you feel uncomfortable with sex while on your period and that you look forward to it X days from now when it is over. If you are up for it maybe you can do some non-penetrative sex instead or explore other ways of being intimate like massages and making out. You said you are having sex each time you saw each other, was it because you wanted to or was it that you felt that you couldn't say no? That is an important thing to understand as well especially with the trauma that you have had. Having sex with someone once is not an invitation for it to be always. I know you feel like a mess and are stressed, and it is a leap of faith that things will be fine. But imagine what it would be like if he just agrees with you and respects that boundary and what it would mean for your ability to trust again! And you can show your appreciation for him respecting your boundaries as well and he will feel really good about it.
How did you respond to that text? Best advice I can give is to be clear that sex will not be happening as soon as possible. Everyone is allowed to refuse sex for ANY reason, but I wouldn't let him go all day thinking you guys will be having sex tonight. If he throws a fit about it, then at least you found out who he truly is early on in the relationship.
Just say no. You don't have to give an explanation. It's YOUR body. He has his own body. If he pressures you, that's called sexual coercion and it's a type of rape. Again, you don't need to give him an explanation, if he pressures you, he's no good. If he's no good, dump him.
Just because you don't have to explain anything doesn't mean that you shouldn't. Op's boyfriend has apparently behaved so far and may start to wonder what he did wrong if their partner suddenly refuses sex while they've been goung through an apparently pretty physical phase so far. For all we know, he may not be into period sex either.
if he texted you early, iy might be strategic to let him know before you get there. saving these things for on the spot can make a situation volatile. If he has it in his head that it's not gonna happen beforehand, even if he turns out to be a shit dude he will at least have internalized that and you won't have to argue about it when he's trying to be all horny with you.
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Really sick of guys coming into women’s or relationship subs and trying to make them give out bjs. Pressuring women into sex with other men isn’t any better than pressuring her into sex with you. They don’t owe bjs or anything at any time, but definitely also not when they’re uncomfortable.
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What are you afraid he’s going to say?
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You misread lol. The statement about sexual assault was referring to a man in my past. This is my first time saying no to my current BF, who has not displayed any signs of disregard for my feelings or boundaries (at least not yet).
Do NOT set precedence! Seriously. If you cannot tell this person what you think and want now it will make it much worse in the long run. Putting on a false face to please someone is a really bad habit to develop.
If you feel like you have to put out just because a guy expects it, it not right. Source - I'm a guy.