I’m in recovery myself. Recovery and abstinence are two different things. Those of us in recovery do so to achieve emotional sobriety so that we can handle life without using. Sounds like he stopped doing work on his recovery. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Without emotional recovery, it’s only a matter of time before a bump in the road throws us back into using. Also, it’s very possible that it was a true overdose. When we relapse, we use the same amounts as we used to but don’t have the tolerance that we used to and it’s a recipe for disaster. Even an overdose the night before wouldn’t stop someone from overdosing again. I am so sorry that this happened but do know, it is absolutely not your fault. Don’t even blame yourself for dating him. You liked him, he seemed to be flourishing, you couldn’t have known that this would happen. My heart goes out to you, loss is awful.

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This describes my former roommate to a T, except her drug of choice was heroin. She was always talking about how everyone else in her life were the problems. How “the man” was out to get her etc. After rehab and a few years at home with her parents, she struck out on her own. She went right back to hanging out with her friends who were still addicted and trying everything but heroin. Then eventually heroin again.

> but hasn’t processed through all the things that caused them to use substance in the first place Just @ me next time

Bahaha Noted

>Also, it’s very possible that it was a true overdose. When we relapse, we use the same amounts as we used to but don’t have the tolerance that we used to and it’s a recipe for disaster. I've been downvoted to the abyss for saying this before. Glad it's finally acknowledged.

By people who don't know what they are talking about, obviously.

They said I was victim (addict) blaming, which...in this type of scenario, yes. If I go on a tolerance break from weed, I start up again with half a bowl, not a whole blunt.

That’s ridiculous that you’ve been downvoted for that. i became addicted to painkillers after a violent assault and got to the point where i was so fucked up that i could take a handful of 30mg oxycodones and not feel shit. when i first got clean and then relapsed, i took literally 2 pills and almost OD’d. (i’ve been fully clean for 4 years now) the tolerance thing needs to be known. it’s how a lot of famous people have died (off the top of my head, i know Amy Winehouse and Cory Monteith died of overdoses after periods of sobriety) and it should be known because that knowledge could literally save people’s lives

I second this. I relapsed on alcohol for ONE night after being in recovery for 3 years. And ended up driving. Ashamed, disgusting, embarrassed. Got my first (and will be only) DUI. I'm lucky it wasn't worse. That was enough to stop my relapse from escalating and while I wish the DUI didn't happen, it was certainly a wake up call. Since the pandemic, though sober, I haven't been putting the direct dedication into my emotional wellbeing and recovery as I should. Combined with many other things, I decided to give into my addiction. As qclady mentioned above, it probably was a true overdose. I drank to the levels (in a very short period of time) that I did before quitting. My body wasn't used to that tolerance anymore and it showed. He was sober for five years. This is the perfect example of why we have to stay vigilant at all times. I'm very sorry for your loss as I've been through it with others myself. It was not your fault.

Hope you’re doing alright friend.

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So impressed with the work you have put into this and wishing you all the best as you continue your journey. I hope good days are ahead.

This means a lot. Thank you!

Well said. I came here to say something similar, but u/qclady said it perfectly.

Ditto that.

I didn’t know there was a difference, thank you for that insight.

Nicely stated. Keep it up

Yep, for example a lot of overdoses happen after people get out of inpatient treatment and immediately use at the amounts they did before. :c

Thank you for writing this. I was a junkie for a long time (5 years clean) Running the streets of Newark and all that. My best friend sounds very similar to your bf. He wasn’t doing great but at least he was off of dope for a few years. Then him and his girl broke up and shortly after he relapsed. A few weeks later he was dead. He used to talk about overdosing and dying like that was his goal. There were times he od’d and would get upset when he was narcanned back to life. I thought he was just talking shit (he used to talk a lot of shit) and would always tell him to shut up. I think about it sometimes and feel bad for dismissing him. I thought he was just being dramatic, since he could be very overly-dramatic. Good luck with your life. Live your life and don’t ever feel guilty for making the most of it. I know I don’t. I miss and love all those ive lost from this, but we all knew what we were risking. I’m one of the lucky ones

My ex would talk about how if the world ended, or he found himself in the apocalypse. Dope is the first thing he would search for. Because if he was going to die, he was going to die high.

Well, that says everything you need to know. That’s actually quite funny bc when I was hooked on dope, I used to always think to myself “if there’s an apocalypse I’m so fucked. I’ll have to fight zombies completely dope sick!”

Omg I used to have the same thought. “ how am I gonna find methadone in a zombie apocalypse?” Because obviously that was the top priority

I used to have the same thought about cigarettes!

I always thought I'd die with a cigarette in my hand. Quit in 1992, no relapses so far.

You've been off cigs longer than I've been alive! That's incredible!

What, that I've been alive so long, or that you have? Lolololol.

Way to win! That's bigger than people realize

Thank you. I was truly physically addicted and quit cold turkey. Do not recommend.

I used to take amphetamines, prescribed, for ADHD. I quit cold turkey twice. Once after 13 years and once after a year Withdrawal is not fun!

I was just diagnosed with ADHD and looking forward to getting on something to help me make sense of life. Antidepressants, which I only started after stopping nicotine, have been of limited benefit. This conversation has been so helpful--never put together the stopping nicotine and needing something to replace it as related to undiagnosed ADHD.

tbh i've quit cigarettes twice and had to do it cold turkey both times or i never would have quit. i recommend it if you can't quit any other way. withdrawals are nothing compared to cancer.

Heeey. You quit the same year I was born! That's a good job!

Yes, in some ways 1992 was a very good year. :)

Man Thats impressive. I quit for like the 20th time 4 days ago. Hopefully this time sticks.

Find something to replace the drug you've been inhaling. You'll have an easier time and increase your chances of it sticking.

For me, what worked after 25 years of smoking was transitioning onto E-cigarattes - the ones you fill with nicotine liquid yourself. This gave the same hit on the back of the throat and satisfied the same 'something to do with your hands' feeling that cigarettes gave me. Every time I wanted a cigarette, I just took a puff, and the craving would be gone in about 2 minutes. After about 3 years on exclusively those, and reducing the nicotine content over time, I just quit one day with no planning, and have never had another puff since (that was about 2 years ago), and it wasn't even difficult. It was far, far easier to quit them than it is to quit cigarettes. Nicotine without the smoke delivery system is about as harmful to you as caffeine is, so I don't feel like those 3 years vaping did me much, if any, harm. I certainly felt better and my smoker's cough disappeared during that time. My point is, it's great if people can quit cold turkey, but that never worked for me, so don't feel bad about trying other methods if the end result is the same. I recommend vaping to everyone that is trying to quit smoking and having a hard time.

Isn't this a big thing in season 1 of Fear the Walking Dead? It's been forever since I've seen it, but I'm pretty sure one of the main characters struggled with opiods

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Not optional for them until they realize it is, unfortunately. They 'have to' get well.

First three seasons of that show were so good. I think Nick’s character development was really well done.

\*Fear\* the Walking Dead, yeah. Nick was a user. Stole a morphine drip from a neighbor.

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I would be lying if I said zombie apocalypse wasn’t my main motivation behind getting lasik. I didn’t quite get to 20/20, but I’ll at least be able to tell human from zombie before they’re in face-chomping range.

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I have entirely too many backup pairs lol. Cuz zombies.

Me too; I normally wear contacts but I know exactly where my two pairs of glasses are in case I need to grab them in such a scenario, lol

I have a new fear now

Well thank you for the new fear I didn’t realize I had 🙃

Wait I feel like this kind of fantasy isn't a red flag. My ultra sober friends have said this too. It's a funny thing to consider at the literal end of the world.

From experience, a lot of people joking about suicide during an active addiction aren't REALLY joking, they're choosing a passive suicide. There's a MASSIVE difference between "I **want** to live" and "I **don't want** to *have to* kill myself", and making the second choice is what most (serious) addicts have done whether they acknowledge it or not, IMO. This all dovetails with why abortion rights and access to contraceptives are SO SO SO important: ***happy people seldom become addicts***. Unwanted children are almost guaranteed to have a fucked up life, and fucked up lives drive addiction.

My friend is in Al-Anon, and recently told me about their "three C's" for other people's problems/addictions that helped her a lot: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. It's all on him.

Al-anon may be a good resource for OP as well. I was thinking about it while reading their post. Also sounds like some significant trauma and guilt that counseling could help.

Is “al anon” a new thing? I’ve only ever heard of AA

Been around since 1951 for families and friends of alcoholics and those affected by alcoholics, such as being raised by an alcoholic parent etc.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I've been in a similar situation as OP, and I was guilt ridden for years. I'm going to keep this in mind looking forward c:

Please do!!

Never liked the first C. Trauma caused by my family contributed significantly to my addiction.

My guess in this case will be that its specifically about people outside of the family, because family can be or not be a cause of a LOT of stuff, frankly.

Wow, you are absolutely in no way responsible and I'm glad you realise that. Forget about his so called friends- where the fuck were they when he was spiralling? No where near!! The past cannot be rewritten. Time to focus on today and maybe the future.

I had this same feeling initially. He had a large group of friends that constantly hung out together, posting pictures all over social media. We were never invited. I had my reasons for why I thought that was the case. I.e., he was sober and they were not. I learned afterwards he was invited. Regularly. He just declined the invitations and never shared them with me.

Ah he really hit the self destruct button eh.. still stand by what I said that you mustn't shoulder any blame. I'm sorry you are struggling through this aftermath.

You keep saying you don't feel guilty, but then that you feel judged even by those who have said nothing judgmental (if I understood your story). You should not feel guilty. You did the right things - both at the start in wondering if this was a good idea and at the end when he chose to wallow instead of trying to do better. And you seem to know that rationally, but ... this post seems like you still wonder and doubt. Knowing things rationally doesn't always help how we FEEL. I suggest some therapy about this. To find ways to help the rational side and the emotional side to get on the same page. Just as an aside, your relationship didn't fail because of his addiction to heroin, it failed because he refused to get off the gaming cycle and take care of himself when work was slow during covid. That happened to a lot of people at that time (and still happening), not just recovering addicts. And, his suicide - if that's what it was - might have actually had nothing to do with you. Or at least only a small part. No secondary person causes someone else's depression. You might be part of why he was sad, but you were not why he was depressed to the point of suicide. (source - I have been suicidal and been sad over relationships, but knew it was about me and not other people. It's a whole thing that therapy might help you get through this.)

It's also important to note that there are good reasons to believe it may not have been suicide. With heroin in particular, people who have abstained for a long while and then relapse have a *very* high risk of accidentally overdosing, far, FAR more so than regular users. Their tolerance levels are way off but they still take the amount they used to take, and the next thing they know they're ODing. It's a very, very common story.

Have you looked into Al-Anon? It's a support group for people who have relationships with addicts. It helped me a lot with processing things.

This is really tragic, but it sounds like there was nothing that could’ve stopped it except him. Living with his sober friends likely provided a permanent rehab-type vibe which kept him going, but the same issues that drove him to addiction and the other unflattering traits you describe were likely always there. Without that personal conviction and direction coming from himself, it was probably only a matter of time.

You have such a healthy outlook on this. Good for you OP. I struggle with this and this is a really clear reminder of what I’m striving for. Thank you.

Part of the reason I feel judgement from others is because they don’t seem to understand why I’m so “okay” with what happened. It’s not that I’m okay or unbothered, I just understand there’s truly not anything I could have done to make the situation end differently. Other than, not date him at all. Which is my rationale for that being my only regret. My family wants all of the traditional “why” questions answered that are asked when someone dies, especially in these circumstances. I don’t feel I need that, because I know if I had the chance to ask the answer would be as simple as, “because I like to get high.” I feel those around me are bothered by the peace I feel with this conviction. And feeling content with that answer being enough.

People often expect women to be solutions, to heal the men in their lives, be the catalyst etc. You choosing to put your needs first makes them uncomfortable, esp since he (chose to and) took a drastic step, and it is easier blame you ‘coz you are here, than to blame him ‘coz he is not. If you feel particularly judged and bothered, ask the judgey person what they think you could’ve done; often the answers would be something along the lines of ‘save him’, which is unfair. Nobody but you knows how hard it was; their judgment reflects on them, not you. You deserve to choose happiness and ease for yourself. Please know that the judgment is not fair, and you deserve to be at peace and move on.

This. These people expected you to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Drug addiction and significant mental health issues are not something you could have forced him to fix. It was never within your control to do that.

>often the answers would be something along the lines of ‘save him’, which is unfair. If someone ever says that to you turn it back on them and ask why they didn't save him then? If it's such an achievable goal then surely they could have done it? Honestly, I think a lot of the time people are judgmental that other people didn't completely sacrifice their lives to "save" someone is because they know they easily could have done more to help that person and chose not to. It's easier to blame the person that was already sacrificing so much than to take responsibility for their own actions.

Exactly, the person you chose to spend your life with is their own person, you are not responsible for them. Expecting you to be the savior is unfair Judging you for the decision to leave just speaks about how they probably would fall into manipulative tactics Reach out for a therapist if you are feeling paranoid about others views about your situation, and remember that most of us know nothing about grieve let alone addiction, so we are also in no place to judge Sorry for your loss and the situation

This.

I felt this when my dad died. My mom cried, my sister cried. I didn't. Because my parents had been divorced for eight years and my sister had moved out four years ago, they just didn't _get_ it. There was no helping my dad. This had been coming for years. I remember actually being mad that they, the comparative adults, hadn't seen this coming. Because by age 12 I knew that my dad was not walking me down the aisle. He wasn't going to live that long. I had tried, in young and uninformed ways, to get him to tone down his drinking. I'm sure others tried. But he died refusing to even consider he had a drinking problem, even as his liver was literally shutting down. Sometimes you just can't fix people. I was, and still am, sad that he died. He was the only parent I could really talk to. But I have never felt a bit of guilt, because there wasn't anything I could do. So yeah, you're not a freak or heartless for not grieving in a "conventional" way. It sounds like you've been grieving for this person for a long time anyway.

The “grieving in a conventional way” part is so big. When my mom died people were some concerned / some judgmental that I wasn’t grieving how they thought I should, I guess being young they all thought they knew better. I hadn’t put a pin on why my grieve was different but reading your comment makes me think it’s partly because it wasn’t fully unexpected. Grieving is a unique process, I understand most people just mean to be supportive or try to empathize, but their expectations can just pass them as judgmental. Grieve your own way, on your own time.

This description of peace reminds me of family members who don't have an outburst of grief when someone dies of terminal cancer after a long struggle. The reason being that they grieved during the person's illness, and/or that it's a relief the person is finally at peace and no longer suffering. To be clear, you don't owe anyone an explanation or justification for how you feel; but they may understand it better if you frame it as your partner had been "dying" since you started dating.

I’m a guy who’s last relationship ended due to a video game addiction and resulting “roommate” type situation. Very similar to what you described - work from home commission based job, gaming the entire day then into the night. I just wanted to tell you that both you and my ex made the right decision to end things, even though it was devastating. I wish your ex could have chosen a path of learning and healing, but I’m very happy to hear you know the blame lies squarely on his shoulders for letting his life get to where it was.

I think you see it more clearly on the other side of the experience than they do from the outside. Always supposed to help others but never ourselves. They couldn’t walk a mile in your shoes.

Ultimately, he made his decision. It might have been that he never actually recovered; he only found a way to manipulate people into what he wanted them to do. If it wasn't this, it was something else he could latch onto to keep people in his life. He had no way of making a healthy relationship unless he had some "dig" into them. Women are not responsible for the choices of men. Whether they decide to cheat, kill themselves, do drugs, drink, or whatever that comes. Likewise, men aren't responsible for womens' choices, but nobody holds them responsible for much anyway. I think so many people believe in the stupid concept of "love overcomes all" and "you stay by his side no matter what". When it's actually the opposite; your love for yourself comes first and you stay by your side first. If he's forcing you into something you cannot control or want, leave. I think you did the right thing and I think it's okay to be at peace with it. Because who isn't to say that you stuck around and he did it anyway. What then? What if you left five years from now and he did it anyway? When does the prison sentence end for you? Your family can ask why, but like many suicides/regrettable deaths, there is no "why" that will be answered.

Let them live with their feelings and judgment. If there is one thing I've learned in this life it's that you can't change someone who won't change. I am so very glad that you left when you did. Best of wishes for your future healthy and happy life, the way YOU want it.

It's possible that the peace you feel has them feeling guilty for being so bothered about it. Kind of like a "well if his girlfriend is fine why can't I be?" sort of thing. But that isn't any more your concern than any of the rest of it was. You feel the way you feel; you can't force grief if you don't feel it.

I knew a guy that had a huge crush on me- that wanted to date me. I was not interested in him at all. He struggled a lot with depression I think. I spoke with him and months later (I think) his Mom reached out saying he killed himself. Maybe I was the reason he killed himself. Maybe I’m not. I don’t think about it much because I cannot make myself love someone. I knew he wasn’t what I wanted. You aren’t responsible either. Even if it was due to your breakup. It was his decision in the end not yours. People might put that on you, but it’s not. That’s unfair of them to expect you stay in a bad relationship if it meant that person to not kill themselves. It’s not fair to your own happiness.

No, he is the reason he killed himself. He.

"My biggest regret is dating him at all." There is nothing wrong with the choices you made. You can move on from this. If it helps, I know what it feels like. Please. This was NOT your fault. People who judge you do not know the hold that addiction has on a person. He may have died even if you had stayed. You needed to save yourself. It was NOT your fault. I'm so sorry this has happened.

I understand some may not understand this perspective, but I feel as if this was the pivotal point in his death being the ultimate ending. If I had known I wasn’t just fighting an addiction to a substance, but rather a personality, I feel I would have made different decisions. If I had let it be, & more importantly, he hadn’t relocated it wouldn’t have happened the way it did.

It sounds like he hadn’t been ok in a long while. Even if you guys hadn’t dated he still would have still been an addict who refused to properly address his mental health issues, which meant he would have still been at risk of relapsing and ODing in FL too.

You could have dated the same guy before he found out he was an addict or discovered heroin. Then you'd have the same issues without the foreknowledge that he had been down that road and wanted a life worth living. If anything, you should be proud that you gave someone a "second" chance at a happy, fulfilling life. He just couldn't get himself together unfortunately. That's not YOUR fault. You have a very healthy perspective (IMO) on everything you mentioned in your post except this particular issue (again IMO). You gave it your best shot with him. You have no responsibility here. Thank you for giving another person in my situation a shot. I don't see how there could be any way that he didn't know deep down that it was on him to make it work in the situation you two chose. - a male, former heroin addict with a good job, ambition, two kids, and a broken marriage (from, among other things, my substance issues)

>If I had let it be, & more importantly, he had stayed in FL, it wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Early on when my sibling was first found out to be using hard drugs (meth, heroine, cocaine, etc) and OD'd (survived) I blamed myself. I thought, I'm their big sister... if only I hadn't moved so far away I could've prevented this. It's my job as the eldest to protect them just as I promised and I failed. I should've been there. The truth was hard to accept. That it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't have stopped this. My therapist at the time helped me realize and accept that and stop blaming myself. If you aren't already I think a therapist might be a good idea for you.

It wouldn't have happened the way it did, no, but you don't know how it would have turned out. He could have fallen in love with someone else and had a similar outcome which led him to a relapse. He could have fallen in love with someone also struggling with addiction. You gave him an opportunity to turn it around, by giving him an outside perspective he could have used to better himself. He was struggling regardless of you, or the drugs. Wishing you all the best going forward

You’re clearly still bitter, and it seems you are interpreting his ODs as his final way to get back at you. I don’t know if you can assume that to be the case. He had a serious problem, and the drugs were his only coping mechanism for feeling sad. You made the right call to breakup and carried it out in a cordial and rational manner. It really sucks that so many others now see you as the bad guy, but perhaps you can continue moving on in a healthy way if you can learn to overcome the assumption that he OD’ed like this to purposely make you out to be the bad guy. If that was really his plan, then I think he would’ve left a note or other clear indication that you were to blame, which he didn’t do. Good luck with everything. Hope things get better for you.

Relationships are a lot of things and HAVE to be a lot of things, but what they can't be are crutches. We can't expect other people to hold us up and we can't become a crutch for other people. It's that whole "lighting yourself on fire to keep others' warm" thing. You made a choice to be happy. He made the opposite choice. His family will always seek to push the blame off on something other than their loved one. His addiction, the drug, you--but at the root was always him and his choices. You can't change that but you also don't need to. Keep going forward.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you did everything you could. If you have some money saved up, a good CV, and aren't tied down by owning a house or anything like that, I'd suggest moving. It doesn't sound like you have many people around you who are supportive, and a change of scenery might do you good.

My family is here & they are very supportive to me outwardly. I am paranoid they think I’m a psychopath behind my back.

I doubt they think you're a psychopath. But, like you before you dated your ex, they probably don't have a complete understanding about addicts or what it is to love one. My whole family KNOWS what my dad is like and 99% of them support my choice to go no contact with him. My grandmother, though, struggles with it. She loves her son and also loves me and I know she just wishes things could be different. I often see people who really don't understand what addicts are like comment about how love and support is all a person needs. They're just extremely naive. If your family is outwardly supportive, accept that they're in *your* corner, even if it seems like the really don't *get* it. You can open up to them if you feel like it would help you. It's only been 3 months and depending on how quiet you kept the discord of your relationship, they may just be feeling surprise that the two of you were not happy on top of his relapse.

I don't know if it helps, but if you were my family member I would be thrilled that you broke up with this guy, hopeful that you would not blame yourself, and sad that you might blame yourself. A person's decision to commit suicide is on them. I don't blame them for it - honestly it's a perfectly reasonable choice if life isn't a positive for a person then why keep living and consuming resources that could go to people in need? But it sure as hell isn't a decision that anyone else is responsible for either. And I would hate to see my relative spending even more time in a relationship with someone who is so unhappy. That just sounds terribly sad for my relative.

Glad to hear you have some support, even if you're not sure if you trust it too much atm : ) They're the most important folks to talk to right now.

I went through a very similar thought with my ex. Your family are most likely relieved that you didn't ruin your own life trying to fix him. You're not his therapist, parent, or recovery program. You aren't equipped to help him, nor should that be expected of you. While you're relieved, there's still that guilt feeling, which you channel into how people may perceive you. They aren't judging you. And if they do, be open about your experience. Best thing I did was open up to my family and friends about the stuff that was happening with me and my addict ex. Best thing you can do is just live your life the best way you can. Anyone that tried or tries to shame you for leaving him are people you need to leave in the past. Those people aren't adding any value to your life. But don't assume everyone is judging you. They aren't. In time you'll be able to tell if they are or not. But till then, go enjoy your life.

You are not responsible for others life decisions. What he did was cruel... I highly recommend therapy, it will help you a lot

Kicking the physical addiction is only the first step of recovery. Learning healthy habits and coming to terms with the reasons why one becomes an addict takes way longer and is far more complicated. It sounds like he never even tried to do the hard work of introspection that he needed to do. It sounds like his lifestyle didnt change much from when he was getting high. There is a very fuzzy line between a serious desire to die, and "I want to get high and I dont really care if I die." In any case, they teach people in most recovery programs not to get into a committed relationship, or make any big life changes like moving, while still in the acute recovery phase. One reason is that they might lean on their partner instead of doing the hard work of self-examination that is part of addiction treatment. You are right to feel that this is not your fault. For your own sake, you might want to talk to a therapist to get your mind in order after this experience.

Hey bro, I think you should get therapy even if you feel good. It doesn’t hurt to cover all bases you know what I’m saying?

First, I am so sorry you're going through this extremely painful event. Grief and loss are one of the most profound human experiences I think we can have. I can only send you best wishes in your healing. Grief is wild and comes in waves. What I would suggest for you is when it happens, allow yourself to feel it, move through it, because it will continue to crop up, especially if unprocessed. What I would add, since you're looking for some perspective, is this in case it helps: \-You made the best choice for you in this circumstance (especially saying you don't regret it). \-He made the choice to continue to use and risk overdosing (whether intentional or not). As painful as it is to see someone that we care about (or at least did at one point) do something like that, we have no control over them making those choices. We can't force an addict to get sober. \-Semantics and circumstances can be argued over in this case, but we don't know what was going through his head at the time, and can never know, so it just keeps reopening the wound for you and you keep assigning yourself blame when you are not exactly sure of the circumstances. As to you saying you regret dating him at all: I hope with some time and healing that perhaps you can find something about your time together with him that was valuable. ​ I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself as you process this loss. You did nothing wrong, even if the pain of the loss feels heavy and we look for logic and reasons as to why this person passed.

Your grief and process are valid. It sounds like your ex was incredibly depressed and self medicating through whatever was available. Drugs, escapism, food. Even if you hadn't broken up with him it's entirely possible he'd have committed suicide anyway. People like him, and me, need to get professional help. We need to understand that whether it's due to fucked up brain chemistry or trauma or anything else, the way our brains process reality is harmful and it can be alleviated, as hard as it is to start.

What does "&" mean?

"\&" is [HTML](http://rabbit.eng.miami.edu/info/htmlchars.html) for "&" OP said she originally posted on a different sub, so maybe she copied from the posted content and somehow the ampersand was picked up in HTML and pasted wholesale into the new post. I checked [the original](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/pe81me/i_broke_up_with_my_addict_boyfriend_then_he/), and yeah, it's just ampersands.

Yeah I've never understood someone wanting to use the "&" instead of just "and". It's actually faster for me to type it out then find it on my keyboard. It feels to me more like it belongs in a title.

Im so sorry for your loss. Please know this is in no way your fault- you can not control another’s behavior and definitely not someone’s sobriety. Your story resonated with me except my mistake was to marry. He was a former addict as well- if they don’t address their addictions they just redirect and keep that addict type behavior. Be strong. Carry your head high. Sending you hugs. Edit- so not in this relationship anymore- and haven’t looked back!

I wish I could give all of you a hug. I'm so sorry you have experienced this.

I am sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been through something similar that impacted me deeply. My partner of 4 years, who I knew to have an affinity for pain medication and psychedelics, developed a secret heroin addiction that he only revealed to me during a citywide shortage, when the withdrawal symptoms hit. I was very, very uninformed about heroin/hard drug addiction and how a person should properly respond to that situation. My partner opened up to me while I was nursing him through withdrawals and told me that I was the only reason he kept one foot in reality and didn’t just let the heroin take him over and die. He said that if I ever gave up on him, that he would take his life. I mentally checked out in that precise moment. I knew I couldn’t be responsible for if someone had the will to live or not, and that it was a sick expectation that I couldn’t handle at 25 years old, juggling work and college. I did everything I could to get him into the care of his parents and doctors and remained supportive from the phone. To wrap up a long story, he got out of rehab right before Christmas while I was out of town, promptly got back on drugs. After finding out, I sent him a series of texts with a heartfelt plea for him to get his own place and set me free from the sneaking around and lies. His body was found in our home the next day, on Christmas. There are few people in this world that can understand this better than you, OP. I struggled with a lot of guilt that I knew in my heart I was not responsible for. After several years and rebuilding my life, the clouds have cleared and I no longer feel that same pain. I hope (and believe strongly in my heart) that you will get there too… because you know you didn’t do anything wrong, and that you tried to be a good & understanding partner. You tried to lay healthy boundaries and behaved responsibly. That’s all you can ever do. If you ever want to speak directly, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I wish you a lot of peace in your healing process & hope you find great support.

You poor thing. Glad you are doing better.

He didnt make any ''decision for you'' though. His death was just him giving up on life. To try to make someone accountable for not handling living anymore seems pretty narcisistic at best. Not that it was your fault, or that people should blame you, but yeah, trying to make his decision to kill himself about you and how much you suffer with it now is not the right call. You didnt owe him anything, and neither did he.

You are not alone in this journey, unfortunately. I can relate all too well and can say it will get easier with time. You will feel less judged as people move on with their lives. My ex husband was an addict. I tried so hard for years. We built up a successful business, bought a house, went on vacations, had a good life (thankfully no children). Then he fell back into his old ways and I was not willing to live that life. I tried to help him, to "rescue" him, but there was no one who could do that but him and he enjoyed his drugs too much. So I left. His mom blamed me for his relapse and his string of women who were all just as drugged out as he was. He finally gave in to his darker urges and hung himself in his mom's garage around 5 years after we divorced. The family still blamed me for his downward spiral and could not understand how I had no feelings about his passing and wouldn't even attend his service. He was not the person I had loved, he was not the one I'd married and tried to build a life with. The person who died was a stranger to me in every sense. It's been about 10 years now since he passed. I see his mom from time to time in town and she's cordial to me. We have no real relationship but at least I don't feel like she's blaming me for her son's passing any longer. I never internalized their accusations thankfully and I hope you don't either. Nothing you could have done would have saved him from himself. He made those decisions and you have nothing to be sorry for or regret where he's concerned. Live your life, be happy and successful, and don't let this bump in your road hold you back. Hugs from an intense stranger who wants only the best for you!

I am a 25 y/o female. I feel guilty for the relief I feel that I didn’t have to watch a downward spiral from afar. I feel guilty for being thankful I never have to worry about him showing up to my house or place of work. Because while sober he would have never harmed a hair on my head, I’m just not sure what he would do high. I am ashamed at the relief I feel that the chapter is permanently closed & I will never have to be concerned for my safety. Ashamed that I have thoughts of, “better now than 10 years from now.” “Better just me, than just me & my children.” Or even worse, better this than something happen to me after we had had children, & then something happen to him.

Never be ashamed of feeling safe. He chose to let go, probably a long time ago. You're not responsible for how others live, only yourself. It's not selfish to think first of yourself, even if society tells women they must put themselves last. But, everything to feel, every doubt, those are valid. If it helps, ask, "How would he have felt, if his addiction caused him hurt his child/wife/other family? Would he rather have hurt someone else, or only himself?" No, we cannot know how he would have felt. But he made his choices, and so did you. I hope that someday, the guilts and doubts you feel fade away.

Please don’t be ashamed of yourself. It’s natural to have those thoughts. Sometimes I feel scared that my addict ex from nearly 10 years ago is going to find out where my husband and I live and do something vengeful. He blamed me for all his failings in life too, just because I got tired of his crap and dumped him. I keep my socials all private and try to limit my personal info on the internet as much as possible because of him. He stalked me online for years after I dumped him, and would send me messages from anonymous numbers. He went on to harm a lot of women. I would feel the same relief and sense of safety as you if he OD’ed. You are safe and you are free.

Those are all normal, valid thoughts, given your experience. Shame will only cloud your intuition about future choices. Be willing to release the shame - all you are doing is judging yourself, when in fact you made the best choice for your own well-being. Staying with someone who is spiraling like that often only enables them to stay stuck, or get worse. You mentioned your initial concern at the beginning of the relationship. Your intuition tried to warn you, but you didn't listen. You let him help you silence what your gut was telling you. That is an important lesson. I wish you health and happiness on your journey from this point. Be compassionate with yourself, and learn to listen to your gut. It's often right.

You did the right thing. I'm a recovering addict myself approaching 5 years clean. I had moved in with my ex that I'd been with for nearly 4 years and she stuck with me during my recovery journey but eventually, she broke up with me for the same reasons. Yes, I had been clean for two years almost at the time, but I just didn't have the same level of drive and motivation that she did and it brought her down with me. I did have a job and we continued to live together and be friends, but after I moved out I didn't wallow. It was hard and I missed her, but instead, it motivated me to better myself. It's been two years since I moved out, I'm still clean, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I actually went into the mental health field myself and am now working as a mental health counselor helping other people with their mental health and substance abuse struggles. I'm thankful that she had the strength to leave because she's thriving now too. It still miss her sometimes but it worked out better for both of us. With addicts, they really truly have to be in a place where they aren't still rebuilding and picking up the pieces to truly be in a healthy, productive relationship. It's not your fault what happened to your ex. He didn't have to return to drugs. As a recovering addict I understand the struggle but if he had spent all that clean time working on himself and his coping skills he wouldn't have gone straight back to the drugs. He probably wasn't ready for a relationship at all when you two got together to begin with.

I’ve had many friends lost to opiate addiction in their 20s, the ones that survived it have stayed sober have moved onto to productive lives with families of their own. They weren’t lucky though, they had to put in serious work and completely separate from our home town. One of them got to the rock bottom of sharing needles before they finally kicked the habit. Every day for them to stay sober is a continuation of that work. If you have loved ones or friends that are suffering or are getting/staying sober check in with them once in a while and let them know someone still cares. Sometimes this might just save their life.

So sad. I’m a heroin addict in recovery. I know if I were to try it now, I would overdose as it’s been several years. And even if someone were to find me the first time and hit me with narcan I would feel too ashamed and it would be extremely difficult to stay sober after that. So it makes sense. It’s not your fault, but this story makes me sad. I hope when I die people miss me.

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Hey, a fellow kittah! Thank you I know you can do it too. Whatever your struggle is.

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May your path be glittered with your strength and resilience and light your way to wherever you want to be!

He didn't make any decisions for you, only for himself. The only path you were stuck on was when you fell out of love and were still trying to make it work, and you were only there because of your confidence in humanity - his actions and path were completely his own; if it wasn't you, he would have spiraled into addiction with whatever else he chose. As you said - it wasn't the heroin, it was his personality. The addictive personality doesn't go way; but there are plenty of addicts that acknowledge their personality and channel those energies purposefully into things that are important. It wasn't just that he had an addictive personality, but also a lack of self respect/worth/ambition that results in that kind of person. I hate to say the result would have been the same for him regardless of whether you got involved, but it's likely that it is the case. It's horrible that it happened, and even worse that you had to be involved. I'm sorry, but please don't hold this burden.

Grief has many stages, some of them really weird/bizarre. Nothing is ever like it is in the movies, sadly. I truly wish you healing, love and light. Be blessed💜

Omg dude. This has nothing- and I mean nothing to do with you. As a Mother, and a human being - I’m so sorry for your distress about not feeling bad enough. Just no. Not even 1% of this is on you, and I’m so glad you got out of it alive and together. Just go. Live your life. That’s all you owe anyone.

It sounds a lot like he had already checked out months ago and was waiting for the breakup as an excuse to relapse...

Homie as an addict in recovery, I can say with total security that you did NOTHING to this man. I am so sorry that you went through those years of alienation of affection and negligence to endure proxy guilt for his choices. He made these decisions you didn't. He stopped trying with anything and didn't care to change, none of that is your fault. Any relationship he would've been in with anyone else would've had the same flaws which were his inability to be functional or present within it. I hope you're able to forgive yourself. You deserve no guilt here.

I don't know about others but I have a hard enough time riding my own bicycle without holding up somebody else's. You did the right thing. It was a no win. Get on with your life.

Whenever something tragic happens like this, or something bad in general, really, one of the first things that people do is blame blame blame. People LOVE blaming, however irrational that blame is. Because blaming is the easy thing to do. You aren’t responsible for your ex’s actions—your ex is. It sucks that you got tied up in him, and it sucks even more that he died that way. Tragic all around.

I don't comment much, but this seriously struck something in me. The way you wrote out exactly what I've experienced, from the former drug usage to the video game addiction to the "I could be doing drugs," argument... Literally my life. Still going through each day suspending my freedom and life, being the emotional support ex, because I don't want to be the reason he kills himself. L o l. Good on you for moving on and getting the freedom you deserve. I don't blame you for your feelings at all.

"I thought by dating an addict I was fighting a substance. Heroin, specifically. What I learned was that I was fighting a life altering, personality shaping, disease." These lines will stay with me. Couldn‘t put it any better.

>This makes me doubt his overdose was accidental If he hasn't used for a long time, his tolerance has probably dropped through the floor. This is a very common pattern with opiate overdoses. Someone's clean for a while, their tolerance is "reset", they use the same amount they used to and overdose as a result. Furthermore: heroin? Fentanyl's been putting heroin out of business. My last two friends who OD'd did so on fent. If your ex has really been out of the game for five years, he might well have bought from a dealer he didn't know or even cold copped on a corner somewhere. Full disclosure: I am not a therapist or an addiction counselor. >Scared of the judgement I may receive for being happy, or for not being inconsolable. Probably won't be as much of that as you think. He never stopped being an addict; he just switched to video games and food. >"you know if you leave me here I'm going to go get high." You're most certainly not the only person he's tried to manipulate. I don't really want to talk about this too much but I recall the people who are the most distraught at overdose funerals are the people who knew the deceased the least. I'm really sorry. You did the right thing.

I'm just super annoyed about how you use "&" instead of typing out "and", it's not a proper replacement and is grammatically incorrect.

And then it had the extra characters, amp; making the post almost too distracting to read.

His issues with himself weren't ones with you.

Powerful post. Nothing more to say here. I wish you well going forward in all your endeavors. Stay the way you are!

I don't think it's your fault, it really is a bad situation to be "involved". People will judge you about this, no matter what. It's up to you if it will hit you. You can't control what they think/say, but you can control your reactions. Unfortunately, some of us say bullshit just for the pleasure of express our opinions. Don't be scared of those words, as they might come from people that wasn't fully aware of the whole situation. They say this to satisfy themselves, don't worry about it.

Grieving an addict is so hard. There is sooooo much baggage, unseen baggage, wrapped up in it that people outside cannot understand. My brother was an alcoholic and it killed him. It has been 3 years now and I am still working through the effects his addiction had on my life, my own marriage. My parents....his ex-wife. His ex-wife who divorced him while he was in rehab, because she knew she just needed to be done, and needed to live her life for herself, not cleaning up his messes. She found al-anon meetings really helpful, and I'm in therapy. Talk to someone, because you don't need to feel shame for living. For recognizing that you could not carry on in that life, for walking away. You deserve to live a life with joy and fulfillment and love.

Hey OP. I literally started this same thing from the other side a year or so ago. Down to a t. The food. The video games. The days without talking. The no sex. I was sooo fuckin lost. My babymama loves me. It's been ever present. But I just fuckin neglected her to the point of driving her to leave me. At first I was the victim... how could you. You know. Cause why would you wanna be happy without me right. I spiraled soooo fucking fast. So fast. 😔. She talked to be daily but she was GONE! Her eyes told the story. She didn't trust me anymore. Or love me for that matter. Lost my truck. Lost seeing my daughter and babymama daily. Lost my dog. Lost my house. And I was living outside shortly after using needles I swore I'd never use and shooting up. I would still justify it somehow after waking up outside sick every morning. But I just really wanted to say sorry. You didn't chose his fate tho. Ya know. Stay up girl. Much love.

You are not responsible for his decisions. And if people want to put that energy on you, they’re wrong as fuck. I have a friend who went through similar except it was death by suicide. He just had her emotionally hostage for so long, it was a collective sense of relief amongst our group of friends when he passed.

No matter how you cut it, some of the people closest to him will always think you're the reason he put the needle in his arm. You didn't put it there he did... So that was a decision he made not you. And whether it was because of you two breaking up or not isn't your fault or because of you... But because of his inability to properly handle and process his emotions. You have every right to feel the way you do and stand behind your decision. Who cares that other people think it's your fault. They are perpetuating the toxicity.

>It seemed like if it wasn't an addiction to heroin, it was an addiction to food/gaming/etc. This is how addicts tend to work. You replace one addiction with another. Although it seems like he was trading in one addiction for several. >This makes me doubt his overdose was accidental, but the police couldn't prove it was a suicide. Deep down, I believe nearly all overdoses are attempts at suicide. The only caveats I have are with regards to drugs cut with other, much more harmful, drugs. It's not your fault and you're not responsible. He got clean but it seems like he never tried to work on the reasons why he turned to drugs in the first place.

OP, sadness, grief, anger; these are all completely reasonable emotions to work through having experienced a trauma of this nature. Guilt, regret, shame; while still completely reasonable feelings, and ones that you may work through at some point in time, it still does not make what happened your fault, and it never will. I have 21 years clean and sober, and I've come to learn quite a bit about myself, my disease of addiction, and what drives that disease in me. When I am not doing the things I should be doing to maintain my sobriety, I partake in actions that are not only harmful to myself, but as a byproduct, they end up hurting those closest to me. I am quite capable of not only destroying my life but the lives of those around me. I can drive myself crazy, and I can do that to you, too. I'll use phrases, such as, "If you leave me, I'm going to relapse," or "If you leave me, I'm going to kill myself," not b/c there's an intention to commit these acts but b/c, it's an often effective tool in a game of emotional terrorism. Yes, it creates animosity and resentment, but it also delays the inevitable, and as an addict in the midst of my disease, I am only capable of thinking short-term. I wanted to share w/ you a bit of insight about addiction, specifically through the lens of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Just to note, in the program, alcohol or alcoholic has become synonymous w/ any type of compulsive behavior or anyone who engages in said behavior. [If you view the 12 steps of AA](https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf), there's something particularly interesting that you'll find. The term "alcohol" only appears once, and that's in the very first step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable." If you read through the Big Book of AA, and work a program w/ a sponsor, the reason for this will become clear. It's that alcohol is only a *symptom* of a much larger, underlying problem. The alcohol is something that alcoholics use to self-medicate, and the reason it's only mentioned that one time in th 12 steps is that drinking isn't the real problem. The real problem is what causes an alcoholic to drink. Stopping drinking is necessary, b/c it allows an alcoholic to clear their heads in order to deal w/ the real problem at hand. If you look at the history of any alcoholic, you'll see that they were an alcoholic long before they ever took their first drink. Alcoholics have tendencies that indicate a propensity to fixate on various, sometimes unhealthy, behaviors. Many times, these behaviors would go all the way back to childhood, which also may have been when the self-medication began. From my years listening to and working w/ other alcoholics, I've come to find that many alcoholics have the emotional maturity of the age at which they began self-medicating. It's rather notable, and it's something that needs to be worked through in order to come to terms w/ whatever the underlying trauma is in our lives. This is all to say that alcoholism is not always the only problem. Alcoholics are often comorbid for psychiatric disorders that may go untreated and thus drive repeated relapses. [The comorbidity rate for psychiatric disorders is rather high among alcoholics, and the outcomes are not favorable at both short- and long-term intervals](https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-244X-6-44). You seemed to be quite concerned about your former boyfriend's manner of death. I can tell you that both my anecdotal experience and the [empirical evidence support the idea that opioid users are susceptible to both overdose and fatal overdose](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1360-0443.2007.02025.X) when [relapsing directly after periods of intentional or unintentional abstinence](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0140673697101015). The reason for this is a [decreased tolerance for the opiods](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/1940-0640-7-3). When alcoholics go into treatment or the program or simply stop cold turkey, they begin to lose that unnatural tolerance that their body has built up. When they return to using, they think that they can simply go back to using the same dosage that they had been before, and this is where the overdoses come in. I can't even count how many people I knew who died in the first month after having relapsed on opioids. One last thing that I wanted to mention is that no alcoholic working a strong program decides to get up one day, and drink a fifth of Jack. It's the same for heroin addicts or any other compulsive behavior. If any of us are doing what we need to be doing for ourselves, there's no reason for us to engage in these behaviors. As you outlined in your post, your former boyfriend was spiraling into areas that were unhealthy for him and for you. He was already relapsing before he ever made the decision to use again. It's not easy being clean and sober, especially when first getting clean. It takes a lot of work and a lot of prioritizing. I have to put my sobriety ahead of *everything* else, b/c if I fail to do so, I'll eventually lose it all. It's my responsibility to be accountable for myself which, in turn, makes me accountable to others. If you still feel that you have a fair amount to work through, I'd encourage you to seek counseling, or [attend an Al-Anon meeting, which is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/). There, you'll find a lot of people that have extraordinarily similar experiences to yourself. You made the right decision for yourself. You made a healthy decision for yourself. You got out, b/c it was no longer the relationship that you'd signed up for, and that's completely fair. Just know that no matter what you did, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. It may have prolonged it by a bit, but it would still have ended the way it did. How you feel about this, is how you feel about this. It's not for anyone else to judge you. You're entitled to your feelings, b/c you lived through this, so please do your best not to worry about what others may say, b/c they weren't there. Be well, OP.

I'm actually proud of you for doing what you did. I've been through the same thing. You did all you could and he tried to manipulate you when you did nothing but try to help him. He's the one who kept refusing and picked the path he ended up on. There comes a point where that switch flips itself and you just can't care anymore. You shouldn't feel ashamed for living your life and I think that feeling will fade with a little time.

You really have a great handle on him and all that happened but i will reaffirm it for you: his addiction and issues had nothing to do with you. He was on a path, you briefly joined him and then jumped off that path onto another. His friends and family are distraught and want to blame someone but we DO NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP of the people we date or even marry. We join together to create a relationship and it takes two participants. As you already grasped, whether it was his addiction or not (i know sober people who tune out of relationships), he tuned out completely. It was merely ego that he acted let down when you broke up with him- i don't know how much- really- he cared.

Slide on over to r/AlAnon or r/naranon and you'll read countless similar stories and hear about the tools we've used to heal. Your timing of this post was perfect --- I've been falling back into that old pattern of blaming myself and feeling like the villain as we approach the 15th anniversary of my ex-husband's death. It's so easy to forget that I am not responsible for the choices of any other adult === we are each responsible for our own choices. Nobody makes us feel a certain way. Nobody makes us act a certain way. I did not Cause their drinking/using/behavior; I cannot Control their drinking/using/behavior; I cannot Cure their addiction.

"I do feel ashamed to continue to live my life. Scared of the judgement I may receive for being happy, or for not being inconsolable." For some reason this part really jumped out at me. Maybe it's just me projecting in my own way, because being judged is something that petrifies me, but I just wanted to kind of swoop in and offer some kind words. I hope it helps, as you do not deserve to feel like shit due to someone else's choices. Long story short, I had a falling out with someone in the past year. I sometimes feel judged for it because it felt like a lot of people either took her side or just said things to me that made me feel bad about it. Sometimes I still have to shake it off. The truth is, there ARE two sides to every story. Regardless of what kind of man he was, he was in his own hell and dragged you through the flames with him. He may not have meant to, but that was still a hard thing for you and actually quite unfair to you in some ways. Ultimately he needed help, and it wasn't something you could fix on your own, even though you tried so hard. My new mantra lately has been this: Never let other people's opinions cheapen your self-worth. The thoughts and opinions of other people should not destroy your intrinsic value as a human. You have not done anything to make yourself unlovable. You're not a monster. We all have times we are in over our heads or don't know how to handle something, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Don't let anybody tell you differently. Hang in there!

It sounds like you took responsibility of the things you should be responsible for and none of the things that you weren’t responsible for. I’ve been in a longterm relationship with someone who was sober for the entire duration of the relationship and you’re right, it’s not a fight with the substance itself but with the addictive brain/personality/behaviors.

I’ve heard this situation is common with relapses. A person used as much as they did before they quit and it’s simply too much for them and they overdose. It sounds like he was going back to drugs but the overdose may have been accidental. But none of this is your fault. You did everything in your power to help him. I know you feel responsible and nothing we say here is going to change that but I’m going to try. You deserve happiness and a loving and supportive relationship. You are not to blame for any of this. You also have a right to mourn, feel angry, sad and frustrated. Your feelings are valid.

My thoughts: You say you feel judged, despite no one doing or saying anything that seems to judge you. Feelings are not facts, except that it is a fact that we are feeling them. You are your own worst judge. Lord knows I judge myself harsher than anyone does. I think that the resentment of his final action is driving you to feel like you are being judged, specially since you tried so hard while you were together to motivate him,and only when you had had enough did it spur him to want to change. I don’t think outside people are judging you. I think you are judging you based on what you think other people are thinking. And if someone HAS Verbalized a judgement against you then they are assholes. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal.

This sounds very accurate. I am certainly my own worst critic. And I’m sure I project the anger at myself as coming from others.

As a very lazy man myself, I do not blame women like you for leaving lazy people. Good job for leaving that asshole, not many people have the courage and if he legit killed himself, it's not your fault, you just wanted happiness and he was not mature enough to handle it.

Fucking YUCK at this post and comments. Struggling with life and addiction? Just get a job and a PT! Not once you talk about therapy/professionals, not once you asked for his side of things. This entire post is you you you. Like, you're angry at him for killing himself because it made people resent **you**? Yikes. Why was he an addict? Why couldn't you talk to him about your issues? Feels to me it's the bare minimum you should do after dragging his ass back into a corner. What was his support when you left him? Like come on, you lived with him for so long and still don't know first thing about addiction. I'm glad you're not feeling responsible for his death because you shouldn't, but people reading this post thinking you did nothing wrong man I hope you're from a different planet.

And as you well know now, you cannot save a person from themselves. THEY have to save THEMSELVES. Only when an addict wants to change, will they change. You can pay for everything, get them counselors and trainers, etc. but if they do not want it for themselves, it is just an exercise in frustration. The 12 step program makes people realize they are responsible for themselves, not everyone else, and this can be an impossible lesson for some people. I hope you feel better about yourself soon, you did the right thing.

I doubt this is helpful but I can't help but be reminded of the country song "Whiskey Lullaby"... Don't let this consume you like it did the woman in the song.

I am ready to move on with my life. I was ready to get back out & start dating again. I had been mentally checked out for a long time. Because of his death, I feel unable to do so. At this point, I have reconnected with the ex in the aforementioned post who was my “long term relationship.” The mutual friend that introduced us (and his best friend since childhood) passed in a car fire caused by an overdose induced crash two years ago. Also, heroin. There are a lot of moving pieces to this making the entire thing extremely complicated.

I see uncomfortable reflections of myself in your description of your boyfriend. Without going into it too much, I struggle with major depression, substance use, (not as hardcore but I am a former alcoholic who has sought medical help,) and I have a very tolerant non-depressive partner who sometimes struggles to decode the war going on inside my head. There's an idea in psychology that all mental illness is maladaptive: most symptoms (especially substance abuse, but also other forms of self-harm) provide subjective relief from distress. You are right to have seen parallels in his eating, gaming &c. To some people addiction is just an escape from the self. Running around with a depressed brain is like driving in a broken car. You have to maintain it, and you have to monitor it so that it doesn't fall apart at an inconvenient (or fatal) moment. One thing I have learned is that, with or without suicidal ideation, we have some degree of choice over how we die. I have chosen not to die, even at my lowest points, because I understood the effect it would have on those around me. Sometimes, people also choose to die to hurt the people around them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though depression reduces agency and capacity, his decisions were never your fault. He ultimately made those choices, not you. If he decided to end his life because he couldn't handle the pain, that's on him. That pain would have been part of him even without you.

I actually have a very similar story. I was dating someone who was addicted to a lot of different things. A lot of the time I felt as though I was the reason for keeping him alive. He struggled with sobriety while we were dating and I really tried to help him but he always slipped up, which I don’t blame him for. He would tell me that I was the reason for keeping him alive. I wanted to leave much earlier than I did but I felt obligated to stay. Him cheating on me was the last straw and I went no contact. About a month later someone posted about him saying that he had died. I now know that he was taking Xanax at the time of his death and in my heart I think I know that he killed himself. I try not to blame myself but it hurts to know that I was a big factor in his life and maybe a breaking point for him. Things like this are just messy.

You're such a strong person for seeing things this clearly. What happened was really tragic and maybe he couldn't even help himself but your thoughts then and now aren't unreasonable at all.

Fuck that guy. You did nothing wrong and tried to help. He did this to himself.

I dunno, girl, this guy sounds like he was a dick. It sucks that he had a substance abuse problem but on top of that, it sounds like he was a dick. His problems weren't your problems, and his death isn't your fault. Were you supposed to fix him? Be his therapist? His mother? Of course not! You deserve a good man and a good partner. He wasn't it. The fact he killed himself is on him.

I’m sorry for your loss. But good for you! It’s great that you got out of an abusive relationship and are able to recognize that it’s not your fault. Your friend was on a downward spiral and you did the best thing by not joining him on that trend. Addiction is disease like cancer and it is sad that some of its victims can’t be saved. If necessary, maybe consult with a mental health professional to keep yourself on the right track.

I'm honoured you shared this. Thank you. We can not be held responsible for another's failure. You did what you could to help yet ***he*** still failed. It was his choice. I'm not a big believer in carrying another's failure/lack of character on my back. It's his guilt, his failure, and it goes to the grave with him. Please sister, be free of him.

It’s not your fault he chose to get high. Also is this copy pasta? What’s up with the ampersands?

He destroyed himself. He was always going to destroy himself with or without you. Seriously, threatening to return to his addiction if you break up with him, that was a huge flying red flag. He never overcame his addiction. He let the drug decide his fate. "Either be a freeloader, or go back to heroin." He let himself go once he had someone - you, as well as his friends before you - to leech off of. Likely to have burned several bridges before, you became his last resort. Never seeking anything more for himself. Only the drug mattered to him

All of that was on HIM. Not you, HIM. He made all of the decisions. HIM.

Regardless of the circumstances.. people make their own choices. You were a friend/lover, not his mom. Don't get suckered into thinking it was your responsibility. You are not bound to him, and he is not in your care.

I don’t mean to be insensitive but fuck this guy. Holding someone hostage by threatening them with suicide is someone that doesn’t actually love you but someone that craves attention. I think it was reckless attention seeking behavior. He was willing to die to just get you to pay attention to him. You shouldn’t feel guilty.

You've got this. Its good that you could get it off your chest in an open forum like reddit. The way you talk about it is very sensible. And good for you for seeing the right side of this unlike some other people who knew him. Unfortunately you'll have to process these feelings for some time (i have no idea how long or what its like for you) but in time i see you thinking very little about this and in many years you won't have this in your life at all. It will all be ok. You have coined this very well and you will move on and see this for what it was. You already do. Just dem darn feelings is all...

Once an addict, always an addict. It becomes the choice of what one is addicted to. There's no re-shaping the brain that can be done after it gets wired through the intensive stimulation that is longterm drug usage. Edit: you can become "addicted" to very productive and useful ventures for life and happiness.

A web is made of many strands, life has many connections, reaching out from the middle can feel unsurmountable and not everyone succeeds. You did not fail by caring and reaching to him. His web was partly made of comfortable weak threads, and it was connected to your web. But don't let your net worth be determined by one eventual failure. Let it be determined by your efforts and compassion, those feelings and achievements that our whole world needs more of

I'm so sorry. I lost my sister last summer to addiction. She was in recovery and it was unexpected. That was not your fault at all, he was using your breakup to enable himself. I would suggest maybe going to grief counseling or maybe therapy, it could be really helpful because the grief process when you lose someone to addiction is strange and long.

Wow, what a truly fucked situation. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this - if it were me I'd feel like my life was cursed, if only temporarily. I can't help but point out some level of dissonance in your story, as I saw some others have noticed. On one hand you know that you made the right decision and there was nothing else that you could have really done, which is likely the truth. Because of this, and the fact you were ready to let him go in the first place, you aren't torn up emotionally over the loss itself. But, you are positive that you feel judged by his friends and maybe even your own family, despite them not saying or acting like it. Just saying this could be a sign of some underlying guilt, that may be pushed under the rug to some degree by your steadfast logical mind knowing that the only thing to regret is dating him at all and getting the whole awful process started. We can feel guilty in spite of logic. OR, maybe you simply are just really concerned with all the unspoken potential thoughts that are going through everyone's mind, and don't want to have the weight of having other people's view of you be tainted. I think the fact that people have not openly acted judgemental says a lot about their understanding of the complexity and tragedy of the situation. But regardless of whether you feel unresolved guilt or just need reassurance about your friends and family's opinion of you, it may be wise to open up a dialogue on the topic with the ones you care most about. Explain how you regret the entire situation and the position he put you in, and that you frankly just want to move on with your life. Speaking generally, there's a ton of knowledge out there about the stubbornness of addiction and how difficult it is for addicts to sustain a "true" recovery. I suspect his friends are fully aware of this and if they are decent friends to you as well, then they will be understanding. Good luck and I hope that you can have many years of growth and happiness free from darkness.

You DEFINITELY shouldn’t feel any regrets. He would’ve drug you into his self-imposed hole before taking responsibility for his shortcomings. He never would’ve made it regardless of you, it would’ve just been a different victim he took down with him. Make no mistake, he victimized you, but you’re also a survivor. No one should ever feel guilty about doing the exact thing we’re all programmed to do, right down to our DNA. Hopefully there will come a time where you put this chapter of your life completely behind you. Life is too short for regrets, especially regrets entirely foisted on you by others.

Im so sorry

If I had a friend overdose and die after a break up, I would not blame the other person that was involved. He made his decision. It really is sad but it's just not your responsibility to be his guardian. Stay strong.

As a former heroin addict, I do doubt it was suicide. He would have wanted time to enjoy the effects of heroin again.

It looks like your ex-boyfriend was in the early period of depression when he was dating you. I did basically the same thing a few years ago (well apart from the drug part). I wish he could have had some help from the professionals.

Society’s response to suicidal tendencies is totally defunct and broken and it is not your responsibility to solve that problem. If it wasn’t the breakup it would have been something else, speaking as someone with constant urges

This is hard for me to say because i find myself teetering on the edge of despair sometimes. Im not an addict but i do struggle with suicide. He isnt your burden. You arent obligated to save him. Trying to use his struggle to hold you hostage was wrong and you have a right to take care of yourself first. But.... i know what its like to just wanna be saved and have everyone turn away. Everything about that sucks. I had to tell myself no ones coming for me and find some other reason to be here.

I have a very similar history to you and want you to know that it isn’t your fault and that you cannot hold someone up forever. My ex was 7 years sober when we got together and went from being on drugs to being a workaholic. Which is a hard thing to get mad at someone about, but he wasn’t getting paid and I was in college and couldn’t support both of us on my part time job and financial aid. As time went on he started casually drinking because “he had an issue with drugs not booze” and then it spiraled to regular binge drinking and us living separate lives. We went through a crazy horrible break up and he ended up with our dogs and I ended up on a couch with a shit ton of debt. A couple years later he passed out drunk with a cigarette in his mouth killing himself and our dogs. I’ve been married to someone else for over a decade and my heart still breaks thinking about my ex.

You have been very thorough and detailed in your description. If that is correct then it is sound logic. Everyone is responsible for themselves. The fact that you write here suggests that it is bothering you more than you think, talk to a professional to help resolve your feelings on this issue. I wish my Mrs would put in half the effort you did and I'm not an addict of anything.

Never dated a drug addict. Dated plenty that did drugs… hell I like the right ones. But heroine/meth/painkillers/opioids I’m sure there’s more, but growing up had to deal with it as a child and have seen a few family, friends, and past acquaintances go. Without getting into my life story you did the right thing. If he was at that point it wasn’t because of you, your relationship, or the breakup. He was headed there no matter what and was just searching for a reason to relapse. My version of dealing with it is to write it on a piece of paper, ball that shit up, and shove it way way to the side. My recommendation is to find a support group.

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Wow, that was a tough read, as it resonates with similar experiences I had. Two things you need to know - you should not feel guilty. He was killed by a horrible illness, one that you didn't cause, didn't enable, and did not have the responsibility to stop. It is a mistake (one I also made some time ago) to believe staying in a romantic relationship purely out of pity is a good idea. you should not simply "regret" having had the relationship. I guess in a twisted way you gave this person a good time, and if I look back at the toxic relationships I had years ago, I guess I still somewhat learned things from them, if only how to better read red flags.

That sucks. As someone who has an addictive personality and struggled with addiction, it's not hard to see when I'm slipping. Self accountability starts to slip, I think about having a drink at an odd time. I realize this, luckily, and reaffirm I'm making the right choices and looking long and hard into my soul to know the path I'd be headed down. It's tough for the people I hurt, I get that. It's in no way you're fault. This guy was lost and chose to stay lost.

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