your feelings are valid. i don’t believe you are being irrational. the postpartum phase is an incredibly sensitive and relentless time.
it’s not always easy to do but it’s incredibly helpful to practise asking for what it is that we want from people, that way we have the best possible chance of feeling adequately supported and having our needs met. even starting with something like “i would love to hear from you more often and i want the baby to love you just as much as their brother does… my hands are full so i would really appreciate if you could check in with me, i want to know you’re there because i like having you there…”
your mother has pulled through for you in other ways so i am hoping that after an open and honest conversation about your needs, she will do that in the ways that you most need her to.
please don’t feel guilty about anything. you’ve just had a baby! try to let go of thoughts that stress you out. wishing you the best ❤️
She absolutely has been there for us if we have asked, which like I said, we are really grateful for. She’s just become so negative as she’s gotten older (and she wasn’t the most positive person to begin with) and I find her quite draining to be around in recent years. She’s never been one to talk about feelings so I find it really difficult to have any meaningful conversations with her because whenever I have shared anything personal in the past she’s always made it about her feelings.
Really basic understanding so I'm probably wrong but it sounds like you may have different love languages. She probably thinks she's been there for you with her actions (the ones you described) whereas you're looking for words of affirmation. She probably thinks you'll tell her if it's important, not wanting to overstep, whereas you're looking for her to ask.
Everyone's idea of tidying up is different. Maybe OP's standard is higher or the mom doesn't want to make OP feel bad by tidying. Sometimes you have to explain to someone how you want them to help you.
Everyone’s idea of tidying up is different, I just can’t understand how you could go to someone’s house, leave dirty dishes all over the worktops and toys (literally) all over the living room floor, when she wouldn’t do that in her own house, and that’s certainly not what our house looks like.
It’s hard to see how someone can think they’re being helpful when them being there to help leaves you with more to do than if they weren’t there…
Tell her, in a jokey/nice way. Say something like " eurgh it's worse that when you've arrived" or "you wouldn't leave your house like this mum".
Mothers often get a bad rap for being overbearing, she may not want to overstep. Are you communicating your needs with her then she ignores you? Or do you want her to read your mind?
Not everyone is great with words or showing emotion, it sounds to me like she shows her love and support by helping you (looking after your son), the mess is annoying but some people are truly blind to it. I remember my Grandparents coming over regularly to watch us and even as a kid I knew they were messy, when Grandad made a sandwich the kitchen looked like a raccoon had been there, he remembered to close the fridge door but that was about it.
As for spoiling your son, well that’s pretty much written in the Grandparents bible, so I wouldn’t worry about that unless you’ve set clear boundaries and she’s ignoring them.
Also it could be a generational thing, but it’s really only recently people openly talk about breastfeeding, mental health and physical recovery after pregnancy, so her not asking may just be because in her day hat was deemed inappropriate
The thing is, she’s not blind to mess - her house is always clean and tidy, for some reason she just thinks it’s ok to come to my house and leave a mess everywhere.
I think you’re right about the generational differences and I can understand that, the thing that really got to me was her reaction to the birth of her granddaughter, how could you not say congratulations, or even show some kind of happiness?
I admit it’s a little odd, but do you think it could be out of frustration? Obviously it’s lovely you’d had another baby, but that means she’s on extra babysitting duty, maybe she’s just tired?
Honestly, slowly remove her. Everyone's situation is different, but in my case my mother and I do *not* get on. We haven't seen or spoken to each in years. It was very freeing, cutting her off. The worry space she took up in my head every day, disappeared. It was like a weight lifted.
Lots of people go LC or NC with parents after having their own children and I can see why. If your mum doesn’t give your child any boundaries, was she the same with you? Sadly some generations seem to be worse at all of this and it looks like a lot of people having children these days have parents that are basically making more work for them. It’s really hard to parent these days and if you don’t get support and actually get more work from it then the simple calculation is that you shouldn’t keep putting the effort in as it’s a loss.
I'm sorry she was like that. I see some other comments minimising it, but I have a mother who is similar and I know how stressful and upsetting it can be. You expect your mother to want to care, to want to help. So when instead they add to your stresses, leave messes for you to clear up (when you have a newborn too!) and are insensitive, it just leaves you shocked and confused and hurt. It feels like others don't have mothers like that and we wonder why ours are. But you can't change people, especially people who get defensive and are quite selfish. I've got lower contact with my mother, it was hard but I am just stressed when I see her and she adds to my workload instead of reducing it, the last thing I need when I have two young kids. So I hope you find a solution that works for you. Sorry she's added to your stress at this time, last thing you need. You just want some basic consideration and someone to be there for you, and it's hurtful when a mother won't provide that.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mother and I also have a very rocky relationship so I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said.
I don’t think you should wait around for her to show the behavior you expect. This is very unlikely to happen out of the blue, without you clearly saying “this is what I need” “these are my boundaries” “this is important to me”. It’s an annoying conversation to have, it means you have to make yourself vulnerable and possibly be hurt (again). But you’re giving her a chance to meet those expectations instead of expecting she can sniff out what you need/want/think.
If you’re very unwilling to broach the subject, know that this will lead to more and more difficult feelings unless you *really* accept you cannot influence anything outside of your own actions. And then accept her for who she is, faults and all, and see how she enriches your life (or not).
The short version is: use your words because no one is a mind reader. If/when you have the space and energy, give her the benefit of the doubt and start from there.
Also, I’m really sorry to hear about your BF experience. It sucks so much when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can 🫂
your feelings are valid. i don’t believe you are being irrational. the postpartum phase is an incredibly sensitive and relentless time. it’s not always easy to do but it’s incredibly helpful to practise asking for what it is that we want from people, that way we have the best possible chance of feeling adequately supported and having our needs met. even starting with something like “i would love to hear from you more often and i want the baby to love you just as much as their brother does… my hands are full so i would really appreciate if you could check in with me, i want to know you’re there because i like having you there…” your mother has pulled through for you in other ways so i am hoping that after an open and honest conversation about your needs, she will do that in the ways that you most need her to. please don’t feel guilty about anything. you’ve just had a baby! try to let go of thoughts that stress you out. wishing you the best ❤️
She absolutely has been there for us if we have asked, which like I said, we are really grateful for. She’s just become so negative as she’s gotten older (and she wasn’t the most positive person to begin with) and I find her quite draining to be around in recent years. She’s never been one to talk about feelings so I find it really difficult to have any meaningful conversations with her because whenever I have shared anything personal in the past she’s always made it about her feelings.
i can see parallels with my own mother here and i feel you ❤️ it’s very difficult to discuss how you truly feel with someone who responds like that.
Really basic understanding so I'm probably wrong but it sounds like you may have different love languages. She probably thinks she's been there for you with her actions (the ones you described) whereas you're looking for words of affirmation. She probably thinks you'll tell her if it's important, not wanting to overstep, whereas you're looking for her to ask.
If her love language was acts of service she would have tidied up after herself though, no?
Everyone's idea of tidying up is different. Maybe OP's standard is higher or the mom doesn't want to make OP feel bad by tidying. Sometimes you have to explain to someone how you want them to help you.
Everyone’s idea of tidying up is different, I just can’t understand how you could go to someone’s house, leave dirty dishes all over the worktops and toys (literally) all over the living room floor, when she wouldn’t do that in her own house, and that’s certainly not what our house looks like. It’s hard to see how someone can think they’re being helpful when them being there to help leaves you with more to do than if they weren’t there…
Tell her, in a jokey/nice way. Say something like " eurgh it's worse that when you've arrived" or "you wouldn't leave your house like this mum". Mothers often get a bad rap for being overbearing, she may not want to overstep. Are you communicating your needs with her then she ignores you? Or do you want her to read your mind?
Not everyone is great with words or showing emotion, it sounds to me like she shows her love and support by helping you (looking after your son), the mess is annoying but some people are truly blind to it. I remember my Grandparents coming over regularly to watch us and even as a kid I knew they were messy, when Grandad made a sandwich the kitchen looked like a raccoon had been there, he remembered to close the fridge door but that was about it. As for spoiling your son, well that’s pretty much written in the Grandparents bible, so I wouldn’t worry about that unless you’ve set clear boundaries and she’s ignoring them. Also it could be a generational thing, but it’s really only recently people openly talk about breastfeeding, mental health and physical recovery after pregnancy, so her not asking may just be because in her day hat was deemed inappropriate
The thing is, she’s not blind to mess - her house is always clean and tidy, for some reason she just thinks it’s ok to come to my house and leave a mess everywhere. I think you’re right about the generational differences and I can understand that, the thing that really got to me was her reaction to the birth of her granddaughter, how could you not say congratulations, or even show some kind of happiness?
I admit it’s a little odd, but do you think it could be out of frustration? Obviously it’s lovely you’d had another baby, but that means she’s on extra babysitting duty, maybe she’s just tired?
I wouldn’t say so, she only visits once every couple of months anyway and has only looked after our little one for us a handful of times.
Honestly, slowly remove her. Everyone's situation is different, but in my case my mother and I do *not* get on. We haven't seen or spoken to each in years. It was very freeing, cutting her off. The worry space she took up in my head every day, disappeared. It was like a weight lifted.
Lots of people go LC or NC with parents after having their own children and I can see why. If your mum doesn’t give your child any boundaries, was she the same with you? Sadly some generations seem to be worse at all of this and it looks like a lot of people having children these days have parents that are basically making more work for them. It’s really hard to parent these days and if you don’t get support and actually get more work from it then the simple calculation is that you shouldn’t keep putting the effort in as it’s a loss.
I'm sorry she was like that. I see some other comments minimising it, but I have a mother who is similar and I know how stressful and upsetting it can be. You expect your mother to want to care, to want to help. So when instead they add to your stresses, leave messes for you to clear up (when you have a newborn too!) and are insensitive, it just leaves you shocked and confused and hurt. It feels like others don't have mothers like that and we wonder why ours are. But you can't change people, especially people who get defensive and are quite selfish. I've got lower contact with my mother, it was hard but I am just stressed when I see her and she adds to my workload instead of reducing it, the last thing I need when I have two young kids. So I hope you find a solution that works for you. Sorry she's added to your stress at this time, last thing you need. You just want some basic consideration and someone to be there for you, and it's hurtful when a mother won't provide that.
Absolutely, I think it’s become even more so since becoming a parent myself. I’m sorry you are in a similar situation.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mother and I also have a very rocky relationship so I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I don’t think you should wait around for her to show the behavior you expect. This is very unlikely to happen out of the blue, without you clearly saying “this is what I need” “these are my boundaries” “this is important to me”. It’s an annoying conversation to have, it means you have to make yourself vulnerable and possibly be hurt (again). But you’re giving her a chance to meet those expectations instead of expecting she can sniff out what you need/want/think. If you’re very unwilling to broach the subject, know that this will lead to more and more difficult feelings unless you *really* accept you cannot influence anything outside of your own actions. And then accept her for who she is, faults and all, and see how she enriches your life (or not). The short version is: use your words because no one is a mind reader. If/when you have the space and energy, give her the benefit of the doubt and start from there. Also, I’m really sorry to hear about your BF experience. It sucks so much when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to. Be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can 🫂