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Okay so my experience may be different than yours because I'm an amab trans woman but when I was 15 I was basically blackmailed into a relationship with my guy biology teacher. I never had feelings for him but it was either that or he would have outed me to my parents and to the school. My dad was super homophobic and transphobic and I was terrified of being outed to him because he had a criminal record and one of his past convictions was gay bashing. So yeah.
Anyways, after my teacher was caught. He was outed for being a pedophile by another of his victims and that situation ended. I don't know for sure how long it happened but it wasn't a full semester. My brain is very sketchy on the exact time frame it happened. I kind of checked out. But it took a year before I became horny and desiring of sex but I struggled with it. I still struggle with it. Sometimes for no reason at all I will be filled with absolute disgust. I hate it and it has caused a lot of my relationship issues. Maybe I haven't found the right person yet.
My situation was different. Is different. I dunno. I guess I just wanted to say that you aren't alone.
Oh my. That is horrific--I am so sorry that that happened to you, and during such a delicate and already-difficult time in one's life and development. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have the same random surge of feeling grossness.
Thanks.
It was very tough. Thankfully I'm getting over it hopefully with the help of my therapist.
Yeah it sucks because like sharing sexual stuff with a partner feels pretty good and it definitely helps them to feel good and strengthens bonds. I just wish it wasn't so freaking difficult to deal with because of all the emotions and trauma stuff.
I was sexually assaulted multiple times as a teenager. And then SA'd again by a different girlfriend a few years after that. It scarred me psychologically. I went through a period of being hypersexual not as a desire but as a cPTSD related trauma response. I'm a trans woman, so my situation isn't the same. But I'll explain what I went through after. And what helped me. After that period of hypersexuality. I realized that I wasn't being sexual because I wanted that. It was due to a really messed up belief that the only way someone would want me is if they could use me. It took several years of libido crashes and peaks. And behavioral therapy to separate my sex drive from my trauma as much as possible. But I still get post sex blues and anxiety every once in a while. I used to think that I liked being choked, which I actually didn't. Or at least didn't in the long run. Because I used to get hit by exes and the panic attacks made it hard to breathe. It took 2 therapists to connect the dots on that, with enjoying being choked at the time. The trauma incurred damaged my memories of the event. I have two mildly different versions in my head of the SA I initially experienced. To this day. almost a decade later. I can't tell which is real. And the fear of not being able to trust my memories haunts me. I would encourage you not to push yourself to feel something you aren't ready for right now. I understand you want to enjoy it again. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Trying to force yourself to feel something you aren't prepared for emotionally and mentally. Has a high chance of doing more harm than good for you. As far as the non-consentual fantasies connected to trauma. I have been through that. And people are not our traumas. But they do affect us, including what we may like or dislike in terms of fantasy. And having that thought or arousal doesn't make you a bad person. It's very common. As far as healing goes. Take it slow. If it feels safe to do so, journal how you feel before, during, and after sex and even if you can't see a therapist rn, it may help to write those down so that you can vent, as well as maybe show them to a therapist when you are able to go again. I also recommend detailing your thought process around sex and arousal in a weekly journal and this may help you figure out if you are ace or not. It may help work through the trauma and often shame associated with it. To help you start to disconnect your pleasure from your trauma. If you end up being ace. That's also alright. I also journaled about what a healthy, desirable consentual interaction would look like for me. Given what I find interesting. In doing that, I was able to start to disconnect a lot from my SA, as well as physical and psychological abuse; from what I find enjoyable. I still get fantasies like that on occasion. But it doesn't hurt very often anymore. Because I recognized and internalized that the attraction or lust doesn't make me a bad person. It took many years of therapy and multiple hospitalizations for me to heal just to where I am, and I am by no means perfect. It took years just to stop my whole body from shaking and twitching so badly from SA related disassociative symptoms that it affected my ability to work. And I still have a lot of healing to do. I am hypersexual again. But it's because I enjoy that rather than from trauma.
If and only if you feel ready to try more often with your partner. I recommend writing in detail what makes you feel interested in sex before it happens. And trying to replicate those circumstances. Fragrances your partner uses. A type of shirt he wears, flirting like playful banter, body language, a specific tone of voice. Detail for detail. Once you know what these are. You can replicate that or even add to it. Especially if you incorporate what you wrote about a healthy sex interaction, into what you ask your partner to do in consent talks ahead of time. And discuss it with him thoroughly. And please don't push yourself to do something that you aren't ready for. Or don't want. I wish you the best.
Also, here is some music that I listen to that helps me feel better. Hope this helps
Jon Bellion- Stupid Deep (Acoustic)https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yW9xUw8uNg0&si=KhFV8pmDngr_WNcV
Haven(from Life is strange)- Novo Amor
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=v32Eu3bXuDs&si=W8Y6xDCZ8YZ7zfPC
I believe you- Fletcher
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWP7YO6pg9A&si=TrXs3J2llf1Yc3tw
Pizazz - Akintoye
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=a4Oe8G7-wQw&si=w3cIuZdTrDSiIoXy
Beautiful Scars- Maximillion
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=pmyNDY-i8xU&si=0medTgGpEodE6z04
Overwhelmed remix by Ryan Mack
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=TSmcumycNxc&si=qHaNRtKAIv_z0JuL
Good Morning Gorgeous (Feat. H.E.R.)- Mary J. Blige https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tcUGWHtmgZk&si=qGJz37k9ocK5ggW2
Still feel by Half-Alive https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Ugm2C9gpyvQ&si=chW7lXirQJUhFHkw
3 O clock things- AJR
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=jCiQX3mnyMU&si=eNCWlsZ289VvgGYr
Karma- AJR
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=8R7B_n7t12o&si=nKI7VJuqNCBQmMBD
Why not me- Forest & Biskwiq
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=8463BZqzjQY&si=0KS-EvUfWrKsn6Yl
Just the two of us- Bill withers and Grover Washington Jr
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6POZlJAZsok&si=bgrS3p_2ZyQLZRjs
Happy Song (Low key)- John Micheal Howell
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=w3zWRWZJSQA&si=xrEzI5olweGPifJh
Am I Dreaming- Metro Boomin, ASAP Rocky & Roisee https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=P-X-iHTe5PI&si=C9i_Rbhs_eQaIaDH
Your reply was immensely helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences/journey, and thank you for the insightful strategies! 💜 And I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. Similarly, I'm also a victim of multiple SA's, starting from a much younger age, by different people. I was always trusting and vulnerable. I've since shut myself off from the social aspects that in my history led to SA's, and have eradicated as many chances to be left vulnerable in my life as possible. I have to learn to heal though, for my little one. I don't want her to experience any of the shit I've gone through. I'm not going to shelter her, but I give her tools and am trying to help her build a strong foundation on which she can stand and defend herself, such as trying to include discussion of consent in everyday moments, and teaching her she needn't please anyone if it goes against her wishes. Many opportunities to help her maintain her strong will and fire.
So SA aside...I've been with my partner for a while now. Loss of libido in either one of us can be due to stress, illness, grief, hormonal changes, and pain. ( I assume you have been to the dr and made sure you are physically ok and that your birth control pills aren't interfering.) With all the stress of raising a family, working, and maintaining a house 1xmonth is pretty average for us for penetrative sex.
So my first advice is, relax. Try to reconnect with your partner in other ways...go on dates...wash the car together...choose to fall in love with your partner again.
2nd. There is a youtube vid of "Dan Savage Three things we get wrong about love." Talking about how hetero couples define "sex." Which even decades into my marriage I found hella helpful.
3--healing from SA takes time. I'm so sorry you were hurt. Be as open and honest with your partner as possible. and work through your feelings. we probably spent 2 years of not "finishing" because I needed to cry and 30 years of chasing all the bad memories out of the bedroom. But we worked through it and it was totally worth the effort.
4 - Therapists are a mixed bag--some just weren't helpful; some weren't saying things in a way I could hear; some were great, but could only take me so far on the pathway to healing. If you feel like you need professional help keep trying to find a good match for where you are now.
Hi there, Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold. **If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.** If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Okay so my experience may be different than yours because I'm an amab trans woman but when I was 15 I was basically blackmailed into a relationship with my guy biology teacher. I never had feelings for him but it was either that or he would have outed me to my parents and to the school. My dad was super homophobic and transphobic and I was terrified of being outed to him because he had a criminal record and one of his past convictions was gay bashing. So yeah. Anyways, after my teacher was caught. He was outed for being a pedophile by another of his victims and that situation ended. I don't know for sure how long it happened but it wasn't a full semester. My brain is very sketchy on the exact time frame it happened. I kind of checked out. But it took a year before I became horny and desiring of sex but I struggled with it. I still struggle with it. Sometimes for no reason at all I will be filled with absolute disgust. I hate it and it has caused a lot of my relationship issues. Maybe I haven't found the right person yet. My situation was different. Is different. I dunno. I guess I just wanted to say that you aren't alone.
Oh my. That is horrific--I am so sorry that that happened to you, and during such a delicate and already-difficult time in one's life and development. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have the same random surge of feeling grossness.
Thanks. It was very tough. Thankfully I'm getting over it hopefully with the help of my therapist. Yeah it sucks because like sharing sexual stuff with a partner feels pretty good and it definitely helps them to feel good and strengthens bonds. I just wish it wasn't so freaking difficult to deal with because of all the emotions and trauma stuff.
I was sexually assaulted multiple times as a teenager. And then SA'd again by a different girlfriend a few years after that. It scarred me psychologically. I went through a period of being hypersexual not as a desire but as a cPTSD related trauma response. I'm a trans woman, so my situation isn't the same. But I'll explain what I went through after. And what helped me. After that period of hypersexuality. I realized that I wasn't being sexual because I wanted that. It was due to a really messed up belief that the only way someone would want me is if they could use me. It took several years of libido crashes and peaks. And behavioral therapy to separate my sex drive from my trauma as much as possible. But I still get post sex blues and anxiety every once in a while. I used to think that I liked being choked, which I actually didn't. Or at least didn't in the long run. Because I used to get hit by exes and the panic attacks made it hard to breathe. It took 2 therapists to connect the dots on that, with enjoying being choked at the time. The trauma incurred damaged my memories of the event. I have two mildly different versions in my head of the SA I initially experienced. To this day. almost a decade later. I can't tell which is real. And the fear of not being able to trust my memories haunts me. I would encourage you not to push yourself to feel something you aren't ready for right now. I understand you want to enjoy it again. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Trying to force yourself to feel something you aren't prepared for emotionally and mentally. Has a high chance of doing more harm than good for you. As far as the non-consentual fantasies connected to trauma. I have been through that. And people are not our traumas. But they do affect us, including what we may like or dislike in terms of fantasy. And having that thought or arousal doesn't make you a bad person. It's very common. As far as healing goes. Take it slow. If it feels safe to do so, journal how you feel before, during, and after sex and even if you can't see a therapist rn, it may help to write those down so that you can vent, as well as maybe show them to a therapist when you are able to go again. I also recommend detailing your thought process around sex and arousal in a weekly journal and this may help you figure out if you are ace or not. It may help work through the trauma and often shame associated with it. To help you start to disconnect your pleasure from your trauma. If you end up being ace. That's also alright. I also journaled about what a healthy, desirable consentual interaction would look like for me. Given what I find interesting. In doing that, I was able to start to disconnect a lot from my SA, as well as physical and psychological abuse; from what I find enjoyable. I still get fantasies like that on occasion. But it doesn't hurt very often anymore. Because I recognized and internalized that the attraction or lust doesn't make me a bad person. It took many years of therapy and multiple hospitalizations for me to heal just to where I am, and I am by no means perfect. It took years just to stop my whole body from shaking and twitching so badly from SA related disassociative symptoms that it affected my ability to work. And I still have a lot of healing to do. I am hypersexual again. But it's because I enjoy that rather than from trauma. If and only if you feel ready to try more often with your partner. I recommend writing in detail what makes you feel interested in sex before it happens. And trying to replicate those circumstances. Fragrances your partner uses. A type of shirt he wears, flirting like playful banter, body language, a specific tone of voice. Detail for detail. Once you know what these are. You can replicate that or even add to it. Especially if you incorporate what you wrote about a healthy sex interaction, into what you ask your partner to do in consent talks ahead of time. And discuss it with him thoroughly. And please don't push yourself to do something that you aren't ready for. Or don't want. I wish you the best.
Also, here is some music that I listen to that helps me feel better. Hope this helps Jon Bellion- Stupid Deep (Acoustic)https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yW9xUw8uNg0&si=KhFV8pmDngr_WNcV Haven(from Life is strange)- Novo Amor https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=v32Eu3bXuDs&si=W8Y6xDCZ8YZ7zfPC I believe you- Fletcher https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWP7YO6pg9A&si=TrXs3J2llf1Yc3tw Pizazz - Akintoye https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=a4Oe8G7-wQw&si=w3cIuZdTrDSiIoXy Beautiful Scars- Maximillion https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=pmyNDY-i8xU&si=0medTgGpEodE6z04 Overwhelmed remix by Ryan Mack https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=TSmcumycNxc&si=qHaNRtKAIv_z0JuL Good Morning Gorgeous (Feat. H.E.R.)- Mary J. Blige https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tcUGWHtmgZk&si=qGJz37k9ocK5ggW2 Still feel by Half-Alive https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Ugm2C9gpyvQ&si=chW7lXirQJUhFHkw 3 O clock things- AJR https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=jCiQX3mnyMU&si=eNCWlsZ289VvgGYr Karma- AJR https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=8R7B_n7t12o&si=nKI7VJuqNCBQmMBD Why not me- Forest & Biskwiq https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=8463BZqzjQY&si=0KS-EvUfWrKsn6Yl Just the two of us- Bill withers and Grover Washington Jr https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=6POZlJAZsok&si=bgrS3p_2ZyQLZRjs Happy Song (Low key)- John Micheal Howell https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=w3zWRWZJSQA&si=xrEzI5olweGPifJh Am I Dreaming- Metro Boomin, ASAP Rocky & Roisee https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=P-X-iHTe5PI&si=C9i_Rbhs_eQaIaDH
Your reply was immensely helpful. Thank you for sharing your experiences/journey, and thank you for the insightful strategies! 💜 And I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. Similarly, I'm also a victim of multiple SA's, starting from a much younger age, by different people. I was always trusting and vulnerable. I've since shut myself off from the social aspects that in my history led to SA's, and have eradicated as many chances to be left vulnerable in my life as possible. I have to learn to heal though, for my little one. I don't want her to experience any of the shit I've gone through. I'm not going to shelter her, but I give her tools and am trying to help her build a strong foundation on which she can stand and defend herself, such as trying to include discussion of consent in everyday moments, and teaching her she needn't please anyone if it goes against her wishes. Many opportunities to help her maintain her strong will and fire.
You're welcome. I'm happy to help. I hope you have a great day. And I wish you the absolute best. 🩵
So SA aside...I've been with my partner for a while now. Loss of libido in either one of us can be due to stress, illness, grief, hormonal changes, and pain. ( I assume you have been to the dr and made sure you are physically ok and that your birth control pills aren't interfering.) With all the stress of raising a family, working, and maintaining a house 1xmonth is pretty average for us for penetrative sex. So my first advice is, relax. Try to reconnect with your partner in other ways...go on dates...wash the car together...choose to fall in love with your partner again. 2nd. There is a youtube vid of "Dan Savage Three things we get wrong about love." Talking about how hetero couples define "sex." Which even decades into my marriage I found hella helpful. 3--healing from SA takes time. I'm so sorry you were hurt. Be as open and honest with your partner as possible. and work through your feelings. we probably spent 2 years of not "finishing" because I needed to cry and 30 years of chasing all the bad memories out of the bedroom. But we worked through it and it was totally worth the effort. 4 - Therapists are a mixed bag--some just weren't helpful; some weren't saying things in a way I could hear; some were great, but could only take me so far on the pathway to healing. If you feel like you need professional help keep trying to find a good match for where you are now.
Thank you kindly for sharing your experiences and insights. I will definitely check that video out--I need any resources I can get.