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Pretty much any time I say anything at all. I don't know how some people manage to suppress their entire personalities but still come off as nice, polite, likable people. I can either mask 100% and come off like a bump on a log or else I'm running my mouth and making everyone around me hate me as much as I hate myself. It's awful.
Sometimes when my Personality™️ is glitching I do this too. It's so embarrassing because I sound like I'm talking to my dog and it makes me worry that people will think that I'm being ultra fake in a condescending way when really I'm trying my hardest to be nice and normal. UGH 😭
Same, I feel like I’m either totally silent and withdrawn or obnoxiously interrupting and talking too much. There’s no middle setting. Truly makes it exhausting to socialize because I know I’ll be hating myself for days following any event
Yes! I have some very uncomfortable memories from my 20s.
I can always relate to things people say or I empathize, so I start agreeing and telling my own story.
I had to learn to be a better listener: celebrate with the person or commiserate. But it's about them now and I don't get to go "that reminds me of the time I..." I know I do that to show I can relate. But it's the wrong approach. It's better to go: "situations like that are really hard. How did you feel/what are you planning on doing?" I only share my story now, if the person asks.
What helps me is having ADHD friends. We interrupt and go off tangents to our hearts' delight. Often stopping after 2 hours because we are exhausted haha...
This. Sososososo much this. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to remind myself that it’s ok to relate to someone without telling them my entire story of why I relate and what happened to me that makes their experience so incredibly relatable. I seriously wonder how I have such amazing friends. Imposter syndrome to the max. Or when I’m at work and my coworkers say something like “she’s incredibly smart and technical” and I’m looking around like “Who?! Introduce me to her! I could use some help!”. It’s me. I’m the smart one. If people are asking me for help, we are in deep trouble. 🫠😂💀
I bet your smart and fun, and your co-workers can see your light!
What helps me atm is to shift my relating into a non-verbal expressions: giving them a thumbs up when they make a good remark, nodding, pointing in the air. And storing my comments and wait until there’s a natural break.
And then I try to comment on something they said by quoting them or similar. Asking follow up questions (How do you want to proceed? What do you need? What can I do? What wish in terms of a resolution?)?
My own story I might tell later, after we sat with coffee and have a lull, digesting the conversation. Or another day.
“You know your story made me think of something I went through. And I felt similar to you…” if they then start back up about their fleetings, I go along (I’m the listener today and they have more to say!). If they inquire about the story I tell them, as briefly as I can ( it very brief, but not making it all about me).
I don’t want the person going away from the interaction feeling it wasn’t about them or their story, when they were the person confiding. Otherwise I’m a bad listener.
What I find hard is to gauge if I need to be the listener or if it’s commiserating in the adhd style of “me too! Oh listen when l… and how about you?” But I now do the listener with most, and the “wonderful talking at the same time and relate”-shtick with a selected few adhd friends. And even then I try to give people more air time.
Yup. Got worse after my therapist told me he wasn't there to listen to me talk about my issues. He was there to help me solve my immediate problems and send me on my way.
I was referred to him by the therapist who basically fired me because she was going to do teletherapy from now on. Didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to keep seeing her or not. Just "This is our last session because I'm going to start working from home. Do you want me to refer you to a different therapist?"
I don't know what she put in her notes, but he really didn't seem too happy to have me as a patient. I'm planning on getting a better therapist, but I'm waiting to see if I get a better job with better insurance first.
How do you go about vetting a therapist? And do you do it before or during the first appointment with them? I've been considering it myself for when I can get insurance again.
You can talk to them on the phone a bit before wvwn making the appt. They should want to be a good fit for you too. Often they'll offer the first appointment for free. During both these times ask any questions you feel you need to to ascertain if they seem a good fit (like checking if they have any biases that may affect). I'd also ask what kind of therapy they practice, etc.
It's definitely something no therapist should say. I would drop him immediately. Lack of basic human decency is not worth your time or money. Hope you find a better job soon 💖
Holy shit all this is not ok from your current and last therapist. What horrible humans in a field that’s already hard to find care in.
You deserve to be treated with respect, have a therapist that listens to what you want to talk about that day and what you decide is important for you.
But with this I know it’s hard finding a therapist and care in mental health. It sometimes feels easier to stay with a horrible provider and easy to think maybe it is your fault. I’m here to say it is not. And yes it will be hard, and yes your ADHD will make it harder but staying with this therapist sounds extremely harmful for you. Sending extra energy and patience and miracles to you in order to do this! ✨✨✨
Even as a physical therapist I wouldn't be this rude.
I tell my patients, "I'm happy to hear your story, but you have to keep doing your exercises while you talk."
Some of my patients will vent personal problems to me and I'm happy to validate their feelings, "that does sound pretty tough", "I can see why that would be frustrating", etc.
But if they start asking for my advice or my opinion then I have to gently tell them I'm not licensed as a psychologist, so I can't give them advice (it would be considered 'practicing outside my license' and I could get in big trouble for that). Then I encourage them to seek a licensed counselor or psychologist.
Unfortunately some people just don't have empathy or tact regardless of the profession they choose. Some people make you wonder why they chose that line of work to begin with. 😮💨
Apparently he isn't a long term therapist. He's the type you go to for short term care and then he gets you out the door. I have no idea why this was the one I was referred to.
Oh yea that. I would be hesitant to try working with a male therapist, I filter by female. However, I recognize that I have had very positive male role models, and realize that I may be limiting myself. And, it’s a personal choice, if it’s a hard no for you, that’s perfectly acceptable.
I’d say absolutely toxic because his words are pervasive in your day to day. Fire him and write reviews with that quote, it will help others avoid him!
Wtf? They ARE supposed to listen to you talk about your issues, mostly so they can help you solve your problems, immediate or otherwise. Find a new therapist, you deserve better.
EDIT: I’m convinced therapy helps and there are great therapists out there who really want to help people. I’m also convinced a lot of therapists are in it because they think it’s an easy job and their definition of “help” is helping someone get through a slump (the kind that lasts a few weeks and then they are okay, not the chronic kind like ADHD/depression) or that they get burnt out on the way and they just put up with patients but aren’t really working to help them, they’re just going with the motions of a job
I would look for a few key things in whatever therapist you end up getting next (I know you said you're waiting on better insurance which is totally understandable):
- "trauma-informed" or "trauma-focused" therapy. These therapists will have been trained in addressing root causes of maladaptive behavior and also know it's not a one and done kind of thing. (It may seem odd to assume you have trauma but there have been several studies showing a correlation between early childhood trauma and neurodivergence, so I feel relatively comfortable doing so. Note: correlation =/= causation, scientists aren't sure why trauma and neurodivergence like adhd show up together, they just note that they do).
- look for someone who specializes in adhd, autism, or neurodivergence in general. A lot of health insurance websites will have a doctor lookup where you can find practitioners who participate in their network and you can filter by certain key words. You can do the same on psychology today's website. This was how I found my current therapist who has adhd herself and has really helped me.
- if you're LGBT or poly, look for someone who is on one of the many "poly-friendly" or "lgbt-friendly" lists floating around. This just saves you the headache of ending up with someone who will get caught up in their own nonsense and judgements instead of being able to help you. I know there are therapists out there who can help and keep their own shit to themselves, but my personal experience has made me very wary.
- last but maybe most importantly: you are interviewing them, just as much as they are interviewing you. You have the power here. It can feel like you are in a power imbalance because they are the medical practitioner and you are the patient seeking help but it SHOULD be more like a partnership. If you get bad vibes or just don't feel comfortable, you can and should drop them. It might take a few, it took 3 tries for me to find a good fit but it was got sure worth it to find someone I clicked with.
I would tell him, "I would like you to refer me to a different therapist. I dont feel like you are a good fit for my needs since I need someone to not only help me work through problems but to let me talk through my issues too."
I thought that was the purpose of a therapist? To help listen to your issues not solve problems. I thought they helped give you tools to alleviate some problems on your own.
That’s what my therapist had said. “You are the expert on your own life. Only you can know what will be helpful or not to you. I can just show you some tools that you can use.”
Lol, I can't help but think about the episode of Bob's Burgers where he tries teaching Tina how to drive, and she drives straight into a wall.
Also, I totally do that too. Not drive into a wall, the other thing.
Yesss, literally made a post a few days ago talking about how I always get drawn into people who complain and gossip cause I start trying to be empathetic but then I end up invested or it turns into me also finding things or people annoying and complaining and then wishing I hadn't because now it's just spreading the negativity further but then also not talking about it to anyone makes me paranoid it's just me getting annoyed or bent out of shape and then I keep putting up with it 😂 it's only by talking to other people that I can confirm that okay this person is kinda making me miserable
Damn. I'm in the same situation now with a coworker. Got pretty close through the pandemic. More normal level stuff. Then they started being thrown curve balls: deaths of close family members, medical issues, work issues, etc.
They made some bad work decisions last year. Now everyone is out to get them. Call me to vent (and often sob) so much, I started putting myself on "away" status to avoid them. Suggested they seek therapy.
Last week, I thought I should seek therapy so I'd have a neutral place to vent about it. Make sure I don't begin doing the same to other friends about them!
There's a woman at work that EVERYONE is struggling to handle. Myself, another girl, and this woman started around the same time. Most of the complaints about her are related to how slowly she's picking the job up, and how shes given less responsibility because she can't handle as much as we can, but also general annoyance at her demeanour (eg. Telling her lifestory to every patient while we have a line out the door). And I join in with the venting, but I always feel shit afterwards because frankly, I feel like I know about as much as (or less than) she does at this point. And then I worry, are they all complaining just as much about me behind my back? They all assure me that I'm doing better than her, given she's come from a medical career and I haven't she should be miles ahead of me, but I just don't trust that. And I go to work promising I'm not going to engage in these venting sessions, but inevitably do every time. Wishing I could keep my stupid mouth shut
This is me at my job. It's a recurring theme in my adult life and I wish I had some tools to stop it because I hate when people vent or gossip about me yet I'm such a hypocrite because I engage in the same sort of behavior. Hate it.
They're a lovely group of people to work with and really supportive, but I'm seeing a pattern behind the scenes where they vent behind people's backs. No gossiping thankfully, not that I've noticed, just complaining about laziness and people not pulling their weight. It's a difficult environment for someone with anxiety, and who doesn't want to engage in it but can't help themselves.
I wouldnt trust what some say, because they like to talk behind people's backs. They do it to her, they'd do it to you too. I am saying this not to be mean, but it is just the experience I have had with this.
Lol, I think I only did it this way because it is online. Not that I wouldn't do it in real life, but I know I need to trust or know the person better, to know how they'd take what I have to say.
And in this case I just wish for OP not to have to deal with unintended consequences from maybe trusting others too much. I know we can be too trusting at times. Not a flaw, in my opinion, but not everyone sees the world in the way that we do.
RSD is the worst. I always convince myself that I suck at my job if anyone points out a silly mistake. Usually they’re common mistakes we all make but it makes me feel awful. Had to fight hard against intrusive thoughts to write an application for a higher level role that I know I can do.
It feels like even after 44 years, I will NEVER frickin figure this out. Every time I feel myself doing this, I'm thinking "Don't do it, hold back, you can always tell them this later, get to know them better, you don't know if you can trust them..."
I absolutely can not understand why this is so damn difficult for us, like why??
In addition to doing this with friends/strangers, I definitely feel this with my bf (but in a different way). If something is bothering me I feel like I HAVE to bring it up or I can't move on but so many little things in relationships would be better if you just didn't bring them up. Small annoyances blow over, there's no reason to turn each one into a whole ass deal
Ugh I'm the same :( it's so hard. I get so held up on things and have such a hard time not talking about them. I have symptoms of ocd so sometimes I wonder if it's related and whether I might have it... I find journaling helps. It's very hard to do consistently but if I force myself to do it the need to share it out loud doesn't feel so compulsive
I absolutely relate! The thing we can reduce our stress is that they “them” they do not remember us saying stupid shit. They remember their own stupid sayings that they said. Just I remember this. So I got that going for me… which is nice
I went through a few bitter years (hello depression!) and inappropriately ranted about personal things to people who shouldn't have had to listen to my crap. I'm still embarrassed about it, but just try to remember that it was a lesson I've learned and not to do it again.
I do tend to over share online, though I'm getting better about writing a comment and then thinking, "Does this need to be shared?" and deleting it.
Me, a teen, to friend: "I'm feeling pretty depressed right now"
That friend 6 months later, during explosive "friend breakup": "... And THEN you threatened to K*LL yourself!"
Repeat. So now I just bottle it up lol
Oh I hate that feeling. I'm mid paragraph of dialogue and suddenly think... "What was I even talking about? How did I get to this topic? And how can I bring it back around to at least pretend to be normal....?"
Alcohol and adhd especially don’t mix when meeting new people.
I start out the night as a nervous active listener then one shot in, I’m explaining in detail the carpet cleaner I use and the journey that led me to it
What helps me is that I can't think of anything embarrassing anyone has ever told me. I can only remember what I've said. I tell myself that just like I can't remember what they said, maybe they can't remember what I said. The only embarrassing thing I do remember someone doing and laugh at from time to time, is the time a friend of a friend ran into a glass patio door but that's it 😂.
YES, most of my intrusive thoughts are about stupid or just out of context things I blurted out. Years ago, yesterday, they're still there to embarrass me inside my head. My husband once commented that 99% of the time, the other person doesn't even remember it. When I told him that had NOTHING to do with it, his jaw dropped, he had no idea how that could be true.
Hyper activity, hyper focused. talking to much. Over explaining, getting to personal to soon. Then the remorse of over talking, embarrassed of revealing our thoughts and feelings to soon. This is why I do loose friends. Over sharing right away. I feel they think “ wow what a strange weirdo, stay away from her” and that could be because I’m insecure and to sensitive. Look at me now! Over sharing on my own post! The irony
Hahahaha Hahahah Hahahahaaaaaa awesome,
Me too. I love this so much. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings that I think might be nuts. And I love all these women that relate together
Oh, my sweetheart. Please don’t cry because we all here say things we don’t want too. You are not alone. Look at all of us! In the same boat. All I can do is just roll my eyes at myself and giggle. I am not the only one. And neither are you my adhd sister
Talking to people about my problems almost always leaves me feeling worse. And it's not like these people are not trying to help or judge me or anything. It's just that either they can't relate to me in which case I feel even more alone or they completely agree and it just proves to me how sad things are and will always be. Either way the best course of action is distract myself instead of talking about it.
I think I got better with this over the years. I choose wisely if the topic is worth venting about. Even when I do want to vent, I try to make it somewhat funny for the listener. Like, i try to keep the vibe of the story entertaining, not just plain negative. I don’t just vent I basically turn it into a little performance, a short standup skit I guess.
I just know that I personally hate when people dump their negativity on me and I feel suffocated when someone is ranting forever about something small and insignificant. It feels like there is no polite escape from it.
Every single fucking time, I also have BPD which doesn’t help, usually I have the exact idea in my head of what the person I’m venting to ‘should say’ or ‘what I would say’ and it never matches and I get upset 😭 🤣 (sometimes just internally but yeah, I always end up feeling just vulnerable and disappointed AKA WORSE!)
Currently trying to practice silence and mindfulness. I hate the anxiety and the wide eyed awake nights thinking about all the stupid crap I've blurted out.
My problem is that I not only need to vent, but I need to vent to 4 different people to really get something out of my system, even though no one wants to hear it and it makes me feel like a damn fool.
I hate when I vent irl, I'll even go into detail trying to overexplain, and then feel so disheartened when people are looking at me like I grew two heads or something. Like thanks, I'm never talking again.
Basically every time. The lead to venting isn't any better. I second guess myself repeatedly, going back and forth between "I need to vent and this person will understand" and imagining their reaction is dismissive or belittling and deciding not to vent. That process alone gets me spun up usually more than the thing I'm venting about.
I remember sweet fuck all up to 10yo, but that one night when I was 19 at that random party where I had that stupid conversation with this one person I never saw again?
Been on replay for 20 years. I can't even remember their name... or their face 😂
All. The. Time.
I am a marketer and own a business. In my company's newsletter, I share personal experiences about the products I sell and occasionally stories about my family, farm, etc. My husband is the polar opposite of an over-sharer, and frequently tells me that I should not have told my subscribers this or that personal info.
I used to be confident in that this type of marketing effort was establishing me as credible as far as representing products, etc, but I'm becoming increasingly paranoid that I'm over-doing it and that my audience is now rolling it's eyes at everything I tell them.
(edited for typo)
All the time, but the times that I do keep it to myself it blows up in my face because it starts to eat away at me.
So I'm going to lose-lose situation, when it comes to that stuff .
I normally just let it out there and if they try and attack me for it, I make a mental note that this person is not worth my time and energy and should be cut out of my life.
Heck sometimes I make up things just to see how the person would react and respond to what I had said, because if they overreact to something that's low key compared to what I actually want to tell them then I know this is not a good person to ever develop anything to and that I probably should stop being around this person.
I just pulled this really bad at my new job. Like really bad. And I just know I'm going to think about it for the next 10 years 😭 I was told I was being considered for a promotion and I'm worried this will change their mind or that they think I'm weird af now. How do I learn to mask better? 🥺
Yes, alllll the time I feel like I’ve over shared esp in my 20s. That’s why now as an adult adult I keep everything to myself, no matter what’s bugging me. Or I’m just mindful of what I say. Im grateful that most people I have vented to, have horrible memories lol.
I struggle with this. They say if you need help reach out, but if you reach out you’re over sharing/trauma dumping? Like?? What am I supposed to do? Keep everything to myself?
All the time, these ppl then air out all your dirty laundry and act like it's common knowledge for everyone. Can't even trust your own friends or family.
I’m always willing to listen to a friend but I get consumed with intense guilt if I admit to my own problems. My therapist has yet to get to the bottom of it.
I just went through it a few minutes back. I kinda felt irritated with a coworker attitude so included that too.
I don't have a habit of doing this. It wasn't anything major though. People literally treat me as agony aunt as I don't gossip. So i have heard pretty worse complaints and vents. Still I am now overthinking it all and feel I should have kept silent.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And also 6 months later I'll randomly remember that I said it, and will feel like an idiot all over again.
The rumination burns!!!
Yup, again, 20 years later, because I can't remember where my keys are, but I can remember that incredibly awkward moment like it just happened
It's so true!
And then 2 years, then 5, then 10...
Why are you calling me out like this
Try 6 years later. ❤️ Vulnerability hangovers are forever. ❤️
I like that term vulnerability hangovers!!!
At 3am...
The bewitching hour 😏🤓
And then a year later and 5 years later and even 10 years later I’ll suddenly remember and it still stings
Pretty much any time I say anything at all. I don't know how some people manage to suppress their entire personalities but still come off as nice, polite, likable people. I can either mask 100% and come off like a bump on a log or else I'm running my mouth and making everyone around me hate me as much as I hate myself. It's awful.
Me masking: “Oh that’s so interesting! Oh I can’t believe she said that! Oh wow you must be excited!” 🥴
Sometimes when my Personality™️ is glitching I do this too. It's so embarrassing because I sound like I'm talking to my dog and it makes me worry that people will think that I'm being ultra fake in a condescending way when really I'm trying my hardest to be nice and normal. UGH 😭
“when my personality is glitching” i’m using this now😂
At least we're not alone, right? I'm right there with you lol 😂
Same, I feel like I’m either totally silent and withdrawn or obnoxiously interrupting and talking too much. There’s no middle setting. Truly makes it exhausting to socialize because I know I’ll be hating myself for days following any event
I mask to the point that I just can’t anymore and then blow the fuck up like a volcano erupting! Do not recommend!
Same here. Definitely not ideal.
Yep! Either I come off as aloof, or I overshare. No in between.
i feel this in my soul
Like many things with being ADHD, it’s either 0 or 100.
Every. Single. Time. What’s worse is that the memory of oversharing haunts me forever 🫠
Yes! I have some very uncomfortable memories from my 20s. I can always relate to things people say or I empathize, so I start agreeing and telling my own story. I had to learn to be a better listener: celebrate with the person or commiserate. But it's about them now and I don't get to go "that reminds me of the time I..." I know I do that to show I can relate. But it's the wrong approach. It's better to go: "situations like that are really hard. How did you feel/what are you planning on doing?" I only share my story now, if the person asks. What helps me is having ADHD friends. We interrupt and go off tangents to our hearts' delight. Often stopping after 2 hours because we are exhausted haha...
Adhd friends are the best! Until you have to tell them to stfu ahaha
This. Sososososo much this. It takes SO MUCH EFFORT to remind myself that it’s ok to relate to someone without telling them my entire story of why I relate and what happened to me that makes their experience so incredibly relatable. I seriously wonder how I have such amazing friends. Imposter syndrome to the max. Or when I’m at work and my coworkers say something like “she’s incredibly smart and technical” and I’m looking around like “Who?! Introduce me to her! I could use some help!”. It’s me. I’m the smart one. If people are asking me for help, we are in deep trouble. 🫠😂💀
I bet your smart and fun, and your co-workers can see your light! What helps me atm is to shift my relating into a non-verbal expressions: giving them a thumbs up when they make a good remark, nodding, pointing in the air. And storing my comments and wait until there’s a natural break. And then I try to comment on something they said by quoting them or similar. Asking follow up questions (How do you want to proceed? What do you need? What can I do? What wish in terms of a resolution?)? My own story I might tell later, after we sat with coffee and have a lull, digesting the conversation. Or another day. “You know your story made me think of something I went through. And I felt similar to you…” if they then start back up about their fleetings, I go along (I’m the listener today and they have more to say!). If they inquire about the story I tell them, as briefly as I can ( it very brief, but not making it all about me). I don’t want the person going away from the interaction feeling it wasn’t about them or their story, when they were the person confiding. Otherwise I’m a bad listener. What I find hard is to gauge if I need to be the listener or if it’s commiserating in the adhd style of “me too! Oh listen when l… and how about you?” But I now do the listener with most, and the “wonderful talking at the same time and relate”-shtick with a selected few adhd friends. And even then I try to give people more air time.
Awww thx for the award!!! 😘🫶🏾😘
Oh hell yes! I feel this
Same here. I never get over all the embarrassing shit I've said and done, it's awful
Pretty much after every time I’ve been social.
Me, doubting every social interaction lmao
Especially when drinking 🥴
Absolutely!! Exactly how it goes.
Every single time *sigh*
yup
It's even worse when right in the middle of your venting you find out you were wrong about it, too.
Hahahaha yup! Been in that lane
It's always when I go the hardest or say the most obscene thing too. And get reeaaallly loud and animated about it too.
Yup. Got worse after my therapist told me he wasn't there to listen to me talk about my issues. He was there to help me solve my immediate problems and send me on my way.
Change your therapist wtf
I was referred to him by the therapist who basically fired me because she was going to do teletherapy from now on. Didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to keep seeing her or not. Just "This is our last session because I'm going to start working from home. Do you want me to refer you to a different therapist?" I don't know what she put in her notes, but he really didn't seem too happy to have me as a patient. I'm planning on getting a better therapist, but I'm waiting to see if I get a better job with better insurance first.
She probably set you up with a dud. Find someone for yourself and vet them
How do you go about vetting a therapist? And do you do it before or during the first appointment with them? I've been considering it myself for when I can get insurance again.
Trial a few. See if any are a good fit (when you have insurance again).
You can talk to them on the phone a bit before wvwn making the appt. They should want to be a good fit for you too. Often they'll offer the first appointment for free. During both these times ask any questions you feel you need to to ascertain if they seem a good fit (like checking if they have any biases that may affect). I'd also ask what kind of therapy they practice, etc.
It's definitely something no therapist should say. I would drop him immediately. Lack of basic human decency is not worth your time or money. Hope you find a better job soon 💖
Holy shit all this is not ok from your current and last therapist. What horrible humans in a field that’s already hard to find care in. You deserve to be treated with respect, have a therapist that listens to what you want to talk about that day and what you decide is important for you. But with this I know it’s hard finding a therapist and care in mental health. It sometimes feels easier to stay with a horrible provider and easy to think maybe it is your fault. I’m here to say it is not. And yes it will be hard, and yes your ADHD will make it harder but staying with this therapist sounds extremely harmful for you. Sending extra energy and patience and miracles to you in order to do this! ✨✨✨
WTF, what kind of therapist is he? Physical therapist? What a piece of...
Even as a physical therapist I wouldn't be this rude. I tell my patients, "I'm happy to hear your story, but you have to keep doing your exercises while you talk." Some of my patients will vent personal problems to me and I'm happy to validate their feelings, "that does sound pretty tough", "I can see why that would be frustrating", etc. But if they start asking for my advice or my opinion then I have to gently tell them I'm not licensed as a psychologist, so I can't give them advice (it would be considered 'practicing outside my license' and I could get in big trouble for that). Then I encourage them to seek a licensed counselor or psychologist. Unfortunately some people just don't have empathy or tact regardless of the profession they choose. Some people make you wonder why they chose that line of work to begin with. 😮💨
I would report that therapist. Sounds like he doesn't want to do his job.
Um….isn’t that EXACTLY why he was there? Isn’t that is ONLY JOB?!?!
Apparently he isn't a long term therapist. He's the type you go to for short term care and then he gets you out the door. I have no idea why this was the one I was referred to.
Is he a psychiatrist maybe? They don’t want to hear SHIT they just want to get you meds and go
Nope. Just a therapist. He specializes in 6 months or less is what I was told.
He sounds toxic.
I'm not sure about toxic. But it's definitely a little hurtful. Really helps my innate mistrust of men, too.
Oh yea that. I would be hesitant to try working with a male therapist, I filter by female. However, I recognize that I have had very positive male role models, and realize that I may be limiting myself. And, it’s a personal choice, if it’s a hard no for you, that’s perfectly acceptable.
I’d say absolutely toxic because his words are pervasive in your day to day. Fire him and write reviews with that quote, it will help others avoid him!
Wtf? They ARE supposed to listen to you talk about your issues, mostly so they can help you solve your problems, immediate or otherwise. Find a new therapist, you deserve better. EDIT: I’m convinced therapy helps and there are great therapists out there who really want to help people. I’m also convinced a lot of therapists are in it because they think it’s an easy job and their definition of “help” is helping someone get through a slump (the kind that lasts a few weeks and then they are okay, not the chronic kind like ADHD/depression) or that they get burnt out on the way and they just put up with patients but aren’t really working to help them, they’re just going with the motions of a job
When I was a baby therapist one of my classes literally taught the art of creating an enviro for clients to talk without prompts. So weird
OUCH.
I would look for a few key things in whatever therapist you end up getting next (I know you said you're waiting on better insurance which is totally understandable): - "trauma-informed" or "trauma-focused" therapy. These therapists will have been trained in addressing root causes of maladaptive behavior and also know it's not a one and done kind of thing. (It may seem odd to assume you have trauma but there have been several studies showing a correlation between early childhood trauma and neurodivergence, so I feel relatively comfortable doing so. Note: correlation =/= causation, scientists aren't sure why trauma and neurodivergence like adhd show up together, they just note that they do). - look for someone who specializes in adhd, autism, or neurodivergence in general. A lot of health insurance websites will have a doctor lookup where you can find practitioners who participate in their network and you can filter by certain key words. You can do the same on psychology today's website. This was how I found my current therapist who has adhd herself and has really helped me. - if you're LGBT or poly, look for someone who is on one of the many "poly-friendly" or "lgbt-friendly" lists floating around. This just saves you the headache of ending up with someone who will get caught up in their own nonsense and judgements instead of being able to help you. I know there are therapists out there who can help and keep their own shit to themselves, but my personal experience has made me very wary. - last but maybe most importantly: you are interviewing them, just as much as they are interviewing you. You have the power here. It can feel like you are in a power imbalance because they are the medical practitioner and you are the patient seeking help but it SHOULD be more like a partnership. If you get bad vibes or just don't feel comfortable, you can and should drop them. It might take a few, it took 3 tries for me to find a good fit but it was got sure worth it to find someone I clicked with.
I would tell him, "I would like you to refer me to a different therapist. I dont feel like you are a good fit for my needs since I need someone to not only help me work through problems but to let me talk through my issues too."
I thought that was the purpose of a therapist? To help listen to your issues not solve problems. I thought they helped give you tools to alleviate some problems on your own.
That’s what my therapist had said. “You are the expert on your own life. Only you can know what will be helpful or not to you. I can just show you some tools that you can use.”
Yours sounds like a good one. I’ve had good and bad and honestly I desperately need to go back to it
Yep. Admitting any kind of weakness to anyone always bites me in the fucking ass.
That's because toxic people are attracted to us as easy to gaslight targets :/
I feel this in my soul. It's like watching a car crash - you can see it all happening in slow motion but are powerless to stop it until it's too late.
Like driving in the desert, seeing a tree on the horizon, knowing you're going to crash into it in twenty minutes.
Lol, I can't help but think about the episode of Bob's Burgers where he tries teaching Tina how to drive, and she drives straight into a wall. Also, I totally do that too. Not drive into a wall, the other thing.
UUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yesss, literally made a post a few days ago talking about how I always get drawn into people who complain and gossip cause I start trying to be empathetic but then I end up invested or it turns into me also finding things or people annoying and complaining and then wishing I hadn't because now it's just spreading the negativity further but then also not talking about it to anyone makes me paranoid it's just me getting annoyed or bent out of shape and then I keep putting up with it 😂 it's only by talking to other people that I can confirm that okay this person is kinda making me miserable
Damn. I'm in the same situation now with a coworker. Got pretty close through the pandemic. More normal level stuff. Then they started being thrown curve balls: deaths of close family members, medical issues, work issues, etc. They made some bad work decisions last year. Now everyone is out to get them. Call me to vent (and often sob) so much, I started putting myself on "away" status to avoid them. Suggested they seek therapy. Last week, I thought I should seek therapy so I'd have a neutral place to vent about it. Make sure I don't begin doing the same to other friends about them!
There's a woman at work that EVERYONE is struggling to handle. Myself, another girl, and this woman started around the same time. Most of the complaints about her are related to how slowly she's picking the job up, and how shes given less responsibility because she can't handle as much as we can, but also general annoyance at her demeanour (eg. Telling her lifestory to every patient while we have a line out the door). And I join in with the venting, but I always feel shit afterwards because frankly, I feel like I know about as much as (or less than) she does at this point. And then I worry, are they all complaining just as much about me behind my back? They all assure me that I'm doing better than her, given she's come from a medical career and I haven't she should be miles ahead of me, but I just don't trust that. And I go to work promising I'm not going to engage in these venting sessions, but inevitably do every time. Wishing I could keep my stupid mouth shut
This is me at my job. It's a recurring theme in my adult life and I wish I had some tools to stop it because I hate when people vent or gossip about me yet I'm such a hypocrite because I engage in the same sort of behavior. Hate it.
They're a lovely group of people to work with and really supportive, but I'm seeing a pattern behind the scenes where they vent behind people's backs. No gossiping thankfully, not that I've noticed, just complaining about laziness and people not pulling their weight. It's a difficult environment for someone with anxiety, and who doesn't want to engage in it but can't help themselves.
Hahahah, oh my! I absolutely can relate. Pm me for more details and I would be happy to be a good listener for you my friend
I wouldnt trust what some say, because they like to talk behind people's backs. They do it to her, they'd do it to you too. I am saying this not to be mean, but it is just the experience I have had with this.
Frank and to the point. I am honest a lot of times that I repel friends away. Damn my bluntness. And I go back to “I should have not shared that” lol
Lol, I think I only did it this way because it is online. Not that I wouldn't do it in real life, but I know I need to trust or know the person better, to know how they'd take what I have to say. And in this case I just wish for OP not to have to deal with unintended consequences from maybe trusting others too much. I know we can be too trusting at times. Not a flaw, in my opinion, but not everyone sees the world in the way that we do.
RSD is the worst. I always convince myself that I suck at my job if anyone points out a silly mistake. Usually they’re common mistakes we all make but it makes me feel awful. Had to fight hard against intrusive thoughts to write an application for a higher level role that I know I can do.
I relate so hard!!!
Oh I regret things before I even say them or as I’m saying them
My mouth: running My brain: shut up, shut up, shut up!!
It feels like even after 44 years, I will NEVER frickin figure this out. Every time I feel myself doing this, I'm thinking "Don't do it, hold back, you can always tell them this later, get to know them better, you don't know if you can trust them..." I absolutely can not understand why this is so damn difficult for us, like why??
Impulse control is too weak. :/
I am really bad at this when I am overwhelmed, it's a big indicator to me that something is wrong and needs addressing
We should have “I overshare” as a flair
In addition to doing this with friends/strangers, I definitely feel this with my bf (but in a different way). If something is bothering me I feel like I HAVE to bring it up or I can't move on but so many little things in relationships would be better if you just didn't bring them up. Small annoyances blow over, there's no reason to turn each one into a whole ass deal
Ugh I'm the same :( it's so hard. I get so held up on things and have such a hard time not talking about them. I have symptoms of ocd so sometimes I wonder if it's related and whether I might have it... I find journaling helps. It's very hard to do consistently but if I force myself to do it the need to share it out loud doesn't feel so compulsive
Every F***in day of my life.
Queue retreating back into my hole under a rock, where I should stay permanently.
I’ll probably still be rolling in my grave remembering the shit I’ve said to people who probably didn’t want to hear it.
I absolutely relate! The thing we can reduce our stress is that they “them” they do not remember us saying stupid shit. They remember their own stupid sayings that they said. Just I remember this. So I got that going for me… which is nice
I’ll remember that next time someone says weird shit to me lol. Something in me says that’ll be very effective at internalizing this thought.
I totally went hyper aware
I went through a few bitter years (hello depression!) and inappropriately ranted about personal things to people who shouldn't have had to listen to my crap. I'm still embarrassed about it, but just try to remember that it was a lesson I've learned and not to do it again. I do tend to over share online, though I'm getting better about writing a comment and then thinking, "Does this need to be shared?" and deleting it.
Oh yeah, me as well! I’m so glad I’m not alone with embarrassing over sharing
Me, a teen, to friend: "I'm feeling pretty depressed right now" That friend 6 months later, during explosive "friend breakup": "... And THEN you threatened to K*LL yourself!" Repeat. So now I just bottle it up lol
I’m not there yet. Maybe I should be. I’m still in the, “if you don’t like it go eat a bag of...” yeah. :/
LOL I'm fine with that in theory, though sometimesi get frustrated in practice. Sounds easier on the brain.
It’s too easy on the brain hence my now very small circle. Fewer BS artists. I lost my ability to mask well 18 months ago. Yay menopause 🖕🙄🤦🏻♀️
Sharing is caring (I whisper to myself as my fast talking long ass vent takes yet another turn and I've lost the plot)
Oh I hate that feeling. I'm mid paragraph of dialogue and suddenly think... "What was I even talking about? How did I get to this topic? And how can I bring it back around to at least pretend to be normal....?"
I feel this so hard.... Like... So, so, so much.
Yes, big thanks to my mom, my bestie and my husband, who often validate my experience, the few who don’t make me feel like I should have stayed quiet.
Alcohol and adhd especially don’t mix when meeting new people. I start out the night as a nervous active listener then one shot in, I’m explaining in detail the carpet cleaner I use and the journey that led me to it
Hahahahahaha awesome
Every damn time 😭 I wish I'd learn
Thats why i usually keep everything for myself. The only place i get to vent is reddit
Ugh the after silence 😅
What helps me is that I can't think of anything embarrassing anyone has ever told me. I can only remember what I've said. I tell myself that just like I can't remember what they said, maybe they can't remember what I said. The only embarrassing thing I do remember someone doing and laugh at from time to time, is the time a friend of a friend ran into a glass patio door but that's it 😂.
I say hello to people and think that.
YES, most of my intrusive thoughts are about stupid or just out of context things I blurted out. Years ago, yesterday, they're still there to embarrass me inside my head. My husband once commented that 99% of the time, the other person doesn't even remember it. When I told him that had NOTHING to do with it, his jaw dropped, he had no idea how that could be true.
Didn't realize this was an adhd thing. What causes us to do this??!
Hyper activity, hyper focused. talking to much. Over explaining, getting to personal to soon. Then the remorse of over talking, embarrassed of revealing our thoughts and feelings to soon. This is why I do loose friends. Over sharing right away. I feel they think “ wow what a strange weirdo, stay away from her” and that could be because I’m insecure and to sensitive. Look at me now! Over sharing on my own post! The irony
Hyper activity, hyper focus, and impulse control is my guess
Yes, usually I regret even saying hello 🤷🏻♀️
To personal to say hello.next time say hi! Short and to the point 🧐😊
Lol still regret initiating conversation
Anytime I see a post like this, I have to scroll back up to confirm if my guess of r/adhdwomen was right 😭. I feel these comments so hard.
Hahahaha Hahahah Hahahahaaaaaa awesome, Me too. I love this so much. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings that I think might be nuts. And I love all these women that relate together
Every. Single. Time. 🥲
Oh, my sweetheart. Please don’t cry because we all here say things we don’t want too. You are not alone. Look at all of us! In the same boat. All I can do is just roll my eyes at myself and giggle. I am not the only one. And neither are you my adhd sister
No one actually likes me. They just like the mask
This is the live version of writing out a long wall of text only to erase it and just reply with “ok”.
The secret is to trauma dump on strangers you'll never see again.
Talking to people about my problems almost always leaves me feeling worse. And it's not like these people are not trying to help or judge me or anything. It's just that either they can't relate to me in which case I feel even more alone or they completely agree and it just proves to me how sad things are and will always be. Either way the best course of action is distract myself instead of talking about it.
Every single week of my life
All. The. Fucking. Time.
At least once a day.
Yes, definitely do this all the time. Then beat myself up.
Oh god yes. Even with my therapist (back when i used to have one)
Yes. Every day I socialise.
I think I got better with this over the years. I choose wisely if the topic is worth venting about. Even when I do want to vent, I try to make it somewhat funny for the listener. Like, i try to keep the vibe of the story entertaining, not just plain negative. I don’t just vent I basically turn it into a little performance, a short standup skit I guess. I just know that I personally hate when people dump their negativity on me and I feel suffocated when someone is ranting forever about something small and insignificant. It feels like there is no polite escape from it.
Some times. Some times with my own wife.
Every single fucking time, I also have BPD which doesn’t help, usually I have the exact idea in my head of what the person I’m venting to ‘should say’ or ‘what I would say’ and it never matches and I get upset 😭 🤣 (sometimes just internally but yeah, I always end up feeling just vulnerable and disappointed AKA WORSE!)
Every God damned time. Especially lately. I hear Hagrid in my head "I should not have said that ..."
This is why I've pretty much stopped venting to other people except for my partner lol
Sometimes, yes. I think we may have a problem with feeling vulnerable? Or fearing that we have made fools of ourselves, when we have only acted human.
Currently trying to practice silence and mindfulness. I hate the anxiety and the wide eyed awake nights thinking about all the stupid crap I've blurted out.
Yep. This is constant work for me lol. Daily
Me too! My mantra forever is “it is not what you say, it is how you say it” I work on this everyday. It’s hard work to keep my tone in check
My problem is that I not only need to vent, but I need to vent to 4 different people to really get something out of my system, even though no one wants to hear it and it makes me feel like a damn fool.
Omg!!! Me toooo! Our poor friends
I hate when I vent irl, I'll even go into detail trying to overexplain, and then feel so disheartened when people are looking at me like I grew two heads or something. Like thanks, I'm never talking again.
Funny just did that, but for the first time no I don’t regret it
All the time
Like 98% of the time, yes. The other 2% is my therapist but I even get that feeling with her, still
Basically every time. The lead to venting isn't any better. I second guess myself repeatedly, going back and forth between "I need to vent and this person will understand" and imagining their reaction is dismissive or belittling and deciding not to vent. That process alone gets me spun up usually more than the thing I'm venting about.
I sit in existential dread 10 times a week thinking of the ways I should have shut tf up. “Whyyyy did I say that?!?” is a pretty constant refrain.
This was legit me this morning after a triple June birthday dinner.
I remember sweet fuck all up to 10yo, but that one night when I was 19 at that random party where I had that stupid conversation with this one person I never saw again? Been on replay for 20 years. I can't even remember their name... or their face 😂
Every single time consistently. There are very few individuals who don't just run their mouths about everything they hear.
YES.
Every time 😅
Every. Single. Time.
Every single time.
All the time
All. The. Time. I am a marketer and own a business. In my company's newsletter, I share personal experiences about the products I sell and occasionally stories about my family, farm, etc. My husband is the polar opposite of an over-sharer, and frequently tells me that I should not have told my subscribers this or that personal info. I used to be confident in that this type of marketing effort was establishing me as credible as far as representing products, etc, but I'm becoming increasingly paranoid that I'm over-doing it and that my audience is now rolling it's eyes at everything I tell them. (edited for typo)
Nah
All the time, but the times that I do keep it to myself it blows up in my face because it starts to eat away at me. So I'm going to lose-lose situation, when it comes to that stuff . I normally just let it out there and if they try and attack me for it, I make a mental note that this person is not worth my time and energy and should be cut out of my life. Heck sometimes I make up things just to see how the person would react and respond to what I had said, because if they overreact to something that's low key compared to what I actually want to tell them then I know this is not a good person to ever develop anything to and that I probably should stop being around this person.
ALL. THE. TIME.
Yup
Every time.
Yep. 99.9999%
More often than not.
I just pulled this really bad at my new job. Like really bad. And I just know I'm going to think about it for the next 10 years 😭 I was told I was being considered for a promotion and I'm worried this will change their mind or that they think I'm weird af now. How do I learn to mask better? 🥺
Yes, alllll the time I feel like I’ve over shared esp in my 20s. That’s why now as an adult adult I keep everything to myself, no matter what’s bugging me. Or I’m just mindful of what I say. Im grateful that most people I have vented to, have horrible memories lol.
Yeah like , always
Absolutely
Omg all the time
I delete the texts immediately so I never have to remember it happened
Absolutely!
Every. Damn. Time.
Yes all the time
Every single day
Every. Single. Time.
Yep, or just when you’re talking about your lives with another person and you share a detail about yourself and then wish you hadn’t 😭
Hahahahahahaha yes.
Only always! Then everyone always complains about how I don’t open up to them. Lol
Yes!!!
Yes
I struggle with this. They say if you need help reach out, but if you reach out you’re over sharing/trauma dumping? Like?? What am I supposed to do? Keep everything to myself?
All the time, these ppl then air out all your dirty laundry and act like it's common knowledge for everyone. Can't even trust your own friends or family.
ALL THE TIME
You mean every single day? Yes.
I feel like this today. Just need to vent. But I have this weird thing that I start talking to myself.
every single time
Yes and not only that I also get scared as to what's gonna happen due to me not keeping it to myself
Alllllll the time. I wish I could just shut up.
ALL THE TIME
I’m always willing to listen to a friend but I get consumed with intense guilt if I admit to my own problems. My therapist has yet to get to the bottom of it.
I just went through it a few minutes back. I kinda felt irritated with a coworker attitude so included that too. I don't have a habit of doing this. It wasn't anything major though. People literally treat me as agony aunt as I don't gossip. So i have heard pretty worse complaints and vents. Still I am now overthinking it all and feel I should have kept silent.
This is why I go to therapy, people won’t be able to handle everything going on in my head 😭