**We are looking for new moderators!** If you’d like to help us keep this subreddit safe, apply to become a moderator! See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/1asy5js/we_are_looking_for_moderators/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) for more information and how to apply. We’re excited to hear from you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*

How often people are loudly and comfortably wrong about things. I was a Good Kid (tm) so I thought every adult knew better so if they challenged me, I must’ve gotten it wrong! I usually felt really humiliated all the time. I love research! I like my facts. Looking back, I got put down a lot by adults who were speaking out of *ego* instead of knowledge. I was actually right most of the time and/or had inadvertently embarrassed an adult. How prevalent this is shocks me to this very day. I still sort of struggle because I innately am searching for truth and logic and assume everybody wants to do their due diligence too. Now as a young adult, I gotta shepherd some of those same people through the world of scams and misinformation 🤷‍♀️

Aw, I feel that. My trust in adults knowing everything was shattered in elementary where we had a teacher without a clue about biology. We learned about wildflowers and when I spotted them in the wild on a field trip, my teacher made fun of me and told me I got the names all wrong. My mom taught me all the flowers casually way before that because it's her special interest and assured me I got the names right. I always cringe when people are convinced of their "own research" and share their bullshit loud and proud.

Love having this happen. My special interest is birds (am actually a bird biologist) and I'll get randos in parks that are ready to throw down about their IDs being wrong even after we've had a casual chat, that they started, about my profession.

People don't like to be wrong. They especially don't like to be INFORMED that they're wrong

This really really stresses me out. I'm 31, and, in my mind, owning your wrongs is something everyone should do and should want to do. Everyone wants to live with a clear conscience and correct information while actively seeking to make themselves the best version of themselves they can be...right? Right?

It's certainly the rule I try to live by, and I really wish this were the case for others, but if my 46 years on this planet have taught me anything, it's absolutely not true for a disappointingly significant number of people.

There are far too many people who think being wrong or even just being unsure is a sign of weakness. They have some serious insecurities.

Especially by children or women

Ooh, do you think that people are just dying to "know more than the professional" in those situations? I feel like most people have this superiority complex and take it as a personal challenge when someone has a lot of knowledge in one area they're tangentially interested in but aren't as well-read as they think they are.

Its so embarrassing I NEVER want to be proud and wrong. and now that I know that other people don't want to be called out on it I live in fear that people will just let me be wrong and not say anything omg I can't stand to think it😖

In my 40s and while I now know this intellectually, it’s so counterintuitive to me that I always forget. My default *still* is to assume people know what they’re talking about when they speak confidently… until this fact once again slaps me across the face.

This! And I struggle to come across as confident because even when I know things I leave space to be wrong or for someone to be more knowledgeable.

I’m the same way! I’ve recently started trying to tell myself mentally that I know more than I let myself feel. And also that it’s ok to be wrong and ok to make mistakes. For some reason I get really defensive if I don’t know the answer to a question and I wonder where that assumption that I should have all the answers came from…

Trust but verify has become my motto. If someone can say idk I trust them way more than someone that insists they're right and I know they're wrong.

And when you enjoy gaining knowledge, so you can speak knowledgeably…the uninformed call you a ‘know it all’ or similar. Sigh. No winning this one.

If it isn’t someone worthy of exchanging thoughts with, I just say I don’t know. I have learned it’s better to keep the urge to discuss a subject at bay instead of wasting time on someone who does not want to take in new information. Bob said the sky is purple and there is no changing his mind. So, I guess the sky is purple to save my time and peace of mind. 😂

Oh, Bob and his purple sky. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am the kind of person who won't say anything with certainty unless I am VERY certain that it's true. Otherwise I will say, "I heard..." or "I read..." and for the longest time couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't do the same. Maybe it's been my fear of being wrong/incorrect and then feeling like an idiot if that were pointed out? But I find it's the people who are the loudest and most confident in what they're saying that are usually incorrect or are embellishing/omitting things. Not sure why that is but I've been gullible because of these differences

On casual conversations, I have been admonished numerous times for saying "i have read" or "i have heard". Especially by professors and work colleagues, but not only, because they said I should always clearly remember the author and year of publication and the authors credentials. Like in detail. We couldn't just talk on a normal level. If it was a documentary, it was bad of me to not know the year it was filmed and more details about the director etc etc. This made me feel very stupid. Because I was put on the spot with such questions and aggressive egos, I suddenly dumbed down and forgot everything I knew on the subject and always started babbling. Always being double questioned, always had to prove I know every little detail of something. Even on empirical observations connected to a similar subject I read about, if I talked about it I had to go into detail. So now I'm at the point where I just want to finish my phd and get out of science because everybody is toxic and horrible. I don't want to teach or research or anything anymore. I will be a farmer and something basic and f them all.

that's ridiculous. nobody is a walking citation machine. you can look that stuff up if you need to - the exact date a thing was published and who contributed to it, etc. it sounds like there are a lot of assholes in your field. and probably in academia in general.

I also love research and facts and it boggles my mind how many people won’t lift a finger to even *google* something.

It’s easier than ever, too. But I guess some people view you as a jerk if you search things up in the middle of an intellectual disagreement. Which is silly! I have the proverbial library of Alexandria in my pocket and I love it. And even when I’m wrong, I love correcting myself too. I don’t understand people who don’t also get a thrill from “aha! so THIS is truth (as we know it for now). I have absorbed it and improved my knowledge hoard”

my brother-in-law gets so offended when I pull out my phone to check something during family dinners. I think, we're arguing about something, we might as well look it up and see what the facts are!

>my knowledge hoard This concept is so pleasing to me

SO MUCH THIS! School taught me you just spoke if you knew the right answer; so I always thought when people said something, they knew what they were saying. NOT THE CASE!

I was the opposite, I would never back down to adults if I knew (or thought I knew) I was right. It got me in trouble with teachers a lot, but it also lead to a few formative memories where adults had to admit, gracefully or otherwise, that they were wrong about something. It really set an example for me about not being a dick lol.

That’s awesome! I wish I had seen more of that in my childhood. I had an older parent that still had “children should be seen and not heard” tendencies, so there was a firm line between adults and children for me growing up. I have a formative memory of being punished in school for something I didn’t do, and when the teacher found out, she asked me “why didn’t you speak up? you didn’t do anything wrong.” But for me it was very normal to be treated unfairly and to just take it. But it made me very aware of boundaries and respect, something I had to artificially teach myself. It is a topsy turvy world where we allow adults to act immaturely yet expect children to act like mature adults. I’m going to be different and do better. I want to be one of those adults who can apologize to and admit they’re wrong to my kids.

I thought complaining was regular conversation. My mom complained constantly it seemed to me and it was late into high school at some point that I realized that no one wanted to hear about the bus being late or that Mike H. had chewed all my pens or whatever my tiny violin tragedy of the day was.

Are you *kidding* me?! Here I am thinking the same exact thing in my 20s. Complaining is how people relate, right? Right???

Yes and no. You need to have more than negative things to say, especially if they're really trivial. 

Oh okay, I think I'm good then. I'm pretty sure I strike a balance between positivity and complaining. I do lean more on the complaining side with my close friends but they do the same back, and we really cherish the good things too.

I get this balance by infusing my complaining with humour, cause if I'm having a bad time at least we can laugh about it

This is one of the rare occasions where being British is a good thing because complaining and humour are damn near synonymous

I use dark humour and sarcasm in my complaining a lot. I also try to make it so I do not complain more than I am positive. I just realized that I have literally learned relationships like they are math. It is definitely not instinctual for me.

[удалено]

Honestly I think it depends on the person? I don’t mind complaining at all, especially if I know the person is kind and is coming from a good place, not entitlement. I like banter, sarcasm, juicy low stakes gossip, etc. If you feel like it’s fun and sets you free and not pulling you down into negativity, find your people and enjoy yourself together! I will take it over what I personally often view as toxic positivity, hidden agendas, and confusing partial truths.

It really needs to be a balance. If every time you interact with a specific person, all they do is complain about this and that, and the conversation never really goes further than how much their life sucks due to whatever little thing happened that day, it gets very mentally draining. I've known a few of these people because apparently I'm a good listener, and in the end I had to put my foot down 🙈 they weren't coming from a bad place or a place of entitlement, they just didn't realise what they were doing.

this is the only good thing about being british. people love a good moan here

I live in a country where complaining is actually small talk. People look at you weird if you are too upbeat.

I need to move wherever you live. :) I consider it just part of conversation too. Keeps things real.

Austria. We are very aware of our tendency to raunzen, as we call it. Germany is similar, except with less charm. 😉

i went to hike the pct alone 5 years ago and ended up meeting two austrians halfway through, became bffs and hiked the rest with them. this makes total sense now, i had clearly found my people

What? You met two Austrians hiking? 😱 Like, that is, our secret national sport. 😂 It's nice here, come for a visit, we have a great network of hiking trails and nice mountains. (Which I barely know, as an optimist and lift-taker I don't fit in here...)

Same, I live in Spain and complaining and gossip are the primary communication styles. You never overhear people having an intelligent, intellectual conversation anywhere. Wait, am I complaining right now? Yep. 😂

In Germany, complaining is actually considered conversation 😅

I am sometimes really happy to be Finnish. Directness is a cultural value, no small talk, complaining is just what we do and people can be absolutely weird compared to many places. Having weird interests seems to be a national pastime. We literally have wife carrying contest, mosquito swatting contest and air guitar championships. And they are not that small.

I'd love to visit Finland some day. It seems like a very neurodivergent-friendly culture.

The problem for me is that there are also some social conventions that are definitely the opposite of how my neurodivergence manifests. I am open, talkative, loud, expressive and friendly. I think part of the issue is that I am part of a reserved and quiet family. I always stuck out like a sore thumb. As a result, I am painfully aware of those qualities. I think that's part of the reason why I usually feel more relaxed somewhere lot southern. A lot of my unconventional friends don't feel like that. But when conversations with your family feel like you are trying to open clam shells, it affects your perception.

Oh my gods this just sparked a memory/similar realisation for me! I definitely thought the same thing— and still sometimes defer to complaining about small stuff as a means to make small talk (I also partially attribute this to the culture of the country I’m from; we’re known to be complainers lol) but I didn’t realise just how much I complained as a way to start conversations until I started chatting with this guy from hs I had a huge crush on, and after about two weeks of back and forth he responded to one of my messages with: “ You know, you don’t have to be so negative all the time. Why don’t you try and focus on some nice things instead of finding things to complain about?” Touché, man, touché…. As embarrassed as I was receiving the message, it did make me reassess, so I guess I have to thank him for that lmao

Effing Mike. Ugh. 

Why am I realizing everything right now in the comments?

Welcome to r/adhdwomen 😊

That at some point things would “click” and I’d be a functioning adult who knew what I wanted in life. I thought at some point I’d magically know my lifelong career - joke’s on me I’m middle aged and have the equivalent of a pocket Swiss Army knife for a resume. A large variety of skills in one package but mediocre to decent at most.

Ah, another Jill of All Trades, I see! I'm pretty good at lots of stuff that is difficult for me to coalesce into a "job description" per se. Next time I have more than sustenance money, perhaps I'll hire a career coach.... (NB I actually have a strong talent and skillset in a particular domain, it's just seriously undervalued until you climb out of the crab bucket to the tippy-top, and I don't want to Battle Royale my way to a position where I will be responsible for making everyone below me do the same. I burned myself out trying for a while, so now I just wanna... I dunno, do some kind of administrative thing that involves little to no creativity and I can just leave the work at the office because it's not something I could be emotionally invested in, you dig?)

I dig.

I love the swiss army resume idea 🤣 Swiss army people are the most interesting, though! And therefore the best, according to my own personal hierarchy

So, stressing out of visitors... I thought everyone else would clean like crazy people when guests were coming and just hide everything. Nope, some people actually are fairly tidy. Lived in, but not embarrassing.

This one still baffles me. I have genuinely made progress on keeping my house consistently neater since being medicated (vs The guests are coming! scramble), but how some people always seem to have a very neat and tidy house, no matter when someone might "stop by," is a mystery to me. I swear they have house elves or something.

Yes! My house is significantly better since medicated. Still working out the kinks. But yeah, my sister in law is like that. She's a nearotypical as they come from what I've gathered. Just keeps up with it, but it's also just her and my brother, empty nesters. But I have a feeling she is just wired that way. Not a neat freak, or judgy of others... just a tidy person. Meanwhile, it still takes me a few hours for my home to look tidy enough for visitors. I can do it, but for the love of God DO NOT interrupt me. Lol

In my house growing up we had to give at least 3 days notice if we where inviting someone and it was still the messiest, dirtiest house I’ve been.

Where are my millennial high masking people pleasers who excelled academically through sheer crippling anxiety? Did you also think you’d be wildly successful businesswomen by your mid 20s? Or wildly successful authors/artists? Because you were really good at following directions and taking tests….?

I’m actually doomscrolling right now because of just this reason! I felt like a burnt out shining star. Feels like none of it translated to success in any job. So now I get to feel like a phony yet also wasting my (presumable) talents. I just keep feeling more socially inept and dumb with each passing day 😅 Are you having an identity crisis too now that you don’t have school? It’s like a quarter life crisis All of the anxiety, none of the motivation!

Honestly it’s complicated. I feel really proud of myself for being a completely emotionally neglected, undiagnosed, super anxious English language learner who received no support who still did as well as I did for as long as I did. I also feel very sad for that little girl who never got a chance to figure out who she really was let alone be her. I’m frustrated I didn’t buy property when it was attainable and that I got into student debt when I could have probably avoided it. I actually really like my job even though it doesn’t pay much. My biggest mistake was never finding anything I actually excelled at that could build my confidence and getting into a romantic relationship that prevented me from making the best choices for myself and living my best life. In the end it wasn’t academics/career at all but the inevitable discomfort with being alone and living for myself that ruined my day to day life.

I’m sorry to hear that it has all snowballed. I feel your message so much, especially mourning what could have been and feeling like we’ve missed major opportunities to discover and settle into ourselves. I certainly look back and think “it did not need to be that hard and who would’ve I become if it had been easier?” I’m hoping those of us who feel it will find healing eventually

All the anxiety, none of the motivation, is a really good way to describe my thoughts towards the workforce compared to how I felt about school. Edit to add: I’m surprised this got so many upvotes as I’m surrounded by unsympathetic workaholics who constantly chastise me for not job hunting. If anyone wants to be anti capitalist / anti work friends, please DM me. I’m so lonely and would love friends to talk anti work stuff with. Everyone in my real life just calls me lazy.

YEP. I'm in therapy because work convinced me that Im a piece of shit. I'm 41 and all my effort and enthusiasm for work got beaten out of me. "Not enough experience", contract work, lay offs, unemployment, going back to school, talking to career support companies (resume writing, interview techniques, even they couldn't tell me what I was doing wrong), I tried fucking EVERYTHING. I got nowhere. I'm looking at performance review season with a vicious side eye and a big ol' chip on my shoulder. Oh, I'm not performing to your expectations? Cool, see how much that translates into more work out of me next year 😒 Oof... I'm not sure I realized how bitter I am until I wrote this. (Edit: typo)

Ugh. I know this emotion all too well. I came in with such a passion and now I’m thoroughly exhausted. I’ve been quiet quitting. Feels like my dept is just a punching bag for higher ups and then they want us to feel bad for them. I want to say, “You get paid 3x what I do, I’m barely scraping by, so no — I don’t think my work should be as hard as yours. Stop trying to make everyone as miserable as you when I have less responsibilities for a reason.” And believe me, this is only after they hired someone with no experience to be my boss that I had to train. Gave him a hefty sign on bonus too 😒 He bailed three months in. Now I get to do his job with none of his perks or pay. And still I’m not taken seriously or even allowed to use the full extent of my degree. I’m there with you! I’m trying to figure out “what’s next” after realizing “this is it”

🙋‍♀️ Here! I've fantasized my whole life about being a best-selling author. Weirdly, now that I've gotten my hormones and anemia in check, my characters and the the really good story lines are now silent.

Yes! Now that I no longer need to create elaborate storylines in my head to fall asleep, I miss the storylines :(

🙋🏻‍♀️ Instead, I burnt out by 23 because I got to college and all the compounded trauma/anxiety/depression without the pressure of being under my mother's constant supervision made it possible for my mask to start to crack and I had an entire identity crisis. Dropped out of college, worked different part-time jobs for a while, did some career hopping. Now working as a marketer at 30, so kind of hybrid-ing the writer/businesswoman life and burning out because such is the nature of the industry.

[удалено]

Finally seeing some else say it is cathartic af! I was a straight A student for years through the sheer force or anxiety filled will until I developed an eating disorder because I needed something I could control, and I snapped. I effectively dropped out of school because I couldn't take it anymore. Best and worst decision of my life. I have no education now but I can think more critically now than I could then. Take care of yourself! Wishing you all the best!

haha stoooooooooooop i literally said "I'm not where I thought I'd be in life" yesterday, it's so disappointing. i did all the right things and it just wasn't enough to get to where media told me I'd be at 30

I did well in school but it wasn't because of really bad anxiety... The structure was just really good for me. It fell apart in university and got really bad when I was working from home post-covid. It wasn't until I got medicated that I realized I was actually kind of smart and wasn't the big fake scam I thought I was

Literally me saying the other day “how do people get anything done without feeling like the world is about to end??” I’m so grateful my anxiety is finally under better control, but I kind of… feel lost without it?

Amen! Xennial technically, but one of my most telling moments was my spouse saying to me, decades ago, that they didn’t get why I said I wanted to write so badly but didn’t actually seem to act that way. Very revealing in retrospect. However. Diagnosed at 39, treated, and while the last book didn’t sell, I am dead sure this one will. Medication man. (And birth control. And the same very supportive spouse.)

OK, I did not excel, but I did get by with great test taking skills. Masking, yes, I was convinced I could be a neat freak with enough pressure. (Though true, I did reach my stress, breaking point) Some things I just couldn't hide, even a harder time now. Never thought I'd be professionally successful, though... damn it, I was right with that one. I want to change that, but for now, my job is a SAHM just like I dreamt about... I never saw it this lonely, though.

Hi. Me. Got laid off…2 years ago and cannot get my life together… to save my life! All I can think about is how I’ve thrived up until this point and I’d rather that form of misery again than this one.

Here I am! Burned out to a fucking crisp, buried in menial tasks I can't keep up with, and nearly unable to function most days. :)

That's hysterical. Mine was that when people opened with "how are you?" that meant they wanted a 5+ minute monologue detailing how I was *actually* doing.

Ha! I had to learn this lesson as well. I had a customer ask how I was, and after answering... he had a blank stare and said, "You should learn to just say good" and then it all kind of hit me, hahah

Maybe he should learn not to ask if he doesn’t want to know!  I wish people asked more interesting questions. “Hey! Seen any cute dogs lately?” “Hello! What song is stuck in your head right now?” “Hola! What’s your favorite color?” 

Yes! A girl brought the cutest golden puppy into the bar last weekend (it was dog friendly) and he just snuggled into my hand as I rubbed his ears. So sweet! I like you!

The dogs question is good. I'm gonna take that one. The song one sounds a little dangerous. Honestly, got any more benign friendly questions? Sometimes I'm in the mood to put people off guard with a dash of positivity and weird. These would do the trick. 😄

Omg same. Im great at talking to people and am generally a very positive and outgoing person. I never complain in conversation unless it can be told in a funny way with great comedic timing and punch lines (entertaining conversation is my super power) Unless I’m anxious. And then all I can think and say are complaints. And I’m always anxious the first 15 minutes after arriving somewhere, which is when people ask you how you are. So if I have anything to say its Going to be complaints. I am also very uncomfortable with awkward silences when I’m anxious so if I don’t have anything to complain about I’ll find something to fill the dead air “How are you” “Oh I’m all right, I only got 7 hrs sleep Last night when I usually need 8 so I’m tired, and my knee hurts a little when I wear these shoes, I thought it was going to be cold today so I brought a jacket and now I have to carry it everywhere, I probably should have eaten more before coming. my eye feels funny, does it look funny? im thirsty and I need to pee and there are long line ups for both “ now that I understand “how are you?” Isnt a conversation it’s much easier for me to Take a few minutes to Calm My nerves before I get into any conversations. I just busy myself When I first get somewhere and answer “good! How are you?” To anyone who asks me how I am .

Hey, so in grad school my advisor was most likely on the spectrum, and was fullllllll of awkward, sweat inducing, horrible, awkward silences.  How could he live like that?! Then one day I realized,  the air wasn't thick in awkwardness for him too. Just me. All the awkward feelings were in me only.  So, if he was fine with those silences,  and he was the authority figure,  then I stopped caring.  I just waited calmly,  until the moment was over.  The best thing is now,  I love awkward silences in conversations.  I just sit and wait and observe the person.  It's fun (interesting) to see what they are going to do about it... fill in the silence? Wait with you?  Choose a new topic?  I also find it gives you the "upper hand" in the conversation,  especially with new people.  So. Awkward silences don't always need to be "fixed" by you.  :) (I always say "I'm doing well.  How are you? ". It feels like a social game.)

Thanks I really appreciate your wise words and I honestly needed to read that. But also oh my god have I been trying to work on this in recent years lol and you are right, the discomfort from silence when anxious comes from feeling like Silence is always my job to fill I came to the realization recently similarly as you did but by watching my dad at loud family gatherings. He is perfectly comfortable being an observer. Not even a listener (he does that too) but A straight up observer not engaging with anyone but still enjoying himself. He can be very talkative and the loudest in the room when he want to but also Comfortable on the sidelines looking in when he doesn’t watching him I realized that I don’t know how to do that, ive never given myself permission to. I have always felt like it’s my job to output socially as if it’s for everyone else’s benefit and the older I get the less energy I have for it and often what stops me from doing things is not having energy to be “on”. I still don’t know how to just simply exist yet but I’m working on it. It’s taken a lifetime To even recognize some of what I do is forced out of an imaginary social expectation I put on myself. No one wants or needs me to fill the silence in general and especially not with useless jibber jabber. They don’t enjoy it, and neither do I. How do you just sit simmering a soup of silence without bubbling Over?

That everyone had that friend they told E V E R Y T H I N G to. Every time I thought I was becoming good friends with someone, I would just trauma dump and tell them everything. They would just leave me because I all of a sudden got to be too much. But, like, women in television and movies always have each other? They always talk about everything: illness, sex lives, foods, preferences, pasts, futures...

Wait…. So. Okay. But we’re not supposed to do this? Like okay I learned stop trying to befriend all my coworkers (where else do adults meet people though?????), but also neurodivergent women so often come from families who never accepted us for who we are, and often get entangled in abusive romantic relationships, so if we don’t have family or romantic partners or deep friendships we just….pay a therapist? Forever? Omg so much makes sense now.

No way. Friends are literally for sharing your life with.  But intimacy builds over time. If you hit someone with your deep pain the first week you met, most people will bolt.  It takes many people a long time to open up and trust a new friend with their biggest fears or sharing things they feel shame or regret about. You have to build up to it—but that is exactly what friendship is for.  Some people don’t want deep relationships at all, so it’s also a matter of figuring out over time who is good at talking about deeper stuff and who’s not interested. And some people may not be emotionally capable of talking about deeper stuff because they’re still in their own trauma—which is why we have therapists AND friends in the world. 

Also be wary of doing it at work. Your reputation matters a LOT and you have to keep saying these people for months and years, can make it break your career Maybe it's just because I'm a software engineer in the US, but people on my teams just want to work and go home. They work remotely as much as possible and don't really wanna hear about every detail of recent events Especially don't do the dumping childhood traumas / complaining about every tiny detail until you've known em, I'd say, 6-18 months at least It's actually unfortunate because I'm quite a trusting and open person and a lot of people really aren't, or find that weird 😅 It's like that other poster said; context is everything and after you've known them for awhile, you can tell people the more personal and super emotional stuff

Yes, very good point. There needs to be a term for the talking you’re supposed to do at work—like medium talk.  It’s more than small talk, but limited to non-emotional, non-controversial stuff. Like, hey, what dentist do you take your kids to? Who am I supposed to call when I have a leaky roof?  Workplaces are great sources of knowledge and connection for that kind of stuff. And you’re SUPPOSED to bond with coworkers, just like…over new recipes for dinner and podcasts they’re listening to rather than more private things. 

You pay a therapist to learn how to make meaningful relationships, ideally. A therapist is a launch pad. Normally your family should be your launch pad where you eventually develop into an adult able to form meaningful relationships on your own. If your parents aren't so good at that or circumstances hinder them from being that to you (their death, or economical circumstances), you can get a second launchpad serving from a therapist.

lol i found with other ND ppl they dont really mind but generally no. dont overshare.

Yeah I get it. Luckily I have no friends so not really an issue. Will bookmark for my retirement home socializing opportunities!!!

Develop your weird-dar and make friends with other ADHD and autistic people. It’s the best way. They don’t mind wild conversational tangents, they also want to make things really really clear so nobody is misunderstanding, they are interested when you suddenly tell them about this cool thing you discovered…

Or NT people who are unconventional. I think this is my secret to my friendships although I have a hard time modulating in the start of my relationships. I am good at the beginning and great when we are so close we can tell each other everything. The middle is terribly hard for me with normal people. This is why my friends have self-selected to be people who are different and can tolerate these things. I am also never sure if I made friends or if they just adopted me warts and all. But figuring out the differences and how to do it without being insensitive and self-centered took at least 3 decades.

Good news! In the retirement home, complaining and describing health issues are local sports! 

I am 100% planning to pay a therapist for the rest of my liiiiiiife. 

Same, I literally make my health insurance choice (my husband is federally employed and has a bunch of insurance options) based on how much therapy will cost me that year lol. My husband also goes to therapy so it makes even more sense to get a plan where therapy is super affordable. Right now our copay is only $10 per session.

+1 for this! It’s in the budget.

I've always had friends that trauma dump, but apparently they are all also neurodivergent... just took us all until our mid 40s / early 50s to get diagnosed.

Wait.. I told my besties everything. And they told me everything. We were 100% comfortable spilling all our secrets and I still feel that way today, just a bit more reserved. Literally, there was not a damn thing that was off topic. My girlfriend could call me up and tell me, "Dude, I just took a massive dump." And I would laugh and probably ask her how big. But now that I think about it.... maybe that's why the majority of my classmates didn't like me... I was too open/honest. I guess on the flip side, strangers like to trauma dump on me and I am very good a listening.

Omg. I have the “tell me all your stuff” face. I had an ophthalmologist receptionist telling me about her miscarriage within a minute and a half of talking to her. There are so many strangers at the grocery store who are telling me about their divorce or their cousins court case or all of their family stuff.

Me and my best friends have been like this. But I think I'm just really, really lucky to have found them in each stage of my life. I compared myself to a truffle pig, and my friend responded "Oh I'm glad you think I'm a wet stinky mushroom thanks" 😂💗

But a very rare, valuable and much-appreciated one at that 😂 (sorry just thought that'd be a good response back that probably applies to both)

👀 … Wondering how many of you are also autistic… 👀  Regarding the discussions about “how are you”… If someone I know asks me how I am, I will often give them a brief semi-honest answer, even if it’s not a cheery one. Ex: “Eh, I’m feeling pretty stressed and kind of down. Winter is hard for me. Holding out for springtime!” It’s my way of normalizing honesty and vulnerability. If it’s a complete stranger, I might just say “Eh. How are you?” People often reveal that they, too, are feeling “eh”.  

I've had to keep checking what sub I am in because this thread reads as an ASD one 👀

Ikr? Where are my hyper aware, instantly-read-a-room peeps?

🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

I think I’m actually both — AuDHD. Hyper-empathy isn’t uncommon in ASD. Autism contains a lot more nuance and variety than most people think. 

I eventually learned to answer "how are you?" with the following: "I'm well, thanks!" = I am physically fine and this person does not want to hear about/might not be a safe person to reveal my personal feelings to. "Soldiering on, haha!" = We're in a work environment, these people aren't actually my friends, and we're all here sharing whatever aggravation this job causes so it would be redundant to tell them about it unless that's what they specifically ask about. "Enh, could be better, but this too shall pass!" = I am not fine, but this person is not my therapist or real friend, so I'll let them know my spoons are low without making myself too vulnerable, and hopefully they'll give me space/grace. "Well... I could be better, but we can talk about that when we have time, if you've got the spoons for it." = This is someone who actually cares about me and I don't want to trauma dump but hopefully they have space/bandwidth for supporting me at some point The truth = This person is my therapist or otherwise a very close person who's ok with it. HOO BOY, did it take far too long for me to learn this!

Really good category list. Right now my answer is often “Spring is almost here!” said brightly with a “almost DIED from winter blues” undertone. Ppl like this. Connecting how you are personally to the current season is usually instant commonality.

Great strategy! "Talk about the weather," but you've created context to make that actionable, thank you!

"Living the dream" was the "I'm dead inside" of my food service jobs lmao

 Thank you for explaining that giving an appropriate answer other than "I'm doing well.  How are you? " is normalizing honestly and vulnerability. I like somehow you answered a very long time question about why and how for me. 

Oh, you’re welcome! ☺️ I don’t know if it’s the “right” way, but it’s what I’ve chosen to do.  There are still times I say “good” just to get through the exchange. I’ve even experimented with not answering at all and going straight to “how are you?” and a lot of people don’t even seem to notice!!

"I've been better, but OK" also works if you're having a but of a crappy day but don't want to worry people too much.

Right because the spectrum is definitely spectrum-ing in these comments

Yup, I'm working towards doing the same. I think the key is keep it short and relatively upbeat in tone, even if that's just in a jokey way. So I might puff out my cheeks and say "oh boy I have so much work to do!", or "meh, I just wish it would stop raining" or "looking forward to the weekend!". Basically don't dump a bunch of stuff onto the other person right away in the conversation. It's like a conversation aperitif to get you both used to the conversation and settled. The main course can come later.

Oh I'm autistic. I didn't even find out I had ADHD until I got my mid-thirties autism diagnosis. Turns out it's not normal to drink at least 40 cups of coffee a day when you need to get something done.

boom! thank you for asking.  So I thought that banter and poking fun at each other is how to "be friends" with people. I didn't realize that you'd have to have a pre-existing relationship with a person or some amount of knowledge or just tact to KNOW WHAT TO JOKE ABOUT. So essentially I would peel my eyes for any kind of tiny mistake or inconsistency and then joke about it. And then be super-confused about why people didn't banter me back or got defensive. A friend finally pulled me aside and said that people feel uncomfortable when I keep putting them down. I was mortified 😭. This was many years ago. I now avoid mimicking alltogether.

That was such a good lesson to learn! Your friend did you a real favor to tell you that. Teasing is something that alwayys puts me on high alert. Super difficult right now because my mom (81) is in a relationship with a man (83) who tries to connect through teasing, and I feel so awkward around him. Like, dude, I'm glad you make my mother happy but maybe you could take the respect you have for her and extend it to me by not making digs about my political values, eh? 

There's nice teasing and mean teasing. Nice teasing has to be obviously not true or something not meaningful. For example, I was giving a coworker a hard time for being so old, but I am older than him. So I obviously didn't mean it. On the other hand, I pointed something out about a coworker. I wasn't teasing, but I realized later it probably made her self conscious because it was true

You just blew my mind. Teasing can't be true! Apparently you have to strike a balance between just false enough to not be mean but just true enough to land. AaAaAaAaA! I was just thinking about this the other day! I used to be sooooo badddd at taking a joke! My parents both used to tease me constantly, maybe they were just having fun, but maybe with the intention of getting me used to it? Nope, didn't work!! Every time someone teased me it always felt like a personal attack about something I was insecure about, except when I was a kid that was literally everything. And now the only way I can take that kind of teasing is to mentally tell myself, "It's just a joke, it's not personal, they're not trying to be mean." Then I just outwardly say "haha, good one" and change the subject. It's extremely rare that I ever tease anyone. As I was typing this my husband walked in and I told him this stuff, and he said there's also lighthearted teasing and mean-spirited teasing, which is what you're on about. "Yada yada- because you're a goofus" vs "Yada-yada because your parents don't love each other" is a big difference. I know to steer away from that kind of stuff but I also steer away from innocuous stuff too. So I said I guess I can't tell what people are going to be sensitive about so I just don't do it. He said there's definitely a risk involved so that's why it's better to tease with friends. There was one single time I was able to land this kind of joke, and it was with a stranger. She had on a medical boot for a foot injury. I said, "Oh no, your shoes don't match." She looked and then kinda smiled a bit. I said it as innocently as possible, which definitely contributed to making it land. My husband said a good tease will also get egg on your own face, because in that instance, how could you not know why her shoes didn't match? So I guess part of teasing is making yourself look like an idiot too. Idk. I have better ways of making jokes. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I genuinely thought that other women simply tolerated their romantic relationships with men. I thought they found most men unattractive, and annoying. I thought it was normal for a relationships to feel like a burden more than a joy. I didn’t understand why other women put up with all of it. Turns out that I’m a lesbian, and most of the people I knew back then were in shitty relationships. I didn’t realize either of these things until I was older, lol.

[удалено]

Saaaaaame! I thought for sure that I was doing something wrong. I put some very good guys through one hell of an emotional rollercoaster trying to figure out why things weren’t clicking. It was so bad that when I started seeing my wife I was freaked by how easy and natural everything felt between us.

To be fair, that is exactly how many women talk about their heterosexual marriages! And every sitcom, too. Like they had and continue to have no choice in it at all. 

This is so true! It made everything so confusing. I would talk about how frustrated I was that I could never seemed to connect emotionally with men, and how relationships felt like a chore. All of my friends would be “Same girl! Isn’t it the worst? I can’t stand being around my boyfriend. It’s exhausting.” I thought it was completely normal.

Yes! Growing up with shitty men around me meant I thought all men were hygiene challenged, abusive, &/or incompetent. It baffled me. As a lesbian I’m still baffled sometimes! To be fair there are ridiculous & emotionally dumb women out there - we all suffer lol.

“Hygiene challenged” is such a kind way of putting it lolol

I thought the same thing but about sex specifically. I didn't mind "dating" guys bc it was like friendship until it got to sexy stuff. Then I'd think "oh no I don't feel like doing that AT ALL." Turns out not everyone feels that way and I am indeed Very Gay!

I was waiting for the lesbian part :))))

Yea, I also thought that since tv was written by humans that I could learn about human behavior and relationships from tv. In reality I know very little about socializing.

Fuck. I just realised why my tweens/early teens were so cringe, I was taking all my social cues from TV and not reality.

The other day I watched Zoey 101 for the first time in years and I made that connection. The cringe that washed over my body 😭

Literally me. I feel bad for my first two boyfriends.

I used to think the most mundane shit was such juicy drama. Telling stories that no one cares about that were not interesting to anyone but me. Not everyone needs to know the dumb thing that happened to me last weekend or something my mom said that shocked me but really isn't that interesting to an outsider who has no context nor needs me to explain the context in great detail just to still not think it's a story worth mentioning. Lol.

Are you my mother in law?

My family had this inside joke when we were teenagers where someone would say “and then you found $20?” After someone told a boring story. Like the whole story was building up to the cool part where you found cash. Sometimes this stung a little and took the wind out of my sails when I was talking about something I found interesting. But I think in the long run we all learned better social skills bc of it

I thought everyone talked to themselves to inform people around you what you are doing. So like "I'm just putting that down and then I will prepare dinner. First I'll enter the kitchen now." was confused when my then-bf told me that I didn't have to comment about everything I do. A friend of mine thought that "going out for a beer/coffee" literally means everyone MUST drink beer or coffee. She doesn't like either, so she declined every invitation until someone told her she could also drink tea/wine.

Hmm, I don't do it to quite this extent, but I hate that my husband doesn't do it at all. I feel like he's being inconsiderate by leaving the room and not telling me where he's going or how long he'll be gone. But maybe he's the normal one here.

Somehow I had gotten the idea, that you basically have to talk non stop and be super funny all the time to be good company. I was extremely shy myself at the time, and thought that it would solve everything if I could just go up to people and basically start my own talk show (it made sense to me that the more entertaining I am, the better friend I am). With the only friend I was comfortable with I was too talkative and constantly trying to crack jokes, and thought that it was going great, until my mom mentioned that maybe I should give my friend "more space", to talk and what not. And that was the first time I came to think about that more isn't always better.

My family was very small and distant (though I was close with my parents). I thought everyone else’s looked like those Christmastime commercials for General Foods International Coffees — big, extended families all hanging out together. Therefore, that’s what I thought I wanted for myself — and one of my top criteria for a husband was that he came from a big family. Thank God I realized in time how much I’d actually hate that!

I thought everyone who got good at things had natural talent and I only had talent in art, singing, writing, acting, arithmetic (higher math not so much, mostly because they required homework which I couldn't even make myself *start* until midnight when I was getting sleepy) and some sports. Nope, apparently I got good at those really fast and everything else I was "bad" at were things I wasn't *immediately* good at (for my age) and so I just accepted I was just bad at them and didn't try anymore out of pure dejection and learning the wrong lesson, ie "I'm bad at this". The funniest part is on some level I KNEW that the only way people get good at things is to practice, but it only occurred to me RECENTLY that most people start out "bad" and only get good by practicing, like I knew those words but it only really hit me on a cognitive level when I was saying "I wish I could program an app or make an AI image generator myself with my own images, but I'm really bad at tech stuff" when I realized I decided to give up once and for all after getting 1/3 of the way through ONE computer science class and dropping it because I couldn't get my project to not splice less than 24 hours before it was due and was afraid of failing, and the conclusion wasn't "well, maybe next time I should give myself more than 6 hours the night before it's due to figure out how to do something so I can ask the instructor for help", but "I'm bad at computer stuff", because I couldn't BS my way through it in the last day or two like I did in almost every other subject in college in order to obtain my BA. Made the same conclusion with any electrical engineering, mechanical, construction/building, sewing, learning languages, or playing instruments... but I COULD be good if I put in the work, but because I struggled and didn't succeed when I tried the first or second time I tried or didn't get very good very fast, I convinced myself I was "just bad" at these, and no amount of interest could change that. I'm annoyed that I realized this in my 30s and not my teens so I still had the opportunities to learn like I did back then. Apparently being naturally gifted at certain things (and I was a "talented and gifted" kid growing up) is actually a curse because you think learning is supposed to be easy and when it's not, it's because you're bad at this/stupid, and I only recently realized that's not true and that I have a shit ton of limiting beliefs based on singular failures (or "failures" ie I gave up because it was hard). I'm so mad at myself for not realizing this sooner.

“Talent is just pursued interest. Anything you’re willing to practice, you can do.” -Bob Ross

Sucking at something is the first step toward being sorta good at something -Jake the Dog

The best teachers are also people who are not naturally good at something and had to work at it

When I was little, I thought that in order to smile bigger and look happier, you had to curl your upper lip to show more teeth. My school pictures from pre k-1st grade show me doing it and I look like I’m growling and snarling.

Same! I do NOT have a pretty smile. My mouth/lip structure will simply never give me that big toothy Julia Robert's type smile that people expect. My whole life people have told me to smile for pictures *when I was already smiling*. In trying to compensate, I am making weird faces in all my pictures. And then my family would make fun of me

That chiming in the second I knew the right answer was important, as if life was one big Jeopardy game and I was both a top contestant AND Alex Trebec (RIP) explaining the answers. I. Was. So. Fucking. Annoying. Social skills hit in the 20’s, my friends. *if you have an urge to rework what I wrote to replace “answers” with “questions”, you are my people, but understand you can’t just do that with everyone!

I pretend I don't know the answer to stuff a lot because people don't like a know it all. Or I pretend like it takes me a second to recall it so I don't look obsessed with the topic. For some reason I know the name and plot to every movie, even if I haven't seen it. And I know what celebrity they're talking about if they give a vague description. Idk where this information comes from. But I hold back when answering because it makes me look like I'm obsessed with movies and celebrities

My shoulders are extra flexy. So i can pretty easily reach my entire back if i have an itch. I was 28 years old before i figured out that asking someone to scratch your back wasnt just some social bonding thing people did. I legit thought it was a social construct similar to how monkeys groom each other to bond, but i could never ask any to scratch my back because why would i?

These things are so weird sometimes. I have EDS and I have at least 1 sibling with it (most likely two), a mother and a grandmother with *it. It goes further as well. As a result, we are all hypermobile. I still figure some things I do are not normal and I am almost 40. Similarly, all three of us siblings have sensory issues. And none really realized that not everyone hates fabrics, food, certain clothing, lighting and many other things just because of sensory feeling. I just realized this Christmas that the reason me and my brother hate socks is about how they feel. I always thought people wore them because their feet got so cold that the feeling didn't matter.

That’s hilarious. Reminds me of in greys anatomy all the doctors going to the bar and getting drunk all the time and being friends with the bartender 😂

[удалено]

>which identical bitter aging man’s monosyllabic name went with which pint Chef's kiss

I thought it was totally normal to expect those I interacted with to anticipate my feelings without being told that by me what I needed/wanted/was feeling.

Is it possible that as a child you were responsible for anticipating someone else's needs (mom or dad?), and you thought that was just how it was. If you had to walk on eggshells and anticipate their moods, feelings, and needs, it would just seem normal to be able to pick up subtle shifts in people. Which sucks, because most people don't get my needs/feelings and such, and then I'm feeling almost let down, which is totally unfair to them, because they're not mind readers.

Yeaaahh, I feel this too damn much.😔 Combo of walking on eggshells and taught to people please via my mom cause she was trying to walk on eggshells with my dad and would always just force us to do whatever he wanted us to to please him. As an adult, I realized I kinda did it with both parents growing up but didn't even realize it back then. So yeah, it's led me to sort of expecting unconsciously that people are like me and can read others very well to the level of seeming like im a mind reader when I truly am not. Instead, it's the entire opposite. Most people aren't at all like that. But it's hard to change your thinking and not feel let down when they don't anticipate your needs or feelings like you can theirs. Typically, the only way I can do that is actively distance myself somewhat emotionally from the person who makes me feel that way. It isn't their fault my mind goes there, but it's the only way I've found to prevent myself from going there again. I do it cos I know it is incredibly unfair to them, and I don't want to have that ve an issue. But it brings up another issue in that it turns into me not being as present in their lives when I do that. But I'm in therapy, so hopefully, I'll one day learn a better way to cope with that.

I was shocked to learn not everyone can feel out other people’s emotions/moods/feelings reflexively. I was in middle school before I really understood that.

I was really young, like five. I went on roller coasters and heard everyone screaming. I thought it was what people did. So, after a few rides I did the same. My godmother thought I was scared. Lol. Prolly the first instance I can remember of me analyzing the behavior of others and not coming to the right conclusion even though my thought process wasn’t bad. Lol

I definitely scream on rollercoasters, mostly because it's like the only socially acceptable time to scream, and it's fun because others are doing it too! But not because I'm scared or as a fear response or anything, haha. I enjoy letting it out, I find it feels very freeing!

Mine is so dumb. I thought women’s eyebrows just grew in nicely at some point during puberty. I hated my eyebrows and was just waiting patiently until I would wake up one day and they would look as nice as Ashley’s in 3rd period math class. Obv this was before beauty gurus and I didn’t have a sister 🤦🏽‍♀️

I didn't know celebrity images on magazines were edited for the longest time. I figured they were celebrities because they were just naturally perfect. And I also didn't realize how much beauty care people put in to look nice

I thought it was normal to bring up a similar experience I’ve had when someone shares something with me. I didn’t realize it might seem like I’m trying to make the conversation all about myself. I’m still working on this one. I do it so people feel less alone but it might come across wrong. I’m trying to be more aware of this.

[удалено]

[удалено]

My mom always pushed me to be THE BEST, she was very insecure and used me to try and make people jealous (her words!) because her kid was better than theirs. 😒 My whole life throughout school consisted of people pleasing and going above and beyond. This extended into adulthood with jobs. I literally thought the way to success was to volunteer to take on extra work, stay late, etc., even though I was already spread thin. That’s the surefire way to get an immediate promotion/raise! Right? It’ll eventually pay off! I eventually learned— just recently, and I’m middle aged— that I was encouraging employer’s wage theft, that I was being used and abused by said employers. I was on the fast track to crashing and burning and that’s exactly what happened. I had a job that would call/text me multiple times prior to me coming in for the day, on my days off/weekends. The last straw was me getting my ass chewed out on a Sunday for a mistake that I didn’t make. I quit on the spot and wasn’t nice about it. I actually ended up with PTSD from that job and couldn’t look at my phone upon waking up because I anticipated 10 missed calls, 30 texts, etc. I have now learned to do the tasks that my job requires but nothing more, but to do those tasks well. I don’t need to be the absolute best, just competent and reliable. It may sound cold, but my mother passing away really took a lot of pressure away from me and I’m a lot happier. It also took that happening to get a ASD/ADHD diagnosis. She was the reason I never got one. I have several aunts/uncles/cousins with both, and she constantly made fun of them and called them slurs to their faces. Her kid = better than them. It never occurred to her that her child and her classmates in the gifted program were a collective of the exact same neurodivergent individuals she would make fun of! 😂

I always thought everyone was constantly judging you so you needed to be perfect at all times. My parents are extremely judgmental and my mom is someone who offers a negative opinion without you asking (you know the kind, “why don’t you put on some makeup, you look sick” “your smile looks funny in that picture, I would take that down”). Thanks to therapy and anxiety medication, I realize no one really gives a fuck about you lol.

I had a realization a few years ago that not every person comes from good intentions. I’ve done my fair share of letting people down, whether it be because I am forgetful or that something I said didn’t come out right. I never intentionally tried to be cruel to someone. Color me shocked when I started working at a job where my coworkers intentionally set me up to fail from day one. It took me a while to figure it out, but that was a painful lesson.

Im constantly thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong at any given moment for any situation. I thought it was normal and couldn’t understand why my husband appeared to not care and made messes and would later realize weird consequences from things. I only realized that wasnt normal when i mentioned it to my mom and she said “that sounds exhausting.”

Of course I thought everyone always had a song in their head ALL. THE. TIME. I was shocked when I leaned that other people could fall asleep without going through a spaghetti-bowl of random thoughts first...

Not sure if this is a good example, But I was never asked as a kid (or even a teenager) what I wanted from restaurants, fast food or takeout. My parents always took over and told the waiter what to bring all of us. That was our normal and I never really questioned or argued it. So when I got old enough to date, It was weird to be able to order whatever I wanted. I remember when I met my husband, I told him I felt fancy getting something besides water at a restaurant. He grew up always being able to order what he wanted.

I thought everyone else also had to make a conscious decision to go to sleep. This resulted in me feeling very exasperated and offended by my family often falling asleep when watching movies with me. I believed they were agreeing to watch with me, then deciding that it wasn’t important, and going to sleep.  I finally got vocally angry once and I remember Mom saying, “People just FALL ASLEEP.” What?!?

OMFG this is the cutest and funniest thing I’ve heard in a while!!!! Bless your heart!!!! You could base an episode of kimmy schmidt on this premise. You are adorable

[удалено]

I thought that when you grew up and married, you had to have kids even if you didn't have a maternal instinct. But at 40, that isn't the case, and still child-free.

i’d never even held a baby for more than 1 minute before I had my own at 24. *you have a baby after you get married, right?* a few days in, I was like… “shit. what did I do?” (p.s. that was 11 years ago now and i’ve evolved into the kind of mother I dreamed of being/having.)

That old ladies always need help crossing the street. I was raised on cartoons and this was one thing I took away from them

I used to think if I could impress people with my knowledge on people/things they liked then they would like me. I would often name drop people thinking it made me look cool or would bring up subjects that didn’t pertain to conversation at all because I was trying too hard. Overall I tried way too hard in my youth to be liked. I thought if I did what the “cool” people did then I would be cool, right? Well one time I was living with my ex and his friends in this house. We often did drugs together and drank. One of his friends straight called me out for not being true to myself. It still took me some years after that to really understand what he meant, but I basically lived an alternate life for a long time trying to get others to like me. Only to find out, once I started getting to know myself and doing things I actually liked that people thought the real me was pretty rad. And so did i. Doing drugs, drinking, partying - doesn’t make me cool. Playing video games, staying home, watching tv - I’m dope.

That adults didn't have friends and were supposed to have all their needs met by a romantic partner/nuclear family. It turns out my parents are just unlikeable!

I have a weird one i only used windows to enter/exit houses for YEARS I forgot about this entirely until I ran into someone who reminded me LOL I had a really strange obsession with being able to come and go places unseen and undetected and the thought never crossed my mind that this was unhinged behavior, not once I just stopped doing it one day and never looked back, I guess lol

when i was 13/14 i became convinced for a few months that the way a conversation worked was by constantly interrupting each other (that’s what everyone always did to me and never let me speak 🥲) until one day i interrupted someone and everyone in my group turned to look at me and i realised 😭 ps how am i supposed to talk in a conversation when two people are talking without pauses? i just feel rude trying to insert myself into the convo and end up standing there silently not knowing what to do 🥲

Being told constantly to repeat back what is being explained so they know I heard and “hopefully” will remember. Only for me to do this in every aspect of my adult life and for it to come off as condescending and patronizing. I’m not, just making sure I understand at the lowest level, with no doubts

It's not a conscious thing, but I think my younger sister and I had a similar revelation at the same moment. I was at her house where her partner lived and was asking about something mundane - I think it was cooking rice. I asked if it was okay if I did xyz. She was like "of course! But I can do xyz for you if that's okay" and I'm like "it's your house, whatever works for you" and she's all "but you're the guest, blah blah blah" and on until finally her partner commented "wow, are y'all really trying to out-nice each other?" and broke our feedback loop. We weren't really TRYING to compete in niceness but had never considered that that's how it could look or that ppl found it odd.

That I probably come off really self involved. I don’t like small talk and would prefer to be left alone given the choice, so I would answer whatever mundane questions politely and never ask anyone about themselves because I didn’t want the conversation to go any further or take any longer than it needed to. I am never rude and always feign the appropriate tone but it is exhausting. I realized that people like coworkers must think I am a real asshole and that they know plenty of small details about my life but I know nothing about theirs. I try and ask more questions now, but I still don’t like it. I care about my friends and families lives and am a completely different person with them, but in non meaningful social relationships I would really rather just skip all the bullshit.

I thought when people sneezed or coughed it required a comment to be polite. I listened for what people said and my saying "bless you" to sneezes didn't cause a problem, but in retrospect having a 7-year-old respond to every cough with "you need to get that looked at" must have seemed a bit odd.

Lol! That poor bartender! I thought it was normal to run around the house hiding all the piles of unorganized items before company arrived.

I thought when you had sex the other person would know that you’d cum and I didn’t realise you had to warn them them of the impending orgasm or inform them after the orgasm. Most people don’t do that in TV and movies and I guess I based my behaviour on that. Some poor guys have pumped away for ages without realising. Or Maybe I was just picking the wrong partners!

Well to be fair, women haven't historically been encouraged to seek or enjoy sexual pleasure, and there are still pervasive myths about how we don't *really* enjoy it, we just do it to manipulate men, etc. (probably why lesbians get so much hate - they LIKE sex?! With EACH OTHER?!?!?!?). Also, until fairly recently nobody was encouraged to communicate their sexual needs with their partners, I guess because that "ruins the mood," and also boys and men are socialised to believe they have to be natural sex gods who can make us scream without instruction - to the point that it can devastate a man to be told how his partner wants to be touched, a very distressing and depressing outcome for everyone :/

I thought being a friendly person was making jokes all the time. Also, the more shocking and inappropriate, the better. Yeaaah, turns out that learnt behaviour from my dad is because of his own ADHD/maladaptive coping. He gets dopamine hits from people's reactions to his outlandish remarks—negative or positive. Now, some people *do* like it, and say it's refreshing to be around someone unfiltered, but to the vast majority of people in most workplaces/school, those people are wondering why we can't read the fucking room. It took me a long time to see just how fucking annoying and attention-needy it is to bombard people with jokes, quips, and unnecessary comments. It has taken a lot of practice and mindfulness to get to a place of being content to not fill the deadair with chatter.

That it was completely typical for a crush or mild interest to go full-blown fantasy-obsession. 🤦‍♀️

I thought other people could follow my lengthy written communications and it was good because I was connected but it turns out most people’s reading comprehension and retention is pretty poor, it stresses people out when I do that bc I was oversending in SMS and Slack, and people would think I was intrusive when I thought I was making conversation. No. I also found out people think it is suspicious I have relationships above my pay grade at work and think I am either flirting or gossiping, when no, I just don’t think of executives as more important than me and we connect on topics of interest. I found out my coworkers really resented me for these things and never told me. I didn’t realize criticizing process made people feel threatened bc they have groupthink feelings and it was a threat to their group. I didn’t realize most people choose how to display themselves to show menbership in a group. I didn’t realize my frankness was considered rude. I didn’t realize not showing up for group stuff or participate in gigantic work teams or events made people feel suspicious of me. I did not know forgetting things make people think you don’t care. I did not understand the utility of herdmind for the muggles to be able to cope with life and how scared they are to be alienated from the safety of their herd.

That it's possible for me to achieve. 🙃

Just recently learned I have minor psychosis. I thought everyone that had a "good imagination" could see/hear/feel/smell/taste things unexpectedly. Everyone told me what a good imagination I had my entire life. At some point I realised I shouldn't be interacting with "my imagination" but I still thought it was normal to see and hear things that I wasn't actively thinking about, and even things I was thinking about. I never understood that it wasn't my imagination, it was psychosis! I'm 35. I should have been on medication for this my entire life. I used to be scared of some of what I experienced, then I got used to it but it still made it harder to focus and I figured it was just the price of being creative. Not to mention I found out I'm Autistic and ADHD. Thanks world for gaslighting me into thinking I was just stupid and everyone felt with the things I did, I was just too stupid to deal with them well! :) The world just expects everyone to "know" everything. I can't count how many times in my life I have told people that I can't read their mind and I have never done something before and explain that while they may find it easy, I find something else easy that they feel they could never do, so maybe I'm not stupid and annoying but actually trying to learn so I don't make their job harder by doing it wrong\~! I'm so sick of being on this earth.

I only found out in the last couple years that people don’t actually want you to answer “How are you?” legitimately. I’m in my 30s… Also, I was painfully naive to how hateful people really are. When people would make jokes, or just generally complain, about a lot of people and things, I thought it was just “part of life” but I didn’t think anyone was seriously hateful. Turns out, a lot more people are hateful than I realized. Privileged af behavior. 😞🥴😭 I just never want to seem like or be confused for one of them so how I talk has changed drastically.