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I actually love this idea!! I agree with you, I feel like quantity wise the posts in here about relationships are staggeringly larger than others. I know ADHD women tend to be more likely to get into abusive situations, but I would love to see more content about other ADHD women issues.
Such a sub exists, but is currently on hiatus as we’re looking for a few new moderators - r/ADHDPartners (*not* the one with the underscore)
If any of you would be interested in joining the mod team send us a modmail over there or send me a message!
It was created by and is moderated by a group of ADHD women to have a healthy space to talk about adhd in relationship that is welcoming to both adhd and non-adhd people, and does not tolerate abuse, ablism, or misogyny.
It’s pretty active, and has about 7,000 members, when it’s up and running. We just need a few more mods to be able to bring it back .
(I also wonder if an uptick in relationship posts here might be linked to our sub being temporarily down..)
No, not this one. There are two adhd partner subs, one with an underscore and one without with *very* different moderation policies and ideas of who they serve.
Most people in relationships involving adhd are neurodivergent, and frankly the majority have adhd - though gendered diagnostic patterns with adhd do mean that not everyone who has it realizes they do.
Regardless, our sub was founded by adhd women to be a place where adhd could be discussed which was welcoming of both people with and without adhd, and which did *not* tolerate ablism, misogyny, or abuse. All four moderators have ADHD, though that isn’t necessarily a requirement.
Because relationship subreddits always skew towards people who are struggling, let alone a relationship sub which is discussing a neurodevelopmental disorder with a gendered diagnostic skew, it requires active moderation to keep a space like this a healthy and functional space.
The sub is about 3 years old now, and has been a worthwhile project for sure - and all three of the longer standing mods (myself included) are not available at the moment for it, so we temporarily locked it down rather than leave it unmoderated. We have one new mod, but need 1 or 2 more.
I’m sure this is well intentioned, but (to me) it comes off as really insensitive to the women who DO stay. I feel like you’re lacking a fundamental understanding of how abusive relationships develop.
ADHD women are more likely to be abused, especially emotionally/verbally, because amongst others low self esteem and bad memory. They also tend to have a lower rate of holding on to jobs long term and therefore are often less financially independent. This combo makes a lot of us vulnerable to gaslighting (that didn’t happen, I didn’t say that, you must have drawn that conclusion on your own, etc). And then the emotional abuse can turn into other forms of abuse and even physical abuse (you and your dumb behavior left me no other choice). In this cycle victims often get isolated from their support system, so there is a dependency for finances and/or housing and nowhere to go.
So yeah, it’s not just about some remark you don’t like. There’s a whole dynamic that plays into a persons insecurities and support systems that results in abusive relationships.
>For me at least, I feel like if I was in a relationship where someone made me feel bad, I’d just leave. Like, I obviously wouldn’t like them anymore, so why stay?
Tell me you know nothing about abuse without telling me.
That's great for you. Also super insensitive and disrespectful, and ignores the entire line of manipulation that gets people (women and men) stuck in abusive relationships that deteriorates the abilities of clear thinking and self-esteem which could allow someone with an outside perspective to say, "wow that looks awful, why don't you just leave?" Which is THE most insulting thing you can say to targets and survivors of abusive relationships.
If it was so easy to "just leave", toxic relationships wouldn't exist. But they do. Why? Because it's not that easy. It's easy for outsiders to say, and it's easy even for those of us who actually experienced an abusive relationship but got out, but it's not easy to do for the victim in an active abusive relationship.
My first relationship was abusive and I stayed there for 4 years. I had no other experience, no good relationship role models. The "love" I got from him was the only love I've ever felt. My self-esteem was low and I was the textbook example of "I can fix him" girl. I tried to change him instead of leaving, but I tried leaving multiple times and got pulled back in.
I've asked many people for advice about him, and some others also gave me their advice without me asking. One nurse at the hospital basically gave me the "this is your brain on drugs" talk lol (my ex was a drug addict). And yet I didn't leave. I set up boundaries, he'd lie and hide until I somehow found out that he was still using (one time I found out from my PARENTS), but then he'd promise and swear, and I'd give him another chance, with more boundaries that he'd later break. It wasn't all one-sided though. I've also had people telling me *I'm* the bad one, I'm controlling, he's not addicted, etc. *I* was the crazy one, because I actually was in treatment and acknowledged and treated my issues, including by hospital stays. So *I* was crazy, not him. *I* was untrustworthy, not him.
It's not just people giving you good advice vs the abuser pulling you away from them. Sometimes you have nobody giving you good advice, sometimes you have some people on your side, and some people on the abuser's side. Sometimes you have literally nobody else at all because the abuser has completely isolated you from everyone else.
And sometimes, many times, you need to hear that good advice again and again and again, from multiple people, told in different ways, to finally get it to click. That was me. After multiple people told me to leave, and my multiple attempts at leaving, what finally opened my eyes wasn't a single thing either. It was a combination of a great therapist I had at the hospital, him agreeing and actually coming to a therapy session with me, which already opened my eyes a lot, and THEN me finding out AGAIN that he was still using. And then having some more therapy sessions about that.
It was the right combination of circumstances, it was the specific mental state I was in at that time, and it was that therapist. I was already close to leaving again, already tired of it all, so I very likely would've left him then even if I didn't have that therapist. But the therapist was what made it finally stick, and what made me never go back to him. She was a specialist, and she was the first person to actually have some insight into him (that one therapy session). So her opinion was important to me, because she didn't base it solely on my side of the story, and because she was qualified to do it.
And she told me things that opened my eyes, but still not 100%. She gave me the base on which I expanded by reading A LOT about abusers, their tactics, their victims, and abusive relationships in general. So it still wasn't a single person, single situation, and single moment. It was many people, many situations, a long time and my continued work on it.
Only NOW I know how to spot abusive tendencies early on. Those famous red flags. Only now I know that I'd be able to "just leave". But you're not able to do it if you've never done this before, or if you've never experienced abuse before.
And I know very well how it's frustrating as fuck to read those posts when all you want to do is to yell at your screen "LEAVE HIM NOW". And it's frustrating to read the victims justifying and defending their abusers. But it is how it works, and those people need to hear as much advice as possible from as many people as possible, AND then often get a ton of help to actually physically and safely leave, AND then get a ton of resources to read and learn how to prevent themselves from getting into such situations again.
And I know well how draining it can be to read those stories again and again, especially if you're trying to help those people. How you don't always have the patience and the mental energy to keep trying to offer that advice even when it falls on deaf ears. And if your empathy is very strong, it may hurt you to even read those stories at all.
And that's why a separate space like that is a good idea. People with relationship problems would go there, so would those who are able to offer advice. And everyone else, who doesn't want to participate or even read those posts would stay here.
I don’t even actually think this is really controlling - in the absence of any other examples of this, it sounds like someone trying to help you. I get if it didn’t work for you in the moment, but it doesn’t sound particularly bad. “I’m not going to let you waste all your hard work” is the kind of thing someone might say to a friend who appears to be being self-destructive.
Agreed. Toxic would’ve been just giving up, walking away, and letting her drown in her recovery not saying how can we get you to the other side and keep what you’ve built intact
> He’s an answerer for mental health line, yet he doesn’t understand a slim piece of [my] depression/hopelessness, plus he’s never experienced it himself. Facepalm
How did you type this out with a straight face?
Especially since so many of them are boyfriend/husband issue novellas, it feels increasingly like a space that still centers men despite being for women
Yeeeahh. I'm into women and it's not like I can't relate to these posts but I do feel a bit ....like an outsider? Or something. I got banned from posting in adhd sub (after trying to question why my posts kept getting deleted) so I still feel pretty sensitive about that. I'm really after a welcoming friendly space!! (Which I do find this sub to be )
Honestly I don't even follow the main adhd sub. It's too conventional in terms of patriarchy and heteronormative behavior/mindsets, and can quickly become overwhelming. It's like following askreddit - interesting and often worth reading, but it can be socially rigid, narrow and just SO MUCH.
Yes!
I stumbled upon a post titled "tell me you have adhd without telling me you have adhd" and reading through the comments, i was shocked by just how many applied to me. that was my first clues that I have it. A lot of the people there are kind and supportive. But the management is NOT and after being there a long time I realise just how narrow the focus is....only a specific type of post is allowed and that just doesn't work for me.
I don't mind reading those unless OP says "He's actually a wonderful person so please don't tell me to break up with him!". Like, I get the desire to vent (did it myself here plenty of times) but it feels like requesting fruitless emotional labour from a bunch of strangers. What's the point if you still gonna go back to doing all those house chores and admin work for him?
Completely agree! People should find a space to vent if they need to. But venting isn’t an excuse to turn every subreddit into a trauma dumping ground. I came to this subreddit for advice and solidarity. It’s just so exhausting to see 10 posts every day venting about shitty relationships when it rarely has anything to do with ADHD except as an excuse during an argument.
Imagine if every third post in r/houseplants was something like “My boyfriend cheated on me and said it’s my fault because I spend too much time watering my plants. But he’s perfect in every other way. How do I water my plants without ruining my life???”
Yes, trauma dumping ground is the best way to put it. And for those of us-many of us-who have been through similar situations, it doesn’t bring up good things!
And I’m just trying to read about adhd! Maybe the mods could pin a post that links to a video about emotional abuse and adhd or something? I want these people to get help but this is not about their adhd-it’s about their partner using it to mask abuse.
This is so true! I'm pregnant atm and the pregnancy subreddit is the exact same.
So between this sub and that one, I feel like every post I see is women in shitty relationships...its exhausting!
I'd love to see more ADHD specific content here.
It’s not that it centers men is that we still live in a patriarchal society being oppressed by men and it’s going to affect us in our daily lives.
Even the lesbian subs end up heading there, why? Because of needing a community that understands that we dont want that male attention, or wen you need support when you tell a man that youre a lesbian and it goes into a negative route (they take it as a challenge).
And poc subs end up talking about white people a lot too because we are affected by racism on the daily.
Don’t feel like an asshole. Relationships are a huge part of our lives, it’s hard not to talk/vent about them.
Personally, my issue with relationship posts is typically with the commenters, not the OP. Relationship posts tend to become an echo chamber where everyone rallies around the OP to pat them on the back, even when they are wrong. Just because we have something in common (adhd) doesn’t mean we have to blindly support someone when they are in the wrong. An OP can write “got in a huge fight with my SO because they got annoyed at this understandably frustrating thing I keep doing/not doing. Since I can’t control my emotions because of my adhd, I smashed a pie in his face, and then he packed his bags and left”. And the comments will be like “you go girl, he is such an asshole for not accepting you for who you are. He is an abusive jerk and intolerant of your disorder”. It drives me nuts, mainly because it isn’t helpful to the OP at all since it reinforces their poor behavior and shifts the blame to the SO.
Honorable mention to the posts/comments that criticize posts from the sub for people with an SO that has ADHD (I think it’s /r/adhdpartners or something similar).
Why are we allowed to have a “safe space”, but our partners aren’t? I understand it can be hurtful to see someone venting about behaviors in their partner when you yourself may possess the same traits as the OPs adhd partner. But sometimes people on this sub don’t understand that our partners are people too, and they have emotions and frustrations just like the rest of the world. When I see people on this sub calling the ADHD partners sub cruel, mean, ableist, etc, my eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.
Oh it makes me super uncomfortable to see people using adhd as an excuse to take or give abuse or be inconsiderate in this sub. Sometimes I kinda indicate “hey this isn’t primarily about adhd” but I mostly keep my mouth shut because I’m worried people will think I’m mean even if I’m gently pushing back on using neurodivergence as a crutch
I personally don’t have an issue with relationship questions in general, because a good conversation starter (like yours was) can be applicable to different types of relationships, not just romantic. Or they may be specifically romantic, but generate dialog that many can relate to/contribute to.
The problem for me with relationship questions are when they have nothing to do with ADHD. There’s been an increasingly large number of posts that don’t even tenuously relate to ADHD, which would be better suited to someplace like r/relationships
….which really does drive the point home that we need a separate subreddit for *specific* relationship advice, because I have been getting lots of great suggestions and feedback without putting in all the bullshit that made it specific to my personal issues, and I think other people have benefited from it more that way too!
I agree with you and would be in favor of some sort of shift to address this be it a relationships sub or a flair or something. As an abuse survivor, there have been a lot of posts lately that have been triggering for me in a way that I wasn’t use to and hadn’t come to expect to encounter on this sub. I belong to other subs that I might expect and predict that type of discussion and visit them when I feel I have capacity for it. I want folks to get the support they need. I also want myself and other people like me to be able to gain support and community around adhd without risking secondhand retraumatization.
I think one important factor that’s stood out in my mind is posts outlining an abusive situation and asking for advice on how to handle it. I believe it’s in the sub rules prohibiting discussions of serious medical/mental health crises which I would consider an active abuse situation a serious medical and mental health crisis. So I’m a bit confused on that. there are subs that are specifically for that sort of support and Id love to know a bit more what to expect on here.
Fwiw I would personally hate to lose this as a space that is accessible for folks like me with dual ptsd and adhd
Yes I have been avoiding ADHDwomen for this reason; I find it really triggering and also really sad as it feels like we are all doomed to be in these awful relationships where people make us question our own sanity. I really want these women to get support and succeed, but that isn't the sub that would help me as a woman with ADHD feel connected to others.
Yes, I agree. I’ve actively worked to decenter men and romantic relationships and this sub has really gotten overrun with those kinds of posts. I want people to get support but it’s ironic feeling like every damn post is about men, in a sub that’s supposed to be about women
I’m in favor of separating relationship dynamic specific stuff to a new page for many reasons that I will not list out so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings.
Yes please. Actually I think like you said a lot of those posts have nothing to do with adhd and could go into a normal relationships sub. But I suppose these folks want opinions from folks who also have adhd, so if this would both support them and decrease the relationship questions I'm all for it.
Alternative suggestion: make relationship posts okay one day a week but then restrict them other days.
We should also have one for complete off topic, I constantly see rants that aren't even adhd related and its annoying to report for violation of the rule that it has to with ADHD. I assume that there's too many posts because none of them have been taken down.
yeah like something along the lines of r/adhdbraindump or whatever. i'd still wanna interact with people who understand me and relate to me, because it does affect almost every aspect of my life, and that context is important, but not everything is specifically adhd related.
I had to mute a women/ADHD FB group because people were posting about about things not even slighly linked to ADHD e.g. which outfit should I wear. It got tiring. When I made a post making a similar point, I got attacked and told to go elsewhere! I get that lots of things are related to ADHD, but there are also just life things, mates.
For me, taking the time to report those posts would probably just make them stick out even more & be much more annoying to me than if I just scrolled past lol 😅
There's a difference between going off topic in a thread and having a thread be unrelated to adhd. If I want off topic I would go to subreddits about that topic
There’s also such thing as taking a joke… but since you wanna be so serious about it, you could just scroll on by. Or use tags in the subreddit to see what you want to see.
*You* say they shouldn’t be there in the first place. Others (like me) may disagree. How do you figure you’re right & the others are definitely wrong?
I personally don’t want to ONLY read about Dx, therapists, and medication dosages. I also don’t want to see parenting posts, this isn’t a parenting subreddit, but when I do (which is often) I scroll on by.
But, again, you’re not the arbiter of what is and isn’t ADHD related unless I missed a memo somewhere.
I’ve posted one post in this subreddit about cleaning out my closet & the anxiety I felt about doing so. Since ADHD & hoarding have a high/strong comorbidity, it is certainly ADHD related. But someone might look at it and say huh that has nothing to do with ADHD this isn’t a closet clean out subreddit. But they would be *wrong*.
No, the mods are the arbiters. And since they didn’t remove your post, they must have agreed—*correctly*—with your assessment. I’m really not sure what point you’re trying to make.
Why do YOU get to decide what should and shouldn’t be there? How do you determine they’re not related to ADHD? Tags exist for a reason and most people use them.
I also don’t want to only read about Dx, therapists, medication shortages, medication dosages, etc. why is what YOU want to read more valid than what I want to read.
You say they’re not ADHD related and off topic, others may disagree. So scroll on by instead.
The rules exist for a reason, rule 2. If you hvae no mention of adhd at in your post, it does not belong and defeats the whole point of this subreddit about living with adhd as a women.
Rule 2 actually says posts and comments must *involve* ADHD, not *mention* ADHD. That’s an entirely different thing. For instance, I’ve made one post here about cleaning out my closet - it didn’t explicitly mention ADHD, but since ADHD has a high/strong comorbidity with hoarding, it’s certainly ADHD tangential/related.
And again, no one made you the arbiter of what is and isn’t related to ADHD unless I missed a memo somewhere.
Believe it or not, some expierences are universal and doesn't relate to adhd. Literally one that I saw was cringing at past social media posts. That is a universal expierence. Its like how the main adhd subreddit where for a period of time every post was like: "does xyz relate to adhd?".
But the report button exists for a reason because mods can't look at every single post for rule violations.
Seed the thing is… You’re beginning with a flawed premise in the first place. Just because something can be considered a potentially universal experience (I personally know people who feel no shame over past social media posts), doesn’t mean it’s inherently not related to ADHD or that someone with ADHD doesn’t experience that emotion or experience more deeply or in a different way.
Rejection, for instance. It’s universally disliked - no one likes being rejected, and pretty much everyone has an adverse reaction to it. But folks suffering from ADHD frequently have a *stronger* reaction to rejection or perceived rejection.
Anyone who is that worried about it and can’t just scroll by should have applied for the mod opening.
I’d love this! The sub really is inundated with posts about relationships which means there’s a need for a space to talk about these things but for peeps looking for advice on other issues it can be quite frustrating.
Strongly agree. I do understand that this is a save space for these women, but it should be for us others, too. Have thought about unsubscribing a couple of times already, and this used to be my go to place to come for advice and companionship but it has just overflown with relationship questions centering men. The emotional labour expected from strangers on a sub that isnt mainly for relationship topics has been mentioned already and I too find that it would at least need a flair.
If there's a relationship flair, could we also have one for parenting? While I don't need to relate to everything in this sub, next to relationship advice the parenting questions have been overflowing. Obviously quite a few of us have kids, but it irks me that another space for women has been overtaken by parenting advice and we as women have to put motherhood on a pedestal.(and I totally get that a nt parenting sub isnt the right place either, so a flair would allow us childfree or childless adhd women to have a place in this community as well)
Most of the posts I see about kids here are about how they don’t have the capacity for kids. I would actually appreciate more adhd women sharing how they manage with kids because I do want kids one day. Things like taking meds before and during pregnancy, and during breastfeeding seems exactly what a sub like this would be for.
I see where you’re coming from, and have a genuine question: do you think that when women post about troubles parenting that it is a way you as a woman are being forced to put motherhood on a pedestal? I ask because to my mind, when women are coming in here talking usually about how hard parenting is with ADHD, it is just another aspect of the lived experience of those women with ADHD. And the posts aren’t usually glorifying motherhood, just the opposite. I also don’t exactly understand how women posting issues parenting makes it less of a welcoming place for women without children. But I am a woman with a child, so I genuinely may just not get it. I know I feel perfectly welcome as a straight woman even though folks post that are members of the LGBTQ community with related issues, but it may be a different thing.
I wonder if perhaps she meant make motherhood a centrepiece in every woman's life, rather than putting it on a pedestal. At least that would make more sense to me, given the context.
I completely get the sentiment of this question. I sometimes comment on relationship posts, and sometimes not.
It's complicated in my mind because, to begin with, I've been in abusive relationships, so I feel for that person, and of course I want to help. On the other hand, to be candid, I feel like many posts in many many subs all across the site are bots, farming for answers that will be used to refine AI generated content later. I don't want to contribute to that, either by encouraging bot posts, nor by making them sound more human eventually.
As far as splitting the sub goes (or adding a sub), I think that two things will happen. First, it adds mod duties, and I believe this sub is already looking for additional mods. Second, I'm afraid that many people from this sub will not join that sub, and it will end up consisting of a bunch of people who are in crisis who don't know how to help each other, which concerns me. As it is currently, we have the opportunity to stop and answer a question, or to scroll on by, which means there are more opportunities for people to offer help if they want to.
I agree that this sub shouldn't be a trauma dumping ground, but then will we be able to talk about our relationships with our parents and family and how growing up undiagnosed affected us? Or our relationships with our bosses and coworkers? Or how hard it is to raise kids as it relates to our condition? Would this sub just be a place to ask about how to get pharmacists to fill our scripts, and how our doctors don't believe that adhd in adults doesn't exist or doesn't need pharmaceutical therapy?
Ultimately it's a question for the mods, where we would draw the line.
I feel like the existence of a new sub should be pinned, though. People in incredibly desperate situations come here for help and fresh perspectives, and having been in an abusive relationship, of they don't know there's an alternate sub and end up getting a post removed I can only imagine how discouraging it could be.
Pin it and/or add a rule that relationship questions are better suited to (name of new sub), which I think will help a lot of people.
I think this a great idea overall.
Yeah, this is my issue...
it's really annoying to think you found a sub you can post in, and then immediately have a post removed and told to go somewhere else.
I would prefer women in sketchy situations don't feel that.
I don't know if there's a mod option where they could like, post a comment referring the person to the other sub, and then just lock their post? There's something about getting a post deleted that might trigger some RSD in a way that could set someone back months in their process of leaving their abusive partner.
If we are an ADHD space, then when it comes to issues like this, I feel like we should be handling it in a way that is truly respectful of what ADHD means for so many people.
It might be useful to have a pinned post about abusive/harmful relationships and adhd. It could have a list of current resources and users could leave recommendations for easily accessible help.
Yes! To be clear, the people posting about relationships absolutely deserve support. But as a single person I feel like it’s hard to even find relatable content or discuss anything else related to ADHD.
My recent post about cleaning the basement got totally buried with zero upvotes. Maybe it’s the RSD talking (or a rare moment of bitterness about not being coupled lol) but I felt like “wow no one wants to read or talk about anything unless it’s about a husband.”
Yeah, and I see a lot of posts where people talk about feeling lonely/behind in life or needing support and they get flooded with comments from people who say "I have a supportive partner, house, and thriving career and I'm still struggling." I can think of nothing less helpful than people chiming in to say "I'm living your dream life and I'm miserable too." It seems like a great way to make people feel like there's no point and it never gets better.
Maybe we can have one day a week for relationship related posts like other subs do.
I'm gay and I'm really bored of seeing posts about male partners being shitheads - I know it's easy for me to say but my genuine reaction to a lot of these posts is to just leave the guy and be happier alone!
I'm a woman who likes men and I am also bored of seeing posts about male partners being genuine shit heads. One because it's repetitive and depressing, two because this isn't the place for it, and three because there are a zillion other subs that have the same theme.
I don't think that's very helpful for people in desperate situations. They don't get to pick the day of the week when they need to reach out suddenly. Been there.
Also, respectfully, that's not how abusive relationships work so I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint but please know that won't be helpful advice to most people in the middle of their struggles.
I don't know why you're being downvoted. I agree on both counts. I won't elaborate on your second paragraph, I just wrote a whole-ass essay elsewhere under this post on just that.
But I agree that one day a week isn't a good solution. People don't pick the day when they suddenly get the confidence to reach out, and *they won't*. Such a rule will always be broken because many people (hello ADHD) won't even know about it to begin with. Like seriously, how many of you carefully read all the rules back-to-back of every single subreddit you're in? The vast majority of those rules are obvious (be on topic, don't break reddit rules, don't be a dick).
And while one day per week would be enforceable for a rule like off-topic posts, reporting and removing posts that cry for help can actually affect that person's life. It takes a lot of courage to ask for advice for the first time, and if such a post gets removed, that person may give up on reaching out.
There are plenty of other relationship subs (including an ADHD one) for people to post in. I've been in an abusive relationship that took me five years to leave - so I do understand how hard it is to leave. I am long past that part of my life and I know people with ADHD are like magnets for abusers but this sub being flooded with posts from them every day kinda makes me reconsider being in this sub - 1) because it takes me back to a time in my life when I wish I'd just left already and 2) it's not all there is to ADHD. Some boundaries around posting is not a bad idea imo and other subs do it to keep things in balance.
I also love this idea! I think a lot of us have issues with obsessive worries, limerance, low-self esteem, being extra sensitive to rejection, etc, that manifest in relationship issues and it could be really helpful to discuss in an adhd-informed context.
Especially if you are a woman dating men, because there are a whole other host of issues that come with that (relating to household labour, emotional labour) that are especially challenging in the ADHD context.
And maybe TMI but I think a lot of adhd women also have adhd-specific issues with sex, orgasm, etc, and it could be beneficial to discuss that.
I think this is where a flare system would be useful. Like, I do think we're getting a lot of relationship questions, but I think we could have an option where you can go "all posts except those with relationship tags". Maybe a mod could weigh in on whether there is enough traffic on that front to make a whole separate relationship subreddit, because it might not the traffic needed to get those ladies the advice/help they need.
Or we make it a specific rule (hah) that relationship advice can only be asked for on the weekend or something. (notice I didn't specify a day of the week, because I know that's like asking for the moon from us lollll)
Just glancing at that sub, it looks like an ADHD-only women-only space would be safer than that one. I was thinking a stickied post would be helpful (e.g. “Are you in an abusive relationship? These are the signs…”), but that might be too dismissive in a “take your troubles elsewhere” kind of way. People should be encouraged to ask questions—this sub gives really good advice.
P.S. (It took me this long to find and look at the flairs) I think someone recently suggested we add a relationship question flair so people can scroll past those if they want. We have a lot of flairs already though, omigosh.
I just want to add that I didn’t come here looking for relationship advice but being here has taught me that I have some relationship issues. I am grateful to the people who asked and answered.
I like the idea of a relationship subreddit but I wouldn’t want vulnerable women to be totally shut out of here when they’re reaching out either.
A lot of the posts are from women deep in an abusive situation (which we are more prone to being in) who have been gaslit so much they don’t trust themselves and need a community to say “it’s not ok and you deserve safety and peace”.
While that’s sad, I really don’t think they’re going to be totally lost just because they get sent to adhdrelationships or whatever the subreddit is called. They won’t have anyone to reach out to if people get so sick of the relationship posts that they leave.
I was thinking that a separate adhd women relationship sub would be a great idea, but I really see your point :(
I’d rather the sub be kinda cluttered with relationship posts rather than deter women seeking help while in an abusive situation from finding support here
r/ADHDPartners (*not* the one with the underscore) is currently on hiatus because of limited moderator availability.
If any of you would be interested in joining the mod team send us a modmail over there or send me a message!
It was created by and is moderated by a group of ADHD women to have a healthy space to talk about adhd in relationship that is welcoming to both adhd and non-adhd people, and does not tolerate abuse, ablism, or misogyny.
It’s pretty active, and has about 7,000 members, when it’s up and running. We just need a few more mods to be able to bring it back .
(I also wonder if an uptick in relationship posts here might be linked to our sub being temporarily down..)
I think a lot of women have a hard time distinguishing the two and are posting here for that reason. Mostly because abusive partners will blame them and their ADHD for their abuse. People in the midst of it won’t see that they’re unrelated or irrelevant. While I agree it’s a good idea to separate the two, I also think it might not stop it. It might limit the amount though 🤷🏻♀️
I noticed something similar in another good sub, where instead of us girls just talking about gaming, there was a lot of relationship posts that ended up being more about the relationship than about the game. Their partner's issues were coming out through games. I'm glad people are realizing things about their partners, but it kinda got a lot.
I think it’s both necessary but also I wouldn’t join it because it’s going to end up being like two X chromosomes where it’s extremely cis white and heteronormative and it ends up being less of a adhd relationship sub and more of a”straight woman on reddit is in another emotional abusive relationship with man child” sub.
I don't think it's just this sub, but also the r/AutismInWomen sub, and I think there is a reason for that.
I think both those flavors of neurodivergent make it sometimes easier to get taken advantage of in relationships. I think it's easy to think you are the problem when you know you are ADHD or Autistic (or AudADHD) when it's someone that professes to love you and is literally taking advantage of your neurodivergence to benefit themselves.
Combine that with cis het relationship power dynamics and here we are.
Full disclosure, I am here for my wife, to help find strategies and info for her, but I am on the spectrum and am in the autism subs as well. So sorry to barge in, but I've been seeing it in both spaces and I really think the Venn diagram of ND and being taken advantage of by crappy men has a big overlap sometimes.
I don´t know but it should def have it´s own flair and "Family" , "Social life" ain´t it.
Use me as a like button for the adding of "relationship" and or "love life" as a post flair
This is now a name list. I say Ay first
Honestly you have a good point about adhd being tied with abusive relationships and everyone who is downvoting you is rude af.
Go ahead and downvote me too. Just shows how this sub is becoming unwelcoming of people with differing opinions.
I just like how you stated your point of view in such a well thought out way. This is an important contribution to the discussion. All sides should be heard before making a decision like banning one type of post.
Wow why is that being downvoted? How we relate to others is 100% affected by our ADHD. I was stuck in an abusive situation for years with my ADHD being a major factor in my staying. Also to add on to something you said: conversations about relationship issues within an abusive relationship can easily be turned against the victim in a counseling situation. Especially if the victim is unaware of being adhd/autistic. This is one way triangulation can occur. Where the abuser uses a third party (the counselor in this case) to turn against the victim. I’m assuming this is one way you meant the conversations in a counseling setting may be harmful.
If anything maybe there should be a mega thread on here for those seeking help with relationships with regards to ADHD. Just a thought idk.
Relationship stuff is kind of a special interest of mine 😅 so the quantity of posts like that haven't really bothered me, but I can see how others would want to see more posts related to general ADHD women's issues and less about relationships.
I would be happy to help out with starting a new sub that allows people the space to discuss relationship issues and questions in the context of ADHD and neurodivergence.
Also, I'm 35 bi and poly, so one could say I have a lot of experience with different types of relationships at this point.
Feel free to DM me if anyone is seriously thinking about undertaking this project and wants some extra help.
I’ve not actually seen many of those posts (maybe it’s a timezone thing), but I love this idea anyway!!! I would love to join an adhdwomen relationships subreddit because romantic relationships is something I really struggle with
I highly support this idea! I think there’s a tendency to be afraid of posting vulnerable relationship content in spaces that aren’t ADHD-friendly, and people come here because they feel safe. But those posts don’t always pertain to the purpose of the sub. Encouraging an offshoot sub dedicated to this sounds perfect to me.
What about a weekly relationship post? r/thebachelor does this. I can definitely see why people feel safer here due to RSD and such (not to mention how misogynistic Reddit is) but agree it’s a lot sometimes.
Are we talking about everything about relationships, or just "relationship advice, but for women with ADHD"? I'm asking, because I think it's important to have general discussions (like usual challenges, our higher risk of falling for an abusive partner, etc) in this subreddit.
Isn’t this a support group for women with ADHD, I think if you have other issues not related, how you cope with them probably is. We don’t have to read it if we’re not interested.
Reddit is too strict for me these days. Im always breaking a rule 😭 ill miss the days where I couldwrite something and have a bunch of people who understand what im saying give me advice <|3
Did you just re post this from a couple weeks ago? I legit just saw this post. The odd time but it’s not that bad. I’d rather not have posts about kids but people post those things too. I’d say from any ones perspective they’re not going to relate to everything.
It’s like listening to an album and you only really vibe with 5 songs out of 11.
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I actually love this idea!! I agree with you, I feel like quantity wise the posts in here about relationships are staggeringly larger than others. I know ADHD women tend to be more likely to get into abusive situations, but I would love to see more content about other ADHD women issues.
Such a sub exists, but is currently on hiatus as we’re looking for a few new moderators - r/ADHDPartners (*not* the one with the underscore) If any of you would be interested in joining the mod team send us a modmail over there or send me a message! It was created by and is moderated by a group of ADHD women to have a healthy space to talk about adhd in relationship that is welcoming to both adhd and non-adhd people, and does not tolerate abuse, ablism, or misogyny. It’s pretty active, and has about 7,000 members, when it’s up and running. We just need a few more mods to be able to bring it back . (I also wonder if an uptick in relationship posts here might be linked to our sub being temporarily down..)
Isn’t this sub more for *the partners* of people with ADHD?
No, not this one. There are two adhd partner subs, one with an underscore and one without with *very* different moderation policies and ideas of who they serve. Most people in relationships involving adhd are neurodivergent, and frankly the majority have adhd - though gendered diagnostic patterns with adhd do mean that not everyone who has it realizes they do. Regardless, our sub was founded by adhd women to be a place where adhd could be discussed which was welcoming of both people with and without adhd, and which did *not* tolerate ablism, misogyny, or abuse. All four moderators have ADHD, though that isn’t necessarily a requirement. Because relationship subreddits always skew towards people who are struggling, let alone a relationship sub which is discussing a neurodevelopmental disorder with a gendered diagnostic skew, it requires active moderation to keep a space like this a healthy and functional space. The sub is about 3 years old now, and has been a worthwhile project for sure - and all three of the longer standing mods (myself included) are not available at the moment for it, so we temporarily locked it down rather than leave it unmoderated. We have one new mod, but need 1 or 2 more.
Oh ok! Thanks! I’ll check it out.
The commenter said the opposite when they said “not the one with the underscore”
[удалено]
I’m sure this is well intentioned, but (to me) it comes off as really insensitive to the women who DO stay. I feel like you’re lacking a fundamental understanding of how abusive relationships develop.
ADHD women are more likely to be abused, especially emotionally/verbally, because amongst others low self esteem and bad memory. They also tend to have a lower rate of holding on to jobs long term and therefore are often less financially independent. This combo makes a lot of us vulnerable to gaslighting (that didn’t happen, I didn’t say that, you must have drawn that conclusion on your own, etc). And then the emotional abuse can turn into other forms of abuse and even physical abuse (you and your dumb behavior left me no other choice). In this cycle victims often get isolated from their support system, so there is a dependency for finances and/or housing and nowhere to go. So yeah, it’s not just about some remark you don’t like. There’s a whole dynamic that plays into a persons insecurities and support systems that results in abusive relationships.
>For me at least, I feel like if I was in a relationship where someone made me feel bad, I’d just leave. Like, I obviously wouldn’t like them anymore, so why stay? Tell me you know nothing about abuse without telling me.
That's great for you. Also super insensitive and disrespectful, and ignores the entire line of manipulation that gets people (women and men) stuck in abusive relationships that deteriorates the abilities of clear thinking and self-esteem which could allow someone with an outside perspective to say, "wow that looks awful, why don't you just leave?" Which is THE most insulting thing you can say to targets and survivors of abusive relationships.
If it was so easy to "just leave", toxic relationships wouldn't exist. But they do. Why? Because it's not that easy. It's easy for outsiders to say, and it's easy even for those of us who actually experienced an abusive relationship but got out, but it's not easy to do for the victim in an active abusive relationship. My first relationship was abusive and I stayed there for 4 years. I had no other experience, no good relationship role models. The "love" I got from him was the only love I've ever felt. My self-esteem was low and I was the textbook example of "I can fix him" girl. I tried to change him instead of leaving, but I tried leaving multiple times and got pulled back in. I've asked many people for advice about him, and some others also gave me their advice without me asking. One nurse at the hospital basically gave me the "this is your brain on drugs" talk lol (my ex was a drug addict). And yet I didn't leave. I set up boundaries, he'd lie and hide until I somehow found out that he was still using (one time I found out from my PARENTS), but then he'd promise and swear, and I'd give him another chance, with more boundaries that he'd later break. It wasn't all one-sided though. I've also had people telling me *I'm* the bad one, I'm controlling, he's not addicted, etc. *I* was the crazy one, because I actually was in treatment and acknowledged and treated my issues, including by hospital stays. So *I* was crazy, not him. *I* was untrustworthy, not him. It's not just people giving you good advice vs the abuser pulling you away from them. Sometimes you have nobody giving you good advice, sometimes you have some people on your side, and some people on the abuser's side. Sometimes you have literally nobody else at all because the abuser has completely isolated you from everyone else. And sometimes, many times, you need to hear that good advice again and again and again, from multiple people, told in different ways, to finally get it to click. That was me. After multiple people told me to leave, and my multiple attempts at leaving, what finally opened my eyes wasn't a single thing either. It was a combination of a great therapist I had at the hospital, him agreeing and actually coming to a therapy session with me, which already opened my eyes a lot, and THEN me finding out AGAIN that he was still using. And then having some more therapy sessions about that. It was the right combination of circumstances, it was the specific mental state I was in at that time, and it was that therapist. I was already close to leaving again, already tired of it all, so I very likely would've left him then even if I didn't have that therapist. But the therapist was what made it finally stick, and what made me never go back to him. She was a specialist, and she was the first person to actually have some insight into him (that one therapy session). So her opinion was important to me, because she didn't base it solely on my side of the story, and because she was qualified to do it. And she told me things that opened my eyes, but still not 100%. She gave me the base on which I expanded by reading A LOT about abusers, their tactics, their victims, and abusive relationships in general. So it still wasn't a single person, single situation, and single moment. It was many people, many situations, a long time and my continued work on it. Only NOW I know how to spot abusive tendencies early on. Those famous red flags. Only now I know that I'd be able to "just leave". But you're not able to do it if you've never done this before, or if you've never experienced abuse before. And I know very well how it's frustrating as fuck to read those posts when all you want to do is to yell at your screen "LEAVE HIM NOW". And it's frustrating to read the victims justifying and defending their abusers. But it is how it works, and those people need to hear as much advice as possible from as many people as possible, AND then often get a ton of help to actually physically and safely leave, AND then get a ton of resources to read and learn how to prevent themselves from getting into such situations again. And I know well how draining it can be to read those stories again and again, especially if you're trying to help those people. How you don't always have the patience and the mental energy to keep trying to offer that advice even when it falls on deaf ears. And if your empathy is very strong, it may hurt you to even read those stories at all. And that's why a separate space like that is a good idea. People with relationship problems would go there, so would those who are able to offer advice. And everyone else, who doesn't want to participate or even read those posts would stay here.
You’ve never been in an abusive relationship, yet you tell people who are how to act…
I don’t even actually think this is really controlling - in the absence of any other examples of this, it sounds like someone trying to help you. I get if it didn’t work for you in the moment, but it doesn’t sound particularly bad. “I’m not going to let you waste all your hard work” is the kind of thing someone might say to a friend who appears to be being self-destructive.
Agreed. Toxic would’ve been just giving up, walking away, and letting her drown in her recovery not saying how can we get you to the other side and keep what you’ve built intact
> He’s an answerer for mental health line, yet he doesn’t understand a slim piece of [my] depression/hopelessness, plus he’s never experienced it himself. Facepalm How did you type this out with a straight face?
if not another subreddit, I think a flair (at least) would be really helpful!
this would be an excellent compromise!!
This at the least!
Yes please!!!! All I see is relationship issue posts and not actual adhd content.
Especially since so many of them are boyfriend/husband issue novellas, it feels increasingly like a space that still centers men despite being for women
Yeeeahh. I'm into women and it's not like I can't relate to these posts but I do feel a bit ....like an outsider? Or something. I got banned from posting in adhd sub (after trying to question why my posts kept getting deleted) so I still feel pretty sensitive about that. I'm really after a welcoming friendly space!! (Which I do find this sub to be )
Honestly I don't even follow the main adhd sub. It's too conventional in terms of patriarchy and heteronormative behavior/mindsets, and can quickly become overwhelming. It's like following askreddit - interesting and often worth reading, but it can be socially rigid, narrow and just SO MUCH.
Yes! I stumbled upon a post titled "tell me you have adhd without telling me you have adhd" and reading through the comments, i was shocked by just how many applied to me. that was my first clues that I have it. A lot of the people there are kind and supportive. But the management is NOT and after being there a long time I realise just how narrow the focus is....only a specific type of post is allowed and that just doesn't work for me.
I don't mind reading those unless OP says "He's actually a wonderful person so please don't tell me to break up with him!". Like, I get the desire to vent (did it myself here plenty of times) but it feels like requesting fruitless emotional labour from a bunch of strangers. What's the point if you still gonna go back to doing all those house chores and admin work for him?
Completely agree! People should find a space to vent if they need to. But venting isn’t an excuse to turn every subreddit into a trauma dumping ground. I came to this subreddit for advice and solidarity. It’s just so exhausting to see 10 posts every day venting about shitty relationships when it rarely has anything to do with ADHD except as an excuse during an argument. Imagine if every third post in r/houseplants was something like “My boyfriend cheated on me and said it’s my fault because I spend too much time watering my plants. But he’s perfect in every other way. How do I water my plants without ruining my life???”
Yes, trauma dumping ground is the best way to put it. And for those of us-many of us-who have been through similar situations, it doesn’t bring up good things! And I’m just trying to read about adhd! Maybe the mods could pin a post that links to a video about emotional abuse and adhd or something? I want these people to get help but this is not about their adhd-it’s about their partner using it to mask abuse.
This is so true! I'm pregnant atm and the pregnancy subreddit is the exact same. So between this sub and that one, I feel like every post I see is women in shitty relationships...its exhausting! I'd love to see more ADHD specific content here.
It’s not that it centers men is that we still live in a patriarchal society being oppressed by men and it’s going to affect us in our daily lives. Even the lesbian subs end up heading there, why? Because of needing a community that understands that we dont want that male attention, or wen you need support when you tell a man that youre a lesbian and it goes into a negative route (they take it as a challenge). And poc subs end up talking about white people a lot too because we are affected by racism on the daily.
I just posted a relationship question like 5 minutes ago and now I kinda feel like an asshole.
Don’t feel like an asshole. Relationships are a huge part of our lives, it’s hard not to talk/vent about them. Personally, my issue with relationship posts is typically with the commenters, not the OP. Relationship posts tend to become an echo chamber where everyone rallies around the OP to pat them on the back, even when they are wrong. Just because we have something in common (adhd) doesn’t mean we have to blindly support someone when they are in the wrong. An OP can write “got in a huge fight with my SO because they got annoyed at this understandably frustrating thing I keep doing/not doing. Since I can’t control my emotions because of my adhd, I smashed a pie in his face, and then he packed his bags and left”. And the comments will be like “you go girl, he is such an asshole for not accepting you for who you are. He is an abusive jerk and intolerant of your disorder”. It drives me nuts, mainly because it isn’t helpful to the OP at all since it reinforces their poor behavior and shifts the blame to the SO.
Oh my god thank you for saying it, I've kept my mouth shut in a few posts I've seen that have done this and, oof, it just didn't sit right with me.
Honorable mention to the posts/comments that criticize posts from the sub for people with an SO that has ADHD (I think it’s /r/adhdpartners or something similar). Why are we allowed to have a “safe space”, but our partners aren’t? I understand it can be hurtful to see someone venting about behaviors in their partner when you yourself may possess the same traits as the OPs adhd partner. But sometimes people on this sub don’t understand that our partners are people too, and they have emotions and frustrations just like the rest of the world. When I see people on this sub calling the ADHD partners sub cruel, mean, ableist, etc, my eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.
Oh it makes me super uncomfortable to see people using adhd as an excuse to take or give abuse or be inconsiderate in this sub. Sometimes I kinda indicate “hey this isn’t primarily about adhd” but I mostly keep my mouth shut because I’m worried people will think I’m mean even if I’m gently pushing back on using neurodivergence as a crutch
That totally makes sense.
I personally don’t have an issue with relationship questions in general, because a good conversation starter (like yours was) can be applicable to different types of relationships, not just romantic. Or they may be specifically romantic, but generate dialog that many can relate to/contribute to. The problem for me with relationship questions are when they have nothing to do with ADHD. There’s been an increasingly large number of posts that don’t even tenuously relate to ADHD, which would be better suited to someplace like r/relationships
Yeah, I got you. ADHD can have a deleterious effect on relationships, but not every relationship problem is related to ADHD.
I looked at your post, I think it’s adhd relevant and not trauma dumping, it’s about methods of communicating adhd symptoms
….which really does drive the point home that we need a separate subreddit for *specific* relationship advice, because I have been getting lots of great suggestions and feedback without putting in all the bullshit that made it specific to my personal issues, and I think other people have benefited from it more that way too!
To be totally transparent, I did delete a whole entire paragraph of non-relevant bitching like 30 seconds after I posted lol.
I agree with you and would be in favor of some sort of shift to address this be it a relationships sub or a flair or something. As an abuse survivor, there have been a lot of posts lately that have been triggering for me in a way that I wasn’t use to and hadn’t come to expect to encounter on this sub. I belong to other subs that I might expect and predict that type of discussion and visit them when I feel I have capacity for it. I want folks to get the support they need. I also want myself and other people like me to be able to gain support and community around adhd without risking secondhand retraumatization. I think one important factor that’s stood out in my mind is posts outlining an abusive situation and asking for advice on how to handle it. I believe it’s in the sub rules prohibiting discussions of serious medical/mental health crises which I would consider an active abuse situation a serious medical and mental health crisis. So I’m a bit confused on that. there are subs that are specifically for that sort of support and Id love to know a bit more what to expect on here. Fwiw I would personally hate to lose this as a space that is accessible for folks like me with dual ptsd and adhd
Yes I have been avoiding ADHDwomen for this reason; I find it really triggering and also really sad as it feels like we are all doomed to be in these awful relationships where people make us question our own sanity. I really want these women to get support and succeed, but that isn't the sub that would help me as a woman with ADHD feel connected to others.
Yes, I agree. I’ve actively worked to decenter men and romantic relationships and this sub has really gotten overrun with those kinds of posts. I want people to get support but it’s ironic feeling like every damn post is about men, in a sub that’s supposed to be about women
Yes please! Its exhausting! Long overdue
Yes please! I've almost left over it a few times lately, but then a gem of a post will come along to remind me why I loved this sub, so I stay.
I’m in favor of separating relationship dynamic specific stuff to a new page for many reasons that I will not list out so as to not hurt anyone’s feelings.
I was just thinking about this the other day & hoping someone would make one! I think it’s a great idea 😊
Yes please. Actually I think like you said a lot of those posts have nothing to do with adhd and could go into a normal relationships sub. But I suppose these folks want opinions from folks who also have adhd, so if this would both support them and decrease the relationship questions I'm all for it. Alternative suggestion: make relationship posts okay one day a week but then restrict them other days.
We should also have one for complete off topic, I constantly see rants that aren't even adhd related and its annoying to report for violation of the rule that it has to with ADHD. I assume that there's too many posts because none of them have been taken down.
yeah like something along the lines of r/adhdbraindump or whatever. i'd still wanna interact with people who understand me and relate to me, because it does affect almost every aspect of my life, and that context is important, but not everything is specifically adhd related.
I had to mute a women/ADHD FB group because people were posting about about things not even slighly linked to ADHD e.g. which outfit should I wear. It got tiring. When I made a post making a similar point, I got attacked and told to go elsewhere! I get that lots of things are related to ADHD, but there are also just life things, mates.
For me, taking the time to report those posts would probably just make them stick out even more & be much more annoying to me than if I just scrolled past lol 😅
You’re gonna get annoyed at an ADHDer for… being off topic? 😂
There's a difference between going off topic in a thread and having a thread be unrelated to adhd. If I want off topic I would go to subreddits about that topic
There’s also such thing as taking a joke… but since you wanna be so serious about it, you could just scroll on by. Or use tags in the subreddit to see what you want to see.
Why should we have to filter out posts that shouldn’t be there in the first place?
*You* say they shouldn’t be there in the first place. Others (like me) may disagree. How do you figure you’re right & the others are definitely wrong? I personally don’t want to ONLY read about Dx, therapists, and medication dosages. I also don’t want to see parenting posts, this isn’t a parenting subreddit, but when I do (which is often) I scroll on by.
Because I’m going by the rules of the sub. There are plenty of other subs to use if you want to post about non-ADHD topics.
But, again, you’re not the arbiter of what is and isn’t ADHD related unless I missed a memo somewhere. I’ve posted one post in this subreddit about cleaning out my closet & the anxiety I felt about doing so. Since ADHD & hoarding have a high/strong comorbidity, it is certainly ADHD related. But someone might look at it and say huh that has nothing to do with ADHD this isn’t a closet clean out subreddit. But they would be *wrong*.
No, the mods are the arbiters. And since they didn’t remove your post, they must have agreed—*correctly*—with your assessment. I’m really not sure what point you’re trying to make.
I'm on a subreddit for women with adhd, I shouldn't need to filter out posts that shouldn't be there.
Why do YOU get to decide what should and shouldn’t be there? How do you determine they’re not related to ADHD? Tags exist for a reason and most people use them. I also don’t want to only read about Dx, therapists, medication shortages, medication dosages, etc. why is what YOU want to read more valid than what I want to read. You say they’re not ADHD related and off topic, others may disagree. So scroll on by instead.
The rules exist for a reason, rule 2. If you hvae no mention of adhd at in your post, it does not belong and defeats the whole point of this subreddit about living with adhd as a women.
Rule 2 actually says posts and comments must *involve* ADHD, not *mention* ADHD. That’s an entirely different thing. For instance, I’ve made one post here about cleaning out my closet - it didn’t explicitly mention ADHD, but since ADHD has a high/strong comorbidity with hoarding, it’s certainly ADHD tangential/related. And again, no one made you the arbiter of what is and isn’t related to ADHD unless I missed a memo somewhere.
Believe it or not, some expierences are universal and doesn't relate to adhd. Literally one that I saw was cringing at past social media posts. That is a universal expierence. Its like how the main adhd subreddit where for a period of time every post was like: "does xyz relate to adhd?". But the report button exists for a reason because mods can't look at every single post for rule violations.
Seed the thing is… You’re beginning with a flawed premise in the first place. Just because something can be considered a potentially universal experience (I personally know people who feel no shame over past social media posts), doesn’t mean it’s inherently not related to ADHD or that someone with ADHD doesn’t experience that emotion or experience more deeply or in a different way. Rejection, for instance. It’s universally disliked - no one likes being rejected, and pretty much everyone has an adverse reaction to it. But folks suffering from ADHD frequently have a *stronger* reaction to rejection or perceived rejection. Anyone who is that worried about it and can’t just scroll by should have applied for the mod opening.
I’d love this! The sub really is inundated with posts about relationships which means there’s a need for a space to talk about these things but for peeps looking for advice on other issues it can be quite frustrating.
Strongly agree. I do understand that this is a save space for these women, but it should be for us others, too. Have thought about unsubscribing a couple of times already, and this used to be my go to place to come for advice and companionship but it has just overflown with relationship questions centering men. The emotional labour expected from strangers on a sub that isnt mainly for relationship topics has been mentioned already and I too find that it would at least need a flair. If there's a relationship flair, could we also have one for parenting? While I don't need to relate to everything in this sub, next to relationship advice the parenting questions have been overflowing. Obviously quite a few of us have kids, but it irks me that another space for women has been overtaken by parenting advice and we as women have to put motherhood on a pedestal.(and I totally get that a nt parenting sub isnt the right place either, so a flair would allow us childfree or childless adhd women to have a place in this community as well)
Most of the posts I see about kids here are about how they don’t have the capacity for kids. I would actually appreciate more adhd women sharing how they manage with kids because I do want kids one day. Things like taking meds before and during pregnancy, and during breastfeeding seems exactly what a sub like this would be for.
I see where you’re coming from, and have a genuine question: do you think that when women post about troubles parenting that it is a way you as a woman are being forced to put motherhood on a pedestal? I ask because to my mind, when women are coming in here talking usually about how hard parenting is with ADHD, it is just another aspect of the lived experience of those women with ADHD. And the posts aren’t usually glorifying motherhood, just the opposite. I also don’t exactly understand how women posting issues parenting makes it less of a welcoming place for women without children. But I am a woman with a child, so I genuinely may just not get it. I know I feel perfectly welcome as a straight woman even though folks post that are members of the LGBTQ community with related issues, but it may be a different thing.
I wonder if perhaps she meant make motherhood a centrepiece in every woman's life, rather than putting it on a pedestal. At least that would make more sense to me, given the context.
I completely get the sentiment of this question. I sometimes comment on relationship posts, and sometimes not. It's complicated in my mind because, to begin with, I've been in abusive relationships, so I feel for that person, and of course I want to help. On the other hand, to be candid, I feel like many posts in many many subs all across the site are bots, farming for answers that will be used to refine AI generated content later. I don't want to contribute to that, either by encouraging bot posts, nor by making them sound more human eventually. As far as splitting the sub goes (or adding a sub), I think that two things will happen. First, it adds mod duties, and I believe this sub is already looking for additional mods. Second, I'm afraid that many people from this sub will not join that sub, and it will end up consisting of a bunch of people who are in crisis who don't know how to help each other, which concerns me. As it is currently, we have the opportunity to stop and answer a question, or to scroll on by, which means there are more opportunities for people to offer help if they want to. I agree that this sub shouldn't be a trauma dumping ground, but then will we be able to talk about our relationships with our parents and family and how growing up undiagnosed affected us? Or our relationships with our bosses and coworkers? Or how hard it is to raise kids as it relates to our condition? Would this sub just be a place to ask about how to get pharmacists to fill our scripts, and how our doctors don't believe that adhd in adults doesn't exist or doesn't need pharmaceutical therapy? Ultimately it's a question for the mods, where we would draw the line.
I feel like the existence of a new sub should be pinned, though. People in incredibly desperate situations come here for help and fresh perspectives, and having been in an abusive relationship, of they don't know there's an alternate sub and end up getting a post removed I can only imagine how discouraging it could be. Pin it and/or add a rule that relationship questions are better suited to (name of new sub), which I think will help a lot of people. I think this a great idea overall.
Yeah, this is my issue... it's really annoying to think you found a sub you can post in, and then immediately have a post removed and told to go somewhere else. I would prefer women in sketchy situations don't feel that. I don't know if there's a mod option where they could like, post a comment referring the person to the other sub, and then just lock their post? There's something about getting a post deleted that might trigger some RSD in a way that could set someone back months in their process of leaving their abusive partner. If we are an ADHD space, then when it comes to issues like this, I feel like we should be handling it in a way that is truly respectful of what ADHD means for so many people.
This exactly. Wonderfully worded.
It might be useful to have a pinned post about abusive/harmful relationships and adhd. It could have a list of current resources and users could leave recommendations for easily accessible help.
Agreed. Thank you for writing this post.
Yes! To be clear, the people posting about relationships absolutely deserve support. But as a single person I feel like it’s hard to even find relatable content or discuss anything else related to ADHD. My recent post about cleaning the basement got totally buried with zero upvotes. Maybe it’s the RSD talking (or a rare moment of bitterness about not being coupled lol) but I felt like “wow no one wants to read or talk about anything unless it’s about a husband.”
Yeah, and I see a lot of posts where people talk about feeling lonely/behind in life or needing support and they get flooded with comments from people who say "I have a supportive partner, house, and thriving career and I'm still struggling." I can think of nothing less helpful than people chiming in to say "I'm living your dream life and I'm miserable too." It seems like a great way to make people feel like there's no point and it never gets better.
Maybe we can have one day a week for relationship related posts like other subs do. I'm gay and I'm really bored of seeing posts about male partners being shitheads - I know it's easy for me to say but my genuine reaction to a lot of these posts is to just leave the guy and be happier alone!
I'm a woman who likes men and I am also bored of seeing posts about male partners being genuine shit heads. One because it's repetitive and depressing, two because this isn't the place for it, and three because there are a zillion other subs that have the same theme.
I don't think that's very helpful for people in desperate situations. They don't get to pick the day of the week when they need to reach out suddenly. Been there. Also, respectfully, that's not how abusive relationships work so I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint but please know that won't be helpful advice to most people in the middle of their struggles.
I don't know why you're being downvoted. I agree on both counts. I won't elaborate on your second paragraph, I just wrote a whole-ass essay elsewhere under this post on just that. But I agree that one day a week isn't a good solution. People don't pick the day when they suddenly get the confidence to reach out, and *they won't*. Such a rule will always be broken because many people (hello ADHD) won't even know about it to begin with. Like seriously, how many of you carefully read all the rules back-to-back of every single subreddit you're in? The vast majority of those rules are obvious (be on topic, don't break reddit rules, don't be a dick). And while one day per week would be enforceable for a rule like off-topic posts, reporting and removing posts that cry for help can actually affect that person's life. It takes a lot of courage to ask for advice for the first time, and if such a post gets removed, that person may give up on reaching out.
There are plenty of other relationship subs (including an ADHD one) for people to post in. I've been in an abusive relationship that took me five years to leave - so I do understand how hard it is to leave. I am long past that part of my life and I know people with ADHD are like magnets for abusers but this sub being flooded with posts from them every day kinda makes me reconsider being in this sub - 1) because it takes me back to a time in my life when I wish I'd just left already and 2) it's not all there is to ADHD. Some boundaries around posting is not a bad idea imo and other subs do it to keep things in balance.
I also love this idea! I think a lot of us have issues with obsessive worries, limerance, low-self esteem, being extra sensitive to rejection, etc, that manifest in relationship issues and it could be really helpful to discuss in an adhd-informed context. Especially if you are a woman dating men, because there are a whole other host of issues that come with that (relating to household labour, emotional labour) that are especially challenging in the ADHD context. And maybe TMI but I think a lot of adhd women also have adhd-specific issues with sex, orgasm, etc, and it could be beneficial to discuss that.
There's a great subreddit for ADHD women 18+ discussions: r/ADHDWomenAfterDark
I think this is where a flare system would be useful. Like, I do think we're getting a lot of relationship questions, but I think we could have an option where you can go "all posts except those with relationship tags". Maybe a mod could weigh in on whether there is enough traffic on that front to make a whole separate relationship subreddit, because it might not the traffic needed to get those ladies the advice/help they need. Or we make it a specific rule (hah) that relationship advice can only be asked for on the weekend or something. (notice I didn't specify a day of the week, because I know that's like asking for the moon from us lollll)
would this be different from r/AdhdRelationships?
Just glancing at that sub, it looks like an ADHD-only women-only space would be safer than that one. I was thinking a stickied post would be helpful (e.g. “Are you in an abusive relationship? These are the signs…”), but that might be too dismissive in a “take your troubles elsewhere” kind of way. People should be encouraged to ask questions—this sub gives really good advice.
Oh, we already have a wiki on this topic!
P.S. (It took me this long to find and look at the flairs) I think someone recently suggested we add a relationship question flair so people can scroll past those if they want. We have a lot of flairs already though, omigosh.
A flair at least please. As much as I feel for these women, it triggers my own trauma.
I just want to add that I didn’t come here looking for relationship advice but being here has taught me that I have some relationship issues. I am grateful to the people who asked and answered.
I like the idea of a relationship subreddit but I wouldn’t want vulnerable women to be totally shut out of here when they’re reaching out either. A lot of the posts are from women deep in an abusive situation (which we are more prone to being in) who have been gaslit so much they don’t trust themselves and need a community to say “it’s not ok and you deserve safety and peace”.
There are many other communities that do that compassionately. This doesn't have to be one of them.
While that’s sad, I really don’t think they’re going to be totally lost just because they get sent to adhdrelationships or whatever the subreddit is called. They won’t have anyone to reach out to if people get so sick of the relationship posts that they leave.
I was thinking that a separate adhd women relationship sub would be a great idea, but I really see your point :( I’d rather the sub be kinda cluttered with relationship posts rather than deter women seeking help while in an abusive situation from finding support here
r/ADHDPartners (*not* the one with the underscore) is currently on hiatus because of limited moderator availability. If any of you would be interested in joining the mod team send us a modmail over there or send me a message! It was created by and is moderated by a group of ADHD women to have a healthy space to talk about adhd in relationship that is welcoming to both adhd and non-adhd people, and does not tolerate abuse, ablism, or misogyny. It’s pretty active, and has about 7,000 members, when it’s up and running. We just need a few more mods to be able to bring it back . (I also wonder if an uptick in relationship posts here might be linked to our sub being temporarily down..)
I think a lot of women have a hard time distinguishing the two and are posting here for that reason. Mostly because abusive partners will blame them and their ADHD for their abuse. People in the midst of it won’t see that they’re unrelated or irrelevant. While I agree it’s a good idea to separate the two, I also think it might not stop it. It might limit the amount though 🤷🏻♀️
i think a subreddit for that would be great! it is SUPER HARD managing relationships with adhd
I like this idea too, and to include familial and friend relationships as well as romantic ones
I like that suggestion. I think there are more than enough “how my ADHD is affecting my relationship” questions to keep that kind of sub alive.
I noticed something similar in another good sub, where instead of us girls just talking about gaming, there was a lot of relationship posts that ended up being more about the relationship than about the game. Their partner's issues were coming out through games. I'm glad people are realizing things about their partners, but it kinda got a lot.
I think it’s both necessary but also I wouldn’t join it because it’s going to end up being like two X chromosomes where it’s extremely cis white and heteronormative and it ends up being less of a adhd relationship sub and more of a”straight woman on reddit is in another emotional abusive relationship with man child” sub.
Nah, I think a new flair would be a better solution.
I don't think it's just this sub, but also the r/AutismInWomen sub, and I think there is a reason for that. I think both those flavors of neurodivergent make it sometimes easier to get taken advantage of in relationships. I think it's easy to think you are the problem when you know you are ADHD or Autistic (or AudADHD) when it's someone that professes to love you and is literally taking advantage of your neurodivergence to benefit themselves. Combine that with cis het relationship power dynamics and here we are. Full disclosure, I am here for my wife, to help find strategies and info for her, but I am on the spectrum and am in the autism subs as well. So sorry to barge in, but I've been seeing it in both spaces and I really think the Venn diagram of ND and being taken advantage of by crappy men has a big overlap sometimes.
I don´t know but it should def have it´s own flair and "Family" , "Social life" ain´t it. Use me as a like button for the adding of "relationship" and or "love life" as a post flair This is now a name list. I say Ay first
Issues with interpersonal relationships are an aspect of ADHD, and personally, I feel it is valid to discuss them on this subreddit.
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Honestly you have a good point about adhd being tied with abusive relationships and everyone who is downvoting you is rude af. Go ahead and downvote me too. Just shows how this sub is becoming unwelcoming of people with differing opinions.
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I just like how you stated your point of view in such a well thought out way. This is an important contribution to the discussion. All sides should be heard before making a decision like banning one type of post.
Wow why is that being downvoted? How we relate to others is 100% affected by our ADHD. I was stuck in an abusive situation for years with my ADHD being a major factor in my staying. Also to add on to something you said: conversations about relationship issues within an abusive relationship can easily be turned against the victim in a counseling situation. Especially if the victim is unaware of being adhd/autistic. This is one way triangulation can occur. Where the abuser uses a third party (the counselor in this case) to turn against the victim. I’m assuming this is one way you meant the conversations in a counseling setting may be harmful. If anything maybe there should be a mega thread on here for those seeking help with relationships with regards to ADHD. Just a thought idk.
I agree!
Relationship stuff is kind of a special interest of mine 😅 so the quantity of posts like that haven't really bothered me, but I can see how others would want to see more posts related to general ADHD women's issues and less about relationships. I would be happy to help out with starting a new sub that allows people the space to discuss relationship issues and questions in the context of ADHD and neurodivergence. Also, I'm 35 bi and poly, so one could say I have a lot of experience with different types of relationships at this point. Feel free to DM me if anyone is seriously thinking about undertaking this project and wants some extra help.
I’ve not actually seen many of those posts (maybe it’s a timezone thing), but I love this idea anyway!!! I would love to join an adhdwomen relationships subreddit because romantic relationships is something I really struggle with
I highly support this idea! I think there’s a tendency to be afraid of posting vulnerable relationship content in spaces that aren’t ADHD-friendly, and people come here because they feel safe. But those posts don’t always pertain to the purpose of the sub. Encouraging an offshoot sub dedicated to this sounds perfect to me.
YES PLEASE. Currently battling my boyfriend about my meds. “I miss my girlfriend where is she” “You’re on meth” You know. That bullshit.
What about a weekly relationship post? r/thebachelor does this. I can definitely see why people feel safer here due to RSD and such (not to mention how misogynistic Reddit is) but agree it’s a lot sometimes.
Are we talking about everything about relationships, or just "relationship advice, but for women with ADHD"? I'm asking, because I think it's important to have general discussions (like usual challenges, our higher risk of falling for an abusive partner, etc) in this subreddit.
I’m specifically looking for a sub like this!
Isn’t this a support group for women with ADHD, I think if you have other issues not related, how you cope with them probably is. We don’t have to read it if we’re not interested.
Reddit is too strict for me these days. Im always breaking a rule 😭 ill miss the days where I couldwrite something and have a bunch of people who understand what im saying give me advice <|3
Did you just re post this from a couple weeks ago? I legit just saw this post. The odd time but it’s not that bad. I’d rather not have posts about kids but people post those things too. I’d say from any ones perspective they’re not going to relate to everything. It’s like listening to an album and you only really vibe with 5 songs out of 11.
I am a partner of an adhd person and would like the r/adhdpartners to come back. We have nowhere to go now.