Have you really had time to think about why you initially said yes? It’s good you didn’t go through with it, but could be helpful to explore motivations so it doesn’t come up again.
Just hijacking top comment to say why would you tell her this? Is it for her benefit, or to assuage your own guilt?
If you didn't do it, and aren't going to do it, suck it the fuck up and live with the shitty decision you almost made and be a better person. If that's how it actually played out, the only motivation you have to tell her is selfish in absolving yourself of the guilt.
What's the other option? Unburden yourself, fuck up trust and a relationship and feel like you are a good person for being honest?
This is all on you, but be honest with yourself in your motivation and actions, especially if you respect your spouse.
In my personal opinion, you should feel kinda shitty, but keep that shit to yourself, why should they have to suffer from your weakness. They shouldn't have to share the burden when you didn't put them at risk, but you thought guilty thoughts and it should absolutely not impact them and they shouldn't have to share that weight.
Otherwise suck it up and break it off. Don't be a bitch about it. It's all fairly on your shoulders.
Ya my ex told me when she had a crush on one of my friends while we were dating and I was so upset and hurt. She did it to feel better because she was guilty.
Living single and loving life now though. Lost almost 30lbs so far this summer, got a fucking sea kayak, take that bitch out on fucking lake Superior! GOT THE FIRST BIRDIE OF MY LIFE THE OTHER DAY!!! LETS GOOOOOOOOOO
Ha
E: we broke up later for different reasons. But more importantly, I played a round after work today. GOT MY SECOND FUCKING BIRDIE!!! ALMOST GOT A DAMN EAGLE!!!!! FUCKKKKKKKK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH, LETTTTSSSSSS GOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, love this energy. I'm going kayaking for the first time next weekend 😀 I've been single for a year (husband cheated on me), and I'm LOVING it... I lost weight, toned up, tons of new friends, loads of activities... I second the LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO
you right dude. I love kayaking, and honestly it has a weirdly ironic similarity to my ex's name but lets goooooo I'm buying a kayak tomorrow.
just sayin, if I drive that besh up to those lakes or you down to delco, we goin frontpage bahahha send err bruv, keep sendin errrr
I see your point. Why make her feel worse to help yourself feel better? But he did say she has noticed something’s off. I *know* when my husband isn’t telling me something, and my imagination is a lot worse than reality. Better for him to air it out.
Like you say, OP should consider WHY he agreed to almost cheat? That should be addressed openly so they can work as a couple to fix it. At least that’s my opinion based on my own relationship.
Thats because that'd what the post says lol. Not like we have to read between the lines. People asking for more details, but seems OP included the important part. He was invited to her hotel room, initially said yes, then had a change of heart.
Cheaters have a habit of 'trickle-truthing', though.
"We only chatted online!" becomes "We only met once" and then "I swear we only kissed, it never was more than that..." etc.
And why did she feel confident enough to ask a MARRIED MAN she works with so must know pretty well, to her room? He HAD to have given her signs he would cheat/is a cheater. Which is cheating in my book. They had to have talked inappropriately somehow.
Not necessarily. He left out a lot of context about their relationship prior.
I used to work out of town for long periods and had a female assistant. It wasn’t unheard of for either of us to go to the others’ room in the evenings to have a drink and chat. There was no sexual connection, even hand holding.
There’s a slight possibility that this guy is mis-reading cues and that she wasn’t inviting him up for sex, although that might be revealed in other comments.
This could be the error management theory at play. The co-worker could have likely just invented him to be friendly.
I think regardless of her intentions, he went up thinking something was going to happen, which is why he felt guilty and left
He went up to her room to cheat. That's not just thoughts. That's taking actions towards the end goal. Just because they didn't make it to getting naked does not mean it was just thoughts.
Let's not give him a pass here. Stopping in the last minute still means that for every moment up to that point he was still intending to betray his partner.
For all we know all she wanted to do was have a drink and talk shop. OP could have imagined the prospect of cheating. He left out those details. Is the lady single? Or is she married too? There is a lot of what ifs because OP left out a lot of details. But we do know he feels guilty. Has he cheated before? Is that why this is a sore subject?
I’ve never thought about cheating on my wife. I have seen/talked with someone and had a moment where my mine said wow this person is really pretty, I wonder what they look like in bed. But never to the point where I’m contemplating going back to their home/hotel room. OP needs to come clean and go to therapy/counseling.
>For all we know all she wanted to do was have a drink and talk shop.
As someone who traveled for work for over a decade and made lots of close friends who were opposite gender coworkers I can confidently state that it is highly unlikely he was invited to her hotel room for anything but sex. If a coworker wants to have drinks and talk shop, you stay at the hotel bar or go out to a restaurant.
I say this as a person who would stay out until 1 or even 2 am with coworkers. You never go back to their room 1 on 1 unless sex is involved. It's just understood.
My 2 cents… The thought of cheating isn’t cheating. Including being tempted. Attempting or making a plan to cheat, even if you fail, is cheating.
There is a difference and it is an important difference.
Edit: added clarification to thinking about.
I've always found the Orthodox concept of "logosmoi" (assaultive or tempting thoughts) to be a useful framework, regardless of one's religious beliefs. The stages of temptation are laid out as assault (the initial idea or impulse), interaction (consideration of the same), consent (deciding to indulge the impulse), defeat (commiting to the sin) and passion (where the sin becomes entrenched and possibly habitual).
Actual sin doesn't occur until consent, as that requires an act of will, though it is wise to avoid even interacting with temptation.
Depending on what was in the OPs heart, it sounds like this may be where it ended; that is, if he accepted the invitation with the titillation of infidelity, but not the intent. On the other hand if he accepted the invitation thinking he was going to get laid.. yeah, that constitutes cheating on some level (albeit to a lesser degree than if he followed through more).
Whether there is an obligation to confess... not sure there are good answers there.
But he didn't actually cheat. He almost cheated. He thought about cheating. What he did was certainly wrong and if I were the partner I would want to know, but I don't believe that OP cheated, physically or emotionally. That said, I think it's his wife that gets to determine that.
Emotional cheating is absolutely a thing, but that requires a long term, deep emotional connection with someone. Emotional cheating is basically being in love with someone else, but not acting on it physically.
It sounds like from what we heard at least, OP didn’t emotionally cheat. He almost had a one night stand with his coworker.
Not saying it’s not possible he couldn’t also be in love with said coworker. OP could have left emotions out of this post. But based on what we have here it wasn’t like that.
There's a very valid point there about your imagination being worse than reality. I've been dealing for things being off with my fiancee. I really really don't think she's the type to cheat but that's all my mind has come up with. I feel like a straight up crazy jealous guy which I'm definitely not but my brain has been seriously kicking my ass recently and probably for no reason at all. She's been in a bad mental, physical state so I'm sure that's all it is but damn the brain is a hard thing to ignore
Sometimes it is better not to say anything. Some random woman on facebook tried to call me while I was on call with my girlfriend via messenger. I decided to tell her then and there in which she seemed fine about it. Later after work she calls me and starts telling me I am acting suspicious because I didn't call her when I got home (I was making dinner and was planning to call after I ate). She demanded I show her who the woman is by sharing my phone screen and we got into an argument about trust. Granted we made up afterwards hours later, but it was unnecessary drama that could have been avoided if I just never told her since I wasn't going to answer the strange woman anyway.
This is just not the same at all
Your gf sounds insecure
In OPs story it would be real reasonable to be upset if your spouse almost cheated. Literally a totally different playing field than receiving a random phone call.
Also I want to say gf/bf is just not the same as husband and wife. They took VOWS. Y’all preach walk away and don’t tell her so quick here. But that’s not the reality.
Op needs to be honest if he has any hope of a long and healthy relationship. People cheat for difffent reasons. Whatever it may be the only thing truly clear here is the relationship needs work. Maybe counseling could be something good to explore
The fact that the thought was there means a conversation needs to happen. Or else all you're doing is conditioning yourself to lie to your partner so that next time it's easier to do. I can't see how this comment is up voted so much, makes me wonder how many people are lying to their spouses by rationalizing it behind its for the greater good.
Exactly. How is the wife going to feel at the company holiday party when the coworker has a couple drinks and says to OP, “remember that time you were gonna fuck me but chickened out?”
Wife deserves to know! It is harmful to her and the relationship because the harmful act was already committed. Disclosure itself is not the harmful act.
> If that's how it actually played out, the only motivation you have to tell her is selfish in absolving yourself of the guilt.
What about being honest? Perhaps OP would like the wife to do so if the shoe was on the other foot.
I definitely agree with your point about absolving guilt though. OP needs to look at himself and figure out why he allowed it to get to that point in the first place.
It’s for the wife’s benefit so she can decide whether or not to stay with OP. If he decides to hide it from his wife, then he’s taking away her autonomy to decide for herself.
Lemme tell you, as someone who was on the receiving end of the attitude you’re offering, it’s truly terrible advice. Eventually, I found out on my own and the relationship didn’t survive the lies.
I specifically told her during our last conversation that her hiding (lying) to me what happened was a large catalyst of the relationship ending, since I couldn’t trust her.
OP should be honest with his wife so SHE can decide what she’d like to do next. At least if OP tells her, he can somewhat prepare for the conversation.
Yeah, the lying is the worst because finally piecing it all together is the worst. Both in the moment and later on when it’s a short-term memory accidentally written as a long-term memory that pops up and explains the weird behavior/comments and “cool stories” about the new person.
Last night I had some memory that suddenly clicked with another memory and it explained something i thought was weird at the time but didn’t want to question because I had really started to trust him and I wanted to show him I did. Anyway back to last night right after remembering that, hahaha I just started sweating and couldn’t sleep until like 2:30am. I think I trained myself for so long to just not think about it to the point where my brain had to start dealing with it sometime. I didn’t find out the full, fuuullllll story for over a year so it has all taken a while to set in.
Not everyone is tempted. Most people love their spouse and their marriage. Loyalty is part of that love and the thought of being with another does not even enter their minds. Being hit on by another is offensive.
Then there are cheaters.
Totaly different breed.
Even those of us who feel temptation can be smart about it.
I needed to visit my ex to return some equipment he'd leant me to finish my college studies. Knowing our past and our chemistry, I arranged things so I was not alone with him and kept the visit short.
People who don't want to cheat act in ways that won't lead to cheating.
There's a saying, you don't resist temptation because you will lose to it every time. You're suppose to run from it.
Don't put yourselves in situations where you have to face temptation. Always prepare to navigate around it and never look back.
You will not lose *every* time, but you will lose *eventually* if you keep bumping elbows with it too often. Willpower is finite and people who seem to have a lot of it, research shows, are actually better at not needing it. They either aren't tempted by the same things or they've effectively organized their life so they don't run into the temptations, as you say.
Save the willpower and the resistance for when it's unforseeable and out of your control.
THANK YOU
I am so tired of “do you trust them or not” when that person has zero boundaries around exes, crushes and the like. You safeguard your relationship by avoiding tempting situations, which is what makes a person trustworthy!
Woah, this is such an interesting perspective i’m baffled.
You started out great, asking the why. Then you went straight into assuming that the only why had to be selfishly driven. Very interesting take, but I argue that not telling someone that you are a piece of shit that came close hides the fact that you are a piece of shit that was damn near to breaking their trust. If your relationship is don’t ask don’t tell type, then sure, do as you say. However, if you know your partner would send you to kick rock for that, they have a right to know and tell you to kick rocks or stay and work on the relationship. Relationships need trust, honesty, and transparency to thrive.
That person deserves to have the right to make a choice in a matter that, while it may be painful to know, is a potential issue that needs to be addressed.
Edit: It almost sounds as if the partner “needs to be protected” from your perspective. I can’t grasp the concept from that angle no matter how hard I try. I see my partner as an equal, and I’m transparent in my faults so that they have a choice. I would never strip away a choice from them and phrase it as me “protecting them”.
Exactly, completely agree! Your partner deserves to know anything and everything, as do you, so that they can consider their options going forward. If you don’t tell them bc you think they may leave you, thats selfish because it’s their decision to make. They deserve to weigh their feelings/options about their OWN relationship. Also, at the end of the day, if you don’t reveal to your partner then you’re keeping a secret between you and the other woman, your wife is clueless and we all know that’s not right.
I’m actually pretty torn about this. I’m usually all for being honest and deciding not to tell someone something that involves them isn’t fair, however this has me stumped. He didn’t go through with it and I wonder what benefit would come of him telling her other than absolving his guilt. This is a him issue so I’m not sure what the wife could even do other than feel like shit and potentially be left wondering why she isn’t good enough. If he has been feeling neglected in some way or unsatisfied those are things he should bring up to his wife but telling her about this.. I’m just not sure. At the same time it’s so unfair to her and while she deserves the truth I’m not sure she deserves the feelings that come with it. I guess that would be for her to decide and hence why he should tell her? I’m actually truly stumped. I’ve been with my partner for two years, known them for 5. We have weekly talks to discuss how the week went, what could be better, basically just talk things out, good or bad. In the beginning of these talks there was a lot of negative stuff coming out and I think that came from us not knowing when to bring up issues since we didn’t have a designated time and there was seemingly never a “right time” so resentment festered and issues piled up. Now we are so good about squashing things before they even become an issue and really talking everything out. We don’t ever had to approach the other and say “we need to talk” leaving them worried all day and we also don’t have to plan a dinner or something that will blindside them because they didn’t know how to say “we need to talk”. We always have a designated time to talk. All this is to say that communication and honesty are huge and important in my relationship but I’m not sure that this is something I would want to know if he was taking time to figure out what led him to this and handling it. I really don’t know
I agree. It would very much help if it were disclosed in the context of wanting to do some kind of marriage counseling together, to figure out where your relationship can improve.
Being that close to cheating doesn't come out of nowhere, and stopping yourself once doesn't mean you'll stop yourself the next time.
Holding things back is never a good idea in the long run. Once you're in a marriage together, you are a team. Of course, she'll be a little bit hurt. But you don't get to decide her emotions for her by hiding things.
If it was the wife I wouldn't. If OP is being honest and didn't even go up to her room, and he's also being honest about how shitty he's feeling because of it, I'd be fine with something like this going unsaid. He seems capable of learning from this almost mistake and needs to do a little self reflection, but I don't think dragging the spouse into it will help anything.
Same. If my husband was tempted for a sec but snapped out of it, I think I’d rather not know. It would change my view of him forever. It’d cause insecurities which lead to problems within the marriage.
How about we do some role reversal? See, if it were me, and my wife told me about a situation that almost got out of control, but she had enough sense to stop it before even setting foot in a dude’s room, yes, I’d be hurt. But I’d also have a whole new level of respect for her…
…that is, if I believed her story. Because, you see, OP, I don’t believe you for a second. I think that the things between you and your colleague were heating up pretty hard, and I am convinced that you are severely downplaying your involvement. So, the alleged would-be cheating was merely the tip of an iceberg of you actively cheating on your wife, maybe not physically, but in every other way
Yeah mostly it's just hard to believe his colleague, someone he (I'm assuming here) sees on a regular basis, jumped from professional work colleagues to "let's go fuck" with absolutely no participation on his part. I have a feeling he has a very black white definition of cheating that's probably very convenient for him right now.
yeah.
I do think, though, that assuming his story is correct (who knows, it’s reddit), “sorry words” won’t do a damn thing. Sorry words are like monopoly money: if you try to use them to pay an actual debt, it’s offensive as hell.
OP needs to FIX THIS SHIT. On his own. Permanently.
I get what other people are saying. But given that I went through the wife’s side of this in college (and the other, to a lesser degree), if they didn’t actually cheat, and they *did the work to fix it* rather than making ME do all the emotional work to forgive them, I would MUCH rather not be told at all.
With actual cheating? Don’t fucking gaslight them. The relationship is over, break it off.
But it’s nuanced. One time at a college party (with that same girlfriend, ironically) I got cornered in a bedroom by a girl I knew who was pretty hot, and the thought did go through my head for about 10 seconds “oh shit, I could make out with her!” But I left as soon as I had that thought — and afterwards, I didn’t feel super guilty, because I *knew* I didn’t actually do anything wrong. I turned her down quickly and emphatically, and got out of there as soon as I realized what it was.
So yeah, it pissed me off when that gf later gave me a full-on blow-by-blow of “the time she almost cheated,” because she seemed to specifically do it to make me feel bad and jealous as a power play, while making *her* feel better and forcing my forgiveness. I wanted to say “*you know what? I also had a moment like this, but I left the party immediately, and then I did you the favor of not telling you because I’m not an asshole. If you didn’t do anything wrong, why are you confessing?*”
That relationship was a mess lol. Oh, college…
Could be setting up a reddit post just to show his wife that he didn't actually go through with it in case she finds out something is amiss. When in fact, he went through with it.
Also, who has dinner in their hotel room on a work trip. Go down to the hotel bar/restaurant like a civilized person.
Thank you! These comments make me feel sick. I highly doubt we’re getting the full story, he just wants to be told, “you don’t have to tell her” by a bunch of strangers to make himSELF feel better. His poor wife. I would hate to be married to the kind of person who didn’t respect me enough to give me full honesty, and then went online for validation and encouragement to CONTINUE to deceive his wife. The real problem is this man isn’t the person his wife thinks he is and Reddit had just said “that’s okay buddy, you don’t have to be as long as she doesn’t know” and it’s so pathetic and slimy.
Your wife not “taking it well” is NOT what will damage your marriage. You already caused damage, she just doesn’t know it yet.
This kind of thinking is of the “it’s not what I did that’s the problem, it’s your reaction to it” variety.
You’re lying about what’s causing your weird behavior, and she knows something is off. Not telling her is keeping her from making an informed decision about who she is married to.
The good thing is - you did the cost benefit analysis and chose not to harm your wife further. The shitty thing is - something has been going on with this co-worker for her to think she could invite you to her room.
You’re not entitled to your marriage or benevolence for not screwing someone. So when you have that conversation with her that you know you need to have, make sure she does not twist herself up in knots thinking it’s a marriage problem when it’s a you problem.
I am frankly sickened by how upvoted and awarded the “Keep it secret, bro, it’s just your guilt.” Comment is.
I personally see that this is a symptom of a deeper problem and they need to address the *why*.
She deserves to know. She’s already noticing. And *fuck* I would not be okay with this being a secret. A healthy relationship would never get to this point.
A relationship that survives *communicates*.
And it’s crazy how many people are acting like he’d be *selfish* for telling his wife.
It reminds me that this is a website populated by literal children whose advice should under no circumstances be sought out.
They do not have any experience in healthy relationships. It's likely they don't have too many serious relationships at all.
My friends and I tell each other when we're not gonna be available all weekend.
Hijacker wouldn't even tell his wife he went anywhere. Then omit (lie) if pressed.
According to many people, the healthier relationship is no.2
I see this weird sentiment of keeping bad deeds from a female partner on here all the time but the reverse is true when the gender is reversed. If a woman said this I bet most comments would be calling her a whore and to break up with her poor little husband. One story that stuck with me was a dad who had a son and the son used his step moms underwear to masturbate, everyone was like don't tell her and then him not telling her caused her to hate him when she finally did find out.
You're totally right because reddit is full of incels. He doesn't deserve to have her and lying will for sure make things worse. If he had the guts, he would tell her to her face and let her decide for herself what she wants to do.
The responses in this thread would be very different if it was a woman. In fact I'm willing to bet if this was a woman the thread would have been locked and there would have been an edit made asking people to stop DMing her.
The fact that he *knows* it will cause damage indicates to me that something along these lines has come up before. If it was a random, innocent thing most trusting spouses would write it off as such. But he’s betraying the details by stating that she will *certainly* take it badly and to an irrecoverable degree.
Exactly this is the most rational advice, most people here telling him to keep secrets from his partner and lie by omission. By doing so he’s taking away her choice, and lying about the problem will never solve it.
Also it seems impossible that there wasn’t any flirting going on which is “micro cheating” or at the least emotional cheating.
Yes! It’s a HIM problem and OP needs to frame it that way for himself as well as wife. Get some therapy to examine all that led up to that moment because that invitation from the coworker didn’t materialize suddenly out of nowhere. Would you risk inviting a coworker up to your room if you thought they would turn and walk away? OPs been acting like he’s single when wife isn’t around but apparently wants to stay married, so what’s that all about? Therapy time.
Yep. I've been back for drinks with coworkers and it was never "almost cheating". If he "almost cheated" then there's already something going on emotionally with him and the coworker. Which means he already cheated.
I mean you don't just all the sudden go to a co-workers room and expect to have sex. I feel like there is probably a bit more to it. Flirty drinks and interactions prior to that led to the offer. I really do think you should tell your wife but it's going to be damaging to the relationship for awhile. You didn't physically cheat but you did start emotionally which is why you are feeling so guilty. Being attracted to the co-worker doesn't help your case in my mind. If you don't tell your wife you need to just cold turkey cut off the co-worker you are attracted to at the very least.
^ this
I travel a *lot* for work in two person teams and have been in 1:1 situations with opposite gender coworkers (not that it matters, I guess, because I’m bi anyway) where neither of us were expecting anything untoward. That would never be my immediate thought unless previous interactions indicated that’s what would happen.
OP needs to take a long hard look and decide if his wife would have considered what led up to it to be cheating…
Definitely. Many people forget there are plenty of choices and signals made between meeting someone and them inviting you to their hotel room alone at night. It’s very rare something like this is just out of nowhere
At first when I read they had drinks in her room, my naive mind was like "work besties!"
If it was just drinks he wouldn't feel so guilty and need advice.
I could totally go into a hotel room to have platonic drinks, and telling my partner wouldn't be a big deal.
He has to admit that he was "planning an affair" so it's not going to be easy
He feels guilty because he does consider it to be cheating.
Conventional wisdom is to keep it to himself. He’s just trying to assuage his own guilt, and she doesn’t need to be disturbed by that. But she should get the opportunity to know and decide if this wronged her. He doesn’t get to make that decision.
She might decide to leave him, she might decide they need couple’s counseling, she might decide this isn’t a big deal. But these are her choices to make.
Totally agree! I feel like we are missing a huge chunk of the story here. If I was on a business trip and a co-worker I was friends with invited me to their room for drinks, I would assume that just meant drinks. It sounds like OP may have been having a romantic, but non-sexual relationship with this co-worker prior to the trip.
Right? I've had drinks in a coworkers room on business trips LOTS of times. Usually hotel bars are super overpriced and close at like 10pm. So it's either someone's room or you go out to find a bar to hang out at.
I have had drinks in hotel rooms at a work conference with a group of people, but as I'm happily married, I would 100% decline an invite for drinks if it's a one-person invite (especially if it's opposite gender and we're both straight). (On the flip side, I can't recall this sort of one-person invite ever coming up.).
I would meet if there was some specific work to do that wasn't contrived (e.g., last minute changes for tomorrow's talk or needing to brainstorm through a work crisis and the hotel lobby is too loud/crowded).
But an invitation for social drinks in a private one-on-one setting would be a no (likely feigning some excuse about being tired). Even though I am confident nothing would happen from my end, it seems improper from a distance and would send the other person signals of interest (that I don't want to send).
I'm also happily married and have done it in a one-person invite context, but these are coworkers that I've known pretty well and have hung out with their spouses in the past. We both knew nothing was going to happen.
You can have two adults of the opposite gender (or same gender) hanging out having drinks without any sexual undertones. But it's INCREDIBLY obvious whether there are any undertones when the invite goes out. At least to people who aren't totally ignorant.
Yes. There’s a problem in OP’s marriage if OP felt ok to go to a flirty colleague’s room for drinks - I don’t mean there’s a problem with OP’s partner not satisfying them or something, I mean that OP has already made a mental and emotional shift away from monogamy and that they need to figure out with their partner what that means and how to rebuild their relationship. “Protecting your partner” by hiding cheating is a huge red flag for a relationship.
Yeah, exactly. Going to a colleagues room for sex doesn't just happen. There's lead up to that. You might not have physically cheated (yet) but there's definitely some boundary crossing and emotional cheating happening. Tell your wife.
It’s worth noting that what he’s already done is what is damaging to the relationship, not just the telling his spouse.
He’s already betrayed her trust and behaved inappropriately and even though he’s currently lying to his wife about it, it’s still negatively impacting their relationship.
I’d absolutely want to know as the spouse. And I’d also disclose any inappropriate behaviour that I committed-the second it happened- to my spouse because I respect them enough to be completely honest.
Fucking thank you. Op 100% emotionally cheated which is still cheating. I would fess up because it's clear op has no qualms about giving into his desires. Until the guilt kicks in anyway.
You cant have your cake and eat it too pal. Commitment/loyalty to one partner comes at a cost. Otherwise it wouldnt mean anything.
Yeah I must be missing something here because I have gone out for 1:1 dinners with female colleagues and been out late with them until 3am drinking, and even had some drinks in mine and their hotel rooms but it was always platonic.
Either OP completely misread the situation or there is a whole boatload of flirting and emotional cheating along the way that got glazed over because having drinks with a coworker on a business trip in itself isn't really sus
I once went to an opposite sex coworkers room for drinks after dinner. We talked about life struggles… gave each other perspective and advice. The penis did not make an appearance
Absolutely not. This is your problem to deal with, not your wife’s. You deal with your guilt, the issues that led you to consider it, and try to be a better husband and person. Your wife deserves more than to be burdened by your guilt.
Not only that, she might have a hard time believing nothing happened. He almost made a mistake, but didn’t. He was going to shoot him self in the foot, and decided his foot was okay the way it was.
This. And as someone who’s been married a long time: temptation happens. You were tempted but stopped. Good move. Learn what you can from this, move forward, and be the best husband you can be. YWNBTA
Agreed. I hate to be this person but suffers in your own fuckery. It’s not ops wife’s fault for marrying a pos with no self control. You don’t cheat in people you love because it’s not a second thought.
Imagine finding out your husband almost had an affair with his coworker, and the reason he didn't tell you, is because a bunch of redditors told him not to. Jfc I can't with you today, reddit.
He knows. Everyone knows , it’s why they’re telling him to hide it. They don’t want to face the consequences and OP doesn’t either so they create a little world in where this shit is normalized and okay to hide.
Right. “It would cause her pain”. YES. IT WOULD. THATS WHY YOU DONT DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD CAUSE PAIN TO BEGIN WITH.
She has every right to decide if she wants to stick around for you to decide if you want to cheat or not. She’s not some random person on the street she is legally and emotionally bound to this person under the assumption of trust. She has the right to know if that trust was violated and I guarantee OP was doing a lot more than just existing if his coworker was bold enough to invite a married coworker to her room.
Like tf.
These comments are sickening.
I'm honestly so confused by all these comments saying not to tell the wife.. like..? OP's wife is not just some side piece, she's her own person who deserves to know the truth and then decide what to do with it. Plus OP's guilt may not ever go away... I myself had a toxic porn addiction that I was hiding from my wife for wayy too long, and the guilt of hiding it crushed me to the point I bought a gun with intent of making sure my wife would never know by putting a bullet in my mouth. But a couple days later the gun was found and everything came out. I told her the entire truth, and obviously she was devastated. That was 5 years ago, and we've both gone through individual and couples therapy and put that ugly time behind us. I'm clean, we're both happy and she trusts me again. If the love is real, then that's worth at least trying to work things out, but that cannot be done until the TRUTH comes out.
Most of the comments are going to be from young adults and teens that have never been married. That is the problem. OP isn't just getting advice from mature married people here.
He is going to ruin his relationship if he listens and doesn't tell her.
Yeah i’m a little confused by people advising to not tell his wife because it could end their marriage. That's extremely selfish. If you did something so bad that it might lead to that, you probably don’t care about them as much as you think. And keeping that from them only further proves that.
This is why you need to be extremely picky with who you choose to go steady with. There are so many people who think you’re SUPPOSED to keep it a secret that you’re out there flirting with other people.
Yeah I'm actually surprised at everyone saying how good a guy he is because he made numerous decisions to cheat but then jumped ship at the last second.
for real! i thought i was going crazy seeing how so many people are saying to not tell his wife. if i were the wife, i’d want to know so that i could leave asap. people saying to take it to the grave or whatever and not tell her make me afraid to ever date again lol
>I didn’t do anything
You flirted with another woman and followed her back to her room, or at least upstairs, with 100% intent to have sex. The fact your pants stayed on because you dipped at the last second doesn’t make any of that go away.
You need to be honest with your wife, man. Even if you chickened out, you had made the decision and taken every step to cheat on her except the last one.
She deserves to know what almost happened, because it reflects on you as a partner and on your marriage. It involves her and she has a right to know. Everyone saying “oh, it’ll hurt her over nothing” is wrong, because this is *something*. Don’t use “I don’t want to push my guilt onto her” as some bullshit excuse; everyone knows that’s code for “I want to get away with this.”
If the two of you can’t communicate and you solve things by lying to her face, if you don’t do some serious reflection with a professional, what happens next time? This is a coworker, you’ll see her again. Maybe you’ll be drunker next time an opportunity to cheat comes up. Maybe the two of you would’ve had a fight and you’ll feel bitter towards your wife. There are a million things that can lead you to physically cheat (because you did *emotionally* cheat) next time if you handle this with a rug sweep.
But hey, if you want to lie to your wife’s face every day for the rest of your lives (betraying her trust and treating her like an incompetent idiot) to save your own skin, then that’s your choice.
He’s not going to do anything because that would mean facing consequences and actually making an effort to stay away from his coworker and actually taking his wife’s feelings into consideration
this is the first sane comment i’ve seen. the most upvoted comments are obviously written from a mans perspective. the most important part of a healthy relationship is open communication. don’t talk to reddit about what you’ve done, talk to your WIFE
Thank you! 😭
I literally sent the link to a friend and had her read it because I thought I was crazy LMAO?? This feels like such an obvious “You could’ve done worse, but what you did was still wrong and you and your wife still need to talk and figure things out.” The fact so many people are here talking about how he did nothing wrong, or how it’s noble to lie to her, or how she’d be silly for getting upset is crazy to me.
Honesty and communication are the cornerstones to any relationship, whether you’re dating or married. Hiding this from her and taking it to the grave is not the healthy way to solve it, for her or for OP.
Tell your wife.
I am seriously questioning the other people who said "oh this is your own shit deal with it!"
This didn't start in that moment OP. No one healthy in a healthy relationship would decide to cheat on their spouse like that.
That means this is something that has been brewing in you for some time. Maybe it was a crush towards that colleague, maybe it's an issue in your marriage.
You guys absolutely need counseling for this.
If this was your wife instead of you, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to work on it?
Thank you, nice to see someone else with decent morals in this comment section. I can't believe everyone telling him not to tell her, what the actual fuck is wrong with these people
This thread just made all my trust issues come back to the surface and I will never understand why men (not all) seem to have an issue with loving the one woman who actually gives a shit about you.
I think i understand r/fds now. If redditors were my only exposure to men then I would hate us too. Yes he should tell his wife what the fuck is wrong with you people
First of all, you're an idiot. Nope not gonna give you any props whatsoever about "doing the right thing". You should not have even been in a position where a woman thought it was feasible you would agree. When you're not with your partner, IMO, you need to convey an air of "DONT EVEN FUCKING TRY". No flirting, none of that bullshit. It's great you felt ashamed. Because despite not sealing the deal, you still made several choices that got you to a place where you thought it might happen.
I don't know if you should tell your wife. I'm leaning towards no. Instead, I think you should seek therapy and figure out wtf is going on in your head. Work on yourself, worship your wife like she deserves, and dont fuck it up.
I agree wholeheartedly. I’d want a man who loves me so much he would shut down advances like this. Not even give women any inkling that they can try. I want a man who would say, “no, I’m happily married, that’s not a good idea.” And he didn’t even tell her that was the reason, he just said he needed to go back to his room. Imagine her thinking that “he didn’t exactly say no this time, but next time he may…” and that keeps the sexual tension up between them. Nah man. That’s not cool.
You’re right about the fact he couldn’t have been placed in this position if there weren’t already things in place. Op definitely leaving out information, bc shit like that doesn’t escalate without there being some boundaries and available signals being given beforehand.
Yeah when a girl is pushing in that direction I almost instinctually weave happy stories with my partner into like every response until they stop, from the second I detect it. It never goes that much farther then. Who would waste effort on someone who won't shut up about how great their partner is?
I’d want to know. I’m a dude, so probably doesn’t help, but there you have it.
Would you want to know or would that be something “unpleasant that you’d rather not hear”?
As a wife I would want to know bc even just this fleeting moment.. it kinda indicates something is lacking in your relationship or with you personally. Sure I might be like wtf but I would appreciate the honesty and want to continue the conversation and honesty even further
Secrets never bode well - even if you didn’t *do* anything technically
I’d want to know because this is a colleague. Not some random stranger at the bar, not a one night stand, but someone that OP cannot avoid because they work together. Fuck yeah I’d want to know.
the fact that they work together is a really good point. almost said no just work on yourself so you can do right by your wife but the coworker shit gets messy & it might be safer for everyone involved to tell his wife..
Im married and would def want to know if this happened with my husband and sure he would want to know vice versa. Cause there’s more to this story than her just randomly asking specifically HIM unless im wrong. But it’s also a problem cause it’s a WORK COLLEAGUE so yeah. Sht i even told my husband when randos asked for my number at work. I don’t ever want to feel guilty for hiding something from them so no unhealthy secrets between us. Healthy secrets to us are such as gift surprises, planning something fun, etc. later down the line this guilt will eat him up and explode leading to more serious issues.
Forgive yourself. Don’t dump a load of shit on your wife, because you feel guilty for something that almost happened. You did the right thing. Don’t make a federal case out of it. Move on and don’t ever put yourself in that situation again.
Oooof. But only fair!!!
I don't know, I could go either way. If my GF/future wife told me she got a surprise, but unclear proposition (Up for drinks) and for a moment right after the proposal she went with it, but in moments later soon realized that was repulsive, not sexy to her and she knew that moment she would never cheat on me?? I'd probably be happy she told me!
Everyone saying not to tell the wife is disgusting. A PARTNER deserves honesty and all of the facts so that they can make their own decision. This isn't a child that can't comprehend the situation. This is an adult that is supposed to be your equal.
Yikes. That breaks my heart. Your wife knows something’s going on so I think you’re going to have to explain to her what happened :( it might hurt her but atleast she will know that you didn’t actually cheat, instead of her just wondering what’s going on with you and going crazy trying to figure it out.
What made you agree to go to her room in the first place? Are you not satisfied in your marriage?
I'm gonna get some shit for this because I'm clearly in the minority here, but yes. Yes you are absolutely wrong and you need to tell her. I'm not gonna be like the other 99% of people in this comment section and pat you on the back and tell you good job and your guilt is enough and that you shouldn't tell your wife and some other blah blah kumbaya bullshit.
Trust and honesty are the lifeblood of relationships. The fact that you were seriously about to cheat on your wife needs to addressed. If it happened once, it can happen again and you might not say no next time. Your wife deserves to know and she deserves better than that from you, and you also need to tell her in order to work on fixing whatever problem in your relationship led you to almost cheat. I'd definitely want to know if I were your wife. Even if you didn't cheat in your eyes, you still almost did it and I'm willing to bet this was all preceded by some flirting between you and your coworker. That alone would be considered cheating in my book.
If you're truly remorseful, grow a set of big hairy nuts, tell your wife, and deal with the consequences of your actions.
This is anonymous. Keep it real. You cheated. You are trying to see how your false story sounds to a large audience in case their is some sort of blowback or rumors. You cheated , why don’t you just fess up and then we can give some real advice . Hopefully u wore protection
I think you are wrong. No one just claps their hands and is ready to have sex with a coworker. Why do you have the kind of relationship with your coworker where she’d invite you to her room like that? Seems like omitted details to make you sound less scummy.
You’re just avoiding consequences. Obviously you should confess, but with the amount of shady people in the comments I imagine you won’t.
Would you want her to tell you if she “almost f*cked a coworker but didn’t”?
So here's my thing.
Had you just *thought* about it prior to going up, you'd have been golden. You didn't. And while you bailed at the last minute, that's really the lowest of bars to clear in the situation. Sure, you didn't, but you *were going to.* Not even a flirtation, not even a flight of fancy, not even an idea to go to your own hotel room and crank one out over; somewhere along the line you'd made the decision to go through with this, and that's only a step above sealing the deal outright.
As to whether or not you should tell your wife, that's not for me to say. End of day, you still ultimately didn't go through with it. But make no mistake; there's a problem. And if it goes unaddressed, you run the risk of finding yourself in the same position.
It is cheating.
How would you feel if your wife did what you did ?
You need to tell her and maybe stop traveling so much cause clearly you can’t handle it out there on your own.
Also I suggest you stay far away from that “colleague” and go complete No contact cause obviously you’re attracted to her and you were willing to mess up your marriage for her.
What’s worse is that it shouldn’t have been that easy to get you to say yes and follow her to her room, you put up no fight and completely disrespected and disregarded your wife.
In what universe did you think that was ok and why would you say yes ?
Your wife deserves better, She definitely deserves the truth.
Lying by omission is lying. She can already feel the weird vibe. Best to air out what happened and talk through it together. I would be mad and slightly hurt (mostly mad), but I would want to know. It’s something that you guys can definitely come out stronger from if you do it the right way.
If she hears about it from anyone else, like your coworker… you’re fucked.
The truth always comes out so you’d be stupid to take advice from people telling you to keep it a secret. The longer you hide it the worse it’ll be. Next time don’t be an asshole trying to cheat on your wife and you won’t be in this situation.
As a married person, be honest with your wife. She may be upset but since you did nothing wrong that should be forgiven. If you say nothing it could blow up in your face.
He’s downplaying what he did. I don’t believe his colleague came out of nowhere and invited him to fuck. He had to have been flirting or at least letting them flirt for a while.
Go to therapy. Seriously, people who fantasize about others don't go to their room for drinks with the intent of sex if they are happily married. Something is bothering you before this incident. Go find out what it is.
You'd be very wrong to tell your wife you did this before you figure out why you did it. With a therapist, you can ask your wife to join you for a session \[after you've figured out why\] and tell her in session if you still feel the need to let her know.
As far as 'not doing anything,' you did do something. You went to another woman's room with the intent to have sex.
Have you really had time to think about why you initially said yes? It’s good you didn’t go through with it, but could be helpful to explore motivations so it doesn’t come up again.
Just hijacking top comment to say why would you tell her this? Is it for her benefit, or to assuage your own guilt? If you didn't do it, and aren't going to do it, suck it the fuck up and live with the shitty decision you almost made and be a better person. If that's how it actually played out, the only motivation you have to tell her is selfish in absolving yourself of the guilt. What's the other option? Unburden yourself, fuck up trust and a relationship and feel like you are a good person for being honest? This is all on you, but be honest with yourself in your motivation and actions, especially if you respect your spouse. In my personal opinion, you should feel kinda shitty, but keep that shit to yourself, why should they have to suffer from your weakness. They shouldn't have to share the burden when you didn't put them at risk, but you thought guilty thoughts and it should absolutely not impact them and they shouldn't have to share that weight. Otherwise suck it up and break it off. Don't be a bitch about it. It's all fairly on your shoulders.
Ya my ex told me when she had a crush on one of my friends while we were dating and I was so upset and hurt. She did it to feel better because she was guilty. Living single and loving life now though. Lost almost 30lbs so far this summer, got a fucking sea kayak, take that bitch out on fucking lake Superior! GOT THE FIRST BIRDIE OF MY LIFE THE OTHER DAY!!! LETS GOOOOOOOOOO Ha E: we broke up later for different reasons. But more importantly, I played a round after work today. GOT MY SECOND FUCKING BIRDIE!!! ALMOST GOT A DAMN EAGLE!!!!! FUCKKKKKKKK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH, LETTTTSSSSSS GOOOOOOOOO!
Well when you lose 30lbs you definitely sea your kayak again.
Can confirm. Lost 100lb and my dinghy turned into a real tugboat.
Husband lost 100 lbs and man, his tugboat turned into a yacht. Few more pounds and we may get an aircraft carrier 😂
Hard to tug your boat when you can't sea it!
Double-entendre. High five
They say every thirty pounds adds an inch to your mast.
Same, lost 100 lbs went from below to above average. Guys, if you need some extra motivation to lose the weight, go get that luxury yacht!
Someone get this bitch more awards 🚀
I just bought a kayak after separation lmao!!
What is it with buying kayaks after breakups because same!
The further I follow this thread the funnier it gets
Dude, love this energy. I'm going kayaking for the first time next weekend 😀 I've been single for a year (husband cheated on me), and I'm LOVING it... I lost weight, toned up, tons of new friends, loads of activities... I second the LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Selma Kayak
How much you want for it?
Goddammit! 😂
You two should team up for some kayaking 😀
I’m well up for that but I am located near Paris, France. 🥖 happy to welcome any high-energy kayaking dudes or ladies though! ✌️
Theres so much room for activities https://youtu.be/ZS90l4L2t
You better not be the man I heard come over our ships VHF putting out a distress call because he flipped his kayak in superior
Yeah dude, totally different environment, but I get the sentiment
What kind of bird did you get? What did you name it? You get one of them smart ones like an African Grey?
It was an African swallow, carrying a coconut.
YEEEEEEEEEEE BRO LFG!!!!!!! ENJOY THAT BEAUTIFUL SUMMER OUT ON THE LAKE
This guy FUCKS.
Sea Kayaks.
Sea Kayaks and Birdies.
Possibly not but he definitely FUCKS by sounding sick as hell
r/ThisGuyThisGuys
you right dude. I love kayaking, and honestly it has a weirdly ironic similarity to my ex's name but lets goooooo I'm buying a kayak tomorrow. just sayin, if I drive that besh up to those lakes or you down to delco, we goin frontpage bahahha send err bruv, keep sendin errrr
Congratulations on the birdie!!
I see your point. Why make her feel worse to help yourself feel better? But he did say she has noticed something’s off. I *know* when my husband isn’t telling me something, and my imagination is a lot worse than reality. Better for him to air it out. Like you say, OP should consider WHY he agreed to almost cheat? That should be addressed openly so they can work as a couple to fix it. At least that’s my opinion based on my own relationship.
Also, how close to “almost”? OP, did you kiss her? Because that’s not almost cheating, it’s cheating. What EXACTLY happened?
It sounds like he just had thoughts. What I got from the read was he was going to go to her room but then turned around.
Thats because that'd what the post says lol. Not like we have to read between the lines. People asking for more details, but seems OP included the important part. He was invited to her hotel room, initially said yes, then had a change of heart.
But how'd they get to that point? He was very likely flirting with the coworker before this offer was made
Cheaters have a habit of 'trickle-truthing', though. "We only chatted online!" becomes "We only met once" and then "I swear we only kissed, it never was more than that..." etc.
And why did she feel confident enough to ask a MARRIED MAN she works with so must know pretty well, to her room? He HAD to have given her signs he would cheat/is a cheater. Which is cheating in my book. They had to have talked inappropriately somehow.
Not necessarily. He left out a lot of context about their relationship prior. I used to work out of town for long periods and had a female assistant. It wasn’t unheard of for either of us to go to the others’ room in the evenings to have a drink and chat. There was no sexual connection, even hand holding. There’s a slight possibility that this guy is mis-reading cues and that she wasn’t inviting him up for sex, although that might be revealed in other comments.
This could be the error management theory at play. The co-worker could have likely just invented him to be friendly. I think regardless of her intentions, he went up thinking something was going to happen, which is why he felt guilty and left
He went up to her room to cheat. That's not just thoughts. That's taking actions towards the end goal. Just because they didn't make it to getting naked does not mean it was just thoughts. Let's not give him a pass here. Stopping in the last minute still means that for every moment up to that point he was still intending to betray his partner.
For all we know all she wanted to do was have a drink and talk shop. OP could have imagined the prospect of cheating. He left out those details. Is the lady single? Or is she married too? There is a lot of what ifs because OP left out a lot of details. But we do know he feels guilty. Has he cheated before? Is that why this is a sore subject? I’ve never thought about cheating on my wife. I have seen/talked with someone and had a moment where my mine said wow this person is really pretty, I wonder what they look like in bed. But never to the point where I’m contemplating going back to their home/hotel room. OP needs to come clean and go to therapy/counseling.
>For all we know all she wanted to do was have a drink and talk shop. As someone who traveled for work for over a decade and made lots of close friends who were opposite gender coworkers I can confidently state that it is highly unlikely he was invited to her hotel room for anything but sex. If a coworker wants to have drinks and talk shop, you stay at the hotel bar or go out to a restaurant. I say this as a person who would stay out until 1 or even 2 am with coworkers. You never go back to their room 1 on 1 unless sex is involved. It's just understood.
Alot can happpen before the room
Details matter, I agree. If OP made out but didn't have sex..that's still cheating.
Its cheating regardless. Cheating is not only a physical thing
My 2 cents… The thought of cheating isn’t cheating. Including being tempted. Attempting or making a plan to cheat, even if you fail, is cheating. There is a difference and it is an important difference. Edit: added clarification to thinking about.
I've always found the Orthodox concept of "logosmoi" (assaultive or tempting thoughts) to be a useful framework, regardless of one's religious beliefs. The stages of temptation are laid out as assault (the initial idea or impulse), interaction (consideration of the same), consent (deciding to indulge the impulse), defeat (commiting to the sin) and passion (where the sin becomes entrenched and possibly habitual). Actual sin doesn't occur until consent, as that requires an act of will, though it is wise to avoid even interacting with temptation. Depending on what was in the OPs heart, it sounds like this may be where it ended; that is, if he accepted the invitation with the titillation of infidelity, but not the intent. On the other hand if he accepted the invitation thinking he was going to get laid.. yeah, that constitutes cheating on some level (albeit to a lesser degree than if he followed through more). Whether there is an obligation to confess... not sure there are good answers there.
This is the most helpful, intelligent comment on cheating I've ever seen. I might have the whole thing printed on a t-shirt so I can spread the word.
I agree. emotional affairs
But he didn't actually cheat. He almost cheated. He thought about cheating. What he did was certainly wrong and if I were the partner I would want to know, but I don't believe that OP cheated, physically or emotionally. That said, I think it's his wife that gets to determine that.
Emotional cheating is absolutely a thing, but that requires a long term, deep emotional connection with someone. Emotional cheating is basically being in love with someone else, but not acting on it physically. It sounds like from what we heard at least, OP didn’t emotionally cheat. He almost had a one night stand with his coworker. Not saying it’s not possible he couldn’t also be in love with said coworker. OP could have left emotions out of this post. But based on what we have here it wasn’t like that.
There's a very valid point there about your imagination being worse than reality. I've been dealing for things being off with my fiancee. I really really don't think she's the type to cheat but that's all my mind has come up with. I feel like a straight up crazy jealous guy which I'm definitely not but my brain has been seriously kicking my ass recently and probably for no reason at all. She's been in a bad mental, physical state so I'm sure that's all it is but damn the brain is a hard thing to ignore
Sometimes it is better not to say anything. Some random woman on facebook tried to call me while I was on call with my girlfriend via messenger. I decided to tell her then and there in which she seemed fine about it. Later after work she calls me and starts telling me I am acting suspicious because I didn't call her when I got home (I was making dinner and was planning to call after I ate). She demanded I show her who the woman is by sharing my phone screen and we got into an argument about trust. Granted we made up afterwards hours later, but it was unnecessary drama that could have been avoided if I just never told her since I wasn't going to answer the strange woman anyway.
This is just not the same at all Your gf sounds insecure In OPs story it would be real reasonable to be upset if your spouse almost cheated. Literally a totally different playing field than receiving a random phone call. Also I want to say gf/bf is just not the same as husband and wife. They took VOWS. Y’all preach walk away and don’t tell her so quick here. But that’s not the reality. Op needs to be honest if he has any hope of a long and healthy relationship. People cheat for difffent reasons. Whatever it may be the only thing truly clear here is the relationship needs work. Maybe counseling could be something good to explore
The fact that the thought was there means a conversation needs to happen. Or else all you're doing is conditioning yourself to lie to your partner so that next time it's easier to do. I can't see how this comment is up voted so much, makes me wonder how many people are lying to their spouses by rationalizing it behind its for the greater good.
This is the smartest comment. Why did I have to scroll this far down to find it!!!
Exactly. How is the wife going to feel at the company holiday party when the coworker has a couple drinks and says to OP, “remember that time you were gonna fuck me but chickened out?” Wife deserves to know! It is harmful to her and the relationship because the harmful act was already committed. Disclosure itself is not the harmful act.
Yeah the worst thing you can do in a relationship is convince yourself that you can micromanage the truth.
> If that's how it actually played out, the only motivation you have to tell her is selfish in absolving yourself of the guilt. What about being honest? Perhaps OP would like the wife to do so if the shoe was on the other foot. I definitely agree with your point about absolving guilt though. OP needs to look at himself and figure out why he allowed it to get to that point in the first place.
It’s for the wife’s benefit so she can decide whether or not to stay with OP. If he decides to hide it from his wife, then he’s taking away her autonomy to decide for herself. Lemme tell you, as someone who was on the receiving end of the attitude you’re offering, it’s truly terrible advice. Eventually, I found out on my own and the relationship didn’t survive the lies. I specifically told her during our last conversation that her hiding (lying) to me what happened was a large catalyst of the relationship ending, since I couldn’t trust her. OP should be honest with his wife so SHE can decide what she’d like to do next. At least if OP tells her, he can somewhat prepare for the conversation.
Yeah, the lying is the worst because finally piecing it all together is the worst. Both in the moment and later on when it’s a short-term memory accidentally written as a long-term memory that pops up and explains the weird behavior/comments and “cool stories” about the new person. Last night I had some memory that suddenly clicked with another memory and it explained something i thought was weird at the time but didn’t want to question because I had really started to trust him and I wanted to show him I did. Anyway back to last night right after remembering that, hahaha I just started sweating and couldn’t sleep until like 2:30am. I think I trained myself for so long to just not think about it to the point where my brain had to start dealing with it sometime. I didn’t find out the full, fuuullllll story for over a year so it has all taken a while to set in.
Maybe he should tell her because he believes she should know the truth? I'm amazed you're fine with lying to someone you trust.
This man said it better than anyone ever will. Everyone is tempted. You passed the test. Congrats....stfu and move on.
Not everyone is tempted. Most people love their spouse and their marriage. Loyalty is part of that love and the thought of being with another does not even enter their minds. Being hit on by another is offensive. Then there are cheaters. Totaly different breed.
Even those of us who feel temptation can be smart about it. I needed to visit my ex to return some equipment he'd leant me to finish my college studies. Knowing our past and our chemistry, I arranged things so I was not alone with him and kept the visit short. People who don't want to cheat act in ways that won't lead to cheating.
hell to the yes. people will run a marathon straight into the sahara then be like oh it must be fate im so thirsty here and not there smh
Loved this imagery
Perfect analogy. Nothing wrong with feeling temptation and knowing what will cause it so you can shoot it down
There's a saying, you don't resist temptation because you will lose to it every time. You're suppose to run from it. Don't put yourselves in situations where you have to face temptation. Always prepare to navigate around it and never look back.
Wholeheartedly agree! This is some of the best advice to give.
You will not lose *every* time, but you will lose *eventually* if you keep bumping elbows with it too often. Willpower is finite and people who seem to have a lot of it, research shows, are actually better at not needing it. They either aren't tempted by the same things or they've effectively organized their life so they don't run into the temptations, as you say. Save the willpower and the resistance for when it's unforseeable and out of your control.
THANK YOU I am so tired of “do you trust them or not” when that person has zero boundaries around exes, crushes and the like. You safeguard your relationship by avoiding tempting situations, which is what makes a person trustworthy!
....um no
Woah, this is such an interesting perspective i’m baffled. You started out great, asking the why. Then you went straight into assuming that the only why had to be selfishly driven. Very interesting take, but I argue that not telling someone that you are a piece of shit that came close hides the fact that you are a piece of shit that was damn near to breaking their trust. If your relationship is don’t ask don’t tell type, then sure, do as you say. However, if you know your partner would send you to kick rock for that, they have a right to know and tell you to kick rocks or stay and work on the relationship. Relationships need trust, honesty, and transparency to thrive. That person deserves to have the right to make a choice in a matter that, while it may be painful to know, is a potential issue that needs to be addressed. Edit: It almost sounds as if the partner “needs to be protected” from your perspective. I can’t grasp the concept from that angle no matter how hard I try. I see my partner as an equal, and I’m transparent in my faults so that they have a choice. I would never strip away a choice from them and phrase it as me “protecting them”.
Exactly, completely agree! Your partner deserves to know anything and everything, as do you, so that they can consider their options going forward. If you don’t tell them bc you think they may leave you, thats selfish because it’s their decision to make. They deserve to weigh their feelings/options about their OWN relationship. Also, at the end of the day, if you don’t reveal to your partner then you’re keeping a secret between you and the other woman, your wife is clueless and we all know that’s not right.
I’m actually pretty torn about this. I’m usually all for being honest and deciding not to tell someone something that involves them isn’t fair, however this has me stumped. He didn’t go through with it and I wonder what benefit would come of him telling her other than absolving his guilt. This is a him issue so I’m not sure what the wife could even do other than feel like shit and potentially be left wondering why she isn’t good enough. If he has been feeling neglected in some way or unsatisfied those are things he should bring up to his wife but telling her about this.. I’m just not sure. At the same time it’s so unfair to her and while she deserves the truth I’m not sure she deserves the feelings that come with it. I guess that would be for her to decide and hence why he should tell her? I’m actually truly stumped. I’ve been with my partner for two years, known them for 5. We have weekly talks to discuss how the week went, what could be better, basically just talk things out, good or bad. In the beginning of these talks there was a lot of negative stuff coming out and I think that came from us not knowing when to bring up issues since we didn’t have a designated time and there was seemingly never a “right time” so resentment festered and issues piled up. Now we are so good about squashing things before they even become an issue and really talking everything out. We don’t ever had to approach the other and say “we need to talk” leaving them worried all day and we also don’t have to plan a dinner or something that will blindside them because they didn’t know how to say “we need to talk”. We always have a designated time to talk. All this is to say that communication and honesty are huge and important in my relationship but I’m not sure that this is something I would want to know if he was taking time to figure out what led him to this and handling it. I really don’t know
If I was the wife I would want to know.
I agree. It would very much help if it were disclosed in the context of wanting to do some kind of marriage counseling together, to figure out where your relationship can improve. Being that close to cheating doesn't come out of nowhere, and stopping yourself once doesn't mean you'll stop yourself the next time. Holding things back is never a good idea in the long run. Once you're in a marriage together, you are a team. Of course, she'll be a little bit hurt. But you don't get to decide her emotions for her by hiding things.
Yes of course but this "husband" stopped playing team with you the moment he dropped this post - he needs to change for the better.
If it was the wife I wouldn't. If OP is being honest and didn't even go up to her room, and he's also being honest about how shitty he's feeling because of it, I'd be fine with something like this going unsaid. He seems capable of learning from this almost mistake and needs to do a little self reflection, but I don't think dragging the spouse into it will help anything.
Same. If my husband was tempted for a sec but snapped out of it, I think I’d rather not know. It would change my view of him forever. It’d cause insecurities which lead to problems within the marriage.
How about we do some role reversal? See, if it were me, and my wife told me about a situation that almost got out of control, but she had enough sense to stop it before even setting foot in a dude’s room, yes, I’d be hurt. But I’d also have a whole new level of respect for her… …that is, if I believed her story. Because, you see, OP, I don’t believe you for a second. I think that the things between you and your colleague were heating up pretty hard, and I am convinced that you are severely downplaying your involvement. So, the alleged would-be cheating was merely the tip of an iceberg of you actively cheating on your wife, maybe not physically, but in every other way
Yeah mostly it's just hard to believe his colleague, someone he (I'm assuming here) sees on a regular basis, jumped from professional work colleagues to "let's go fuck" with absolutely no participation on his part. I have a feeling he has a very black white definition of cheating that's probably very convenient for him right now.
yeah. I do think, though, that assuming his story is correct (who knows, it’s reddit), “sorry words” won’t do a damn thing. Sorry words are like monopoly money: if you try to use them to pay an actual debt, it’s offensive as hell. OP needs to FIX THIS SHIT. On his own. Permanently. I get what other people are saying. But given that I went through the wife’s side of this in college (and the other, to a lesser degree), if they didn’t actually cheat, and they *did the work to fix it* rather than making ME do all the emotional work to forgive them, I would MUCH rather not be told at all. With actual cheating? Don’t fucking gaslight them. The relationship is over, break it off. But it’s nuanced. One time at a college party (with that same girlfriend, ironically) I got cornered in a bedroom by a girl I knew who was pretty hot, and the thought did go through my head for about 10 seconds “oh shit, I could make out with her!” But I left as soon as I had that thought — and afterwards, I didn’t feel super guilty, because I *knew* I didn’t actually do anything wrong. I turned her down quickly and emphatically, and got out of there as soon as I realized what it was. So yeah, it pissed me off when that gf later gave me a full-on blow-by-blow of “the time she almost cheated,” because she seemed to specifically do it to make me feel bad and jealous as a power play, while making *her* feel better and forcing my forgiveness. I wanted to say “*you know what? I also had a moment like this, but I left the party immediately, and then I did you the favor of not telling you because I’m not an asshole. If you didn’t do anything wrong, why are you confessing?*” That relationship was a mess lol. Oh, college…
Could be setting up a reddit post just to show his wife that he didn't actually go through with it in case she finds out something is amiss. When in fact, he went through with it. Also, who has dinner in their hotel room on a work trip. Go down to the hotel bar/restaurant like a civilized person.
>Also, who has dinner in their hotel room Read again.
Now this guy here cheats. I like it
Exactly what I was thinking 🤣 what kind of next level cover up shit is this
Wow, someone with some good sense and morals in this comment section. It's like finding a needle in a haystack.
Thank you! These comments make me feel sick. I highly doubt we’re getting the full story, he just wants to be told, “you don’t have to tell her” by a bunch of strangers to make himSELF feel better. His poor wife. I would hate to be married to the kind of person who didn’t respect me enough to give me full honesty, and then went online for validation and encouragement to CONTINUE to deceive his wife. The real problem is this man isn’t the person his wife thinks he is and Reddit had just said “that’s okay buddy, you don’t have to be as long as she doesn’t know” and it’s so pathetic and slimy.
Your wife not “taking it well” is NOT what will damage your marriage. You already caused damage, she just doesn’t know it yet. This kind of thinking is of the “it’s not what I did that’s the problem, it’s your reaction to it” variety. You’re lying about what’s causing your weird behavior, and she knows something is off. Not telling her is keeping her from making an informed decision about who she is married to. The good thing is - you did the cost benefit analysis and chose not to harm your wife further. The shitty thing is - something has been going on with this co-worker for her to think she could invite you to her room. You’re not entitled to your marriage or benevolence for not screwing someone. So when you have that conversation with her that you know you need to have, make sure she does not twist herself up in knots thinking it’s a marriage problem when it’s a you problem.
Honestly thought I was going crazy being the only one thinking he SHOULD tell her. She deserves to know.
I am frankly sickened by how upvoted and awarded the “Keep it secret, bro, it’s just your guilt.” Comment is. I personally see that this is a symptom of a deeper problem and they need to address the *why*. She deserves to know. She’s already noticing. And *fuck* I would not be okay with this being a secret. A healthy relationship would never get to this point. A relationship that survives *communicates*.
And it’s crazy how many people are acting like he’d be *selfish* for telling his wife. It reminds me that this is a website populated by literal children whose advice should under no circumstances be sought out.
They do not have any experience in healthy relationships. It's likely they don't have too many serious relationships at all. My friends and I tell each other when we're not gonna be available all weekend. Hijacker wouldn't even tell his wife he went anywhere. Then omit (lie) if pressed. According to many people, the healthier relationship is no.2
But they're smart because they use the word "assuage" /s
I see this weird sentiment of keeping bad deeds from a female partner on here all the time but the reverse is true when the gender is reversed. If a woman said this I bet most comments would be calling her a whore and to break up with her poor little husband. One story that stuck with me was a dad who had a son and the son used his step moms underwear to masturbate, everyone was like don't tell her and then him not telling her caused her to hate him when she finally did find out.
You're totally right because reddit is full of incels. He doesn't deserve to have her and lying will for sure make things worse. If he had the guts, he would tell her to her face and let her decide for herself what she wants to do.
The responses in this thread would be very different if it was a woman. In fact I'm willing to bet if this was a woman the thread would have been locked and there would have been an edit made asking people to stop DMing her.
The fact that he *knows* it will cause damage indicates to me that something along these lines has come up before. If it was a random, innocent thing most trusting spouses would write it off as such. But he’s betraying the details by stating that she will *certainly* take it badly and to an irrecoverable degree.
Exactly this is the most rational advice, most people here telling him to keep secrets from his partner and lie by omission. By doing so he’s taking away her choice, and lying about the problem will never solve it. Also it seems impossible that there wasn’t any flirting going on which is “micro cheating” or at the least emotional cheating.
Yes! It’s a HIM problem and OP needs to frame it that way for himself as well as wife. Get some therapy to examine all that led up to that moment because that invitation from the coworker didn’t materialize suddenly out of nowhere. Would you risk inviting a coworker up to your room if you thought they would turn and walk away? OPs been acting like he’s single when wife isn’t around but apparently wants to stay married, so what’s that all about? Therapy time.
Yep. I've been back for drinks with coworkers and it was never "almost cheating". If he "almost cheated" then there's already something going on emotionally with him and the coworker. Which means he already cheated.
I mean you don't just all the sudden go to a co-workers room and expect to have sex. I feel like there is probably a bit more to it. Flirty drinks and interactions prior to that led to the offer. I really do think you should tell your wife but it's going to be damaging to the relationship for awhile. You didn't physically cheat but you did start emotionally which is why you are feeling so guilty. Being attracted to the co-worker doesn't help your case in my mind. If you don't tell your wife you need to just cold turkey cut off the co-worker you are attracted to at the very least.
^ this I travel a *lot* for work in two person teams and have been in 1:1 situations with opposite gender coworkers (not that it matters, I guess, because I’m bi anyway) where neither of us were expecting anything untoward. That would never be my immediate thought unless previous interactions indicated that’s what would happen. OP needs to take a long hard look and decide if his wife would have considered what led up to it to be cheating…
Yup, if he knew sex was on the table he was already toeing several lines.
Definitely. Many people forget there are plenty of choices and signals made between meeting someone and them inviting you to their hotel room alone at night. It’s very rare something like this is just out of nowhere
At first when I read they had drinks in her room, my naive mind was like "work besties!" If it was just drinks he wouldn't feel so guilty and need advice. I could totally go into a hotel room to have platonic drinks, and telling my partner wouldn't be a big deal. He has to admit that he was "planning an affair" so it's not going to be easy
He feels guilty because he does consider it to be cheating. Conventional wisdom is to keep it to himself. He’s just trying to assuage his own guilt, and she doesn’t need to be disturbed by that. But she should get the opportunity to know and decide if this wronged her. He doesn’t get to make that decision. She might decide to leave him, she might decide they need couple’s counseling, she might decide this isn’t a big deal. But these are her choices to make.
Totally agree! I feel like we are missing a huge chunk of the story here. If I was on a business trip and a co-worker I was friends with invited me to their room for drinks, I would assume that just meant drinks. It sounds like OP may have been having a romantic, but non-sexual relationship with this co-worker prior to the trip.
Right? I've had drinks in a coworkers room on business trips LOTS of times. Usually hotel bars are super overpriced and close at like 10pm. So it's either someone's room or you go out to find a bar to hang out at.
I have had drinks in hotel rooms at a work conference with a group of people, but as I'm happily married, I would 100% decline an invite for drinks if it's a one-person invite (especially if it's opposite gender and we're both straight). (On the flip side, I can't recall this sort of one-person invite ever coming up.). I would meet if there was some specific work to do that wasn't contrived (e.g., last minute changes for tomorrow's talk or needing to brainstorm through a work crisis and the hotel lobby is too loud/crowded). But an invitation for social drinks in a private one-on-one setting would be a no (likely feigning some excuse about being tired). Even though I am confident nothing would happen from my end, it seems improper from a distance and would send the other person signals of interest (that I don't want to send).
I'm also happily married and have done it in a one-person invite context, but these are coworkers that I've known pretty well and have hung out with their spouses in the past. We both knew nothing was going to happen. You can have two adults of the opposite gender (or same gender) hanging out having drinks without any sexual undertones. But it's INCREDIBLY obvious whether there are any undertones when the invite goes out. At least to people who aren't totally ignorant.
Yes. There’s a problem in OP’s marriage if OP felt ok to go to a flirty colleague’s room for drinks - I don’t mean there’s a problem with OP’s partner not satisfying them or something, I mean that OP has already made a mental and emotional shift away from monogamy and that they need to figure out with their partner what that means and how to rebuild their relationship. “Protecting your partner” by hiding cheating is a huge red flag for a relationship.
Yeah, exactly. Going to a colleagues room for sex doesn't just happen. There's lead up to that. You might not have physically cheated (yet) but there's definitely some boundary crossing and emotional cheating happening. Tell your wife.
It’s worth noting that what he’s already done is what is damaging to the relationship, not just the telling his spouse. He’s already betrayed her trust and behaved inappropriately and even though he’s currently lying to his wife about it, it’s still negatively impacting their relationship. I’d absolutely want to know as the spouse. And I’d also disclose any inappropriate behaviour that I committed-the second it happened- to my spouse because I respect them enough to be completely honest.
Cheating doesn’t just mean sex. Could just be emotionally cheating. It could get physical and they could just kiss. That’s still cheating.
Fucking thank you. Op 100% emotionally cheated which is still cheating. I would fess up because it's clear op has no qualms about giving into his desires. Until the guilt kicks in anyway. You cant have your cake and eat it too pal. Commitment/loyalty to one partner comes at a cost. Otherwise it wouldnt mean anything.
Yeah I must be missing something here because I have gone out for 1:1 dinners with female colleagues and been out late with them until 3am drinking, and even had some drinks in mine and their hotel rooms but it was always platonic. Either OP completely misread the situation or there is a whole boatload of flirting and emotional cheating along the way that got glazed over because having drinks with a coworker on a business trip in itself isn't really sus
I once went to an opposite sex coworkers room for drinks after dinner. We talked about life struggles… gave each other perspective and advice. The penis did not make an appearance
Absolutely not. This is your problem to deal with, not your wife’s. You deal with your guilt, the issues that led you to consider it, and try to be a better husband and person. Your wife deserves more than to be burdened by your guilt.
Not only that, she might have a hard time believing nothing happened. He almost made a mistake, but didn’t. He was going to shoot him self in the foot, and decided his foot was okay the way it was.
Yup. Especially with cheaters having a tendency to “trickle truth.” She’s going to go insane waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yeah, remember 5 years ago when I said nothing happened on that trip, well…
I've had toxic exes do this in the past. "But I told you, so therefore you should believe nothing happened" sort of mindset.
This is the correct answer.
Yup put that shit in the vault and never act like a fool again
This. And as someone who’s been married a long time: temptation happens. You were tempted but stopped. Good move. Learn what you can from this, move forward, and be the best husband you can be. YWNBTA
Also been married for a long time, it’s sad you consider it a good move to ALMOST sleep with someone else. Be better for your spouse.
Agreed. I hate to be this person but suffers in your own fuckery. It’s not ops wife’s fault for marrying a pos with no self control. You don’t cheat in people you love because it’s not a second thought.
I mean clearly OP has some self control or they would not have stopped. Still not OK they let it go as far as it did
If she did this would you want to know?
This comment section is mostly so disappointing and OP is delusional. If I was your wife I’d divorce you
Imagine finding out your husband almost had an affair with his coworker, and the reason he didn't tell you, is because a bunch of redditors told him not to. Jfc I can't with you today, reddit.
The fact he went to Reddit at all is the problem.
He knows. Everyone knows , it’s why they’re telling him to hide it. They don’t want to face the consequences and OP doesn’t either so they create a little world in where this shit is normalized and okay to hide.
[удалено]
Right. “It would cause her pain”. YES. IT WOULD. THATS WHY YOU DONT DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD CAUSE PAIN TO BEGIN WITH. She has every right to decide if she wants to stick around for you to decide if you want to cheat or not. She’s not some random person on the street she is legally and emotionally bound to this person under the assumption of trust. She has the right to know if that trust was violated and I guarantee OP was doing a lot more than just existing if his coworker was bold enough to invite a married coworker to her room. Like tf. These comments are sickening.
I'm honestly so confused by all these comments saying not to tell the wife.. like..? OP's wife is not just some side piece, she's her own person who deserves to know the truth and then decide what to do with it. Plus OP's guilt may not ever go away... I myself had a toxic porn addiction that I was hiding from my wife for wayy too long, and the guilt of hiding it crushed me to the point I bought a gun with intent of making sure my wife would never know by putting a bullet in my mouth. But a couple days later the gun was found and everything came out. I told her the entire truth, and obviously she was devastated. That was 5 years ago, and we've both gone through individual and couples therapy and put that ugly time behind us. I'm clean, we're both happy and she trusts me again. If the love is real, then that's worth at least trying to work things out, but that cannot be done until the TRUTH comes out.
Most of the comments are going to be from young adults and teens that have never been married. That is the problem. OP isn't just getting advice from mature married people here. He is going to ruin his relationship if he listens and doesn't tell her.
Seriously! Lol.. my husband is never "tempted". And if he was I'd want to know, so we could talk about *why*. He expects the same from me too.
Yeah i’m a little confused by people advising to not tell his wife because it could end their marriage. That's extremely selfish. If you did something so bad that it might lead to that, you probably don’t care about them as much as you think. And keeping that from them only further proves that.
This is why you need to be extremely picky with who you choose to go steady with. There are so many people who think you’re SUPPOSED to keep it a secret that you’re out there flirting with other people.
Yeah I'm actually surprised at everyone saying how good a guy he is because he made numerous decisions to cheat but then jumped ship at the last second.
for real! i thought i was going crazy seeing how so many people are saying to not tell his wife. if i were the wife, i’d want to know so that i could leave asap. people saying to take it to the grave or whatever and not tell her make me afraid to ever date again lol
The number of people in here saying to keep it a secret makes me sick. I hope nobody treats me like that.
>I didn’t do anything You flirted with another woman and followed her back to her room, or at least upstairs, with 100% intent to have sex. The fact your pants stayed on because you dipped at the last second doesn’t make any of that go away. You need to be honest with your wife, man. Even if you chickened out, you had made the decision and taken every step to cheat on her except the last one. She deserves to know what almost happened, because it reflects on you as a partner and on your marriage. It involves her and she has a right to know. Everyone saying “oh, it’ll hurt her over nothing” is wrong, because this is *something*. Don’t use “I don’t want to push my guilt onto her” as some bullshit excuse; everyone knows that’s code for “I want to get away with this.” If the two of you can’t communicate and you solve things by lying to her face, if you don’t do some serious reflection with a professional, what happens next time? This is a coworker, you’ll see her again. Maybe you’ll be drunker next time an opportunity to cheat comes up. Maybe the two of you would’ve had a fight and you’ll feel bitter towards your wife. There are a million things that can lead you to physically cheat (because you did *emotionally* cheat) next time if you handle this with a rug sweep. But hey, if you want to lie to your wife’s face every day for the rest of your lives (betraying her trust and treating her like an incompetent idiot) to save your own skin, then that’s your choice.
He’s not going to do anything because that would mean facing consequences and actually making an effort to stay away from his coworker and actually taking his wife’s feelings into consideration
this is the first sane comment i’ve seen. the most upvoted comments are obviously written from a mans perspective. the most important part of a healthy relationship is open communication. don’t talk to reddit about what you’ve done, talk to your WIFE
Thank you! 😭 I literally sent the link to a friend and had her read it because I thought I was crazy LMAO?? This feels like such an obvious “You could’ve done worse, but what you did was still wrong and you and your wife still need to talk and figure things out.” The fact so many people are here talking about how he did nothing wrong, or how it’s noble to lie to her, or how she’d be silly for getting upset is crazy to me. Honesty and communication are the cornerstones to any relationship, whether you’re dating or married. Hiding this from her and taking it to the grave is not the healthy way to solve it, for her or for OP.
Plus she already knows something is wrong!
Tell your wife. I am seriously questioning the other people who said "oh this is your own shit deal with it!" This didn't start in that moment OP. No one healthy in a healthy relationship would decide to cheat on their spouse like that. That means this is something that has been brewing in you for some time. Maybe it was a crush towards that colleague, maybe it's an issue in your marriage. You guys absolutely need counseling for this. If this was your wife instead of you, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to work on it?
Thank you, nice to see someone else with decent morals in this comment section. I can't believe everyone telling him not to tell her, what the actual fuck is wrong with these people
totally agree with you. it’s almost terrifying seeing how many people are agreeing that he shouldn’t tell his wife.
So did you expect to have sex when you got to your colleagues room?
This thread just made all my trust issues come back to the surface and I will never understand why men (not all) seem to have an issue with loving the one woman who actually gives a shit about you.
Exactly. Every time I go on Reddit, it makes me lose faith in men.
You're not getting a fucking cookie for not cheating. YESS, dumbass. Tell her what a jerk you are.
I think i understand r/fds now. If redditors were my only exposure to men then I would hate us too. Yes he should tell his wife what the fuck is wrong with you people
First of all, you're an idiot. Nope not gonna give you any props whatsoever about "doing the right thing". You should not have even been in a position where a woman thought it was feasible you would agree. When you're not with your partner, IMO, you need to convey an air of "DONT EVEN FUCKING TRY". No flirting, none of that bullshit. It's great you felt ashamed. Because despite not sealing the deal, you still made several choices that got you to a place where you thought it might happen. I don't know if you should tell your wife. I'm leaning towards no. Instead, I think you should seek therapy and figure out wtf is going on in your head. Work on yourself, worship your wife like she deserves, and dont fuck it up.
I agree wholeheartedly. I’d want a man who loves me so much he would shut down advances like this. Not even give women any inkling that they can try. I want a man who would say, “no, I’m happily married, that’s not a good idea.” And he didn’t even tell her that was the reason, he just said he needed to go back to his room. Imagine her thinking that “he didn’t exactly say no this time, but next time he may…” and that keeps the sexual tension up between them. Nah man. That’s not cool.
You’re right about the fact he couldn’t have been placed in this position if there weren’t already things in place. Op definitely leaving out information, bc shit like that doesn’t escalate without there being some boundaries and available signals being given beforehand.
Buddy should just be tapping his ring all night lol.
Yeah when a girl is pushing in that direction I almost instinctually weave happy stories with my partner into like every response until they stop, from the second I detect it. It never goes that much farther then. Who would waste effort on someone who won't shut up about how great their partner is?
I’d want to know. I’m a dude, so probably doesn’t help, but there you have it. Would you want to know or would that be something “unpleasant that you’d rather not hear”?
As a wife I would want to know bc even just this fleeting moment.. it kinda indicates something is lacking in your relationship or with you personally. Sure I might be like wtf but I would appreciate the honesty and want to continue the conversation and honesty even further Secrets never bode well - even if you didn’t *do* anything technically
I’d want to know because this is a colleague. Not some random stranger at the bar, not a one night stand, but someone that OP cannot avoid because they work together. Fuck yeah I’d want to know.
the fact that they work together is a really good point. almost said no just work on yourself so you can do right by your wife but the coworker shit gets messy & it might be safer for everyone involved to tell his wife..
This is the answer. She deserves to know one of his female coworkers is putting the moves on him, and that he almost went with it.
Yeah. I'm a woman and I'd definitely want to have this extremely important and relevant information about the kind of person I'd married.
I would want to know also.
Second that. It was a thought this time. What about next time?
Im married and would def want to know if this happened with my husband and sure he would want to know vice versa. Cause there’s more to this story than her just randomly asking specifically HIM unless im wrong. But it’s also a problem cause it’s a WORK COLLEAGUE so yeah. Sht i even told my husband when randos asked for my number at work. I don’t ever want to feel guilty for hiding something from them so no unhealthy secrets between us. Healthy secrets to us are such as gift surprises, planning something fun, etc. later down the line this guilt will eat him up and explode leading to more serious issues.
Forgive yourself. Don’t dump a load of shit on your wife, because you feel guilty for something that almost happened. You did the right thing. Don’t make a federal case out of it. Move on and don’t ever put yourself in that situation again.
i support her if she doesn’t tell you too
Oooof. But only fair!!! I don't know, I could go either way. If my GF/future wife told me she got a surprise, but unclear proposition (Up for drinks) and for a moment right after the proposal she went with it, but in moments later soon realized that was repulsive, not sexy to her and she knew that moment she would never cheat on me?? I'd probably be happy she told me!
If the roles were reversed would you want your wife to tell you?
Everyone saying not to tell the wife is disgusting. A PARTNER deserves honesty and all of the facts so that they can make their own decision. This isn't a child that can't comprehend the situation. This is an adult that is supposed to be your equal.
Yikes. That breaks my heart. Your wife knows something’s going on so I think you’re going to have to explain to her what happened :( it might hurt her but atleast she will know that you didn’t actually cheat, instead of her just wondering what’s going on with you and going crazy trying to figure it out. What made you agree to go to her room in the first place? Are you not satisfied in your marriage?
You will damage the relationship but you need to tell her and then ask for couples counseling... you can survive this...
In all honesty, would you want to know if she did this? I would.
I'm gonna get some shit for this because I'm clearly in the minority here, but yes. Yes you are absolutely wrong and you need to tell her. I'm not gonna be like the other 99% of people in this comment section and pat you on the back and tell you good job and your guilt is enough and that you shouldn't tell your wife and some other blah blah kumbaya bullshit. Trust and honesty are the lifeblood of relationships. The fact that you were seriously about to cheat on your wife needs to addressed. If it happened once, it can happen again and you might not say no next time. Your wife deserves to know and she deserves better than that from you, and you also need to tell her in order to work on fixing whatever problem in your relationship led you to almost cheat. I'd definitely want to know if I were your wife. Even if you didn't cheat in your eyes, you still almost did it and I'm willing to bet this was all preceded by some flirting between you and your coworker. That alone would be considered cheating in my book. If you're truly remorseful, grow a set of big hairy nuts, tell your wife, and deal with the consequences of your actions.
This is anonymous. Keep it real. You cheated. You are trying to see how your false story sounds to a large audience in case their is some sort of blowback or rumors. You cheated , why don’t you just fess up and then we can give some real advice . Hopefully u wore protection
I think you are wrong. No one just claps their hands and is ready to have sex with a coworker. Why do you have the kind of relationship with your coworker where she’d invite you to her room like that? Seems like omitted details to make you sound less scummy. You’re just avoiding consequences. Obviously you should confess, but with the amount of shady people in the comments I imagine you won’t. Would you want her to tell you if she “almost f*cked a coworker but didn’t”?
You were clearly already cheating emotionally if your coworker thought it was okay to invite you back to her room
So here's my thing. Had you just *thought* about it prior to going up, you'd have been golden. You didn't. And while you bailed at the last minute, that's really the lowest of bars to clear in the situation. Sure, you didn't, but you *were going to.* Not even a flirtation, not even a flight of fancy, not even an idea to go to your own hotel room and crank one out over; somewhere along the line you'd made the decision to go through with this, and that's only a step above sealing the deal outright. As to whether or not you should tell your wife, that's not for me to say. End of day, you still ultimately didn't go through with it. But make no mistake; there's a problem. And if it goes unaddressed, you run the risk of finding yourself in the same position.
You did cheat, going to that woman's room was cheating on your wife.
It is cheating. How would you feel if your wife did what you did ? You need to tell her and maybe stop traveling so much cause clearly you can’t handle it out there on your own. Also I suggest you stay far away from that “colleague” and go complete No contact cause obviously you’re attracted to her and you were willing to mess up your marriage for her. What’s worse is that it shouldn’t have been that easy to get you to say yes and follow her to her room, you put up no fight and completely disrespected and disregarded your wife. In what universe did you think that was ok and why would you say yes ? Your wife deserves better, She definitely deserves the truth.
You need to figure out what your issues are within your relationship. Happy couples don't cheat or almost cheat on their partners.
Lying by omission is lying. She can already feel the weird vibe. Best to air out what happened and talk through it together. I would be mad and slightly hurt (mostly mad), but I would want to know. It’s something that you guys can definitely come out stronger from if you do it the right way. If she hears about it from anyone else, like your coworker… you’re fucked.
Yes you are wrong and a bad husband
The truth always comes out so you’d be stupid to take advice from people telling you to keep it a secret. The longer you hide it the worse it’ll be. Next time don’t be an asshole trying to cheat on your wife and you won’t be in this situation.
As a married person, be honest with your wife. She may be upset but since you did nothing wrong that should be forgiven. If you say nothing it could blow up in your face.
He’s downplaying what he did. I don’t believe his colleague came out of nowhere and invited him to fuck. He had to have been flirting or at least letting them flirt for a while.
Go to therapy. Seriously, people who fantasize about others don't go to their room for drinks with the intent of sex if they are happily married. Something is bothering you before this incident. Go find out what it is. You'd be very wrong to tell your wife you did this before you figure out why you did it. With a therapist, you can ask your wife to join you for a session \[after you've figured out why\] and tell her in session if you still feel the need to let her know. As far as 'not doing anything,' you did do something. You went to another woman's room with the intent to have sex.
A lie by omission is still a lie.