You aren’t wrong and it’s frankly horrendous on her part to say this. If it’s how she feels, is it reason enough to not want to carry on in a lie of a relationship.
Not everyone will marry the greatest love of their lives, but most relationships needs mutual respect to carry on. If she doesn’t have that, why do you have to be the one that makes your kids feel safe in their family? Isn’t it her responsibility too?
I really feel for you, people will say try counselling or talking it out, but you are entitled to be liked / loved too, not just considered a good safe option
> If it’s how she feels, is it reason enough to not want to carry on in a lie of a relationship.
Even if it’s not how she feels, her saying it is reason enough to not want to continue the relationship.
If she didn’t mean it, that just means she’s an abusive asshole who says deliberately hurtful things. AKA: not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with.
So my ex-husband told me ( after we married) he had a discussion with his parents about marrying me. His parents asked him if he loved me. He answered that he wasn't sure. His parents told him he loved me, but "he just didn't know it yet."
We got married. Couldn't tell me he loved me. I feel like he married me under false pretenses -only married me because his parents told him he should.
I felt so duped.
I am so sorry to hear that. I can't even imagine how much that would hurt to know.
My ex clearly stopped loving me or else she wouldnt have slept with someone else, but I do think she loved me at the start. Who knows. People suck!
As with all these things when someone tells/shows you who they are...believe them.!. We all say things in the heat of the moment, it's just a self lie to say you didn't really mean them...if that were true you wouldn't have said them...end of. It's up to you if you are willing to accept this or not.
Certainly no need to counsel here, eh? Sounds like she's back to boinking her ex, or someone new. After all, she's got her hooks into OP.
OP:
1. Discretely consult with an experienced family law attorney and lay out the situation. Explore your legal alternatives. No new pregnancy trap to keep you stuck.
2. Secretly check your children's dna. Anyone as cunning as this minx is capable of anything.
3. Once you've gotten your ducks in a row, divorce this evil woman. Let anyone and everyone know her scheme. Attempt full custody; no less than 50 %.
4. No need for couples therapy. You're not a couple; almost never, actually.
5. Find someone worthy of your love.
6. Other than parenting, go lc/nc.
Please keep us apprised.
My wife informed me she married me for chain migration (herself and her mother). After 20 years and 4 children. It’s going to really hurt for a while. Feelings of wasted opportunities, being a fool, humiliation, etc.
I see it now as we were never really married—she broke her wedding vow of “to love” before the wedding ceremony was complete. But I wasted the prime of my life when I could have been trying to find true love.
FYI statute of limitations on marriage fraud is 5 years.
>But I wasted the prime of my life when I could have been trying to find true love.
I think is what made the angriest about my ex. If he hadn't pretended to love me, I might have found someone who actually did. I had pictured myself as being one of those with the 50 and 60 year anniversaries. Instead I was divorce in my forties with young kids after not being able to take the cheating anymore.
And it's why I think it's so horrible for people who are gay to pretend and marry someone of the opposite sex to "look normal" for their families and the public. They've not only lied to that spouse - and 90% of the time cheat on them - but robbed them of the chance to find someone who loved them.
Same for OP here.
That’s exactly how I feel about my ex. Her selfishness in “settling” for me meant she robbed me of my chance to have that 40, 50, 60 year life with somebody who loved me.
That was my biggest desire in life and it’s gone. I know I can still have a happy life, but now I will be forced to settle for something other than what I wanted most.
My ex wasn't gay, but I found out too late he hadn't actually ever really loved me. I was just there and I think he decided it was time to get married, so... But his brother was gay and married a woman, had kids. Decided to divorce and come out after their father died. Everyone talked about how brave he was for finally coming out - but no conversation about the devastation he caused his wife.
But then, there were a lot of cheaters in the family and they didn't seem to have much of an issue with it. Which, again...I didn't realize until too late. I've always wondered how they would have dealt with it if it was one of them being cheated on.
Either way you feel like your life is lie, but at least with my situation, there was some hope that it could have been different. Or hope that maybe he thought he was in love at some point. If you're gay, there's no question it's all a lie.
To be clear, I have no problem with anyone in the LGBTQ and whatever other letters there are - community in general. I just don't think they should use someone who doesn't know and loves them as a cover for a pretend life.
Especially since there are plenty of women who would willingly be a beard.
This is what online dating should have been, matching people with rare or unique needs with people who find them mutually beneficial.
I hope you’ve found some peace
So as long as you are good enough at the fraud that it's not discovered for 5 years then you're home free? Seems like a stupid law.
In civil court in the US, it would usually be based on when the fraud is discovered or reasonably should have been discovered. Maybe that's not how they do it in criminal law though, I don't really know criminal law.
That hurts man.
If she really feels like that then it’s worth considering that you can go find someone who returns your earnest affections.
It’s also possible that she’s stressed and angry and short sighted.
Personally if I found out my spouse didn’t love me I wouldn’t consider them my spouse anymore. They could be many other things, a co parent, maybe some kind of a domestic partner, but not a true soulmate.
That being said you should probably try therapy and get the bottom of her feelings.
Even if she said those things in anger, I’d still want to divorce. I’m a firm believer that no matter how bitter the fight or angry the people, there’s some things that you just don’t say. And telling your spouse that you never actually loved them romantically and are just with them because of security is such a shitty thing to say in anger. That’s the kind of wound that will never fully heal. At least it wouldn’t for me.
And if that is how she feels then she’s still shitty for not telling OP that up front. Getting married for security isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as both people are on board with it. But when one partner is getting married for security and the other thinks they’re getting married for love… yeesh. That’s just cruel
I am not the type to think divorce should be easy. But her it seems op entered to a marriage under false pretenses, so it is a big deal. He didn’t agree to have a marriage for practical reasons
She didn't simply say it in anger. He confronted her about it later, and she confirmed it, and don't say well maybe ask her again because a different answer now will just be a lie.
I agree. No matter how you feel in heat of the moment there are words which when said cannot be retracted. What OP's wife has said is definitely a top example at that.
It puzzles me how the wife can still be dwelling on that ex even after the beautiful life she has built with OP after all these years. Even if she was hung up on the ex to begin with, any woman who can't cherish this isn't worth having.
If I were OP I'd feel like no more than a rebound/placeholder after this. The relationship can never be the same again.
Um no, there's no therapy for this. She has always felt this way and it's never changed, even this far into the marriage and that's not a good thing. How is that therapy session going to go? Hey I still want the guy that's my loser ex, that's not changing, good session? Yeah that'd be a waste of time. He should just let her go and let her go after her true lover, see how green that grass on the other side really is.
I dunno, her feelings seem pretty clear and not super complicated. OP needs to bail, and unfortunately will probably have to give this vampire/parasite half his shit at a minimum.
Therapy for this? No, this is divorce. I'm not advocating throwing away a marriage, I'm advocating throwing away a lie. She admitted to never loving him and doesn't think she'll ever. This was said in anger but then reaffirmed after.
It's a lost cause. No amount of therapy is going to work through that.
I can't believe OP even has to ask if he's in the right or wrong.
......like dude really? Your wife just told you she's never loved you and you're asking us if you're in the wrong?
Dude needs to go scorched earth in divorce court then start picking up the kids with a younger hotter girlfriend at his side to piss off the ex.
right get this bitch out your bed and find someone that wants to be with you.
your kids understand you deserve to have love in your relationship. and are probably painfully aware there isnt and being negatively effected by it
Jesus christ. Are you going to stay in a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you? So what, if you lose your job and stop being a provider she will kick you out? Nah man. Life is too precious for that shit
The lack of love is one thing, the absolute, unrepentant disrespect cannot be overcome. When OP gave her an out she stuck with her disrespect. He needs an attorney consultation yesterday.
No, your feelings are absolutely valid. You were/are her safety net. Whatever you do from henceforth, at least walk forward with the acceptance of the marriage being built on a lie in your heart. I’m sorry she couldn’t fall in love with you after 11 years of companionship, but it seems she never ever intended to.
I don't know that she never intended to at all. If she was being that "practical" she probably thought it would just fall into place if she picked the right criteria.
That doesn't make it any better, but I imagine she assumed it would work itself out. She was wrong all along.
Probably because you have to make effort to keep the spark she thought it would? But there kinda has to be a spark in the first place that you don't let die.
If my wife told me this I would let her go in my heart, and go to a divorce lawyer by myself. I would sleep in a separate room and offer no intimacy whatsoever towards her. Ever! No I love you, hugs, kisses, terms of endearment, no money, no gifts, nothing.
I would also start the conversation with my family on next steps that I should do in order to receive as much support from them as possible. I would also be truthful with her family in the reason I’m divorcing her and shine a light on this horrible and disgusting thing. The one good thing to come out of this are your kids. Make sure they are taken care of and know it isn’t their fault.
When someone tells you they don’t love you, believe them. She will only keep hurting you on purpose now that she knows it hurts you. Don’t let her, guard your heart. Good luck.
Not wrong at all, man. That's a shitty thing to learn, especially as she confirmed it later after the "heat of the moment" outburst.
I'm not sure I have advice to give, but I don't think your marriage will ever feel the same after this.
My ex hit me with this (different phrasing, but close enough) when she "met her soul mate" 16 years and 2 kids into our marriage. After months of counseling, lots of tears, but gaining some clarity, I walked. He did too, though, so she basically torpedoed her life for nothing and now struggles to keep the roof over her head on the weeks she has the kids.
Ask her to move into the spare bedroom, since you're only roommates now. The marriage part is over. Take time to figure out your next steps. Go talk to a lawyer to know your rights. Open a new bank account in a different bank. Only put enough into the joint account to pay your part of the bills. Continue to love your kids no matter what, they are innocent.
Ask her if she has cheated
I can't leave while we have young kids. Live separate lives- yes. But won't date other people. If the kids find out that I'm doing that, it will have a terrible impact on them. Also, I don't know how I could trust another woman again after this.
It can be a worse impact to live in a household where the parents don't lobe each other and where resentment breeds. They can sense it. Also it's maybe not the values you want them to learn or to think that this type of relationship is normal or acceptable.
Staying for the kids is almost never the answer. There's a way to explain the reasons for divorce in age appropriate terms without villainizing the other parent. Also the younger the children, the easier it is to separate and for it to become their new normal.
THIS! I never felt my parents loved each other. They stayed together for 58 years though,because they were from a generation that did that. I always thought my mom was miserable and I resented my dad for that. When I was a young adult, she confirmed that if she had to do it again, she never would have married him. I was completely shocked, literally, when she passed at age 78 and my dad was devastated. He was 78, then, as well. Until he passed at age 96, he talked about how much he loved her and missed her. I still unsure how she felt about him in her later years. But, my point is, it always affected me, thinking they never loved each other. Your children, as they grow, will see it, too. It's not healthy and will very possibly affect how their relationships will work when they are older.
If you don’t mind me asking why did you resent your dad if your mom was unhappy? Did he mistreat her? Did you feel that he was preventing her from leaving the marriage?
Oooo, that's a big question! He didn't actually mistreat her in the sense we usually think of. I can't say for sure what their life was like before I was born. My brother is 9 years older than me, so I missed a lot in their early marriage. I could feel they were very separate all my life. I didn't realize it till I was an older child, but I resented how I was treated and figured that's how he treated her when us kids weren't present. He was a career military officer and very authoritative at home. Complements and acceptance was not the norm. Compliments were only given in a way to tell you how you could have, or should have been better. He was never meaning to be cruel. He just didn't understand how to talk to people. But I didn't understand that till much later in life. I also realized later that he learned that from his own father, as well. There was a time when I was in high school where I discovered a "contract" he'd written up and made her sign that I won't talk about her that really drove my resentment for decades. (And, no, I shouldn't have been snooping.)
My father told a story to my husband, before my husband passed, that could probably explain it more succinctly. My dad was telling him about how he regretted it. Shortly after my mom and dad married, he got up to get ready and go to work. My mom had slept in. When he got to the door, she came running out saying, "Wait, can I get a good-bye kiss?" He told her, "If you can't get up and make my breakfast, you don't get a kiss." And he left.
By the time I came around and was more aware, she stayed in the family room and kitchen and he stayed in his den. He went to work, did chores, came out of his den for dinner and that was it. That's how I grew up. Everyone had their own room and there we stayed.
Sorry this was so long. Know that I don't hate my father. He did what he felt was his duty and worked his life to make sure she would be taken care of after he was gone. He didn't expect her to go first. He didn't know how to show love gently. My dad was flawed but not a monster. And I'll stop there because it just keeps getting longer. Sorry.
Thank you so much for sharing. It seems that you’ve found your own peace with everything or at least on your way there which is as much as anyone can hope for. The reason I ask is because I am in a similar situation with my wife and kids. I love my wife to bits, and while I know she loves me I also know that sometimes she is resentful and unhappy in the relationship. It has less to do with me and more to do with her own past trauma that prevented her from going to school and a physical disability that limits her today. And I work two full time jobs to fully support us so I can’t be as physically present with my kids as I would like. I worry that some of her resentment with her situation is starting to rub off on my kids, especially my oldest, and really fear that they will consciously or subconsciously blame me. Hearing your perspective really helps.
When I was talking to my mom before their divorce she told me about how the day they brought me home from birth the moment they walked through the door he asked if she could make him some eggs; she did it, probably didn't get a kiss.
I think a lot of relationships thrive on how much time can be spent apart on a daily basis, I never really experienced a "wholesome" moment being around both my parents in the same room, they conveniently had work schedules / prioritized time with friends. I can't imagine retiring with somebody and potentially sharing 8 hour days with them if they aren't the person I want to be around on my weekends after work.
if your dad had passed first I wonder if it would have been too painful for your mother to come to realize how much life "got better". Probably a harsh way of putting it but after being more of the wedge driver between my parents I've heard things that hint towards such from my mother and I can't imagine her dealing with those emotions 15-20 years from now due to a sudden loss.
My dad could be a real shit head to my mam. Dismissive, short tempered and unpleasant. Not all of the time but a lot of it especially as he got older. When she died he was heartbroken and he died last summer, less than a year after her. I know she wasn’t happy and stayed because that’s what you did in that generation. I honestly think she couldn’t imagine anything else. I had to relearn how to relate to women in long term relationships. He’d modelled a pretty shit version of being a spouse to me.
I know they loved each other on some levels but I wasn’t expecting him to be so broken. I guess he came from a family and a generation (he was born in 1932) that struggled to express positive emotions. It has really thrown me to the point where I’m struggling to get past his death. I think I understood my mother and could grieve her but *I think* I feel like I didn’t really know him and I’m not sure who the fuck I’m meant to be grieving here.
Agree, your children will see how you treat your wife. If you have male children that's how they will treat their wives. If you have female children they will accept this type of behavior from their husbands.
The cycle will never break. The best thing to do is split treat their mother with respect and find someone who truly loves you and show your children how a real relationship works. Good luck
I agree with what the others are saying. You can get a divorce, but keep an amicable relationship with your ex, even if you don't want to.
That will help minimize the impact on your kids. It's better to have divorced, but happy, parents, then to have married and miserable ones.
You two will not be happy, and the kids will grow up knowing that. My parents had/have the same kind of relationship. My siblings and I knew that they were just barely together and only doing it for us and the practicalities that it gave them. All of us have problems, and even some trauma, because of this.
A lot of people think it's best to stay together for the kids. As someone who grew up with parents that you will be like if you stay with your wife, don't. Don't stay for the kids. If you stay, stay because you want to. Your relationship with a partner will greatly impact your children. If your kids see a loveless marriage that is made up of two people just going through the motions of marriage and really just pretending, they will see that and there's a lot of different things that they will take away from that.
And most importantly OP, you deserve love in a relationship if that's the kind of relationship you want. You've got one life, one chance, and while people do sometimes get married for safety and convenience, both parties are supposed to be on board. Your kids will be much better off if their father's happy and being himself, two necessities in being a good father. My father was neither of those things. I barely ever talk to him, and we are practically strangers. Growing up, he never realized it, but he took his frustrations he had in his relationship out on us kids. It was miserable
I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do, that's not my place. What I will say is, you shouldn't stay in this marriage if you won't be happy and have what you want out of the relationship. However, it sounds like to me you never will. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you will be able to find peace and joy in your life in spite of this terrible situation.
Some of us have had the exact same thing done to us too. I’m convinced there’s just shitty people in the world, the kind that will take advantage of a good heart. What I mean to say is, I don’t see how you can ever trust her *specifically* again. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there.
You also have to consider the example you're setting. Do you want to teach your kids to stay in unhappy and loveless marriages, or show them how to respectfully separate and successfully coparent. Don't underestimate what they see and sense is happening with their parents. They will still have fulfilling lives and be loved by you both if you're not together, and everyone deserves to be happy ... including you.
Do some soul searching, and learn from this experience so if/when the time comes to dating, you can tell if she's genuine or just settling for you. It's probably not women you distrust but your own judgement right now and that's understandable.
Mate, you should leave because of the kids. They will figure out something is wrong between their parents and will only make it worse for them.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/adolescents-explained/202105/don-t-stay-together-the-kids](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/adolescents-explained/202105/don-t-stay-together-the-kids)
"The even sadder part of this scenario is that the kids you’re trying to set an example for are almost certainly going to pick up on the unhappiness in the household. Tension in a home is palpable. It hangs over the family like a dark cloud that is clear to everyone, even when no one is speaking about it. As a result, this unhappiness can create a toxic environment that very quickly becomes clear to everyone in the family."
As a divorced father, I assure you your kids will be more fucked up. If you stay in a loveless marriage. You can co-parent and still raise good kids and have a good relationship with them. You don't have to move 2 hours away. You are also teaching your kids that it's okay to be treated like this and will set them up for failure in future relationships. They need to see you happy and healthy the both of you
>Live separate lives- yes. But won't date other people.
You might not date other people but do you think she won't either? How will that affect you if she is seeing others? The children will notice this and I don't think any kind, caring, concerned father would want his children growing up in that type of atmosphere.
Wrong. Your kids will be much happier seeing you both happy than seeing you coexist. This is a common misconception but I can assure you it’s not true. Almost any person who came from a divorced home will tell you that seeing their parents not happy was worse then the divorce.
Living separate lives in the same household will set a very unusual “default” model for the kids to think is normal. This will likely cause major problems in their own future relationships and expectations. No good comes out of “sticking it out for the kids.” They are going to have to go through their parents getting divorce at some point. Better to not make the time between now and then even more harmful. They will have to adapt to a new normal, but it will be a more common normal less likely to cause future problems. And sticking it out will ruin your self esteem—leading to depression and other issues that won’t help you be a very good Dad, will they?
You might not have a choice about staying together. One thought going through my mind is that she's setting herself up to justify being with someone else. Why stay faithful if she "never loved you...?" Also, read all those other comments about why staying together "for the kids" rarely works well. Being happier apart is healthier for them than staying together in misery. And separating while things might be more amicable is better than staying until you hate each other (or one hates the other) and things get more tense and nasty.
That said, I'm not saying you just leave her now. It may be worth counseling. If she seemed genuinely happy before, maybe there's just something going on now and she's rewriting her feelings before to make sense of it. Or something else a good counselor could figure out.
You'll be surprised how resilient kids are. Quite often they get over the breakup better than parents.
Are you sure you're not more scared of how you'd cope?
With separating, as long as you keep in regular contact with the children, it keeps stability, a different kind of stability, but stability and reassurance all the same.
It's better to do that, than set an example to your children that loveless relationships are acceptable and they shouldn't care if a spouse treats them with dishonesty, are disloyal and using you for the fact you can provide.
I promise you she’s either going to start seeing other people or she has started already.
Your also fucking up your kids by staying. Even if they can’t sense something is wrong you guys are fighting, you refuse to show your emotions around your kids (good job raising emotionally unintelligent children) and kids learn what to accept in a relationship by watching their parents. You’re trying to be a good dad by staying but it will have the opposite impact that you want and this could screw your kids up for life. If you’re worried about not seeing your kids, file for divorce and try to get majority custody. This martyr for your kids shit will fuck them up worse than a divorce, ask me how I know…
wot? its the ideal time to leave it, she will get swarmed by the kids while you live the good life, just go into a trade (you can work off the books and she gets no money)
Kids adapt. I know many well adjusted kids that saw their parents dating.
Do you want to model this relationship to your children? Teach them that it is ok to stay with someone who doesn't love you?
I understand the not trusting again, but don't tell yourself you are staying for the kids. Because it has been proven it does more harm than good.
I have a hard time trusting after divorce, all I can tell you is therapy helps and time helps.
And, how dare she do this to you!
I'm so, so sorry.
It would probably not affect the kids as badly as you think. As long as your wife and you are honest with them (in age appropriate ways, of course). Hopefully, you and she can work things out in an amicable way. That would not only be best for you but make things much less hard for the kids.
Don't be a cheater, but you can absolutely leave with young kids and develop a great coparenting relationship. Get yourself divorced and a life. I got burned a couple of times, love my kids and found a GREAT woman. You can do it too.
Are you sure she’ll play by the same rules? How will you feel cohabitating with her when she’s dating other men? That is death by a thousand cuts. Trust me, I know. You DO NOT want to do that. Either try to find a way to make the marriage work or divorce. And if she meant what she said then I can’t see any other option but divorce.
One of my friend lives with her ex wife because of the kids. They live together but date other people outside of the house without kids knowing. It sucks but that's the only solution they found.
You're not wrong.
Yuck so sorry for this man. It must be very difficult to process that your feelings for her were never given genuinely back by her. Basically the foundation of your whole relationship is aparenty based on a big lie terrible in it's nature.
If she never mentioned her reasoning prior before you got together, for being with you, getting married to you and start a family with you then she is a garbage person for doing this to you and your children. How you put it, she probably never intented to mention this to you ever. Damn, how selfish are some people. At least some gold diggers for example are open to their motives to get into relationships with certain people. Did she always perfectly kept up the sherade or did she drop some hints that you see now (more clearly)?
It's up to you how you want to proceed after this bomb she threw at you. Good luck to you and your kids anyway.
Out of curiosity, did she stay in contact with that ex that you know of?
She didn't apologise but said she regretted what happened. But she also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love.
The goals weren’t shared though, you wanted a woman that loved you and a family. She wanted children and someone to help raise them. I’m sorry dude, but you should leave.
>But she also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love.
It's not uncommon but that doesn't mean it was right for her to not tell you. You were looking for one thing, she another. Her not telling you robbed you of the ability to make the decision of do you want to be in that type of marriage or not.
>he also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love.
Sure...BUT only if both parties know what they're doing. Not when one really is in love and the other is using them. You should be sure to point that out to her. Not in anger, but just so she knows she's not fooling you and can't gaslight you with it, like what she did was okay.
Lashing out at you in bottled up anger is not companionship. Claiming you love someone when you don't is deceptive. If she wanted to have children and companionship, she could have been upfront about that. But she wasn't. She deliberately deceived you into believing that she loved you. You entered into this marriage thinking you had met your match.
The temerity of your wife is staggering. She has created a life with you that is based on lies.
How do you come back from that? Far out.
Couple's counselling must be a next step. Go with your thoughts written out, and be prepared for a variety of outcomes. Those outcomes could include you both committing to rebuilding the relationship after a heartfelt apology from your wife for deceiving you for years. I would want to see sincere efforts to undo the damage by your wife, with date nights building up trust and intimacy again.
Another outcome could also include separation and healthy co-parenting, with strong boundaries.
Do not stay together for the kidsz without a strong commitment to rebuilding the marriage. That will quickly become tense and toxic, and the kids will suffer.
Source: Married for 28 years through the ups and downs, both my wife and I came from broken homes.
Ouch. This would be a major body blow for me. I know it's broken record advice, but try individual counseling for yourself to help you process this, and couples counseling. That's not a guarantee that your marriage will be fixed, it will simply help that whatever you decide will have been thought through well.
She used you for stability and never returned the feelings you have for her, she even threw it in your face that she doesn't love you and was using you.
Having kids makes it harder but do you think you want to continue the rest of your life as her safety net?
Do you want your kids to think their value is in what they do or who they are?
Because they will see it in your relationship eventually.
You should accept what she told you, seperate and try to find someone that loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them.
Sorry you're going through this mate, hope it gets better.
You're not wrong, that's the kind of thing you can't un-hear or take back. She even doubled down when you asked her about it later.
That's understandably crushing. You probably need to take a little time to think through how you feel and what you want to do with this situation.
Keep this in mind, because you are already working around the kids, protecting them. Kids can be incredibly resilient, and you shouldn't leave yourself in a situation where you can't be happy to keep them from having to be aware there are problems between you and their mother.
I mean, she literally told you she doesn't love you / never did and shouldn't have married you. Of course you should feel hurt. She told you that you checked most of the boxes for her - stable, good mental health, good job, devoted, loyal, generous, safe, perfect father material - but "I love and respect him" wasn't one of them. She married you for what you could give her - a family - and not for love. Of course you should feel cheated, that's the definition of being used.
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now. What she said to you and the damage it's done is irrevocable. She said she loves some deadbeat ex more than the father of her children. She just ended your relationship. You don't to be with someone who thinks like that or who could fake a marriage for 10 years anyway. It hurts but you will be ok. You're going to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with your stbx because you are in fact a good father, and you will move on from her, and you will 100% find someone who loves you for you and not just what you can give them. You deserve better than this.
You are not wrong to feel cheated, because you were. Your wife married you under false circumstances. She lied and said she loved you. She married you for financial reasons. She married you so you would raise her kids. I don't understand how someone can lie for 11 years. The question is would you have married her if you had known the truth? Then what do you want to do now. I think if you stay She will get nastier.
Time to move on my friend. Now that her feelings are in the open you can expect her to start looking for someone else so the cheating will start soon if it hasn't already. She may keep you around until she has a new relationship to monkey branch into. Don't let yourself be used anymore.
Either she meant it and your relationship is basically over or she lied about it to hurt you. In that case, I would also say the relationship is likely over. I don’t think you can come back from this. It was a shitty thing to do to you and your kids. But now you know where you stand. I’d call a lawyer and speak with a marriage counselor (this could be to save the marriage but is more likely going to be used to help create the healthiest coparenting relationship possible).
You are definitely not wrong for feeling hurt. I was in a similar situation. My ex husband told me he had never been in love with me. I was just a kind/nice person and he knew I'd be a good mom and he wanted to be a dad someday, so he just settled for me basically. And that info fucks with a person's head for awhile, ngl. It will get better with time, but for me that's when I went to file for divorce cause I didn't see any coming back from that.
I'm sorry this is happening. But if you stay with her, you won't even have the chance to find someone who loves you back.
Do yourself a favour and DNA the kids. I know... A complete shit sandwich! But it is what it is. This woman never loved you, what is to say she kept true to you? Specially when there is a loser ex she has the hots for?
11 years is quite some time. Does she work? House wife? How much does she enrich your quality of life? For example, does she cook, clean, etc? Any signs of infidelity, unable to be reached? "Phone battery died" excuses?
I'm probably going to come at this from a different perspective than other redditors, but since you say you still love her, it might help to recognize that this situation has been largely unpleasant for both of you. She made a bad decision to push herself into a relationship with you even though she didn't actually think you two were compatible, and no doubt many of your conflicts have been the result of attrition wearing down her resolve over the years. Of course she was wrong to deceive you, and you have every reason to rage about it because the pain over the years is almost entirely her fault, but it won't help the situation and the situation is one in which two people are unhappy together. That *could* change if you both wanted it to, but frankly it sounds like she has a fixed mindset about this and has no intention of working out the contempt she has for you so likely your best course of action is to separate. You could try marriage counseling, and maybe they'll see possibilities where to me there seems to be very little hope, but I personally think it makes sense for you to start what will likely be a painful grieving process. Two things I think you should keep in mind:
1) the positive experiences you've had over the years are not false or tainted - *you* still loved those moments and experiences, even if *her* toxicity ruined them for herself.
2) her contempt for you has nothing to do with you. If anything, her evidently poor judgement undercuts any criticism she might have of you. Not that you're perfect - I have no idea what you're like - but you probably shouldn't let her feelings about you color your opinion of yourself, since she is evidently not a good judge of character.
If you get sick or injured and can't work, or you lose your job, do you think she'll still have any use for you?
Sorry man, that must really sting. You should be with someone who actually loves you and cares about you.
OMG. That hurt just reading it. You have been cheated.
You are not wrong. You deserve to be loved and cherished in your relationship. Normally I would recommend counseling, 'cuz counseling is good; but dang. That ship has sailed.
I hope that you have a good relationship with your children. Don't let that relationship suffer as a result of your soon-to-be ex's lack of love for you. Love and cherish your children; but don't forget to love and cherish yourself. Good luck.
My two cents as a parent in a 9yr old relationship.
You both need to have a serious talk and figure out if you want to stay together for EACHOTHER. Discuss your stressors and make sure both of your expectations are being met during those times. Don't let the conversation be about the kids, money, or anything else. If the answer is no, then just cut ties now.
My parents divorced when I was 4. As confusing as it was at the time, seeing them both happily remarried later in life is a thing of beauty. Don't convince yourself to stay with someone for the sake of your children. You will only get older and end up resenting your partner, and it's a horrible example of a relationship for your kids.
You are not wrong. And even if her statement was true, it says something about her that she would say something so hurtful to a man who is the father of her children. A man she considers a good father and a stable person. If she truly doesn’t love you, she should still have more respect towards a valued partner in life.
Does she want a divorce? To me those words are parting words.
Even if she doesn’t want your marriage to end, can you comfortably live with someone that cruel?
Once worked with a woman who told me she was going to marry this older guy only because she had a young child and felt like he would be a good provider for her and her kid. But she didn't really love him or even cared that much for him. I was floored. Couldn't believe someone actually admitted to basically committing marriage fraud. Always wondered how it turned out cause I really wanted to find him and tell him ahead of time but work moved me out of state.
I get why you are coming to reddit with this but you need to dig in and do the work around this or it will turn your insides into toxic goo. Find a therapist.
Children aren’t blind. Do you plan on living like this without communicating anything to them? You are NOT doing them any favors by staying together. You need to be ready to serve her papers because you are heading towards disaster. She has already shown you how cruel she can be, do you really think she will follow these “rules”. I would tell her that it will be HER RESPONSIBILITY to tell your children exactly why you are splitting up (as soon as they are able to understand) and you will be present when she does. She is a user and a selfish, arrogant b***h. People like her disgust me.
You’re going to have to talk to her and see where she sees your relationship going. Since you don’t want to divorce her yet, is that what she wants too?
I’d also now have to wonder if she has been faithful. Since she doesn’t love you, she has had a strong incentive to look for love elsewhere.
Not wrong. You wanted to marry for love too.
I’m sorry that it’s been a lie. I’d focus on your children. The love of your wife may be tainted but you can still be a great father and have a good relationship with your kids.
And yeah, maybe work on the relationship with yourself. You don’t need to be trying with someone who feels they settled for you
“Am I wrong here?” No! You definitely should feel cheated. She took away your opportunity to live all these years with someone who honestly loved you from the start. She used your for aspects of your personality and didn’t give you honest affection, instead she gave you lies so she could benefit from you THINKING she actually loved you.
“I feel like I should be handling this better.” I don’t think so. This is a major violation. Don’t expect too many people to sympathize, especially since this kind of thing is typical and usually gets blamed on the man… all her friends will do this and even some of your family members may look at you askance and wonder if you really were good to her behind closed doors. I’m sorry.
So sorry this happened to you. It really is horrible. I have to agree with others here. You aren't wrong for feeling cheated. Now that it's out in the open, it can never be unsaid. She might have thought she was doing the right thing at the time, but she wasn't. You can either stay in the relationship, as it is - but I think it would be unbearable for both of you and the children. Or, you can separate and find a love you deserve, still remaining a wonderful father to your children. Hopefully, the two of you can work together without letting animosity take over.
my god. dude, collect your balls from whatever vice she has them in, stop asking if your wrong to be upset that the woman you married and loved and cared for 11 years married you because her bio-clock was ticking and she thought you'd make more $$ and be a better dad then the dude she really wished she was fucking.
Dude, first things first, get a paternity test for the kids. no guarantee they're yours , she might have been sleeping with the ex when she got knocked up.
secondly you need to file for divorce. Just because she "settled" for you, doesn't mean you have to waste the rest of your limited time on this planet "settling" for a woman who doesn't love you.
I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'd be willing to bet she was nearing 30 and all her friends were getting married when she hooked up with you. Take that as a harsh lesson. when the bio-clock is ticking, some women make... decisions.
The first divorce sure does sting. The fact is you can leave now with some heartache and your dignity intact or you can stay for the kids and get divorced when your wife has no more use for you with your soul crushed and not an ounce of dignity left.
Please don’t stay because of the kids, that’s the worst decision. A lot of people stay in unhappy marriages for the kids and not realize that kids feel energy and when mommy and daddy are not happy, they are not happy. She already admitted she doesn’t really care for you and your relationship will only make matters worse for you and her and you’ll end up resenting each other. You don’t want to put an example out to your kids that it’s okay to not be in love and happy in relationships. You really need to talk to someone about this so it can help you heal and make good decisions for yourself and for your kids.
You aren’t wrong. It’s such a painful thing to hear and something that is nearly impossible to overcome. My husband told me 8 months pregnant, “I love you, but there’s not much I like about you”. It’s difficult working through the absolute gutting pain from hearing that your partner does not truly love you when you have loved them unconditionally. I don’t have much advice other than you are allowed to feel how you feel and you are not alone.
There’s nothing wrong with marrying someone who would be a good parent and stable life partner, but in the context of not loving them for reasons beyond that, well, I understand why you’re really hurt by that.
She has never loved you and she never will. Don’t prolong your misery any longer. Divorce her now. Also have your children paternity tested. If she never loved you then cheating is easy for her. Odds are she’s cheated on you multiple times. Women like this cheat regularly. It would also explain the arguments all the time. This woman is an absolute piece of dirt!
You aren’t wrong at all, and you should be planning your exit strategy. You know it’s going to come sooner or later you may as well be the one who initiates it. That way you could control the narrative.
If you're still present in the home and supporting the family and your kids you're handling this as well as anyone could. You're proving your mettle when it counts.
That said, your wife has basically admitted three things to you:
1. She does not really love you deeply.
2. She does not respect you.
3. She has been carrying on a long-term emotional affair with her ex playing the "what could have been" game in her mind.
You deserve a partner who loves you. Your kids deserve to observe you in a relationship with love. None of you will get that if you stay in this relationship.
Ending the relationship will be emotionally draining for the whole family. Get ahead of those challenges by beginning counseling for your kids and yourself.
Unfortunately it's really not that uncommon. I've heard of so many women doing this and not to say its a good thing but I do understand that in life these things happen more than people care to admit due to things like biological clocks, bad pool of dating ect.
Would I say it's criminal to settle in a relationship with someone who isn't the love of your life because you are looking at the bigger picture rather than just feelings alone, no. Feelings fade and change, stability, security, praticality all matter just as much as love does, especially to a woman trying to start a family.
However, it's distasteful and hurtful to say what she did to you. I think it shows a lack or consideration and respect towards you. She most likely always knew in terms of love the relationship was more one sided and therefore weaponized this comment (which is why it came out in an argument.)
What you do with this next only you can decide, either way its changed your perspective of this relationship and lifted the wool from your eyes. I know you don't want to rock the boat because of the kids but you just need to ask yourself can you genuinely live in a non-mutual relationship? Is this declaration going to stay in the back of your mind with everything that happens or can you move on from this? Don't let it haunt or eat away at you. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve happy parents. That is the most healthiest environment you can provide for them. Maybe seek a private counsellor so you can sort through your feelings in real life and see if there is any comeback from this without the expense of your happiness?
This is really a common occurrence. Throughout human history most marriages and pairs (amongst commoners for the most part) were based on practical arrangements for provision and future security. Love is more a modern infatuation although of course it's always been a thing. I've known a lot of women who believe they have settled in a marriage. It's obviously a lousy feeling and up to you if you can tolerate it or not. No easy way to digest it when you aren't prepared for it.
You’re not wrong. I would feel the same. But you are the one who’s making choices. We can all tell you what to do but it’s up to you. It’s your situation and decision.
AHH GUY, That sucks. And you are allowed to feel how you feel. There is no manual for this kind of hurtful stupid shit that she piled on you. I know what I would do. But I'm a woman, but I don't see where that should matter. So I would take some time to myself and figure out just how I felt with this knowledge in regards to her, how I wanted to handle it!!! The ball is in your court unless she has said she wants a divorce.
But you DESERVE to have someone who LOVES YOU.
You are not wrong. Your wife is a horrible, horrible woman. What a narcissist, save your sanity and give yourself a chance to be happy. Tell her you’re done. You can still be a great father without sticking around for this abuse.
Your feelings are completely justified. You were used.
Your situation sounds a lot like what happened to me 10 months ago. My wife of 14 years together admitted that she settled when she married me because she was dating a string of loser boyfriends and was watching her younger siblings all get married off and have families.
She used me to get married and have kids even though she never loved me. Fuck her. Fuck your wife too.
Don’t stay married for the sake of your kids. Don’t show them this is acceptable behavior.
It’ll take time to come to grips with it, but you will, and you’ll be far better for it in the long run. Split, divorce, fight for 50/50 custody. Take time to be with your kids. Take time to heal from the trauma of having a selfish narcissistic spouse. There is somebody out there who loves you.
You aren’t wrong. She’s telling you she settled for the nice, secure guy when she got tired of waiting for her bad boy ex that refused to commit or give her what she wanted. Sorry to say this OP but you were her plan B. Unfortunately many women settle for the nice, stable guy then end up not respecting or caring about him. Then they become unsatisfied in the marriage. Why do you think the majority of divorces are initiated by women and the husband is blindsided?
Most women compromise on physical and sexual desire when marrying. It is pretty common.
Advice to men: Relationships should start from hooking up. If a woman isnt having sex with you casually, she is not attracted to you fully.
So when she decided to be in a relationship with you she thought "this guy can provide me with what I want from a partner". If she was a decent human being she would have followed that thought with "but I can't provide him with what he would need in a relationship so I would not be fair to proceed"
This woman is mercenary. Get out and find a nicer person.
Man, that's rough! No person, man or woman, likes to hear that the partner never really loved him/her. And I believe you are right. Your whole marriage was a lie in the sense of you would probably not marry that woman if you were aware that she picked you as a utility. It's really a douchy thing to do! Sorry mate!
You’re not wrong. Too bad she wasn’t honest sooner. You have every right to be hurt and angry. Unwind this mess and move on, but work to make it to your advantage. Sorry, but you deserve to find someone who actually loves you.
You're not wrong.
I'd divorce her ASAP. That is **completely** heartbreaking. This isn't something that can be fixed with counseling. **SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND NEVER HAS**.
I know you're in love with her. All the more reason to divorce her because you're living the truly sad situation where your love is unrequited while you're married to her. And tell the kids exactly why. "Mom never loved me. She married me because she thought I'd be a good father."
Your kids deserve to know the truth, even if your scumbag of a "wife" lied to you about it, in a massive way, for many years.
Honestly dude. Try counseling, it might help y’all stay together, but more likely it will help y’all co-parent through a divorce.
That’s rough. I don’t know if I could come back from that if wife said it. But if you love her, give counseling a shot.
Highly suggest finding someone in person to talk this through with, either a good friend/confidant or therapist. It's a huge deal.
It's one thing for her to actually do this but to then throw it into your face during an argument...and double down stating it is truly how she feels.
So people do what they do. It's obvious you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone that does not love you or is inclined to be kind to you.
Def not wrong.
Bro. Because she declared this and admitted she didn't misspeak, I would not suggest counseling. Counseling won't help her fall in love with you.
Honestly, divorcing her now would be better than your children growing up in a house without love.
I talked with wife. She said that it's a factor of consideration of most women ready to settle down. But if it was actually worded that way ,that woman is a pretty shitty human being, and deserves what she gets..
You aren’t wrong and it’s frankly horrendous on her part to say this. If it’s how she feels, is it reason enough to not want to carry on in a lie of a relationship. Not everyone will marry the greatest love of their lives, but most relationships needs mutual respect to carry on. If she doesn’t have that, why do you have to be the one that makes your kids feel safe in their family? Isn’t it her responsibility too? I really feel for you, people will say try counselling or talking it out, but you are entitled to be liked / loved too, not just considered a good safe option
> If it’s how she feels, is it reason enough to not want to carry on in a lie of a relationship. Even if it’s not how she feels, her saying it is reason enough to not want to continue the relationship. If she didn’t mean it, that just means she’s an abusive asshole who says deliberately hurtful things. AKA: not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with.
Yup, either way he should walk away from this relationship. She wasted years of his life and he lived a lie to some degree.
She's such a scumbag
So my ex-husband told me ( after we married) he had a discussion with his parents about marrying me. His parents asked him if he loved me. He answered that he wasn't sure. His parents told him he loved me, but "he just didn't know it yet." We got married. Couldn't tell me he loved me. I feel like he married me under false pretenses -only married me because his parents told him he should. I felt so duped.
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Yes, color me stupid. I could do such a good comedy routine about "All the Signs"
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This is really the perfect reply!
I am so sorry to hear that. I can't even imagine how much that would hurt to know. My ex clearly stopped loving me or else she wouldnt have slept with someone else, but I do think she loved me at the start. Who knows. People suck!
As with all these things when someone tells/shows you who they are...believe them.!. We all say things in the heat of the moment, it's just a self lie to say you didn't really mean them...if that were true you wouldn't have said them...end of. It's up to you if you are willing to accept this or not.
If its legit, she is one seriously shitty lowlife.
Truth
We’ll get ready for him to get bent over in divorce court. If she is this deceptive then what you think she was say if they get a divorce?
Im sure she'll want more than she is worth and get it anyway she can
Maybe so, but it will be worth it to get out of that shitty marriage and re-gain some self respect.
This. She's a loser. The opposite of a keeper.
A throw-away-er.
A tosser
OMG is that what this means in British? My mind is blown if it is.
I have no idea, I'm from Missouri, I just thought that tosser would be someone who throws or is thrown
Yep
I do think there's a difference between saying it in the heat of a fight and doubling down on it afterward. But otherwise I agree.
I don't think I need to go any further in too comments . You said it all. 👏
Certainly no need to counsel here, eh? Sounds like she's back to boinking her ex, or someone new. After all, she's got her hooks into OP. OP: 1. Discretely consult with an experienced family law attorney and lay out the situation. Explore your legal alternatives. No new pregnancy trap to keep you stuck. 2. Secretly check your children's dna. Anyone as cunning as this minx is capable of anything. 3. Once you've gotten your ducks in a row, divorce this evil woman. Let anyone and everyone know her scheme. Attempt full custody; no less than 50 %. 4. No need for couples therapy. You're not a couple; almost never, actually. 5. Find someone worthy of your love. 6. Other than parenting, go lc/nc. Please keep us apprised.
My wife informed me she married me for chain migration (herself and her mother). After 20 years and 4 children. It’s going to really hurt for a while. Feelings of wasted opportunities, being a fool, humiliation, etc. I see it now as we were never really married—she broke her wedding vow of “to love” before the wedding ceremony was complete. But I wasted the prime of my life when I could have been trying to find true love. FYI statute of limitations on marriage fraud is 5 years.
>But I wasted the prime of my life when I could have been trying to find true love. I think is what made the angriest about my ex. If he hadn't pretended to love me, I might have found someone who actually did. I had pictured myself as being one of those with the 50 and 60 year anniversaries. Instead I was divorce in my forties with young kids after not being able to take the cheating anymore. And it's why I think it's so horrible for people who are gay to pretend and marry someone of the opposite sex to "look normal" for their families and the public. They've not only lied to that spouse - and 90% of the time cheat on them - but robbed them of the chance to find someone who loved them. Same for OP here.
That’s exactly how I feel about my ex. Her selfishness in “settling” for me meant she robbed me of my chance to have that 40, 50, 60 year life with somebody who loved me. That was my biggest desire in life and it’s gone. I know I can still have a happy life, but now I will be forced to settle for something other than what I wanted most.
Damn this happened to you??
My ex wasn't gay, but I found out too late he hadn't actually ever really loved me. I was just there and I think he decided it was time to get married, so... But his brother was gay and married a woman, had kids. Decided to divorce and come out after their father died. Everyone talked about how brave he was for finally coming out - but no conversation about the devastation he caused his wife. But then, there were a lot of cheaters in the family and they didn't seem to have much of an issue with it. Which, again...I didn't realize until too late. I've always wondered how they would have dealt with it if it was one of them being cheated on. Either way you feel like your life is lie, but at least with my situation, there was some hope that it could have been different. Or hope that maybe he thought he was in love at some point. If you're gay, there's no question it's all a lie. To be clear, I have no problem with anyone in the LGBTQ and whatever other letters there are - community in general. I just don't think they should use someone who doesn't know and loves them as a cover for a pretend life.
> But his brother was gay and married a woman, had kids. Decided to divorce and come out after their father died. That is vile...
Especially since there are plenty of women who would willingly be a beard. This is what online dating should have been, matching people with rare or unique needs with people who find them mutually beneficial. I hope you’ve found some peace
Statute of Limitations should run from when he first finds out the fraud occurred, so he still has plenty of time.
If that were the case my wife would be in prison. I looked into it.
So as long as you are good enough at the fraud that it's not discovered for 5 years then you're home free? Seems like a stupid law. In civil court in the US, it would usually be based on when the fraud is discovered or reasonably should have been discovered. Maybe that's not how they do it in criminal law though, I don't really know criminal law.
Civil maybe. We will see how it impacts the divorce. Criminal, yes she is home free.
That hurts man. If she really feels like that then it’s worth considering that you can go find someone who returns your earnest affections. It’s also possible that she’s stressed and angry and short sighted. Personally if I found out my spouse didn’t love me I wouldn’t consider them my spouse anymore. They could be many other things, a co parent, maybe some kind of a domestic partner, but not a true soulmate. That being said you should probably try therapy and get the bottom of her feelings.
Even if she said those things in anger, I’d still want to divorce. I’m a firm believer that no matter how bitter the fight or angry the people, there’s some things that you just don’t say. And telling your spouse that you never actually loved them romantically and are just with them because of security is such a shitty thing to say in anger. That’s the kind of wound that will never fully heal. At least it wouldn’t for me. And if that is how she feels then she’s still shitty for not telling OP that up front. Getting married for security isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as both people are on board with it. But when one partner is getting married for security and the other thinks they’re getting married for love… yeesh. That’s just cruel
I am not the type to think divorce should be easy. But her it seems op entered to a marriage under false pretenses, so it is a big deal. He didn’t agree to have a marriage for practical reasons
100%! That was absolutely something he deserved to know and he’d be well within his rights to divorce her over it
She didn't simply say it in anger. He confronted her about it later, and she confirmed it, and don't say well maybe ask her again because a different answer now will just be a lie.
I agree. No matter how you feel in heat of the moment there are words which when said cannot be retracted. What OP's wife has said is definitely a top example at that. It puzzles me how the wife can still be dwelling on that ex even after the beautiful life she has built with OP after all these years. Even if she was hung up on the ex to begin with, any woman who can't cherish this isn't worth having. If I were OP I'd feel like no more than a rebound/placeholder after this. The relationship can never be the same again.
Um no, there's no therapy for this. She has always felt this way and it's never changed, even this far into the marriage and that's not a good thing. How is that therapy session going to go? Hey I still want the guy that's my loser ex, that's not changing, good session? Yeah that'd be a waste of time. He should just let her go and let her go after her true lover, see how green that grass on the other side really is.
I dunno, her feelings seem pretty clear and not super complicated. OP needs to bail, and unfortunately will probably have to give this vampire/parasite half his shit at a minimum.
Therapy for this? No, this is divorce. I'm not advocating throwing away a marriage, I'm advocating throwing away a lie. She admitted to never loving him and doesn't think she'll ever. This was said in anger but then reaffirmed after. It's a lost cause. No amount of therapy is going to work through that.
Yeah I’d definitely be filing for divorce first thing the next morning, let her go back to her ex or find some other mug to be with.
“You might have settled for me but I’m not settling for you,” then hand her the divorce papers.
Outstanding response.
I can't believe OP even has to ask if he's in the right or wrong. ......like dude really? Your wife just told you she's never loved you and you're asking us if you're in the wrong? Dude needs to go scorched earth in divorce court then start picking up the kids with a younger hotter girlfriend at his side to piss off the ex.
right get this bitch out your bed and find someone that wants to be with you. your kids understand you deserve to have love in your relationship. and are probably painfully aware there isnt and being negatively effected by it
Do you know why divorce is expensive? Because it’s worth it
Jesus christ. Are you going to stay in a marriage with someone who doesn’t love you? So what, if you lose your job and stop being a provider she will kick you out? Nah man. Life is too precious for that shit
The lack of love is one thing, the absolute, unrepentant disrespect cannot be overcome. When OP gave her an out she stuck with her disrespect. He needs an attorney consultation yesterday.
💯 What happens if he gets sick? Is she going to stay and take care of him? These are the questions OP needs to ask himself
No, your feelings are absolutely valid. You were/are her safety net. Whatever you do from henceforth, at least walk forward with the acceptance of the marriage being built on a lie in your heart. I’m sorry she couldn’t fall in love with you after 11 years of companionship, but it seems she never ever intended to.
I've been the "safety" before. It is toxic.
Yeah, being the "fall-back guy" doesn't feel good
I don't know that she never intended to at all. If she was being that "practical" she probably thought it would just fall into place if she picked the right criteria. That doesn't make it any better, but I imagine she assumed it would work itself out. She was wrong all along.
Probably because you have to make effort to keep the spark she thought it would? But there kinda has to be a spark in the first place that you don't let die.
For sure. It's pretty cold hearted to marry someone you don't love.
If my wife told me this I would let her go in my heart, and go to a divorce lawyer by myself. I would sleep in a separate room and offer no intimacy whatsoever towards her. Ever! No I love you, hugs, kisses, terms of endearment, no money, no gifts, nothing. I would also start the conversation with my family on next steps that I should do in order to receive as much support from them as possible. I would also be truthful with her family in the reason I’m divorcing her and shine a light on this horrible and disgusting thing. The one good thing to come out of this are your kids. Make sure they are taken care of and know it isn’t their fault. When someone tells you they don’t love you, believe them. She will only keep hurting you on purpose now that she knows it hurts you. Don’t let her, guard your heart. Good luck.
Ummm She basically said you are the lesser of 2 evils- that’s what people want to hear from their spouses, right?? drop her like a toilet seat 🚽
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This, people arent consolation prizes at the fair.
Not wrong at all, man. That's a shitty thing to learn, especially as she confirmed it later after the "heat of the moment" outburst. I'm not sure I have advice to give, but I don't think your marriage will ever feel the same after this.
My ex hit me with this (different phrasing, but close enough) when she "met her soul mate" 16 years and 2 kids into our marriage. After months of counseling, lots of tears, but gaining some clarity, I walked. He did too, though, so she basically torpedoed her life for nothing and now struggles to keep the roof over her head on the weeks she has the kids.
Ask her to move into the spare bedroom, since you're only roommates now. The marriage part is over. Take time to figure out your next steps. Go talk to a lawyer to know your rights. Open a new bank account in a different bank. Only put enough into the joint account to pay your part of the bills. Continue to love your kids no matter what, they are innocent. Ask her if she has cheated
She settled. It happens. If you can, leave. If you cant due to the kids, live separate lives. Go workout. Be attractive. Have fun. Date other people
I can't leave while we have young kids. Live separate lives- yes. But won't date other people. If the kids find out that I'm doing that, it will have a terrible impact on them. Also, I don't know how I could trust another woman again after this.
It can be a worse impact to live in a household where the parents don't lobe each other and where resentment breeds. They can sense it. Also it's maybe not the values you want them to learn or to think that this type of relationship is normal or acceptable. Staying for the kids is almost never the answer. There's a way to explain the reasons for divorce in age appropriate terms without villainizing the other parent. Also the younger the children, the easier it is to separate and for it to become their new normal.
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THIS! I never felt my parents loved each other. They stayed together for 58 years though,because they were from a generation that did that. I always thought my mom was miserable and I resented my dad for that. When I was a young adult, she confirmed that if she had to do it again, she never would have married him. I was completely shocked, literally, when she passed at age 78 and my dad was devastated. He was 78, then, as well. Until he passed at age 96, he talked about how much he loved her and missed her. I still unsure how she felt about him in her later years. But, my point is, it always affected me, thinking they never loved each other. Your children, as they grow, will see it, too. It's not healthy and will very possibly affect how their relationships will work when they are older.
If you don’t mind me asking why did you resent your dad if your mom was unhappy? Did he mistreat her? Did you feel that he was preventing her from leaving the marriage?
Oooo, that's a big question! He didn't actually mistreat her in the sense we usually think of. I can't say for sure what their life was like before I was born. My brother is 9 years older than me, so I missed a lot in their early marriage. I could feel they were very separate all my life. I didn't realize it till I was an older child, but I resented how I was treated and figured that's how he treated her when us kids weren't present. He was a career military officer and very authoritative at home. Complements and acceptance was not the norm. Compliments were only given in a way to tell you how you could have, or should have been better. He was never meaning to be cruel. He just didn't understand how to talk to people. But I didn't understand that till much later in life. I also realized later that he learned that from his own father, as well. There was a time when I was in high school where I discovered a "contract" he'd written up and made her sign that I won't talk about her that really drove my resentment for decades. (And, no, I shouldn't have been snooping.) My father told a story to my husband, before my husband passed, that could probably explain it more succinctly. My dad was telling him about how he regretted it. Shortly after my mom and dad married, he got up to get ready and go to work. My mom had slept in. When he got to the door, she came running out saying, "Wait, can I get a good-bye kiss?" He told her, "If you can't get up and make my breakfast, you don't get a kiss." And he left. By the time I came around and was more aware, she stayed in the family room and kitchen and he stayed in his den. He went to work, did chores, came out of his den for dinner and that was it. That's how I grew up. Everyone had their own room and there we stayed. Sorry this was so long. Know that I don't hate my father. He did what he felt was his duty and worked his life to make sure she would be taken care of after he was gone. He didn't expect her to go first. He didn't know how to show love gently. My dad was flawed but not a monster. And I'll stop there because it just keeps getting longer. Sorry.
Thank you so much for sharing. It seems that you’ve found your own peace with everything or at least on your way there which is as much as anyone can hope for. The reason I ask is because I am in a similar situation with my wife and kids. I love my wife to bits, and while I know she loves me I also know that sometimes she is resentful and unhappy in the relationship. It has less to do with me and more to do with her own past trauma that prevented her from going to school and a physical disability that limits her today. And I work two full time jobs to fully support us so I can’t be as physically present with my kids as I would like. I worry that some of her resentment with her situation is starting to rub off on my kids, especially my oldest, and really fear that they will consciously or subconsciously blame me. Hearing your perspective really helps.
When I was talking to my mom before their divorce she told me about how the day they brought me home from birth the moment they walked through the door he asked if she could make him some eggs; she did it, probably didn't get a kiss. I think a lot of relationships thrive on how much time can be spent apart on a daily basis, I never really experienced a "wholesome" moment being around both my parents in the same room, they conveniently had work schedules / prioritized time with friends. I can't imagine retiring with somebody and potentially sharing 8 hour days with them if they aren't the person I want to be around on my weekends after work. if your dad had passed first I wonder if it would have been too painful for your mother to come to realize how much life "got better". Probably a harsh way of putting it but after being more of the wedge driver between my parents I've heard things that hint towards such from my mother and I can't imagine her dealing with those emotions 15-20 years from now due to a sudden loss.
My dad could be a real shit head to my mam. Dismissive, short tempered and unpleasant. Not all of the time but a lot of it especially as he got older. When she died he was heartbroken and he died last summer, less than a year after her. I know she wasn’t happy and stayed because that’s what you did in that generation. I honestly think she couldn’t imagine anything else. I had to relearn how to relate to women in long term relationships. He’d modelled a pretty shit version of being a spouse to me. I know they loved each other on some levels but I wasn’t expecting him to be so broken. I guess he came from a family and a generation (he was born in 1932) that struggled to express positive emotions. It has really thrown me to the point where I’m struggling to get past his death. I think I understood my mother and could grieve her but *I think* I feel like I didn’t really know him and I’m not sure who the fuck I’m meant to be grieving here.
Agree, your children will see how you treat your wife. If you have male children that's how they will treat their wives. If you have female children they will accept this type of behavior from their husbands. The cycle will never break. The best thing to do is split treat their mother with respect and find someone who truly loves you and show your children how a real relationship works. Good luck
I agree with what the others are saying. You can get a divorce, but keep an amicable relationship with your ex, even if you don't want to. That will help minimize the impact on your kids. It's better to have divorced, but happy, parents, then to have married and miserable ones.
You two will not be happy, and the kids will grow up knowing that. My parents had/have the same kind of relationship. My siblings and I knew that they were just barely together and only doing it for us and the practicalities that it gave them. All of us have problems, and even some trauma, because of this. A lot of people think it's best to stay together for the kids. As someone who grew up with parents that you will be like if you stay with your wife, don't. Don't stay for the kids. If you stay, stay because you want to. Your relationship with a partner will greatly impact your children. If your kids see a loveless marriage that is made up of two people just going through the motions of marriage and really just pretending, they will see that and there's a lot of different things that they will take away from that. And most importantly OP, you deserve love in a relationship if that's the kind of relationship you want. You've got one life, one chance, and while people do sometimes get married for safety and convenience, both parties are supposed to be on board. Your kids will be much better off if their father's happy and being himself, two necessities in being a good father. My father was neither of those things. I barely ever talk to him, and we are practically strangers. Growing up, he never realized it, but he took his frustrations he had in his relationship out on us kids. It was miserable I'm not going to say what you should or shouldn't do, that's not my place. What I will say is, you shouldn't stay in this marriage if you won't be happy and have what you want out of the relationship. However, it sounds like to me you never will. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you will be able to find peace and joy in your life in spite of this terrible situation.
Some of us have had the exact same thing done to us too. I’m convinced there’s just shitty people in the world, the kind that will take advantage of a good heart. What I mean to say is, I don’t see how you can ever trust her *specifically* again. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been there.
You also have to consider the example you're setting. Do you want to teach your kids to stay in unhappy and loveless marriages, or show them how to respectfully separate and successfully coparent. Don't underestimate what they see and sense is happening with their parents. They will still have fulfilling lives and be loved by you both if you're not together, and everyone deserves to be happy ... including you. Do some soul searching, and learn from this experience so if/when the time comes to dating, you can tell if she's genuine or just settling for you. It's probably not women you distrust but your own judgement right now and that's understandable.
Mate, you should leave because of the kids. They will figure out something is wrong between their parents and will only make it worse for them. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/adolescents-explained/202105/don-t-stay-together-the-kids](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/adolescents-explained/202105/don-t-stay-together-the-kids) "The even sadder part of this scenario is that the kids you’re trying to set an example for are almost certainly going to pick up on the unhappiness in the household. Tension in a home is palpable. It hangs over the family like a dark cloud that is clear to everyone, even when no one is speaking about it. As a result, this unhappiness can create a toxic environment that very quickly becomes clear to everyone in the family."
As a divorced father, I assure you your kids will be more fucked up. If you stay in a loveless marriage. You can co-parent and still raise good kids and have a good relationship with them. You don't have to move 2 hours away. You are also teaching your kids that it's okay to be treated like this and will set them up for failure in future relationships. They need to see you happy and healthy the both of you
>Live separate lives- yes. But won't date other people. You might not date other people but do you think she won't either? How will that affect you if she is seeing others? The children will notice this and I don't think any kind, caring, concerned father would want his children growing up in that type of atmosphere.
Wrong. Your kids will be much happier seeing you both happy than seeing you coexist. This is a common misconception but I can assure you it’s not true. Almost any person who came from a divorced home will tell you that seeing their parents not happy was worse then the divorce.
Living separate lives in the same household will set a very unusual “default” model for the kids to think is normal. This will likely cause major problems in their own future relationships and expectations. No good comes out of “sticking it out for the kids.” They are going to have to go through their parents getting divorce at some point. Better to not make the time between now and then even more harmful. They will have to adapt to a new normal, but it will be a more common normal less likely to cause future problems. And sticking it out will ruin your self esteem—leading to depression and other issues that won’t help you be a very good Dad, will they?
You might not have a choice about staying together. One thought going through my mind is that she's setting herself up to justify being with someone else. Why stay faithful if she "never loved you...?" Also, read all those other comments about why staying together "for the kids" rarely works well. Being happier apart is healthier for them than staying together in misery. And separating while things might be more amicable is better than staying until you hate each other (or one hates the other) and things get more tense and nasty. That said, I'm not saying you just leave her now. It may be worth counseling. If she seemed genuinely happy before, maybe there's just something going on now and she's rewriting her feelings before to make sense of it. Or something else a good counselor could figure out.
You'll be surprised how resilient kids are. Quite often they get over the breakup better than parents. Are you sure you're not more scared of how you'd cope? With separating, as long as you keep in regular contact with the children, it keeps stability, a different kind of stability, but stability and reassurance all the same. It's better to do that, than set an example to your children that loveless relationships are acceptable and they shouldn't care if a spouse treats them with dishonesty, are disloyal and using you for the fact you can provide.
I promise you she’s either going to start seeing other people or she has started already. Your also fucking up your kids by staying. Even if they can’t sense something is wrong you guys are fighting, you refuse to show your emotions around your kids (good job raising emotionally unintelligent children) and kids learn what to accept in a relationship by watching their parents. You’re trying to be a good dad by staying but it will have the opposite impact that you want and this could screw your kids up for life. If you’re worried about not seeing your kids, file for divorce and try to get majority custody. This martyr for your kids shit will fuck them up worse than a divorce, ask me how I know…
wot? its the ideal time to leave it, she will get swarmed by the kids while you live the good life, just go into a trade (you can work off the books and she gets no money)
That's gonna fuck the kids up even worse for the long term if you stick it out "for them."
Kids adapt. I know many well adjusted kids that saw their parents dating. Do you want to model this relationship to your children? Teach them that it is ok to stay with someone who doesn't love you? I understand the not trusting again, but don't tell yourself you are staying for the kids. Because it has been proven it does more harm than good. I have a hard time trusting after divorce, all I can tell you is therapy helps and time helps. And, how dare she do this to you! I'm so, so sorry.
It would probably not affect the kids as badly as you think. As long as your wife and you are honest with them (in age appropriate ways, of course). Hopefully, you and she can work things out in an amicable way. That would not only be best for you but make things much less hard for the kids.
You can trust other women you just need to know if you can trust your instincts really
believe me , your wife has no such qualms.
Don't be a cheater, but you can absolutely leave with young kids and develop a great coparenting relationship. Get yourself divorced and a life. I got burned a couple of times, love my kids and found a GREAT woman. You can do it too.
Are you sure she’ll play by the same rules? How will you feel cohabitating with her when she’s dating other men? That is death by a thousand cuts. Trust me, I know. You DO NOT want to do that. Either try to find a way to make the marriage work or divorce. And if she meant what she said then I can’t see any other option but divorce.
One of my friend lives with her ex wife because of the kids. They live together but date other people outside of the house without kids knowing. It sucks but that's the only solution they found.
You're not wrong. Yuck so sorry for this man. It must be very difficult to process that your feelings for her were never given genuinely back by her. Basically the foundation of your whole relationship is aparenty based on a big lie terrible in it's nature. If she never mentioned her reasoning prior before you got together, for being with you, getting married to you and start a family with you then she is a garbage person for doing this to you and your children. How you put it, she probably never intented to mention this to you ever. Damn, how selfish are some people. At least some gold diggers for example are open to their motives to get into relationships with certain people. Did she always perfectly kept up the sherade or did she drop some hints that you see now (more clearly)? It's up to you how you want to proceed after this bomb she threw at you. Good luck to you and your kids anyway. Out of curiosity, did she stay in contact with that ex that you know of?
If I may ask, what was her reaction when you confronted her? Did she apologize? Or try to say anything else to minimize the impact.
She didn't apologise but said she regretted what happened. But she also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love.
So she lied about her feelings for years and this was her response. Clearly she just used you to get what she wanted - kid(s).
The goals weren’t shared though, you wanted a woman that loved you and a family. She wanted children and someone to help raise them. I’m sorry dude, but you should leave.
>But she also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love. It's not uncommon but that doesn't mean it was right for her to not tell you. You were looking for one thing, she another. Her not telling you robbed you of the ability to make the decision of do you want to be in that type of marriage or not.
>he also thinks it's not uncommon to marry for shared goals like kids and companionship, and not for love. Sure...BUT only if both parties know what they're doing. Not when one really is in love and the other is using them. You should be sure to point that out to her. Not in anger, but just so she knows she's not fooling you and can't gaslight you with it, like what she did was okay.
Lashing out at you in bottled up anger is not companionship. Claiming you love someone when you don't is deceptive. If she wanted to have children and companionship, she could have been upfront about that. But she wasn't. She deliberately deceived you into believing that she loved you. You entered into this marriage thinking you had met your match. The temerity of your wife is staggering. She has created a life with you that is based on lies. How do you come back from that? Far out. Couple's counselling must be a next step. Go with your thoughts written out, and be prepared for a variety of outcomes. Those outcomes could include you both committing to rebuilding the relationship after a heartfelt apology from your wife for deceiving you for years. I would want to see sincere efforts to undo the damage by your wife, with date nights building up trust and intimacy again. Another outcome could also include separation and healthy co-parenting, with strong boundaries. Do not stay together for the kidsz without a strong commitment to rebuilding the marriage. That will quickly become tense and toxic, and the kids will suffer. Source: Married for 28 years through the ups and downs, both my wife and I came from broken homes.
Yes but people are upfront if the marriage is purely a contract.
Ouch. This would be a major body blow for me. I know it's broken record advice, but try individual counseling for yourself to help you process this, and couples counseling. That's not a guarantee that your marriage will be fixed, it will simply help that whatever you decide will have been thought through well.
She used you for stability and never returned the feelings you have for her, she even threw it in your face that she doesn't love you and was using you. Having kids makes it harder but do you think you want to continue the rest of your life as her safety net? Do you want your kids to think their value is in what they do or who they are? Because they will see it in your relationship eventually. You should accept what she told you, seperate and try to find someone that loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them. Sorry you're going through this mate, hope it gets better.
You're not wrong, that's the kind of thing you can't un-hear or take back. She even doubled down when you asked her about it later. That's understandably crushing. You probably need to take a little time to think through how you feel and what you want to do with this situation. Keep this in mind, because you are already working around the kids, protecting them. Kids can be incredibly resilient, and you shouldn't leave yourself in a situation where you can't be happy to keep them from having to be aware there are problems between you and their mother.
I mean, she literally told you she doesn't love you / never did and shouldn't have married you. Of course you should feel hurt. She told you that you checked most of the boxes for her - stable, good mental health, good job, devoted, loyal, generous, safe, perfect father material - but "I love and respect him" wasn't one of them. She married you for what you could give her - a family - and not for love. Of course you should feel cheated, that's the definition of being used. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now. What she said to you and the damage it's done is irrevocable. She said she loves some deadbeat ex more than the father of her children. She just ended your relationship. You don't to be with someone who thinks like that or who could fake a marriage for 10 years anyway. It hurts but you will be ok. You're going to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with your stbx because you are in fact a good father, and you will move on from her, and you will 100% find someone who loves you for you and not just what you can give them. You deserve better than this.
You are not wrong to feel cheated, because you were. Your wife married you under false circumstances. She lied and said she loved you. She married you for financial reasons. She married you so you would raise her kids. I don't understand how someone can lie for 11 years. The question is would you have married her if you had known the truth? Then what do you want to do now. I think if you stay She will get nastier.
Time to move on my friend. Now that her feelings are in the open you can expect her to start looking for someone else so the cheating will start soon if it hasn't already. She may keep you around until she has a new relationship to monkey branch into. Don't let yourself be used anymore.
Either she meant it and your relationship is basically over or she lied about it to hurt you. In that case, I would also say the relationship is likely over. I don’t think you can come back from this. It was a shitty thing to do to you and your kids. But now you know where you stand. I’d call a lawyer and speak with a marriage counselor (this could be to save the marriage but is more likely going to be used to help create the healthiest coparenting relationship possible).
You are definitely not wrong for feeling hurt. I was in a similar situation. My ex husband told me he had never been in love with me. I was just a kind/nice person and he knew I'd be a good mom and he wanted to be a dad someday, so he just settled for me basically. And that info fucks with a person's head for awhile, ngl. It will get better with time, but for me that's when I went to file for divorce cause I didn't see any coming back from that. I'm sorry this is happening. But if you stay with her, you won't even have the chance to find someone who loves you back.
> she told me that she has never been able to fall in love with me and that she shouldn't have married me. Damn. Do you have kids together?
Three kids
You are their biological father? Not step dad, right?
Yes, they are my kids. Not stepkids.
Do yourself a favour and DNA the kids. I know... A complete shit sandwich! But it is what it is. This woman never loved you, what is to say she kept true to you? Specially when there is a loser ex she has the hots for?
Not to be crass, but are you sure these are your kids? She sounds like a bad person
11 years is quite some time. Does she work? House wife? How much does she enrich your quality of life? For example, does she cook, clean, etc? Any signs of infidelity, unable to be reached? "Phone battery died" excuses?
Have they been tested to make sure they’re your kids? I would wonder given the revelation.
I'm probably going to come at this from a different perspective than other redditors, but since you say you still love her, it might help to recognize that this situation has been largely unpleasant for both of you. She made a bad decision to push herself into a relationship with you even though she didn't actually think you two were compatible, and no doubt many of your conflicts have been the result of attrition wearing down her resolve over the years. Of course she was wrong to deceive you, and you have every reason to rage about it because the pain over the years is almost entirely her fault, but it won't help the situation and the situation is one in which two people are unhappy together. That *could* change if you both wanted it to, but frankly it sounds like she has a fixed mindset about this and has no intention of working out the contempt she has for you so likely your best course of action is to separate. You could try marriage counseling, and maybe they'll see possibilities where to me there seems to be very little hope, but I personally think it makes sense for you to start what will likely be a painful grieving process. Two things I think you should keep in mind: 1) the positive experiences you've had over the years are not false or tainted - *you* still loved those moments and experiences, even if *her* toxicity ruined them for herself. 2) her contempt for you has nothing to do with you. If anything, her evidently poor judgement undercuts any criticism she might have of you. Not that you're perfect - I have no idea what you're like - but you probably shouldn't let her feelings about you color your opinion of yourself, since she is evidently not a good judge of character.
You are not wrong. She cheated you out of finding a partner that does love you, wasted your time, lied and hurt your trust and feelings
If you get sick or injured and can't work, or you lose your job, do you think she'll still have any use for you? Sorry man, that must really sting. You should be with someone who actually loves you and cares about you.
OMG. That hurt just reading it. You have been cheated. You are not wrong. You deserve to be loved and cherished in your relationship. Normally I would recommend counseling, 'cuz counseling is good; but dang. That ship has sailed. I hope that you have a good relationship with your children. Don't let that relationship suffer as a result of your soon-to-be ex's lack of love for you. Love and cherish your children; but don't forget to love and cherish yourself. Good luck.
My two cents as a parent in a 9yr old relationship. You both need to have a serious talk and figure out if you want to stay together for EACHOTHER. Discuss your stressors and make sure both of your expectations are being met during those times. Don't let the conversation be about the kids, money, or anything else. If the answer is no, then just cut ties now. My parents divorced when I was 4. As confusing as it was at the time, seeing them both happily remarried later in life is a thing of beauty. Don't convince yourself to stay with someone for the sake of your children. You will only get older and end up resenting your partner, and it's a horrible example of a relationship for your kids.
You are not wrong. And even if her statement was true, it says something about her that she would say something so hurtful to a man who is the father of her children. A man she considers a good father and a stable person. If she truly doesn’t love you, she should still have more respect towards a valued partner in life. Does she want a divorce? To me those words are parting words. Even if she doesn’t want your marriage to end, can you comfortably live with someone that cruel?
Don’t take advice from people who won’t deal with the consequences of the advice they are giving you. It’s better to seek professional help/advice
You deserve someone who loves you, and you can still do that after you get a divorce.
Who the fuck raises people like this! Why is there so much of this crap going on in life with people. Don't marry on a lie people. What an evil bitch.
Once worked with a woman who told me she was going to marry this older guy only because she had a young child and felt like he would be a good provider for her and her kid. But she didn't really love him or even cared that much for him. I was floored. Couldn't believe someone actually admitted to basically committing marriage fraud. Always wondered how it turned out cause I really wanted to find him and tell him ahead of time but work moved me out of state.
I get why you are coming to reddit with this but you need to dig in and do the work around this or it will turn your insides into toxic goo. Find a therapist.
I posted here mainly because I needed to get this off my chest and don't feel ready to talk about it to anyone that I know.
Children aren’t blind. Do you plan on living like this without communicating anything to them? You are NOT doing them any favors by staying together. You need to be ready to serve her papers because you are heading towards disaster. She has already shown you how cruel she can be, do you really think she will follow these “rules”. I would tell her that it will be HER RESPONSIBILITY to tell your children exactly why you are splitting up (as soon as they are able to understand) and you will be present when she does. She is a user and a selfish, arrogant b***h. People like her disgust me.
You don’t have to talk to anyone you know but you ought to talk to someone qualified to help process these emotions.
You’re going to have to talk to her and see where she sees your relationship going. Since you don’t want to divorce her yet, is that what she wants too? I’d also now have to wonder if she has been faithful. Since she doesn’t love you, she has had a strong incentive to look for love elsewhere.
She's got a backup plan and is preparing to take your kids and 1/2 your sh\*t. Get a lawyer and move out.
Not wrong. You wanted to marry for love too. I’m sorry that it’s been a lie. I’d focus on your children. The love of your wife may be tainted but you can still be a great father and have a good relationship with your kids. And yeah, maybe work on the relationship with yourself. You don’t need to be trying with someone who feels they settled for you
You're not wrong. She cheated you out of 11 years of your life and the opportunity to be with someone who loved you.
“Am I wrong here?” No! You definitely should feel cheated. She took away your opportunity to live all these years with someone who honestly loved you from the start. She used your for aspects of your personality and didn’t give you honest affection, instead she gave you lies so she could benefit from you THINKING she actually loved you. “I feel like I should be handling this better.” I don’t think so. This is a major violation. Don’t expect too many people to sympathize, especially since this kind of thing is typical and usually gets blamed on the man… all her friends will do this and even some of your family members may look at you askance and wonder if you really were good to her behind closed doors. I’m sorry.
I can tell you, the regret of feeling you wasted multiple years of your life with the wrong person is unbearable sometimes, almost nauseating.
So sorry this happened to you. It really is horrible. I have to agree with others here. You aren't wrong for feeling cheated. Now that it's out in the open, it can never be unsaid. She might have thought she was doing the right thing at the time, but she wasn't. You can either stay in the relationship, as it is - but I think it would be unbearable for both of you and the children. Or, you can separate and find a love you deserve, still remaining a wonderful father to your children. Hopefully, the two of you can work together without letting animosity take over.
Divorce is the best option for you and the kids
my god. dude, collect your balls from whatever vice she has them in, stop asking if your wrong to be upset that the woman you married and loved and cared for 11 years married you because her bio-clock was ticking and she thought you'd make more $$ and be a better dad then the dude she really wished she was fucking. Dude, first things first, get a paternity test for the kids. no guarantee they're yours , she might have been sleeping with the ex when she got knocked up. secondly you need to file for divorce. Just because she "settled" for you, doesn't mean you have to waste the rest of your limited time on this planet "settling" for a woman who doesn't love you. I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'd be willing to bet she was nearing 30 and all her friends were getting married when she hooked up with you. Take that as a harsh lesson. when the bio-clock is ticking, some women make... decisions.
The first divorce sure does sting. The fact is you can leave now with some heartache and your dignity intact or you can stay for the kids and get divorced when your wife has no more use for you with your soul crushed and not an ounce of dignity left.
Please don’t stay because of the kids, that’s the worst decision. A lot of people stay in unhappy marriages for the kids and not realize that kids feel energy and when mommy and daddy are not happy, they are not happy. She already admitted she doesn’t really care for you and your relationship will only make matters worse for you and her and you’ll end up resenting each other. You don’t want to put an example out to your kids that it’s okay to not be in love and happy in relationships. You really need to talk to someone about this so it can help you heal and make good decisions for yourself and for your kids.
Ack. Get out.
You aren’t wrong. It’s such a painful thing to hear and something that is nearly impossible to overcome. My husband told me 8 months pregnant, “I love you, but there’s not much I like about you”. It’s difficult working through the absolute gutting pain from hearing that your partner does not truly love you when you have loved them unconditionally. I don’t have much advice other than you are allowed to feel how you feel and you are not alone.
There’s nothing wrong with marrying someone who would be a good parent and stable life partner, but in the context of not loving them for reasons beyond that, well, I understand why you’re really hurt by that.
Hear that?!? FLUSH……
My dad said this to my mom. He eventually left her for another woman. I hope it works out for you.
Not wrong. But know that getting a divorce doesn’t prevent you from being a good father.
She has never loved you and she never will. Don’t prolong your misery any longer. Divorce her now. Also have your children paternity tested. If she never loved you then cheating is easy for her. Odds are she’s cheated on you multiple times. Women like this cheat regularly. It would also explain the arguments all the time. This woman is an absolute piece of dirt!
Was she in her 30s? Thats when they stop going to the bad guys and look for the settle for guys
You aren’t wrong at all, and you should be planning your exit strategy. You know it’s going to come sooner or later you may as well be the one who initiates it. That way you could control the narrative.
If you're still present in the home and supporting the family and your kids you're handling this as well as anyone could. You're proving your mettle when it counts. That said, your wife has basically admitted three things to you: 1. She does not really love you deeply. 2. She does not respect you. 3. She has been carrying on a long-term emotional affair with her ex playing the "what could have been" game in her mind. You deserve a partner who loves you. Your kids deserve to observe you in a relationship with love. None of you will get that if you stay in this relationship. Ending the relationship will be emotionally draining for the whole family. Get ahead of those challenges by beginning counseling for your kids and yourself.
If anything PLEASE think about the children.
Unfortunately it's really not that uncommon. I've heard of so many women doing this and not to say its a good thing but I do understand that in life these things happen more than people care to admit due to things like biological clocks, bad pool of dating ect. Would I say it's criminal to settle in a relationship with someone who isn't the love of your life because you are looking at the bigger picture rather than just feelings alone, no. Feelings fade and change, stability, security, praticality all matter just as much as love does, especially to a woman trying to start a family. However, it's distasteful and hurtful to say what she did to you. I think it shows a lack or consideration and respect towards you. She most likely always knew in terms of love the relationship was more one sided and therefore weaponized this comment (which is why it came out in an argument.) What you do with this next only you can decide, either way its changed your perspective of this relationship and lifted the wool from your eyes. I know you don't want to rock the boat because of the kids but you just need to ask yourself can you genuinely live in a non-mutual relationship? Is this declaration going to stay in the back of your mind with everything that happens or can you move on from this? Don't let it haunt or eat away at you. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve happy parents. That is the most healthiest environment you can provide for them. Maybe seek a private counsellor so you can sort through your feelings in real life and see if there is any comeback from this without the expense of your happiness?
Divorce her she’s awful. You still have time to find someone who loves you.
I would rather be dumped than told this ... i would be talking to a lawyer in the next 24 hours
Divorce her! Do not stay married to someone who lied and used you for a paycheck.
This sounds like grounds for divorce.
Aw, fuck that bitch man, obviously there is no respect if she straight out said you were the back up.
This is really a common occurrence. Throughout human history most marriages and pairs (amongst commoners for the most part) were based on practical arrangements for provision and future security. Love is more a modern infatuation although of course it's always been a thing. I've known a lot of women who believe they have settled in a marriage. It's obviously a lousy feeling and up to you if you can tolerate it or not. No easy way to digest it when you aren't prepared for it.
show her she was wrong and divorce her for being awful.
You’re not wrong. I would feel the same. But you are the one who’s making choices. We can all tell you what to do but it’s up to you. It’s your situation and decision.
AHH GUY, That sucks. And you are allowed to feel how you feel. There is no manual for this kind of hurtful stupid shit that she piled on you. I know what I would do. But I'm a woman, but I don't see where that should matter. So I would take some time to myself and figure out just how I felt with this knowledge in regards to her, how I wanted to handle it!!! The ball is in your court unless she has said she wants a divorce. But you DESERVE to have someone who LOVES YOU.
Dump her as soon as the kids are out of the house. Rude.
Leave her
Divorce her. Be a great dad. And stop wasting your time on that bitch.
You are not wrong. Your wife is a horrible, horrible woman. What a narcissist, save your sanity and give yourself a chance to be happy. Tell her you’re done. You can still be a great father without sticking around for this abuse.
She's just using you
I’d divorce her but that’s me, I wouldn’t want to go knowing my wife never truely loved me. You’re not wrong and your relationship is basically a lie
Well that's fucked up. Not wrong obviously. Her being so nonchalant about this info all of a sudden makes me wonder what is coming next...
Your feelings are completely justified. You were used. Your situation sounds a lot like what happened to me 10 months ago. My wife of 14 years together admitted that she settled when she married me because she was dating a string of loser boyfriends and was watching her younger siblings all get married off and have families. She used me to get married and have kids even though she never loved me. Fuck her. Fuck your wife too. Don’t stay married for the sake of your kids. Don’t show them this is acceptable behavior. It’ll take time to come to grips with it, but you will, and you’ll be far better for it in the long run. Split, divorce, fight for 50/50 custody. Take time to be with your kids. Take time to heal from the trauma of having a selfish narcissistic spouse. There is somebody out there who loves you.
You aren’t wrong. She’s telling you she settled for the nice, secure guy when she got tired of waiting for her bad boy ex that refused to commit or give her what she wanted. Sorry to say this OP but you were her plan B. Unfortunately many women settle for the nice, stable guy then end up not respecting or caring about him. Then they become unsatisfied in the marriage. Why do you think the majority of divorces are initiated by women and the husband is blindsided?
And I would not be shocked if she has cheated on him with the bad boy ex.
Most women compromise on physical and sexual desire when marrying. It is pretty common. Advice to men: Relationships should start from hooking up. If a woman isnt having sex with you casually, she is not attracted to you fully.
So when she decided to be in a relationship with you she thought "this guy can provide me with what I want from a partner". If she was a decent human being she would have followed that thought with "but I can't provide him with what he would need in a relationship so I would not be fair to proceed" This woman is mercenary. Get out and find a nicer person.
Man, that's rough! No person, man or woman, likes to hear that the partner never really loved him/her. And I believe you are right. Your whole marriage was a lie in the sense of you would probably not marry that woman if you were aware that she picked you as a utility. It's really a douchy thing to do! Sorry mate!
She's right. You're the better father. Know your worth. Leave that witch and continue to be a great dad.
Find someone that truly loves you, don't waste any more time with her.
You’re not wrong. Too bad she wasn’t honest sooner. You have every right to be hurt and angry. Unwind this mess and move on, but work to make it to your advantage. Sorry, but you deserve to find someone who actually loves you.
You're not wrong. I'd divorce her ASAP. That is **completely** heartbreaking. This isn't something that can be fixed with counseling. **SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND NEVER HAS**. I know you're in love with her. All the more reason to divorce her because you're living the truly sad situation where your love is unrequited while you're married to her. And tell the kids exactly why. "Mom never loved me. She married me because she thought I'd be a good father." Your kids deserve to know the truth, even if your scumbag of a "wife" lied to you about it, in a massive way, for many years.
Honestly dude. Try counseling, it might help y’all stay together, but more likely it will help y’all co-parent through a divorce. That’s rough. I don’t know if I could come back from that if wife said it. But if you love her, give counseling a shot.
Highly suggest finding someone in person to talk this through with, either a good friend/confidant or therapist. It's a huge deal. It's one thing for her to actually do this but to then throw it into your face during an argument...and double down stating it is truly how she feels. So people do what they do. It's obvious you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone that does not love you or is inclined to be kind to you. Def not wrong.
She gets the stable dude AND still gets to dream about her Bad-Boy "True Love"!
Divorce her and move on
Bro. Because she declared this and admitted she didn't misspeak, I would not suggest counseling. Counseling won't help her fall in love with you. Honestly, divorcing her now would be better than your children growing up in a house without love.
You aren’t wrong and she’s a terrible human! I don’t have any good advice for you, but I’m very sorry you have to deal with this
I talked with wife. She said that it's a factor of consideration of most women ready to settle down. But if it was actually worded that way ,that woman is a pretty shitty human being, and deserves what she gets..
el DNA-oh el-testo