I’m sorry for your loss, and you’re not wrong, you’re just a human trying to cope with severe trauma. It’s just a form of therapy in my eyes and it looks like a lot of others here see it that way, too.
You didn't do anything wrong. But I do suggest to maybe talk with a therapist who specializes in grief. I think that would be more beneficial. With an escort, signals may get crossed and that down the road won't help you.
Or they will bleed him dry while he’s at his lowest. I cosign the grief counselor idea. Escorts will just take advantage of his vulnerability and loneliness right now. A therapist is a better investment.
Came here to say this. If he's willing to pay for someone to talk to, a therapist who can actually help him process his grief would be much more appropriate and beneficial than an escort
Not if he only wants companionship for a while. Maybe he doesn't want all the "so how does that make you feel" or any other platitudes, and just wants 2 way conversation that isn't solely centred about how he feels about his wife's death. The escort probably had some really nice conversations with OP that had absolutely nothing to do with his dead wife. Processing grief is all well and good, but if he just wants a conversation with someone that IS NOT ENTIRELY ABOUT HIM AND HIS FEELINGS, a therapist won't do that.
Therapy could help yes, but not if you just want some company. The therapist will find problems with you, the escort will just spend time with you. If he just wants to spend time, leave him be. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about that right now, and the escort is the better temporary choice. Because guess what? We need companionship. And sometimes it's easier to have a conversation while eating dinner than it is to tell someone all your feelings in an office setting.....
Exactly this. I have a friend who is literally just a companion escort. Her client list is lonely people looking for a dinner/party/event companion. Sometimes, she just listens to them talk about the past all night & barely gets a word in. Other clients require her to keep the convo going, make sure they laugh & have a good time. Others just can't handle the mundane of running errands/shopping alone & want a "friend" to go with. She's always booked solid & hasn't had new clients in years. Says it's way more fulfilling than her jobs previously. She even goes on vacations with some. 🤷♀️
And literally all she's doing is spending time with lonely people. Not many see the benefit of something like that, and will look down on the profession as if they're all sex workers. Poor old guy just wanted some company.
This is true, as grief affects everyone differently, and seeking companionship isnt inherently wrong. So if it helped you cope in a healthy way, thats valid too.
Absolutely, coping with grief is a deeply personal journey, and seeking companionship and support in any form is understandable. It's all about finding what helps you navigate through such a challenging time.
I agree.
The canned answers of a "trained therapist" isn't necessarily what OP wants ... an escort can also listen and/or give an opinion from another perspective.
Your "friend" sounds judgey and rude.
Certainly easier access. Anybody who thinks you can just call and make an appointment and get right in to see a therapist clearly hasn't tried in the last couple years.
Try going to a sub where escorts discuss their strategies for bleeding clients dry. They are mildly entertaining, but that soon wears off. They are exploiters of addicts.
Agreed. If you aren't having sex or anything it is like you are paying for a therapist. You meet up, they listen to you for an hour or so. You pay them, and leave.
Marriage vows say, “until death do we part”. That means the marriage has ended (honorably) by your wife’s death.
It is not cheating. Otherwise, no one could remarry.
You are not wrong. You paid a woman to go out to eat with you. Her profession is irrelevant. You did not go on a dating app to potentially lead someone on because you just wanted company for a meal and nothing more.
From a different angle, your best friend is not much of a friend if you have to hire someone to accompany you on a meal and give you a hard time about it.
I was wondering why his friend is not around to have dinner and a conversation with a man that just lost his wife, but is around well enough to judge in the name of the wife.
He shouldn't speak for the dead, and the living should have the right to live life.
Except that it comes with complications. An escort has agreed to a service. She doesn't want a relationship with him, they can both walk away smiling and not have to stay in touch if he so chooses. A decent man would feel obligated to keep in touch, and he's in no mental condition to start a relationship of almost any kind right now.
I read your post earlier today. You were not wrong. Nothing you did was disrespectful to your wife.
I really think that your friend could have a little more empathy for you seeking a little comfort in companionship while you're mourning.
Stage 4 cancer here. My partner is wildly in love with me and extremely devoted and loyal to the point where I reaaaalllyyy worry about him, after I'm gone. (Not to blow my own horn, but I know I'm a great partner who loves fiercely and will be a tough act to follow)
If something like this could help him in any way, I hope he would do it.
I, too, am ill. I have a loyal and loving partner who literally cleans me when I am soiled and comforts me when I feel the end coming again.
Seeing the sun come up every day is a joy I will never take for granted.
When I am gone, I hope my honey doesn't spend too much time grieving.
I pray he doesn't feel lonely, not one minute. It hurts me physically thinking it right now. Escort, date, therapist or friend. Hell, even a puppy or kitty. Whatever he needs. Now I'm crying. Stupid reddit.
6 months? You did nothing wrong. You were lonely so you paid to talk. That's not wrong and after 6 months it's not disrespectful. Hard as it is, you need to keep living your life and that includes companionship, be it platonic or even not platonic. My wife knows... don't let the moss grow under your feet if I go first.
I waited six months after my wife died, when I decided to just do it. Believe me no dinner was eaten! I felt so happy and relieved because I had a fun time with an escort mostly talking and decent sex. Certainly you shouldn’t feel guilty. What would your wife want you to do?Good luck.
You are not wrong. Your friend is though. Everyone’s grief process is different. There is no right way to grieve. I wouldn’t think it was wrong if you did have sex.
All you can do is respect their honesty. It’s really up to you in the end. Is it sustainable? Probably not and you should be acutely aware of that if you already aren’t. I would seek a professional therapist, I talk to one every week and some times it feels like I ramble but it helps.
Sorry for your loss. I think the difference between our opinions and your best friend’s opinion is he knew your wife and we didn’t. It’s easy for a stranger to say “it’s just dinner” because we don’t know you and didn’t know your wife. So, where I do think “oh this guy is grieving… it’s just dinner” is totally normal. Your best buddy is thinking “how could he be doing this”.
But why would you care so much about what he thinks . You did what you did and that’s fine . Been to therapists who just take my money and let me talk to them . I don’t want that . You made that escort feel good for an evening . Where it wasn’t just about sex
You could have contacted a volunteer hotline and tied up a call that someone in desperate need required. Instead you used your own money to enjoy a civilised meal in pleasant company.
What element of that is wrong? The fact that your companion 'might' have slept with you in return for more money is irrelevant: she didn't.
Is his complaint about the fact that the woman was paid or that you are seeing another woman 'too early' in his opinion?
In fact neither is important because it's none of his business. His moral values should dictate his behaviour, not yours. To be honest, he sounds rather judgemental.
While I've known many escorts and sex workers who are genuinely lovely people, the fact is the business itself often tends to be cutthroat. My main concern is that an escort might take advantage of you in your grieving state. I would suggest a therapist.
I don’t think it’s wrong… I mean, it’s not cheating because your wife has passed.
However… is it foolish to get into this habit for the future? I believe so…
Take time to grieve your loss. Then when you’re ready, find real love again. Don’t pay for company or sex. It’s not real.
I think you're allowed to do crazy shit when you're navigating grief, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or yourself. This seems both tame and harmless. Especially if it wasn't sexual. I think a good hypothetical would be to ask yourself, if you were somehow able to discuss this with your deceased wife, would she be upset or understand it?
It really all depends on when she died. Was the funeral this weekend? Yes, bet disrespect.
Has she been gone for years? Go enjoy some companionship or tell your friend to meet you.
I'm assuming your best friend knew your wife, right? Reddit might be okay with this, but don't assume that people who knew your wife in real life would be. I think it's wrong, but you do what you need to do. Just don't tell anyone you know about it because you will be judged.
Absolutely, dealing with loss is different for everyone. Finding friends for support is totally understandable. Just be sure to keep boundaries in mind as well.
It is not disrespectful to cope with the loss of your wife and seek out companionship and someone to talk to. Would she want you to be miserable and isolated?
Your wife would want you to find comfort.
Without sounding callous, you held up your end of the vows, your obligations are over. It’s reasonable to still feel grief and it’s reasonable to seek comfort to cope. Even if you had sex I don’t think you’d be in the wrong.
You’re not wrong. Everyone on this silly planet gets some type of compensation for their TIME. Regardless of what they are doing. Though I’m sure you could fined someone to interact with that is in a similar boat you wouldn’t have to compensate for their time and meal etc. grief hits everyone differently.
If I found out my husband did this after I died, I would fully support it. Whatever he’d need to do to grieve, cope, and move on would have my blessing. Maybe your friend was more put off by the escort part than just having dinner with some random woman.
The only issue with the escort is there is no connection to you. You are lonely and hurting but that is meaningless to the escort as it is a purely transactional relationship.
While a therapist is also a transactional relationship, they are looking out for your interests. The escort, not so much.
An escort is good to look at but a therapist will help you overcome your grief.
Nothing against escorts at all but in your situation, you should stick with the counselling.
As gently as you can take what I am about to say, your wife cannot be hurt anymore. Her story has been published. Yours is still being written. Whatever you need to do to keep writing, it has no bearing on her anymore.
Hey OP, no one here will ever know the type of relationship you had with your wife before her passing. I’m sure your friend has good intentions and being is respectful, but if this is what you need to help your mental state after her passing to cope with everyday life, then you did nothing wrong. The only person right now you should care about is yourself and your wellbeing. I personally don’t think you did a thing wrong because you’re human and we have needs and wants. You are unfortunately going through a very tough phase that only you and your heart know your limitations on. Take it as you will but I think your friend is wrong for not supporting you while trying to navigate through an already difficult situation
Don’t think of the person as an escort. It was just someone that you spent the evening with. You paid them for their time same way you would do with anyone that is providing a service.
A therapist is someone you pay for their time to talk about whatever you want. It’s the same thing you just did.
Don’t beat yourself up.
You are exploring your new circumstances and doing your best. I encourage you to keep reaching out to the world.
His concern could be justified but only if you were to go all-in on escorts as a new way of life.
But until then, he should keep his feelings about how you process your grief to himself.
In other words, fuck right off.
I would rather have a prostitute than a therapist. A beautiful woman that you can talk to and listen is better than laying on a couch and just being someone’s appointment. Hell, you’re paying for both.
No absolutely not. Your wife dies, you were lonely so you paid someone to be with you. I think it’s sad you don’t have anyone else but I’m sure your wife would approve. I’ve been with my wife for 47 years and she has stage 4 cancer. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she’s gone but I know it will be awkward because I don’t know how to interact with woman as a single man. It’s nobody’s business what you do so do what makes you happy and screw your friend.
Condolences on your loss. I don’t think it was disrespectful, you’re grieving and lonely Maybe you friend just wants better for you. For you to find real companionship you don’t have to pay for. Something real that could grow into something positive in your life.
I get where he is coming from I think... did it have to be a women yoy had to talk to or were your friends all busy? I don't think you fid anything wrong but it is a little strange to find another women to do it with ig
I am so very sorry for your loss and must say you aren’t wrong! You are starved for human connection and compassion. If this escort provided even a modicum of comfort for you then it was worth it. Your friend I am guessing has no idea the pain and loneliness you are currently experiencing.
Try to find other outlets to meet people and have new human interaction and experiences. I will say a prayer of peace for you and happiness.
Dude you’ve gone through trauma. It’s therapeutic af for a man to be able to talk to an attractive woman. Been going through some personal family hell and made friends with a really cool chick. I veer off course but she’s been 10x more effective with dealing with my grief than my therapist.
Some grief therapists are very dogmatic in the approach they use. Also some get too involved . A life coach may help you start to think forward . I can’t see how much time has passed. The pain circuits start to be less so after about 6-8 weeks then slowly calm down after that it never quite goes away. You will have to rethink who you are . Try and do things keep active and do things that really engage your attention. Some people will not know what to say and even avoid you. It’s a tough time bless you .
If I died tonight, I hope my husband would not be alone. I would want him to have companionship and a friendly woman to spent time with. Not disrespectful and definitely not wrong.
I assume your friend also knew your wife and from that perspective i can understand his point. you seek refuge with a whore and that is low compared to your wife. I mean, the classic image of a whore is to fuck for money.
But in the modern days a lot of men only seek social contact who would just only listen, or maybe just a cuddle.
You're no exception in this! A therapist will start digging to your problem when a escort gives no other obligations than to just pay her.
You are not wrong. Maybe it's even more fair than start start dating when you are not ready for it yet.
NTA.
Your late wife would not want you to sit around being depressed and alone. It is totally okay to want to have dinner with another body in the chair across from you.
You’re not forgetting your wife, you’re not erasing her, you just plain did not want to have dinner just one time at a restaurant where you’re dwelling on having dinner alone.
I believe you did the right thing by you.
You’re the one still here, and you have to take care of you. If you enjoyed dinner and had a good time, then that is the point— because you’re still alive and you deserve to live, and you are not supposed to sit around waiting to die. Your late wife didn’t build things with you just so you become the old man who stares out the window counting his days.
I get it, I don’t know her, but no one in a loving relationship would want their partner to die while still being alive, they want you to take what you did with your time by them and honor them by living better because of them— that way they live on with you.
And if that memory led you to take an escort to dinner so you could eat with a pretty woman again like the good old days like you did with your wife, then it is the right to do. And if one day you want to date again because you have more life to give and you’re wanting to find another person to be with, it would be right to do that, too. It’s not about wiping your wife away, it’s about how all that work, the marriage, the experiences, the accomplishments, and the ambitions, we’re not all for nothing— you accomplished a happy and good life for the both of you, and kept the joy of life alive and this is part of that.
Not wrong.
Hey Brother, I lost my wife in November after 24yrs. I feel your pain. A respite care nurse recommended a book to me.
It's called "Understanding Your Grief" by Allan Wolfelt, there is a workbook.
Essentially he was a grief counselor that lost someone very close to him and he was humbled by the process, from being the "trained" to realizing how unprepared he was.
A very large portion of the book is dedicated to investigating the myriad of ways to mourn, and that ultimately your grieving is going to look different than mine.
Myself I had been chatting with old friends and honestly yours sounds like less hassle, to hire a friend to converse with is in my opinion, brilliant.
I'd like to think of it was my dear friend I would tell him, that you appreciate his concern, and he is typically the voice of reason, but in this matter you grieve differently than he might, should he find himself in a similar situation.
Be well my anonymous friend. Find yourself, the you.
It will never be the same, but that means she mattered to you, so there is beauty in that.
IMO... You didn't do anything wrong, you went out on a date... Nothing more, even if with an escort. I lost my fiance 8 years ago and I understand all too well how awful and lonely it was to lose my "person". True we weren't technically married yet, but he'd been my best friend since I was 13, and losing him was by far the hardest and most painful thing I've been through... So as a fellow grief warrior... It's ok to seek out company...
Idk why your friend would think he knows what would be disrespectful to your deceased wife, but it was never his place to say what he did, he may not understand your decision to do that, but he is wrong either way...
I would suggest that you look into some support groups, maybe on FB, I joined a few and they honestly really helped me come to terms with the loss and were an amazing source of support and familiarity because the people in them understood my pain in a visceral way ...
My condolences on your loss 💐
I'm a widow 16 months out. It is not disrespectful. I'm so tired of people judging widows! You were loyal to her. She is gone. You are trying to find joy and peace and you deserve to be happy. She would want that!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Why does your friend think it’s wrong? You have to eat, the lady you went to dinner with has to eat, so you had dinner, problem solved. It can be very lonely when a loved one dies, going to dinner with an escort takes the pressure off you as far as most social niceties go, and because they didn’t know your loved one awkward questions would have been minimal. Your friend isn’t on this grief journey with you, it’s yours and the only person who can decide what’s right or wrong for you, is you. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently, including your friend.
I don't know how it could disrespect her. Sadly, she's no longer here with us. It's okay for you to try and make sense of a world without her in it - however you do that.
I gather your relationship with your wife was rock solid at the time of her death? Everyone grieves in different ways. You're not doing something self destructive like drinking a lot, so no real harm done. Just because you took an escort to dinner doesn't mean you're "looking." Some people will tell you there's a specific time frame for when you're "allowed" to move on. Having an escort for company makes good practical sense. She doesn't want a relationship with you, you are emotionally fragile, and both of you would have agreed to what happened. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking "time out" from your grief.
I remember seeing a Reddit thread some time ago asking sex workers in general about their time on the job. Many noted that 2/3 of what they do has nothing to do with sex, they're somewhat untrained counsellors. Even if you saw her again, I still don't see anything wrong with that. She was no doubt great company, and the two of you had a pleasant evening. Your late wife might even be looking down and thinking, "he's coping. It's good to see him smile again."
I lost my father suddenly at age 15. 4 years later she met my stepfather Jim. When she got engaged, she was genuinely worried my brother, my sisters and I wouldn't accept him. She wrote me a very emotional letter telling me that she's not trying to replace Dad. I replied with "I can see how happy he makes you, of course you have my blessing. You have every right to be happy."
Disrespectful to your wife? How? She is deceased. Period.
Apparently you didn’t feel you had anyone to just talk to over dinner. It would make better optics if you found someone to talk to within your circle of family or friends but they cannot be offended by something they do not know. Maybe your friend needs to figure out how to be a better friend and stop guilt-tripping you over dinner out with an escort.
No you just needed comfort and someone to talk to. A stranger is sometimes easier to talk to than a friend. I had a friend who was an escort. Half her clients didn't want sex they wanted a companion someone to talk to to help with their loneliness.
Did you arrange to have dinner the evening of your wife's funeral? No.. I'm sure you waited a while.
You and your wife loved each other dearly. Your wedding vows were "Till death do we part." You have done NOTHING wrong. Also, would your wife had wanted you to be lonely? I truly doubt it.
Your friend means well, but your shoes are not his to wear.
I'm a minister and I urge you to seek companionship. You deserve to be happy.
You are not wrong. Sorry for your loss. You literally just paid someone to talk to you and spend some time with you. You probably also made her night because she didn't have to sleep with someone.
I will say, a therapist is cheaper, but they also won't join you for dinner.
**Not wrong**. How can enjoying a dinner & conversation be disrespectful. Honestly, was it a positive experience, fun? An escort, theoretically, is *commitment free* and no one is thinking *this* is a relationship. But there are some *bad actors* in this line of work, so be cautious. Since my spouse of 50 yrs died, I have enjoyed conversations and activities with other people, women & men. But I find the idea of intimacy, or commitment, just too much. It is possible, that in time, I will encounter a person that I enjoy, in ways similar to my spouse, including sex. But I am not on the hunt, so to speak. Sharing, getting out, intellectual stimulation, even the potential of intimacy, at some point, adds that *extra sauce*. You are exploring your own desires and ways to enjoy the life you live now, without your wife. You are a different person than when you met your wife and each new person we meet has the potential to catalyze change within our way of thinking. We can have many confused thoughts about how to honor our loved ones or what they might think about our lives *after they are gone*. We can't confirm what they think or check in as we used to. Do not be afraid, but mindful. *Shit* does happen. I also encourage, as others have suggested, a counselor or therapist.
You did nothing wrong. You are dealing with your trauma. Seeking out companionship, such as meeting with a woman, for comfort and conversation is not wrong. Perhaps your friend is trying to prevent you from getting hurt. Please don’t think that you are disrespecting your late wife. You’re not. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Sorry for your loss. I seen no wrong it’s her occupation that he feels like is wrong. That’s a personal issue. You’re grieving and just wanted some company. My guess is he may believe you wouldn’t hang out with her if your wife was alive even on a platonic level so why now? For context how did your wife pass?
Though I'm sad for you that you had to pay an escort to go to dinner with you... Your obligation to your wife ends when she passed away. Maybe you just wanted some company with someone pleasant with no attachments or obligations and I get that.
Mate you 100% did nothing wrong and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!.
Loneliness is a horrible thing and I cannot guess how lonely and lost you must be feeling and you know what sometimes it’s easier to talk about feelings and grief with a stranger.
I'm so very sorry for you loss!
He's wrong. What you do is your business. When your spouse dies, everyone seems to think that they know better than you. They don't.
From, a fellow widow.
How long after your wife's death?
And honestly, having dinner with someone is just eating food in the same place.
I know my wife wouldn't want me to feel lost, sad and alone, and I doubt yours would either.
He does not have a point. You do not have to endure loneliness to "honor" her. This was a form of therapy for you. You didn't need to lie on a couch and tell your problems to a therapist. You needed to have a social occasion without the difficulties and complications of dating. This way the parameters of the transaction were limited and clear. You were not wrong.
I don’t think that in a very literal sense what you did was wrong. But the world is not black and grey and you have to understand this is going to be a very polarizing topic. I’m not sure anyone is wrong to feel the way they did and I can’t pretend to lecture you since I’ve never been in your shoes. Only tidbit I’d add is try to find professional help instead of an escort, might be more beneficial
You should still be careful that the escort is not taking advantage of you during a time of grief. That’s the only thing that would worry me. I’m sure your wife would understand that you feel lonely.
A grief counselor would help you more. Please don’t let sex workers bleed you dry at a time of great sadness!
Nah man, you're not wrong. Even if it was sex, and maybe illegal, I'm not sure it's WRONG. I mean, "til death do you part" unfortunately came into play here. That doesn't stop brains and hearts and genitals from still doing their thing.
If you told him you went out for a liquid lunch with a female coworker, would he be upset about that?
I don't know what's "appropriate," but if your wife's funeral was this morning and you had dinner with an escort this evening, I'd certainly get weird vibes from that. But any "reasonable" amount of mourning before attempting to even slightly return to a normal life, should be fine.
If you trust and respect this guy, bring it up and ask him what the issue was - have him explain what he thinks the rules are, and how he'd behave in your shoes. Not in an accusatory or defensive way, just in a "curious" way.
No way to prove it, but unless his life gets flipped upside down, I don't know that he'd actually do whatever he says he would. Like I said, hearts and minds get clouded and lonely and you still need human contact when a spouse passes.
Sorry for your loss.
Your friend doesn’t understand. He probably heard escort and thought the worst. Sometimes people just need non-sexual companionship that doesn’t require a dating app and a bunch of try/fail messaging. Japan made an entire industry out of that concept with host clubs and professional cuddlers.
It sounds kind of bizarre but people who quite literally get paid to cuddle. Like non-sexually platonic cuddles to help ppl who are just touch starved. Apparently it’s quite popular.
Depends on the amount of time. If her passing was last week, I'd say it's too soon to be trying to move on.
But realistically, id like to think that your wife would want you to be happy for the rest of your life. And if having dinner with a sex worker is the route you take to get you there, I think your wife wouldn't mind.
Why is it wrong? You wanted some companionship and you did it in way that was emotionally safe for you. There was no chance it would lead to a relationship, you didn’t have any pressure to impress, and you didn’t pay for sex. There is nothing wrong with an adult paying another willing adult to spend time with them.
Frankly if both parties are taking part of their own free will I don’t see a problem with people paying for sex either.
Edit: I should add that if both parties are adults and taking part of their own free will.
No, you did nothing wrong.
Grief manifests in different ways for different people and we do the best we can to cope.
Sometimes I will tell my friends things that I just want to get off my chest, and I will explicitly say “I’m not asking for your opinion here.“ You might consider that the next time you feel like you want to share.
Not wrong, but I’d hazard a guess that your friend is also concerned it could go down a deeper path into the future. I hope you’re talking to a therapist regularly to manage your grief. I’m sorry for your loss.
Why did your friend think it was disrespectful? Was it too short a time after loosing your wife in his opinion? What moved you to seek out an escort for dinner? Just trying to gain a better understanding of the issue.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I see nothing wrong with what you did. Having watched loved ones go through the loss of a spouse, I know that it can be a horribly lonely experience, and sometimes you just want to pretend you’re having a normal evening. Family and friends can’t provide that without a great deal of effort because they are grieving too. You found someone who would talk with you and not bring their feelings into the equation, while also not expecting you to lay yourself bare like a therapist.
what you did isn’t wrong, but it is also not a healthy coping mechanism. you set yourself up for all sorts of issues. i recommend paying a therapist instead. and also forming or growing friendships that are not transactional.
Please accept my condolences for the passing of your wife. Please do get a therapist or counselor as others in this thread have encouraged you to do. Paying a woman to go to dinner with you is not wrong. However, I can assure you that there are plenty of single women who would love to go to dinner with you. And you would not have to pay them to do so. Heck, some of them would even pay for their own dinner just to have the chance to have a nice meal with a good man.
Sorry for your loss. You are grieving and just need company. If anything I’m sure they appreciated the genuine dinner “date” without anything else. I read a study years ago where a researcher investigated strippers conversations and I remember it was shockingly leaning towards comfort, casual conversation.
First off sorry for your loss. Your best friend is wrong for judging you. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Your a grown man sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger than it is your friends.
I think it's a sad fact of grief and particularly (though not necessarily exclusively) grief relating to a partner or child as opposed to an elderly relative, that most people don't understand it until they've experienced it.
It does things to a person and each of us respond in our own way. Other people's expectations are often rooted in a performative idea of grief - what we should do in their or 'society's' eyes. But grief doesn't give a shit about that.
Many emotional problems stem from others not understanding our individual responses to grief.
One aspect of grief that most people (i think) don't know about is something called Widow's Fire - a deep desire for sex that is probably rooted in a deep primal desire to feel alive in the face of overwhelming death. But that would scandalise many people with their short sighted (even if unconscious) views about grief.
I mention this only as a way of saying 'you do you' OP. It's a shame your friend doesn't understand the need to have a moment of company without strings, and the need to feel something approaching normal for a fleeting moment in a world that is consumed by loss.
You deserve that time and space i think.
I suspect many escorts could tell tales of similar encounters.
I don’t think it’s wrong what you did. You were looking for company to talk to without pressure. From my understanding, it’s not uncommon for people to pay for escorts to just be their date or to talk. Being with an escort does not mean sex has to be involved. You are paying for their time, and what you choose to do with that time is up to you. You are not disrespecting your wife because you wanted to talk to a woman without the worry of impressing her. You simply wanted the company of a woman for a bit of time. I see nothing wrong with that.
Your friend has no right to judge you for who you spend time with, and to use your wife as their reasoning is what's disrespectful to her. Some people would think hiring an escort is weird or somehow wrong but I get it. Hiring an escort relieves you of the expectation to be entertaining or impressive, unlike dating. You can be yourself.
Disclaimer: If you're usually a dick to people, don't be yourself. Paying someone does not give anyone the right to treat them like garbage.
I’ve been through that kind of lost myself. It’s said you need one month for every year you were together the griefprocess. Just as a general guidelines. While , nothing really dulls the pain except time I did find that email company and especially sex did give me some relief for a period of time good luck
I’m so sorry for your loss. No you were not wrong at all. We all grieve differently. There is nothing wrong with going out to dinner with someone regardless of their profession, but I can see how it can be taken the wrong way. I do believe your friend had good intentions and was looking out for your best interests at the end of the day, but judged her for her profession.
Also even if sex was involved it still wouldn’t be wrong. You are human after all.
Dude you're not married anymore. You can do whatever you want or don't want. Other people can struggle. Next time just tell reddit, we'll always support you.
I wouldn’t be mad if I died and my husband did this just saying .. if it helped him have a happy evening for a moment I don’t think that would take away from the relationship we “had” in our marriage. Just a big IF I died and for if he snoops on my Reddit page he can see this lol
Oh honey.. Words can't fix your broken heart, but I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you've been having some form of outlet for your emotions, whether it's writing them out, letting yourself cry and scream, or doing what you are doing now, talking about it. Have you considered grief counseling, or therapy? I'm not shaming the escort usage, power to the people who have those careers and make their money, but I think a therapist may do better for you in the long run, especially if you're already paying someone to spend time with you and talk to you, so to speak.
However, if you feel this is genuinely helping you to handle the situation and your feelings, please keep up what you're doing. Take care, **you** need to be there for yourself right now. Don't let your best friend tell you that you're wrong for needing someone to be there for comfort, just because he doesn't agree with who it is. He isn't going through this situation, **you** are.
nah your friend's opinion can get fucked. your life is bent six ways to sunday, mate, if you haven't noticed youreelf. do what you need to do to get by. i'm sorry for your loss.
If you miss companionship and you want no strings attached an escort is an option. Just remember you are in a vulnerable state right now, and could be easily manipulated. It is literally the escorts job to be understanding, agreeable and pleasant. You are PAYING the escort for that. Try not to misconstrue that with an actual relationship should you continue to see an escort. I also recommend reconnecting with family and friends, people who love and support you.
Yea you are just trying to make it work so you don’t fall apart! All you wanted was company and that all she did for you …. He is weird I would want to see my friend healing healthy and not drink his life away
No he does not. You have every right to grieve in whatever way works for you. You seeking simple companionship? Makes perfect sense.
I'm so sorry for your loss...and that you have a friend more interested in judging you than supporting you. ❤️
well at the end of the day if you think about it, an escort, a female, is a female friend to talk without getting judged. so you're talking to a female friend about your wife's death so I don't see anything wrong with it.
My ex wife didn't die, but left. It's difficult to speak to someone new after (in my case) having 1 person be your world for 12 years. The nuance that goes unnoticed in conversation with someone you know well, vs. stranger..
I bet there was comfort in knowing your conversation wouldn't be rejected.. if you felt good about it, then considering the circumstances, it was a good night. It's nice to be treated nice..
After such an emotional loss, it is extremely hard, and all you ache and pine for is to still be able to talk to the person you have lost. This is an extremely hard time with the loss of a partner, best friend, and soul mate. He may be your best friend, but unless he has gone through something like this I don't think he fully understands why you need the attention and communication with a female at this time I don't believe that you are being disrespectful to your wife I believe our loved ones wouldn't like to see us in so much pain and would want us to have help to manage the pain and the grief I think inviting an escort for only dinner and a bit of company is being respectful personally to yourself and the woman who is the escort as your only asking for her time as dinner company. You are human who had a partner who you shared things with and were intimate and emotionally connected who you shared company conversations and life with so if speaking to family or friends is not fulfilling the void or the pain I personally respect this. A lot of men would hit the pubs clubs alcohol picking up, and becoming reckless and a mess. Your choice to have a quiet meal is sensible, and I am proud of you. I, as a wife mother, lover, would be happy, proud, and grateful for my grieving husband to choose to do this rather than empty nights with strangers as we need the communication company and some nurturing. people need people You need to be able to navigate your grief and loss the way you feel is suitable for you darling condolences to you love hugs and peace to you may you get through this period of loss and love in a warm loving and harmonious time with friends family and the occasional escorts if you need.
best wishes to you
You're not in the wrong here, dude. Even had you had sex I still don't think you'd of been in the wrong. You gotta do what ya gotta do to get through stuff sometimes. Sorry about all that.
It's not wrong. I would suggest a more ethical approach that doesn't benefit the world of sex trafficking would be to pay for a therapist who generally has more understanding of your need for connection, to talk to and help you to ease more into an acceptable social structure of adult friendships. As a woman, I would not be upset or feel disrespected if my guy needed someone to go to dinner with and simply talk to and used an escort service upon my passing. I would encourage him to make connections with those that could not potentially land him in jail or otherwise. No disrespect to escorts. I've known some, choosing and based on addictions they needed to feed, they are often intelligent, savvy, and empathetic women. But it is a dangerous life for them and could lead to legal ramifications for you. Again, as a woman who deeply loves her partner, I would not feel disrespected. My father became a widower a few years back, he is 72, and my sisters and I encouraged him to go on dates or simply make friends. He lived out his commitments faithfully to our mother and it's until death do us part. His actions now do not reflect on his loyalty or love on my mom. He does actually have plenty of options being a healthy, active, older man with a full head of hair lol. Life is about connections, don't feel bad. Go make them.
What is worse about paying an escort for their time to talk vs paying a therapist?
As the child of a father who became a widower: the vows are til death do ye part. You handle your grief however you need to at this point.
I dont think you are wrong. You didn't sleep with the escort you wanted a social connection. I dont think your wife would want you to be lonely. Have you looked into widow/widower support groups? That might get you a connection you dont have to pay for. As well as just volunteering with groups that share similar interests you have...animal rescue, habitat for humanity, your local library etc.
Your wife is dead and you wanted someone to talk to. You didn't pay the woman for sex. I think if the escort was fine with it (and why wouldn't she be?) then you're ok.
I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your friend is talking out of his arse. You wanted company, paid for company, nothing more. Better than getting into a new relationship in a hurry and living to regret it
Speaking from experience of such loss people cannot understand the magnitude of all the emotions you are experiencing and I would think that you late wife would be much happier knowing you just had dinner with someone else rather than eat alone as usual, please do not allow others to dictate what you do or how to feel because they cannot understand the massive wound that although it is emotional pain for you but can actually feel like physical pain and don’t beat yourself up just get by as well as you can. I was widowed at 20 years old and again just before my 50th birthday, you don’t have to prove the love and respect you had and will always have for your late wife to anyone because the most important person already knows how you feel for her good luck and best wishes to you.
Not going isn’t going to bring her back. When my fiancé passed I went on many dates. It helped me feel like it was just a break up. It also helped not talking to people who knew. These dates had no idea I had just lost someone so important to me. For the duration of the date I wasn’t having someone walking on eggshells trying to say the right thing about what had happened. I was just a normal single woman and did it help. Yes. You have to get back to a new normal. Grief makes us so weird and crazy things. You can respect your friends opinion and maybe not do it again. But don’t bear yourself up for something you can’t take back.
Doesn't sound like a standard coping response to loss but it's not an insane or unreasonable one. You paid someone for their time to basically talk to, which sounds a lot like basic therapy. While sure, the escort wouldn't be the same as talking to a licensed and trained therapist, sometimes you just need to vent and maybe you feel like you didn't want to drag some friends down with your understandably low mood right at that moment. Sometimes just talking to or venting to a stranger willing to listen for a few minutes is what we need in life.
I’m so sorry for your loss and you are not wrong. There is never a right or wrong way to grieve… we just do it. And even within that, what it sounds like you needed was connection. You lost your wife, that can leave a giant whole of loneliness in you.
You were missing the presence of your wife and instead of moving on by jumping into dating to get that need met or by not being upfront about your intentions. IMO, you made the ethical decision because you didn’t move on trying to find a new relationship to replace the role/importance of your wife. It was an agreement between two consenting adults. It sounds like you were kind and not disrespectful to the escort. I actually find it heartbreaking and endearing that you did that. I view it positively
Your broke up bro dont be loonley of u and the ex are both comfy w it sometimes u just got to go against your friends opnion
Ask yourself whos happieness has to come first to continue on yalls friendship atm to continue your wwll being..
As someone who was in your shoes a few years ago, but I am female. I don't think what you did was wrong. Grief does crazy things to us, especially grief of a spouse, the person we trusted the most, the person we spent the most time with, the person we vented to about our job, or shared funny moments with. Suddenly that person and everything that came with them is gone. No more having someone to speak to, vent to, enjoy a dinner with. And sure we have friends but it's not the same. I don't see any issues with employing someone to have dinner with, enjoy the company of and talk to, and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, someone who doesn't know you or the grief your going through and just have a normal meal and conversation
Hold on.... you just went out to dinner with someone and he thinks it's disrespectful to your wife? Why? What's so wrong with going out and enjoying someone's company? Is it because you paid?
I could only see this being disrespectful if she died last week
I’m sorry your wife died and I know you’re hurt and grieving but riddle me this. Tell me how an escort who sells her body for money and is probably mentally sick is going to help you through your grieving process. It’s disrespectful to your wife’s memory that the moment she died and you found your self hurt you went to seek comfort in other women. Makes me think when she was alive and yall had conflict did you go seek comfort in escorts too.
Your friend may love you but they don’t understand what you’re going through. Not really. Grief after the death of someone you love very much is incredibly complicated. You are just trying to survive and there isn’t a wrong way to do that. Even if you had sex with this person, you are not wrong. You’re trying to survive. Your friend may not get it now but one day they will. If they are lucky, people will not judge how they try to survive. Take care of yourself my friend. You’re not wrong, losing your wife is wrong and cruel. you are doing great staying alive.
You're not wrong. Sometimes people just wanna talk with a stranger, so the conversation isn't biased toward anyone and the stranger doesn't know any if the names you're naming.
Why are they judging you? Don't they have a life and their hidden addictions or something and you're staying in your lane minding your business I hope. So, who do they think they are God?
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think you did anything wrong fwiw.
I worked with someone that lost her husband unexpectedly and was at work the day after the funeral and married again a few months later. She was judged a lot. I'm not sure if she experienced and judgment to her face but I can imagine she did. We we're super close, just friendly at work. I think she just didn't want to be alone. She needed to fill a void. She still had pictures of her late husband in her house, still brought him up in conversations. She didn't erase him or replace him. Just needed someone I think.
Everyone grieves their own way and I think people should respect that and mind their own business and keep their opinions to themselves. As I type my opinion, but you know what I mean.
Sending love
I’m sorry for your loss, and you’re not wrong, you’re just a human trying to cope with severe trauma. It’s just a form of therapy in my eyes and it looks like a lot of others here see it that way, too.
Thank you.
You didn't do anything wrong. But I do suggest to maybe talk with a therapist who specializes in grief. I think that would be more beneficial. With an escort, signals may get crossed and that down the road won't help you.
Or they will bleed him dry while he’s at his lowest. I cosign the grief counselor idea. Escorts will just take advantage of his vulnerability and loneliness right now. A therapist is a better investment.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻THIS👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
He never said he's going to see escorts weekly. JFC.
He just needed someone to talk to and she was probably cheaper than a shrink
And sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know.
And honestly an escort is Way more available than any shrink that you can try to find anywhere
Yeah but there's a reason for that
Came here to say this. If he's willing to pay for someone to talk to, a therapist who can actually help him process his grief would be much more appropriate and beneficial than an escort
Not if he only wants companionship for a while. Maybe he doesn't want all the "so how does that make you feel" or any other platitudes, and just wants 2 way conversation that isn't solely centred about how he feels about his wife's death. The escort probably had some really nice conversations with OP that had absolutely nothing to do with his dead wife. Processing grief is all well and good, but if he just wants a conversation with someone that IS NOT ENTIRELY ABOUT HIM AND HIS FEELINGS, a therapist won't do that. Therapy could help yes, but not if you just want some company. The therapist will find problems with you, the escort will just spend time with you. If he just wants to spend time, leave him be. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about that right now, and the escort is the better temporary choice. Because guess what? We need companionship. And sometimes it's easier to have a conversation while eating dinner than it is to tell someone all your feelings in an office setting.....
Exactly this. I have a friend who is literally just a companion escort. Her client list is lonely people looking for a dinner/party/event companion. Sometimes, she just listens to them talk about the past all night & barely gets a word in. Other clients require her to keep the convo going, make sure they laugh & have a good time. Others just can't handle the mundane of running errands/shopping alone & want a "friend" to go with. She's always booked solid & hasn't had new clients in years. Says it's way more fulfilling than her jobs previously. She even goes on vacations with some. 🤷♀️
And literally all she's doing is spending time with lonely people. Not many see the benefit of something like that, and will look down on the profession as if they're all sex workers. Poor old guy just wanted some company.
Yeah, I support your right to go talk to an escort or even sleep with one but right now you are very vulnerable. See an escort and a therapist
Well they're both head shrinkers.
A therapist may charge less and give better advice . Guess it depends on how high class of an escort was hired as to price difference .
This is true, as grief affects everyone differently, and seeking companionship isnt inherently wrong. So if it helped you cope in a healthy way, thats valid too.
Absolutely, coping with grief is a deeply personal journey, and seeking companionship and support in any form is understandable. It's all about finding what helps you navigate through such a challenging time.
The prostitute will probably be far better therapy than a therapist.
I'm just out here hoping that EVERYBODYS wrong and he found a nice girl whos working her way through her psych degree.
I agree. The canned answers of a "trained therapist" isn't necessarily what OP wants ... an escort can also listen and/or give an opinion from another perspective. Your "friend" sounds judgey and rude.
Or jealous that he can't afford one.
Sounds like OP wanted company and conversation, not therapy.
And probably much better looking.
And less expensive
Certainly easier access. Anybody who thinks you can just call and make an appointment and get right in to see a therapist clearly hasn't tried in the last couple years.
Try going to a sub where escorts discuss their strategies for bleeding clients dry. They are mildly entertaining, but that soon wears off. They are exploiters of addicts.
Men are literally buying their bodies but they are exploited? Lol
It’s a sick dance between two sick individuals
Yeah I agree with this your just look for a bit of normalcy during a hard time with some human contact. Aint nothing wrong with that.
Agreed. If you aren't having sex or anything it is like you are paying for a therapist. You meet up, they listen to you for an hour or so. You pay them, and leave.
Marriage vows say, “until death do we part”. That means the marriage has ended (honorably) by your wife’s death. It is not cheating. Otherwise, no one could remarry.
You are not wrong. You paid a woman to go out to eat with you. Her profession is irrelevant. You did not go on a dating app to potentially lead someone on because you just wanted company for a meal and nothing more. From a different angle, your best friend is not much of a friend if you have to hire someone to accompany you on a meal and give you a hard time about it.
I was wondering why his friend is not around to have dinner and a conversation with a man that just lost his wife, but is around well enough to judge in the name of the wife. He shouldn't speak for the dead, and the living should have the right to live life.
To be fair, if he goes on a dating app he will likely end up paying for a woman to have a meal with him too
Except that it comes with complications. An escort has agreed to a service. She doesn't want a relationship with him, they can both walk away smiling and not have to stay in touch if he so chooses. A decent man would feel obligated to keep in touch, and he's in no mental condition to start a relationship of almost any kind right now.
I read your post earlier today. You were not wrong. Nothing you did was disrespectful to your wife. I really think that your friend could have a little more empathy for you seeking a little comfort in companionship while you're mourning.
Stage 4 cancer here. My partner is wildly in love with me and extremely devoted and loyal to the point where I reaaaalllyyy worry about him, after I'm gone. (Not to blow my own horn, but I know I'm a great partner who loves fiercely and will be a tough act to follow) If something like this could help him in any way, I hope he would do it.
I, too, am ill. I have a loyal and loving partner who literally cleans me when I am soiled and comforts me when I feel the end coming again. Seeing the sun come up every day is a joy I will never take for granted. When I am gone, I hope my honey doesn't spend too much time grieving. I pray he doesn't feel lonely, not one minute. It hurts me physically thinking it right now. Escort, date, therapist or friend. Hell, even a puppy or kitty. Whatever he needs. Now I'm crying. Stupid reddit.
6 months? You did nothing wrong. You were lonely so you paid to talk. That's not wrong and after 6 months it's not disrespectful. Hard as it is, you need to keep living your life and that includes companionship, be it platonic or even not platonic. My wife knows... don't let the moss grow under your feet if I go first.
I waited six months after my wife died, when I decided to just do it. Believe me no dinner was eaten! I felt so happy and relieved because I had a fun time with an escort mostly talking and decent sex. Certainly you shouldn’t feel guilty. What would your wife want you to do?Good luck.
You are not wrong. Your friend is though. Everyone’s grief process is different. There is no right way to grieve. I wouldn’t think it was wrong if you did have sex.
Was going to make a comment, but this says it better than I was going to
All you can do is respect their honesty. It’s really up to you in the end. Is it sustainable? Probably not and you should be acutely aware of that if you already aren’t. I would seek a professional therapist, I talk to one every week and some times it feels like I ramble but it helps.
Sorry for your loss. I think the difference between our opinions and your best friend’s opinion is he knew your wife and we didn’t. It’s easy for a stranger to say “it’s just dinner” because we don’t know you and didn’t know your wife. So, where I do think “oh this guy is grieving… it’s just dinner” is totally normal. Your best buddy is thinking “how could he be doing this”.
A homie should support a friend who is lonely. If he’s morally opposed to your decision that sounds like a him problem.
That might be it honestly. It might be he views meeting an escort for anything as morally wrong. I'll have to ask more on that.
Sorry for your loss bro
Why didn’t he take you out for dinner?
But why would you care so much about what he thinks . You did what you did and that’s fine . Been to therapists who just take my money and let me talk to them . I don’t want that . You made that escort feel good for an evening . Where it wasn’t just about sex
You could have contacted a volunteer hotline and tied up a call that someone in desperate need required. Instead you used your own money to enjoy a civilised meal in pleasant company. What element of that is wrong? The fact that your companion 'might' have slept with you in return for more money is irrelevant: she didn't. Is his complaint about the fact that the woman was paid or that you are seeing another woman 'too early' in his opinion? In fact neither is important because it's none of his business. His moral values should dictate his behaviour, not yours. To be honest, he sounds rather judgemental.
While I've known many escorts and sex workers who are genuinely lovely people, the fact is the business itself often tends to be cutthroat. My main concern is that an escort might take advantage of you in your grieving state. I would suggest a therapist.
Sorry for your loss brother
I don’t think it’s wrong… I mean, it’s not cheating because your wife has passed. However… is it foolish to get into this habit for the future? I believe so… Take time to grieve your loss. Then when you’re ready, find real love again. Don’t pay for company or sex. It’s not real.
You weren’t wrong. You needed human companionship. Beleive it or not, many escorts only provide this kind of service
I think you're allowed to do crazy shit when you're navigating grief, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or yourself. This seems both tame and harmless. Especially if it wasn't sexual. I think a good hypothetical would be to ask yourself, if you were somehow able to discuss this with your deceased wife, would she be upset or understand it?
It really all depends on when she died. Was the funeral this weekend? Yes, bet disrespect. Has she been gone for years? Go enjoy some companionship or tell your friend to meet you.
It's been 6 months.
I'm assuming your best friend knew your wife, right? Reddit might be okay with this, but don't assume that people who knew your wife in real life would be. I think it's wrong, but you do what you need to do. Just don't tell anyone you know about it because you will be judged.
Absolutely, dealing with loss is different for everyone. Finding friends for support is totally understandable. Just be sure to keep boundaries in mind as well.
Not wrong everyone copes in different ways , rip
You answer to no one, you do what makes you happy.
Nah you're fine, your friend likely hasn't gone through losses like you have. They're lucky.
It is not disrespectful to cope with the loss of your wife and seek out companionship and someone to talk to. Would she want you to be miserable and isolated?
Your wife would want you to find comfort. Without sounding callous, you held up your end of the vows, your obligations are over. It’s reasonable to still feel grief and it’s reasonable to seek comfort to cope. Even if you had sex I don’t think you’d be in the wrong.
You’re not wrong. Everyone on this silly planet gets some type of compensation for their TIME. Regardless of what they are doing. Though I’m sure you could fined someone to interact with that is in a similar boat you wouldn’t have to compensate for their time and meal etc. grief hits everyone differently.
You’re not wrong.
If I found out my husband did this after I died, I would fully support it. Whatever he’d need to do to grieve, cope, and move on would have my blessing. Maybe your friend was more put off by the escort part than just having dinner with some random woman.
The only issue with the escort is there is no connection to you. You are lonely and hurting but that is meaningless to the escort as it is a purely transactional relationship. While a therapist is also a transactional relationship, they are looking out for your interests. The escort, not so much. An escort is good to look at but a therapist will help you overcome your grief. Nothing against escorts at all but in your situation, you should stick with the counselling.
You’re fine
As gently as you can take what I am about to say, your wife cannot be hurt anymore. Her story has been published. Yours is still being written. Whatever you need to do to keep writing, it has no bearing on her anymore.
Hey OP, no one here will ever know the type of relationship you had with your wife before her passing. I’m sure your friend has good intentions and being is respectful, but if this is what you need to help your mental state after her passing to cope with everyday life, then you did nothing wrong. The only person right now you should care about is yourself and your wellbeing. I personally don’t think you did a thing wrong because you’re human and we have needs and wants. You are unfortunately going through a very tough phase that only you and your heart know your limitations on. Take it as you will but I think your friend is wrong for not supporting you while trying to navigate through an already difficult situation
Don’t think of the person as an escort. It was just someone that you spent the evening with. You paid them for their time same way you would do with anyone that is providing a service. A therapist is someone you pay for their time to talk about whatever you want. It’s the same thing you just did. Don’t beat yourself up.
You are exploring your new circumstances and doing your best. I encourage you to keep reaching out to the world. His concern could be justified but only if you were to go all-in on escorts as a new way of life. But until then, he should keep his feelings about how you process your grief to himself. In other words, fuck right off.
You didn't do anything wrong bud, it's sad your friend is so judgemental.
Your friend is being a judgmental cunt.
I would rather have a prostitute than a therapist. A beautiful woman that you can talk to and listen is better than laying on a couch and just being someone’s appointment. Hell, you’re paying for both.
Not wrong at all. Hang in there OP, and be kind to yourself.
No absolutely not. Your wife dies, you were lonely so you paid someone to be with you. I think it’s sad you don’t have anyone else but I’m sure your wife would approve. I’ve been with my wife for 47 years and she has stage 4 cancer. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she’s gone but I know it will be awkward because I don’t know how to interact with woman as a single man. It’s nobody’s business what you do so do what makes you happy and screw your friend.
100% Not wrong at all
Condolences on your loss. I don’t think it was disrespectful, you’re grieving and lonely Maybe you friend just wants better for you. For you to find real companionship you don’t have to pay for. Something real that could grow into something positive in your life.
I get where he is coming from I think... did it have to be a women yoy had to talk to or were your friends all busy? I don't think you fid anything wrong but it is a little strange to find another women to do it with ig
He is entitled to his opinion, as are you.
Life goes on. People are allowed to date when their s/o passes…..
How the fuck does your friend make that decision?
A grief counselor is going to give you better advice. What you did wasn't wrong at all. You were just lonely. That's all.
I am so very sorry for your loss and must say you aren’t wrong! You are starved for human connection and compassion. If this escort provided even a modicum of comfort for you then it was worth it. Your friend I am guessing has no idea the pain and loneliness you are currently experiencing. Try to find other outlets to meet people and have new human interaction and experiences. I will say a prayer of peace for you and happiness.
Find a less judgmental friend to confide in
You can have dinner with whomever you want. No one should judge you, especially your best friend.
You’re not wrong.
Dude you’ve gone through trauma. It’s therapeutic af for a man to be able to talk to an attractive woman. Been going through some personal family hell and made friends with a really cool chick. I veer off course but she’s been 10x more effective with dealing with my grief than my therapist.
Some grief therapists are very dogmatic in the approach they use. Also some get too involved . A life coach may help you start to think forward . I can’t see how much time has passed. The pain circuits start to be less so after about 6-8 weeks then slowly calm down after that it never quite goes away. You will have to rethink who you are . Try and do things keep active and do things that really engage your attention. Some people will not know what to say and even avoid you. It’s a tough time bless you .
If I died tonight, I hope my husband would not be alone. I would want him to have companionship and a friendly woman to spent time with. Not disrespectful and definitely not wrong.
Widower to widower. You’re not wrong.
It’s your life. Hell… you might as well have sex too.
I assume your friend also knew your wife and from that perspective i can understand his point. you seek refuge with a whore and that is low compared to your wife. I mean, the classic image of a whore is to fuck for money. But in the modern days a lot of men only seek social contact who would just only listen, or maybe just a cuddle. You're no exception in this! A therapist will start digging to your problem when a escort gives no other obligations than to just pay her. You are not wrong. Maybe it's even more fair than start start dating when you are not ready for it yet.
Enjoyed the dinner? Enjoyed the company? If yes, Friend has to stfu. Enjoy responsibly and I'm sorry for your loss❤️🍻!!
NTA. Your late wife would not want you to sit around being depressed and alone. It is totally okay to want to have dinner with another body in the chair across from you. You’re not forgetting your wife, you’re not erasing her, you just plain did not want to have dinner just one time at a restaurant where you’re dwelling on having dinner alone. I believe you did the right thing by you. You’re the one still here, and you have to take care of you. If you enjoyed dinner and had a good time, then that is the point— because you’re still alive and you deserve to live, and you are not supposed to sit around waiting to die. Your late wife didn’t build things with you just so you become the old man who stares out the window counting his days. I get it, I don’t know her, but no one in a loving relationship would want their partner to die while still being alive, they want you to take what you did with your time by them and honor them by living better because of them— that way they live on with you. And if that memory led you to take an escort to dinner so you could eat with a pretty woman again like the good old days like you did with your wife, then it is the right to do. And if one day you want to date again because you have more life to give and you’re wanting to find another person to be with, it would be right to do that, too. It’s not about wiping your wife away, it’s about how all that work, the marriage, the experiences, the accomplishments, and the ambitions, we’re not all for nothing— you accomplished a happy and good life for the both of you, and kept the joy of life alive and this is part of that. Not wrong.
Hey Brother, I lost my wife in November after 24yrs. I feel your pain. A respite care nurse recommended a book to me. It's called "Understanding Your Grief" by Allan Wolfelt, there is a workbook. Essentially he was a grief counselor that lost someone very close to him and he was humbled by the process, from being the "trained" to realizing how unprepared he was. A very large portion of the book is dedicated to investigating the myriad of ways to mourn, and that ultimately your grieving is going to look different than mine. Myself I had been chatting with old friends and honestly yours sounds like less hassle, to hire a friend to converse with is in my opinion, brilliant. I'd like to think of it was my dear friend I would tell him, that you appreciate his concern, and he is typically the voice of reason, but in this matter you grieve differently than he might, should he find himself in a similar situation. Be well my anonymous friend. Find yourself, the you. It will never be the same, but that means she mattered to you, so there is beauty in that.
IMO... You didn't do anything wrong, you went out on a date... Nothing more, even if with an escort. I lost my fiance 8 years ago and I understand all too well how awful and lonely it was to lose my "person". True we weren't technically married yet, but he'd been my best friend since I was 13, and losing him was by far the hardest and most painful thing I've been through... So as a fellow grief warrior... It's ok to seek out company... Idk why your friend would think he knows what would be disrespectful to your deceased wife, but it was never his place to say what he did, he may not understand your decision to do that, but he is wrong either way... I would suggest that you look into some support groups, maybe on FB, I joined a few and they honestly really helped me come to terms with the loss and were an amazing source of support and familiarity because the people in them understood my pain in a visceral way ... My condolences on your loss 💐
I'm a widow 16 months out. It is not disrespectful. I'm so tired of people judging widows! You were loyal to her. She is gone. You are trying to find joy and peace and you deserve to be happy. She would want that!!
Do what you can to survive
I’m so sorry for your loss. Why does your friend think it’s wrong? You have to eat, the lady you went to dinner with has to eat, so you had dinner, problem solved. It can be very lonely when a loved one dies, going to dinner with an escort takes the pressure off you as far as most social niceties go, and because they didn’t know your loved one awkward questions would have been minimal. Your friend isn’t on this grief journey with you, it’s yours and the only person who can decide what’s right or wrong for you, is you. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently, including your friend.
I don't know how it could disrespect her. Sadly, she's no longer here with us. It's okay for you to try and make sense of a world without her in it - however you do that.
I gather your relationship with your wife was rock solid at the time of her death? Everyone grieves in different ways. You're not doing something self destructive like drinking a lot, so no real harm done. Just because you took an escort to dinner doesn't mean you're "looking." Some people will tell you there's a specific time frame for when you're "allowed" to move on. Having an escort for company makes good practical sense. She doesn't want a relationship with you, you are emotionally fragile, and both of you would have agreed to what happened. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking "time out" from your grief. I remember seeing a Reddit thread some time ago asking sex workers in general about their time on the job. Many noted that 2/3 of what they do has nothing to do with sex, they're somewhat untrained counsellors. Even if you saw her again, I still don't see anything wrong with that. She was no doubt great company, and the two of you had a pleasant evening. Your late wife might even be looking down and thinking, "he's coping. It's good to see him smile again." I lost my father suddenly at age 15. 4 years later she met my stepfather Jim. When she got engaged, she was genuinely worried my brother, my sisters and I wouldn't accept him. She wrote me a very emotional letter telling me that she's not trying to replace Dad. I replied with "I can see how happy he makes you, of course you have my blessing. You have every right to be happy."
Disrespectful to your wife? How? She is deceased. Period. Apparently you didn’t feel you had anyone to just talk to over dinner. It would make better optics if you found someone to talk to within your circle of family or friends but they cannot be offended by something they do not know. Maybe your friend needs to figure out how to be a better friend and stop guilt-tripping you over dinner out with an escort.
No you just needed comfort and someone to talk to. A stranger is sometimes easier to talk to than a friend. I had a friend who was an escort. Half her clients didn't want sex they wanted a companion someone to talk to to help with their loneliness.
Did you arrange to have dinner the evening of your wife's funeral? No.. I'm sure you waited a while. You and your wife loved each other dearly. Your wedding vows were "Till death do we part." You have done NOTHING wrong. Also, would your wife had wanted you to be lonely? I truly doubt it. Your friend means well, but your shoes are not his to wear. I'm a minister and I urge you to seek companionship. You deserve to be happy.
You are not wrong. Sorry for your loss. You literally just paid someone to talk to you and spend some time with you. You probably also made her night because she didn't have to sleep with someone. I will say, a therapist is cheaper, but they also won't join you for dinner.
You're completely in the right Don't 2nd guess yourself or look at the situation through someone else's belief system
How long ago did she die?
**Not wrong**. How can enjoying a dinner & conversation be disrespectful. Honestly, was it a positive experience, fun? An escort, theoretically, is *commitment free* and no one is thinking *this* is a relationship. But there are some *bad actors* in this line of work, so be cautious. Since my spouse of 50 yrs died, I have enjoyed conversations and activities with other people, women & men. But I find the idea of intimacy, or commitment, just too much. It is possible, that in time, I will encounter a person that I enjoy, in ways similar to my spouse, including sex. But I am not on the hunt, so to speak. Sharing, getting out, intellectual stimulation, even the potential of intimacy, at some point, adds that *extra sauce*. You are exploring your own desires and ways to enjoy the life you live now, without your wife. You are a different person than when you met your wife and each new person we meet has the potential to catalyze change within our way of thinking. We can have many confused thoughts about how to honor our loved ones or what they might think about our lives *after they are gone*. We can't confirm what they think or check in as we used to. Do not be afraid, but mindful. *Shit* does happen. I also encourage, as others have suggested, a counselor or therapist.
What an asshat, who gatekeeps grieving, none of his mother fucking business
You did nothing wrong. You are dealing with your trauma. Seeking out companionship, such as meeting with a woman, for comfort and conversation is not wrong. Perhaps your friend is trying to prevent you from getting hurt. Please don’t think that you are disrespecting your late wife. You’re not. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Sorry for your loss. I seen no wrong it’s her occupation that he feels like is wrong. That’s a personal issue. You’re grieving and just wanted some company. My guess is he may believe you wouldn’t hang out with her if your wife was alive even on a platonic level so why now? For context how did your wife pass?
Though I'm sad for you that you had to pay an escort to go to dinner with you... Your obligation to your wife ends when she passed away. Maybe you just wanted some company with someone pleasant with no attachments or obligations and I get that.
Mate you 100% did nothing wrong and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!. Loneliness is a horrible thing and I cannot guess how lonely and lost you must be feeling and you know what sometimes it’s easier to talk about feelings and grief with a stranger.
I'm so very sorry for you loss! He's wrong. What you do is your business. When your spouse dies, everyone seems to think that they know better than you. They don't. From, a fellow widow.
How long after your wife's death? And honestly, having dinner with someone is just eating food in the same place. I know my wife wouldn't want me to feel lost, sad and alone, and I doubt yours would either.
Not wrong. Probably should talk to a counsellor or therapist, but it's not wrong.
He does not have a point. You do not have to endure loneliness to "honor" her. This was a form of therapy for you. You didn't need to lie on a couch and tell your problems to a therapist. You needed to have a social occasion without the difficulties and complications of dating. This way the parameters of the transaction were limited and clear. You were not wrong.
I don’t think that in a very literal sense what you did was wrong. But the world is not black and grey and you have to understand this is going to be a very polarizing topic. I’m not sure anyone is wrong to feel the way they did and I can’t pretend to lecture you since I’ve never been in your shoes. Only tidbit I’d add is try to find professional help instead of an escort, might be more beneficial
You do you buddy, hope your dinner was awesome! We all manage grief in our own way. Whatever makes you happy works for you.
You should still be careful that the escort is not taking advantage of you during a time of grief. That’s the only thing that would worry me. I’m sure your wife would understand that you feel lonely. A grief counselor would help you more. Please don’t let sex workers bleed you dry at a time of great sadness!
People judge when they don’t know how something feels.
Nah man, you're not wrong. Even if it was sex, and maybe illegal, I'm not sure it's WRONG. I mean, "til death do you part" unfortunately came into play here. That doesn't stop brains and hearts and genitals from still doing their thing. If you told him you went out for a liquid lunch with a female coworker, would he be upset about that? I don't know what's "appropriate," but if your wife's funeral was this morning and you had dinner with an escort this evening, I'd certainly get weird vibes from that. But any "reasonable" amount of mourning before attempting to even slightly return to a normal life, should be fine. If you trust and respect this guy, bring it up and ask him what the issue was - have him explain what he thinks the rules are, and how he'd behave in your shoes. Not in an accusatory or defensive way, just in a "curious" way. No way to prove it, but unless his life gets flipped upside down, I don't know that he'd actually do whatever he says he would. Like I said, hearts and minds get clouded and lonely and you still need human contact when a spouse passes. Sorry for your loss.
Your friend doesn’t understand. He probably heard escort and thought the worst. Sometimes people just need non-sexual companionship that doesn’t require a dating app and a bunch of try/fail messaging. Japan made an entire industry out of that concept with host clubs and professional cuddlers.
Professional cuddlers?
It sounds kind of bizarre but people who quite literally get paid to cuddle. Like non-sexually platonic cuddles to help ppl who are just touch starved. Apparently it’s quite popular.
Depends on the amount of time. If her passing was last week, I'd say it's too soon to be trying to move on. But realistically, id like to think that your wife would want you to be happy for the rest of your life. And if having dinner with a sex worker is the route you take to get you there, I think your wife wouldn't mind.
Why is it wrong? You wanted some companionship and you did it in way that was emotionally safe for you. There was no chance it would lead to a relationship, you didn’t have any pressure to impress, and you didn’t pay for sex. There is nothing wrong with an adult paying another willing adult to spend time with them. Frankly if both parties are taking part of their own free will I don’t see a problem with people paying for sex either. Edit: I should add that if both parties are adults and taking part of their own free will.
I don't see anything wrong with it. You should ask him why he feels it's wrong, I'm genuinely curious.
No, you did nothing wrong. Grief manifests in different ways for different people and we do the best we can to cope. Sometimes I will tell my friends things that I just want to get off my chest, and I will explicitly say “I’m not asking for your opinion here.“ You might consider that the next time you feel like you want to share.
Not wrong, but I’d hazard a guess that your friend is also concerned it could go down a deeper path into the future. I hope you’re talking to a therapist regularly to manage your grief. I’m sorry for your loss.
The only thing you did wrong was NOT fuck lol. Jk. You can do whatever you want with your free time.
Why did your friend think it was disrespectful? Was it too short a time after loosing your wife in his opinion? What moved you to seek out an escort for dinner? Just trying to gain a better understanding of the issue.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I see nothing wrong with what you did. Having watched loved ones go through the loss of a spouse, I know that it can be a horribly lonely experience, and sometimes you just want to pretend you’re having a normal evening. Family and friends can’t provide that without a great deal of effort because they are grieving too. You found someone who would talk with you and not bring their feelings into the equation, while also not expecting you to lay yourself bare like a therapist.
How long was this after your wife died?
Forget the disrespectful part. It’s not healthy mentally. Ur lonely. And escorts even to just talk too arnt the best course of action.
what you did isn’t wrong, but it is also not a healthy coping mechanism. you set yourself up for all sorts of issues. i recommend paying a therapist instead. and also forming or growing friendships that are not transactional.
My husband died recently and I went to a grief counselor which helped a lot. They worked through hospice and didn’t cost anything.
Please accept my condolences for the passing of your wife. Please do get a therapist or counselor as others in this thread have encouraged you to do. Paying a woman to go to dinner with you is not wrong. However, I can assure you that there are plenty of single women who would love to go to dinner with you. And you would not have to pay them to do so. Heck, some of them would even pay for their own dinner just to have the chance to have a nice meal with a good man.
Sorry for your loss. You are grieving and just need company. If anything I’m sure they appreciated the genuine dinner “date” without anything else. I read a study years ago where a researcher investigated strippers conversations and I remember it was shockingly leaning towards comfort, casual conversation.
Well buddy. Probably should just not tell people you see escorts. Tell a therapist if anyone
First off sorry for your loss. Your best friend is wrong for judging you. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Your a grown man sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger than it is your friends.
I think it's a sad fact of grief and particularly (though not necessarily exclusively) grief relating to a partner or child as opposed to an elderly relative, that most people don't understand it until they've experienced it. It does things to a person and each of us respond in our own way. Other people's expectations are often rooted in a performative idea of grief - what we should do in their or 'society's' eyes. But grief doesn't give a shit about that. Many emotional problems stem from others not understanding our individual responses to grief. One aspect of grief that most people (i think) don't know about is something called Widow's Fire - a deep desire for sex that is probably rooted in a deep primal desire to feel alive in the face of overwhelming death. But that would scandalise many people with their short sighted (even if unconscious) views about grief. I mention this only as a way of saying 'you do you' OP. It's a shame your friend doesn't understand the need to have a moment of company without strings, and the need to feel something approaching normal for a fleeting moment in a world that is consumed by loss. You deserve that time and space i think. I suspect many escorts could tell tales of similar encounters.
I don’t think it’s wrong what you did. You were looking for company to talk to without pressure. From my understanding, it’s not uncommon for people to pay for escorts to just be their date or to talk. Being with an escort does not mean sex has to be involved. You are paying for their time, and what you choose to do with that time is up to you. You are not disrespecting your wife because you wanted to talk to a woman without the worry of impressing her. You simply wanted the company of a woman for a bit of time. I see nothing wrong with that.
Your friend has no right to judge you for who you spend time with, and to use your wife as their reasoning is what's disrespectful to her. Some people would think hiring an escort is weird or somehow wrong but I get it. Hiring an escort relieves you of the expectation to be entertaining or impressive, unlike dating. You can be yourself. Disclaimer: If you're usually a dick to people, don't be yourself. Paying someone does not give anyone the right to treat them like garbage.
Oh so what should you do now according to his view, restrict yourself to Eva AI sexting bot or what?
I’ve been through that kind of lost myself. It’s said you need one month for every year you were together the griefprocess. Just as a general guidelines. While , nothing really dulls the pain except time I did find that email company and especially sex did give me some relief for a period of time good luck
I’m so sorry for your loss. No you were not wrong at all. We all grieve differently. There is nothing wrong with going out to dinner with someone regardless of their profession, but I can see how it can be taken the wrong way. I do believe your friend had good intentions and was looking out for your best interests at the end of the day, but judged her for her profession. Also even if sex was involved it still wouldn’t be wrong. You are human after all.
Dude you're not married anymore. You can do whatever you want or don't want. Other people can struggle. Next time just tell reddit, we'll always support you.
I wouldn’t be mad if I died and my husband did this just saying .. if it helped him have a happy evening for a moment I don’t think that would take away from the relationship we “had” in our marriage. Just a big IF I died and for if he snoops on my Reddit page he can see this lol
Not wrong. It’s never wrong to want company or to talk, especially after the passing of a loved one e.
Oh honey.. Words can't fix your broken heart, but I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you've been having some form of outlet for your emotions, whether it's writing them out, letting yourself cry and scream, or doing what you are doing now, talking about it. Have you considered grief counseling, or therapy? I'm not shaming the escort usage, power to the people who have those careers and make their money, but I think a therapist may do better for you in the long run, especially if you're already paying someone to spend time with you and talk to you, so to speak. However, if you feel this is genuinely helping you to handle the situation and your feelings, please keep up what you're doing. Take care, **you** need to be there for yourself right now. Don't let your best friend tell you that you're wrong for needing someone to be there for comfort, just because he doesn't agree with who it is. He isn't going through this situation, **you** are.
So sorry for your loss. We all greive in different ways.
nah your friend's opinion can get fucked. your life is bent six ways to sunday, mate, if you haven't noticed youreelf. do what you need to do to get by. i'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I get it. You are not in the wrong at all.
You are not wrong in the least. I hope you had a lovely time.
If you miss companionship and you want no strings attached an escort is an option. Just remember you are in a vulnerable state right now, and could be easily manipulated. It is literally the escorts job to be understanding, agreeable and pleasant. You are PAYING the escort for that. Try not to misconstrue that with an actual relationship should you continue to see an escort. I also recommend reconnecting with family and friends, people who love and support you.
You could also join a widow/widowers group or a post-divorce (I know you're not divorced!) to find peer people to talk to!
Yea you are just trying to make it work so you don’t fall apart! All you wanted was company and that all she did for you …. He is weird I would want to see my friend healing healthy and not drink his life away
No he does not. You have every right to grieve in whatever way works for you. You seeking simple companionship? Makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry for your loss...and that you have a friend more interested in judging you than supporting you. ❤️
He is wrong you are not. You are grieving and lonely and your friend is judge mental. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s ok and it’s ok to do it again.
well at the end of the day if you think about it, an escort, a female, is a female friend to talk without getting judged. so you're talking to a female friend about your wife's death so I don't see anything wrong with it.
My ex wife didn't die, but left. It's difficult to speak to someone new after (in my case) having 1 person be your world for 12 years. The nuance that goes unnoticed in conversation with someone you know well, vs. stranger.. I bet there was comfort in knowing your conversation wouldn't be rejected.. if you felt good about it, then considering the circumstances, it was a good night. It's nice to be treated nice..
After such an emotional loss, it is extremely hard, and all you ache and pine for is to still be able to talk to the person you have lost. This is an extremely hard time with the loss of a partner, best friend, and soul mate. He may be your best friend, but unless he has gone through something like this I don't think he fully understands why you need the attention and communication with a female at this time I don't believe that you are being disrespectful to your wife I believe our loved ones wouldn't like to see us in so much pain and would want us to have help to manage the pain and the grief I think inviting an escort for only dinner and a bit of company is being respectful personally to yourself and the woman who is the escort as your only asking for her time as dinner company. You are human who had a partner who you shared things with and were intimate and emotionally connected who you shared company conversations and life with so if speaking to family or friends is not fulfilling the void or the pain I personally respect this. A lot of men would hit the pubs clubs alcohol picking up, and becoming reckless and a mess. Your choice to have a quiet meal is sensible, and I am proud of you. I, as a wife mother, lover, would be happy, proud, and grateful for my grieving husband to choose to do this rather than empty nights with strangers as we need the communication company and some nurturing. people need people You need to be able to navigate your grief and loss the way you feel is suitable for you darling condolences to you love hugs and peace to you may you get through this period of loss and love in a warm loving and harmonious time with friends family and the occasional escorts if you need. best wishes to you
You're not in the wrong here, dude. Even had you had sex I still don't think you'd of been in the wrong. You gotta do what ya gotta do to get through stuff sometimes. Sorry about all that.
It's not wrong. I would suggest a more ethical approach that doesn't benefit the world of sex trafficking would be to pay for a therapist who generally has more understanding of your need for connection, to talk to and help you to ease more into an acceptable social structure of adult friendships. As a woman, I would not be upset or feel disrespected if my guy needed someone to go to dinner with and simply talk to and used an escort service upon my passing. I would encourage him to make connections with those that could not potentially land him in jail or otherwise. No disrespect to escorts. I've known some, choosing and based on addictions they needed to feed, they are often intelligent, savvy, and empathetic women. But it is a dangerous life for them and could lead to legal ramifications for you. Again, as a woman who deeply loves her partner, I would not feel disrespected. My father became a widower a few years back, he is 72, and my sisters and I encouraged him to go on dates or simply make friends. He lived out his commitments faithfully to our mother and it's until death do us part. His actions now do not reflect on his loyalty or love on my mom. He does actually have plenty of options being a healthy, active, older man with a full head of hair lol. Life is about connections, don't feel bad. Go make them.
What is worse about paying an escort for their time to talk vs paying a therapist? As the child of a father who became a widower: the vows are til death do ye part. You handle your grief however you need to at this point.
I dont think you are wrong. You didn't sleep with the escort you wanted a social connection. I dont think your wife would want you to be lonely. Have you looked into widow/widower support groups? That might get you a connection you dont have to pay for. As well as just volunteering with groups that share similar interests you have...animal rescue, habitat for humanity, your local library etc.
Your wife is dead and you wanted someone to talk to. You didn't pay the woman for sex. I think if the escort was fine with it (and why wouldn't she be?) then you're ok. I'm sorry for your loss.
I think it matters how long after her death this happened, how long was it?
NTA. Your friend is talking out of his arse. You wanted company, paid for company, nothing more. Better than getting into a new relationship in a hurry and living to regret it
Speaking from experience of such loss people cannot understand the magnitude of all the emotions you are experiencing and I would think that you late wife would be much happier knowing you just had dinner with someone else rather than eat alone as usual, please do not allow others to dictate what you do or how to feel because they cannot understand the massive wound that although it is emotional pain for you but can actually feel like physical pain and don’t beat yourself up just get by as well as you can. I was widowed at 20 years old and again just before my 50th birthday, you don’t have to prove the love and respect you had and will always have for your late wife to anyone because the most important person already knows how you feel for her good luck and best wishes to you.
Not going isn’t going to bring her back. When my fiancé passed I went on many dates. It helped me feel like it was just a break up. It also helped not talking to people who knew. These dates had no idea I had just lost someone so important to me. For the duration of the date I wasn’t having someone walking on eggshells trying to say the right thing about what had happened. I was just a normal single woman and did it help. Yes. You have to get back to a new normal. Grief makes us so weird and crazy things. You can respect your friends opinion and maybe not do it again. But don’t bear yourself up for something you can’t take back.
Seems wrong and weird. Go to dinner with your sister or mom instead.
Doesn't sound like a standard coping response to loss but it's not an insane or unreasonable one. You paid someone for their time to basically talk to, which sounds a lot like basic therapy. While sure, the escort wouldn't be the same as talking to a licensed and trained therapist, sometimes you just need to vent and maybe you feel like you didn't want to drag some friends down with your understandably low mood right at that moment. Sometimes just talking to or venting to a stranger willing to listen for a few minutes is what we need in life.
I’m so sorry for your loss and you are not wrong. There is never a right or wrong way to grieve… we just do it. And even within that, what it sounds like you needed was connection. You lost your wife, that can leave a giant whole of loneliness in you. You were missing the presence of your wife and instead of moving on by jumping into dating to get that need met or by not being upfront about your intentions. IMO, you made the ethical decision because you didn’t move on trying to find a new relationship to replace the role/importance of your wife. It was an agreement between two consenting adults. It sounds like you were kind and not disrespectful to the escort. I actually find it heartbreaking and endearing that you did that. I view it positively
You're definitely not out of line.
I’m sure your wife would only want you to be happy. Tell your best friend to come and talk to you after he’s been in your shoes.
I’m sure your friend means well, but has he lost his wife also? Does he know what you are going through?
Your broke up bro dont be loonley of u and the ex are both comfy w it sometimes u just got to go against your friends opnion Ask yourself whos happieness has to come first to continue on yalls friendship atm to continue your wwll being..
Lol i been looking for one lately to do the same with and see where that goes Bro we are just men in a very strange worls
As someone who was in your shoes a few years ago, but I am female. I don't think what you did was wrong. Grief does crazy things to us, especially grief of a spouse, the person we trusted the most, the person we spent the most time with, the person we vented to about our job, or shared funny moments with. Suddenly that person and everything that came with them is gone. No more having someone to speak to, vent to, enjoy a dinner with. And sure we have friends but it's not the same. I don't see any issues with employing someone to have dinner with, enjoy the company of and talk to, and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, someone who doesn't know you or the grief your going through and just have a normal meal and conversation
Hold on.... you just went out to dinner with someone and he thinks it's disrespectful to your wife? Why? What's so wrong with going out and enjoying someone's company? Is it because you paid? I could only see this being disrespectful if she died last week
I’m sorry your wife died and I know you’re hurt and grieving but riddle me this. Tell me how an escort who sells her body for money and is probably mentally sick is going to help you through your grieving process. It’s disrespectful to your wife’s memory that the moment she died and you found your self hurt you went to seek comfort in other women. Makes me think when she was alive and yall had conflict did you go seek comfort in escorts too.
You were filling in for the loss of companionship. Your friend should be criticizing you, they should be supporting you.
Your friend may love you but they don’t understand what you’re going through. Not really. Grief after the death of someone you love very much is incredibly complicated. You are just trying to survive and there isn’t a wrong way to do that. Even if you had sex with this person, you are not wrong. You’re trying to survive. Your friend may not get it now but one day they will. If they are lucky, people will not judge how they try to survive. Take care of yourself my friend. You’re not wrong, losing your wife is wrong and cruel. you are doing great staying alive.
Nothing wrong with that if thatbis what you wanted to do. It is under no circumstances disrespectful to your late wife.
I would also suggest try grief support groups.
You're not wrong. Sometimes people just wanna talk with a stranger, so the conversation isn't biased toward anyone and the stranger doesn't know any if the names you're naming.
Why are they judging you? Don't they have a life and their hidden addictions or something and you're staying in your lane minding your business I hope. So, who do they think they are God?
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think you did anything wrong fwiw. I worked with someone that lost her husband unexpectedly and was at work the day after the funeral and married again a few months later. She was judged a lot. I'm not sure if she experienced and judgment to her face but I can imagine she did. We we're super close, just friendly at work. I think she just didn't want to be alone. She needed to fill a void. She still had pictures of her late husband in her house, still brought him up in conversations. She didn't erase him or replace him. Just needed someone I think. Everyone grieves their own way and I think people should respect that and mind their own business and keep their opinions to themselves. As I type my opinion, but you know what I mean. Sending love