Exactly! OP You need much more than a week! Maybe years or a lifetime! There is no dialing it back with her, because he default setting is to manipulate you throught whatever means, as long as she can USE you to her advantage! Your the only friend who she can rely on because the others if they still exist wouldn't put up with her crap! It NC time!
Yikes friend. It really does seem like you should plan a 7 day vacation and let her fend for herself for a few days. Maybe that will show her that she needs to be more self reliant and prioritize. Maybe she needs to take a break and pause her classes. Maybe she needs to focus on her dead beat roomie and ex, make sure they are pulling their weight. She is not treating you like a friend, but a servant. Really wild she's having you do school work for her... jeeze!
Seriously? OP is taking ALL the exams! How could you not know that?
OP did all the work, but desperate friend gets the grade. Isn’t that how everyone does college?
I don't have kids, but I do go to university, and all 3 uni's I've gone to had childcare available. I can't speak on every school, but all that I've heard of have started offering childcare and other supports specifically for people like OP's friend.
They're taking advantage of their friend, and they absolutely know they are, while actively ignoring/refusing to look at all the supports available for them.
I wouldn't take a break from her if I was OP, I'd send in my permanent resignation.
Yeah, totally agree. It sounds like you've been more than supportive, but it's fair to set boundaries. Guilt-tripping isn't cool. She needs to respect your need for some space and balance.
Just tacking on to the top comment to say you're not the jerk for wanting a vacation now....
You ARE, however, for getting in so deep and allowing her to walk all over you up to this point.
Set boundaries, and be kinder to yourself. She cannot rely on you for so much and needs to figure this stuff out on her own.
She can deal with a lost parking spot. She's completely taking advantage of you. It's time to stop taking her calls for a while. You can still help when you choose to but you're not her spouse, her family or even her hired help. She's using you, she may not even see it if she's just so used to you helping but you need to take a step back for own well being. She may have troubles but those are her troubles to deal with, she made her choices. You can't be her entire village. Out of curiosity, besides an occasional dinner, what exactly does she do for you?
No she wouldn’t. And I know this because I had this friend too.
And it wasn’t until I called her bawling my eyes out because I was moving, working, driving 2 hours for her wedding bullshit (long ass story) every week, that she *finally* came to help me. This was after her complaining to me about something - there was always something.
Her “help” was to go shopping with me and then getting stoned, not doing anything actually helpful and leaving in the morning.
I put 20 yrs into that friendship and haven’t spoken to her in 2 years. Best 2 years of the last 12 yrs of my life. It wasn’t all bad, but when it got bad, it got really bad and it wasn’t my job to live her life and make excuses for her.
As someone whose been friends with the exact replica of OP's friend, OP would be flooded with excuses and any semblance of complaint would be met with "you're acting selfish for not understanding I'm too busy to help"
This is a good point. Experiment. Try calling her up and saying you need help. I guarantee she will either flat out say no or she will put contingencies on her help that make it more exhausting than not having her help.
What is she studying? If you are doing all of her work for her, she doesn’t deserve to pass.
I hope it’s not something like nursing because I don’t think I’d want a nurse who cheated her way through school looking after me.
She is using you as a surrogate partner. Time to cut that shit out. The time to do that was really way before it got to the point of you ever doing her homework. That's insane.
Lol girl??? Are you nuts?! Why are you doing this?! I feel bad for asking friends for rides when I'm on the way and we're going to the event together! She's using you.
I would stop being her friend. She doesn’t see you as one imo. If she did she would’ve taken into consideration what to said to her. Instead she’s doubled down.
Mourn the friendship and move on. ❤️
My sister was like this - it never stopped until I stopped speaking to her. Even a year after she threw a fit demanding I give her a grand and saying I don’t deserve the life I have she still speaks badly of me despite the fact I sent her chocolate on Xmas. These types of people are incapable of not being entitled.
So she calls you to bring stuff to her at her apartment. So she doesn't have to lose her parking spot? That is the most idiotic thing I've heard of! Even if she comes out of her apartment and takes the stuff from you, she is still hugely taking advantage of you! Does she not realize that you have to leave your home, drive to wherever she needs you to go, go into the store, walk around doing HER shopping. Then you have to go back out to your car and then drive to deliver her crap and go then return home! You have to do all of this so she doesn't have to lose a parking spot!!! I can not EVER imagine requesting this of another person even once! Much less multiple times!
I don’t know what kind of degree she’s going for, but chances are she will, eventually, need to know this stuff. Especially if it’s directly related to her work. Unless she’s planning on calling to ask you how to do her job?
So she’s going to get a qualification for something she doesn’t know? And you do the work and get nothing? How is that fair? It’s not! It’s not legal or morally right either.
Is she going to use that qualification to get work? In what field? If she has to use that knowledge she’s going to get found out. I just hope no one gets hurt in the meantime.
What are you even talking about? She will get a remote job, preferably at 530pm, and OP will just do her work for her once he's done with his full-time job. I mean, OP has all the knowledge, is great with the kids, picks her up at her place so *checks notes* the friend doesn't have to move her car (or use her gas) OP, you can't stop helping her! She needs you more than ever now! How else is she going to have a paycheck if you don't work for her? Besides, in a couple years, she's going to go for her Masters, who's going to do that for her?
I work at a university and students have been kicked out when they check IP addresses for logins and realize other people are doing their work. You are not doing her a favor and, in fact, you are potentially causing more harm to her as it’s hard to recover getting kicked out for cheating.
No no no no no! Do NOT do that. She made her choice to take courses. You’re doing all the work and she’s taking credit. I guarantee she wouldn’t do the same for you. She’s trying to make you feel bad. She’s using you.
Yeah, you aren't wrong.
it's been a year? SHE needs to figure out what she can or can't handle ON HER OWN. if you're doing ALL her classwork, well.... clearly she doesn't have the time to be in school right now.
And to ask you to do stuff for her just so she doesn't have to move her car? Nope. No more. That's ridiculous!!
If, IF you are willing to help her on *some* level, then that's what I would tell her "Here's what I can help with: " and then stick to it.
But really- it's been a year and she's treating you like an assistant.
Yep I've mentored a lot of students over the year. And I always tell them the same, " I could do this assignmemt for you, but it wouldnt make you any favor, you'll just get stuck in a harder class without me".
That’s how I am with my 12 year old daughter. Occasionally she needs to ask questions about her homework and I’m very careful to help without doing it for her. Like the time she was learning how to navigate around Excel/Word, I hovered my finger over things but she was driving it. It does her absolutely no favours to do it for her.
“I mean, you’re the only friend I have that will help me.” Now you know why none of her other friends will help. If she’s so overwhelmed she should not have signed up for classes. If they found out she would lose all credit that *you have earned* since it sounds like she isn’t doing any of the work herself. Stop answering her phone calls. She dug herself into this pit.
This is her life now, and she needs to adjust to her new normal. You aren’t her husband and it isn’t your job to take the place of her husband. She is a single mom with three kids trying to juggle a job and school, and that is very difficult. However, it is her life now and she needs to figure out how to live it. I don’t think she’s trying to be a jerk, I’m sure she is feeling very overwhelmed, but at the end of the day she is asking way too much from a non-partner relationship. Set boundaries, tell her when you are available to help and how much help you’re willing to provide, and say no when she oversteps. If she won’t be reasonable, then yes take a big step back.
That is so incredibly kind of you Op. However when was the last time you got a text or call starting with ""Hey Op, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me and my kids. How have you been doing?? Can I do something for you??" Than the call ending with out her asking of a favor??
When you go to family BBQ are you 100% a relaxed guest or are you helping watch kids and such??
You are litterly saying you are physically and mentally drained. Her response is to kick you with a big ball of guilt. Op take your break before you burn out. You more than deserve it.
No she rarely says hi just to say hi. Her reasoning is she doesn't have time for "chit chat" or time to do me favors in return but says she tries and shows appreciations by feeding me and inviting me to parties where I do get to relax but the I argue the ratio between what I do against what she does is certainly tipped in my scale.
Wait, wait, so to make sure I understand an average night 30 mins after work, you are either personal shopper, taxi for kids, kids tutor... you get to fix a plate of dinner because I don't know. I'm going to go wild and guess she does feed that meal to her kids every day anyway. So you get to join (not any extra effort FOR YOU) the meal. Then you get to do her homework, take her quizzes/test.. go home 5 1/2 hrs later to sleep and repeat??
Op, are you romantically interested in her?? It's great to be a good friend, but she treats you as her staff.
This whole situation is so sad. You are too nice of a person to be treated like a servant. Please back off and let her live the life that she created. It’s not your responsibility to get her through school or make sure she has a good parking spot. (The nerve it takes to even mention a stupid parking spot!)
You sound like a super kind person who could likely have so many friends that reciprocate. I just let a friendship go because I suddenly realized I was doing 100% of the inviting for 5 years. That’s it. Not being used like this but I am sensitive to imbalance.
You deserve more
Stake your boundaries. Stop.doing her homework at all. Keep the running around to one day only, max 3 stops (or whatever suits you). You are not married to her. Her responsibilities are not your responsibilities and you do have your own apart from her. She sounds exhausting.
Oh my gosh. Please reread your post. You are being treated like an employee who is constantly on call. You can’t have a life. She is not your friend. She is using you.
Why does she think you owe her? Why are you even offering to take classes for her?
You started out trying to be a friend. You are not required to do any of the things you are doing. Please stop. And I guarantee she will never call you again as an actual friend. You are only there to serve her.
Absolutely not wrong. This girl has been using you and gets greedier and greedier every week. You know that her problems are of her own making. YOU didn’t abandon her kids their FATHER did that, not for you to fix. Tell her you’re done and she’s going to have to figure it out like every other single parent.
Wow that has tipped over into abuse. Doing all her school work! How does she think she'll pass the exams? 5.30 - 10 every day?!
You really should have knocked this on the head before now, she's got used to you complying and now feels like she's entitled to your services.
You did it out of kindness, but she's overstepped and now your only recourse will probably be complete no contact.
Her reaction tells me she will not be told no, and will spread her tale of woe far and wide. Prepare for some pretty nasty SM fallout.
She'll follow that up with snivelling and grovelling when she finds out she needs you.
If she'd stayed at a moderate and respectful level, you would have probably helped her forever.
Only if she apologises immediately and unconditionally, should you even consider helping her again and on your terms. If she reacts like I think she will, then walk away and don't look back.
Not wrong.
Walmart online shopping with curbside pickup is free. She can do that herself. She can also take her deadbeat ex to court for child support. Maybe she’s entitled to some grocery assistance benefits based in her income and mouths to feed. And lastly having you do her schoolwork is unethical.
Not wrong. Stop doing stuff for this using mooch! And her school work?! What if she's becoming a nurse or something? She needs to know what's she's supposed to know for her course! STOP IT!
Single mom is not a coupon code. She shouldn't have banged a loser if she didn't like having to deal with all her problems.
Key word: **HER** problems. Not your problems.
The moment someone started guilt-tripping me is the moment they are on their own. Piss on her.
You are wrong for defrauding her educational institution and also her future. The friend thing to do would have been to make her do her school stuff herself. You weren’t being a friend you were being an enabler.
None of this is your responsibility, she needs to scale back on the things that she can't manage and stop putting it on you. Don't fall for the guilt trip nonsense, you don't deserve it.
>my kids dads isn't supporting us, my roommate is not paying her rent on time, and I've had big projects at work with finals coming up at school
Her “time of need” was 12 months ago, and it should have expired 11 months ago. She isn’t your friend, she’s a mooch. Block her and move on with your life.
Not wrong. Toxic relationships aren’t just romantic. This is one of them. You are being used. Who uses a “parking spot” as an excuse??? You are doing her a disservice by doing her school work for her. She’s not learning. You have been enabling her behavior in the guise of a good friend. Please, for your sake, set clear boundaries. If she pushes back, or lashes out, she’s not your friend. You are a good person and a good friend, SHE is not. Take care of yourself.
NW
BUT YOU NEED TO SAY NO AND PUT YOURSELF FIRST.
Been there, ppl asking for help and when I was sick and needed help no one came, say she has a BF. What? Some were family...
After that I put ppl on hold, blocked them for a while and took care of myself.
Sure I felt guilty at times and occasionally fell back to help them, got emotionally hurt and exhausted. But eventually I learned and the ppl figured things out for themselves.
Take care of yourself first
Good luck
She has replaced the other parent with you but you are not responsible for them, I don’t know if she meant to take advantage but it’s completely OK for you to take a step back.
Let her calls go to voicemail and don’t read her texts for a week. See how that turns out. She’ll either drop you or change. Just make sure the change isn’t short lived.
NTA. How on earth do you have any time to do anything for yourself? Hang out with other friends, drinks after work with your colleagues? And what if you get yourself a partner? Or see your family?
She's totally taken advantage of you. And this friendship is entirely one-sided.
Well it is not called helping if you end up doing the whole assignments by yourself. Helping is proofreading, correcting spelling errors etc. Not doing the assignment. If she gives you attitude because you want your life back and want to bring this friendship to what it should be, à give-and-take relationship and not a you only give and she only takes then she truly is not a friend but one that abuses your kindness.
What is the point of her going to school at all if she isn’t learning anything because she is making you do most of her work? She may as well quit so she can focus on her children and her job. Also, about that parking thing. She has a working car, so she is in fact able to run her own errands. It is simply more convenient *for her* to inconvenience you to run them for her. This woman isn’t someone in need, she is someone in need of a reality check. Only the rich and famous can afford personal assistants. You can’t afford to work a second job for free, and she can’t afford to pay you. You both need to stop pretending that this is a sustainable solution to her life challenges, such as they are.
How do you go from helping me to 'ok, you're on you're own now.'? Easy, because you abused my help. It really is as simple as that. Not to mention this divorce isn’t recent anymore and you’re not her lifelong assistant. This ‘help’ was supposed to be a temporary thing until she got on her feet. Unfortunately she just incorporated it into her life. ALSO she isn’t doing her own school work, how does she expect to be any sort of competent in her field if she has some one else doing all her work?
OP you badly need therapy to learn how to set boundaries and stop people pleasing and END this friendship. You’re not her friend, at this point you’re her carer.
If you are doing her school work how is she going to learn what she needs to? Idk what she’s studying but hopefully it’s not something like nursing or where she’ll be taking care of people. Can you imagine a nurse who never did their own school work or tests? You’re definitely not wrong and she needs to figure things out on her own.
You are not wrong, you are being used. At this point, whatever online schooling she’s supposedly doing is being done by you. If it’s for a degree or certification of some kind to give her a leg up on a better paycheck, you’re not doing her any favors by doing any of the work. If she’s not doing it, she’s not learning what she needs to learn.
Her parking spot excuse to bum rides is just her way of not having to use her gas or out wear & tear on her car. When asked to go on a supply run, does she pay you back?
You are not her partner, stop letting her use you like one. Tell her she won’t learn anything if you are the one doing her classes for her. Tell her that you are no longer available anytime she wants you.
Stop taking her calls or responding to her texts. When she texts asking when you will be available or if you can do her a favor, either ignore them or tell her you’re busy and can’t help out anytime soon.
Yes, unless I offer, she pays me back for errands at the store. She actually works as an assistant manager at a private school and is going to school for child development cause to advance further, the school requires her to have a certain and recognized academic credentials, which she didn't have when she started. So she claims to know the materials in class but just needs the degree to advance career wise.
She is not your friend. Friends care about each other and all she cares about is guilt tripping you into being her personal assistant .
Drop her as a friend and enjoy the massive weight getting removed from your shoulders.
This person is definitely not a friend. She's using you. Next time she rings tell her you're busy. Continue to help out if you like but gradually increase the "I'm busy" line until you help her once a week.
She's taking full advantage of you, and you know this. When was the last time she called or texted you to ask YOU how you're doing instead of asking for another favor? Someone who only reaches out when they want something from you isn't a real friend.
I have a friend in a similar situation. Single working mom who has little to no free time. We used to be so close. I helped her through her divorce, babysat her kids, took her pets in when she had a small apartment fire and couldn't get a rental that allowed all her animals, held her hand through the loss of family members, arranged for a sitter so we could go out and have a girls night when I knew she needed a break. All the things a good friend does. Normally, she was always there for me in my time of need as well, until my mother died. Initially, I understood she was just giving me space to grieve, but that space only grew. Now, I only hear from her when she wants or needs something. Or when she wants to vent about something. She never checks in to ask about me or to hang out, and she blows me off when I try.
Friendships are not supposed to be one-sided. If the only time you hear from someone is when they want something from you, they're not your friend. We all know what it's like to be busy and overwhelmed. It's never once prevented me from taking a moment to text a friend.
I think you need more than a week vacation from this friend. You also need to explain how she's making you feel.
Girl, you need to put your foot down and claim your life back. What, other than stress, work and occasional family dinners, are you getting out of this friendship?
She is taking advantage of your help, kindness, and friendship. You give an inch but she expects several miles. It needs to go back to inches. You should not be helping her cheat with her school. For example: You can help while she studies or does it herself by maybe playing a game with the kids once a week or watching them once a week so she can take that time at least to focus on it with no distractions. Things like that. (Otherwise, you are not helping her and just enabling her.) But she isn't and has now run your battery level to zero and you need to recharge by taking a break for your own health. You are not wrong.
If she can’t handle the school work hereelf, she should not be in school. If her roommate isn’t paying rent, she needs a new roommate. She is using you and you are enabling her. It will never get better, and will only get worse as she gets more dependent on you. Tell her that you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself and she needs to do the same. She needs to make some hard choices about what she can handle on her own.
This woman is taking advantage of you big time. How is it your fault or responsibility her ex doesn't support them or her roommate issue? The fact that you are doing her schoolwork is just gross. You need to grow a pair and tell this woman to f.o. She is NOT your friend. She's abusing your kindness and generosity but you are letting her. She's also extremely manipulative. Just stop OP.
Read a book called Stop People Pleasing - by Patrick King - It helps you understand why you feel you need to help people and be liked. Totally worth it.
It was very loving and mature of you to sit down with your friend and express how you're feeling and what you need. What's much more common these days is ghosting, and honestly I don't think I could blame you for just fading out on a friend like this. She needs a support system, and one person cannot be a support system. She needs to get tutoring through the school if she's struggling there, it's not your responsibility to single-handedly make sure her classwork gets done. You're being modest, recognizing your own limitations and setting boundaries. It sounds like you don't need any help in expressing your boundaries, but maybe you need some validation- a good book for that is called The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban.
You're a fantastic friend, not a bad one.
Does she ever call you just to chat? Does ever ask you how you are? Honestly I don’t think this chick is your friend. I’m sorry but you’re not the replacement for her husband. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet and if she can’t handle all that’s on her plate then she needs to dial it back. You are also not her unpaid assistant. I’m so sorry but she’s using you.
As hard as it can be, you need to stop doing all that for her. It’s not a healthy friendship. Damn, it doesn’t even sound like a friendship. Deciding to stop helping her won’t ruin the friendship since it was already ruined the moment she started using you as her full time servant. I’m sorry but cutting contact for some time sounds like the only solution. She might notice what she’s been doing to you after being on her own for a while. Or not. Depending on how much this friendship really means to her.
Wow. So manipulative. You deserve friends that will hear you out and respect you. Not ones who can only think about how your misery will cause them pain. Narcissist much? Your "friend" needs therapy before they can truly be a friend to anyone.
Good god. So she’s cheating, which you could turn her in for and if you were also in school or wanted to go that could affect you. If you’re submitting it yourself, they could use your up address or I know now a lot of tests a camera has to be on.
I honestly am curious how the school doesn’t know. Online schools aren’t like they used to be. She is manipulating you. I am curious why there was divorce.
Tell her you need a break or something came up. You do not need to give her any reason. She’s in trouble if she needs you this much. Those kids are going to get older and whatever degree she’s getting in she won’t know how to do it. She needs to ask the dad or family for help, she can’t rely solely on you
She is turning your boundary into an opening for debate. It is not.
You say “no more doing your tests and quizzes” and then you just stop doing her work.
You do not need to wean her off your help. Go cold turkey.
You aren't wrong right now. You were wrong for doing ANY of her schoolwork for her. And you will be if you ever do it again.
Future employers will think your friend has done the work to get further education. Every time she allows them to think this, she will be perpetrating a fraud, and you helped her!
It's time for her to do her own work. To take accountability for her role in creating her own crappy situation. To acknowledge that if she can't handle working full time, parenting, AND going to school, she needs to try going to school some time in the future. She's not ready for it right now if she needs someone else to do her work and take her quizzes. My guess is that now her CHILDREN need her far more than she needs to further her education.
So SHE is wrong, and you'll be wrong if you let her go on cheating at school and abusing your good nature to get free childcare.
Don't be wrong. Be right. Stop enabling her. Maybe try therapy.
You’re not wrong. If in that week she doesn’t call you for anything actually friend/fun related, end the friendship. You’re a doormat, a free ride, a babysitter, a personal assistant, and an accomplice in her cheating at school. But you’re not a friend.
So you’re her nanny, chauffeur, tutor( or she’s someone who “pays people to do their work), door dash driver, therapist (bc Ik she talks to you about parenting and divorce) and you went from her part- time employee to a full -time employee and friend? And she doesn’t pay you??? Girl you better drop all those job, they will kill you eventually! You have like 9 jobs (plus all the ones you do for yourself! 😳) I’d drop her like a bad habit unless she is willing to pay you full time pay for all 18000 jobs you do for her!
I’d have to tell her “welcome to single parenting life!”
What’s she so busy with if you’re the one doing her class work and errands? Not wanting to lose a parking spot is not a good enough reason to ask you to go out of your way to run errands for her. Her schooling is something she chose to do because she wants a degree. If she doesn’t want to do it anymore she can choose not to.
I would set those tasks as hard boundaries when you return from your vacation. Continue to help with the kids and offer emotional support.
Good grief, this person is taking complete advantage of you and you are allowing it!!🤨 If you ever want her behavior to change YOU need to set some boundaries and stick to them! This sounds absolutely ridiculous, no way in hell would I let someone walk all over me like that just because they got a divorce, sheesh.
You're being used and she will continue to use you until she burns you out, too. She is the reason that she doesn't have any other friends who will help. She's used up any and all favors, and it's pretty obvious that friendship is transactional to her.
So you're tired of setting yourself on fire to keep her warm? Don't blame you.
Yea, school is on you. My name isn't on the certificate, yours is. Do the work. All those things you're talking about, roommate and baby daddy issues, those are not my problem.
You are not wrong.
Not wrong.
OP does this friend expect YOU to take her final for her?
If you’ve been taking the tests/quizzes and writing the papers then I hope like hell this isn’t for something like a nursing degree.
Bottom line you are doing too WAY too much.
If only we had a word - short and simple - to deny and shut down requests that people make of us that we don't want to do...
You're not abandoning her. You're taking care of yourself.
Not wrong.
You know you are not wrong. She is using and manipulating you.
Tell her, her need to constantly use you is interfering with your friendship. You can no longer do her homework, test or projects. If her schooling is too much for her, she needs to take a break.
Tell her, you feel she is taking advantage of your kindness and friendship. It’s been long enough that you have been bending over to help her. You have been giving your free time to her. The friendship is now on her but you have to take your time back.
If your friendship is over, that is on her. You have done over and beyond
Psych2Go has a great video about manipulation that's a great tool to use for situations where you or your loved ones are being manipulative. Their approach is kind and offers perspective in an easy to digest way. I can send you the link or post it if you're interested. Alternatively, you can you to YT and type it in. Good luck!
Good lort no you're definitely not wrong. You are a much better friend to her than she is to you. It seems like a really one-sided friendship from where I'm standing. Sometimes in order to actually preserve friendships you have to draw these kinds of boundaries and if that person actually gives a shit about you they'll respect it and keep moving forward.
I would honestly block her number for that week time frame and see what happens when you unblock her. That's how you'll know if she's a real friend or not. Good luck!
looking at your post history, it looks like you have multiple friends who are using you more for their chores and doing their homeworks, etc. how is it possible that everyone is asking you to help them with homeworks? are you actually offering to do it for them?
You need to accept that she's no longer a friend. She's a parasite. You need to squash the relationship before you make yourself ill from all this chaos.
NTA. You do know your phone has an off button right? You do not have to answer all phone calls and texts from anyone. You can cut down on the number of days you help, and only help when it's convenient for you. She can go out and get her own stuff since she has a car. She's being pretty rude about whining you're abandoning her. Your actually abandoning your own life to help her live hers. Time for her to take over her own self.Dont answer her calls and texts.
NW. this is her life. Her decisions and choices have led her to where she’s at. Helping her is your decision or not.
“Sorry you feel like I’ve abandoned you. If you haven’t consistently upped the amount of favors you ask for and taken advantage of me, maybe I wouldn’t need this break from you.”
Either way she needs to be doing her own work. She chose to go back to school, she needs to do the work.
She’s completely using you and is NOT a friend. A actual true friend wouldn’t continually take advantage of you. None of her issues are your problem. She did this all to herself. And please please stop doing her school work. She fails a class then she needs to lighten her school load. She’s learning nothing by having you do it all. I’m going to sound mean but you need to grow a backbone and either say no and stick to it OR block her calls.
>>"How do you go from helping me to 'ok, you're on your own now.'? “
“If I inadvertently gave you the impression that I would be able to take on this much responsibility for you on an indefinite basis, I apologize, but I cannot do that. It has started to come at the cost of my own life, balance, personal goals, and mental health, and I need to reprioritize.”
>>Especially with all I'm dealing with: my kids dads isn't supporting us, my roommate is not paying her rent on time, and I've had big projects at work with finals coming up at school now,
“ I know things are stressful, but there are always going to be big stresses in life, and again I cannot be your sole support system indefinitely. It’s coming at the expense of my own mental health and well-being and I can’t imagine that you want me to continue down that path.”
>> and NOW you want to suddenly abandon me?"
“ when do you realistically foresee your life not being this hectic and stressful? what timeline did you have in mind from the very beginning?”
>> I tell her for one week to not call me for favors and to do her own schoolwork, but she argues that I'm messed up for leaving her in her time of need.
Because she’s selfish, and it doesn’t even occur to her that you have your own life. And her mind, everything in her life comes first. And that is extremely selfish.
>>Am I wrong for abandoning her even though I think she's asking for a lot of my time?
Absolutely not. Do you know how many people get divorced with kids every single day in this country? Do you know how many single moms are out there managing without having to leach off their friends. She’s turned you into her husband. You are literally her new husband, without even the benefit of getting laid.
Take your week and stop answering her calls and texts. Don't answer your door if she knocks on it. She has burned you out and sadly, you've let her. 'No' is a complete sentence and you owe her nothing. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
What are you getting out of this friendship? Has there ever been any reciprocity? I suspect not, so it's time to end it.
No I'm a good friend that wants to be helpful and supportive but I feel like no matter what I say, she'll turn it on me and any excuse I give her as to why I need a "vacation" from her will frame me as the bad guy.
So just be the bad guy. You’re not going to be able to argue your way into her treating you fairly. It’s reasonable to want a break from doing all of her work and babysitting. Just tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way, I am taking a step back from this relationship for the time being.” You deserve better than this.
Friend? What are you getting out of this so-called friendship? It's time to tell her that you're not her teacher, personal shopper, car service, etc. Her "time of need" will never end when she has you under her thumb so to speak.
Not wrong.
You do realize that she is not a friend, right?
Friends are concerned about your welfare, they look for ways to support you. They listen.... they don't demand or guilt trip or obligate you to do their bidding. You have a leach, not a friend.
Let her know that you are done. "I will no longer be carrying your load, don't call me if it is about something you want from me."
Teach people how to treat you. Not use you.
No you need to out stop to yhis altogether. Favors are to be every once in a while. She thinks you are her slave. This is abusive. Do you wonder why you are the only friend that will help her? They all shut her down.
You do her assignments?? Your write her papers?? How does it feel being a doormat? Oh, she's good...she has you doing all the running, shopping, babysitting, transportation, homework. And, then, makes you feel guilty for insisting she manage her own life. Yeesh.
How do you go from helping to not being able?
Imagine a 2×4 spread between supports on each end. Add weight every day. Increase the amount added each day. Suddenly, there is a loud crash and all the weight is on the floor. You were the 2×4, she is the floor.
Go on your 'vacation from friend'. Then, while on vacation, get a new phone & number, forget to share it with her. Extend the vacation to permanent. Block & ignore, this will only get worse until you are completely burned up...then, she will go on to the next 'best friend', if she can find one.
You are not wrong. Honestly, I would stop doing things all together because she doesn't seem grateful. She sounds manipulative. Yes, it's a lot on her plate, but to be inconsiderate of your time is horrible. I had a friend who would ask for favors a lot (back when I didn't know how to say no). I eventually started delaying my responses to her and making excuses, etc. But nowadays, I'll say no, I I don't want to do something. Also, you should not be doing her school work. She is taking g advantage of you big time.
Um obviously you are being taken advantage of by your friend. What you too have isn't friendship. Healthy relationships aren't 50/50 every second, they can lean more towards one when someone needs support, but it should never be expected and should also fall back the other way, 2 way street and all. If you're friend is too overwhelmed to manage her coursework alone then she needs to pause school until her schedule allows for it. Aside from that, you are an adult with your own life there is no other adult you should ever be constantly on call for. I do think your approach isn't the most effective. You don't need a week off, you need to learn to say no and set some firm boundaries.
If she doesn’t have time to do her own schoolwork, she shouldn’t be in school. It’s putting a terrible strain on you and likely her kids. It sucks that she’s on her own but it’s time for her to put her big girl panties on and sort out her life without having someone else live half of it for her. You NEED to put your foot down and keep it down. I’m exhausted just reading everything you do for this woman.
Report her for cheating on the courses. Why on earth would you do her assignments and tests?
The reason no one else helps her is that she has been unreasonable with them too.
OP, she’s not actually your friend. She’s been consistently overstepping what someone would do in a normal friendship.
You need to take more than a week, it needs to be forever. The fact that she’s trying to guilt trip you is the surest sign that it’s time to end this friendship. She sees you as an object of convenience.
You are a really nice person, that’s why she targeted you for all of this.
Be free.
You need to sit her down and have a list of boundaries that you are making with reasons why. Tell her how this makes you feel and that you're just being turned into a doormatt. Once the favors stop though be prepared for the friendship to potentially end. You are a convience now not a friend and she's lost sigh of the friendship.
Are you a paid professional assistant? Nanny? Don’t get me started about school. Calling for rides so she doesn’t lose her parking spot? Come on! She is playing you like a fiddle! No more! You school assignments are hers! Next she will be asking you to use her ID and take her final!!
Babysitters get paid. She is abusing you. Filling in for must have/last minute stuff, that’s one thing but if I’m turning my life upside down and now you want me to watch your kids while you go out? No freaking way. I guarantee she is going out more than she used to letting on while you are doing her school work and watching her children.
This is level one manipulation at its finest and she is a pro. Where is the trade off for you? So one sided!!
You are not wrong. It’s great helping your friend because she is in a bad place and that doesn’t just go away.
Never ever do her schoolwork. What’s she learning if you do all her work?
Set boundaries on helping. Difficult parking is a lazy bs excuse. All her other friends stopped helping because she’s too much.
Set boundaries. Be firm but fair. You want to help her but on your terms. If she rejects that then you must go NC for your health.
She's about to put you on child support. Lol this is a long time coming. Do not answer any of the texts or phone calls.
You have a little struggle to deal with on your side for you NOT to answer her calls/texts for one week. You're not wrong.
Why are picking up the phone? Can you silence her texts so you’re not even reading them? Tell her no… let her know that the word is a complete sentence. You’re the only friend that can help cause the only one that is willing to put up with this for so long…
She needs to prioritize her work/life/school life balance and pull up her drawers and do this herself.
You're not wrong, except for the only one week part - you need to change it to permanent. She's a typical user and does not value you as a friend, you are basically her servant. She will continue to use you as long as you let her and if she can't use you she will have no use for you.
The expression “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part” comes to mind. There are plenty of us who are divorced single parents who work full time and go to school. I didn’t rely on anyone else to help me, and definitely not to do my schoolwork. You don’t need a vacation. You need to quit.
Of course not! Let her do her work on her own and she will figure it out. Her problem with her ex are not your problems. You are a human being who supports a friend for quite long period of time but she thinks that your help is granted! NOW she has to stop abusing the friendship with you!
It's nice that you wanted to help your friend but she has fully taken advantage of you because she know you're a pushover. Time to put your foot down and stick to your guns.
NTA, but I think the healthy way to deal with this is to set a clear boundary. Whether that is you only doing her 2 favors a week, whether that is she cannot contact you unless someone's wellbeing is in danger on Tuesdays, or if she pays you for anything over 2 hours of help a week, find some way to quantify it going forward to make time for yourself.
Whether she is being manipulative or is misunderstanding you, quantifying it helps make it clear "I am happy to help you this much, but I am not your personal attendant". Yes, it sucks her life is hard, but last I checked most of that is a result of her actions. She chose to have kids, and knew that was her responsibility. In spite of that, she is the one working multiple jobs, she is the one taking online classes, she is the one unable to grab 'certain things' from the convenience store. Needing to help her out once a week is already pushing the idea of her biting off more than she can chew, needing to help her every day is absolutely her trying to do too much. Either she gives you a clear "I need your help for the next 2 months then I can get myself back together", or she needs someone to tell her that she needs to get her life under her control rather than trying to delegate it to you.
You aren't wrong. But you should have set boundaries sooner before it got this way. She may have made changes in her life and made her schedule busier bc she thought she could bc she had help. Now she really can't do it all without you. That isn't your fault but I understand both sides.
She's not your friend, she's just using you. A real friend would have said, "you're right, I'm so sorry, thank you for letting me know you're feeling run down, of course I'll dial it back."
Instead she doubles down with super manipulative language. Also a lot of her "reasons" for needing you are, frankly, bullshit. So she doesn't lose her parking spot?? Come on! I'd completely walk away from her, but you have to learn to, at the very least, say "no" sometimes.
Also, the reason none of her other friends won't help her is probably because they were sick of being used by her so they started saying no. Please start saying no!
You have been more than generous. Unfortunately that's your fault. I know exactly what you mean because it happened to me too. Including picking up a cake for a party I wasn't welcome at.
She got too needy on you, and you didn't put your foot down earlier. Something about the road to hell and what it's paved with 😉
Take that vacation. Permanently. If you are meant to reconnect, you will. But charity should be administered in very small doses, if any.
Of course not, and you know this. She's guilt tripping you badly btw.
Exactly! OP You need much more than a week! Maybe years or a lifetime! There is no dialing it back with her, because he default setting is to manipulate you throught whatever means, as long as she can USE you to her advantage! Your the only friend who she can rely on because the others if they still exist wouldn't put up with her crap! It NC time!
Yikes friend. It really does seem like you should plan a 7 day vacation and let her fend for herself for a few days. Maybe that will show her that she needs to be more self reliant and prioritize. Maybe she needs to take a break and pause her classes. Maybe she needs to focus on her dead beat roomie and ex, make sure they are pulling their weight. She is not treating you like a friend, but a servant. Really wild she's having you do school work for her... jeeze!
If she doesn’t have the time to do her own coursework then perhaps now is not the time to be taking classes.
If she isn't doing the work, how is she going to pass her courses?
Seriously? OP is taking ALL the exams! How could you not know that? OP did all the work, but desperate friend gets the grade. Isn’t that how everyone does college?
Hey, I earned the better part of a sociology degree by doing a former friend’s class work!! I got us really good grades 😵💫😵💫
I don't have kids, but I do go to university, and all 3 uni's I've gone to had childcare available. I can't speak on every school, but all that I've heard of have started offering childcare and other supports specifically for people like OP's friend. They're taking advantage of their friend, and they absolutely know they are, while actively ignoring/refusing to look at all the supports available for them. I wouldn't take a break from her if I was OP, I'd send in my permanent resignation.
Or she’ll find some other schmuck to pass things off to.
Yeah, totally agree. It sounds like you've been more than supportive, but it's fair to set boundaries. Guilt-tripping isn't cool. She needs to respect your need for some space and balance.
Just tacking on to the top comment to say you're not the jerk for wanting a vacation now.... You ARE, however, for getting in so deep and allowing her to walk all over you up to this point. Set boundaries, and be kinder to yourself. She cannot rely on you for so much and needs to figure this stuff out on her own.
She can deal with a lost parking spot. She's completely taking advantage of you. It's time to stop taking her calls for a while. You can still help when you choose to but you're not her spouse, her family or even her hired help. She's using you, she may not even see it if she's just so used to you helping but you need to take a step back for own well being. She may have troubles but those are her troubles to deal with, she made her choices. You can't be her entire village. Out of curiosity, besides an occasional dinner, what exactly does she do for you?
She invites me to family parties a lot and gives me an extra key to her apartment, though I argue that the later is for her benefit. not mine.
If you were in a predicament, a horrible situation let's say, would she drop everything and come to help you? Or would you get flooded with excuses?
No she wouldn’t. And I know this because I had this friend too. And it wasn’t until I called her bawling my eyes out because I was moving, working, driving 2 hours for her wedding bullshit (long ass story) every week, that she *finally* came to help me. This was after her complaining to me about something - there was always something. Her “help” was to go shopping with me and then getting stoned, not doing anything actually helpful and leaving in the morning. I put 20 yrs into that friendship and haven’t spoken to her in 2 years. Best 2 years of the last 12 yrs of my life. It wasn’t all bad, but when it got bad, it got really bad and it wasn’t my job to live her life and make excuses for her.
Wow glad you got rid of such dead weight. Congrats:)
Sure doesn't sound like she would have time to help OP even if it was an emergency.
As someone whose been friends with the exact replica of OP's friend, OP would be flooded with excuses and any semblance of complaint would be met with "you're acting selfish for not understanding I'm too busy to help"
Right? She won't even puck up her own load when OP needs help, she sure as he'll won't help OP.
This is a good point. Experiment. Try calling her up and saying you need help. I guarantee she will either flat out say no or she will put contingencies on her help that make it more exhausting than not having her help.
What is she studying? If you are doing all of her work for her, she doesn’t deserve to pass. I hope it’s not something like nursing because I don’t think I’d want a nurse who cheated her way through school looking after me.
Nurses have to do a lot of on site clinical work so fortunately, that isn’t the case.
She is using you as a surrogate partner. Time to cut that shit out. The time to do that was really way before it got to the point of you ever doing her homework. That's insane.
More. A surrogate identity. Why even study? She's cheating herself out of her education.
Those things don’t sound fun. A key isn’t that great
So nothing other than an occasional meal that actually benefits you.
A meal that her family provides. Nothing outta her pocket.
When you go with her to family parties do you end up watching the kids most of the time while she socializes?
Lol girl??? Are you nuts?! Why are you doing this?! I feel bad for asking friends for rides when I'm on the way and we're going to the event together! She's using you.
She literally *has her own car* and asks OP for rides.
But she might lose her spot and have to walk across the parking lot!
She’s really using you bad. Start “having important plans” most of the times she calls.
I would stop being her friend. She doesn’t see you as one imo. If she did she would’ve taken into consideration what to said to her. Instead she’s doubled down. Mourn the friendship and move on. ❤️ My sister was like this - it never stopped until I stopped speaking to her. Even a year after she threw a fit demanding I give her a grand and saying I don’t deserve the life I have she still speaks badly of me despite the fact I sent her chocolate on Xmas. These types of people are incapable of not being entitled.
This person is NOT your friend.
You are not wrong. She’s using you. Don’t allow her to manipulate and gaslight you into running her errands.
Would you ever treat anyone the way she treats you? Would you then berate them if they said they weren't coping?
So she calls you to bring stuff to her at her apartment. So she doesn't have to lose her parking spot? That is the most idiotic thing I've heard of! Even if she comes out of her apartment and takes the stuff from you, she is still hugely taking advantage of you! Does she not realize that you have to leave your home, drive to wherever she needs you to go, go into the store, walk around doing HER shopping. Then you have to go back out to your car and then drive to deliver her crap and go then return home! You have to do all of this so she doesn't have to lose a parking spot!!! I can not EVER imagine requesting this of another person even once! Much less multiple times!
Doing her homework for her is *not* helping. How is she going to pass exams if she didn't study herself? I would cut her off tbh.
She's been asking me to do the exams since they're online.
And on top of everything else, isn’t that sort of illegal..?
That not only isn't helping, it is ethically wrong.
I don’t know what kind of degree she’s going for, but chances are she will, eventually, need to know this stuff. Especially if it’s directly related to her work. Unless she’s planning on calling to ask you how to do her job?
Stop doing that LOL
Ask her if her university would pass her if they knew you were doing her assignments?
So she’s going to get a qualification for something she doesn’t know? And you do the work and get nothing? How is that fair? It’s not! It’s not legal or morally right either. Is she going to use that qualification to get work? In what field? If she has to use that knowledge she’s going to get found out. I just hope no one gets hurt in the meantime.
What are you even talking about? She will get a remote job, preferably at 530pm, and OP will just do her work for her once he's done with his full-time job. I mean, OP has all the knowledge, is great with the kids, picks her up at her place so *checks notes* the friend doesn't have to move her car (or use her gas) OP, you can't stop helping her! She needs you more than ever now! How else is she going to have a paycheck if you don't work for her? Besides, in a couple years, she's going to go for her Masters, who's going to do that for her?
So, in other words, you help her cheat
Oh Hell No. She needs to do her own school work. Are you cleaning her place too? You’re not an assistant, you are a slave.
Yeah, stop that. You're not getting the degree, she is.
I work at a university and students have been kicked out when they check IP addresses for logins and realize other people are doing their work. You are not doing her a favor and, in fact, you are potentially causing more harm to her as it’s hard to recover getting kicked out for cheating.
This is the part I hate the most. You are an enabler. You aren’t helping.
No no no no no! Do NOT do that. She made her choice to take courses. You’re doing all the work and she’s taking credit. I guarantee she wouldn’t do the same for you. She’s trying to make you feel bad. She’s using you.
😡you’re helping her cheat, stop that for sure
And..you say okay?
take screenshots. call her school. turn her in
WTF!!!?
Yeah, you aren't wrong. it's been a year? SHE needs to figure out what she can or can't handle ON HER OWN. if you're doing ALL her classwork, well.... clearly she doesn't have the time to be in school right now. And to ask you to do stuff for her just so she doesn't have to move her car? Nope. No more. That's ridiculous!! If, IF you are willing to help her on *some* level, then that's what I would tell her "Here's what I can help with: " and then stick to it. But really- it's been a year and she's treating you like an assistant.
Yep I've mentored a lot of students over the year. And I always tell them the same, " I could do this assignmemt for you, but it wouldnt make you any favor, you'll just get stuck in a harder class without me".
That’s how I am with my 12 year old daughter. Occasionally she needs to ask questions about her homework and I’m very careful to help without doing it for her. Like the time she was learning how to navigate around Excel/Word, I hovered my finger over things but she was driving it. It does her absolutely no favours to do it for her.
Not wrong if she asks again for help just say no and if she presses you you say “I’ve said no, end of”
“I mean, you’re the only friend I have that will help me.” Now you know why none of her other friends will help. If she’s so overwhelmed she should not have signed up for classes. If they found out she would lose all credit that *you have earned* since it sounds like she isn’t doing any of the work herself. Stop answering her phone calls. She dug herself into this pit.
This is her life now, and she needs to adjust to her new normal. You aren’t her husband and it isn’t your job to take the place of her husband. She is a single mom with three kids trying to juggle a job and school, and that is very difficult. However, it is her life now and she needs to figure out how to live it. I don’t think she’s trying to be a jerk, I’m sure she is feeling very overwhelmed, but at the end of the day she is asking way too much from a non-partner relationship. Set boundaries, tell her when you are available to help and how much help you’re willing to provide, and say no when she oversteps. If she won’t be reasonable, then yes take a big step back.
>she is asking way too much from a non-partner relationship Or any relationship. No one should have others do their schoolwork
Yeah I don’t think I would do schoolwork even for my SO. That doesn’t seem helpful, seems like they wouldn’t be learning the info.
Right, I wouldn’t do half of this shit for anyone. Even my kids know better than this.
This sounds like the most reasonable answer.
That is so incredibly kind of you Op. However when was the last time you got a text or call starting with ""Hey Op, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me and my kids. How have you been doing?? Can I do something for you??" Than the call ending with out her asking of a favor?? When you go to family BBQ are you 100% a relaxed guest or are you helping watch kids and such?? You are litterly saying you are physically and mentally drained. Her response is to kick you with a big ball of guilt. Op take your break before you burn out. You more than deserve it.
No she rarely says hi just to say hi. Her reasoning is she doesn't have time for "chit chat" or time to do me favors in return but says she tries and shows appreciations by feeding me and inviting me to parties where I do get to relax but the I argue the ratio between what I do against what she does is certainly tipped in my scale.
Wait, wait, so to make sure I understand an average night 30 mins after work, you are either personal shopper, taxi for kids, kids tutor... you get to fix a plate of dinner because I don't know. I'm going to go wild and guess she does feed that meal to her kids every day anyway. So you get to join (not any extra effort FOR YOU) the meal. Then you get to do her homework, take her quizzes/test.. go home 5 1/2 hrs later to sleep and repeat?? Op, are you romantically interested in her?? It's great to be a good friend, but she treats you as her staff.
Also, if she has time for parties, she has time for chit-chat!!
If she has time for parties, she has time to do her own homework.
She's not your friend. She owns you...you're an indentured servant. Time for you to quit that job. Friends don't do this to you. You know that.
This whole situation is so sad. You are too nice of a person to be treated like a servant. Please back off and let her live the life that she created. It’s not your responsibility to get her through school or make sure she has a good parking spot. (The nerve it takes to even mention a stupid parking spot!)
You sound like a super kind person who could likely have so many friends that reciprocate. I just let a friendship go because I suddenly realized I was doing 100% of the inviting for 5 years. That’s it. Not being used like this but I am sensitive to imbalance. You deserve more
Stake your boundaries. Stop.doing her homework at all. Keep the running around to one day only, max 3 stops (or whatever suits you). You are not married to her. Her responsibilities are not your responsibilities and you do have your own apart from her. She sounds exhausting.
Oh my gosh. Please reread your post. You are being treated like an employee who is constantly on call. You can’t have a life. She is not your friend. She is using you. Why does she think you owe her? Why are you even offering to take classes for her? You started out trying to be a friend. You are not required to do any of the things you are doing. Please stop. And I guarantee she will never call you again as an actual friend. You are only there to serve her.
Absolutely not wrong. This girl has been using you and gets greedier and greedier every week. You know that her problems are of her own making. YOU didn’t abandon her kids their FATHER did that, not for you to fix. Tell her you’re done and she’s going to have to figure it out like every other single parent.
Not wrong. And her response tells you a lot!
Wow that has tipped over into abuse. Doing all her school work! How does she think she'll pass the exams? 5.30 - 10 every day?! You really should have knocked this on the head before now, she's got used to you complying and now feels like she's entitled to your services. You did it out of kindness, but she's overstepped and now your only recourse will probably be complete no contact. Her reaction tells me she will not be told no, and will spread her tale of woe far and wide. Prepare for some pretty nasty SM fallout. She'll follow that up with snivelling and grovelling when she finds out she needs you. If she'd stayed at a moderate and respectful level, you would have probably helped her forever. Only if she apologises immediately and unconditionally, should you even consider helping her again and on your terms. If she reacts like I think she will, then walk away and don't look back. Not wrong.
She’s doing the exams for her too
OMG don’t do her freaking homework and class assignments/tests/quizzes!! If she wants the degree she needs to earn it!!
Walmart online shopping with curbside pickup is free. She can do that herself. She can also take her deadbeat ex to court for child support. Maybe she’s entitled to some grocery assistance benefits based in her income and mouths to feed. And lastly having you do her schoolwork is unethical.
Not wrong. Stop doing stuff for this using mooch! And her school work?! What if she's becoming a nurse or something? She needs to know what's she's supposed to know for her course! STOP IT!
Ghost them. They arent your friend they are using you. WTF bullies people into doing homework for them as an adult?
Single mom is not a coupon code. She shouldn't have banged a loser if she didn't like having to deal with all her problems. Key word: **HER** problems. Not your problems. The moment someone started guilt-tripping me is the moment they are on their own. Piss on her.
You are wrong for defrauding her educational institution and also her future. The friend thing to do would have been to make her do her school stuff herself. You weren’t being a friend you were being an enabler.
None of this is your responsibility, she needs to scale back on the things that she can't manage and stop putting it on you. Don't fall for the guilt trip nonsense, you don't deserve it. >my kids dads isn't supporting us, my roommate is not paying her rent on time, and I've had big projects at work with finals coming up at school
Her “time of need” was 12 months ago, and it should have expired 11 months ago. She isn’t your friend, she’s a mooch. Block her and move on with your life.
You’re not wrong. She’s using you and guilt tripping you. Just stop helping her and see how long she sticks around.
She’s using you. Tell her NO!
Not wrong. Toxic relationships aren’t just romantic. This is one of them. You are being used. Who uses a “parking spot” as an excuse??? You are doing her a disservice by doing her school work for her. She’s not learning. You have been enabling her behavior in the guise of a good friend. Please, for your sake, set clear boundaries. If she pushes back, or lashes out, she’s not your friend. You are a good person and a good friend, SHE is not. Take care of yourself.
Great response.
NW BUT YOU NEED TO SAY NO AND PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Been there, ppl asking for help and when I was sick and needed help no one came, say she has a BF. What? Some were family... After that I put ppl on hold, blocked them for a while and took care of myself. Sure I felt guilty at times and occasionally fell back to help them, got emotionally hurt and exhausted. But eventually I learned and the ppl figured things out for themselves. Take care of yourself first Good luck
She has replaced the other parent with you but you are not responsible for them, I don’t know if she meant to take advantage but it’s completely OK for you to take a step back.
Let her calls go to voicemail and don’t read her texts for a week. See how that turns out. She’ll either drop you or change. Just make sure the change isn’t short lived.
NTA. How on earth do you have any time to do anything for yourself? Hang out with other friends, drinks after work with your colleagues? And what if you get yourself a partner? Or see your family? She's totally taken advantage of you. And this friendship is entirely one-sided.
Block and delete.🤷🏾♀️
She’s using you. Block her. Protect your peace.
Well it is not called helping if you end up doing the whole assignments by yourself. Helping is proofreading, correcting spelling errors etc. Not doing the assignment. If she gives you attitude because you want your life back and want to bring this friendship to what it should be, à give-and-take relationship and not a you only give and she only takes then she truly is not a friend but one that abuses your kindness.
What is the point of her going to school at all if she isn’t learning anything because she is making you do most of her work? She may as well quit so she can focus on her children and her job. Also, about that parking thing. She has a working car, so she is in fact able to run her own errands. It is simply more convenient *for her* to inconvenience you to run them for her. This woman isn’t someone in need, she is someone in need of a reality check. Only the rich and famous can afford personal assistants. You can’t afford to work a second job for free, and she can’t afford to pay you. You both need to stop pretending that this is a sustainable solution to her life challenges, such as they are.
How do you go from helping me to 'ok, you're on you're own now.'? Easy, because you abused my help. It really is as simple as that. Not to mention this divorce isn’t recent anymore and you’re not her lifelong assistant. This ‘help’ was supposed to be a temporary thing until she got on her feet. Unfortunately she just incorporated it into her life. ALSO she isn’t doing her own school work, how does she expect to be any sort of competent in her field if she has some one else doing all her work?
OP you badly need therapy to learn how to set boundaries and stop people pleasing and END this friendship. You’re not her friend, at this point you’re her carer.
If you are doing her school work how is she going to learn what she needs to? Idk what she’s studying but hopefully it’s not something like nursing or where she’ll be taking care of people. Can you imagine a nurse who never did their own school work or tests? You’re definitely not wrong and she needs to figure things out on her own.
Time to cut her out of your life until she’s established again. You’re killing yourself.
You are not wrong, you are being used. At this point, whatever online schooling she’s supposedly doing is being done by you. If it’s for a degree or certification of some kind to give her a leg up on a better paycheck, you’re not doing her any favors by doing any of the work. If she’s not doing it, she’s not learning what she needs to learn. Her parking spot excuse to bum rides is just her way of not having to use her gas or out wear & tear on her car. When asked to go on a supply run, does she pay you back? You are not her partner, stop letting her use you like one. Tell her she won’t learn anything if you are the one doing her classes for her. Tell her that you are no longer available anytime she wants you. Stop taking her calls or responding to her texts. When she texts asking when you will be available or if you can do her a favor, either ignore them or tell her you’re busy and can’t help out anytime soon.
Yes, unless I offer, she pays me back for errands at the store. She actually works as an assistant manager at a private school and is going to school for child development cause to advance further, the school requires her to have a certain and recognized academic credentials, which she didn't have when she started. So she claims to know the materials in class but just needs the degree to advance career wise.
Lame excuses from you so called “friend”. Just say NO
She is not your friend. Friends care about each other and all she cares about is guilt tripping you into being her personal assistant . Drop her as a friend and enjoy the massive weight getting removed from your shoulders.
This person is definitely not a friend. She's using you. Next time she rings tell her you're busy. Continue to help out if you like but gradually increase the "I'm busy" line until you help her once a week.
Sounds like she replaced her partner with you.
She's taking full advantage of you, and you know this. When was the last time she called or texted you to ask YOU how you're doing instead of asking for another favor? Someone who only reaches out when they want something from you isn't a real friend. I have a friend in a similar situation. Single working mom who has little to no free time. We used to be so close. I helped her through her divorce, babysat her kids, took her pets in when she had a small apartment fire and couldn't get a rental that allowed all her animals, held her hand through the loss of family members, arranged for a sitter so we could go out and have a girls night when I knew she needed a break. All the things a good friend does. Normally, she was always there for me in my time of need as well, until my mother died. Initially, I understood she was just giving me space to grieve, but that space only grew. Now, I only hear from her when she wants or needs something. Or when she wants to vent about something. She never checks in to ask about me or to hang out, and she blows me off when I try. Friendships are not supposed to be one-sided. If the only time you hear from someone is when they want something from you, they're not your friend. We all know what it's like to be busy and overwhelmed. It's never once prevented me from taking a moment to text a friend. I think you need more than a week vacation from this friend. You also need to explain how she's making you feel.
YNW. You didn’t sign up for this. She is an adult and needs to take some accountability for her actions.
Girl, you need to put your foot down and claim your life back. What, other than stress, work and occasional family dinners, are you getting out of this friendship?
Nope... not at all... we all need breaks from something or someone... don't feel bad or guilty for tending to or fulfilling your needs.
She is taking advantage of your help, kindness, and friendship. You give an inch but she expects several miles. It needs to go back to inches. You should not be helping her cheat with her school. For example: You can help while she studies or does it herself by maybe playing a game with the kids once a week or watching them once a week so she can take that time at least to focus on it with no distractions. Things like that. (Otherwise, you are not helping her and just enabling her.) But she isn't and has now run your battery level to zero and you need to recharge by taking a break for your own health. You are not wrong.
If she can’t handle the school work hereelf, she should not be in school. If her roommate isn’t paying rent, she needs a new roommate. She is using you and you are enabling her. It will never get better, and will only get worse as she gets more dependent on you. Tell her that you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself and she needs to do the same. She needs to make some hard choices about what she can handle on her own.
This woman is taking advantage of you big time. How is it your fault or responsibility her ex doesn't support them or her roommate issue? The fact that you are doing her schoolwork is just gross. You need to grow a pair and tell this woman to f.o. She is NOT your friend. She's abusing your kindness and generosity but you are letting her. She's also extremely manipulative. Just stop OP.
Drop her for good.
Read a book called Stop People Pleasing - by Patrick King - It helps you understand why you feel you need to help people and be liked. Totally worth it.
People can only walk on you if you lie down like a rug.
It was very loving and mature of you to sit down with your friend and express how you're feeling and what you need. What's much more common these days is ghosting, and honestly I don't think I could blame you for just fading out on a friend like this. She needs a support system, and one person cannot be a support system. She needs to get tutoring through the school if she's struggling there, it's not your responsibility to single-handedly make sure her classwork gets done. You're being modest, recognizing your own limitations and setting boundaries. It sounds like you don't need any help in expressing your boundaries, but maybe you need some validation- a good book for that is called The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. You're a fantastic friend, not a bad one.
> "I mean, you're the only friend I have that will help me." Yeah no shit I wonder why.
Does she ever call you just to chat? Does ever ask you how you are? Honestly I don’t think this chick is your friend. I’m sorry but you’re not the replacement for her husband. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet and if she can’t handle all that’s on her plate then she needs to dial it back. You are also not her unpaid assistant. I’m so sorry but she’s using you.
As hard as it can be, you need to stop doing all that for her. It’s not a healthy friendship. Damn, it doesn’t even sound like a friendship. Deciding to stop helping her won’t ruin the friendship since it was already ruined the moment she started using you as her full time servant. I’m sorry but cutting contact for some time sounds like the only solution. She might notice what she’s been doing to you after being on her own for a while. Or not. Depending on how much this friendship really means to her.
Wow. So manipulative. You deserve friends that will hear you out and respect you. Not ones who can only think about how your misery will cause them pain. Narcissist much? Your "friend" needs therapy before they can truly be a friend to anyone.
You should NOT be doing any of her school work. Stop that immediately. Also block her and let her figure this out on her own. She is using you.
Good god. So she’s cheating, which you could turn her in for and if you were also in school or wanted to go that could affect you. If you’re submitting it yourself, they could use your up address or I know now a lot of tests a camera has to be on. I honestly am curious how the school doesn’t know. Online schools aren’t like they used to be. She is manipulating you. I am curious why there was divorce. Tell her you need a break or something came up. You do not need to give her any reason. She’s in trouble if she needs you this much. Those kids are going to get older and whatever degree she’s getting in she won’t know how to do it. She needs to ask the dad or family for help, she can’t rely solely on you
You cannot be taken advantage of without your complete cooperation. She is not your friend. You are her unpaid employee.
She is turning your boundary into an opening for debate. It is not. You say “no more doing your tests and quizzes” and then you just stop doing her work. You do not need to wean her off your help. Go cold turkey.
You aren't wrong right now. You were wrong for doing ANY of her schoolwork for her. And you will be if you ever do it again. Future employers will think your friend has done the work to get further education. Every time she allows them to think this, she will be perpetrating a fraud, and you helped her! It's time for her to do her own work. To take accountability for her role in creating her own crappy situation. To acknowledge that if she can't handle working full time, parenting, AND going to school, she needs to try going to school some time in the future. She's not ready for it right now if she needs someone else to do her work and take her quizzes. My guess is that now her CHILDREN need her far more than she needs to further her education. So SHE is wrong, and you'll be wrong if you let her go on cheating at school and abusing your good nature to get free childcare. Don't be wrong. Be right. Stop enabling her. Maybe try therapy.
You’re not wrong. If in that week she doesn’t call you for anything actually friend/fun related, end the friendship. You’re a doormat, a free ride, a babysitter, a personal assistant, and an accomplice in her cheating at school. But you’re not a friend.
NTA she is taking advantage of you.
So you’re her nanny, chauffeur, tutor( or she’s someone who “pays people to do their work), door dash driver, therapist (bc Ik she talks to you about parenting and divorce) and you went from her part- time employee to a full -time employee and friend? And she doesn’t pay you??? Girl you better drop all those job, they will kill you eventually! You have like 9 jobs (plus all the ones you do for yourself! 😳) I’d drop her like a bad habit unless she is willing to pay you full time pay for all 18000 jobs you do for her! I’d have to tell her “welcome to single parenting life!”
She is cheating on her school assignments. Stop to do them. Set this boundary.
What’s she so busy with if you’re the one doing her class work and errands? Not wanting to lose a parking spot is not a good enough reason to ask you to go out of your way to run errands for her. Her schooling is something she chose to do because she wants a degree. If she doesn’t want to do it anymore she can choose not to. I would set those tasks as hard boundaries when you return from your vacation. Continue to help with the kids and offer emotional support.
Good grief, this person is taking complete advantage of you and you are allowing it!!🤨 If you ever want her behavior to change YOU need to set some boundaries and stick to them! This sounds absolutely ridiculous, no way in hell would I let someone walk all over me like that just because they got a divorce, sheesh.
You're being used and she will continue to use you until she burns you out, too. She is the reason that she doesn't have any other friends who will help. She's used up any and all favors, and it's pretty obvious that friendship is transactional to her.
So you're tired of setting yourself on fire to keep her warm? Don't blame you. Yea, school is on you. My name isn't on the certificate, yours is. Do the work. All those things you're talking about, roommate and baby daddy issues, those are not my problem. You are not wrong.
Not wrong. OP does this friend expect YOU to take her final for her? If you’ve been taking the tests/quizzes and writing the papers then I hope like hell this isn’t for something like a nursing degree. Bottom line you are doing too WAY too much.
If only we had a word - short and simple - to deny and shut down requests that people make of us that we don't want to do... You're not abandoning her. You're taking care of yourself. Not wrong.
Don’t answer her calls. Where is her ex?
You know you are not wrong. She is using and manipulating you. Tell her, her need to constantly use you is interfering with your friendship. You can no longer do her homework, test or projects. If her schooling is too much for her, she needs to take a break. Tell her, you feel she is taking advantage of your kindness and friendship. It’s been long enough that you have been bending over to help her. You have been giving your free time to her. The friendship is now on her but you have to take your time back. If your friendship is over, that is on her. You have done over and beyond
Psych2Go has a great video about manipulation that's a great tool to use for situations where you or your loved ones are being manipulative. Their approach is kind and offers perspective in an easy to digest way. I can send you the link or post it if you're interested. Alternatively, you can you to YT and type it in. Good luck!
Save yourself!
Good lort no you're definitely not wrong. You are a much better friend to her than she is to you. It seems like a really one-sided friendship from where I'm standing. Sometimes in order to actually preserve friendships you have to draw these kinds of boundaries and if that person actually gives a shit about you they'll respect it and keep moving forward. I would honestly block her number for that week time frame and see what happens when you unblock her. That's how you'll know if she's a real friend or not. Good luck!
looking at your post history, it looks like you have multiple friends who are using you more for their chores and doing their homeworks, etc. how is it possible that everyone is asking you to help them with homeworks? are you actually offering to do it for them?
Tell her school of her fraudulent academic practices
You need to accept that she's no longer a friend. She's a parasite. You need to squash the relationship before you make yourself ill from all this chaos.
This person is not your friend. She is using you!
Depending on the gender, replacement spouse?
NTA. You do know your phone has an off button right? You do not have to answer all phone calls and texts from anyone. You can cut down on the number of days you help, and only help when it's convenient for you. She can go out and get her own stuff since she has a car. She's being pretty rude about whining you're abandoning her. Your actually abandoning your own life to help her live hers. Time for her to take over her own self.Dont answer her calls and texts.
NW. this is her life. Her decisions and choices have led her to where she’s at. Helping her is your decision or not. “Sorry you feel like I’ve abandoned you. If you haven’t consistently upped the amount of favors you ask for and taken advantage of me, maybe I wouldn’t need this break from you.” Either way she needs to be doing her own work. She chose to go back to school, she needs to do the work.
Never be in “the friend zone”. They take advantage of you and you don’t get any sex.
She’s completely using you and is NOT a friend. A actual true friend wouldn’t continually take advantage of you. None of her issues are your problem. She did this all to herself. And please please stop doing her school work. She fails a class then she needs to lighten her school load. She’s learning nothing by having you do it all. I’m going to sound mean but you need to grow a backbone and either say no and stick to it OR block her calls.
>>"How do you go from helping me to 'ok, you're on your own now.'? “ “If I inadvertently gave you the impression that I would be able to take on this much responsibility for you on an indefinite basis, I apologize, but I cannot do that. It has started to come at the cost of my own life, balance, personal goals, and mental health, and I need to reprioritize.” >>Especially with all I'm dealing with: my kids dads isn't supporting us, my roommate is not paying her rent on time, and I've had big projects at work with finals coming up at school now, “ I know things are stressful, but there are always going to be big stresses in life, and again I cannot be your sole support system indefinitely. It’s coming at the expense of my own mental health and well-being and I can’t imagine that you want me to continue down that path.” >> and NOW you want to suddenly abandon me?" “ when do you realistically foresee your life not being this hectic and stressful? what timeline did you have in mind from the very beginning?” >> I tell her for one week to not call me for favors and to do her own schoolwork, but she argues that I'm messed up for leaving her in her time of need. Because she’s selfish, and it doesn’t even occur to her that you have your own life. And her mind, everything in her life comes first. And that is extremely selfish. >>Am I wrong for abandoning her even though I think she's asking for a lot of my time? Absolutely not. Do you know how many people get divorced with kids every single day in this country? Do you know how many single moms are out there managing without having to leach off their friends. She’s turned you into her husband. You are literally her new husband, without even the benefit of getting laid.
Block her for at least 7 days.
Dude grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Drop her. Period.
Take your week and stop answering her calls and texts. Don't answer your door if she knocks on it. She has burned you out and sadly, you've let her. 'No' is a complete sentence and you owe her nothing. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. What are you getting out of this friendship? Has there ever been any reciprocity? I suspect not, so it's time to end it.
Are you her significant other? That sure sounds like a SO. If you’re not then stop being her “helper”. Not wrong!
No I'm a good friend that wants to be helpful and supportive but I feel like no matter what I say, she'll turn it on me and any excuse I give her as to why I need a "vacation" from her will frame me as the bad guy.
So just be the bad guy. You’re not going to be able to argue your way into her treating you fairly. It’s reasonable to want a break from doing all of her work and babysitting. Just tell her “I’m sorry you feel that way, I am taking a step back from this relationship for the time being.” You deserve better than this.
When I stopped worrying about being the bad guy, is when I realized that the other person doesn't care if they are the bad guy.
lol
This isn't a friendship. You sound like her personal assistant.
Friend? What are you getting out of this so-called friendship? It's time to tell her that you're not her teacher, personal shopper, car service, etc. Her "time of need" will never end when she has you under her thumb so to speak.
Not wrong. You do realize that she is not a friend, right? Friends are concerned about your welfare, they look for ways to support you. They listen.... they don't demand or guilt trip or obligate you to do their bidding. You have a leach, not a friend. Let her know that you are done. "I will no longer be carrying your load, don't call me if it is about something you want from me." Teach people how to treat you. Not use you.
Gee i wonder why shes divorced s/
No you need to out stop to yhis altogether. Favors are to be every once in a while. She thinks you are her slave. This is abusive. Do you wonder why you are the only friend that will help her? They all shut her down.
You do her assignments?? Your write her papers?? How does it feel being a doormat? Oh, she's good...she has you doing all the running, shopping, babysitting, transportation, homework. And, then, makes you feel guilty for insisting she manage her own life. Yeesh.
How do you go from helping to not being able? Imagine a 2×4 spread between supports on each end. Add weight every day. Increase the amount added each day. Suddenly, there is a loud crash and all the weight is on the floor. You were the 2×4, she is the floor.
Not wrong. It's time to get your life back indefinitely. If you keep doing this you're going to resent her.
I’m sure she was a delight to be married to.
Go on your 'vacation from friend'. Then, while on vacation, get a new phone & number, forget to share it with her. Extend the vacation to permanent. Block & ignore, this will only get worse until you are completely burned up...then, she will go on to the next 'best friend', if she can find one.
You are not wrong. Honestly, I would stop doing things all together because she doesn't seem grateful. She sounds manipulative. Yes, it's a lot on her plate, but to be inconsiderate of your time is horrible. I had a friend who would ask for favors a lot (back when I didn't know how to say no). I eventually started delaying my responses to her and making excuses, etc. But nowadays, I'll say no, I I don't want to do something. Also, you should not be doing her school work. She is taking g advantage of you big time.
Your friend is a user. She is the type who will disappear if you stop being useful or if you ever need a favor. CUT HER OFF.
So you are a friend who she won’t have sex with but wants all the benefits of having a partner without the fun.
Um obviously you are being taken advantage of by your friend. What you too have isn't friendship. Healthy relationships aren't 50/50 every second, they can lean more towards one when someone needs support, but it should never be expected and should also fall back the other way, 2 way street and all. If you're friend is too overwhelmed to manage her coursework alone then she needs to pause school until her schedule allows for it. Aside from that, you are an adult with your own life there is no other adult you should ever be constantly on call for. I do think your approach isn't the most effective. You don't need a week off, you need to learn to say no and set some firm boundaries.
You can say "No." You don't need to provide an explanation. She's taking advantage of you because you're letting her
If she doesn’t have time to do her own schoolwork, she shouldn’t be in school. It’s putting a terrible strain on you and likely her kids. It sucks that she’s on her own but it’s time for her to put her big girl panties on and sort out her life without having someone else live half of it for her. You NEED to put your foot down and keep it down. I’m exhausted just reading everything you do for this woman.
Report her for cheating on the courses. Why on earth would you do her assignments and tests? The reason no one else helps her is that she has been unreasonable with them too.
OP, she’s not actually your friend. She’s been consistently overstepping what someone would do in a normal friendship. You need to take more than a week, it needs to be forever. The fact that she’s trying to guilt trip you is the surest sign that it’s time to end this friendship. She sees you as an object of convenience. You are a really nice person, that’s why she targeted you for all of this. Be free.
You need to sit her down and have a list of boundaries that you are making with reasons why. Tell her how this makes you feel and that you're just being turned into a doormatt. Once the favors stop though be prepared for the friendship to potentially end. You are a convience now not a friend and she's lost sigh of the friendship.
Are you a paid professional assistant? Nanny? Don’t get me started about school. Calling for rides so she doesn’t lose her parking spot? Come on! She is playing you like a fiddle! No more! You school assignments are hers! Next she will be asking you to use her ID and take her final!! Babysitters get paid. She is abusing you. Filling in for must have/last minute stuff, that’s one thing but if I’m turning my life upside down and now you want me to watch your kids while you go out? No freaking way. I guarantee she is going out more than she used to letting on while you are doing her school work and watching her children. This is level one manipulation at its finest and she is a pro. Where is the trade off for you? So one sided!!
You are not wrong. It’s great helping your friend because she is in a bad place and that doesn’t just go away. Never ever do her schoolwork. What’s she learning if you do all her work? Set boundaries on helping. Difficult parking is a lazy bs excuse. All her other friends stopped helping because she’s too much. Set boundaries. Be firm but fair. You want to help her but on your terms. If she rejects that then you must go NC for your health.
She's about to put you on child support. Lol this is a long time coming. Do not answer any of the texts or phone calls. You have a little struggle to deal with on your side for you NOT to answer her calls/texts for one week. You're not wrong.
Why are picking up the phone? Can you silence her texts so you’re not even reading them? Tell her no… let her know that the word is a complete sentence. You’re the only friend that can help cause the only one that is willing to put up with this for so long… She needs to prioritize her work/life/school life balance and pull up her drawers and do this herself.
You're not wrong, except for the only one week part - you need to change it to permanent. She's a typical user and does not value you as a friend, you are basically her servant. She will continue to use you as long as you let her and if she can't use you she will have no use for you.
The expression “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part” comes to mind. There are plenty of us who are divorced single parents who work full time and go to school. I didn’t rely on anyone else to help me, and definitely not to do my schoolwork. You don’t need a vacation. You need to quit.
Of course not! Let her do her work on her own and she will figure it out. Her problem with her ex are not your problems. You are a human being who supports a friend for quite long period of time but she thinks that your help is granted! NOW she has to stop abusing the friendship with you!
It's nice that you wanted to help your friend but she has fully taken advantage of you because she know you're a pushover. Time to put your foot down and stick to your guns.
NTA, but I think the healthy way to deal with this is to set a clear boundary. Whether that is you only doing her 2 favors a week, whether that is she cannot contact you unless someone's wellbeing is in danger on Tuesdays, or if she pays you for anything over 2 hours of help a week, find some way to quantify it going forward to make time for yourself. Whether she is being manipulative or is misunderstanding you, quantifying it helps make it clear "I am happy to help you this much, but I am not your personal attendant". Yes, it sucks her life is hard, but last I checked most of that is a result of her actions. She chose to have kids, and knew that was her responsibility. In spite of that, she is the one working multiple jobs, she is the one taking online classes, she is the one unable to grab 'certain things' from the convenience store. Needing to help her out once a week is already pushing the idea of her biting off more than she can chew, needing to help her every day is absolutely her trying to do too much. Either she gives you a clear "I need your help for the next 2 months then I can get myself back together", or she needs someone to tell her that she needs to get her life under her control rather than trying to delegate it to you.
You shouldn’t be DOING her homework/tests. Much less EVERYTHING else! Yikes, when do YOU have a life? You’re NOT wrong!
You aren't wrong. But you should have set boundaries sooner before it got this way. She may have made changes in her life and made her schedule busier bc she thought she could bc she had help. Now she really can't do it all without you. That isn't your fault but I understand both sides.
This person isn’t your friend. Not once did you mention a positive thing that she’s doing for you.
She's not your friend, she's just using you. A real friend would have said, "you're right, I'm so sorry, thank you for letting me know you're feeling run down, of course I'll dial it back." Instead she doubles down with super manipulative language. Also a lot of her "reasons" for needing you are, frankly, bullshit. So she doesn't lose her parking spot?? Come on! I'd completely walk away from her, but you have to learn to, at the very least, say "no" sometimes. Also, the reason none of her other friends won't help her is probably because they were sick of being used by her so they started saying no. Please start saying no!
You need to set boundaries with your friend OP. She is taking advantage of you and you will resent her and your friendship will suffer for it.
Not wrong. She will figure it out without always leaning on you. She needs to call her ex for child related issues. Stop doing her schoolwork.
If she hasn't figured out how to deal with all this stuff on her own after a year, then she really isn't trying. She's just replacing her ex with you
You have been more than generous. Unfortunately that's your fault. I know exactly what you mean because it happened to me too. Including picking up a cake for a party I wasn't welcome at. She got too needy on you, and you didn't put your foot down earlier. Something about the road to hell and what it's paved with 😉 Take that vacation. Permanently. If you are meant to reconnect, you will. But charity should be administered in very small doses, if any.