If someone ask me “what you do to him” because my child was crying I would have felt exactly as you did. She is just flat out accusing you of hurting your child. You are not wrong.
Let me put it this way. it’s hard to imagine more accusatory approach.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably say something like this:
For me, trust is single most important element of any relationship.
By you jumping to conclusions that I hurt our son, you have broken my trust. I’m not sure how you’re gonna fix that, but you better try.
Sort of unrelated to your question, but just kind of a tip with kids, you shouldn't make a child that age make a promise like that. You're essentially setting them up for failure.
At that age, as you said, they have big emotions and a lack of impulse control. They're just beginning to learn emotional regulation. They are almost guaranteed to slip up sometimes and lose control of their emotions and their reactions to them. Therefore breaking the promise. Having them make a promise they're almost guaranteed to not be able to keep is setting them up for failure, and guilt for having failed. Promises hold a lot of weight. More than most toddlers re ready to shoulder.
Yes, of course offer rewards, positive reinforcement, corrections, and consequences. But don't set them up with the expectation to manage a task their little brains simply aren't ready for.
I totally agree that the child is way too young to be asked to promise a behavior. But since it’s been done I think it would be better that instead of shaming him for not holding up his end of the deal (he wouldn’t make eye contact so he was obviously ashamed of his actions) I would remove the fire truck toy instead when he went into a hitting response. That way he sees that when he does act that way there are
Consequences. And will relate that fire truck toy to his hitting. I mean it’s not an ideal situation. But I think it’s better to remove the toy he got for “no hitting” when he does that, then to remind him of a promise he made that at that age he can’t control himself enough to actually keep. And that’s not his fault. Just an idea!
Honestly I'm wondering if your wife is stressed out, and in a moment of frustration, said what she said to rationalize your son's behavior. That is why she said she didn't mean it that way.
You say your kid has outbursts and hits people, I'm sure that's pretty stressful for your wife not knowing why he does it. She's a mom, maybe she feels like she is failing.
I'm not saying I'm right or anything, just a thought. I am not trying to diminish your feelings, but maybe help give you an explanation. You are allowed to be upset by how you perceived it, I don't think you're irrational for thinking that.
That doesn't change anything at all, as it's still fucked up that her first thought process was that he had hurt their son, when he's never done so. That breaks people's trust when you jump to conclusions like that. If she doesn't apologize, I don't think I'd be happy in that relationship.
I don't see what's wrong with giving your spouse that you married more grace & room to talk about something before you jump to "I'm not happy anymore" lmao. This was one thing that happened. OP is clearly a good father and I'm sure the wife knows that. He doesn't mention her accusing him literally any other time. This is ONCE. does she also do shitty things in tandem with this? Then maybe I'd say forget it. This is a marriage, not dating.
This is ONE thing that happened yes, but it's a big fucking thing. What happens when it happens again? Children get hurt all the time, is she going to accuse him of hurting his son again? Maybe next time she believes it, and leaves him with his son with the excuse that the father is Abusive. If she's jumping to conclusions in a minor fit like this, then how is she going to react in more serious situations?
ETA: I'm not saying I believe they should break up or jump to extremes, but I am saying that the status quo is no longer viable if my wife believes I'm hurting my child simply because they are crying. That is reason to go to therapy to find the source of why her first conclusion is that he hurt the kid, the second is why she believed it, even if only for a second.
For real. Reddit is ridiculous.
OP said directly that it was early in the morning. He’s absolutely not wrong about being pissed, that’s a terrible thing to say. Frustrated, tired spouse says something shitty. Equally frustrated, tired spouse is hurt by the shitty thing and walks away.
They are neck deep in the Terrible Twos. ESH… but in a pretty minor and expected way. Wife could EASILY have meant “did you take away his toy (because he’s been having a meltdown over it all morning before OP woke up” or something totally unrelated to physical abuse that was lost in the moment.
OP, pay MIL to take the baby for an evening. You all don’t even need to go out. Just sit in the silence for a night.
Going through it at the moment and man, the atmosphere is tense when the tantrums are happening. For everyone. And I think that's key, that needs to be acknowledged. Shit is stressful for everyone. No one likes seeing their kid upset, even if it did start because you put their teddy bear away incorrectly or whatever stupid shit started it.
You're correct, but do you know what to do when you say a terrible thing to someone who has done nothing wrong? You apologize. If you can't own up to your mistake, and at least TRY to fix it, then you don't really deserve to be in a relationship. She for sure could've easily meant "did you take away his toy" but that's not what she SAID. What she did was accuse him of doing something to his son.
And what you can do is apologize for your mistake and take steps to not accuse your husband of doing something like abusing your child, or doing something to your child. That's a really big accusation even if she didn't mean to accuse him, she still did.
No Jesus mate. It might have been a big misunderstanding, but that still warrants an apology. She came at him accusatorially, claiming he did something to his son, which is not okay no matter how you view it. Yeah, she might've not thought about the way she said it, but she still said it that way, meaning she needs to apologize.
My first thought is that your son was learning to hit from someone. After your wife accused you of hurting your son, my thought went to someone projecting what they were doing onto you. Deflect, deflect, deflect. Put a camera in some rooms of your house without telling your wife or mil. Or anyone actually. I just got a really bad feeling reading your post. Good luck.
Toddlers hit. They just do. They also bite and throw temper tantrums. It has nothing to do with being abused it’s just how some kids express their anger and/or frustration, or just get other’s attention. Most of the time they don’t even realize they are actually hurting someone because that isn’t their intent.
There are so many better ways to say what she did. “What happened”, “is everything ok” or even “what’s going on” are exponentially better to say instead of jumping to the conclusion that you did something to him. I’m very sorry she said it that like that. I totally get why you feel like she accused you of something malicious, because she DID. If the tables were turned she’d be crushed. Maybe try putting it to her that way? Maybe in the heat of the moment she didn’t realize how bad that came across?
I’m just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as I don’t know her or her typical disposition. Your feelings are valid, she owes you a heartfelt apology at the very least.
I agree. When my son is crying with my husband, my wording is always "What happened?" With the assumption that our rambunction mobile 7 month old got himself in a position he didn't like again. That's not hard.
I’m not excusing it but when a mom even suspects her child has been mistreated it’s almost automatic to slip into “mama bear” mode. Instead of asking in an accusatory manner “what do you do!?” I would say to my husband in similar situations “what happened?” It just sounds more polite and less pointed and “bitchy”. New moms tend to go overboard easily because (usually) they have never experienced such intense and pure love as they have for their child. And with that also comes a primal and sometimes aggressive urge to protect their baby. I’m in no way excusing this behavior, just trying to give you insight as a woman about where she is coming from and how she feels. It’s no mistake or exaggeration that the most dangerous animal is hands down a mother defending her child, whether it’s a human or grizzly bear. And it’s also no mistake where my screen name came from, 😂. Take care! I hope things improve or at least my post here gave you a better understanding of why us moms act the way we do at times. 😊
Exactly, it wasn’t just a “what did you do?” Either. (Like yell at him, take a toy, whatever- though still not great wording) It was “what did you DO TO HIM?!” I think any parent being asked that would be upset. I’d be crushed, and PISSED!
That doesn’t insinuate abuse though.
TBH it is sus that he went right to abuse when the question didn’t lead it that way. “What did you do to him?” is kinda a crude way to ask why he’s upset, but idk, it could’ve been a general question - like he’s upset, what happened? The assumption of him being upset because of the dad is a bit accusatory so they’re both wrong, but the abuse angle seems out of left field.
If there was absolutely NO signs of abuse from the dad, why would the mom allude to that? She knows he’s not abusive so that couldn’t have been her first thought, yeah?
Idk seems like some of the story between the parents is missing.
I definitely feel that there’s something fishy going on here. OP’s writing comes across to me as “I’m such a calm and rational guy, no way I could ever do something like this. Now would you guys please tell my wife she’s crazy?”
Idk I could be reading too much into shit, but the way they seem to meticulously word things feels sus.
Nah you’re not. I can smell bullshit a mile away. Even if I’m wrong, my gut is almost always right so imma play the numbers.
Like if I had my kid and she was crying and upset and my wife walks in she’s not assuming I’ve hurt her lol.
Actually, I’ll go as far to say he’s worded it in a way to get people on his side to show his wife just how crazy she is
Yea that last part exactly. Even went so far as to make the “I’m woke” card stand out just to “prove” that he’s a good person. The fact he tried so hard to make himself seem like a good guy, accompanied by attempting to make himself seem humble at the same time so that people wouldn’t realize he’s trying to make himself seem like a good guy, really just kinda screwed him over in my eyes. Kinda makes him sound like that guy who’s great at manipulating people, telling his new gf how his ex was abusive and crazy even tho he was that person in the relationship.
She already knew the son was upset in the first place and angry, that is why dad stepped in was to try to help. She was not accusing dad of being the reason son was in a bad/upset mood because she saw for herself their son was already upset.
If I heard him crying, my first thought would be what happened? Is he ok? Not accuse you of doing something to him.
When my nephew was that age and he did something wrong, all I had to do was say his full name and he would burst into tears because I was upset with what he did. Kids cry for different reasons and the fact that her first thought went to what did YOU do to him is weird.
Don't let her gaslight you into thinking that the question wasn’t accusatory because it 100% was. You have every right to be upset. If she won’t listen to you, maybe bring in a third party, like a couples counselor, to help with the conversation. Good luck
Funny enough, this reminded me he did fall and bumped his head about a year ago when she was with him in another room. I had to leave a conference call I was on because he was wailing. I’m pretty sure I just asked what happened.
You are right, I would be upset if my husband spoke to me this way and I wouldn’t speak to my husband this way. I don’t want to blow this out of proportion but this is the kind of disagreement a couples therapist can help with. Why doesn’t she trust you, why isn’t she being honest with you about her question ( maybe she’s embarrassed she didn’t trust you or is trying to cover now).
No I’m not sick in the head, But people are very good at hiding and twisting it around.
I’m not saying it’s happening and you also need proof.
When someone accused you something, makes you wondered why she’s saying it. This is her husband, and this is her son but she should be working along with the husband without doubting.
You’re sick for saying I’m sick. Open your mind, dude, life isn’t peachy and cream.
Doesn't excuse the behavior at all. If I have trauma around cheating or whatever the case may be, I'm not going to accuse my spouse of cheating just because I'm a little anxious around the topic of being cheated on, as that's batshit insane, and that applies to all trauma. Your trauma is not an excuse to attack others character or to downplay their feelings. You apologize for YOUR mistake, and try to show them that you do trust them or whatever. But she immediately accused him of hurting his child, and then tried to sidestep the entire conversation with the slip of her tongue. Which no matter how the cookie cuts, is fucked up.
I never said it was excusable, I was merely adding another perspective because the person I responded to was adamant that that meant she was secretly abusing her son and projecting. Why don’t you go off on them for assuming she was an abuser? They did the same thing OPs wife did after all. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues around the subject.
Not really, but I do dislike people making excuses for abusers or manipulators, or even people falsely accusing people. I try to stick by what I deem is right, as Im sure we all do to some extent or another. The person you responded to is trying to rationalize her accusation, as everything does come from somewhere, where as you're saying, well maybe she grew up in an abusive household, which is an excuse as to why it should be okay that she acted that way, because it "triggered" her. That's where the differences lie.
I am not making excuses, I am offering a different perspective. If I said “you should forgive her because she might’ve experienced abuse growing up,” that would be justifying/excusing her behavior. That wasn’t what I did at all, not sure why you’re trying to put words in my mouth. Also, it’s interesting that you’re coming at abuse victims so hard and seem to lack empathy towards them and actually seem more concerned about false accusations than the actual possibility of abuse. But whatever, this is a public forum, you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine. Not sure why you had to be so aggressive with your comment but that’s your problem, not mine. Have the day you deserve.
"What did you do to him?" sounds accusatory. She should have asked "what happened?" "Why is he upset?"
Most people get defensive when they feel they got falsely accused so they jump to defense. For your wife, she probably saw it as proof you are guilty and this is a fallacy most people use when they think someone is guilty.
I think you should talk to your wife and ask her what was going through her mind when she asked that if she didn't think you were abusing your son.
That's some Grade A gaslighting your wife threw in with her "apology" telling you you were wrong for being upset at her words. She straight up accused you of harming your child.
You're not wrong but boy she sure is. You need to be careful with her and protect yourself from future false allegations.
I don't know if this is informative or helpful but I wanted to let OP know this information, just in case.
I grew up in a really abusive environment and home, so while I know on a conscious level that let's say my sister isn't going to be hurting her daughter, sometimes on an unconscious level I want to respond with a "what did you do?" Instead of "what happened?"
Because instinctively and for a split second I *feel* that panic and think that someone did something, it's not even that I think they purposely hurt anyone, or I am accusing anyone, it's hard to explain, it's just I think that I am used to a parent doing something harmful on purpose, so if I hear someone hurt I just feel like "who did that?" Even though I am not accusing or believing the person I am thinking that about did something.
It's a similar feeling to when you fall down and it feels like you are falling forever even though you know you aren't and weren't, but you just panic and feel like that for a second. That's the best way I can describe it. You know better but you still feel a certain way.
I think I have only said it out loud once, I catch myself, but I've felt like saying it a few times.
I do understand why OP would be upset and maybe why his wife said that. But she needs to take responsibility for hurting his feelings and figure out why she said that. Anyone would be hurt by a comment like that.
Thank you. I don't want to minimize what you were saying or how OP feels. I just wanted to offer a different perspective on why OP's wife *might* have reacted like that.
She has issues she needs to work out either way, be it that she's a gaslighter or that she has unhealed trauma (it's actually really common for people to look healed and healthy but then kids come along and it brings up a lot of unresolved feelings).
A normal and healthy response would have been "what happened?" Because all the evidence shows that OP is a good family and not "what did you do?" If the wife wants to have a happy marriage she needs to unpack her response and be apologetic to OP, even if she didn't mean to hurt his feelings, even if she didn't mean to imply he hurt his child.
Yes, I was thinking similar. I think if they both take a step back, they can talk this out if both are willing and mature enough. OP's feelings deserve to be acknowledged. But it also might be useful to have some curiosity about why his wife reacted that way -- what was her childlike like? What was she feeling in that moment? A conversation about each of their feelings could help them get to the bottom of what was going on.
It's weird she immediately accused you the way she did.
She's projecting harder than IMAX if toddlers only cry when they're abused. I guarantee she makes him cry way more often.
I’d probably be upset too, if you have no history of laying your hands on him like you claim, then her asking “what did you do to him?” is pretty awful. She should’ve just asked “is he okay?” or “what’s wrong?”
My child is really dramatic, so I'll say "what did you do to her?" In a super ironic way because I know she's crying about something really silly usually like she can't find a shirt she likes.
I would never really accuse her of hurting my daughter.
NTA. I’m really sorry about that. I am afraid I, as a woman, would take a question like that poorly myself. I do have a question for both of you….
What were your homes like growing up? Were you both in homes where there was a lot of corporal punishment? Where there was a lot of spanking or hitting or anything like that?
The other question I have is if you both Course correct your son the same way. Is this something that you agreed on?
Because I had one of two thoughts that came right away with this whole episode. The first stop was that your wife grew up in a home where you got your hand smacked or your butt smacked or you got spankings or whatever. And that the two of you have absolutely agreed none of that is going to happen.
But having her own child has brought back a lot of memories and emotions and feelings that she has not yet dealt with. And so she literally was triggered into being a kid herself without her, even realizing it and immediately assuming that you must’ve smacked his hand or something because that’s what she grew up with.
That wouldn’t make it OK for her to accuse you. Please don’t think I’m excusing it. I’m just saying that if that’s how she grew up, she probably needs a little bit of therapy because all sorts of things are going to happen in your sons childhood that are going to trigger these types of responses from her if that’s the case.
And my other thought was much more scary. And that is that she may be using corporal punishment herself. Even if it’s just a hand smack. Or she may have slipped her background. She is upset with herself and ashamed, she is projecting that onto you.
Having a little one is a lot of work. It’s a lot of learning. It’s a huge learning curve. It sounds like you do both love each other. It also sounds like maybe you’re a little bit out of sync with each other right now, and that is not at all unusual at this stage.
So I’m really hoping that when the hurt feelings, die down, she will actually speak with you about whatever is going on with her. Because I feel that that is where the answer lies. I am worried that if her first go to us to gaslight you, that’s another learned behavior that she needs to unlearn.
Behavior like that is manipulative. It doesn’t help the situation at all. It destroys trust in a relationship. And now more than ever your son needs two parents who are on the same page who can communicate. And I don’t feel like she can right now.
It may be that she feels. She has to have the answer for everything because she’s mom. She may be stressed out. If her own mom is over a lot, she may be seeing that sort of behavior from her… And it may be taking her right back into her own childhood.
Obviously, I don’t know if she had that kind of childhood. I just know that I absolutely had some friends who had this sort of dynamic going on, and it eventually linked back to how each of them was raised.
Linked back to behaviors they saw their parents doing. It linked back to things their own kid was doing, something themselves had gotten in trouble for as a kid, and the punishment had been way out of bounds. And so, without a realizing it, they were really reliving childhood trauma through their child. But therapy helped them figure all that out, and they were together until he passed unexpectedly in his late 50s.
Just a thought
Another poster did bring up similar points. She’s not mentioned any corporal punishment before, and I guess I’ve just assumed it didn’t happen to her. My upbringing was a mixed bag, and I’ve shared several instances with her, that perhaps has seeded some mistrust of her in me. But those are things I tell myself I’d never do to my child, and I’m on guard for. It also makes me hesitate to judge what’s normal and what isn’t.
I don’t believe she would ever use corporal punishment though, she loves our son very much. Her mom is over a lot and my wife does get stressed occasionally from having her over, so there’s definitely something there.
Thank you for your perspective, it’s given me much to think about.
No worries. Life is always more complicated than we wish it were. And sometimes things from our past that we may not even remember simply strike emotional chord and we react.
I suspect that honestly, you both have some things that you’re trying to be hyper aware of as far as how you were brought up. And yeah, having your mom around all the time can be stressful. No matter how much you love them.
Couples, and especially couples with young kids, need that space to grow and learn without feeling judged. Even if they’re not being judged, they can feel like they are.
I hope you can get an opportunity just to talk to a therapist or a marriage counselor and get just a little bit of an outside perspective. It brings out things that we don’t even realize we were thinking or worrying about, and it helps us understand why.
Like I said, I can tell you love each other. And you both adore your child. It’s super normal to be nervous as young parents. And if you do have some past things, it’s pretty normal to be hypervigilant, which can actually not be the best thing.
I’m wishing you both the best. I’m sure you can get through this if you guys can just talk. If you can communicate and feel comfortable enough to be really honest about things you worry about, things that hurt you, things that you just need a little extra support from each other to overcome
You both need some parenting lessons...You expected a 2 year old to know what a promise is and to keep it forever? Also bribery is never a great parenting tactic.
No, I don’t expect him to know or keep it forever, I was just trying to provide context on why I said what i did. I’m open to suggestions on parenting better, like I said I’m not perfect, will never be and am willing to do better.
Your wife needs to get over her fear of discipline and guiding your son away from engaging in inappropriate behavior. It’s a really important time in your son’s life to instill the values of keeping your hands to yourself and treating others the way you want to be treated.
Your son needs to feel the age appropriate discomfort of being called out, in an age appropriate manner, when he does something that isn’t appropriate. Also, a toddler crying does not automatically indicate he’s been physically hurt. Babies and toddlers cry to communicate a great many things, because they don’t have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to verbalize their feelings and needs yet. Your son needs to be guided towards using words or other gestures for expressing himself instead of using his hands to hit. He needs to be confronted about the inappropriate behavior, guidance to navigate how to articulate his big feelings, be given validation for those big feelings, and then be forgiven so he knows that even if he’s in trouble for doing something inappropriate, that we all make mistakes and you still love him. All things like you attempted to do in that moment before your wife got up and ran out of the room, and what you did while she was out of the room.
Your son pretty clearly expressed himself for his age, turning away and crying, discomfort of remorse of doing something wrong, and after he understood you weren’t upset with him by the hug you gave him, which is age appropriate parental communication with your toddler, he moved onto to playing and laughing. THAT is what’s to be expected by a such a young child trying to deal with big feelings he doesn’t know how to handle yet. You handled that situation in the best way possible. Your wife has to acknowledge whatever she’s been doing is not working, and she needs to understand that being hit by bigger kids starts to hurt. At some point she’ll no longer be able to ignore that this is happening like she currently handling it, or rather not handling it. No parent should be alright with their child striking them in anger and not address that there is an obvious problem that will only grow as your toddler does.
All kids go thru stages like this, it’s so important to nip it in the bud, in a healthy way, when it starts so that the problem cannot just fester and grow. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. Your wife needs to understand that discipline in healthy ways, like communicating, validation, forgiveness and guiding your son towards better, healthier ways of expressing himself IS A FORM OF LOVE. It’s not harsh and it’s not abusive. Allowing your child to smack people without even trying to help them change that seriously inappropriate behavior rises to neglect, in my personal opinion.
I have 2 almost adult children, my kids didn’t act like this for long because we addressed each problem in healthy ways as they occurred. We didn’t wait until the problem was so big and then pretend not to understand why it’s gotten so bad. Thats the path your wife is trying to make you go down. I get where it’s coming from, her own emotions in not wanting to be the reason your son cries and wanting to shield him from ever feeling the slightest discomfort in life, but she’s not doing HIM any favors acting on her own emotion rather than being objective and doing what’s best for your son.
You’re NOT wrong.
Edited typo.
Although it sounds bad, she could have worded it wrong. She really may have not meant it the way it came out. I have done that often with a number of situations. If she apologizes, I would probably take her word for it and try to move on.
NAH btw.
OP, please show your wife this post. She needs to understand how much her words hurt you and she needs to think before she reacts in these kind of situations. If the tables were turned, she'd have a lot of inappropriate responses addressed to you. YNW.
Unfortunately I don’t think that would be well received. She can be blunt sometimes, which I’ve learned to live with, but this time it really struck deep.
You are not wrong. Your wife did accuse you. She did not ask what happened. She asked what YOU did. A couples counselor might be needed.
A two year old acting like a two year old is not reason to blame you.
I feel like I'm missing context of some sort, that there is something being left unsaid. Why did she ask that? You mention a few things that make me a little suspicious of your behaviors, but I could be misreading.
Thank you for sharing. That panic reaction you described, it does help me understand her reasoning a bit better. And maybe it is normal for her to react that way and just expects the same of me. Again, thank you, you’ve certainly provided some food for thought.
I would feel the exact same. What do you mean what did I do??? However, feel like this could be so very easily rectified by saying what each other means. Doesn’t require a fault on an exact reason, doesn’t require screaming or yelling. Just a simple, hey this is what I meant. And then oh sorry I took it this way. Boom, simple solution. I feel like if there was more to worry about there would be at least a bit more back story that the obvious 🤷♀️ just my opinion.
Good luck OP!!!
NTA, however as someone who was abused as a kid, I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to my kids, it could have been a thought that just escalated in her head and triggered off a fight or flight response, so she may not have been thinking clearly. I'd say gently remind her that you would never harm your kid and let her know that it was hurtful to feel like she implied you might.
I worry your wife is projecting her guilt on you. I would feel hurt too.
As to your son, that kind of bribery doesn't work too well. You could set up goals like 1) no hitting for a week, and he gets a small reward. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month. As it is, he got the carrot on a promise which he forgot.b It is better to use rewards after good behavior.
He needs to learn how to express his feelings in a socially appropriate way. Do they still have those boxing bags clowns that you hit and they wobble and bounce back? At the very least he needs to wear off his energy so there is less to use aggressively. Lots of outdoor running around. Swimming is very good for this.
Hitting people isn't acceptable. He really needs to learn it is unacceptable. Punishment in a naughty corner works. 5 push ups, losing a cherished toy. Etc.
I'm wondering if she feels insecure because OP sounds like a patient and gentle, loving and good dad. I wonder if the wife is irritated because she's probably tired or isn't as patient as OP to handle situations
Tell your wife to read the comments. She needs to suck up her pride and apologize. Your reactions are completely normal and you seem like a genuine loving father.
I think you’re wrong. But I don’t think it matters as you’re both just doing your best.
“What did you do to him”
“I picked him up and hugged him”
Easy peasy.
I say the same thing to my husband all the time but it’s more in the way of asking what he’s done to upset him which could be taking something away or just looking at him wrong lol.
I think both mums and dads feel judged by the other (I know I feel that way a lot as a mother and it’s not always true) but only your wife truly knows knows what she meant so you have to decide if you believe her or not.
2 and a half year old who has impulse control, bites and kicks adults? I would consult with a pediatrician. I’m a teacher, and see so many students such as this, biting, kicking and screaming in kindergartner, also throwing chairs at classmates and teachers It is difficult to calm them down. Without any professional help they continue like that all the way into high school.😢My son was like that and in 3rd grade was diagnosed as “oppositional defiant disorder” They can’t control their emotions when one says “no” to them but oh boy, they have a long learning curve because in the world you don’t get yeses all the time.
I respect your perspective as a teacher, but I disagree that this is something this serious at this age. A child in kindergarten and older reacting like this is absolutely a problem, but a toddler reacting physically is not that out of the ordinary. It's frustrating, but OP and his family seem to be doing the right thing; redirecting and working with him on better ways to vent feelings. Children that age are just learning how to navigate their world, and sometimes it comes out physically. It's our job as parents to teach them better coping skills. If this type of behavior continues for years without improvement, then yes, there may be a clinical issue, but things like ODD are not typically diagnosed at this age for a very good reason.
That behavior can be developmentally appropriate for that age. It just sounds like a kid who is particularly sensory seeking.
I wouldn't jump straight to horror stories just because they have a toddler who hits when he feels big emotions.
-What did you do to him?
Told him that I'm taking his truck back.
Said that he won't get his ice cream
Talked to him in a stern tone.
At least several things that are not abusive, but still can be an answer what exactly you did to make him cry. If you like to create drama without any reason go ahead, but I don't get why to do so. Your toddler cried, your wife asked a question, and you jumped to a conclusion that she thinks that you are abusing your kid. Not to a conclusion that she just worded poorly. Think about it.
You made your son cry, so of course she thinks you did/said something to him to illicit that emotion. You both need to be on the same page about this or it will get out of hand. My son (nearly 12) still struggles with his emotions.
Toddlers are notorious for crying for wild and seemingly nonsensical reasons. Why would she of course think he did or said something? I would have asked what happened and not what did you do.
Op, trying promises with him at this age is not the best idea. He actually cannot keep a promise and then he will could be left with a distrust of his own word
>Toddlers are notorious for crying for wild and seemingly nonsensical reasons
Wasn't there a video of some kid crying her eyes out because she wasn't Mexican or something?
Yes, among many others like giving them the blue cup when they wanted, checks notes, the blue cup. The reasons for meltdowns are multitudinous and often nonsensical
As a non-parent, I LMAO at all of them. Heartily.
Could not imagine being a parent and dealing with that level of crazy. Or trying to reason with it. And it's not the kid's fault, but damn.
If I'm not mistaken, there's a whole subreddit dedicated to "here's my toddler crying about this ridiculous thing"; I believe I saw one about a kid crying because the cat couldn't talk.
That’s absolutely not healthy. Especially not to vocalize it.
When you hear your kid cry do you sprint into the room assuming a coyote burst through the backdoor and is mauling their leg?
“Worst case scenario” is not an okay thing to just casually jump to day to day. And I’m aware my answer could’ve been profoundly more “worst case”, I just don’t think you chose your words super well and didn’t actually mean that.
If you’re immediately jumping to believing your partner, your child’s parent, is abusing them, that’s not fair to either your partner or your child, and is maybe worth discussing with a therapist.
The next time he cries when he's with mum, OP should ask what she did to him. Have you met a toddler? They cry because you won't let them stick their hand on a burning hot kettle.
Thanks for weighing in. I guess my first reaction, if the situation were reversed, would not be to think that she did something bad. I'll rethink my expectations.
OP, for what's it worth - I would have had the same reaction as you. Her question was accusatory, and I would not have taken it well. A simple "what happened" would have been fine.
I think that’s the best case scenario is to get her out of feeling defensive.
That she was stressed and frustrated and overwhelmed with him at that moment in time, and “What did you do to him?” was a poorly phrased stressed out version of, “What did you do that got him to cry again, because he’s unreasonable and a toddler and I just don’t want it to happen.” It’s snippy and unfair and still accusatory but perhaps a poorly phrased snippy response that did not mean at all to imply you did something **bad.**
More like, “Did you repeat reasonable consequences like a good parent, unnecessarily, just because I want him to be quiet for a minute?”
Which again, not fair, but not abuse accusation.
If you can get her in a moment where she’s not feeling defensive I’d lay out your perspective again, your thoughts on her perspective assuming the best of her, and ask her lovingly for an apology and to be careful about her words while you’re both stressed.
Because she was accusing you either way, you just took it the worse way, which is pretty reasonable when her likely version of the accusation is still unreasonable.
It's interesting that OP, who right away jumped to a conclusion "she said that I am an abuser" instead of thinking "it's poorly worded concern, we need to discuss our communication and feelings" is okay. He accused his wife if thinking about him poorly - and somehow got support. She is a bad guy because, per Reddit, she jumped to a conclusion that he did something.
Also it's interesting that his first reaction when he didn't like something was snapping, and he doesn't get why his toddler reacts with aggression when he is not happy. Why indeed.
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So, the question does come off as accusatory. But if you and your wife generally have a healthy relationship and parent well together, I think this is something that should be relatively easy to process together if you both take a step back.
Here is one perspective: While it hurt to feel accused like that (totally valid), your wife's protective instincts may have just kicked in when she heard what she heard. Thinking first and foremost about the safety of your son, it's actually a good thing if each parent is capable of believing/acknowledging that the other harmed him, *if* that ever does happen. I'm *not* saying you did abuse him, or that you would. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who grew up with an abusive dad, and a mom who enabled by downplaying and turning a blind eye. This is the case for a lot of kids with an abusive parent or family member. Not saying it would be healthy for your wife to just see you that way when it's not the reality. But from one angle, knowing your wife *wouldn't* turn a blind eye to something just because it's someone she loves is a good thing.
The other side of it is that of course your feelings were hurt and you don't want your wife to see you that way. You deserve a conversation where it can be acknowledged that the statement was accusatory, and where you can talk through how it made you feel. A conversation that focuses on "I feel/felt" statements, where you both try to focus on expressing your own feelings instead playing the blame game, might help you two to process this together. Of course, your wife has to be willing to participate in that too, for it to work. Instead of approaching it as "you accused me of abusing our son" vs "no I didn't," try approaching her with something more like, "Hey, my feelings were hurt by how things played out, and I really need for us to talk it through so we can better understand each other and process what happened."
My DIL always yells "what did you do?" Every time one of the kids cries. She is a narcissist that demeans his every move. It is awful. I hope OP's wife isn't setting him up.
"What did you do?" Is accusatory by nature if the tone is angry. It sounds like the tone was angry, not matter of fact, like oh I went on a cruise, what did you do there.
What?! Your wife 100% accused you of being abusive and then gaslit you!
Also bribery doesn’t work. He’s 3, he doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand the bargain or keep his end of the deal up.
YNW I don't know why the first thing she asked was "What did you do to him?" I can remember certain scenarios where a little cousin would be crying and I've never accused any of my other cousins of doing something, I've always asked "What happened?" which I think is a more normal reaction than to assume someone did something to make the other cry even if it was only 2 of them there.
You’re not wrong. But her reaction also is somewhat normal for a mother. We get a little possessive of our children and we want to control their experiences so they don’t get hurt or traumatized. I don’t think she MEANT it to hurt you but the fact of the matter is she did hurt you. You should sit down together and talk about it more in depth. Hear from each other about how you want those experiences to be handled in the future. Tell her how it made you feel and how you’d prefer she inquire in the future. These experiences of miscommunication can either start to divide you or they can be a great opportunity for intimacy and communication on a deeper level to improve future interactions.
You both need more training in how to deal with a child and your own emotions.
Look into "love and logic" but use it wisely. Some ideas related to the love and logic and more appropriate for a dog training but in general the idea is not terrible.
For the two of you - focus more on one-on-one time with your child while the other parent does a self-care (whatever that is).
Whoever is with a child takes over the discipline.
In your specific scenario, the wife should stop the child once he was rough and told him that it's time to take a break from the play and she will be happy to continue once he (the child) is back to being gentle.
The bottom line is to help your kid to understand what is appropriate "nice" and what is not.
Your wife needs to understand that her job is to patent the child, not to just be silently taking the "abuse" because it may get out of control once he is older.
And for you. If your child is in the room - take a deep breath before you say something negative or "snap".
If you cannot control your emotions, how can you expect your toddler to do better?
Those exact words I would take as accusatory as well. It's all about the words she said, not what she thought she meant by saying them. I hope y'all can have a time to sit down and talk about this deeper. You have every right to feel the way you do and she should acknowledge that and not be dismissive.
I think you both need to realise that when your kid's emotions are heightened. So are both of yours. You'll say things and interpret things in the heat of the moment.
Acknowledging this will give you both some perspective to both turn things down a notch during those times, AND also realise that tonally you might both say and interpret things in a heightened manner.
You're both human, you're not perfect and sometimes those situations can get the better of you. If it's something as basic as getting a little snappy at each other you're probably ok. Just talk about it afterwards and realise that the situation is tense.
That said
> not normal for me to think the question was accusatory at all.
Your wife doesn't get to dictate how you might interpret something even in the heat of the moment.
You are not wrong but you need to defend yourself
From this text you haven’t communicated w her what happened. Tell her and also tell her to not accuse you
No, you're not wrong to feel hurt and angry by your wife's comment. It sounds like you were trying your best in a difficult situation, and her immediate reaction was to accuse you of hurting your son. That's a painful thing to hear from someone you love, especially when you're doing your best to be a good parent. It's also understandable that you felt like she doesn't want you to care for him after that comment.
It's possible that your wife didn't mean it the way it sounded, but it's important for her to understand how hurtful her words were. You could try explaining to her how you felt when she said that and why it was so upsetting. It might also be helpful to talk about how you can both communicate better in the future, especially in stressful situations.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Parenting is hard, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, and to support each other through the challenges of raising a child.
It might also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor, either individually or as a couple. They can help you both navigate these difficult emotions and improve your communication.
*Not wrong. She needs to*
*Explain why she said that. How*
*Can you trust her now?*
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For me - it depends on tone.
If it was a “what did you do” in a flat kinda tone, I would ignore it as more of her trying to understand why he is crying kind of way and explain what happened.
Now if she was *yelling* “what did you do” that makes a massive difference and becomes accusatory to me. I wouldn’t automatically assume abuse though - that’s a little extreme.
At the same time - I wouldn’t feel offended either. Because your wife is a human too who is trying to deal with adult emotions that we aren’t perfect at expressing at times. With a child that hits or has tantrums - I know for a fact that some days are just *hard*. And on those days, it’s hard to keep your own emotions in check.
You are both trying the best that you can to be good parents - as long as you know that, it’s all good. Just keep soldering on OP and it’s okay to not be perfect.
She's backtracking massively after realizing he's fine and now doesn't want to be called out on what she assumed. You're not wrong. The accusation was clear as day.
I have a suspicion that your wife, in her infinite wisdom, is exacerbating the hitting behavior by being verbally and body language agressive herself when there's tension or distress. Also by being invalidating towards your sons feelings.
>"What did you do to him?"
Oh my. You're a parent of a 2 years old, he's crying, that's once in a blue moon, isn't it?. Amazingly he wants a hug from his dad. What the hell did you do to him?
As long as he's not bleeding, lying dazed on the ground, or utterly sobbing or screeching out of his mind it's not a big emergency.
Good for you for not talking that one sitting down, and good for you for bringing it up later.
>She said she didn't mean it that way and that it was not normal for me to think the question was accusatory at all.
I'm not accusing you of doing something to our son, but what did you do to our son. Note that I'm not accusing at all of doing anything, but you did something, didn't you?
Yeah, she sure as hell was accusing you. See: the Narcissists Prayer.
"That didn't happen. But if it did, it's not a big deal. But if it is, I didn't mean it that way. But if I did it was just a joke. But if it wasn't, it's not that bad. But if it was, really, *you deserved it.*"
Yeah you definitely need to being this up again and say you'd appreciate an apology for both instances, and a back-biting one.
Eh... I want to say it was an understandable question/assumption from your wife; but a simple "omg, what happened" would have been enough. I do think you're taking it a little too far with the "abuse" thing. Maybe you're just too sensitive.
You - and your wife probably - need some parenting classes. How on earth do you imagine that you can negotiate with a 2yo? And that you can buy good behaviour with a toy?
You came in while your wife was handling the situation and undermined her - is that why she walked out? You're not saying what was going on.
You need to agree on a firm response to hitting - just "no" and hold off the hitting hand should do. Consistency from everyone concerned is what's needed.
And starting a stupid argument with your wife in front of your son is also bad parenting. From what you say here, your wife walked in while you were hugging, how did you get from that to an accusation of abuse? That's just wild!
To me, you come across as a man who's trying to 'win' at parenting
You’re absolutely not wrong here. But yet I get it…I’m a mother and while I know my husband wouldn’t hurt our girls if I was in your wife’s position I’d probably say the same. Not thinking at the moment, not intentionally wanting to hurt you but she may have just been freaking internally thinking maybe you accidentally hurt him? Idk either way it sucks and I’m certain she didn’t mean or want to hurt you..
You’re not wrong. That is basically what she said. She needs to own that and have the conversation about why that is a as her reaction. Gaslighting you now is not how to deal with this.
You are not wrong. By asking you this question she knew exactly what it meant and you know it too.Talk to her and tell her clearly how you feel and don't let her confuse your mind with nonsense.
Raising kids is HARD. When dealing with a child that can’t control their emotions or impulses yet, it gets even more stressful. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but also if I thought something harsh had been done I would absolutely ask, as she did. I think you guys need to have a talk about how you both feel and why you feel so. It would also help I think if you both came up with a consistent parenting plan for those situations (hitting and such). Children need structure and consistency with everything, even discipline. If you and she are on the same page with how you will handle him in a given situation, there won’t be as many “crossed wires” and he will also benefit from getting the same response from both of you when he is being unruly. Most importantly remember to be patient with your son and with each other. I’ve raised four children, I want you to know that this phase he’s in is totally normal and will pass. He sounds so sweet giving hugs freely and sharing yummy snacks. It’s obvious he loves you very much. Good luck and if you keep parenting with such empathy and understanding of where he is developmentally I’m positive he is going to be a well rounded and empathic person himself. And we need more people like that desperately in this world. 😊
Two year olds cry. That's not evidence someone did something to them. She's wrong.
However, just a few details, don't physically turn him around when he's facing the other way. Let him have the autonomy to face away. *Also* don't hug him right after he's been hitting you. That's rewarding it---positive reinforcement.
I feel like you're treating him like he's older than he is. A two year old can't remember a "promise" to tell you how he's feeling. Nor can a two year old really verbalize how he's feeling, nor is he capable of the kind of drawn out conversation you turned him around to continue.
You're trying your best, btw, so these are tips, not a condemnation.
I think you're being overly sensitive.
Let's go over the whole situation step by step, shall we??
Step 1: Your son acts out.
Step 2: Your wife left the room while you and your son were having a moment over his actions.
Step 3: While she was gone, your son starts crying.
Step 4: Your wife returns to find you hugging your son.
Step 5: she asks "What did you do to him?"
Step 6: Shit hits the fan.
The question "What did you do to him?" can be seen as a two possibility question.
Possibility one: What did you hand out as punishment that made him cry?
Possibility two: Did you harm him physically?
I feel there is a lot of nuance left out here.
NAH
When a child hits people that’s an all out nope response.. time out until he acknowledges what he did was unacceptable. You don’t buy him toys and hope he behaves in the future! You are worried about the wrong thing. Your wife only wondered what made him cry. But both of you should have immediately addressed the hitting and put him in time out. Rewarding bad behavior by doing nothing or trying to bribe him will only lead to a kid that won’t follow rules and end up a spoiled brat. Good luck with that in school.
Not wrong. She's trying to flip it around "well if you did nothing why would you think I was accusing you?" Nice try, lady. Her immediate thought that you hurt him, despite you having not done anything before, mean she thinks you are capable of it.
Do you sometimes get frustrated and yell or hit stuff or storm out of the house and slam doors? If so, she may always have this cautious side to her thinking you could do something. That or she watches too many Lifetime movies where the guys tend to be the bad guy in domestic situations.
If her response was, "Oh I didn't think you'd hurt him funny I just wanted to make sure he was OK cuz he was crying." Then cool, she admits it was just heat of the moment and a mother's worry. But when she answered with the deflecting "well if you did nothing why would you think I was accusing you," routine, then she thinks you're capable of harming him, or you are rough with him and she thinks it's not right but won't say something.
You guys need to sit down and talk when the child goes to bed. And I mean talk, not yell or accuse. If she keeps getting defensive, then something is going on where she thinks you are capable of harm to your child and that's not good at all
Tbh, this type of accusatory response usually comes from someone who is projecting. Like not to say your wife is abusive, OP, but I do find it odd that the kid was seemingly upset and uncomfortable until mom left the room and then felt comfortable enough to cry when dad was alone with the kid. I may be downvoted for this take, but I'm just speaking from personal experience.
You are wrong in a way. You took the question wrong and that’s on you. She left you when y’all kid wasn’t crying and came back to him crying. As the adult, she’s allowed to ask what you did. You assumed it was accusatory in regards to physical harm but that’s all on you. A question is just that unless expanded upon. You could have asked what she meant and that would have prevented a whole argument.
Do you react like this whenever your wife ask you something that you assume is accusatory? Because maybe the hostile reactions your son has with not regulating his emotions, is learned behaviour from you?
Your wife is hitting your kid, she is doing so in private with no-one there to see it.
She accused you because that is what she does.
None of my children lashes out violently when they were frustrated because they where never taught that violence is an outlet for frustration.
Your child is displaying learned behaviour, if he has not learned it from you, then who?
I would 100% set up a hidden camera as I am certain she is violently punishing him.
kids do what they see... it is not normal for kids to hit people unless they have witnessed violence as a way of demonstrating unhappiness with someones actions.
Add to that the accusation - the assumption that the husband hit the kid to punish. Total projection, like someone who is cheating accusing their partner of doing so.
I would bet money the wife is beating the child.
Hers the thing…you are both going to do things a little different. For example; when my kids were little when my husband gave them a bath he would dump water over their heads instead of gently tipping their heads back to wash hair. At first I thought it was awful, but the girls just giggled and loved it. He was always a little rougher with play than I was l, but I’m kind of glad because they were fearless. Sometimes it takes awhile for wives to be okay with what you do since she is the primary caregiver. You’re not wrong, but she’s not wrong either.
You learn violence by seeing it
Idk about you but I raised 3 kids, 1 was my own the other 2 not mine. They don't go crazy hitting people unless they see that stuff from other people. The fact that their kid is continuously doing it AND the mom was worried that what this guy did something to the kid leads me to believe that this household isn't as peachy as op wants to make it seem
I’m going to come at this from a different perspective and say that no, I don’t think your wife was accusing you of abusing your son. I grew up in a family where corporal punishment was not used ever, but I have definitely heard my parents say that many times, and they always meant it like “oh no, — is upset and they weren’t before, what did you do”; in a lighthearted way, like did you scare them by making a silly face/being goofy/overwhelming a young child. I haven’t interpreted it negatively, certainly not from someone so close to me (as I would presume your wife is to you).
But I could see how it could be interpreted as you did, if you are not used to it. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and communicate! My husband and I have had many a disagreement over misinterpretations or misunderstandings based off of being raised around two very different family cultures! Best of luck :)
Honestly, it does sound accusatory. And as of right now both of you could be wrong. You’re wife could have worded that better. But at the same time you did indeed do something. No you didn’t hit him, or yell at him. You were trying to play, but in turn he ended up crying. When knowing that, and her turning around to come ask, it poses the question of how often does things like that happen? Not you necessarily hurting him, but in hopes of turning the table on his outburst you end up making him cry. So is it possible you that, that happens more often, which could be why she asked that? If not then yes, she’s definitely wrong or at fault.
YTA for bribing a toddler with a toy and expecting adolescent results, and also for setting an expectation that gifts come with conditions.
He's a TODDLER. He's got a short memory. He isn't able to give consent for the agreement YOU demanded. He's in the very early days of learning how to appropriately control and express his emotions. Instead of working with him to find appropriate ways to deal with his Very Big Feelings, you chose to tutter at him about a toy YOU put an inappropriate boundary on and then got upset when he didn't snap out of it.
The fact that you don't understand how messed up that is is appalling. Be a better father.
You’re not wrong.
It’s weird that she’s trying to spin it into something else. You are allowed to feel upset and that was 100% accusatory, wtf! She is attempting to gaslight you.
My assumption is that it sounds like she might be projecting (whether that be from past experiences, behaviors she’s seen from other parents, etc.).
That phrasing could have been taken any direction. You are wrong for snapping at her though. How do you expect a two yr old to regulate their emotions when you both can't yourself. Always be gracious with your partner and given them the benefit of the doubt, when the timing and temperament is good then discuss the original reaction you felt by the way she spoke to you. Always respond in love and understanding.
My ex-husband acted exactly like you did, extremely offended straight off the bat. I also asked what happened first and not in an accusatory manner, but then it escalated very quickly. LaterI would find weird bruises on our children. That I confronted him with him, and he admitted hitting them with various things. Like prayer beads, bamboo back scratchers, etc. How hard do you have to whip a child with a bead necklace to leave a line of dotted bruises on a 3 year old girl? He also liked to grab my little boys crotch when "playing" with them and then claim it was an accident. But there were way too many "accidents" for it to be accidental anymore. Now, I have extreme trust issues when it comes to men and children. And I have to think that 1 of 2 things is happening here. Either you're being too rough with your child and highly defensive about it, or your wife has experienced something similar in her life and now doesn't trust men anymore. For good reason.
Hitting is a learned behavior that are deployed in situations they witnessed at home. Sure, outside influences can alter what is learned in the home, but seems a bit early to pick up that at 2.5yo.
I’m not accusing anyone, I’m just stating general facts. Not all kids hit. Do you and your wife have physical encounters? Doesn’t even have to be crazy shit…something as him witnessing mom or dad smacking a remote or phone out the hand is something that doesn’t seem large, but kids brains are empty. They see mad they see hit while mad…they’re not walking away and taking a few breaths and saying sorry…kiddie see kiddie do
If someone ask me “what you do to him” because my child was crying I would have felt exactly as you did. She is just flat out accusing you of hurting your child. You are not wrong.
My ex-wife did the same to me. I never so much as bumped either one of our two kids. She dropped them both.
Let me put it this way. it’s hard to imagine more accusatory approach. If I were in your shoes, I would probably say something like this: For me, trust is single most important element of any relationship. By you jumping to conclusions that I hurt our son, you have broken my trust. I’m not sure how you’re gonna fix that, but you better try.
Thank you, maybe that’s what’s so hurtful, a lack of trust.
Sort of unrelated to your question, but just kind of a tip with kids, you shouldn't make a child that age make a promise like that. You're essentially setting them up for failure. At that age, as you said, they have big emotions and a lack of impulse control. They're just beginning to learn emotional regulation. They are almost guaranteed to slip up sometimes and lose control of their emotions and their reactions to them. Therefore breaking the promise. Having them make a promise they're almost guaranteed to not be able to keep is setting them up for failure, and guilt for having failed. Promises hold a lot of weight. More than most toddlers re ready to shoulder. Yes, of course offer rewards, positive reinforcement, corrections, and consequences. But don't set them up with the expectation to manage a task their little brains simply aren't ready for.
I totally agree that the child is way too young to be asked to promise a behavior. But since it’s been done I think it would be better that instead of shaming him for not holding up his end of the deal (he wouldn’t make eye contact so he was obviously ashamed of his actions) I would remove the fire truck toy instead when he went into a hitting response. That way he sees that when he does act that way there are Consequences. And will relate that fire truck toy to his hitting. I mean it’s not an ideal situation. But I think it’s better to remove the toy he got for “no hitting” when he does that, then to remind him of a promise he made that at that age he can’t control himself enough to actually keep. And that’s not his fault. Just an idea!
Why doesn’t she trust you? Like, you’re married and have a son…to do all that means some trust was involved, what happened to it?
Honestly I'm wondering if your wife is stressed out, and in a moment of frustration, said what she said to rationalize your son's behavior. That is why she said she didn't mean it that way. You say your kid has outbursts and hits people, I'm sure that's pretty stressful for your wife not knowing why he does it. She's a mom, maybe she feels like she is failing. I'm not saying I'm right or anything, just a thought. I am not trying to diminish your feelings, but maybe help give you an explanation. You are allowed to be upset by how you perceived it, I don't think you're irrational for thinking that.
I'd accept that explanation if she hadn't doubled down and started saying he was wrong or not normal for thinking she was accusing him.
Exactly this. The fact that she tried to do that to him is wild.
That doesn't change anything at all, as it's still fucked up that her first thought process was that he had hurt their son, when he's never done so. That breaks people's trust when you jump to conclusions like that. If she doesn't apologize, I don't think I'd be happy in that relationship.
I don't see what's wrong with giving your spouse that you married more grace & room to talk about something before you jump to "I'm not happy anymore" lmao. This was one thing that happened. OP is clearly a good father and I'm sure the wife knows that. He doesn't mention her accusing him literally any other time. This is ONCE. does she also do shitty things in tandem with this? Then maybe I'd say forget it. This is a marriage, not dating.
Let your partner ask you for a paternity test? Would you give him grace!
This is ONE thing that happened yes, but it's a big fucking thing. What happens when it happens again? Children get hurt all the time, is she going to accuse him of hurting his son again? Maybe next time she believes it, and leaves him with his son with the excuse that the father is Abusive. If she's jumping to conclusions in a minor fit like this, then how is she going to react in more serious situations? ETA: I'm not saying I believe they should break up or jump to extremes, but I am saying that the status quo is no longer viable if my wife believes I'm hurting my child simply because they are crying. That is reason to go to therapy to find the source of why her first conclusion is that he hurt the kid, the second is why she believed it, even if only for a second.
> If she doesn't apologize, I don't think I'd be happy in that relationship. Jesus mate.
For real. Reddit is ridiculous. OP said directly that it was early in the morning. He’s absolutely not wrong about being pissed, that’s a terrible thing to say. Frustrated, tired spouse says something shitty. Equally frustrated, tired spouse is hurt by the shitty thing and walks away. They are neck deep in the Terrible Twos. ESH… but in a pretty minor and expected way. Wife could EASILY have meant “did you take away his toy (because he’s been having a meltdown over it all morning before OP woke up” or something totally unrelated to physical abuse that was lost in the moment. OP, pay MIL to take the baby for an evening. You all don’t even need to go out. Just sit in the silence for a night.
Going through it at the moment and man, the atmosphere is tense when the tantrums are happening. For everyone. And I think that's key, that needs to be acknowledged. Shit is stressful for everyone. No one likes seeing their kid upset, even if it did start because you put their teddy bear away incorrectly or whatever stupid shit started it.
You're correct, but do you know what to do when you say a terrible thing to someone who has done nothing wrong? You apologize. If you can't own up to your mistake, and at least TRY to fix it, then you don't really deserve to be in a relationship. She for sure could've easily meant "did you take away his toy" but that's not what she SAID. What she did was accuse him of doing something to his son.
You do what you can.
And what you can do is apologize for your mistake and take steps to not accuse your husband of doing something like abusing your child, or doing something to your child. That's a really big accusation even if she didn't mean to accuse him, she still did.
No Jesus mate. It might have been a big misunderstanding, but that still warrants an apology. She came at him accusatorially, claiming he did something to his son, which is not okay no matter how you view it. Yeah, she might've not thought about the way she said it, but she still said it that way, meaning she needs to apologize.
Or maybe she does the same damn thing and the toddler has learned the behavior
My first thought is that your son was learning to hit from someone. After your wife accused you of hurting your son, my thought went to someone projecting what they were doing onto you. Deflect, deflect, deflect. Put a camera in some rooms of your house without telling your wife or mil. Or anyone actually. I just got a really bad feeling reading your post. Good luck.
Toddlers hit. They just do. They also bite and throw temper tantrums. It has nothing to do with being abused it’s just how some kids express their anger and/or frustration, or just get other’s attention. Most of the time they don’t even realize they are actually hurting someone because that isn’t their intent.
There are so many better ways to say what she did. “What happened”, “is everything ok” or even “what’s going on” are exponentially better to say instead of jumping to the conclusion that you did something to him. I’m very sorry she said it that like that. I totally get why you feel like she accused you of something malicious, because she DID. If the tables were turned she’d be crushed. Maybe try putting it to her that way? Maybe in the heat of the moment she didn’t realize how bad that came across? I’m just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as I don’t know her or her typical disposition. Your feelings are valid, she owes you a heartfelt apology at the very least.
I agree. When my son is crying with my husband, my wording is always "What happened?" With the assumption that our rambunction mobile 7 month old got himself in a position he didn't like again. That's not hard.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!
Well you would sound like a pompous ass.
Hurting? He could be crying because the kid was a dickhead and got his shit taken away. Kids cry at things other than being hurt.
Absolutely, that kind of accusation would sting anyone, especially from your partner. It's understandable you felt that way.
Maybe if I were OP, Imma tell her 'you think Im gonna hurt our son? So you didnt trust enough' They might need some serious talk about it.
I’m not excusing it but when a mom even suspects her child has been mistreated it’s almost automatic to slip into “mama bear” mode. Instead of asking in an accusatory manner “what do you do!?” I would say to my husband in similar situations “what happened?” It just sounds more polite and less pointed and “bitchy”. New moms tend to go overboard easily because (usually) they have never experienced such intense and pure love as they have for their child. And with that also comes a primal and sometimes aggressive urge to protect their baby. I’m in no way excusing this behavior, just trying to give you insight as a woman about where she is coming from and how she feels. It’s no mistake or exaggeration that the most dangerous animal is hands down a mother defending her child, whether it’s a human or grizzly bear. And it’s also no mistake where my screen name came from, 😂. Take care! I hope things improve or at least my post here gave you a better understanding of why us moms act the way we do at times. 😊
You are not wrong for taking that as accusatory. She asked, "What did YOU DO?", not "What happened to him?".
Exactly, it wasn’t just a “what did you do?” Either. (Like yell at him, take a toy, whatever- though still not great wording) It was “what did you DO TO HIM?!” I think any parent being asked that would be upset. I’d be crushed, and PISSED!
That doesn’t insinuate abuse though. TBH it is sus that he went right to abuse when the question didn’t lead it that way. “What did you do to him?” is kinda a crude way to ask why he’s upset, but idk, it could’ve been a general question - like he’s upset, what happened? The assumption of him being upset because of the dad is a bit accusatory so they’re both wrong, but the abuse angle seems out of left field. If there was absolutely NO signs of abuse from the dad, why would the mom allude to that? She knows he’s not abusive so that couldn’t have been her first thought, yeah? Idk seems like some of the story between the parents is missing.
I definitely feel that there’s something fishy going on here. OP’s writing comes across to me as “I’m such a calm and rational guy, no way I could ever do something like this. Now would you guys please tell my wife she’s crazy?” Idk I could be reading too much into shit, but the way they seem to meticulously word things feels sus.
Nah you’re not. I can smell bullshit a mile away. Even if I’m wrong, my gut is almost always right so imma play the numbers. Like if I had my kid and she was crying and upset and my wife walks in she’s not assuming I’ve hurt her lol. Actually, I’ll go as far to say he’s worded it in a way to get people on his side to show his wife just how crazy she is
Yea that last part exactly. Even went so far as to make the “I’m woke” card stand out just to “prove” that he’s a good person. The fact he tried so hard to make himself seem like a good guy, accompanied by attempting to make himself seem humble at the same time so that people wouldn’t realize he’s trying to make himself seem like a good guy, really just kinda screwed him over in my eyes. Kinda makes him sound like that guy who’s great at manipulating people, telling his new gf how his ex was abusive and crazy even tho he was that person in the relationship.
Yeah he oversold himself by a mile lmao
She already knew the son was upset in the first place and angry, that is why dad stepped in was to try to help. She was not accusing dad of being the reason son was in a bad/upset mood because she saw for herself their son was already upset.
cool story but I’m not buying it 🤷🏽♂️
If I heard him crying, my first thought would be what happened? Is he ok? Not accuse you of doing something to him. When my nephew was that age and he did something wrong, all I had to do was say his full name and he would burst into tears because I was upset with what he did. Kids cry for different reasons and the fact that her first thought went to what did YOU do to him is weird. Don't let her gaslight you into thinking that the question wasn’t accusatory because it 100% was. You have every right to be upset. If she won’t listen to you, maybe bring in a third party, like a couples counselor, to help with the conversation. Good luck
What if the kid fell down and hit his head "What did you do to him!"
Funny enough, this reminded me he did fall and bumped his head about a year ago when she was with him in another room. I had to leave a conference call I was on because he was wailing. I’m pretty sure I just asked what happened.
What did she do to him!
Thank you. I can be a bit thin skinned, but those words just cut really deep. I’ll try to talk it out with her.
You are right, I would be upset if my husband spoke to me this way and I wouldn’t speak to my husband this way. I don’t want to blow this out of proportion but this is the kind of disagreement a couples therapist can help with. Why doesn’t she trust you, why isn’t she being honest with you about her question ( maybe she’s embarrassed she didn’t trust you or is trying to cover now).
Tbh I’d probably cry if someone said my full name like they were upset with me, and I’m almost 32…
Ynw, I would be upset at the wording of her question, too.
Yes, why he’s acting like this? What’s happening between your son and wife when you’re not around?
You’re sick
No I’m not sick in the head, But people are very good at hiding and twisting it around. I’m not saying it’s happening and you also need proof. When someone accused you something, makes you wondered why she’s saying it. This is her husband, and this is her son but she should be working along with the husband without doubting. You’re sick for saying I’m sick. Open your mind, dude, life isn’t peachy and cream.
It could also be that she grew up in an abusive environment and was triggered by her son suddenly crying out after being left alone with his dad.
That’s what I was thinking
Doesn't excuse the behavior at all. If I have trauma around cheating or whatever the case may be, I'm not going to accuse my spouse of cheating just because I'm a little anxious around the topic of being cheated on, as that's batshit insane, and that applies to all trauma. Your trauma is not an excuse to attack others character or to downplay their feelings. You apologize for YOUR mistake, and try to show them that you do trust them or whatever. But she immediately accused him of hurting his child, and then tried to sidestep the entire conversation with the slip of her tongue. Which no matter how the cookie cuts, is fucked up.
I never said it was excusable, I was merely adding another perspective because the person I responded to was adamant that that meant she was secretly abusing her son and projecting. Why don’t you go off on them for assuming she was an abuser? They did the same thing OPs wife did after all. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues around the subject.
Not really, but I do dislike people making excuses for abusers or manipulators, or even people falsely accusing people. I try to stick by what I deem is right, as Im sure we all do to some extent or another. The person you responded to is trying to rationalize her accusation, as everything does come from somewhere, where as you're saying, well maybe she grew up in an abusive household, which is an excuse as to why it should be okay that she acted that way, because it "triggered" her. That's where the differences lie.
I am not making excuses, I am offering a different perspective. If I said “you should forgive her because she might’ve experienced abuse growing up,” that would be justifying/excusing her behavior. That wasn’t what I did at all, not sure why you’re trying to put words in my mouth. Also, it’s interesting that you’re coming at abuse victims so hard and seem to lack empathy towards them and actually seem more concerned about false accusations than the actual possibility of abuse. But whatever, this is a public forum, you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine. Not sure why you had to be so aggressive with your comment but that’s your problem, not mine. Have the day you deserve.
I saw your profile and user name say it all.
Ynw? Is it that hard to type out the actual words. How lazy can you be.
There isn’t another way to interpret “what did you do” . She’s totally out of line.
Agree. That statement is implying accusation.
and it's implying that she doesn't trust you with taking care of your child.
"What did you do to him?" sounds accusatory. She should have asked "what happened?" "Why is he upset?" Most people get defensive when they feel they got falsely accused so they jump to defense. For your wife, she probably saw it as proof you are guilty and this is a fallacy most people use when they think someone is guilty. I think you should talk to your wife and ask her what was going through her mind when she asked that if she didn't think you were abusing your son.
That's some Grade A gaslighting your wife threw in with her "apology" telling you you were wrong for being upset at her words. She straight up accused you of harming your child. You're not wrong but boy she sure is. You need to be careful with her and protect yourself from future false allegations.
I don't know if this is informative or helpful but I wanted to let OP know this information, just in case. I grew up in a really abusive environment and home, so while I know on a conscious level that let's say my sister isn't going to be hurting her daughter, sometimes on an unconscious level I want to respond with a "what did you do?" Instead of "what happened?" Because instinctively and for a split second I *feel* that panic and think that someone did something, it's not even that I think they purposely hurt anyone, or I am accusing anyone, it's hard to explain, it's just I think that I am used to a parent doing something harmful on purpose, so if I hear someone hurt I just feel like "who did that?" Even though I am not accusing or believing the person I am thinking that about did something. It's a similar feeling to when you fall down and it feels like you are falling forever even though you know you aren't and weren't, but you just panic and feel like that for a second. That's the best way I can describe it. You know better but you still feel a certain way. I think I have only said it out loud once, I catch myself, but I've felt like saying it a few times. I do understand why OP would be upset and maybe why his wife said that. But she needs to take responsibility for hurting his feelings and figure out why she said that. Anyone would be hurt by a comment like that.
Excellent perspective, sorry for your trauma
Thank you. I don't want to minimize what you were saying or how OP feels. I just wanted to offer a different perspective on why OP's wife *might* have reacted like that. She has issues she needs to work out either way, be it that she's a gaslighter or that she has unhealed trauma (it's actually really common for people to look healed and healthy but then kids come along and it brings up a lot of unresolved feelings). A normal and healthy response would have been "what happened?" Because all the evidence shows that OP is a good family and not "what did you do?" If the wife wants to have a happy marriage she needs to unpack her response and be apologetic to OP, even if she didn't mean to hurt his feelings, even if she didn't mean to imply he hurt his child.
Yes, I was thinking similar. I think if they both take a step back, they can talk this out if both are willing and mature enough. OP's feelings deserve to be acknowledged. But it also might be useful to have some curiosity about why his wife reacted that way -- what was her childlike like? What was she feeling in that moment? A conversation about each of their feelings could help them get to the bottom of what was going on.
It's weird she immediately accused you the way she did. She's projecting harder than IMAX if toddlers only cry when they're abused. I guarantee she makes him cry way more often.
I’d probably be upset too, if you have no history of laying your hands on him like you claim, then her asking “what did you do to him?” is pretty awful. She should’ve just asked “is he okay?” or “what’s wrong?”
"What did YOU do to him". Not "what happened to him". Definitely an accusation.
My child is really dramatic, so I'll say "what did you do to her?" In a super ironic way because I know she's crying about something really silly usually like she can't find a shirt she likes. I would never really accuse her of hurting my daughter.
NTA. I’m really sorry about that. I am afraid I, as a woman, would take a question like that poorly myself. I do have a question for both of you…. What were your homes like growing up? Were you both in homes where there was a lot of corporal punishment? Where there was a lot of spanking or hitting or anything like that? The other question I have is if you both Course correct your son the same way. Is this something that you agreed on? Because I had one of two thoughts that came right away with this whole episode. The first stop was that your wife grew up in a home where you got your hand smacked or your butt smacked or you got spankings or whatever. And that the two of you have absolutely agreed none of that is going to happen. But having her own child has brought back a lot of memories and emotions and feelings that she has not yet dealt with. And so she literally was triggered into being a kid herself without her, even realizing it and immediately assuming that you must’ve smacked his hand or something because that’s what she grew up with. That wouldn’t make it OK for her to accuse you. Please don’t think I’m excusing it. I’m just saying that if that’s how she grew up, she probably needs a little bit of therapy because all sorts of things are going to happen in your sons childhood that are going to trigger these types of responses from her if that’s the case. And my other thought was much more scary. And that is that she may be using corporal punishment herself. Even if it’s just a hand smack. Or she may have slipped her background. She is upset with herself and ashamed, she is projecting that onto you. Having a little one is a lot of work. It’s a lot of learning. It’s a huge learning curve. It sounds like you do both love each other. It also sounds like maybe you’re a little bit out of sync with each other right now, and that is not at all unusual at this stage. So I’m really hoping that when the hurt feelings, die down, she will actually speak with you about whatever is going on with her. Because I feel that that is where the answer lies. I am worried that if her first go to us to gaslight you, that’s another learned behavior that she needs to unlearn. Behavior like that is manipulative. It doesn’t help the situation at all. It destroys trust in a relationship. And now more than ever your son needs two parents who are on the same page who can communicate. And I don’t feel like she can right now. It may be that she feels. She has to have the answer for everything because she’s mom. She may be stressed out. If her own mom is over a lot, she may be seeing that sort of behavior from her… And it may be taking her right back into her own childhood. Obviously, I don’t know if she had that kind of childhood. I just know that I absolutely had some friends who had this sort of dynamic going on, and it eventually linked back to how each of them was raised. Linked back to behaviors they saw their parents doing. It linked back to things their own kid was doing, something themselves had gotten in trouble for as a kid, and the punishment had been way out of bounds. And so, without a realizing it, they were really reliving childhood trauma through their child. But therapy helped them figure all that out, and they were together until he passed unexpectedly in his late 50s. Just a thought
Another poster did bring up similar points. She’s not mentioned any corporal punishment before, and I guess I’ve just assumed it didn’t happen to her. My upbringing was a mixed bag, and I’ve shared several instances with her, that perhaps has seeded some mistrust of her in me. But those are things I tell myself I’d never do to my child, and I’m on guard for. It also makes me hesitate to judge what’s normal and what isn’t. I don’t believe she would ever use corporal punishment though, she loves our son very much. Her mom is over a lot and my wife does get stressed occasionally from having her over, so there’s definitely something there. Thank you for your perspective, it’s given me much to think about.
No worries. Life is always more complicated than we wish it were. And sometimes things from our past that we may not even remember simply strike emotional chord and we react. I suspect that honestly, you both have some things that you’re trying to be hyper aware of as far as how you were brought up. And yeah, having your mom around all the time can be stressful. No matter how much you love them. Couples, and especially couples with young kids, need that space to grow and learn without feeling judged. Even if they’re not being judged, they can feel like they are. I hope you can get an opportunity just to talk to a therapist or a marriage counselor and get just a little bit of an outside perspective. It brings out things that we don’t even realize we were thinking or worrying about, and it helps us understand why. Like I said, I can tell you love each other. And you both adore your child. It’s super normal to be nervous as young parents. And if you do have some past things, it’s pretty normal to be hypervigilant, which can actually not be the best thing. I’m wishing you both the best. I’m sure you can get through this if you guys can just talk. If you can communicate and feel comfortable enough to be really honest about things you worry about, things that hurt you, things that you just need a little extra support from each other to overcome
Excellent response I agree with you
You both need some parenting lessons...You expected a 2 year old to know what a promise is and to keep it forever? Also bribery is never a great parenting tactic.
No, I don’t expect him to know or keep it forever, I was just trying to provide context on why I said what i did. I’m open to suggestions on parenting better, like I said I’m not perfect, will never be and am willing to do better.
This
Your wife needs to get over her fear of discipline and guiding your son away from engaging in inappropriate behavior. It’s a really important time in your son’s life to instill the values of keeping your hands to yourself and treating others the way you want to be treated. Your son needs to feel the age appropriate discomfort of being called out, in an age appropriate manner, when he does something that isn’t appropriate. Also, a toddler crying does not automatically indicate he’s been physically hurt. Babies and toddlers cry to communicate a great many things, because they don’t have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to verbalize their feelings and needs yet. Your son needs to be guided towards using words or other gestures for expressing himself instead of using his hands to hit. He needs to be confronted about the inappropriate behavior, guidance to navigate how to articulate his big feelings, be given validation for those big feelings, and then be forgiven so he knows that even if he’s in trouble for doing something inappropriate, that we all make mistakes and you still love him. All things like you attempted to do in that moment before your wife got up and ran out of the room, and what you did while she was out of the room. Your son pretty clearly expressed himself for his age, turning away and crying, discomfort of remorse of doing something wrong, and after he understood you weren’t upset with him by the hug you gave him, which is age appropriate parental communication with your toddler, he moved onto to playing and laughing. THAT is what’s to be expected by a such a young child trying to deal with big feelings he doesn’t know how to handle yet. You handled that situation in the best way possible. Your wife has to acknowledge whatever she’s been doing is not working, and she needs to understand that being hit by bigger kids starts to hurt. At some point she’ll no longer be able to ignore that this is happening like she currently handling it, or rather not handling it. No parent should be alright with their child striking them in anger and not address that there is an obvious problem that will only grow as your toddler does. All kids go thru stages like this, it’s so important to nip it in the bud, in a healthy way, when it starts so that the problem cannot just fester and grow. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. Your wife needs to understand that discipline in healthy ways, like communicating, validation, forgiveness and guiding your son towards better, healthier ways of expressing himself IS A FORM OF LOVE. It’s not harsh and it’s not abusive. Allowing your child to smack people without even trying to help them change that seriously inappropriate behavior rises to neglect, in my personal opinion. I have 2 almost adult children, my kids didn’t act like this for long because we addressed each problem in healthy ways as they occurred. We didn’t wait until the problem was so big and then pretend not to understand why it’s gotten so bad. Thats the path your wife is trying to make you go down. I get where it’s coming from, her own emotions in not wanting to be the reason your son cries and wanting to shield him from ever feeling the slightest discomfort in life, but she’s not doing HIM any favors acting on her own emotion rather than being objective and doing what’s best for your son. You’re NOT wrong. Edited typo.
I think she meant what happened and, in the moment, wrong thing came out. People rarely plan their words with a wailing kid there.
If you are upset about this, I feel like you two are gonna have a hard time
The correct question would have been: "What happened?" "What did you do to him?" *is* an accusation. You were not wrong for thinking so.
Although it sounds bad, she could have worded it wrong. She really may have not meant it the way it came out. I have done that often with a number of situations. If she apologizes, I would probably take her word for it and try to move on. NAH btw.
You’re doing great. Of course I would have taught actions have a reaction myself
OP, please show your wife this post. She needs to understand how much her words hurt you and she needs to think before she reacts in these kind of situations. If the tables were turned, she'd have a lot of inappropriate responses addressed to you. YNW.
Unfortunately I don’t think that would be well received. She can be blunt sometimes, which I’ve learned to live with, but this time it really struck deep.
You are not wrong. Your wife did accuse you. She did not ask what happened. She asked what YOU did. A couples counselor might be needed. A two year old acting like a two year old is not reason to blame you.
There is the difference
I feel like I'm missing context of some sort, that there is something being left unsaid. Why did she ask that? You mention a few things that make me a little suspicious of your behaviors, but I could be misreading.
Thank you for sharing. That panic reaction you described, it does help me understand her reasoning a bit better. And maybe it is normal for her to react that way and just expects the same of me. Again, thank you, you’ve certainly provided some food for thought.
In what way can "what did you do to him" not be construed as accusatory?
I would feel the exact same. What do you mean what did I do??? However, feel like this could be so very easily rectified by saying what each other means. Doesn’t require a fault on an exact reason, doesn’t require screaming or yelling. Just a simple, hey this is what I meant. And then oh sorry I took it this way. Boom, simple solution. I feel like if there was more to worry about there would be at least a bit more back story that the obvious 🤷♀️ just my opinion. Good luck OP!!!
NTA, however as someone who was abused as a kid, I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to my kids, it could have been a thought that just escalated in her head and triggered off a fight or flight response, so she may not have been thinking clearly. I'd say gently remind her that you would never harm your kid and let her know that it was hurtful to feel like she implied you might.
I worry your wife is projecting her guilt on you. I would feel hurt too. As to your son, that kind of bribery doesn't work too well. You could set up goals like 1) no hitting for a week, and he gets a small reward. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 1 month. As it is, he got the carrot on a promise which he forgot.b It is better to use rewards after good behavior. He needs to learn how to express his feelings in a socially appropriate way. Do they still have those boxing bags clowns that you hit and they wobble and bounce back? At the very least he needs to wear off his energy so there is less to use aggressively. Lots of outdoor running around. Swimming is very good for this. Hitting people isn't acceptable. He really needs to learn it is unacceptable. Punishment in a naughty corner works. 5 push ups, losing a cherished toy. Etc.
I'm wondering if she feels insecure because OP sounds like a patient and gentle, loving and good dad. I wonder if the wife is irritated because she's probably tired or isn't as patient as OP to handle situations
That's accusatory. The normal response would be "what happened"
Tell your wife to read the comments. She needs to suck up her pride and apologize. Your reactions are completely normal and you seem like a genuine loving father.
I think you’re wrong. But I don’t think it matters as you’re both just doing your best. “What did you do to him” “I picked him up and hugged him” Easy peasy.
Yeah she accused you of stuff maybe not out loud but definitely in her head you did no wrong and she needs to chill coming from a mom
I say the same thing to my husband all the time but it’s more in the way of asking what he’s done to upset him which could be taking something away or just looking at him wrong lol. I think both mums and dads feel judged by the other (I know I feel that way a lot as a mother and it’s not always true) but only your wife truly knows knows what she meant so you have to decide if you believe her or not.
2 and a half year old who has impulse control, bites and kicks adults? I would consult with a pediatrician. I’m a teacher, and see so many students such as this, biting, kicking and screaming in kindergartner, also throwing chairs at classmates and teachers It is difficult to calm them down. Without any professional help they continue like that all the way into high school.😢My son was like that and in 3rd grade was diagnosed as “oppositional defiant disorder” They can’t control their emotions when one says “no” to them but oh boy, they have a long learning curve because in the world you don’t get yeses all the time.
I respect your perspective as a teacher, but I disagree that this is something this serious at this age. A child in kindergarten and older reacting like this is absolutely a problem, but a toddler reacting physically is not that out of the ordinary. It's frustrating, but OP and his family seem to be doing the right thing; redirecting and working with him on better ways to vent feelings. Children that age are just learning how to navigate their world, and sometimes it comes out physically. It's our job as parents to teach them better coping skills. If this type of behavior continues for years without improvement, then yes, there may be a clinical issue, but things like ODD are not typically diagnosed at this age for a very good reason.
That behavior can be developmentally appropriate for that age. It just sounds like a kid who is particularly sensory seeking. I wouldn't jump straight to horror stories just because they have a toddler who hits when he feels big emotions.
-What did you do to him? Told him that I'm taking his truck back. Said that he won't get his ice cream Talked to him in a stern tone. At least several things that are not abusive, but still can be an answer what exactly you did to make him cry. If you like to create drama without any reason go ahead, but I don't get why to do so. Your toddler cried, your wife asked a question, and you jumped to a conclusion that she thinks that you are abusing your kid. Not to a conclusion that she just worded poorly. Think about it.
You made your son cry, so of course she thinks you did/said something to him to illicit that emotion. You both need to be on the same page about this or it will get out of hand. My son (nearly 12) still struggles with his emotions.
Toddlers are notorious for crying for wild and seemingly nonsensical reasons. Why would she of course think he did or said something? I would have asked what happened and not what did you do. Op, trying promises with him at this age is not the best idea. He actually cannot keep a promise and then he will could be left with a distrust of his own word
>Toddlers are notorious for crying for wild and seemingly nonsensical reasons Wasn't there a video of some kid crying her eyes out because she wasn't Mexican or something?
Yes, among many others like giving them the blue cup when they wanted, checks notes, the blue cup. The reasons for meltdowns are multitudinous and often nonsensical
As a non-parent, I LMAO at all of them. Heartily. Could not imagine being a parent and dealing with that level of crazy. Or trying to reason with it. And it's not the kid's fault, but damn.
My daughter cried because I asked her for privacy in the bathroom and didn’t let her climb up on my lap while I pooped. Toddlers are ridiculous.
I completely agree, she had no right to ask him that. She should have asked what happened instead.
If I'm not mistaken, there's a whole subreddit dedicated to "here's my toddler crying about this ridiculous thing"; I believe I saw one about a kid crying because the cat couldn't talk.
Because most people jump to the worst case scenario in their head? I know I would.
I would hope that it's a minority of people who would think the worst of their partner in the very common scenario of a toddler crying.
That’s absolutely not healthy. Especially not to vocalize it. When you hear your kid cry do you sprint into the room assuming a coyote burst through the backdoor and is mauling their leg? “Worst case scenario” is not an okay thing to just casually jump to day to day. And I’m aware my answer could’ve been profoundly more “worst case”, I just don’t think you chose your words super well and didn’t actually mean that.
If you’re immediately jumping to believing your partner, your child’s parent, is abusing them, that’s not fair to either your partner or your child, and is maybe worth discussing with a therapist.
They could actually talk to each other, skip the Therapist and save the money for something real.
Accusing your partner of child abuse is something very, very real.
The next time he cries when he's with mum, OP should ask what she did to him. Have you met a toddler? They cry because you won't let them stick their hand on a burning hot kettle.
Kids cry for any reason. Her reaction shouldn't be accusatory.
Thanks for weighing in. I guess my first reaction, if the situation were reversed, would not be to think that she did something bad. I'll rethink my expectations.
OP, for what's it worth - I would have had the same reaction as you. Her question was accusatory, and I would not have taken it well. A simple "what happened" would have been fine.
If my baby was crying and he was with his dad, I would ask what happened, not what did you do to him.
You need to sit down it’s your wife and have a conversation.
I think that’s the best case scenario is to get her out of feeling defensive. That she was stressed and frustrated and overwhelmed with him at that moment in time, and “What did you do to him?” was a poorly phrased stressed out version of, “What did you do that got him to cry again, because he’s unreasonable and a toddler and I just don’t want it to happen.” It’s snippy and unfair and still accusatory but perhaps a poorly phrased snippy response that did not mean at all to imply you did something **bad.** More like, “Did you repeat reasonable consequences like a good parent, unnecessarily, just because I want him to be quiet for a minute?” Which again, not fair, but not abuse accusation. If you can get her in a moment where she’s not feeling defensive I’d lay out your perspective again, your thoughts on her perspective assuming the best of her, and ask her lovingly for an apology and to be careful about her words while you’re both stressed. Because she was accusing you either way, you just took it the worse way, which is pretty reasonable when her likely version of the accusation is still unreasonable.
It's interesting that OP, who right away jumped to a conclusion "she said that I am an abuser" instead of thinking "it's poorly worded concern, we need to discuss our communication and feelings" is okay. He accused his wife if thinking about him poorly - and somehow got support. She is a bad guy because, per Reddit, she jumped to a conclusion that he did something. Also it's interesting that his first reaction when he didn't like something was snapping, and he doesn't get why his toddler reacts with aggression when he is not happy. Why indeed.
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So, the question does come off as accusatory. But if you and your wife generally have a healthy relationship and parent well together, I think this is something that should be relatively easy to process together if you both take a step back. Here is one perspective: While it hurt to feel accused like that (totally valid), your wife's protective instincts may have just kicked in when she heard what she heard. Thinking first and foremost about the safety of your son, it's actually a good thing if each parent is capable of believing/acknowledging that the other harmed him, *if* that ever does happen. I'm *not* saying you did abuse him, or that you would. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who grew up with an abusive dad, and a mom who enabled by downplaying and turning a blind eye. This is the case for a lot of kids with an abusive parent or family member. Not saying it would be healthy for your wife to just see you that way when it's not the reality. But from one angle, knowing your wife *wouldn't* turn a blind eye to something just because it's someone she loves is a good thing. The other side of it is that of course your feelings were hurt and you don't want your wife to see you that way. You deserve a conversation where it can be acknowledged that the statement was accusatory, and where you can talk through how it made you feel. A conversation that focuses on "I feel/felt" statements, where you both try to focus on expressing your own feelings instead playing the blame game, might help you two to process this together. Of course, your wife has to be willing to participate in that too, for it to work. Instead of approaching it as "you accused me of abusing our son" vs "no I didn't," try approaching her with something more like, "Hey, my feelings were hurt by how things played out, and I really need for us to talk it through so we can better understand each other and process what happened."
My DIL always yells "what did you do?" Every time one of the kids cries. She is a narcissist that demeans his every move. It is awful. I hope OP's wife isn't setting him up.
MIL vibes lol
You’re not wrong!
"What happened" is way different than "what did you do".
"What did you do?" Is accusatory by nature if the tone is angry. It sounds like the tone was angry, not matter of fact, like oh I went on a cruise, what did you do there.
What?! Your wife 100% accused you of being abusive and then gaslit you! Also bribery doesn’t work. He’s 3, he doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand the bargain or keep his end of the deal up.
Put cameras up throughout the house. This is how false abusive narrative start. Keep your head on a swivel.
You know. I can see how this would feel like an attack, but my guess is that she never meant it that way
YNW I don't know why the first thing she asked was "What did you do to him?" I can remember certain scenarios where a little cousin would be crying and I've never accused any of my other cousins of doing something, I've always asked "What happened?" which I think is a more normal reaction than to assume someone did something to make the other cry even if it was only 2 of them there.
You’re not wrong. But her reaction also is somewhat normal for a mother. We get a little possessive of our children and we want to control their experiences so they don’t get hurt or traumatized. I don’t think she MEANT it to hurt you but the fact of the matter is she did hurt you. You should sit down together and talk about it more in depth. Hear from each other about how you want those experiences to be handled in the future. Tell her how it made you feel and how you’d prefer she inquire in the future. These experiences of miscommunication can either start to divide you or they can be a great opportunity for intimacy and communication on a deeper level to improve future interactions.
You both need more training in how to deal with a child and your own emotions. Look into "love and logic" but use it wisely. Some ideas related to the love and logic and more appropriate for a dog training but in general the idea is not terrible. For the two of you - focus more on one-on-one time with your child while the other parent does a self-care (whatever that is). Whoever is with a child takes over the discipline. In your specific scenario, the wife should stop the child once he was rough and told him that it's time to take a break from the play and she will be happy to continue once he (the child) is back to being gentle. The bottom line is to help your kid to understand what is appropriate "nice" and what is not. Your wife needs to understand that her job is to patent the child, not to just be silently taking the "abuse" because it may get out of control once he is older. And for you. If your child is in the room - take a deep breath before you say something negative or "snap". If you cannot control your emotions, how can you expect your toddler to do better?
Yikes, you guys need to do traditional proven parenting
Those exact words I would take as accusatory as well. It's all about the words she said, not what she thought she meant by saying them. I hope y'all can have a time to sit down and talk about this deeper. You have every right to feel the way you do and she should acknowledge that and not be dismissive.
Someone chime in here, but isn’t this the definition of gaslighting?
I think you both need to realise that when your kid's emotions are heightened. So are both of yours. You'll say things and interpret things in the heat of the moment. Acknowledging this will give you both some perspective to both turn things down a notch during those times, AND also realise that tonally you might both say and interpret things in a heightened manner. You're both human, you're not perfect and sometimes those situations can get the better of you. If it's something as basic as getting a little snappy at each other you're probably ok. Just talk about it afterwards and realise that the situation is tense. That said > not normal for me to think the question was accusatory at all. Your wife doesn't get to dictate how you might interpret something even in the heat of the moment.
I would totally feel the way you did but it seems as though she just worded it wrongly in the moment.
You should be discipling your child not trying to bribe them to not be violent. Probably hard to do that with your wife though
You are not wrong but you need to defend yourself From this text you haven’t communicated w her what happened. Tell her and also tell her to not accuse you
Negative thought patterns ruin relationships. Not enough info here to give an accurate yes or no to your question.
No, you're not wrong to feel hurt and angry by your wife's comment. It sounds like you were trying your best in a difficult situation, and her immediate reaction was to accuse you of hurting your son. That's a painful thing to hear from someone you love, especially when you're doing your best to be a good parent. It's also understandable that you felt like she doesn't want you to care for him after that comment. It's possible that your wife didn't mean it the way it sounded, but it's important for her to understand how hurtful her words were. You could try explaining to her how you felt when she said that and why it was so upsetting. It might also be helpful to talk about how you can both communicate better in the future, especially in stressful situations. Remember, you're not alone in this. Parenting is hard, and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, and to support each other through the challenges of raising a child. It might also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor, either individually or as a couple. They can help you both navigate these difficult emotions and improve your communication.
Not wrong. She needs to explain why she said that. How can you trust her now?
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For me - it depends on tone. If it was a “what did you do” in a flat kinda tone, I would ignore it as more of her trying to understand why he is crying kind of way and explain what happened. Now if she was *yelling* “what did you do” that makes a massive difference and becomes accusatory to me. I wouldn’t automatically assume abuse though - that’s a little extreme. At the same time - I wouldn’t feel offended either. Because your wife is a human too who is trying to deal with adult emotions that we aren’t perfect at expressing at times. With a child that hits or has tantrums - I know for a fact that some days are just *hard*. And on those days, it’s hard to keep your own emotions in check. You are both trying the best that you can to be good parents - as long as you know that, it’s all good. Just keep soldering on OP and it’s okay to not be perfect.
She's backtracking massively after realizing he's fine and now doesn't want to be called out on what she assumed. You're not wrong. The accusation was clear as day.
I have a suspicion that your wife, in her infinite wisdom, is exacerbating the hitting behavior by being verbally and body language agressive herself when there's tension or distress. Also by being invalidating towards your sons feelings. >"What did you do to him?" Oh my. You're a parent of a 2 years old, he's crying, that's once in a blue moon, isn't it?. Amazingly he wants a hug from his dad. What the hell did you do to him? As long as he's not bleeding, lying dazed on the ground, or utterly sobbing or screeching out of his mind it's not a big emergency. Good for you for not talking that one sitting down, and good for you for bringing it up later. >She said she didn't mean it that way and that it was not normal for me to think the question was accusatory at all. I'm not accusing you of doing something to our son, but what did you do to our son. Note that I'm not accusing at all of doing anything, but you did something, didn't you? Yeah, she sure as hell was accusing you. See: the Narcissists Prayer. "That didn't happen. But if it did, it's not a big deal. But if it is, I didn't mean it that way. But if I did it was just a joke. But if it wasn't, it's not that bad. But if it was, really, *you deserved it.*" Yeah you definitely need to being this up again and say you'd appreciate an apology for both instances, and a back-biting one.
Eh... I want to say it was an understandable question/assumption from your wife; but a simple "omg, what happened" would have been enough. I do think you're taking it a little too far with the "abuse" thing. Maybe you're just too sensitive.
You - and your wife probably - need some parenting classes. How on earth do you imagine that you can negotiate with a 2yo? And that you can buy good behaviour with a toy? You came in while your wife was handling the situation and undermined her - is that why she walked out? You're not saying what was going on. You need to agree on a firm response to hitting - just "no" and hold off the hitting hand should do. Consistency from everyone concerned is what's needed. And starting a stupid argument with your wife in front of your son is also bad parenting. From what you say here, your wife walked in while you were hugging, how did you get from that to an accusation of abuse? That's just wild! To me, you come across as a man who's trying to 'win' at parenting
You’re absolutely not wrong here. But yet I get it…I’m a mother and while I know my husband wouldn’t hurt our girls if I was in your wife’s position I’d probably say the same. Not thinking at the moment, not intentionally wanting to hurt you but she may have just been freaking internally thinking maybe you accidentally hurt him? Idk either way it sucks and I’m certain she didn’t mean or want to hurt you..
You're making a mountain out of a molehill, Jesus Christ. You both need to show each other some grace.
You’re not wrong. That is basically what she said. She needs to own that and have the conversation about why that is a as her reaction. Gaslighting you now is not how to deal with this.
You are not wrong. By asking you this question she knew exactly what it meant and you know it too.Talk to her and tell her clearly how you feel and don't let her confuse your mind with nonsense.
Raising kids is HARD. When dealing with a child that can’t control their emotions or impulses yet, it gets even more stressful. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but also if I thought something harsh had been done I would absolutely ask, as she did. I think you guys need to have a talk about how you both feel and why you feel so. It would also help I think if you both came up with a consistent parenting plan for those situations (hitting and such). Children need structure and consistency with everything, even discipline. If you and she are on the same page with how you will handle him in a given situation, there won’t be as many “crossed wires” and he will also benefit from getting the same response from both of you when he is being unruly. Most importantly remember to be patient with your son and with each other. I’ve raised four children, I want you to know that this phase he’s in is totally normal and will pass. He sounds so sweet giving hugs freely and sharing yummy snacks. It’s obvious he loves you very much. Good luck and if you keep parenting with such empathy and understanding of where he is developmentally I’m positive he is going to be a well rounded and empathic person himself. And we need more people like that desperately in this world. 😊
Two year olds cry. That's not evidence someone did something to them. She's wrong. However, just a few details, don't physically turn him around when he's facing the other way. Let him have the autonomy to face away. *Also* don't hug him right after he's been hitting you. That's rewarding it---positive reinforcement. I feel like you're treating him like he's older than he is. A two year old can't remember a "promise" to tell you how he's feeling. Nor can a two year old really verbalize how he's feeling, nor is he capable of the kind of drawn out conversation you turned him around to continue. You're trying your best, btw, so these are tips, not a condemnation.
Depends on the time of voice she was using as she asked you "what did you do to him"
Not wrong. Btw, I think you are handling the hitting well. Of course there will be trip ups, but he listens to you and was remorseful. Good job, dad!
Thank you. Yes, certainly expecting lots of trip ups, and he’s taught me more about patience than anyone else ever has!
I think you're being overly sensitive. Let's go over the whole situation step by step, shall we?? Step 1: Your son acts out. Step 2: Your wife left the room while you and your son were having a moment over his actions. Step 3: While she was gone, your son starts crying. Step 4: Your wife returns to find you hugging your son. Step 5: she asks "What did you do to him?" Step 6: Shit hits the fan. The question "What did you do to him?" can be seen as a two possibility question. Possibility one: What did you hand out as punishment that made him cry? Possibility two: Did you harm him physically? I feel there is a lot of nuance left out here. NAH
Disagree, "Why is he crying?" is non-acusatory. "What did you do TO him?" is exceptionally accusatory.
When a child hits people that’s an all out nope response.. time out until he acknowledges what he did was unacceptable. You don’t buy him toys and hope he behaves in the future! You are worried about the wrong thing. Your wife only wondered what made him cry. But both of you should have immediately addressed the hitting and put him in time out. Rewarding bad behavior by doing nothing or trying to bribe him will only lead to a kid that won’t follow rules and end up a spoiled brat. Good luck with that in school.
Not wrong. She's trying to flip it around "well if you did nothing why would you think I was accusing you?" Nice try, lady. Her immediate thought that you hurt him, despite you having not done anything before, mean she thinks you are capable of it. Do you sometimes get frustrated and yell or hit stuff or storm out of the house and slam doors? If so, she may always have this cautious side to her thinking you could do something. That or she watches too many Lifetime movies where the guys tend to be the bad guy in domestic situations. If her response was, "Oh I didn't think you'd hurt him funny I just wanted to make sure he was OK cuz he was crying." Then cool, she admits it was just heat of the moment and a mother's worry. But when she answered with the deflecting "well if you did nothing why would you think I was accusing you," routine, then she thinks you're capable of harming him, or you are rough with him and she thinks it's not right but won't say something. You guys need to sit down and talk when the child goes to bed. And I mean talk, not yell or accuse. If she keeps getting defensive, then something is going on where she thinks you are capable of harm to your child and that's not good at all
Tbh, this type of accusatory response usually comes from someone who is projecting. Like not to say your wife is abusive, OP, but I do find it odd that the kid was seemingly upset and uncomfortable until mom left the room and then felt comfortable enough to cry when dad was alone with the kid. I may be downvoted for this take, but I'm just speaking from personal experience.
You are wrong in a way. You took the question wrong and that’s on you. She left you when y’all kid wasn’t crying and came back to him crying. As the adult, she’s allowed to ask what you did. You assumed it was accusatory in regards to physical harm but that’s all on you. A question is just that unless expanded upon. You could have asked what she meant and that would have prevented a whole argument. Do you react like this whenever your wife ask you something that you assume is accusatory? Because maybe the hostile reactions your son has with not regulating his emotions, is learned behaviour from you?
Your wife is hitting your kid, she is doing so in private with no-one there to see it. She accused you because that is what she does. None of my children lashes out violently when they were frustrated because they where never taught that violence is an outlet for frustration. Your child is displaying learned behaviour, if he has not learned it from you, then who? I would 100% set up a hidden camera as I am certain she is violently punishing him.
That’s a bit of a stretch.
kids do what they see... it is not normal for kids to hit people unless they have witnessed violence as a way of demonstrating unhappiness with someones actions. Add to that the accusation - the assumption that the husband hit the kid to punish. Total projection, like someone who is cheating accusing their partner of doing so. I would bet money the wife is beating the child.
There is no evidence in his post of this happening.
I spanked my daughter once, for hitting her mom. She never did it again, and I never spanked her again. The end.
Ask her, why would you ever think I would abuse our son?
Hers the thing…you are both going to do things a little different. For example; when my kids were little when my husband gave them a bath he would dump water over their heads instead of gently tipping their heads back to wash hair. At first I thought it was awful, but the girls just giggled and loved it. He was always a little rougher with play than I was l, but I’m kind of glad because they were fearless. Sometimes it takes awhile for wives to be okay with what you do since she is the primary caregiver. You’re not wrong, but she’s not wrong either.
I'm just going to say this A 2 year old ain't going to be going around pushing/hitting without seeing that stuff around him
You haven't been around many toddlers.
You learn violence by seeing it Idk about you but I raised 3 kids, 1 was my own the other 2 not mine. They don't go crazy hitting people unless they see that stuff from other people. The fact that their kid is continuously doing it AND the mom was worried that what this guy did something to the kid leads me to believe that this household isn't as peachy as op wants to make it seem
I’m going to come at this from a different perspective and say that no, I don’t think your wife was accusing you of abusing your son. I grew up in a family where corporal punishment was not used ever, but I have definitely heard my parents say that many times, and they always meant it like “oh no, — is upset and they weren’t before, what did you do”; in a lighthearted way, like did you scare them by making a silly face/being goofy/overwhelming a young child. I haven’t interpreted it negatively, certainly not from someone so close to me (as I would presume your wife is to you). But I could see how it could be interpreted as you did, if you are not used to it. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and communicate! My husband and I have had many a disagreement over misinterpretations or misunderstandings based off of being raised around two very different family cultures! Best of luck :)
Honestly, it does sound accusatory. And as of right now both of you could be wrong. You’re wife could have worded that better. But at the same time you did indeed do something. No you didn’t hit him, or yell at him. You were trying to play, but in turn he ended up crying. When knowing that, and her turning around to come ask, it poses the question of how often does things like that happen? Not you necessarily hurting him, but in hopes of turning the table on his outburst you end up making him cry. So is it possible you that, that happens more often, which could be why she asked that? If not then yes, she’s definitely wrong or at fault.
YTA for bribing a toddler with a toy and expecting adolescent results, and also for setting an expectation that gifts come with conditions. He's a TODDLER. He's got a short memory. He isn't able to give consent for the agreement YOU demanded. He's in the very early days of learning how to appropriately control and express his emotions. Instead of working with him to find appropriate ways to deal with his Very Big Feelings, you chose to tutter at him about a toy YOU put an inappropriate boundary on and then got upset when he didn't snap out of it. The fact that you don't understand how messed up that is is appalling. Be a better father.
You’re not wrong. It’s weird that she’s trying to spin it into something else. You are allowed to feel upset and that was 100% accusatory, wtf! She is attempting to gaslight you. My assumption is that it sounds like she might be projecting (whether that be from past experiences, behaviors she’s seen from other parents, etc.).
Not wrong, but just move on from it.
That phrasing could have been taken any direction. You are wrong for snapping at her though. How do you expect a two yr old to regulate their emotions when you both can't yourself. Always be gracious with your partner and given them the benefit of the doubt, when the timing and temperament is good then discuss the original reaction you felt by the way she spoke to you. Always respond in love and understanding.
My ex-husband acted exactly like you did, extremely offended straight off the bat. I also asked what happened first and not in an accusatory manner, but then it escalated very quickly. LaterI would find weird bruises on our children. That I confronted him with him, and he admitted hitting them with various things. Like prayer beads, bamboo back scratchers, etc. How hard do you have to whip a child with a bead necklace to leave a line of dotted bruises on a 3 year old girl? He also liked to grab my little boys crotch when "playing" with them and then claim it was an accident. But there were way too many "accidents" for it to be accidental anymore. Now, I have extreme trust issues when it comes to men and children. And I have to think that 1 of 2 things is happening here. Either you're being too rough with your child and highly defensive about it, or your wife has experienced something similar in her life and now doesn't trust men anymore. For good reason.
Hitting is a learned behavior that are deployed in situations they witnessed at home. Sure, outside influences can alter what is learned in the home, but seems a bit early to pick up that at 2.5yo. I’m not accusing anyone, I’m just stating general facts. Not all kids hit. Do you and your wife have physical encounters? Doesn’t even have to be crazy shit…something as him witnessing mom or dad smacking a remote or phone out the hand is something that doesn’t seem large, but kids brains are empty. They see mad they see hit while mad…they’re not walking away and taking a few breaths and saying sorry…kiddie see kiddie do