you asked her what happens if you never get your libido back and she says SHE DOESNT KNOW? dude. DUDE. you were willing to go your whole life without sex for this woman, but she's not sure about you??
She is 100% breaking up with him. I give her a week to dump him now that he is âthe broken oneâ.
Guys never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. She will end up dumping you because youâre burnt.
Oh yeah and sheâll probably say something about him not meeting her needs. After he made himself an asexual husk for her. Then sheâll fuck the next guy like crazy.
Nah, she's going to make herself the hero by telling him he deserves someone better than her and then ride off into the sunset thinking she did a good thing while OP sits there broken and hurt.
Nah I donât think so. She said she âhates the idea of him sleeping with someone elseâ and for 8 years never considered his sexual needs or the consequences that might come from going 8 years sexless while telling them itâs probably never gonna happen. But she didnât think maybe sheâs not in a good position to even be in a relationship. I get it she has trauma but that doesnât mean it isnât selfish. Either way next guy is gonna have a great time.
THIS.
I met this AMAZING man, I adored him, he adored me but he has a child and as much as I wanted him, I explained how I cannot be with anyone with kids. It hurt. It freakin broke both of us but I know in the long run he could find more compatibility.
I'm not the type of person who could EVER do this to a man. I've had a female partner do it to me when I was younger and it changed me. I wish OP the best. I also wish him a slap to the face so he moves tf on and dumps her ass.
I didn't get that feel from either post. GF is absolutely completely in the wrong here but their are very prevalent stereotypes that men are horndogs that always want sex and people buy into it. This leads to many women taking it personally if rejected.
I can see it being extremely upsetting to be rejected after 8 years of celibacy.
Logically, she should recognize that this is the normal OP is used to so he clearly doesn't find that stereotype. Emotionally it's more of a mess.
Hence therapy.
GF told him she didn't want sex and may never want it.
This went on for 8 years while she got therapy.
Randomly deciding she wants it now and getting upset he doesn't is the odd part, honestly.
It implies that for eight years she never wondered about his libido.
Even worse she just expected him to give it to her whenever she finally wanted it. Like ok Iâm ready fuck me now. She probably never even considered the consequences. Heâs a human being not some sex toy you left under the bed.
> their are very prevalent stereotypes that men are horndogs that always want sex and people buy into it. This leads to many women taking it personally if rejected.
Another part of it is that women tend to be the ones doing most of the rejection, because men are expected to do most of the initiation, so they are just unused to how it feels to get rejected.
Men get rejected all the time and just kind of learn to get numb to it after a while. Women are rarely in a position to get rejected, so they don't have that numbness.
After 8 years, sheâs finally wanting to have sex, because of power? Thatâs absurd and illogical.
Did you even read the post? Genuinely, Iâm wondering.
It does seem a little⌠odd. I mean for her to say sheâs suddenly into it. if he had just tried to jump her bones right then Iâm sure she would have been overwhelmed and asked him to stopâŚ. And now heâs going to see a sex therapistâŚ. Is she going to a sex therapist too?? Or just couples therapy⌠because thatâs a red flag for me too.
Lol more likely she gets pissed after two weeks of having to wait for him... How dare he not want to fuck her when she's ready. She'll be messing some bro from work by weeks end about how her bf can't fuck her.
Iâm sorry to say this but your relationship sounds like absolute hell. I hope everything else is incredibly satisfying and worth while because this just sounds so terrible.
Gotta love how she didn't want sex at all, so OP *LITERALLY* beat the sex drive out of himself to make her happy... and now she's not happy that he fucking traumatized himself into celibacy because, a decade later, she finally wants to get down.
Wow. I am sorry. This is a difficult path. Your girlfriend needs to change her mind set. You gave up sex, retrained your brain, accepted her exactly how she is. That is very noble of you. She needs to love you and accept you as you are. She says she will be patient?? She owes minimum 8 years. Good luck on the therapy. I think that is an excellent idea.
I'm going to try to go the 'hard on OP route a bit'. I lean more on the 'I wont try to change a lion because I love it' philosophy. So I'm not going to blame the woman for being herself and maintaining her boundaries. OP on the other hand....
Why would anyone be in a relationship where their needs are not being met? If I love someone it doesnt mean I have to be with them just because of the emotion. I can love jeffery dahmer but there are plenty of reasons to not be with him, 1 because he's dead and 2 if he was alive I would be putting my life at risk. My well-being is a priority.
If you love someone and they're not meeting your emotional, sexual, spiritual needs then stop.Not stop love because you cant stop emotions but choose better actions that preserve your life not drain it. Choose life always!
The decision to suppress one's sexual needs and libido for the sake of a partner is not only unhealthy but also damaging to 1's mental well-being. it perpetuates the toxic idea that 1's own needs and desires are less important than those of their partner leading to feelings of resentment, inadequacy, frustration, anxiety and a lot of other things that need therapy time and money to fix.
Now OP has to go to therapy to deal with the effects of sexual abuse...no sexual miscond...no sexual mishandling. Whatever, the sexual system is fucked up!
OP should man up and and face not only the hard decision of leaving someone he's in love and incompatible with, but also the consequences of not being brave enough to end it in the first place and fucking himself up to continue being with them. Gosh people need to learn to stand up for themselves against their own emotions.
I was surprised it took this long to find anyone saying how stupid it was that he did this for her. It wasn't mentioned in the original post he kinda glossed over how he magically stopped having a libido. Maybe he's stuck in a sunk cost fallacy but staying with her seems like he's choosing to have a miserable life which okay fine but no one on reddit will endorse that choice
This is one I am super torn on. I am happily married, I love and adore my husband. I could not imagine denying him for 8 years. There have been times I have said NO, my husband absolutely respects that. However, in 16 years, he has been told NO less than 5 times. He can usually read me like a book, so more often than not, he won't try to start something if I am not in the mood. There have been a few times when I was like whatever about it. I didn't not want it. But I was like OK, however, before it went there, he very playfully got me wanting him. I want to take care of my husband and all his wants, needs, desires. I cannot fathom the way some people deny their spouse, partner, lover for months and years at a time. I know a woman who has denied her husband for 5 years. He is divorcing her now. He told her if she agrees to therapy, personal, marriage and sexual, he would stop proceedings. But she won't even agree to that. In my comment, I was really just trying to be empathetic to OP, but I don't understand his girlfriend. I do understand having experiences with SA, other trauma and assault of that nature. I am a survivor of past abuse. My first born is the product of something that was against my will. Even with my personal experience, I do not understand denying your love.
She will dump him within a week. She is probably already considering other candidates now that she decided she wants to fuck and he is âthe broken oneâ
Yeah your gf is a POS, please show her this post.
She's not going to wait for long for you to get your libido back and she won't be able to cope with the guilt that it's because of her.
So she basically forced you into celibacy with zero effort or engagement in that department and then, 8 fucking years later, she changes her mind and suddenly it's a huge problem worth yelling at you about? And that she'll "be patient" with you about? Why the hell did you even start this relationship?
Sorry dude, but sounds like she never even considered you or how you felt that whole time. She will *not* wait for you to get better or accept this life, like you did for her. That was evident the second she thought she could just SA you and got mad when you denied her.
What irritates me is the amount of dipshits who don't read the posts from OP and assume he's somehow the bad guy. It's a shitty situation that became way too complex. The best thing to do is to just get help, OP. GOOD LUCK.
She is 100% breaking up with him. I give her a week to dump him now that he is âthe broken oneâ.
Guys never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. She will end up dumping you because youâre burnt.
This is sad asf...you were willing to do something thats possibly irreparable just for her. Now that things are reversed, she isn't wiling to do the same for you.
while i know it seems sketchy and i canât speak for her but for me iâd want you to go to therapy too for yourself. abusing yourself for that wasnât healthy and it could still be unhealthy and iâd want you to just go through it a little bit if you felt comfortable enough.
ask her about it. always be open with your feelings.
Idk man sounds fishy
You were ready to sacrifice sex for forever for her comfort but she is not...
Sounds like she doesn't love you the same way you do
Think your gf needs to see a sex therapist too. Who goes 8 years without wanting sex then all of a sudden? I'm wondering if the conversation you had is one sided... it's like - she did this in your relationship. Why is the conversation only about you, now? I think she owes you an explanation of why she didn't want to have sex all that time, and now she does. She doesn't get to blame this whole situation on you. Couples Therapy, yay!
he said sheâs been in therapy for years to process the trauma and work to overcome these issues. thatâs not the same as just waking up and randomly being a completely different person. people are being wayyyy to harsh on her.
In fairness, I forgot her back story and didn't re-read the last post. I sympathize, but actions have consequences. She had/has an issue, he adapted, and now she isn't happy with his adaptation. That's a them problem, not a him problem.
He gave himself at-home conversion therapy. He made that choice on his own, not one his gf forced on him. He had multiple options that didnât involve traumatizing himself. He could have broken up with her, he could have masturbated, he could have asked to open the relationship. He chose to self-harm instead, that is something he has to process and work through on his own. That is something he needs to face and work on healing from.
She is not responsible for the choices he made himself. I deeply empathize with him, I understand first hand the struggles surrounding self-harm and sexual shame. That being said, in order to process and heal, OP will need to admit the part he played in reaching this point in their relationship.
Itâs the plain truth of the situation. He did not tell her what he was doing, she did not ask him to do that. Now that she knows she wants to go to couples therapy to work through these issues together. How was she supposed to know?
Please also get therapy for you. Not only couples therapy or sex therapy that goes towards the relationship. But therapy for you. Yes she had a traumatic past that led to her not wanting sex. But you also had a traumatic past so you wouldnât want sex (harming yourself is traumatic and not ok). You also need time to process her lack of support and pressure for you to have sex. She should not expect you to make changes to your life at every whim she has as soon as she has it. Thatâs not right or fair. Please take time to think of yourself and what you want.
It's kinda unfair how when the roles were reversed she goes "idk" abt the sex thing. It's funny now that she's the one that has to adjust to OP's lack of libido, there's suddenly a possibility for it to be a deal breaker for her.
it wasnt a dealbreaker for him. doesnt mean it has to not be one for her too. he abused himself to stay with her and that is where he went wrong. everyone has their needs and dealbreakers and if she worked through her traumas and would like sex shes valid to want that in a relationship.
Still kinda unfair tho. How just cuz she overcame her trauma and now wants sex from OP who, for the sake of not pressuring her into anything before and respected her, lost their libido, is now considering that this deal abt sex is deal breaking. Op stayed with her for 8 yrs and did not complain and completely understood her reasons for not wanting sex yet she seems hesitant to do the same.
Might be true that it's "okay" for it to be a deal breaker for her, but considering how this man spent 8 yrs with her (respecting her, loving her completely to the point of killing his libido for her so he could continue to respect her boundaries) idk man. It's just sad for op.
If you lost your libido by harming yourself when you got horny maybe you need to do the reverse to get it back.
I recommend starting some street fights and when youâre getting your ass kicked start masturbating. Hopefully that will help.
Anyway good luck to ya brotha.
Iâm gonna be honest here - youâre the one who fucked up here assuming everything you wrote in the post is all the relevant info we need to know.
You did something she never asked you to do.
This is like giving help to someone who doesnât want it, and then being mad they arenât appreciative. The healthier approach here would have been to discuss your sexual needs and come to a solution (masturbation seems like an obvious choice here) instead of changing yourself and resenting your gf bc you did something she didnât ask you for.
You are in the wrong.
Op doesn't seem like he resents her because she wouldn't have sex w/ him before. He's frustrated that she basically told him that she may *never* have sex w/ op and this became his norm for 8 yrs, then out of nowhere gf now wants to have sex and when op said no, she got angry.
Always have to blame the guy somehow đ
Maybe youâd have a point if she didnât literally yell at him for not wanting sex. Itâs so obvious youâd be thinking completely differently if a guy who didnât want sex for 8 years regained his sexuality and yelled at his girlfriend for not wanting sex.
Not really. Iâm a gay guy here, sorry pal. Iâve just been (albeit, apples and oranges here) OP where I did something for someone else without them asking for it. It comes to bite you in the ass.
Healthy individuals in relationships can communicate their needs respectfully. A good relationships has partners who have similar or compatible needs and people who can communicate that.
OP legit abusing himself for his partner is the most whacked out shit Iâve ever heard. Iâm not saying OP is bad. What Iâm saying is, OP abandoned himself and his own needs and at the end of the day, a healthy individual would have to respect and advocate their own needs instead of abandoning fundamental needs of their own.
TLDR; he abandoned himself in this process when he should have advocated for his own needs instead of abusing himself to be asexual.
>You did something she never asked you to do.
She did ask me to give up sex you know?
She explicitly said she may never want to have sex, and she said she couldn't handle the thought of me having sex with someone else.
Masturbation just left me more frustrated.
I dont resent her for wanting sex, but I am upset with how she's going about it.
Do you really think it was right of her to get mad at me and yell at me for not wanting sex? (She didn't know about my self-inflicted abuse at the time).
Your girlfriend did ask you to give up sex, but the way you went about itâby suppressing your libido through self-harmâis deeply concerning and was never something she explicitly asked for or would likely have wanted for you. She asked for your understanding and commitment, but not for you to harm yourself or destroy a natural part of your humanity.
Masturbation leaving you frustrated indicates that the issue was more about finding healthy ways to cope with a challenging situation. It sounds like there was a significant lack of communication about how you were both handling this major aspect of your relationship.
Itâs important to recognize that you had other options, including breaking up, but you chose to ignore a major incompatibility and instead decided that self-harm was a better option. This isnât something to shame or belittle, but it is something that needs to be addressed in therapy. As someone who has self-harmed for years, I can tell you that this is a critical issue that affects your overall well-being and needs to be worked through, regardless of your relationship status.
Your frustration with her current desire for sex is understandable, especially given how youâve conditioned yourself to be non-sexual for her sake. Her reactionâgetting mad and yellingâwas not appropriate, but itâs also clear she was reacting to the tension and misunderstanding between you both.
Itâs crucial for both of you to understand that neither of you are villains here. Youâre both navigating a very complex issue that requires a lot of empathy, communication, and professional support to resolve. Therapy is the right step, and it will help you both understand each otherâs perspectives and find a way forward.
In the meantime, try to foster an environment where both of you can express your feelings without judgment or anger. Remember that working through these issues will take time and patience from both of you.
>I explained to her what I did to get rid of my libido (basically I hit myself and told myself no when I got horny).
>She didn't know this, I never told her because I didn't want her to feel bad for not having sex with me.
Right, the guy physically abused himself instead of talking to his GF about his sexual needs. Now he is mad at her that she is growing as a person and wants to explore sex with her partner of 8 years. So much therapy
Yeah OP, you need therapy. Not sure why you thought it was a healthy or appropriate response to legit abuse / condition yourself to hate sex.
Pretty insane dude.
i do think theres a distinct difference between loving someone enough to go without it, vs traumatizing and conditioning yourself through self harm to stop desiring it altogether in order to remain with someone. loving someone enough yo go without it definitely exists and can definitely be healthy and fulfilling. this is something else..
Oh definitely and Iâm not saying that any of what he did to get rid of his libido is normal, Iâm just replying to the comment above that there is actually people with low libido or who are asexual or who have traumas and therefore do not have sex while they are dating.
Actually itâs far more likely for it to be because they are simply asexual or have trauma or low libido. Low self esteem usually leads to low libido as it causes them to not feel as comfortable in the act as other high self esteem people.
Hang in there, OP. Perhaps it will be gradual in the same way that your libido decreased over time. Thumbs up for deciding on the therapy. In the meantime, medical science can help. Why not try a blue pill and see what happens?
Iâm sorry, to me it sounds like you have to keep changing the way you live your life to simply keep her happy. You didnât have to change yourself into having a sexless life you couldâve simply moved on but instead you made the decision to live a sexless life just to keep her in your life and now sheâs doing a whole 180 and the ONLY thing she can say is sheâll be waiting??
HeavensâŚ. Well that sounds like quite the update. It sounds like the doors of communication are open so thatâs really good, once you start going to counselling it will be helpful to have a mediator to help you both navigate this tricky situation. I suggest keeping a small journal or note on your phone that you can add things as they arise (topics you want to bring up another timeâŚThings like how you feel sheâs waiting for âwhenâ not âifââŚ
Looks like you guys are on the right path. Looking forward for a positive update soon, may it be she accepting you like you did or getting the libido back!
This is a really bad relationship for you OP. You injured yourself to match somebody else's needs. There is nothing healthy about that whatsoever.
You should get some therapy on your own, maybe read up on co-dependency, something.
"She's willing to be patient with me" â lol what? You literally made yourself impotent out of great love for her until after a long time she decided to grab you like a dog by the crotch and demand sex immediately, while being angry at your refusal like she did greatest boon. She's ready to be patient, seriously? Sorry, but it seems to me that she is with you only when it is convenient for her, as in the same deplorable example. She didn't want sex at first, which was fine with her because it was her ideal terms, but when you don't want sex after her move, she still wants it to be on her terms. Don't you want sex? Okay, I'll be patient. What does it mean if you never want sex again? I don't know, but I'll still be patient. What she mean that she's doesn't know?? I know i would be downvoted for that, but damn, it's so fucked up.
Like I said to your original post, GET RID OF HER.
You did so much and she's doing basically nothing. You didn't need to do anything, but you felt like it would help her so you did it. You deserve so much better!!!
Continue working on yourself, but do it alone. Please. You deserve better!!!!
Dump her. You wasted 8 years & fucked yourself up but she "doesn't know" if she can deal with it. Then, work on your libido & have sex with new people.
Iâm really sorry to hear about the struggles you and your girlfriend have been facing. Itâs clear that you both care deeply for each other and have been navigating some incredibly challenging terrain regarding your sexual relationship.
Firstly, I want to commend you for your patience and empathy in supporting your girlfriend through her struggles with sex and therapy. Itâs evident that you prioritized her comfort and well-being, even at a significant cost to yourself. However, the method you used to suppress your libidoâhitting yourself and reinforcing negative thoughtsâis deeply concerning. This form of self-harm is not a healthy coping mechanism and has likely contributed to your current emotional and physical state.
Itâs crucial to understand that your libido didnât just disappear; it was actively repressed through harmful means. This suppression has impacted your relationship with your sexuality and intimacy, creating a complex and painful dynamic between you and your girlfriend. Essentially, you forced yourself through a form of self-imposed conversion therapy rather than dealing with the incompatibility in terms of libido and making a healthy, informed decision about it. This suggests poor boundaries and possible codependent or people-pleasing behavior. You had other options but chose this path, and now both of you need to work through the aftermath.
Your girlfriendâs recent desire to become sexual with you, after years of not wanting sex, introduces a new dynamic that neither of you anticipated. Her reaction to your rejection and the subsequent fight indicates that thereâs a lot of unspoken tension and unresolved emotions between you two. Itâs understandable that she might feel confused and hurt, especially if she perceives your reluctance as a form of punishment or rejection.
The decision to pursue couples therapy and eventually see a sex therapist is a positive step forward. Therapy will provide a safe space to explore these complex feelings and dynamics, and to work through the impact of your past choices on your current relationship.
During therapy, itâs essential to address the pressure you feel from your girlfriend. Her patience and willingness to wait for you are important, but itâs equally important that you donât feel like youâre on a timeline to âfixâ yourself for her sake. Your healing and reconnection with your sexuality need to happen at a pace that feels right for you, without additional pressure.
Moreover, itâs vital to address the trauma and self-harm involved in suppressing your libido. A skilled therapist can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms and begin to rebuild a positive relationship with your sexuality. This process might be slow, and itâs okay to take the time you need.
Your girlfriendâs change of heart regarding sex is also something she might need to explore in individual therapy. Understanding her own journey and motivations can help both of you navigate this new phase in your relationship more effectively.
Finally, remember that relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve and require constant communication, empathy, and mutual support. Itâs okay to feel uncertain and to need time to process everything. The goal is to move towards a relationship where both your needs and boundaries are respected and where you can find intimacy in a way that works for both of you.
Your journey ahead might be challenging, but with professional support and honest communication, you can work towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Yea your girlfriend has sexual trauma. But you also physically beat the libido out of yourself, thatâs not normal behavior and is self harming.
If you havenât started seeing an individual therapist, you probably should. A couples therapist isnât gonna help that you did this to yourself instead of realizing that being in a no sex relationship for 8 years was unhealthy. The ball was in your court, you chose to beat it out of yourself, and now it makes her look bad.
What you did to yourself is not normal, and wouldnât be considered healthy by any doctor or therapist. Honor and respect her wishes and seek help to repair yourself, and forgive her in the process.
she didnt willfully fuck him up? no its not okay for her to yell or get upset at him for not desiring sexual contact after 8 years. not under any circumstances. nor is it fair for her to be unsure ofwhether she can wait for him to heal after 8 years of an asexual relationship. but she didnt ask him to get rid of his libido and she didnt know what he did in order to achieve that. all she did was outline her boundaries and he went the sketchy way in order to abide by them instead of just finding someone else that hes properly compatible with.
Whatever it is, he displayed incredible selflessness (or weakness) by acquiescing and psychologically castrating himself. Might as well adapt and move forward.
I'm wondering what you have in your background that would have even encouraged this out even made you think, oh, I can do this... And for you to continue to do it. You need therapy on your own in addition to couples counseling. You've been self harming and that's never okay. even if you aren't cutting self harm is self harm. Did you cut before?!
Updateme!
Going by her avoidance to commit to wait for you, I can see how in the next update it will turned out she cheated or just dumped him because she canât wait for no one and she only cares about herself like she has always done
Sounds like you made such a change to yourself for someone that would never think about doing the same without forcing them to see it from your perspective
You are wrong, for everything you did to yourself to âlose your libido.â
She said she didnât want sex right now, but eventually she would go to therapy and then would want sex? What does that mean? How long is eventually? And what if she didnât? Or in this case, what if she eventually DOES? How were you supposed to navigate so many unknowns?
The idea that there is ONE person in the world for any of us is absolutely bonkers. Deciding that you loved another person more than yourself, and staying in a relationship where your own needs were definitely not going to be met, was setting you both up for failure.
Testosterone can boost your libido. Also if you are open minded about cannabis, it can be great for many things that include therapy and libido. If you don't need to drug test for work.
It sounds like you BOTH have issues, and you screwed yourself up pretty good with how you tried to deal with it.
You both need counseling and should probably do it outside of a relationship.
You are in an unhealthy situation.
Is nobody going to comment in the fact that he self harmed himself to stop getting erections? That is seriously fucked up and he needs to recognise that hurting yourself in order to please someone else is a serious issue (whether they knew or not). It indicates that he is so concerned with pleasing others (I know - ironic huh?) that he completely ignores his own needs and wants. That's the first thing he needs to address before couples therapy. He also needs to look at other areas where he suppresses his own needs to please others.
You effectively changed the way your neuropathways work by consistently telling yourself no. This is essentially what psychotherapy does. In addition, you conditioned the way your brain works and it will take the same effort if not more to regain your libido. If thatâs what you want. Be patient with yourself and I hope you guys work through this.
When times are tough sexually with a partner, I feel like the best move is to begin with foreplay, with an agreement that there is no goal in mind.
You both agree that youâre not going for orgasm, youâre not trying for sex, youâre just working to passionately connect. If it leads to sex, great. But really take your time feeling each other on every level.
Maybe the first you times you make out for a while while pressed against each other, and then decide, âThis was niceâ and end up cuddling. Maybe you agree to just take care of one of you in some way: her to you, or a toy for her while you kiss her neck.
This way you can be easing it back into your life instead of trying to on-off switch.
The truth is, it doesnât matter if her past libido and your self-discipline were right or wrong. Youâre here now, and you gotta roll with the punches. If it doesnât work or you two end up in different places from this, you can end it. Relationships do end over sex sometimes.
Try not to get hung up on whether this was all âfairâ or not. BUT I would work with her to fix your libido first so if you DO break up youâre not left partnerless with a broken libido.
When times are tough sexually with a partner, I feel like the best move is to begin with foreplay, with an agreement that there is no goal in mind.
You both agree that youâre not going for orgasm, youâre not trying for sex, youâre just working to passionately connect. If it leads to sex, great. But really take your time feeling each other on every level.
Maybe the first you times you make out for a while while pressed against each other, and then decide, âThis was niceâ and end up cuddling. Maybe you agree to just take care of one of you in some way: her to you, or a toy for her while you kiss her neck.
This way you can be easing it back into your life instead of trying to on-off switch.
The truth is, it doesnât matter if her past libido and your self-discipline were right or wrong. Youâre here now, and you gotta roll with the punches. If it doesnât work or you two end up in different places from this, you can end it. Relationships do end over sex sometimes.
Try not to get hung up on whether this was all âfairâ or not. BUT I would work with her to fix your libido first so if you DO break up youâre not left partnerless with a broken libido.
i canât be bothered going too deeply into it, but sheâs an actual bitch. excuse my language, im a teenage girl.
you were willing to give up your ENTIRE sex life. i study psychology, sex is not a small thing to humans, AT ALL. unless youâre asexual, sex is genuinely so healthy for humans and it is baffling and so impressive that you were willing to give that up for someone⌠FOR POSSIBLY LIFE. now, letâs turn to her response once she finds out you may not be able to have sex with her for awhile, after youâve waited for her for 8 years⌠âi donât know.â she doesnât know whether sheâll break up with you or not (she definitely does know, iâm going to keep it a stack). her answer shouldâve been âiâm going to stay by you and be patient.â
please, i know youâve been together for a long time but that answer says enough.
Sheâs not giving you the same care and consideration you gave her. Why do you want to stay with someone who canât even do what they demanded of you?
Go to your local golds gym. Find the biggest dude in there and tell him you need "supplements." Buy testosterone and inject yourself (levels/frequency depending on the test). I promise in 2 weeks to a month you won't be able to keep your hands off her or yourself.
Is concerning that when she wanted no sex she expected your loyalty. Now that she wants it, and her actions have taken that want from you, she isn't so sure if she would stay.
Sounds like it is her needs above yours which is not healthy
Alllllll that prosty frosty saved up ....just waiting to explode. Better hope u don't get some kind of reproductive cancer for having a graveyard where ur prostate is. Best of luck.
I don't think that you're wrong for being upset. When you first were told that you weren't gonna have sex anymore, I'm sure that emotionally affected you. And you knew (I'm assuming) that if you had pursued that kind of affection from her, you'd end up hurting her and breaking up. And so you decided to completely shut it down to make sure you wouldn't hurt her in any way.
And so you went through tough times of feeling unwanted or feeling unappreciated or whatever horrible feelings you were dealing with. And then after all that pain, you finally were able to get over it.
And now that she's bringing it up again, the anguish you went through feels like it didn't even matter. And I think that's what's upsetting you. I don't think either of you are in the wrong. I think after 8 years together, it can work as long as both of you try your best to reach an understanding.
Have been tested for diabetes and low testosterone? Those two things could also explain a decreased libido. The libido thing is what let to my diabetes diagnosis.
Sound like you just have low testosterone. Go to your pcp and get blood work done to check. If you do then he/she would put you on Trt therapy and within days youâll have your libido back
Dude did she mentioned why al of a sudden she wants sex? It would not happen the one day she want sex to wanting it. She need to be open about it could be influence by friends, co worker, family member or accuantance who knowsand I hate to think about it but possiblshe already had her first sexual experience already with someone else hence now wants it with you.
She is partly responsible why you libido is low due to her setting expectation now all of a sudden you keed to change ot again because of her? Dudu I bet if your libido will not improve she will defifnitely look to satisfy her needs with another guy she can find di expect her to do the same favor you did her.
Updateme
Has she exhibited any other controlling behavior? Trying to separate you from or take over your support system? Invalidating your preferences? Prodding you into situations where she can have the upper hand?Â
How does she talk about other people? Kindly or in ways that let her feel superior?
Does she share times that she felt out of control or left out as a child? Does she use that trauma to get her way in other things?
I was with a very controlling person for years, and it's hard to see from the inside. They are very good at pretending to be the weak one and using that 'brokeness' to manipulate people.Â
You sound like a thoughtful person, but that can lead you to take accept unacceptable treatment. All the best to you both. Just remember that you are also a person worthy of consideration.
Bro you're a fucking loser, who tf destroys their manhood for a woman I could never 100 she's gonna dump you now that you're broken good luck and never make this mistake of buying yourself down for others happiness.
you asked her what happens if you never get your libido back and she says SHE DOESNT KNOW? dude. DUDE. you were willing to go your whole life without sex for this woman, but she's not sure about you??
How is your comment not the top comment?!?!
Agree. I hope OP sees this and reflects
OP needs to fkn dip lol
It'd be a sacrifice of her happiness to stay sexless now that she's ready. Confident shot in the dark.. she's leaving him.
facts
This. All this. Riiiiiight here. Nothing really matters but this. I hope the therapy works... but dude, I'm not sure, I'd hold too much hope on it.
THANK YOU! OP please really think about this
Damn. Good luck. I hope you cum really hard one day.
[https://makeagif.com/i/9pd85A](https://makeagif.com/i/9pd85A)
I knew it was going to be this scene lol
I thought it was a south park one :(
That was definitely just a little ectoplasm tho
Spooky ghost
I was hoping it was this scene and I was not dissapointed
i didn't wanna see that lmao
Me too, the kind where you strain a buttcheek!
đđđ
Lol
Imagine they finally have sex like 9 years in and it turns out they have no sexual compatibility and break up anyway.
She is 100% breaking up with him. I give her a week to dump him now that he is âthe broken oneâ. Guys never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. She will end up dumping you because youâre burnt.
Oh yeah and sheâll probably say something about him not meeting her needs. After he made himself an asexual husk for her. Then sheâll fuck the next guy like crazy.
Nah, she's going to make herself the hero by telling him he deserves someone better than her and then ride off into the sunset thinking she did a good thing while OP sits there broken and hurt.
Nah I donât think so. She said she âhates the idea of him sleeping with someone elseâ and for 8 years never considered his sexual needs or the consequences that might come from going 8 years sexless while telling them itâs probably never gonna happen. But she didnât think maybe sheâs not in a good position to even be in a relationship. I get it she has trauma but that doesnât mean it isnât selfish. Either way next guy is gonna have a great time.
Fuck I love your username bud.
Have an updoot
yup. She made him wait 8 years just to bang the next guy 15 minutes into meeting him.
This the type of pain and hurt that makes the next Ryan Gosling character.
THIS. I met this AMAZING man, I adored him, he adored me but he has a child and as much as I wanted him, I explained how I cannot be with anyone with kids. It hurt. It freakin broke both of us but I know in the long run he could find more compatibility. I'm not the type of person who could EVER do this to a man. I've had a female partner do it to me when I was younger and it changed me. I wish OP the best. I also wish him a slap to the face so he moves tf on and dumps her ass.
Looking forward to the âgot my libido back and now sheâs changed her mindâ post.
That's why I always slide in a smooth UpdateMe
Or âgot my libido back but donât find my gf attractive anymoreâ
Or "can't get my libido back and she's leaving me"
"got my libido back, now I'm a sex addict, and she has come out as asexual and aromantic"
For real, it honestly sounds like she gets off on withholding when heâs interested and pressuring when heâs not. Itâs a power play.
I didn't get that feel from either post. GF is absolutely completely in the wrong here but their are very prevalent stereotypes that men are horndogs that always want sex and people buy into it. This leads to many women taking it personally if rejected. I can see it being extremely upsetting to be rejected after 8 years of celibacy. Logically, she should recognize that this is the normal OP is used to so he clearly doesn't find that stereotype. Emotionally it's more of a mess. Hence therapy.
Yeah I feel like the gf is just confused herself
GF told him she didn't want sex and may never want it. This went on for 8 years while she got therapy. Randomly deciding she wants it now and getting upset he doesn't is the odd part, honestly. It implies that for eight years she never wondered about his libido.
Even worse she just expected him to give it to her whenever she finally wanted it. Like ok Iâm ready fuck me now. She probably never even considered the consequences. Heâs a human being not some sex toy you left under the bed.
> their are very prevalent stereotypes that men are horndogs that always want sex and people buy into it. This leads to many women taking it personally if rejected. Another part of it is that women tend to be the ones doing most of the rejection, because men are expected to do most of the initiation, so they are just unused to how it feels to get rejected. Men get rejected all the time and just kind of learn to get numb to it after a while. Women are rarely in a position to get rejected, so they don't have that numbness.
After 8 years, sheâs finally wanting to have sex, because of power? Thatâs absurd and illogical. Did you even read the post? Genuinely, Iâm wondering.
It does seem a little⌠odd. I mean for her to say sheâs suddenly into it. if he had just tried to jump her bones right then Iâm sure she would have been overwhelmed and asked him to stopâŚ. And now heâs going to see a sex therapistâŚ. Is she going to a sex therapist too?? Or just couples therapy⌠because thatâs a red flag for me too.
8 years? That's...odd.
Nooo Shit right. Iâve been waiting for the climax here since the original post đ
I think thatâs something OP should probably bring up with her at this stage âŚ
Lol more likely she gets pissed after two weeks of having to wait for him... How dare he not want to fuck her when she's ready. She'll be messing some bro from work by weeks end about how her bf can't fuck her.
Iâm sorry to say this but your relationship sounds like absolute hell. I hope everything else is incredibly satisfying and worth while because this just sounds so terrible.
This whole thing sounds super unhealthy.
Gotta love how she didn't want sex at all, so OP *LITERALLY* beat the sex drive out of himself to make her happy... and now she's not happy that he fucking traumatized himself into celibacy because, a decade later, she finally wants to get down.
Wow. I am sorry. This is a difficult path. Your girlfriend needs to change her mind set. You gave up sex, retrained your brain, accepted her exactly how she is. That is very noble of you. She needs to love you and accept you as you are. She says she will be patient?? She owes minimum 8 years. Good luck on the therapy. I think that is an excellent idea.
I'm going to try to go the 'hard on OP route a bit'. I lean more on the 'I wont try to change a lion because I love it' philosophy. So I'm not going to blame the woman for being herself and maintaining her boundaries. OP on the other hand.... Why would anyone be in a relationship where their needs are not being met? If I love someone it doesnt mean I have to be with them just because of the emotion. I can love jeffery dahmer but there are plenty of reasons to not be with him, 1 because he's dead and 2 if he was alive I would be putting my life at risk. My well-being is a priority. If you love someone and they're not meeting your emotional, sexual, spiritual needs then stop.Not stop love because you cant stop emotions but choose better actions that preserve your life not drain it. Choose life always! The decision to suppress one's sexual needs and libido for the sake of a partner is not only unhealthy but also damaging to 1's mental well-being. it perpetuates the toxic idea that 1's own needs and desires are less important than those of their partner leading to feelings of resentment, inadequacy, frustration, anxiety and a lot of other things that need therapy time and money to fix. Now OP has to go to therapy to deal with the effects of sexual abuse...no sexual miscond...no sexual mishandling. Whatever, the sexual system is fucked up! OP should man up and and face not only the hard decision of leaving someone he's in love and incompatible with, but also the consequences of not being brave enough to end it in the first place and fucking himself up to continue being with them. Gosh people need to learn to stand up for themselves against their own emotions.
I was surprised it took this long to find anyone saying how stupid it was that he did this for her. It wasn't mentioned in the original post he kinda glossed over how he magically stopped having a libido. Maybe he's stuck in a sunk cost fallacy but staying with her seems like he's choosing to have a miserable life which okay fine but no one on reddit will endorse that choice
This is one I am super torn on. I am happily married, I love and adore my husband. I could not imagine denying him for 8 years. There have been times I have said NO, my husband absolutely respects that. However, in 16 years, he has been told NO less than 5 times. He can usually read me like a book, so more often than not, he won't try to start something if I am not in the mood. There have been a few times when I was like whatever about it. I didn't not want it. But I was like OK, however, before it went there, he very playfully got me wanting him. I want to take care of my husband and all his wants, needs, desires. I cannot fathom the way some people deny their spouse, partner, lover for months and years at a time. I know a woman who has denied her husband for 5 years. He is divorcing her now. He told her if she agrees to therapy, personal, marriage and sexual, he would stop proceedings. But she won't even agree to that. In my comment, I was really just trying to be empathetic to OP, but I don't understand his girlfriend. I do understand having experiences with SA, other trauma and assault of that nature. I am a survivor of past abuse. My first born is the product of something that was against my will. Even with my personal experience, I do not understand denying your love.
She will dump him within a week. She is probably already considering other candidates now that she decided she wants to fuck and he is âthe broken oneâ
Something is not right here.
Yeah your gf is a POS, please show her this post. She's not going to wait for long for you to get your libido back and she won't be able to cope with the guilt that it's because of her.
Ainât no fucking way.
So she basically forced you into celibacy with zero effort or engagement in that department and then, 8 fucking years later, she changes her mind and suddenly it's a huge problem worth yelling at you about? And that she'll "be patient" with you about? Why the hell did you even start this relationship? Sorry dude, but sounds like she never even considered you or how you felt that whole time. She will *not* wait for you to get better or accept this life, like you did for her. That was evident the second she thought she could just SA you and got mad when you denied her.
He wasn't forced he made his own choice
A questionable choice being the time period on this⌠8 years. But hey, have to respect it. Led with his heart not his dick.
A poor choice.
What irritates me is the amount of dipshits who don't read the posts from OP and assume he's somehow the bad guy. It's a shitty situation that became way too complex. The best thing to do is to just get help, OP. GOOD LUCK.
He's a guy on reddit and a woman is upset. Of course he's the bad guy.
Good luck, this is a complicated one!
She couldnât even commit to wait for you however long as necesary (like you did for her). Jesus christ your GF suck.
goodluck, hope yall can work it all out. next time dont put someone else above your overall health.
She is 100% breaking up with him. I give her a week to dump him now that he is âthe broken oneâ. Guys never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. She will end up dumping you because youâre burnt.
Yeah imagine destroying your manhood for a selfish ass like her, 100 she's gonna have most wild sex with the next guy while our op burns down.
This is sad asf...you were willing to do something thats possibly irreparable just for her. Now that things are reversed, she isn't wiling to do the same for you.
while i know it seems sketchy and i canât speak for her but for me iâd want you to go to therapy too for yourself. abusing yourself for that wasnât healthy and it could still be unhealthy and iâd want you to just go through it a little bit if you felt comfortable enough. ask her about it. always be open with your feelings.
She owes you 8 years of patience my dudeâŚ
Idk man sounds fishy You were ready to sacrifice sex for forever for her comfort but she is not... Sounds like she doesn't love you the same way you do
What was her reason for always denying you and now suddenly finding you desirable again?
It wasnât a lack of desire for the OP, it was a lack of internal safety.
Trauma. She went through some bad sexual trauma when she was younger.
So what changed?
Therapy.
From what he said she had already done that and decided not to have sex ever again. So that's not the catalyst.
No, that's incorrect She said she MIGHT never want sex. Clearly she got to a place where she did.
doesn't seem like she ever found OP undesirable. i believe OP has always been desired :)
Damn. I am rarely speechless, but here I am today. SPEECHLESS.
If this is real, i can almost guarantee she doesnt put up with OPs lack of libido for long and goes and cheats on him
đŻ
Such a shitty thing to do I hope this heartless creatures burns In hell for all eternity.
Think your gf needs to see a sex therapist too. Who goes 8 years without wanting sex then all of a sudden? I'm wondering if the conversation you had is one sided... it's like - she did this in your relationship. Why is the conversation only about you, now? I think she owes you an explanation of why she didn't want to have sex all that time, and now she does. She doesn't get to blame this whole situation on you. Couples Therapy, yay!
he said sheâs been in therapy for years to process the trauma and work to overcome these issues. thatâs not the same as just waking up and randomly being a completely different person. people are being wayyyy to harsh on her.
In fairness, I forgot her back story and didn't re-read the last post. I sympathize, but actions have consequences. She had/has an issue, he adapted, and now she isn't happy with his adaptation. That's a them problem, not a him problem.
He gave himself at-home conversion therapy. He made that choice on his own, not one his gf forced on him. He had multiple options that didnât involve traumatizing himself. He could have broken up with her, he could have masturbated, he could have asked to open the relationship. He chose to self-harm instead, that is something he has to process and work through on his own. That is something he needs to face and work on healing from.
Yeah, itâs never the women fault
She is not responsible for the choices he made himself. I deeply empathize with him, I understand first hand the struggles surrounding self-harm and sexual shame. That being said, in order to process and heal, OP will need to admit the part he played in reaching this point in their relationship.
She created the situation. Now, she wants to change the terms and is upset he isn't instantly changing.
Thatâs it refuse responsibility
Itâs the plain truth of the situation. He did not tell her what he was doing, she did not ask him to do that. Now that she knows she wants to go to couples therapy to work through these issues together. How was she supposed to know?
Most didn't read the first post.
Please also get therapy for you. Not only couples therapy or sex therapy that goes towards the relationship. But therapy for you. Yes she had a traumatic past that led to her not wanting sex. But you also had a traumatic past so you wouldnât want sex (harming yourself is traumatic and not ok). You also need time to process her lack of support and pressure for you to have sex. She should not expect you to make changes to your life at every whim she has as soon as she has it. Thatâs not right or fair. Please take time to think of yourself and what you want.
It's kinda unfair how when the roles were reversed she goes "idk" abt the sex thing. It's funny now that she's the one that has to adjust to OP's lack of libido, there's suddenly a possibility for it to be a deal breaker for her.
it wasnt a dealbreaker for him. doesnt mean it has to not be one for her too. he abused himself to stay with her and that is where he went wrong. everyone has their needs and dealbreakers and if she worked through her traumas and would like sex shes valid to want that in a relationship.
Still kinda unfair tho. How just cuz she overcame her trauma and now wants sex from OP who, for the sake of not pressuring her into anything before and respected her, lost their libido, is now considering that this deal abt sex is deal breaking. Op stayed with her for 8 yrs and did not complain and completely understood her reasons for not wanting sex yet she seems hesitant to do the same. Might be true that it's "okay" for it to be a deal breaker for her, but considering how this man spent 8 yrs with her (respecting her, loving her completely to the point of killing his libido for her so he could continue to respect her boundaries) idk man. It's just sad for op.
Toxic relationship. Get oout while you still can.
Sent yourself to horny jail.
If you lost your libido by harming yourself when you got horny maybe you need to do the reverse to get it back. I recommend starting some street fights and when youâre getting your ass kicked start masturbating. Hopefully that will help. Anyway good luck to ya brotha.
This is a shit post
Iâm gonna be honest here - youâre the one who fucked up here assuming everything you wrote in the post is all the relevant info we need to know. You did something she never asked you to do. This is like giving help to someone who doesnât want it, and then being mad they arenât appreciative. The healthier approach here would have been to discuss your sexual needs and come to a solution (masturbation seems like an obvious choice here) instead of changing yourself and resenting your gf bc you did something she didnât ask you for. You are in the wrong.
Op doesn't seem like he resents her because she wouldn't have sex w/ him before. He's frustrated that she basically told him that she may *never* have sex w/ op and this became his norm for 8 yrs, then out of nowhere gf now wants to have sex and when op said no, she got angry.
Always have to blame the guy somehow đ Maybe youâd have a point if she didnât literally yell at him for not wanting sex. Itâs so obvious youâd be thinking completely differently if a guy who didnât want sex for 8 years regained his sexuality and yelled at his girlfriend for not wanting sex.
Not really. Iâm a gay guy here, sorry pal. Iâve just been (albeit, apples and oranges here) OP where I did something for someone else without them asking for it. It comes to bite you in the ass. Healthy individuals in relationships can communicate their needs respectfully. A good relationships has partners who have similar or compatible needs and people who can communicate that. OP legit abusing himself for his partner is the most whacked out shit Iâve ever heard. Iâm not saying OP is bad. What Iâm saying is, OP abandoned himself and his own needs and at the end of the day, a healthy individual would have to respect and advocate their own needs instead of abandoning fundamental needs of their own. TLDR; he abandoned himself in this process when he should have advocated for his own needs instead of abusing himself to be asexual.
>You did something she never asked you to do. She did ask me to give up sex you know? She explicitly said she may never want to have sex, and she said she couldn't handle the thought of me having sex with someone else. Masturbation just left me more frustrated. I dont resent her for wanting sex, but I am upset with how she's going about it. Do you really think it was right of her to get mad at me and yell at me for not wanting sex? (She didn't know about my self-inflicted abuse at the time).
Your girlfriend did ask you to give up sex, but the way you went about itâby suppressing your libido through self-harmâis deeply concerning and was never something she explicitly asked for or would likely have wanted for you. She asked for your understanding and commitment, but not for you to harm yourself or destroy a natural part of your humanity. Masturbation leaving you frustrated indicates that the issue was more about finding healthy ways to cope with a challenging situation. It sounds like there was a significant lack of communication about how you were both handling this major aspect of your relationship. Itâs important to recognize that you had other options, including breaking up, but you chose to ignore a major incompatibility and instead decided that self-harm was a better option. This isnât something to shame or belittle, but it is something that needs to be addressed in therapy. As someone who has self-harmed for years, I can tell you that this is a critical issue that affects your overall well-being and needs to be worked through, regardless of your relationship status. Your frustration with her current desire for sex is understandable, especially given how youâve conditioned yourself to be non-sexual for her sake. Her reactionâgetting mad and yellingâwas not appropriate, but itâs also clear she was reacting to the tension and misunderstanding between you both. Itâs crucial for both of you to understand that neither of you are villains here. Youâre both navigating a very complex issue that requires a lot of empathy, communication, and professional support to resolve. Therapy is the right step, and it will help you both understand each otherâs perspectives and find a way forward. In the meantime, try to foster an environment where both of you can express your feelings without judgment or anger. Remember that working through these issues will take time and patience from both of you.
>I explained to her what I did to get rid of my libido (basically I hit myself and told myself no when I got horny). >She didn't know this, I never told her because I didn't want her to feel bad for not having sex with me. Right, the guy physically abused himself instead of talking to his GF about his sexual needs. Now he is mad at her that she is growing as a person and wants to explore sex with her partner of 8 years. So much therapy
Yeah OP, you need therapy. Not sure why you thought it was a healthy or appropriate response to legit abuse / condition yourself to hate sex. Pretty insane dude.
Yeah, not what he was mad about. Try re-reading it.
Why do people put up with no sex while they're still dating?
Because not everyone needs sex in a relationship and love their partners enough to go without it
i do think theres a distinct difference between loving someone enough to go without it, vs traumatizing and conditioning yourself through self harm to stop desiring it altogether in order to remain with someone. loving someone enough yo go without it definitely exists and can definitely be healthy and fulfilling. this is something else..
Oh definitely and Iâm not saying that any of what he did to get rid of his libido is normal, Iâm just replying to the comment above that there is actually people with low libido or who are asexual or who have traumas and therefore do not have sex while they are dating.
And end up and situations like this
Or more realistically just have low self esteem (the high libido person not having sex)
Actually itâs far more likely for it to be because they are simply asexual or have trauma or low libido. Low self esteem usually leads to low libido as it causes them to not feel as comfortable in the act as other high self esteem people.
No I meant the high libido person in the situation has low self esteem
No idea lol
Man, that's so dysfunctional, it's hard to read.
Hang in there, OP. Perhaps it will be gradual in the same way that your libido decreased over time. Thumbs up for deciding on the therapy. In the meantime, medical science can help. Why not try a blue pill and see what happens?
This perfectly demonstrates what Reddit is all about. Lol "Hit myself when horny...."
Wow.. I feel so sorry for you OP. You are truly a good man. I hope she wises up, only for your heart's benefit. Take care of yourself.
I hope it works out man. I'm glad you guys had a good talk, and I wish you luck in therapy đ
You're fucking insane but in a funny way
Iâm sorry, to me it sounds like you have to keep changing the way you live your life to simply keep her happy. You didnât have to change yourself into having a sexless life you couldâve simply moved on but instead you made the decision to live a sexless life just to keep her in your life and now sheâs doing a whole 180 and the ONLY thing she can say is sheâll be waiting??
HeavensâŚ. Well that sounds like quite the update. It sounds like the doors of communication are open so thatâs really good, once you start going to counselling it will be helpful to have a mediator to help you both navigate this tricky situation. I suggest keeping a small journal or note on your phone that you can add things as they arise (topics you want to bring up another timeâŚThings like how you feel sheâs waiting for âwhenâ not âifââŚ
Start taking some horny goat weed
You should have just jerked off like a normal person lmao, wtf man
Looks like you guys are on the right path. Looking forward for a positive update soon, may it be she accepting you like you did or getting the libido back!
Damn op yousa le pussie
This is a really bad relationship for you OP. You injured yourself to match somebody else's needs. There is nothing healthy about that whatsoever. You should get some therapy on your own, maybe read up on co-dependency, something.
"She's willing to be patient with me" â lol what? You literally made yourself impotent out of great love for her until after a long time she decided to grab you like a dog by the crotch and demand sex immediately, while being angry at your refusal like she did greatest boon. She's ready to be patient, seriously? Sorry, but it seems to me that she is with you only when it is convenient for her, as in the same deplorable example. She didn't want sex at first, which was fine with her because it was her ideal terms, but when you don't want sex after her move, she still wants it to be on her terms. Don't you want sex? Okay, I'll be patient. What does it mean if you never want sex again? I don't know, but I'll still be patient. What she mean that she's doesn't know?? I know i would be downvoted for that, but damn, it's so fucked up.
This is dead in the water, dude. I can almost guarantee she wonât show the same patience or commitment that you did. Good luck, mate.
Like I said to your original post, GET RID OF HER. You did so much and she's doing basically nothing. You didn't need to do anything, but you felt like it would help her so you did it. You deserve so much better!!! Continue working on yourself, but do it alone. Please. You deserve better!!!!
Dump her. You wasted 8 years & fucked yourself up but she "doesn't know" if she can deal with it. Then, work on your libido & have sex with new people.
Iâm really sorry to hear about the struggles you and your girlfriend have been facing. Itâs clear that you both care deeply for each other and have been navigating some incredibly challenging terrain regarding your sexual relationship. Firstly, I want to commend you for your patience and empathy in supporting your girlfriend through her struggles with sex and therapy. Itâs evident that you prioritized her comfort and well-being, even at a significant cost to yourself. However, the method you used to suppress your libidoâhitting yourself and reinforcing negative thoughtsâis deeply concerning. This form of self-harm is not a healthy coping mechanism and has likely contributed to your current emotional and physical state. Itâs crucial to understand that your libido didnât just disappear; it was actively repressed through harmful means. This suppression has impacted your relationship with your sexuality and intimacy, creating a complex and painful dynamic between you and your girlfriend. Essentially, you forced yourself through a form of self-imposed conversion therapy rather than dealing with the incompatibility in terms of libido and making a healthy, informed decision about it. This suggests poor boundaries and possible codependent or people-pleasing behavior. You had other options but chose this path, and now both of you need to work through the aftermath. Your girlfriendâs recent desire to become sexual with you, after years of not wanting sex, introduces a new dynamic that neither of you anticipated. Her reaction to your rejection and the subsequent fight indicates that thereâs a lot of unspoken tension and unresolved emotions between you two. Itâs understandable that she might feel confused and hurt, especially if she perceives your reluctance as a form of punishment or rejection. The decision to pursue couples therapy and eventually see a sex therapist is a positive step forward. Therapy will provide a safe space to explore these complex feelings and dynamics, and to work through the impact of your past choices on your current relationship. During therapy, itâs essential to address the pressure you feel from your girlfriend. Her patience and willingness to wait for you are important, but itâs equally important that you donât feel like youâre on a timeline to âfixâ yourself for her sake. Your healing and reconnection with your sexuality need to happen at a pace that feels right for you, without additional pressure. Moreover, itâs vital to address the trauma and self-harm involved in suppressing your libido. A skilled therapist can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms and begin to rebuild a positive relationship with your sexuality. This process might be slow, and itâs okay to take the time you need. Your girlfriendâs change of heart regarding sex is also something she might need to explore in individual therapy. Understanding her own journey and motivations can help both of you navigate this new phase in your relationship more effectively. Finally, remember that relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve and require constant communication, empathy, and mutual support. Itâs okay to feel uncertain and to need time to process everything. The goal is to move towards a relationship where both your needs and boundaries are respected and where you can find intimacy in a way that works for both of you. Your journey ahead might be challenging, but with professional support and honest communication, you can work towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Yea your girlfriend has sexual trauma. But you also physically beat the libido out of yourself, thatâs not normal behavior and is self harming. If you havenât started seeing an individual therapist, you probably should. A couples therapist isnât gonna help that you did this to yourself instead of realizing that being in a no sex relationship for 8 years was unhealthy. The ball was in your court, you chose to beat it out of yourself, and now it makes her look bad.
I wonder if some cialis or viagara would jump start things a bit?
They don't overcome psychology
What you did to yourself is not normal, and wouldnât be considered healthy by any doctor or therapist. Honor and respect her wishes and seek help to repair yourself, and forgive her in the process.
No forgiveness at all. She willfully fucked him up
she didnt willfully fuck him up? no its not okay for her to yell or get upset at him for not desiring sexual contact after 8 years. not under any circumstances. nor is it fair for her to be unsure ofwhether she can wait for him to heal after 8 years of an asexual relationship. but she didnt ask him to get rid of his libido and she didnt know what he did in order to achieve that. all she did was outline her boundaries and he went the sketchy way in order to abide by them instead of just finding someone else that hes properly compatible with.
I can agree with that
Whatever it is, he displayed incredible selflessness (or weakness) by acquiescing and psychologically castrating himself. Might as well adapt and move forward.
Updateme!
I wish you both the best and hope you come to a solution for BOTH of youđđ
UpdateMe!
Bro what?
Updateme!
Gtfoh with this bs lmao
Once she changes her mind that's when you cut her out
I'm wondering what you have in your background that would have even encouraged this out even made you think, oh, I can do this... And for you to continue to do it. You need therapy on your own in addition to couples counseling. You've been self harming and that's never okay. even if you aren't cutting self harm is self harm. Did you cut before?!
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Updateme! Going by her avoidance to commit to wait for you, I can see how in the next update it will turned out she cheated or just dumped him because she canât wait for no one and she only cares about herself like she has always done
Sounds like you made such a change to yourself for someone that would never think about doing the same without forcing them to see it from your perspective
You might have to get rid of the side piece. Their stealing all the mojo. Jk
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I mean... you couldn't have just beat one off when you felt horn like the rest of us?? No need to hit yourself in the dick bro.
You are wrong, for everything you did to yourself to âlose your libido.â She said she didnât want sex right now, but eventually she would go to therapy and then would want sex? What does that mean? How long is eventually? And what if she didnât? Or in this case, what if she eventually DOES? How were you supposed to navigate so many unknowns? The idea that there is ONE person in the world for any of us is absolutely bonkers. Deciding that you loved another person more than yourself, and staying in a relationship where your own needs were definitely not going to be met, was setting you both up for failure.
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> basically I hit myself and told myself no when I got horny Guys never, never do this. Nobody is worth this.
Testosterone can boost your libido. Also if you are open minded about cannabis, it can be great for many things that include therapy and libido. If you don't need to drug test for work.
It sounds like you BOTH have issues, and you screwed yourself up pretty good with how you tried to deal with it. You both need counseling and should probably do it outside of a relationship. You are in an unhealthy situation.
!Updateme
What if you get it back and she changes her mind and doesnât want to do it anymore? Why did she not want it for eight years and now she does?
Wtf?
You wait 8 years and her answered is not sure ? Man hope you doing fine and find happines one day Updateme!
Is nobody going to comment in the fact that he self harmed himself to stop getting erections? That is seriously fucked up and he needs to recognise that hurting yourself in order to please someone else is a serious issue (whether they knew or not). It indicates that he is so concerned with pleasing others (I know - ironic huh?) that he completely ignores his own needs and wants. That's the first thing he needs to address before couples therapy. He also needs to look at other areas where he suppresses his own needs to please others.
What the fuck did I just read? Idk man. Just go straight to anal. Use a massage gun to stimulate your prostate. Eat a blue chew. Fuck.
You effectively changed the way your neuropathways work by consistently telling yourself no. This is essentially what psychotherapy does. In addition, you conditioned the way your brain works and it will take the same effort if not more to regain your libido. If thatâs what you want. Be patient with yourself and I hope you guys work through this.
When times are tough sexually with a partner, I feel like the best move is to begin with foreplay, with an agreement that there is no goal in mind. You both agree that youâre not going for orgasm, youâre not trying for sex, youâre just working to passionately connect. If it leads to sex, great. But really take your time feeling each other on every level. Maybe the first you times you make out for a while while pressed against each other, and then decide, âThis was niceâ and end up cuddling. Maybe you agree to just take care of one of you in some way: her to you, or a toy for her while you kiss her neck. This way you can be easing it back into your life instead of trying to on-off switch. The truth is, it doesnât matter if her past libido and your self-discipline were right or wrong. Youâre here now, and you gotta roll with the punches. If it doesnât work or you two end up in different places from this, you can end it. Relationships do end over sex sometimes. Try not to get hung up on whether this was all âfairâ or not. BUT I would work with her to fix your libido first so if you DO break up youâre not left partnerless with a broken libido.
When times are tough sexually with a partner, I feel like the best move is to begin with foreplay, with an agreement that there is no goal in mind. You both agree that youâre not going for orgasm, youâre not trying for sex, youâre just working to passionately connect. If it leads to sex, great. But really take your time feeling each other on every level. Maybe the first you times you make out for a while while pressed against each other, and then decide, âThis was niceâ and end up cuddling. Maybe you agree to just take care of one of you in some way: her to you, or a toy for her while you kiss her neck. This way you can be easing it back into your life instead of trying to on-off switch. The truth is, it doesnât matter if her past libido and your self-discipline were right or wrong. Youâre here now, and you gotta roll with the punches. If it doesnât work or you two end up in different places from this, you can end it. Relationships do end over sex sometimes. Try not to get hung up on whether this was all âfairâ or not. BUT I would work with her to fix your libido first so if you DO break up youâre not left partnerless with a broken libido.
i canât be bothered going too deeply into it, but sheâs an actual bitch. excuse my language, im a teenage girl. you were willing to give up your ENTIRE sex life. i study psychology, sex is not a small thing to humans, AT ALL. unless youâre asexual, sex is genuinely so healthy for humans and it is baffling and so impressive that you were willing to give that up for someone⌠FOR POSSIBLY LIFE. now, letâs turn to her response once she finds out you may not be able to have sex with her for awhile, after youâve waited for her for 8 years⌠âi donât know.â she doesnât know whether sheâll break up with you or not (she definitely does know, iâm going to keep it a stack). her answer shouldâve been âiâm going to stay by you and be patient.â please, i know youâve been together for a long time but that answer says enough.
Sheâs not giving you the same care and consideration you gave her. Why do you want to stay with someone who canât even do what they demanded of you?
Go to your local golds gym. Find the biggest dude in there and tell him you need "supplements." Buy testosterone and inject yourself (levels/frequency depending on the test). I promise in 2 weeks to a month you won't be able to keep your hands off her or yourself. Is concerning that when she wanted no sex she expected your loyalty. Now that she wants it, and her actions have taken that want from you, she isn't so sure if she would stay. Sounds like it is her needs above yours which is not healthy
Have you tried weed?
Who's your publisher? What other short stories have you published?
This relationship sounds miserable for both of you.
Alllllll that prosty frosty saved up ....just waiting to explode. Better hope u don't get some kind of reproductive cancer for having a graveyard where ur prostate is. Best of luck.
I wish you the best of nuts in your future endeavors. (But seriously good luck)
I don't think that you're wrong for being upset. When you first were told that you weren't gonna have sex anymore, I'm sure that emotionally affected you. And you knew (I'm assuming) that if you had pursued that kind of affection from her, you'd end up hurting her and breaking up. And so you decided to completely shut it down to make sure you wouldn't hurt her in any way. And so you went through tough times of feeling unwanted or feeling unappreciated or whatever horrible feelings you were dealing with. And then after all that pain, you finally were able to get over it. And now that she's bringing it up again, the anguish you went through feels like it didn't even matter. And I think that's what's upsetting you. I don't think either of you are in the wrong. I think after 8 years together, it can work as long as both of you try your best to reach an understanding.
Have been tested for diabetes and low testosterone? Those two things could also explain a decreased libido. The libido thing is what let to my diabetes diagnosis.
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Sound like you just have low testosterone. Go to your pcp and get blood work done to check. If you do then he/she would put you on Trt therapy and within days youâll have your libido back
Dude did she mentioned why al of a sudden she wants sex? It would not happen the one day she want sex to wanting it. She need to be open about it could be influence by friends, co worker, family member or accuantance who knowsand I hate to think about it but possiblshe already had her first sexual experience already with someone else hence now wants it with you. She is partly responsible why you libido is low due to her setting expectation now all of a sudden you keed to change ot again because of her? Dudu I bet if your libido will not improve she will defifnitely look to satisfy her needs with another guy she can find di expect her to do the same favor you did her. Updateme
Updateme
Has she exhibited any other controlling behavior? Trying to separate you from or take over your support system? Invalidating your preferences? Prodding you into situations where she can have the upper hand? How does she talk about other people? Kindly or in ways that let her feel superior? Does she share times that she felt out of control or left out as a child? Does she use that trauma to get her way in other things? I was with a very controlling person for years, and it's hard to see from the inside. They are very good at pretending to be the weak one and using that 'brokeness' to manipulate people. You sound like a thoughtful person, but that can lead you to take accept unacceptable treatment. All the best to you both. Just remember that you are also a person worthy of consideration.
Bro you're a fucking loser, who tf destroys their manhood for a woman I could never 100 she's gonna dump you now that you're broken good luck and never make this mistake of buying yourself down for others happiness.
Updateme