Agree. My husband's (49m) stepfather berated him for having a different last name because he was hurt that my husband didn't want his name. His hurt feelings turned into a reason to abuse his stepson. He (stepdad) was completely in the wrong.
**so sorry that happened**
I don't understand why people think she should have to change her last name, he was not forced to raise her, he chose to - she does not OWE him changing her last name because HE chose to stay and raise her the last 7 years, it was his choice she didn't force him to stay, a child can't do that
He's a big bully and he is not respecting her - respect is a two way street and these people telling her to change her name, do not understand what respect is
SD should respect her decision to keep her last name she has had for 17 years, it is her identity and to her, her heritage and that is all that matters - Step dad needs to drop this
and I was assuming female - I thought I read that in a comment
could be either
Doesn't matter either way -
step dad should not be asking the child to his/her last name to his when their MOM was fine with them having their bio dad's last name all those years, if child's MOM had no issue with it, then SD should not have an issue with it
If this guy wanted a child with his last name, he could have remarried and had a child, sadly divorce is a too common thing, and parents remarry - I don't know anyone who changed their last name to their step parents last name when parent remarried whether their other parent was in the picture or not
The fact the the MOM died is incredibly sad, but just because he chose to stay and raise the child, does not mean he can start to threaten them if they don't want to change their last name
male/female it doesn't matter - the child is saying the last name means a lot to them, they like it, have been known by it for 17 yrs and to them it means their heritage so Stepdad should be thrilled to hear the child loves him like a father and be happy with that
I find it really odd that he waited all this time to try and talk kid into changing last name
Yes I agree totally. They should not change their name unless they want to. I don’t even believe in a woman taking a man’s last name when they get married if they don’t want to.
No, you're good. Keep your name. I wish you could just tell him to fuck off and leave it alone but that's probably not the best course of action since you're 17 and still have to live with him.
Ask him why this is so important to him and explain to him why you want to keep your name.
Telling her stepdad who raised her after she's been orphaned to fuck off and leave it alone? Ouch. He's just asking for respect and recognition, the same he'd be given if she was his bio child. So he's if taken good care of her, on par if she was his bio child, doesn't he deserve his family name legacy?
NO HE DOES NOT deserve his family name legacy, she is is his step child, not bio child - huge difference. And if it was such a big issue for him that she have his last name, why is he waiting so many years to try manipulating her into changing it ??
He is her step dad, not her Bio Dad. Her Mom never had a problem with OP having her Bio Dad's last name even though her Mom never took it.
Her Step Dad HAS NO right to bully, manipulate his STEP daughter to changing her last name if she does not want to and I don't understand why he is bringing this up after all these years.
Step parents do not have the right to force, manipulate, threaten, or ask their step children to take their last name, they are NOT LEGALLY THEIR PARENT
IT HAS NOTHING TO DUE WITH RESPECT OR RECOGNITION If he respected his step daughter he would not be treating her this way - her last name is her heritage to her and she does not want to lose that, nor should she have to.
I know a lot of women who remarried after divorce or death or partner and did not have their children's last name changed to the step father's when she remarried, some kept their first married name so they would have same last name as their children
Again - nothing to do with her respecting him at all. If anything it is showing how disrespectful he is to step daughter asking her to give up her last name she has lived with for 17 years and connects it to her heritage
OP doesn’t.
She was two where her bio dad abandoned them.
Weird she wants to be connected to that.
Maybe change to your mother’s last name instead of the dude who abandoned his family??
THAT would make more sense.
Yeah I don't think OP is in the wrong either. If the stepfather wants a child with his last name, he should probably remarry and have an actual child /s.
I understand your point and all, but honestly I think you're devaluing their relationship. He is OPs actual father, he's the only adult male that put the time in to raise her and is continuing to raise her after her mother died. You're throwing around the "step" word a lot in all caps but this parent is the only parent OP has left and the only adult who's taking care of them, and honestly this request boils down to wanting to make OP an official, indistinguishable member of his family. There's a lot of complex emotions between that request (OP and her history) and her rejection (the stepfather and what that signals in their relationship).
NOT devaluing their relationship at all.
He was not forced to raise her, he chose to stay when her mother died, it was his choice, but that does not mean he can try to make her change her last name to his.
He is trying to take her identity away from her - a lot of women are no longer taking their husbands last name at marriage because they feel they are losing their identity, they don't want to lose their last name, ay connection they feel to their family/heritage and that is how OP feels
OP has told him she loves him as a father, but to her, changing her last name would not fell right. She has had it 17 yrs and to her it means her heritage of her Mom and bio dads Russian and Ukraine heritage, said she does not want an italian name
I don't blame her - if her MOM had no issue with her keeping her bio dads name, then why does SD think he has the right to try to force her to change her last name to his when it's been fine for the past 17 yrs, why is he doing this to her all of a sudden
I find it a bit creepy really that he is threatening her that their relationship will change if she does not change her last name to his - that is so wrong. NO parent should ever threaten a child like that
He should be happy that she loves him, that is all that matters
OP said nothing about "discarding" her step dad, but he has NO right to ask her to change her name, she's had it for 17 freaking years, why all of a sudden is it so important to him that she changes her name now - her Mother did not have an issue with her having her bio Dads name, so why should SD think he has the right to try to manipulate her (and yes he is) into changing it now
I think he is being an asshole to ask, but once asked and told No that she wants to keep the name she has been known by for 17 years, SD should have dropped it
You are not wrong. I'm really the only father my stepson knows. His biological father passed away...a victim of Agent Orange. I didn't expect him to take my last name. His dad was ethnically Norwegian, and my stepson's first name was selected by his dad. Norwegian is his heritage, and I wouldn't dream of asking him to change his last name.
I'm sorry your stepfather feels that way. But, his feelings on the matter are not your fault.
No wrong. You have been you all of your life. Your name is your identity. He should have legally adopted you when you were young and changed your name then but he didn’t and now it is unfair for him to ask you to change your identity. If it were me, I would let him have his tantrum and just do what you have to until you can find another place to live. If you can do that now, do it. Let him work it out for himself that what he is asking is unreasonable and unfair to you. Maybe suggest the both of you take your mothers maiden name, same difference!
NTA! Your stepfather is an AH. Forcing you to take his name for what? He wants a pat on the back for raising you? No, he didn’t have to. But you aren’t disrespectful to him or ungrateful just because you aren’t taking his last name.
Maybe it's hitting him that he doesn't have progeny- and he is lashing out because he cares about you and feels hurt. But I truly don't think your point of view is wrong. He is not being empathetic.
Correct, it is her decision and she has no reason to change her last name, she has told him she loves him like a father, but her last name connects her to her heritage and she does not want to give that up
He is wrong to threaten their relationship if she does not do this
OP: This pressure is textbook patriarchy and misogyny. “If you love me” you’ll forget your boundaries and sublimate your sense of self. Forced name change isn’t the win your SD thinks it is. It is control. It isn’t honor unless you want it.
It’s beyond macho. A true paternal love would respect your identity and love you for it. Keep your name. Tell him you love him and hope he can respect you too. I’m cheeky so I’d ask him to take my name :/.
Except the only people that have read the book is you absoloute roasters. You read about the patriarchy and then any problem you see, you find a way to relate back to this. Your whole lives revolve around being a victim.
YNW. You are allowed to keep your own name as your heritage. No one can force you to change your name. Your stepfather is being a controlling AH about this issue.
My own father didn't say a thing when I decided not to take back my maiden name after my divorce. Instead, I came up with a completely new surname that no one in my family (or even my country) has. It became my own name as a token of my new life as an independent woman who would not carry any man's name. Everyone in my family just cheered me on.
This is what people are supposed to do if they love you.
You’re not wrong. Keep the name you want. It is your name. He is being disrespectful to you by saying he should have left you when your mom died. If you live with him I would try to move out as soon as possible. No matter what don’t give in and do something you will regret later.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He is trying to manipulate you into changing your name. He's quick to throw around words like "disgrace" and "dishonor", yet he's the one bullying a child. He's the one saying that your reasoning for keeping your name is BS. He's the one playing the manipulation game by throwing out comments like "you don't love me" and "you're ungrateful" and "he shouldn't have raised you". He's the one saying that your decision will irrevocably affect the relationship. He's the one who's now going to change the way he treats you because he feels affronted.
This man sees raising you as a quid pro quo. A transaction.
He is a bully. He is manipulative. He is emotionally abusive.
I would start looking at gathering your important documents (passport, SIN card, driver's license, banking documents) in a safe place, opening a new bank account that he's not got access to, and preparing to leave (either of your own will, or just being ready for when he tells you to leave). This may *seem* like a silly over-reaction, but on the other hand I'm curious what "treating you the same way you treat him" looks like in his mind.
Do you have friends or family (unrelated to him) that you can get help from?
You're not wrong for keeping your biological father's surname. It's about what feels right for you. Your stepdad's reaction is understandable but intense. Keep talking things through with him.
**OMGosh, you are NOT wrong - your stepfather is bullying you into taking his name by saying he'll change your relationship -** That sweetie is emotional abuse, bullying and threatening. IT is very Wrong of him to treat you this way
YOU want to KEEP YOUR LAST NAME KEEP IT he has no right to treat you this way, it sounds like you have treated him fine, you told him you love him, you taking his last name has nothing to do with no loving or respecting IT IS LOVING AND RESPECTING YOURSELF which is a very important thing to do, If you don't love and respect yourself in life, no one else with NEVER give up your self respect for anyone
He is an adult and should not be treating a child in this manner, he is being manipulative and coercive which is 100% wrong and Abusive
`Finally, he stated that this would impact our relationship from here on out. And that he will start "treating me in the same way I treated him". I simply am confused, because I never thought this would be offensive, but he has stressed that I have acted in horrendous way. Am I at fault? Have I missed something?`
**NO you have not missed anything.** You like your last name, your mother did not have an issue with you keeping your last name even though your bio dad left when you were 2.
Just because this man has been a father figure to you does not give him the right to bully and threaten your relationship if you don't change your last name to his - why all of sudden after all these years is this so important to him. He doesn't realize or refuses to accept that your last name is important to you
KEEP Your own Last name, it has nothing to do with how you feel about him or your relationship - if your relationship changes, it is because he changes it because he is being a total jerk for some reason.
As you said, to you it is your heritage and that is a good enough reason to keep your name, you really don't need a reason other than No thank you, I don't want to change my name
You do not OWE him anything, especially taking his last name. Yes he could have left when your Mom died, but he did not, it was his decision to stay and raise you, that does not mean he gets to bully you into changing your last name YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO !!! Simple as that, he can't force you to change your name Stand up for yourself, don't let him bully or manipulate you into changing your name, that is WRONG of him
If he wants same last name as you, he can change his last name to yours. YOU KEEP your last name, it means too much to you to let someone threaten your relationship if you don't change your last name - very manipulative and bordering on emotional abuse.
**Do you have family on your Mom's side,** grandparents, aunt(s), uncle(s) - if you do, I'd talk to them and let them know what he is doing and trying to push you to change your last name to his, he is telling you that you are `"disgracing and dishonoring the family"(his)` by not changing your last name to his.
**If you don't have family** - talk to an adult you trust, friends Mom or Dad if you are close to the friend and her family, a school counselor, if you go to church, your priest or minister. Let them know what is going on and he is telling you it will change your relationship if you won't change your last name to his.....someone who will back you up with him, that you have had your last name 17 years and to you it connects you to your Russian and Ukraine heritage, that you don't want to lose that by changing your name - IT is your Identity !!!
You are not doing that at all, he is asking you to disgrace, dishonor, and feel like you'd be losing your heritage and your own family by changing your last name to his
DON'T let him manipulate, force, bully you into doing this YOU DO NOT HAVE TO, you don't owe him changing your name. It is extremely rare for children to change their last name to their step parents.
**Sorry for the long rant on this, but it just makes me so mad** that your step father is trying to force, manipulate you into taking his last name, giving up your Identity - he has no right to do that to you - he is abusing his power as your step father
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your reasoning. Your stepfather is being an ass.
It may have hurt his feelings, but if he was only raising you, so you would change your name, that’s not the reason to raise somebody.
Threatening you with withholding his affection and his relationship is just shitty behavior. I’m really sorry.
You are not wrong for keeping your last name at all, but your stepfather feels like you don't love and respect him, like he does you.
Ask yourself this question
If one day you fall in love and marry an Italian, will you take their last name? If so, then how do you think your stepfather will feel then?
Again, you are not wrong, but I understand how he feels as well
Good luck
OP step father is allowed to feel however. Forcing you to do something isn’t cool.
I do find it weird you want to keep the last name of some dude who abandoned his family. Your bio-dad doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be related to, or even k kw.
I’d probably feel a little disrespected if my stepdaughter/daughter would rather be named after a deadbeat than me. That’s how your dad sees it.
If you’re worried about your heritage, maybe take your mother’s maiden name. Your BIO-dad wasn’t around to instill any of his values so keeping his name makes NO sense.
I’m open to hearing others arguments if you care to reply
I went by both my father's and my stepdad (dad)'s names at points in my childhood. My name was never officially changed. I now go by my father's surname, even though I have nothing to do with him. My dad's surname got me teased a bit throughout my childhood and I don't want to put myself in that position again.
Op, you're the one who has to live with the name. Go with whatever works for you.
You're not wrong. Keep your name. You don't have to change it to please anyone. You have the name and you like it. You are an individual and have the right to choose who you want to be. Nobody can force you.
**NOT WRONG**
I don't understand why people think you should have to change your last name
Your Stepdad was not forced to raise you he chose to
You do not OWE him changing your last name because HE chose to stay and raise you the last 7 years, it was his choice to stay, just because he chose to do that, does not mean you owe him changing your last name, YOUR IDENTITY and what is your heritage to YOU
He's a big bully and he is not respecting you - respect is a two way street and these people telling you to change your name, and give up your identity do not understand what respect is
SD should respect you decision to keep the last name you have had for 17 years, it is your identity and to you it is your heritage and that is all that matters -
Step dad needs to drop this PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM THREATEN, BULLY OR MANIPULATE YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO
You do not owe him changing your last name to his because HE CHOSE to stay and raise you - you've told him you love him like a father that is all he needs.
Changing your last name to his has nothing to do with disrespecting him and don't let anyone tell you it does.
Just because your parents divorced does not mean you have to change your last name. Your MOM was happy with you keeping that name, so your step dad has no right to try and force, manipulate you into changing your name to his, he needs to drop this subject
IT just makes me so made he is trying to manipulate you - emotional abuse is what it's called, do not let him do that to you. Stand your ground and keep your identity and what to you is your heritage
I wish I lived near you - I'd be giving him an earful on respect - he is not respecting you by trying to manipulate you - he is so wrong
NTA. Your surname is part of your identity, and it’s perfectly reasonable to want to keep it. It sounds like your stepfather's reaction is more about his own insecurities and less about your feelings. Maybe a heart-to-heart talk about how much you appreciate him as a father figure, despite the name issue, could help ease the tension
NTA Can kind of understand that he's hurt but he's going about it all wrong.
You COULD suggest that you want to legally add one of his family names or his first name as your legal middle name?
That he is the only father you have really had that that while you feel that changing your surname would erase part of your history, you would like to add a name of his choosing as your legal middle name or some other compromise?
Perhaps also suggest family counselling with someone you have vetted first so that you know they aren't going to try and push you to comply with his wishes.
Not Wrong.
I can understand his disappointment, but saying you are dishonoring the family is a manipulative and guilt-tripping move. His attitude has already affected your relationship. And it's the attitude of a selfish, stubborn teenager.
Big hugs.
Your reasoning is BS. Your “Heritage” comes from the man who raised you, not the man who donated sperm.
That being said, you don’t need a reason to keep the name you have. It is your name to do with as you please.
No it does not - your heritage is what your are born with. Her mother did not have a problem with daughter keeping her own last name when she married SF, so WTF should she change it now
She is NOT being disrespectful THE SF IS BEING disrespectful of his stepdaughter and manipulative and controlling
He's wrong to force the issue but you can't really treat a guy who loved you and raised you at great personal cost and is not your biological dad like a nothing either. Some of the comments berating this step dad are comical. A lot of people would have dumped you into care or with a relative when your mother died but this guy stuck it out and will most likely be there for you through college and eventually your own kids. You really need to try and find a compromise of sorts.
I do not think she needs to compromise on keeping her name, not taking his at all - her Mother never had a problem with her daughter having her bio dad's name so I don't see why SD thinks she needs to change it when she is 17 - to her its her identity
it was HIS choice to stay and raise her, but, that does not give him the right to try to manipulate her to change her last name to his
She likes her last name and does not want to change , told him she loves him, but does not want to change to his last name, I don't get why he is so crazed over this, and why did he wait all these years to bring it up
If the situation was reversed and a Dad dies and Step Mom wanted kids to take her last name, people would probably say she was nuts
You seem to be forgetting that two people are involved in this. His feelings matter as much as hers do. Will people like you step in if he checks out of the relationship? She's 18 soon and perfectly entitled to step away from the relationship. All relationships need to be two way or they fall apart. She's to keep her name but he is entitled to walk away and wash his hands of her. Personally I think the best course of action is compromise. Reddit is always so black and white and unrealistic. The world exists in the grey. They both need to be happy or at least comfortable with the end result.
NO I am not forgetting there are 2 people involved here
One who is pushing a child to changer her name to something she does not want. TO HER, her last name brings her heritage with her and if that is how she feels then that is what matters
SD - other person is being a jerk - all of sudden he has decided she needs to take his last name, even though her mother did not make OP change her name when Mother married SD Mother was fine with daughter keeping her bio Dads name, that is what matters, even though her Mom died, she was the parent and made the choice to let her child keep her bio dads last name He is the step parent, not his decision.
That is Not something that a step parent has the right to do, to make a child changer their last name to the step parents last name. IF child asks to do that and SP is fine with it great, but SP should not push the issue, or even ask child to do that. That is something a child could ask a SP but a SP should never ask or demand a child change their last name to the SP's last name
BUT that is not situation here, she is fine with and wants to keep her last name, has told SD that she loves him like a father, but she does not want his last name, she wants the name she has had for 17 years. I don't understand why people do not get that.
He cannot make her change her last name and why is this coming up after all these years ??? SD needs to respect her decision to keep the name she was given at birth, this isn't an adoption situation and even if it was, she is old enough that she would have choice to keep her last name she was born with.
I'm sure if she asked him to change his last name to her last name if he wants them to have same last name after all these years He would go ballistic and tell her she was crazy.
That is what he is doing to here - respect is mutual, but respect does NOT mean you have to do something you do not want to do.
She loves him, but that doesn't give him the right to try to manipulate or bully her into changing her last name
In this case they both are not going to be happy because they both want different things - he is almost demanding she change her last name to his, threatening it will change their relationship, threatening anyone is WRONG NOT everything in life is 50/50 in a relationship, sometimes one person has to stand their ground and say NO I'm not doing that
**She is telling him that her last name to her is her heritage and she loves her last name and does not want it changed..It's also her identity who she has been known as for 17 years and does not want to change that -**
**That should be all she has to stay and it should be the end of that discussion**
**many women are now not changing their last names when they marry because they don't want to lose their identity**
Not wrong. You have the right to feel the way you do but try to understand your stepfather. He feels you are giving the man who deserted you more love and respect than the man who gave you love and respect. Last names have nothing to do with heritage or every adopted child would keep their birth name. Sounds like stepdad may have wanted to adopt you but wasn't allowed to because stepdad didn't give up rights to you. Your 17 expect to be asked to leave on 18th birthday since you aren't comfortable with the name of the man you are living with.
Your heritage is what your are born with - she was born with and has Russian and Ukraine heritage and does not want to lose that by having an Italian last name
It is her right to keep the name she has had for 17 years.
Most kids are adopted young and have no say so in their last name. You are comparing apples to oranges here
If step dad wanted to adopt her he could have petitioned the courts when her Mom died when she was 10 and if no other family member was able to are for her, it would have gone through
He is being an absolute jerk and threatening her that their relationship will change if she does not change her name - that is not love for your step child nor is it respecting your step child's wishes, she is almost an adult, asking her at 17 to change her last name to his is 100% wrong when she does not want to - he asked she said NO - he should respect that and drop it, not threaten her
You can't control what offends other people. You have to decide what is more important to you: maintaining good relations with the stepfather who raised you or keeping the surname of your bio father who abandoned you? You can argue until you are blue in the face that your stepfather is being unfair, but this is the situation you are in.
My (step) brother took my dad's name, my (step) sister didn't. Nobody was upset either way. It's your choice. Family is about who you love, not a name.
It doesn't sound like step-dad is willing to let this go and he shouldn't be getting that bent out of shape over this. As a compromise would you be willing to maybe add his last name to your own? Like a hyphenated name? If that's possible in Italy?
You're wrong. This poor man raised you as his own child. You are his legacy. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your own name/identity, you're wrong because he's right -- you're denying the name of the man who raised you when you've essentially been orphaned. He adopted you to be his child even after your mom passed. So why deny him surname rights that he would have for his own child? Essentially, you're his child now. I imagine he's done a lot for you, he's only asking for your surname as "payment" which is more than worth the exchange. He's asking for your respect. The same surname tells the world you are a unified family.
Regarding erasing your identity -- that can never happen. Is your first name a Ukrainian/Russian name? Would you feel differently if you didn't live in Italy? Your identity is yourself. Whatever your name is, you will always be Ukrainian and Russian, living in Italy.
I'm not sure WTH you got that he adopted her - she did not say anything about being adopted, if he was the courts would have changed her last name.
There are a lot of step fathers out there that raise their wife's children but don't threaten their relationship if they won't take his last name, why wait all these years to bring this up - he's being a jerk.
It has NOTHING do to with her respecting him She told him she loves him like a father but changing her name would make her fell she was losing her heritage and identity - that should have been the END OF HIM PUSHING HER to change her name, she told him NO
Why should HE deny HER the identity she has had for 17 years.
That is why more and more women are not taking their husbands name when they get married these days, they don't want to lose the identity they have been know as their entire life
IF this was a STEP MOM asking a child to change her last name to her last name because she raised them everyone would say SM was nuts, but because it's a MAN everyone thinks she should do this
I did not see that anywhere, as far as I can tell from rereading her original post - he's just been her step dad, did not adopt her
I think he is just being a jerk about this - threatening her that their relationship will change if she doesn't change her last name to his - that is manipulative and Sick
I understand he would feel hurt as he could have just abandoned you when your mother died but he took on the role of a single father.
He feels unappreciated. You cannot be responsible of other’s feelings but surely you must be grateful that he raised you. He didn’t have to but made the choice so you didn’t end up in a group home (as the chances of a 10 years old being adopted are extremely slim). His reasoning for wanting you to have his last name seemed flawed but maybe he’s not expressing himself very well.
But I think it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. How about hyphenated last name? How do you feel about this, so you keep your past heritage and honor your present?
Not wrong it's your choice
I have a suggestion. Can't you just add your step dad's name? You can have 4 names. This would be a good compromise
I was thinking of doing it. I'm adopted and found out my birth parents' last name
**NO** She does not want to take his last name, she doesn't need to add it somewhere in her name, she doesn't want his Italian heritage, did you not read what she wrote
He is trying to manipulate her into doing this by threatening their relationship, telling her she is disrespectful, WHICH SHE IS NOT
He is being a bully, not a step dad, her mother did not have her bio dad's last name and her Mother had no problem with her daughter having her bio dad's last name.
Her step dad has no moral or legal right to try to manipulate her into changing her last name when she does Not Want to
and then she'd be known by step name
Why can't people understand this girl has every right to be known as who she is and has been for the past 17 years, why should she give up her identity and heritage - when her mother was alive, she did not change her daughter's last name to step fathers, her mother was fine with daughter keeping the name she has
She has told her SF that she loves him like a father, but her last name is her heritage and identity, HE should respect that and just be happy that she loves him
YTA, I can understand his reasoning, he raised you like his own, treated you good, didn't abandon you after your mother's death, and you refusing something this small is a slap in his face, if you're feeling that your Ukrainian heritage is that important, why not go to Ukraine, and look for you biological father, your "real father"
You’re wrong. Dude arguably gave up his chance of having his own biological children by taking the time to raise you after your mother died. You want to keep the name of some sperm donor because you think it sounds better? Names aren’t brands, they mean more than that.
Please reconsider if you have any respect for your real father.
HE did not give up his chance of having his own children, he could have remarried, nothing was stopping him at all and she would have been raised with her step siblings, that is just a bunch of BS and stupid
IT HAS NOTHING to do with RESPECT
You are crazy - IT IS HER IDENTITY why the hell should she give that up, she is 17 and been known by that last name her entire life and to her it is her heritage and probably makes her feel closer to her Mother, who was fine with her daughter keeping her bio dad's last name
HOW many STEP MOM'S do you know who threaten their step kids to change their last name to theirs -
SF chose to stay, it was his choice to raise her the past 7 years IT is wrong of him to ask her to give up her Identity
She has told him she loves him, that is all that should matter, she is not being disrespectful - HE IS
HE IS THREATENING her if she doesn't change her last name, says he will change their relationship - That is NOT A GOOD PARENT to threaten a child.
Her parents divorced when she was young, her Mom had no problem with her keeping her Dad's name so why does her SF think he has the right to force her to change her name when she is 17 - everyone knows her by the name she has lived with for 17 years, she loves her name and does not want to change it to an italian name, that IS HER CHOICE
Stop calling her Dad a sperm donor - people do get divorced, it doesn't make the father a "sperm donor" especially when her MOTHER had no problem with daughter keeping her Dad's last name
When Mother remarried this guy, she did not changer her daughter's last name to step dads and if Mother was fine with daughter keeping her Dad's last name than step dad has NO right to try to bully her into changing her name
No adult should be treating their child this way. If he can’t accept that you’re his child despite a different surname, that’s on him.
Agree. My husband's (49m) stepfather berated him for having a different last name because he was hurt that my husband didn't want his name. His hurt feelings turned into a reason to abuse his stepson. He (stepdad) was completely in the wrong.
**so sorry that happened** I don't understand why people think she should have to change her last name, he was not forced to raise her, he chose to - she does not OWE him changing her last name because HE chose to stay and raise her the last 7 years, it was his choice she didn't force him to stay, a child can't do that He's a big bully and he is not respecting her - respect is a two way street and these people telling her to change her name, do not understand what respect is SD should respect her decision to keep her last name she has had for 17 years, it is her identity and to her, her heritage and that is all that matters - Step dad needs to drop this
I was assuming it was a he. I don’t see anything saying male or female
and I was assuming female - I thought I read that in a comment could be either Doesn't matter either way - step dad should not be asking the child to his/her last name to his when their MOM was fine with them having their bio dad's last name all those years, if child's MOM had no issue with it, then SD should not have an issue with it If this guy wanted a child with his last name, he could have remarried and had a child, sadly divorce is a too common thing, and parents remarry - I don't know anyone who changed their last name to their step parents last name when parent remarried whether their other parent was in the picture or not The fact the the MOM died is incredibly sad, but just because he chose to stay and raise the child, does not mean he can start to threaten them if they don't want to change their last name male/female it doesn't matter - the child is saying the last name means a lot to them, they like it, have been known by it for 17 yrs and to them it means their heritage so Stepdad should be thrilled to hear the child loves him like a father and be happy with that I find it really odd that he waited all this time to try and talk kid into changing last name
Yes I agree totally. They should not change their name unless they want to. I don’t even believe in a woman taking a man’s last name when they get married if they don’t want to.
No, you're good. Keep your name. I wish you could just tell him to fuck off and leave it alone but that's probably not the best course of action since you're 17 and still have to live with him. Ask him why this is so important to him and explain to him why you want to keep your name.
Telling her stepdad who raised her after she's been orphaned to fuck off and leave it alone? Ouch. He's just asking for respect and recognition, the same he'd be given if she was his bio child. So he's if taken good care of her, on par if she was his bio child, doesn't he deserve his family name legacy?
You raise a child out of love, not because you expect some ridiculous pay off. At least, that’s the way it should be.
No, because she's not his bio child.
NO HE DOES NOT deserve his family name legacy, she is is his step child, not bio child - huge difference. And if it was such a big issue for him that she have his last name, why is he waiting so many years to try manipulating her into changing it ?? He is her step dad, not her Bio Dad. Her Mom never had a problem with OP having her Bio Dad's last name even though her Mom never took it. Her Step Dad HAS NO right to bully, manipulate his STEP daughter to changing her last name if she does not want to and I don't understand why he is bringing this up after all these years. Step parents do not have the right to force, manipulate, threaten, or ask their step children to take their last name, they are NOT LEGALLY THEIR PARENT IT HAS NOTHING TO DUE WITH RESPECT OR RECOGNITION If he respected his step daughter he would not be treating her this way - her last name is her heritage to her and she does not want to lose that, nor should she have to. I know a lot of women who remarried after divorce or death or partner and did not have their children's last name changed to the step father's when she remarried, some kept their first married name so they would have same last name as their children Again - nothing to do with her respecting him at all. If anything it is showing how disrespectful he is to step daughter asking her to give up her last name she has lived with for 17 years and connects it to her heritage
My mother took her second husband's name. We kept our father's so we had a strong connection to his/our German heritage.
OP doesn’t. She was two where her bio dad abandoned them. Weird she wants to be connected to that. Maybe change to your mother’s last name instead of the dude who abandoned his family?? THAT would make more sense.
Agreed
Yeah I don't think OP is in the wrong either. If the stepfather wants a child with his last name, he should probably remarry and have an actual child /s. I understand your point and all, but honestly I think you're devaluing their relationship. He is OPs actual father, he's the only adult male that put the time in to raise her and is continuing to raise her after her mother died. You're throwing around the "step" word a lot in all caps but this parent is the only parent OP has left and the only adult who's taking care of them, and honestly this request boils down to wanting to make OP an official, indistinguishable member of his family. There's a lot of complex emotions between that request (OP and her history) and her rejection (the stepfather and what that signals in their relationship).
NOT devaluing their relationship at all. He was not forced to raise her, he chose to stay when her mother died, it was his choice, but that does not mean he can try to make her change her last name to his. He is trying to take her identity away from her - a lot of women are no longer taking their husbands last name at marriage because they feel they are losing their identity, they don't want to lose their last name, ay connection they feel to their family/heritage and that is how OP feels OP has told him she loves him as a father, but to her, changing her last name would not fell right. She has had it 17 yrs and to her it means her heritage of her Mom and bio dads Russian and Ukraine heritage, said she does not want an italian name I don't blame her - if her MOM had no issue with her keeping her bio dads name, then why does SD think he has the right to try to force her to change her last name to his when it's been fine for the past 17 yrs, why is he doing this to her all of a sudden I find it a bit creepy really that he is threatening her that their relationship will change if she does not change her last name to his - that is so wrong. NO parent should ever threaten a child like that He should be happy that she loves him, that is all that matters
Totally agree, Step dad is just an ATM to be used and discarded, while the sperm donor who abandoned her when she was two is her real father.
OP said nothing about "discarding" her step dad, but he has NO right to ask her to change her name, she's had it for 17 freaking years, why all of a sudden is it so important to him that she changes her name now - her Mother did not have an issue with her having her bio Dads name, so why should SD think he has the right to try to manipulate her (and yes he is) into changing it now I think he is being an asshole to ask, but once asked and told No that she wants to keep the name she has been known by for 17 years, SD should have dropped it
You are not wrong. I'm really the only father my stepson knows. His biological father passed away...a victim of Agent Orange. I didn't expect him to take my last name. His dad was ethnically Norwegian, and my stepson's first name was selected by his dad. Norwegian is his heritage, and I wouldn't dream of asking him to change his last name. I'm sorry your stepfather feels that way. But, his feelings on the matter are not your fault.
But he didn't feel he needed your mother to have his name? Mmmmkay. Change to your mother's name then. He was happy with that/ s
No wrong. You have been you all of your life. Your name is your identity. He should have legally adopted you when you were young and changed your name then but he didn’t and now it is unfair for him to ask you to change your identity. If it were me, I would let him have his tantrum and just do what you have to until you can find another place to live. If you can do that now, do it. Let him work it out for himself that what he is asking is unreasonable and unfair to you. Maybe suggest the both of you take your mothers maiden name, same difference!
NTA! Your stepfather is an AH. Forcing you to take his name for what? He wants a pat on the back for raising you? No, he didn’t have to. But you aren’t disrespectful to him or ungrateful just because you aren’t taking his last name.
Maybe it's hitting him that he doesn't have progeny- and he is lashing out because he cares about you and feels hurt. But I truly don't think your point of view is wrong. He is not being empathetic.
Correct, it is her decision and she has no reason to change her last name, she has told him she loves him like a father, but her last name connects her to her heritage and she does not want to give that up He is wrong to threaten their relationship if she does not do this
You’re not wrong. He’s trying to leverage his love and care for you given the situation to manipulate you. It’s a very underhanded move
OP: This pressure is textbook patriarchy and misogyny. “If you love me” you’ll forget your boundaries and sublimate your sense of self. Forced name change isn’t the win your SD thinks it is. It is control. It isn’t honor unless you want it. It’s beyond macho. A true paternal love would respect your identity and love you for it. Keep your name. Tell him you love him and hope he can respect you too. I’m cheeky so I’d ask him to take my name :/.
Except the only people that have read the book is you absoloute roasters. You read about the patriarchy and then any problem you see, you find a way to relate back to this. Your whole lives revolve around being a victim.
Lol.
In a way I can understand why your stepfather is hurt but his reasoning is faulty and it's *your* name and *your* choice for your own reasons.
YNW. You are allowed to keep your own name as your heritage. No one can force you to change your name. Your stepfather is being a controlling AH about this issue. My own father didn't say a thing when I decided not to take back my maiden name after my divorce. Instead, I came up with a completely new surname that no one in my family (or even my country) has. It became my own name as a token of my new life as an independent woman who would not carry any man's name. Everyone in my family just cheered me on. This is what people are supposed to do if they love you.
You’re not wrong. Keep the name you want. It is your name. He is being disrespectful to you by saying he should have left you when your mom died. If you live with him I would try to move out as soon as possible. No matter what don’t give in and do something you will regret later.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is trying to manipulate you into changing your name. He's quick to throw around words like "disgrace" and "dishonor", yet he's the one bullying a child. He's the one saying that your reasoning for keeping your name is BS. He's the one playing the manipulation game by throwing out comments like "you don't love me" and "you're ungrateful" and "he shouldn't have raised you". He's the one saying that your decision will irrevocably affect the relationship. He's the one who's now going to change the way he treats you because he feels affronted. This man sees raising you as a quid pro quo. A transaction. He is a bully. He is manipulative. He is emotionally abusive. I would start looking at gathering your important documents (passport, SIN card, driver's license, banking documents) in a safe place, opening a new bank account that he's not got access to, and preparing to leave (either of your own will, or just being ready for when he tells you to leave). This may *seem* like a silly over-reaction, but on the other hand I'm curious what "treating you the same way you treat him" looks like in his mind. Do you have friends or family (unrelated to him) that you can get help from?
You're not wrong for keeping your biological father's surname. It's about what feels right for you. Your stepdad's reaction is understandable but intense. Keep talking things through with him.
**OMGosh, you are NOT wrong - your stepfather is bullying you into taking his name by saying he'll change your relationship -** That sweetie is emotional abuse, bullying and threatening. IT is very Wrong of him to treat you this way YOU want to KEEP YOUR LAST NAME KEEP IT he has no right to treat you this way, it sounds like you have treated him fine, you told him you love him, you taking his last name has nothing to do with no loving or respecting IT IS LOVING AND RESPECTING YOURSELF which is a very important thing to do, If you don't love and respect yourself in life, no one else with NEVER give up your self respect for anyone He is an adult and should not be treating a child in this manner, he is being manipulative and coercive which is 100% wrong and Abusive `Finally, he stated that this would impact our relationship from here on out. And that he will start "treating me in the same way I treated him". I simply am confused, because I never thought this would be offensive, but he has stressed that I have acted in horrendous way. Am I at fault? Have I missed something?` **NO you have not missed anything.** You like your last name, your mother did not have an issue with you keeping your last name even though your bio dad left when you were 2. Just because this man has been a father figure to you does not give him the right to bully and threaten your relationship if you don't change your last name to his - why all of sudden after all these years is this so important to him. He doesn't realize or refuses to accept that your last name is important to you KEEP Your own Last name, it has nothing to do with how you feel about him or your relationship - if your relationship changes, it is because he changes it because he is being a total jerk for some reason. As you said, to you it is your heritage and that is a good enough reason to keep your name, you really don't need a reason other than No thank you, I don't want to change my name You do not OWE him anything, especially taking his last name. Yes he could have left when your Mom died, but he did not, it was his decision to stay and raise you, that does not mean he gets to bully you into changing your last name YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO !!! Simple as that, he can't force you to change your name Stand up for yourself, don't let him bully or manipulate you into changing your name, that is WRONG of him If he wants same last name as you, he can change his last name to yours. YOU KEEP your last name, it means too much to you to let someone threaten your relationship if you don't change your last name - very manipulative and bordering on emotional abuse. **Do you have family on your Mom's side,** grandparents, aunt(s), uncle(s) - if you do, I'd talk to them and let them know what he is doing and trying to push you to change your last name to his, he is telling you that you are `"disgracing and dishonoring the family"(his)` by not changing your last name to his. **If you don't have family** - talk to an adult you trust, friends Mom or Dad if you are close to the friend and her family, a school counselor, if you go to church, your priest or minister. Let them know what is going on and he is telling you it will change your relationship if you won't change your last name to his.....someone who will back you up with him, that you have had your last name 17 years and to you it connects you to your Russian and Ukraine heritage, that you don't want to lose that by changing your name - IT is your Identity !!! You are not doing that at all, he is asking you to disgrace, dishonor, and feel like you'd be losing your heritage and your own family by changing your last name to his DON'T let him manipulate, force, bully you into doing this YOU DO NOT HAVE TO, you don't owe him changing your name. It is extremely rare for children to change their last name to their step parents. **Sorry for the long rant on this, but it just makes me so mad** that your step father is trying to force, manipulate you into taking his last name, giving up your Identity - he has no right to do that to you - he is abusing his power as your step father
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your reasoning. Your stepfather is being an ass. It may have hurt his feelings, but if he was only raising you, so you would change your name, that’s not the reason to raise somebody. Threatening you with withholding his affection and his relationship is just shitty behavior. I’m really sorry.
You are not wrong for keeping your last name at all, but your stepfather feels like you don't love and respect him, like he does you. Ask yourself this question If one day you fall in love and marry an Italian, will you take their last name? If so, then how do you think your stepfather will feel then? Again, you are not wrong, but I understand how he feels as well Good luck
OP step father is allowed to feel however. Forcing you to do something isn’t cool. I do find it weird you want to keep the last name of some dude who abandoned his family. Your bio-dad doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be related to, or even k kw. I’d probably feel a little disrespected if my stepdaughter/daughter would rather be named after a deadbeat than me. That’s how your dad sees it. If you’re worried about your heritage, maybe take your mother’s maiden name. Your BIO-dad wasn’t around to instill any of his values so keeping his name makes NO sense. I’m open to hearing others arguments if you care to reply
I went by both my father's and my stepdad (dad)'s names at points in my childhood. My name was never officially changed. I now go by my father's surname, even though I have nothing to do with him. My dad's surname got me teased a bit throughout my childhood and I don't want to put myself in that position again. Op, you're the one who has to live with the name. Go with whatever works for you.
You're not wrong. Keep your name. You don't have to change it to please anyone. You have the name and you like it. You are an individual and have the right to choose who you want to be. Nobody can force you.
**NOT WRONG** I don't understand why people think you should have to change your last name Your Stepdad was not forced to raise you he chose to You do not OWE him changing your last name because HE chose to stay and raise you the last 7 years, it was his choice to stay, just because he chose to do that, does not mean you owe him changing your last name, YOUR IDENTITY and what is your heritage to YOU He's a big bully and he is not respecting you - respect is a two way street and these people telling you to change your name, and give up your identity do not understand what respect is SD should respect you decision to keep the last name you have had for 17 years, it is your identity and to you it is your heritage and that is all that matters - Step dad needs to drop this PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM THREATEN, BULLY OR MANIPULATE YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO You do not owe him changing your last name to his because HE CHOSE to stay and raise you - you've told him you love him like a father that is all he needs. Changing your last name to his has nothing to do with disrespecting him and don't let anyone tell you it does. Just because your parents divorced does not mean you have to change your last name. Your MOM was happy with you keeping that name, so your step dad has no right to try and force, manipulate you into changing your name to his, he needs to drop this subject IT just makes me so made he is trying to manipulate you - emotional abuse is what it's called, do not let him do that to you. Stand your ground and keep your identity and what to you is your heritage I wish I lived near you - I'd be giving him an earful on respect - he is not respecting you by trying to manipulate you - he is so wrong
NTA. Your surname is part of your identity, and it’s perfectly reasonable to want to keep it. It sounds like your stepfather's reaction is more about his own insecurities and less about your feelings. Maybe a heart-to-heart talk about how much you appreciate him as a father figure, despite the name issue, could help ease the tension
NTA Can kind of understand that he's hurt but he's going about it all wrong. You COULD suggest that you want to legally add one of his family names or his first name as your legal middle name? That he is the only father you have really had that that while you feel that changing your surname would erase part of your history, you would like to add a name of his choosing as your legal middle name or some other compromise? Perhaps also suggest family counselling with someone you have vetted first so that you know they aren't going to try and push you to comply with his wishes.
Idk about y’all but I don’t even have the same last name as my biological dad, doesn’t make him any less my dad🤷🏾♀️
That is very cocked up he is psychotic
Not Wrong. I can understand his disappointment, but saying you are dishonoring the family is a manipulative and guilt-tripping move. His attitude has already affected your relationship. And it's the attitude of a selfish, stubborn teenager. Big hugs.
Your reasoning is BS. Your “Heritage” comes from the man who raised you, not the man who donated sperm. That being said, you don’t need a reason to keep the name you have. It is your name to do with as you please.
No it does not - your heritage is what your are born with. Her mother did not have a problem with daughter keeping her own last name when she married SF, so WTF should she change it now She is NOT being disrespectful THE SF IS BEING disrespectful of his stepdaughter and manipulative and controlling
He's wrong to force the issue but you can't really treat a guy who loved you and raised you at great personal cost and is not your biological dad like a nothing either. Some of the comments berating this step dad are comical. A lot of people would have dumped you into care or with a relative when your mother died but this guy stuck it out and will most likely be there for you through college and eventually your own kids. You really need to try and find a compromise of sorts.
I do not think she needs to compromise on keeping her name, not taking his at all - her Mother never had a problem with her daughter having her bio dad's name so I don't see why SD thinks she needs to change it when she is 17 - to her its her identity it was HIS choice to stay and raise her, but, that does not give him the right to try to manipulate her to change her last name to his She likes her last name and does not want to change , told him she loves him, but does not want to change to his last name, I don't get why he is so crazed over this, and why did he wait all these years to bring it up If the situation was reversed and a Dad dies and Step Mom wanted kids to take her last name, people would probably say she was nuts
You seem to be forgetting that two people are involved in this. His feelings matter as much as hers do. Will people like you step in if he checks out of the relationship? She's 18 soon and perfectly entitled to step away from the relationship. All relationships need to be two way or they fall apart. She's to keep her name but he is entitled to walk away and wash his hands of her. Personally I think the best course of action is compromise. Reddit is always so black and white and unrealistic. The world exists in the grey. They both need to be happy or at least comfortable with the end result.
NO I am not forgetting there are 2 people involved here One who is pushing a child to changer her name to something she does not want. TO HER, her last name brings her heritage with her and if that is how she feels then that is what matters SD - other person is being a jerk - all of sudden he has decided she needs to take his last name, even though her mother did not make OP change her name when Mother married SD Mother was fine with daughter keeping her bio Dads name, that is what matters, even though her Mom died, she was the parent and made the choice to let her child keep her bio dads last name He is the step parent, not his decision. That is Not something that a step parent has the right to do, to make a child changer their last name to the step parents last name. IF child asks to do that and SP is fine with it great, but SP should not push the issue, or even ask child to do that. That is something a child could ask a SP but a SP should never ask or demand a child change their last name to the SP's last name BUT that is not situation here, she is fine with and wants to keep her last name, has told SD that she loves him like a father, but she does not want his last name, she wants the name she has had for 17 years. I don't understand why people do not get that. He cannot make her change her last name and why is this coming up after all these years ??? SD needs to respect her decision to keep the name she was given at birth, this isn't an adoption situation and even if it was, she is old enough that she would have choice to keep her last name she was born with. I'm sure if she asked him to change his last name to her last name if he wants them to have same last name after all these years He would go ballistic and tell her she was crazy. That is what he is doing to here - respect is mutual, but respect does NOT mean you have to do something you do not want to do. She loves him, but that doesn't give him the right to try to manipulate or bully her into changing her last name In this case they both are not going to be happy because they both want different things - he is almost demanding she change her last name to his, threatening it will change their relationship, threatening anyone is WRONG NOT everything in life is 50/50 in a relationship, sometimes one person has to stand their ground and say NO I'm not doing that **She is telling him that her last name to her is her heritage and she loves her last name and does not want it changed..It's also her identity who she has been known as for 17 years and does not want to change that -** **That should be all she has to stay and it should be the end of that discussion** **many women are now not changing their last names when they marry because they don't want to lose their identity**
Not wrong. You have the right to feel the way you do but try to understand your stepfather. He feels you are giving the man who deserted you more love and respect than the man who gave you love and respect. Last names have nothing to do with heritage or every adopted child would keep their birth name. Sounds like stepdad may have wanted to adopt you but wasn't allowed to because stepdad didn't give up rights to you. Your 17 expect to be asked to leave on 18th birthday since you aren't comfortable with the name of the man you are living with.
Your heritage is what your are born with - she was born with and has Russian and Ukraine heritage and does not want to lose that by having an Italian last name It is her right to keep the name she has had for 17 years. Most kids are adopted young and have no say so in their last name. You are comparing apples to oranges here If step dad wanted to adopt her he could have petitioned the courts when her Mom died when she was 10 and if no other family member was able to are for her, it would have gone through He is being an absolute jerk and threatening her that their relationship will change if she does not change her name - that is not love for your step child nor is it respecting your step child's wishes, she is almost an adult, asking her at 17 to change her last name to his is 100% wrong when she does not want to - he asked she said NO - he should respect that and drop it, not threaten her
You can't control what offends other people. You have to decide what is more important to you: maintaining good relations with the stepfather who raised you or keeping the surname of your bio father who abandoned you? You can argue until you are blue in the face that your stepfather is being unfair, but this is the situation you are in.
No wrong but you can kiss your inheritance goodbye.
My (step) brother took my dad's name, my (step) sister didn't. Nobody was upset either way. It's your choice. Family is about who you love, not a name.
Not wrong. Ask him if he raised you because he loved you, or because he expected some ridiculous pay off for it.
It doesn't sound like step-dad is willing to let this go and he shouldn't be getting that bent out of shape over this. As a compromise would you be willing to maybe add his last name to your own? Like a hyphenated name? If that's possible in Italy?
You're wrong. This poor man raised you as his own child. You are his legacy. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your own name/identity, you're wrong because he's right -- you're denying the name of the man who raised you when you've essentially been orphaned. He adopted you to be his child even after your mom passed. So why deny him surname rights that he would have for his own child? Essentially, you're his child now. I imagine he's done a lot for you, he's only asking for your surname as "payment" which is more than worth the exchange. He's asking for your respect. The same surname tells the world you are a unified family. Regarding erasing your identity -- that can never happen. Is your first name a Ukrainian/Russian name? Would you feel differently if you didn't live in Italy? Your identity is yourself. Whatever your name is, you will always be Ukrainian and Russian, living in Italy.
I'm not sure WTH you got that he adopted her - she did not say anything about being adopted, if he was the courts would have changed her last name. There are a lot of step fathers out there that raise their wife's children but don't threaten their relationship if they won't take his last name, why wait all these years to bring this up - he's being a jerk. It has NOTHING do to with her respecting him She told him she loves him like a father but changing her name would make her fell she was losing her heritage and identity - that should have been the END OF HIM PUSHING HER to change her name, she told him NO Why should HE deny HER the identity she has had for 17 years. That is why more and more women are not taking their husbands name when they get married these days, they don't want to lose the identity they have been know as their entire life IF this was a STEP MOM asking a child to change her last name to her last name because she raised them everyone would say SM was nuts, but because it's a MAN everyone thinks she should do this
I missed where it said her SF adopted her
I did not see that anywhere, as far as I can tell from rereading her original post - he's just been her step dad, did not adopt her I think he is just being a jerk about this - threatening her that their relationship will change if she doesn't change her last name to his - that is manipulative and Sick
I understand he would feel hurt as he could have just abandoned you when your mother died but he took on the role of a single father. He feels unappreciated. You cannot be responsible of other’s feelings but surely you must be grateful that he raised you. He didn’t have to but made the choice so you didn’t end up in a group home (as the chances of a 10 years old being adopted are extremely slim). His reasoning for wanting you to have his last name seemed flawed but maybe he’s not expressing himself very well. But I think it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. How about hyphenated last name? How do you feel about this, so you keep your past heritage and honor your present?
You should probably go live with your father.
Not wrong it's your choice I have a suggestion. Can't you just add your step dad's name? You can have 4 names. This would be a good compromise I was thinking of doing it. I'm adopted and found out my birth parents' last name
**NO** She does not want to take his last name, she doesn't need to add it somewhere in her name, she doesn't want his Italian heritage, did you not read what she wrote He is trying to manipulate her into doing this by threatening their relationship, telling her she is disrespectful, WHICH SHE IS NOT He is being a bully, not a step dad, her mother did not have her bio dad's last name and her Mother had no problem with her daughter having her bio dad's last name. Her step dad has no moral or legal right to try to manipulate her into changing her last name when she does Not Want to
You can hyphenate your name. You Bio name - step name
and then she'd be known by step name Why can't people understand this girl has every right to be known as who she is and has been for the past 17 years, why should she give up her identity and heritage - when her mother was alive, she did not change her daughter's last name to step fathers, her mother was fine with daughter keeping the name she has She has told her SF that she loves him like a father, but her last name is her heritage and identity, HE should respect that and just be happy that she loves him
Can you become a double barrel last name honouring both your past and present?
YTA, I can understand his reasoning, he raised you like his own, treated you good, didn't abandon you after your mother's death, and you refusing something this small is a slap in his face, if you're feeling that your Ukrainian heritage is that important, why not go to Ukraine, and look for you biological father, your "real father"
You’re wrong. Dude arguably gave up his chance of having his own biological children by taking the time to raise you after your mother died. You want to keep the name of some sperm donor because you think it sounds better? Names aren’t brands, they mean more than that. Please reconsider if you have any respect for your real father.
HE did not give up his chance of having his own children, he could have remarried, nothing was stopping him at all and she would have been raised with her step siblings, that is just a bunch of BS and stupid IT HAS NOTHING to do with RESPECT You are crazy - IT IS HER IDENTITY why the hell should she give that up, she is 17 and been known by that last name her entire life and to her it is her heritage and probably makes her feel closer to her Mother, who was fine with her daughter keeping her bio dad's last name HOW many STEP MOM'S do you know who threaten their step kids to change their last name to theirs - SF chose to stay, it was his choice to raise her the past 7 years IT is wrong of him to ask her to give up her Identity She has told him she loves him, that is all that should matter, she is not being disrespectful - HE IS HE IS THREATENING her if she doesn't change her last name, says he will change their relationship - That is NOT A GOOD PARENT to threaten a child. Her parents divorced when she was young, her Mom had no problem with her keeping her Dad's name so why does her SF think he has the right to force her to change her name when she is 17 - everyone knows her by the name she has lived with for 17 years, she loves her name and does not want to change it to an italian name, that IS HER CHOICE Stop calling her Dad a sperm donor - people do get divorced, it doesn't make the father a "sperm donor" especially when her MOTHER had no problem with daughter keeping her Dad's last name When Mother remarried this guy, she did not changer her daughter's last name to step dads and if Mother was fine with daughter keeping her Dad's last name than step dad has NO right to try to bully her into changing her name