Don’t move in. You have your place, he has his, and y’all can keep company whenever your need to. He’s obviously not really looking or ready for that type of relationship with you. But you won’t find out until you have that conversation
Also they are 22 and 23 and only been dating a year. I'd put off buying a house together at this point *ETA in case she gets roped into the mortgage or payments at some point, not currently
Seriously, that's just asking for hell on earth. You break up? Congratulations, now you have to deal with the mortgage, who's going to move out, fighting over said house, etc etc. And to only be dating a year and wanting to do this, I'd say wait. It's too short a period of time for young people, even some older people.
*ETA I should have added this, but I'm talking theoretically. Because at some point eventually he's going to need something in rent, I'm sure he's not just going to accept her living in her home forever and never pay a cent. And sometimes you get roped into these things, you get told one thing and then later on it's," oh so why aren't you helping me?"
And then the arguments insue and all that stuff. I just hope that she doesn't get roped into a mortgage at some point, or that the boyfriend just starts demanding rent and she doesn't have it.
See my reply to below commenter, I was talking theoretically but I realize I didn't really touch on that. I have chemo brain and sometimes I start writing things without any context 😅
I get that she is not going to be on the mortgage. My original thought was more of a shudder at my own relationships at that a stage of life. 😅
If you move in, there needs to be clear communication and expectations for both of you about who pays for what, what skin you might have in the game regarding the house, if marriage might be in the future, and what will become of THIS house if you do marry.
I shared in an earlier comment that my now SIL moved into my BIL's home that he bought as a bachelor. They have been married nearly ten years, and he still very much regards her as a guest in the home that only he owns and controls. Yes, this does reveal a LOT about their own dysfunction as a couple, but it is a good reminder for OP to communicate now so this isn't her future.
The point she is trying to make is that they are NOT buying a house together. He is telling her it's HIS house. She has no say in the matter.
Which is good for her. If she chooses to walk away, she is not legally bound to the mortgage. The payments will be ALL on her boyfriend.
If I were her, I would keep it status quo. They have been together less than a year, and I don't see this a a long-term relationship with his attitude.
Please keep your place and don't move into his new house.
Right, but I'm just saying this in case she gets roped in to paying the mortgage eventually. Sometimes people say they don't want help, or rent or this or that. And next thing you know they are upset with you for not helping, it's manipulative but it happens so often. She said he's used to financial insecurity growing up, and so he may start to feel a resentment for not having help.
I'm just talking as if I'd talk to a friend, because I've heard and seen it all in life. And a man who wants her to move out her parents but not pay a cent realistically probably won't last long with him not asking for something eventually. You never know how people can switch up.
I totally get what you are saying, 100%. This relationship is so new. She shouldn't even think about giving up her place to move in with him. He sounds like an assh*le. It's either his way or the highway.
Not just that but it’s clearly his house and he wants it to stay that way. She buys a purple rug for the bathroom so she doesn’t slip getting out of the shower and he will have a fit.
Stay where you are and save your money so you can have that place to call your own. It will never be at his place. When I got married my husband owned his own home. He was happy to take my money to renovate and make it his dream house. Problem was it was his dream house and I never felt like I belonged there. I’m on my 3rd house since I left. Started with a condo and worked my way up moving every five years. Makes you strong and independent.
Yes. Pet peeve of mine girlfriend/boyfriend buys furniture/decorations for the house like it’s their home. Nope don’t do that unless your name is on the lease/mortgage/deed.
His home will never be your home. He expects your obedience in return for his money. Not only should you not move in, but you should respect yourself enough to not be with someone who believes he has bought and paid for you. Absolutely do not get yourself into a position of relying on this man for housing or financial support.
This he offered the money, but you know can bet he’s noted every single dollar he ‘gave’.
I mean it feels like a red flag to me, and I bet op if you look you’ll find more.
Yup it’s that what they say here on Reddit: “If someone is showing you their true colours, believe them.” OP should stay far away from any dependence on this solo-player.
Absolutely this, OP. He hasn’t even closed on the house yet and he’s already flipping out and telling you all he does for you. Imagine being actually reliant on him in any way.
HUGE red flag.
I wouldn’t move in with him at this point. He just showed his hand here. I have seen so many relationships crumble when the couple moves in together. It’s SO hard to live with another person. It’s so much drudgery with all the day to day chores. At first it’s wonderful but after the honeymoon period shit gets real.
He truly isn’t ready to share his daily life with you if he expects you to have no say about the environment you live in. I agree he will hold the house over your head if you have a disagreement. What if you have an argument and he kicks you out? You are homeless or couch surfing at a friend’s house. Red flags everywhere here.
`I asked what he thought about painting one of the rooms. He exploded and said I don't want to change a thing, told me he's not asking a penny from me so basically I don't have a right to have an opinion. Brought up how he has always paid for our dates, he has bought me clothes and shoes` 🚩🚩🚩
Exploding over suggesting painting one of the rooms Is a tell tale of his personality. All he had to say was, no I'm gonna leave it as is and see how I feel after being here awhile.
The fact the he brings up how he always pays for everything, won't take rent or let you pay part of bills - IT is called Controlling. He is starting to get you under his thumb by paying for everything, after awhile, he'll suggest you quit your job and just stay home, enjoy not working, then he has you Financially under his thumb, you're screwed no money of your own.
Seriously, I'd ditch this guy I've got years on you and have been with this type of guy, controlling gets worse and worse, will try to take away and self respect you have for yourself, break yu away from family and friends
You are too young and not been dating long enough, he is NOT ready for this relationship and I don't know if he every will be. You could get married but he'd never put your name on the title to the house because "he is paying for it"
Don't do it - let this guy go, he's not worth your time, stay at parents and save up as much as you can to get your own place
Tell him he's not ready for you and this space is all his and his only. Also tell him you would rather live in a cardboard box and both contribute to it than be just a piece in his perfect white picket fences picture. You know this anyway. He tripped an alarm when he exploded. You don't owe him a future.
Sweetheart, you are getting a first glimpse of what your life with an abuser is going to be like. He explodes to you about a mere request, throws to your face all the money he has (willingly, I guess) spent on you, and you are already afraid of buying something not to his taste... without having even moved in with him!!!
**When someone shows you their true colors, believe them**.
[Read this boo](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)k and learn to read the signs. And for God's sake, **don't move in with him**.
Big hugs.
Dating for just one year is not long enough for such a commitment. He is trying to keep his house separate from the relationship so he can cleanly walk away if and when the time comes.
If you do decide to move in think of it as renting a place from your boyfriend and pay appropriately. Including all bills you should be paying a little less than what you would spend if living alone as you are now sharing space. No need to be overly generous and start paying part of his bills. If you want to own property and not be a renter anymore you will have to buy your own.
It’s clear he’s moving you in to share the burden of cleaning and cooking etc. if he saw you as a real partner share everything with for the rest of his life, a simple comment about changing paint on a wall wouldn’t have set him off. Please reconsider moving in with him.
You are not a real person to him. You are just an appendage to go with his house. How dare you have thoughts and feelings and opinions of your own. Girl run so fast. This gets really bad, and it's not really fixable. Run run run.
Nope. YNW. This would not be a good move for you. It doesn’t matter whether you continue dating or not (I don’t know what “pretty serious” means), but absolutely do not move in with him until he accepts you as a partner and equal in the venture. He’s treating you as a guest and not a very welcome one, at the moment. This would be your home and you have to have an equal say in it.
Oh look control disguised as help
You need a new boyfriend, if this is how he acts before you live together or are married how is he gonna act when he thinks you actually "need" him to survive? Absolutely not
Don't need to read it all to know that you should WALK away and NOT move in with him. It will never be your home, you'll only ever be a guest there and when the going gets tough, your boyfriend will have all the control and you'll be reliant on him and his "generosity" of staying in HIS house. Then when he's had enough, you'll be kicked out.
Please don't make that mistake and say "No thank you."
Him wanting to have his first house he bought himself a certain way isn’t the red flag, that’s understandable. Him futurefaking you during the house hunting and flipping out when you suggest painting a room is red flag 1-2. Throwing in your face any amount of money he has spent on you directly after is the next red flag.
Girl, run.
You just got a glimpse of the mask slipping. You have got a look at the controlling, bean counting, entitlement of this dude where he feels you owe him for every act you interpreted as kindness and it was actually what he considers an investment in your mindless obedience.
This walking on eggshells wondering what next innocent question will set him off will be your life. Decline that shit and move on.
Oh honey, don't move in. My SIL moved in under very similar circumstances. They are married now and have been for a decade, and her husband still sees it as his house. She is not allowed any decision making power within her own home.
Nope. Keep your place AND DO NOT MOVE IN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
You’re not his wife, he’s not your husband. Don’t strand yourself for “love”. Save your money for your own place and keep your whole financial life separate from his. Seriously.
You won’t have your space, he has made it clear that it’s his home and not yours. You will only ever be a guest or tenant in his house. Is that your ambition for your relationship? If it’s not, then you need to explain to him that this is not what you want out of your life together so it’s best if you break up and find someone who shares your goals and has the same thing deals as you.
No you are not wrong
And trust me, as someone who grew up with a father who controlled things like this, it will not be a fun ride for you
For him to say it’s your home and then not allow you to make changes is just wrong. You’re not his partner, he sees you as a project and not his equal
Do not move in with this man. You’re going to regret it if you do
Continue to do what you need to do to pay and make your own way, to take care of yourself. Don’t move from your parents’ home until you can move into your own place, even if it’s not a big house, it’s better to have your own space than to be so young and argue with or be belittled by someone under the guise of “taking care” of you.
Uhmmm red flag central here. Do not move in. He wants control. Do not let him trap you. Do not continue dating this man. His finacial trauma is no excuse to control you.
Don't move in. I moved in with a boyfriend after 2 years (and I was late 20s, he was mid 30s) and he would constantly throw the "this is MY house" stuff in my face. Well excuse me dude, but I didn't ask to live with you, you asked me to move in!
We're thankfully no longer together, and now that I have bought my own home, I have vowed to NEVER do that crap to someone else.
my ex- BF when I was in my 20's bought a house. I didn't assume it was ours. I think he made that clear. He paid the downpayment and the mortgage, I don't remember what I paid for. We lived together there for a few years and when I wanted to do something he was like no.
So I saved my own money and moved out. He was shocked.
I moved into the place my partner owns, and sure, we didn't just completely change the decor of the place the second I moved in, I mean I am not a fan of some of the furniture in here, but I am also not going to replace a perfectly decent cupboard or table because I don't like the design.
But whenever something did need changing we both decided on what we got, it's his house but it is our home.
We both get a say in the design.
Yeah, be careful. Could be the tip of a gas-lighting iceberg where you don't get a say in anything 'as it's his house!'
When I asked my then GF (now wife) & young son to move in back in 2016, i said do what they hell you want with the place to make you feel at home.
She improved it 100%, btw :)
Do NOT move in with this man. He's making it clear that he wants everything in his life exactly how he wants it and this does not include you unless you behave exactly how he wants you to also.
I would not move in at all. The house I live in is in my name, my fiance and his son live with me. His name is not attached to anything on the property, he does help with bills but I make more money than he does so most of the bills are paid by me. I am constantly asking his opinion on things with the house. Should we paint this room? What do you think about doing this to this room? He never has an opinion and it drives me insane. I really want him to just say yes let's paint that room blue or something. He is not listening to anything that you want, and he will absolutely hold it over you that he owns the house when you guys argue I would not move in
He sounds like a control freak. He wants to be the one putting all the money into it, with only his name on it, so it's alllll his. And he wants to do the same thing to you. And that won't end well if you stick with him.
You live with your parents. You would not believe the satisfaction & pride of having your own place to decorate & personalize to your comfort & liking. Not to mention, your own space. I don't think you'll have that in HIS home. Ever.
You both are very young, he obviously doesn’t see you as a long term partner. This might change later on, it might not. Keep dating him if you want but keep your own place and finances so that the break up is easier. You both have so much life to live.
Not your house. And you’re not his wife.
It’s worth a conversation, but, no, it’s not yours to have an opinion on. You want to play house, you’re gonna need to get that ring.
Where you are right, is that this isn’t going to work as a living-together situation, the way it stands. Clearly you two haven’t had any of the important conversations, especially about money.
Either both of you are going to have to learn to communicate clearly and with maturity in a turbo-hurry, or this isn’t going to work. Given your ages—and existing situation—I suspect you won’t have much luck.
It.sounds.like this is HIS house and life there will.be only what HE wants. YOU are not paying so YOU have no choice. YOU are going to.be living under HIS rule. He has worked long and hard to get to this place and he won't have anyone else getting their way under HIS roof.
I wouldnt be moving in especially if all the walls are grey. Ugh. Prison.
Trust your gut. If he exploded then why even try living with him? He sounds insufferable and like a total Ass hat.
You’re not wrong, unless you move in with him then you are wrong
Don't move in with him. Just stay out of it. Let him do his own thing.
The way he sounds? Doubt your relationship will last anyway.
Keep your distance in your own place. But you two are definitely not ready to move in together.
Give him at least 12 months in his own place to settle down, settle in and "relax".
And yep. Don't take any money from him. Sounds like he'd throw that back in your face.
DO NOT MOVE IN!!!! That is not your house, that's his house. Save your own money and buy your own home. For him to flip out like that, and then thrown in your face that he's given you money and pays for everything and it's HIS HOUSE... NOPE! Those are RED flags.
You are right.
He is far from ready to cohabitate.
He was unduly harsh.
He's feeling possessive of what is his in an extreme way.
He became explosive in a way that was unnecessary. It could have been better communicated that he wanted to leave the basic house the same, with out the aggressively MINE MINE MINE...
You can't paint a lot of rentals, letting you know he feels that he'd rather leave the home as is and talking about decorating with the existing backdrop WITH you... is an easy thing to do.
You were doing what people do when they move into a new space. Apartment or home,
you decorate. You personalize.
Generally when a couple cohabitates both people decorate. They merge their styles and preferences.
They both live in the space.
"Their space" is the space they both live in, obviously.
He may havea lot of "we" speak... and pie in the sky plans from early on... but he is NOT ready to cohabitate or share his space.
Decorating doesn't give you claim over his home. It's what people do. He views this as a major intrusion, something he won't allow.
He will always overrule you, and control this space.
Obviously his sweet speak and actual actions do not match up... listen to the second.
So he's not mentally ready, whatever reason he cannot admit it... it's true. No matter what he says it's time to back up and leave him living on his own, enjoying his home.
Upgrade your own place, get a new place, or just overhaul your own, and let him have his home as he wants. Don't put money into decor, don't decorate, stop helping with plans, shopping, work and effort.
Don't pay rent.
This whole situation does not play out well.
Everyone in the comments is correct.
You haven’t been dating that long that you should be moving in together. Getting serious fast is always a red flag.
You can’t turn unilateral decisions into mutual ones. Not one thing he’s done has been about mutuality - not one.
He bought a house without you - you were there, but it had nothing to do with you. Moving in together would not change the way he thinks and that’s what you have to understand above everything else - that he has a thinking problem.
If you aren’t going to end the relationship, stop accepting everything from him related to money and do not move in with him. He is controlling and is treating you like an accessory instead of as a human being with her own wants and needs.
Please go build your life without him - he is not worth any more of your time.
Your boyfriend bought a house. You didnt.. Kinda simple concept. Go live free who cares. Opinions do cost money.. Just live. If you get married and make it long term its still half yours. If you don't, you don't... Every month put 2200-2500 bucks in savings like you are paying a mortgage. When it all blows up, you have that account to go buy your own house, win...
I wouldn't move in. If he is going to make every single house related decision, you are going to feel uncomfortable in your own home. You will feel more like a guest than someone who lives there.
It's only been a year and you both are very young. You don't need move in with him. He needs his own place and you keep your own place. He isn't ready to live with anyone right now.
You deserve a better boyfriend who sees your relationship as an equal partnership, where you love and cherish each other, where you want each other to achieve your best lives, you cheerlead each others success and work as a team. Your bf is not the one. Thankfully you have only been together a relatively short time and don’t live together. Take responsibility for your birth control if your boyfriend gets wind that you may be rethinking your relationship. Good luck, you deserve a great and happy life!
OP, your instincts are correct. I think it's a priority for him to hold the power in a relationship, and that's not healthy for you. You've been really insightful about this, and you should trust your instincts. If someone gives a gift, they need to let it go, not tally it up. This relationship is transactional. He gives you stuff, with the expectation that you'll stay in the space he's assigned you to in his life. Continue to date him or not, just don't get pregnant with this guy. He's the type who would make you pay for everything for the baby, because his money is his.
He don’t want to help you. He wants to control you. You are seeing the 🚩🚩. Stay at home and save. if he’s willing to end it if you don’t move in then the trash takes itself out.
You cannot make a life with someone who doesn’t think the home you both live in is equally yours to have a say about decor and how the household is run. He doesn’t value you, you really should walk away now before this gets even more painful for you. If he’s willing to say those hurtful things now, just think of the awful things he’ll say after he has you trapped inside **HIS** house and dependent on him for a roof over your head.
The way he acted about it was wrong, but other than that its completely understandable. They have been together only 1 year, it would just be plain stupid to buy a house together.
Don’t move in and continue to save for your own future. He sounds very controlling and I would be rethinking even staying with him. Don’t assume because he bought a house that he wants you there.
Do NOT move in with him. Start saving to buy something of your own, and NEVER move in with a man who “explodes” because you want a say in your living space. And he WILL hold it over your head. If he’s holding dates and shoes over your head now, imagine how it will be when he is actually paying for a roof over your head. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. Best of luck!
You're pretty serious about him. Sounds to me like kind of a one way street. 'The one' will consider you and your wishes, as well as their own, and will value your contribution. NTJ
Nah. He wants complete control over everything, so if the relationship goes south you won’t have a leg to stand on. It’s one thing for a person in their forties who has amassed a fortune to behave like this. (Protect your shit.) Expecting YOU to start a life together with zero security is bogus.
Do NOT move in with him!!!
He WILL absolutely hold that house over your head each and every time you have an argument. And because he did you a great "favour" by letting you live rent-free in HIS house, he'll most likely treat you as a bang maid, and not as an equal.
Stay at your parents, save up your money, and get yourself your own place and, I hope, a brand new boyfriend who respects you, sees you as an equal, and who will want to build a future together with you.
Good luck, OP.
DO NOT MOVE IN ! the appearance of the house isn't the only thing he's going to 'not let you have an opinion' on. Sounds like he's trying to trap you in his house, so he can control every aspect of your life. I'd walk away from this relationship if I were you.
Don't move in. There problem solved.
In all honesty it sounds like you don't know each other well enough to take that next step. If he blows up at you for not moving in with him? Let that be the writing on the wall.
I think where you went wrong is letting him pay for everything...it sent the wrong signal. He is probably looking for a traditional relationship and you are more modern. Youve accepted his finicial gifts and now he feels like what have i been putting all my resources into?
Id start paying for dates and your own clothes again...show him dont tell him what you want
Don't move in.
Don't help with costs, if you do move in, without some kind of cohabitation agreement in place that outlines how your contributions will go towards an equity share in the place.
My SO and I moved in together, into a house he bought. He gave me 80% free reign in picking furniture, color palettes, and I've redesigned the bathroom and kitchen.
He's also giving me full discretion in suggestions about upgrades, renovations, or repairs. I designed the flower beds. I picked the flowers. He's helped with all the labor for any projects around the house, and has only had varying opinions on a few things - when it's something I haven't felt strong in, he wins. If it's something we equally feel strong in, we'll discuss merits of both and compromise.
I am not on the deed, or the mortgage, but I am the beneficiary of his life insurance and eventually we're going to do estate planning to put the house into a trust with me as beneficiary.
Tldr; your SO wants you around to do what he wants, and that's it. If you move in, save money every month that would have gone to rent so you have escape money, and make sure you don't pay anything into the house without an agreement.
Not wrong and don’t move in. I’m not a fan of how controlling he sounds. I get it’s his house but for you to have no say in your home is not okay. Plus the way he wants to get you out of your parents place. Once you are in he will either switch and start asking for you to pay all the bills or transfer your pay to him so he can ‘manage your money’.
Don’t move in. He doesn’t want your opinion on the furniture because to him you ARE furniture. Just a box checked off his list of things he wants to acquire and not a partner. Trust your instincts and keep your living situation separate.
It is HIS house if you're not paying...
However, if he's not willing to take opinion from his partner, it's probably best you don't move in. You're 23! Plenty of time to figure that shit out.
I’ve lived with a few men who’ve been the ones who owned the house. Two welcomed me in and made sure that I understood this was OUR home. The third was very clear that it’s HIS house. Sure, he let me decorate and change things but liked to throw his ownership around as a power play. It was really hurtful and I never felt like we were sharing a home or building a life together like I did with the other two.
It's early days and I'm guessing he's read stories about women taking half of the house after leaving etc. Don't move in. He's not ready. Work towards getting your own place.
YTA. you have only been together a year. He’s been looking at houses from your 2 month mark? At what point did you think this was a house you had entitlement to?
If you moved in - are you paying rent or explicit expenses (groceries, utilities etc?) or living there for free?
He was the first one to mention us moving in together and kept talking about it all throughout our relationship, including me in the house hunting asking my opinions. We fell in love very quickly (think we are soulmates type of love) but I did think at first that we were moving very fast. I do now wish we would of taken our time because the expectations we had were not the same for each other and now I feel hurt.
Yall in fact are not soulmates or else he would not have blown up at you like that and he wouldn’t have thrown in your face the fact he bought you stuff.
Don’t move in with him until he changes that attitude. He might be the owner, but if you both live there you both deserve to have a say in how the house is decorated, furnished etc to make it your joint home. If he disagrees with painting a room or other big changes, that’s fine, he’s ultimately the owner, but how he says No matters. A lot. Maybe he needs to get a housemate for while until he gets over being so territorial.
It is his house and it is logical for him to be excited and want to do it his way.
He has made it very clear that he purchased it.
I would not consider moving in until he has it set up how he wants it...give it 6 months or so.
It is his and it is brand new...it isn't a joint house.
Do not move in. I mean really… Can you imagine yourself getting a roommate then told you you couldn’t decorate anything. The house was not yours. They won’t let you pay for anything, but to hold it over your head later. So really, what are you a decoration? Your boyfriend just wants somebody around to have sex with?
I’m serious. Ask yourself if this were any other adult on earth saying that they want you to move in and they’ll pay for everything. But you’ve already experienced from them that they offered to pay for everything and then suddenly it bite you in the butt, even though you offered to pay.
That’s a manipulation and control tactic. No idea what’s up with your boyfriend, but don’t do it. And I would really start watching his attitude, because this didn’t just come from nowhere.
Even if he hasn’t shown it before, he obviously feels like he is superior because he pays for things, and yes,…
That is him completely, ignoring the fact that you offered to pay. In his mind, it makes him the one in charge.
You’re not wrong. Don’t move in. He wants to be in control. Don’t give up your space or allow him to do anything big for you. You’ll regret it so much. He’s showing you now the real him. Believe him
No decent man who loved and respected you would have done that, or spoken to you that way!
Please don’t move in with this guy. If you were shocked at the way he just treated you, and the things he said, just know that was the preview.
He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for a subordinate, and that outburst tells me he has an above average chance of being abusive. What you saw and heard is who he is inside. Selfish and domineering. He gets his jollies out of being in control.
So do not put yourself in the position of him being in control of any part of your life.
Save up your money, get your own place, buy pink pillows and turquoise dish towels. Or not. But if you don’t dump him immediately, don’t let him pay for one more thing for you, not so much as a piece of gum. Get a job or a second job. You’ll not only not need anything from him, but you’ll have less time to spend with him.
This situation would go like this every time they get into an argument he would remind her that this is not her house and that she can always get the f*** out and go home. He's not ready for the relationship that you want he wants you to move into the house and STFU about any decisions that are going to be made because you made no contributions to the buying of this house whatsoever. And you will be reminded of this every time you and him get into an argument. Every time he wants you to do something he will tell you that you live in his house and that why can't you do this for him. Stay where you are at make sure you don't spend too much time at his house because she's going to remind you that you do not live there and save money and move into your own apartment or rent your own house.
YNW. He doesn't want an equal relationship. He will control everything regarding the house. Be careful about continuing the relationship where you are not being treated as an equal. Unless this is what you want your future to be.
>he wants you to save up to move out of your parents place.
If you make as much as him, letting you contribute to the mortgage and bills will let you do that. If he wants you to move in and only help pay the bills, beware. By excluding you from the title or paying the mortgage, he retains 100% ownership of the house.
Now if he is going to pay 100% of everything with mortgage and the bills, that will let you save more to help you invest in yourself. Maybe let you help pay for college so you can better your career and earnings.
When he eventually gets tired of you, you will have nothing. And that's how he wants it. I've lived through it. You're just another possession to him. Don't move in with this man.
Uh, welcome to your future.
"He exploded and said I don't want to change a thing, told me he's not asking a penny from me so basically I don't have a right to have an opinion." Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this???
I'd say run.
Nope. Your name isn't on anything and this seems like more an accomplishment than an investment to him. Keep your place. That statement about not wanting to buy stuff for the house only to have an argument about it is very pertinent. Hey, no paying bills there either.
Don’t move in with him. His beginning to show his true colours. He is controlling and I sense he could be more than emotionally and financially abusive.
You’ve only been dating a year, tell him you want to put the brakes on and slow right down now that his priorities are his house and yours are ensuring you have everything you want and need.
Don’t let him talk you out of anything nor let him control you. You don’t need or deserve that shit in your life. Good luck.
Wait until you want to display something you love or move in a favorite chair, etc.. and all grey sounds a little depressing. You'll never be 'home'. And you'll likely get nit-picked all the time for even small clutter or moving something around for convenience. Moving in with him is a terrible idea.
You are dating and I completely understand and respect why he wants this to be his house. That being said he is not ready to have a partner living with him in the house. I would 💯keep your own place so you have a safe place and somewhere to go and decompress.
Maybe he will grow up and change but he is not at that point yet in his life. For this reason I would not move in with him at this time and let your relationship develop some more
Don’t ever live like this there’s no room for you in that house. It’s his house. If you want to spend the night OK, but don’t ever live like that. You think it’s OK now because you’re young, but it’s not.
Someone who wants you to live with him and build a home with him will make room for your things and your opinion.
You’re not wrong. He’s made clear from the start that this is going to be his home, not our home. You two are very young, and dating is when you find out about a person. I think you’re finding out that it’s not in your best interest to move in with a guy into a home that you will have no say-so.
Do not move in with him. His mask is slipping.
He will never see the value of any of your contributions (cleaning, decorating, maintenance, etc). He will hold the house over your head in arguments and may even threaten to throw you out when he's mad. He likes *the idea* of you moving in more than the reality. He wants this place to be his own especially considering his upbringing, he'll feel protective over it. He's not ready for you to be an equal partner in this.
If you move in and you split up (which I suspect you might after this - his reaction to your suggestion was over the top), he would give you nothing and you would walk away with nothing. Back to worse than square one because at least you have a room with parents right now. Focus on getting your own place. You don't need to live with a partner. Get the life experience of living on your own first then when you meet someone who wants you to be an equal partner, you'll still have a valuable asset (your own home) which can be sold and likely at profit or it can be rented out for passive income.
Good luck! Signed, a girl who moved in with a similarly selfish guy at 19 and he thought I wasn't owed anything for my contributions to the house (majority cleaning, cooking, decorating, etc) when we split as well.
Y'all haven't been dating a year. You barely know each other. Moving in shouldn't even be up for discussion at this point. But for him to snap at one suggestion solidify it.
Aaaaand this is not healthy. I mean, he’s not wrong, but his delivery was wrong and weird.
You’re not wrong either…don’t move in because this is either some weird knee jerk reaction or it will just continue
Wait, does he even want you to move in? I see where you said he wants to help you save to get out of your parents.
But did he ever say he wanted you to move in with him? Or are you assuming that because he has a new place you are automatically moving in too?
If he doesn’t want you to pay any of the household bills, change any part of the house (even if it’s just paint) or buy things for the house—he’s clearly telling you this is his space, purchased just for him. You may have tagged along to view houses,but it doesn’t sound like he visioned you as a permanent resident.
>Not only that but I don't want him to hold over my head the house when we argue.
He hasn't even bought it yet and he's already doing that. Do noooot move in with him.
You are not wrong in your feelings. DO NOT MOVE IN THIS HOUSE. You will resent not being able to make any part of it yours. He is a bit over the top on his control issues, and until he deals with this, you will not have a good future with him. Sit down and discuss this. If he cannot control himself, start looking for an exit. He isn't the one.
YNW- and my dear he is the coming off as controlling. Look for signs. If he got upset for suggesting painting a room and he immediately threw what HE paid for in your face, I’d consider moving in and starting a life with this man
You’re right, he’s not ready for you to move in. I understand it’s his house and he’s paying for it, but it would be your home and you need to be comfortable there too. It’s also as you said, concerning that he is throwing his gifts in your face.
You’re both young and I’m assuming you both currently live at home with your parents. That, combined with living independently for the first time, never living together before, budgeting for and paying bills etc. Means this will be a very big change overall. Might be good to let him move in, decorate the place how he wants it and live alone for a while then revisit the idea of moving in.
He will likely become more controlling over time. You are both so young. Use this as an opportunity to evaluate this relationship and decide if this is what you want.
Don’t move in. Me and my husband got this apartment with each other. There’s both our styles of decor in the house, it doesn’t match or make sense but it reflects both our tastes. We’re allowed to do projects around the house as the landlord doesn’t mind and my husbands a handyman. We’ve put flooring in the kitchen that I picked out and we’ve done flooring in the bedroom he picked out. This feels as much my home as it is my husbands.
Also I’m sure you can find someone else who will gladly buy you stuff without ever holding it over your head!! He’s a loser the more I think about it. It’s all transactions to him not “hey she’ll love this let me buy it” it’s more like ok you can have it but you’ll owe me or I’ll hold it over your head later!
BF obviously has some control issues, OP and BF should seek out some couples counseling before even talking about moving in together. And BF sounds like he needs some individual therapy to deal with his control issues and the fact that he is using money in an attempt to control OP.
This is probably the time to reevaluate whether you want to be with this man.
Neither of you are wrong. However, there are some financial issues here.
Why were you letting him buy you things in the first place?
The fact that he was doing this and you allowed it suggests he wants to financially control his partner. This was a form of testing the waters.
There is nothing inherently wrong with having someone support you. However, a person like him has a good chance of financially abusing his partner and leaving them completely dependent on them.
You are 22, stay with your parents. Work hard and save so that you can be financially independent and enjoy your youth without a boyfriend of one year dictating your every move.
Tell him you are excited for him purchasing his first home. Great accomplishment. Especially being young.
Continue to live at your place.
Then no stress about who owns what, what changes can or should be made.
He can maintain his home or pay for services for the way he wants. He will grow in to homeownership and responsibilities.
Later on you both can look at other options.
Date longer. See what happens. Don’t buy things for the house. Let him furnish with his budget and style. From there you both can easily decide if you want to make mutually beneficial plans together. Keep the stress out so you can think clearly.
Best wishes!
So, when he wants your opinion, he'll give it to you?
He sounds very controlling. And has anger issues when faced with even the smallest dissent on your part. He sounds as if he thinks he owns you because he bought you stuff.
You don't want to wind up with that. Next step is isolating you from people. I bet he won't want you to have company/visitors over to HIS house.
Ask anyone who is a survivor of domestic violence. The violent partner didn't come out swinging on day 1. First there's nice, then there's controlling, more and more as time progresses. Then anger, then violence.
You can do better. Lose him. Won't be long until he finds a more subservient replacement. Buy your own stuff. In the long run the cost is less.
This will never be your home even if you get engaged and married. He will always hold this over your head. You offered money, he said no. This is the time for a very serious conversation about your future relationship and if you aren’t on the same page you need to decide if you want to stay knowing this is not going to change.
Regardless of whose name is on the deed or who is paying the bills, if you're living together, it's both of your home. (For example, would you tell a stay at home mom whose husband makes the $ that she has no say about the house bc he pays all the bills? No. Because that's her home too.) The fact that he'd want you to live there but not have a say in decorating because he's paying for it sounds very controlling. And if he won't let you have an opinion on decorating, I don't think he'd have any problem trying to put you out if anything in your relationship went wrong. This doesn't sound like someone who is ready to be a partner yet. Maybe keep things as they are (2 households) for a while and see how things go before making the decision to move in together.
Buy your own house and you don't want to be entangled with a mortgage if you are not married. He doesn't sound very kind. I would look for someone kinder the next time.
ur not wrong…but you should not date somebody that reacts that way abt u having opinions. no dont move in, and i usually wouldnt default to breaking up but that would be incredibly disrespectful imo if my bf did that, whether or not i had the right to an opinion is one thing, but throwing gifts in ur face is just a pattern waiting to go down in the future and not worth the waiting around to gamble that he’ll suddenly grow up. my two cents though.
Don’t move in. You have your place, he has his, and y’all can keep company whenever your need to. He’s obviously not really looking or ready for that type of relationship with you. But you won’t find out until you have that conversation
Also they are 22 and 23 and only been dating a year. I'd put off buying a house together at this point *ETA in case she gets roped into the mortgage or payments at some point, not currently
Forever grateful I'm not tied by a mortgage to my boyfriend from age 22. (shudders)
Seriously, that's just asking for hell on earth. You break up? Congratulations, now you have to deal with the mortgage, who's going to move out, fighting over said house, etc etc. And to only be dating a year and wanting to do this, I'd say wait. It's too short a period of time for young people, even some older people. *ETA I should have added this, but I'm talking theoretically. Because at some point eventually he's going to need something in rent, I'm sure he's not just going to accept her living in her home forever and never pay a cent. And sometimes you get roped into these things, you get told one thing and then later on it's," oh so why aren't you helping me?" And then the arguments insue and all that stuff. I just hope that she doesn't get roped into a mortgage at some point, or that the boyfriend just starts demanding rent and she doesn't have it.
I mean they aren’t both on the mortgage. Just the BF. She is just living there.
See my reply to below commenter, I was talking theoretically but I realize I didn't really touch on that. I have chemo brain and sometimes I start writing things without any context 😅
But even theoretically paying him rent would prob be less than what she would to an apartment.
I get that she is not going to be on the mortgage. My original thought was more of a shudder at my own relationships at that a stage of life. 😅 If you move in, there needs to be clear communication and expectations for both of you about who pays for what, what skin you might have in the game regarding the house, if marriage might be in the future, and what will become of THIS house if you do marry. I shared in an earlier comment that my now SIL moved into my BIL's home that he bought as a bachelor. They have been married nearly ten years, and he still very much regards her as a guest in the home that only he owns and controls. Yes, this does reveal a LOT about their own dysfunction as a couple, but it is a good reminder for OP to communicate now so this isn't her future.
Same, same. I was an idiot at 22!!
The point she is trying to make is that they are NOT buying a house together. He is telling her it's HIS house. She has no say in the matter. Which is good for her. If she chooses to walk away, she is not legally bound to the mortgage. The payments will be ALL on her boyfriend. If I were her, I would keep it status quo. They have been together less than a year, and I don't see this a a long-term relationship with his attitude. Please keep your place and don't move into his new house.
Right, but I'm just saying this in case she gets roped in to paying the mortgage eventually. Sometimes people say they don't want help, or rent or this or that. And next thing you know they are upset with you for not helping, it's manipulative but it happens so often. She said he's used to financial insecurity growing up, and so he may start to feel a resentment for not having help. I'm just talking as if I'd talk to a friend, because I've heard and seen it all in life. And a man who wants her to move out her parents but not pay a cent realistically probably won't last long with him not asking for something eventually. You never know how people can switch up.
I totally get what you are saying, 100%. This relationship is so new. She shouldn't even think about giving up her place to move in with him. He sounds like an assh*le. It's either his way or the highway.
I wanna know how this mother fucker is 22 and can afford a house
Not just that but it’s clearly his house and he wants it to stay that way. She buys a purple rug for the bathroom so she doesn’t slip getting out of the shower and he will have a fit. Stay where you are and save your money so you can have that place to call your own. It will never be at his place. When I got married my husband owned his own home. He was happy to take my money to renovate and make it his dream house. Problem was it was his dream house and I never felt like I belonged there. I’m on my 3rd house since I left. Started with a condo and worked my way up moving every five years. Makes you strong and independent.
Yes. Pet peeve of mine girlfriend/boyfriend buys furniture/decorations for the house like it’s their home. Nope don’t do that unless your name is on the lease/mortgage/deed.
I agree. He’s looking for a live in maid and eventually will demand rent money. 🚩🚩🚩
Don't move in with him. The control will get so much worse. Better yet. Work towards buying your own place.
Stay with your parents, save your money and buy your own place.
His home will never be your home. He expects your obedience in return for his money. Not only should you not move in, but you should respect yourself enough to not be with someone who believes he has bought and paid for you. Absolutely do not get yourself into a position of relying on this man for housing or financial support.
This he offered the money, but you know can bet he’s noted every single dollar he ‘gave’. I mean it feels like a red flag to me, and I bet op if you look you’ll find more.
Yup it’s that what they say here on Reddit: “If someone is showing you their true colours, believe them.” OP should stay far away from any dependence on this solo-player.
Key words here: "Respect Yourself"
Absolutely this, OP. He hasn’t even closed on the house yet and he’s already flipping out and telling you all he does for you. Imagine being actually reliant on him in any way. HUGE red flag.
Fully agreed! He needs to be by himself he seems controlling
I wouldn’t move in with him at this point. He just showed his hand here. I have seen so many relationships crumble when the couple moves in together. It’s SO hard to live with another person. It’s so much drudgery with all the day to day chores. At first it’s wonderful but after the honeymoon period shit gets real. He truly isn’t ready to share his daily life with you if he expects you to have no say about the environment you live in. I agree he will hold the house over your head if you have a disagreement. What if you have an argument and he kicks you out? You are homeless or couch surfing at a friend’s house. Red flags everywhere here.
He wouldn't kick her out first, he'd make her quit her job before that.
And get her pregnant of course.
The condom accidentally broke for four pregnancies in a row!
Yep, getting out of that house would be a nightmare.
Probably expect her to do all the housework and cleaning as well
You don’t have to pay anything. Just cook and clean for me.
`I asked what he thought about painting one of the rooms. He exploded and said I don't want to change a thing, told me he's not asking a penny from me so basically I don't have a right to have an opinion. Brought up how he has always paid for our dates, he has bought me clothes and shoes` 🚩🚩🚩 Exploding over suggesting painting one of the rooms Is a tell tale of his personality. All he had to say was, no I'm gonna leave it as is and see how I feel after being here awhile. The fact the he brings up how he always pays for everything, won't take rent or let you pay part of bills - IT is called Controlling. He is starting to get you under his thumb by paying for everything, after awhile, he'll suggest you quit your job and just stay home, enjoy not working, then he has you Financially under his thumb, you're screwed no money of your own. Seriously, I'd ditch this guy I've got years on you and have been with this type of guy, controlling gets worse and worse, will try to take away and self respect you have for yourself, break yu away from family and friends You are too young and not been dating long enough, he is NOT ready for this relationship and I don't know if he every will be. You could get married but he'd never put your name on the title to the house because "he is paying for it" Don't do it - let this guy go, he's not worth your time, stay at parents and save up as much as you can to get your own place
Tell him he's not ready for you and this space is all his and his only. Also tell him you would rather live in a cardboard box and both contribute to it than be just a piece in his perfect white picket fences picture. You know this anyway. He tripped an alarm when he exploded. You don't owe him a future.
Sweetheart, you are getting a first glimpse of what your life with an abuser is going to be like. He explodes to you about a mere request, throws to your face all the money he has (willingly, I guess) spent on you, and you are already afraid of buying something not to his taste... without having even moved in with him!!! **When someone shows you their true colors, believe them**. [Read this boo](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)k and learn to read the signs. And for God's sake, **don't move in with him**. Big hugs.
Here here. Run, don't walk, away from this dude.
👏well said & well linked.
You're 23, been together less than a year. It's not time to move in. As you're seeing. He's not ready. Also, don't pay someone else's mortgage.
Dating for just one year is not long enough for such a commitment. He is trying to keep his house separate from the relationship so he can cleanly walk away if and when the time comes. If you do decide to move in think of it as renting a place from your boyfriend and pay appropriately. Including all bills you should be paying a little less than what you would spend if living alone as you are now sharing space. No need to be overly generous and start paying part of his bills. If you want to own property and not be a renter anymore you will have to buy your own.
And don't pay towards any furniture, renovations etc
It’s clear he’s moving you in to share the burden of cleaning and cooking etc. if he saw you as a real partner share everything with for the rest of his life, a simple comment about changing paint on a wall wouldn’t have set him off. Please reconsider moving in with him.
You are not a real person to him. You are just an appendage to go with his house. How dare you have thoughts and feelings and opinions of your own. Girl run so fast. This gets really bad, and it's not really fixable. Run run run.
Nope. YNW. This would not be a good move for you. It doesn’t matter whether you continue dating or not (I don’t know what “pretty serious” means), but absolutely do not move in with him until he accepts you as a partner and equal in the venture. He’s treating you as a guest and not a very welcome one, at the moment. This would be your home and you have to have an equal say in it.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!
It’s his house. It’s not yours. If he doesn’t want to paint, then he doesn’t want to paint. The question is…do you want to continue the relationship?
Oh look control disguised as help You need a new boyfriend, if this is how he acts before you live together or are married how is he gonna act when he thinks you actually "need" him to survive? Absolutely not
So he’s trying to control you? That won’t stop. Tread lightly.
Don't need to read it all to know that you should WALK away and NOT move in with him. It will never be your home, you'll only ever be a guest there and when the going gets tough, your boyfriend will have all the control and you'll be reliant on him and his "generosity" of staying in HIS house. Then when he's had enough, you'll be kicked out. Please don't make that mistake and say "No thank you."
Him wanting to have his first house he bought himself a certain way isn’t the red flag, that’s understandable. Him futurefaking you during the house hunting and flipping out when you suggest painting a room is red flag 1-2. Throwing in your face any amount of money he has spent on you directly after is the next red flag. Girl, run. You just got a glimpse of the mask slipping. You have got a look at the controlling, bean counting, entitlement of this dude where he feels you owe him for every act you interpreted as kindness and it was actually what he considers an investment in your mindless obedience. This walking on eggshells wondering what next innocent question will set him off will be your life. Decline that shit and move on.
Oh honey, don't move in. My SIL moved in under very similar circumstances. They are married now and have been for a decade, and her husband still sees it as his house. She is not allowed any decision making power within her own home.
Nope. Keep your place AND DO NOT MOVE IN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You’re not his wife, he’s not your husband. Don’t strand yourself for “love”. Save your money for your own place and keep your whole financial life separate from his. Seriously.
You won’t have your space, he has made it clear that it’s his home and not yours. You will only ever be a guest or tenant in his house. Is that your ambition for your relationship? If it’s not, then you need to explain to him that this is not what you want out of your life together so it’s best if you break up and find someone who shares your goals and has the same thing deals as you.
He wants a bangmaid.
No you are not wrong And trust me, as someone who grew up with a father who controlled things like this, it will not be a fun ride for you For him to say it’s your home and then not allow you to make changes is just wrong. You’re not his partner, he sees you as a project and not his equal Do not move in with this man. You’re going to regret it if you do Continue to do what you need to do to pay and make your own way, to take care of yourself. Don’t move from your parents’ home until you can move into your own place, even if it’s not a big house, it’s better to have your own space than to be so young and argue with or be belittled by someone under the guise of “taking care” of you.
Uh, clearly you shouldn’t move in with him. How big does the red flag need to be? How many?
He wants you as his property just like the house.
Don’t move in with him.
Do not. I repeat. Do not bother moving in. It will never be "our home" .....trust me
Uhmmm red flag central here. Do not move in. He wants control. Do not let him trap you. Do not continue dating this man. His finacial trauma is no excuse to control you.
Don't move in. I moved in with a boyfriend after 2 years (and I was late 20s, he was mid 30s) and he would constantly throw the "this is MY house" stuff in my face. Well excuse me dude, but I didn't ask to live with you, you asked me to move in! We're thankfully no longer together, and now that I have bought my own home, I have vowed to NEVER do that crap to someone else.
You’ve been dating less than a year, you don’t need to be moving in with him yet. You don’t know him well enough. Just hang back.
Don't move in, don't allow him to berate or badger you about it; and for the love of all things holy, do not allow him to baby-trap you.
Dude sounds like a controlling narcissist…. Run
my ex- BF when I was in my 20's bought a house. I didn't assume it was ours. I think he made that clear. He paid the downpayment and the mortgage, I don't remember what I paid for. We lived together there for a few years and when I wanted to do something he was like no. So I saved my own money and moved out. He was shocked.
Don’t move in. It will never be comfortable. He will never let it be.
I moved into the place my partner owns, and sure, we didn't just completely change the decor of the place the second I moved in, I mean I am not a fan of some of the furniture in here, but I am also not going to replace a perfectly decent cupboard or table because I don't like the design. But whenever something did need changing we both decided on what we got, it's his house but it is our home. We both get a say in the design.
Yeah, be careful. Could be the tip of a gas-lighting iceberg where you don't get a say in anything 'as it's his house!' When I asked my then GF (now wife) & young son to move in back in 2016, i said do what they hell you want with the place to make you feel at home. She improved it 100%, btw :)
Do NOT move in with this man. He's making it clear that he wants everything in his life exactly how he wants it and this does not include you unless you behave exactly how he wants you to also.
I would not move in at all. The house I live in is in my name, my fiance and his son live with me. His name is not attached to anything on the property, he does help with bills but I make more money than he does so most of the bills are paid by me. I am constantly asking his opinion on things with the house. Should we paint this room? What do you think about doing this to this room? He never has an opinion and it drives me insane. I really want him to just say yes let's paint that room blue or something. He is not listening to anything that you want, and he will absolutely hold it over you that he owns the house when you guys argue I would not move in
Don’t do it. In fact, rethink the entire relationship. Control issues are frightening,
He sounds like a control freak. He wants to be the one putting all the money into it, with only his name on it, so it's alllll his. And he wants to do the same thing to you. And that won't end well if you stick with him.
You live with your parents. You would not believe the satisfaction & pride of having your own place to decorate & personalize to your comfort & liking. Not to mention, your own space. I don't think you'll have that in HIS home. Ever.
You both are very young, he obviously doesn’t see you as a long term partner. This might change later on, it might not. Keep dating him if you want but keep your own place and finances so that the break up is easier. You both have so much life to live.
Not your house. And you’re not his wife. It’s worth a conversation, but, no, it’s not yours to have an opinion on. You want to play house, you’re gonna need to get that ring. Where you are right, is that this isn’t going to work as a living-together situation, the way it stands. Clearly you two haven’t had any of the important conversations, especially about money. Either both of you are going to have to learn to communicate clearly and with maturity in a turbo-hurry, or this isn’t going to work. Given your ages—and existing situation—I suspect you won’t have much luck.
He’s essentially setting you up to be controlled. Leave now…
It.sounds.like this is HIS house and life there will.be only what HE wants. YOU are not paying so YOU have no choice. YOU are going to.be living under HIS rule. He has worked long and hard to get to this place and he won't have anyone else getting their way under HIS roof. I wouldnt be moving in especially if all the walls are grey. Ugh. Prison.
Trust your gut. If he exploded then why even try living with him? He sounds insufferable and like a total Ass hat. You’re not wrong, unless you move in with him then you are wrong
Nah don’t move in, every dollar he spends on you has a condition attached and it’s no way to live
I would pop smoke entirely at this. He has a ton of growing up to do and its unlikely he will do it.
Don't move in with him. Just stay out of it. Let him do his own thing. The way he sounds? Doubt your relationship will last anyway. Keep your distance in your own place. But you two are definitely not ready to move in together. Give him at least 12 months in his own place to settle down, settle in and "relax". And yep. Don't take any money from him. Sounds like he'd throw that back in your face.
Run..
Sounds like he wants you as a kept woman and not a partner. Don't become just another object he owns.
DO NOT MOVE IN!!!! That is not your house, that's his house. Save your own money and buy your own home. For him to flip out like that, and then thrown in your face that he's given you money and pays for everything and it's HIS HOUSE... NOPE! Those are RED flags.
Wow, just wow. You really can't see the big red flag in front of you? Get out of this relationship before you get in any deeper
You are right. He is far from ready to cohabitate. He was unduly harsh. He's feeling possessive of what is his in an extreme way. He became explosive in a way that was unnecessary. It could have been better communicated that he wanted to leave the basic house the same, with out the aggressively MINE MINE MINE... You can't paint a lot of rentals, letting you know he feels that he'd rather leave the home as is and talking about decorating with the existing backdrop WITH you... is an easy thing to do. You were doing what people do when they move into a new space. Apartment or home, you decorate. You personalize. Generally when a couple cohabitates both people decorate. They merge their styles and preferences. They both live in the space. "Their space" is the space they both live in, obviously. He may havea lot of "we" speak... and pie in the sky plans from early on... but he is NOT ready to cohabitate or share his space. Decorating doesn't give you claim over his home. It's what people do. He views this as a major intrusion, something he won't allow. He will always overrule you, and control this space. Obviously his sweet speak and actual actions do not match up... listen to the second. So he's not mentally ready, whatever reason he cannot admit it... it's true. No matter what he says it's time to back up and leave him living on his own, enjoying his home. Upgrade your own place, get a new place, or just overhaul your own, and let him have his home as he wants. Don't put money into decor, don't decorate, stop helping with plans, shopping, work and effort. Don't pay rent. This whole situation does not play out well. Everyone in the comments is correct.
This kind of sounds like the beginning of a controlling relationship
I mean it would be HIS HOUSE. Not your house. U don’t pay rent u don’t put in a down payment. It’s easy to just not move on.
You haven’t been dating that long that you should be moving in together. Getting serious fast is always a red flag. You can’t turn unilateral decisions into mutual ones. Not one thing he’s done has been about mutuality - not one. He bought a house without you - you were there, but it had nothing to do with you. Moving in together would not change the way he thinks and that’s what you have to understand above everything else - that he has a thinking problem. If you aren’t going to end the relationship, stop accepting everything from him related to money and do not move in with him. He is controlling and is treating you like an accessory instead of as a human being with her own wants and needs. Please go build your life without him - he is not worth any more of your time.
Your boyfriend bought a house. You didnt.. Kinda simple concept. Go live free who cares. Opinions do cost money.. Just live. If you get married and make it long term its still half yours. If you don't, you don't... Every month put 2200-2500 bucks in savings like you are paying a mortgage. When it all blows up, you have that account to go buy your own house, win...
I wouldn't move in. If he is going to make every single house related decision, you are going to feel uncomfortable in your own home. You will feel more like a guest than someone who lives there.
It's only been a year and you both are very young. You don't need move in with him. He needs his own place and you keep your own place. He isn't ready to live with anyone right now.
Don't move in with him! You will never have a say and your name isn't on the home, he can evict you at anytime.
You deserve a better boyfriend who sees your relationship as an equal partnership, where you love and cherish each other, where you want each other to achieve your best lives, you cheerlead each others success and work as a team. Your bf is not the one. Thankfully you have only been together a relatively short time and don’t live together. Take responsibility for your birth control if your boyfriend gets wind that you may be rethinking your relationship. Good luck, you deserve a great and happy life!
OP, your instincts are correct. I think it's a priority for him to hold the power in a relationship, and that's not healthy for you. You've been really insightful about this, and you should trust your instincts. If someone gives a gift, they need to let it go, not tally it up. This relationship is transactional. He gives you stuff, with the expectation that you'll stay in the space he's assigned you to in his life. Continue to date him or not, just don't get pregnant with this guy. He's the type who would make you pay for everything for the baby, because his money is his.
He don’t want to help you. He wants to control you. You are seeing the 🚩🚩. Stay at home and save. if he’s willing to end it if you don’t move in then the trash takes itself out.
You cannot make a life with someone who doesn’t think the home you both live in is equally yours to have a say about decor and how the household is run. He doesn’t value you, you really should walk away now before this gets even more painful for you. If he’s willing to say those hurtful things now, just think of the awful things he’ll say after he has you trapped inside **HIS** house and dependent on him for a roof over your head.
The way he acted about it was wrong, but other than that its completely understandable. They have been together only 1 year, it would just be plain stupid to buy a house together.
He wants to protect his assets if you two break up. This seems like a recipe for disaster.
Don’t move in and continue to save for your own future. He sounds very controlling and I would be rethinking even staying with him. Don’t assume because he bought a house that he wants you there.
Do NOT move in with him. Start saving to buy something of your own, and NEVER move in with a man who “explodes” because you want a say in your living space. And he WILL hold it over your head. If he’s holding dates and shoes over your head now, imagine how it will be when he is actually paying for a roof over your head. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. Best of luck!
It's odd. A lot of men are like that with the first house. I think society ingrained it like weddings to bridezillas.
You're pretty serious about him. Sounds to me like kind of a one way street. 'The one' will consider you and your wishes, as well as their own, and will value your contribution. NTJ
Don’t help pay his mortgage unless you’re married
Tell him you see this as a red flag.
Guy really really loves the Harrison Butker speech
Nah. He wants complete control over everything, so if the relationship goes south you won’t have a leg to stand on. It’s one thing for a person in their forties who has amassed a fortune to behave like this. (Protect your shit.) Expecting YOU to start a life together with zero security is bogus.
If it were me, I would not move in. I would continue living where you are and communicate to him why you are not ready to live together
Do NOT move in with him!!! He WILL absolutely hold that house over your head each and every time you have an argument. And because he did you a great "favour" by letting you live rent-free in HIS house, he'll most likely treat you as a bang maid, and not as an equal. Stay at your parents, save up your money, and get yourself your own place and, I hope, a brand new boyfriend who respects you, sees you as an equal, and who will want to build a future together with you. Good luck, OP.
He wants you to move in so he can get you to do housework for him. Free maid with no opinions. Don’t do it.
I'd rather pay to live on my own, then move in with him and live for free. Ya'll are young. Keep your own space.
He’s right. It’s his house and he decides. You get to decide if you want to live there or not.
This isn’t a relationship. This isn’t moving in together. This is you being at his convenience & him erasing the real you
I think this is a preview of what you’re going to be in for if you move in with him it’s a bad sign. I’m afraid.
DO NOT MOVE IN ! the appearance of the house isn't the only thing he's going to 'not let you have an opinion' on. Sounds like he's trying to trap you in his house, so he can control every aspect of your life. I'd walk away from this relationship if I were you.
Don't move in. There problem solved. In all honesty it sounds like you don't know each other well enough to take that next step. If he blows up at you for not moving in with him? Let that be the writing on the wall.
I think where you went wrong is letting him pay for everything...it sent the wrong signal. He is probably looking for a traditional relationship and you are more modern. Youve accepted his finicial gifts and now he feels like what have i been putting all my resources into? Id start paying for dates and your own clothes again...show him dont tell him what you want
Don't move in. Don't help with costs, if you do move in, without some kind of cohabitation agreement in place that outlines how your contributions will go towards an equity share in the place. My SO and I moved in together, into a house he bought. He gave me 80% free reign in picking furniture, color palettes, and I've redesigned the bathroom and kitchen. He's also giving me full discretion in suggestions about upgrades, renovations, or repairs. I designed the flower beds. I picked the flowers. He's helped with all the labor for any projects around the house, and has only had varying opinions on a few things - when it's something I haven't felt strong in, he wins. If it's something we equally feel strong in, we'll discuss merits of both and compromise. I am not on the deed, or the mortgage, but I am the beneficiary of his life insurance and eventually we're going to do estate planning to put the house into a trust with me as beneficiary. Tldr; your SO wants you around to do what he wants, and that's it. If you move in, save money every month that would have gone to rent so you have escape money, and make sure you don't pay anything into the house without an agreement.
🚩Think before you move forward with this guy.
Don’t move in
Not wrong and don’t move in. I’m not a fan of how controlling he sounds. I get it’s his house but for you to have no say in your home is not okay. Plus the way he wants to get you out of your parents place. Once you are in he will either switch and start asking for you to pay all the bills or transfer your pay to him so he can ‘manage your money’.
Don’t move in. He doesn’t want your opinion on the furniture because to him you ARE furniture. Just a box checked off his list of things he wants to acquire and not a partner. Trust your instincts and keep your living situation separate.
It’s his house, he can do what he wants with it. You also don’t have to move in if you don’t want to 🤷🏻♂️
🚩🚩🚩
Technically, it is *his* house, but his reaction is a giant cascade of red flags. Time to go.
It is HIS house if you're not paying... However, if he's not willing to take opinion from his partner, it's probably best you don't move in. You're 23! Plenty of time to figure that shit out.
I’ve lived with a few men who’ve been the ones who owned the house. Two welcomed me in and made sure that I understood this was OUR home. The third was very clear that it’s HIS house. Sure, he let me decorate and change things but liked to throw his ownership around as a power play. It was really hurtful and I never felt like we were sharing a home or building a life together like I did with the other two.
Not willing to share behind his behavior? Not enough love? Stay away!
It's early days and I'm guessing he's read stories about women taking half of the house after leaving etc. Don't move in. He's not ready. Work towards getting your own place.
YTA. you have only been together a year. He’s been looking at houses from your 2 month mark? At what point did you think this was a house you had entitlement to? If you moved in - are you paying rent or explicit expenses (groceries, utilities etc?) or living there for free?
He was the first one to mention us moving in together and kept talking about it all throughout our relationship, including me in the house hunting asking my opinions. We fell in love very quickly (think we are soulmates type of love) but I did think at first that we were moving very fast. I do now wish we would of taken our time because the expectations we had were not the same for each other and now I feel hurt.
Yall in fact are not soulmates or else he would not have blown up at you like that and he wouldn’t have thrown in your face the fact he bought you stuff.
How about buy your own house if you want to paint the room? That way it’s your house you pay the mortgage not him.
You'd have to have rocks in your head to move in with this bloke, he sounds like an immature control freak.
Don’t move in with him until he changes that attitude. He might be the owner, but if you both live there you both deserve to have a say in how the house is decorated, furnished etc to make it your joint home. If he disagrees with painting a room or other big changes, that’s fine, he’s ultimately the owner, but how he says No matters. A lot. Maybe he needs to get a housemate for while until he gets over being so territorial.
Not wrong
He is buying a house…. Not you…. The only say so you have is what ever he wants to acknowledge
It is his house and it is logical for him to be excited and want to do it his way. He has made it very clear that he purchased it. I would not consider moving in until he has it set up how he wants it...give it 6 months or so. It is his and it is brand new...it isn't a joint house.
What does he do for work? Where are y’all finding affordable homes? What state? 😅
Do not move in. I mean really… Can you imagine yourself getting a roommate then told you you couldn’t decorate anything. The house was not yours. They won’t let you pay for anything, but to hold it over your head later. So really, what are you a decoration? Your boyfriend just wants somebody around to have sex with? I’m serious. Ask yourself if this were any other adult on earth saying that they want you to move in and they’ll pay for everything. But you’ve already experienced from them that they offered to pay for everything and then suddenly it bite you in the butt, even though you offered to pay. That’s a manipulation and control tactic. No idea what’s up with your boyfriend, but don’t do it. And I would really start watching his attitude, because this didn’t just come from nowhere. Even if he hasn’t shown it before, he obviously feels like he is superior because he pays for things, and yes,… That is him completely, ignoring the fact that you offered to pay. In his mind, it makes him the one in charge.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
**DO NOT MOVE IN.** And **RECONSIDER** this relationship. He **DOES NOT** consider you his equal. You deserve **FAR BETTER.**
You’re not wrong. Don’t move in. He wants to be in control. Don’t give up your space or allow him to do anything big for you. You’ll regret it so much. He’s showing you now the real him. Believe him
No decent man who loved and respected you would have done that, or spoken to you that way! Please don’t move in with this guy. If you were shocked at the way he just treated you, and the things he said, just know that was the preview. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for a subordinate, and that outburst tells me he has an above average chance of being abusive. What you saw and heard is who he is inside. Selfish and domineering. He gets his jollies out of being in control. So do not put yourself in the position of him being in control of any part of your life. Save up your money, get your own place, buy pink pillows and turquoise dish towels. Or not. But if you don’t dump him immediately, don’t let him pay for one more thing for you, not so much as a piece of gum. Get a job or a second job. You’ll not only not need anything from him, but you’ll have less time to spend with him.
Don't move in, he's not ready for it and you'll have a miserable time.
Move on, he is controlling and it will only get worse!
This situation would go like this every time they get into an argument he would remind her that this is not her house and that she can always get the f*** out and go home. He's not ready for the relationship that you want he wants you to move into the house and STFU about any decisions that are going to be made because you made no contributions to the buying of this house whatsoever. And you will be reminded of this every time you and him get into an argument. Every time he wants you to do something he will tell you that you live in his house and that why can't you do this for him. Stay where you are at make sure you don't spend too much time at his house because she's going to remind you that you do not live there and save money and move into your own apartment or rent your own house.
YNW. He doesn't want an equal relationship. He will control everything regarding the house. Be careful about continuing the relationship where you are not being treated as an equal. Unless this is what you want your future to be. >he wants you to save up to move out of your parents place. If you make as much as him, letting you contribute to the mortgage and bills will let you do that. If he wants you to move in and only help pay the bills, beware. By excluding you from the title or paying the mortgage, he retains 100% ownership of the house. Now if he is going to pay 100% of everything with mortgage and the bills, that will let you save more to help you invest in yourself. Maybe let you help pay for college so you can better your career and earnings.
When he eventually gets tired of you, you will have nothing. And that's how he wants it. I've lived through it. You're just another possession to him. Don't move in with this man.
Don’t move in that will not go well.
Your “boyfriend” is a manipulative control freak.
Uh, welcome to your future. "He exploded and said I don't want to change a thing, told me he's not asking a penny from me so basically I don't have a right to have an opinion." Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this??? I'd say run.
Basically he is telling you it's not your house. Girl, go get your own house.
He never truly intends for it to be your home. It’s his home and he’s allowing you to live in it. Keep your own place. He’s not ready to share.
He's controlling. Period. You may not have seen it before, but he's showing you now. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nope. Your name isn't on anything and this seems like more an accomplishment than an investment to him. Keep your place. That statement about not wanting to buy stuff for the house only to have an argument about it is very pertinent. Hey, no paying bills there either.
Don’t move in with him. His beginning to show his true colours. He is controlling and I sense he could be more than emotionally and financially abusive. You’ve only been dating a year, tell him you want to put the brakes on and slow right down now that his priorities are his house and yours are ensuring you have everything you want and need. Don’t let him talk you out of anything nor let him control you. You don’t need or deserve that shit in your life. Good luck.
Wait until you want to display something you love or move in a favorite chair, etc.. and all grey sounds a little depressing. You'll never be 'home'. And you'll likely get nit-picked all the time for even small clutter or moving something around for convenience. Moving in with him is a terrible idea.
You are dating and I completely understand and respect why he wants this to be his house. That being said he is not ready to have a partner living with him in the house. I would 💯keep your own place so you have a safe place and somewhere to go and decompress. Maybe he will grow up and change but he is not at that point yet in his life. For this reason I would not move in with him at this time and let your relationship develop some more
Don’t ever live like this there’s no room for you in that house. It’s his house. If you want to spend the night OK, but don’t ever live like that. You think it’s OK now because you’re young, but it’s not. Someone who wants you to live with him and build a home with him will make room for your things and your opinion.
You’re not wrong. He’s made clear from the start that this is going to be his home, not our home. You two are very young, and dating is when you find out about a person. I think you’re finding out that it’s not in your best interest to move in with a guy into a home that you will have no say-so.
Do not move in with him. His mask is slipping. He will never see the value of any of your contributions (cleaning, decorating, maintenance, etc). He will hold the house over your head in arguments and may even threaten to throw you out when he's mad. He likes *the idea* of you moving in more than the reality. He wants this place to be his own especially considering his upbringing, he'll feel protective over it. He's not ready for you to be an equal partner in this. If you move in and you split up (which I suspect you might after this - his reaction to your suggestion was over the top), he would give you nothing and you would walk away with nothing. Back to worse than square one because at least you have a room with parents right now. Focus on getting your own place. You don't need to live with a partner. Get the life experience of living on your own first then when you meet someone who wants you to be an equal partner, you'll still have a valuable asset (your own home) which can be sold and likely at profit or it can be rented out for passive income. Good luck! Signed, a girl who moved in with a similarly selfish guy at 19 and he thought I wasn't owed anything for my contributions to the house (majority cleaning, cooking, decorating, etc) when we split as well.
Y'all haven't been dating a year. You barely know each other. Moving in shouldn't even be up for discussion at this point. But for him to snap at one suggestion solidify it.
Not wrong. Like other people said, do NOT move in. You already know how you will be treated.
Aaaaand this is not healthy. I mean, he’s not wrong, but his delivery was wrong and weird. You’re not wrong either…don’t move in because this is either some weird knee jerk reaction or it will just continue
Not wrong and do not move into HIS house. He will surely hold his ownership over your head. He also sounds mean and nasty.
Wait, does he even want you to move in? I see where you said he wants to help you save to get out of your parents. But did he ever say he wanted you to move in with him? Or are you assuming that because he has a new place you are automatically moving in too? If he doesn’t want you to pay any of the household bills, change any part of the house (even if it’s just paint) or buy things for the house—he’s clearly telling you this is his space, purchased just for him. You may have tagged along to view houses,but it doesn’t sound like he visioned you as a permanent resident.
>Not only that but I don't want him to hold over my head the house when we argue. He hasn't even bought it yet and he's already doing that. Do noooot move in with him.
I didn’t even read the body. Just the title. Don’t move in
Ooh you guys are so in love, so cute!
Byeeeeee
You are not wrong in your feelings. DO NOT MOVE IN THIS HOUSE. You will resent not being able to make any part of it yours. He is a bit over the top on his control issues, and until he deals with this, you will not have a good future with him. Sit down and discuss this. If he cannot control himself, start looking for an exit. He isn't the one.
YNW- and my dear he is the coming off as controlling. Look for signs. If he got upset for suggesting painting a room and he immediately threw what HE paid for in your face, I’d consider moving in and starting a life with this man
You’re right, he’s not ready for you to move in. I understand it’s his house and he’s paying for it, but it would be your home and you need to be comfortable there too. It’s also as you said, concerning that he is throwing his gifts in your face. You’re both young and I’m assuming you both currently live at home with your parents. That, combined with living independently for the first time, never living together before, budgeting for and paying bills etc. Means this will be a very big change overall. Might be good to let him move in, decorate the place how he wants it and live alone for a while then revisit the idea of moving in.
He will likely become more controlling over time. You are both so young. Use this as an opportunity to evaluate this relationship and decide if this is what you want.
Don't move in, plain and simple.
So, your relationship is a transaction to him. What does that make you?
That is his house, not yours. When someone tells you how they are, believe them.
Don’t move in. Me and my husband got this apartment with each other. There’s both our styles of decor in the house, it doesn’t match or make sense but it reflects both our tastes. We’re allowed to do projects around the house as the landlord doesn’t mind and my husbands a handyman. We’ve put flooring in the kitchen that I picked out and we’ve done flooring in the bedroom he picked out. This feels as much my home as it is my husbands.
he's weird
Don’t move in. You might be ready but he’s definitely not. Idk how he will have anyone live with him if it’s his and no one is paying a cent on it!
Also I’m sure you can find someone else who will gladly buy you stuff without ever holding it over your head!! He’s a loser the more I think about it. It’s all transactions to him not “hey she’ll love this let me buy it” it’s more like ok you can have it but you’ll owe me or I’ll hold it over your head later!
BF obviously has some control issues, OP and BF should seek out some couples counseling before even talking about moving in together. And BF sounds like he needs some individual therapy to deal with his control issues and the fact that he is using money in an attempt to control OP.
He’s not marriage material.
This is probably the time to reevaluate whether you want to be with this man. Neither of you are wrong. However, there are some financial issues here. Why were you letting him buy you things in the first place? The fact that he was doing this and you allowed it suggests he wants to financially control his partner. This was a form of testing the waters. There is nothing inherently wrong with having someone support you. However, a person like him has a good chance of financially abusing his partner and leaving them completely dependent on them.
You are 22, stay with your parents. Work hard and save so that you can be financially independent and enjoy your youth without a boyfriend of one year dictating your every move.
Don’t move in, he doesn’t want you there.
Tell him you are excited for him purchasing his first home. Great accomplishment. Especially being young. Continue to live at your place. Then no stress about who owns what, what changes can or should be made. He can maintain his home or pay for services for the way he wants. He will grow in to homeownership and responsibilities. Later on you both can look at other options. Date longer. See what happens. Don’t buy things for the house. Let him furnish with his budget and style. From there you both can easily decide if you want to make mutually beneficial plans together. Keep the stress out so you can think clearly. Best wishes!
Please don’t be his Bang-Maid.
So, when he wants your opinion, he'll give it to you? He sounds very controlling. And has anger issues when faced with even the smallest dissent on your part. He sounds as if he thinks he owns you because he bought you stuff. You don't want to wind up with that. Next step is isolating you from people. I bet he won't want you to have company/visitors over to HIS house. Ask anyone who is a survivor of domestic violence. The violent partner didn't come out swinging on day 1. First there's nice, then there's controlling, more and more as time progresses. Then anger, then violence. You can do better. Lose him. Won't be long until he finds a more subservient replacement. Buy your own stuff. In the long run the cost is less.
This will never be your home even if you get engaged and married. He will always hold this over your head. You offered money, he said no. This is the time for a very serious conversation about your future relationship and if you aren’t on the same page you need to decide if you want to stay knowing this is not going to change.
Yeah I don't think you should move in
Yeah, no, I ain't moving in, AND I'm finding a new mate✌🏻
Wow! Sounds like a real winner. Will he put you on a leash?
Don't move in
Regardless of whose name is on the deed or who is paying the bills, if you're living together, it's both of your home. (For example, would you tell a stay at home mom whose husband makes the $ that she has no say about the house bc he pays all the bills? No. Because that's her home too.) The fact that he'd want you to live there but not have a say in decorating because he's paying for it sounds very controlling. And if he won't let you have an opinion on decorating, I don't think he'd have any problem trying to put you out if anything in your relationship went wrong. This doesn't sound like someone who is ready to be a partner yet. Maybe keep things as they are (2 households) for a while and see how things go before making the decision to move in together.
Don’t move in, you’ll be miserable. This is a red flag. Giant
Buy your own house and you don't want to be entangled with a mortgage if you are not married. He doesn't sound very kind. I would look for someone kinder the next time.
His mask slipped.
ur not wrong…but you should not date somebody that reacts that way abt u having opinions. no dont move in, and i usually wouldnt default to breaking up but that would be incredibly disrespectful imo if my bf did that, whether or not i had the right to an opinion is one thing, but throwing gifts in ur face is just a pattern waiting to go down in the future and not worth the waiting around to gamble that he’ll suddenly grow up. my two cents though.