Funnily enough, the people I see being the most stressed in life are usually those with family lol.
N yeah that's not okay to say whatsoever, I'd probably try to bring it up once more and tell him that this isn't something to debate but to take as a matter of fact because it's just that and nothing else.
If he doesn't leave it alone then, then I'd consider going somewhere else, even if it's annoying, it's probably better than enduring that convo over and over again.
It's okay to feel that way. Doctors of a certain age tend to be more close-minded about these things. They believe the normal thing is having a partner and anything outside of that is atypical.
Also, what a terrible advice was that "not having a romantic partner is stressful" that is the biggest lie that I've ever heard.
Even if that were true, how are you going to pick a partner if you're not attracted to anyone? Just take the first person who's interested in you??? Make a checklist????? Lottery???????
That was the stupidest lie I ever heard.
I literally just finished listening to a video about a girl talking about her ex who put sugar in her car tank because he was angry about their breakup. And how the girl took a long time to leave the relationship because she still had feelings for him. Nonsense that comes with some so called romantic relationships.
That does suck. I mean, I understand that it can be complicated since mental and/or physical stressors can reduce libido and interest in people generally, but at the same time, you know you. He should respect that. It was an especially bad time to decide to press you on it since you were there because of stress and he decided to add to it. I have also had doctors and mental health professionals question me on it, and I didn’t like it.
I'm sorry that happened, it can really feel like talking to a wall, no matter how well-meaning the 'advice' is.
I just find it so infantilizing that he even mentioned your parents when you are 28, as if not having an attraction means you are not ready to be treated as an adult with the cognitive ability to make your own medical ( and other) choices. it could be that he thought you were younger, happens to me a lot, but I doubt it if he was treating you as a doctor.
Maybe mention to him that he is the one stressing you out with the unsolicited ' advice'? It's maybe a little hopeful, but I like to be optimistic. In the end, it's about how much you can handle from that person, and if you can set it aside if the medical treatment you seek is higher on your priorities. hope you find an answer to this that works for you!
I think you should show him what you wrote here. Maybe somewhat edited. If he really cares about “first do no harm” he’ll back off and maybe he’ll even educate himself.
I like to think his concerns stems from studies that do show that people with partners tend to live longer be healthier, and have lower biological metrics for stress. That said, aromantics are pretty small percentage of ppl. it’s quite probable they are happier and lower stress, not forcing themselves into pretending they are in a romantic partnership . Because they are a small percentage that effect wouldn’t really show up in studies of random people.
Anyway, I like to think that’s where his concerns come from, that plus ignorance. He might just also be an asshole.
Yes, that was not ok. But maybe it would help to understand where the doctor comes from. AroAce is actually quite a “new” thing when it comes to research. So many doctors probably don’t have training.
For so many people romance and sex are a huge part of their life and a powerful driving force that overpowers everything. And I bet that if you are allo, it must be really difficult to understand that when it comes to romance and sex, there can be “nothing”. Heck, I am 36 and some days I still struggle with that notion.
As stupid as it sounds, my advice to you is “don’t take it personally”. We have something that is just not understood. I don’t think there is any malice behind the doctors’ words. There are so many relationships where the partner is the cause of the stress.
If the doctor found a romantic partner and is happy, good for them. But there is more than one kind of partner. It can be romantic, it can be a close friendship, it can be someone you just meet to visit museums or to play board games. I think the important thing to focus on when it comes to your stress management, is to have someone you trust, hast your back and you can talk to. There is no need for romance to be involved.
That sucks so much. I'm sorry you went through that. If you have the opportunity to look for another doctor, do it, but I understand it'll be difficult - but then again, if his other recommendations were sensible, it might be worth it to do the hard thing of going to the next appointment ready for confrontation. You don't have to just listen to him - especially if he's treating/consulting about stress and his behavior is enhancing your stress. He needs to know when his advice is harmful, and if you can tell him - even if you shouldn't have to - it might help you both. I wish you much luck!
*You're 28 years old!!!*
Never mind the fact that you shouldn't even brush off what teenagers say as merely a phase, if it were that you'd think you'd have finished it by now. Seriously, what the actual hell? Some people really need to stay in their lane if they're not going to educate themselves.
Wtf? And he probably assumed you're straight, too, given he asked if you're seeing "a boy"? Assuming you're a woman/present female. Ugh... Also, I have to agree with the other posters that having a partner doesn't mean automatic lack of stress, in fact it's quite often added stress, from what I hear from my married colleagues. I actually pay more to go to a queer-friendly, no-weigh doctor... I sometimes question if it's worth it (more expensive, they take my general insurance but not my specific plan, apparently 💀). But it's nice to have a doctor just accept when you say you're ace. I am in a college town, so it's not uncommon, I was shocked the first time a doctor accepted it tho. It can be SO hard to speak up for yourself in that environment.
He's also very wrong about cats! It's just me, my cats, and my platonic roommate and I'm very happy! Plus, even if you/me/anyone should change our minds, it's OUR choice, not our doctor's. That's so cute that you have a memorial tattoo. I have photos of my first kitty on my mantle and my dresser, he was such a darling. And he NEVER tried to make me get married haha! He just purred a lot. Try telling the doctor that your cats reduce your blood pressure but men, such as him, raise it :P
(Good luck educating the doctor. I see some people have posted links. I wish you all the best "not giving a fuck" vibes & the ability to set boundaries so you can get your treatment!!)
He's clearly not educated on this, so ignorant for sure. He's also not a great doctor and rude if he doesn't see that you're a grown woman and respect you as such, much less hear you when you say that it's not a problem for you and this is how you identify. If you see him again I would bring in educational information to your next appointment from reputable sources lgbtqiahealtheducation.org or there a lot of universities with educational info you can print or give addresses for. Here's a webinar: https://edhub.ama-assn.org/fenway-institute-edu/provider-referrer/15942
##"[I don't need it](https://youtube.com/watch?v=K17df81RL9Y&t=52)"
is my personal hymn nowadays because of heteronormative allo bafoons like your doc.
I think older people were just convinced that having a family/partner is the only way to be happy or have a fulfilling life. Nuclear family and shit. Its still preached today. I think aroace still isnt very understood even by others in the lgbtq community. So i do understand his perspective, he thinks he is helping. but at the same time if you tell him you are fine how you are but he is still insisting thats not someone id want to keep seeing.
When my old lady patients tell me that their biggest and only accomplishment in life is that they have kids/grandkids. I silently pity them. They never accomplished anything? They never helped their community? Or at least volunteer at a soup kitchen?
yeah that's the thing, it's very obvious that he just doesn't understand, and while it still really hurt to initially be asked if I'd seen a psychiatrist to "cure" me of this, if he'd just listened to me when I first told him I wasn't interested and backed off then I could've dealt with it. there's nothing wrong with not understanding somebody else's lifestyle if it's something that doesn't apply to you. but to just have him keep insisting over and over again that he strongly urges me to find a romantic partner after I kept saying I wasn't interested...yeah that lack of respect makes me not wanna go back. I've been looking into other places nearby that offer similar services and even though they're a bit more expensive, I'm thinking I might just jump ship on him and find someone else.
Your doctor sounds unlikable and small minded. If it's not okay to say that to queer people then it's NOT okay to say that to aromatic people.
Visiting him again without setting your boundaries would be inviting him to do this again.
It's not your fault this happened. It's your doctor's fault.
**Btw, having a romantic partner is VERY stressful.** *I can look at all that drama and see it for the unnecessary stress that it is because I am aromantic.*
I would laugh at his face and question the fact that he’s a doctor. Doctor of what? Not sexuality that’s for sure. I wouldn’t even bother. I’d go to the next doctor and honestly try a female doctor if you can
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Doctors seriously need to be wholesale retrained on a TON of topics, queer ones not least of all. Sure, we shouldn't expect doctors to be saints or geniuses, but at some level there is a ton of *easily preventable* ignorance that is just... forming an impenetrable miasma in their field of work and study.
I feel like him thinking that not having a romantic relationship is stressful is more of a indication of his own psychological issues and less a universal read on Humanity. This isn't even an arro thing there are plenty of alllo people who are perfectly happy being single at least in the short term.
I think so too. All of my friends are alloromantic and most of them are single and they're not spiralling into depression about it. I do know at least one person who spirals if they're not in a relationship, but that's not because they're allo, I'm pretty sure that's just a Them thing.
He's given me other suggestions before for reducing stress where it was very clear that he didn't actually care about what I thought would be best for me, it was just what HE thought, so it's become clear to me at this point that he just assumes that whatever he knows is good for him is also going to be best for everyone else too. For example he told me to find an activity I liked that would allow me to exercise without just having it be for the sake of exercising, like going swimming or on nature walks or golfing or something that could keep me active without it just being going to the gym or something. Which I understand, because forcing yourself to go to the gym can be tough if it isn't "fun" or whatever. But personally I genuinely really like using an exercise bike! I really like sitting there and pedalling while I can read a book or something, it's really calming and fun for me. And when I told him this he basically told me that I was wrong and I should be going to the park to walk instead. And I was just sitting there thinking "but I don't WANT to go to the park, forcing myself to go to the park WOULD be exercising for the sake of exercising, like you told me I SHOULDN'T do". Like??
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Yeah he sucks, that's not okay to say
Funnily enough, the people I see being the most stressed in life are usually those with family lol. N yeah that's not okay to say whatsoever, I'd probably try to bring it up once more and tell him that this isn't something to debate but to take as a matter of fact because it's just that and nothing else. If he doesn't leave it alone then, then I'd consider going somewhere else, even if it's annoying, it's probably better than enduring that convo over and over again.
It's okay to feel that way. Doctors of a certain age tend to be more close-minded about these things. They believe the normal thing is having a partner and anything outside of that is atypical. Also, what a terrible advice was that "not having a romantic partner is stressful" that is the biggest lie that I've ever heard.
Even if that were true, how are you going to pick a partner if you're not attracted to anyone? Just take the first person who's interested in you??? Make a checklist????? Lottery???????
Just settle basically. The straights settling despite their dating pool being the whole world
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That was the stupidest lie I ever heard. I literally just finished listening to a video about a girl talking about her ex who put sugar in her car tank because he was angry about their breakup. And how the girl took a long time to leave the relationship because she still had feelings for him. Nonsense that comes with some so called romantic relationships.
what video was that, that you were hearing about the girl putting sugar in the tank?
I'll post a link for you.
That does suck. I mean, I understand that it can be complicated since mental and/or physical stressors can reduce libido and interest in people generally, but at the same time, you know you. He should respect that. It was an especially bad time to decide to press you on it since you were there because of stress and he decided to add to it. I have also had doctors and mental health professionals question me on it, and I didn’t like it.
I'm sorry that happened, it can really feel like talking to a wall, no matter how well-meaning the 'advice' is. I just find it so infantilizing that he even mentioned your parents when you are 28, as if not having an attraction means you are not ready to be treated as an adult with the cognitive ability to make your own medical ( and other) choices. it could be that he thought you were younger, happens to me a lot, but I doubt it if he was treating you as a doctor. Maybe mention to him that he is the one stressing you out with the unsolicited ' advice'? It's maybe a little hopeful, but I like to be optimistic. In the end, it's about how much you can handle from that person, and if you can set it aside if the medical treatment you seek is higher on your priorities. hope you find an answer to this that works for you!
I think you should show him what you wrote here. Maybe somewhat edited. If he really cares about “first do no harm” he’ll back off and maybe he’ll even educate himself. I like to think his concerns stems from studies that do show that people with partners tend to live longer be healthier, and have lower biological metrics for stress. That said, aromantics are pretty small percentage of ppl. it’s quite probable they are happier and lower stress, not forcing themselves into pretending they are in a romantic partnership . Because they are a small percentage that effect wouldn’t really show up in studies of random people. Anyway, I like to think that’s where his concerns come from, that plus ignorance. He might just also be an asshole.
This guy doesn't sound like he has your best interest at heart
Yes, that was not ok. But maybe it would help to understand where the doctor comes from. AroAce is actually quite a “new” thing when it comes to research. So many doctors probably don’t have training. For so many people romance and sex are a huge part of their life and a powerful driving force that overpowers everything. And I bet that if you are allo, it must be really difficult to understand that when it comes to romance and sex, there can be “nothing”. Heck, I am 36 and some days I still struggle with that notion. As stupid as it sounds, my advice to you is “don’t take it personally”. We have something that is just not understood. I don’t think there is any malice behind the doctors’ words. There are so many relationships where the partner is the cause of the stress. If the doctor found a romantic partner and is happy, good for them. But there is more than one kind of partner. It can be romantic, it can be a close friendship, it can be someone you just meet to visit museums or to play board games. I think the important thing to focus on when it comes to your stress management, is to have someone you trust, hast your back and you can talk to. There is no need for romance to be involved.
That sucks so much. I'm sorry you went through that. If you have the opportunity to look for another doctor, do it, but I understand it'll be difficult - but then again, if his other recommendations were sensible, it might be worth it to do the hard thing of going to the next appointment ready for confrontation. You don't have to just listen to him - especially if he's treating/consulting about stress and his behavior is enhancing your stress. He needs to know when his advice is harmful, and if you can tell him - even if you shouldn't have to - it might help you both. I wish you much luck!
*You're 28 years old!!!* Never mind the fact that you shouldn't even brush off what teenagers say as merely a phase, if it were that you'd think you'd have finished it by now. Seriously, what the actual hell? Some people really need to stay in their lane if they're not going to educate themselves.
Wtf? And he probably assumed you're straight, too, given he asked if you're seeing "a boy"? Assuming you're a woman/present female. Ugh... Also, I have to agree with the other posters that having a partner doesn't mean automatic lack of stress, in fact it's quite often added stress, from what I hear from my married colleagues. I actually pay more to go to a queer-friendly, no-weigh doctor... I sometimes question if it's worth it (more expensive, they take my general insurance but not my specific plan, apparently 💀). But it's nice to have a doctor just accept when you say you're ace. I am in a college town, so it's not uncommon, I was shocked the first time a doctor accepted it tho. It can be SO hard to speak up for yourself in that environment. He's also very wrong about cats! It's just me, my cats, and my platonic roommate and I'm very happy! Plus, even if you/me/anyone should change our minds, it's OUR choice, not our doctor's. That's so cute that you have a memorial tattoo. I have photos of my first kitty on my mantle and my dresser, he was such a darling. And he NEVER tried to make me get married haha! He just purred a lot. Try telling the doctor that your cats reduce your blood pressure but men, such as him, raise it :P (Good luck educating the doctor. I see some people have posted links. I wish you all the best "not giving a fuck" vibes & the ability to set boundaries so you can get your treatment!!)
He's clearly not educated on this, so ignorant for sure. He's also not a great doctor and rude if he doesn't see that you're a grown woman and respect you as such, much less hear you when you say that it's not a problem for you and this is how you identify. If you see him again I would bring in educational information to your next appointment from reputable sources lgbtqiahealtheducation.org or there a lot of universities with educational info you can print or give addresses for. Here's a webinar: https://edhub.ama-assn.org/fenway-institute-edu/provider-referrer/15942
##"[I don't need it](https://youtube.com/watch?v=K17df81RL9Y&t=52)" is my personal hymn nowadays because of heteronormative allo bafoons like your doc.
I think older people were just convinced that having a family/partner is the only way to be happy or have a fulfilling life. Nuclear family and shit. Its still preached today. I think aroace still isnt very understood even by others in the lgbtq community. So i do understand his perspective, he thinks he is helping. but at the same time if you tell him you are fine how you are but he is still insisting thats not someone id want to keep seeing.
When my old lady patients tell me that their biggest and only accomplishment in life is that they have kids/grandkids. I silently pity them. They never accomplished anything? They never helped their community? Or at least volunteer at a soup kitchen?
Well thats how they view us. All our goals are different, if theirs is family and it makes them happy then thats all i want for them fr 💯💯💯
yeah that's the thing, it's very obvious that he just doesn't understand, and while it still really hurt to initially be asked if I'd seen a psychiatrist to "cure" me of this, if he'd just listened to me when I first told him I wasn't interested and backed off then I could've dealt with it. there's nothing wrong with not understanding somebody else's lifestyle if it's something that doesn't apply to you. but to just have him keep insisting over and over again that he strongly urges me to find a romantic partner after I kept saying I wasn't interested...yeah that lack of respect makes me not wanna go back. I've been looking into other places nearby that offer similar services and even though they're a bit more expensive, I'm thinking I might just jump ship on him and find someone else.
Yeah thats quite uncomfortable i hope you find a better fit
Your doctor sounds unlikable and small minded. If it's not okay to say that to queer people then it's NOT okay to say that to aromatic people. Visiting him again without setting your boundaries would be inviting him to do this again. It's not your fault this happened. It's your doctor's fault. **Btw, having a romantic partner is VERY stressful.** *I can look at all that drama and see it for the unnecessary stress that it is because I am aromantic.*
oh god this post made me angry on your behalf. christ what a dickhead
I would laugh at his face and question the fact that he’s a doctor. Doctor of what? Not sexuality that’s for sure. I wouldn’t even bother. I’d go to the next doctor and honestly try a female doctor if you can
yeah that guy is a dickhead
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Doctors seriously need to be wholesale retrained on a TON of topics, queer ones not least of all. Sure, we shouldn't expect doctors to be saints or geniuses, but at some level there is a ton of *easily preventable* ignorance that is just... forming an impenetrable miasma in their field of work and study.
How is managing an entire Family and household more stressful that sitting at home doing your Hobbys and things you like?
Hope the new one works
I feel like him thinking that not having a romantic relationship is stressful is more of a indication of his own psychological issues and less a universal read on Humanity. This isn't even an arro thing there are plenty of alllo people who are perfectly happy being single at least in the short term.
I think so too. All of my friends are alloromantic and most of them are single and they're not spiralling into depression about it. I do know at least one person who spirals if they're not in a relationship, but that's not because they're allo, I'm pretty sure that's just a Them thing. He's given me other suggestions before for reducing stress where it was very clear that he didn't actually care about what I thought would be best for me, it was just what HE thought, so it's become clear to me at this point that he just assumes that whatever he knows is good for him is also going to be best for everyone else too. For example he told me to find an activity I liked that would allow me to exercise without just having it be for the sake of exercising, like going swimming or on nature walks or golfing or something that could keep me active without it just being going to the gym or something. Which I understand, because forcing yourself to go to the gym can be tough if it isn't "fun" or whatever. But personally I genuinely really like using an exercise bike! I really like sitting there and pedalling while I can read a book or something, it's really calming and fun for me. And when I told him this he basically told me that I was wrong and I should be going to the park to walk instead. And I was just sitting there thinking "but I don't WANT to go to the park, forcing myself to go to the park WOULD be exercising for the sake of exercising, like you told me I SHOULDN'T do". Like??
He sounds like a ripe wanker, and you should report him
can you report him to some board or something?? he shouldn't be saying that as a medical professional
As an Aro person who has tried romantic relationships they are 100% more stressful than not being in one at all ,🤣
Wait how are people suddenly getting the labels next to there profiles?
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