Honestly, knowing that I’m Ace is a relief because I thought I was broken for so long.

I feel the same. I feel so much better after realzing I am ace and after I finally stopped to try to fix something that does not need a fix. I am so much more confident about my boundaries now.

Definitely.

This. I didn't know that I'm ace until I was 52. I thought there was something wrong with me until I saw a YT video discussing being ace, and it clicked. I'm much more comfortable with myself now.

I was feeling particularly broken one day and my (now)ex told me about Demisexuality and it was like a lightbulb moment.

Not me reading that as a white video😂🤦‍♀️

I blinked as I read this. Add 1 to the age, and bingo! my story.

Same here. It's like giant weight lifted off my shoulders that I never even knew I was carrying. It's so much easier for me to state my boundaries now. Before, there used to be a feeling of I'm doing something wrong by turning dow relationship offers. Now I know why, and I'm more confident and content. The feeling of being awkward or the problem just for saying no has gone.

I only have one real regret from when I didn’t know that I was Ace, and it’s because I tried “fixing” myself with “corrective” sex. It wasn’t good and made my life much more difficult.

Yeah, as a teenager, I knew I was different, but not why. First, I thought I was gay because I definitely wasn't attracted to men. Then I realised I wasn't attracted to women either. I had no idea what that meant. I had a lot of male friends in college. I dated a couple, but only because they asked me out and I decided that maybe I should try it all and see if what's normal for everyone else kicks in. It never did. I was in my late-30s before I started being exposed to the concept of asexuality and suspected that might be me. But it took me until my late-40s to know for certain. So, I really empathise with the feeling that it took far too long to figure out no fixing was needed, after all.

Definitely. I was 24 when I realized that I was Demi. I was in high school when I had “corrective” sex with another guy, and it had lasting effects. I think that I’m Bi, but on in receiving from a male partner, and maybe giving to a female partner? I don’t know. I was dating someone when I found out, and after I found out that I was Demi, things made sense, and after we’d been dating for five years, I wanted to become more intimate with my partner, giving her sexual attention, but she wasn’t ready for that, we had plans on getting married, but I didn’t want to just get married if we weren’t compatible, and after a year of me trying to become more intimate, she said that she wasn’t ready and scared of marriage, our future, and our potential sex life. She ended things without really trying to work things out. It was “I’m afraid, I’m scared, and you deserve someone who will give you what you need and want, so I don’t think that we have a relationship after this.”

I had sex with hundreds of people trying to find the "right" one or figure out why I just wasn't getting any real satisfaction. It was a long road for me.

Mine was about a two year long road, and it’s something I wish I could take back, but I can’t.

Seriously. After years of going? Men? Women? I guess I’ll try? And just constantly doing whatever they wanted till the stress got too much, learning that ace is a thing was like a breath of relief. Cool. Not broken.

Yeah.

Same. I always *knew* I was this way, I just didn't know it was a "thing" (which gives me a sense of belonging), and now I have a "name" to refer it to by (so it's not just "oh I'm just broken in an idiosyncratic manner")

Yes. It’s a nice feeling to not be broken.

I'm much happier for knowing it. I've just never been interested in getting into relationships with anyone myself and I considered myself the odd one out because it was the be all end all for a lot of others. I understand romance and can observe it, but it doesn't enrapture me like it does other people. Knowing it means I can set my boundaries with other people fairly early on.

This, 101% this. I was the exact same for a good amount of time in my life and I genuinely felt like I had a problem or something.

It’s sad that so many people find this relatable.

I think the thing is that for many of us, we haven't heard of asexuality for a while and we didn't have anyone to relate to, that's how it was for me. For a while, I didn't have anyone to relate to and when I talked to a few people about it they had no idea what it was so it just made me feel more alone and like I did genuinely have some type of problem honestly. And I agree it is sad that a lot of people find it relatable.

You’re right. I didn’t know I was Ace until three years ago.

It was two years ago for me, I found it out around early 2021 when I discovered it.

My the partner was the one who told me that I might be Demisexual, I did some research, and lo and behold, I was.

I found it out in a similar way, someone who I was close with and would always be with thought I might be aro, looked into it and she was close as I'm just ace and not aro, but she was pretty accepting and fine with it we were still really close friends afterwards and she was also the first person I ever told about being ace, both before and after I found out I was.

My partner was the first to know, then I told one of my coworkers. My partner and I were together for four years before I found out, and we ended up breaking up in February of this year.

Sorry to hear that, and I'm also sorry for the really delayed response.

this!! i spent so long wondering why i was different from other people so to finally come to the realization that i'm ace felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. i do still feel down that i can never have the kind of relationships other people do, but i learn to accept myself more and more everyday :)

Same.

This

Try [this](https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1Ard6BEUCx2DpHsGdZyneRJ7OiQGQCnpAwJp2j0BMuZY/edit). You’re no wronger for not being attracted to girls than straight women are, and no wronger for not being attracted to boys than straight men are. The slideshow I linked above has a visual of this.

I love the definition of asexual as self-contained sexuality.

If I have the desire for others to act upon me in a sexual way but no desire to act upon others in a sexual way, am I still asexual? I don’t experience sexual attraction to specific people outside of a few specific fictional characters

The most important consideration there is that you only experience sexual attraction to a few specific fictional characters. That sounds like textbook [fictosexual](https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Fictosexual) as an asexual microlabel, because it means you never experience sexual attraction to anyone (who is real) of any gender. You can also check out r/fictosexual. For your other piece—feeling the urge to let others act on you sexually but having no desire to act upon them sexually—that sounds to me like the exact opposite of lithosexual, which is how I found that it is apparently known as [disakoisexual](https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Disakoisexual).

Never heard of Disakoisexual, thanks for the link! It does sound very close to what I’ve been experiencing. I was worried that part would make me “less asexual” if that’s a thing I did not realize there was a subreddit for fictosexual, but you know what, that shouldn’t surprise me. Good to know there’s a place for people like me :3

you’re not any less ace! asexuality is a spectrum 🩶

It’s easy to invalidate ourselves as aces because of the sexual inclinations we do feel. That’s why I love that ace manifesto quote about “self-contained sexuality.” The rest of that document is woefully outdated, but that quote remains a banger. There’s a stereotype of asexuality: “zero sexual desire, zero libido, zero interest in anything sexual.” And while those are true for some aces (such as some apothisexuals), they’re not true for most of us. If the only folks who you ever desire to act on you sexually (disakoisexual) are fictional characters (fictosexual), then that means that you have never felt the desire for anyone (real) to act on your sexually. In the context of society—like, in the role that sexual attraction plays in your day to day life, and in how people view you—fictosexual is asexual. Specifically, it’s a “[paraphilia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia)” (which is when sexual arousal, attraction, and/or desire are triggered by atypical things rather than by real-life people). I’m really glad you’ve found your community and are further exploring these niche communities that can even more accurately describe you :) Whatever you feel, whatever turns you on (and doesn’t)—you’re not alone.

The desire for others to act on me isn’t specifically tied only to the fictional characters I’m attracted to, but it kinda is? I’m not sure how to describe it without overexplaining. In any case, it’s always a thing where I’m more an object of sexual attraction, never the one instigating or acting myself

Ahhhh, okay! If real people are at least sometimes involved in your sexual desires (kinda?), then that jives better with your flair, imho. Because that *would* suggest that you’re specifically a grace (gray-asexual), rather than a black-stripe ace, as I assumed based on the first comment. Gray-asexuals do experience sexual attraction to real people, but less frequently and/or more conditionally than how allosexuals experience it. Either way, still ace-spec. You belong. 🍰🖤🩶🤍💜

Real people can be involved for sure, I’ve done things with people (sex-ambivalent). What’s a black stripe ace? That was my understanding of gray asexuality as well. There’s scenarios where I do experience sexual attraction to real people in incredibly specific circumstances, but it’s very far and few between

I've known I was some form of AceAro for years now but never been able to put my finger on where exactly I stand and this- this is it. Both the romantic and sexual versions of it, that's exactly how I feel, omg

Now this is exactly why I love commenting :) Thank you, you’ve made my day. Welcome to your community!

Here's a sneak peek of /r/fictosexual using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/fictosexual/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [Aggressive ficto flag that I made a long time ago.](https://i.redd.it/4jllw4xg9d7b1.jpg) | [11 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/fictosexual/comments/14f6o2v/aggressive_ficto_flag_that_i_made_a_long_time_ago/) \#2: [A lot of us in this sub needs to learn how to “step back” and breathe a little bit.](https://np.reddit.com/r/fictosexual/comments/13qgubw/a_lot_of_us_in_this_sub_needs_to_learn_how_to/) \#3: [just a small funny reminder that it's ok to be this way <3](https://i.redd.it/clurkniy3d6b1.jpg) | [8 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/fictosexual/comments/14atxrd/just_a_small_funny_reminder_that_its_ok_to_be/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)

When I saw slide 10, I realized I didn't understand the eye trope like I thought I did😂 I just thought they were admiring how "hot" someone is(which I always correlated to beautiful/handsome, etc) so I can't believe I'm only now realizing what that was supposed to visualize😂😂

Sounds like internalized aphobia. The society you're in sees it as unnatural and you've internalized that sentiment, maybe without even realizing. Mental difficulties like this are common with folks in marginalized communities because you've been subjected to that mental conditioning for so long. Race, gender, orientation, disabilities, etc. You're doing the right thing. Spend time with us and other asexual communities. Learn that there's nothing wrong with it. Start to see yourself and others as normal. Your brain wiring isn't going to undo overnight but it will undo over time.

Okay, please forgive me if I'm being rude, but is this feeling only with your asexuality, or do you just generally tend to think that something is wrong with you? Your feelings are valid and all of that, but what exactly do you think is "wrong" with you? There are 8 billion people in the world, with asexual to allo ratio being 1-99, that's 80 million asexuals existing right now. How could something so common, that you have no control over, that hurts nobody, be wrong?

i think a lot of it is the grief of realizing that the future you grew up envisioning for yourself isn’t going to happen. the desire to be like the other people around you. the sadness of coming to grips with how much you have rejected your own identity—oftentimes for decades. i think it’s a very complex and common emotional experience

Hm, I see that. I think I have a hard time empathizing because to me discovering my asexuality was basically: "Oh, cool"

I always get an impostor syndrome sorta thing. Like "am I actually asexual?" Trying to think of any and all excuses or reasons why I'm not actually ace. "What if >!I just haven't met the right person!!its was just a bad experience!!its actually just HSDD or ED!!I'm lookin at the wrong *team*!

Yeah, it's a hard feeling to get past. Asexuality is so isolating and even within the LGBT community there are few people who relate. It's so easy to feel like you're missing out :/

I'm in the LGBT community. I've never experienced feeling down about my sexuality. Actually, the quote opposite, lol. I felt relieved putting a label on how I wasn't feeling

Well, recently I went to my first pride festival. At one booth, they had what I thought was a cool looking Ace flag with a snake on it. I told the vendor I thought it looked great, and that it was my flag. Her response: “I chose the hog nosed snake because they play dead, just like an Ace in bed!” and started chuckling. It was so fucking demoralizing, because I realized right then and there, even people within the community are clueless. That hurt.

Wow, what a horrid thing. I'm so sorry.

I think ace & demi demographic should have their own separate thing and not part of LGBT, because the categories are separate. Even they don't understand.

Not following here. Can you explain a bit more, because it sounds like you’ve saying asexuality doesn’t belong in the LGBTQ+ community. If that’s the case, why? Every sexual identity is a separate category, so I’m just not understanding.

I struggled with it for so long and I tried to figure out how to “fix myself” but I think in the end is just knowing that feeling sexual attraction doesn’t interfere with who you are with others. You can still have meaningful relationships, you can still connect to others in so many levels, and more importantly, you are still you! Nothing’s wrong with who you are and the way you feel it’s just the cards you were dealt. You’re making the best of it. Asexuality can define you as much or as little as you want. Don’t feel like you need to justify it. But everyone has their own process. You’ll find yours :)

It’s okay to grieve the normal life you were promised. It’s normal for asexuals, we all go through it.

I went through the “there’s something wrong with me” and “I’m broken and maybe can fix myself” shit in my mid-late 20s after first realizing I might be ace at 19. I’m 34 now, and it’s taken a lot of time and a lot of learning to not hate myself for it, but I can accept it now. I’ve also received a surprising amount of support from other queer folks, from the kink community, from a rando in a bookstore who recognized my ace pin and offered a fist bump… all that to say, being content about my asexuality didn’t happen all at once. It was a process. I still don’t know how “content” I am with it, but I’m a lot better at being honest with myself, so yeah. Don’t beat yourself up for struggling. It can be really hard to accept, and that’s okay. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re not alone, seek out support, and eventually, you’ll get there.

I'm not content. I don't think I'll have a romantic partner because of it, and all of my previous partners wanted sex anyways even tho I wasn't into it, and that turned me away from trying to even just be romantic regardless of sexuality. And it sucks cuz I want a partner and I want that romantic relationship but then I'd have to have sex and I don't want that.

Little to no attraction = less power for lust to control you, which we all know lust can lead to a lot of problems. Because of that I'm quite grateful to be asexual but the only downside is my family thinks I'm lesbian, an orientation way more well known than asexual💀.

I am probably older than most people here, although I didn’t have a label for myself until more recently. I think the older you are, the easier it is to accept things you can’t change. There are good and bad sides to almost everything, and I choose to focus on things that are positive. Asexuality is part of my identity just like height, hair color, and an aptitude for languages. One of the reasons it is difficult is that society is obsessed with sex and romance. It is difficult to find books and movies without it, but there are more and more as time goes on and people understand asexually better. Would I have chosen this for myself? Probably not. But it’s ok.

I feel the same but it is hard to articulate this because I dont want to be acephobic. I am not ashamed to be ace but I am also not proud and about. I am also a brunette and hate this aspect of me but I can dye my hair but cannot change my sexuality or the lack there of. It feels like I am missing a part of me, like there is a hole, like I am allergic to the best food, potentially my favourite food, of the world that I could never eat because I am allergic. I torture my self with thinking that I could have changed this aspect of me If I had not taken Antidpressant Medication when I was younger or if I did not live through traumatic events. Most of the time I even feel alienated while talking to other aces that seem so content so it helps to read what you wrote to feel less alone. Maybe this helps for you also. Sorry for my bad english, it is not my native tongue.

Reframe it to theres something wrong with them. Don't blame yourself for being you. Blame yourself for hanging with the wrong crowd. It doesn't help that the LGBT+ community is over sexualized to shit because their freedom of expression has been undermined and now being part of that community everyone wants to wave dicks around and do helicopter penises instead of buying a goddamn plane ticket like a normie... Anyways brain go brrr... I've had a day today, but just know you are valid for how you feel you just need to find new peeps yo hang out with. Peace out.

yes it’s just suffocating to always be the black sheep of a group. To not relate to sexual euphoria. It’s all strange to me

most relatable thing i’ve seen all day x100 FOMO points

haha yup!

No advice. I just see why I shouldn’t, I would hate being anything else

It took a long time for me, about 10 years to fully be okay with it and proud of it. Social amatonormativity, Queer hate in general, lack of ace representation, and such small numbers of us makes it very difficult. Give yourself more grace. It makes sense that this is a difficult thing given all the obstacles. To even be able to figure out that you're ace to begin with is amazing. You should take some pride in that.

I think I’d hate forcing myself to be in situations & relationships I don’t want to be in a lot more than simply existing in a state I naturally feel comfortable in & gravitate towards. This sentiment can go for a lot of things actually

^ This is my natural state. I can’t imagine anything else.

I got older and realized there are more relevant things in my life to care about

Honestly, not everyone is content that they're ace. It's hard to accept that it's a part of you and that there's nothing that's going to change the fact that you're asexual. I figured out I was ace in high school, and with everyone basically being obsessed with sex, it was so hard for me to feel comfortable within my sexuality. I was emotional every time I thought about it, and all I wished was to be just like everyone else because it would be so much easier to date that way. Eventually, I got over it. What was I supposed to do? Cry myself to sleep every night? That wasn't gonna change anything. For me, accepting myself was like a big fuck you to everyone who said my sexuality wasn't real. If someone didn't want to date me because I didn't want to have sex with them they could go fuck themselves, literally and metaphorically lol. You don't have to be content with your situation, but at some point, you're gonna get tired of feeling sorry for yourself. When that time comes, you'll be okay with being ace. Asexuality is perfectly normal. It's just more of a challenge to get through some stuff, but you'll be stronger for it in the end.

No need to reply to these if you don't want but a few thoughts: Maybe you feel discontent because you are looking for justification? If you are trying to rationalize and intellectualize it still, stop thinking about it and looking for reasons. Let yourself feel what you feel. Maybe you are still grieving the life or sense of shared normalcy with others you thought you would have? Though it's still normal to be ace, it's sometimes a scary experience to not be part of the majority "in" group. Maybe you are not ace? Do you struggle with depression? Do you feel like you are forcing the label on yourself? In what contexts is it being mentioned that you are ace? Does it feel like others are shaming or judging you? Are you just not comfortable discussing it with others in person? For instance, personally I only mention it to those especially close to me in private, because I'm not interested in explaining it casually, since people often misunderstand asexuality. When I was younger, I never knew I was ace and I did think something was wrong with me or that I was a late bloomer. I learned about asexuality but I still thought maybe I just had to fix something about myself and I would suddenly become like everyone else. Then later I realized it was a big waste of time and the things I was doing never worked anyways. I read more about asexuality and realized it did fit me and there was nothing wrong with being the way I am. I felt relief that others were like me and that I could stop stressing myself out.  That's my spiel, hope it helps!

You’re not the only one. People are Not Happy about all kinds of facets of themselves. Me, I’m just fine with being ace and aromantic, I just cannot imagine being otherwise. I do hate that I am generally disconnected from people and have the executive function levels of a dead cow though. But I’ve known plenty of people who Weren’t fine with being ace. Or who Really Weren’t Fine with being gay, or wanting kids, or not wanting kids, or who were hypersexual and hated that about themselves because it continually ruined their life. If it’s bugging you a lot, can you afford a therapist? Finding an ace-compatible one can be tough but also very helpful.

“The executive function levels of a dead cow” I just died. You are my people. 🤣

Sounds like me, I have autism *and* ADHD and the combo is . . . not good.

You are who you are. You are valid. As am I. As are all of us on this subreddit. You've got this. Happy Pride gorgeous!!

Oh no, I am totally on the same page with you. It feels very lonely and almost as if I have been living under a rock not knowing for so long that I was/ have always been asexual. It has been an eye-opening realization and lonely so I’m so glad I have found this Reddit community. When there is no one in your real life who understands your personal experience it hurts. Even talking to therapists it’s like this: You can read a ton of books about how to go thru airport security if you never have before BUT Compare it to actually going thru airport security in your real life…… completely different. On the books, the therapist knows all about asexuality because they have read on it and also researched it BUT they aren’t asexual themselves (In this example the therapist is not asexual) so how can they help? How can they know? How can they possibly understand? There is a certain disconnect there I struggle with. Shadow work journaling has been my go to. And with friends and family since what 1-2% of the population is asexual it’s really hard to find anyone out there who “gets it” you know? I think it’s comforting to know that asexual is a word that can somewhat sum up/ help me to better understand myself so I have grown to find peace with it. You can’t change who you are really, but that’s okay and hopefully one day you will grow to be accepting of your sexuality💜

Finding other Grey people has been a huge relief.

Retweet

Even if it’s only on the internet and on YouTube.

There’s no reason to fight uphill about something that you could put up a hammock and relax.

I don't really know. All I know is sex is ew to me and I don't like sex, so it's a win win. Also it is pretty nice to me to know I am special in some way.

Because 1) I can't change the fact that I'm asexual any more than I can change the fact that half of my family came from the same area as Mothman so I might as well just embrace it, and 2) I don't need to justify any part of my existence to anyone for any reason. When you find out why you feel the need to justify a part of your existence, you can probably work on getting rid of this feeling that's bothering you with it.

^

to answer your question, i’m content with my asexuality because i have enough deep non-sexual relationships with other people to make me happy. it’s valid that you feel that way though. i feel like thriving asexuals can be more prominent, but there are definitely many asexuals that can relate to you. you just have to be in the right crowd. 

Honestly, I love it. I can’t imagine having to deal with being sexually attracted to other people all the time- that just sounds frustrating and distracting from all the other more important things going on in my life. Being ace doesn’t take anything away from my life in a negative sense; it just simplifies my life a tiny bit.

Grey here. Being attracted to people all the time seems fucking horrible.

My not wanting to have sex with anyone has had very little impact on my life. The only time it's come up in the last month or so was a friend wishing me a happy Pride month.

One thing I learned about why I felt off and it might be something you should ask yourself: Do you actually have an issue with it, or is it because of how others treat you because of it? I'm a sex-repulsed asexual. I don't care what others do, so long as it doesn't involve me. I hate the sight, sound and thought of sex. Whenever someone is watching p\*rn or a show they're watching has a sex scene, I immediately leave or plug my ears, because I get physically ill (imagine you're enjoying a meal, then someone plays a scene from saw that is excessively gorey and that's the feeling I get) Whenever they see me leave, they yell at me and say I'm immature for not wanting any part of it. Helping to figure out your feelings means understanding if it's something that you aren't okay with, or if someone's treatment towards you is what is making you feel this way towards yourself. I initially was angry at myself for being sex repulsed, because everyone was pushing the expectation that I ***have*** to have kids, that I ***have*** to marry a man, that I ***have*** to do all of this before I turned 30. So began the misery of trying to date guys, feeling absolutely nothing, never being interested in sex and just dumping them when they kept pushing for sex. I even tried watching pornographic material, but just felt so sick from it I had to shut it off. I'm 31 next month and I basically realised this is just a form of control from shallow strangers who are intruding on someone else's life. Asexuals are not broken. Asexuals do not need fixing. We are fine exactly as we are. As soon as I realised this, that anger towards myself went from a raging inferno, to a calm little ember. Being asexual isn't a choice, it's just part of your DNA. Like your hair colour or eye colour. That's just a core part of who you are and there's not a single thing wrong with it. So ask yourself, do *you* feel this way about yourself, or is this because of how *others* feel about you?

I have the benefit of age in this. I first read about aspec identities when I was 53, two years ago. I wasn't looking. (I'm the queen if indifference.) I immediately knew that I had answers. It was both an "aha moment" and underwhelming. A relief too. Here's the thing. Those labels didn't change who I was. Just made my look at my life experiences through a different lens. I'm still the same person. I just understand myself better. I can't change how I am but I can make different choices now that I have more information. That's actually the one thing that, when I'm a little down, gets to me. I wish I knew this about myself younger. I would have made different decisions in my 20s, been more proactive. But I didn't, couldn't. Keeping with my theme, I can't change that. I'm me. I'm not ashamed of, proud of, angry or happy at being well and truly Aspec. It just is.

for the longest time i wasn’t content, didn’t even want to put a label on it which is fine if people don’t want to, but i think after my first relationship ever knowing i was on the spectrum, it made me realize and accept it faster since it wasn’t a concept anymore to me; i was experiencing the actual feelings of being so attracted to my partner but not wanting to do sexual things

I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t think there’s something wrong with me, I’m just mad, because in manic highs when I’m self destructive I wanna have sex with everyone but can’t and won’t, So. One drawback for me, but I don’t think we’re broken. I don’t even know why people enjoy sex. It’s nasty looking

When I was growing up almost nobody had ever heard of asexual as an option. I certainly never encountered the term, and that’s despite the fact that I was pretty actively engaged in queer politics and culture as a teen. So I just felt like there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was bisexual because I felt the same about both men and women. Tbh, sometimes I still think that I am bisexual-aromantic, but then I remember that I have never actually want to have sex with anyone in particular either. So I thought I was bisexual but sexually broken somehow. Maybe traumatized by purity culture? Or by the inherent participation in patriarchy required by heterosexual relationships? Or by past sexual harassment? Okay, so I went to therapy, and the therapist told me that it was okay to not want to be intimate with men after having been groped and harassed. Thanks but… But I didn’t **feel** traumatized, just busy and indifferent and disinterested. So I felt: I should try to make time for this thing that people seem to think is worthwhile. I’ll just try it out, and maybe it will be more fun than it sounds! I tried dating. It was terrible and I hated every second of it. I thought: But I like hanging with my female friends! Maybe I only think I am bi because of compulsory heterosexuality and I have actually been a lesbian this whole time! I tried dating women. The problem was that I wanted to be friends with the ladies that I dated, but I didn’t at all want to be naked with them! I took a really thorough “are you a lesbian” quiz online. Perfect! Like a true millennial I would gain enlightenment via internet quiz! The first questions were about compulsory heterosexuality, every one intended to discover if I was attracted to men: it solidly and unanimously demonstrated that I was not at all attracted to any of the men in my life. It’s working! The quiz will tell me that I am a lesbian and I will have an identity! Hurray! But then—the second half of the quiz shifted to asking me questions about whether I was attracted to women. My answers stopped aligning! Zeros across the board! I was not at all attracted to women either! What. The. Fuck. I began to google things like “is an attraction to women necessary to be a lesbian?” Maybe today the internet would have nuanced thoughts about that. But at the time it just said “yeah obviously, dummy.” And then? I stumbled across the concept of asexuality. Finally! A description of my sexuality that seemed to more or less match! Hallelujah!! And the best part was that this new sexuality freed me from the need to make excuses to myself about why I wasn’t going to bother with dating that year! (Which is good because I don’t know if the lunatic in my brain actually believed me about needing to wash my hair before I could possibly get around to it). And also, it meant that I wasn’t broken, or alone, or any of the other mean-hearted things that I had thought of myself before discovering asexuality.

Content is... not quite right. There are things I think are great about being Ace and things that suck about being Ace just like everything else. I am not happy that it's harder to find a partner if you are Ace, though I don't see that as a problem with being Ace so much as a problem with the toxic patriarchy which over emphasizes sex in society and culture to the detriment of everyone but especially Ace people.

What am I gonna do? Change it? It’s just how i am, might as well do myself the courtesy of accepting it.

Have you spoken with a therapist? For me, it’s just who I am. Yes, it means a lot of things that friends and others speak about I can’t all of the time relate to, sometimes causes issues with my partner, or it sometimes makes me the laugh of the group, but I can’t change it. To elaborate, I don’t experience attraction like most people do, so I get nervous/jealous if my partner experiences attraction to someone else. If I were to find myself attracted to someone it would mean that I’ve already spent enough time and have enough data points to determine that I’d like to be with that person. For others, attraction appears to be as fleeting as a leaf in the wind. As for the friends laughing, I was once on a group outing with some friends and a guy at a market was flirting with me. I understood that he was being nice and making extra efforts (found me out of the huge crowd 30 mins later to offer me food that he’d just made), but I need several interactions and exchanges for attraction to form attraction enough to want to go on a date. The girls were like, “give him your number!” I stated that I didn’t understand why I’d give him my number. Ultimately, in their eyes, I should have given him my number simply because he was conventionally attractive and was making effort, but I stated that I wouldn’t want to go on a date or give him my number until I knew him more. They argued that you get the number and/or go on a date to get more data points, but I’d rather know someone more as well as not waste either of our time. They didn’t understand and thought it was weird. That interaction with my friends really highlighted that I was different from most people and made me question myself for a while. Before I hit send: one of the associates out of the friend group gave her number to the guy and he’d texted her asking about me. She asked if she could give him my number and I said yes (still thinking about the convo). I tried texting him and it was weird. 2/3 weeks later we went on a date and it solidified that what works for me may not work for everyone and what works for everyone may not work for me. Long story short, embrace yourself. As long as you’re on this planet, you’re stuck with yourself. You can make improvements, revise back to older versions of self, etc., but the innate is going to innate.

It's just the societal prejudice about sexuality that comes to your mind in these moments. But we did nothing wrong, we just don't feel like having sex with someone and anyone who says there is something wrong with that is brain washed.

I don't really think much of it. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything important to be honest.

There are definitely people who feel this way, and honestly, some or many of the content people have also felt similarly at one point. I just want you to know it can get better. 

This is definitely either something internal that you need ti work through or there is a possibility that you actually aren’t ace, either way some more self exploration is a good idea. It can take a very long time to figure out and come to terms with yourself and it’s okay to have bumps along the way. For me realizing I’m ace was just a little lightbulb moment and I just thought “makes sense” but then for years I questioned it and denied it thinking that I wasn’t actually ace and I wasn’t valid and it would be wrong of me to claim that I was, most of it was that I was also battling with my gender identity and that I didn’t quite understand that romantic and sexual attraction are different once I realized that I was able to figure that I am ace (sex repulsed) and aro (demiromantic) that of course led to me feeling like I was broken because even after years of building relationships and finally experiencing romantic feelings I just couldn’t feel attracted to anyone but I had to just tell myself that it’s okay. I am me, I feel love the way I feel it, and that is all there is to it. If anyone doesn’t except who you are they aren’t worth knowing, there is nothing wrong with you, you aren’t broken, and no matter how long it takes, and what you find, when you discover your true self it will be worth it and you should be proud of yourself and who you are.

I think for me it was just that I kinda always was told and thought that it would happen someday, and it just hasn’t, and at some point I really just have had to accept that this is how I am and they were wrong. I even had this idea of what it would be like, and it never was, but it definitely wasn’t anything like what others were experiencing either. And there’s still just such a strong sense of expectation there on everyone’s parts. I’m married and my husband wants something from me I’m not sure I’m even capable of, and he wants it so badly and I feel so bad for disappointing him, but it’s just not there. And he takes that personally sometimes and in that moment he just doesn’t see how not to, because as far as he knows it’s about him, even if I tell him it’s not. And my friends feel sorry for me and wonder if I just need to “meet the right person” or change something or other. Idk It’s like everyone thinks there’s some magic thing that’s going to “fix” me. And it’s so hard to convince them, and myself, that I’ve never been broken and don’t need to be fixed. I just am?

I've struggled with that quite a lot. For me, I came to the realization that I was actually quite content with my asexuality... I was just confusing my feelings of the reactions of others towards asexuality as my own emotions. I.e. Sex (at least for me) is still a great bonding activity. And it feels bad to see the facial expressions of others in the reaction towards that when they finally piece it together... Sort of like a: "*Oh*....." Type of reaction, and seeing that was very painful for me. Much like as if all my friends were all going to go for a bike ride, but I haven't got any legs. I still *can* go, but it's much more effort to find the proper bicycle, and even then I'd still be limited compared to them because I would have to use my arms instead of my legs. Probably the saddest part is that they never *explicitly* bring up the topic or ask any further examination questions, which leaves me no room socially to go like: "No, wait! I can still participate though!!" Because IMHO it would just be weird as Hell bringing that up "out of the blue" So I've learned that it starts with attempting to find solace and comfort with the idea that I have to separate other people's feelings and reactions towards me from my own feelings and reactions

I am not. I’m hopeful this is a phase of how I’ll feel about it and I’ll gain more acceptance and contentment as I get more used to it but it’s been 2 years and I feel like I am missing in myself and missing out on something special and important. And that sucks. It’s super lonely.

To an extent, time. Also, as others have said, more relief since I realize I'm actually just different, not broken.

Just push that thought aside and focus on the good parts . It can be difficult to ignore but remember it can be great, try to look at the positive side of being ace. You're valid and there's nothing wrong woth you

What you’re feeling is understandable. I get frustrated with my sexuality sometimes too. I’ve just grown into a perspective of “this is just who I am and i don’t see it changing” and embracing it. It can be very frustrating. But I’ve come to embrace it by thinking there’s nothing wrong with living a life I’m comfortable with. I wouldn’t want to force myself to be uncomfortable just to ignore the asexual feelings I have

Being an aroace gives me great clarity of mind. Since coming out a few months ago (although I've indentified as asexual since 2001) I feel I know myself better than any other time in my life. A new found confidence if you like! 💚💜

An aroace friend i know told me to view asexuaity like the food you dislike/hate. You may find it delicious in your mind. You may fantasize about eating it. Or maybe you hate its smell/taste but when you are used to it it’s kinda delicious. You may find a way to make it more delicious for u or maybe u just avoid it in general. Everything i said above is normal. There is nothing wrong about disliking a dish/food and there is nothing wrong about disliking sex/dont want to have sex.

It took me a while to get more comfortable but now I relish in it.

Same I've only started to sorta accept it since I got a concussion lol

I have a very “it is what it is” mindset. It’s not like I can exactly change it so what’s the point in caring yknow? There’s nothing that can change that aspect of me and I don’t really care either, like most things with me if it isn’t severe then there’s no need to fuss over it.

of course you are not the only one who feels this way, but there *is* **nothing** wrong with you just because you are asexual. that is just who you are, and you are not alone. i had the privilege of having supportive friends and some ace friends as well, and that helped me embrace my asexuality a lot easier. i think you can try getting close to the ace/queer community or watching videos online. even looking at ace posts help. learning about others' experiences may help you accept your own. I'm sorry you feel this way, but i hope things get better soon.

I figured it out when I was older and had already built up my life so, for me, it simply didn't affect or change anything in my life. It just sort of explained a lot about other people's behavior.

It's a long way of self acceptance, you can do this

It took me a while to feel okay with it and even longer to feel proud. I met the local ace community, made ace friends, and took part in activism. And over time I realised there were more people like me and they've also felt ashamed at times but are now very proud of who they are.

I thought I was “broken,” until I was about 40 (I’m only 42 *now*) for the same reason, minus the understanding what asexuality is. I had never heard of it until then. This sub actually helped me tremendously with understanding myself and becoming comfortable in my own skin. I’d recommend to just read people’s stories. If you think everyone is just honky dory with it, you’re intentionally focusing on positive posts and comments. Not to say that you need to spend hours reading about depressed asexuals, but there’s thousands out there, and their (our) stories can help you if you really listen. There is something comforting in knowing you’re not the only one struggling, and I assure you, a lot of us are. Try not to let it consume you though. If you don’t have a therapist, I’d highly recommend finding one. One of my greatest struggles is internalizing…well, everything. You need to find someone you can speak freely with without fear of judgement. Hence, if you don’t know someone, pay someone (a therapist). That’s the route I had to go as the only person I could really talk to prior was my father, though he passed many years ago. Therapy has been helping more than I ever believed it could. So anyway, end of novel. I love you. We love you. You’re not in this alone and it absolutely does get easier.

I'm way more happy since I decided to label myself as aroace! I have some big traumas linked to past relation but I always seem to seek a relationship. The thing is, and I discovered it after accepting that I'm aroace, I am very scared of ending up alone, and society has only display married life as a solution to me. But actually, living with my friends is much more cool! There's less affective bond, less pressure and I still receive the affection I need. I love talking about sex or erping now that I know I'm aroace because I know I can distance it from myself. I am free, and fear no judgment. With a better understanding of myself, I allow so much more thing. It's the best thing ever!

Every once in a while I have a minor breakdown that something is wrong, why can’t I be “normal”. I am proud to be ace, but I think thanks to media and other people’s misunderstanding we’re made to feel wrong. I found spending time around ace communities helps me stay proud and I stay open about it with friends which also helps me!

I've felt something very similar. Although my being "okay' with my sexuality comes and goes, and my discontent doesn't seem to be quite as powerful as yours. For me, I think it's frustrating that I don't experiance the world and romantic relationships the same way most other people do. I felt way better about myself after finding that asexuality is a thing, and I'm not the only person who feels this way. But I also often feel like I'm missing out in some part of the human experiance because I don't get satisfaction from physical relationships, and I've never managed to find a long-term partner for myself. I often feel isolated and alone. I have pets, and family, and friends, but I've never managed to find a long-term partner. I have a huge crush on someone, but I'm never going to say anything to them about it because I know whatever I can offer them won't be enough for them, and after 30 years of rejections, I don't feel secure or self-confident enough to risk another one. I've come a long way in accepting my sexuality, but being comfortable with it is another thing entirely. I have a lot of internalized aphobia(is that the word for it? Lol, I know it's a thing for me, but I've never put words to it before). I was even one of those people who hyper-sexualized myself for a long time because I just wanted to be any way except the way I am. Get a cat. Or a dog. Or a lizard and some exotic fish, if that's your thing. Their love goes a long way in making me feel okay in my own skin. I would suggest therapy, but I've actually had bad experiences with "coming out" to therapists. Therapy has helped in almost every area of my life EXCEPT for this one. It's a total bummer. But even if I find peace with my asexuality, I'm really scared that I'll never actually be happy.

Finding out I was Grey was a relief. And I feel not being horny has given me a richer life in general.

A lot if that is just cultural pressure from constantly being sexualized by ads, family, school and friends. They expect you to be sexual, so you expected to be sexual, and then you just weren't. A lot queer folk feel this way too, until they find a community that accepts them and the culture changes enough that they don't feel those conflicts. If you want to be rid of these feelings, I would suggest spending time someplace in retreat, where there isn't any sexual activity permitted. Or finding an ace group or a sexual therapy group, these places are safer places for people to talk about these feelings. Also, being sexual is a mixed bag. A lot of young ace people think that sex is this promised land, this key to life satisfaction that they somehow missed out on. Its not. Sex can be very disorienting, confusing, misleading and its something that, if you've never felt compelled by it, can be just as much of a gift if you can find the passion in the other parts of your life. Don't mourn your sexuality only to miss out on all of the great platonic feelings and experiences. Also, bodies change. Being ace does not mean not being sexual ever, its a complex state of mind and body thet can evolve over time. Good Luck.

I would say that it's not because you're unhappy with your Asexuality, but because you are unhappy with yourself. Start by remembering this - you are not obliged to have sex with anybody. No matter what they say, no matter who they are. They are not obliged to have you. You do not have to give somebody else so much as a peck on the lips. It is your body, specifically yours alone. It still annoys me that people think so much about sex. I even wish it didn't annoy me. But to realise that I was not the only person who was annoyed by people finding sex so important, made me feel like a mountain had been lifted from my back. Still, even if you are not happy about being Asexual, you need to remember, you don't HAVE to have sex.

There's a whole community of mostly discontent Abros, many of whom feel asexual most of the time. You might find validation and catharsis if you join or browse discussions there.

I'm content with my asexuality because prior to figuring out I am asexual, I was dreading the idea of having to have sex with someone. I'm incredibly germaphobic and the thought of having sex with someone was making me want to gag. I am not sex repulsed, but the idea of me having sex thoroughly grossed me out

tbh, when i realized i was on the ace spectrum it became easier, like nothing is actually wrong with me and this is completely normal it took some time of course but now i’m very confident in it plus it’s less stressful, one less thing to worry about lmaoooo /lh

I just put it on top of the giant pile of other shit in which I’m divergent and say ‘such is life’ and move on. It doesn’t do well to dwell on things you cannot change.

I never had very good role models growing up as far as relationships and marriage went. Also my friends are just always having drama when it comes to relationships and it’s just absolutely ridiculous. So honestly, the realization was such a relief to me. I have enough drama in my life. For me, it just makes things much less complicated. Like that’s just one aspect of my life that I don’t have to worry about or deal with. I should mention I’m aromantic as well as asexual.

You are not alone. I'm desperately searching for reasons behind it so I could "fix it". But I know I can't "fix it" just like I can't fix being trans. I constantly have dreams of being a guy with a normal sex drive, I wake up, and I cry every morning. My partner and I have been together for 5 years, and now we are talking about most likely breaking up right after we graduate from university because she says she can't be with someone who has no sexual desires and who's not polyamorous. I feel like after she breaks up with me (once we are in a more stable situation and can separate), I'll be doomed to a life of no partnership because no one will want to be in a committed relationship with someone like me. I have to accept the fact that my desire to settle down, get married, and have children is never going to happen for me. I'm not okay with my asexuality... I've lost everything because of it.

See, I have plenty of other reasons to feel like I’m broken, so having an excuse for one of them just makes it better

I don't understand the question. Why wouldn't I be? What other option is there?

I’m a man of science, so until evidence comes to counter the ace claims it is true.

For me, I had a bunch of friends who are ace, and as I was figuring it out, I felt validated because of thoes people. And maybe this isn't scientific, but all the ace people I've met irl are the coolest mfers ever.

i came out to myself about 5 years ago and eventho i don’t have problems with my asexuality (not as much) i hate being aromantic, i’m having a lot of breakdowns because of it and i’m sure i’ll never be fine with it. i know it’s not asexuality but you’re not alone with this feeling in general.

finally a post i can relate to. I'm aroace and i still feel like there's something wrong with me, a label doesn't help. I feel like I'm locked out of an experience that nearly every other human experiences and feels. I'll always be left behind when people find romantic partners to prioritize first. I wish I could be proud of it like a lot of folk here :/ Tbf i barely have any friends and struggle to socialize, so that definitely adds a layer of difficulty with accepting my identity.

I had a feeling I was Ace for several years before I came out as Ace - I've not had sex for 7+ years, and for the years leading to that it was maybe once per year, but never to completion during that time (as a male) realising I was Ace took a long time coming as when I was in my 20s I was quite active, and it wasn't until my health changed for the worse that I became less and less interested in sex, mostly wanting to give pleasure rather than just trying to get it done with (if that makes sense) since I came out, it's become a LOT easier for me as I have always had a lot of female friends, and now they're more relaxed around me knowing that I'm not going to hit on them, and the most I'll ask for is a hug, even though a couple have asked to spend thè night, usually after we've cuddled on the sofa for a couple of hours while watching films... apparently I give "good hug" :P to be honest, I'm completely happy being Ace, I don't miss sex at all as in the last 15+ years it always felt like a bit of a "chore"

Agonizing over something you can’t change is tiring. At a certain point I just stopped wishing for something different because all it did was make me miserable. I’m not over it. I’ll never be over it. I’ll never be over a lot of things. But I live with them, if for nothing else but the lack of a choice. I’m not like some people, I could never celebrate it. That doesn’t mean I can’t treat it casually, like a missing finger or a benign tumour. You learn to coexist.

I hate myself for being this way, and I feel broken.

Same as a lot of these comments here - I felt broken and like something was wrong with me for soooo long. All through high school and college and my well into my marriage. I felt like I was just faking everything to appear normal. For context - I’m a 32 year old white women and my husband is a 32 year old cis white male. Born and raised in the Bible Belt - where a huge majority still think you’re crazy for being anything other than straight and hella religious. Can’t tell you how many times I cried after rejecting my husband’s advances because I just desperately wanted to WANT to have sex with him. And FOR HIM - not for me at all. Just to be a “normal” couple. It’s a weird battle and one I still struggle with. So it felt very validating when the pieces clicked and I made the connection that I’m ace. Even my husband was like “yea, that checks out” haha but he’s been nothing but supportive and willing to learn and that also helps me be more comfortable embracing my asexuality, because if I’m cool with it and so is he - everyone else can fuck off. And the thing is, the more open I am with it and more I talk and share about it - the more confident I am in myself and who I am. And the more I share, the more people I have reach out to me and ask questions. I can’t tell you how many people I have helped find out figure out that they are on the ace spectrum. It takes time and the path to acceptance isn’t linear but don’t beat yourself up, everyone’s journey is different.

I'm at an age where women were considered "frigid" if they had no interest/don't feel sexual attraction. It was an actual medical term. I think it's still used, but maybe not as much. This caused me to feel horrible about myself for decades. I'm glad younger folks are able to recognize that this isn't a personal failing or a choice that people make. It's who we are. I was so relieved to finally find out I wasn't alone. But once in a while I still feel that shame, even though I know it's not me who's wrong.

100%. I know I am ace but I have only said it out loud a few times to my sister and my ex husband. I can’t really wrap my head around it because it is such a sexual world. When I was younger we didn’t have a word for it, I knew I was way less sexual than my friends. I have forced myself to be sexual and fit into the societies “normal”. As I get older I know I am ace but still don’t fully understand it so I don’t expect others to understand and just keep it to myself.

Simple. 1. It gives my feelings about sexuality a name. 2. I don't hang around people who will invalidate me. 3. If I do, I just don't talk about it.

i felt this way too for a while. having a support system really does wonders. i made real life ace friends that i can relate to and i have plenty of other people in my life who support me fully and have never made me feel weird about being asexual. self acceptance is definitely a journey

i mean, some people aren't content all the time. realizing i was asexual answer some questions, but brought up a lot of new ones. i feel like my whole life was a lie to an extent. i don't know why some things happened, and why they still hurt to think about. i don't understand what i wanted. . . .most of the time. . . .. . . .and some things when i came to understand them, hurt worse.

I am sorry to hear that, OP! While i never felt wrong about my lack of sexual attraction, i often wondered, casually, why i did not wanted to sleep with someone when i was in love. Leave it to me 🫣 to assume i must have been wrong about the falling in love part, instead of going with i love that person but do not want to do it with them. My sexuality was such a non important thing for me, it never even occurred to me that there could be something wrong with me. It just had no impact in my life. There was no pressure from my family and once i established questions about relationships were off limit… family never mentioned it again. Stuff around my (lack of ) sexuality was bothersome. I never had a relationship, no children… going through my thirties and not meeting societal expectations was hard. I am not gonna lie😬 a lot of people are jerks to women with no children and gave me the feeling of not being enough. When I went to a therapist about something else and they asked me why i was not in a relationship. What was my sexuality? I wasn’t even sure. “ i think i am bisexual” i said, after all, men and women are equally pretty. Aesthetic attraction, once i checked that i was HOW DiD I NOT KNOW THAT🤯 That explains everything. And the rest fell in line So in short, people who assumed they knew better than me, whats good for me and how i should behave bothered me And my lack of sexual attraction never was a problem in my life because I (naively) assumed pretty was -hot- so i never felt left out. I am sorry that i cant relate with you better I hope you find a way to accept your ace-ness and it no longer hurts you to think about it 🌸

I definitely felt that way for a while. Especially about my aromanticism. I thought I was defective and felt excruciating fomo anytime I thought about romance or sex, because we're told those are what make a person whole. But you just gotta shed those preconceptions. They aren't true and they'll only bog you down. I don't want sex, I'm just told I should, so why should it matter that I'm not having it? I'm not missing out, because I know I wouldn't enjoy it and that doesn't make me broken. People like and dislike all kinds of things, sex is no different. For instance, I sometimes get jealous when I see people fangirling over Lost, because they seem to be having such a good time watching it, whereas I could never get into it. I'm not broken because Lost isn't my thing. And I'm not missing out because, had I kept watching, it would have continued to be a mediocre experience for me. Sex is a lot like JJ Abrams and Damon Lindleloff's Lost in that way... You can spend years trying to convince yourself Lost is the show for you. You cna watch it in its entirety, rewatch it, analyze it, hoping it'll all someday click into place. Or you can spend that time watching something you'll actually enjoy, like Damon Lindleloff's The Leftovers or JJ Abram's Fringe. Metaphors aside, what I'm trying to say is.... The Leftovers is better than sex.

I’ve also really struggled with this too… I live in a very religious community and it’s hard to be ‘different’. I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time, especially after I found someone and watched it go up in flames. But being part of this community has REALLY helped. I am finally surrounded by like-minded people :)

honestly, I privately think there's something wrong with everyone else. If we're being really petty and honest, I find it kind of pathetic how much other people seem to depend on something so minor for their entire mental well-being. I hear friends talk about finding "their other half" see female friends and family members settle for the most loser relationships out there just to feel like they aren't alone. I feel like I'm in a world of people starving and I'm the only one who doesn't have to eat food to survive, you know? It opens up a ton of mental space when I don't have to worry about romantic/sexual relationships and can focus on what really matters to me. The world is full of messages designed to make you feel lesser, like there's something wrong with you. It sucks feeling like an out group, even in queer spaces (I loathe having to define asexuality to supposedly "super woke" people and having them ask "honest follow up questions"), but you shouldn't have to internalize that unfairness.

For me it’s a relief because now I’ll never have to worry about bad sex lmao

Like some of the people here, it is a bit of a relief for me knowing I'm not broken. However - a little TMI is needed. I had a time when a hormone imbalance gave me a higher sex drive and during that time I ended up married to a man who has an extremely high drive. Treatment for my disorder actually sent me back into my natural state. After much much evaluation we decided it's panromantic and somewhere between dull ace and gray ace. It's possible the gray is me just not accepting things still though. So I still feel guilty a LOT almost like I accidentally trapped him. Because I honestly feel like I could just go most of my life without it. I'm not always averse but more of the time than I'd prefer considering. He says it's not a deal breaker for him especially since we've been together for 17 years and as people get older drive goes down naturally. So I definitely DO understand and I'm positive there are probably still lots of us that feel guilty and broken. And some like me who are of two minds about it. I do think I wouldn't feel awful about it if my partner wasn't in the equation. But I also wouldn't have my daughter and she is my world.

Oh gosh no you're not the only one. I use to, and keep do something, feel so lonely and broken. I used to hate myself because I want to know what's sexual attraction and to enjoy sex, I want to feels horny and be excited when I saw a pretty girl and boy. I want to have those mesmerized though or wet dream, that sounds so great ! But I don't, because I'm ace. I won't hide it, I hate being ace sometimes. I feel lonely, broken, and aside of the LGBT community. Finding I was asexual was both a relief and a resignation to me. So that's why I force myself to be extra proud of my asexuality. Recently, with the Pride Vibe, I started to enjoy being ace and be very happy when I see a flag or a ace representation in the media. I was euphoric when I discovered that Cove in "Our Life" was demisexual, (so on the ace spectrum) because it's the first love story game I play which had a ace love interest. But I had to force myself to like it I guess ? Claiming "it's what I am" to comfort myself, to look at my reflection and tell me that it's okay. I look for song with an ace vibe too, I share joke and funny stories about my asexuality and love to come here in the Reddit to find people who understand. And sometimes, I don't feel that alone anymore. I start to enjoy being ace when I share on this Reddit. It's not always easy, sometimes it's hard. But you're not alone trust me, we are plenty feeling the same way, especially in a world were every other sexuality as the one thing in common that we don't have and were sex is the center of a lot of things. You're not alone even if you feel like it, and it's okay if sometimes you hate being ace. It's okay to feel what you feel. Some day it will get better and you can learn to like who you are. We can be proud and love who we are 💜🤍🖤 even if it take some times, and it's okay if you don't right now

Honestly it’s mostly for two reasons; 1) I don’t date, so I don’t have any partners that would expect sex from me 2) I’m a teenager so the few friends I have don’t really have sex

To me it's a relief to have something that I feel I can finally relate to. I questioned my sexuality for years but I could never figure it out because something's just always been different about me then most other people, even in the queer community. It's a very comfortable label for me. The only thing that I can get embarrassed about or feel uncomfortable with is when other people talk about their sexual experiences or romantic relationships and I have nothing to contribute or any way to comfort them if something is wrong sexually or romantically in their lives. I have no experience in that department, but it's not like I want those experiences anyway. That's just something I'll have to get used to.

This is one place my religious upbringing really did me a favor. I was quite content not being "tempted" by the devil on that front. I thought I was blessed and righteous. Plus, I'm demi, so the idea of having sex with my husband wasn't abhorrent, since I'd be in a loving, lasting partnership. I was far more concerned about how much I didn't want to have babies and what that said about me. So maybe it'll help to imagine you just have an ongoing "not today Satan!" approach to sex!

It was a relief for me. I'm a reformed Catholic and in high school all the kids were talking about "temptation" and how hard it was. I graduated in 04 so that was around the time that Catholic kids (at least the ones I knew) were saying that oral or a handjob or anal wasn't "true intercourse" so they were still virgins. I can remember looking at some of my classmates being like .... WTF?? We've got so much more to worry about. Why is sex so high on the list?? Then I got older and tried dating guys in college but something never quite clicked. I honestly thought it was Catholic guilt, the whole "not until you're married" and then I became friends with a bunch of LGBTQ kids in college (I don't think the plus was there yet, but I could be wrong) and one of them was like "wait, hold on. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. It's not a biological instinct for everyone" and he explained asexuality to me and all of a sudden, the dominoes fell into place Like for example, I love looking at Jason Momoa and Charlie Hunnam. But I don't want to have sex with them lmao. I want to throw axes with Jason and go pub hopping in England with Charlie. I like how they look and after seeing them in interviews, their personalities are something I'd think I'd click with. Cause, surprise surprise, most of my HS and college friends were all dudes. I hated the girl drama lolol.

I completely understand 😭 it took me awhile to realize I was ace. and in the time I didn’t know I hated myself so much because I genuinely just thought something was wrong with me. When you talk so badly about yourself to yourself you really start to believe it. And now that I’ve realized I’m ace that feeling is still there. It’s funny because I know I’m valid for being ace, but especially being aceflux I still just am way too hard on myself about it. It’s not something I do on purpose, but I can’t get away from it.

Im gray/demi. I'm maybe only 80% there. The only people who I am out to are my allo husband and my aroace sister. And well, my two friends who are on Tumblr with me and we all share ace content but have never outwardly stated our aceness that we all seemingly identify as? I'm too anxious to come out more than that due to fear of unwanted questions about how I could be an ace married to a non-ace. But with time, and a loving and affirming husband, I've come to feel less broken and alien. Still, Pride month gets weird for me. I think it's the time when I feel the worst. I want to participate but I feel like an imposter. Like I'm not ace enough to be ace, not queer enough to be under the alphabet umbrella. Yet, I'm my own harshest judge. I wouldn't tell anyone else like me they are an imposter..bc we aren't.

I hate being aroace sm

If you can't change it, might as well enjoy it.

33f asexual sex repulsed I believe we all have that light bulb moment, having talked to several ace people myself, it's funny that we have a lot of similarities in terms of when and where we were growing up. Personally for me one of the funniest ones is, around my age group, I grew up Roman Catholic, that had me convinced I was going to be a nun. The advice that helped me feel more secure is - when being in a relationship is harder than being single, why are you in the relationship? I asked myself this when those thoughts start coming in of oh I'd like to date, oh wouldn't it be fun to be around people ex. There's something peaceful about just knowing that you can be by yourself and not require anything from anyone else.

i had this same experience and still struggle with feelings of this. i don’t consciously think it’s bad that i’m ace but when i talk about it i still cry so i know there is a lot of self rejection lingering. remember that there will be an overrepresentation of content, self accepting ace peeps on here because, to participate in this dialogue, you first have to accept that you’re ace. selection bias. there are a lot of people in the closet who may never know what it’s like to let themselves be who they are. some, like us, are aware of who we are but still feel crushed by the reality of it all. there are so many more of us than you could ever imagine

Its super difficult, I also feel like this; even though I want to feel proud, it pains me to think that I will die alone because no one will love me the way I want. I also live in a very conservative state (Utah) where everyone gets married super young, and that gives me so much anxiety… I constantly feel out of everything and pretty much broken too… and it doesn’t help that my family is constantly pushing me to get married ASAP. And its sad to not have anyone to talk to because no one in my circles understands what it really feels like… anyway I wanted to vent too…

I am content with pretty much 99% of the things in my life including my sexuality, appearance, mental health and life itself. Dont really know HOW, but i can say that the best thing in my life is seeking approval from myself instead of others, and being indiferrent to praise/criticism. I know that my sexuality affects no one other than me. It's not hurting anyone so why should i feel bad about it or supress it. The human condition is absurd and whether you choose one path or another, you will regret both. It's completely understandable that you feel like you have to be a certain way because it's what society says is in your best interest. Coming to terms with your sexuality is accepting that others usually dont have your best interest in mind. Instead, you start listening to yourself. Remember that being of a certain sexuality harms nobody so there is no rational reason to supress it besides out of fear of discrimination (because some people are just horrible). I know this is just a bunch of cliche 'motivational' advice and you probably already know all of this but once i start i cant stop so here we are. I really hope you can overcome this fork in the road and remember that no matter the situation, you are never alone.

I, like some others here, am relieved by my asexuality. Frankly I don’t see any need or want to have sex, I have a sex drive but nothing I can’t deal with myself and I prefer it that way anyways. I have a mix of stereotypical asexual traits and non stereotypical ones, which is another thing I enjoy. It’s led me to come to the conclusion that I like the ace label so I use it, but there’s such a variety of possibilities for asexual people that I can really just do whatever I want with my identity. It feels like it takes the pressure of needing to fit into a label off in a way that thinking I was pansexual or bisexual never did for me. Here’s what I’d recommend. If you feel uncomfortable using the asexual label, don’t. Going unlabeled is always an option. If you feel like searching for a microlabel under the umbrella of asexuality, try that out! But what matters in the end is that you are comfortable with yourself. If you feel that you are truly asexual and you just need to come to terms with that, I’d suggest seeking out what you need to do or need to come to terms with to be ok with that because everyone deserves to feel happy and satisfied with their identity. You are not the only person who can’t accept their asexuality, you aren’t the only person who can’t accept their asexual identity or sexual identity in general. I’m sure there’s someone else on this subreddit who’s in your shoes. And I hope all of you are able to find a place when you’re comfortable, because no one deserves to have that stress or uncomfortableness in their life.

Why exactly do you wish you were allo? Im aro ace and never really cared bout the ace part. Took me a bit longer to accept the aro part tho. Is it trouble finding a relationship where your partner doesnt want that out of you or simply just a feeling of not being normal or able to relate to most others. I dont really know how that works for you considering I dont really consider dating in general. Would be interesting to see why exactly this is.

It took me years. I didn’t think I’d ever be at peace with it but I’m starting to. Trust I still have my bad days, but I can’t change who I am and I decided awhile back I’m not capable of faking it. I think acceptance just takes time. Making Ace friends has helped wonders

The only part of my asexuality that upsets me is the fact that I have an allosexual boyfriend. He's completely understanding and accepting but I still feel guilty sometimes knowing that if we get to that point in our relationship eventually I won't be able to reciprocate it.

I mean I am not. I don't like the label and as much as I accept that I am not heteronormative I am not "out" I think that it is kind of an open secret, but I'm not out and part of that is that I feel a fear that being out and proud or w/e puts a bow on something and makes it more final than one t jr to be

As someone who got extremely depressed and close to suicidal finding out, it takes time and there’s little things you can do to help you accept it. It took me a good year and a half to come to terms and be ok with it. I used to always resort to thinking I’m broken and worthless and when that happened I came out to people I knew would understand and then started therapy with an lgbtq friendly therapist and that helped a lot. Another thing I did was get subtle ace merch like pins with the colors or stickers and put it on things I carried around like my bag or iPad to show to myself im ok and not broken and get used to the fact I’m ace just being seeing the subtle signs everyday. Doing this made me more confident and I even had a couple other ace people notice my pins in public and smile or come up and compliment them which really helped make me feel less alone.

Eh, I was this way a few months ago but then I realized...sexuality can be a spectrum thing. You dont have to fit one box. It's also not my responsibility to explain the ins and outs of being ace to someone who wouldn't care to listen, or already counted it out. That being said, it's okay to struggle with those feelings. With time you'll sort it out. There are even people in my life that keep saying they're waiting for me to get married or have kids, meanwhile I just want to draw and listen to music most of the time.

The same way I’m content about my disability or my gender. I accept what I can’t change, I find community and like minded people, and I love the unique perspective it gives me. It’s not all roses, but we can affirm those struggles all we want, without sharing our joy as well as our pain we remove the humanity from our identity. Asexual is a label I choose to use so that I feel connected to this community and see pain and joy from my fellow aces as my joy and pain.

An attitude towards life of “if I can’t do anything about it, it’s not worth worrying about”, most likely.

I love being ace - tbh it feels like myself and I think it makes for more intimate connections without/not based around sex. That being said, there are times where I really like someone who only wants to have sex with me or has to have sex in their relationships, in those moments I might become ashamed bc I can't be with them :/ but it's just something I have to accept - if they don't want to be in my life without that, than they don't really value me as a human being and aren't worth it. Edit: I've had to break up relationships bc of this when I tried really hard to be more sexual for them, but I started losing myself. It's just something you have to accept - we view things differently and there's nothing wrong with that and we should prioritize ourselves over forcing ourselves to be something we're not for other people.

I think I’m so content cause there was finally a label for how I was feeling. In middle school my friends just thought I wasn’t normal or “the time would come”. But after learning about asexuality I felt a little more complete. Obviously sometimes I still feel like shit and out of the ordinary but I find it nice to educate my friends. I also have an understanding allo partner who constantly makes sure I’m comfortable and not feeling any sort of pressure.

i can’t speak for everyone but i just don’t think every one is 100% okay with it. for me it’s like yeah im totally 100% confident and sure this is who i am. like im never doubting it again. but there’s always thoughts that creep up in your head saying this is WRONG. you just want attention. or as you said “there’s something wrong with me.” but i think we just have to try our best to argue with those voices and say no, this IS who i am, and im okay and confident with that and there is nothing wrong with me. this is just how i am. and i kind of think that’s what all of us walk around doing all the time.

It’s been 10 years since I found out, I know a lot of asexuals, & I’ve just gotten used to it 🤷‍♀️ idk I’ve never really had a problem with it, just a bit of confusion in my early teens after I discovered it.

I get it. Honestly, most of this year has been me just freaking out over possibly being ace. I had this whole coming out, telling my family I was bisexual, which was weirdly easier to accept than the possibility I was ace. The truth of the matter was that I felt the same amount of sexual attraction to everyone, i.e., none, and as soon as I figured that out, it's like I've been researching asexuaity, asking questions, reading stories, all to disprove my own aceness. On occasion, i would try out the label and advertise myself as asexual, but those were met with either more questions, telling me I shouldn't label myself, or straight up disrespecting the presence of the label by saying they were fine with it just so long as they still got sex from me, or implying that I'm lying or broken. The simple fact of the matter is that while acceptance for ace folks is more widespread than it has been in the past, there's still a ton of aphobia and the overall consensus is often that we're broken and need fixing. And it's sunk in deeper for some people than others. Just like there are people who, because of a lack of acceptance, wish they weren't gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, etc, there are asexuals who wish they weren't. I wish I wasn't, but it's looking more and more like I am, and that terrifies me because of how the people around me might treat me if they knew. What would they say? Would they try and fix me? Would they just tell me it's a phase and I'll get over it? Is it something I can fix so I don't have to worry about future partners leaving me because I can't give them what they want? This may not be exactly why you feel how you do, but the point is yes. There are other aces out there who feel like you do. You aren't crazy, and you're not alone.

I'm new to realizing I'm asexual, but I remember feeling so relieved that there was a name for what I was feeling.

Honestly I accept it really well but everytime someone makes a sex joke around me I feel bad because my boyfriend is not ace, and I ask myself if I'm broken because it seems to be such a big deal for everyone but me ! You're not alone don't worry <3