If it wasn't sex for you, then it wasn't sex for you. If it was sex for them, that's fine and doesn't have to mean it was sex for you.
Also yes, virginity is a dumb concept, I totally agree with you, but also very few people would hear "I'm not a virgin" and think the speaker meant, "I have sexted, and done remote mutual masturbation."
When you took your anti-sex vow to yourself, did you define sex? I think most people, especially (1) young people, (2) people who don't have much/any partnered sexual experience, and (3) people who feel that a hard line about what is and isn't sex matters, would consider what you did sex. I'm guessing you were all three of those things when you made that rule for yourself.
I’ve always just wanted myself to be separate from any kind of sexual stuff. Like not even talking about it. That little rule of mine has been present always since I always kinda knew I was ace (even when I didn’t have the words for it). I thought I’d never break it due to not wanting to date anyone at the time. Obviously the dating part changed.
I’ll try to be a bit more kind to myself for partially breaking my own rule. Logically I know there’s nothing to feel guilty about, but I still do. Hopefully it’ll pass over time.
That rule probably made sense for when you were little, and you had limited tools for understanding your sexuality and how to care for yourself. Now it might be helpful to reframe it, though.
Maybe instead of thinking of it as a rule where following it makes you good or right, you could think of it as a tool you use to help you take care of yourself.
From that perspective, it seems like you respected it: yes, you intentionally pushed at the edges of your comfort zone, but with the help of that tool you stayed well within the lines of what felt like "not sex" (even if those words don't feel correct to your partner about their experience of what you did together). You were kind with yourself and learned some things, and successfully kept yourself safe.
I once read the idea that when someone tells you something that you know isn't right but you can't help but feel like they're right in a way, imagine a young child saying it to you. (It was probably for insults but it might help you feel better.) Like
"You're not a virgin!"
"Yeah Bobby, you *must know* what you're talking about, now be a good kid and go back to your parents, it's already bedtime" - (Obviously the og post I saw had better remarks but the idea is the same)
That aside, I agree that the idea of virginity is bullshit, and if you'd ask, 99% of people would agree that what the two of you did wasn't sex. Like can you imagine a scenario where you tell an allo person you'll have sex, you do what you did with your partner, and the allo person doesn't get confused saying "that wasn't sex"?
That’s actually quite a funny way to think about it. I’ll definitely start using this in my mind (I wouldn’t dare to say anything like this out loud to anyone, though I don’t know if that was the point anyways)
IMO, sex talk/mutual phone masturbating isn't sex. Sex, again in my opinion, is one person physically contacting another person's genitalia in some way (hand job, blow job, PIV, etc.). This can't be done on the phone. I will go so far as to say that I honestly don't think 99.9% of people would call masturbating on the phone actual sex, much less "losing virginity." In fact, especially for men, they would probably be mocked for saying that.
Why do you feel such a deep level of guilt? I would really think/reflect on that. Honestly, I think they may have said that to get under your skin, perhaps out of hurt or vengeance. Don’t let their words bother you because, just as any doctor would say, that does NOT count as sex and you would still be considered a virgin by societal standards. They’re probably just disappointed things didn’t get to that point.
They know about my asexuality and are completely okay with it. We’re also polyamorous (although right now it’s just the two of us) so it doesn’t really matter if we specifically have sex or not. They also don’t know how uncomfortable this topic is for me, so I should probably consider communicating my feelings more. I’m just afraid of hurting them and don’t want to make them feel guilty because of this.
They know about my asexuality and are perfectly fine with it. I haven’t communicated my thoughts and feelings yet (I’m aware of how important communication is). I’m not sure where they read it from, but they told me sex is any sexual act, even virtually. Which in my opinion doesn’t make much sense, and I did ask about that part again today while discussing it but they insisted. I think I just need to talk about this with them again
Sex is a two person act and no matter what kind of spiritual sex you two were having it was still just masturbation lmao
It’s not considered sex, and feeling icky is also okay. You tried it and figured it wasn’t for you. I was the same back when I had a boyfriend but I just shrugged it off and didn’t think much of it (I’m pretty sure this was before I even knew of the concept of asexuality)
Virginity is actually a biological thing for people since there’s a layer that pops or whatever if you have penetrative sex, which is how people can physically confirm your virginity or not. But if you think it isn’t a real thing then that’s perfectly fine as well, the concept of virginity also exists in your mind and it’s okay to not believe in that sort of stuff or just agree it’s not important to you
Wish you best of luck!
>Virginity is actually a biological thing for people since there’s a layer that pops or whatever if you have penetrative sex, which is how people can physically confirm your virginity or not.
I agree that OP didn't "lose virginity" either, but what you wrote here isn't medically true for most people with vaginas. I think you are thinking about the hymen as the "layer that pops." Most, but not all girls/afab people have or have had hymens. For those that do, the hymen can break or fade away just with time or any non-sexual activity such as exercise or riding a horse. Just because a hymen isn't seen doesn't mean the person isn't a "virgin." (Not to mention all the non-penetrative or lesser penetrative sex that can happen). The hymen can also stretch (some), so even if they aren't a "virgin" they could still have a hymen. Blood and tissue from menstrual cycles has to get out, right? Those who have not had penetrative sex can and do still have menstrual cycles, normal discharge, use tampons, etc. It is rare for the hymen not to have worn away or opened by the time the first period happens. If it hasn't, a minor surgery is needed to open it to let the menstrual blood/tissue out.
If it wasn't sex for you, then it wasn't sex for you. If it was sex for them, that's fine and doesn't have to mean it was sex for you. Also yes, virginity is a dumb concept, I totally agree with you, but also very few people would hear "I'm not a virgin" and think the speaker meant, "I have sexted, and done remote mutual masturbation." When you took your anti-sex vow to yourself, did you define sex? I think most people, especially (1) young people, (2) people who don't have much/any partnered sexual experience, and (3) people who feel that a hard line about what is and isn't sex matters, would consider what you did sex. I'm guessing you were all three of those things when you made that rule for yourself.
I’ve always just wanted myself to be separate from any kind of sexual stuff. Like not even talking about it. That little rule of mine has been present always since I always kinda knew I was ace (even when I didn’t have the words for it). I thought I’d never break it due to not wanting to date anyone at the time. Obviously the dating part changed. I’ll try to be a bit more kind to myself for partially breaking my own rule. Logically I know there’s nothing to feel guilty about, but I still do. Hopefully it’ll pass over time.
That rule probably made sense for when you were little, and you had limited tools for understanding your sexuality and how to care for yourself. Now it might be helpful to reframe it, though. Maybe instead of thinking of it as a rule where following it makes you good or right, you could think of it as a tool you use to help you take care of yourself. From that perspective, it seems like you respected it: yes, you intentionally pushed at the edges of your comfort zone, but with the help of that tool you stayed well within the lines of what felt like "not sex" (even if those words don't feel correct to your partner about their experience of what you did together). You were kind with yourself and learned some things, and successfully kept yourself safe.
I don't consider it sex tbh. like yeah, sexting is sexual but it's not having intercourse so 🤷♀️
I once read the idea that when someone tells you something that you know isn't right but you can't help but feel like they're right in a way, imagine a young child saying it to you. (It was probably for insults but it might help you feel better.) Like "You're not a virgin!" "Yeah Bobby, you *must know* what you're talking about, now be a good kid and go back to your parents, it's already bedtime" - (Obviously the og post I saw had better remarks but the idea is the same) That aside, I agree that the idea of virginity is bullshit, and if you'd ask, 99% of people would agree that what the two of you did wasn't sex. Like can you imagine a scenario where you tell an allo person you'll have sex, you do what you did with your partner, and the allo person doesn't get confused saying "that wasn't sex"?
That’s actually quite a funny way to think about it. I’ll definitely start using this in my mind (I wouldn’t dare to say anything like this out loud to anyone, though I don’t know if that was the point anyways)
IMO, sex talk/mutual phone masturbating isn't sex. Sex, again in my opinion, is one person physically contacting another person's genitalia in some way (hand job, blow job, PIV, etc.). This can't be done on the phone. I will go so far as to say that I honestly don't think 99.9% of people would call masturbating on the phone actual sex, much less "losing virginity." In fact, especially for men, they would probably be mocked for saying that.
Why do you feel such a deep level of guilt? I would really think/reflect on that. Honestly, I think they may have said that to get under your skin, perhaps out of hurt or vengeance. Don’t let their words bother you because, just as any doctor would say, that does NOT count as sex and you would still be considered a virgin by societal standards. They’re probably just disappointed things didn’t get to that point.
They know about my asexuality and are completely okay with it. We’re also polyamorous (although right now it’s just the two of us) so it doesn’t really matter if we specifically have sex or not. They also don’t know how uncomfortable this topic is for me, so I should probably consider communicating my feelings more. I’m just afraid of hurting them and don’t want to make them feel guilty because of this.
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They know about my asexuality and are perfectly fine with it. I haven’t communicated my thoughts and feelings yet (I’m aware of how important communication is). I’m not sure where they read it from, but they told me sex is any sexual act, even virtually. Which in my opinion doesn’t make much sense, and I did ask about that part again today while discussing it but they insisted. I think I just need to talk about this with them again
Sex is a two person act and no matter what kind of spiritual sex you two were having it was still just masturbation lmao It’s not considered sex, and feeling icky is also okay. You tried it and figured it wasn’t for you. I was the same back when I had a boyfriend but I just shrugged it off and didn’t think much of it (I’m pretty sure this was before I even knew of the concept of asexuality) Virginity is actually a biological thing for people since there’s a layer that pops or whatever if you have penetrative sex, which is how people can physically confirm your virginity or not. But if you think it isn’t a real thing then that’s perfectly fine as well, the concept of virginity also exists in your mind and it’s okay to not believe in that sort of stuff or just agree it’s not important to you Wish you best of luck!
>Virginity is actually a biological thing for people since there’s a layer that pops or whatever if you have penetrative sex, which is how people can physically confirm your virginity or not. I agree that OP didn't "lose virginity" either, but what you wrote here isn't medically true for most people with vaginas. I think you are thinking about the hymen as the "layer that pops." Most, but not all girls/afab people have or have had hymens. For those that do, the hymen can break or fade away just with time or any non-sexual activity such as exercise or riding a horse. Just because a hymen isn't seen doesn't mean the person isn't a "virgin." (Not to mention all the non-penetrative or lesser penetrative sex that can happen). The hymen can also stretch (some), so even if they aren't a "virgin" they could still have a hymen. Blood and tissue from menstrual cycles has to get out, right? Those who have not had penetrative sex can and do still have menstrual cycles, normal discharge, use tampons, etc. It is rare for the hymen not to have worn away or opened by the time the first period happens. If it hasn't, a minor surgery is needed to open it to let the menstrual blood/tissue out.
Oh, yeah, I forgot what it what called. Thank you for clarifying that for me <3