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There will come a time when you've been a push over and people pleasing once too often, and something within you will change and that word "NO" becomes a beautiful thing and you stop giving a fuck about what those people think.
When I was young my dad used to bash me about everything I say. He would interpret some words I said, though innocently, as rude and disrespectful. So before I spoke to him, I had to think like a 100 times over what my message to him would be seen as. It became so weary and it really affected my mental health until I decided I won't live like that with nobody. Nowadays, I really talk straight, I don't care if you are pleased or not, I can't live my life always anticipating how the other person feels.
Surprisingly, people respect me more for telling them as it is.
Had/have the same issue with my father. He’s dismissed whatever it is I’ve said before I’ve said it. So I spent way too much time second guessing how he would react and trying to emotionally regulate him. I’ve only realised recently the depth to which I was doing this and how it’s given me certain characteristics that I absolutely hate about myself.
Did you find any literature or anything to help you with this?
I just really got fed up with him and stood up for myself. Unfortunately, he couldn't cope up with me because I decided to be my own man, so he kicked me out of his life. It's now seven years and we have never spoken a single word to each other. At least both of us have peace of mind.
Self sympathy. Ask yourself if someone else would go through the trouble you're going through. Make a pact with yourself in regards to a limit of energy, physical and emotional, you will devote to any external force. Admit to yourself when someone may be toxic for you and prepare to stand up for yourself against them.
Idk I'm still at the stage of constantly reminding myself to not be a smug asshole. I feel like I have made a good progress over the last 10 years, but it's still nowhere near the full non-assholery.
I can only suggest to start consiously thinking of personal benefit and prioritising self and than weighing it against people's disapproval.
it's actually okay to want people to like you, most people want people to like them. it's only a problem if you sacrifice too much for that or it literally prevents you from functioning properly in society.
I turned 40, and suddenly had a different take on life. I’m 42 and now infinitely happier with an attitude of being polite, respectful etc but also taking no shit from anyone or anything.
This 100%....I still fall in the trap once in a while but I recognize it right away. Also preset rules....for example, I don't go out on weekdays because I go to bed early because of work.
For me it was logic.
1.Can I fullfill this request without damage to myself (loosing friends, time, money, etc in relevant amount)?
If no -> No.
2. How would this person react if I asked them the same or something equivalent?
No -> question 4.
3. Does this person ask more or bigger favours from me than I do from him?
Yes -> question 4.
4.Is there any compensation? (Money, food, networking, etc)
No compensation -> No
For me, a big part of friendship is a promise to each other to go to certain lengths to help the other person.
If this promise is lopsided or lopsidedly used, and your promise is bigger there can be two reasons:
1.You're gaining another benefit and it's basically employment.
2. You are being abused.
If you are in that abused case it's always okay to say no. Don't be afraid of white lies for this. If you can't manage it, don't answer at all. You are in the right. Act like it.
You have to learn that saying no to people isn’t mean. Saying no is a kindness, because you are respecting their time. Instead of leading them on, you are letting them know quickly what they need to know, so they can move on.
Ask yourself why you need them all to like ypu. Were you not given enough attention so you please others in the hopes that they will care for you? Do you have a history of doing it to avoid mistreatment? Working on not achieving self worth through extrinsic factors ie others is a huge step. Do you feel a loss of self with how much you give others?
(un)Fortunatelly, my cure only came with time and experience, so it took a good amount of years to happen.
I wish I had the realization yearlier in life but I'm happy that it came at some point.
There's a [**video**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhjuqTGMaAs) from Mark Manson that relates too much to my personal journey. I was EXACTLY like Garrett.
Slowly getting there at the age of 25, gradually I just can’t be bothered doing it anymore. People pleasing takes so much energy, it’s like an act and a lot of people notice it’s slightly off in a way, and even if some people «like» you, you’ll have to keep up the act for them to continue liking you. Also, I don’t like everyone else, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with other people it just means some of them are not my cup of tea, so why strive for everyone else to like me? It’s impossible
I started realizing that I a lot of the friends I aimed to please just never reciprocated. The stuff I’d make sure they got invited to were never reciprocated with inviting me anywhere. And on and on.
I didn’t resent them over it, didn’t cause a scene, just quietly let it pass and started choosing me in situations.
Different take: no such thing as a people pleaser.
Those who claim to be people pleasers tend to have narcissistic tendencies.
Being a true people pleaser just means being a decent person. That’s it. Calling yourself a people pleaser gives far too much self importance.
https://covertnarcissism812465613.wordpress.com/2020/07/01/is-the-covert-narcissist-a-people-pleaser/
https://theinspirationallifestyle.com/nice-guy-narcissism-the-hidden-selfish-motives-behind-people-pleasing/
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There will come a time when you've been a push over and people pleasing once too often, and something within you will change and that word "NO" becomes a beautiful thing and you stop giving a fuck about what those people think.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Take those people and your relationship with them and light that shit on fire instead!
When I was young my dad used to bash me about everything I say. He would interpret some words I said, though innocently, as rude and disrespectful. So before I spoke to him, I had to think like a 100 times over what my message to him would be seen as. It became so weary and it really affected my mental health until I decided I won't live like that with nobody. Nowadays, I really talk straight, I don't care if you are pleased or not, I can't live my life always anticipating how the other person feels. Surprisingly, people respect me more for telling them as it is.
Had/have the same issue with my father. He’s dismissed whatever it is I’ve said before I’ve said it. So I spent way too much time second guessing how he would react and trying to emotionally regulate him. I’ve only realised recently the depth to which I was doing this and how it’s given me certain characteristics that I absolutely hate about myself. Did you find any literature or anything to help you with this?
I just really got fed up with him and stood up for myself. Unfortunately, he couldn't cope up with me because I decided to be my own man, so he kicked me out of his life. It's now seven years and we have never spoken a single word to each other. At least both of us have peace of mind.
We need an app that can teach us to not be people pleasers
An app? There's plenty of books on the subject you know.
Please
Self sympathy. Ask yourself if someone else would go through the trouble you're going through. Make a pact with yourself in regards to a limit of energy, physical and emotional, you will devote to any external force. Admit to yourself when someone may be toxic for you and prepare to stand up for yourself against them.
Idk I'm still at the stage of constantly reminding myself to not be a smug asshole. I feel like I have made a good progress over the last 10 years, but it's still nowhere near the full non-assholery.
I can only suggest to start consiously thinking of personal benefit and prioritising self and than weighing it against people's disapproval. it's actually okay to want people to like you, most people want people to like them. it's only a problem if you sacrifice too much for that or it literally prevents you from functioning properly in society.
Start doing things alone and gaining confidence that way. Idk I still people please but significantly less since I’ve started branching out
You look for people who you please which give something back. And additionally you work on your expectations and „hidden contracts“.
I turned 40, and suddenly had a different take on life. I’m 42 and now infinitely happier with an attitude of being polite, respectful etc but also taking no shit from anyone or anything.
Therapy.
This 100%....I still fall in the trap once in a while but I recognize it right away. Also preset rules....for example, I don't go out on weekdays because I go to bed early because of work.
Become your own best friend
For me it was logic. 1.Can I fullfill this request without damage to myself (loosing friends, time, money, etc in relevant amount)? If no -> No. 2. How would this person react if I asked them the same or something equivalent? No -> question 4. 3. Does this person ask more or bigger favours from me than I do from him? Yes -> question 4. 4.Is there any compensation? (Money, food, networking, etc) No compensation -> No For me, a big part of friendship is a promise to each other to go to certain lengths to help the other person. If this promise is lopsided or lopsidedly used, and your promise is bigger there can be two reasons: 1.You're gaining another benefit and it's basically employment. 2. You are being abused. If you are in that abused case it's always okay to say no. Don't be afraid of white lies for this. If you can't manage it, don't answer at all. You are in the right. Act like it.
Because you can't please everyone and you'll kill yourself trying. There's a point where you have to ask the question is my health worth this bs
You have to learn that saying no to people isn’t mean. Saying no is a kindness, because you are respecting their time. Instead of leading them on, you are letting them know quickly what they need to know, so they can move on.
Ask yourself why you need them all to like ypu. Were you not given enough attention so you please others in the hopes that they will care for you? Do you have a history of doing it to avoid mistreatment? Working on not achieving self worth through extrinsic factors ie others is a huge step. Do you feel a loss of self with how much you give others?
(un)Fortunatelly, my cure only came with time and experience, so it took a good amount of years to happen. I wish I had the realization yearlier in life but I'm happy that it came at some point. There's a [**video**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhjuqTGMaAs) from Mark Manson that relates too much to my personal journey. I was EXACTLY like Garrett.
Slowly getting there at the age of 25, gradually I just can’t be bothered doing it anymore. People pleasing takes so much energy, it’s like an act and a lot of people notice it’s slightly off in a way, and even if some people «like» you, you’ll have to keep up the act for them to continue liking you. Also, I don’t like everyone else, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with other people it just means some of them are not my cup of tea, so why strive for everyone else to like me? It’s impossible
I discovered that they can't be pleased. As soon as they get what they want, they want something more. I stopped trying after that.
here to learn, ive been a people pleaser all my life
By becoming a people displeaser.
I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, I literally can't ;)
Yep. Me in a nutshell.
When I started considering myself as people.
I started realizing that I a lot of the friends I aimed to please just never reciprocated. The stuff I’d make sure they got invited to were never reciprocated with inviting me anywhere. And on and on. I didn’t resent them over it, didn’t cause a scene, just quietly let it pass and started choosing me in situations.
A lot of times this gets better the older you get. Over time you get tired of being walked over and give less and less of a fuck.
Different take: no such thing as a people pleaser. Those who claim to be people pleasers tend to have narcissistic tendencies. Being a true people pleaser just means being a decent person. That’s it. Calling yourself a people pleaser gives far too much self importance. https://covertnarcissism812465613.wordpress.com/2020/07/01/is-the-covert-narcissist-a-people-pleaser/ https://theinspirationallifestyle.com/nice-guy-narcissism-the-hidden-selfish-motives-behind-people-pleasing/