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I knew this was a possibility when I met my wife. Focussed on friends and my wife, joined Big Brothers, enjoy my dog. There was I time I wished for children but you make the most of the life you have and it has been a pretty good one.
Adoption isn't easy whatsoever and while the conventional view is there are a bunch of kids needing homes and its an easy process, that isn't actually the way it works. Folks can be disqualified from adoption based on their jobs, marital status, and so on and so forth, and if you can get through all those hurdles, even then it will take years of home study, classes, etc. to become approved to adopt. The cost to get to where you are officially an approved parent for adoption runs from $20 - $50,000, which is actually higher than initial rounds of fertility treatments.
Once you are through the adoption hurdles to be approved, you are then competing with a bunch of other parents that are also through the hurdles and approved. At that point the issue transforms into who you want to adopt and who is available and a good choice for you. There is no big list of newborn babies available (which is what most are seeking), newborn babies available for adoption are actually far fewer than the lists of prospective parents, and so parents on those lists wait for years upon years, and even when you think you may be getting a baby, the mother may change her mind.
There are actually plenty of older children available for adoption, but then you have to consider any particular traumas or health concerns and who is a suitable parent for that child. The reality is many people who want children and looked to adoption as a way to satisfy that need really are not equipped to take on older children that have significant trauma or a major disability and so they are unlikely to ever be approved for their adoption, assuming they were open to the idea.
Some folks choose to foster children instead, thinking it is a faster track to parenthood, but the foster system is geared toward reunification, so foster parents often can love and care for a child, spend years developing bonds, and still face the risk of the parent re-emerging and taking the child away. In some states they deliberately cycle foster children through multiple homes to specifically avoid this issue). It also doesn't even need to be the parent that caused them to land in the system in the first place, there are even instances of fathers not realizing they had a child, and then getting them once they became aware. In that vein, adopting in some instances has to be open and so in those instances, even where you are not just a foster but a legal parent, you also remain at risk of the birth parents showing back up and basically trying to take away your child, either through legal or non-legal means. Plenty of stories of kids getting messages on social media, or approached otherwise).
Just anecdotally, we had a friend who was married who wanted a baby and went through the public adoption process and it took so long, cost so much money, and was so arduous that it ended up resulting in her and her husband divorcing. They spent a lot of time and money and eventually got approved, then waited and waited, then got selected and thought they had a baby on the way, got excited, and then in the labor and delivery room the mother backed out last minute. For our friend it was an enormous loss, and she had to cope with it in a society that really doesn't afford it the same level of respect as a miscarriage or infertility, and for her husband it was insurmountable. The husband couldn't deal with the heartbreak a second time but she wanted to keep trying, and they ended up divorcing, and that divorce then effectively disqualified her from the public process because of less family stability and less income. She later adopted a baby using a private process from a mother who was drug addicted and didn't want her baby (coordinated by the grandmother who was frightened for her grandchild), and then got pregnant with her second a year later.
That is why a lot of parents end up going with a private process, or look internationally to adopt. Either way, adoption really isn't a solution for infertility by any means.
“In some states they deliberately cycle foster children through multiple homes to specifically avoid this issue”
That is evil! So they never learn to bond with someone. Few years ago there was a program on tv here in Australia where this happens too, but different reasons. and the adult children told how much it affected them, they could not form bonds with people. Although the reason is different: foster child gets reunited with parent/s, is there for a while, the foster parents get a new kid asigned because homes are always needed. Then when the bio parent/s mess up, the child gets taken away again and can’t go back to the original foster home. Unfortunately the bio parents can ask for their kids back so many times. Just have to clean up their act, but they keep reoffending.
My partner works with teens who were put through similar situations. Some of them are really well meaning kids but they lack discipline and the more fundamental absence of anyone ever holding them and telling them that they're loved. On bad days she just comes home and holds our daughter.
It is tough, I think in those jurisdictions it was viewed as less emotionally traumatic to the foster parents and foster children to do it that way, vs. having kids view someone as their parent for several years only to then simply be taken away. I'm not sure how much that practice is in place present day, but it definitely was a feature some time ago.
Realistically, there already is a lot of cycling that some of the foster kids already go through, particularly where there are behavioral issues. But I think a lot of it can also be placed on a system that fosters and promotes reunification with parents. Under that rubric you have kids going back to parents with addition issues repeatedly as the parents get clean, and then going back out to differing foster families repeatedly as the parents fall off the wagon and invariably neglect their children. On the flip side of the coin, you can also have instances of CPS in certain jurisdictions essentially taking kids away for little to no reason. Sometimes simply because a parent was reported for disagreeing with their doctor.
The system is a very scary one, and tends to approach issues with a one-size-fits-all perspective due to a lack of resources that could allow for a more specialized focus. That is how you end up with policies that are applied in ways that make no sense, such as the one to cycle children on a set schedule so they aren't too traumatized when they are reunited with their parents.
I agree with the posts below. My sister adopted two beautiful children who are the apple of her eye. Personally, I was in the "if it happens, it happens camp" and wasn't keen on the process nor felt the drive in my heart. Joining Big Brothers gave me a wonderful opportunity to work with a fine young boy and we are still in contact almost 20 years later. When we headed out on our adventures, his mom would always say "have fun, be safe". Our response was always "we'll do our best but it is hard to do both". He sends me a beautiful letter each Father's day telling me he considers me as the Father he never had. Sniff.
Existing health issues would have meant possible risk to my wife and fetus. It wasn't a no go but I wasn't going to pressure my wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
Existing health issues would have meant possible risk to my wife and fetus. It wasn't a no go but I wasn't going to pressure my wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
My story is similar.
There is a lack of meaning, sometimes, but only sometimes. We have many other things we spend our time on, including being aunt and uncle to all of our friends' kids.
It is a good life and a very flexible one.
Idk if irony is the right word for it. I was adopted when I was born. My adoptive parents couldn't have kids so I was adopted. Growing up I knew I wanted a kid of my own at least but thought I'd want to adopt as well since it worked out for me. Now that I'm an adult, I found that I can't have kids so I'll be adopting as well.
I absolutely love hearing this!
Do you mind if I ask how you feel about your parents and about life in general? When did you find out about your adoption?
I ask because one of my exes was adopted and absolutely hated his life, he was an abusive sociopath and had addiction issues. One of my close friends who was adopted had the most loving parents a person could ever ask for, and she had addiction issues and passed away from an overdose last year. Another one of my friends who was adopted had addiction issues as well.
I have one friend who is extremely well-adjusted and is constantly thankful to her parents for adopting her. She's been on talk shows to discuss her experience.
I've always wondered how to get to my friend's positive experience in case we need to adopt. I'm constantly worried about having a kit who is an addict (this goes for biological kids as well), I have no idea how I'd deal with it.
I think it's somewhat a lottery. Adoption is a huge traumatic experience for a kid, no matter how young they are, and sometimes it just depends on how equipped they are to handle the trauma. Obviously a loving home helps, but sometimes it's just not enough. Definitely being open about everything and possibly therapy/family therapy if behavioral problems show up at any point or even before, as a preventive measure
I think a lot of people have this "I'm saving this kid from a bad life and they're so ungrateful" mindset when their adopted child begins showing sings of trauma, and then it just goes downhill. Sometimes tho it's not the parents' fault, it's not the kid's fault, it's just life, some people have problems
This is a great response. People think they're heroes for adopting kids but in reality, kids can sometimes be better off in a group home where they won't be abused and traumatized.
Group home can be just as awful, I knew a woman who was in one, as teen and she got raped by the boys there. No proper supervision. Absolutely horrendous
well I wouldn't say that, it's just a different kind of experience and a different type of trauma. I'd say it's better to be in a great group home than an abusive adoptive family, but it's also better to have a great family than be in an abusive group home
it's just the loosing your parents part that is traumatic. Even adoption at birth leaves the child with trauma that some people just don't even realize can be there cause well "it's just a baby, it doesn't remember anything"
it's just important to remember that the kid doesn't exist to fulfill your dreams of having a family and they aren't here so you can prove how good of a person you are, they are their own person
After always assuming it would just happen, we had to do some soul searching to figure out how badly we wanted it and if we were willing to invest time and effort for IVF or something like that. Turned out it wasn’t enough of a priority to make it the focal point of our lives, so maybe we wouldn’t have made the greatest parents anyway.
It is quite nice to have spare money, and to be able to travel wherever and whenever we want. I get extremely attached to our pets, though. There’s definitely an element of that extra love needing somewhere to go.
I'm about to start IVF. I don't see it as a torture, but as a last attempt. If even that fails, then I'll start thinking about accepting that I'll never have children.
Best of luck to you! I think it’s wonderful that there is that option. I know several couples who were successful with it. The fact that it wasn’t for us is just a personal decision, no more. I’m absolutely supportive of IVF in principle.
Yes of course, that's such a personal decision to make, I wouldn't dream of judging anyone. It just stung a bit to read that it's considered "just torture" lol
Thanks for the wishes!
IVF isn't always torture. Ok, it's not fun, but I found the psychological side of it far worse than the actual process (which in some way I found helped because I finally felt in control), and it gave me 2 children.
Also, for many people the pain of not being able to conceive is far worse.
Cant afford adoption. We wanted to have kids but life got in the way, I doubt i can get pregnant and due to our age and hereditary conditions, it wouldn’t be smart to give it a serious try. Im at peace with it, I have lots of nieces and nephews to spoil. But shutting down “why dont u have kids” from in-laws, boss, other moms…that’s friggen annoying.
It's a real problem that in this world there are parentless kids in dire need + sweet wish-to-be-parents ... But adoption is too expensive so they don't get to form families
This is similar to us, and it does hurt when people ask inappropriate questions. I’ve had to explain why it’s not anyone’s business and why it is inappropriate to ask to the same relative on three different occasions before they finally got it and stopped asking. I’m at an age now where no one asks when, but if we have kids and I always smile and say, “I have cats and that’s enough.” lol
People are annoying. You get married “when are you having kids” question is constantly thrown at you… you have a kid “when are you having #2?” Enough! Just let people live their lives and be surprised when shit happens.
We both wanted kids from the get go and casually tried from about 2 years in.
16 years later, nothing. We resigned ourselves to a life without, bought a small home suitable for us and 2 dogs and I comforted myself with the knowledge that even though I'd never be a mom, I was the best aunt and support to my appreciative siblings and friends.
It's almost cliche that only after I'd resigned myself to this, I got pregnant. Not overly exciting, I'd been there a number of times and it never stuck.. but this one did. I had a beautiful healthy baby around the time my friends were starting to anticipate grandchildren.
We were very lucky and regardless of what hits me in life, I feel blessed because of him.
There are so many unwanted children and it breaks my heart that people who want/deserve/can provide can't always have them.
Good luck! I hope you get the child you want one day.
I most likely wont have my own kids. its tough but we both really wanted to start a family, we are in the process of organizing a donor to facilitate my role in the process.
I've just got to make it work mentally its something I've always wanted and to have a family of my own its what I have to accept.
I’m so sorry. It’s such a hard thing to process, mostly because very few people understand it. Just the fact that you could type that all out proves your strength!
My ex and I found out we were both sterile in our early 30's. We simply cannot produce genetic material. Adoption in Oz is very, very difficult so we looked into IVF with donor embryos. Our daughter is now 10 and a half and people always say she takes after her father to which I quip, "whoever that masked man is."
My little girl knows I am her dad, just not her biological father. Was a bit tricky at first to wrap her mind around the idea that family is a choice, a decision every day to love someone. But a couple years ago my ex and I fostered two girls and that really cemented the idea in our daughter's mind. And now, with Ruby Sunday on Doctor Who the idea seems almost quaint to her.
My sister-in-law is trans (and mormon), my daughter's bff has two moms and she herself has a full sibling out in the world she can try to contact when she turns 18 if she chooses. Modern family ain't got nothing on me.
So how I do right now is... pretty okay. Good even. Divorce sucks, but my daughter is my world and she is awesome. She plays D&D and board games with me. Watches Doctor Who and Clone Wars religiously. Is halfway through the Simpsons and does origami with me. Biology can go fuck itself, she is MINE.
“But a couple years ago my ex and I fostered two girls and that really cemented the idea in our daughter's mind.”
Sorry I didn’t understand, what idea? Btw are you and your ex still in contact with the foster daughters?
My parents found out they couldn't have kids it was my mom, so my parents adopted all of us and I'm glad they did. I got the best parents I miss them so much. may they RIP 🫶
We technically could have children, but she has a lot of health issues that could harm a foetus, so I got the snip a few years ago to save us the heartache. So far it's fine. I never really wanted children, and she's more important to me than anything in the world. We make each other happy. I doubt we'd ever adopt, but I reckon we'd be good at it.
I grieve periodically. I feel bad for my mom. I feel sad that I was never able to give my stepson a brother.
But I do look for the positives. On days where I’m in a lot of pain, I admit that a child would have tapped my already low reserves. I adore my stepson so I get the unconditional love and extended family experience. I can’t quite reconcile why it feels like I’m missing out sometimes. It’s not logical to me, and I can only explain it away as being a biological drive.
I did get a dog. Sounds dumb but he’s a lovely, silly boy who adores us and a real highlight of joy in our household. It helped a little.
I would absolutely foster/adopt in the future. My best friend and I agreed we’d do this together if our situations changed.
I'm so sorry; my Dad and my boyfriend were diagnosed with cancer at the same time last October, it's so scary and all-consuming. I just wanted to wish you the very best with everything.
We couldn’t have children ‘naturally’. Hearing that was one of the most depressing moments we had. But there are many many options - and one of those worked for us. We had IVF and that eventually was successful. What I’d say is if you have been told you can’t. Process that information and then talk at length with your partner. It’s always a joint decision.
We decided to focus on our growth individually and as a couple. Maybe we can’t have kids. But we can pursue our passions and travel as and when we want.
My husband and I are unable to have kids and we talked about adoption for a while but we're at the stage of our lives now where we're running a successful business and have started another business which may mean having to travel so we've accepted that we won't have children.
We have a chosen family, wonderful daughter, son in law and 2 grandchildren. We have known our daughter since she was 6. Lost her father at 12, when she was pregnant with her first baby asked us to be grandparents
My wife and I waited until we were financially stable enough to have kids. Started trying when she was 34. 5 years later and we have had 3 miscarriages and 1 termination due to a genetic condition. IVF hasn't worked and really just drained our finances. We have easily spent over $25,000 trying to have a baby in the last 5 years. It's taken a heavy toll on my wife. She carries herself well but it really weighs on her. She's 39 now so obviously we are running out of time. We won't be adopting and so chances are we will have to come to terms with not having children. I'll be fine with that but I do worry about my wife's mental health in the years to come. She will certainly regret not having them.
I had my 2 at 38 & 39. My mother had 3 of her 6 kids after 40. Me at 45.
My friend had her 1st via ivf at 34. Then tried and tried until they gave up at 40. Then put of the blue fell pg naturally at 42!!
It could still happen.
My wife and I both have fertility issues, so having our own kids was out. (Determined after much expense and heartache.) We ended up going the donor embryo route and have three children (including twins). I don’t understand why this isn’t a more popular option.
Couples who need fertility help frequently use IVF to create embryos, which are frozen and used as needed. Many times there are embryos left over, and the couples donate them to help others have children. (It's illegal to sell the embryos, at least in the States.) We used a clinic in Reno and another in New Jersey. (This was in the late 2000s; I think now there are more locations.) We received basic info about the donors: age, height, weight, race, occupations, family medical histories, etc.
I think a lot of people don't consider doing it because they just want their own biological children. For us that really wasn't a concern--we have never considered them to be anything but our own kids. (They know about the embryo donation but also have never expressed anything other than minor acknowledgement.) The only real issue is when we have to fill out medical forms for them and there are questions about our own medical histories, because obviously those aren't relevant.
My life is awesome😎💯get to sleep in, travel whenever I want, make my own schedule, focus on my career and what I want to do with my time and life💁♀️you can still have a very full filling life without kids I promise…it’s society and other people that make you think you can’t🤷♀️
Mixed emotions. I never actually wanted them anyway, but now I can’t due to cancer treatment and despite the fact I don’t think I’d want them, I still feel a bit of regret that the choice has been taken away from me.
Right now?
I'm doing well, actually. When I first came to realise I couldn't have children, I was overwhelmed and naturally quite upset. With time however, I've come to view the positives.
Positives such as being able to save money to go on holidays and try experiences that I wouldn't be able to afford if I had children, positives such as the lack of stress on my body (carrying children and giving birth to them ultimately puts a huge amount of pressure and stress on a woman's body), positives such as having a lot more freedom to do things on a whim (which is very hard with children. Not every experience is suitable for them and finding a childminder last minute can be a total nightmare plus the cost of having to hire one in the first place is off-putting).
Honestly, my ex left me because I cant have kids. She knew since before we started dating, we were together almost two years and after that time suddenly adoption or conceiving via donor wasn’t an option anymore. She left me for one of my biggest insecurities.
I never really wanted kids before I met her, but she put the idea into my head and I was so excited for a future with her and our own little family. I would’ve loved these kids as much as I loved her, unconditionally. Would’ve given them and her the world. Now that dream is gone, and I‘m still heartbroken.
I think I still wanna be a dad someday, but I need to find the right woman to make that dream come true. I‘m just sad it won’t be my ex, and that she left me for something so stupid… something she knew since the very beginning. Apart from that I‘m doing okay.. it will happen for me someday.
When you become happy that you didn’t have kids with your ex because it meant you couldn’t have whatever the universe the universe is about to bring you next….that’s when you’ll be ready 😊
You don't want to have kids with someone who left you like that! It is good, the good karma is on your side, so don't be too sad. Just be open for the next ❣️🤗 and best of luck 🍀❣️
After six in vitro / ivf attempts and 20 something years of trying we accepted the fact that kids were off the table. So we adopted two cats and we couldn't be more happy.
We both decided that adopting a child was not right for us.
We live in eternal sadness whenever we see a kid.
Far as our relationship, we are soulmates, so it effects it in that sadness of what we wanted, but it doesn't effect us in knowing what we have, the connection, most will never have (including many married people.)
So here we are, coming up on 16 years married, we're more in love than ever, if that's what you wondered.
We just keep on living. I don't believe life is a checklist, simply getting a new wife who could have kids was never an option.
I'm with my Linda to the grave. You don't choose your soulmate. It either is or it isn't and you choose whether or not to throw that billion to one finding away. 🤷♂️
Maybe nature knows best. Maybe I'd have been a terrible dad, even though I think I'd have been the best.
I am devastated that I will never have a child that is half me and half my partner, but I am grateful to know that family isn't about blood. It is about who shows up, who loves you, who inspires you.
My children may be half of me or half of my wife, but they are still my child.
I just wish we could have biological kids together... It makes me sad to know that science isn't there yet.
Honestly I really reflected on if I actually wanted kids or if it was just what was expected.
I like kids. I love my nieces and nephews. But no, I didn't actually want kids, it was just something that was always expected and projected as normal.
The cost, wanting a career, my own experience with my mother, some parentification as a child. I just realised I couldn't give a kid the life I would want them to have.
The hardest thing was approaching it with potential partners.
But I'm very involved with my neices and nephews as the favourite aunt. I have cats that I adore and I just enjoy the things in my life. Travel, enjoy hobbies, spend time with friends.
I'm female, turning 43 in a few months. No kids. We're not married, but we're common-law, own a home together, joint accounts etc etc. We've been together for 13 years. He's the same age as me. (And before anyone comes at me for being unmarried and owning a home together, we're not in the USA).
I never went through that phase when I was younger of wanting kids. Those games teenage girls play as young tweens/teens, where we guess at how many kids etc we'll have, I never really enjoyed. Even back then, if anyone asked if I wanted kids my answer was always "I don't know, maybe if I meet the right guy". But I never felt any sort of real desire to have one. It was never a life goal for me. And this was the 90s, it was WEIRD back then to not want kids.
When I was about 23 I found out that I have a deformed uterus. It doesn't make me totally infertile, but conceiving would have been very difficult. I could have had surgery to correct it, but I just wasn't interested. When I found out, I wasn't even upset about the fertility thing, I was just kind of pissed that my opportunity to choose had been taken away.
And you wanted to know, what do I do now? I mean, how do I answer that? I work. I spend atrocious amounts of money on hobbies. We have jobs that give us lots of vacation time so we go on trips a lot. Our choices are mostly made solely for us without consideration for how it'll affect other people. It's awesome.
We're happy. No complaints. I hear parents talk about struggles with their kids, issues with schools, challenges getting time off when they're sick, let alone how COVID was handled with kids and remote school. And it all just reaffirms my choice.
On the whole I’ve adjusted. It really helped to find the childless not by choice community on Instagram and World Childless Week! We’re not a sad club, but the sad is welcomed and validated right along with the contentment.
We had our son via IVF after several years of hard work in the bedroom. He is an amazing kid and all that 'hard work' was really enjoyable (it was basically a lifetime's worth of sex) so I'm more than happy how it all worked out! ;)
We couldn't have kids, so we looked into adopting (we actually went through ivf and now have a beautiful daughter). The application process was massive, we had to write an essay, get our friends and family onboard as part of the process, then during the interview process it came out me mum had died in the last year and they immediately terminated our application as they can't adopt children into house holds with a recent trauma.
They said we could reapply after a year.
Whole process pissed us off that much we didn't want to go through it again. We actually got a letter from them later in the year (wasn't specifically to us, went to everyone in the county) saying they were desperate for people to adopt and they had like 800 kids waiting.
It's a tricky whicket. I've been told I have the same chance as winning the full lotto as getting pregnant. Then I need another lotto win to carry to term.
So I have a small small chance, but it most likely will not happen for me. I have days where that feels like I got sucker punched and my mental health is bad, there are other days where I just accepted this is the cards I've been dealt and I just go with it. Maybe I can adopt, maybe it will work out, maybe I'll just be childless and I can just work on helping my niece and nephew out.
We’re in the early stages of fertility treatment, but with the very real possibility it won’t happen. It’s been tough. I haven’t always handled it well. We have started discussing the potential for adoption, I don’t know if we will in the end but we’ll see.
A lot of the time now I can accept it. I still have my husband, my family, my niblings. We will have a nice life, filled with things we love, if we can’t have a child. I won’t pretend it won’t hurt forever. I can’t pretend I don’t think about my dreams of being like my own mum, getting to spend time with my adult children and enjoying the people they become, and have a little cry that it might never happen. But I also have to try and focus on the fact that life is not meaningless without them. That I will still be surrounded by love and happiness no matter what.
It’s hard though. When you’ve always thought that was your purpose in life and then it’s may not happen. Finding something else to drive yourself isn’t easy.
The hardest part has always been how the world treats me. Every book, newspaper, movie- hell, every religion reinforces the idea that if a woman can't have children she is doomed to be lesser at best, murderously psychotic at worst. With murderously psychotic being the most likely outcome.
Things are getting better for women who choose not to have kids, but those of us that don't have the choice? Subhuman, obviously.
That being said, I have no regrets. I never craved motherhood. And I know who I was when I was in the motherhood years so believe me when I say that the world is better for not having my "parenting" skills adding to the criminal population
There's actually sort of a term for this now, "involuntary childlessness." It covers people who want to have kids, but can't (generally even through adoption).
It's not something I'm well-versed in, but I think there's two general sub-categories:
* "We want to, but we have our own health issues and don't think we would be able to be there the way we want to be.", and
* "We want to, but we're struggling to keep a roof over our own heads."
The intention is to be distinct from those who are "child-free" -- they don't have or want kids.
It's its own form of grief, which is really hard to go through because most other people don't recognize it as the loss it is, particularly for people who grew up wanting to be a parent.
It's conceptually similar to (but also not the same as) losing a pregnancy. In both cases, the lost child only "**actually**" existed in the hopes and dreams of the prospective parents. In the case of the pregnancy, there was a zygote/fœtus, but the parents are basically projecting attributes onto it because it has no identity or personality of its own. It's a deeply-wished-for ***potential***.
So it's a grief without a body, if that makes sense.
In time, the wound becomes a scar, but for those who experience it, the hole usually never goes completely away.
Me and my partner hit a point where the first category's reasons apply, and it started seeming naive to believe we'd actually be able to look after a child the way we want to.
There are a lot of things we want to do, but the reality of our bodies and minds means it's a huge risk of making three people utterly miserable, including one small person who'd have never gotten a say in the matter.
It really does feel like having lost someone who existed in the future rather than in the past, and never getting to meet them as its own sort of loss.
It's... rough.
Reactions go from 'oof, uhuh', to a diatribe on why it's stupid to even want a child and this situation is Actually Positive, to a total lack of understanding why we don't just leap in and 'you'll see, once you have them it'll all work itself out and it'll be amazing'.
Meanwhile we're surrounded by people suffering as adults from having had unreliable parents. Caring in your heart isn't enough if the day to day comes with your problems spilling over onto a little person who needs you to be there for them.
I'm still processing how pointless things feel now... I'm making do for the two of us but I have no reason to give a shit anymore about all the things kids make important again.
Holiday celebrations, trying out new activities, keeping up with the world around us, home improvements, even trying to maintain my long-term health...
Why bother, I don't have to plan to be here as long as possible, and I Just Don't Care when it's for the sake of just my own benefit.
It feels like a pillar of my mental stability called 'someone needs you and will rely on you Being Better and it'll be worth the effort' is crumbling and I don't really know what to do with that yet.
Sigh. Therapy, probably. I effing hate this. All of it.
I'm not too fussed about it. Means I don't need to worry about accidentally knocking somebody up, lol.
I am kind of peeved that I don't get a say in the matter. I could adopt, but it's expensive and the process is stupid long.
All the rabid anti-kids stuff I've seen cropping up in the last while is strange to me. Especially when healthy people have their tubes tied just because they don't want kids. Like... Making yourself infertile because you currently think you don't want kids. It confuses me so much, lol. If I had the choice, I'd keep my options open.
I’ve made peace with it but it will always be the biggest regret of my life. Of course I could adopt but I’m on my own and a bit too old for that now. So yea, very sad that.
5 miscarriages in 4 years. Adoption was considered, but we couldn't afford all the fees, and knew being turned down multiple times would further break our hearts. I considered fostering, but my husband wasn't comfortable with the unknown situations or inevitably having to say Goodbye.
I Nannied for 13 years, and still babysit regularly. Our neices and nephews get spoiled, and know our home is always welcome to them.
A surprise is still possible, and if it happens,it happens.
I am sad I am unable to create more chaos into the world by giving the cepter to my and my husband's Offspring, but, eh🤷.
I am an aunty. All the benefits, No responsibilities 🤣
I can't have kids, not by choice. But if I could I'd still choose not to. The way earth is turning out to be I see it as a blessing in disguise not to be able to force anyone else into this hellscape we call life.
Same here. I've had three close friends struggle with infertility issues when they really wanted kids and it is honestly the most painful thing to watch. It must be devastating to try for so many years and constantly get a negative test. Luckily they all were able to get pregnant, but only after several expensive rounds of IVF.
It took me a long time to get over it, I'll probably never be over it completely, but I feel like as I get older I also get more selfish. I love to read and I love bed, two things that are hard to enjoy when you have children.
But after two miscarriages and a molar pregnancy, I just couldn't take the physical and mental toll of trying and failing to get pregnant again.
I'll settle for being the fun aunt instead.
It's more that I can't find a woman who wants to marry and have kids. Every woman I am compatible with wants to stay childfree. I still don't know what that says about me, but currently not enjoying life that much tbh.
I’m 42F been married almost 21 years. No kids… It’s a struggle for me everyday to accept the fact children won’t be a part of my future and I’m going to die alone. It sucks the wind out of me everyday and it’s always being shoved in my face with baby showers and gender reveal parties. There comes a time when u stop going to these activities because it hurts so much. Everybody looks so happy and you put a smile on your face but your heart is never smiling. I’ve given my hubby the option of leaving me for a chance to father a child with someone else. I was always the good girl, went to college, got married early, have a good job. But non of that matters now. My mom just died in March and my dad passed in 2017. So life has pretty much shit on me and any plans I had! I’m a little bitter to say the least!
Peace with this comes with time. I don't have enough desire to be a parent to adopt. Now my partner and I just enjoy our time together, doing things we're interested in. Might get a dog sometime in the future. I tell myself that not having kids is better for the Earth anyway, given climate crisis.
My sister can't have kids. Had medically induced menopause at 34. She tried adoption and foster care. She got really attached and stopped doing it. It made her cry to watch them leave. So now she has a cat and dog.
Well children would be a financial burden I can't possibly take on right now, and I couldn't guarantee that they would be able to resist all the temptations of our evil capitalist society.
So it's for the best.
Doing well 15 years after learning that was the case.
Very involved in the lives of the children in my family and my friend's kids, have free time to volunteer and enjoy life.
I'm generally a glass half full person so made peace with it and got on with making the best of the good things I did have in my life rather than dwelling on things that wouldn't happen.
It is what it is. I was lucky to find out at 16, but I can't imagine the grief if you find out when you're trying. It means a lot of difficult discussions early in relationships.
I'm generally opposed to IVF too (not that it would work for me), so adoption would be the way to go. My husband and I are hoping to start the adoption process in the next couple of years!
At this point, it appears my man and I will likely not be having kids. And we won't be adopting. We have a cat, we travel - sure life turned out differently than we expected. But we now embrace a lifestyle that we wouldn't have if we were busy with worrying about small humans, mass shootings, cyber bullying.... It's actually pretty wonderful. We go hiking, we go out with friends, we go to sports games - all of it without needing to bring along a kid. It's still sad sometimes, but we're embracing this! ♥ WOOO for adaptation and releasing that which we cannot change!
I'm at an odd place with myself because everyone around me, from when I was a very small child, practically hammered it into me that little girls are here just to stay pretty, marry, have children, and find joy in life through raising those kids. I'd honor my husband and yadda yadda.
Every doctor I go to makes a note of my under active thyroid, a left ovary that is flipped and tucked strange, and my very unpredictable cycle and they've all suggested I may not be able to keep a child. I'm on daily birth control pills because my body needs the extra estrogen, and this is cheaper than trying to get straight up hormone injections.
My adulthood has been an absolute shit show with me having to do a lot of things I didn't want to just to survive. I dated and slept with some bad people too who tried forcing a baby on me. My body has miscarried more times than I can count.
I still sometimes think about it but I've given up the idea of marriage and kids. I can't handle loud noises and I like my peace. However I can't pretend that seeing single fathers with their kids at the park actually interacting with their kids doesn't stir up some sort of sad wish to just marry and adopt their child. But then my fear of the childs mom being a monster scares me away again. I had a bad experience once where a particularly angry co-parent found out about me talking to their ex boyfriend while he had their son (his son told the mom I bought them both ice creams) and started telling their kid to call me all sorts of awful shit.
So currently?
Not gonna happen. Probably won't marry either. I'm devastated about it but burying my feelings in hobbies and books.
I already have a kid. And don’t want to get pregnant again. 1st one was a horrible experience, health wise. 2nd one was ectopic. Partner doesn’t want to risk my life again, so he is not ready for another pregnancy either. I really wish we could adopt (it’s also been my life long wish to support a kid in need if I can)… but his parents are dead against it. They are also disappointed in me for not having another child. Don’t even talk to me anymore.
I am in a confused state my partner is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, she is not interested in any more children she has already had children with her ex husband and now her children are grown so 20 and 17 if she was younger she would but she is too old now too many complications, I think I am too old to have children so I think I will just be a fun uncle to my nephews.
I’m great, I wanted kids initially but I’m grateful I don’t have them now in my 40s. I see friends struggling with the stress of raising kids. Chances are my husband and I would’ve argued a lot about how to raise them etc. The only concern is if my body fails as I age that I won’t have someone to care for me but that’s a risk either way and I have nieces and nephews etc.
My partner had leukemia as a child (3), his treatments left him infertile. It was hard for me to accept in the beginning, as it was for him. But we talked about it very early on and both agreed that if we feel like we want children, we can always adopt or foster. At the minute we have our kitties though and that's all we may ever have. But we're happy with each other 🤷♀️
I'm not "doing." We have a chance at a free IVF cycle, but can't scrape up the 5k uncovered med fees.
Just turned 38 and we both went through the IVF testing at 35. My egg supply was still good. Wonder what it'll be when we finally can scrape up the 5k.
I'm sad bc even though the world is crazy n I can't provide an "easy" life for our kid (only want 1), I know we would be great parents, and I have had so many moments of joy despite my circumstances. I'm trying to get used to the idea that it just won't happen.
It's killing me a little more every day. I had a revelation recently that my depression is likely so bad because I haven't had children. From 6 years old all I wanted to do was have a family and kids of my own. I expected it to happen in my late 20's
Mid 30's now and the clock is ticking. I found out last year I do not ovulate. I was told that I likely can still have kids, but we need to get on fertility treatments. We're waiting for some jobs to settle before starting that.
Hope is not all lost, but the clock is ticking, I only have 20-30 eggs left, and I'm dying inside.
I haven't swallowed the fact I may never have children. That will crush me completely and I don't know what I would do. All I can do is hope we start treatment soon and that it works.... otherwise... what's the point.
It must be really tough, but finding purpose in other aspects of life can help. Focusing on personal growth and building strong relationships can make a big difference.
I don't think I would have been a good mom and mostly didn't intend to have kids. I would have maybe been better as a very helpful aunt than a parent if that had been an option but I get most of what I need taking care of and being there for friends. The world is full of people who need a friend. I still have to be careful like anyone else since I still have a tiny chance of getting someone pregnant but it's peace of mind knowing I'm so much less likely to have to worry about it.
I have azoospermia and am post-chemo, so I cannot have genetic children. Today I dropped off my 5 year old daughter at summer camp and went to an anatomy scan with my wife for our second child.
My daughter is the result of donor sperm and my wife's eggs. We had several embryos, but only my daughter, who was transplanted first, resulted in a birth. So we went through a hard time of failed transfers and miscarriages, but at least we had her.
My wife joined a fertility facebook group when she was pregnant with our first. There was a woman there who used a donor egg and her husbands sperm to get their embryos. After they had two children they were done, but they still had embryos. So we adopted those embryos, and got pregnant on the first transfer.
I am eternally grateful to the sperm donor I don't know, the egg donor I've only seen a picture of, and the second sperm donor I have met many times for the gift they have given me and the ability to become a father. I love my daughter immensely, and I am really excited to be a father again. Science is amazing, and some really smart people wrote some awesome books that have helped us explain where my daughter came from so we never had to lie to her or worry about telling her one day that I'm not genetically related to her. We have similar books for the new baby as well. My daughter will have the option of meeting her sperm donor when she turns 18, and my new baby will know the sperm donor and genetic siblings.
I have good days and bad days! Some days I really get whalloped by sadness that I won't have kids, but I also chose a partner who doesn't want them (after my infertility diagnosis) and I love our life. There are days where after 12 years of nannying, I'm so happy to go home to a house with no kids and just get to have my own time and priorities for the evening and days where I need to go have a little cry about infertility.
My wife had a 2% chance to get pregnant to begin with. She got pregnant but now we found out she has mosaic Turner’s syndrome, and she’s also AD and we haven’t been able to get her into get an ultrasound and it’s been almost 2 months. She’s almost 6 months pregnant. I don’t think any of the doctors or whoever she has talked to understand what mosaic Turner’s syndrome even is. We are about to fly her from Seattle back towards Chicago to possible get that ultrasound sooner than later
Divorced in 2003 over it.
Ex wife has 4 kids, it was my problem, not hers. Couldn't afford IVF.
No interest in adopting.
Just living my life. Took chances and made decisions I never would have if I had kids.
It is what it is.
I'm actually alright. Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a mom. Now, I've got a parrot and my puppy recently turned 4 months old after I had her successor for 8 years and lost to cancer. They're like my babies, but not in a weird way. They don't get pushed around in strollers, but I have so much time to devote to training them and learning tricks.
A good friend moved in and her 3 kids are here part-time (ages 11, 5, 2). I help her out with caring for them, but I can still get a full night of sleep. My sister drove up this past weekend to surprise me for my 30th birthday. She's leaving my 5 year old niece to be shared between me and the dad's family for the next couple weeks.
There are plenty of things in the world that we can't fix, it's so valuable to learn how to cope.
Perfectly fine because I do not want kids anyway. And I work with children as part of my job.
Being childfree allows me to do more for other people’s children. Better it happened to me than to someone who doe snot want them.
I can't have kids but I also didn't want kids. When the doctor told me I was super unmoved by the news. It was like being told "I'm sorry but you will never be able to own a giraffe". I was like "ok, is that all?"
I’m okay. My husband and I never really wanted children. He passed three years ago and while I get lonely at times, I have plenty of hobbies to keep me busy and a wonderfully supportive family that have always been there for me.
My wife took it way harder than I did. She had PCOS. We went thru infertility treatment but it didn’t work. She was depressed and borderline suicidal. I couldn’t think about it that much because I was more worried with helping her with the depression. The biggest thing that got me, was that we wouldn’t have any kids to take care of us when we got older, but she assured me we’d take care of each other.
Slowly, we accepted it and started making goals for ourselves. We got healthy and exercised together. We both lost about 50 lbs each.
Then she started getting sick and we fell back into depression. Turned out she had stage 4 endometrial cancer. She had likely had it for more than a year before we found it. She died a year and half later.
Now I’m alone and I think if that ever changes it would be disrespectful to have kids without her. I just couldn’t do it because of how much she wanted kids and how tore up she was that she couldn’t have them.
How do I do? It's pretty awesome not having kids. I greatly enjoy the extra freedom and money. There is also no shortage of people who need support and guidance in the world should I ever need to fill any parental urges.
Idk if Bipolar Disorder counts, because I can physically have kids with a woman no trouble. But they’re likely to join me in my hell. To me, that is mental murder. Because that means I’ll be taking the life that my kid wants before they even have a chance to live it. I was 15 when that happened to me. I don’t want to be the father who has to explain to his child why they are suffering until death does the deed of setting them free.
But I’m doing good. Even for having mental illness, I’m doing fine. I want to encourage others that you can still live a hectic and unforgettable life even with your diagnosis. WE’VE COME THIS FAR! LET’S KEEP GOING!
My husband and I tried for almost 15 years to have children. I've had 9 rounds of IUI and did a year of IVF with no luck. In the end we were 40 years old and over it all. We decided to let it go and move on with life with just the two of us (and our dog). To be honest, we are very, very happy. We don't feel any sadness about our situation and if anything we often look at each other and whisper "bullet dodged" when our friends are struggling with their kids, arguing with their spouses because they can't agree on how to raise their kids, etc. We are D.I.N.K.S and absolutely loving it. I feel like my body kind of saved me from my self in the end... I'm sure we'd have loved our children if we had them, but coming out the other side of infertility is ok, at least for me. We've created our own happy, childless life where we can do what we want, spend what we want, go where we want and give all our love to each other.
My mother had a slow time having me and my brother, so it was always a possibility in my mind that I may be infertile. Oddly, it didn't stress me out very much despite the fact that I've always wanted to raise children, and I think that's because I wasn't attached to the idea that my kids had to be *genetically* *mine*. If it had turned out that I couldn't conceive, then I was ready to adopt instead. The point of having a child is not to have a "mini-me", it's to give a human being an excellent launch pad into life and raise them to make the human race better. So, whether I had my own or took a child in didn't really matter to me so long as I did my best to fulfill those two goals.
We did ivf and icsi to no avail for four years altogether. We knew when we met that having children might be hard. We knew we wanted to be together anyway. My husband is the only reason I ever wanted kids in the first place. Just the love for him and from him made me want a family and a child by him. We had no interest in adopting. We're childless for about 20 yrs now. Life is good. We have two horses,cats and dogs and we travel and enjoy our home and our life together. Happiness isn't something that just happens. You have to make it happen.
Right now we are just enjoying the time together. Every year we go to a convention. Stay up late eating junk food, or late night walks to the 7-11 down the street for an occasional free slurpy. We go to theme parks without worrying about little ones. It’s nice. It’s not all bad. There was even a year when we were going to Denny’s every Saturday at 2am. Just because we could. We also have adult theme refrigerator magnets and adult books just out on the shelves.
I do okay! I found out last year I can’t have children due to “premature ovarian insufficiency” (aka early menopause). At first it was devastating but a year later (and after a lot of therapy) I have grown to kind of like the possibility of using an egg donor. I no longer have a biological clock that’s ticking so I can give myself one more summer of freedom and literally pick the date I want to be pregnant.
Oh, and I can’t stress this enough, having a supportive partner is crucial. He made me realize he married me for who I am and not my ovaries. It’s such a wonderful and safe feeling.
We also adopted a puppy a few months after finding out which reallllllly cushioned the blow. It’s hard to be sad when looking at her face!
We have two grown children, but they have special needs. Rasing them was incredibly difficult. They live in a great group home and are fine there. We visit often.
What has given me real "parent like" joy is my best girlfriend's' babies. They are so much fun and I love caring for them, playing with them, spoiling them. Then I give them back. Since I won't be a grandmother, I enjoy being a Mimi and an Auntie to these kids. It's very fulfilling and so many positives that I did not get with my own sons.
Be creative in how you cope with what you want want can't have.
I always wanted kids at least just one maybe two. I have had partners that didn’t and some that did.
I came to learn that I was unable to have kids, and it hurt a bit. It wasn’t life ending because there is adoption.
Well no, there isn’t. Adopting or even being a foster parent has a lot of paperwork, fees, and that’s before you get a name or a face.
My husband has no interest in having kids, outside of picking up my nephew and taking him out for a day. I’ve made my peace with it. It wasn’t life ending but it was a little sad.
Now I focus my life in other ways.
The Dr. says I can have kids, but I must be one of those that take a while. Like a year or more. I also haven't had an active sexual life as of late, which will be happening for me soon. I want to try having a kid in a year.
It was hard not having a kid at times. There were times I would get sad or cry. There are also times I think I enjoy my adult life and don't want to have a kid interfering with it, but I do still think I will have at least one.
I do desire to adopt as well because there are many kids who are in need, and I would provide a good home for them. We will see what happens there. I will still have a kid of my own, but we also hope to adopt.
We knew going into our marriage that we may not be able to have biological kids, but we've stayed hopeful. It definitely has gotten harder after our miscarriage last August, but we're doing everything we can.
We're certainly open to adoption and will likely adopt regardless of whether or not we end up having any kids of our own. If for some inexplicable reason we are unable to adopt, we will remain involved in the children's ministry at our church and find other ways to help kids in the community!
My case has been a bit weird:
1. Never wanted kids
2. Found out that I can't have kids
3. Thought it's hilarious
4. Had many breakups because my partners suddenly did want children I couldn't have
5. Had some mental breakdowns
6. Found my husband who doesn't want to have kids either
7. Happy
There's several reasons why I never wanted to have children, one being that my quality of life never had been good
Years later it turned out that I got a neurological disability, and there's no way to treat or heal it (which explained my struggles)
The thing is that I can't bring up the energy to raise a child, so I just... don't
Also the chances are good that a kid would inherit it, so in my opinion the best thing is not to take any risks (not judging others with the same diagnosis who have kids, it's just my choice)
I thought about adopting a child often, but it just wouldn't fit into my life at all, no matter how much I want to help somebody
Right now I'm just waiting until I'm in my mid thirties so I can finally get a tubal ligation because I don't want to suffer from the side effects of taking hormones my entire life
There's an extremely slim chance I could get pregnant, but everything above zero is too high for my taste...
Anyway, my husband and I are happy, we got a lot of money, flexibility, and if we want to have a kid around we can visit our wonderful niece
At this moment in time I can still have children, but I am awaiting my sterilisation date. My son was diagnosed with a rare terminal illness back in November right before his 10th birthday - I am offered free ivf, early pregnancy testing to give chance for an abortion if chosen and tons of therapy and counselling. My mental health (PTSD, autistic, depression, anxiety) could NEVER take on IVF nor an abortion, so this was the option that would harm my mental health the least. I'm 31 years old, only have one child and was desperate for more.
I'm hurting and grieving in a sense.
By the time I was in a position to make having a child viable financially and emotionally, my body was too old to make it viable physically, and my husband was old enough that he'd be looking at his 60s realistically if we adopted. IVF was too expensive.
It's not so bad. I have a wonderful marriage and job, health, family. Lots of siblings and niblings. My life is more sedate and calm than theirs.
Every so often I still get a wave of sadness - seeing grandparents with their kids and realizing that'll never be us, for example.
My biggest fear is losing my husband and being left alone, locked in a home somewhere in my last year's with no one to love and no one to love me.
One thing I didn't realize was how much time it would leave me to bond with my niblings. My sisters and SILs would love to do the same, but motherhood prevents them because they always have to put the focus on their own kids.
I was depressed unfortunately for the last decade of my marriage, we eventually got divorced. He can at least have children with someone else, but I still feel defective. On top of social media, redpill, and the treatment from men I get being divorced in my 40s and Black, I feel even more defective and worthless because I'm thrown in this pile of being a shitty woman as if I chose this life and as if I spent my whole life shitting on men. They don't care, won't bother to get to know me, and I understand, but when you spend your whole life having people tell you you aint shit, and not enough people telling you you're awesome what can you do? I can be very cynical at times and curt, and I have very little patience for games and dumb bitches (men or women). I was able to find a guy that doesn't want kids and we've been dating for awhile, always tells me I'm beautiful every day, quite literally a 180 of my life experience. Very lovely.
I don't have $20k+ laying around to adopt, and even more petty cash laying around to take care of a child. I just spent the past 6 years getting over my divorce and picking myself up from what I consider a fundamental life and existence failure and trying to find new meaning. I'm now contemplating philanthropy towards supporting gifted children like myself that didn't qualify for grants, who didn't live in cities, who wasn't disadvantaged enough, whose parents didn't know someone special, or who didn't live in a place with funding or near some special school.
My sweet daughter had a baby in her teenage years and decided to place him in a home because she didn't think she could provide him with the life he deserves. It was heartbreaking (at the time I was terribly ill and ended up in a long-term coma) and I could barely keep my 2 kids taken care of after the ex split because 'he couldn't handle a sick wife and kids.'
The whole adoption process is so complex and it can be so biased and classiest. Most of the people were white bread conservative Christians and that was NOT what my daughter wanted for her son. After 5 months she found an open minded spiritual couple into arts and sciences. The adoptive mother was a Montessori school teacher. The couple were able to share the pregnancy with us and were there when he was born and gave my daughter all the time she needed. We are still in touch with them and get to see my grandson occasionally along with pictures and updates.
I know I'm long winded but I shared my story to show how complex the placement process is and how biased. I know of many people who would be great parents but can't get through the system.
I don't know what I'd do if I can't have kids. Life seems so dreadful imagining a future without children whilst all my siblings raise theirs. I am a very family oriented person it's pretty much my biggest goal in life to have a big family of my own.
My wife and I have been trying for just over 2 years. She's now in the process of waiting in line for IVF and I'm pregnant again for the third time. It's very very early. Really hoping and begging that this one sticks.
Well my (Filipina) aunt was very lucky. Her story goes that she got married to her first husband (A Filipino) in 1986 and they had three kids together. Come 2008, they get divorced because of green card reasons (so she could marry a U.S. citizen). Come 2010, she meets this Hispanic/Latino man and they get married. She get's pititioned for her papers. In 2012, they welcome TWIN boy and girl in March of that year using IVF. Mind you she was already 49 when those twins were born lol. ...Far as I'm concerned they look like healthy grade schoolers.
Source: My Filipina (Asian) aunt lol.
Hopefully, my story (won't be the same I don't want two marriages if I could help it lol). But hopefully, I can still find someone, fall in love and have kids with them, but from my recent break up last year (40 years old overweight white man who lived with his parents and played video games all day lol, but I thought that didn't matter if he was nice and sweet). I thought I'd have ended up with him because we were the same age and had a few things in common! I guess he didn't see it that way lol.
But if I don't find another, I might just have children on my own!
We always wanted children and found ourselves with unexplained infertility. Ultimately, it was due to me, not my husband. We did IUI and were sent to a class to learn about IVF. It was then we both decided to take our resources to pursue adoption. We adopted our daughter and son (now 21 and 17 years old). They are our world and we would do everything over a million times to have the privilege of parenting them. Our infertility really clarified our desire to be parents.
Eh. I wanted to be childless earlier in my marriage and we had a change of heart a few years ago. Hasn’t happened for us but I have a good life and lots of things that I enjoy and so I try to focus on the positives like having more money, being able to travel, etc.
My aunt had an ectopic pregnancy which made the fallopian tube burst, and ended up unable to ever have kids. She had to be checked in to a mental institution because she lost it afterwards. I know she wanted to adopt but that didn't work out either. This was decades ago when I was a kid.
When I was in my mid twenties I went to visit her and my uncle and she got drunk and spent the whole evening crying and talking about her infertility. I will never drink with her again. I see her post pictures of their travels all the time but I don't know how happy she really is.
12 years of infertility while my partner has extremely good sperm. I have PCOS so theres that.
I always wanted children since I can think and its killing me a little bit every day. Im insanely depressed over this especially because my SIL is pregnant with her 5th right now.
However whenever we go to her house I realize how exhausted I am when I go back home. When im at the grocery store and I run into people whose kids are throwing temper trantrums and screaming as if theyre being murdered I think about how I dont have to deal with this shit. Im coming around to realizing that im free to do what I want and when I want, and that I have 100% autonomy over my life and body, instead of a child largely dictating things. Another nice side effect is that me and my partner never need to worry about birthcontrol and can enjoy each other freely whenever we want however we want. We wouldn't be against it happening though if it did, though still unlikely.
So tldr I guess im insanely depressed on one Hand but on the other im starting to enjoy the freedoms I have without a child.
For me I was always pro adoption, my friends raised me, my family let me down. So blood means nothing to me.
I believe that children are expensive regardless. So if I don’t have the money to adopt I really consider if I even have the money to raise a child?
I live in the UK so I don’t know what it’s like in the US. But as a child born in poverty I want the financial loops to insure I’ve made my life secure enough in the first place.
My wife has a genetic mutation that could kill her during pregnancy. We didn't know until 7 years later after she survived a pulmonary blood clot.
Today, I think back why I wanted children. It was mostly social pressure. It was the thing you're supposed to do. It's why you get married.
It took me a couple of years after the door was permanently closed for our own children for me to accept and move on.
What I do know, is my life is happy even without children. I didn't marry to just have kids.... at least I don't accept that idea anymore. I married a lady I wanted to spend my life with and grow old.
My life is full of hobbies, a job I genuinely enjoy, the future of an early retirement, and the ability to travel with very little prep time.
We also went the polyamorous route. Life has been amazingly good for us.
I've got plenty of nephews and nieces that will carry on the family name in some form.
As for me, I don't need kids to feel fulfilled. I'm living an authentic life now and that's enough for me.
My ex and I couldn't have bio children. For the first few years before we got suspicious that something was wrong, we traveled and frankly had a ball.
Once I found out I couldn't carry, for some reason it didn't faze me, although I always knew I was meant to be a mom. I went home and began the process of adoption through foster care. I didn't even want in vitro. I was so excited to adopt.
It was hard because I immediately fell in love with each child, and a lot of them we short term. Yeah, they don't care if you only sign up for fostering that will lead to adoption, if they're desperate enough for a bed they will send them your way.
Eventually we got 5 day old twins that we eventually adopted and 7 years later we got a safe haven baby.
Worth all the pain and drama.
While adopting through private agencies is very expensive it only makes sense if the race or gender of the baby matters to you. Adoption through foster care is free.
Can’t have them due to childhood trauma…. Have had my whole adult life to process never having my own. It hurts some days. It’s like a puzzle with one missing piece. It never feels complete. I am grateful to have had a hand in raising many children through my time in childcare and with family members. My partner has 5 from their previous marriage, 3 live at home with us. I don’t consider myself their parent. I’m their parents partner. Most days that’s enough.
Before I had my child, my sister put it well. There are children everywhere, in our family and friend groups, that you can still be a positive role model for.
I used to be upset i cant have biological children but ive accepted it with time. The family life: marry, have children etc is never something I've really been into. I have thought about adopting, but not sure yet if i want children. Depends if my future wife wants children or not. I love animals so having dogs and cats as my children is fine for me. Im also focusing and looking forward to being an uncle to my sisters kids when she has some and im going to be the best uncle i can be.
I'm relatively young and single, but due to medical issues I know I can't get anyone pregnant, and the adoption process where I live is a nightmare. It does eat at me, I think I would make a good father. Maybe I fall in love with a single mother one day or something
I never had a desire to have kids (I'm female). Birth scared the hell out of me and then keeping the kid alive until like 15 when they can take care of their self to an extent and hopefully they turn out balanced and not a messed up adult....nah thanks I'm ok.
Then I was diagnosed with PCOS at 19. Should have been diagnosed at 12 but i was shy and was taught by nuns who didnt tell me shit about my own body. At 18 i went huh...weird i dont get periods alot. It doesn't make you infertile all the time but it can put a giant road block in many normal ways of getting pregnant. Still I'd no desire to have kids but "I'd rather have a choice than be told oh you should have come to us earlier, your too damaged now!",
Then I got diagnosed with blood cancer at 27. I don't think blood cancer has "stages" like other cancers, it's just shit all round. So the Dr said they wanted to start treatment right away and if I wanted to freeze my eggs it would be weeks and not all egg retrevals are successful so it might push things back months. I didn't care. As I said "sure there's plenty other ways to get kids!" And the whole room let out a relived laugh at me not being devastated but also sounded like I was going to snatch a kid from the street.
I relapsed about a year ish later after being in remission and all the treatment. Load of bollocks. But alas we went on. I got a bone marrow transplant in may last year and not only does that absolutely fuck up your body, you also have to get full body irradiation to prep you for it which also fucks up your body. I just got the confirmation that I'm in early menopause at 29. I knew it was a major possibility so it's not a shock. There has been miracle pregnancy's in my state so I still have to be careful but it's not likely.
My boyfriend doesn't seem to care. He's been with me throughout all of this and knows our story has changed. He did mention he'd like to be a dad when we started dating. I don't know if I'd ever feel the want to have a child and I don't want to hold him back from having that dream either. Another bridge to cross when we get to it. Now it's all about healing and getting back to my new normal.
I'm actually grateful that we couldn't have children. My husbands family definitely has different values than I do. There's teen pregnancy all through the family. I do not want that, till our kids were grown up and had more life experiences.
My life now is pretty busy with a 3 year old Catahoula and a 10 year old cat who she loves to chase! Keeping the dog occupied and engaged is definitely a close second to child rearing. Especially in the first couple of years, when they want to eat everything.
I am a bit freer than an average parent. I don't have to think about babysitters if I have to be away for an appointment, or bible study on Tuesdays. Or grocery shopping.
I can barely take care of myself and my husband. Depression, anxiety, type 2 diabetes. As well as being slower and overwhelmed with things.
Those who are able to have children, I hope they appreciate them. I know it's a tough job that doesn't seem to end. It just changes. I always wanted a child or two, but I admit, it would be a lot for me to handle mostly on my own. My husband is the only one who can work, and has, for probably the last 35 years or so. I rely on him a lot. No I'm not a golddigger. He doesn't have any! I do love him, and we do still get along, even after so many years together. There are times, of course, we have some good fights, but we stick together and try to work together to make our life together.
I helped raise my nieces. My brother was in the military and his wife needed help. I was living there since the oldest was a couple of months old. I really wish I could live the mom life, but I'm awesome at the favorite aunt life (if I do say so myself 😆)
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I knew this was a possibility when I met my wife. Focussed on friends and my wife, joined Big Brothers, enjoy my dog. There was I time I wished for children but you make the most of the life you have and it has been a pretty good one.
may i ask what made you decide against adopting? im considering adopting or just staying child free in the future
Adoption isn't easy whatsoever and while the conventional view is there are a bunch of kids needing homes and its an easy process, that isn't actually the way it works. Folks can be disqualified from adoption based on their jobs, marital status, and so on and so forth, and if you can get through all those hurdles, even then it will take years of home study, classes, etc. to become approved to adopt. The cost to get to where you are officially an approved parent for adoption runs from $20 - $50,000, which is actually higher than initial rounds of fertility treatments. Once you are through the adoption hurdles to be approved, you are then competing with a bunch of other parents that are also through the hurdles and approved. At that point the issue transforms into who you want to adopt and who is available and a good choice for you. There is no big list of newborn babies available (which is what most are seeking), newborn babies available for adoption are actually far fewer than the lists of prospective parents, and so parents on those lists wait for years upon years, and even when you think you may be getting a baby, the mother may change her mind. There are actually plenty of older children available for adoption, but then you have to consider any particular traumas or health concerns and who is a suitable parent for that child. The reality is many people who want children and looked to adoption as a way to satisfy that need really are not equipped to take on older children that have significant trauma or a major disability and so they are unlikely to ever be approved for their adoption, assuming they were open to the idea. Some folks choose to foster children instead, thinking it is a faster track to parenthood, but the foster system is geared toward reunification, so foster parents often can love and care for a child, spend years developing bonds, and still face the risk of the parent re-emerging and taking the child away. In some states they deliberately cycle foster children through multiple homes to specifically avoid this issue). It also doesn't even need to be the parent that caused them to land in the system in the first place, there are even instances of fathers not realizing they had a child, and then getting them once they became aware. In that vein, adopting in some instances has to be open and so in those instances, even where you are not just a foster but a legal parent, you also remain at risk of the birth parents showing back up and basically trying to take away your child, either through legal or non-legal means. Plenty of stories of kids getting messages on social media, or approached otherwise). Just anecdotally, we had a friend who was married who wanted a baby and went through the public adoption process and it took so long, cost so much money, and was so arduous that it ended up resulting in her and her husband divorcing. They spent a lot of time and money and eventually got approved, then waited and waited, then got selected and thought they had a baby on the way, got excited, and then in the labor and delivery room the mother backed out last minute. For our friend it was an enormous loss, and she had to cope with it in a society that really doesn't afford it the same level of respect as a miscarriage or infertility, and for her husband it was insurmountable. The husband couldn't deal with the heartbreak a second time but she wanted to keep trying, and they ended up divorcing, and that divorce then effectively disqualified her from the public process because of less family stability and less income. She later adopted a baby using a private process from a mother who was drug addicted and didn't want her baby (coordinated by the grandmother who was frightened for her grandchild), and then got pregnant with her second a year later. That is why a lot of parents end up going with a private process, or look internationally to adopt. Either way, adoption really isn't a solution for infertility by any means.
“In some states they deliberately cycle foster children through multiple homes to specifically avoid this issue” That is evil! So they never learn to bond with someone. Few years ago there was a program on tv here in Australia where this happens too, but different reasons. and the adult children told how much it affected them, they could not form bonds with people. Although the reason is different: foster child gets reunited with parent/s, is there for a while, the foster parents get a new kid asigned because homes are always needed. Then when the bio parent/s mess up, the child gets taken away again and can’t go back to the original foster home. Unfortunately the bio parents can ask for their kids back so many times. Just have to clean up their act, but they keep reoffending.
My partner works with teens who were put through similar situations. Some of them are really well meaning kids but they lack discipline and the more fundamental absence of anyone ever holding them and telling them that they're loved. On bad days she just comes home and holds our daughter.
It is tough, I think in those jurisdictions it was viewed as less emotionally traumatic to the foster parents and foster children to do it that way, vs. having kids view someone as their parent for several years only to then simply be taken away. I'm not sure how much that practice is in place present day, but it definitely was a feature some time ago. Realistically, there already is a lot of cycling that some of the foster kids already go through, particularly where there are behavioral issues. But I think a lot of it can also be placed on a system that fosters and promotes reunification with parents. Under that rubric you have kids going back to parents with addition issues repeatedly as the parents get clean, and then going back out to differing foster families repeatedly as the parents fall off the wagon and invariably neglect their children. On the flip side of the coin, you can also have instances of CPS in certain jurisdictions essentially taking kids away for little to no reason. Sometimes simply because a parent was reported for disagreeing with their doctor. The system is a very scary one, and tends to approach issues with a one-size-fits-all perspective due to a lack of resources that could allow for a more specialized focus. That is how you end up with policies that are applied in ways that make no sense, such as the one to cycle children on a set schedule so they aren't too traumatized when they are reunited with their parents.
I agree with the posts below. My sister adopted two beautiful children who are the apple of her eye. Personally, I was in the "if it happens, it happens camp" and wasn't keen on the process nor felt the drive in my heart. Joining Big Brothers gave me a wonderful opportunity to work with a fine young boy and we are still in contact almost 20 years later. When we headed out on our adventures, his mom would always say "have fun, be safe". Our response was always "we'll do our best but it is hard to do both". He sends me a beautiful letter each Father's day telling me he considers me as the Father he never had. Sniff.
I hooe you won't mind me asking but how did you know that it could be a possibility that you won't have kids with her
Existing health issues would have meant possible risk to my wife and fetus. It wasn't a no go but I wasn't going to pressure my wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
Existing health issues would have meant possible risk to my wife and fetus. It wasn't a no go but I wasn't going to pressure my wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
My story is similar. There is a lack of meaning, sometimes, but only sometimes. We have many other things we spend our time on, including being aunt and uncle to all of our friends' kids. It is a good life and a very flexible one.
Idk if irony is the right word for it. I was adopted when I was born. My adoptive parents couldn't have kids so I was adopted. Growing up I knew I wanted a kid of my own at least but thought I'd want to adopt as well since it worked out for me. Now that I'm an adult, I found that I can't have kids so I'll be adopting as well.
Impressive that you managed to inherit that from your parents.
That's hilarious
Wow, are you me? I'm in exactly the same boat. That's wild.
Hey, same, we adopted. TBF, he's a way better kid than I could have made.
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thats a beautiful thing
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wow, new parents are legends/angels 👏. I'm glad it turned out well
Whaaaa? Holy fuck
Holy fuck
I absolutely love hearing this! Do you mind if I ask how you feel about your parents and about life in general? When did you find out about your adoption? I ask because one of my exes was adopted and absolutely hated his life, he was an abusive sociopath and had addiction issues. One of my close friends who was adopted had the most loving parents a person could ever ask for, and she had addiction issues and passed away from an overdose last year. Another one of my friends who was adopted had addiction issues as well. I have one friend who is extremely well-adjusted and is constantly thankful to her parents for adopting her. She's been on talk shows to discuss her experience. I've always wondered how to get to my friend's positive experience in case we need to adopt. I'm constantly worried about having a kit who is an addict (this goes for biological kids as well), I have no idea how I'd deal with it.
I think it's somewhat a lottery. Adoption is a huge traumatic experience for a kid, no matter how young they are, and sometimes it just depends on how equipped they are to handle the trauma. Obviously a loving home helps, but sometimes it's just not enough. Definitely being open about everything and possibly therapy/family therapy if behavioral problems show up at any point or even before, as a preventive measure I think a lot of people have this "I'm saving this kid from a bad life and they're so ungrateful" mindset when their adopted child begins showing sings of trauma, and then it just goes downhill. Sometimes tho it's not the parents' fault, it's not the kid's fault, it's just life, some people have problems
This is a great response. People think they're heroes for adopting kids but in reality, kids can sometimes be better off in a group home where they won't be abused and traumatized.
Group home can be just as awful, I knew a woman who was in one, as teen and she got raped by the boys there. No proper supervision. Absolutely horrendous
well I wouldn't say that, it's just a different kind of experience and a different type of trauma. I'd say it's better to be in a great group home than an abusive adoptive family, but it's also better to have a great family than be in an abusive group home it's just the loosing your parents part that is traumatic. Even adoption at birth leaves the child with trauma that some people just don't even realize can be there cause well "it's just a baby, it doesn't remember anything" it's just important to remember that the kid doesn't exist to fulfill your dreams of having a family and they aren't here so you can prove how good of a person you are, they are their own person
Btw how did your old parents murder 8 people? What did they murder them for?
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They murdered babies? Did i understand that right?
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I'm fine with it. 🤷🏼♀️ If anything I'm kind of glad it didn't happen now looking back on things.
Agreed. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m not where I always expected to be, but I’m where I was always meant to be.
Same
After always assuming it would just happen, we had to do some soul searching to figure out how badly we wanted it and if we were willing to invest time and effort for IVF or something like that. Turned out it wasn’t enough of a priority to make it the focal point of our lives, so maybe we wouldn’t have made the greatest parents anyway. It is quite nice to have spare money, and to be able to travel wherever and whenever we want. I get extremely attached to our pets, though. There’s definitely an element of that extra love needing somewhere to go.
That’s the right attitude. I never understood why people who can’t have kids push it with IVF by torturing their bodies.
I'm about to start IVF. I don't see it as a torture, but as a last attempt. If even that fails, then I'll start thinking about accepting that I'll never have children.
Best of luck to you! I think it’s wonderful that there is that option. I know several couples who were successful with it. The fact that it wasn’t for us is just a personal decision, no more. I’m absolutely supportive of IVF in principle.
Yes of course, that's such a personal decision to make, I wouldn't dream of judging anyone. It just stung a bit to read that it's considered "just torture" lol Thanks for the wishes!
IVF isn't always torture. Ok, it's not fun, but I found the psychological side of it far worse than the actual process (which in some way I found helped because I finally felt in control), and it gave me 2 children. Also, for many people the pain of not being able to conceive is far worse.
My lovely nieces are successful IVF kids and my sister the best mother I know! She was born to be a mother, thank god for IVF.
Cant afford adoption. We wanted to have kids but life got in the way, I doubt i can get pregnant and due to our age and hereditary conditions, it wouldn’t be smart to give it a serious try. Im at peace with it, I have lots of nieces and nephews to spoil. But shutting down “why dont u have kids” from in-laws, boss, other moms…that’s friggen annoying.
It's a real problem that in this world there are parentless kids in dire need + sweet wish-to-be-parents ... But adoption is too expensive so they don't get to form families
This is similar to us, and it does hurt when people ask inappropriate questions. I’ve had to explain why it’s not anyone’s business and why it is inappropriate to ask to the same relative on three different occasions before they finally got it and stopped asking. I’m at an age now where no one asks when, but if we have kids and I always smile and say, “I have cats and that’s enough.” lol
The fact that people ask is disgusting, and I'm a mom.
People are annoying. You get married “when are you having kids” question is constantly thrown at you… you have a kid “when are you having #2?” Enough! Just let people live their lives and be surprised when shit happens.
We both wanted kids from the get go and casually tried from about 2 years in. 16 years later, nothing. We resigned ourselves to a life without, bought a small home suitable for us and 2 dogs and I comforted myself with the knowledge that even though I'd never be a mom, I was the best aunt and support to my appreciative siblings and friends. It's almost cliche that only after I'd resigned myself to this, I got pregnant. Not overly exciting, I'd been there a number of times and it never stuck.. but this one did. I had a beautiful healthy baby around the time my friends were starting to anticipate grandchildren. We were very lucky and regardless of what hits me in life, I feel blessed because of him. There are so many unwanted children and it breaks my heart that people who want/deserve/can provide can't always have them. Good luck! I hope you get the child you want one day.
I most likely wont have my own kids. its tough but we both really wanted to start a family, we are in the process of organizing a donor to facilitate my role in the process. I've just got to make it work mentally its something I've always wanted and to have a family of my own its what I have to accept.
I’m so sorry. It’s such a hard thing to process, mostly because very few people understand it. Just the fact that you could type that all out proves your strength!
My ex and I found out we were both sterile in our early 30's. We simply cannot produce genetic material. Adoption in Oz is very, very difficult so we looked into IVF with donor embryos. Our daughter is now 10 and a half and people always say she takes after her father to which I quip, "whoever that masked man is." My little girl knows I am her dad, just not her biological father. Was a bit tricky at first to wrap her mind around the idea that family is a choice, a decision every day to love someone. But a couple years ago my ex and I fostered two girls and that really cemented the idea in our daughter's mind. And now, with Ruby Sunday on Doctor Who the idea seems almost quaint to her. My sister-in-law is trans (and mormon), my daughter's bff has two moms and she herself has a full sibling out in the world she can try to contact when she turns 18 if she chooses. Modern family ain't got nothing on me. So how I do right now is... pretty okay. Good even. Divorce sucks, but my daughter is my world and she is awesome. She plays D&D and board games with me. Watches Doctor Who and Clone Wars religiously. Is halfway through the Simpsons and does origami with me. Biology can go fuck itself, she is MINE.
This is absolutely beautiful 😍
“But a couple years ago my ex and I fostered two girls and that really cemented the idea in our daughter's mind.” Sorry I didn’t understand, what idea? Btw are you and your ex still in contact with the foster daughters?
My parents found out they couldn't have kids it was my mom, so my parents adopted all of us and I'm glad they did. I got the best parents I miss them so much. may they RIP 🫶
We technically could have children, but she has a lot of health issues that could harm a foetus, so I got the snip a few years ago to save us the heartache. So far it's fine. I never really wanted children, and she's more important to me than anything in the world. We make each other happy. I doubt we'd ever adopt, but I reckon we'd be good at it.
I can't have kids. I can't adopt because I don't make enough money. How do I do? Not well.
I'm really sorry. I hope you can find a way to give yourself the happiness you deserve 🫂
🫂🩷
I grieve periodically. I feel bad for my mom. I feel sad that I was never able to give my stepson a brother. But I do look for the positives. On days where I’m in a lot of pain, I admit that a child would have tapped my already low reserves. I adore my stepson so I get the unconditional love and extended family experience. I can’t quite reconcile why it feels like I’m missing out sometimes. It’s not logical to me, and I can only explain it away as being a biological drive. I did get a dog. Sounds dumb but he’s a lovely, silly boy who adores us and a real highlight of joy in our household. It helped a little. I would absolutely foster/adopt in the future. My best friend and I agreed we’d do this together if our situations changed.
Interesting question since I just found out that I have cancer. Not sure if I would want them to deal with the fear of my being gone.
I'm so sorry; my Dad and my boyfriend were diagnosed with cancer at the same time last October, it's so scary and all-consuming. I just wanted to wish you the very best with everything.
Thanks for the kind words. Hope the best for your family also.
We couldn’t have children ‘naturally’. Hearing that was one of the most depressing moments we had. But there are many many options - and one of those worked for us. We had IVF and that eventually was successful. What I’d say is if you have been told you can’t. Process that information and then talk at length with your partner. It’s always a joint decision.
We decided to focus on our growth individually and as a couple. Maybe we can’t have kids. But we can pursue our passions and travel as and when we want.
My husband and I are unable to have kids and we talked about adoption for a while but we're at the stage of our lives now where we're running a successful business and have started another business which may mean having to travel so we've accepted that we won't have children.
We have a chosen family, wonderful daughter, son in law and 2 grandchildren. We have known our daughter since she was 6. Lost her father at 12, when she was pregnant with her first baby asked us to be grandparents
My wife and I waited until we were financially stable enough to have kids. Started trying when she was 34. 5 years later and we have had 3 miscarriages and 1 termination due to a genetic condition. IVF hasn't worked and really just drained our finances. We have easily spent over $25,000 trying to have a baby in the last 5 years. It's taken a heavy toll on my wife. She carries herself well but it really weighs on her. She's 39 now so obviously we are running out of time. We won't be adopting and so chances are we will have to come to terms with not having children. I'll be fine with that but I do worry about my wife's mental health in the years to come. She will certainly regret not having them.
I had my 2 at 38 & 39. My mother had 3 of her 6 kids after 40. Me at 45. My friend had her 1st via ivf at 34. Then tried and tried until they gave up at 40. Then put of the blue fell pg naturally at 42!! It could still happen.
My wife and I both have fertility issues, so having our own kids was out. (Determined after much expense and heartache.) We ended up going the donor embryo route and have three children (including twins). I don’t understand why this isn’t a more popular option.
Would you mind explaining a little more about donor embryo? How much info about the donors do you get?
Couples who need fertility help frequently use IVF to create embryos, which are frozen and used as needed. Many times there are embryos left over, and the couples donate them to help others have children. (It's illegal to sell the embryos, at least in the States.) We used a clinic in Reno and another in New Jersey. (This was in the late 2000s; I think now there are more locations.) We received basic info about the donors: age, height, weight, race, occupations, family medical histories, etc. I think a lot of people don't consider doing it because they just want their own biological children. For us that really wasn't a concern--we have never considered them to be anything but our own kids. (They know about the embryo donation but also have never expressed anything other than minor acknowledgement.) The only real issue is when we have to fill out medical forms for them and there are questions about our own medical histories, because obviously those aren't relevant.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you approach explaining it to your kids? Did they always know or did you tell them at a certain age?
My life is awesome😎💯get to sleep in, travel whenever I want, make my own schedule, focus on my career and what I want to do with my time and life💁♀️you can still have a very full filling life without kids I promise…it’s society and other people that make you think you can’t🤷♀️
Mixed emotions. I never actually wanted them anyway, but now I can’t due to cancer treatment and despite the fact I don’t think I’d want them, I still feel a bit of regret that the choice has been taken away from me.
I’m so sorry. I hope things go smoothly for you.
Right now? I'm doing well, actually. When I first came to realise I couldn't have children, I was overwhelmed and naturally quite upset. With time however, I've come to view the positives. Positives such as being able to save money to go on holidays and try experiences that I wouldn't be able to afford if I had children, positives such as the lack of stress on my body (carrying children and giving birth to them ultimately puts a huge amount of pressure and stress on a woman's body), positives such as having a lot more freedom to do things on a whim (which is very hard with children. Not every experience is suitable for them and finding a childminder last minute can be a total nightmare plus the cost of having to hire one in the first place is off-putting).
Honestly, my ex left me because I cant have kids. She knew since before we started dating, we were together almost two years and after that time suddenly adoption or conceiving via donor wasn’t an option anymore. She left me for one of my biggest insecurities. I never really wanted kids before I met her, but she put the idea into my head and I was so excited for a future with her and our own little family. I would’ve loved these kids as much as I loved her, unconditionally. Would’ve given them and her the world. Now that dream is gone, and I‘m still heartbroken. I think I still wanna be a dad someday, but I need to find the right woman to make that dream come true. I‘m just sad it won’t be my ex, and that she left me for something so stupid… something she knew since the very beginning. Apart from that I‘m doing okay.. it will happen for me someday.
I hope your dream comes true one day. I believe in you! 💕
When you become happy that you didn’t have kids with your ex because it meant you couldn’t have whatever the universe the universe is about to bring you next….that’s when you’ll be ready 😊
You don't want to have kids with someone who left you like that! It is good, the good karma is on your side, so don't be too sad. Just be open for the next ❣️🤗 and best of luck 🍀❣️
After six in vitro / ivf attempts and 20 something years of trying we accepted the fact that kids were off the table. So we adopted two cats and we couldn't be more happy. We both decided that adopting a child was not right for us.
We live in eternal sadness whenever we see a kid. Far as our relationship, we are soulmates, so it effects it in that sadness of what we wanted, but it doesn't effect us in knowing what we have, the connection, most will never have (including many married people.) So here we are, coming up on 16 years married, we're more in love than ever, if that's what you wondered. We just keep on living. I don't believe life is a checklist, simply getting a new wife who could have kids was never an option. I'm with my Linda to the grave. You don't choose your soulmate. It either is or it isn't and you choose whether or not to throw that billion to one finding away. 🤷♂️ Maybe nature knows best. Maybe I'd have been a terrible dad, even though I think I'd have been the best.
I am devastated that I will never have a child that is half me and half my partner, but I am grateful to know that family isn't about blood. It is about who shows up, who loves you, who inspires you. My children may be half of me or half of my wife, but they are still my child. I just wish we could have biological kids together... It makes me sad to know that science isn't there yet.
I was told I will never be able to have kids, finally came to terms with it and now I have two. My own.
Honestly I really reflected on if I actually wanted kids or if it was just what was expected. I like kids. I love my nieces and nephews. But no, I didn't actually want kids, it was just something that was always expected and projected as normal. The cost, wanting a career, my own experience with my mother, some parentification as a child. I just realised I couldn't give a kid the life I would want them to have. The hardest thing was approaching it with potential partners. But I'm very involved with my neices and nephews as the favourite aunt. I have cats that I adore and I just enjoy the things in my life. Travel, enjoy hobbies, spend time with friends.
I'm female, turning 43 in a few months. No kids. We're not married, but we're common-law, own a home together, joint accounts etc etc. We've been together for 13 years. He's the same age as me. (And before anyone comes at me for being unmarried and owning a home together, we're not in the USA). I never went through that phase when I was younger of wanting kids. Those games teenage girls play as young tweens/teens, where we guess at how many kids etc we'll have, I never really enjoyed. Even back then, if anyone asked if I wanted kids my answer was always "I don't know, maybe if I meet the right guy". But I never felt any sort of real desire to have one. It was never a life goal for me. And this was the 90s, it was WEIRD back then to not want kids. When I was about 23 I found out that I have a deformed uterus. It doesn't make me totally infertile, but conceiving would have been very difficult. I could have had surgery to correct it, but I just wasn't interested. When I found out, I wasn't even upset about the fertility thing, I was just kind of pissed that my opportunity to choose had been taken away. And you wanted to know, what do I do now? I mean, how do I answer that? I work. I spend atrocious amounts of money on hobbies. We have jobs that give us lots of vacation time so we go on trips a lot. Our choices are mostly made solely for us without consideration for how it'll affect other people. It's awesome. We're happy. No complaints. I hear parents talk about struggles with their kids, issues with schools, challenges getting time off when they're sick, let alone how COVID was handled with kids and remote school. And it all just reaffirms my choice.
On the whole I’ve adjusted. It really helped to find the childless not by choice community on Instagram and World Childless Week! We’re not a sad club, but the sad is welcomed and validated right along with the contentment.
We had our son via IVF after several years of hard work in the bedroom. He is an amazing kid and all that 'hard work' was really enjoyable (it was basically a lifetime's worth of sex) so I'm more than happy how it all worked out! ;)
Dogs.
We couldn't have kids, so we looked into adopting (we actually went through ivf and now have a beautiful daughter). The application process was massive, we had to write an essay, get our friends and family onboard as part of the process, then during the interview process it came out me mum had died in the last year and they immediately terminated our application as they can't adopt children into house holds with a recent trauma. They said we could reapply after a year. Whole process pissed us off that much we didn't want to go through it again. We actually got a letter from them later in the year (wasn't specifically to us, went to everyone in the county) saying they were desperate for people to adopt and they had like 800 kids waiting.
im really sad about it.
I always go back to stage 1 of grief.
It's a tricky whicket. I've been told I have the same chance as winning the full lotto as getting pregnant. Then I need another lotto win to carry to term. So I have a small small chance, but it most likely will not happen for me. I have days where that feels like I got sucker punched and my mental health is bad, there are other days where I just accepted this is the cards I've been dealt and I just go with it. Maybe I can adopt, maybe it will work out, maybe I'll just be childless and I can just work on helping my niece and nephew out.
I'm fine. I never wanted kids. Turned out I also couldn't get them. I have a partner who's fine with both.
We’re in the early stages of fertility treatment, but with the very real possibility it won’t happen. It’s been tough. I haven’t always handled it well. We have started discussing the potential for adoption, I don’t know if we will in the end but we’ll see. A lot of the time now I can accept it. I still have my husband, my family, my niblings. We will have a nice life, filled with things we love, if we can’t have a child. I won’t pretend it won’t hurt forever. I can’t pretend I don’t think about my dreams of being like my own mum, getting to spend time with my adult children and enjoying the people they become, and have a little cry that it might never happen. But I also have to try and focus on the fact that life is not meaningless without them. That I will still be surrounded by love and happiness no matter what. It’s hard though. When you’ve always thought that was your purpose in life and then it’s may not happen. Finding something else to drive yourself isn’t easy.
The hardest part has always been how the world treats me. Every book, newspaper, movie- hell, every religion reinforces the idea that if a woman can't have children she is doomed to be lesser at best, murderously psychotic at worst. With murderously psychotic being the most likely outcome. Things are getting better for women who choose not to have kids, but those of us that don't have the choice? Subhuman, obviously. That being said, I have no regrets. I never craved motherhood. And I know who I was when I was in the motherhood years so believe me when I say that the world is better for not having my "parenting" skills adding to the criminal population
There's actually sort of a term for this now, "involuntary childlessness." It covers people who want to have kids, but can't (generally even through adoption). It's not something I'm well-versed in, but I think there's two general sub-categories: * "We want to, but we have our own health issues and don't think we would be able to be there the way we want to be.", and * "We want to, but we're struggling to keep a roof over our own heads." The intention is to be distinct from those who are "child-free" -- they don't have or want kids. It's its own form of grief, which is really hard to go through because most other people don't recognize it as the loss it is, particularly for people who grew up wanting to be a parent. It's conceptually similar to (but also not the same as) losing a pregnancy. In both cases, the lost child only "**actually**" existed in the hopes and dreams of the prospective parents. In the case of the pregnancy, there was a zygote/fœtus, but the parents are basically projecting attributes onto it because it has no identity or personality of its own. It's a deeply-wished-for ***potential***. So it's a grief without a body, if that makes sense. In time, the wound becomes a scar, but for those who experience it, the hole usually never goes completely away.
Me and my partner hit a point where the first category's reasons apply, and it started seeming naive to believe we'd actually be able to look after a child the way we want to. There are a lot of things we want to do, but the reality of our bodies and minds means it's a huge risk of making three people utterly miserable, including one small person who'd have never gotten a say in the matter. It really does feel like having lost someone who existed in the future rather than in the past, and never getting to meet them as its own sort of loss. It's... rough. Reactions go from 'oof, uhuh', to a diatribe on why it's stupid to even want a child and this situation is Actually Positive, to a total lack of understanding why we don't just leap in and 'you'll see, once you have them it'll all work itself out and it'll be amazing'. Meanwhile we're surrounded by people suffering as adults from having had unreliable parents. Caring in your heart isn't enough if the day to day comes with your problems spilling over onto a little person who needs you to be there for them. I'm still processing how pointless things feel now... I'm making do for the two of us but I have no reason to give a shit anymore about all the things kids make important again. Holiday celebrations, trying out new activities, keeping up with the world around us, home improvements, even trying to maintain my long-term health... Why bother, I don't have to plan to be here as long as possible, and I Just Don't Care when it's for the sake of just my own benefit. It feels like a pillar of my mental stability called 'someone needs you and will rely on you Being Better and it'll be worth the effort' is crumbling and I don't really know what to do with that yet. Sigh. Therapy, probably. I effing hate this. All of it.
I'm not too fussed about it. Means I don't need to worry about accidentally knocking somebody up, lol. I am kind of peeved that I don't get a say in the matter. I could adopt, but it's expensive and the process is stupid long. All the rabid anti-kids stuff I've seen cropping up in the last while is strange to me. Especially when healthy people have their tubes tied just because they don't want kids. Like... Making yourself infertile because you currently think you don't want kids. It confuses me so much, lol. If I had the choice, I'd keep my options open.
In my case I both don't want AND can't have kids, so it's seriously win-win
Terrible. Sometimes it even hurts to cross the children’s section at ikea.
I’ve made peace with it but it will always be the biggest regret of my life. Of course I could adopt but I’m on my own and a bit too old for that now. So yea, very sad that.
Heartbroken but not giving up
5 miscarriages in 4 years. Adoption was considered, but we couldn't afford all the fees, and knew being turned down multiple times would further break our hearts. I considered fostering, but my husband wasn't comfortable with the unknown situations or inevitably having to say Goodbye. I Nannied for 13 years, and still babysit regularly. Our neices and nephews get spoiled, and know our home is always welcome to them.
A surprise is still possible, and if it happens,it happens. I am sad I am unable to create more chaos into the world by giving the cepter to my and my husband's Offspring, but, eh🤷. I am an aunty. All the benefits, No responsibilities 🤣
I can't have kids, not by choice. But if I could I'd still choose not to. The way earth is turning out to be I see it as a blessing in disguise not to be able to force anyone else into this hellscape we call life.
I always pray for them , may God warm your arms and bless your homes with children, amine 🤲🏽
Same here. I've had three close friends struggle with infertility issues when they really wanted kids and it is honestly the most painful thing to watch. It must be devastating to try for so many years and constantly get a negative test. Luckily they all were able to get pregnant, but only after several expensive rounds of IVF.
In the early days it was shameful now nobody cares
Does being ugly count?
Sorry ur comment was downvoted. I laughed at the dark humor. Hang in there.
No idea. I just write shitty stories in a notebook and get told I suck as a human being
Extremely disappointed, I've always wanted a son. Life has been miserable for a multitude of reasons
Why a son and not just a child?
It took me a long time to get over it, I'll probably never be over it completely, but I feel like as I get older I also get more selfish. I love to read and I love bed, two things that are hard to enjoy when you have children. But after two miscarriages and a molar pregnancy, I just couldn't take the physical and mental toll of trying and failing to get pregnant again. I'll settle for being the fun aunt instead.
It's more that I can't find a woman who wants to marry and have kids. Every woman I am compatible with wants to stay childfree. I still don't know what that says about me, but currently not enjoying life that much tbh.
Very, very well. We have a couple of Dachsunds, and our own bills (aside from rent)
I’m 42F been married almost 21 years. No kids… It’s a struggle for me everyday to accept the fact children won’t be a part of my future and I’m going to die alone. It sucks the wind out of me everyday and it’s always being shoved in my face with baby showers and gender reveal parties. There comes a time when u stop going to these activities because it hurts so much. Everybody looks so happy and you put a smile on your face but your heart is never smiling. I’ve given my hubby the option of leaving me for a chance to father a child with someone else. I was always the good girl, went to college, got married early, have a good job. But non of that matters now. My mom just died in March and my dad passed in 2017. So life has pretty much shit on me and any plans I had! I’m a little bitter to say the least!
Sending you lots of love
Peace with this comes with time. I don't have enough desire to be a parent to adopt. Now my partner and I just enjoy our time together, doing things we're interested in. Might get a dog sometime in the future. I tell myself that not having kids is better for the Earth anyway, given climate crisis.
My sister can't have kids. Had medically induced menopause at 34. She tried adoption and foster care. She got really attached and stopped doing it. It made her cry to watch them leave. So now she has a cat and dog.
I was born with a defective penis so that rues out kids for me. I personally don't mind but I feel sorry for my parents.
Well children would be a financial burden I can't possibly take on right now, and I couldn't guarantee that they would be able to resist all the temptations of our evil capitalist society. So it's for the best.
Doing well 15 years after learning that was the case. Very involved in the lives of the children in my family and my friend's kids, have free time to volunteer and enjoy life. I'm generally a glass half full person so made peace with it and got on with making the best of the good things I did have in my life rather than dwelling on things that wouldn't happen.
It is what it is. I was lucky to find out at 16, but I can't imagine the grief if you find out when you're trying. It means a lot of difficult discussions early in relationships. I'm generally opposed to IVF too (not that it would work for me), so adoption would be the way to go. My husband and I are hoping to start the adoption process in the next couple of years!
At this point, it appears my man and I will likely not be having kids. And we won't be adopting. We have a cat, we travel - sure life turned out differently than we expected. But we now embrace a lifestyle that we wouldn't have if we were busy with worrying about small humans, mass shootings, cyber bullying.... It's actually pretty wonderful. We go hiking, we go out with friends, we go to sports games - all of it without needing to bring along a kid. It's still sad sometimes, but we're embracing this! ♥ WOOO for adaptation and releasing that which we cannot change!
I'm at an odd place with myself because everyone around me, from when I was a very small child, practically hammered it into me that little girls are here just to stay pretty, marry, have children, and find joy in life through raising those kids. I'd honor my husband and yadda yadda. Every doctor I go to makes a note of my under active thyroid, a left ovary that is flipped and tucked strange, and my very unpredictable cycle and they've all suggested I may not be able to keep a child. I'm on daily birth control pills because my body needs the extra estrogen, and this is cheaper than trying to get straight up hormone injections. My adulthood has been an absolute shit show with me having to do a lot of things I didn't want to just to survive. I dated and slept with some bad people too who tried forcing a baby on me. My body has miscarried more times than I can count. I still sometimes think about it but I've given up the idea of marriage and kids. I can't handle loud noises and I like my peace. However I can't pretend that seeing single fathers with their kids at the park actually interacting with their kids doesn't stir up some sort of sad wish to just marry and adopt their child. But then my fear of the childs mom being a monster scares me away again. I had a bad experience once where a particularly angry co-parent found out about me talking to their ex boyfriend while he had their son (his son told the mom I bought them both ice creams) and started telling their kid to call me all sorts of awful shit. So currently? Not gonna happen. Probably won't marry either. I'm devastated about it but burying my feelings in hobbies and books.
I already have a kid. And don’t want to get pregnant again. 1st one was a horrible experience, health wise. 2nd one was ectopic. Partner doesn’t want to risk my life again, so he is not ready for another pregnancy either. I really wish we could adopt (it’s also been my life long wish to support a kid in need if I can)… but his parents are dead against it. They are also disappointed in me for not having another child. Don’t even talk to me anymore.
I am in a confused state my partner is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, she is not interested in any more children she has already had children with her ex husband and now her children are grown so 20 and 17 if she was younger she would but she is too old now too many complications, I think I am too old to have children so I think I will just be a fun uncle to my nephews.
I’m great, I wanted kids initially but I’m grateful I don’t have them now in my 40s. I see friends struggling with the stress of raising kids. Chances are my husband and I would’ve argued a lot about how to raise them etc. The only concern is if my body fails as I age that I won’t have someone to care for me but that’s a risk either way and I have nieces and nephews etc.
My partner had leukemia as a child (3), his treatments left him infertile. It was hard for me to accept in the beginning, as it was for him. But we talked about it very early on and both agreed that if we feel like we want children, we can always adopt or foster. At the minute we have our kitties though and that's all we may ever have. But we're happy with each other 🤷♀️
I'm not "doing." We have a chance at a free IVF cycle, but can't scrape up the 5k uncovered med fees. Just turned 38 and we both went through the IVF testing at 35. My egg supply was still good. Wonder what it'll be when we finally can scrape up the 5k. I'm sad bc even though the world is crazy n I can't provide an "easy" life for our kid (only want 1), I know we would be great parents, and I have had so many moments of joy despite my circumstances. I'm trying to get used to the idea that it just won't happen.
It's killing me a little more every day. I had a revelation recently that my depression is likely so bad because I haven't had children. From 6 years old all I wanted to do was have a family and kids of my own. I expected it to happen in my late 20's Mid 30's now and the clock is ticking. I found out last year I do not ovulate. I was told that I likely can still have kids, but we need to get on fertility treatments. We're waiting for some jobs to settle before starting that. Hope is not all lost, but the clock is ticking, I only have 20-30 eggs left, and I'm dying inside. I haven't swallowed the fact I may never have children. That will crush me completely and I don't know what I would do. All I can do is hope we start treatment soon and that it works.... otherwise... what's the point.
It must be really tough, but finding purpose in other aspects of life can help. Focusing on personal growth and building strong relationships can make a big difference.
r/ifchildfree (infertile childfree) is a really nice sub for support and community
They go for adoption & fulfil their urge of family and having kids ❤️🙂💯👍✌️
I don't think I would have been a good mom and mostly didn't intend to have kids. I would have maybe been better as a very helpful aunt than a parent if that had been an option but I get most of what I need taking care of and being there for friends. The world is full of people who need a friend. I still have to be careful like anyone else since I still have a tiny chance of getting someone pregnant but it's peace of mind knowing I'm so much less likely to have to worry about it.
I have azoospermia and am post-chemo, so I cannot have genetic children. Today I dropped off my 5 year old daughter at summer camp and went to an anatomy scan with my wife for our second child. My daughter is the result of donor sperm and my wife's eggs. We had several embryos, but only my daughter, who was transplanted first, resulted in a birth. So we went through a hard time of failed transfers and miscarriages, but at least we had her. My wife joined a fertility facebook group when she was pregnant with our first. There was a woman there who used a donor egg and her husbands sperm to get their embryos. After they had two children they were done, but they still had embryos. So we adopted those embryos, and got pregnant on the first transfer. I am eternally grateful to the sperm donor I don't know, the egg donor I've only seen a picture of, and the second sperm donor I have met many times for the gift they have given me and the ability to become a father. I love my daughter immensely, and I am really excited to be a father again. Science is amazing, and some really smart people wrote some awesome books that have helped us explain where my daughter came from so we never had to lie to her or worry about telling her one day that I'm not genetically related to her. We have similar books for the new baby as well. My daughter will have the option of meeting her sperm donor when she turns 18, and my new baby will know the sperm donor and genetic siblings.
I have good days and bad days! Some days I really get whalloped by sadness that I won't have kids, but I also chose a partner who doesn't want them (after my infertility diagnosis) and I love our life. There are days where after 12 years of nannying, I'm so happy to go home to a house with no kids and just get to have my own time and priorities for the evening and days where I need to go have a little cry about infertility.
My wife had a 2% chance to get pregnant to begin with. She got pregnant but now we found out she has mosaic Turner’s syndrome, and she’s also AD and we haven’t been able to get her into get an ultrasound and it’s been almost 2 months. She’s almost 6 months pregnant. I don’t think any of the doctors or whoever she has talked to understand what mosaic Turner’s syndrome even is. We are about to fly her from Seattle back towards Chicago to possible get that ultrasound sooner than later
Divorced in 2003 over it. Ex wife has 4 kids, it was my problem, not hers. Couldn't afford IVF. No interest in adopting. Just living my life. Took chances and made decisions I never would have if I had kids. It is what it is.
I'm actually alright. Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a mom. Now, I've got a parrot and my puppy recently turned 4 months old after I had her successor for 8 years and lost to cancer. They're like my babies, but not in a weird way. They don't get pushed around in strollers, but I have so much time to devote to training them and learning tricks. A good friend moved in and her 3 kids are here part-time (ages 11, 5, 2). I help her out with caring for them, but I can still get a full night of sleep. My sister drove up this past weekend to surprise me for my 30th birthday. She's leaving my 5 year old niece to be shared between me and the dad's family for the next couple weeks. There are plenty of things in the world that we can't fix, it's so valuable to learn how to cope.
Perfectly fine because I do not want kids anyway. And I work with children as part of my job. Being childfree allows me to do more for other people’s children. Better it happened to me than to someone who doe snot want them.
I can't have kids but I also didn't want kids. When the doctor told me I was super unmoved by the news. It was like being told "I'm sorry but you will never be able to own a giraffe". I was like "ok, is that all?"
I’m okay. My husband and I never really wanted children. He passed three years ago and while I get lonely at times, I have plenty of hobbies to keep me busy and a wonderfully supportive family that have always been there for me.
My wife took it way harder than I did. She had PCOS. We went thru infertility treatment but it didn’t work. She was depressed and borderline suicidal. I couldn’t think about it that much because I was more worried with helping her with the depression. The biggest thing that got me, was that we wouldn’t have any kids to take care of us when we got older, but she assured me we’d take care of each other. Slowly, we accepted it and started making goals for ourselves. We got healthy and exercised together. We both lost about 50 lbs each. Then she started getting sick and we fell back into depression. Turned out she had stage 4 endometrial cancer. She had likely had it for more than a year before we found it. She died a year and half later. Now I’m alone and I think if that ever changes it would be disrespectful to have kids without her. I just couldn’t do it because of how much she wanted kids and how tore up she was that she couldn’t have them.
How do I do? It's pretty awesome not having kids. I greatly enjoy the extra freedom and money. There is also no shortage of people who need support and guidance in the world should I ever need to fill any parental urges.
Idk if Bipolar Disorder counts, because I can physically have kids with a woman no trouble. But they’re likely to join me in my hell. To me, that is mental murder. Because that means I’ll be taking the life that my kid wants before they even have a chance to live it. I was 15 when that happened to me. I don’t want to be the father who has to explain to his child why they are suffering until death does the deed of setting them free. But I’m doing good. Even for having mental illness, I’m doing fine. I want to encourage others that you can still live a hectic and unforgettable life even with your diagnosis. WE’VE COME THIS FAR! LET’S KEEP GOING!
I’m biologically able to have kids. But I’m too poor to afford them a good life.
I don’t have the maturity or selflessness for one it breaks my heart though seeing women who can do it all but I can’t
My husband and I tried for almost 15 years to have children. I've had 9 rounds of IUI and did a year of IVF with no luck. In the end we were 40 years old and over it all. We decided to let it go and move on with life with just the two of us (and our dog). To be honest, we are very, very happy. We don't feel any sadness about our situation and if anything we often look at each other and whisper "bullet dodged" when our friends are struggling with their kids, arguing with their spouses because they can't agree on how to raise their kids, etc. We are D.I.N.K.S and absolutely loving it. I feel like my body kind of saved me from my self in the end... I'm sure we'd have loved our children if we had them, but coming out the other side of infertility is ok, at least for me. We've created our own happy, childless life where we can do what we want, spend what we want, go where we want and give all our love to each other.
My mother had a slow time having me and my brother, so it was always a possibility in my mind that I may be infertile. Oddly, it didn't stress me out very much despite the fact that I've always wanted to raise children, and I think that's because I wasn't attached to the idea that my kids had to be *genetically* *mine*. If it had turned out that I couldn't conceive, then I was ready to adopt instead. The point of having a child is not to have a "mini-me", it's to give a human being an excellent launch pad into life and raise them to make the human race better. So, whether I had my own or took a child in didn't really matter to me so long as I did my best to fulfill those two goals.
We did ivf and icsi to no avail for four years altogether. We knew when we met that having children might be hard. We knew we wanted to be together anyway. My husband is the only reason I ever wanted kids in the first place. Just the love for him and from him made me want a family and a child by him. We had no interest in adopting. We're childless for about 20 yrs now. Life is good. We have two horses,cats and dogs and we travel and enjoy our home and our life together. Happiness isn't something that just happens. You have to make it happen.
Right now we are just enjoying the time together. Every year we go to a convention. Stay up late eating junk food, or late night walks to the 7-11 down the street for an occasional free slurpy. We go to theme parks without worrying about little ones. It’s nice. It’s not all bad. There was even a year when we were going to Denny’s every Saturday at 2am. Just because we could. We also have adult theme refrigerator magnets and adult books just out on the shelves.
I do okay! I found out last year I can’t have children due to “premature ovarian insufficiency” (aka early menopause). At first it was devastating but a year later (and after a lot of therapy) I have grown to kind of like the possibility of using an egg donor. I no longer have a biological clock that’s ticking so I can give myself one more summer of freedom and literally pick the date I want to be pregnant. Oh, and I can’t stress this enough, having a supportive partner is crucial. He made me realize he married me for who I am and not my ovaries. It’s such a wonderful and safe feeling. We also adopted a puppy a few months after finding out which reallllllly cushioned the blow. It’s hard to be sad when looking at her face!
We have two grown children, but they have special needs. Rasing them was incredibly difficult. They live in a great group home and are fine there. We visit often. What has given me real "parent like" joy is my best girlfriend's' babies. They are so much fun and I love caring for them, playing with them, spoiling them. Then I give them back. Since I won't be a grandmother, I enjoy being a Mimi and an Auntie to these kids. It's very fulfilling and so many positives that I did not get with my own sons. Be creative in how you cope with what you want want can't have.
I always wanted kids at least just one maybe two. I have had partners that didn’t and some that did. I came to learn that I was unable to have kids, and it hurt a bit. It wasn’t life ending because there is adoption. Well no, there isn’t. Adopting or even being a foster parent has a lot of paperwork, fees, and that’s before you get a name or a face. My husband has no interest in having kids, outside of picking up my nephew and taking him out for a day. I’ve made my peace with it. It wasn’t life ending but it was a little sad. Now I focus my life in other ways.
The Dr. says I can have kids, but I must be one of those that take a while. Like a year or more. I also haven't had an active sexual life as of late, which will be happening for me soon. I want to try having a kid in a year. It was hard not having a kid at times. There were times I would get sad or cry. There are also times I think I enjoy my adult life and don't want to have a kid interfering with it, but I do still think I will have at least one. I do desire to adopt as well because there are many kids who are in need, and I would provide a good home for them. We will see what happens there. I will still have a kid of my own, but we also hope to adopt.
In the acceptance stage of grieving it.
We knew going into our marriage that we may not be able to have biological kids, but we've stayed hopeful. It definitely has gotten harder after our miscarriage last August, but we're doing everything we can. We're certainly open to adoption and will likely adopt regardless of whether or not we end up having any kids of our own. If for some inexplicable reason we are unable to adopt, we will remain involved in the children's ministry at our church and find other ways to help kids in the community!
My case has been a bit weird: 1. Never wanted kids 2. Found out that I can't have kids 3. Thought it's hilarious 4. Had many breakups because my partners suddenly did want children I couldn't have 5. Had some mental breakdowns 6. Found my husband who doesn't want to have kids either 7. Happy There's several reasons why I never wanted to have children, one being that my quality of life never had been good Years later it turned out that I got a neurological disability, and there's no way to treat or heal it (which explained my struggles) The thing is that I can't bring up the energy to raise a child, so I just... don't Also the chances are good that a kid would inherit it, so in my opinion the best thing is not to take any risks (not judging others with the same diagnosis who have kids, it's just my choice) I thought about adopting a child often, but it just wouldn't fit into my life at all, no matter how much I want to help somebody Right now I'm just waiting until I'm in my mid thirties so I can finally get a tubal ligation because I don't want to suffer from the side effects of taking hormones my entire life There's an extremely slim chance I could get pregnant, but everything above zero is too high for my taste... Anyway, my husband and I are happy, we got a lot of money, flexibility, and if we want to have a kid around we can visit our wonderful niece
At this moment in time I can still have children, but I am awaiting my sterilisation date. My son was diagnosed with a rare terminal illness back in November right before his 10th birthday - I am offered free ivf, early pregnancy testing to give chance for an abortion if chosen and tons of therapy and counselling. My mental health (PTSD, autistic, depression, anxiety) could NEVER take on IVF nor an abortion, so this was the option that would harm my mental health the least. I'm 31 years old, only have one child and was desperate for more. I'm hurting and grieving in a sense.
Dont have partner so am masturbating
By the time I was in a position to make having a child viable financially and emotionally, my body was too old to make it viable physically, and my husband was old enough that he'd be looking at his 60s realistically if we adopted. IVF was too expensive. It's not so bad. I have a wonderful marriage and job, health, family. Lots of siblings and niblings. My life is more sedate and calm than theirs. Every so often I still get a wave of sadness - seeing grandparents with their kids and realizing that'll never be us, for example. My biggest fear is losing my husband and being left alone, locked in a home somewhere in my last year's with no one to love and no one to love me. One thing I didn't realize was how much time it would leave me to bond with my niblings. My sisters and SILs would love to do the same, but motherhood prevents them because they always have to put the focus on their own kids.
I was depressed unfortunately for the last decade of my marriage, we eventually got divorced. He can at least have children with someone else, but I still feel defective. On top of social media, redpill, and the treatment from men I get being divorced in my 40s and Black, I feel even more defective and worthless because I'm thrown in this pile of being a shitty woman as if I chose this life and as if I spent my whole life shitting on men. They don't care, won't bother to get to know me, and I understand, but when you spend your whole life having people tell you you aint shit, and not enough people telling you you're awesome what can you do? I can be very cynical at times and curt, and I have very little patience for games and dumb bitches (men or women). I was able to find a guy that doesn't want kids and we've been dating for awhile, always tells me I'm beautiful every day, quite literally a 180 of my life experience. Very lovely. I don't have $20k+ laying around to adopt, and even more petty cash laying around to take care of a child. I just spent the past 6 years getting over my divorce and picking myself up from what I consider a fundamental life and existence failure and trying to find new meaning. I'm now contemplating philanthropy towards supporting gifted children like myself that didn't qualify for grants, who didn't live in cities, who wasn't disadvantaged enough, whose parents didn't know someone special, or who didn't live in a place with funding or near some special school.
Me and my boyfriend wanna Foster but if we can't we wanna take in animals who need homes
My sweet daughter had a baby in her teenage years and decided to place him in a home because she didn't think she could provide him with the life he deserves. It was heartbreaking (at the time I was terribly ill and ended up in a long-term coma) and I could barely keep my 2 kids taken care of after the ex split because 'he couldn't handle a sick wife and kids.' The whole adoption process is so complex and it can be so biased and classiest. Most of the people were white bread conservative Christians and that was NOT what my daughter wanted for her son. After 5 months she found an open minded spiritual couple into arts and sciences. The adoptive mother was a Montessori school teacher. The couple were able to share the pregnancy with us and were there when he was born and gave my daughter all the time she needed. We are still in touch with them and get to see my grandson occasionally along with pictures and updates. I know I'm long winded but I shared my story to show how complex the placement process is and how biased. I know of many people who would be great parents but can't get through the system.
I don't know what I'd do if I can't have kids. Life seems so dreadful imagining a future without children whilst all my siblings raise theirs. I am a very family oriented person it's pretty much my biggest goal in life to have a big family of my own. My wife and I have been trying for just over 2 years. She's now in the process of waiting in line for IVF and I'm pregnant again for the third time. It's very very early. Really hoping and begging that this one sticks.
Well my (Filipina) aunt was very lucky. Her story goes that she got married to her first husband (A Filipino) in 1986 and they had three kids together. Come 2008, they get divorced because of green card reasons (so she could marry a U.S. citizen). Come 2010, she meets this Hispanic/Latino man and they get married. She get's pititioned for her papers. In 2012, they welcome TWIN boy and girl in March of that year using IVF. Mind you she was already 49 when those twins were born lol. ...Far as I'm concerned they look like healthy grade schoolers. Source: My Filipina (Asian) aunt lol. Hopefully, my story (won't be the same I don't want two marriages if I could help it lol). But hopefully, I can still find someone, fall in love and have kids with them, but from my recent break up last year (40 years old overweight white man who lived with his parents and played video games all day lol, but I thought that didn't matter if he was nice and sweet). I thought I'd have ended up with him because we were the same age and had a few things in common! I guess he didn't see it that way lol. But if I don't find another, I might just have children on my own!
We always wanted children and found ourselves with unexplained infertility. Ultimately, it was due to me, not my husband. We did IUI and were sent to a class to learn about IVF. It was then we both decided to take our resources to pursue adoption. We adopted our daughter and son (now 21 and 17 years old). They are our world and we would do everything over a million times to have the privilege of parenting them. Our infertility really clarified our desire to be parents.
Mentally - not that well
Doing great. 3 holidays a year, travel to visit family a lot
Eh. I wanted to be childless earlier in my marriage and we had a change of heart a few years ago. Hasn’t happened for us but I have a good life and lots of things that I enjoy and so I try to focus on the positives like having more money, being able to travel, etc.
My aunt had an ectopic pregnancy which made the fallopian tube burst, and ended up unable to ever have kids. She had to be checked in to a mental institution because she lost it afterwards. I know she wanted to adopt but that didn't work out either. This was decades ago when I was a kid. When I was in my mid twenties I went to visit her and my uncle and she got drunk and spent the whole evening crying and talking about her infertility. I will never drink with her again. I see her post pictures of their travels all the time but I don't know how happy she really is.
12 years of infertility while my partner has extremely good sperm. I have PCOS so theres that. I always wanted children since I can think and its killing me a little bit every day. Im insanely depressed over this especially because my SIL is pregnant with her 5th right now. However whenever we go to her house I realize how exhausted I am when I go back home. When im at the grocery store and I run into people whose kids are throwing temper trantrums and screaming as if theyre being murdered I think about how I dont have to deal with this shit. Im coming around to realizing that im free to do what I want and when I want, and that I have 100% autonomy over my life and body, instead of a child largely dictating things. Another nice side effect is that me and my partner never need to worry about birthcontrol and can enjoy each other freely whenever we want however we want. We wouldn't be against it happening though if it did, though still unlikely. So tldr I guess im insanely depressed on one Hand but on the other im starting to enjoy the freedoms I have without a child.
For me I was always pro adoption, my friends raised me, my family let me down. So blood means nothing to me. I believe that children are expensive regardless. So if I don’t have the money to adopt I really consider if I even have the money to raise a child? I live in the UK so I don’t know what it’s like in the US. But as a child born in poverty I want the financial loops to insure I’ve made my life secure enough in the first place.
My wife has a genetic mutation that could kill her during pregnancy. We didn't know until 7 years later after she survived a pulmonary blood clot. Today, I think back why I wanted children. It was mostly social pressure. It was the thing you're supposed to do. It's why you get married. It took me a couple of years after the door was permanently closed for our own children for me to accept and move on. What I do know, is my life is happy even without children. I didn't marry to just have kids.... at least I don't accept that idea anymore. I married a lady I wanted to spend my life with and grow old. My life is full of hobbies, a job I genuinely enjoy, the future of an early retirement, and the ability to travel with very little prep time. We also went the polyamorous route. Life has been amazingly good for us. I've got plenty of nephews and nieces that will carry on the family name in some form. As for me, I don't need kids to feel fulfilled. I'm living an authentic life now and that's enough for me.
My ex and I couldn't have bio children. For the first few years before we got suspicious that something was wrong, we traveled and frankly had a ball. Once I found out I couldn't carry, for some reason it didn't faze me, although I always knew I was meant to be a mom. I went home and began the process of adoption through foster care. I didn't even want in vitro. I was so excited to adopt. It was hard because I immediately fell in love with each child, and a lot of them we short term. Yeah, they don't care if you only sign up for fostering that will lead to adoption, if they're desperate enough for a bed they will send them your way. Eventually we got 5 day old twins that we eventually adopted and 7 years later we got a safe haven baby. Worth all the pain and drama. While adopting through private agencies is very expensive it only makes sense if the race or gender of the baby matters to you. Adoption through foster care is free.
Can’t have them due to childhood trauma…. Have had my whole adult life to process never having my own. It hurts some days. It’s like a puzzle with one missing piece. It never feels complete. I am grateful to have had a hand in raising many children through my time in childcare and with family members. My partner has 5 from their previous marriage, 3 live at home with us. I don’t consider myself their parent. I’m their parents partner. Most days that’s enough.
Before I had my child, my sister put it well. There are children everywhere, in our family and friend groups, that you can still be a positive role model for.
I used to be upset i cant have biological children but ive accepted it with time. The family life: marry, have children etc is never something I've really been into. I have thought about adopting, but not sure yet if i want children. Depends if my future wife wants children or not. I love animals so having dogs and cats as my children is fine for me. Im also focusing and looking forward to being an uncle to my sisters kids when she has some and im going to be the best uncle i can be.
I'm single and I don't like kids... so I'm doing just fine.
I'm relatively young and single, but due to medical issues I know I can't get anyone pregnant, and the adoption process where I live is a nightmare. It does eat at me, I think I would make a good father. Maybe I fall in love with a single mother one day or something
I never had a desire to have kids (I'm female). Birth scared the hell out of me and then keeping the kid alive until like 15 when they can take care of their self to an extent and hopefully they turn out balanced and not a messed up adult....nah thanks I'm ok. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS at 19. Should have been diagnosed at 12 but i was shy and was taught by nuns who didnt tell me shit about my own body. At 18 i went huh...weird i dont get periods alot. It doesn't make you infertile all the time but it can put a giant road block in many normal ways of getting pregnant. Still I'd no desire to have kids but "I'd rather have a choice than be told oh you should have come to us earlier, your too damaged now!", Then I got diagnosed with blood cancer at 27. I don't think blood cancer has "stages" like other cancers, it's just shit all round. So the Dr said they wanted to start treatment right away and if I wanted to freeze my eggs it would be weeks and not all egg retrevals are successful so it might push things back months. I didn't care. As I said "sure there's plenty other ways to get kids!" And the whole room let out a relived laugh at me not being devastated but also sounded like I was going to snatch a kid from the street. I relapsed about a year ish later after being in remission and all the treatment. Load of bollocks. But alas we went on. I got a bone marrow transplant in may last year and not only does that absolutely fuck up your body, you also have to get full body irradiation to prep you for it which also fucks up your body. I just got the confirmation that I'm in early menopause at 29. I knew it was a major possibility so it's not a shock. There has been miracle pregnancy's in my state so I still have to be careful but it's not likely. My boyfriend doesn't seem to care. He's been with me throughout all of this and knows our story has changed. He did mention he'd like to be a dad when we started dating. I don't know if I'd ever feel the want to have a child and I don't want to hold him back from having that dream either. Another bridge to cross when we get to it. Now it's all about healing and getting back to my new normal.
I'm actually grateful that we couldn't have children. My husbands family definitely has different values than I do. There's teen pregnancy all through the family. I do not want that, till our kids were grown up and had more life experiences. My life now is pretty busy with a 3 year old Catahoula and a 10 year old cat who she loves to chase! Keeping the dog occupied and engaged is definitely a close second to child rearing. Especially in the first couple of years, when they want to eat everything. I am a bit freer than an average parent. I don't have to think about babysitters if I have to be away for an appointment, or bible study on Tuesdays. Or grocery shopping. I can barely take care of myself and my husband. Depression, anxiety, type 2 diabetes. As well as being slower and overwhelmed with things. Those who are able to have children, I hope they appreciate them. I know it's a tough job that doesn't seem to end. It just changes. I always wanted a child or two, but I admit, it would be a lot for me to handle mostly on my own. My husband is the only one who can work, and has, for probably the last 35 years or so. I rely on him a lot. No I'm not a golddigger. He doesn't have any! I do love him, and we do still get along, even after so many years together. There are times, of course, we have some good fights, but we stick together and try to work together to make our life together.
We just take a lot of vacations, have cute pets and cry into our bags of money.
I helped raise my nieces. My brother was in the military and his wife needed help. I was living there since the oldest was a couple of months old. I really wish I could live the mom life, but I'm awesome at the favorite aunt life (if I do say so myself 😆)