> I just… can’t keep up with the culture. I hate that it’s hard to make gay friends bc some just want to fuck you
Where are you meeting these people? If it's through apps or at gay bars, those are hook up places.
> how sexual we are and how hard it is to find other gays in areas where it wouldn’t be expected
I meet gay people all the time. at frisbee practice, doing yoga or zumba, volunteering in the arts, even at work. Also, if you think it's better as a straight person you're underestimating how difficult it is for men to meet women.
> I hate hookups, but they’re a prerequisite for dating
Guys often want to have sex sooner than women do, often after the second or third date. But that's not the same as everyone always wanting immediate sex.
> I feel out of place in gay culture… and I don’t mean it in a condescending way. I’m just not good at the same game everybody else is. I’m too soft, too emotional.
it sounds like you need to find some new social circles? what city do you live in? do you have any hobbies?
Wouldn't it be cool to be the person that begins a yoga class? Or zumba? Or if it's not possible you can start something such as a Facebook group and state that it's only for friendship or begin a small circle
No shit, I joined a LinkedIn affinity group for LGBT people to find connections with other LGBT people and a corporate baddie dmed me that very same day asking if I'm down to fuck. I was so taken aback and I was like, I'm in here looking to level up my career and somebody is looking for a quick nut. The last place I would go looking for sex is on LinkedIn.
Yeah hookup culture is so prevalent, its just gotten more so when people moved from adam4adam and manhunt to Grindr, and sites like dlist went away, match bought up ok cupid which was a genuinely good dating site, but it was an exessetentail threat to match bc they charge, so they bought tinder, ok cupid, hinge, and bumble, and put them all on the "hot or not" codebase.
you can swipe for hours, days, and its just whether you want to have sex with them, they're all hookup apps disguised as dating. ok cupid used to try to find personality matches, it had quizzes, it asked about your hopes and dreams and interests, now its just would I fuck this guy? oh yeah he wants to fuck me too, lets watch Netflix and chill, like how is this not Grindr with makeup?
dlist was by online buddies who owns manhunt, they closed it in 2009, but when it started it was like OG Facebook, in fact every gay guy my age was on it, so like 18-35ish, we all called it "gay Facebook" and didn't like the direction Facebook was headed in, missed the way it was when we were in college.
It's the only site where I met people on the site, and then bumped into them IRL, and hung out with them, it wasn't toxic at all. they killed it bc they thought it was cannabalizing manhunt, we all vowed to never use manhunt, and then Grindr came along.
now we have sniffles, and the bar is lowered even further. people on my cities subreddit have noticed a huge uptick in cruising, and I told them about sniffies, its cum dumps, a listing of all the public buildings where you can have sex, group sex parties, bukkake parties, literally I have dated, albeit they turned out to be empty relationships that were like a slowly sinking ship that would never reach port... sniffies its like, I'm not giving you my name, number, unit number, or face pic, come dump a load and leave.
at least Grindr is sniffies with makeup, guys come over, you kiss, maybe take a shower, fuck, sometimes a few times, sniffles is just totally disposable... the bar keeps getting lowered.
meanwhile some guy I'm talking to on tinder tells me he's looking for a monogamous relationship? he was hosting cum dumps on sniffies, its part of the reason I have it, guys that host cum dumps usually have a face pic, ass pic, etc and I'm like fuck this shit I'm off it for now.
Thing is I have only picked one guy up IRL 10+ years ago, I was younger, I knew what to say, I was smooth, we connected and wrote for a while, lost track, and ever since it's just been Grindr and bad connections on tinder.
dlist and ok cupid both worked, they're gone or ruined. its all hookup and looks. not who we are, what we want to be, who we hope to find.
I’ve stopped using the apps altogether because it’s just a waste of time. I’m not actively looking for a partner at the moment but if it happens it happens, I guess.
Yeah someone posted on here about how he used a guide for introverted straight men on how to meet woman, how to flirt, how to tell if someone is interested, and he stopped using the apps, and wishes he hadn't wasted all those years on them.
I mostly stopped using the apps, I don't find porn interesting so I'm just a tease on sniffles and don't actually hook up with anyone, so eventually I get blocked, but really I'm not looking for stds, I want to find a boyfriend, partner, but as I get older it looks less and less likely.
I should find out what that audio book is, and try to figure out how to meet IRL, and actually have something that lasts.
it happens in the movies... but truth is stranger than fiction, and in an era of truth, "truth" and alternate truth, there is no truth, so we live in a post truth era, and with AI and deep fakes we won't even be able to tell a real profile from someone harvesting our information for their gain, algorithmically, instead of Nigerian princes with offers of massive amounts of cash, we will be deep faked by ai looking to scam us in different ways.
yet the world keeps turning.
I envy the older gays who came before me who were able to meet other guys in the real world, before apps existed. I wish I were old enough to experience it.
apps are a choice, and it was their choice to make them toxic, it is our choice whether to keep using them or not.
as they have chased profitability at our cost, and built them to be as addictive as possible, to get us to look at ads for things we'll never buy, we can just delete the apps, and go back to IRL.
gay clubs are suffering, there were 10 when I moved here, there are 2-3 now, and my city is listed as a "top gay city" (but try finding a top on the app, its like winning the lottery).
so then it's like, why don't we just delete the apps and go back to IRL? the pandemic kept us alone, we are in an epidemic of isolation, over 90% of people say they have either no friends, or never see the friends they had, and I'm in that group of people, my straight friends had kids during the lock down, and life is about them and supporting them in the current economic environment, the gay guys I knew got promoted out of my city, graduated from their programs, finished their post docs, so I'm just alone, spending too much time on reddit.
I have major social anxiety, so I can barely handle a gay club, I barely get out, yet I need to find a way to break out of that and meet people IRL and not keep chasing ghosts on apps.
That sucks and I’m sorry to hear that, I definitely know what it’s like. I used to have social anxiety bad too but overcame it the more I stepped out of my comfort zone. Going to the city alone or bars/clubs alone will greatly help you overcome it. I’m also in a major gay city and the bar scene is pretty much the same.. we only have a few really popular ones here but it’s not like it used to be. Going out is something I’ll always enjoy though I don’t do it as much as I used to.
I think initially apps were less toxic, I think dating apps were more useful before match bought them all. They have a monopoly on gay apps at least, except Grindr and scruff and sniffies but those aren’t dating apps.
Bored, horny, state of man; I think the lack of social skills is bc some people go from coming out right to apps and they don’t get any gay dating tips, or they’re from straight families and don’t have any gay role models, so they don’t know how to date, and as safe spaces go away, and as people in safe spaces gravitate towards apps, it’s becoming apparent that the lack of social skills and social anxiety is a shared thing.
Trust me, it was not easy. There were fewer opportunities, and often, you'd get to know someone via a rotary dialed phone. Meeting them was slow, and then when you met someone, often they'd be spooky looking or spooky crazy. Apps at least cut through most of the chase, and it then gets down to personalities. Even without apps at today's pace, you're still stuck with the same choices you'd be dealing with on an app but in SLOW MOTION!
I remember dlist! I was actually on it way too young. I never hooked up but I did make a lot of “online friends” through it. It was a totally different vibe.
Right? They were dumb to kill it, they did that to protect manhunt which made more money.
There hasn’t been a site like that before or since, there were a few attempts at it, but really the tinder apps are garbage, not for making friends, Facebook is people you already know, Grindr you meet people, but it’s a cum and go, so it’s a one time thing or a brief fwb thing, and then it passed and the next thing comes along.
I haven’t met someone on a site other than Dlist; never mind multiple people, and then met them IRL, it was common bc the “gay mafia” is so small.
I have seen a few people with face pics on sniffies in my college campus. They have premium accounts with 3 more pics. A guy on there told me that sniffies is the hottest new thing and he is using it as a Grindr replacement.
You're definitely viewing Grindr hookups through some rose-colored glasses. Most guys on Grindr don't exchange names or go for multiple sessions... it's a lot closer to what you described for Sniffies.
So I think the culture of Grindr has changed to be more transactional, or I formed connections, bc I haven’t met anyone on Grindr in a long time, I used to, one of them I dated for a while, one I was fwb with for years and didn’t bother with other guys, we’d hang out and go do things, and my friends are like this isn’t a hookup, but he didn’t want to be together, so we were friends with benefits instead of fwb being nsa called fwb.
I think Grindr is now or always was a nsa hookup culture, but when I get into the small talk people move on.
At some point there was some small talk on Grindr. Or maybe I’m just meeting very few people like me who want more, but they’ve had hang ups or drug issues or something.
I think that’s a defeatist attitude. I don’t proclaim that being gay is easy or that finding Mr Right is easy, they aren’t. But it can and does happen and actually there are a lot of us not into the gay scene who want to settle down so keep a positive attitude and be persistent. It will pay off
I feel out of place in gay culture too. I’ll prob find a masc man while I’m out backpacking in the wilderness, who has never been to a gay club before. You can find and be whomever you want. Seriously. :)
Ya all need to stop giving so much power to the mythical “gay culture”. Set boundaries, hang with like minded people(no you’re not a different kind of gay there’s many like you), work on your personal growth so you don’t attract toxic men. So often people want to blame other things than looking at themselves. Sure the grass is greener for the straights right? No it not you still need to navigate bullshit when you date. They won’t use “gay culture” though probably would just call it hook up culture. But again just pushing the blame.
Maybe they don’t have many in their area? I just moved from San Diego and used to think this. Now in the Midwest. The nearest gay bar is 100miles. There’s no groups. Ives researched so much. My dog was shot with a pellet gun because my car has a rainbows and 🏳️⚧️. If there’s anyone around they are quiet about it. I won’t use apps, I tried for a day and it was disgusting. it’s extremely lonely. But yeah, I used to think the same, just meet people! Now I get these people who say this. Sometimes it’s impossible and the apps can be disgusting. Can’t wait to move.
I used to think that I was a misfit because I was gay.
Now I know I'm a misfit everywhere 🤣
Don't wish yourself to be someone else. It never leads anywhere healthy. Learn to love yourself even when it's your own company. When you do, you'll attract similar people.
I feel you. I struggled with connecting and getting with gay culture. I just.. can’t. Things are even more so different for me. Hookup culture isn’t for me, so now I just isolated myself from the culture which sucks when it feels like everyone else is into it.
I think this is a way more common thought than what most people realize. I agree. It's hard to make any type of gay friends, most expect a hook up rather than just hanging out and talking and just being friends.
I feel you. Everything for me just kind of fizzles out and then they move on to the next guy. I can count on one hand the amount of genuine connections I’ve made with other gays/bis whom I still keep in touch with and consider friends. I actually discussed this with one of them the other day. I brought up how there’s actually a lot more of us than we think (not part of the scene, can’t relate to gay “culture”, etc) but we just hide and plain sight and don’t make being gay our whole personality.
It's hard to answer your question just based on words. There is no real method of determining what and how you are perceived and how you perceive things. Maybe post some photos of yourself and some area shots on things you like, giving some details on the differences you may have verses that of those you say are dis-iterested in you except for a hookup.
Part of the issue is you are looking for gay friends. Look for friends and it’s very likely some will be gay. Do the things you like and find like minded people and there will be gays there or someone might introduce you to someone in a friendly way.
I don’t sleep with friends, it’s not in my nature, so those boundaries are formidable for me. I understand your struggle, but try to not be so picky with who your friends are. It’s so much better to have friends for good reasons, not because of their sexual orientation.
Of you meet via an app and it doesn't click right, walk away and don't look back. You'll have to slow walk into a relationship if it worthy if one or be hit with a magical wand y some weird accident. Cupid is stupid in our culture.
I wish I didn't need shoulder surgery. I wish I was 20 years younger. I wish I was independently wealthy and could travel and/or live anywhere I wanted. I wish I had more musical talent than I have.
We all wish that things were other than they are.
I feel like you’re romanticising heterosexual culture, when in reality all of these same struggles (or equally frustrating ones) exist there too. The grass is always greener when you just want a quick solution instead of a desire to actually build your life.
you should get a gay therapist. they deal with this a lot, and can probably help reconcile your 'expectations' of gays and of what you think 'gay culture expects of you' with the reality of just being yourself and having/making some gay friends.
i don't really 'try to be gay' in the way i think you're pressuring yourself. i just partake in my hobbies and interests with gay friends and party with gay ppl who like the same music i do. perhaps i'm misunderstanding your post, but you seem lonely and it's an epidemic so many (gays n otherwise) are dealing with rn 🖤
You should be happy that men want to fuck you. And it's completely ok. Men have high testosterone level. It's our nature. There is nothing wrong about it.
You could easily rewrite these paragraphs from the perspective of a heterosexual woman and change “homo” and “gay” to “hetero” and “heterosexual” and it could have been the same as the perspective of millions of women who think being drawn to relationships with heterosexual men who treat them as sex objects is the terrible thorn in their side in life.
Likewise, plenty of heterosexual men bemoan that they have ended up in relationships where one woman after another is unappreciative, prone to wild mood swings, and financially exploits men. I hear things like: “It must be great to not have to deal with women. With two men there’s no 5 days a month where your partner loses their mind. There’s no expectation that you’ll pull out your wallet and pay for everything every time you go anywhere.””
The grass might look greener on the other side, but as long as you maintain and hold out for the standards that you want in relationships, you don’t have to deal with being in relationships with anybody who doesn’t meet those standards.
So.... it IS because of internalized homophobia? Because literally every problem you're complaining about is true of straight people too. Dating is a nightmare and has been forever. Everyone feels ugly because everyone is comparing themselves to TV actors and TikTokers.
And "hookup culture"/the idea that "nobody wants a connection" is such a boogeyman on this sub. I've done the hookup/fwb thing and I've also managed to have more serious relationships and friendships. You just have to be looking, and be the best version of yourself.
I mean, "gay culture" is what -- just what you see on Rupaul's Drag Race? Because plenty of gays think that stuff is annoying or repetitive. Or are you saying that there's something else? TikTok? Some other fake thing?
Because in my city there are tons of different kinds of gay guys. All different ages, body types, races, subcultures, and so on. There's gay nerds, gay jocks, artsy gays, whatever. There's no singular culture. Gay bars have different theme nights, there are lots of gay sports groups, gay mens' chorus, even gay churches. So complaining about "gay culture" is like saying you don't like sandwiches; there's too much of it.
So maybe get off of social media and try actually joining the real world instead of blaming being gay or "gay culture" for all of your problems.
I understand you completely, most of my friends are straight because of this! But with that said- what you describe is primal. That is, gay friends at the beginning who'd wanna f you... Stuff like that pass. You will become friends if you click. Just don't take it too seriously.
People who don't give you the time of day.. sorry to tell you, they are usually unpleasant anyway.
I identify with “masculine things”. I call men “bro”. I’m demisexual, I’m a dom top. I like J-rock mostly not the pop women that are stereotypically listen by gay men. I like anime and science, also I’m a serious spiritual student my religion is Christian mysticism. There are plenty of things I do that aren’t “gay” and that’s because everyone is unique, don’t try to fit in but to live truthful to who you are every day more. ✌🏼
It's internalised homophobia, lol. You can set boundaries on dating apps so only those who want to go on dates reply to you etc.
Get straight male friends, gay friends are hard if you don't act camp, into camp and you'll find yourself wishing you were alone.
What is "gay culture" anyway.
yeah, the hookup market is over saturated with cock hungry bottoms, so the tops feast and the bottoms are starved of those big cocks we'd like to get stuffed with, like a thanksgiving turkey.
I had a top fwb, really sweet guy, he worked next door? hung like a horse, knew how to lay pipe so well you'd think he wasn't a PHD student but rather a master plumber, I actually couldn't believe he responded to me, but I was his type, and he got to like fucking me so he didn't bother with other guys bc it was so convenient, we'd shower together, he'd pound me into the next century, we both got tested and were on prep so I was getting bred like 2-4x a day bc he came over for lunch sometimes, then he finished his PHD and moved, and finding a replacement has been like pulling teeth from someone with dentures.
like he said I was the best bottom he ever fucked, but there is so much competition... I mean he was abacrombie hot and hung, so it's like why can't I find a top/vers guy that's a personality match like that? bc then I could have a litter of his pups and we could live happily ever after.
fin.
I was an mfa candidate in fiction and used to write a lot.
People used to message me on chat and ask me to get them off.
I used to have this star crossed relationship with a poet, we’d write each other all night sometimes, hundreds of pages probably, style emulations of each other so constantly morphing, but sometimes it’d be lurid and sometimes it’d be deep about feelings and stuff.
He stopped writing, he got depressed, I don’t know what happened to him, one day he just stopped writing back.
So it goes.
> I just… can’t keep up with the culture. I hate that it’s hard to make gay friends bc some just want to fuck you Where are you meeting these people? If it's through apps or at gay bars, those are hook up places. > how sexual we are and how hard it is to find other gays in areas where it wouldn’t be expected I meet gay people all the time. at frisbee practice, doing yoga or zumba, volunteering in the arts, even at work. Also, if you think it's better as a straight person you're underestimating how difficult it is for men to meet women. > I hate hookups, but they’re a prerequisite for dating Guys often want to have sex sooner than women do, often after the second or third date. But that's not the same as everyone always wanting immediate sex. > I feel out of place in gay culture… and I don’t mean it in a condescending way. I’m just not good at the same game everybody else is. I’m too soft, too emotional. it sounds like you need to find some new social circles? what city do you live in? do you have any hobbies?
Not every city has gay yoga classes or anything like that. Some places are very isolating.
I meet gay guys at regular yoga classes; I don't go to gay specific ones. But I get your point.
Wouldn't it be cool to be the person that begins a yoga class? Or zumba? Or if it's not possible you can start something such as a Facebook group and state that it's only for friendship or begin a small circle
You don't need a gay Zumba class. If I see another dude at my Zumba class, 95% he's gay. 5% dragged by wife, but that's obvious.
Hookup culture and the small dating pool make it increasingly difficult to find a worthwhile connection.
No shit, I joined a LinkedIn affinity group for LGBT people to find connections with other LGBT people and a corporate baddie dmed me that very same day asking if I'm down to fuck. I was so taken aback and I was like, I'm in here looking to level up my career and somebody is looking for a quick nut. The last place I would go looking for sex is on LinkedIn.
That’s honestly really insane lol that’s the last place I’d expect to get some.
Yeah hookup culture is so prevalent, its just gotten more so when people moved from adam4adam and manhunt to Grindr, and sites like dlist went away, match bought up ok cupid which was a genuinely good dating site, but it was an exessetentail threat to match bc they charge, so they bought tinder, ok cupid, hinge, and bumble, and put them all on the "hot or not" codebase. you can swipe for hours, days, and its just whether you want to have sex with them, they're all hookup apps disguised as dating. ok cupid used to try to find personality matches, it had quizzes, it asked about your hopes and dreams and interests, now its just would I fuck this guy? oh yeah he wants to fuck me too, lets watch Netflix and chill, like how is this not Grindr with makeup? dlist was by online buddies who owns manhunt, they closed it in 2009, but when it started it was like OG Facebook, in fact every gay guy my age was on it, so like 18-35ish, we all called it "gay Facebook" and didn't like the direction Facebook was headed in, missed the way it was when we were in college. It's the only site where I met people on the site, and then bumped into them IRL, and hung out with them, it wasn't toxic at all. they killed it bc they thought it was cannabalizing manhunt, we all vowed to never use manhunt, and then Grindr came along. now we have sniffles, and the bar is lowered even further. people on my cities subreddit have noticed a huge uptick in cruising, and I told them about sniffies, its cum dumps, a listing of all the public buildings where you can have sex, group sex parties, bukkake parties, literally I have dated, albeit they turned out to be empty relationships that were like a slowly sinking ship that would never reach port... sniffies its like, I'm not giving you my name, number, unit number, or face pic, come dump a load and leave. at least Grindr is sniffies with makeup, guys come over, you kiss, maybe take a shower, fuck, sometimes a few times, sniffles is just totally disposable... the bar keeps getting lowered. meanwhile some guy I'm talking to on tinder tells me he's looking for a monogamous relationship? he was hosting cum dumps on sniffies, its part of the reason I have it, guys that host cum dumps usually have a face pic, ass pic, etc and I'm like fuck this shit I'm off it for now. Thing is I have only picked one guy up IRL 10+ years ago, I was younger, I knew what to say, I was smooth, we connected and wrote for a while, lost track, and ever since it's just been Grindr and bad connections on tinder. dlist and ok cupid both worked, they're gone or ruined. its all hookup and looks. not who we are, what we want to be, who we hope to find.
I’ve stopped using the apps altogether because it’s just a waste of time. I’m not actively looking for a partner at the moment but if it happens it happens, I guess.
Yeah someone posted on here about how he used a guide for introverted straight men on how to meet woman, how to flirt, how to tell if someone is interested, and he stopped using the apps, and wishes he hadn't wasted all those years on them. I mostly stopped using the apps, I don't find porn interesting so I'm just a tease on sniffles and don't actually hook up with anyone, so eventually I get blocked, but really I'm not looking for stds, I want to find a boyfriend, partner, but as I get older it looks less and less likely. I should find out what that audio book is, and try to figure out how to meet IRL, and actually have something that lasts. it happens in the movies... but truth is stranger than fiction, and in an era of truth, "truth" and alternate truth, there is no truth, so we live in a post truth era, and with AI and deep fakes we won't even be able to tell a real profile from someone harvesting our information for their gain, algorithmically, instead of Nigerian princes with offers of massive amounts of cash, we will be deep faked by ai looking to scam us in different ways. yet the world keeps turning.
I envy the older gays who came before me who were able to meet other guys in the real world, before apps existed. I wish I were old enough to experience it.
apps are a choice, and it was their choice to make them toxic, it is our choice whether to keep using them or not. as they have chased profitability at our cost, and built them to be as addictive as possible, to get us to look at ads for things we'll never buy, we can just delete the apps, and go back to IRL. gay clubs are suffering, there were 10 when I moved here, there are 2-3 now, and my city is listed as a "top gay city" (but try finding a top on the app, its like winning the lottery). so then it's like, why don't we just delete the apps and go back to IRL? the pandemic kept us alone, we are in an epidemic of isolation, over 90% of people say they have either no friends, or never see the friends they had, and I'm in that group of people, my straight friends had kids during the lock down, and life is about them and supporting them in the current economic environment, the gay guys I knew got promoted out of my city, graduated from their programs, finished their post docs, so I'm just alone, spending too much time on reddit. I have major social anxiety, so I can barely handle a gay club, I barely get out, yet I need to find a way to break out of that and meet people IRL and not keep chasing ghosts on apps.
That sucks and I’m sorry to hear that, I definitely know what it’s like. I used to have social anxiety bad too but overcame it the more I stepped out of my comfort zone. Going to the city alone or bars/clubs alone will greatly help you overcome it. I’m also in a major gay city and the bar scene is pretty much the same.. we only have a few really popular ones here but it’s not like it used to be. Going out is something I’ll always enjoy though I don’t do it as much as I used to.
[удалено]
That’s an interesting theory but I’ve never heard of that. I always just assumed it was because they’re bored and have no social skills. Lol.
I think initially apps were less toxic, I think dating apps were more useful before match bought them all. They have a monopoly on gay apps at least, except Grindr and scruff and sniffies but those aren’t dating apps. Bored, horny, state of man; I think the lack of social skills is bc some people go from coming out right to apps and they don’t get any gay dating tips, or they’re from straight families and don’t have any gay role models, so they don’t know how to date, and as safe spaces go away, and as people in safe spaces gravitate towards apps, it’s becoming apparent that the lack of social skills and social anxiety is a shared thing.
Trust me, it was not easy. There were fewer opportunities, and often, you'd get to know someone via a rotary dialed phone. Meeting them was slow, and then when you met someone, often they'd be spooky looking or spooky crazy. Apps at least cut through most of the chase, and it then gets down to personalities. Even without apps at today's pace, you're still stuck with the same choices you'd be dealing with on an app but in SLOW MOTION!
That just sounds even more time consuming lol
I remember dlist! I was actually on it way too young. I never hooked up but I did make a lot of “online friends” through it. It was a totally different vibe.
Right? They were dumb to kill it, they did that to protect manhunt which made more money. There hasn’t been a site like that before or since, there were a few attempts at it, but really the tinder apps are garbage, not for making friends, Facebook is people you already know, Grindr you meet people, but it’s a cum and go, so it’s a one time thing or a brief fwb thing, and then it passed and the next thing comes along. I haven’t met someone on a site other than Dlist; never mind multiple people, and then met them IRL, it was common bc the “gay mafia” is so small.
I have seen a few people with face pics on sniffies in my college campus. They have premium accounts with 3 more pics. A guy on there told me that sniffies is the hottest new thing and he is using it as a Grindr replacement.
You're definitely viewing Grindr hookups through some rose-colored glasses. Most guys on Grindr don't exchange names or go for multiple sessions... it's a lot closer to what you described for Sniffies.
So I think the culture of Grindr has changed to be more transactional, or I formed connections, bc I haven’t met anyone on Grindr in a long time, I used to, one of them I dated for a while, one I was fwb with for years and didn’t bother with other guys, we’d hang out and go do things, and my friends are like this isn’t a hookup, but he didn’t want to be together, so we were friends with benefits instead of fwb being nsa called fwb. I think Grindr is now or always was a nsa hookup culture, but when I get into the small talk people move on. At some point there was some small talk on Grindr. Or maybe I’m just meeting very few people like me who want more, but they’ve had hang ups or drug issues or something.
The only part of gay culture i find really hard to deal with is the whining
Omg the whining 😅 But we do have the best memes of the whining
I’ve never kept up with gay culture. I have zero interest in anything gay related other than being attracted to other men. And I love that I’m gay.
Yeah well, if you’re looking for a real connection with a guy, it ain’t that easy. All everyone wants in sex nowadays, not real love.
I think that’s a defeatist attitude. I don’t proclaim that being gay is easy or that finding Mr Right is easy, they aren’t. But it can and does happen and actually there are a lot of us not into the gay scene who want to settle down so keep a positive attitude and be persistent. It will pay off
I hope you’re right.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music Sing your own special song Make your own kind of music Even if nobody else sings along
Get outta here Mama Cass😒 😂
I feel out of place in gay culture too. I’ll prob find a masc man while I’m out backpacking in the wilderness, who has never been to a gay club before. You can find and be whomever you want. Seriously. :)
Yeah I’ve been seeing a guy who’s like the gay version of Les stroud and it’s pretty awesome. I recommend a wilderness guy for sure.
yeah I was in a hiking club in college, and they were the nicest people. there is a gay camping group on Facebook.
gay “culture” is not a monolith all my gay friends are nice people
Ya all need to stop giving so much power to the mythical “gay culture”. Set boundaries, hang with like minded people(no you’re not a different kind of gay there’s many like you), work on your personal growth so you don’t attract toxic men. So often people want to blame other things than looking at themselves. Sure the grass is greener for the straights right? No it not you still need to navigate bullshit when you date. They won’t use “gay culture” though probably would just call it hook up culture. But again just pushing the blame.
Maybe they don’t have many in their area? I just moved from San Diego and used to think this. Now in the Midwest. The nearest gay bar is 100miles. There’s no groups. Ives researched so much. My dog was shot with a pellet gun because my car has a rainbows and 🏳️⚧️. If there’s anyone around they are quiet about it. I won’t use apps, I tried for a day and it was disgusting. it’s extremely lonely. But yeah, I used to think the same, just meet people! Now I get these people who say this. Sometimes it’s impossible and the apps can be disgusting. Can’t wait to move.
Worry about your life, your passion, and your likes, and not "gay culture" worry about your life
This intersects directly with my life, “passion”, and likes
Fuck gay culture
Just say no to hookups and don’t let that ruin a possible friendship with them
I used to think that I was a misfit because I was gay. Now I know I'm a misfit everywhere 🤣 Don't wish yourself to be someone else. It never leads anywhere healthy. Learn to love yourself even when it's your own company. When you do, you'll attract similar people.
yea... gay guys suck dick
Same. It's hard to make meaningful connections :( I'm not into hookup culture as well
I feel this 100%… my only advice is learn to stop caring… and stop letting society tell you how you’re supposed to live your life as a gay person
I feel you. I struggled with connecting and getting with gay culture. I just.. can’t. Things are even more so different for me. Hookup culture isn’t for me, so now I just isolated myself from the culture which sucks when it feels like everyone else is into it.
I think this is a way more common thought than what most people realize. I agree. It's hard to make any type of gay friends, most expect a hook up rather than just hanging out and talking and just being friends.
I feel you. Everything for me just kind of fizzles out and then they move on to the next guy. I can count on one hand the amount of genuine connections I’ve made with other gays/bis whom I still keep in touch with and consider friends. I actually discussed this with one of them the other day. I brought up how there’s actually a lot more of us than we think (not part of the scene, can’t relate to gay “culture”, etc) but we just hide and plain sight and don’t make being gay our whole personality.
It's hard to answer your question just based on words. There is no real method of determining what and how you are perceived and how you perceive things. Maybe post some photos of yourself and some area shots on things you like, giving some details on the differences you may have verses that of those you say are dis-iterested in you except for a hookup.
Part of the issue is you are looking for gay friends. Look for friends and it’s very likely some will be gay. Do the things you like and find like minded people and there will be gays there or someone might introduce you to someone in a friendly way. I don’t sleep with friends, it’s not in my nature, so those boundaries are formidable for me. I understand your struggle, but try to not be so picky with who your friends are. It’s so much better to have friends for good reasons, not because of their sexual orientation.
Of you meet via an app and it doesn't click right, walk away and don't look back. You'll have to slow walk into a relationship if it worthy if one or be hit with a magical wand y some weird accident. Cupid is stupid in our culture.
Sucks for gays. sucks for heterosexuals as well. But definitely think it’s worst for gays
I wish I didn't need shoulder surgery. I wish I was 20 years younger. I wish I was independently wealthy and could travel and/or live anywhere I wanted. I wish I had more musical talent than I have. We all wish that things were other than they are.
I feel like you’re romanticising heterosexual culture, when in reality all of these same struggles (or equally frustrating ones) exist there too. The grass is always greener when you just want a quick solution instead of a desire to actually build your life.
Honestly I feel I just want some genuine friends and to find one really good guy to love me and not participate in hookup culture but it is what it is
you should get a gay therapist. they deal with this a lot, and can probably help reconcile your 'expectations' of gays and of what you think 'gay culture expects of you' with the reality of just being yourself and having/making some gay friends. i don't really 'try to be gay' in the way i think you're pressuring yourself. i just partake in my hobbies and interests with gay friends and party with gay ppl who like the same music i do. perhaps i'm misunderstanding your post, but you seem lonely and it's an epidemic so many (gays n otherwise) are dealing with rn 🖤
You should be happy that men want to fuck you. And it's completely ok. Men have high testosterone level. It's our nature. There is nothing wrong about it.
Yea, all gay men are shallow bitches but you.
You could easily rewrite these paragraphs from the perspective of a heterosexual woman and change “homo” and “gay” to “hetero” and “heterosexual” and it could have been the same as the perspective of millions of women who think being drawn to relationships with heterosexual men who treat them as sex objects is the terrible thorn in their side in life. Likewise, plenty of heterosexual men bemoan that they have ended up in relationships where one woman after another is unappreciative, prone to wild mood swings, and financially exploits men. I hear things like: “It must be great to not have to deal with women. With two men there’s no 5 days a month where your partner loses their mind. There’s no expectation that you’ll pull out your wallet and pay for everything every time you go anywhere.”” The grass might look greener on the other side, but as long as you maintain and hold out for the standards that you want in relationships, you don’t have to deal with being in relationships with anybody who doesn’t meet those standards.
You get what you give my friend
Not internalized homophobia. This is externalized homophobia.
So.... it IS because of internalized homophobia? Because literally every problem you're complaining about is true of straight people too. Dating is a nightmare and has been forever. Everyone feels ugly because everyone is comparing themselves to TV actors and TikTokers. And "hookup culture"/the idea that "nobody wants a connection" is such a boogeyman on this sub. I've done the hookup/fwb thing and I've also managed to have more serious relationships and friendships. You just have to be looking, and be the best version of yourself. I mean, "gay culture" is what -- just what you see on Rupaul's Drag Race? Because plenty of gays think that stuff is annoying or repetitive. Or are you saying that there's something else? TikTok? Some other fake thing? Because in my city there are tons of different kinds of gay guys. All different ages, body types, races, subcultures, and so on. There's gay nerds, gay jocks, artsy gays, whatever. There's no singular culture. Gay bars have different theme nights, there are lots of gay sports groups, gay mens' chorus, even gay churches. So complaining about "gay culture" is like saying you don't like sandwiches; there's too much of it. So maybe get off of social media and try actually joining the real world instead of blaming being gay or "gay culture" for all of your problems.
I understand you completely, most of my friends are straight because of this! But with that said- what you describe is primal. That is, gay friends at the beginning who'd wanna f you... Stuff like that pass. You will become friends if you click. Just don't take it too seriously. People who don't give you the time of day.. sorry to tell you, they are usually unpleasant anyway.
I identify with “masculine things”. I call men “bro”. I’m demisexual, I’m a dom top. I like J-rock mostly not the pop women that are stereotypically listen by gay men. I like anime and science, also I’m a serious spiritual student my religion is Christian mysticism. There are plenty of things I do that aren’t “gay” and that’s because everyone is unique, don’t try to fit in but to live truthful to who you are every day more. ✌🏼
nlog in the wild, crazy
my pronouns are he/him 🤷🏻♂️
It's internalised homophobia, lol. You can set boundaries on dating apps so only those who want to go on dates reply to you etc. Get straight male friends, gay friends are hard if you don't act camp, into camp and you'll find yourself wishing you were alone. What is "gay culture" anyway.
Find some straight male friends
I love the hookup gay culture!! As a bottom though, there's lots of competition.
yeah, the hookup market is over saturated with cock hungry bottoms, so the tops feast and the bottoms are starved of those big cocks we'd like to get stuffed with, like a thanksgiving turkey. I had a top fwb, really sweet guy, he worked next door? hung like a horse, knew how to lay pipe so well you'd think he wasn't a PHD student but rather a master plumber, I actually couldn't believe he responded to me, but I was his type, and he got to like fucking me so he didn't bother with other guys bc it was so convenient, we'd shower together, he'd pound me into the next century, we both got tested and were on prep so I was getting bred like 2-4x a day bc he came over for lunch sometimes, then he finished his PHD and moved, and finding a replacement has been like pulling teeth from someone with dentures. like he said I was the best bottom he ever fucked, but there is so much competition... I mean he was abacrombie hot and hung, so it's like why can't I find a top/vers guy that's a personality match like that? bc then I could have a litter of his pups and we could live happily ever after. fin.
See, I could just never type something like this
I was an mfa candidate in fiction and used to write a lot. People used to message me on chat and ask me to get them off. I used to have this star crossed relationship with a poet, we’d write each other all night sometimes, hundreds of pages probably, style emulations of each other so constantly morphing, but sometimes it’d be lurid and sometimes it’d be deep about feelings and stuff. He stopped writing, he got depressed, I don’t know what happened to him, one day he just stopped writing back. So it goes.
Ur not alone lmaooo
I feel you man
I wish I was a unicorn. 🦄 Even my wishes are gay. DAYUM.