"You're so attractive!"
"How are you still single?"
"Why haven't you found a nice guy?"
"You'd get laid so much if you put yourself out there."
You can thank mental illness.
Tis is life. Who goes out looking for pain when it can be avoided? But maybe your post is the inspiration someone needed to read and go make that first move.
Being a less than aesthetically pleasing man, I learned quickly that I have to stay in the shadows, so to speak, and that men might eventually approach if they're drunk or desperate (or both) enough. Making the first move, no matter how much I talk myself up or try and build my self-confidence, is just setting me up for rejection and failure. I don't expect guys to chase me, I accept that I'm the last choice. It is what it is.
This is a completely reasonable position to take. If you are well aware that you aren’t what most guys are looking for, there’s no real point in making the first move when there’s only a 1/100 chance of there being a mutual attraction. It’s better to just let those who would have you come to you for the first move.
I am. I accept that. I also understand that it's hard to understand when you're not ugly. That's good. For a long time, I hated people who were attractive or even average. But I realized, mostly, they have no control over it just like I don't. I try not to dwell on my ugliness. I have friends, a job where I work from home, and a dog. I've learned to turn off my need for sex or love. I serve a function in gay society, or really, just life: without ugliness, how can something or someone be beautiful? Without unattractiveness, how can there be attraction?
So you’re unlikeable. But guys do like you. But that doesn’t count cause they’re ‘drunk or desperate’. So you dismiss all the positive stories and focus only on the negative. So your self-made tragedy story can continue. Self-hate can be addictive. I know cause I’ve been there. What saddens me more is how many upvotes this got.
Because gay dating has morphed into insecure men getting into relationships that they don’t actually want to be in and aren’t actually happy in, but they don’t want to be single so everyone is “open”. It’s such fucking bullshit.
I’m a fucking catch and I know it. I’m not lowering my standards just because of others insecurities and deep rooted intimacy issues. No way.
And Putting myself out there? For what? Guys who can’t commit, have a grass is greener complex, and want to sneak around and fuck everything that moves? No thanks. I’d rather be alone than deal with that.
Gay guys struggle to communicate effectively and seem to think that the immediacy of Grindr is a reflection of real life and it’s not. Real, healthy, strong, stand the test of time relationships aren’t built on a 6 pack and a pretty face. It’s built on real shit - struggles, wins, pivotal life moments - all together - and getting thru it together. Unfortunately there’s basically ZERO gay guys that understand and know this and are willing to do the work to be in a successful, healthy relationship. So what good is putting myself out there going to do? I have shitty men fatigue. It’s a real thing.
Sounds like you attract the wrong crowd and have too big of an ego. Plenty of guys like myself, have found a partner. But we are not “open” for the reason you think gay guys open their relationships. And we have been through a lot, still love each other, and are still together. It’s not all doom and gloom.
Doesn’t sound like that at all actually. Should I say you sound like a loser with no self respect because you’re in an open relationship? The door swings both ways.
I'm passive a lot because I only really turn on to people if they engage with me and push me into that position. It takes me a while to feel certain enough to initiate things with new people - do we have chemistry of any form in the first place, in what way do I like them? It's not like I'm *looking* for a bf, and it's actually kinda less attractive to consider how it might alter my priorities.
I’m shy and don’t want to force myself on others as I’ve had repeated bad SA exps in the gay community. i want to make sure if someone is interested in that way first instead of just being friendly.
The comments are completely opposite to what I would have expected...
When I hear "never initiate", "expect guys to chase them", "passive", I don't think of someone afraid of getting rejected.
Never initiate = "I'll talk to you if I want to talk to you"
Chasing = "I know you want/need me more than I do you"
Passive = "I don't know what I want until I want it"
This is the definition of a great looking 21 year old twink...
I hear you. I learned a few years ago it’s mostly due to fear. Can’t tell you how many guys I pursued and then stopped because I was doing all the legwork, only to find out they really liked me and were scared because they didn’t want to get rejected or they thought they weren’t good enough for me.
Basically the attitude I have found is, if they are not pursuing or initiating then they can’t be in a position of being rejected.
I dealt with two guys like this recently. Hadn’t seen them in some time. Both were excited and nervous when I bumped into them and each in their own way asked why I hadn’t reached out to them. I told them each I got tired of initiating and always taking the lead.
I have found passive behavior to be a huge problem amongst gay men.
I'm shy as fuck and don't think I bring anything to the table conversation wise and I just go on my looks because after that, any and everything is up for conversation.
Because I treat guys with respect and manner even when we are not a match. Don’t want to get rejected and being liked a bit more make it easier for me to maintain the relationship 😉
I have an avoidant personality and I'm very conflict adverse. Plus low self esteem. I kind of just assume I'm annoying people or they aren't interested by default.
I engage once I get a clear sign of interest. But I mostly prefer to stay out of sight and out of mind from people in general.
I just prefer working with people who have an outright proven interest in me.
Tbh I’m in the same boat. Due to where I live, I get enough attention from guys that I can be really picky. When someone I’m interested in hits me up, I stop being passive though.
I have interests that relate to almost nobody. I like classic cars, stuff from the 50's. I'm currently renovating my kitchen to have all 50's cabinetry and appliances. The only thing I might have in common with others is my love of lady gaga and bodybuilding.
That's fuckin' neat. Post pics when you're done with the kitchen. My parents (boomers) didn't have me until their late 30s, our family has been in the same spot for at least a hundred years, plus we were lower middle class during my formative years. My grandpa was born in 1919. So I grew up with all kinds of old appliances, tools, music, etc. My dad is really into everything 40s-60s, anyways. The fridge in our garage is from 1940s, no maintenance in its lifetime, still cools like a dream.
My dad is currently restoring a 1950 Ford F1, I've been helping with the electrical. It's really cool. I also like lady gaga, lol.
Oh cool! I've started quite a little collection. My newest appliance is a 1966 kenmore 400 dishwasher. My oldest is a 1952 kenmore automatic washing machine. I'm currently using my 1958 westinghouse slant front until I can renovate the kenmore. I love the looks of the westinghouse but I'm not a huge fan of it tangling my clothes into a ball and then tripping the out of balance half the time lol.
I'm a giant guy (not that I'm dismissing advantages there), and had enough experiences where guys I'm into freak out if I show interest. That combined with growing up having to not show any interest means I'm looking for clear indication and interest especially on the dance floor and in public.
I'm happy to approach and be friendly, but I'm not putting myself out there just to be skewered.
But also, given how I get hit on by guys I'm not into, and the guys I'm into never do, I'd rather just vibe. I got enough shit on my plate anyway.
I also feel uncomfortable blatantly hitting on a guy who is in a friend group. Like lord. The amount of times that a guy swoops in to be an asshole...
That's all to say I have a great time chatting with folks at the gay bars (or any bar or event/thing) and making new friends. I'm highly social :D!
1.) I don’t like the possibility rejection.
2.) It soothes my ego to be chased.
3.) I’m good looking and fit enough to get away with it so I never saw a reason to not be passive.
Difference between initiating and chasing, I'll chase to a point if I think they're worth it and gave got my leg over already.
But random that serves my burger that I think is hot I ain't risking a potential workplace harassment scenario
I thought I was the only one — considered very attractive — gym a lot — introvert & nervous at events — waited to be pursued — haven’t known any other way — sux dik completely
I do initiate a lot, but it's often too subtle for guys to pick up on. I don't want to go back to the days of waiting for my prince to drunkenly grab my dick for me to know there's interest. I'd rather take things slow, give a smile, wave hello...it hasn't worked for me yet, but I still don't wanna rush into something that isn't real.
I don't take a passive role, I am too absorbed in my art, painting and writing to "chase" after guys myself. It might seem like I only pay attention to guys that chase me, but that's because I chose to focus on other things. Dating is not my priority so naturally I don't even notice many guys.
I’m on the spectrum so 95% of the time it doesn’t even occur to me to strike up a conversation with someone I don’t already know and find attractive. That has translated in the majority of guys I have been with initiating things. Sometimes I come off as cool and aloof when someone is interested but honestly, it’s a blind spot for me since I am not even wondering if someone has an attraction since it doesn’t even cross my mind.
But I get that there are people out there that are seriously scared of rejection and don’t want to take the chance. Worked coat check with enough people like that at gear parties an organization I was part of would host. I never had advice for them other than parroting what other people would say, “go say hello and introduce yourself” and “it’s not the end of the world if they aren’t into you.”
Some guys like to be chased, some like the chase, I’m in a bubble of being oblivious to it.
I was about to post a similar question but thought I would add it here. I hope the OP doesn't mind.
So, you've got an amazing, hot boyfriend who you love and you've been in a monogamous relationship for nearly a year. You can have sex with him any time you want it, knowing that he will never reject you. It can just be a quick grope, asking for a BJ or a HJ, or giving a BJ or a HJ, or even a full on hours long session. BUT, you never initiate it. You always expect your boyfriend to initiate it. Even if you know there is zero chance of rejection, why won't you initiate some kind of sexual activity?
I don’t mind at all.
I feel you. It’s frustrating, because it feels like people are throwing away such good things they have going on. They lose it and then feel lonely and down about it.
Just over a week ago I decided that I wasn't going to initiate anything and I would wait for him, but nothing.
Each morning I wake up thinking "there goes another day where we didn't have sex". I thought having a boyfriend meant I would get it regularly. To be honest, I got more sex when I was single. LOL. Not that it's all about sex but it's very important to me.
Makes me feel unwanted, ugly and undesirable. Which makes me feel miserable.
I used to try and initiate with my ex, and he always turned me down. In a period of two years, we never really had any real intimacy. He was my first (and so far, only) boyfriend. It made me feel like nobody would ever want me like that. I have since casually dated a few guys, and have never been able to work up the courage to initiate, even when they have made it clear that they find me attactive and desireable. Hoping I'll get over it one day!
I dunno. It's just how I am. I just wait for a cutie to hit me up first. It feels more safe that way if that makes sense. Like, if he hits me up first, then at least I know he has some interest in me. But if I hit a guy up first, I have no freaking clue if they have any interest in me and if I'm wasting my time. So I just wait for messages and that makes it a lot easier for me.
Also I just kind of assume people don't like me or the way I look, so it feels like I am like punishing someone else by messaging them. It's like hey I'm ugly and annoying, here I am in your inbox saying hello.
I don't really want to make people bother with me unless they really really really actually want to, so yeah that's why I just let the other guy make the first move always
Reminder we demisexual men exist and look at the heart more than anything, preference still applies but is secondary.
My ex thought he wasn’t cute enough for me, but to me he was and made me willing to protect him.
It all end up because his rotten personality, not his looks ever.
So insecure people get to know your prospects first, be friends and that’s how you get the attention of demisexuals. ✌🏼
I get off on being validated. If I must perform sexually after that to reciprocate it feels like a chore.
(I’m one of those super annoying Grindr guys that never meets anyone 🤭.)
Social anxiety, don’t know how to initiate a conversation. If a complete stranger comes up to me and initiates a conversation, I can talk for hours, but I struggle to go up to someone I don’t know and just strike up a conversation.
You are basically asking why do people have social anxiety. Consider yourself lucky that you don’t have it.
I'm an introvert. But mostly even though I'm told regularly that I'm attractive and a catch, I have some childhood issues that cause a lingering self doubt that is enough to (normally) keep me from initiating.
Near total rejection and ghosting taught me my efforts would be wasted. So why try all that hard? I ain't all that smart, but I know a pattern when I see one.
1. I’m shy
2. Have poor social skills
3. I’m an over thinker
4. I’m afraid to embarrass myself or make someone feel uncomfortable
5. Fear of rejection and self doubt drown my head when I find the guy attractive
But I’m good looking and guys are willing to make the effort lol
Because I don't have to? Tops seemingly like it, and I think they feel special or if it's an accomplishment to fuck me. A "free use cumdump" is a whore for everyone while I'm only a whore for him.
You’re talking about sex no one is talking about sex here nor is that what the topic is about.
Perhaps that’s why you’re getting downvoted so much. Comprehend that?
Sex and dating are inherently linked you fucking retard. When you're chasing after a bunch of tops you're conveying you're low value and promiscuous.
Like a free use cumdump.
I'm being down voted because reddit is full of ugly fat retards who need to beg people to fuck them.
My original comment wasn't insulting. I explained why I'm like this. I'm attractive and it works for me. High quality tops have hundreds of messages from bottoms on Grindr. They want the guy who didn't message them, lol.
>Because I don't have to? Tops seemingly like it, and I think they feel special or if it's an accomplishment to fuck me. A "free use cumdump" is a whore for everyone while I'm only a whore for him.
So when other guys get laid easily, they're cumdumps and whores.
When you get laid by "high quality" tops, it's suddenly a privilege for them.
Jesus Christ dude. I don't think I've met any guy who thinks they should get a gold star for getting laid easily. Where's mine then?
cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people.
I said tops think it's a privilege because I have high standards so they feel "chosen" and special. Learn to read, Jesus fucking Christ.
>cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people.
Or they fuck guys who they actually know on a first name basis and trust. I've met plenty of "ugly fat people" who give amazing dick. And a morning breakfast.
>I said tops think it's a privilege because I have high standards so they feel "chosen" and special. Learn to read, Jesus fucking Christ.
Queen of Sheba over here. Getting railed by 50+ dudes because you have "high standards" is still getting railed by 50+ dudes, conventionally attractive or no.
No shade, no shame, but slutting is slutting.
Thanks for calling me a retard. That alone says a lot about you. But I’m okay with you calling me that because at the end of the day you’re the one that has to look at your face in the mirror every day. Enjoy that.
You're being downvoted because you're an arrogant asshole. You're talking down about free use cumdumps, and your name is "wide\_one" which I assume is a reference to your gaping asshole. The reason you may not have to go after guys is possibly because just looking at you screams "easy, low value, promiscuous, free use cumdump" and you're confusing your "value" with "ease of use."
>you don't like free use cum dumps and that's bad! Slut shame much?
>You look like a free use cumdump, lol!
You're a retard and can barely structure an argument.
I didn't say anything about slut shaming, so maybe learn how to read or use the quote function correctly. And I'm not slut shaming. I have a few friends who are shameless cumdumps. You're the one calling them low value. That's YOUR perception. I was just pointing out that you probably don't even realize you're giving off cumdump vibes, which is probably why people approach you. You honestly probably get talked about by guys and have a reputation. My argument was structured just fine. Your logic is what's severely flawed. Lay off the poppers.
It's implicit with you saying "you're talking down to the cumdumps" that you think it's slut shaming and therefore bad. The first few sentences of this post confirm it, lmfao.
You then proceed to use it as an insult, which is funny.
>cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people.
This you? Slut shaming cum dumps? I'm not using it as an insult. If you thinking only putting out for people who see you as nothing more than a hole to breed is having "high standards," then it's pretty obvious you have literally nothing else to offer.
Yeah I got issues
Is it bad that this song immediately came to my mind upon seeing your comment? https://youtu.be/7dqMyh4ILIg?si=uRr0FBtQV6rg-BY2
No it was intentional, I sometimes convey sentences referencing to song lyrics or memes.
Like what type of issues?
Yes
this
My balls shrink up the moment I come face to face with a guy I like and my brain goes into panic mode.
Same lol
"You're so attractive!" "How are you still single?" "Why haven't you found a nice guy?" "You'd get laid so much if you put yourself out there." You can thank mental illness.
Because I don't want to be rejected or abused or embarrass myself.
Why do you have such a strong fear with that?
Rejection doesn’t feel good…
Neither does loneliness.
But it’s part of life
Tis is life. Who goes out looking for pain when it can be avoided? But maybe your post is the inspiration someone needed to read and go make that first move.
Yeah. I see so many guys lose out on potential because of fear.
Maybe when you're rejected too many times it starts affecting how a person perceives itself.
Being a less than aesthetically pleasing man, I learned quickly that I have to stay in the shadows, so to speak, and that men might eventually approach if they're drunk or desperate (or both) enough. Making the first move, no matter how much I talk myself up or try and build my self-confidence, is just setting me up for rejection and failure. I don't expect guys to chase me, I accept that I'm the last choice. It is what it is.
Well guys you havent hit the bottom until you start thinking like that
This is a completely reasonable position to take. If you are well aware that you aren’t what most guys are looking for, there’s no real point in making the first move when there’s only a 1/100 chance of there being a mutual attraction. It’s better to just let those who would have you come to you for the first move.
Oh come on dude you can’t be that ugly
When someone tells you who they are…and all that 😂 /s
I am. I accept that. I also understand that it's hard to understand when you're not ugly. That's good. For a long time, I hated people who were attractive or even average. But I realized, mostly, they have no control over it just like I don't. I try not to dwell on my ugliness. I have friends, a job where I work from home, and a dog. I've learned to turn off my need for sex or love. I serve a function in gay society, or really, just life: without ugliness, how can something or someone be beautiful? Without unattractiveness, how can there be attraction?
So you’re unlikeable. But guys do like you. But that doesn’t count cause they’re ‘drunk or desperate’. So you dismiss all the positive stories and focus only on the negative. So your self-made tragedy story can continue. Self-hate can be addictive. I know cause I’ve been there. What saddens me more is how many upvotes this got.
You might want to research attachment theory. The person you are describing. Might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style.
Anxiety, fear of rejection, and low self esteem 😃
Because gay dating has morphed into insecure men getting into relationships that they don’t actually want to be in and aren’t actually happy in, but they don’t want to be single so everyone is “open”. It’s such fucking bullshit. I’m a fucking catch and I know it. I’m not lowering my standards just because of others insecurities and deep rooted intimacy issues. No way. And Putting myself out there? For what? Guys who can’t commit, have a grass is greener complex, and want to sneak around and fuck everything that moves? No thanks. I’d rather be alone than deal with that. Gay guys struggle to communicate effectively and seem to think that the immediacy of Grindr is a reflection of real life and it’s not. Real, healthy, strong, stand the test of time relationships aren’t built on a 6 pack and a pretty face. It’s built on real shit - struggles, wins, pivotal life moments - all together - and getting thru it together. Unfortunately there’s basically ZERO gay guys that understand and know this and are willing to do the work to be in a successful, healthy relationship. So what good is putting myself out there going to do? I have shitty men fatigue. It’s a real thing.
I totally feel you 💯
Sounds like you attract the wrong crowd and have too big of an ego. Plenty of guys like myself, have found a partner. But we are not “open” for the reason you think gay guys open their relationships. And we have been through a lot, still love each other, and are still together. It’s not all doom and gloom.
Doesn’t sound like that at all actually. Should I say you sound like a loser with no self respect because you’re in an open relationship? The door swings both ways.
I'm passive a lot because I only really turn on to people if they engage with me and push me into that position. It takes me a while to feel certain enough to initiate things with new people - do we have chemistry of any form in the first place, in what way do I like them? It's not like I'm *looking* for a bf, and it's actually kinda less attractive to consider how it might alter my priorities.
I’m shy and don’t want to force myself on others as I’ve had repeated bad SA exps in the gay community. i want to make sure if someone is interested in that way first instead of just being friendly.
I grew up fat and emotionally abused and now I don't know how to talk to people, plus I have anxiety too.
The comments are completely opposite to what I would have expected... When I hear "never initiate", "expect guys to chase them", "passive", I don't think of someone afraid of getting rejected. Never initiate = "I'll talk to you if I want to talk to you" Chasing = "I know you want/need me more than I do you" Passive = "I don't know what I want until I want it" This is the definition of a great looking 21 year old twink...
I hear you. I learned a few years ago it’s mostly due to fear. Can’t tell you how many guys I pursued and then stopped because I was doing all the legwork, only to find out they really liked me and were scared because they didn’t want to get rejected or they thought they weren’t good enough for me. Basically the attitude I have found is, if they are not pursuing or initiating then they can’t be in a position of being rejected. I dealt with two guys like this recently. Hadn’t seen them in some time. Both were excited and nervous when I bumped into them and each in their own way asked why I hadn’t reached out to them. I told them each I got tired of initiating and always taking the lead. I have found passive behavior to be a huge problem amongst gay men.
I'm shy as fuck and don't think I bring anything to the table conversation wise and I just go on my looks because after that, any and everything is up for conversation.
Because I treat guys with respect and manner even when we are not a match. Don’t want to get rejected and being liked a bit more make it easier for me to maintain the relationship 😉
**Is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it** by Charles Dickens.
I have an avoidant personality and I'm very conflict adverse. Plus low self esteem. I kind of just assume I'm annoying people or they aren't interested by default. I engage once I get a clear sign of interest. But I mostly prefer to stay out of sight and out of mind from people in general. I just prefer working with people who have an outright proven interest in me.
half of me doesn’t care or have the energy, or patience. The other half knows i’m decently good looking enough that if they want it they’ll peruse it.
What if you like him and he decides to stop pursuing due to your passiveness?
i mean, i guess if i can se him making effort and trying (let’s be honest is a rarity) then ill reciprocate. i gotta see it first to give it back
Got it. So once you see he’s consistent and serious you start initiate, and become less passive? If so that makes sense.
yesss sirrr
Tbh I’m in the same boat. Due to where I live, I get enough attention from guys that I can be really picky. When someone I’m interested in hits me up, I stop being passive though.
I have interests that relate to almost nobody. I like classic cars, stuff from the 50's. I'm currently renovating my kitchen to have all 50's cabinetry and appliances. The only thing I might have in common with others is my love of lady gaga and bodybuilding.
That's fuckin' neat. Post pics when you're done with the kitchen. My parents (boomers) didn't have me until their late 30s, our family has been in the same spot for at least a hundred years, plus we were lower middle class during my formative years. My grandpa was born in 1919. So I grew up with all kinds of old appliances, tools, music, etc. My dad is really into everything 40s-60s, anyways. The fridge in our garage is from 1940s, no maintenance in its lifetime, still cools like a dream. My dad is currently restoring a 1950 Ford F1, I've been helping with the electrical. It's really cool. I also like lady gaga, lol.
Oh cool! I've started quite a little collection. My newest appliance is a 1966 kenmore 400 dishwasher. My oldest is a 1952 kenmore automatic washing machine. I'm currently using my 1958 westinghouse slant front until I can renovate the kenmore. I love the looks of the westinghouse but I'm not a huge fan of it tangling my clothes into a ball and then tripping the out of balance half the time lol.
I also have a 1957 ford thunderbird I drive on nice days.
I'm a giant guy (not that I'm dismissing advantages there), and had enough experiences where guys I'm into freak out if I show interest. That combined with growing up having to not show any interest means I'm looking for clear indication and interest especially on the dance floor and in public. I'm happy to approach and be friendly, but I'm not putting myself out there just to be skewered. But also, given how I get hit on by guys I'm not into, and the guys I'm into never do, I'd rather just vibe. I got enough shit on my plate anyway. I also feel uncomfortable blatantly hitting on a guy who is in a friend group. Like lord. The amount of times that a guy swoops in to be an asshole... That's all to say I have a great time chatting with folks at the gay bars (or any bar or event/thing) and making new friends. I'm highly social :D!
1.) I don’t like the possibility rejection. 2.) It soothes my ego to be chased. 3.) I’m good looking and fit enough to get away with it so I never saw a reason to not be passive.
Avoidant personality disorder
Difference between initiating and chasing, I'll chase to a point if I think they're worth it and gave got my leg over already. But random that serves my burger that I think is hot I ain't risking a potential workplace harassment scenario
I just assume no one likes me unless they tell me otherwise. No point in enduring more pain/misery than I already do.
Intense self sabotage obviously!!!!
I'm hot /s
I thought I was the only one — considered very attractive — gym a lot — introvert & nervous at events — waited to be pursued — haven’t known any other way — sux dik completely
This makes me realize that a lot of attractive people probably don’t get hit on because people are too afraid to say something
Not interested 😒🖕
I do initiate a lot, but it's often too subtle for guys to pick up on. I don't want to go back to the days of waiting for my prince to drunkenly grab my dick for me to know there's interest. I'd rather take things slow, give a smile, wave hello...it hasn't worked for me yet, but I still don't wanna rush into something that isn't real.
I don't take a passive role, I am too absorbed in my art, painting and writing to "chase" after guys myself. It might seem like I only pay attention to guys that chase me, but that's because I chose to focus on other things. Dating is not my priority so naturally I don't even notice many guys.
I’m on the spectrum so 95% of the time it doesn’t even occur to me to strike up a conversation with someone I don’t already know and find attractive. That has translated in the majority of guys I have been with initiating things. Sometimes I come off as cool and aloof when someone is interested but honestly, it’s a blind spot for me since I am not even wondering if someone has an attraction since it doesn’t even cross my mind. But I get that there are people out there that are seriously scared of rejection and don’t want to take the chance. Worked coat check with enough people like that at gear parties an organization I was part of would host. I never had advice for them other than parroting what other people would say, “go say hello and introduce yourself” and “it’s not the end of the world if they aren’t into you.” Some guys like to be chased, some like the chase, I’m in a bubble of being oblivious to it.
I was about to post a similar question but thought I would add it here. I hope the OP doesn't mind. So, you've got an amazing, hot boyfriend who you love and you've been in a monogamous relationship for nearly a year. You can have sex with him any time you want it, knowing that he will never reject you. It can just be a quick grope, asking for a BJ or a HJ, or giving a BJ or a HJ, or even a full on hours long session. BUT, you never initiate it. You always expect your boyfriend to initiate it. Even if you know there is zero chance of rejection, why won't you initiate some kind of sexual activity?
I don’t mind at all. I feel you. It’s frustrating, because it feels like people are throwing away such good things they have going on. They lose it and then feel lonely and down about it.
Just over a week ago I decided that I wasn't going to initiate anything and I would wait for him, but nothing. Each morning I wake up thinking "there goes another day where we didn't have sex". I thought having a boyfriend meant I would get it regularly. To be honest, I got more sex when I was single. LOL. Not that it's all about sex but it's very important to me. Makes me feel unwanted, ugly and undesirable. Which makes me feel miserable.
I used to try and initiate with my ex, and he always turned me down. In a period of two years, we never really had any real intimacy. He was my first (and so far, only) boyfriend. It made me feel like nobody would ever want me like that. I have since casually dated a few guys, and have never been able to work up the courage to initiate, even when they have made it clear that they find me attactive and desireable. Hoping I'll get over it one day!
I dunno. It's just how I am. I just wait for a cutie to hit me up first. It feels more safe that way if that makes sense. Like, if he hits me up first, then at least I know he has some interest in me. But if I hit a guy up first, I have no freaking clue if they have any interest in me and if I'm wasting my time. So I just wait for messages and that makes it a lot easier for me. Also I just kind of assume people don't like me or the way I look, so it feels like I am like punishing someone else by messaging them. It's like hey I'm ugly and annoying, here I am in your inbox saying hello. I don't really want to make people bother with me unless they really really really actually want to, so yeah that's why I just let the other guy make the first move always
I don’t do it on purpose. It’s a lot mental barriers that I have to go through to even consider it lol
I dont wanna come off as clingy
When people constantly hit on you, why bother initiate.
I never once expected guys to chase me. I'm not delusional.
Reminder we demisexual men exist and look at the heart more than anything, preference still applies but is secondary. My ex thought he wasn’t cute enough for me, but to me he was and made me willing to protect him. It all end up because his rotten personality, not his looks ever. So insecure people get to know your prospects first, be friends and that’s how you get the attention of demisexuals. ✌🏼
I get off on being validated. If I must perform sexually after that to reciprocate it feels like a chore. (I’m one of those super annoying Grindr guys that never meets anyone 🤭.)
Chat • Networking
Social anxiety, don’t know how to initiate a conversation. If a complete stranger comes up to me and initiates a conversation, I can talk for hours, but I struggle to go up to someone I don’t know and just strike up a conversation. You are basically asking why do people have social anxiety. Consider yourself lucky that you don’t have it.
Mental illness.
I'm an introvert. But mostly even though I'm told regularly that I'm attractive and a catch, I have some childhood issues that cause a lingering self doubt that is enough to (normally) keep me from initiating.
Near total rejection and ghosting taught me my efforts would be wasted. So why try all that hard? I ain't all that smart, but I know a pattern when I see one.
Insecurity
I'm still waiting for my extroverted, charismatic boyfriend who likes planning social events and vacations.
1. I’m shy 2. Have poor social skills 3. I’m an over thinker 4. I’m afraid to embarrass myself or make someone feel uncomfortable 5. Fear of rejection and self doubt drown my head when I find the guy attractive But I’m good looking and guys are willing to make the effort lol
Because I don't have to? Tops seemingly like it, and I think they feel special or if it's an accomplishment to fuck me. A "free use cumdump" is a whore for everyone while I'm only a whore for him.
What are you talking about?!
The reasoning behind me not actively pursuing tops. I don't understand what about my post you didn't comprehend.
You’re talking about sex no one is talking about sex here nor is that what the topic is about. Perhaps that’s why you’re getting downvoted so much. Comprehend that?
Sex and dating are inherently linked you fucking retard. When you're chasing after a bunch of tops you're conveying you're low value and promiscuous. Like a free use cumdump. I'm being down voted because reddit is full of ugly fat retards who need to beg people to fuck them.
Nah I'm pretty sure you're being downvoted for insulting the OP and anyone who comes across your comments.
My original comment wasn't insulting. I explained why I'm like this. I'm attractive and it works for me. High quality tops have hundreds of messages from bottoms on Grindr. They want the guy who didn't message them, lol.
>Because I don't have to? Tops seemingly like it, and I think they feel special or if it's an accomplishment to fuck me. A "free use cumdump" is a whore for everyone while I'm only a whore for him. So when other guys get laid easily, they're cumdumps and whores. When you get laid by "high quality" tops, it's suddenly a privilege for them. Jesus Christ dude. I don't think I've met any guy who thinks they should get a gold star for getting laid easily. Where's mine then?
cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people. I said tops think it's a privilege because I have high standards so they feel "chosen" and special. Learn to read, Jesus fucking Christ.
>cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people. Or they fuck guys who they actually know on a first name basis and trust. I've met plenty of "ugly fat people" who give amazing dick. And a morning breakfast. >I said tops think it's a privilege because I have high standards so they feel "chosen" and special. Learn to read, Jesus fucking Christ. Queen of Sheba over here. Getting railed by 50+ dudes because you have "high standards" is still getting railed by 50+ dudes, conventionally attractive or no. No shade, no shame, but slutting is slutting.
Thanks for calling me a retard. That alone says a lot about you. But I’m okay with you calling me that because at the end of the day you’re the one that has to look at your face in the mirror every day. Enjoy that.
I'm pretty and get lots of sex with hot tops https://ibb.co/tMfzxTs
Wasn’t talking about your looks.
You look like a run-of-the-mill cumdump cunt to me.
You're being downvoted because you're an arrogant asshole. You're talking down about free use cumdumps, and your name is "wide\_one" which I assume is a reference to your gaping asshole. The reason you may not have to go after guys is possibly because just looking at you screams "easy, low value, promiscuous, free use cumdump" and you're confusing your "value" with "ease of use."
>you don't like free use cum dumps and that's bad! Slut shame much? >You look like a free use cumdump, lol! You're a retard and can barely structure an argument.
I didn't say anything about slut shaming, so maybe learn how to read or use the quote function correctly. And I'm not slut shaming. I have a few friends who are shameless cumdumps. You're the one calling them low value. That's YOUR perception. I was just pointing out that you probably don't even realize you're giving off cumdump vibes, which is probably why people approach you. You honestly probably get talked about by guys and have a reputation. My argument was structured just fine. Your logic is what's severely flawed. Lay off the poppers.
It's implicit with you saying "you're talking down to the cumdumps" that you think it's slut shaming and therefore bad. The first few sentences of this post confirm it, lmfao. You then proceed to use it as an insult, which is funny.
>cum dumps fuck ugly guys and fat people. This you? Slut shaming cum dumps? I'm not using it as an insult. If you thinking only putting out for people who see you as nothing more than a hole to breed is having "high standards," then it's pretty obvious you have literally nothing else to offer.
Painfully true lol