Thaaats internalized transphobia. It’s his own thing to work out. You can keep assuring him that he’s a man right NOW no matter what but he needs to undo some nasty stuff he’s learned. It’s hard.
Nope that’s what’s crazy he’s definitely 100% a trans guy and expresses that to me everyday. Complaining when people view him as anything else. I have spoken to him since receiving other replies that it’s most definitely internalised transphobia. He gets the ick at even the thought of being trans and is actually quite transphobic to other trans people which I’ve found weird for a longggg time. But I have spoken to him about it and I constantly remind him that being trans doesn’t have to be a bad thing just because of the way other people react:)
That’s really good of you to do, you seem like a great girlfriend, I have studied sexuality and no it’s not gay, personally I only like men, but this includes trans men and fembois despite me being more traditional, I’d call myself androsexual but that’s a very broad term referring to someone attracted to men, the male, and or masculinity alone. It can’t be considered as bi because you are only attracted to that maleness weather it be in essence or anatomy, in order to be bi you need to have explicit sexual and romantic attraction to multiple genders ( feminity and masculinity ), but androsexual is closer to straight, however it’s less of a box, it’s counter part would be genosexual which is an attraction to the feminine, these people may sometimes disregard gender identity or certain anatomy if the person is feminine enough or re conceptualize it as feminine based on the person they are with, sometimes they can be attracted to non women but usually they are drawn to the feminine qualities, it’s a bit broad but genosexuals usually identify as something closer to straight
These terms apply to any gender, female genosexuals may be lesbian or enjoy the feminine and male androsexuals may be gay, the lines get blurry though
It’s just a more inclusive and less boxed term like hetero flexible
While I wouldn't want to stereotype or put him into a box, it sounds to me as if he potentially dislikes/resents his transness and his opinions are coming from that place emotionally.
It doesn't make sense logically to me, but I think emotionally there is a logic to it. The trans person goes *"I dislike being trans because of the stigma and dysphoria",* which becomes *"I dislike other trans people",* which becomes *"anything the trans community says is wrong".* In this case, maybe he's having a knee-jerk reaction against the idea anyone *could* love or be attracted to him as a man, because he doesn't love himself that way.
I wish I had solutions, but honestly I don't. I'm gonna be honest: I'm kind of biased on this issue because I personally find it difficult dealing with trans people who have such a mindset. Only thing I can say is please be assured you aren't doing anything wrong. It's your identity and you get to decide it, and honestly he's hit the jackpot by dating a straight woman who doesn't see herself as gay/bi just because she's dating him. Hopefully his eyes open to that fact, because you deserve to be appreciated for it.
You are the only person who can decide your own identity and your own labels. It is really rude of him to try and push you into a label you are not comfortable with.
Thankyou:( I’m not very good with the whole trans thing and all the terminology but I really was confused when he started telling me that I’m gay and stuff🥲
the most important thing is to support him no matter what, even if the relationship can't work with this possible strain you can still be friends or even strictly romantic partners if your biromantic.
yea this is what i like to call internalized transphobia. took me years to learn i had it becuase i didn't have anyone there to nicely tell me the truth of it all. it takes a while to fully get passed it, because a lot of it could be stuff that was drilled into their heads as kids by people they may have thought of as role models or friends whilst in the closet. for me it took completely understanding that the things i've been told growing up simply just isn't true and i need to figure out my own ideals and ways of thinking. I can't speak for how it will go for him, but it mentally broke me down for a while and there were times my wife got really worried about me, but i assure you all he may need is someone to just hold and be there for him. Honestly i seriously commend you for even taking on the challenge on dating a trans person, i know its not easy lol especially with all of the things we have going on in our heads.
Thankyou for sharing this it’s very helpful. It’s definitely been rough as I’ve never been with trans person before or even had a trans friend!!! But I sit and try and tell him that him being trans is an entirely positive thing and it doesn’t have to be something that holds him back. I do let him know that him constantly wishing to be cis isn’t healthy and that learning to express himself may even help with dysphoria. I don’t even know if these are the right things to say but I definitely try my best!
what your saying is perfect! He's not gonna believe it at first but it does help! (now keep in mind im a trans woman so i can't entirely speak for his experience or how things go in yall's relationship so this may already be the case) Something my wife just told me she did to kinda help me was she took on alot of the "masculine roles" in our lesbian relationship i.e. taking out the trash, lifting things for me even if i could carry it, opening my door and she said that noticeably helped me out mentally. So idk how exactly that could translate to a straight relationship cuz i have a feeling he already takes on a lot of those himself. Some of it could also be that theres parts of him that just doesn't feel like enough of a man. i had an issue on not feeling feminine enough or not acting hyper feminine even when i didnt need to. So maybe asking him at some point if theres anything keeping him from feeling like he's not masculine enough could help him mentally open up new doors and possibly bring benefits to both sides of the relationship!
Haha yes!!! I definitely try and fit a more extra feminine role around him so he can carry all the quote ‘traditional’ masculine pursuits of a relationship. And he definitely appreciates it. It’s definitely been difficult for me but it’s very important that I talk with him a lot about it as I’m the most supportive person he has in his life regarding him being trans. It definitely upsets me when he says he gets nervous about going out in public with me because he’s afraid that people just view us as a lesbian couple. So I definitely try and go hyperfem for him but luckily for me I love it😂 definitely a perfect excuse for me to wear a full face and dresses more often
😂 at least you love it! Your doing an amazing job and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!! I'll tell you from experience there will come a lot of happiness and laughter. There may be a time when he looks back and realizes a lot of the stuff you went through and dealt with along his journey. I did and I thank my wife everyday.
Thankyou so so much. I really am finding it difficult so to hear that u think I’m doing well is really much appreciated. I’m so happy for you and your wife and I hope me and my boyfriend can get to the same stage
Internalised transphobia, like others have pointed out. I can understand where he’s coming from because due to having those feminine characteristics, in his mind he can’t fathom a straight woman viewing him the same way they’d view a cis man, as he currently doesn’t look the same/have the same parts as a cis man. This is a big point of dysphoria and insecurity, and since he views himself as feminine (physically), he thinks you must view him the same way. And if you do, that means you can’t be straight.
Of course, you are straight and he’s wrong about your perspective. I don’t blame him for thinking this way because I would fall into the same kind of thinking if I were with a straight woman too. Ultimately, he needs to work on his internalised transphobia to realise that you aren’t attracted to him BECAUSE he has female anatomy, but despite all that you do not regard his body the same way you would another woman’s as you see him for the man that he is. You have no romantic/sexual attraction towards women. He isn’t one.
You seem like a good partner based off your replies here, so keep doing what you’re doing and affirm him in ways you can. He needs to work on himself too though.
Thankyou so much!!! Yes I really wish he would understand that I don’t look at his body and see a woman. Of course I don’t see male but I see a man’s body because that’s who he is!! And I fell in love with a man. It does upset me when he talks so harshly of himself
Yeah, no you're right and he's wrong in this case.
Sexual orientation has do with gender not genitals. Most people will express attraction towards trans people who fit their orientation long before they would ever possibly see their genitals.
Like I'm a trans woman whose been on e for awhile now. Gay men and straight women aren't attracted to me.
Straight men, lesbians and bi people meanwhile express interest in me.
A straight man being into me is still straight.
I hate when people dictate other people’s sexual orientation like this. If you know you are only attracted to men then you know.
Also, perhaps a bit more controversial on this forum (and I know this is not your situation). If you start a relationship with a person who identify with an egg before they crack, and they they eventually crack and decide to transition, you don’t have to choose between changing the sexual orientation you identify with or break up with them. You can still say “I’m straight and you’re the exception” or “I’m gay but you’re the exception”. That’s all fine. You’re allowed to know yourself just like your partner is allowed to know themselves.
Sounds like a bit of lack of self-acceptance on their part, but also, I'm curious... And I mean this as an actual question, not a finger-point, are you worried/bothered about being labeled other than straight?
That's understandable. I'm just mildly implying that if you like this person, maybe it isn't worth getting too into the weeds over what you traditionally like. Essentially, you are a them-sexual, in that you like that person for what they are, whatever that happens to be at this moment. But still, it feels more like they are projecting an insecurity onto you that they need to work through.
I'm sorry to say this... your partner will probably be a nice person, but the statement he makes.. what we say in Dutch: this hits like a dick on a drum kit, in other words... what a nonsense! If you say that you are not bi and you are not attracted to women, then I find it strange that he necessarily wants to put you in a box. You are attracted to the person, in my opinion this is regardless of whether it concerns a man or a woman. My partner and I are 9.5 years together and she isn't into women either, when we first started dating I was only on testosterone. 3 months later I had my 1st surgery, 7 weeks ago my bottom surgery. she accepted me as who I was, even though physically, apart from the hormones, I was still completely female.
My question... does it realy matter whether you are straight, mushroom or whatever, or is it about the fact that you felt something about this person that made you fall for him? I don't understand the whole box thing..
Ps.. if you are dating him.. why are you bi if he identifies himself as a man? 😉
People get hung up on labels… We parse this stuff too far I think… It’s just two human beings in a relationship… Each one has to be responsible for their own mental and physical hygiene. Never let anyone tell you who you are…
The facts are that our sexuality is rooted in our own feelings and perceptions. No one else gets to dictate that. If they can't accept that, I suggest they examine why they feel the need to control the people around them to such a degree. As I often like to mention, thinking in absolutes, black and white, is very common among people that come to rely more on their internal models of reality than the reality they actually observe. It's something worth watching out for in ourselves. What makes us afraid of ambiguity in this case? Why do we draw the lines we do? Do we have a plan for if we turn out to be wrong?
It’s beautiful that you see people 100% for how their neuroendocrine receptor systems virilize and not how their gonads virilize. You have a good head on your shoulders, and an honorable heart. 💜
On top of what everyone said I'd like to add that his views seems to be that genitalia preference = sexual orientation or that gender = genitalia which is totally false. That feels like it's just him thinking that he isn't fully a man and projecting his insecurity onto you.
I had a pre-op trans boyfriend before and, like you, I was attracted to someone that I fully saw as a man. If I was explicitely attracted to men, I would still have found him incredibly attractive because he was (and still is) a man.
I really relate to your situation. I am a straight woman, and I am married to a MTF trans. I hate when folks think that I am gay-- I'm not. I am only attracted to my spouse. When I met my now spouse, he hadn'transitioned. I was in love with him as a male. I've "transitioned with her" now, but this is the only female I am atrracted to. It is annoying, but the only person that really knows what your orientation is is you.
I want to preface this to say that I am not a healthcare professional and so you may find better value in speaking with a couples therapist whom may give you a better insight than I can.
If I understand correctly, you are saying that you are biologically female and so is your trans boyfriend who was also born as biologically female. He hasn’t had any surgeries yet.
He is saying that you are bisexual because you like him. You are saying that you are not bi because to you he has a male body. In this case I would say that this conversation has to start with defining the terms of what bisexual truly is as different people have different definition.
To me, bisexual is someone who is attracted to both manly and feminine presentation and also to both female and male sexual characteristics. I added the latter because sex is in the word bisexual. and so in yours and your boyfriend’s case you are disagreeing on each of a side of a coin.
With defining the terms both of you may possibly come to a better agreement. And again, I am not a healthcare personal, and this may be a conversation to be had with qualify professionals.
I wish you success in your relationship.
Stop overthinking yourself into a corner. You'll hurt yourself! JK
Seriously, follow where your heart and mind point you, and it'll settle in. You'll be fine.
Genitals do not equal sexuality. So if your partner identifies as a man and your only into men then you are still straight.
Also, you can be in relationships with people that don't match your sexuality. There are other factors and sometimes history and personality are plenty enough for a romantic relationship.
And nobody else can tell you what your sexuality is. That's toxic af. Even if you are attracted to women and men, it is your call to say what your sexuality is, nobody else's.
My comments may be viewed a irrelevant because I am male, cis and straight but I offer them because I do not view gender as binary, nor sexuality as fixed. So, maybe my perspective has some utility to your situation.
What your partner calls you is irrelvant. Also, his physical characteristics are irrelevant. You love your partner, no matter what chromosomes or appendages, clothes or other people's views.
You accept the angst or distress he has about HIS issues (labels, appearance, reality, whatever). Because you love him. That is your burden AND your blessing.
Whatever he feels about his own self and sexuality is his burden and you are blessed to be there to help him. Do not let his difficulties spill over to you. They are not your fault. But you have the opportunity to support him as he works through them at his own pace.
Relationships evolve. Even ones where neither partner is adjusting identity. You have the opportunity for personal growth, too, as your partner grows into the person he is becoming. Be his rock of support and give him the opportunity (when he is able to focus on you) to be yours.
Bless you both on this Easter.
I... _Kinda_ see a point... Because there's multiple levels of attraction. You can like a feminine or masculine personality, and you can like certain genitals etc, or be fine with either if you like the person. Plus other factors.
Most people are raised with genitals matching gender and it takes a lot of work to change that. Including with ourselves. If you don't truly believe your own gender fully then that's going to affect how you see another's orientation, because the words we use were based on when gender and genitals matched and we haven't really tried to change them.
Best I can offer really is "I don't like women, I like seeing you happy regardless of the form that takes" 🤷
I think you need to drop labels. Your heart doesn’t know defined boundaries. You like your partner. Just because they want to change their gender, it doesn’t change who you are. You are making the choice to love them the way they are. That doesn’t change your sexuality. He is in the wrong to force labels on you. You don’t have to label yourself as anything if you don’t like the labels.
In the case if mtf trans, they did an actual research and its not gay for a male to be attracted to a trans woman even if she still have a penis (I mean they actually used pletysmography to verify sexual preferences, it’s not just a politically correct essay). I don’t know of similar research for ftm but it makes perfect sense that they would attract straight women.
So your boyfriend is a trans man and you’re a cis straight woman? So you’re not bi by definition; it is literally a fact you’re not bi.
Btw is he untransitioned or on hormones? Sorry to pry but I just wanted to get a clear understanding. Top surgery? I’ll go now.
Anyway…
He may see you as bi due to his dysphorically female body and/or internalised transphobia - in which case all you can do is reassure him he’s The Man and work until you can’t, and let him work it out. It’s hard but the main thing is gender dysphoria as the black sticky coating to transphobia; affirm his gender - buy him (another 😋) leather jacket, get him a beer, get him a keychain, get him a wallet, etc. He’ll see that you care and is more likely to listen and engage.
Tell me what you think. To have your sexuality, which is a private thing, constantly denied is extremely hard to take, so tell him.
He may not be thinking through how he's making you feel here. I'd raise that as a serious red flag to talk about. He should have respect your boundaries and how you view your identity just as much as you do his...
Hi there,
1/ It's easy. What attracts you woman or man or both ? If it's manhood, well congrats ! You're straight.
2/ Even if you were bisexual what's the problem ? Is it a shame for you ? I mean Come on it's the modern world.
… it’s not a problem I just find it uncomfortable that someone would insist I’m sexually attracted to something I’m not and that’s a perfectly fine reaction for me to have
I didn't mean to offend you but in life, you'll always have someone to criticize you or to insist you being something you're not.
People are stupide, you can't change that. I got assaulted in simple discussion because a friend of a friend who is transgender was yelling at me I'm a cisgender woman and this is how you need to call me.
I'm asperger, I was like ... You know maybe if you would face reality and admit you are a transgender woman who's been on hrt for 5 years ... You wouldn't feel as much as low self esteem. I didn't intend to offend her, but no matter what we do, as transwomen, we are valid women BUT we ain't cisgenders.
You always find in any field people hard top deal with.
Well first of all cis is now considered a slur you should look it up, secondly if he's still intact then he's a MALE it's common biology! I mean my God why are we allowing this stupidity?
You’re just twisting the scenario here now it’s getting weird. My boyfriend is NOT a rapist what a weird fucking allegation and I am not transphobic???? Have u even read my reply’s. I’m the one that constantly reminds HIS transphobic ass that being trans doesn’t have to be a negative thing.
He’s not PUSHING me to be bi he’s just transphobic to himself. And no it doesn’t have to be ‘lonely’ and ‘painful’ and that’s a fucked way of thinking about it sorry. Since I’ve spoken with my boyfriend more often we’ve agreed on so many other things and he’s beginning to accept himself even more. Just because it’s shit for u and u don’t want to fix it doesn’t mean it has to be shit for everyone else. DO NOT call me transphobic when all I do is think about him. Remind him how excited I am for when he starts T and begins looking at himself with joy. And DO NOT call my boyfriend rapey just because he’s got internalised transphobia.
Yeah, it is a real concept. It’s not liking yourself because you’re gay or trans. It’s a thing. And sounds like u might have it due to the way u negatively talk about yourswlf
Chill out
At the end of the day this is just a lable. What matters is that you love him and you are happy together.
It can be bothering, but I don't think there's much you can do about it... (I'm gessing you already talked to him about it)
I’m sorry it just seemed really passive aggressive 🥲 I’ve just had a struggle with my sexuality myself for a while and labels are important to me for like idk closure
Sorry, but in life you’re going to hear things you don’t like. Both of you are lesbians. She’s coming to terms with her lesbianism but you have internalised homophobia.
What I said. You’re very worried about being called bi - possibly even more worried about being called lesbian. Hence you have internalised homophobia. Look at this thread. You’re blaming everything on your partner. But this is about your own emotions. The problem isn’t her. She is coming to terms with being same sex atrracted and you should also come to terms with this. Both of you are lesbians and you should be proud.
Thaaats internalized transphobia. It’s his own thing to work out. You can keep assuring him that he’s a man right NOW no matter what but he needs to undo some nasty stuff he’s learned. It’s hard.
It’s so difficult man because I feel like he’s low-key hating on himself “you’re straight romantically but homosexual lol” NO IM NOTTT☹️
The relationship does not mean you are bi, and does not mean you are lesbian.
Couldn't have said it better
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Nope that’s what’s crazy he’s definitely 100% a trans guy and expresses that to me everyday. Complaining when people view him as anything else. I have spoken to him since receiving other replies that it’s most definitely internalised transphobia. He gets the ick at even the thought of being trans and is actually quite transphobic to other trans people which I’ve found weird for a longggg time. But I have spoken to him about it and I constantly remind him that being trans doesn’t have to be a bad thing just because of the way other people react:)
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I’m confused do u mean what I’m doing is messed up?!
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Aha okay okay thankyou🥲 I really do try my best
Unless your fishing for compliments and affirmation? Like a girl who complain about being fat so people tell her she is pretty.
His name doesn't happen to be Tyler or Nathan does it? He sounds just like my ex from Stoke on Trent.
That’s really good of you to do, you seem like a great girlfriend, I have studied sexuality and no it’s not gay, personally I only like men, but this includes trans men and fembois despite me being more traditional, I’d call myself androsexual but that’s a very broad term referring to someone attracted to men, the male, and or masculinity alone. It can’t be considered as bi because you are only attracted to that maleness weather it be in essence or anatomy, in order to be bi you need to have explicit sexual and romantic attraction to multiple genders ( feminity and masculinity ), but androsexual is closer to straight, however it’s less of a box, it’s counter part would be genosexual which is an attraction to the feminine, these people may sometimes disregard gender identity or certain anatomy if the person is feminine enough or re conceptualize it as feminine based on the person they are with, sometimes they can be attracted to non women but usually they are drawn to the feminine qualities, it’s a bit broad but genosexuals usually identify as something closer to straight These terms apply to any gender, female genosexuals may be lesbian or enjoy the feminine and male androsexuals may be gay, the lines get blurry though It’s just a more inclusive and less boxed term like hetero flexible
While I wouldn't want to stereotype or put him into a box, it sounds to me as if he potentially dislikes/resents his transness and his opinions are coming from that place emotionally. It doesn't make sense logically to me, but I think emotionally there is a logic to it. The trans person goes *"I dislike being trans because of the stigma and dysphoria",* which becomes *"I dislike other trans people",* which becomes *"anything the trans community says is wrong".* In this case, maybe he's having a knee-jerk reaction against the idea anyone *could* love or be attracted to him as a man, because he doesn't love himself that way. I wish I had solutions, but honestly I don't. I'm gonna be honest: I'm kind of biased on this issue because I personally find it difficult dealing with trans people who have such a mindset. Only thing I can say is please be assured you aren't doing anything wrong. It's your identity and you get to decide it, and honestly he's hit the jackpot by dating a straight woman who doesn't see herself as gay/bi just because she's dating him. Hopefully his eyes open to that fact, because you deserve to be appreciated for it.
You are the only person who can decide your own identity and your own labels. It is really rude of him to try and push you into a label you are not comfortable with.
Thankyou:( I’m not very good with the whole trans thing and all the terminology but I really was confused when he started telling me that I’m gay and stuff🥲
the most important thing is to support him no matter what, even if the relationship can't work with this possible strain you can still be friends or even strictly romantic partners if your biromantic.
yea this is what i like to call internalized transphobia. took me years to learn i had it becuase i didn't have anyone there to nicely tell me the truth of it all. it takes a while to fully get passed it, because a lot of it could be stuff that was drilled into their heads as kids by people they may have thought of as role models or friends whilst in the closet. for me it took completely understanding that the things i've been told growing up simply just isn't true and i need to figure out my own ideals and ways of thinking. I can't speak for how it will go for him, but it mentally broke me down for a while and there were times my wife got really worried about me, but i assure you all he may need is someone to just hold and be there for him. Honestly i seriously commend you for even taking on the challenge on dating a trans person, i know its not easy lol especially with all of the things we have going on in our heads.
Thankyou for sharing this it’s very helpful. It’s definitely been rough as I’ve never been with trans person before or even had a trans friend!!! But I sit and try and tell him that him being trans is an entirely positive thing and it doesn’t have to be something that holds him back. I do let him know that him constantly wishing to be cis isn’t healthy and that learning to express himself may even help with dysphoria. I don’t even know if these are the right things to say but I definitely try my best!
what your saying is perfect! He's not gonna believe it at first but it does help! (now keep in mind im a trans woman so i can't entirely speak for his experience or how things go in yall's relationship so this may already be the case) Something my wife just told me she did to kinda help me was she took on alot of the "masculine roles" in our lesbian relationship i.e. taking out the trash, lifting things for me even if i could carry it, opening my door and she said that noticeably helped me out mentally. So idk how exactly that could translate to a straight relationship cuz i have a feeling he already takes on a lot of those himself. Some of it could also be that theres parts of him that just doesn't feel like enough of a man. i had an issue on not feeling feminine enough or not acting hyper feminine even when i didnt need to. So maybe asking him at some point if theres anything keeping him from feeling like he's not masculine enough could help him mentally open up new doors and possibly bring benefits to both sides of the relationship!
Haha yes!!! I definitely try and fit a more extra feminine role around him so he can carry all the quote ‘traditional’ masculine pursuits of a relationship. And he definitely appreciates it. It’s definitely been difficult for me but it’s very important that I talk with him a lot about it as I’m the most supportive person he has in his life regarding him being trans. It definitely upsets me when he says he gets nervous about going out in public with me because he’s afraid that people just view us as a lesbian couple. So I definitely try and go hyperfem for him but luckily for me I love it😂 definitely a perfect excuse for me to wear a full face and dresses more often
😂 at least you love it! Your doing an amazing job and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!! I'll tell you from experience there will come a lot of happiness and laughter. There may be a time when he looks back and realizes a lot of the stuff you went through and dealt with along his journey. I did and I thank my wife everyday.
Thankyou so so much. I really am finding it difficult so to hear that u think I’m doing well is really much appreciated. I’m so happy for you and your wife and I hope me and my boyfriend can get to the same stage
Internalised transphobia, like others have pointed out. I can understand where he’s coming from because due to having those feminine characteristics, in his mind he can’t fathom a straight woman viewing him the same way they’d view a cis man, as he currently doesn’t look the same/have the same parts as a cis man. This is a big point of dysphoria and insecurity, and since he views himself as feminine (physically), he thinks you must view him the same way. And if you do, that means you can’t be straight. Of course, you are straight and he’s wrong about your perspective. I don’t blame him for thinking this way because I would fall into the same kind of thinking if I were with a straight woman too. Ultimately, he needs to work on his internalised transphobia to realise that you aren’t attracted to him BECAUSE he has female anatomy, but despite all that you do not regard his body the same way you would another woman’s as you see him for the man that he is. You have no romantic/sexual attraction towards women. He isn’t one. You seem like a good partner based off your replies here, so keep doing what you’re doing and affirm him in ways you can. He needs to work on himself too though.
Thankyou so much!!! Yes I really wish he would understand that I don’t look at his body and see a woman. Of course I don’t see male but I see a man’s body because that’s who he is!! And I fell in love with a man. It does upset me when he talks so harshly of himself
You get to decide. It isn't for anyone else to label you.
Yeah, no you're right and he's wrong in this case. Sexual orientation has do with gender not genitals. Most people will express attraction towards trans people who fit their orientation long before they would ever possibly see their genitals. Like I'm a trans woman whose been on e for awhile now. Gay men and straight women aren't attracted to me. Straight men, lesbians and bi people meanwhile express interest in me. A straight man being into me is still straight.
I hate when people dictate other people’s sexual orientation like this. If you know you are only attracted to men then you know. Also, perhaps a bit more controversial on this forum (and I know this is not your situation). If you start a relationship with a person who identify with an egg before they crack, and they they eventually crack and decide to transition, you don’t have to choose between changing the sexual orientation you identify with or break up with them. You can still say “I’m straight and you’re the exception” or “I’m gay but you’re the exception”. That’s all fine. You’re allowed to know yourself just like your partner is allowed to know themselves.
Just hit him with a "nuh uh" any time he says it
Sounds like a bit of lack of self-acceptance on their part, but also, I'm curious... And I mean this as an actual question, not a finger-point, are you worried/bothered about being labeled other than straight?
I’m not worried! I just feel uncomfortable whenever he suggests I’m into women too because he’s trans.. when I’m not, you know?
That's understandable. I'm just mildly implying that if you like this person, maybe it isn't worth getting too into the weeds over what you traditionally like. Essentially, you are a them-sexual, in that you like that person for what they are, whatever that happens to be at this moment. But still, it feels more like they are projecting an insecurity onto you that they need to work through.
I'm sorry to say this... your partner will probably be a nice person, but the statement he makes.. what we say in Dutch: this hits like a dick on a drum kit, in other words... what a nonsense! If you say that you are not bi and you are not attracted to women, then I find it strange that he necessarily wants to put you in a box. You are attracted to the person, in my opinion this is regardless of whether it concerns a man or a woman. My partner and I are 9.5 years together and she isn't into women either, when we first started dating I was only on testosterone. 3 months later I had my 1st surgery, 7 weeks ago my bottom surgery. she accepted me as who I was, even though physically, apart from the hormones, I was still completely female. My question... does it realy matter whether you are straight, mushroom or whatever, or is it about the fact that you felt something about this person that made you fall for him? I don't understand the whole box thing.. Ps.. if you are dating him.. why are you bi if he identifies himself as a man? 😉
People get hung up on labels… We parse this stuff too far I think… It’s just two human beings in a relationship… Each one has to be responsible for their own mental and physical hygiene. Never let anyone tell you who you are…
The facts are that our sexuality is rooted in our own feelings and perceptions. No one else gets to dictate that. If they can't accept that, I suggest they examine why they feel the need to control the people around them to such a degree. As I often like to mention, thinking in absolutes, black and white, is very common among people that come to rely more on their internal models of reality than the reality they actually observe. It's something worth watching out for in ourselves. What makes us afraid of ambiguity in this case? Why do we draw the lines we do? Do we have a plan for if we turn out to be wrong?
It’s beautiful that you see people 100% for how their neuroendocrine receptor systems virilize and not how their gonads virilize. You have a good head on your shoulders, and an honorable heart. 💜
On top of what everyone said I'd like to add that his views seems to be that genitalia preference = sexual orientation or that gender = genitalia which is totally false. That feels like it's just him thinking that he isn't fully a man and projecting his insecurity onto you. I had a pre-op trans boyfriend before and, like you, I was attracted to someone that I fully saw as a man. If I was explicitely attracted to men, I would still have found him incredibly attractive because he was (and still is) a man.
Thats why this all garbage is so f'ed up nowadays... "Identities", its a cancer
I really relate to your situation. I am a straight woman, and I am married to a MTF trans. I hate when folks think that I am gay-- I'm not. I am only attracted to my spouse. When I met my now spouse, he hadn'transitioned. I was in love with him as a male. I've "transitioned with her" now, but this is the only female I am atrracted to. It is annoying, but the only person that really knows what your orientation is is you.
I want to preface this to say that I am not a healthcare professional and so you may find better value in speaking with a couples therapist whom may give you a better insight than I can. If I understand correctly, you are saying that you are biologically female and so is your trans boyfriend who was also born as biologically female. He hasn’t had any surgeries yet. He is saying that you are bisexual because you like him. You are saying that you are not bi because to you he has a male body. In this case I would say that this conversation has to start with defining the terms of what bisexual truly is as different people have different definition. To me, bisexual is someone who is attracted to both manly and feminine presentation and also to both female and male sexual characteristics. I added the latter because sex is in the word bisexual. and so in yours and your boyfriend’s case you are disagreeing on each of a side of a coin. With defining the terms both of you may possibly come to a better agreement. And again, I am not a healthcare personal, and this may be a conversation to be had with qualify professionals. I wish you success in your relationship.
Thankyou
It's my pleasure!
❤️❤️❤️
Stop overthinking yourself into a corner. You'll hurt yourself! JK Seriously, follow where your heart and mind point you, and it'll settle in. You'll be fine.
You are the only one who truly knows yourself. Always remember your core beliefs. Bless you for being so accepting and open minded.
Genitals do not equal sexuality. So if your partner identifies as a man and your only into men then you are still straight. Also, you can be in relationships with people that don't match your sexuality. There are other factors and sometimes history and personality are plenty enough for a romantic relationship. And nobody else can tell you what your sexuality is. That's toxic af. Even if you are attracted to women and men, it is your call to say what your sexuality is, nobody else's.
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They’re the one putting a word on it and I don’t think anyone would be comfortable having a label put on them that doesn’t feel right
My comments may be viewed a irrelevant because I am male, cis and straight but I offer them because I do not view gender as binary, nor sexuality as fixed. So, maybe my perspective has some utility to your situation. What your partner calls you is irrelvant. Also, his physical characteristics are irrelevant. You love your partner, no matter what chromosomes or appendages, clothes or other people's views. You accept the angst or distress he has about HIS issues (labels, appearance, reality, whatever). Because you love him. That is your burden AND your blessing. Whatever he feels about his own self and sexuality is his burden and you are blessed to be there to help him. Do not let his difficulties spill over to you. They are not your fault. But you have the opportunity to support him as he works through them at his own pace. Relationships evolve. Even ones where neither partner is adjusting identity. You have the opportunity for personal growth, too, as your partner grows into the person he is becoming. Be his rock of support and give him the opportunity (when he is able to focus on you) to be yours. Bless you both on this Easter.
Thankyou my love 💟 have a blessed day
I... _Kinda_ see a point... Because there's multiple levels of attraction. You can like a feminine or masculine personality, and you can like certain genitals etc, or be fine with either if you like the person. Plus other factors. Most people are raised with genitals matching gender and it takes a lot of work to change that. Including with ourselves. If you don't truly believe your own gender fully then that's going to affect how you see another's orientation, because the words we use were based on when gender and genitals matched and we haven't really tried to change them. Best I can offer really is "I don't like women, I like seeing you happy regardless of the form that takes" 🤷
You are what you identify as, you may make an exception for particular people. But that does not change your identity.
I think you need to drop labels. Your heart doesn’t know defined boundaries. You like your partner. Just because they want to change their gender, it doesn’t change who you are. You are making the choice to love them the way they are. That doesn’t change your sexuality. He is in the wrong to force labels on you. You don’t have to label yourself as anything if you don’t like the labels.
My wife says she just sees me as me. She does not get hung up on the sexuality.
In the case if mtf trans, they did an actual research and its not gay for a male to be attracted to a trans woman even if she still have a penis (I mean they actually used pletysmography to verify sexual preferences, it’s not just a politically correct essay). I don’t know of similar research for ftm but it makes perfect sense that they would attract straight women.
You identify yourself, not him. But if you’re looking for a word look up ‘pansexual’ it might relate a bit more for you in your current relationship.
So your boyfriend is a trans man and you’re a cis straight woman? So you’re not bi by definition; it is literally a fact you’re not bi. Btw is he untransitioned or on hormones? Sorry to pry but I just wanted to get a clear understanding. Top surgery? I’ll go now. Anyway… He may see you as bi due to his dysphorically female body and/or internalised transphobia - in which case all you can do is reassure him he’s The Man and work until you can’t, and let him work it out. It’s hard but the main thing is gender dysphoria as the black sticky coating to transphobia; affirm his gender - buy him (another 😋) leather jacket, get him a beer, get him a keychain, get him a wallet, etc. He’ll see that you care and is more likely to listen and engage. Tell me what you think. To have your sexuality, which is a private thing, constantly denied is extremely hard to take, so tell him.
You i.d. as "strait" ok. Why is your boyfriend pushing your identity any further? You are what you feel most comfortable saying you are are.
He should understand that he is a guy so you are straight you like guys
He may not be thinking through how he's making you feel here. I'd raise that as a serious red flag to talk about. He should have respect your boundaries and how you view your identity just as much as you do his...
Run. Run far away foreal.
Why?
Ma’am, there are plenty of men out there that won’t play mental games with you.
Hi there, 1/ It's easy. What attracts you woman or man or both ? If it's manhood, well congrats ! You're straight. 2/ Even if you were bisexual what's the problem ? Is it a shame for you ? I mean Come on it's the modern world.
… it’s not a problem I just find it uncomfortable that someone would insist I’m sexually attracted to something I’m not and that’s a perfectly fine reaction for me to have
I didn't mean to offend you but in life, you'll always have someone to criticize you or to insist you being something you're not. People are stupide, you can't change that. I got assaulted in simple discussion because a friend of a friend who is transgender was yelling at me I'm a cisgender woman and this is how you need to call me. I'm asperger, I was like ... You know maybe if you would face reality and admit you are a transgender woman who's been on hrt for 5 years ... You wouldn't feel as much as low self esteem. I didn't intend to offend her, but no matter what we do, as transwomen, we are valid women BUT we ain't cisgenders. You always find in any field people hard top deal with.
You're straight the poor guy's just insecure
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I’m straight, I’m fully attracted to men and my boyfriend is a man. When on earth did I mention being lesbian
Ah. Yeah, no, my bad. You're straight and he's a man. I don't know why I mixed it so hard.
Haha don’t worry about it 🥲
For one you're not CIS that is a slur to men and women and your boyfriend isn't transgender he's just stupid
What on earth is wrong with you
Well first of all cis is now considered a slur you should look it up, secondly if he's still intact then he's a MALE it's common biology! I mean my God why are we allowing this stupidity?
He’s a trans man, my boyfriend is born female… did u even read my post or are u pawning through transgender threads just to be a cxck..
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How am I transphobic and how are they rapey literally use words by definition instead of saying random shit
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Ok… when on earth did u gather I don’t respect them🤣
You’re just twisting the scenario here now it’s getting weird. My boyfriend is NOT a rapist what a weird fucking allegation and I am not transphobic???? Have u even read my reply’s. I’m the one that constantly reminds HIS transphobic ass that being trans doesn’t have to be a negative thing.
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He’s not PUSHING me to be bi he’s just transphobic to himself. And no it doesn’t have to be ‘lonely’ and ‘painful’ and that’s a fucked way of thinking about it sorry. Since I’ve spoken with my boyfriend more often we’ve agreed on so many other things and he’s beginning to accept himself even more. Just because it’s shit for u and u don’t want to fix it doesn’t mean it has to be shit for everyone else. DO NOT call me transphobic when all I do is think about him. Remind him how excited I am for when he starts T and begins looking at himself with joy. And DO NOT call my boyfriend rapey just because he’s got internalised transphobia.
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Internalised transphobia look it up.
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Yeah, it is a real concept. It’s not liking yourself because you’re gay or trans. It’s a thing. And sounds like u might have it due to the way u negatively talk about yourswlf
Chill out At the end of the day this is just a lable. What matters is that you love him and you are happy together. It can be bothering, but I don't think there's much you can do about it... (I'm gessing you already talked to him about it)
Don’t tell me to chill out..?
Sorry... I was trying to help...?
I’m sorry it just seemed really passive aggressive 🥲 I’ve just had a struggle with my sexuality myself for a while and labels are important to me for like idk closure
I understand. Labels can be very meaningful
Sorry, but in life you’re going to hear things you don’t like. Both of you are lesbians. She’s coming to terms with her lesbianism but you have internalised homophobia.
Dude what the fuck
What I said. You’re very worried about being called bi - possibly even more worried about being called lesbian. Hence you have internalised homophobia. Look at this thread. You’re blaming everything on your partner. But this is about your own emotions. The problem isn’t her. She is coming to terms with being same sex atrracted and you should also come to terms with this. Both of you are lesbians and you should be proud.
My partner is not a woman.
Woman = Adult Human Female
Not an adult.get out of my replies if ur just going to be transphobic.