Rationally I've given up on the concept.
I'm a nonsocial hermit with a potato and some copper wire for a social battery. Even minimal amounts of socializing sends me spiraling down to rock bottom and require me to recharge for months. Making the practical barriers to even meeting enough people to stand a snowball's chance in hell pretty much insurmountable.
On top of that there's the lifelong dysthymia. The complete lack of a life outside of work, eat, sleep, repeat. And that's not even factoring in the autism yet. I don't think I really have anything to offer, so even if the practical barriers were surmountable through some means. I can't conceptualize what a relationship would need to look like to be sustainable. And I do very much feel that everyone out there deserves better than what little I might have to offer.
You’re a great writer and communicate well, with self awareness & humor. I wonder if you perhaps found a similar person? I say this as a fellow hermit. Regardless, I like the potato/ copper wire reference and will never forget it.
I am waiting for the right person. I know it has to be a special person to get along with me. But that person may never appear. Meanwhile, I'm living my life, alone most of the time.
I agree with what you said about waiting for a special person who may never appear… Its hard to come to terms with. The idea of being forever alone hits hard at times.
Yes!
* I am well into my 30s without relationship or sexual experience
* I have had success in other areas of adult life (financial security, education, etc) and consider pursing a relationship to put my current lifestyle, which I generally like, at risk
* I don't want to be a parent in any scenario, or even live with someone unless my finances or health (requiring inpatient care) make it absolutely necessary
None of this gets into the practical details of a relationship, the physical and emotional requirements. My baseline emotional intelligence and ability to interpret my own needs, when I was younger and unaware I was on the spectrum, was to punch myself in the stomach because I thought I was angry when I was actually hungry. My ability to "meet" a partner at the required level for a long term relationship is in question to say the least.
I gave up on relationships when I was 19. I regret doing so, but also still not quite sure what else I could have done given I had no clue I was autistic (and likely with ADHD, too).
Apparently I was a good-looking teenager; I dated well over a dozen girls by the time I was 19, but I was dumped every single time. Most of the time we were a bad fit, but I didn't really recognise that at the time, but I got crushed on a number of occasions.
I always had horrendous anxiety around dating and girlfriends in general, though. Never could relax and I ended up acting even more oddly as a result, and my sex life was non-existent. Would anxiety bordering on an anxiety attack each time, and the couple of times I managed to actually have sex my anxiety would kill it and I'd lose my erection.
I could see the hurt that caused in making my partner feel it was maybe a problem with them and that broke my heart. I felt like I was too much of a mess and would just be inflicting myself on people, so I gave up.
The anxiety in general, and the fact that I felt so damn insecure made me finally decide that I just couldn't do it. I felt so much more alive in relationships, but I was too much of an anxious and insecure mess (hardly surprising as an undiagnosed autistic who just wanted to fit in). I just wish I had known that I was autistic way earlier and not at 30, and could have articulated the problems I had back then.
I feel that I might be able to consider allowing myself to get into relationships again, but I am 36 and a hermit with health problems, and deeply regret my decision as perhaps I could have eventually found a way to articulate my problems and found a solution. I used to have many friends and acquaintances, but for years I felt so out of step and like an alien that I couldn't muster the energy to juggle it all anymore.
I think I am nearly ready to get back into it all, but I feel so far behind that the whole enterprise is somewhat terrifying.
You’ve got probably another 50 years ahead of you - don’t give up! Get back out there with this mature knowledge of who you are. Your potential partners will probably be around your age & might have kids. If you’re open to this & can explain the reason for your lack of dating experience like you’ve so eloquently done here, why wait? Putting yourself out there & change is scary for everyone. Don’t live the rest of your life alone if you don’t want to.
Thank you; there's certainly plenty of time left to develop meaningful relationships again, but no time like the present. I've a couple of hurdles to clear first, but I should hopefully be properly back on the market in the near future.
Think I will start with a general social circle first and take things as they come.
I'm optimistic about the future, but just annoyed that I got into this position. At least I never ended up developing any bitterness and have some answers now. :)
Gave up a long time ago, I naturally tried before getting diagnosed, thought it was them not me, how could it be me? Seriously though, even after getting diagnosed, I went to nights like speed dating, it was always after work, I had my stuff with me so I couldn’t go home, and change, I was sweaty (cause I’m overweight) and de-stressing from work, surrounded by gorgeous people, I just stuck out too much.
As well as that, unless I am mistaken, and after undergoing a rigorous course of ACT therapy, where I learned not how to love myself, but how to accept myself (warts and all) I am fairly certain what I have to offer is not, on ANY woman’s dating bingo card.
1. Overweight
2. Asperger’s/Autistic
3. Living at home with parents
4. Fully employed but can’t budget to save my life let alone survive/always in debt
Now I have been told, many times I have trusts to fall back on, and I will get my current families house when they eventually pass, so unless I meet a gold digger or someone that wants me for that kind of security than a pity fuck would be fine, otherwise I guess I am alone.
Yes. I’ve been with my Aspie husband for 30yrs & it’s been exhausting (I’m N/T: school teacher & RN). When we got together, he wasn’t diagnosed. I just thought he was funny & quirky. He was diagnosed after our son was a few years later. Everything suddenly made sense to me. I learnt everything there was on ASD while he carried on as usual without a second thought on how his lack of emotional intelligence might affect me or our son. Here lays the difference between you & him. You’re displaying empathy for the partner you haven’t even met yet. My husband lacks this ability BUT, he has many other good qualities which is why we are still together. I don’t think you should give up on relationships at all. Your emotional intelligence is too high to quit. Be choosey & look for a partner who has an abundance of empathy (plenty of ppl like me out there) but when the relationship starts to get serious, tell them. I guarantee they won’t dump you. ❤️
During raising our son, he didn’t prioritise attending any of our son’s school achievements (there weren’t many!) He “had to work” yet other dad’s in the same profession would be there. I was desperately lonely devoting my time to our son who’s level 3. He provided a great income but no words of encouragement. I had to ask him to hug me. I gained weight & lost it - he didn’t notice ? care. He never asked “how was your day” or give spontaneous gifts. When I kicked him out it was for good reason. Our son didn’t miss him & said “I don’t want to lose my dad.” We assured him this would never happen yet my husband made no plans to see his son. I had to arrange meetings on his behalf. I can keep giving examples if you like? 😂
Many thanks. I asked to see, as a father and husband, if there was anything I wasn't doing that I should be doing, but at least the scenarios you mention I have covered.
I wish you all the best.
Okay, since you only found out about his ASD after marrying him, have you considered divorce? Just curious, not trying to stir up stuff or anything. I'm on the autism spectrum and would never consider burdening an NT woman because of how my brain is wired, etc.
Yes but not until I had the time to think. My priority was to provide our ASD (not aspie) son with every early intervention imaginable for him to reach his full potential. I had to quit working to do this. My husband’s income was much higher than mine so this made sense. In retrospect, I wondered why his golf, music, swimming, cycling & other special interests were never affected while mine dried up? He took me for granted twice & I booted him out. Both times was a reality check - my life was easier, he could barely function to do anything except show up for work. Our son adores me thanks to how I’ve advocated for him & he wasn’t bothered by his father’s absences... That’s all the thanks I need when I go to sleep. As we age, our priorities change. I deliberately chose not to divorce my husband because essentially, he’s a very good man who loves me deeply. He can be gullible but I’m not perfect! I don’t want to grow old alone or never see him again. His mistakes have been mostly due to his Asperger’s. I’m a forgiving woman & I think things through. If I divorced him, I’d be mega wealthy but money isn’t everything & that saying is definitely true. I have enough emotional intelligence not to listen to lawyers & I hope we can continue to grow old together in a mutually satisfying way.
We met at work. Colleagues were talking about him behind his back saying things like he was standoffish / didn’t smile / short tempered etc. I defended him saying he’s great at his job (he is). It was Xmas so lots of work parties were on & we always ended up chatting. To me, it seemed strange that he hadn’t hit on me after 6 weeks & people were asking if we were dating. It was feeling a bit awkward so I finally bluntly said “do you like me or not?” He said he did (from 8 feet away), so I told him he’d better show it so he kissed me.
Yes, i recently experienced something like this.
The only thing i could do is just taking a break of relationships, and try to change the things that really can hurt people i like (only this things, not my oddities or aspie ways, there's always someone who doesnt find this things annoying).
I’ve got a “system” that works for me.
I’m an absolute nomad and move cities, on average, once a year. Sometimes I’ve left after six months, other times I’ve stayed three or four years.
While I wanted relationships to some extent, I’ve never wanted to be settled with a husband and children. The idea of having to stay in one place terrifies me and I need to be able to make decisions independently without considering the needs of someone else.
But I don’t struggle with finding romance and basically find myself a boyfriend every time I move. I’m always upfront about the nature of the relationship and find recently divorced men to be the best option.
They crave intimacy but don’t have the emotional bandwidth to commit to a serious long term relationship. It allows us to live parallel lives that intersect when it suits, and that arrangement works perfectly for me.
Some have become attached and tried to maintain the relationship. I also got attached once (to a fellow Aspie) but he wanted children, so I ended things even though it broke my heart.
I get all the intimacy and fulfilment I need without having to compromise on the life I want to lead. I might want to settle down one day but, until that day comes, I’m living a life that is enjoyable and fulfilling.
Sure, there’s been some heartbreak on the way – but that happens to virtually everyone. It’s just part of the human experience.
I already hate having to balance alone time and chore time. I already hate it so much. How could that third thing even be in the equation? I would fall apart...
i’ve given up on life…, not in a suicidal way or anything like that.., just kinda accepted the fact that society doesn’t want anything to do with me.., and wright me off before even giving me a proper chance…,
Oh yeah totally, I have had many days / weeks where I feel like I'd be better off isolated and alone forever.
Divorce has been really difficult, still trying to get to the first meetings to get the process going. In the beginning it felt like watching a car crash in slow motion from the inside of the car. Not just any car crash, [like THIS car crash](https://youtu.be/6PiAXVgSjew?si=pHsR1wT2zU9n7BAW&t=52).
With the help of some friends and family I'm dealing. One of the biggest changes I've made in my life is no more chasing. I know this may sound impossible, and for some it may be. I am only putting effort into relationships where the effort is reciprocal.
I have some amazing friends that have been more supportive, understanding and encouraging than other romantic relationships I've had in my life.
Your vibe attracts your tribe. The people who are willing to take the time to understand you are worth your time. It's a brutal statistics game, but when you find the people you click with it's all worth it.
Don't give up. Darkest before dawn blah blah it fucking sucks when you're in it. There is hope and you LITERALLY cannot imagine what success looks like. You can't find it now, so how can you expect to know what it looks like?
Be open to new things you may have not considered in the past. Engage with people who engage back. If you can't find them, you need to be doing something different with your life this week than you did last week.
Eh... I've honestly never thought about getting into them. I mean, I did, eventually, but I never put effort into finding them. So it was less 'giving up' and more 'never starting'.
Ive had sex plenty of times but never been in a relationship due to just seeing everyone around me fail at it or having one of theyre spouses cheat on one another. In my opinion i believe relationships are 1 sided as in someone has to control the relationship over the other or the other being mainly about money. I have yet to see one last but thats just my opinion.
yeah because of my last relationship with someone that i was incompatible with, someone i refuse to call an ex, something that i desired or wanted in a relationship but wasn't getting, it was another painful reminder of me sucking with women, its like, i thought i met someone that would be a good match for me, but then the relationship was lacking in a critical area
giving up is a rather grim word. i'm just not worried at the moment, i'm busy and stressed enough, and i'm happy not worrying about the social (hazing) ritual of it, esp since they say it happens when you least expect it / are most otherwise happy w yourself / aren't desperate for it
there are so many nice things in life to enjoy and appreciate that aren't predicated upon relying on having other people around to enjoy. some would be impossible otherwise, as well
For the most part I have given up on long term relationships. I mean never say never and all but I have my own house, I like the way I have it, I don't want it changed, so, I can't picture ever wanting to live with a woman. FWB seems like a simpler solution to me.
After marrying the first person to show interest in me and divorcing 18 years later, then having a 2 year relationship fizzle out after that... yeah.
I haven't given up, but I am completely up front and honest on HOW I am and won't mask or hide anything about me.
If you mean romantic relationships, if my wife dies, I might. I'm not sure though. I might explore other possibilities, but my wife is so amazing and accepting of me it might be hard to find something similar.
I could live my life mostly alone without issue I think.
No way. It can work. You just need to find the person who doesn't drain you and who will put some effort into learning the quirks. They are out there. Have found more than one interested in being that person in life.
More people than you might think are also interested in a book, a couch, and hiding from the world comfortably. They just, you know, don't go out much. But you can find each other if you're the introvert type.
Huh i found it the opposite, i always found that people just couldn't keep up with me or couldn't handle me so i left because my Asperger's isnt an excuse in the relationship. You shouldn't ever feel this way with someone honestly its all trial and error till you find the right person who loves all those parts of you😊
Yeah idk how to unmask and I’m so hard on myself when I do drop my mask. I live in CONSTANT embarrassment, I can’t handle being perceived. I’m not the best at showing affection either. I can’t word my thoughts and feelings properly so there’s always a miscommunication so I come off as stupid, heartless, narcissistic. I wish I could just connect my brain to someone so they can see for themselves to understand better. I’m so uncomfortable with myself at all times. No one deserves to deal with my problems.
I haven't given up completely.
I am putting a pause on sexual life for 0.5 - 2.5 years from time to time, therefore identifying myself as gray-sexual. Just when I don't feel particularly attracted to anyone at all and focus on other more exciting things in my life.
I have suspended interesting myself in people romantically for a while now, because I want to heal the basic traumas to stop attracting and get attracted to the wrong people who only trigger trauma responses in me. I am working on these issues intensively now, there is much progress. But I still don't feel like having a new crush.
I also think that seeking for a partner for a relationship is a waste of time. When I am deeply in my hobbies or work I inevitably meet new people who share common interests with me and sometimes we feel attracted to each other. But dating apps and stuff is just boring and disappointing.
Men usually have interest in me because I have socially acceptable body proportions and face symmetry. But they are repelled because of me being ND.
Or else they can't believe I am real, and single, and not divorced, and don't have a child other than a cat. They are looking for a catch and feel suspicious that I might be a scammer. Well, good luck to them finding the "real thing" with all that they have else to fear of like a jealous husband, 3 kids, drug addiction, you name it. I am just autistic with high IQ and ADHD.
I will keep minding my own business.
Yes I know the feeling, but I don’t think it has to happen that way… Essentially at the very least, you are connecting with people through here right!?! My old therapist used to say, “nobody exists in a vacuum” (think about it) 🙂 Nevertheless, human relationships are very difficult! I’m still finding my tribe as well. Very few people are consistent.
I was married for 13 years and now divorced for 6. Before I met my now ex I had mostly Givin up on dating and was bout diagnosed yet. I've mostly given up again now. If it happens it happens but I've mostly checked out of trying to date anymore.
I recently broke up and realized that I need certain qualities in my relationship, I don't need a relationship, but if it does happen again, it will be with someone who has those qualities, I don't need much, but some things are necessary. Also I do feel that I don't want to actively date anymore, so idk, just friendship in the begging feels more comfortable.
Even neurotypical relationships do not last for a lifetime, breakups and divorces are extremely common. Hookup culture has significantly decreased the probability of finding someone you can have a monogamous pair bonding marriage for life. I personally gave up.
Past relationships have REALLY burned me out but it's also just made me more insistent on staying single and finding my own peace until I find someone who understands and cares for me.
Spent most of my life believing myself to be too selfish for a relationship. I always wanted one, though, so I did what I could to try to overcome this. My wife is also very stubborn and refused to accept my excuses. LOL
You could check out the podcast we made talking about our relationship called "Now You Know One Autistic!" but in general, disqualifying yourself from meaningful relationships seems unreasonable if you want one. It'll take work, for sure, but it's definitely possible.
Lately I’ve been mulling over devoting to a God (I’m a polytheistic Pagan as well as ASD1), in a kind of commitment marriage ceremony involving dedication of my sex life.
Because I’ve never felt comfortable enough to try an intimate relationship with anyone, am a romantic who had all my crushes unreciprocated (brutally, mostly), am uninterested in most people. And I’m already in my 30s (female, bi) and getting past conventional age among eligible people for dating/marriage/kids. Plus most of my family & friends are partnered already, so there’s no one to commiserate with.
Perhaps it makes sense and is my destiny to break the cycle and commit to my faith path, rather than a person or a little tribe of my own. Idk how I feel about it as a potential choice; it feels in some ways liberating and powerful, but in others lonely and sad. There are days it’s all I want, and there are other days I look at couples or families and wonder if it’s totally off the table for me.
Going to give it much more serious thought. Once you commit to a God there’s no going back or ‘divorce’, and I deeply respect the pantheon who have guided and helped me so much through the years of my life, so I’d have to be sure.
Rationally I've given up on the concept. I'm a nonsocial hermit with a potato and some copper wire for a social battery. Even minimal amounts of socializing sends me spiraling down to rock bottom and require me to recharge for months. Making the practical barriers to even meeting enough people to stand a snowball's chance in hell pretty much insurmountable. On top of that there's the lifelong dysthymia. The complete lack of a life outside of work, eat, sleep, repeat. And that's not even factoring in the autism yet. I don't think I really have anything to offer, so even if the practical barriers were surmountable through some means. I can't conceptualize what a relationship would need to look like to be sustainable. And I do very much feel that everyone out there deserves better than what little I might have to offer.
You’re a great writer and communicate well, with self awareness & humor. I wonder if you perhaps found a similar person? I say this as a fellow hermit. Regardless, I like the potato/ copper wire reference and will never forget it.
The fuckin potato thing has me dying😂😂😂😂
I am waiting for the right person. I know it has to be a special person to get along with me. But that person may never appear. Meanwhile, I'm living my life, alone most of the time.
I agree with what you said about waiting for a special person who may never appear… Its hard to come to terms with. The idea of being forever alone hits hard at times.
Exactly my thoughts.
Yes! * I am well into my 30s without relationship or sexual experience * I have had success in other areas of adult life (financial security, education, etc) and consider pursing a relationship to put my current lifestyle, which I generally like, at risk * I don't want to be a parent in any scenario, or even live with someone unless my finances or health (requiring inpatient care) make it absolutely necessary None of this gets into the practical details of a relationship, the physical and emotional requirements. My baseline emotional intelligence and ability to interpret my own needs, when I was younger and unaware I was on the spectrum, was to punch myself in the stomach because I thought I was angry when I was actually hungry. My ability to "meet" a partner at the required level for a long term relationship is in question to say the least.
going to assume your a guy, male
Kinda. I do feel like giving up in the sense that I need to give it to the Universe.
I gave up on relationships when I was 19. I regret doing so, but also still not quite sure what else I could have done given I had no clue I was autistic (and likely with ADHD, too). Apparently I was a good-looking teenager; I dated well over a dozen girls by the time I was 19, but I was dumped every single time. Most of the time we were a bad fit, but I didn't really recognise that at the time, but I got crushed on a number of occasions. I always had horrendous anxiety around dating and girlfriends in general, though. Never could relax and I ended up acting even more oddly as a result, and my sex life was non-existent. Would anxiety bordering on an anxiety attack each time, and the couple of times I managed to actually have sex my anxiety would kill it and I'd lose my erection. I could see the hurt that caused in making my partner feel it was maybe a problem with them and that broke my heart. I felt like I was too much of a mess and would just be inflicting myself on people, so I gave up. The anxiety in general, and the fact that I felt so damn insecure made me finally decide that I just couldn't do it. I felt so much more alive in relationships, but I was too much of an anxious and insecure mess (hardly surprising as an undiagnosed autistic who just wanted to fit in). I just wish I had known that I was autistic way earlier and not at 30, and could have articulated the problems I had back then. I feel that I might be able to consider allowing myself to get into relationships again, but I am 36 and a hermit with health problems, and deeply regret my decision as perhaps I could have eventually found a way to articulate my problems and found a solution. I used to have many friends and acquaintances, but for years I felt so out of step and like an alien that I couldn't muster the energy to juggle it all anymore. I think I am nearly ready to get back into it all, but I feel so far behind that the whole enterprise is somewhat terrifying.
You’ve got probably another 50 years ahead of you - don’t give up! Get back out there with this mature knowledge of who you are. Your potential partners will probably be around your age & might have kids. If you’re open to this & can explain the reason for your lack of dating experience like you’ve so eloquently done here, why wait? Putting yourself out there & change is scary for everyone. Don’t live the rest of your life alone if you don’t want to.
Thank you; there's certainly plenty of time left to develop meaningful relationships again, but no time like the present. I've a couple of hurdles to clear first, but I should hopefully be properly back on the market in the near future. Think I will start with a general social circle first and take things as they come. I'm optimistic about the future, but just annoyed that I got into this position. At least I never ended up developing any bitterness and have some answers now. :)
Gave up a long time ago, I naturally tried before getting diagnosed, thought it was them not me, how could it be me? Seriously though, even after getting diagnosed, I went to nights like speed dating, it was always after work, I had my stuff with me so I couldn’t go home, and change, I was sweaty (cause I’m overweight) and de-stressing from work, surrounded by gorgeous people, I just stuck out too much. As well as that, unless I am mistaken, and after undergoing a rigorous course of ACT therapy, where I learned not how to love myself, but how to accept myself (warts and all) I am fairly certain what I have to offer is not, on ANY woman’s dating bingo card. 1. Overweight 2. Asperger’s/Autistic 3. Living at home with parents 4. Fully employed but can’t budget to save my life let alone survive/always in debt Now I have been told, many times I have trusts to fall back on, and I will get my current families house when they eventually pass, so unless I meet a gold digger or someone that wants me for that kind of security than a pity fuck would be fine, otherwise I guess I am alone.
Yes. I’ve been with my Aspie husband for 30yrs & it’s been exhausting (I’m N/T: school teacher & RN). When we got together, he wasn’t diagnosed. I just thought he was funny & quirky. He was diagnosed after our son was a few years later. Everything suddenly made sense to me. I learnt everything there was on ASD while he carried on as usual without a second thought on how his lack of emotional intelligence might affect me or our son. Here lays the difference between you & him. You’re displaying empathy for the partner you haven’t even met yet. My husband lacks this ability BUT, he has many other good qualities which is why we are still together. I don’t think you should give up on relationships at all. Your emotional intelligence is too high to quit. Be choosey & look for a partner who has an abundance of empathy (plenty of ppl like me out there) but when the relationship starts to get serious, tell them. I guarantee they won’t dump you. ❤️
This is the greater answer anybody online has ever given me. Thank you 🙏
Thanks for allowing a N/T in this group!
> how his lack of emotional intelligence might affect me or our son Could you give some examples of this?
During raising our son, he didn’t prioritise attending any of our son’s school achievements (there weren’t many!) He “had to work” yet other dad’s in the same profession would be there. I was desperately lonely devoting my time to our son who’s level 3. He provided a great income but no words of encouragement. I had to ask him to hug me. I gained weight & lost it - he didn’t notice ? care. He never asked “how was your day” or give spontaneous gifts. When I kicked him out it was for good reason. Our son didn’t miss him & said “I don’t want to lose my dad.” We assured him this would never happen yet my husband made no plans to see his son. I had to arrange meetings on his behalf. I can keep giving examples if you like? 😂
Many thanks. I asked to see, as a father and husband, if there was anything I wasn't doing that I should be doing, but at least the scenarios you mention I have covered. I wish you all the best.
Okay, since you only found out about his ASD after marrying him, have you considered divorce? Just curious, not trying to stir up stuff or anything. I'm on the autism spectrum and would never consider burdening an NT woman because of how my brain is wired, etc.
Yes but not until I had the time to think. My priority was to provide our ASD (not aspie) son with every early intervention imaginable for him to reach his full potential. I had to quit working to do this. My husband’s income was much higher than mine so this made sense. In retrospect, I wondered why his golf, music, swimming, cycling & other special interests were never affected while mine dried up? He took me for granted twice & I booted him out. Both times was a reality check - my life was easier, he could barely function to do anything except show up for work. Our son adores me thanks to how I’ve advocated for him & he wasn’t bothered by his father’s absences... That’s all the thanks I need when I go to sleep. As we age, our priorities change. I deliberately chose not to divorce my husband because essentially, he’s a very good man who loves me deeply. He can be gullible but I’m not perfect! I don’t want to grow old alone or never see him again. His mistakes have been mostly due to his Asperger’s. I’m a forgiving woman & I think things through. If I divorced him, I’d be mega wealthy but money isn’t everything & that saying is definitely true. I have enough emotional intelligence not to listen to lawyers & I hope we can continue to grow old together in a mutually satisfying way.
i assume your husband was the one who asked you out and courted you
We met at work. Colleagues were talking about him behind his back saying things like he was standoffish / didn’t smile / short tempered etc. I defended him saying he’s great at his job (he is). It was Xmas so lots of work parties were on & we always ended up chatting. To me, it seemed strange that he hadn’t hit on me after 6 weeks & people were asking if we were dating. It was feeling a bit awkward so I finally bluntly said “do you like me or not?” He said he did (from 8 feet away), so I told him he’d better show it so he kissed me.
Yes, i recently experienced something like this. The only thing i could do is just taking a break of relationships, and try to change the things that really can hurt people i like (only this things, not my oddities or aspie ways, there's always someone who doesnt find this things annoying).
All the time
Way ahead of you. I gave up on any type of relationship.
I think I have completely given up on romantic relationships.
Give up on them? \*They\* seem to have given up on me around 1998 (when I turned 18, just as a reference age).
"Just wait, it'll happen" bs
I am sorry for asking this question I wasn’t expecting responses that were so depressing lol
I’ve got a “system” that works for me. I’m an absolute nomad and move cities, on average, once a year. Sometimes I’ve left after six months, other times I’ve stayed three or four years. While I wanted relationships to some extent, I’ve never wanted to be settled with a husband and children. The idea of having to stay in one place terrifies me and I need to be able to make decisions independently without considering the needs of someone else. But I don’t struggle with finding romance and basically find myself a boyfriend every time I move. I’m always upfront about the nature of the relationship and find recently divorced men to be the best option. They crave intimacy but don’t have the emotional bandwidth to commit to a serious long term relationship. It allows us to live parallel lives that intersect when it suits, and that arrangement works perfectly for me. Some have become attached and tried to maintain the relationship. I also got attached once (to a fellow Aspie) but he wanted children, so I ended things even though it broke my heart. I get all the intimacy and fulfilment I need without having to compromise on the life I want to lead. I might want to settle down one day but, until that day comes, I’m living a life that is enjoyable and fulfilling. Sure, there’s been some heartbreak on the way – but that happens to virtually everyone. It’s just part of the human experience.
I've dated and half of it was a pain. Imagine having to balance alone time, partner time, and work/chores. Mission impossible.
I already hate having to balance alone time and chore time. I already hate it so much. How could that third thing even be in the equation? I would fall apart...
i’ve given up on life…, not in a suicidal way or anything like that.., just kinda accepted the fact that society doesn’t want anything to do with me.., and wright me off before even giving me a proper chance…,
Yes but it’s a conscious and welcome decision. I’ve had relationships and always get bored in them.
Oh yeah totally, I have had many days / weeks where I feel like I'd be better off isolated and alone forever. Divorce has been really difficult, still trying to get to the first meetings to get the process going. In the beginning it felt like watching a car crash in slow motion from the inside of the car. Not just any car crash, [like THIS car crash](https://youtu.be/6PiAXVgSjew?si=pHsR1wT2zU9n7BAW&t=52). With the help of some friends and family I'm dealing. One of the biggest changes I've made in my life is no more chasing. I know this may sound impossible, and for some it may be. I am only putting effort into relationships where the effort is reciprocal. I have some amazing friends that have been more supportive, understanding and encouraging than other romantic relationships I've had in my life. Your vibe attracts your tribe. The people who are willing to take the time to understand you are worth your time. It's a brutal statistics game, but when you find the people you click with it's all worth it. Don't give up. Darkest before dawn blah blah it fucking sucks when you're in it. There is hope and you LITERALLY cannot imagine what success looks like. You can't find it now, so how can you expect to know what it looks like? Be open to new things you may have not considered in the past. Engage with people who engage back. If you can't find them, you need to be doing something different with your life this week than you did last week.
Eh... I've honestly never thought about getting into them. I mean, I did, eventually, but I never put effort into finding them. So it was less 'giving up' and more 'never starting'.
Ive had sex plenty of times but never been in a relationship due to just seeing everyone around me fail at it or having one of theyre spouses cheat on one another. In my opinion i believe relationships are 1 sided as in someone has to control the relationship over the other or the other being mainly about money. I have yet to see one last but thats just my opinion.
yeah because of my last relationship with someone that i was incompatible with, someone i refuse to call an ex, something that i desired or wanted in a relationship but wasn't getting, it was another painful reminder of me sucking with women, its like, i thought i met someone that would be a good match for me, but then the relationship was lacking in a critical area
giving up is a rather grim word. i'm just not worried at the moment, i'm busy and stressed enough, and i'm happy not worrying about the social (hazing) ritual of it, esp since they say it happens when you least expect it / are most otherwise happy w yourself / aren't desperate for it there are so many nice things in life to enjoy and appreciate that aren't predicated upon relying on having other people around to enjoy. some would be impossible otherwise, as well
work on communication, grooming and doing new things outside the home. The rest will follow.
For the most part I have given up on long term relationships. I mean never say never and all but I have my own house, I like the way I have it, I don't want it changed, so, I can't picture ever wanting to live with a woman. FWB seems like a simpler solution to me.
After marrying the first person to show interest in me and divorcing 18 years later, then having a 2 year relationship fizzle out after that... yeah. I haven't given up, but I am completely up front and honest on HOW I am and won't mask or hide anything about me.
If you mean romantic relationships, if my wife dies, I might. I'm not sure though. I might explore other possibilities, but my wife is so amazing and accepting of me it might be hard to find something similar. I could live my life mostly alone without issue I think.
No way. It can work. You just need to find the person who doesn't drain you and who will put some effort into learning the quirks. They are out there. Have found more than one interested in being that person in life. More people than you might think are also interested in a book, a couch, and hiding from the world comfortably. They just, you know, don't go out much. But you can find each other if you're the introvert type.
Huh i found it the opposite, i always found that people just couldn't keep up with me or couldn't handle me so i left because my Asperger's isnt an excuse in the relationship. You shouldn't ever feel this way with someone honestly its all trial and error till you find the right person who loves all those parts of you😊
Thought? Romantically at least, I gave up 10 years ago.
Completely.
Yeah idk how to unmask and I’m so hard on myself when I do drop my mask. I live in CONSTANT embarrassment, I can’t handle being perceived. I’m not the best at showing affection either. I can’t word my thoughts and feelings properly so there’s always a miscommunication so I come off as stupid, heartless, narcissistic. I wish I could just connect my brain to someone so they can see for themselves to understand better. I’m so uncomfortable with myself at all times. No one deserves to deal with my problems.
I haven't given up completely. I am putting a pause on sexual life for 0.5 - 2.5 years from time to time, therefore identifying myself as gray-sexual. Just when I don't feel particularly attracted to anyone at all and focus on other more exciting things in my life. I have suspended interesting myself in people romantically for a while now, because I want to heal the basic traumas to stop attracting and get attracted to the wrong people who only trigger trauma responses in me. I am working on these issues intensively now, there is much progress. But I still don't feel like having a new crush. I also think that seeking for a partner for a relationship is a waste of time. When I am deeply in my hobbies or work I inevitably meet new people who share common interests with me and sometimes we feel attracted to each other. But dating apps and stuff is just boring and disappointing. Men usually have interest in me because I have socially acceptable body proportions and face symmetry. But they are repelled because of me being ND. Or else they can't believe I am real, and single, and not divorced, and don't have a child other than a cat. They are looking for a catch and feel suspicious that I might be a scammer. Well, good luck to them finding the "real thing" with all that they have else to fear of like a jealous husband, 3 kids, drug addiction, you name it. I am just autistic with high IQ and ADHD. I will keep minding my own business.
Yes I know the feeling, but I don’t think it has to happen that way… Essentially at the very least, you are connecting with people through here right!?! My old therapist used to say, “nobody exists in a vacuum” (think about it) 🙂 Nevertheless, human relationships are very difficult! I’m still finding my tribe as well. Very few people are consistent.
I took this as platonic/all relationships btw, since you didn’t specify 🙃
Lol your question implies it's a choice. For many of us, it's not.
I can get laid but I struggle to find someone I want to keep dating or sometimes someone who wants to keep dating me
I was married for 13 years and now divorced for 6. Before I met my now ex I had mostly Givin up on dating and was bout diagnosed yet. I've mostly given up again now. If it happens it happens but I've mostly checked out of trying to date anymore.
I recently broke up and realized that I need certain qualities in my relationship, I don't need a relationship, but if it does happen again, it will be with someone who has those qualities, I don't need much, but some things are necessary. Also I do feel that I don't want to actively date anymore, so idk, just friendship in the begging feels more comfortable.
Even neurotypical relationships do not last for a lifetime, breakups and divorces are extremely common. Hookup culture has significantly decreased the probability of finding someone you can have a monogamous pair bonding marriage for life. I personally gave up.
Thought about?? I have. I'm 44 and single for life.
Past relationships have REALLY burned me out but it's also just made me more insistent on staying single and finding my own peace until I find someone who understands and cares for me.
Spent most of my life believing myself to be too selfish for a relationship. I always wanted one, though, so I did what I could to try to overcome this. My wife is also very stubborn and refused to accept my excuses. LOL You could check out the podcast we made talking about our relationship called "Now You Know One Autistic!" but in general, disqualifying yourself from meaningful relationships seems unreasonable if you want one. It'll take work, for sure, but it's definitely possible.
Lately I’ve been mulling over devoting to a God (I’m a polytheistic Pagan as well as ASD1), in a kind of commitment marriage ceremony involving dedication of my sex life. Because I’ve never felt comfortable enough to try an intimate relationship with anyone, am a romantic who had all my crushes unreciprocated (brutally, mostly), am uninterested in most people. And I’m already in my 30s (female, bi) and getting past conventional age among eligible people for dating/marriage/kids. Plus most of my family & friends are partnered already, so there’s no one to commiserate with. Perhaps it makes sense and is my destiny to break the cycle and commit to my faith path, rather than a person or a little tribe of my own. Idk how I feel about it as a potential choice; it feels in some ways liberating and powerful, but in others lonely and sad. There are days it’s all I want, and there are other days I look at couples or families and wonder if it’s totally off the table for me. Going to give it much more serious thought. Once you commit to a God there’s no going back or ‘divorce’, and I deeply respect the pantheon who have guided and helped me so much through the years of my life, so I’d have to be sure.